There was frustration around things happening outside the team. People were talking about what others were doing, what wasn’t working, what was blocking them and how much energy all of this was taking.

It started to feel like there was an invisible monster sitting in the room with us.

So I decided to invite the monster into the retrospective. 😄

What Does Your Monster Look Like?

The focus was:

What is blocking us right now and how can we protect ourselves from it?

Instead of only talking about it, I invited everyone to draw their monster.

And the monsters looked very different.

Some were huge. Some had many arms. Some were surrounded by noise, fear, time pressure, ignorance or complexity.

Afterwards, each person explained their drawing.

And this was probably the most valuable part.

Suddenly, people weren’t only hearing “I’m frustrated.”

They could see how differently each person was experiencing the same environment.

We started finding patterns between the drawings, hearing each other’s perspectives and putting words around things that had been sitting underneath many conversations.

There was a lot of relatedness happening in the room.

People felt heard.

Then Something Interesting Happened

The drawings didn’t contain only monsters.

They also started containing clues about what to do with them.

One person wrote about keeping things calm and not getting distracted by all the noise.

Another drew ideas around listening to needs, finding common ground and setting boundaries.

Another wrote:

“Feed with small portions of success.”

And one drawing had a little happy person standing above the monster with these words:

“Happiness is an inside job.”

And:

“Don’t give the power to the monster. It has none on its own.”

At the time, I loved that sentence.

Today, I understand it on another level.

Where Our Attention Was Going

The retrospective worked.

We found patterns, drew conclusions and eventually arrived at something practical: creating sprint goals that were easier for Business to understand and creating small successes and wins along the way.

But if I facilitated the same situation today, there is one thing I would change.

I would pay much more attention to the direction of my questions.

Because my starting question was:

What is blocking us?

And brains are pretty good at answering the question we give them. 😄

Ask people to find what is blocking them and they will find plenty.

Who isn’t communicating.

What isn’t working.

What someone else should be doing differently.

Without noticing it back then, we were spending quite some time looking at what we wanted to move away from.

What I Would Ask Today

I would still give the monster a voice.

Actually, I think that part was important.

People needed to externalise what they were experiencing, hear each other’s perspectives and discover that some of their frustrations were shared.

But I would make the shift towards what they wanted much earlier and much more deliberately.

I would ask:

What do we want instead?

What part of this can we influence?

Where do we want to put our energy?

What can we do next that moves us in that direction?

Because there is a difference between understanding what is affecting us and staying at the effect of it.

One creates awareness.

The other can slowly give the monster more power.

The Funny Part Is... They Had Already Drawn It

Years later, when I look at these drawings, I realise the team had already given me the lesson.

“Don’t give the power to the monster. It has none on its own.”

Back then, I thought that meant:

Don’t let all these external things consume our energy.

Today, I would add:

Be careful where you direct people’s attention, because your questions help determine where their brains search for answers.

Sometimes we need to understand the monster.

And then we need to decide:

Where do we want to go instead?

I’m Curious

Think about your own retrospectives.

When something isn’t working, where do your first questions take the team?

Towards understanding what’s wrong?

Towards what they want instead?

Towards what they can influence?

Or a combination of all three?

What’s your favourite question for moving a team from frustration back towards possibility and action?

I’d love to collect some in the comments.

Leave a comment

Before the workshop, I had a one-hour interview with him. He had the space to tell me what was bothering him, what he thought about the topic and basically vent it all out.

I thought this was good preparation.

But I also entered the workshop with one thought already in my head:

I need to make sure this person doesn’t become the loudest voice in the room.

My Strategy Seemed Like a Good One

I decided I would connect with him during the breaks.

If he had something he wanted to discuss, we could talk then rather than having one voice taking over the whole group conversation.

So that’s what I did. First break — I talked with him. Next break — again.

I was paying attention to his reactions, whether he was engaged, whether he was okay with where we were going.

And the funny thing?

He was probably the nicest person in the whole room. 😄

He was smiling, connecting with me and contributing well.

So my strategy seemed to be working.

Until about 90 minutes into the workshop.

I Had One Person Instead of Ten

I looked around the room and noticed the faces.

People were there... but only half with me.

Their eyes were fixed somewhere, but their minds seemed to be somewhere else.

There were fewer voices and much less contribution than I normally knew from this team in other meetings.

And then I looked at the person I had been so focused on.

He was smiling. He was connected with me.

And suddenly I had this strange feeling:

I had ten people in the room, but I was facilitating for one.

While trying so hard to make sure one person didn’t become the loudest voice, I had given him most of my own attention.

What I Changed

From that moment, I consciously started connecting with everyone again.

I looked for the other voices. I paid attention to their reactions. I brought my attention back to the whole room instead of constantly checking what one person was thinking.

And the workshop started flowing again.

The contributions came back and the session went smoothly.

Interestingly, the senior person continued to be lovely. Maybe our conversation beforehand helped. Maybe he liked my facilitation style. Maybe he simply needed that hour to say what he had to say.

I actually don’t know.

And today, I don’t need to know.

