Tending the Self

how to stop comparing and define the life you actually want to live

Isabella Kitzmann — Sun, 16 Aug 2026 18:02:57 GMT

It is a Sunday morning and I am cataloging my weekend.

How much did I do, and was it enough?
Did I take care of my health but not over optimize?
Did I practice slow living while still pushing my career forward?
Am I moving my life in the direction I want?

I believe many of us have the general question of: “am I enough?” circulating quietly in our brains at varying times. I know clients who do. I know I do. It is an existential question fundamental to being a human, especially one who struggles with comparison and perfectionism. But it is also a question that keeps us stuck in a comparison trap that can create shame, stuckness and avoidance.

You may also find yourself questioning: “How does what I’m doing compare with the people around me? Am I on track with my peers or behind?” “Are other people doing more than me?” “Is my life ‘enough’”

Questions of comparison often come from a part of our brain that genuinely wants to belong and succeed. But if we seek belonging and success purely from comparison we will find ourselves without either.

We can see this in todays culture with people spending so much of their time online. So many people feel compared, but so few feel true belonging or enoughness. Consuming and comparing online gives the illusion that, while we don’t feel enough, somehow, everyone else must be feeling enough. That they must be doing it all, and effortlessly.

This is because the collective (they) is truly doing it all. And we consume it every time we open up social media.

“They” are having babies and buying houses, living in vans and camping on mountainsides, starting companies and getting promoted at work, changing careers, starting side hustles. Living in cities, small towns, nomads or living in remote villages. They are single and they are married, exploring the world, or settling down and building roots. They are traveling to Japan and also doing cute local annual trips to their families beach house. They are making art and banana bread and their own furniture. They are writing and reading every book. They are spending time with their families and their friends and their partners. They are learning to crochet or sew or they spend all of their free time running or reading.

Social media perpetuates “the comparison to everyone” that our brains are already wired to do. And now we have to do it, not just at Thanksgiving when we have to hear about cousin Katie who is on her third kid and be asked for the 4th year in a row, “do you have a boyfriend yet” , but everyday, multiple times a day when we open up social media.

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And even if we don’t compare ourselves to the collective “they” that we see on the internet, we see this in our social groups. Especially in your 20’s and 30’s, because these periods are defined by this juxtaposition of experience. I have friends with babies but also friends clubbing till 3 am.

This diversity of experience also just exists in life (so long as you surround yourself with a variety of people). People who spend the weekend watching movies and tv or reading a book outside, and others who fill their weekend full with social plans and errands and projects around the house.

So it’s not just a social media problem. Life, and all of the beautiful people living it, will inherently be varied and diverse. And if you’re like me, you want to do it all! And time just simply doesn’t allow for this. Thus, leading you to make choices everyday with how you’ll spend your time, where you’ll go on vacation, when you’ll have kids, how much you work etc. And then you must sit with the fact that this is the life you’ve chosen (at least in this moment).

It’s important to remember that the habit of consuming others choices and comparing your life to the collective “they”, doesn’t actually change your choices, and ultimately, it can make it a lot harder to sit with and be happy with the choice you did make, the life that you are living. It can also distract from finding the life you actually want to live.

mindsets to stop comparing

It’s normal to look around and be inspired or motivated by the variety of life experiences. But if this habit of comparison is not analyzed and managed, comparison can quickly become a mindset that keeps us stuck, rather than moving us towards the things we want.

So next time you are finding yourself questioning a life choice or comparing your life to someone online, try engaging with the thought differently.

CBT is a great tool to use with comparison because it actually changes how we engage with the thought.

The first step is to notice the thought. This means noticing when our mind wanders to another’s life, when eyes literally wander to other people to compare looks, life, outfit etc. And instead of telling yourself to “stop comparing”. Just notice it: “there is the comparison”. Notice how the comparison makes you feel about yourself, how you feel in your body etc.

The second step is to rewire thought patterns. Awareness is a great first step but we must rewire thought patterns to actually stop spending our time and energy comparing.

You can do this by asking some of the below questions.

What information do I have to support this thought?
What am I assuming?
Am I comparing reality to fantasy?
What am I comparing
What is the story I’m telling myself
What’s actually true
What do I want to do with this information
Can I return to my life?

Ideally, you’ll find that these questions stop the automatic thoughts and assumptions your brain makes when comparing. From here, you can realistically think about how the comparison is helping or hurting you in the pursuit of your own life.

I think it’s also important to remember that comparison can often be about the difficulty accepting the opportunity cost of choosing. Perfectionists can find that the mindset of comparison is a way to find certainty that you made the best possible choice. And when your brain keeps revisiting the alternative, you aren’t able to fully accept the choice you made.

In these situations, and for perfectionists, practice reminding yourself: “I don't need to know that this was the objectively best choice. I chose it, and now I can experience it.” This is a good moment to practice mindfulness and bringing your awareness to your current experience.

Challenging the opportunity cost mindset helps you break free from the perfectionist cycle of assuming every choice made must be the best choice.

Lastly, challenging the comparison mindset can look like asking yourself :

Is this motivating/inspiring me
Is this helping me succeed
Am I problem solving how to do this in the future or being harsh for not having done it yet.
Do I feel worse about myself afterwards?

how to find what you want your life to look like

After you recognize comparison thought patterns and grapple with opportunity cost, it’s important to reflect on : what do I want my life to look like.

Seeing the breadth of living in the people around me as well as on social media is fascinating to me. Most of it makes me want to say “ I want that!” “that seems so fun or interesting” It’s hard to look at all the available ways we can exist and say “I pick this” and therefore, I do not or can’t pick this”. This is part of the opportunity cost that can be so hard to grapple with.

Note: Even though it’s hard to pick, when we do pick something, we have to fully pick it. Not analyze and compare and think of what if’s had we picked that other option. This doesn’t mean we have to pick some curated personality or lifestyle and stick to it. But that when you decide “you’re going to the beach this year instead of Europe,” you have to lean into that pick, and not imagine what it would be like to be in Italy instead. And remember, our picks don’t have to be forever, all encompassing picks. If you choose to have kids you don’t then have to give up the opportunity to build a career or solo travel.

When everything feels like it is available to us, when we are in control of our destinies, it’s hard to find what we want our life to actually look like. But we ultimately have to ask: “what do I want”— What is the type of life that feels fulfilling to me, not just one I reach for because it was modeled by my parents, or on the internet by an influencer, but because I truly, fully, want it.

We don’t have to decide what our life will look like forever, or even 5 years from now. But we do have to decide what we want it to look like today, tomorrow, this week etc.

And to do this, we can use others for inspiration. We can use influencers and peers as part of the many ways to get connected to what truly feels aligned with us and our path. We can use someones travel plans to plan our dream vacation, if it is truly our dream vacation and if we can afford a vacation this year. But we can also use inspiration around us, and from our past experiences and values to determine what feels like the life we want to live.

Some questions to explore when thinking about what your ideal life looks like:

If no one else could see my life, what would I want it to look like?
What parts of the life I admire do I actually want—and what parts do I just like the idea of?
What experiences consistently make me feel more alive, curious, peaceful, connected, or fulfilled?
When have I felt most like myself?
What do I want my ordinary Tuesday to look like?
If I couldn’t have everything, what would I choose?
What am I afraid I’ll miss out on if I commit to one path?
What would “enough” look like for me?
If I stopped asking “What else could I have?” and started asking “What do I want to do with what I have?”—what would change?

Spending time offline, challenging unhelpful narratives and spending time with yourself helps in developing a blue print for what truly makes your life worth living. And knowing this is so important to feeling fulfilled. And that’s what I want for everyone, to feel fulfilled and connected to their one special and beautiful life.

We can’t do it all. We can’t live every version of a life that looks beautiful to us. And that’s okay.

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I hope this resonates with anyone who struggle with comparison and perfection and gives you some tangible tools to try day-to-day.

I also want to remind everyone that taking a break from social media is a quick and really helpful way to limit thoughts of comparison :)

Currently, Tending the Self is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you’re interested, consider subscribing for free.

If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me. And as always, thank you for reading <3

Disclaimer: Everything shared through Tending the Self is offered for learning, reflection, and general insight. The ideas and perspectives I write about come from my background as a licensed clinical social worker, as well as my own professional experiences, but they are not meant to function as clinical guidance or mental health treatment.

Reading or interacting with this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. My writing is not a substitute for working directly with a qualified mental health professional, and it should not be used as a basis for diagnosing or treating any condition.

If you’re navigating concerns about your emotional or mental well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider who can offer personalized support. Directories such as Psychology Today can help you find someone in your area.

the power of big spaces

Isabella Kitzmann — Mon, 22 Jun 2026 14:38:55 GMT

Two weekends ago I stood on the beach and watched the sky change colors in the way it always does at that time of night, on the water. Staring into the vast and seemingly endless sea, I watched humans humaning as they danced and swam and ate snacks and played with their children. In these moments life feels so big and so small. I am standing on the beach and I am also looking down on the whole world.

Moments like this are hard to describe, other than I know they make me feel closer to God, whoever that may be.

At 8pm last night, as the sun was setting again, I walked past bar after restaurant after group on the street, and came across a small art cafe in Williamsburg, NY. Inside there were people and colored pencils and couples on dates. People tucked away in this small and perfect place, living their lives. And when I walked home past more life being lived— past people sitting on stoops and on park benches, I also felt closer to God— closer to feeling like I am part of this one big life filled with other humans humaning.

It’s then that I’m left with the questions:

What does it mean for life to feel big? Does life feeling big make us feel more alive?

There are many moments where my life feels big. But I know it feels even bigger when I’m standing in the world, feet planted on the ground, but am above myself at the same time, looking down on all the life that has yet to be lived. When the world stretches out all around me, feeling endless with possibilities. When I’m standing on a cliff side or looking out onto a skyline —both giving me a perspective I wouldn’t see from close up.

This year, I’ve been thinking a lot about socializing and community and am grappling with the value it brings to be out in the world more than I currently am.

In all the moments people talk about feeling alive, I have never heard someone say it’s when they are at home, in the confines of their comfortable space.

Because the walls of our comfortable spaces create a sense of safety, a stability needed to regulate our nervous system. But these walls also impede our view of the world. And when we can’t clearly see the world, it’s easy to forget how expansive it is, how necessary it is for feeling alive.

Being in a city the past few weeks has meant being out in the world. Being in community with strangers, the people I love and people I have just met. Whether it was watching the Knicks win or sitting in a park on a Saturday afternoon, being with others has reminded me of how expansive our world is and I think this expansiveness is what captures the feeling of being alive.

So, I’ve been reflecting on how to bring more of this expansiveness into my life. Especially how to feel this not living in a big city, or being at the beach or the top of a mountain.

It’s true that expansiveness can feel reserved for the wealthy. Reserved for those that have time and money to travel to national parks or live in cities where spacial energy feels unlimited. And yes, travel can give you this expansion, allow for so much growth, but many people don’t have the luxury of physically expanding their space, at least not often.

The thing about expansion though is it doesn’t have to be grand. It can be cultivated in your physical space, yes, but more than anything, it is a mental space. It is a way of seeing the world without limits. A way to mentally knock down the walls you have created that limit how far you allow possibilities to wander.

In a recent podcast I listened to, Gretchen Rubin suggests that the way to make the most of your summer is to find a word for summer, to set an intention for it. My word for this summer is unsurprisingly, expand.

I want to lean into my life, hard. I want to make the most of this bigger physical space to make my mental space bigger as well. I want to explore and wander to different places to remind myself of how big my life can be, expand beyond limits I or society have set for me. I want to be humbled by how small I am and energized to make the most of this one life I have.

Share your thoughts! What’s your word for summer? what makes you feel alive? what makes the world feel bigger? How do you expand your mindset?
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Currently, Tending the Self is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you’re interested, consider subscribing for free.
Subscribe now
If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me. And as always, thank you for reading <3
Share
Disclaimer: Everything shared through Tending the Self is offered for learning, reflection, and general insight. The ideas and perspectives I write about come from my background as a licensed clinical social worker, as well as my own professional experiences, but they are not meant to function as clinical guidance or mental health treatment.
Reading or interacting with this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. My writing is not a substitute for working directly with a qualified mental health professional, and it should not be used as a basis for diagnosing or treating any condition.
If you’re navigating concerns about your emotional or mental well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider who can offer personalized support. Directories such as Psychology Today can help you find someone in your area.

making friends when we've lost community

Isabella Kitzmann — Sat, 23 May 2026 13:06:05 GMT

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about community – My own community, my clients community, how we can genuinely find community in a disconnected world. It seems we’re all thinking about community. Podcasters and influencers and researchers are talking about the loneliness epidemic and AI and the impacts of smartphones. It feels like we all know where the problems lie but either don’t know how to or are just choosing not to do anything about it.

