Oh and another thing before I get started, this is going to be a long one, so don’t forget you have the option of listening to this article… I promise I won’t judge you if you listen, our attention spans have gone to crap!

Renaissance

Renaissance dropped at the perfect time, DUH! But on a personal level, Renaissance truly dropped at the perfect time. When the first single of the album “Break My Soul” dropped, I had quit my job less than a month before. I broke free from “safety” and decided to rest and become a full time entrepreneur. I was genuinely shook like Beyoncé girl are you all up in my mind?! Because yes the job had me so stressed I couldn’t sleep at night, I was working before 9 and well past 5, and I LOST MY MF MIND. No seriously, I was on three different medicines and working with my doctor and therapist all over a damn job chile. Whew… then when she dropped the album I remember thinking this is nice ( I immediately enjoyed “Church Girl” and “All Up in Your Mind”), but I didn’t enjoy it until after a few spins; it was different, it was UNIQUE - hehe. I was yearning for the visuals to make sense of Renaissance, but they never came, until several months later, Beyonce reminded us on tour “you (we) are the visual baby”. Hence, why Renaissance is an album dedicated to studying thyself.

Granted, by the time the tour had begun, I appreciated Renaissance - sometimes things need to marinate, but later I also appreciated that we did not get visuals because I got to interpret it in my own way, as did you, creating a personal and cultural connection to her art. I thoroughly enjoyed getting on social media and seeing many of our dissertations on each song, as well as the entire body of work. And guess what else happened? We fans created our own visuals - we all know the “Cuff It” dance - that is the visual baby.

Pause ⏸️. What exactly is a renaissance? Merriam Webster defines it as the transitional movement in Europe between medieval and modern times beginning in the 14th century in Italy, lasting into the 17th century, and marked by a humanistic revival of classical influence expressed in a flowering of the arts and literature and by the beginnings of modern science.

It is further defined as a movement or period of vigorous artistic and intellectual activity; a revival or rebirth.

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Tracklist Interpretation

1. “I’m That Girl” - Beyoncé kicks off this album by telling us, no one can stop YOU, no one can stop ME, and no one can stop BEY! This is a song to remind us of our confidence, our essence, our stardom, our God given power. We are powerful because of who we were created to be, not because of who we surround ourselves with, what we have materially, or who appreciates us.

2. “Cozy” - Be who you areeeeeee for your priiiiiIIIIIiiiide! Lol, no but in all seriousness, we should all be comfortable in our skin, in our culture, in our sexual orientation, in our entire being. Cozy reminds us that no matter who we are, we should take pride in ourselves, despite the hate we may receive. Furthermore, the hate we receive in our comfort and confidence is because we have something, "they" aka haters, want which is genuine comfort, radical self acceptance, and unshakable confidence.

3. “Alien Superstar” - Simply put, YOU are unique. Yes, Beyoncé is unique, but you are too. This song reminds me of our fingerprints, as they are unique and no fingerprint is the same; we will all leave a unique imprint on this world. It is also a beautiful reminder to tap into the uniqueness that lies in our mind because no one else in this world can think like us, dress like us, walk like us, talk like us, love like us, etc.

4. “Cuff It” - This song truly is “the visual”! It is a nudge to take time out to play, fall in love, remember your sensual side, and tap into your highest self (“bet you you’ll see stars, bet you you’ll go far, bet you you’ll levitate, bet you you’ll meet God”). Our highest self is typically fun, similar to a child, and where we release our inhibitions - word to Natasha Bedingfield.

5. “Energy” - JUST VIBE! Again, your highest self, your truest self wants to have fun here on earth. I believe this is the perfect precursor to Break My Soul, specifically the lyric “them Karen’s turned into terrorists”. Yes life has it’s dark moments, but it would be a lot lighter if we had less people policing our good vibes and energy. But first, we must stop policing our own good energy by allowing it to take shape.

6. “Break My Soul” - Why are these careers breaking our soul? If it is breaking your soul, you need a new foundation so you can get back who your soul called you to be. In my opinion, this song is the epitome of the album’s title and what a renaissance actually is, because it is a call to a rebirth of yourself - I suppose this is why it was the first single. Bey is essentially asking us: what actually aligns with our soul and what needs to be released? She also says “if you don’t seek it, you won’t see it… if you don’t think it, you won’t be it”. Those simple but catchy lyrics remind us that when our mind and vision come together, we can experience a renaissance. Lastly, less is more when it comes to our soul.