The Person I Forgot About

There was another lesson waiting for me at the end of that day.

I was exhausted.

I had spent so much energy anticipating and managing what might happen that even my breaks weren’t breaks anymore.

I hadn’t even taken a toilet break. 😄

Looking back, there wasn’t only a room of ten people I needed to pay attention to.

There was also me.

And back then, I definitely wasn’t putting my own oxygen mask on first.

Today I think much more about how much energy we can spend managing a situation before that situation has even happened.

My brain had already decided who might become the problem.

And then I started facilitating around that prediction.

Note: The picture is from a generic workshop, not the one mentioned in the situation above

I’m Curious

Have you ever entered a workshop already thinking:

“I need to watch this person today”?

And if yes, what happened to your attention once you did?

Because sometimes the person we prepare ourselves to manage...isn’t actually the person creating the problem in the room.

Leave a comment

We were in a beautiful new location for the first time. I had carefully designed the workshop, thought about how to use the space, prepared everything, and knew how I wanted the half day to flow.

We were starting at 9am.

At 8am, half of the team was already there. Coffee smell in the room, good vibes... but something felt different. People were quieter than usual.

Then one person came to me:

“Andra, it’s good you’re here. We actually need your help with something else today.”

That was the super innovative space we were in:

When the Plan Suddenly Changed

Instead of working on the topic we had planned, the team needed to make a difficult decision: stay focused on their current product or bring in more resources and take over a second one.

For a moment, I froze. I was listening and then thinking: Why now? I prepared everything!

And yes... I had fallen a little bit in love with my workshop design. 😄 But I could see how important this was to them.

So I asked:

“Why is this important to you?”

And as they explained everything behind it, I knew this was what we needed to work on.

I said: “Okay, sure. We do it.”

Starting Again

I took some time alone and started with the end in mind:

What would this team need to have by the end of these few hours?

At 9am, I told everyone that we had gathered for one reason, but something more important had shown up.

And I actually appreciated that they told me instead of working on one thing while their heads were somewhere else trying to solve the real problem.

We started by collecting HMW questions, then moved into hopes and fears.

And that’s where my new plan changed again.

The fears took probably twice as long as I expected. There were important discussions, emotions in the room and things we needed to park.

Then one sticky note stood out:

“More frustration because things do not work out properly makes the team fall apart.”

Suddenly, this wasn’t only about choosing between one product or two.

They were talking about what they feared could happen to their team.

Changing the Plan Again

Instead of pushing towards the next exercise because of the clock, I called a break.

Afterwards, we moved into solution mode.

By the end of the workshop, the team had made their decision and had a plan for what to do next.

What I remember most was the relief in the room.

The workshop I had carefully prepared never happened.

And yet, the workshop they actually needed did.

What Confidence Means to Me Today

I still prepare. A lot.

Preparation gives me structure and somewhere to start.

But it cannot tell me exactly what will happen once real people enter the room.

For me, confidence in facilitation is knowing that when something unexpected happens, I can stay with the people, understand what they actually need and choose what to do next.

Sometimes that means changing an exercise.

Sometimes spending twice as long on a conversation.

And sometimes letting go of the workshop you spent hours preparing... one hour before it starts. 😊

One Question for Your Next Workshop

I’m curious:

What happens inside you when your carefully prepared workshop suddenly needs to change?

Do you hold tighter to your plan, or become curious about what the room needs now?

I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.

Because confidence isn't knowing what will happen next.
It's trusting yourself to read the room and decide what it needs next.

Leave a comment

Many thanks to Co-Innovation Factory in Vienna for this wonderful space that allowed us to be flexible in our set up and also to have a creative experience: setup

It was at a Meetup where I was invited as a guest speaker. There were around 40 people in the room, and I knew maybe 10% of them.

I started by asking what had motivated them to come. After two or three people shared their reasons, my attention drifted away to what I was about to introduce next.

When My Attention Left the Room

As they were sharing why they had come, I stopped listening and started wondering:

“What if they think this exercise is childish?”

“The room is full of experienced professionals. They came to hear something new... and now I’m going to invite them to play instead.”

While I was caught up in my own thoughts, one participant finished sharing with a question.

Then there was silence. I had completely missed the context. I wasn’t really in the room anymore and I had just missed a valuable moment.

Coming Back

That’s when I caught myself.

I smiled and said:

“You know those moments when your thoughts take over and your attention disappears? That just happened to me. Would you mind repeating your question as if you were explaining it to a five-year-old? It might help wake my brain back up.” 😊

They laughed. They repeated the question. And just like that, I was back. I didn’t need to pretend everything was fine.

Being honest brought me back into the room much faster than pretending I had been listening all along. And I stayed authentic while showing vulnerability.

The Problem That Never Existed

The fact is that as soon as I introduced the Play-Doh, every person in the room started to enjoy, have fun, and connect with each other faster than in any other conversations.

I realised I had spent all that mental energy preparing for something that was actually the best connection exercise I could come up with for them.

What Changed

Back then, my attention was dropping from the people in the room to my own thoughts for some time. Today, my attention goes there, in the “here and now,” as I know how to set myself into the facilitator state and come back in a second if any thoughts arrive.