On The Liz Moody podcast she quotes that “Research shows it takes roughly 200 hours of shared time and interaction to transition from an acquaintance to a close friend.” It doesn’t feel super accurate that we need the equivalent 100 2 hour hangs to get close with someone but we definitely need more than a few coffee dates to feel connected. In the hours between acquaintance and close friend, lies a ton of friction, another thing Liz talks about. In life, friction is any obstacle or resistance that interferes with momentum. Life comes with friction, life is not smooth and without discomfort or challenge and friction is the thing, ultimately I feel we are all avoiding. In friendship this means that we have to overcome the slight discomfort of spending time with someone we don’t know well yet, the nervousness we feel before going to a social gathering, not cancelling plans even though we’re tired. Friction is the thing that society has conditioned us to believe is a discomfort not worth having, in all aspects of life. We avoid inconvenience or extra time, at any cost, and now we pay the cost of a life without friction.

But the facts are simple- in any case, if we want to get from point A to B we must exist through the space in between A and B. So in this case, we must bear the friction that comes with not feeling comfortable with a friend for the first 200 (or however many) hours.

Liz’s suggestion to meet this 200 hour mark? Do more than a dinner hangout once a month or every few weeks. Go to workout classes together, go to a coffee shop to work together, do parallel hobbies, watch sports together, meal prep. I fall victim to the dinner hangout all the time, scheduling phone calls and coffee catch ups instead of planning and actually doing things with friends. As much as I value quality time with people, you can only really do “catch up hangs” so often. Not making new memories to look back on in the future does impact how a friendship forms even if the time connecting is valuable.

You can only go so deep across a candlelit table while half your attention is on the lighting, the cocktail in front of you, and maintaining the illusion that everything in your life is okay.

And we know this. We know a monthly dinner and drinks at the newest bar isn’t enough to sustain closeness. We know a coffee catch-up squeezed between errands rarely creates the kinds of memories that deepen friendship. I think we’re losing touch with what it feels like to actually linger.

Part of me wants to say maybe this is what happens when you get older. And that this is what grappling with the reality of adulthood means. That we romanticize the days of unencumbered, all day and night fun, that we do have a lot to do and maybe it is too difficult to plan outings that aren’t just coffee.

And yes, any romanticization of something avoids the realities of the conversation. But I remember the days of playing outside, and watching my parents drink wine on the porch and watching the evening slowly turn into night and ordering pizza and our parents playing jack johnson and john mayer through speakers in the basement. I remember Thursday nights where kickball went late in the culdesac and our parents decided to set up a firepit while we played, even though they had work the next day.

I’m not a parent, and so maybe this is still the culture in these circles. Maybe community is just easier when you can gather and latch onto the spontaneity of youth.

Being in your mid 20’s before kids does seem to make it harder. And as the age of getting married and having kids rises, so too does the time of being in this transition. We don’t have clear social boundaries like we did in high school or college, socialization requires more effort and organization but it’s also part of why we are pushing back kids and marriage anyways. We don’t want to be burdened with the responsibility, to be forced out of what is supposed to be the time in our lives where we are exploring the world!! But so many of us are staying inside.

Because yes it’s the phones and doomscrolling. Social media not only keeps people stuck on their phone but gives people an overwhelming sense of CHOICE and expectation. And when people have too many options of what to do they get paralyzed and do nothing at all. When we see other young adults traveling the world, starting their own businesses, partying with friends, getting married etc, yes you may feel inspired but you may also feel inadequate and ashamed and then rather than going out and living the 20’s you so desperately crave, you don’t.

So it’s the choice and overwhelm and it’s also the fact that the phones are so frictionless. They are so easy, easy dopamine, yes, but also easier than going outside and facing the unknown realities of the world. On top of this, the phones are keeping us in parasocial relationships that trick our brains into thinking we’re connecting when we aren’t.

As a sober person, I also wonder what it has meant that so many young people have stopped drinking. I love the wellness industry but I also believe it has fed into the hyperindividualized, optimized thinking that tells us 9 hours of sleep is better than staying up late during the week to watch a movie with a friend. People are craving more sober spaces, more activities that don’t revolve around drinking, which I love. But I think as we are transitioning out of social lives surrounding alcohol, there’s lost opportunities for connection.

Something I have found since I stopped drinking is less of a tolerance for surface level friendships. When substances don’t mask incompatibilities, and instead of hanging out at a bar you’re on someone’s couch, the relationship becomes a lot more intimate. In many ways this is great, in other ways, it’s intimidating. Especially to try and build with new people.

Building a new friendship from only a desire for connection is a lot harder than building it because someone is convenient or helps your social status or just really likes to have fun.

I wonder if in our quest for community and friendships, we have almost set the bar too high… we want close meaningful relationships, or we don’t want anything. Or in other words, we say we want this level of relationship but we’re scared of or too lazy to put in the work required to have it. And so we want to go to coffee with the girl from bumble that we said “we really want to get to know!!” until it involves sacrifice, friction and discomfort.

And so whether we reach for our phones or go on a run or pick up a new hobby… we keep picking the activities that don’t get us any closer to community.

Lastly, to anyone who says life is expensive for young people! And I need to take the extra shifts at work, and I can’t afford to go out to the movies: I hear you! I spent $20 to see Obsession last week. But a reminder that this is how capitalism steals community. Because yes the cost of living has gone up, and salaries aren’t high enough but we have also been convinced to pay for things we used to get for free from the people around us. We have privatized and outsourced community.

We are paying a premium to have eggs delivered on doordash instead of knocking on the neighbors door. We’re paying a babysitter instead of dropping the kids off at a friend’s. We’re paying a therapist for emotional space once offered by friends. We’re calling Ubers instead of asking for rides . We’re hiring a TaskRabbit instead of relying on each other.

And then we wonder why people have relationships with AI, why they choose to tell Claude about their day instead of calling their mom. It’s because we have outsourced our community so much that it feels normal to seek things out from a computer or an app rather than an actual person.

We are quickly moving down a path I don’t think anyone truly wants. We can’t cross our fingers and cite research and blame social media and AI and assume that if we just get off instagram maybe we’ll feel better. We already know what isolation is doing to us. We know the statistics. We know the consequences. And yet we continue cancelling plans, avoiding strangers, and retreating further into convenience.

I think we all recognize the path we’re going down. I see people yearning for a time where people were connected, and I also see them making the effort to connect.

So this is my attempt to remind us : We must collectively choose to build community. We must risk making new connections and strengthen the ones we have. We must ask our neighbors for eggs.

Share your thoughts!

Currently, Tending the Self is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you’re interested, consider subscribing for free.

If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me. And as always, thank you for reading <3

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Disclaimer: Everything shared through Tending the Self is offered for learning, reflection, and general insight. The ideas and perspectives I write about come from my background as a licensed clinical social worker, as well as my own professional experiences, but they are not meant to function as clinical guidance or mental health treatment.
Reading or interacting with this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. My writing is not a substitute for working directly with a qualified mental health professional, and it should not be used as a basis for diagnosing or treating any condition.
If you’re navigating concerns about your emotional or mental well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider who can offer personalized support. Directories such as Psychology Today can help you find someone in your area.

why does no one have a sense of self?

Isabella Kitzmann — Mon, 27 Apr 2026 16:07:23 GMT

a pinterest vision board: an example of an attempt to curate a sense of self and purpose

a sense of self is defined by : the conscious awareness and perception of one’s own unique characteristics, beliefs, values, and role in the world. It allows individuals to distinguish themselves from others, fostering authenticity, autonomy, and emotional resilience. A strong sense of self involves knowing your, likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses.

I have talked to clients who know these things about themselves - their beliefs, dislikes, strengths etc. , but are still left asking the question: Who am I?

Who am I without others watching? Who am I meant to be? What is my purpose?

This is not a new question – and I’m sure one that people have been asking since the beginning of time. However, there feels to be a growing pressure amongst young people to know who they are right now, who they’re becoming and who they’ll be in 20 years. Understandably, this pressure leaves people overwhelmed, stuck and anxious.

As we break out of traditional and confining molds of what life is “supposed to look like” and move further away from shared structures that once defined meaning, identity, and purpose, we are faced with an immense amount of choice. What used to be a question of “what is the path for my life” is now “what is my path in life”.

Our careers, relationships, beliefs, lifestyles, and values are no longer always shaped by religion, family expectations, culture, or even what we studied in school. We are increasingly expected to define these things for ourselves. In theory, these choices are liberating, but in practice they can feel much more daunting and can create anxiety around whether we are making the “right” decisions or becoming the “right” person.

This phenomenon is not limited to young people but young people tend to be faced with more questions like: “ ‘where should I move?’ ‘should I break up with my partner’ ‘should I live abroad’ do I have a bigger calling?’” Social media furthers this pressure, with a constant exposure to people solo traveling, quitting their day jobs to pursue their passions, sharing expectations of relationships etc. We are encouraged to curate ourselves, define ourselves quickly, and present a coherent identity to the world – even while we are still becoming.

Giving space to these questions is fundamental to our growth. Without challenging stagnant or inherited beliefs we don’t get to grapple with a sense of self. But we don’t need to know all the answers right now. For many young people, thought hadn’t been given to these questions until that point, creating a sense of urgency to make up for lost time. But not knowing the answers to these questions doesn’t mean you don’t have a sense of self, it means you’re still defining it, something you will continue to do for the rest of your life.

Our sense of self is made of constantly shifting layers of identity. There is no finite “sense of self” we arrive at.

You can see this play out in many scenarios: We are defined by a relationship, a role or job and then when the job is quit, the breakup occurs, the role shifts, we are left feeling lost. Left to face the big question again: Who am I, now?

Life continues to pose the question with each new chapter of life, and then continues to reveal to us a new version of who we are. When we ask who am I? at 22 after a breakup with our first partner, the answer will be different then who am I? at 45 when our child graduates high school. Or who am I? at 68 when we retire. or Who am I? at 52 when we go through a messy divorce.

To grapple with the bigger question of Who am I? we must first get comfortable with ambiguity. We can only answer the answer in this moment and this question may never be clear, while also always in flux. Despite this, we can stay grounded with what we do know to be true: our values, our intuition. These are things we can spend time developing but no amount of introspection and mindfulness allows us to arrive at a fully defined sense of self. We must also live, explore, make mistakes, and stop trying to force a sense of self to truly feel connected to who we are.

The question of Who am I? and the coinciding sense of self is not something permanent that we uncover once and hold onto forever, but something that shifts and evolves alongside us throughout our lives. As we grow, parts of us inevitably change too.

Perhaps a meaningful life is not built through “finding ourselves,” but through continually returning to ourselves – listening inward, reevaluating, growing, and reconnecting – across each season of becoming.

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Some journal prompts to continue exploring:

What am I drawn to? what types of music, spaces, energy, foods, knowledge do I gravitate towards?
If (person, expectation etc) wasn’t present, what choice would I make?
What are my values?
What in life is important to me?
What are my ideas as to why we exist/ how we are here and where we go when we die?

Note: If you’ve experienced trauma, especially childhood trauma and neglect, lacking a sense of self is a common consequence. It can also be a coping mechanism, detaching from your emotions and sense of self may have protected you in dangerous settings. Other times, it may have been easier to define yourself based off of others to fit in socially. For whatever reason you may find yourself uncertain of who you are, I hope this post helps. And if you’ve experienced trauma of any sort or experiences that may have led you to detach from who you were, a mental health professional is always a helpful resource to help sort through these experiences with.

Share your thoughts!
Currently, Tending the Self is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you’re interested, consider subscribing for free.
Subscribe now
If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me. And as always, thank you for reading <3
Share
Disclaimer: Everything shared through Tending the Self is offered for learning, reflection, and general insight. The ideas and perspectives I write about come from my background as a licensed clinical social worker, as well as my own professional experiences, but they are not meant to function as clinical guidance or mental health treatment.
Reading or interacting with this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. My writing is not a substitute for working directly with a qualified mental health professional, and it should not be used as a basis for diagnosing or treating any condition.
If you’re navigating concerns about your emotional or mental well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider who can offer personalized support. Directories such as Psychology Today can help you find someone in your area.

protective parts that keep us small

Isabella Kitzmann — Tue, 07 Apr 2026 19:02:04 GMT

Happy Spring friends! Today I am sharing something I’ve been thinking about a lot and something that has been coming up in the therapy room: how good intentioned parts of us that want to protect us actually end up hurting us. and preventing us from doing the things that allow us to grow and thrive.

The idea of protective parts comes from IFS (internal family systems). For those unfamiliar, IFS was founded by Richard Schwartz in the early to mid-1980s. It arose from the idea that parts of us operate similar to a family system, with each family member playing a distinctive role.

I lean on IFS and parts work often. The human experience and the inner world we each have is complex and I feel IFS and parts work honors this complexity. I have also found parts work to be really accessible to clients, especially because the idea of “Parts” is a pretty common part of our language. For example:

A part of us wants to do this, but another part is scared to do that same thing.

I’m drawn to this person but I know I should stay away.

A part of me wants to wear this but the other part feels insecure.

IFS describes multiple parts- managers, exiles, firefighters and the core self.

