There is a beautiful side to tribulation. The darkest moments of your life. The days where nobody saw how making your bed was an achievement. The weeks where you still kept going. Pain and suffering are a part of the human experience, yet few (on a larger scale) use it to inspire monumental change. But what if there is another way to change? I have found that you don’t always have to wait until the inevitable pitfalls to improve. Personal accountability offers an alternative solution. How about you choose to change when your baseline is one of mediocrity?

Part of building a successful life is defining the conditions of your life. Those shitty cliché quotes can help. At one point I reinforced them as gospel. Here are a few:

• “You’re not for everyone.”

• “Rejection is redirection.”

• “No one is coming to save you.”

The ecclesiastical nature of these bitter truths can offer solace to your problems. They hit home and provide the comfort no one in your life could offer you at your darkest moments. They also inspire accountability; a radical, loving accountability, because you want more for yourself.

Subscribe now

Reframe Accountability

What comes to your mind when you think of accountability? For me the first few words were: pressure, responsibility, and approval. I saw accountability as a negative consequence of poor behaviour. It was not until I made the conscious effort to reframe my beliefs that I saw the importance of semantically broadening my language to make space for the life I wanted. Accountability is a staple ingredient toward the betterment of your life. Without it, redirection cannot truly take place.

You cannot change what you refuse to acknowledge.

Well, how do I define it (now)?

Most of the definitions I’ve researched were mundane and didn’t align with the blissful outlook I have of my life now. I define accountability as:

The self-driven desire to maintain and elevate one’s existence through conscious consideration of where one’s energy is invested. It is moderated by an awareness of one’s baseline/standard behaviours, which dictate whether one grows or remains constant.

I view accountability as a tool, a consistent skill that allows you to check your standards and the direction you’re heading. Your standards, long-term goals, and environments are programming your baseline of tolerance. Choosing to become consciously aware of what matters to you is healthy accountability. It is rooted in the chase of bliss, not stagnated by fear.

Accountability needs a healthy environment to thrive.

Accountability cannot survive around toxicity. The vulnerability associated with being transparent needs a niche crowd of open-minded individuals. You cannot allow your accountability to be undermined by people who have gotten used to life without it. Do not become a victim of your environment. This is your missing key to personal growth. Don’t hand it to the wrong person…or people.

I’ve come to find peace in checking myself. It keeps me on my toes, and I am always offered a profound revelation of how I can be better. I have contentment in my accountability, a reckoning, knowing that I will never be perfect, but disciplined enough to get close to it. And that reckoning applies to myself and others alike.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Temwani xx

Let’s get one thing straight. This is an ongoing revelation and habitual reflection that will take me considerable effort to continue perpetuating. When you’re a woman, patriarchy has its name imprinted on your conscience. There are nuanced ways its presence persists, weaving its expectations into your carefully structured, spiritually aligned internal worldview. Even if you choose to opt out of it by refusing to live according to its systems, ideals, and mindsets, it can often find you through your family dynamics.

As the eldest daughter, you know this all too well: listening to the complaints of each parent from an early age as if you’ve graduated with honours from a five year psychology course (I’ve got one more year to go!), or negotiating your time to care for your siblings when you have a competent brother who should be able to help out.

Whether we realise it or not, we are the thermostat of the house. It’s not our father’s temperament, though it assumes itself to be, or our mother’s distress. It’s our ability to regulate everyone else’s nervous system as though we don’t have one of our own. I realised this is how patriarchy got me. I put everyone else’s needs before my own, subtly conditioning my nature to conform to a system that sees women as secondary, if at all.

It’s empowerment to throw the towel in, wrap another one around my head, and bed rot rather than power through my luteal phase. Once I decided this was not my portion, the life of an unpaid HR manager, my new life welcomed me with open arms.

Subscribe now

Weaponised incompetence will become your best friend.

NOTE: Now weaponised incompetence is a manipulation tactic. I am not advocating for that at all. Just run with it. xx

How many times have you allowed yourself to say “no” when asked to do something? You’re tired and have to stay up to study for your exams, but you end up cooking dinner instead. You’ve saved a significant amount of money, and all of a sudden there’s a “family emergency.” You’ve taught yourself how to set boundaries and become choosy with intimate partners to avoid repeating a cycle you already know the outcome of.

These are just some of the experiences I could relate to whilst researching this piece. An article by Annie Wright, LMT, highlights the impacts of eldest daughter syndrome.

Eldest daughter syndrome isn’t a DSM diagnosis, but it describes a real, clinically documented pattern of relational trauma that develops when a girl is systematically assigned adult level emotional or managerial responsibilities within her family system. The defining feature isn’t how much responsibility she carried. It’s whether that responsibility came at the cost of her own developmental needs. The difference between helping with chores and being your mother’s primary emotional regulator is the difference between growing up and being recruited.

As eldest daughters, it’s common for our emotional maturity to be fast tracked by our profound empathy. However, this can hinder our development in other areas, such as self efficacy, financial management, and autonomy, causing us to feel stuck. This is where weaponised incompetence comes into play. We know it all too well, being the ones who pick up the slack, but now it’s our turn to act clueless.

In an African household, it was difficult at first. I was learning how to communicate my needs and was ready to face the consequences of opting out of “traditions” (some, not all) that were perpetuating the same system I wanted to remove from my life. My vocalisation of “no” and questioning of the mindsets that built this home led me to experience guilt, fear, and exclusion. This is the price we have to pay as part of creating our own normal. In this process, I learnt self-reliance and valued my autonomy as I saw the outcomes of my individual thought processes benefiting me.

My favourite cuss word: Boundary

Nedra Tawwab is an American licensed therapist who wrote my boundary Bible, Setting Boundaries and Finding Peace. In it, she mentions how feeling guilty after setting a boundary doesn’t mean that it was the wrong decision; it shows that you’re a human with empathy. MIND BLOWN! I read this book over three years ago, and this still sets me free. I felt validated through paper in ways I hadn’t experienced from those close to me. I learnt that my freedom wasn’t up for negotiation, but I could acclimatise my comfort to the ever changing demands of those around me. If I was tired, I became comfortable sitting with it, despite the repercussions that may appear afterwards.

Leave a comment

Your rest is not a selfish act. It’s an important piece to your ‘becoming’.

I have many fears. One of them is laziness. I have chased deadlines, expectations, and consistency for the sake of maintaining normalcy in my everyday life. One day, I tired out and knew things needed to change. I needed to rest. Burnout has made its rounds in my life, forcing me to slow down and seek stillness at the most undesirable times. It wasn’t until I took a holiday to Canberra, Australia, that I saw the importance of rest as an opportunity to grow faster by slowing down.

An article I was reading summarises this perspective quite well:

“Slowing down and listening to the self, listening to the body, is how healing begins, not in grand breakthroughs, but in small, consistent gestures of attention. It’s noticing when you feel like crying and letting yourself do that. It’s becoming aware of when you’re tired and taking a nap or a walk rather than eating a sugary treat. Small, consistent gestures of attention show your younger self they’re worth your time. That you will not abandon them.”

- Dr. Denise Renye

Slowing down will speed you up.

Speed feels similar to safety because it provides consistency. Knowing when to stop is a skill eldest daughters must master to improve their perception of achievement. By knowing when to reject perseverance, I reset my idea of productivity, accepting that life moves in cycles. The quiet times created an attentive rhythm, with my thoughts acting like waves, and learning which ones to ride became my only goal.

I respected myself more, and in turn, saw that the universe appreciated this. With so much freed-up energy, I was able to dedicate it to my interests, like writing, creating a social environment for creativity to flourish (@theliterarylounge.bc), my freelance life, and healthy romance.

When there’s nothing to do, we’re conditioned to believe that something is wrong. Boredom is a privilege that we often brush off as an annoyance. It is not until we stop that our racing minds can communicate the wisdom that helps us transform into the best versions of ourselves. It is through the choice to slow down that we regain control over the tempo of our lives and change the rules by overriding thoughts and behavioural patterns that no longer serve us. Prioritising yourself is an integral part of developing self-compassion.