And that happened as I used to think in certain situations like the one above, that facilitation is about being accepted with the exercises I was prepared for.

Today, I believe facilitation is about guiding people to get clarity, make decisions, and take action. And the ways they arrive there can be different ones. It does not matter as long as I am able to create a connection with them from the start.

One Question for Your Next Workshop

I’m curious...

When do you notice your attention leaving the room most easily?

• When someone challenges you?

• When silence appears?

• When time is running out?

• When you’re introducing an unusual exercise?

• When one participant looks disengaged?

I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.

Leave a comment

The next time you’re facilitating and notice your mind racing, pause for a moment and ask yourself:

What am I more interested in right now?

The people... or making sure my exercise succeeds?

In my case, my attention was no longer on the people. It was on the success of the exercise.

Because wherever my attention goes... my facilitation follows.

The loudest voice was in my own head.

The Voice That Never Took a Break

A few years ago I was running my first Design Sprint with a team of 10 people.

I was doing it all by myself: one week of daily facilitation, preparing materials, catering, making sure all went well.

It was a lot, and I was working from 7 am to 10 pm every day that week. But I was so excited about how much impact it had on how this team collaborated on every day basis that I did not feel this so much.

There was still one thing that was draining my energy every day and even cycling my thoughts in the night. It was my inner voice. That “thing” that was hard to stop. While participants in the room were nice, excited, and super happy with the outcome, my inner voice was really not friendly.

Every day in between exercises or in breaks, I heard inside myself a strong voice. There was no break. Even during lunch, even when I went home, and it was the moment I wanted to recharge for the next day.

“Did you explain this exercise well?”

“Do you think they got it and did the right order of the exercise steps?”

“What if they do not agree on the outcomes from the two groups?”

“And if they do not like drawing, what will I tell them?”

“It was really hard this week; what if today they will not manage their energy?”

And the list goes on…and on…

Sound familiar?

It was unstoppable. And so much energy was wasted on instead of being there, into “here and now”.

Like someone inside myself was chasing me all along the way.

It Wasn't Self-Doubt. It Was Self-Protection.

Looking back, I realise my brain wasn’t trying to make me miserable.

It was trying to protect me from uncertainty.

It just chose a very expensive way of doing it.

It took me years to realise I wasn’t trying to become a more confident facilitator.

I was learning to stop believing every story my brain produced.

I was not sure back then if the participants could hear this or sense it in any way. Looking back, I wonder how much of my attention was with the group..and how much of it was spent arguing with myself.

The Real Shift

For you to laugh, after this week, I was even entering a coaching call with Jake Knapp live and asked him: “Hey Jake, how on earth did you manage to work short days? I was doing this, and this and this and I was overworked!” He then asked me: “How many people helped you co-facilitate?” And I answered: “Oh, I did it all by myself”....:)

Looking back, I thought my biggest challenge was learning to read the room.

It wasn’t. My biggest challenge was learning where to place my own attention.

Because every moment I spent listening to the judge in my head was a moment I wasn’t fully listening to the people in front of me.

The quieter that inner voice became, the more attention I had for the people in front of me.

And that’s when the room became easier to read.

I’m curious

If your inner facilitator had a favourite sentence...What would it be?

Leave a comment

Not because it went badly. Not because I wasn’t prepared.

And not because someone told me I’d done something wrong.

The Situation

I remember it because I left with one question.

What did I miss?

I replayed every moment and every question. Every activity.

Like many facilitators, I assumed I needed another technique.

Another structure or another framework.

And every one of those helped.

Just...

Not with the question that stayed with me.

The moment everything changed

A few years later I noticed something.

I’d ask one question.

One participant became curious.

Another became defensive.

A third quietly disappeared into silence.

Exactly the same words.

Exactly the same room.

Exactly the same facilitator.

Yet...

Three completely different experiences.

That was the moment I stopped asking

“How do I manage this behaviour?”

and started asking

“What might this person be experiencing right now?”

Walking Someone Else’s Mental Map

Since then, one idea has completely changed how I facilitate.

Every participant walks into a room carrying a mental map.

A map shaped by

• what they notice,

• what they expect,

• what they value,

• what previous experiences have taught them,

• and what they believe this moment means.

Imagine saying “I’d love your feedback.”

One person hears “My opinion matters.”

Another hears “I’m about to be judged.”

Same sentence.

Different map.

The room is the same.

The experience isn’t.

That’s why behaviour is often confusing.

We’re trying to understand behaviour...without seeing the map that created it.

Brain Nugget

Our brains don’t react to reality.

They react to the meaning we give reality.

As facilitators, we rarely influence every circumstance in the room.

We can, however, become much better at noticing the different meanings people may be creating from the same experience.

Sometimes that changes the conversation more than any facilitation technique.

A small experiment

The next time someone reacts in a way you didn’t expect...

Instead of asking “Why are they behaving like this?”

Try asking “If I were walking through their mental map... what might this moment mean to me?”