Managers try to keep us in control and prevent emotional pain before it happens. They often show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or overthinking. Managers aim is to avoid situations that might trigger deeper wounds

Exiles are wounded and protective parts that carry the emotional pain from past experiences, often from childhood. Exiles hold feelings like sadness, shame, fear, or loneliness and tend to be pushed out of awareness because their emotions feel overwhelming. Exiles long to be seen, heard, and cared for

Firefighters are protective, reactive parts. Firefighters jump in when exiles are activated, trying to quickly shut down emotional pain. They tend to act impulsively to distract or numb and focus on immediate relief rather than long-term consequences. These parts can show up as overeating, substance use, avoidance, or emotional shutdown.

Lastly, IFS focuses on the Self. The Self is the energy beneath all of your parts —your grounded, compassionate core. The Self is made up of the 8 C’s : Naturally calm, curious, confident, connected, creative, compassionate, confident, courages and having clarity.

We all have access to the Self and we all have parts. We don’t want to eliminate parts, but instead have more access to their behaviors and thoughts. We also want more access to the Self. Because the self has all of the traits that keep us aligned with who we are.

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Our Firefighters, or protector/protective parts are a part I bring up most often to clients. Firefighters, as described above, protect us when exiles are activated – and our exiles get activated frequently, often without us even realizing it.

The firefighters are well intentioned, they want to protect us! But the ways in they do so can be destructive. Not only can they lead us to overeat, use substances or emotionally shut down, they can cause us to avoid things all together.

We all have had the experience of wanting to do something but something getting in the way. Often we label this part of ourselves as “lazy” or “insecure” but this avoidance part is usually a firefighter – protecting us by avoiding the thing we fear, whether that be failing, being rejected, facing hard truths, etc.

What I have found is that the core emotional experience an exile is carrying – the one that firefighters are typically protecting us from – is some type of fear.

These protective parts think that by keeping us from doing what we want to do – the thing that comes with risks – that they can prevent us from experiencing pain, or having exiled parts get reactivated.

Protective parts are like well meaning parents, who go wayyy to far to keep their child safe. Imagine a parent, who cares so much about their child, that wants to keep them safe at all costs. They don’t want them to experience loss, fear, anxiety so to do this, they decide to keep their child at home. In doing so, with completely good intentions, they deny their child the experience of the world.

Overly protective parents make us really small, even if well intentioned. They try to keep us contained and safe in our comfort zone, thinking that this will keep us from having to experience all the big scary things out there. But in reality, by keeping us small- staying at the job we dislike, staying in the relationship that isn’t matching our needs, avoiding the social outing – we end up still feeling discomfort, anxiety and loss.

Are you able to identify the overly protective parent part? The part that is keeping you from re experiencing the emotional wounds of your past or your worst fears by keeping you small? What do you gain from letting this part run the show? and what do you lose?

Safety is important, especially when you’ve experienced traumatizing or damaging core wounds. It’s normal and helpful to protect ourselves from scenarios that could hurt us (See: the skeptical part of you that no longer trusts easily). Protection is not the enemy, but how can we create safety while still being able to take risks? How can we create an environment for ourselves where we are safely pushed out of our comfort zone rather than staying small our of fear. How do we converse with our inner firefighters to let them know we are safe, safe enough to take risks?

As humans, we have to tell the protective parents that want to keep us safe to loosen their grip slightly. That life is full of loss and hurt and broken hearts, bruised egos, embarrassment, rejection. But these are crucial parts to the human experience. They are how we grapple with ourselves, our role in the world and our purpose. To feel the joy of falling in love, the peace of a career that aligns with your goals, the excitement of landing the big role, the joys of making art we have to open ourselves up to it all.

We can still hold caution and protection, but too, we can hold and cultivate a voice that tells us “ you can do it!” “you don’t have to be defined by the past" “we’ve got you, even if you fail” “ just take one step out of your comfort zone, you’ll be okay” “you are good enough”

So, as spring begins and we think about coming out of the hibernation of winter, I’d love for us all to consider the parts that want to stay hidden away in the safe cocoon of winter. The parts that need a little push to get outside and bask in the light from which will allow them to grow.

As always, thank you for reading.

Bella

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wanting for more

Isabella Kitzmann — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 20:54:29 GMT

At a mere 27 years of age, it has occurred to me how silly it is to want insights gained across decades. How absurd it is to reach for more grand revelations when I have already learned lessons and have many more to learn. We can’t force our way to enlightenment, only give attention and time to the current moment.

This thought comes after attempting to force more depth onto myself, when life is going really, quite smoothly. I’m happy and content, comfortable and fulfilled but my brain tells me there should be more– more ah ah’s and growth, more to strive for in the future. It feels like there’s something wrong in just being, not growing.

But more ah ah’s and revelations aren’t forced, quite the opposite really. We grow with life, learn from experience. We can’t just read self help books and philosophy and suddenly have some new grand depth that is only accessible by doing so.

Yes, journal prompts and therapy and giving space to yourself and self reflection are profound. And self development and growth are important. And philosophy is amazing and self help books can be helpful. But so too is sitting in the space you have created for yourself and just being. Not forcing more, not creating chaos when there is none, but just taking in the work you’ve done and have yet to do.

So often you hear stories of people who accomplish a huge task, something they have been working towards for years, only to move on from it the next day in pursuit of the next “big” thing. We spend so much time wishing to be someone and somewhere else– to be older, more successful, have a family– and eventually we get there, only for us to continue wanting, asking and searching for more.

To want so much from life is a beautiful thing. But to take in the abundance of what life has already given us, what we have worked so hard to create, is even more beautiful. When we live constantly seeking out more, we miss out on the here. And the here, in all of its messiness, beauty and stillness, is where the magic truly lies.

So what is the more we truly want? And do we need more navel gazing to experience this? Do we want more in the future or do we want more from this present moment? Are there ways we can create depth in our experience- not from another article but from doing the things we know fills us with joy?

Ask yourself:

Instead of seeking out more from the future, or from moments that are not yet mine, in wisdom I have not yet acquired, could I instead, just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the more in my body?
Could I notice the more, the depth of my experience in the small moments? the hug with a friend I have had for a decade, the back scratch from my partner, the joy from eating a home-cooked meal, the morning air that’s damp with spring.
Is the more I want actually all around me? Do I just have to open my eyes to see it?

I don’t know all of life’s lessons and I never will. But the ones I do know are not that complicated. I know that the small moments, the trees and the sun, and the people we love create a lot of meaning. I know that the present moment is the most important. I know that my “more” is in appreciating the lessons and life we have learned and lived and finding peace with all the lessons and life yet to come.

with gratitude and love,

Isabella

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the power of narrative therapy

Isabella Kitzmann — Mon, 16 Feb 2026 16:22:40 GMT

Hi friends! It’s been awhile and I’m happy to be back writing to you about a therapy theme and style I’ve been exploring the past few months with clients and beginning to explore within myself.

I love bringing things from the therapy room here to you, especially prompts and exercises that can help you tap into whatever theme we’re exploring. Today, we’ll be talking about narrative therapy! An exercise to help you better understand how narratives shape your experience will be included at the end of the post.

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film photo by Julia Kitzmann at Boston Museum of Fine Arts

As a therapist, my role is to both identify/process things with clients – whether it’s trauma, unhelpful thought patterns, emotional patterns, or current stressors – as well as help clients cope, change, and move forward feeling more empowered. Every therapist has their own go-to interventions for varying situations, and recently, I’ve been drawn to using narrative therapy as a tool to help clients both process and identify and move forward feeling more empowered.

Narrative therapy is a specific modality founded in 1980 by Michael White and David Epston. At its core, the therapeutic technique helps people separate their identity from their problems. To do so, it explores the narratives clients have created and then works to both deconstruct and reconstruct them, leaving the client with a more empowering story and belief about themselves.

I, like many therapists, lean heavily on Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)– a therapy approach that examines the link between our cognition and behavior, or put more simply, how our thoughts influence our actions. Narrative therapy pairs well with CBT in that it helps to deconstruct rigid beliefs.

When using CBT, I, and most CBT therapists will provide education to clients about cognitive distortions to help clients identify the automatic and unhelpful thoughts we all have. Then, they would help clients explore the accuracy of these thoughts and identify more helpful or neutral thoughts they could have.

CBT is a popular therapy modality for a reason, it helps many break free from unhelpful cognitive structures that people often think are rigid, but are not. It helps change both people’s behaviors and thoughts, often leaving them feeling happier, more motivated and less constrained by negative thought patterns. Narrative therapy does something similar. By identifying the unhelpful narratives we hold, we can identify if they are accurate or helpful and then choose more empowering stories we want to have.

Observing and naming our thoughts

There’s a common misconception that our thoughts are set in stone. And yes, many of our thoughts are automatic and conditioned, making them feel out of our control. But we can change how we engage with these automatic and conditioned thoughts. And over time, how we engage with a thought can change how our brain interprets that thought– reducing its power, reshaping how our brain labels it, and possibly minimizing how often that thought arises to begin with.

The place to start, as with most things, is to observe and name what these stories are. Many of the stories we hold about ourselves have been formed in childhood, many also told as a way to protect ourselves. There are also many stories that we don’t even realize are stories but take as just facts of who we are. It will take time to observe and name these narratives. I’d suggest keeping a physical list or notes app list where you can write them down as you notice them in your day to day life. Although we want to work on the unhelpful narratives keeping us stuck, I’d also encourage you to write down the positive beliefs and stories too.

A therapy exercise for you: deconstructing unhelpful narratives

What are the narratives and stories that define your life? What are the beliefs that quietly get reaffirmed any time something happens that fits into that box? List out some of the primary beliefs you hold about yourself and your life. Is it that “I am unlucky” or “People dislike me” or “ I am unmotivated” ? From your list of unhelpful narratives, begin slowly engaging with each one with questions like:

Is this story true?
Is this story serving me?
Do I want to carry this story with me forever?
What could an alternative, more neutral story be?

A fun challenge can be to see if the thought/narrative actually prevents the behavior– if you physically are unable to do something just because your story says otherwise. I often remind clients that an action can come before a thought. We typically don’t have to want to or believe we are capable of doing something to physically be able to do it.

What small action could you take to contradict a belief you have?

I can’t write a book– Write the first sentence.
I’m bad at making friends– Text one person to grab coffee.
I’m not disciplined– Set a 5-minute timer and start.
I can’t run a mile– Run to the end of your block while on a walk.
I’m not creative– Pick up your pencil and draw one thing.

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As people, we are defined by our choices – what we do and how we do it, how we act within our environment, and to some extent, how we appear to the outside world. We are then defined by our internal character – our dreams, what we think, how we engage with those thoughts, and how we perceive ourselves.

We have a lot of autonomy with how we define ourselves. Although it can feel much easier to arrange ourselves how we want through our choices more so than our thoughts, our thoughts too can be rearranged to our advantage. Although we may never be able to change automatic and unconscious thoughts, we can change how we engage with the thought – that’s our choice.

I often tell clients that if I want them to take one thing away from therapy it is that their beliefs, behaviors and thought patterns are not set in stone. We can change the stories we tell ourselves, although it takes time and attention. We can rewrite a story about ourselves that will help us become who we want to be, rather than hold us back and keep us stuck in a version of us that no longer serves us.

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Disclaimer: Everything shared through Tending the Self is offered for learning, reflection, and general insight. The ideas and perspectives I write about come from my background as a licensed clinical social worker, as well as my own professional experiences, but they are not meant to function as clinical guidance, mental health treatment, or medical advice.
Reading or interacting with this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. My writing is not a substitute for working directly with a qualified mental health professional, and it should not be used as a basis for diagnosing or treating any condition.
If you’re navigating concerns about your emotional or mental well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider who can offer personalized support. Directories such as Psychology Today can help you find someone in your area.

chance, choice, and maps

Isabella Kitzmann — Sun, 30 Nov 2025 20:46:03 GMT

Some of life is based solely on chance. The family we were born into, the city we were raised in, the systems we exist in based on gender, race, ethnicity or sexuality.

There’s also a large part of life based on choice. What career we choose, the partners we date, friends we have, lifestyle choices we make.

Most of the time choice and chance blend together, with many events leaving us unable to determine if luck, fate, chance or choice were what led us there.

But to some degree, where we end up depends on the choices we make, conscious or not. That’s why our choices are so powerful, they shape our future and our future eventually becomes our reality. We rarely wake up in a situation, instead, situations are built on thousands of decisions, choices and external forces.

This is why it often helps to be conscious of our choices and how they can affect our paths.

Thinking about the future: therapeutic work

In a recent session with a client we explored what power he holds in shaping his future. He is a young adult, stuck in a decision of where to move in his career and feeling overwhelmed by thinking about the future. I find it is helpful with clients, especially visual learners, to use metaphors. Metaphors have a special way of connecting concepts for clients by making them accessible and more applicable in their day-to-day lives.

For this client, someone who hasn’t had time to plan his future due to just trying to survive day-to-day, I thought it would be helpful to explain why thinking about the future can be useful. To do so I talked to him about maps.

Mapping our future

The future is uncharted territory, and if we want to explore it and get to where we’re going, we must create some type of map, and if not a map, we at least need a compass. A map of our future gives us direction, something we all know is crucial. It takes effort to create a map— intention, time, planning and reflection are required to decide where we want to go and different ways of getting there. But, as with most things, short term discomfort can lessen long term discomfort — meaning the time and effort we put into the present is what creates satisfaction and success in the future.