7. “Church Girl” - Now that she’s discussed our foundation/soul in the previous song, Beyoncé wants us to look at our body’s relationship with spirituality and religion. Many of us that grew up in the south, myself included, grew up in conservative Christian households, where our bodies, especially as women, were often ridiculed before we could even speak. Because of this, the natural desire to move our bodies was often shunned, in order to appease the church or “powers” that be. In this song she is challenging that belief and reminding us that to be free is to let go and move, including our bodies; something Black Americans have done centuries before we were forced to conform to the ways of AmeriKKKa.

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Pause ⏸️. We are halfway through the album and Beyoncé reminds us of who we are by taking us on a journey of peeling back the layers to get to our foundation, our soul, our highest self. She does this because she understands once we know ourselves and not who society or indoctrination wants us to be, we will be free and a renaissance will take place.

I also wanted to pause here because “Church Girl” means a lot to my maternal lineage - I could write an entire article on this one. If you know me, I cannot dance for the life of me, I have gotten better over the years, but I still don’t have rhythm. After hearing this song, I shared it with my maternal grandmother and she told me she was not allowed to dance growing up, due to religious reasons. Even in high school, she was not allowed to go to dances and would often sit. I now know why I cannot dance (LOL), but it saddens me that something so innocent that even babies do, was condemned due to religion. Dancing is not innately sexual, it is a freedom of expression and releases trauma stored in the body. So now when I dance, I do it for my maternal lineage that couldn’t.

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8. “Plastic Off the Sofa” - Beyoncé starts this song off reminding us to be ourselves with ourselves and with the people we choose to love - heavy on the choose because we have a choice. Yes, it is a play on words regarding sex without protection, but don’t we all desire and deserve a place to be raw, rough and authentic? A raw and rough love that has longevity, where we are still liked - “I still like it baby”? Yes, but the thing is, we only get this love once we are BOTH confidently our authentic self.

9. “Virgo’s Groove” - The sign Virgo (and Gemini hehe) are at home in the planet Mercury, which represents communication and in this song Bey is telling us exactly what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it; opening up that throat chakra. Basically, ask and you shall receive is what she is the message she is conveying in this song. You want them to come over? Say it! You want their hands gripping on you? Tell them. Because the thing is, we all want somebody! And don’t you lie either, the trauma has you scared, that is all.

10. “Move” - This song following Virgo’s Groove is funny to me. I interpret it as, ‘I am love and I am being loved on, so you can’t tell me shit about myself’. She is encouraging us to take up space, shine, and take center stage unapologetically and with our girls or community. Yes there will be people that are uncomfortable with you and your girls’ “coziness” and calling the shots, but alas tell them “move out the way” - again with that throat chakra!

11. “Heated” - This song gives me the same energy as “Don’t Hurt Yourself”, but in a more refined manner, hence “I gotta fan myself off, I gotta cool it down”. Beyoncé is telling us she ain’t nothing to play with (physically or artistically), but she also ain’t gone get all the way out of character. Instead, she would rather be nice-nasty aka petty, and read you down with an iconic look like the ballroom culture, followed by a little ki at the end. I love it, because it shows she truly cannot be tamed, but she clocks the nonsense many spew her way.

12. “Thique” - This that grown woman, home grown, authentic, real, THAT THIQUE. This song feels as if she is telling us that as we grow/age authentically, we will expand physically, mentally and financially. I’d like to think this is also a way Beyoncé is also telling people she did not touch her body (hair included cause folks love to talk chile), instead it is just natural expansion when you water yourself. Also, the lyrics “boy, take this in this in slow, don’t let go, and tell me how bad you’ve been wanting it” emphasize the importance of yearning and when it’s thick, you gotta take your time with it… she is so NASTY AHHHHHH I love it!

13. “All Up in Your Mind” - First off, only real ones love this song, or maybe yall ain’t crazy for real. Hehe, but no I think like most songs, this has multiple meanings. The first is love - duh! Is it a crime to want to make sure you and your lover are in sync? If so, lock me up baby. The second is, as this album is coming to a close, she wants to get in our mind through music to remind us who we are - UNIQUE, COZY, THAT GIRL to get back to our SELF, our foundation, our soul. Is that a crime? “No, NO!” Perfect segue into the next song.

14. “America Has a Problem” - Beyoncé is acknowledging that she is indeed a problem and once you have connected with your truest self and you’ve broken free from the “American dream” or the “matrix”, you will be a problem too. People who cannot be bought, bossed, or tricked out their spot are. a. problem - simply put. She has completely broken free by having full agency over her life, which is unheard of for anyone, especially one who is both Black and woman. Lastly, the problem doesn’t lie with her money, instead it lies with the freedom she possesses and encourages in others, such as the hive.

