I don’t miss you. I don’t want you back, but I’m grieving and I cant understand why.

Am I afraid that I’ll go back to the version of myself before I met you? A shell of a person. The version that was a wall built around who I truly was, the version you made come alive again. The version I’d never thought I’d see again.

With you, I was free. Free to be loud, emotional, funny, childlike, happy, quirky, and, for lack of better terms, a mess. Not once did you judge me. You gave me room, space, to be. I experienced what I thought didn’t exist for me.

The only problem was that it didn’t exist in the way I wanted it, in the way I deserved. It asked me to betray myself every step of the way. And for what? A feeling? An experience? Sometimes I wonder, was it worth it?

But it was. Worth it, that is.

I’m better now because of you.

Maybe that’s what your story was supposed to be. What the story was supposed to give me: hope, fluidity, love, emotional freedom. I must admit, I’ve never left a situation full. I’ve never walked away feeling poured into and not taken from, and so maybe that’s why this is so jarring.

Maybe what I’m grieving isn’t you; it’s who I was with you. Who I became. The side of me I finally let see the light of day. Maybe it’s the worry that she’ll crawl back behind that wall. That I can’t sustain this level of happiness alone. That I won’t have you to share it with.

“Be happy that it happened, not that it ended.” What I would now consider your famous quote that rings ever so loudly these days.

Making decisions that are best for me. Walking away from people and things I love so that what’s truly for me has a space of its own. Who knew that picking yourself and what’s good for you would feel like grief?

What I’ve now come to understand is that grief isn’t always evidence that you made the wrong decision. Sometimes grief is simply the emotional cost of making the right one.

Not wanting it back doesn’t make it less meaningful. If anything, it’s evidence that the version of myself that I so wished to have back can now sustain on its own.

and for that, I will always be grateful.

Why are we so obsessed with leaving on good terms? Walking away and saving the others feelings? Developing a toxic relationship with emotional suppression? When did we stop burning shit to the ground on our way out?

I always see content from people saying to leave in silence, leave with your dignity intact, don’t tell people how you feel. But why? When did this exit strategy become bond?

Leaving in silence has never been a form of self-advocacy.

Have you ever left a situation, argument, or disagreement feeling like, “Damn, I should’ve went off?” Yeah, that’s your body holding onto the unsaid, the words you decided to keep inside to spare feelings, and honestly, the girls might be right about suppressed emotions causing autoimmune diseases because what remains unsaid doesn’t disappear. It remains ours to carry.

In reality, when you don’t speak up, you’re the one left holding the bag. You’re holding the emotional weight of prioritizing their feelings over yours. You’re suppressing your speech. You’re attempting to be viewed as mature and graceful, but to what avail? I don’t believe anyone who has wronged you is entitled to keep the love you’ve given.

Some call it a “Final Act of Love.” But why are we practicing love with people who have us fucked up? In full transparency, that response is deeply rooted in people-pleasing.

I’ve been told it’s emotionally immature to blow up, to crash out, to spiral.

And my only response is, “Whose agenda does it serve to label you as emotionally immature when you’ve been crossed?

Who does it benefit to categorize you?” The simple answer is, the person who doesn’t want to be held responsible for their actions. People who cry at your response instead of confronting the causation.

Furthermore, when did emotional maturity become synonymous with making the person who hurt you comfortable?

I refuse to subscribe to letting others keep the love I’ve given. To make my pain aesthetically pleasing for the person who caused it. The love I gave is curated, molded, fed, and ultimately mine for the taking.

As I continue, what has undoubtedly become a series through the lens of relationship, I pose a question..

How does one’s character, values, and prioritization system dictate how we navigate relationships?

I define the following as such: Character questions integrity, value questions worth, and prioritization questions need. I believe all three pillars either align or create internal conflict. I pose the question

“Are you a bad person because your actions negatively impact the people you love?”

I preface this by saying in no way is this article justification of negative actions towards loved ones, but instead an inquiry into how character, values, and prioritization interact to produce decisions.

What intrigues me is understanding a persons “Why”.

What has shaped us to make decisions that negatively impact the people we claim to hold dear, even when those decisions conflict with who we believe ourselves to be?

I want to first take a look at value. Value is what we decide it is. We assign the weight and to whom it is placed. I can’t simply say that someone who practices infidelity doesn’t value their partner, because if there is no value, the relationship wouldn’t exist. I instead question what type of value is it? Is the value based on contributions and gains? Is the value based on history, stability, or commitment? Is that value based on what the relationship represents culturally or institutionally? or is the value simply based on achieving a life milestone?