It’s easy to hope that chance, fate or luck will bring us success in the future. We can try and avoid discomfort in the present, but rarely do we experience the benefits that conscious choice and effort bring.

Wandering

Maps and direction are important for laying a foundation and giving yourself an idea of what may be required to get to where you want to go. But wandering is where so much of life’s beauty is found. The beauty of a map is that it can give us the confidence needed to allow us to wander; you can lose your way while still knowing you have a general guide of how to get back to where you want to be.

With too strict of a path towards our destination, we can miss beautiful sites and experiences along the way. With no map, we could miss these too. We plan, in part, knowing that things will go in whatever way they are meant to. So, make a map and allow yourself to go off course.

We go on the trip because we decided travel was important and booked the tickets. We meet a loving partner because we decided having a partner who was kind and loving was important to us. We write because we decided to open our laptops and make time for it. We do most things because a past version of us started thinking about it and pushed us forward. Whether you physically create a map or just use this as a guiding metaphor to think of how you want to create momentum for a future version of yourself, I hope you find this post helpful and inspiring. Below is an exercise you can engage in if you want guidance and reflection on future goals. It can be especially helpful if you are feeling a little lost, directionless or need motivation to reach a certain goal.

Homework: Creating your own map

Get a big piece of blank paper
Get some markers, pens etc if you would like to get creative
You can make a general map of your whole life (which may be a bit overwhelming for first time map makers) or make a smaller map with a certain age or milestone at the end.
Draw current you at the bottom of the page and draw future you at the top of the page
Draw milestones between current you and future you (you can just write the milestone with a circle around it if not wanting to be too artistic) Examples may include: getting a job, finding a partner, retiring etc.)
Draw a little arrow next to the milestone and list out certain things that are necessary to do to get there. Examples: open up a retirement account, save $50 each week, create an account on Indeed, introduce yourself to someone new at a coffee shop)
Reflect on what you’ve drawn! And use it for inspiration later down the road.

As always, thank you for reading and being here. Wishing you all a wonderful rest of your Sunday <3

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how to feel more alive

Isabella Kitzmann — Fri, 08 Aug 2025 19:02:42 GMT

It was a Monday evening, driving home from the grocery store, again. No music played, an intentional choice so I could be present with my thoughts.

My thoughts were mundane, my energy neutral. I was content, but I wasn’t really in my body.

These feelings were familiar, this quietness brought me peace, but something about it felt off— like maybe I was missing a spark I used to have more of.

Stillness, peace and calmness are gifts; I am grateful for a mind that doesn’t race as it used to, doesn’t spiral or catastrophize, or fill my mind with anxious thoughts. I’ve worked hard for this stillness that exists within my mind. I want peace. But I also want sparks. I want life to feel a little more alive than it sometimes does. I want to figure out how to bring that back.

Sparks can exist without needing to be the baseline. They can exist in small moments between the quietness. But we must be open to accepting them. We must engage in our bodies and our lives to feel fully alive. And feeling fully alive is something we all deserve.

As time moves forward and we accumulate more responsibilities, as the work piles up and we are forced to give more and more to things around us, we may accept a state that is not fully alive. We may blame it on age, our schedules, on hardship and the challenges of life, and yes, these things can make it harder to find these moments, but if we allow our energy to only flow out and not in, we set ourselves up for losing a deep connection to ourselves. Not a connection based on work, or productivity or care giving but a connection based solely on ourselves and our joy.

We must first believe we are capable of accessing a feeling of aliveness, and then we must intentionally do things to connect with ourselves, things that bring us joy. If we don’t, we may forget that a deep connection to ourselves, feeling alive and in our bodies, even exists or is accessible to us at all.

How to Feel More Fully Alive

Feeling alive is about coming home to what’s already here. It’s joy, indulgence, softness, ease, fullness. It’s standing barefoot in your kitchen, taking a deep breath and feeling what it’s like to truly be home. It’s sitting in your parked car for an extra minute, hand resting on the steering wheel, breathing in air that doesn’t demand anything of you. It’s remembering that you are a body, a heartbeat, a presence—not just a brain endlessly thinking. Below are things you can do to bring a sense of aliveness, a spark, into your everyday.

Seek micro-adventures.
Adventures don’t have to be big or loud, they can be quiet, small and accessible. Adventure can mean pulling over to watch the sunset instead of driving by it on the way home. Adventure can be taking off your shoes and standing in the grass in your backyard, just because it’s there. Life’s bigness is in its smallness. How can you seek out small joys?
Let your body lead you.
Take the long way home because your legs feel restless. Go for a run not because you “should,” but because you suddenly feel like sprinting. Let your body wander and explore. In a new neighborhood, a thrift store, a recipe, a thought. Let your body exist and move without needing a purpose.
Listen to an old playlist that brought you joy.
Play music. Not to distract you but to bring you back to a place and version of yourself you once were. Listen to music to feel something bigger than you, to feel happy or sad, moved or in love.
Spend time with people who make you feel like yourself.
Make plans with the people you can fully relax around. Do something fun and silly. Go bowling or something you usually wouldn’t. And ask the deeper questions rather than just catching up.
Read or watch something that moves you.
Read books and watch movies that make you cry. Seek out texts that make you ache with longing even if it’s not yours. Consume the hard things, the human things, that make you remember what it feels like to be alive. Below is what moved me today. Along with finishing Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson. Would highly suggest both.
Things That Don't Suck
Come Back to Me As Lightning
The morning I woke up without Andrea in this world, I wrote my first line of poetry in ages…
Read more
a year ago · 3195 likes · 473 comments · Andrea Gibson and megan falley
Do what your inner child would want.
Design the room. Paint your bedroom. Roller skate. Buy the glittery notebook. Embrace the childhood version of you that still lives inside. Take care of them and remind them you can have fun too.
Fill your cup with what you need.
Write out what fills your cup— is it dancing, making art, writing, playing an instrument, reading mystery novels? Whatever it is, do more of it. Carve out time (even 10 minutes) like you would for any other priority. This reminds your body you deserve joy.
Make things beautiful.
We can create moments of aliveness by making things beautiful. Arrange fruit in a bowl on your kitchen counter. Decorate a shelf in your bedroom. The joy is in the doing and creation.
Look at things like it’s the first time.
The moon, the sun, the plants growing in your front yard. Sit and zoom out and remember what it felt like to experience things as novel not as expected.
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How to Ground Back to Yourself

If you’re feeling stuck in implementing the above, you may not be comfortable yet being fully in your body. Before you can feel fully alive, you have to remember what it feels like to actually be here. To anchor into your own skin, to notice your own energy, to meet yourself in the quiet. Once you’re rooted, space can be made for aliveness to arrive. When you’re grounded in yourself, music moves you more deeply, moments stretch longer. It’s from this place that we can reach for the things that spark us awake again. It’s in the place that I’m beginning, and where you can too.

Feel your feet.
Stand still and press your weight into the floor. Notice the pressure, the temperature, the texture beneath you.
Breathe.
Inhale through your nose, slow enough to feel your ribcage expand. Exhale like you’re letting go of what feels heavy. Repeat.
Name five things you can see.
Let your eyes land on objects without judgment. Pause there. Remind yourself you are alive and in this space.
Drink something slowly.
Water, tea, coffee—hold the cup and be with the experience of it. Breathe deeply, notice the temperature. Let the drinking be what you’re doing.
Close your eyes and listen.
Count the layers of sound around you—from the closest hum to the farthest noise you can detect.
Release your jaw.
Drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth, soften your face, unclench your shoulders. Notice the weight that lifts.
Reconnect with your own voice.
Hum a tune, speak aloud what you’re feeling, or read something slowly to yourself.
Write one line.
Not a journal entry, not a to-do list—just one sentence about this exact moment.
Place your hand on your heart.
Feel its rhythm. Remember it’s been keeping time for you your whole life, even in moments you forgot to notice.

Grounding back to yourself and feeling more fully alive takes effort. It requires us to not be on autopilot. To seek out novelty rather than routine. But effort can start small. It can simply be a pause. We may not feel the sparks right away, but over time, we can connect to a sense of ese in our bodies and minds that may not have been there previously.

So, start with a breath, deep enough to feel your ribs expand. For just a moment, don’t reach forward or backward—just be here. Put on your favorite song that you haven’t played in months, maybe even years. Dance, sing, and feel what it’s like to slowly start coming back to yourself. Because maybe that’s what aliveness really is—not chasing the spark, but noticing when it quietly arrives within you.

Share your thoughts! What helps you reconnect with yourself? Do you ever forget what pure joy feels like? What makes you feel alive?

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Currently, Tending the Self is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you're interested, consider subscribing. Otherwise,

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If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me. And as always, thank you for reading <3

unlearning the loop

Isabella Kitzmann — Wed, 11 Jun 2025 15:43:40 GMT

how peaceful I want all of our minds to feel

Have you ever taken time to notice what thoughts go through your mind on loop throughout the day? What negative thoughts or phrases are said, or innocent passing thoughts that float around? What does the space in your mind look like? Is it positive, negative, cruel, content, confident, jealous, depressed or insecure? If you were truly to examine your thoughts, all of them, what would they look like? Would they be different from how you see yourself or how you move about your day?

In therapy, I work with clients to openly accept the current state of their mind and thoughts, but rather than accepting this as an absolute and unchangeable aspect of themselves, we focus on the power and control they hold to change it. We focus on how to observe these thoughts and emotions without judgment– to view this chatter as a mental event, not a truth. By noticing and naming what it is, “there’s my critical voice coming up”, they can then choose how they want to engage. The goal is not to suppress the thought, but to create distance so that they’re less likely to believe what it is telling them.

Just like my clients, my mind is full of both helpful and unhelpful thoughts, and although I have gotten more comfortable naming what these thoughts are, I still find it hard to quiet them. Therapy is a great place to learn, and to practice implementing strategies with the guidance of a professional, but as I have found, it takes commitment and work to see big changes. We can know all the right things to do, and still not do them, one of the things I myself struggle with. So, just like my clients, I am working towards noticing, naming, and quieting my own unhelpful thoughts. By doing so, I’m slowly trying to take control and power back to create an environment in my mind that makes me feel valued, loved and accepted, and that will never be perfect.

Step 1) Naming it

To share how I am working through this process, I want to focus on my own thoughts surrounding perfectionism and comparison. These are not my only unhelpful thoughts, because we all have many, but they are thoughts that are sometimes hard for me not to engage in. By naming these thoughts, even the ones that are not as loud, we are not placing more importance or truth to the phrases, but simply recognizing what thoughts we want to replace with healthier ones.

Some of what my thoughts around perfectionism and comparison can sound like, and what yours may sound like too:

“You won’t be able to do that perfectly or well enough, so you shouldn’t even try.”
“It will feel uncomfortable to be bad at something. I don’t like to be uncomfortable.”
“This person is smarter, prettier, more successful, _____ than you.”
“You should be farther along than you are.”
“You used to be ____ before.”
“I am not enough.”
“I wish I was more ____.”
“I should look and be the best I can be, and if I’m not, I am doing something wrong.”
“If I make a mistake, people will think less of me.”
“If only I had chosen this option, things could have been better.”

Once I’ve named these thoughts, I take time to really sit with the fact that they exist. I ask myself: Where might these thoughts be coming from? How am I currently engaging with them? How long have I felt this way? How often do these thoughts come up? how are they stopping me from doing things I want to be doing? This part is uncomfortable but you may find that the thoughts have been there longer than you can remember. If so, it likely means your mind has gotten really comfortable with the thought and therefore is not actively fighting to get rid of the thought.

Step 2) Noticing it without Judgment

Once we’ve taken time to name these thoughts, either through journaling or mental reflection, the next step is to learn how to engage with the thoughts in the moment. It is in the moment, that we can choose to engage with them differently, overtime leading to a change in our mental loop patterns. We want to notice these thoughts, name them, and then rather than immediately reacting, fighting, believing, or letting the thought run the show, we should pause and simply just observe the thought.

For me, this can look like catching the thought in the moment and saying, “There’s my perfectionism again,” or “Ah, my mind is trying to protect me by comparing me to others.” Even just that small pause makes a difference. It reminds me: I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not facts, and I don’t have to believe or obey everything they tell me.

Some days, this feels easier than others. Some thoughts are loud, familiar, and feel so “true” that it’s hard to create any distance at all. But the more I practice observing them with curiosity instead of criticism, the more I can choose how to respond. I can notice the thought, take a breath, and remind myself that it’s just one voice in a much bigger conversation happening inside my mind.

Step 3) Choosing a New Response

After I name the thought, and take a moment to observe it without judgment, the next step is choosing what I want to do with it. Do I want to engage with it, challenge it, or let it pass?

I may ask myself: Is this thought helpful? Is it kind? Is it aligned with who I want to be? If the answer is no, I remind myself that I have the power to respond differently.

That doesn’t mean I’m instantly replacing it with a positive affirmation or forcing myself to feel great. Instead, I try to speak to myself with the same tone I’d use with someone I care about. I might say:

“This doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.”
“It’s okay to be where I am right now.”
“Someone else’s success doesn’t diminish mine.”
“This is hard and I can do hard things.”