15. “Pure/Honey” - Bey’s technique is pure and it rightfully should cost a billion because it comes from her pure creativity. This song is all about Beyoncé knowing her creative worth and reminding us of our own creative worth. In Pure/Honey, she is spitting game to us, so we can study her technique of being pure, investing in our beauty, staying out of drama and having an incredible work ethic (staying busy). One final thought about this song is that she is again reminding us to open up our throat chakra by saying “don’t be funny with my money”! Speak up, your worth quite literally depends on it.

16. “Summer Renaissance” - The album has officially come to a close and with a fun song that will leave you in a trance. To be honest it took me a minute to understand the messaging in this song outside of the obvious of feeling good, so I truly had to study the lyrics on this one more than the others. The messaging I believe Beyoncé wants to spread in this song can be found in a few of the lyrics: “I’m feeling way too lose to be tied down. Can you see my brain open wide now?” which is followed by “I’m a doc, I’m a nurse, I’m a teacher. Dominate is the best way to beat ya”. This song shows us our freedom lies in our mind and once we can dominate our minds and lock into a trance-like state, we can get exactly what we want want want, no matter our profession or title.

    

    In conclusion, this album is a masterclass in getting to the root of ourselves (mind, spirituality, body), so that we can call in that new life aka a renaissance, but one that is built on steady foundation.

    ---

Personal Study

How does Renaissance relate to you? To me? Renaissance is truly about remembering our highest self and embodying it. Who are we at the core? Who were we before jobs, titles, religion, “life”? And how can we bring that version of us back into our present and future life? How can we ensure our soul is being fed and not broken? How can we exude confidence and certainty about ourself and shamelessly present that to the world? What area of our lives is in need of a rebirth? What needs to be said aloud? This is the subtle art of studying yourself, YOUR TECHNIQUE, which is what I believe Beyoncé wanted us to get from this body of work. To know and understand one’s self, means you are grounded, authentic, free and will likely leave a legacy and impact on this earth, just as she is.

So before I go, let me ask you this. Do you know who YOU are at your core? If not, connect with your inner child - play, journal, dance, be silly, try something new - and in due time you will figure out who your PURE inner child is and what your soul came here to do. If you still need more help finding out who you are beneath what “America” or the “Matrix” tells you you should be, maybe I would be a good fit as a life coach. I would love to guide you back to yourself, because you already know, you may just need a little direction getting back to you… YOU JUST GOTTA FIND YOUR WAY BACK, BIG BIG WORLD BUT YOU GOT IT BABY. Below is my website with a link to a quick form to fill out.

Schedule a free 30 Minute Coaching Consultation

Alright, this time next week to discuss Cowboy Carter? Bet! I will see you next Friday to discuss our history. Fun Fact: Did you know that Bey changed the game with that digital drop? She is the reason albums no longer drop on Tuesdays and instead drop on Fridays.

Oh and if Beyoncé, Beyoncé’s Manager Blue, or Mama Tina sees this, my birthday is June 1st and if you ever want to shout me out on your website, this is one of my favorite baby pics. Okay love you byeeeee. LOL.

Thank you so much for reading my work. I know this was a long one, but I hope it was worth it. I’m curious about your thoughts on this piece, so please leave a comment with your opinions on my interpretation, or what your interpretation of the album is. Keep in mind I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit LOL. If you have not already, be sure to subscribe and check out my most popular articles thus far. Until next time friends.

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Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play “Number One Rule” by Megan Thee Stallion. My God I love that woman! She is such a role model for young women. Own your art, open that throat chakra up, bet on yourself and leave any MF that doesn’t honor you!

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When I heard Megan The Stallion’s “Number One Rule” for the first time, I gagged, but when I ended my bid, yes I said bid, with a narcissist in December of 2024 and I listened again, I said to myself:

Cause yeah he is STILL gasping for air in my phone nearly 2 years later. But I thought I wasn’t enough? I thought I…

In “Number One Rule”, Megan says “bad bitches choose” and I am a BAD BITCH and if you are reading this, you likely are too. Yes I am naturally beautiful, but I am smart, I have some coin, I am funny, I have goals I have met and I am pursuing (she doin’ it), and once you get to know me, I am down to earth. I have been told on a few occasions by men that I am intimidating (that is a red flag telling you they can’t handle you btw) and if that ain’t the definition of a bad bitch, I don’t know what is.

Pause ⏸️. Merriam Webster doesn’t have a definition for a bad bitch, but Urban Dictionary definitely does. It is described as a woman who a badass and a solid chick with self respect.