If value isn’t assigned to your partner directly, then one can assume that the same value can be found elsewhere. So there is inherently no fear of loss.

Now let’s take a look at prioritization. Prioritization questions the hierarchy we place on our needs. If our needs are not being met within a relationship, then we take action to fill those needs. Now one might say, “Well if you’re not fulfilled just leave”. That’s a simple answer to a value based person because value is not determined by what we say, but by what we repeatedly choose. The valued based person assumes the stance of

“I don’t destroy the things I value. Once Ive decided something matters to me, I behave in a way that protects it”.

However, value and prioritization have a unique relationship based on the order in which they are placed. In Addition, If a persons behavior isn’t protecting the relationship they are building their life around .. then what exactly are they actually protecting?

Now prioritization doesn’t question happiness, it focuses on need. A person can simply decide to place the priority of their needs above value. Whatever those needs may be, a person can decide to out source them while still holding a particular value for their relationship.

Lastly, I’d like to look at the question, “Am I a bad person because my actions negatively impact the people I love ”? The question is character based and questions one’s integrity.

Integrity has core pillars

honesty

accountability

alignment

and consistency

One might argue that value and prioritization also sit inside the framework of Integrity. But what happens when your life choices model good character but your value and prioritization hierarchy interfere? If value and priority interfere, are you then not left to depend on character? Does this then allow someone to compartmentalize? How then should someone begin their journey to find out if they are a bad person? Should they begin to identify how their character, values, and priorities are ordered?

What if nothing of what I’ve inquired about answers how these three pillars dictate our relationships and it is simply just a matter of morality.

Is life truly dictated by destiny? Or is destiny nothing more than the cumulative effect of decisions we make—not only for ourselves, but for others as well?

I used to believe we were destined to meet Prince Charming and be swept away. That we might meet a financial tycoon on a train and land our dream job, or strike the lottery using numbers we happened to see while watching our favorite television show.

I don’t believe that anymore.

You decided to board the train that day. You decided to turn on the television. You decided to walk into that bar where you met Prince Charming. None of it was destiny. There was always an alternative choice available. A different train. A different channel. A different night spent at home.

What we call destiny may simply be the path left behind by our decisions.

A conversation this week brought that realization into focus.

I revealed what I would consider something I planned to take to my grave. A decision I made for myself and secretly for someone else. I had 2 options. Option A I would live the life I built, on my terms, and potentially forgoing a beautiful long-term partnership or option B I give that up, for what I would consider a life I would resent but it would be accompanied with the love of a life time.

Within this decision also stood the other person who wanted option B. As I revealed my decision, a comment was made. He realized that there was a universe where Option A was a full possibility, viable, and actually wouldn’t have been hard to navigate regardless of roadblocks. The reaction caused me to believe that he realized he was placed on the alternate route, not based on pure autonomy, but because I secretly made the decision for him, selflessly and selfishly.

Selfless because I believed I was giving him the life he truly wanted and deserved.

Selfish because I was choosing my life. I was choosing myself.

His reaction left me with an unsettling thought.

He was placed on an alternate path not entirely through his own choosing, but because I had quietly made a decision for both of us.

I don’t pretend to possess some godlike power to shape another person’s reality. Yet I cannot help but wonder: did he believe destiny had led him to where he is now?

Would he have chosen differently had he possessed full knowledge of both possibilities?

What does he think of his reality now?

Does he feel gratitude? Regret? Resentment?

Those are questions I will never ask.

And perhaps that is why I have begun to question destiny altogether.

The more I reflect on life, the more I believe that reality is built through a series of calculated decisions intended to secure the futures we desire. Excluding illness, tragedy, and random accidents beyond our control, why would we surrender our lives to chance? Why wait for destiny when we possess the power to act?

Perhaps some of this reluctance is learned. Many of us are raised or force fed to value humility over pursuit, patience over action, acceptance over ambition.

But I wonder.

I wonder does he know that the life he can have, the one he should be living, the person he really is, is currently sitting in the decisions that he chose not to take or the decisions that are constantly being made for him?

A harder question is, If we love someone enough to make a choice on their behalf, do we protect their future—or do we take away their right to choose it for themselves?