Sometimes, I don’t say anything back at all—I just notice the thought, let it be there, and gently redirect my attention to what matters most in that moment: being present, doing something that aligns with my values, or just breathing through it.

Over time, how we react to the thoughts changes how the thoughts impact our belief system. With practice, work and patience, a beautiful, imperfect, mind can emerge — a place that encourages and accepts you, rather than holds you back. Wishing all of us the ability for the unkind voice to become less believable, and to have a quieter, kinder, and more grounded one emerge.

Share your thoughts! What helps you quiet unhelpful thoughts? Do your thoughts have a theme? Do you also struggle with comparison and perfectionism?

Leave a comment

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maintaining energy, focus, and motivation

Isabella Kitzmann — Thu, 08 May 2025 19:58:36 GMT

mexico views

This January, on a week-long vacation in Bacalar, Mexico, I went off of my ADHD medication for the first time since starting it three years prior. The decision was somewhat spontaneous, a hopeful attempt to see how my brain would perform solely relying on other habits and routines.

After being diagnosed in graduate school, I maintained a regimented medication routine— feeling as though it was most responsible to take them as prescribed — once a day, every day, with breakfast in the morning. I rarely missed a day, knowing that I would feel lower energy due to the come down, as well as the fact that I now believed I needed the medication to compensate for the deficit in my brain. Although not addicted, my brain and body were clearly reliant on this medication.

As many adults diagnosed with ADHD later in life, I had found ways to function prior to being prescribed medication. Although easily distractible, a bit absent minded and forgetful, and somewhat impulsive, I had gone through school with good grades, managed my time well, and had built routines I stayed consistent with. Yes, medication had dramatically shifted my ability to focus while in school, but I began wondering if the medication was the only thing that propelled me into who I am today. Was my work ethic and ability to uphold responsibilities and routines only able to be achieved due to a medication I took every day? Or could it have been achieved by a myriad of things, including learning about my brain and body's needs, some of which may look different from other people?

Since January, I have discovered that my ability to do the things I want to do has been about a lot more than medication. I can be focused, productive, engaged, balanced and all the things I was before and after taking medication, without taking it. I very much understand this is not the case for everyone. Medication for ADHD can be a lifeline for many people, a miracle that helps people who are underwater, feeling as though there is no way of getting to the surface. I have seen it with clients who worked diligently through therapy with little changes but suddenly had breakthroughs and habit changes once medication was started. Medication can also be a miracle drug for certain individuals struggling with depression or anxiety— while others don’t need the medication to be treated effectively. Similarly, ADHD can be successfully managed both with and without medication. The severity of each condition varies, meaning treatment should be individualized not standardized. I’m sharing my experience today not to discourage usage of a scientifically proven drug, but to add insight into what is also an overly prescribed drug. In doing so, I hope to provide insight into alternative approaches that may benefit you in the way medication may (or may not).

Below I share the alternative approaches to medication that have worked for me. These are things anyone can use, ADHD diagnosis or not, to increase productivity, focus and energy. We live in an easily distractible world, and it takes effort to maintain the routines and lives we want, I hope these tips can help you as much as they have helped me (and if you have your own routines for managing your focus and productivity, feel free to share them in the comments below :)).

Leaning into music

It is well known that music can boost our mood and productivity levels as well as increase dopamine production. So, it’s no surprise that this has been one of the primary tools I’ve used to manage ADHD without medication. Music can help with varying tasks- from sitting down and writing emails to cleaning or shifting into our evening routine. The key that I’ve found is to learn what type of music works for each scenario. As I’m sure others do, I need very different music to get writing done compared to cleaning my apartment. Making and finding the right playlists for every and all scenarios really makes a difference to how I can focus. For focus, my favorite is house focus on spotify (which is having a hard time linking like the ones below!)

Creating environmental cues

Accomplishing things with just the discipline of our minds can be difficult- having any and all assistance to decrease barriers to getting tasks done is very important to eliminate the resistance that naturally can arise. By creating environments that are curated to help us do what we want to, our brains can slip into habits rather than being forced to make choices. When candles are lit, I can relax; when tea is made, I can focus; when a podcast is on, I can clean. I have found that the more distractions I can eliminate in my environment the better for getting productive work done. This can be hard while working from home, so working from a new environment is nice when available. If needing to work in the same location, moving seats, going on short walks, having a snack that helps you refocus, or changing the lighting can be helpful.

Using a higher self to create discipline

Because it can be hard to get our minds to do what we want to do without assistance, employing the assistance of a higher or alternate self can be very helpful. Imagining that another version of yourself is coming into your body to do the tasks you need to do can create the needed shift in behavior. Imagine how this version would behave, prioritize and work to accomplish your goals and follow their lead. How would this version of yourself speak to the other self who is having resistance? What types of things can they say to gently encourage or support you in doing what needs to be done? Getting comfortable with this relationship between different parts of yourself is very influential in accomplishing tasks.

Keeping to-do lists easily visible

I have a white board on the fridge where I keep my weekly tasks and top things I want to accomplish. It’s easily visible and doesn’t get lost in my phone or on paper. I also have a to do app in my phone set as a widget where I can see and add to it regularly, including random future to do’s (this is through the app “Things”). Additionally, I set aside time at the beginning of the week to schedule my week on my google calendar. Seeing this regularly helps with sticking with it, even if not perfectly.

Making most things I want to do easily visible

Out of sight can easily be out of mind so if there are things I need or want to do, making them visible is the first thing I want to do. If I want to journal or read more, it’s much easier to do so when these things are placed in my environment and are easily able to be picked up. Same goes for items in your house you want to get more use out of. Taking stock of my clothes, houseware items etc. has also been very beneficial helping me eliminate impulsive shopping.

Being mindful of my screen time and social media usage

An ADHD brain is distracted easily, but any and all brains are distracted by social media and our phones. At this point, we are aware of the dramatic impact screen time can have on our productivity and attention, so making efforts to reduce this time is incredibly impactful. More importantly than the amount of time is when this time is used— I find the habit of picking up the phone when we are bored, struggling to stay focused or distracting from emotions is when it is most harmful. Therefore, becoming more mindful of the instinct to pick it up and refocusing to a better task can work towards eliminating this habit. Things to replace the habit can include simply closing our eyes and taking a deep breath, standing up and stretching, going for a quick walk or getting water.

Other helpful things that may work for you!

Get biggest things done first thing in the morning when motivation is highest
Break tasks into small steps and write the steps out
Use the Pomodoro Technique – 25 minutes of focused work, 5-minute break
Create consistent routines that reduce decision fatigue
Practice mindfulness or meditation
Utilize timers and alarms and task management apps – tools like Google Calendar, Todoist, Trello, Things or Notion
Block your calendar
Get daily movement and consistent exercise - especially cardio; improves executive function and mood regulation but anything your mind and body like
Eating a balanced diet – food is fuel and helps to keep you focused. Eating high protein meals can also avoid blood sugar spikes
Maintain good sleep hygiene – ADHD brains need consistent, quality sleep to function optimally
Get connected with a therapist or coach specializing in ADHD

Share your thoughts! What ways do you stay consistent and focused whether you have ADHD or not?

Leave a comment

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a guide to spring

Isabella Kitzmann — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 18:51:35 GMT

Letting go of winter has proven slightly difficult for me this year. Although the season was harsh, it also felt quick and the idea of releasing all the coziness and winter activities I may or may not have been able to do feels sad. But on Saturday, to celebrate and welcome spring, I visited my local gardening store with friends. Set out on planting a garden in our backyard, we filled our carts with seeds, soil, pots and planters and headed home to begin the planting process. Despite my little knowledge of gardening, my dreams of growing (a little) of my own food were coming true. As I mixed the fresh soil with water, dug my hands in the dirt, and sat in the sun, time felt idyllic and romantic– I was connected with the people around me, the earth, and more so, the season.

Sitting in the sun on Saturday reminded me of the beauty that lies in honoring time, letting go of what has passed and fully embracing what is in the moment. It reminded that we cannot outrun or outlive time, that seasons come and go, and that it’s much better to fully accept what is than to ignore and hide from the life that is ever evolving around us.

Above is my friend’s Haft Sin (Seven S’s), a table set to commemorate Nowruz, the Persian New Year, which was celebrated last Thursday, March 20th. Nowruz aligns with the spring equinox or first day of spring and the table is set with a variety of objects to represent something positive for the new year. Sprouts (sabzi) for rebirth and growth, sweet pudding (samanu) for strength, dried fruit (senjed) for love, garlic (seer) for health, apples (sib) for beauty, sumac for the sunrise and new beginnings, and vinegar (serkeh) for patience. Eggs are added for fertility, fish for life, a mirror for reflection, and hyacinth (sombol) for growth. The Haft Sin is one of many traditions to celebrate Nowruz, a holiday I find captures the essence of spring so beautifully.

Holidays, rituals, and traditions provide such a wonderful space for honoring time, reflecting, and setting intentions, but not all of us have these engrained in our culture or day-to-day lives. For many, acknowledging the beginning of spring (or any other season) with anything more than a comment to a coworker may feel unfamiliar.

Although holidays are not “self-check ins”, and don’t necessarily require reflection or intention setting, Nowruz and the spring equinox at least provide a structured space to acknowledge the passing of a season— something that I find crucial for staying in tune with ourselves and the world around us. I've talked before about how impactful it can be to set aside moments of self-reflection throughout the year. Having these moments can provide us with a comforting sense of direction and purpose. They allow us to become more active in our life, not by setting goals with the intention of achieving them, but simply by giving us space to reflect on what we have done thus far and the general direction we want to move in.

By inviting multiple rituals of reflection and connection into our lives, we are allotted space to grow throughout the year, regardless of celebrating or not celebrating a specific holiday at that moment. The celebration and reflection can be small— for me, my celebration was gardening with friends, and reflecting with journaling prompts where I answered what spring means to me, what I’m letting go of with winter and what new hobbies, foods and activities I want to focus on this season. Rituals and traditions may look different for everyone, but I urge us all to find unique ways to acknowledge spring this season. Through reflection, we may find a deeper sense of presence in the world around us, along with an appreciation for change and the growth that comes with.

Ways to embrace and celebrate spring:

Buying flowers and arranging them in your home
Journaling about what spring means to you
Eating seasonally
Getting outside
Watching the sunrise in the morning and set in the evenings
Embracing growth and birth in areas of your life such as starting a new hobby, growing a plant or setting a goal
Cleaning and decluttering your home. Donating clothes if needed or packing them away for another chance of styling next season.
Opening windows, clearing out dormant energy
Bringing in fun colors to your wardrobe and space
Socializing with friends outside— on walks and picnics, at outdoor restaurants or playing tennis
Having picnics and eating outside whenever possible
Meditating in nature
Doing a homemade pedicure
Writing your intentions for spring on a piece of paper
Still drinking lots of tea, burning lots of candles, using lots of blankets, and reading lots of good books, especially in the evening
Wearing sunscreen (any season!)

Share your thoughts! What ways do you celebrate and embrace spring (or any other season)?

Leave a comment

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gaining control through active rest

Isabella Kitzmann — Thu, 27 Feb 2025 21:09:35 GMT

With kitchen lights dimmed and hot water running, I stood by the sink examining my pruning fingertips. It was Thursday evening, nearing both 8pm and the weekend. After finishing dinner, I had surprised myself by continuing to wash my plate after rinsing it, rather than placing it in the dishwasher. I surprised myself further when, despite my exhaustion, I began meticulously working through the pile of dishes which had accumulated in the sink– pumping soap onto the brush, scrubbing, rinsing and repeating. The room was quiet and still – aside from the rushing water I continued to let run – and as I washed each dish, I felt like I too was being washed, the day slowly dissolving away, almost like taking a shower. I was mindful and present and with each dish I washed, a calmness continued to settle in, despite the act being a chore.

Earlier this week, after months of procrastination, I took my car to the self-service car wash. Prepared with my quarters, I proceeded to douse my car in soap, scrub the tires and body and rinse it all off with both precision and force as I carefully avoided getting sprayed by the wind. With my remaining quarters, I vacuumed the seats one by one and then drove home. Accomplished, calm and energized, I thought about the similarities of cleaning both my car and dishes, something I could have had assistance with, but which felt so much rewarding to do on my own. Yes, both required an effort I didn’t have to exert, but by choosing to exert it, I felt satisfaction and a sense of calm, especially because these things gave me a sense of control.

It made me think— How often do we feel that by exerting effort we are no longer resting? How often do we avoid things that take attention or effort because we don’t believe we have the energy to do it? How often do we choose to do nothing rather than actively participate in something that leads to later satisfaction and happiness?

I know I can feel or act in these ways at times, especially in the evenings— believing that if I need rest, I shouldn’t engage in something that takes work. But as much as I believe in rest, I also believe in active rest. Not all the time, and not in a way that feels forced or guilted, but more time than I believe many of us are engaging with. Active rest allows us to recharge without complete disengagement, it provides a sense of control, and I think in many ways can provide us more restoration than non-active rest.