Sometimes nothing in the room changes.

Yet everything becomes easier to understand.

I recorded something for you

While preparing last week’s webinar, I realised this idea is much easier to experience than explain.

So I recorded a short video where I walk through this way of seeing.

Your Turn

I’m curious.

Can you remember a workshop where two people reacted completely differently to exactly the same conversation?

Looking back now...

What do you think each of them might have been seeing through their own mental map?

I’d genuinely love to read your story.

Leave a comment

An Invitation

If this way of looking at facilitation resonates with you....

I’ve created a place where we can explore one of your facilitation moments together.

Not to analyse what went wrong.

But to discover what becomes visible once you start seeing the room differently.

👉 Book a Facilitator Clarity & Implementation Call

Book Implementation Call

“What on earth just happened?”

Someone challenged everything.

The room went quiet.

One participant dominated the conversation.

Half the group seemed to disappear.

It’s tempting to ask:

“What should I do next?”

For years, that’s exactly the question I asked myself.

Until I realised it was leading me to look in the wrong place.

The question that changed my facilitation wasn’t...

“What should I do?”

It became...

“What am I not noticing?”

That one shift changed everything.

Not because workshops suddenly became easier.

Because I started seeing them differently.

And once you begin seeing differently...

it’s surprisingly difficult to go back.

The facilitator you’re becoming

After many years of facilitating, I’ve noticed something.

The facilitators who stay calm when everything goes off-script aren’t necessarily the ones with the biggest toolbox.

They’re the ones who have trained their attention.

They notice patterns.

They become curious before they react.

And they ask themselves different questions.

Not because someone taught them the perfect technique.

Because they learned to look beneath the behaviour.

I created something for you...

After one conversation too many that ended with...

“I wish I’d noticed that sooner.”

...I decided to write down the five questions I come back to whenever a workshop takes an unexpected turn.

They’re simple.

But they’ve completely changed the way I facilitate.

I’m not including them here.

I want you to keep them somewhere you’ll actually use them—in the moment you need them most.

If you’re curious what these five questions are...

You can request the guide here.

Once you’ve received it, you’ll also have the opportunity to book a complimentary Read the Room Conversation, where we can explore one real workshop together.

Request the Guide here

“Something was happening... I just wasn’t sure what deserved my attention.”

...bring that moment with you.

Bring one real facilitation challenge.

We’ll work with what’s happening in your room—not a case study.

No replay.

Just a live, interactive experience with experienced facilitators, workshop leaders and agile coaches who are curious to see beneath the surface of what happens when a room goes off-script.

📅 Today

🕒 15:00–17:00 CEST

If you’re joining us, I can’t wait to meet you.

If you’re still deciding...

There’s still a seat waiting for you.

Register here:

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

See you in a few hours.

Andra

Same organisations.

Different challenges.

The questions have changed.

The expectations have changed.

The people in the room have changed.

And perhaps, without even noticing, facilitation itself has changed.

More uncertainty.

More complexity.

Less patience for presentations.

More conversations that refuse to follow the agenda.

That’s why I don’t think the biggest question this summer is:

“Which new facilitation technique should I learn?”

I think it’s something much simpler.

Who will I be when I walk back into my first workshop in September?

Because the room doesn’t experience your toolbox first.

It experiences you.

Your presence.

Your confidence.

Your attention.

The way you respond when the unexpected happens.

When you turn the light on...

The room hasn’t changed.

What you can see has.

That’s the shift I’ve become fascinated by over the last few years.

Not collecting more methods.

Learning to notice what I couldn’t see before.

Because once you see differently...

you naturally facilitate differently.

The intervention changes.

The questions change.

The decisions become clearer.

And strangely enough...confidence follows.

Not because you’ve memorised another framework.

Because you trust yourself to make sense of what’s unfolding in front of you.

An invitation

That’s exactly why I’m opening one free live session before September begins.

Not to give you another facilitation technique.

But to invite you to experience a different way of seeing the room.

We’ll work with real facilitation challenges.

We’ll explore what’s happening beneath the behaviour.

And together we’ll discover what deserves your attention when everything goes off-script.

No replay.

No slides full of theory.

Just experienced facilitators, agile coaches, and real conversations.

If you’re stepping back into workshops this September...this might be the most valuable preparation you give yourself this summer.

📅 16 July | Free Live Experience

Because September won’t ask how many books you read over the summer.

It will quietly reveal how you’ve learned to see.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

See you there.

Andra

They begin the moment we decide we already know what that behaviour means.



A quiet participant isn't always disengaged.
A difficult participant isn't always resistant.
A person who keeps talking isn't always trying to take over.


The same behaviour can come from completely different reasons.
And if the reason is different...the way you respond changes too.

That's why I've become less interested in asking,
"What's the right facilitation technique?"
and much more interested in asking,
"What am I actually seeing?"


Because once you see the room differently, you naturally facilitate differently.


That's what we'll explore together on 16 July.
Not another collection of facilitation tools.
A way to understand what's happening beneath the behaviour, so you can decide what deserves your attention when everything goes off-script.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

No recording. No replay. Just you, fully present, with what’s real for you right now.