I now wrestle with the realization I held, which was one of a victim, to later realize it was my consequence at play. I wish it was now destiny to blame because I am left to wrestle with the burden of knowing. The burden of the decision cost.

there is an alternate possibility.

Maybe I am no different.

Maybe the life I am living today is also the product of decisions made on my behalf by people whose influence I never recognized and whose choices I will never fully understand.

If that’s true, then perhaps destiny isn’t a force guiding us at all.

Perhaps destiny is simply the story we tell ourselves after the decisions have already been made.

Have you ever seen a man enter into a business deal and say “Man I love this deal, even If i stand to gain nothing I will continue to invest because loving this deal is enough”.

Exactly ! Said no man EVER !

Relationships are no different. And in the words of the great revered Denzel Washington “Im leaving here with something”.

Relationships are built on mutual exchange, or what some would call “transactional”, and it’s time we stop pretending otherwise.

Ive been able to view love as an ideal through the lens of a partner. His value systems/experiences led him to believe that Love is the foundation. Everything else can be built if two people genuinely love each other. That love for a person should be assessed based on their values, how they treat others, morals, kindness, etc .. and not based what they can offer, finances, lifestyle, and or material gain.

I understand why it’s appealing, but I don’t believe it’s sufficient for building a life.

I stand on the notion that entering into love, while unstable in core areas of your life, is foolish. Love is not at the top of my list when it relates to relationship sustainability. Therefore, my partner must offer stability, integrity, and strong financial stature amongst other things. And if my preferences are not met … then truly whats the point of being in that relationship? Are we not both in this to gain?

Aside from finances, there are multiple ways people gain within relationships, but refuse to quantify it. Partners gain emotional intimacy, emotional labor, sex, companionship, security, purpose, children, personal growth, and the relationship itself. Yet, For some reason, these gains are viewed as an act of love, while financial provision is viewed as a transaction.

Yet both are investments that benefit the relationship? No?

If love is the foundation in a relationship, why doesn’t it govern behavior when it matters most? Why doesn’t it prevent betrayal? Why doesn’t it require accountability? Why cant it withstand financial strain? if love alone cannot produce those things, Why are women then demonized for having standards and requirements for their relationships outside of Love?

If love is as central as those who argue that love is enough, Why then is there disconnect between the principles people defend and the choices they make?

For example:

A woman who spends five or ten years helping someone establish himself has invested something that cannot be refunded: time. If that relationship ends because of betrayal, she doesn’t get those years back.

So my personal desire for stability before making that investment isn’t necessarily about money. It’s about reducing avoidable risk.

It’s about the opportunity cost.

I close with this, because this isn’t an attack on Love but more so its functional role or hierarchy within in a relationship.

The naive side of relationships ignite on the lap of curiosity and love but require trust, integrity, financial compatibility, communication, and accountability to last.

As I continue, what I would now consider a series of development through the lens of relationships, a conversation has yet again sparked a topic worth exploring.

For the longest time I believed that control or possession within a relationship would create a positive impact. That within a relationship there are the unspoken expectations and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed because we control the relationship. In reality controlling and possessing does the exact opposite because it is not rooted in unconditional love but pain.

Pain allows us to believe we can control, predict even, the outcome of relationships. I know for me that is what my grief has led me to believe. A fatalist level of thinking. The idea that If I can control my partners behavior, break my own heart prematurely, or make decisions on their behalf then I have created safety. When in reality the act of doing these things is counter productive.

I have gone through four distinct phases with in almost a year that has continues to elude me. The phases being possession, control, acceptance, and lastly empathy.

Pain led me to believe that possessing my partner or the outcome would allow me say “If I can have you, I won’t lose you”

Pain led me to believe that if I can control him, predict him, or manage the nuance then I wouldn’t be hurt.

These two phases took the longest to move on from. Mainly because I control/posses everything within my life that I have curated. But that’s not how human interaction is wired. Relationships are meant to be an experience or experiences that unfold as you grow to know and understand a person in all of their seasons. Pain told me not to accept the “experience”, but instead dictate it.

I was thrusted into the third phase, acceptance. The realization that I cannot control who he is, what he chooses, what he feels, or what path he takes. This was sobering. When I removed pain and shifted to acceptance, I became free within our dynamic. Not only that I released control/possession of him, but also the control/possession of myself as it relates to my relationship with pain and grief. I no longer viewed the dynamic as something to save myself from but something to indulge in, in its natural state.