Rest can be watching a movie, while active rest could be doing a craft; rest can be sitting on the couch, active rest being going on a walk; rest can be ordering take out, active rest could be making a low energy comfort meal. Active rest exerts a lower amount of energy than an activity but more than simply resting. Our bodies need different forms and degrees of both rest and active rest in varying moments, so it is imperative we learn to listen to the type of rest we need.

But as much as I believe in rest, I also believe in active rest.

Generally, I believe that active rest can give us more lasting satisfaction, energy and sense of calm compared to non-active rest (especially if non active rest includes binge watching shows and doom scrolling online). But, again, rest is whatever your body needs. There will always be times when my body simply needs sleep, and active rest will be neither enjoyable nor helpful. But there are other times where I need to mentally unwind or reconnect with myself and doing a hobby, going on a walk or cleaning may actually allow me to connect and unwind far better than watching tv or sleeping would. Just because something requires us to engage our minds or bodies does not mean it can’t still be rest.

Finally, by doing something in our control, we have the power to calm our bodies when everything around us feels out of control. I have spoken to a few therapy clients these past few weeks who have leaned into chores or cleaning as a way to have autonomy over their life when so many decisions are being made that they don’t have a say in. If you are in this position, which I’m sure many of us are, I hope this post allows you to think of ways you may be active in your life to assert some sense of control.

An important caveat: Many of us truly are exhausted, and the extra labor of doing dishes or washing our own car is not in the cards. We should absolutely utilize convenience when we need to, whether it’s going through the car wash and using our dishwasher or getting grocery orders and outsourcing cleaning. I am privileged to be able to have time and energy to do these things, but I also believe that in a world of convenience, our views on labor may have room for adjustment.
At the same time, these are laborious activities, ones that are jobs for many people, whether it’s burnt-out mothers and parents carrying the household burden or dishwashers making minimum wage and working long hours simply because they have to. I understand that to this group or others, engaging in these labors as a form of active rest, likely does not sound therapeutic or restful at all.
And finally, if you are in a place where you feel you are already pushing yourself to a point of exhaustion or past exhaustion, engaging in hobbies or additional activities may be out of the question. If so what type of rest feels good to you? It could be a walk, but it may also be pulling up your favorite show and going to bed early. All rest is good rest, so please listen to and find what your body needs.

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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sustaining love

Isabella Kitzmann — Tue, 11 Feb 2025 18:23:41 GMT

Snow is accumulating on the rooftops, chocolates line the aisles of the grocery stores and valentine’s day is quickly approaching. Admittedly, I almost always look forward to valentines day— the decorated shoeboxes in elementary school, a special order of pink bagels, or watching well-dressed couples at dimly lit dinners— the day holds an air of romance I’ve always loved.

The past few years have brought additional excitement, for as the 14th nears, I know I’ll be spending the day with my partner, someone I always want to share romance with. We are young and in love and also probably naive. But, this is the love I know and treasure dearly and a love that has taught me an incredible amount, even in a shorter span of time. My post today is by no means a definitive or fool proof list of advice, nor is it a promise of what will sustain love for years to come, but it is a peak into what I do and plan to continue doing to sustain the love I have now. Love, romantic love more specifically, takes a special amount of care to thrive. So, I want to talk about how we can exist and thrive in our romantic relationships, and do so more intentionally and sustainably.

a very cute pinterest find <3

Throughout our lives, many of us will spend a significant portion seeking, falling, thinking about and being in love. We dream of love, we watch movies about other people falling in love, we fall in and out of love ourselves, but I feel there continues to be a lack of discussion around what keeps us in love. Yes, there are numerous books, advice columns, research articles, movies and songs about love, all of which can give us incredible insight into the feelings and inner workings of a relationship, but still I believe there are a large number of us who feel opposed to seeking out or practicing this knowledge about love. In some ways, I understand overlooking the boring advice and the ease of dismissing it as unnecessary, especially when “the work” it suggests doesn’t feel sexy or romantic. We don’t want our romantic relationships to feel like they’re adding to our already demanding lives but so rarely, if ever, can relationships just happen like they do in fairytales. We are active participants in relationships, meaning we can’t just let a relationship happen to us, but instead we must have a relationship.

Unfortunately, as a culture, I believe we are instead highly reactive – we wait until something gets bad, if not very bad to take action. Whether this stems from procrastination, overwhelm, an inability to fully grasp a future we haven’t experienced yet, or a blind hope that whatever it is won’t happen to us– it is far too common to be hit unexpectedly with the loss of something we took for granted. It’s why the phrase “I didn’t know what I had till it was gone” is such a cliche— we can become so passive to what’s going on, not active until it requires us to be reactive and it’s too late.

For this reason, I truly believe being preventive and proactive with as many things as we can be is the most influential act of self care. In the same way it’s never as effective to start taking care of our health after the heart attack, our mental health after it becomes debilitating, or our friendships after we’ve fallen out of touch, it’s never as effective to start taking care of our marriage or relationship after the fault line has already been made. Instead, we must be ready for the possible break, recognizing that without proper care the things we value the most in our life can be lost. Then, with that recognition, we must take active steps to take care of our relationship (and our health, friendships, etc.) in the first place.

Just as many people (wrongly) accept their declining health as a normal part of aging, many accept their declining happiness and satisfaction with their marriage. Aging is inevitable, and I would assume too, a boredom and lull in aspects of your relationship. But an understanding of things changing as time moves forward is different from a detached acceptance of a negative reality without any action to prevent it. Yes, being preventive and proactive may be the best mindset to have, but when things start declining, we can’t just check out and accept it as an inevitable process of the whole thing. We can still make changes after the heart attack happens. We can still change our diet and exercise, in the same way when we have a big event happen in our romantic relationship we can still protest and make changes, we can still find ways to come together after distance has been created. We don’t have to accept living in a low energy marriage or relationship until it inevitably ends only because we didn’t allow ourselves to be either active or reactive.

So how do we as a collective take care of and become more active in our romantic relationships??

We show our partners we love them, we tell them we love them and we acknowledge how they love us. It can be so easy to become accustomed to the love our partners show us and stop acknowledging their small gestures, either verbally or even to ourselves. It can become easy to forget to tell and show our love, and not just assume our partners already know— we need to do it anyways. Whether we show them in their love language or in ours, we must continue expressing that love, day in and day out.
We develop habits of love. Habits sustain us, why wouldn’t we also want to sustain our relationships? Whether it’s the habit of writing small notes, sending a single heart text when we’re thinking of them, getting comfortable with being open and honest, or being in the habit of saying I love you, habits keep the relationship strong without us having to feel like it’s taking work.
At the same time, we accept work as part of the process and don’t assume a relationship is easy and check out. In the same way we can live our own life checked out and not taking care of ourselves, moving through time not fully engaged or excited about things, we can do the same with our relationships. We can survive without thriving— the work and active participation in the relationship is what keeps us and the relationship feeling alive. Work isn’t always difficult, it is often just a consistent effort, like brushing our teeth or moving our bodies and eating well. These things require effort and consistency and although the work may at times feel difficult, we are rewarded in the end.
We don’t take our partners for granted. No matter how many years you have been with someone, they can always walk out. No matter the certificates or licenses, amount of kids you have, or things you own, you never own a person, nor should you, therefore they are never guaranteed to be yours. In many ways, nothing is ever guaranteed, certain, or yours. The fact you have these things is a blessing, so we should treat them as such.
We prioritize being part of a team, knowing that we impact our partner in the same way they impact us. We tackle things and conflict as a team, not as opposing players.
We prioritize romance and sex. Romance and sex are part of what makes our partner feel like more than just a teammate, family or friend, no matter how important those things are. For most people I would argue that sex deepens the relationship, it is a connection about so much more than orgasm and therefore needs to be prioritized as a healthy way of connecting physically, spiritually and emotionally.
We give space for reflection and discussion. We get comfortable with talking about our relationship openly and honestly and discussing it as a living thing outside of ourselves as much as it is something made up of both parties. We get comfortable talking about sex, past experiences, things we want to focus on and the overall satisfaction in the relationship .
We assume the best in our partners. This can be hard when we have been hurt before, (or there feels like there’s a constant stream of information making men out to be terrible lol) but instead of assuming the worst, we assume the best, not blindly or without reason but with love and trust.
We create energy and momentum in the relationship with a future list. A shared notes app that collects things like restaurants, date night ideas, places you want to go etc.

There’s many more I know could be added but these are the top ones on my list at the moment. I’m curious what things you would add to the list! Please share below any of your own habits or values that you feel strengthen your relationship and allow it to feel active.

An active relationship requires us to be intentional, as most good things do. If there’s one thing you take away today, I hope it is that you have the power to be intentional in all aspects of your life. Intention brings focus and clarity to your own goals, and brings strength and connectedness to all relationships in your life, romantic and otherwise.

Happy (almost) Valentines day, happy February and happy Tuesday friends <3

Lastly, a museum pic of my own museum date <3

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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getting through winter: a guide

Isabella Kitzmann — Wed, 29 Jan 2025 15:20:52 GMT

winter sunsets <3

Last night, as the sun began to set, I quickly put on a pair of shorts and sweatshirt and went for a run, trying to optimize the last minutes of daylight. It’s still cold here in Virginia but temperatures have begun to rise in the last week. Running outside almost felt like coming up for air, something I feel we’re all collectively doing after experiencing a spell of colder than average weather the past few weeks. It seems the colder temperatures and snow will inevitably come back (I’m secretly hoping they do if only for a little), but in the meantime, as January closes in and the end of winter approaches, I wanted to talk about ways we can lean into this season and its accompanying weather.

The weather, seasons, and life exist independently of us— time passes, seasons cycle and every year we are presented with the same circumstances we cannot change. So whether we like winter or not, learning to lean into this season (along with the reality of many aspects of life happening independently of us) allows us a freedom to exist more naturally.

how do we lean in?

Focusing on the self

Winter is a season, which means it is also a season of your life. What you focus on and prioritize during this time can help you to flourish and thrive during the next season. Any season allows us to focus on our self, and in many ways I believe the self should always be a priority, but winter tends to provide us additional space for self reflection. Winter is inherently slower, minus the whirl of the holidays, and whether it’s due to traveling less, or spending less time outside and with others, we may find ourselves sitting with ourselves at home more than usual. It can be easy to avoid focusing on ourselves during this time, distracting ourselves until the sun starts setting later and we feel more energized to make plans again, but imagine how much growth could happen if we leaned into this season of the self.

Think of all the things you are too busy for during the summer months. Understandably, when the sun is out at 8 pm you’ll want to be in the water, hiking or having a later dinner with friends. But when it sets at 4:30, 5, or 5:30, what do you want to be doing? What can you do? Yes, there may be a shorter list of things or activities with people, but what are the things you can do with yourself. What does it look like to take the time to truly absorb all that happened in the months prior. What reflections can you expand upon, what aspects of yourself can you expand when you have the extra space to do so?

I wonder too about winter preparing us— physically, mentally and spiritually— for the spring, summer and fall. What parts of our being need to be nourished to thrive during these seasons? What does your self need from you now to be it’s fullest self later? Ask yourself what you need to recharge— whether it’s rest, socialization, a new hobby, travel, reading more etc. what will continue to fill your cup in the next few months?

Intentional hibernation

We are always allowed to rest, but certain seasons may offer us more opportunities to do so—winter being the most obvious example. Animals hibernate in the winter, so as animals ourselves, we humans also need this time to slow down and recharge. Although we know what hibernation looks like and the value it holds, it may still be hard for some of us to accept lower energy levels, cravings to be inside and lack of social plans (especially in a fast paced society where we’re expected to churn out the same content with matching energy levels day in and day out). And when we do accept rest, how can we make sure it is healthy and restorative? I believe we do so with intention. Intentional rest or hibernation allows us to lean into the things that recharge us— we mindfully can select activities that are restorative and rejuvenating to our energy. Unintentional rest on the other hand looks like not selecting anything to do with our time, not selecting a nap or a movie but mindlessly letting it happen. In these cases we rarely gain energy from the rest and instead may feel guilty or that time was wasted.

It is not about how we are resting that matters. Whether it’s sleeping more or baking, the key is the intention. Intention is active, and allows for us to be active as well. If we are intentionally resting, intentionally leaning into the habits and activities that restore us than hibernation can be restorative. But if we are habitually hibernating without intention, spending time alone scrolling on our phones or isolating from the things we love, then it may be helpful to bring in more mindful awareness of how we want to be spending our time.

Embracing the season

There’s a term I learned while traveling in Denmark and Sweden a few winters ago– hygge: a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture). I fell in love with this term but more so how often I saw it around me. The coffee shops were hygge, the bars and libraries were hygge, making dinner with my friend with music playing and candles burning was hygge. Hygge feels like a way to romanticize things, and most definitely a way to romanticize winter. Winter is full of things we don’t have at other times- cozy drinks, warm fires, blankets, sweaters, the holidays, how can we embrace and romanticize these things?