Another definition on Urban Dictionary is, one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him (her man), herself, and the game at which she plays.

Both definitions sound like me and you!

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When I think about the men I used to dream of spending the rest of my life with, all but one, shared a common theme: they were interested in me and I gave them a chance. It wasn’t instant attraction, some of them the attraction had to grow… Had I done the choosing, I wouldn’t have chosen them. I know that is harsh, but this is just my truth, this is just my truth (word to Ari Lennox). I am not saying I dated bums or bottom of the barrel men, I am saying I settled because I was available when they sought me out, not because I felt intense physical and mental attraction. Yes, I enjoy being chased; it is thrilling and the men love it too, but I have only chosen one person for me and that was my best relationship - no I am not going back to that man (eww), but I am aware of my dating patterns and you should be too if you aren’t already.

The concept of me not choosing someone for myself is quite interesting because I have always been bossy and very particular when it comes to making decisions for myself. I chose where I currently live. I chose every car I’ve driven. I chose every job I’ve had. I chose how my home is decorated. I chose how my hair looks. I chose, to some degree, how my body looks. I have always made great decisions for myself. Even when I have asked for input from others, I made the final choice for me, regardless of the advice of others. Yet, I have been taught to expect the perfect man to choose me?! See how silly that sounds? If choosing is successful for me in all other areas of my life, why would I treat dating differently? And honestly, wouldn’t it be nice to choose each other when it comes to dating, instead of convincing someone to choose you? Aka a “pick me”. EEEEE-YUCK!

Pause ⏸️. I know you may be surprised to hear this, but I was once a pick me for men I had to grow my attraction towards - a damn shame. If anything comes out about me from years ago, it is AI lol. No but in all seriousness, I once was a pick me. I may even have a few tendencies buried deep down, but thank God for growth.

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And the thing is, convincing someone to choose you is not a pick me characteristic per se, but it shouldn’t take long or constant convincing. For example, I didn’t interview for years for my job to choose me, I went through a few rounds and I got the job, but I did take the first step in applying. That is how I want to approach dating moving forward - get comfortable making it known I am interested first. When I look at my dating patterns, I think to myself: why am I waiting months to be exclusive and prove my worth to you (when I had to convince myself to like you) if we are choosing each other?! And I will be damned if I ask at the big age of 33, “what are we?”. Yes, fear is real especially once you’ve been through heartbreak before, but it shouldn’t take long when you both want each other and are actively seeking a monogamous relationship and a spouse. At that point you’re wasting your time and energy on a role that either doesn’t exist, or they’re waiting for a better candidate.

I know what you’re probably thinking, if you know it all, why are you still single? First off, watch you mouth, but second off this is a new theory I am testing. A few months ago I actually DM’d 2 men I had a crush on and here is what I learned.

1. They showed interest back immediately - rewiring my brain yay!

2. Men like to be chosen too - ain’t nothing sassy about wanting to be chosen, it is gender neutral.

3. When I am doing the choosing, oh these are some first round draft picks. I choose REAL good. I am talking FIONE, tall, tatted, intelligent, wealthy, and well traveled - society’s rules don’t know what’s best for me, I KNOW what’s best for me.

Why haven’t I been doing this all along? Well, I will tell you why. I told yall I have an unworthiness wound that I JUST released a few months ago (see article below), but also this is not how we as women have been taught to approaching dating; “a man will find you” is a societal norm. Not to mention, I believe the Black community dates in a way that not only is a disservice to us women, but the men too. Why are we spending more time worrying about what others (family, friends, strangers) think, instead of how we feel about a person? Why are we letting fear stop us from taking a step forward with someone we know makes us happy? Maybe that is a generalization, so let me stop, also that is a different type of article.

Outside of my own recent theory, I have two friends who chose their husbands that support this theory. One friend met a man at a bar, went up to him, and now they’re married with kids. I’d often tell her, that could never be me because a man needs to approach me first, and while I still prefer it, making the first move is simply, making the first move; nothing more, nothing less. I often thought of making the first move as being emasculating or thirsty, but it’s not like I plan to make the first move the entire relationship should it even go further because again, sometimes it is simply making the first move; it’s not that deep. How he responds from that point on will determine if I allow anything to move forward. So this goes with my theory, women who are good decision makers, need to do the choosing when it comes to dating. There is also a stat on this.

Pause ⏸️. I remember reading a stat on this a few years ago, but I could not find a study to back it up, ugh. However, I did see an article stating that many men enjoy being chosen and the sexual chemistry is usually better for women who initiate the relationship (read article here). I mean why wouldn’t it be? He is glad to be chosen by you and you didn’t have to wait to build attraction, it was there from the start.