This brought me to my final phase, empathy. Ironically enough he began at this phase and never left it, although witnessing me experience a range of emotions. Empathy taught me that I can disagree or not accept the core dynamic of the relationship, but I can still choose to be understanding. Pain taught me not to understand, to be unwavering on my thoughts, to stick to my red brick road without deviation. Empathy allows you fluidity, it allows you to experience something new without the weight of your past.

I question when pain and grief will not be my guide? When will I allow curiosity to be my guide? Instead of the need for the immediate control to safety pipeline. It is almost as if when pain and grief see you experiencing hope or love they come to you swiftly as a cautionary tale, reminder, or a gut punch that you shouldn’t be optimistic.

In my earlier writing related to grief I stated the following

But what if grief and pain have no moral compass? What if they are not right or wrong? but instead a strategy that I once believed created safety, prevented pain, and offered predictions. When did pain convince me it was the decision maker?

If love was never meant to be possessed or controlled, what would happen if I simply let it unfold?

Typically people stay because they love. It’s the glue, the frame work, the one tether that withstands the most damage with the greatest repair. I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you, I left because I loved you, more than I’ll ever admit. I left because loving you required payment and the cost was myself.

The cost of loving you was heavy. It made my bed a jail cell for days. It made my mind unstable. I toyed with explaining away my boundaries to keep us afloat. It made me understanding to a fault. But yet, I was rewarded with grief. At the same time loving you made me feel alive. You taught me patience, kindness, and gave me joy. You brought me peace and allowed me space to thrive authentically. You were nurturing and forgiving. Loving you was explosive, exciting, and deeply sensual, but to what resolve?

Love is not always enough to safely remain. My nervous system began mourning before the relationship had even begun to end. It's almost as if my body recognized danger before it appeared. Love should not feel like Im waiting on abandonment to confirm its existence.

But who was I to think love could survive uncertainty.

Who was I to think that I could explain away or ignore the truth as it if never existed.

Love needs a foundation. It demands structure, although unpredictable. She withers away when left unattended. She panics when left in silence. She depletes when starved of reassurance. She immediately senses shifts and change of energy. Love must be carried by 2 or many. She doesn’t survive on her own with hopes, plans, fantasies, and dreams. She demands attention.

Love dies in unclear waters.

Yet, she’s consuming in the most nurturing of ways. Love shows her self in the unconditional form. No matter what, love never forgets you even when years and seasons have passed.

I choose to believe that leaving is not the absence of love, but the evidence of it. The greatest evidence is that I chose to love you honestly, while loving myself responsibility, and refusing to let our relationship decay into resentment.

For the first time love didn’t convince me that I needed to abandon myself. She taught me that two truths truly do exist.

I’m starting to think I can only handle intimacy by micro-dosing. Intimacy requires a sense of heightened vulnerability that I'm too jaded to fully experience. It demands you to allow yourself not just be seen, but fully known.

but what if my essence is the only personal thing I hold claim to

what if being fully known strips away the only thing I own, the thing I cherish the most,

me.

I’m an intense lover. I go for what I want immediately leaving no room for the answer, NO. I crave the intimacy of being seen. Being studied. Having a lover who can spot your quirks, mood swings, things that bring you joy, when sadness impacts you, or when silence triggers you. Being seen is the part of intimacy I find invaluable. There is a certain level of consideration that comes with being seen. A softness that your partner willingly gives to you with no expectations of receiving in return.

Being seen allows you to keep parts of yourself. The parts that if they were known and mishandled could lead to being broken spiritually. The parts that keep you intact, the parts that allow you to experience heartbreak without losing yourself. Thats the beauty of being seen, it comes at no expense. This may sound transactional, but everything comes at a cost.

Now when it comes to the intimacy of being fully known, Im slow to action. I wait until safety shows up and even then Im like a slow leaking faucet guarded by rusted copper pipes. Being known feels like I’ve been stripped naked in front of a crowd of 1000 people. That my cloak, my shield, my inner thoughts, my ideas, my trauma, is just all out there for someone else to explore. And to what resolve? Being known is an expense, one I can’t afford.

The question is how can being seen and not wanting to be known thrive in healthy partnership? Can you ever truly experience love without first stripping each other to be known? What if being fully known pushes away the one person you love? Are you willing then to be known? or would you settle for being seen? Would you then succumb to micro-dosing intimacy to avoid being known at all? If someone truly knows me will I survive their judgment, rejection, or departure?