Most everything can be broken down into a pro and cons list. If you struggle with accepting winter, I invite you to make one. The idea of making a pro and con list may seem trivial but our brains process things in surprising ways. I say this with the knowledge your con list for winter may be longer than the pro. Lean into the pro’s side even if you find yourself getting stuck.

Modifications to our routines or wardrobes can assist us in leaning in. For many people, the modification may be simply investing in and wearing those bigger, heavier coats. Maybe finding a pair of gloves, hat, scarf etc that you really love and making the practice of getting dressed something to look forward to.

Embracing the season may look like leaning into lunchtime walks where you can make the most of the sun, rather than longer evening walks. Embracing and leaning in may look like going to the bookstore and staying up reading or watching a movie that’s been on your list. You could make winter the time to finally try all those new recipes you’ve been saving.

Unless you live in a location where the climate stays consistent all year, the weather will inevitably continue to cycle, whether you enjoy it or not. Because of this, we must at least lean into what is. We can embrace and accept something without having to love it. Leaning in rather than resisting something makes our life much easier, it gives room for joy and contentment and beauty, something I wish for us all to have more of.

Finally, it may be beneficial to begin thinking of winter months before winter. Give thought to how you want the season to look, what you want to be doing and the feeling you want to embody. Think about preparing for the hibernation physically and mentally. Get the art supplies, find the hobby and materials before it gets cold, get into the routine before you lose motivation, and prioritize yourself all year so that you are excited for the additional time come winter.

Things to try

Getting outside even when it’s cold- shorter walks are still good for us
Seasonal routines: adjusting sleep patterns, meal times and exercise routines based on seasonal changes
Eating seasonally
Embracing indoor activities like creative projects, painting, redecorating, cooking, baking etc.
Reorganizing your home
Getting creative with your wardrobe
Regular, scheduled social time
Socializing with friends inside rather than out and about. Leaning into lower energy social time such as movie nights or baking together
Sunlight visualization and meditation
Investing in quality fabrics and clothes for winter
Drinking lots of tea, burning lots of candles, using lots of blankets, and reading lots of good books
Taking a vitamin D supplement
Planning snow related activities like iceskating, skiing, sledding, snow boarding etc. (if you are able)
Waking up earlier and going to bed earlier

Questions to think about

How can you plan in advance for the warmer seasons during winter? Can you spend the random Saturday evening in February that’s much more chill than a Saturday in April may be shopping for the dress you know you’ll need to wear to a spring wedding?
What can you lean into during the winter, what aspects of the season can you embrace and even learn to love?
What kind of activities do you like to do in the winter and how can you do more of them while also thinking of them as winter activities you want to cherish?
What parts of your being need to be nourished to thrive during this season?
How can you embrace and romanticize winter?
What does your self need from you now to be it’s fullest self later?

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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welcome to Tending the Self

Isabella Kitzmann — Sat, 18 Jan 2025 22:13:17 GMT

January 5th, Mexico

A belated happy 2025 friends! If you haven’t yet noticed by the title, you are now receiving an email from the title Tending the Self, not Bella’s corner. Although the name and image are different, everything about this newsletter will be roughly the same, I just wanted a little refresh and rebranding.

When I initially started writing Bella’s Corner in the fall of 2023 I wasn’t sure of where my writing would take me. I had originally imagined it would be a hodgepodge of all different aspects of myself, from interior design to health and wellness, from mental health to music recommendations. The name Bella’s Corner felt like it reflected that spectrum, it was a place for me to create and share my musings on life with mostly friends. But as I spent more time here on Substack, inspired by so many creators on the app, each with different niches and voices, I began honing in on topics I felt most excited writing about. This primarily led me to focus on ways we can get more in tune with ourselves and better our overall mental well-being.

In January of 2024, When I officially began working as a therapist, I felt even more inspired to write about well-being and mental health topics, but with increasingly less time to do so. A year later, I am still inspired to write and still don’t always feel I have the time to do so. But with so many more insights after a year of working with therapy clients as well as growing as an individual both personally and professionally, I continue to be committed to showing up here and providing you with advice and lessons I believe can be helpful to all of us. So, going into this year, I want to practice what I continuously preach— making time for things you enjoy, pushing through perfectionism, doing things that are uncomfortable for the sake of growth, and working on bettering a hobby.

But before I fully transition into Tending the Self and all that this new page will hold, I want to keep some of that original Bella’s Corner energy and publish a slightly delayed 2024 roundup of some of my favorite things. Enjoy :)

What I watched…

If you haven’t already, please download letterboxed! The app truly changed the game for the quality of movies I watch (in addition to my boyfriend). For new movies, I loved Wicked and The Complete Unknown. Both nostalgic for me but I cannot recommend The Complete Unknown enough, whether you are familiar with Bob Dylan’s music or not. I rewatched the Before Sunrise trilogy, which I’ll always recommend. And finally I loved La Haine, Thelma and Louise and Sound of Metal. And if you are still going on your phone while watching movies in 2025, respectfully, please don’t!

Listened to…

Jazz house continues to be my favorite genre. Link: My favorite playlist I made this year. A music related activity I have not started yet but plan to is to begin using music as part of, if not my main, meditative practice. Sadly, I still do not have any solid meditation practice, so when I heard the idea of mindfully and fully listening to very organic and meditative music AS the meditation I was very intrigued.

An ongoing practice for me is simply bringing more music into my life. A few years ago I intentionally got out of the habit of listening to music as often in an effort to create more room for stillness and connection with myself. But in doing so, I also lost some of the power music brings in heightening the connection with ourselves. Whether it’s bringing energy, focus, or melancholy, music, when listened to intentionally can really strengthen that connection to self.

I’m also recommending gifting playlists to friends. I admit, I have not yet done this for anyone but I had both my partner and a close friend gift me a playlist this year and it was such a sweet and special gift I’ll always remember.

Read…

I have been pretty consistent with reading the past few years, but this year has further solidified the importance of making reading a habit. By removing social media in 2024, I created more room for other forms of entertainment and read more books than usual. I am hoping I am on an upwards trend for this! Some of my favorite books this year were: A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles, Circe by Madeline Miller, and Wellness by Matt Harris.

I also found some worthy hacks: I will only read nonfiction if I have a pen or pencil with me to underline and take notes. The act of merely holding the writing utensil keeps my focus so much more effectively than having nothing. I continue to have multiple books circulating at once, having multiple choices keeps me from getting bored or running into the barrier of not wanting to read because a) I don’t want to read fiction right now, I don’t want to read non-ficiton right now, or I’m not feeling energized about the topic at the moment. Reading will always be my favorite way to unwind and learn I urge everyone to find ways to get more books into your life!

notice the pen in a brief history of everything?

Cooked…

Many years ago my mother gifted me a crockpot and last year I finally hit the age where I not only use it, but love it, rave about it and recommend it to others. My partner and I made an array of meals using it but our favorite was birria tacos! Recipe linked.

Last year I got more comfortable cooking without a recipe and enjoying the creative practice of doing so. I still however like a to keep track of meal ideas for when I’m not inspired or need a refresh of what ingredients work well together. I continue to recommend Notion for organizing life things like gift ideas, budgeting and meal ideas.

2024 was also a year of protein, especially since I began eating meat again. However, my favorite protein powder continues to be this vegan one I get on Amazon and my favorite yogurt is the vegan kite hill vanilla greek yogurt. I do really feel that eating more protein, both plant and animal based, has increased my focus and energy.

Created…

I continue writing imperfect and short poems when I get a lot of built up creative energy and don’t know what I want to do. I created a slightly new aesthetic in my home, specifically with new art created by not me but my dad. I added to my ongoing collection of collages that end up getting wrinkly but are nonetheless so enjoyable to make. And I continue trying to create more room for creation.

And all the things in between…

Banana grams remains the ultimate game- it’s engaging, competitive, and so easy to bring with you on trips, pull out on a random Saturday afternoon etc.

I truly feel that quitting instagram/social media allowed me to grow more than I otherwise would have in 2024.

I have finally gotten to the age where I listen to the news in the morning and I love it. My go to has been NPR daily because it’s 15 minutes, I rarely get any resistance in listening.

Continuing to have no alcohol and caffeine, although definitely not for everyone, really does allow me to be so much more connected to myself and my natural energy states.

I finally got earmuffs and they make my walks much better.

There is truly nothing better than a new notebook. My friend recommended these.

I am evolving and growing and I remain open to all of the things I’ll continue to learn and do in this next year <3

And that concludes my 2024 roundup! Thank you for reading and hopefully staying tuned for all the things Tending the Self has in store for 2025! I am so excited to continue sharing in this space and as always, so grateful for all of you following along!!

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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checking in with ourselves

Isabella Kitzmann — Thu, 12 Dec 2024 17:18:01 GMT

Welcome to Bella’s Corner, I’m so happy you’re here. If you’ve been forwarded this email, I invite you to subscribe to receive more emails like this one. If you are a regular reader and enjoy this post, I invite you to like, comment, and share, it really does mean so much.

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trying to maintain my tennis skills

The other day while organizing a set of drawers in my apartment I stumbled across a half dozen or so sheets of printer paper. Each page was filled with colorful doodles and bolded letters, the month written across the top, under which were themes and goals, what I was bringing into the month and what I was removing. It brought me back to a time when I did this frequently, a monthly check in. The practice began in grad school when I juggled multiple jobs, responsibilities and goals, a balancing act which historically provides me with increased motivation, at least for a period of time. So, despite being busy, I enjoyed sitting down with myself to write out new goals each month. But however helpful or enjoyable it was, the number of pages found are a testament to the longevity of the practice.

Reading through the pages reminded me to start this practice again but knowing my previous inconsistency I have been pushed to think of what barriers might exist to staying consistent now, years later. I noticed the goals and themes written under each month stayed more or less the same month after month– many of them things I would still write today, things like baking more, reading more, less screen time, basically doing more of the things I already was. What I wrote was repetitive and I can imagine my past self eventually deciding that because of this, it was an unnecessary task, that I didn’t need to write what I already knew to do. But the repetitiveness was the reinforcement, a crucial part of keeping up with habits and goals, it was the monthly reminder that I was doing a good job but still sought improvement. The practice was a form of maintenance– it gave me the needed momentum and self-reflection amidst a chaotic schedule. In other words, it wasn’t a waste of time, and it probably would’ve lessened the frequency of getting off track with certain habits and goals.

As I begin thinking about implementing this habit back into my current routine, I want to explore the barrier that arose previously: the idea that checking in with myself and my goals is a waste of time if the goals and themes are repetitive– that I should stop checking in when I get to the period of maintaining the goals rather than actively achieving them. Exploring this barrier (and barriers in general) is crucial to overcoming them, because barriers will continue to arise and the process of naming and exploring them is incredibly insightful if not also necessary.

All or nothing thinking

Failing to keep up with a goal or lifestyle change after we achieve it is a scenario I’m sure many of us are familiar with. Its why yo-yo dieting is a thing, because all or nothing thinking can show up in so many facets of our life. When the dopamine of starting something new and the reward from completing it lessens, we are less likely to keep up with it. We end up riding what I’ll call an all or nothing cycle of lifestyle management.

All or nothing thinking in lifestyle management tells us we can either do the bare minimum or do everything we should do to thrive. If this is the case, we may go through periods of extra work, extra effort to get to where we want to be. This may look like overhauling all lifestyle changes at once, usually after being fed up with where you are. You are sick of never waking up early, so you decide to go all in and start waking up at 5 am, or maybe after months of not going to the gym, you decide to start going 5 days a week. You send yourself into overdrive, riding off of the fuel of failing to keep it up the first time, a high of wanting to be better, again. But eventually, the level of exertion you are using may be unmaintainable, and you’ll start moving back down the hill. And if you don’t take a break on the way down to check in with yourself, you may find that the momentum starts to pick up, and quickly you find yourself back at the bottom, waiting to climb the hill again.

I don’t know if this sounds draining to you, but it does to me, it also sounds vaguely familiar. Imagine what it would be like to not have to continuously climb mountains, imagine what it would be like to just keep walking ahead, at a steady pace, taking breaks when you need to or running when the energy emerges.

That steady pace is maintenance. It may not be as exciting as the energized journey to the top of the mountain or the emotionally draining fall back to the bottom, which I believe is why it’s hard for some of us to stay at that steady pace. Steady can be boring and lack the emotional thrill of the latter, but steady is how we stay regulated, steady is how we don’t waste time and energy trying to do things over and over again. Steady is how we find peace and security, and often this steadiness is found through maintenance.

The steady, maintained feeling in many ways is also what we call balance. And existing in this maintained, calm place in the middle requires a balancing act many of us are not comfortable with. We get accustomed to the high highs and low lows; we accept the ups and downs of life. And although these ups and downs are inevitable, and the peaks and valleys are beautiful, we also may find ourselves exhausted if we get too comfortable with the cycle, especially if we don’t have to.

So, as the year comes to a close and we are gifted the external and constructed opportunity to reflect on our time, I urge us all to take time to think about our own peaks and valleys. Life gets off course, we are not robots able to maintain a perfectly balanced existence. Shit happens; life gets hard but what control can we wield over our daily lives. What can we do to make things a little easier on ourselves? What can we do to save ourselves from resetting goals year after year? What may help us accept and maintain a more realistic and balanced life– whether this is in our finances, our health or our hobbies?