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Maybe we need to do more choosing or initiating. You know what type of person you want, GIRL go talk to your crush. Crushes are a portal to our potential and there is likely something within them you’d likely like to embody - I plan to discuss this in more depth so stay tuned, I just need more personal data first (hehe). Go talk to them, say hi! Anything can happen, even if it is not romantic. Maybe it is an opportunity to learn something new! Maybe they’re the one! Maybe you just need to open up that throat chakra more often to receive what you really want, instead of accepting what is given. Or maybe it’s Maybelline LOL! You won’t know until you shoot your shot and have some audacity. There’s no shame in making the first move and my type knows I’m only gon’ say I’m interested once, after that the ball is in their court. I’m not chasing, neither are you, and neither is Megan Thee Stallion; her very next line after “bad bitches choose” is “NEVER chase a nigga, let a nigga chase you”. We are simply choosing who gets access to us, not chasing. Oh and making sure they know they’re a chosen one because for the type of woman reading this, she knows, most don’t make the cut. And that is even more reason why you need to shoot your shot; you know EXACTLY what you want, and what you want is niche so if you see someone that fits the mold, why are you holding yourself back?! Fear?! Now girl... Remember, you’re an Upgrade U woman, you’re a bad bitch who chooses, YOU. ARE. THAT. GIRL.

Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play “I’m That Girl” by Beyoncé.

Play ▶️.

One final thing to think about, for my spiritual baddies, if you feel a strong urge to speak to someone, listen to it. Our greatest blessings come after we have taken the guided (often uncomfy) action.

Thank you so much for reading. If you feel called, leave a comment sharing your experience around this topic, or share with a friend who can relate. If you liked this article, check out some similar ones below. Lastly, below is a link to a playlist of the songs I channeled while writing this, it is a little raunchy but we grown! Until next time friends. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Apple Music Playlist Here

Grief.

You already know how I’m coming, we need to define what grief actually is, because even I misunderstood it.

Pause ⏸️. Grief has multiple definitions according to Merriam Webster, including: a deep and poignant distress caused by, or as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering; trouble, annoyance, or an unfortunate outcome.

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I’ve begun to realize grief is not at all what I thought it meant. I correlated grief with a physical death, but grief is much more complex than physical death as defined above. Grief has shown up in my life often after endings and failed beginnings. Grief is an inconvenient cost of love. I have grieved the death of loved ones, but I have also grieved the failure pause of my business, the life I thought I’d have by now, the shift of my friendships after marriage and motherhood, oh, and men (how could I forget?)… LOL, but grief has changed me. The greater the grief, the greater the change in me.

Pause ⏸️. Did you know as a child I was a great singer? I am talking GREAT, until one day, my voice disappeared. I am talking the child leading for the adult choir during city wide revivals, GREAT. People still ask my granny if I sing, GREAT. Yeah, I was GREAT until I wasn’t. Think of the Little Mermaid and Ursula… I swear someone took my shit! But after that, I felt I had no talent. Music was the one thing no one could take from me, until it was…

Play ▶️.

In 2021, the greatest grief I have known so far occurred. The mask of a family member slipped and while it had begun happening slowly over time, the relationship I’d known died in a level of betrayal I still have yet to understand. To keep it a buck, I have not been able to view people the same since. At the same time, I was grieving the life I thought I would have at 28. I was single with no prospects, working a job that did not generate joy, or align with my values. I cried so much during that season of my life (I am talking snotty nose on the kitchen floor crying out to God).

Pause ⏸️. I was down so bad on my 28th birthday, I spent the entire day in the bed in the fetal position sobbing, ignoring all birthday messages and calls. My mommy showed up at my house unannounced (that is a BIG no no for me btw) with cake because she knew something was wrong with her baby. I was sick about my life, but 2 days later I began building my business plan and 5 months later my business shetriedHER was open for business. I am in awe of what my grief created, even if it was a failure is on pause.

Play ▶️.

I felt the weight of chasing the wrong dream and feeling like the real life I dreamt of was becoming impossible. For a while, I let my grief fester until I hit a breaking point; I could continue to let grief run stall my life, or I could use that pain to create a new life for myself. I ultimately chose to create a new life for myself AND my lineage.

Create

What does it mean to create? What does it mean to be creative? I am glad you asked, lets define it. I told yall, my mama made sure if I did not understand, or how to spell a word, I had to look it up in the dictionary and I really wish more of us did this… THE LITERARY CRISIS… anyways.