Micro-dosing intimacy isn’t the end goal but its seems to be the safest way to handle the drug we all know too well.

I’ve known grief my entire life. I believe I knew her before I knew myself. I’ve known her to be swift, silent, often cold. She comes in waves, always wanting to be remembered, seen, felt, and heard. Sometimes she comes as a familiar scent, a holiday, or a significant event. She is no respecter of time or space, as she demands my full devotion.

I wish I didn’t come to know her. I don’t want pain, but my relationship with grief is more familiar than emotional safety. I trust her to always be who she has shown herself to be. She’s consistent. I always know when she’s on the way, like an internal signal. She begins with over analyzing, doubt, questioning, emotional flooding, then she appears.

But one thing stands the test of time, grief is never wrong.

My relationship with grief is one I trust. She’s been a form of self protection for years. A fortress. But this time she showed up differently. Completely shifting our dynamic that I knew all too well. This time she showed up with consideration, emotional intelligence, with a smile I couldn’t resist. She was a warm embrace. A soft kiss. Grief communicated. She showed me gentleness, softness. She showed up as hope. But even in this change, potentially her evolution,

Grief came to collect, she came to take me home.

But this time she came because I called her.

She was all I knew to save me, to spare me of what I considered inevitable. I wanted us to finish this chapter ahead of time. I wanted to have her rush me through the process so I wouldn’t have to hear “I told you so”. I wanted to beat her at her own game.

She won again .

I wonder if one day she’ll be wrong. If one day I can end our relationship with being able to prove that I no longer need her, that she can no longer keep me bound, that I no longer rely on her protection. That one day I’ll find a new fortress. One that I no longer hide behind, one that is built on the foundation of safety not fear.

I still have hope that one day I’ll show her

One day.

I wondered why this type of grieving hurt so bad. Why my mind stayed in this emotional loop of never ending “what if’s”. To only realize it was because the love story I had in my mind actually never began or finished, it was all just an idea.

Grieving the idea of who a person could have been versus the reality of who they are is often harder to get over. You become obsessed with the alternate versions of how the story could’ve or should’ve played out.

From the moment you meet, your checklist begins. They start to tick off the obvious, good looking, nice teeth, well spoken, etc.. After the 1st date, is where you begin to form the idea. You’ll begin to hang out more regularly, communication becomes consistent, and you are beginning to form the initial attachment. By now objectivity is a lost art, you’ve told friends and family about them, and then the envisioning begins. This is where the “idea” takes flight.

What’s dangerous about this is, subconsciously you begin to form the idea of who this partner could be for you. The home, the children, the life, and the overall experience is now pre-written. You don’t miss the red flags, you explain them away. You begin to practice extended amounts of grace and potentially compromise on your non-negotiable’s for hopes of getting to the end goal, “The idea”. The truth of who the person is in their entirety doesn’t register to you because you are operating in an alternate reality that does not exist.

By now things have shifted in all areas of the dynamic. Communication has slowed, dates are non-existent, and consideration for you has left the chat. Your rose colored glasses have broken and your feet have finally touched grass by force. You both have made the decision to move on, yet you are now left in limerence. You are consumed by the thoughts of “This person could have been perfect if they just ….” “Why didn’t things work we were almost ….”, “They would have been great If ….”. The reality is, this person never existed, you just fell in love with the idea of them.

This type of grieving haunts us and often keeps us in an emotional abyss. Why do we start planning with the idea of a person before they have time to show us who they truly are? Why are we so addicted to thinking a person would change for us, that we explain away the glaring red flags? Why don’t we believe what we see? I would love to use the excuse that we’re all just hopeless romantics, that we all just want to see the good in people, but in reality it’s just unfiltered delusion. Hope without guardrails.

So what now? I say call yourself out on habits that cause you to enter into infatuation with an idea, remain objective at all costs, Deal only in reality and truth, break the rose colored glasses, and lastly call bullshit.

The more I embark on my journey through womanhood, I realize more and more of what I don’t want in a man. For years I told myself I wanted a good man, stoic, a man immovable by my emotions and madness, a bottle of valium, a man that followed what I considered to be the societal norms of “what a man should be”. I now realize that my view of what I wanted wasn’t shaped by my needs, wants, or desires. It was instead shaped by what I was told and shown a man should be.