Treat yourself like the friend you never had. The guilt we often feel from resting is based on the cultural norms and expectations placed upon us from a young age, which taught us subconscious cues. Most of us rarely saw our mothers rest and weren’t valued if we weren’t helping out. A reality I’m seeing, subjectively, is that the eldest daughter is not lazy. She may escape or minimise her reality because it’s exhausting. She is finding a happy medium, and when she does, she becomes unstoppable in her pursuit of happiness.

Closing Thoughts

There is beauty in your leadership, stern voice, discernment, and early emotional development. There is also beauty found in your quiet moments, staying silent when you want to give advice, and rejecting action for the sake of your personal rest.

These days, I appreciate my no’s as much as my yeses. I don’t solve problems simply because I have been asked to help. Sometimes, I choose my own deadlines over other people’s priorities. Every day, I choose myself.

Love,

Temwani xxx

I lay awake with temporary paralysis. My dread isn’t from the beeps that tell me it’s 5:30AM. It’s not from the nuanced truths dispensed by freelance tarot readers I stumble into after I’ve blown my TikTok time limit. It’s a familiar unknowing. I can’t even call it butterflies: those die out after two to four weeks, and it’s been six months. I roll over, turn off the alarm, and start a day I should be grateful for. My morning routine is a dance I want to be over.

Distraction: if it were a vice, I had it. Not in the ways society deems lowly; mine lived in work. Client debriefings took priority over my own self-analysis, leaving me blind spots I couldn’t see past. Music was my favorite escape, a melodic echo-chamber that quieted my worries without solving them. I’d press play each morning, oiling my locs smooth despite the tangles in my internal life.

6:45AM, the first moment of courage: breakfast. “How is it?” my mum asks. Her cooking is amazing, but self-criticism is the only sentence I can manage. So I smile and take another bite. I look at our island table and want a perfection like its midnight blue, beautiful, smooth, whole. Then I remind myself: perfectionism will look different on me. I’m human, not an object.

P.S. I am a deeply regulated and joyous person!!!!!!

Love,
Temwani

My wings were clipped, but they still managed to flutter. The stillness I once knew has returned. My life no longer requires Kleenex Aloe Vera Facial Tissues, and a frequency to calm my nervous system. The three-month rule doesn’t apply to healing or to the intermittent desire for their presence. Healing has no calendar.

Denial, disappointment, and acceptance of my past circumstances helped me progress after heartache. I wasn’t broken in two just yet, but I was shaken after his presence tried to break the very foundation I spent years building. One built on serendipity, gratitude and health, that is. I found pride in the ‘reconstruction of self ‘ after this experience. Little did I know, I would begin to mask. It took half a year to accept the truth. I was not the same person; I never will be, and heartache forced me to remember the proximity Judas had to Jesus.

The person I once knew was gone after I experienced the real world my father warned me about. In the distress, I kept trying to find myself. Like an archeologist searching for fossils, there I was searching for my soul. I was searching for nostalgia. My joyful naivety was taken away, and I was forced to mature in how I navigate dating, if and when I have an interest in it again.

When you navigate life with a genuine intention not to cause harm, we expect the world to reflect that, and oftentimes it does. I believe in the power of manifestation; I am deeply intuitive and find comfort in the Universe’s helping hand in my life. Your thoughts do impact your reality, and there’s an alternate perspective that can cultivate bliss in your life. Part of an abundant lifestyle is to acknowledge and understand that hurt, betrayal, and complex dynamics will be encountered in your life. This is because of the dynamism of the human psyche. This was one of the causes of my distress. How could someone do me wrong when the thought of doing such a thing never crossed my mind? I don’t know the answer and don’t care for it. Closure is found in their actions, not their justifications for them. When you do the healing alone, you realise how powerful and strong you are. This can spark the motivation to start the business, embark on the solo travel plan or just live life authentically. It wasn’t that the energy was never there; it’s that we learnt how to alchemise the pain for the betterment of our existence.

Subscribe now

Make peace with the change

I have a deep connection to the moon. I feel alive witnessing its craters in each rotation. I even track my cycle by the moon (3 years and counting). Through a telescope, I saw a crater or a unique shadow that increased my fascination. Each angle of the moon was the same object offering a new perspective. This prompted me to accept the differences that make up who we are and how differently we behave based on our positioning in life. It was a slap in the face. I could understand why others did what they did, as my positioning in life had changed too. This did not evade them from accountability; instead it allowed me to grieve freely. One or three hundred wrinkles in my brain formed, I gave myself the space to be angry, and express gratitude that the heartache brought wisdom for my future experiences.

Making peace is an individual process. They say 80% of autoimmune patients are women. Can we please allow healing to take its time? It took me four months just to minimise the emotional attachment, even though I called things off. Your 100% will look different every day, and drilling this into my cranium made ‘moving on’ easier than the denial my ego kept me in. The beauty of life is that it is in the nuance; we can create an alternative viewpoint. Silencing the echo chambers of my TikTok page and choosing colouring in, meditating, and daily walks gave my intuition access to my heart again. I was comfortable calling my energy back when I felt a desire to check their socials and do something for the present or future me instead. Peace is a verb and must be actively reinforced each day on your own accord.

Heartache changed me for the better

It’s an interesting feeling to experience heartache when you call it off. According to my friends and therapist, I had relationship burnout. An energy vampire (psychologically accepted as a dismissive avoidant, to me, a warlock) entered my life. My very first tarot reading: She pulled a card affirming that I had made the right decision. But what no one could teach me is how to develop the mental fortitude to progress in life and find joy again.

As mentioned earlier, the universe is here with open arms, waiting to help you level up again. I redirected all that energy back to me, and in no time (a couple of months lol), my money was up (a promotion and a pay rise). After regaining a secure attachment in relationships again, I am meeting healthy men, my fitness routine is consistent, my nervous system loves me, and I love life. I am no longer naive, and though bitterness was my preferred tea blend for a little bit, I remembered I deserved more. I acknowledge my Judas, took the narrow path, and here I am finding everlasting life once again.

Love,

Temwani xxx

Leave a comment

The best thing that ever happened to me was becoming a bitch. I took hold of the adjective and watched its meaning semantically shift. My identity adapted too. As my bitchiness grew more potent, I saw the trait’s dramatic integration into my life for the better.

After too many experiences where my boundaries didn’t exist and I was taken advantage of, I decided things needed to change. I needed to change. I, like many of us, were brought up to follow the rules and customs of our immediate environment. I was playing the game correctly, and yet nothing was going my way. My expectations were irrelevant to life’s tumultuous turns on my path to a fruitful independent life. What the f*ck?!

The speaks so eloquently on the idea of ‘invisible contracts’. There are systems that introduce ideas, expectations, and customs about how we are expected to behave. These ideas have a strong resonance with patriarchal values, which worked in veracious opposition to the independence I desired. When you are trying to expand and live a life that contradicts your immediate environment, you will face trials. These trials are necessary to foster agency and a reclaimed trust in your own perception, values and the future you intend to create.

As you reject these systems, whether it be patriarchy, your parents, intergenerational customs and traditions, or simply your upbringing, you must change. You will be seen as difficult, tyrannical and often the problem child. This is a sign that you’re on the right path.

As your identity evolves and you begin to honour the space you deserve, you'll realise you were never difficult. You were operating in environments that couldn't accommodate the standards, boundaries, and beliefs you now live by.

Subscribe now

Reframe Your Idea of ‘Difficult’

There is strength in being difficult. You have a mind of your own, taking risks seems safer, and you’re adamant about achieving your goals. On this journey, figuring out life seems lonely. No one truly understands you, and that’s why you’re hyper-independent. This is one perspective on the idea, but there’s a healthier way to consider it. As I have undergone nervous system regulation and found solace in healthy support, my ‘difficult’ personality was not the problem; the definition was.

Difficult - Adjective

/ˈdɪfɪklt/

When I took advantage of being described this way, especially as the eldest child, my pursuit of independence became optimistic rather than a trivial circumstance I had to make it out of. I stopped trying to be understood and accepted my indifference.