Pause ⏸️. Merriam Webster defines the word create as to bring into existence, or to produce or bring about by a course of action or behavior.

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I did not always believe I was creative, but based on that definition, I believe we all are. Creativity is not just the arts, it is the process of bringing an idea to life. In 2021, my grief around the life I thought I would have and the ending of the relationship with a family member, forced me to create a business; a meaning for all of the shit I was feeling. The business I created was a process, sometimes fun and sometimes frustrating; from creating a business plan, sourcing suppliers, securing packaging, tracking shipments, marketing, standing in the cold and heat trying to sell my vision and products, and my goodness the financing… Oh and don’t think the grief wasn’t present, I WAS HURTING, but I was transmuting it instead of letting it run stall my life! Despite the challenges and grief, it was the first time I had an idea I dreamt years about, actualize. Which leads me my last point, the awe and complete adoration after you create something that only existed in your mind.

Below is a link to an article my business was featured in locally.

https://voyagedallas.com/interview/check-out-briana-smiths-story/

Awe

I’ve come to learn that when the tears get to flowing, my creativity gets to growing and eventually I will bear fruit; the darker the berry, the sweeter the fruit... In other words, my tears tell me that there is a story in my life that needs to be told, not solely for my own release, but for others too. All of my endeavors came from grief and I learned all of my endeavors have a story behind them, once I surrendered to the grief. My ability to create also led me to learning what my talent purpose was; uplifting and inspiring others. It has always been my talent purpose, because what I loved most about singing when I had a voice, was the ability to inspire. That is why I share my stories, that is why I am a life coach; I want to inspire others to tap into that calling on their life even if it has been clouded by loneliness, low self esteem, or bullying. I will never not be in awe of what my grief has created. I’ve endured a lot, but I just keep getting up and transmuting, which is what is what makes me survive the grief of it all; I am an alchemist…

Pause ⏸️. Surrender, according to Merriam Webster is to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand.

The definition of talent is a special often athletic, creative, or artistic aptitude; general intelligence or mental power, according to Merriam Webster. Purpose on the other hand, is defined as the reason something is done or used, intention; the feeling of being determined to do or achieve something. I like to differentiate those two, because talent focuses more on the activity, but purpose is the intention… there is a difference.

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Which gets me to wtf was going on with me this entire Mercury retrograde. I was fighting between my current life and my dream life; my talent vs. my purpose. It was a lot! I am trying to leave room for both (MY FINANCES 🥲 - the biggest cockblocker of my creativity), but honestly, all I want is the dream life. Now that I know the reeeeeeeason 🎶 aka my purpose, I only want the life that was grown from my grief, but I don’t want to stay in the places that caused me such grief. I am ready for God to say, now is the time Briana, you are ready for a miracle that will not only inspire you, but millions of women across the world. That is my reeeeeason 🎶; that is why I will be forever in awe of the things my grief created. My grief led me to my purpose/power. My grief will lead others to their purpose/power, especially those yearning for the meaning after the storm.

• that breakup/situationship

• that betrayal

• the depression

• the loneliness

• the low self-esteem

• the financial loss

• the bullying and emotional abuse

Looking for a keynote speaker or a life coach? See if I am a great fit by clicking the link below for a discovery call.

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The Astrology of it All

I want to give you all a little background about astrology as a non-astrologer, but also so you can understand the depth of the grief I was carrying. First, I want to say this because I know astrology is often regarded as “demonic” in my community, but astrology reminded me how intentional God is with all of us. I think of astrology and our birth chart’s as our finger print; NOTHING is by accident and NO ONE will leave the same imprint on Earth as you.

Mercury is the planet of communication and when it is retrograde, it is “seemingly” moving backwards, so when Mercury is retrograde, our communication is often “off” or “wonky” and it is why our exes reach back out; communication includes verbal and technological. Mercury retrograde wants to know “will you go back, or will you go further despite the pull back to the past?”. This Mercury retrograde was in Cancer and Cancer is a water sign representing expansion and motherhood. Lastly, I mentioned the moon was in Scorpio towards the ending of this Mercury Retrograde; the moon also represents the mother (it likes to be in the sign of Cancer) and Scorpio, another water sign, represents transformation, or death and rebirth. My moon is in Scorpio, so the mixture of the Mercury retrograde in Cancer and the moon in Scorpio, had me like this iconic painting by Annie Lee.