See you there.

Andra

The Situation

This year at Comocamp, I walked in and placed a set of cards on the tables.

No instructions yet. Just cards, face down, waiting.

People reached for them. Turned them over. Felt something shift as the pieces connected — not because I told them what to connect, but because their hands were already moving before their minds caught up.

By the time we named the concept together, the room already owned it.

I hadn’t given them anything. I’d created the conditions for them to find it themselves.

What This Feels Like From The Inside

There are no slides in the sessions I hold.

Instead — something to touch, to turn over, to react to. A visual that lands because you made the connection to it, not because someone walked you through it. Your own real situation, brought into the space and worked with — so what you leave with fits your next room, not a generic example from someone else’s.

The difference between a session that stays with you and one that fades by Thursday isn’t the quality of the content.

It’s whether you discovered it, or received it.

Brain Nugget

Here’s what happens inside you when you discover something yourself rather than being told it.

The moment insight arrives — felt before it’s named, recognised before it’s explained — your brain does something remarkable. It releases dopamine, the same chemical that moves through you when something genuinely rewarding happens. That feeling of oh, I see it now isn’t just satisfying. It’s the brain encoding the discovery as yours, deeply and durably, in a way that borrowed information simply cannot reach.

And when you then turn to someone beside you and put what you found into your own words — something consolidates a second time, even deeper. You haven’t just understood something. You’ve become someone who carries it.

This is why the room that finds its own answer remembers it long after the session ends. Not because the content was better — because the path to it was theirs.

What you feel your way into, stays. What you’re walked through, fades.

Takeaway

What you bring to the room, the room gives back to you.

What you notice in others is already part of you.

And what the room discovers for itself — stays.

Your Turn

What's something you once felt your way into, in a session — before you could even name it — that you still carry with you today?

An invitation

July 16th is held this way — nothing to receive passively, everything to discover together. You’d bring a real situation from your own facilitation work, and we’d explore it live, in the moment. A game opens the space. What you leave with fits your very next room — not someone else’s.

It’s free. Would you come as if it weren’t?

Your time is the investment that always gives back.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

No recording. No replay. Just you, fully present, with what’s real for you right now.

See you there.

Andra

The Situation

I was about to facilitate a session. Arms crossed—people who’d been sent there, not chosen to be there.

Before we even started, I could feel it in the room — that particular quiet that isn’t calm, it’s uncomfortable being there.

I had a start time. I had an agenda.

I decided to be late on purpose. To start a few minutes later.

The Change in schedule

Instead of opening on schedule, I went to each person, one at a time. Not as a facilitator running through a checklist — just human to human.

Thank you for being here.

I told them how much their presence actually mattered — that they were the ones who’d decide what came next, that the next steps would be built together, not handed to them.

Nothing official. No agenda yet. Just a few minutes, person by person.

The Shift

Something changed before I’d even said “let’s begin.”

The room’s energy was different. Not because of anything I’d presented — because something real had passed between us before the content ever started.

People like people. Not facilitators. Not agendas. People.

And when someone feels genuinely met before a session begins, something in how they show up for the next two hours quietly changes.

Brain Nugget

Our brains decide who’s safe long before we’re consciously aware of deciding it. That read happens in the first few seconds of contact — tone, eye contact, whether we feel seen as a person or processed as an attendee.

Most of facilitation focuses on what happens once the session starts. But the room’s nervous system has often already decided how it’s going to participate before the first slide ever appears.

Takeaway

Rapport isn't a technique you use once the session begins. Sometimes it's the thing you build first, deliberately, before anything official happens at all.

Your Turn

What would change in your next session if connection came before content — even by five quiet minutes?

An invitation

If this is the kind of moment you want to get faster at recognising — not after the session, but while it's happening — this is exactly what we're working with live on July 16th. A few spots are still open.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

This is a live, in-the-moment experience — and it stays that way. No recording, no replay. Just you, fully present, working with what's real for you right now.

I’d love to see you there.

Andra

The Situation

I was facilitating a workshop. One person kept voicing concerns — every time they opened their mouth, it landed harder than the last.

Eyes rolled. People murmured “yes, sure” and moved on. The complaining became background noise that everyone had learned to wait out.

But something didn’t add up. Beyond words, it looked like they were trying to say something that actually mattered.

The Real Problem

I took a break. Talked with them one-to-one.

They told me about a past project — a similar context to what we were discussing. They’d lived through it. They had something real to offer.

And every time they’d tried to say so in the sessions, they’d been heard as “complaining again,” not as someone with hard-won experience.

The pushback was never about the content. It was about not being seen as someone whose expertise counted.

The Shift

I changed the script after the break.

I ran an Appreciative Interview (Liberating Structures) around one simple frame: your biggest learning from previous projects.

We started in triads. Then the groups grew.

That person got the floor — not to defend a complaint, but to share what they’d actually learned. People listened. Then they explained it further. And further.

What Changed

Something shifted in the room that had nothing to do with the exercise itself.