There is a startling reality we must accept; when we develop standards, anyone who intends to cross our boundaries, manipulate or manoeuvre with malice will view us as difficult. This can be anyone from immediate family to coworkers and sometimes this reality can rock our world and we cower into their game. I began to understand that what was why people viewed it as ‘difficult’. It was through my attitude, self-confidence and consistency that I had broken these invisible contracts and was scrutinised as a result. The dissonance people will feel towards your value system will create exclusivity and can become isolating until you find people on a similar wavelength to you.

Share

The Bitch is Always Satisfied

Have you ever noticed that the happiest people prioritise themselves? You cannot expend energy on others with pleasure if your own cup is depleted. Complete a simple task: take inventory of your energy. Where in your life do you feel depleted and what’s stopping you from being satisfied? Oftentimes we will find draining relationships, inconsistent efforts towards our goals, or hurt we haven’t dealt with. This is leaving us with minimal return on our investments, and the next step is to clear ourselves of this debt. The bitch understands this principle and can use space to operate more easily after our boundaries have been readjusted.

It wasn’t until my first retail manager, Ali, that I learnt the importance of self-preservation and regulating my nervous system for emotional longevity. I was 18, fresh out of high school and had zero work political awareness. I was stifled by how upper management had digested a cocktail of reverence and a pinch of intimidation in his presence. My regional managers always tiptoed with caution around him, which varied towards their treatment of other managers. He told me to always stand your ground, and people will make space for your presence. As a black, queer man over 40, he knew intersectionality all too well and how power dynamics affected your experience at work.

Over time, I worked on my people-pleasing skills and decided to say no more often when yes was my default. I started to speak up more and express my frustrations when appropriate rather than harbouring resentment. Developing this assurance came with its challenges like being misunderstood, provoked and excluded. In the end, it was necessary when I looked at the garden of peace I had cultivated by ensuring my peace first. The bitch is always satisfied because they have embraced being difficult, and people, in turn, feel comfortable being one around me, too.

The Consequences of Neglecting Your Needs

Neglecting yourself is one of the greatest hindrances to achieving your goals. It is poor spiritual hygiene. You begin to minimise self-actualisation by refusing to adhere to your standards and expectations. How many times do we do this for the sake of keeping a friendship, overcoming a brewing argument with our partner or staying quiet at work to keep our job? In the short-term these are minute problems, but they can compound and create a monumental identity crisis.

When you neglect your needs, you’re slowly migrating towards emotional detachment from your soul. Your energy is too externally driven, leaving you with a low supply for yourself to actualise what you want. When you’re running on empty, you’re bound for misery and a lack of certainty towards what you want in life. Your own physical and mental state goes against your intentions.

The more energy you invest in yourself, the more clarity towards your identity will appear. It’s in the consistency that change is created. It is not linear, but it is upward, and that’s the most important part.

Boundaries and Bitchiness are the Bridges to your Dream Life

On your journey to self-actualisation, you will begin to ‘master’ your identity. It is important to remain persistent and accept the changes in how you view yourself and the world around you. Alongside your personal change, the people in your life will, too, and this is where your boundaries become a sacred act of self-care.

When I embark on an identity shift journey, I tend to self-isolate. This has its benefits, but it has stemmed from perpetual experiences of disappointment. Although our past experiences can guide us by deepening our discernment and social cues, we must understand the significance the community will play in our dream life. Your ideals in relationships will change, leading you towards new environments with the intention of meeting new people. As we enter foreign territory, our body wants to keep us safe, and this can stop us from utilising relationships to help us enter our dream life.

When I started my social club as well as my entrepreneurial endeavours, the community was what kept me going. I found safety in the consistency and emotional availability of my peers in my co-working space and fitness classes. Those around us can offer perspectives that can benefit our identity and thereby inspire action that can propel the manifestation (or identity changing) process. I learnt to microdose on connection before I felt comfortable giving more of my energy. This balanced my need for connection and distance, fostering connections that have transformed my life and reshaped my outlook on friendships and relationships.

Closing Thoughts

I am proud to be difficult, and I hope to inspire you on your journey there, too. You have the power of choice; not towards everything, but hopefully your own autonomy. It is a privilege, and I hope it empowers you to be difficult in order to achieve your soul’s desires.

Share this with someone who needs to hear this.

Love,

Temwani xxx

The human condition has been accustomed to only appreciating perfection unless it’s ‘intentionally’ imperfect. Like the scribbles on a canvas that sell for over $1,000 at your local indie art gallery. Stop it and release the expectations. You may not want to, but what if writing for yourself, and people happen to read it, becomes your new normal?

I relish in the shitty fanfics of your celebrity crushes and the alternative endings of my favourite novels. The syntax, semantics, and overall cohesion would’ve sent our English teachers into a spiral. There is beauty in the messiness; the beauty of bad writing is found in its subjectivity, like all things. As adults, we have to learn to reconnect with the creativity that was pushed aside by the growing responsibilities of adulthood. Things have to be in order for life to operate smoothly, and then we took this approach into our creativity.

When did we forget to be ‘bad’ at something?

The notion of poor creative work shifts based on the individual due to our subjective outlooks on the world. Give yourself permission to view your first draft as your final draft (sometimes :/). Whether it’s morning pages or a dedicated journal article, every creative endeavour offers an opportunity to satisfy your inner child or your playful adult energy. I love the clean aesthetics, a neat layout, and precise language. Producing coherent thoughts will always matter to me. However, I have also seen how high expectations translate into the inability to begin. This shows up in the delayed start of a project, refusing to write after a few minutes into a piece, or even a long hiatus from being ‘stuck’.

There is someone who has heard this message a million times over. Even that perspective used to deter my ability to share my work. When I remembered that I’m writing for myself and it happens to be public, navigating life became much easier.

It’s all about showing up for yourself and acknowledging there will always be judgement, support, and even inspiration from everything I put out. I, too, am an observer as well as a creator of art. I appreciate taking on two roles and therefore find joy in both. The only way to get better at your craft is by persisting and refining. I look forward to more bad writing.

Let me set the example of ‘bad writing’.

Love,

Temwani

Subscribe now

It no longer hurts to listen. As I began to write, I let out an ancestral sigh that doubled as a somatic release of the emotional weight I wilfully carried. The maturity people witness in an eldest daughter is layered. Their ears have heard enough dilemmas, and their hearts are fatigued from compassion. I give up. For the first time in decades, I have allowed shit to hit the fan. My morning walks have taken on new routes like Sheol, and it has been quite blissful. As an eldest daughter, I didn’t understand the issue that parentification had caused. I only saw the effects when emotional maturity was the norm in my peers’ households.

Giving up was easier than I thought. I had my last ‘official’ argument with a close relative. I no longer could tolerate the stench of covert narcissism, DARVO and their envy of my boundaries (also known as my ‘attitude’). The development of my attitude and independence was a method of self-preservation I learned to protect myself from the destructive patterns of people I was in close proximity to. I allowed myself to let go and accept the reality that I cannot fix everyone. I, like many eldest daughters, made a promise: to never end up like a parent, or better yet, marry one. However, how could I be sure of this if I was holding on to the idea of being valuable to those who refused to see it?

We often find ourselves resentful or suppressed for the sake of keeping up appearances. But to whom? We know that we are different. My darling angel, it’s time to allow the righteous anger to be felt, and from there we can transmute that energy into selfishness that finally serves us for a greater good.

Let Shit Get Messy

It is time to stop cleaning up. I felt the need to pick the pieces of their broken glass and watch them walk away gracefully as if nothing had ever happened. I had Pavlov conditioned myself to rescue others to feel useful in the attempt to be seen. The performance stopped when I decided there didn’t need to be an audience. The suppression stopped, and I allowed anger to be expressed. I was placing my expectations onto people whose patterns I was familiar with. When I accepted the indifference, I realised that they have their own way of handling mess. So in the now cliché words of Mel Robbins, I fucking let them. I sat back and watched it burn, including my parents’ mess that I felt responsible for holding so long.

How Giving Up Improves Relationships.

We, as eldest daughters, owe ourselves the gift of rest, letting go, and emotional regulation. I recently gave up on a romantic experience, and it taught me that I am ok. For the first time in a long time, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders from carrying issues that weren’t mine. I also found clarity in the intoxicating freedom of putting myself first. I refused to repeat a cycle that I saw women in my life get trapped in right before my eyes. From then on, I accepted the beauties our flawed nature offers us. After a few months of reflection and action, I acknowledged ‘safety’. The emotional security within myself to move on without ‘‘fixing’ someone else. I was able to divert that energy onto myself.