Whew, I know that is likely a lot, but to put it all into perspective, I was an emotional wreck in the final days of Mercury being retrograde in Cancer. After surrendering, I cried for 3 days straight and as painful as it was, by doing so I connected with my maternal lineage, appreciated their sacrifices, and realized it is time for me to make a change in our lineage; my purpose is ready to be revealed to the world. I was giving birth to my creativity, to the quantum leap that will be felt by future and past generations. I am going to tell our stories, not because they are special, but because they’re relatable and we as women, especially Black women, can overcome despite the political landscape shown across traditional media.

Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play Girl, Get Up by Doechii… she liked one of my posts and when I feel like I suck as a writer, I remember an artist that is not only THAT girl, who reminded me of my creativity through sharing her journey of the Artist’s Way, liked MY work. I started writing because of Doechii speaking about the Artist’s Way, now all I wanna do is share stories like this through both blogging and fiction (I have a novel on the way).

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Fun fact, majority of my writing encompasses music. Below is the playlist that assisted me in creating this piece. Often times, God pulls me to listen to certain songs on repeat to really absorb the messaging, so I kept these songs on repeat for days LOL. I wasn’t interested in hearing anything else, just wanted music to remind me to keep going, despite the heaviness of the recent transits.

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/im-in-awe-of-what-my-grief-created/pl.u-V9D77GGf6G12Ka

I know you’re wondering, what did Doechii like? Check it out.

Thank you all for reading my work. This one took a lot to write, I mean the writing behind it was easy, but the grief and tears behind it was BRUTAL. The fetal position brutal… however, if you felt connected to this, please find a way to create; it is in you and costs nothing but awareness to find… please feel free to like, comment, subscribe, or share this piece with someone you feel would relate. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Lastly, if you would like to purchase anything from my business, shetriedHER, I am still open, but for sizes out of stock, I do not have the capacity at the moment to pay for a restock.

Shop Here!

Let’s backtrack a little more, in December of 2024, I told yall how I hopped in the studio and channeled (see link to article below). The energy I was feeling created a lasting moment in the form of music. So while I already knew music was spiritual, it hit real different when I was the one behind the creation of music. I visualized the words I spoke when I was in the studio and I’m certain I’m not an anomaly, many artists do it too. When we are listening to music, we are often times in an artist’s head and experiencing their purest energy. Hence why people often say “be careful of the music you listen to/consume”.

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Let’s define music. I don’t know about yall, but I grew up with a physical dictionary in the house. My mom made sure I understood what words meant, so I truly cannot help myself, especially nowadays when buzz words are often used incorrectly. Merriam Webster defines music as vocal, instrumental, or mechanical sounds having rhythm, melody, or harmony. They also define music as the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity.

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Anyways, music is powerful, even as I type this, I hear the sound of birds chirping. That is music; music is everywhere, even nature. It does not have to be this big thing such as, a studio production or multiple instruments to have a profound effect on us. Instead, music can be as simple as birds chirping. Music has a profound effect on our wellbeing and can tell a lot about the state of mind we are in individually and collectively. Again, with birds, when birds are not chirping, that is often a sign of bad weather on the horizon. Or better yet, think about when you hear birds, what happens? You stop in your tracks and look around. I often think of simpler times when I would play outside as an child and hear birds, or sit on the front porch with my great great grandmother and just listen to nature and wave at the cars passing by.

Music also enhances our memory. When hearing a new song, before we can even think about it, our mind is beginning to create feelings and memories attached to that song. I believe that is why we often have nostalgia associated with music and say things like music was better “back in the day”. We often have good memories tied to the past, not necessarily because the past was better, but because the past has memories we can recall, while the present is trying to create them.

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Okay, let me get into the “spell work” of it all. But first, let’s define spells. Merriam Webster defines spells as spoken word or forms of words held to have magic power, or initiate a state of enchantment. They further add, it is a strong compelling influence or attraction.

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So how can music be a form of spell work? Have you ever had a song that transports you into another world? That is spell work (enchantment). Or maybe you’ve had a song instantly remind you of a concert or person? That is also spell work (compelling influence). You listen to a song when you need a pick me up after a bad day? That is spell work (compelling influence). If you still don’t believe me, because I know it’s a stigma around spells and witchy stuff, let me provide you with some cultural examples.

1. “Why Don’t We Fall in Love” by Amerie. Tell me that song doesn’t transport you to summer and falling in love. I dare you to tell me it doesn’t. Exactly, you can’t.

2. “Take Me to the King” by Tamela Mann. I bet your whole body reacts at the following lyrics “Truth is I’m tired, options are few, I’m trying to pray, but where are you.” You’re either transported to a time you felt that way, or your body reacts because that is where you are currently.