The key for some of us may be to remove the expectation of perfection and try to get more comfortable with doing something rather than nothing. Which means when we get off course, we don’t accept the fall back to the bottom and instead take a pause to assess where we are, even if it’s not ideal. Maybe this means when you get out of a routine of meal prepping, you take account for and appreciate your ability to still cook a dinner throughout the week. By taking account for where you are and finding beauty and comfort in being somewhere in the middle, you may even find the cycle of ups and downs naturally subsides.

In addition to honoring and accepting imperfection which may help keep things feeling more balanced, I also leave you with the opportunity to consider engaging in some form of a check in outside of the end of the year. This may be monthly, weekly, quarterly or biyearly. It can be a full journal entry or a few bullet points, done at home or at your favorite coffee shop. Not so that we push ourselves into the abyss of self-improvement and productivity. Not so that every month we discipline or shame our human imperfection. Not so that we don’t accept our lives as perfectly fine without any change. But instead, because doing so can promote balance, even if the balance sometimes comes from structure.

Wishing you all a balanced, nourishing, and love-filled holiday season. I’m excited to continue showing up on Substack in the new year even as I navigate my own version of imperfect creation and balance with writing. As always, your support is so appreciated <3

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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Bella

making time for play

Isabella Kitzmann — Tue, 15 Oct 2024 17:29:56 GMT

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I lay with my eyes partly shut, squinting at the sun coming through the window, it is 4:45 pm and I start to see rainbows. The world feels as though it’s a kaleidoscope, me being the only one with access. If I open my mouth the rays seem to pour into it straight from the sun. I am playing with the sun, I am playing with the world, and I remember, with iridescent rays dancing in front of me, how important it is to be alive and how important it is to play.

In September, I wrote What Defines a Creative. I emphasized the importance of making time for art and creativity, in part, so we maintain the title of artist. I recommend putting it on your calendar if you have to.

Many things we do because we know they provide a path towards the life we want to live. In the same way we push through lack of motivation, fear, or uncomfortableness in other areas of our life, we can push through them with creativity. Not all the time, and never in a way that makes art feel like a chore or a to do, but in a way that shows we prioritize this identity, this hobby, this passion, in the same we prioritize other aspects of our well-being. Prioritizing art is a way to uphold the value of creativity, to continuously prove to yourself that you are an artist, even when you take breaks, whether it be days, months or years.

As I wrote, and even after publishing, the motivation and excitement to prioritize the title of artist was high. It felt energizing to brainstorm the ways I could prioritize art, and writing specifically, hoping the motivation would be enough to carry me over a lull in creating. But now, more than a month later I can report that this strategy may not actually work, at least it hasn’t yet for me.

Since September, I haven’t even tried putting creativity on my calendar. My time is limited, yes, but just the mere idea of adding one more to-do to an already packed calendar felt like it killed any ideas, inspiration or energy I had left. The thought made art feel like a chore, even though I thought I could trick my mind into thinking otherwise. I wanted to write, to publish on here, I wanted to paint or to draw, but I found after a long day all my body really wanted to do was go on a walk and then sit on my couch reading or watching tv. My mental capacity was exhausted, and my mind didn’t feel pulled to do what I wanted it to do, so I didn’t even try.

But on a Saturday evening, after seeing kaleidoscopes form from the sun, I felt like writing. I felt open to the creative process after freeing myself from the tasks that had accompanied my week. After reading a book and bowling and making love and looking at art and going out to eat and taking a long walk and doing all the things that sometimes only make their way into a weekend, I was excited to sit down and write. I had played enough that I wanted to do the thing I’ve wanted to do.

I think many of us want to be doing more than we are. Maybe it’s doing more art or cooking or finally learning how to sew our kid a Halloween costume. And although I can assume many of these dreams don’t get pursued because we lack time, I also suspect many of them don’t get pursued because at the end of the day, after packing schedules full of a million activities, we don’t have any time left to play. And if we do give ourselves time to play, we don’t give ourselves any more time to integrate what we experienced while playing. We don’t give ourselves the pause to do nothing at all, the crucial pause in time where we may feel inspired to take action, to integrate lessons from play into our lives, art or work.

So often, playing (and often creating) is the primary thing that gets left in childhood. Play becomes the thing adults don’t have time for but desperately need and crave, even if they don’t realize it. This is because play is vital to creativity and innovation. It’s where ideas are had, presence is felt, and inspiration is created. I would argue that play is fundamental to the human experience.

Playing can be anything, but ideally, it’s the things that aren’t scheduled, a walk, staring into your lover's eyes, listening to music while doing nothing else, a random meal made from leftovers. And although I revoke the idea that we should schedule art or play, I believe we can instead leave gaps in our schedules for them to emerge organically. We can give ourselves gaps of time where we are needed by no one, nothing needs to be done, and we have space to get bored. Because it is this luxury of time, this boredom, that pushes our bodies to seek play, and then to seek creating. Whether making time for play means leaving more weeknights open, or not scheduling a social activity for the entirety of a Saturday, I encourage us all to find ways that play and art can fit into your schedule, even if it’s once a week or once a month.

We rarely think to fill (or not fill) our time with doing nothing, to let creativity and freedom and inspiration naturally appear. But I think the more we do, the brighter and more expansive our world becomes, the more kaleidoscopes we may find hidden amongst our own minds and homes.

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

Currently, Bella's Corner is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you're interested, consider subscribing. Otherwise,

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As always, thank you for reading <3

what defines a creative?

Isabella Kitzmann — Tue, 03 Sep 2024 17:00:16 GMT

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This past weekend I was lucky enough to have time to visit a good friend of mine in San Diego. It was a beautiful and dreamy way to close out the summer. On my last night, picnicking past sunset with her and her partner, we got into a discussion around creative outlets and the title of an artist. When asked if I considered myself an artist, a creative, I matter of factly stated that, yes, I was an artist because we all are— we all have the capacity to be artists in one way or the other, regardless of how talented we may be or appear to be. And then when asked what my creative outlet was, I very confidently shared that writing was. But as I did, the confidence was quickly replaced by a familiar doubt, due to my current lack of attention towards writing, not only on Substack but in my journal, notes app, or other place I once used.

I’m writing today, in part, to prove to myself that writing really is my outlet, or one of them. But also, in an attempt to not lose that identity, of a writer, but more so of a creative. And as always, to share my own thoughts in an attempt to allow you to reflect on your own.

Creativity took different shapes throughout varying points in my life– drawing was there for me as an adolescent, writing songs soon after, and then I began pouring my energy into dancing. Each of these still exists within me, because I experienced them. I don’t think I’ve lost these outlets entirely, but at the same time, I know I have lost touch with them. I think many of us have.

It feels good to define yourself by past moments of success or hobbies, to still feel worthy of the title artist because your sketches got appraised in 7th grade art class or you took a graphic design course in college. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel worthy of being an artist, because like I said, we all are. I also think the want to define yourself by past artistic endeavors or hobbies speaks to the power and positivity around creative outlets. But I also think, at least for myself, that if time passes and I continue identifying with being a dancer or a writer or something I don’t actually do, it will continue to bring up feelings of regret, guilt and disconnection between myself. They wouldn’t necessarily emerge because I no longer do these things, but because it will be a constant reminder that I want to be doing these things, that these things light up my world, and I continue to not prioritize them. If I continue to let time move forward and leave these things I once loved, thought I was good at, or had time for, behind without maintaining some effort and putting attention towards, I will know I have let myself down.

It is incredibly easy to let creativity slip away from us. Creativity doesn’t pay our bills (for most people), it does not feed ourselves or our family, it does not give us a promotion, complete an errand, it doesn’t get us closer to our fitness goals or a cleaner house. Creativity doesn’t do a lot of what we are meant to and forced to prioritize in adult life. But it does a lot. It does the expansive things, like connecting us to our spirit, challenging our beliefs, creating a broader outlook, providing a sense of fulfillment. It gives us a lot of what cannot be measured, of what cannot be placed on a calendar, or easily checked off of a list. In ways, this may be why it is hard to maintain, because as beautiful as the expansiveness is, many of us live lives that are scheduled. And although creativity and art are a magic that exists between the lines, not something to be maintained in the ways other things are, it also has to be watered to grow. It may need to be placed on a to do list, even if the task is abstract or unknown. It may look like you always making a note that sometime within the week or month you need to carve out creative time. It may look like pulling out a notebook to doodle or your laptop to write or getting out the cooking tools to make something new even when your body wants to sit and watch TV.

There are many challenging and difficult things we do knowing that we will be rewarded after. Many things we do because we know they provide a path towards the life we want to live. In the same way we push through lack of motivation, fear, or uncomfortableness in other areas of our life, we can push through them with creativity. Not all the time, and never in a way that makes art feel like a chore or a to do, but in a way that shows we prioritize this identity, this hobby, this passion, in the same we prioritize other aspects of our well-being. Prioritizing art is a way to uphold the value of creativity, to continuously prove to yourself that you are an artist, even when you take breaks, whether it be days, months or years.

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

Currently, Bella's Corner is accessible without a paywall. Paid Subscriptions are an option for those who wish to further support my efforts! If you're interested, consider subscribing. Otherwise,

Subscribe now

If you think someone would appreciate this post or the newsletter overall, please feel free to share it with them! Your support would mean the world to me.

As always, thank you for reading <3

moving through the unknown

Isabella Kitzmann — Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:19:00 GMT

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Marble Canyon, Arizona

Today’s piece is a long overdue Part 2 to PART 1. I encourage to read this before or after this article if you are interested in diving more into spirituality and belief systems.

“The most beautiful and the most intimidating aspect of existence is the unknown.”

The above is a phrase I find myself repeating often, to clients, friends, and myself. It is a phrase I repeat when stuck in the loop of asking “what will tomorrow bring?”

The question is posed because of a natural desire, which at times feels like a need, to possess the answers. We want answers to how to move through existence, both today, and more so, tomorrow; We want to be prepared for the unknown elements of existence– the scary and joyful, beautiful and messy things that come with living. We want to know we will get what we want and where we want to go. We may want to believe that we are not here alone, that we are safer in the hands of something greater than us. Maybe, we all just want to know we will be okay.

For thousands of years, religion has, in part, served many people in creating a sense that we are not alone, and in doing so, that we will be okay. Because, in trusting something greater than ourselves, tomorrow appears a little less scary, and we can assure ourselves that some control does exist– that someone else is behind us at the wheel making sure we aren’t driving into our futures completely blind.

As my journey with spirituality, and more so with myself, continues to evolve, I have found my own “stuck points”, parts of my belief system and worldview that are still in progress. To ground myself and explore moments of stuckness, I lean into what I know.

What I know:

I know that the universe makes me feel small, and that there is humbleness and beauty in this smallness. I know that the universe is complex and expansive and within me and all around me. I know that I trust the universe, that I believe in God, in Spirit. I know that there is knowledge I cannot possess, I know that there is knowledge I want to possess. I know it can be difficult to discern when to steer the car and when to let the universe step in. I know that it is important to listen, but I know that sometimes it is hard to hear. I know I have answers within me, but I do not have them all. I know I cannot see or predict my future, and that the ability to manifest or pray things into existence may never be proven. I know that the future is abstract and grand and intricate and maybe you can guess one part but never be able to know another. I know that some things just are.

I know that trusting the universe brings me comfort. I know that seeing angel numbers allows me to feel protected, to know I am on the right path, even if that path is complex and constantly in flux. I know I both honor and fear the unknown. Finally, I know that I find it hard to completely surrender to Spirit, to the unknown– to not want to toy with the magic that exists within and around me.

What I believe:

I believe life is magical. I feel it, I know it and the little girl inside of me really wants to believe that magic still exists, even if I am the one creating it. I believe that the magic that exists around me is not fortune telling or magic 8 balls, instead, I believe that we have inklings and Deja vu and unexplainable knowing that come to us. I believe in the unexplainable. I believe, and I know, that we should have hopes and dreams. I believe our dreams can become reality, that we do hold some power in the outcome of our life. I believe in dreaming for the sake of dreaming. I believe we have power over our situation, but we do not have power over the future, the outcome. I believe in the situation, and I believe in the outcome. I believe in unknown sources, magical or not, as well as influences outside our control. I believe in fate and predetermined destiny; I also believe in bad luck and unfortunate timing. Finally, I believe I want to surrender to the universe, I believe I should. I believe I should trust in the future, not of the one I want, but of the one that will come to me.

What is true:

Today is the only thing that is true, now is the only thing we can know for sure. So, no matter what you believe or what you know, the now is the story you write, and I know I will continue to be an active participant in the writing. Accepting the unknown, not the spiritual unknown but the reality of the unknown, allows us space to breathe. Accepting the unknown is a way to accept our limits. What we know and what we don’t will continue to evolve as we evolve and move through time. Finally, more often than not, by questioning our belief systems, asking ourselves the hard questions, we will strengthen those beliefs. We may even find a knowing amongst all the unknown.

Share your thoughts! Comments and replies are always open for further discussion on this and other subjects. :)

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