When everyone stopped being a Build-A-Bear project, I also stopped objectifying myself. I was no longer a high-achieving perfectionist; I was an evolving woman comfortable making herself and only herself, whole. I hope you find your way there, too.

As for now, I sit and enjoy the show. I am no longer the director, executive producer, and casting director all in one. I am simply an audience member who allows bad scenes to play out until the end.

Your New Mantra

Love,

Temwani xxx

Leave a comment

I wish that I were sorry for putting myself first. The days of endless justifications for poor treatment are over. This season, my neighbourhood’s autumn leaves finally nudged me. A swift leaf whispered, the seasons change, and so should you. It was only then that I asked myself, are my immediate companions the best reflection of the ‘transitioned’ me? I was forced to acknowledge what I was tolerating for the sake of a romantic connection. Now, I had another fear: staying for his ego and my desire for companionship. I felt good, not great, and I know what happens to women who stay for ‘potential’.

I recently ended an almost relationship. We were in the third month of laughter and inside jokes. The chemistry stabilised, and the compatibility of our values becomes the loudest indicator of our trajectory. It was a beneficial experience that taught me the beauty of saying goodbye without harbouring resentment or vilifying another human being. Although I can’t say the same for him. That’s ok, that’ll be a bonus feature to the closure I needed regarding his patterns of behaviour.

When I was naive to the cruelty of some men, shadow work helped me understand my weaknesses. I knew after tumultuous experiences (amazing and meh), that receiving ‘good’ treatment could not be my forever all. When you have worked so hard to curate a life of bliss, you realise what is possible and expect that or more in another human. With consideration of your differences, of course. We shared similar interests in film, music, and artistic direction, but what about the capacity to expand emotionally and support each other with compassion? This became a sticky situation. It’s the imbalanced emotional security that makes you question if you matter to them as much as they do to you. Inner work made me realise that alignment is a beautiful, complex phenomenon. Growth becomes a verb; it’s crucial to expand in all areas of your life. As women, we work hard; therefore, we must refuse to be veered off track by a few good times with a person comfortable with stagnancy. The healer wants to heal everything she touches, but you are not Jesus, and you, too, need an anchor for support.

Romance is a beautiful gift. When you have set the standard for a great life, you expect the world to reciprocate that. I am hopeful with a dash of scepticism. We must still reflect on the quality of our relationship, discuss it and ensure you are both on the same page or on the same chapter at times. I wish I had the ability to tolerate less because I, too, wanted it to work out. You have curated an abundant life, and when people can’t support that, it can become a breeding ground for ego, jealousy, self-sabotage and resentment. You deserve an equal. Your mentality, work ethic, favourite podcast or vision board will remind you of why you can’t stay. Not from a place of bitterness, but rather indifference. Suffering can be induced by staying longer than expected in environments that don’t serve you. Your worth cannot be deduced from someone’s mediocre view on life. Refinement is the precipice of alignment. Good is everywhere; the great, exceptional, and abundant life is on the other side of intentionality. If a connection doesn’t reciprocate your interest, you must leave. Not for you today, but for you tomorrow.

Love,

Temwani xxx

“Ok, bye. I’ll talk to you soon”, he says. I use my developed intuition to sense his attraction to me, but I don’t smell the aroma of yearning. It ‘s in the lack of clarity that my anxious attachment style thrives with scenarios that feel the void until our next ‘spontaneous’ 3-hour phone call. I have a lot to give, I tell myself. I am also frustrated by the lack of reciprocity in creating a sensual entanglement that can improve our lives. After four months of consistent communication, my security settles; he likes me, and I like him too. Gladly. But why did I wait until his confirmation to feel ‘whole’, ‘sane’ and dare I say worthy?

This is a common pattern I have witnessed in myself and other women who seek romantic connections with men. I am a heterosexual woman who has not researched the dynamics in same-sex relationships (yet). In my findings and therapeutic explorations for personal growth, I realised that we women have a superpower: the euphoric, rapturous, and spiritual tendency to elevate his morale. After spending considerable time with ‘your man’ (use this term sparingly), resentment can build. When we pour our time and laser-like curiosity towards him, we deplete our energy reserves to promote that exploration process on ourselves in our own time. Limerence and attachment styles add layered complexity to our longing for his affection. It’s natural.

However, in shifting cultural norms where survival is slowly becoming a rejected rhetoric for engaging with men, we must redirect to a more balanced approach in dating. I used to fixate on his every phrase, how long it took him to reply, his following, you name it. Sometimes, I still find this to be key information about his interests, traits, and values, but the process should not fixate on him. We’ve found a potential suitor that may love us in our rough drafts, not just the final piece.

Subscribe now

We cling onto that for dear life to be validated. We were told to.

I have found that while we lose ourselves, he’s thriving. Prioritising his life, not investing too early on and choosing convenience over sacrifice early on. I used to hate these ‘rules’ until I used them to affirm my worth. I am communicating with a stranger, let’s utilise baby steps to vet, understand and asses his character over chemistry. I am a lover girl (not retired, just vigilant) who loves being selfish. How can we get there: to entertain love but entertain loving ourselves more in the process?

I am a lover girl, but not a depleted one.

The constant days of considering a man are over. They were short and exhausting while they lasted. Please don’t consume my pessimism; it’s healthy. In recent circumstances, I have successfully guarded my heart, where I can pursue long-term romantic prospects and not allow the disappointment to seep so deeply that I am bitter towards love. I have found two types of lover girls: the exhausted lover girl and the empowered love girl.

The Exhausted Lover Girl

The exhausted lover girl has been conditioned to be male-centred. It is traditionally the result of societal conditioning that has appropriated and rewarded women for practising androcentrism. Part of a woman’s enlightenment is recognising the power she holds and having a healthy repulsion towards any man’s attraction. This girl was taught to cater to a man, which makes her easier to choose. She gives all she has, excuses his negging and resentments towards the world. Her actions become a tolerance of the echo chamber of his victimhood.

Unfortunately, this is the woman who gets played. Not because she didn’t know the signs, she was never provided the resources or took on the challenge to improve her self-esteem. Her heart gets broken, sometimes in the talking stage, and she swears off men. The bitterness eats at her soul, consuming her thoughts, and regret ensues. Still, she has hope and entertains his nonsense for the sake of it, getting better. To get out of this state, she must: take accountability from a place of empowerment after the shame. She must see her scars as wisdom. She must work on her wounds to be a better lover to herself, and she must choose to never look back like Lot’s wife. It is not our fault for choosing awful men; we look for the best in people. It is important to ask ourselves: is this someone who is giving me more love or taking it away?

The Empowered Lover Girl

The Empowered Lover Girl is confident, secure, and aware of the issues that can arise during romance. I would like to say that I am here, but only after years of a therapeutic outlook followed by practical steps. We must acknowledge that we were conditioned to feel shame. We cannot imagine ourselves free from the shackles of external validation. This woman refuses to give up on love because she sees it in all forms in her life through creation. Love is a skill that is best practised on yourself FIRST. From this position, her eyes are wide, her gut radiates signs, and most importantly, she is comfortable being ‘alone’, which just means she’s not settling for his presence.

When a woman is empowered, she has tapped into her divine essence. Because of her independent study time, she is educated on manipulation, coercion, and the dark triad traits (psychopathy, narcissism, and machiavellianism). She knows that tolerance only enables his disrespect and that his bitterness no longer gets to dim her light. To become empowered, we must first forgive ourselves. Recognise our nature is naturally nurturing but we must change what we tend to. Exhaustion is usually a sign to rest and reroute.

Practical steps to become empowered:

• Please note: I am speaking from personal experience and research x

1. Start observing and trusting actions more than words.

2. Incorporate nervous system regulation.

3. Strengthen your independent life: he is still secondary!!

4. Practice self-care rituals

5. Create boundaries specific to dating.

6. Therapy (or just talk to a trusted voice)

7. Radical accountability

Mama, he’s siphoning your energy: Co-Regulation.