I finally met him, the good man, the stoic immovable figure. The man that wasn’t easily swayed by my emotions, tall, dark, and handsome. I ended things. This type of a man doesn’t cater, he lacks emotional capacity and depth, he’s consumed with ego, has no sense of empathy, and needless to say is more interested in looking like the man than the works it takes to be one. He too was a victim of being what society told him to be. He chose duty over desire, often, if not always neglecting his needs to take care of responsibilities in an over indulgent way. I realize society teaches men what it “looks” like, not the true work it takes to “be”. This type of man would never be able to meet me because in reality he had never met himself. I had it all wrong…

By no means was he a bad lover. He was gentle and affectionate. He was consistent with communication. He was a pleaser in every sense of the word. I could rest around him and let down my masculinity for a change. He was agreeable. I knew that If I stayed with him I would be taken care of. He was a good man. However, as I evolve, the idea of having a good man just isn't enough.

I want a man that possesses consideration. One that can feel my emotions because he has done the work identify his own. A gentle man, not only in touch, but in tone. One with vast emotional intelligence and depth. One that understands responsibility isn’t just about buying the home, but filling and sustaining it. A curious man. One that can identify my needs before they are spoken. One who understands and enacts kindness in the heat of any emotion. A patient man. A forgiving man. One who understands consist communication isn’t a task, but a form of consideration. A man that enjoys banter and silence. A man who challenges me to grow beyond my limiting beliefs. One open to learning. An understanding man.

Society doesn’t leave room for this level of expansiveness in the “good man” archetype, so I dare to choose differently this time around. Just being a good man will never be enough to reach a woman like me, to carry capacity for my waves, to spark my desires, or to simply be in relationship with me. It is with great esteem that i’ve now, whole heartedly, decided to put the idea of a good man to rest.

Think about your last interaction with meeting a man for the first time or your last relationship. When were you most annoyed? When did you start playing detective? When were your thoughts completely engulfed with a man? I guarantee you it was at a time when you either had no hobbies, weren’t striving for more in your career, weren’t pursuing an education, or just simply put, you weren’t busy enough.

I’ve realized for a woman to truly thrive in relationship, a man has to be the least of her worries. The times I have enjoyed relationships the most is when I was completely self-centered and pouring into my cup until it overflowed. The man and relationship then benefited from the overflow, and not from what filled my cup. Walk with me here …

When a woman has a full life, she is less likely to be wondering where a man is, what a man is doing with his day, who a man is with, or honestly anything related to him. She then approaches her relationship or interactions with men in a more emotionally regulated state. Getting to know a man, while centering yourself, then comes from a lens of curiosity vs. skepticism, actuality vs. delusion, and mental clarity vs. overthinking. You are then so laser focused on yourself that a man becomes something simply to enjoy and not to be consumed by. Centering men will cause you to lose your focus as a woman. You will become unable to concentrate at work, increased lack of motivation for basic hobbies, rot in bed because you’ve been overtaken by sadness, or worse you’ll forget who you are, “THAT BITCH”.

There has been case and study of the “glow up” after relationships end or even just being single. Take the Mya’s and Tracey Ellis Ross’s of the world for case in point. Women are always more attractive, focused, and flourishing when they center themselves. Thinking about a man has gotten you where exactly?

I urge women to get a hobby, enroll in school, lock in on the gym, see your girlfriends more, take more trips, get a promotion at work, and ultimately fill your life. By the time that relationship ends or even if you remained single, you look up and realize that you’ve built a life to sustain you, motivate you, a life to relish in and all because you were just busy enough.

The moment you meet a man what’s the first thing you do? Tell your girlfriends right? I would assume. At least for me, that’s what I do. I tell my girls for a few reasons, but the main reason is to start a full on background check of his hoe facts. I realized that my girlfriends can only give me advice based on their past experiences, trauma or lack there of, their self-worth, and overall view point of men.

You would think that birds of a feather flock together, so that must mean that a group of girls all have the same views, experiences, and behavior towards men right? Wrong. Within a friend group you typically have the OG “man hater”, the simp, the hoe, the good girl, and pimp, the desperate girl, the delusional warrior, the lesbian, and whatever other archetypes exist. Now think about talking to six different women about one man? It’s pure and utter mental chaos.

Now me myself, I’m what you would label an OG “man hater”. So anything a man does makes me throw up. I once had a man send me flowers that had more leaves than it had roses. To the point that I would’ve been happy if he would’ve just gotten me a cava bowl. I showed it to a gf I had at the time and she said “at least he sent you something, he didn’t have to”.