Everyone started contributing like it mattered — because it did, and because they could finally feel it landing somewhere.

That person’s idea, the one buried inside all the “complaining,” ended up as the most-voted idea in the room.

They’d cared the whole time. They just hadn’t been given the door to put it through.

Brain Nugget

Underneath this pushback was fear — not of the topic, but of saying “I’ve seen this fail” and being dismissed again.

That fear was being signalled the whole time, in tone, in repetition. But the room wasn’t in a state to receive it — people were resourced to react, not to listen for what sat underneath.

This is a mismatch of state, not content. The structure didn’t just give that person a turn — it put the whole room into a listening state: smaller groups, a clear frame, people set to note rather than judge. Once the state changed, the same words landed as experience instead of complaint.

Takeaway

What sounds like complaining is sometimes expertise that’s never been asked for properly.

Your Turn

Who in your last session kept pushing — and what might they have actually been carrying, that no one had asked them to put down?

An invitation

If this is the kind of moment you want to get faster at recognising — not after the session, but while it's happening — this is exactly what we're working with live on July 16th. A few spots are still open.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

This is a live, in-the-moment experience — and it stays that way. No recording, no replay. Just you, fully present, working with what's real for you right now.

I’d love to see you there.

Andra

Some are exceptional.

And yet many of them leave a session thinking:

“I should have handled that better.”

Not because the session failed.

Not because they didn’t know enough.

Because something happened they couldn’t quite make sense of.

A participant pushed back.

Someone went silent.

The energy changed.

A conversation that felt alive suddenly felt heavy.

And even though the session continued, part of them stayed with that moment.

Replaying it.

Trying to understand what happened.

The trap

When this happens, most of us assume we need more tools.

A new framework.

A better intervention.

A different question.

But after working with facilitators, agile coaches, trainers, and leaders for years, I’ve noticed something.

The people who struggle most aren’t lacking techniques.

They’re struggling to know what to pay attention to when several things are happening at once.

Because when a room becomes challenging, there is suddenly too much information.

And in that moment, confidence disappears.

Not because you don’t know enough.

Because you don’t know where to look.

Most facilitators don’t need another technique.

They need a way to decide what deserves their attention when the room becomes messy.

What changed everything for me

The breakthrough wasn’t learning how to control the room.

It was learning how to read it.

To understand that behaviour is rarely the whole story.

The person dominating the discussion is often protecting something.

The person resisting may be responding to uncertainty.

The person who disengages may not feel safe enough to contribute.

And sometimes the first thing to notice isn’t them.

It’s yourself.

What are you feeling?

What are you assuming?

What are you reacting to?

Because the room starts making more sense when we stop treating behaviour as the problem and start becoming curious about what sits underneath it.

An invitation

On 16 July I’m hosting a free live training for experienced facilitators and agile coaches:

When Everything Goes Off-Script
The harder the group, the more confident you become.

Together we’ll explore:

• What happens in your brain when the room gets difficult

• The different layers that may be shaping what you see in a group.

• Real situations from your own facilitation work

• How to decide what deserves your attention when everything feels messy

Bring a situation that stayed with you.

Not a failure.

Not a problem.

Just a moment that still makes you curious.

Because those moments often have the most to teach us.

Reserve my Seat to the Free Training

This is a live, in-the-moment experience — and it stays that way. No recording, no replay. Just you, fully present, working with what's real for you right now.

I’d love to see you there.

Andra

It’s about what each person can see.

The Situation

I was facilitating a workshop.

One manager said:

“We’ve involved the team in every important decision.”

A team member immediately replied:

“No, you haven’t.”

Both looked surprised.

Both had examples.

Both seemed frustrated.

The conversation started going in circles.

The Unexpected Turn

Instead of asking who was right, I asked:

“What does involvement look like to you?”

The manager answered:

“Giving people a chance to share their opinion.”

The team member answered:

“Knowing my opinion can influence the outcome.”

Same word.

Different meaning.

What Shifted

The disagreement didn’t disappear.

But something became visible.

They weren’t arguing about involvement.

They were describing two different experiences of involvement.

For the first time, the conversation started moving somewhere useful.

Brain Nugget (Neuroscience Behind the Moment)

Our brains don’t experience reality directly.

They experience reality through filters.

Past experiences.
Beliefs.
Expectations.

That’s why two people can hear the same words and attach completely different meanings to them.

Neither person is necessarily wrong.

They’re simply looking at the situation through different mental maps.

Takeaway

When people disagree, I become curious about definitions.

Because sometimes conflict isn’t about opposing views.

It’s about different meanings.

Your Turn

Think about a disagreement you’ve seen recently.

What word were people using?

And did everyone mean the same thing by it?

Leave a comment

But because we need their behaviour to make sense.

The Situation

I was facilitating a workshop with a leadership team.

One participant confused me from the start.

They weren’t openly opposing.

They weren’t disengaged.

They weren’t taking over.

But every time we moved forward, they seemed to pull back.

When the group became excited, they became cautious.

When decisions were made, they raised new questions.

When everyone seemed aligned, they pointed to potential risks.