This seems to be a canon event. A beautiful woman is talking to a man who doesn’t feel the need to pour into her, and still, he feels entitled to her presence. Subtly with gradual progression, he was once the slightly depressed, directionless man who suddenly found clarity to his life’s calling after spending a few hours with you. He’s a vampire! Siphoning and draining your life force, while you sit here questioning your worth because he struggles to compliment you. This can be attributed to ideas like co-regulation (loosely).

Co-regulation can be defined as an interaction where a regulated individual offers emotional comfort and safety towards another individual. This process can involve an individual sharing their nervous system to provide companionship during a person’s difficult time. Now wait, your kind and caring soul needs to understand that it is not your responsibility to ‘fix him’. Mamas, this is a grown man who is choosing his own victimhood, and we must be able to pull back when the emotional offload is no longer healthy vulnerability. In these circumstances, it tends to be a man who has ‘trusted’ you more than anyone else in his life and begins to cognitive offload his traumas, assuming it’s bonding. But does he hold the emotional capacity to hear you? The crowd goes silent.

I see this pattern all too often. A women wants the best for a man, so she listens and shares her multi-million dollar wisdom to a man who just wants to be heard, but won’t even listen to his own psyche prompting him to change. This is where I felt resentful the most. I listened and couldn’t be considered. As women, we have the super power to create. This life force can bring birth to new creations, especially a new identity. Men know this, and many (not all, like my father) will keep you around as a free therapist while you hope he gets better to be fit to date you. Sorry, hun, you must meet someone with your emotional capacity and a self-driven willingness to grow. Recognising this universal dilemma will keep you centred when speaking to Tom, Ade, and Omar.

Create ‘talking-stage’ rules.

In the early stages of talking, I love to text! The issue is that it can create a false sense of progression when communication and actions aren’t synchronised with the emojis sent to one another. The talking stage is solely for understanding their character, seeing if their intentions match their actions and planning dates. As an anxious attachment girly, it is common to spiral, make assumptions and want the process to speed up. In turn, we can lose sight of our needs to maintain the perception that he is good for us.

To maintain self-fulfilment, here are some rules that have helped me:

• I don’t want constant communication; I want security.

• I cannot provide, give, or advise a GROWN MAN on anything. Just observe and see if there’s alignment.

• How do I feel after interactions with him?

• My life is great, does he compliment it?

• Is he eager to see me? In the meantime, how can I continue to treat myself?

Closing thoughts.

We are socialised to tend to a man’s needs. It’s the byproduct of thousands of years of a system known as the patriarchy. With the shifting dynamics and priorities of women, we have more accessibility and choice. It is pivotal to reflect, consume, and question the beliefs that were fed to us in the repetitive actions and mindsets of those around us. You are deserving of clarity, security and emotional intelligence in romance. You must put yourself first and accept the natural ebbs and flows when interacting with men. Empowerment is a choice and must be reinforced daily, even when we want to grace a man with our presence.

Mwah,

Temwani xxx

The perfect attempt #75.

I am perplexed that a single sentence is yet to satisfy. The only coherent rhythm is the breeze begging me to follow its flows: accept the irregularity of life. I am tired but energised to seek success. It is earned, that I am sure of. I’ll be honest, I am not sure what success really is. But it doesn’t matter when the process offers comfort.

I have no standard of comparison, yet I know what I do not want in this lifetime. Disappointment must be minimised by perfection’s deceitful whispers, guiding each stroke of my artistry.

Even now, my thoughts must make sense. If they don’t, I cannot attribute my art to Camus, Baldwin, Substack, or an old friend. Either way, I must persist, because that’s what is safe. That’s what makes sense. That’s the only way I see sustainability: to continue and not fear the outcome.

To embrace the scrutiny and inattentive ears of my writing. How do I stop the people-pleasing when I simply want others to enjoy my craft?

Right now, I allow myself to have bad writing. Strangers can read me and hate my work. Please do. I must accept imperfection as a norm in my reality. My current self would never allow me to post this rough-drafted nonsense, but the psyche that sees my heart and my deceitful intentions will.

Sorry, Camus, Baldwin, Substack, and to a friend I dare attribute this nonsense to.

There is a sickening realisation that lies on the tongues of our forefathers, close friends, and ourselves. For decades, quiet utterances have held families together by a thread. Generations tremble at the thought of their realities being plastered in the memories of others, because the truth in their minds only invites shame, guilt, and abandonment without freedom following afterwards. “You are doomed”, and we have tattooed this mantra onto our hearts. Silence caresses our neck and whispers, “There is nothing safer”, and that’s not true. When you speak up, the walls of Jericho come crumbling down, and you can no longer appreciate silence for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’, because it doesn’t. As an African woman, I have apologised to my ancestors who told me to yell and not care what others think. It was then that I first picked up my pen to release my truth.

Silence is passive, and that irks my soul enough to stay clear of it. If you are trying to enter a life of abundance, you must acknowledge the imperfections that exist within our reality. This is not about silence in knowing your worth and moving on; that will always be a strength. This is the silence that minimises your self-expression due to prioritising what others prefer.

ENTER YOUR LOUDEST ERA

The best thing I ever did in my late teen years was embracing my loudness. Not the volume at which I spoke, I mean placing my personality, values, and boundaries as the main cast of the shitty movie I was the star in. It took work. I Journalled through cramped palms and almost-empty gel pens to break free from the cave of insecurity I was in for so long. Progressing towards my own light was synonymous with appreciating my truth. I feared it at times, and sometimes I still do. Your loudest era has nothing to do with prosodics, but rather how grounded and confident you are to reinforce your identity (your truth) around those without shrinking. Far too often (with the added complexity of intersectionality), we assume that suppressing our authenticity will make others like us. People pleasing was an empty promise that the generation before us sold us with the expectation of belonging. If you haven’t realised, it’s not true. We cannot force people to appreciate us, but rather we can navigate to environments that are willing to grace our present with the care we cater to ourselves.

To enjoy the social interactions without feeling depleted is to present who you are honestly and see who stays and who leaves. A healthy embodiment of the soul often presents a mirror, reflecting how people feel in the presence of truth. Authenticity is repelling, but it offers clarity. This is your signal to persist. Your true nature will attract other high-vibrational souls and allow the cracks in people’s true intentions to show. Silence seems safer than experiencing the exclusion, unjustified judgment from strangers, and jealousy from those who only see ‘luck’. You are lucky now; your aura radiates authority and transparency without saying a word. Congratulations.

Your loudest era will not only challenge your existence, but also the closest people to you. When you decide to navigate the world critically after questioning the constraints you were fed from birth, some people won’t be happy. The opportunity to change your reality and proclaim your truth will present chances for others to change as well. Shame is an emotional trigger that appears when perpetrators of your pain are put on trial for their actions. This can be immediate family members, relationships, friendships, and environments that detested your peaceful existence. While you are left picking up the pieces of a plate you did not drop, they watch you clean up the mess that wasn’t yours to begin with. It is pivotal to decide how you navigate their response to your growth and authority.

My forgiveness was not born out of reconciliation, but an unnerving understanding of why they would hide. Safety is all they ever wanted too. Instead of trying to rebrand peace, I prioritised my own. Silence toward our inner darkness invites Armageddon too early. The beauty of silence is that it’s sleek, sexy, and sometimes more impactful than words, in the correct conditions: gazing into your lover’s eyes. Besides that, don’t allow silence to replicate the tricks of the Serpent in the Garden of Eden. It twists your curiosity for your own demise. Speak up, share your truth, and embrace its cracks, leaks, and ragged lines. Your truth makes you who you are, and it’s only ugly unless you deem it so.

Subscribe now

My mirror smiles back at me when it sees me shake the trauma away to the City Girl’s Act Up at 1 in the morning. The bass encourages me to keep going, and JT’s lyricism affirms the identity I’m trying to collapse into reality. I’m almost there. That is, the person who is immersed in appreciating their past sufferings and gains wisdom, which brings about internal stability.

The goal is to embody grace in every chapter of my life. Integrity, gratitude, and accountability are virtues that support my idea of security. Self-acceptance came along differently. Embracing the idea of sexy taught me that. It shared a secret: to view sexiness not as an erotic or sensual expression, but as an essential aspect of a healthy lifestyle. What does this look like in contemporary society? How do I navigate it as a young woman who can’t wait to evolve?