Now at this point I knew I couldn’t be her friend anymore, but that’s a conversation for a later day. But imagine if I took her perspective about the flowers and then gathered more from my other friends. I wouldn’t know what to do, how to feel, or how to respond based on all the commentary I so willingly invited.

I say that your homegirls are ruining your dating life because you are not fully present in any experience you are sharing with others. You cannot fully know a mans intentions, experience him, or even get to know him if you are constantly analyzing every interaction in the court of opinion known as your “homegirls”. Do you think that you could’ve potentially tricked yourself out of a good situation because your friends projected doubt, fear, trauma, on what you once thought to be a quite normal interaction with a man? Did you potentially stay too long with a terrible partner because your simp friend told you to “give him a chance to change”? Did you miss the red flags because your delusional friend told you to just “go with the flow”? Or worse, The jealous friend that purposely wants to see you hurt so she gives you bad advice on purpose? At what point do you establish who you are as a woman, date from that lens, and trust your judgement?

food for thought

I often find myself running into girls with no sense of self or identity and I could never understand why. Then I watched the Maddie and Cassie dilemma play across my screen and had a light bulb moment……

In the words of Maddie, that play was in fact about ME.

I met a girl in college and assumed her to be just a sweet unsuspecting southern bell, little did I know she was about to completely take my identity, style, and eventually fuck my man. I know now that imitation begins small, incremental if you will, until it becomes its final product …..YOU.

She began with compliments and being intrigued by where I was born and raised, fascinated with my family background, and always wanted to know where I shopped for clothes. All things that girls do right? WRONG! She began to mimic my mannerisms, my outfits, even her accent started to sound like mine. When she introduced me it wasn’t by my name, it was “Hey this is my friend from “New York” or Hey this is my friend she’s “Jamaican”. Sounds innocent right? But if you look closely she was identifying me as something that would indirectly make her look “cool”. It wasn’t until one day at a basketball event she came in dressed exactly like me and immediately knew the friendship had to end. I eventually found out she slept with a man I was dealing with and I cursed her flat out. From that day on I made sure that any friends I made had their own identity because mine wasn’t for sale.

I say that imitation is dangerous because of the jealously and obsession factor. The friend that always wants to know what you’re wearing before an outing, the friend that probes about your dating life, the friend that only wants to go out when you’re out just to have proximity to you, the friend that all of a sudden likes everything you like and hates everything you hate. These women eventually morph into their final form of the “one up”friend who is constantly in competition with you. They are competitive by nature but pass it off as friendship alignment or being a “girls girl”.

The thing about these type of women is they take on the identity of every new subject they meet. They move like chameleon’s and your life is their prey. This is where gate keeping my personality came in handy. The key is to starve them of information until they eventually latch on to their new supply.

All the signs were there for Maddie if she knew what to look for .. my advice is to pay attention to the Cassie’s in your life before it’s too late.

When you read my title, what emotion did it invoke? Did you first think about your physical appearance? your aesthetic? Have no fear, you are not in enemy territory. I’ve been in relationship with men for over 15 years and my most recent revelation is that sometimes you are just not a mans “type”. Walk with me here ….

A man will pick, marry, or be in a relationship with a woman because she fits his level of intelligence or lack thereof, his level of emotional capacity, his structural/financial resources, or to sum it all up, she accepts the pickle juice he’s selling. When men tell you that your standards are too high, you are un-agreeable, and that you’re not his type … he’s actually complimenting you and telling you that you aren’t a dummy willing to settle.

The man that is immovable, unwilling to be challenged, emotionally stunted, and or financially strained, is absolutely not looking for a woman like you. This would require self reflection, accountability, or better yet THERAPY. So yeah sis, you’re just not his type!

A man once told me he doesn’t approach certain woman because it would cause him to have to rise to an occasion he is not willing to reach, therefore he dates at his level. His level happens to be short flings, emotional unavailability, and zero intentionality. He would much rather date an agreeable woman that doesn’t challenge him, is always available, avoids emotional conflict, and pretty much “sits there and looks pretty”.

I used to be offended by this sentiment and I hate to even utter these words but, “The men are right”. They should absolutely date, marry, and be in relationship with the women that are willing to accept them for who they are. Im no longer a Nicki Minaj fan but she ate when she said:

“But had I accepted the pickle juice, I’d be drinking pickle juice right now”

…. and sister THANK GOD you’re not the one accepting of the pickle juice being sold.