After a while, I caught myself creating explanations.

Maybe they don’t want this change.

Maybe they don’t trust the team.

Maybe they just like being difficult.

The truth?

I didn’t know.

The Unexpected Turn

At lunch, I sat next to them.

Not as a facilitator.

Just as another human being.

We started talking.

They told me about a project from two years earlier.

A project that had moved quickly.

A project everyone celebrated.

A project that later failed badly.

The team had spent months cleaning up the consequences.

Suddenly, their behaviour made sense.

They weren’t trying to slow us down.

They were trying to protect the group from making the same mistake twice.

Nothing about their behaviour changed.

What changed was my understanding of it.

What Shifted

The rest of the workshop felt different.

Not because they became easier.

Because I became more curious.

Instead of seeing obstacles, I started seeing information.

Instead of reacting to the behaviour, I started listening for what sat underneath it.

The questions that had frustrated me in the morning became useful in the afternoon.

The group didn’t need less of their voice.

The group needed to understand it.

Brain Nugget (Neuroscience Behind the Moment)

Our brains are prediction machines.

When someone’s behaviour doesn’t make sense, the brain quickly fills in the gaps.

Usually with stories.

And those stories often focus on intention.

They’re resisting.

They’re difficult.

They’re negative.

The challenge is that behaviour is visible.

The reason behind it isn’t.

When we become curious before becoming certain, we give ourselves a chance to discover what’s really happening.

Sometimes the behaviour stays exactly the same.

But our relationship to it changes completely.

Takeaway

Not every behaviour needs fixing.

Sometimes it needs understanding.

The moment we stop asking:

“What’s wrong with this person?”

And start asking:

“What might this person be trying to protect?”

The room often looks very different.

Your Turn

Think about a participant you’ve struggled with recently.

What story did you create about their behaviour?

And what might change if there was another explanation you haven’t considered yet?

Leave a comment

I was facilitating a session with a team.

A question landed.

People paused.
You could sense it…thinking was forming

And then—one voice: “You could just do it like this.”

Helpful.
Fast.

And it happened again…and again

Before others could finish thinking.

In this case, it is also the need of many people to think before they speak (versus some others who think while they speak), which was not met.

The Real Problem

It looked like support

And at the same time—the space for others to think disappeared

Why This Happens

This is the Rescuer pattern (from the Drama Triangle)

The intention is positive:

“I want to help”
“We can move faster”

And underneath…

👉 a need to contribute
👉 a need to be useful

And still— when help comes too early, thinking stops.

The Shift

You don’t stop helping.

You create space around it

You might say:

👉 “Let’s hold that for a moment…”
👉 “I’m curious what others are thinking…”

Then pause.

What Changes

helping → thinking
one answer → many ideas
silence → contribution

Brain Nugget

The brain follows the fastest answer.

When space stays open, it keeps thinking.

The Insight

Silence is not empty.

It’s where thinking begins.

Your Turn

In your next session, notice the moment: someone jumps in to help.

And you might explore:

👉 What happens if you give the room one breath more?

Resources:

• Magda Tabac— Escaping the Drama Triangle and Building Healthy Relationships; Recommended training: Emotional Assertiveness with Magda Tabac

• Stephen Karpman — A Game Free Life

• David Emerald — The Power of TED

• David Rock — SCARF Model

• Tad James — Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

• Daniel Goleman — Emotional Intelligence

• Sue Johnson — Hold Me Tight

Leave a comment

In a session, one person keeps saying:

• “This won’t work.”

• “We already tried this.”

• “This is not the right way.”

They push back.
They oppose.

The result:

People speak less. Ideas don’t build. The flow breaks.

Why This Happens

This is the Persecutor role (Drama Triangle).

The focus goes to:

• what does not work

• what should not happen

I’ve seen this often.

And if you reflect,
you might recognize moments where you did the same.

I have.

Because underneath, there is usually something useful:

• a need for clarity

• a need for better results

But the way it is said creates pressure.

And under pressure, people stop contributing.

How the Persecutor Shows Up

Below is a simple way to read what’s happening in the moment—and what helps shift it:

Your Role

You don’t stop the opposing.

You guide it.

You help move from:

• opposing → defining

• blocking → building

What to Do

Keep it simple.

Don’t argue.
Don’t explain.

Ask one clear question:

👉 What specific conditions would make this workable?

Then pause.

Let them think.

What Changes

• opposition becomes input

• resistance becomes direction

• silence becomes ideas

The same person
starts helping the group move forward.

Brain Nugget

• The brain reacts to pressure by narrowing focus

• Opposition is often an attempt to protect standards or results

• When no space is given, it comes out as blocking

When you ask for conditions, you shift the brain to:

👉 thinking
👉 structuring
👉 problem-solving

And that reopens the contribution.

The Insight

Behind opposition there is often a clear standard—

just not yet said in a way the group can use.

Your role: make it usable.

Your Turn

Next time someone keeps opposing:

Pause.
Stay steady.
Ask one clear question.

And notice what begins to move.