The Etymology of Sexy.

The first thing to remember is that our words, bodies, and choices all tell a story or continue one. The shared rhetoric of words can reinforce norms that perpetuate division rather than inclusion. One of those words is sexy.

The word sex has Latin roots. “Sexus” meant division, referring to male and female categories with links to “secure” (to divide). In earlier years, sex had minimal associations with eroticism, but now it does. Sexy is a more recent adjective. It was first recorded in English around the late 19th century and meant “pertaining to sex”. The semantic shift arrived in the mid-20th century, particularly in American Slang. This is where it evolved to mean arousing desire, appealing, and attractive. Sexiness is the abstraction of attractiveness. It is not a word traditionally associated with ancient virtue. It should be associated with modern virtue. This is what we must reclaim.

Subscribe now

The issue with sexiness.

The conditions of “sexy” have revolved around taming it and reducing its intensity. We began to associate our alluring nature with danger rather than careful curiosity. This produced ideas of shame and harmful rhetoric that minimised our exploration of self to an unhealthy habituation to bury. The connotative perspectives we associate with words influence the self and the world. We have a choice in what we see, and that is influenced by what we say, reinforcing beliefs that can either benefit us or degrade our worth.

Sexiness is an experience we are seeking to reclaim. Our attempt can start off as brittle, weak, and commonly unnecessary. We have to learn our values alongside this process. I would like to make two distinctions here, which have impacted our view on sexiness: these are what I shall call market eroticism vs moral eroticism.

Market Eroticism was designed for consumption and is dependent on external approval. It has strong situational ties to the dynamics in which we long for intimacy and validation. We begin to view beauty based on the reciprocity of desire rather than the security of our own emotional comfort. This promotes shame and fear towards self-expression. Not to mention, intersectionality adds complexity to the satisfaction of people’s existence.

People-pleasing plays a role in our self-appreciation. I got comfortable rejecting the commodification of my existence. I feared undermining my presence to assimilate into environments that minimized my true self-expression. Music, film, and even literature have reinforced attitudes towards erotica that we must obtain to be viable for sexual comfort. This is greatly problematic and explains why we fail to achieve comfort with ourselves.

Moral Eroticism emerges from integrity. It can come about from experiences like the ‘dark knight of the soul’ (John of the Cross) or an existential crisis in relation to Nietzsche’s philosophy. This can only be birthed from a disdain and fatigue of society’s subconscious imposition on your psyche. When the light had dissipated for a long time in my life, I had to relearn who I was. With minimal awareness of my worth, I got to choose what mattered. This creates a foundation of self that will not collapse when external validation isn’t received with the same intensity. Your conditional love led nowhere, binding you to the ever-shifting values of society. But when self-respect is practised daily, it creates renewed appreciation and a growing allure. It is important to be attracted to yourself, it’s healthy, tantalising, and evermore fulfilling. This is how I did it.

When Sensuality becomes freeing.

It is a choice to accept the possibilities that freedom offers us. That is where it started. I recognised that we don’t all know what we’re doing. We find and create meaning for the sake of security, especially towards our identity and then find solace in projection. I rebuke that. Educating yourself on your body, boundaries and various personality types promotes heightened self-expression. I began by being curious with my mind; this was ideal as a sapiosexual. I started to embrace my own intellect and drew intimacy from the way I think. I began to feel confident in my perspectives, and it started to flow externally. I used affirmations, breath work, and shadow work sporadically. The daily microdosing of accountability promoted self-respect that shifted how I saw myself physically. I fell in love with myself completely, so my body started to caress my soul, and I built a harmonious relationship between the two. I am in control. I choose praise above criticism. My sensuality becomes freeing by rejecting market eroticism and doing the inner work to allow assurance as the baseline. I hope you can get there too.

Betrayal, you’re rumoured to smell like sulphur. A trip that will last an eternity to find out. Your existence permeates through the marrow of unsatisfied lips that quiver at loyalty over misery.

I, too, prefer silver over gold. A Judas and I have that in common. My colour analysis revealed I’m a cool tone. That’s the only similarity to be found. We all chase after the wind. We find comfort in futility; it only makes sense. Life is futile and vain. But why grasp onto momentary riches fuelled by self-absorption? Jesus was willing to commune with you, and so was I.

Betrayal is beautiful. It doesn’t rush, echoing sentiments in a love trained in endurance. It hurts, but so does everything I’ve come to appreciate. I reclaimed stability after the gentle aches of its strikes. I came here alone. Born alone. I promise to experience life with nurture, before I am soon gone like the wind.

Resentment isn’t my baseline; compassion is. Forgiveness takes place every day. The bitterness of their own demise can also take place every day. I don’t want a table prepared in front of my enemies. I quite frankly prefer the melancholy breeze that washes over my picnic blanket during my solo date.

Subscribe now

Nouns have never been known to awaken the demogorgon residing on the other side of my personal dissonances. My shadow side. They are just words, and with our free will, we have the opportunity to semantically shift them from their original definition. This enhances our worldview and cultivates a habitual pattern of growth through curiosity. It also reinforces our choice, as words influence our emotional states through a process known as cognitive appraisal. In other words, we can become the main character in our lives.

It is usually the adjectives projected onto me that do influence my mood. A misrepresenting ideal attached to my back like a sticky note I didn’t know existed. Within the concept of language, I have found that the connotation of the word “change” has negative associations, influencing the impact and support an individual’s rebrand achieves.

This is not a scholarly article, though it could be. As a spiritually inclined psychology (and criminology) student, I speculate on the variables that impact the outcome of a rebrand. Especially public figures. Kai Cenat is the only one who has prompted me to delve into writer’s block on this topic. Why? Because his rebrand (on a non-conspiratorial level) is working perfectly. There is repulsion before the best rebrand of public figures, and he knows that. What can we learn from Kai Cenat’s rebrand, and how can we apply it to our own transformation?

Subscribe now

Change makes people bitter.

Change is an adored value in the consumption of contemporary media. We long to see the vulnerability of our favourite celebrities, the tribulation of first-time mothers, and the post-breakup glow-up journeys. Transformation has long shaped the way our parasocial relationships grow and deepen. Relatability. It satiates the soul’s desire to be understood and reclaims our communal nature when done so safely. Slowly. We desire to see the struggle, a positively-infantised play on sadism. We are not alone. Thank you for not being perfect. That’s what the visibility of suffering reinforces, until you excel from it.

In Buddhism, there is a core doctrine known as “impermanence”. It recognises the changing nature of our existence and its importance for a life of fulfilment despite suffering. Holding on is a faulty safety-net which attaches the idea of comfort with contentment. Kai Cenat’s visibility of transformation is showcasing a holistic transformation to an audience that he has built with an old identity. I have changed, he exclaims. The refusal to accept his transformation mirrors the refusal to acknowledge change in our own lives. Change can be comforting until it makes us question the satisfaction of our own standards.

We are constantly shedding, like the snakes Bear Grylls raves about. The desire to grow anchors your stability on a consistent upheaval of accountability, grit, and minimal excuses. This tends to lead to a life of satisfaction by design rather than the occasional blessing in a life filled with resentment. Kai is taking personal responsibility over his education, health, and idealised lifestyle, threatening the validity of our understanding of him.

He is being performative. I once was, too.

Fake it till you make it is a short rendition of the universal law, ‘The Law of Assumption’ (LOA). It is active when an internal shift occurs to align with your desired physical reality. When I started reading, it was performative. Two pages and a nice thirty-minute nap have turned my life into a career of writing and planning. He is reading, holding a journal and playing the nuanced artist at a gala. He will get there with continued consistency. A good performance requires consistent rehearsals. The only absolute for failure as an outcome is not trying at all. He has changed, and the public rhetoric that he has met with judgment rather than support is a universal experience that those who have changed will all face. It’s your canon event.

What he has done well.

Kai Cenat is a personal brand. Consequently, he has a team that understands the social undertones that permeate the inner psyche of the masses. As I’ve undergone my own rebrand, I can affirm that there will be a natural resistance to growth. He has amassed over 70 million followers. A large following often invites heightened judgment, which can undermine self-belief. His refusal to step down will see him victorious like the chatter in a classroom before assembly. His PR team knows the difference between noise and backlash. Because that’s all it is. Noise is equivalent to a serpent questioning your justification for eating from the tree of fear.

Kai has incorporated three principles that work well for anyone interested in rebranding:

1. He Retreated

He went offline for a while. We questioned. We sat and appreciated the solace that can arise from the absence of an individual we see regularly. How many of us do that with ourselves? Taking time away from familiar environments (physical and digital) can bring about great progress by fuelling the spirit over the flesh. It is not just a biblical truth to retreat; it is a necessary action for personal elevation. The inner voice wants to speak without prompting, and that cannot occur when there is no environment to hear it. Remove yourself temporarily from environments that reinforce who you are trying to say goodbye to. I cannot know for sure what Kai did during his time offline, and that’s the point. Solitude arises when the murkiness is cleared away like swivels in a pond. The purpose is to create distance that enables questions (from others and yourself) of wonder and acceptance for change during the elapsed time.

For your own personal growth, it is recommended and arguably essential to step away from the crowd. Sit with the fear of instability. A detoxification is necessary for the sanctification of your vessel. New ways of living require an uncomfortable goodbye to what was once known. People cannot tamper with what they do not know. When you retreat, you develop a healthy awareness of your weaknesses, values, and projections that are not serving you. There is only you, and that’s all you need.

2. He Reappeared

The time you appear can determine the significance of the transformation. When you are in the public eye, leaving after a significant event can support the impact your return can bring. For Kai, it was after his streamatholon. For Harry Styles, I’m not sure what for, but he’s back with anticipation to be bigger. Your immersion with others, after how long, is your choice. An inquisitive soul only quiets but never leaves. When there is a transformation, the energy is sensed first, creating an appeal to know more. Reappearance must be met with boundaries that create standards for how others approach you. People can intentionally mischaracterise you to examine (consciously or unconsciously) the depth of your change. During this season, a lack of certainty in our identity, capabilities and revised perception is expected. The most important truth is to accept that the goal isn’t to please anyone. It is to appreciate the personal journey you have undertaken publicly. The reclaiming of your soul.

3. He Repelled (Persistence despite Criticism)

Change will bring a diverse range of emotions from those in your life. Doubt, animosity, envy, and appreciation. The receptivity to your growth will be determined by the significance and value of the growth of those all around you. With a sociological perspective, there are three known environments for interaction: primary, secondary, and tertiary. These should provide a level of categorisation of the relationships you have in your life. In your ‘retreat’ and ’reappearance’, a new skill-set to harness these vibrations will be building. Cultivating the discernment to distinguish the feelings and motives of those around you are significant to maintain an aura of peace within the chaos. It is important to appreciate the repelling. New requires new. Without any resistance, the shift cannot support the magnitude you are looking for to grow and enter a new life cycle. PR Assistants recognise this (I’ve been around enough to know).

A great rebrand will be supported by an equal or greater level of controversy due to the human nature of change. When a collective reinforces safety together, they can also cultivate appreciation for difference once it has settled. Kai Cenat is being laughed at right now, but soon it will be appreciated. Whether you like it or not. The same will occur through your own persistence, despite what those around you may think.

Repulsion is a natural response to any new stressor that counters the ecosystem we have built for ourselves. This is a truth that is necessary to persevere through the rocky road of rebranding.

Thanks for reading,

Temwani xx

Leave a comment

My desire for connection withers away when misalignment is in the prosody of every conversation. We know that we crave connection, but to what extent does it truly matter? It is no good for man to be alone, but I’ve found solace, my purpose, and fulfilment in my identity, alone. When a friendship ends, it’s normal to feel upset, resentful, and, by all means, empty. There are plausible reasons as to why a connection may end. In my personal observation, friendships have ended due to outgrowth, jealousy/envy, male-centred (or ‘pick me’) behaviour, and a lack of consideration.

These issues brew slowly, yet the concentration of these traits compound leaving a tannic taste, and we both no longer want a sip. We know it’s time to let go. I am a little too comfortable leaving (blame the avoidant placement), and I’m glad. I have learnt to never compromise my values for the sake of community, and in turn, I have found a true tribe. I am convinced that all endings support our evolution, including the end of friendships.

Subscribe now

Emotional Maturity is Crucial.

The key to stability is emotional regulation. This refers to the personal ability to manage and respond to an emotional experience effectively. We all unconsciously use emotional regulation strategies to cope with difficult situations throughout each day. When we cultivate awareness, we can diffuse strong emotions, often allowing for a varied perspective and minimising emotions like anger.

One of the difficulties in creating distance is being the individual who is more emotionally mature. You’re an understanding soul who can recognise the issue in a situation without it leaving a permanent stain towards the other individual’s character. We know that we cannot expect this in return. Human beings are naturally negatively wired. As a consequence, we seek justifications to reinforce fear and our problematic rationale for a sense of comfort. This is where the resentment begins to bear its own fruit. You become the villain, and the triangulation begins.

May I please suggest: never retaliate! I am a little woo-woo when it comes to my beliefs on retribution. I’ve found that the truth comes out 99.98% of the time; you just aren’t around to witness it. When a smear campaign takes place, you have the upper hand by never reciprocating the energy back. Leave, and allow yourself to crash out privately and transmute that energy to fuel the new era of your life.

The true testament to an individual’s character is shown in how they handle disagreements and communication when there’s no affinity. The best thing you can do if you’re engaging in discourse is to remain firm in your decision, show respect and appreciation for the past. We cannot ruminate and speculate on the thoughts of others. We must collide our two worlds, the mental and reality. Subjectively is important for our personal navigation, yet we must accept the objective truth to keep our path straight.

How to End a Friendship: Jealously, Envy, and the Pick Me.

When a friendship ends out of a shadow trait like jealousy, envy, disgust, etc, the best response is usually the silent cut off. I am the confrontational type, though I have developed the self-assurance to accept a person’s character without having to respond. The issue with these shadow traits is that they are quite subtle and show up in unique ways.

Simple Signs of Envy & Jealousy:

• Downplays or diminishes your accomplishments.

• Unnecessary competition.

• Sarcasm and Back-handed remarks.

• Silence.

• Copying your MO.

Emotional Manipulation may follow suit in these dynamics. During a ‘mutual resolution’, a teaspoon of minimisation is stirred into the mix, where you can gaslight yourself into believing that you’re the problem. Discernment is your greatest asset here. We all have been handed a sword that helps cut through bullshit. This sword is sharpened through obedience to your intuition rather than ignoring it. It is healthy to think the best of your friends, but refusing to acknowledge that these traits can show up does you no good.

Our intuition is a guide that has amazing foresight; it is sensitive. It’s usually overlooked to maintain present truths. In relational dynamics, shadow traits have a close association with shame. The closure is their behaviour, words and accountability is a bonus here. We all want to preserve our esteem, but in some people, that translates into absolving themselves of any responsibility.

Friendship Breakups Free Up Space.

Endings are a constant in the human experience. Death is just one form of that. So are friendship break ups. People move cyclically, and sometimes you will experience exponential growth like an economic life cycle. There are seasons of plenty and scarcity, but there is always an abundance of wisdom to be applied when navigating these dynamics. According to Dunbar’s number, the average person can only have up to 5 intimate friends. At this rate, you are lucky to even have 1.

Work on your value system, on your self-esteem and practice gratitude. Becoming your own best friend is the most stable relationship you can rely on outside of God (if you believe in one). Things get messy because humans are messy. Appreciate them just the way they are.

Love, Temwani xoxo

Subscribe now

I prepare to be disappointed. To return home fatigued, scrutinizing my ambition for belonging, which seems futile. Constant interaction with bitter souls will start to wear on you. To be transformed by their pessimism. I rebuke that.

Pessimism starts to become a sweeter appetiser to life than gratitude. The seven sins (and my vices) start to fester, singing a louder tune and a prettier chorus in my solitude. Broadening my vanity and my courageous chase of carnality over virtue. You are not the company you keep, but rather the inability to let go of what doesn’t serve you.