Resources:

• Magda Tabac— Escaping the Drama Triangle and Building Healthy Relationships; Recommended training: Emotional Assertiveness with Magda Tabac

• Stephen Karpman — A Game Free Life

• David Emerald — The Power of TED

• David Rock — SCARF Model

• Tad James — Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

• Daniel Goleman — Emotional Intelligence

• Sue Johnson — Hold Me Tight

Leave a comment

The Situation

I was facilitating a session with a team.

Deadlines were tight.
Tension was present.

One participant stayed quiet.

I invited her in.

She said:

“It doesn’t really matter… this won’t change anyway.”

Not resistant.
Not emotional.

Just… decided.

Others quickly explained it for her:

• “A lot depends on other teams”

• “She can’t influence much here”

The room adjusted.

Less challenge.
Less expectation.

And slowly…less movement.

The Real Problem

It wasn’t the situation.

It was where her attention went.

I asked:

“What feels outside your influence?”

She answered:

• Other teams

• Priorities

• Decisions above her

She was right.

And still—nothing moved.

Because: her focus stayed on what she couldn’t influence

And when that happens— people stop acting.

The Shift

I didn’t reframe the situation.

I shifted her focus.

I asked:

“What is still within your influence… even a small part?”

Pause.

Long enough to feel the shift.

Then she said:

“…I could clarify what actually matters most instead of trying to do everything.”

Small.

But now—actionable.

What Happened

The situation stayed complex.

But her position changed:

👉 From observing constraints
👉 To influencing a part of the system

Her energy lifted.
She spoke again.

Movement returned to the group.

Brain Nugget (Why This Worked)

• Attention directs state
  → Focus on constraints reduces perceived options
  → Focus on influence opens choice

• Perceived autonomy increases engagement
  → Even a small area of control reactivates thinking

• Victim position = attention outside
  → Energy follows what cannot be influenced

• Shift to Creator
  → “What can I influence from here?”

Takeaway

When a participant believes their actions don’t matter:

👉 Attention is anchored outside their influence
👉 Options feel limited
👉 Energy drops in the room

Your role as facilitator is not to fix the situation—

👉 It’s to shift attention toward influence

Even a small shift can restart movement.

Your Turn

In your next session, listen for moments like:

• “It won’t make a difference”

• “It depends on others”

• “This is out of my hands”

When you notice it—

👉 don’t explain
👉 don’t convince
👉 don’t solve

Use this:

Then:

• Ask one question

• Stay quiet

• Let them think

👉 You’re helping them shift attention toward influence

That’s where movement begins.

Resources:

• Magda Tabac— Escaping the Drama Triangle and Building Healthy Relationships; Recommended training: Emotional Assertiveness with Magda Tabac

• Stephen Karpman — A Game Free Life

• David Emerald — The Power of TED

• David Rock — SCARF Model

• Tad James — Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

• Daniel Goleman — Emotional Intelligence

• Sue Johnson — Hold Me Tight

Leave a comment

The Plan

I prepared a session with a team.

Beforehand, I had one-to-one interviews.
We agreed: roles are not clear.

So I designed the session around mapping roles as-is.

Halfway through, we had it.

Clear roles.
No big confusion.
Everything smooth.

Too smooth.

And I felt it.

Something was still in the air.

The Shift

Instead of moving on with my agenda,
I paused.

I invited them to build a 3D Worlds (see resources if you want to learn more) map of how they actually collaborate — What works and what could be different.

They built islands.
They touched the pieces.
They voted with 3D objects.

And the real challenge surfaced:

They didn’t know how to work together.

Not roles.
Collaboration.

My plan fell apart.

And I let it.

What Happened

Within the same 2.5 hours, they defined:

• The roles and and as is situation

• Their biggest collaboration pain points

• What they wanted instead

• Concrete actions for the next weeks

I wondered later:
Could I have found this in the interviews?

Maybe yes.
Maybe they weren’t ready yet.

What mattered was this:

I adjusted in the moment.

Photo credit: by Rene Knabl, Playability.at

Brain Nugget (Why This Worked)

This worked for many reasons, here are some:

• Head + Hand Connection: Touching and building activated motor areas of the brain — thinking became embodied, not just verbal.

• Reduced Overload: Physically choosing what stays “above sea level” simplified complexity. The brain relaxes when focus becomes clear.

• Lowered Threat: Nothing was rejected — just postponed. That protects psychological safety and keeps defenses low.

• Dopamine Through Clarity: Making a visible, tangible priority increases motivation. Clear focus creates energy to act.

That’s the depth you feel when a group doesn’t just discuss —
but truly decides.

Takeaway

A plan creates safety.
Letting go creates impact.

Going off-script isn’t losing control.
It’s responding to what’s real.

Your Turn

What could be missing right now
so that your group truly reaches the outcome they need?

Share a situation when your session went off plan.
What did you notice — and what did you choose to do instead?

Leave a comment and tell me about your situation - I am going to answer all your comments.

Leave a comment

Additional resources:

• If you want to learn more about 3D Worlds method, here is a short video about it

• If you want to get in touch with the amazing trainers I learned this method from, here is the link to their website