Money is fiat, but the exchange of its value is not. The same goes for every connection we choose. The relation is unavoidable. It can only be escaped, yet you will be captured once again. You must remember you’re imprisoned to earth - a subjective, periodic life sentence with only yourself. Who am I exchanging my energy with? Fatigue should only appear when rest is calling, not in the presence of my closest friends.

Leave. You must, though scary.

The vampires in your life don’t flee just from garlic. They leave when you’ve found the light and prefer it to be permanent.

Subscribe now

I was a late bloomer to love. Overlooked in the eyes of my school’s blonde-haired legends, and pitied by my friends who were on a generational run of lust before graduation. The only time I was ever chosen first was in P.E. class for basketball, dodgeball, or soccer - all sports of rivalry. I was never considered an option for companionship until I was 19.

Though this is still quite young, in the eyes of an observer, my emotional body count is too high. Living vicariously usually has its downfalls: feelings of envy, despair, and loneliness. However, when it comes in the form of your friend’s heartbreaks and soul mates, it is a transformative and beneficial process.

My personal experiences should have caused catastrophic damage, but they have not (yet). Only catastrophic change. I have had encounters with covert narcissists, nonchalant fashion kings, simply unhappy, jealous men. Through closely observing my inner circle’s romantic experiences, I turned my friend’s own stories into Biblical principles towards love. Now I’m 21 and a lot has changed, including my mindset towards companionship. I am not just an observer, but an active participant and being self-aware, accountable and strict has never mattered more.

Subscribe now

Run a Strict Program: You will be Valued more

A strict program is sustained through gracious love and obedience to the lifestyle you promised your future self.

We have been conditioned to be people-pleasers. Our inability to stand our ground and proclaim our values with authority was strategically designed to keep us malleable to the needs of those in our energy for personal gain. We hesitated to speak up and vocalise our needs for the sake of humility that progressively transgressed into misery. Our tendency to minimise our needs created a convincing illusion that our flexibility to others increases our value. As an observer turned participant, that is simply not true.

The reality is that the more ‘bitchier’ you are, the better your treatment in relationships. This model is not fear-based; it’s honour-based. Creating non-negotiables fosters emotional safety and nervous system regulation. Your boundaries are now bridges to better connections. The promises you keep to yourself can be observed by potential suitors. Most individuals who prioritise compatibility over immediate chemistry will gravitate towards you with more intention as they recognise the consequences of fooling around.

Learning from the heartbreak of others taught me to expect disappointment. Healthy love does not expect perfection, but it does recognise the power and wisdom associated with leaving. Each lover your soul intertwines with will have a different idea of value. Unfortunately, some will only appreciate your worth until you’re gone.

Being strict in love is not avoidant (coming from a natural avoidant); it is the enforcement of your values and boundaries to maintain healthy treatment. Love (and/or lust) is pleasurable as a strict individual.

Be strict with yourself first, and watch each suitor be more considerate with your heart.

Results may vary.

Your dating life is an ecosystem

Tribulations are a great sign that you are alive. They are often the universe’s way to reinforce growth, reveal a truth (about yourself or others) and remind you of your capabilities (strengths and limitations). In romance, tribulations are a monumental part of increasing intimacy and reminding you to listen to your friends.

I view my life as an ecosystem in a forest. My fungi is thriving. There are symbiotic relationships (or healthy intersections) in all domains of my life. To maintain strength, new challenges must enter the ecosystem and shift the dynamic a little bit. That’s what having a partner can do. To many people are dating their opposition. Quietly laughing with your ‘babe’ who has fleas ready to plague your life.

Who you let in says more about what you’re willing to tolerate than what your words will ever justify. We experience, traumas, and schemas that have reinforced our worth and expectations. Taking time to isolate and reflect can reinforce greater clarity of what we are looking for to minimise picking wrong or allowing anyone who fancies our style into our intimate environment.

In long term relationships, I’ve seen people wither down their favourite hobbies, quit jobs and tolerate questionable hygiene for the sake of love; denaturing their whole ecosystem for temporary satisfaction. Your partner must compliment your environment not rid you of it. When dating, I don’t immediately rearrange my life for ‘Him’. I find time to fit him into the regularity of my routine and express gratitude for the slow and steady progression of change.

Good things can take time, but amazing things require adaptability to ebbs and flows of each other’s pace. Once again, you’re looking for a team mate. When a new stressor (a romantic prospect) doesn’t integrate well, that’s ok! Your fungi is great at recycling dead matter.

Your Self-Esteem is in your Control

Being picked has very little to do with longevity or the evolutionary desire to reproduce (it seems). Most times, it’s a matter of proximity, boredom, loneliness, and lust. These strings can pull on your self-esteem, as you question why they don’t stay or feel the same. People’s intentions aren’t based on age but on personal agency and autonomy to use their free will to treat themselves and others better.

Self-esteem has very little to do with status, money, and power, but rather the universal need to be appreciated for just being. Today it seems that everyone’s coffee is laced with too much dopamine, oxytocin and hit of manipulation. Your self-esteem represents the subjective evaluation of your value. When we are misaligned with our identity and high worth, toxic individuals can view us as prey. Vulnerability is strength, but it must be earned through a rigorous and extensive process.

Choose independence and develop a yearning for better self-treatment. It’s attractive when a man is scared to play in your face - it’s an odd sign of respect. A high self-esteem takes work. Journal, revisit old patterns of behaviour, rest and say no more often. Being picked isn’t enough; being valued is where the true treasure lies.

Closing Thoughts

The natural observation of love without its personal interference in my life was a blessing. Love is nuanced and requires personal agency to define its significance in your life. Now that I am chosen first and pick others too, personal agency to make wiser decisions makes love and/or lust a more pleasurable choice.

If you’ve bloomed too quickly and want to change, bloom more slowly next time.

Temwani xoxo

With one more purchase of a new midi skirt, I have completed my capsule wardrobe. I can now allow my external perception of my vessel to complement the internal shift that I’ve made. This time, the formula for my rebrand will work, and I will hold it sacred as Mr. Krabs does with the Secret Krabby Patty formula.

I would like to say that I have successfully rebranded. Multiple times, the separation from the former me: my environments, previous lovers, mindsets, and the younger me. But in retrospect, I didn’t get there by spending money on new active wear and staring at my vision board. I got there through accepting that I once was the girl who only entertained the emotional unavailability of skaters and lacked discernment. I am grateful for who I once was, and we shouldn’t allow a rebrand to mask the past- the old us we so far want to separate from. Evolution has a history, and so do we. Accept and honour the choices your soul once made, because at one point, it made sense in your timeline.

Subscribe now

When rebranding becomes an escape

When deciding to change, having a ‘why’, though cliché, matters. If you don’t, you will end up taking a longer route without guidance and refusing to believe that there’s a shortcut. The only time a rebrand has been substantiated and, dare I say, permanent, is when I wrote down a reason beyond my current desires to shift.

What does rebranding as an escape look like:

• Refusal to acknowledge who you once were.

• It fluctuates based on external validation.

• People-pleasing is actively influencing your decisions.

Throw away comparison to grow comfortably.

There are times when we refuse to accept our current reality and use our fantasies to mask sober thoughts when the night arrives. We must learn to balance ‘the ideal’ vs ‘the reality’. With observation over our present lives, no matter how grim our troubles, traumas, and lives may be. By micro-dosing, changing one area, it can minimise the gravity and pain caused by facing everything at once. Micro-dosing your changes cultivates patience, which is crucial for sustainable transformation, which is ultimately what we want.

Evolution is a refreshing of your physical experiences, whereas a rebrand can be seen as a revolution. One offers gradual updates of who you already are, and a rebrand shifts the fundamentals. This is where you reset your core beliefs, values, and mission here on Earth. In the scenario of a rebrand, this includes the legacy you want to leave behind, how you want to be seen, and how you want to live. The external characters of that, whether it be your hair, makeup, or aesthetic, help merge your mentality into reality. But first, we have to decipher whether this is what we really want.

Would the person I’m becoming leave me satisfied when I lay my head down to rest each night? Would I be proud of who I’m becoming if no one else were watching?

That’s the ‘rebrand’ that matters most.

Temwani xx