3. “Contagious” by the Isley Brothers. Their storytelling in the song, plus the music video, will have you visualizing and reenacting parts. Or is that just me? Oh… you know it ain’t just me! We all do it.

4. “Cranes in the Sky” by Solange. Solange gave us example after example for us to resonate with and when I hear each example, I remember a moment in my own life I tried to avoid the cranes in the sky. There are still dissertations about the meaning of this masterpiece, so if none of my examples above worked, I know this one did.

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I began writing this article before the India.Arie and Yung Miami debacle and 1. Don’t disrespect India.Arie around me, her music gave me hope as a child who was bullied, especially “Get it Together”; and 2. I like Spend Dat by Yung Miami, but it’s a song I don’t like to listen to on repeat, because I’m not calling in no scamming for myself and definitely not for my future man. We must be mindful of what we are consuming and how much, music is just like food.

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If you made it this far, you must either agree or are intrigued. Yay! I put a spell on youuuu lol, sorry I couldn’t resist saying it again. I want to share how certain songs from the personal playlist I created for myself, helped me transform my mind, money and love life (romance). Note, I will not share the entire playlist because it is sacred to me. I will however, encourage you all to create your own playlist and listen to it often. Last year, it was my most played playlist with 3,991 minutes or 66.5hrs. Repetition is important when doing spell work, why do you think there are choruses in songs… gone and marinate on that (that is an Outkast reference by the way).

Mind

• “Closer” by Goapele helped me transform my mind by remembering that with each passing moment, I am getting closer to my dreams. Goapele encourages us to close our eyes and visualize and each time I listen, I see the sun shining on my skin and a version of myself that is at peace knowing, I am fully in my purpose in my midcentury modern home that is filled with art and my favorite people. She also acknowledges that sometimes fear makes us feel like we will never get past this present moment, but reminds us that we are going higher despite, and to let our fears go so we can continue on.

• “Suddenly I See” by KT Tunstall helped me remember how much of a beautiful light I am. In the song, she says “She’s got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah yeah” and it reminds me that despite my fears and struggles with my mental health, I have so much power and many people have experienced it. I am unapologetically myself, I am giving to those I love, and I am intuitive AF. Not to mention, it is a fun song; I can’t help but be happy when I hear it.

• “Bigger” by Beyoncé is self explanatory. STOP SLEEPING ON THE GIFT DAMMIT.

Money

• “God” by Doechii reminds us in this song (it is actually an excerpt from her YouTube when she was completing the Artist’s Way) that we need to not have a scarcity mindset as we move through life. Instead, God has an unlimited amount of money, creativity, homes and more that we ALL have access to. So when I am stressing about money, I remember I am connected to the most abundant artist (God), which means my artistry will provide me wealth and access to the resources I desire.

• “Money” by Cardi B reminds me that “all a bad bitch needs is some money”. I know it seems surface level, but money is access, resources, and freedom. Money is a tool that has helped me with having access to a therapist, the gym, and nutritious food, just to name a few. More money will help me purchase my dream home, make me feel secure in my desire for motherhood, and allow myself to take a break without the worry of “will my bills get paid?”. It is important to note that money is neutral, it is the person(s) behind the money that can make it “good” or “bad”; so desiring more money will not make you a “bad” person, but how you use the money will determine if that is the case.

• “Upgrade U” by Beyonce is a mix of money and romance because I have my own money and you better have it too, so together we can island hop off the Amalfi coast. Also, have you read my article about this song? Click the link below to read it.

Romance

• “Can’t Wait” by Doja Cat (yes I still listen to “showing feet in chatrooms”, judge me idc lol) just gets me giddy when thinking about meeting and being with my person. She talks about how much she cannot wait to provide for him, travel with him, and also write for him. And as a writer myself, I cannot wait to write for someone. Can you imagine the creativity when you’re elevated in love? Ugh, I CAN’T WAIT! But also, I give myself this treatment too; I provide a beautiful life for myself, I take myself on luxurious trips, I write songs for myself.

• “Greedy” by DVSN is such a sensual song that feeds my worship kink. Yes, I want you to beg for my pleasure on your knees, I want it to feel like vodoo (that is my Scorpio placements talking), and I am not ashamed to say I want lots of sex and trips. Also, this song is such a good song to hear when I am taking a steamy shower, or looking in the mirror post shower; I feel like an absolute goddess.

• “Little Things” by Ella Mai is how I want to feel in love. I want to feel safe to not only receive, but to give back. When I hear this song, it makes me excited to return the favor for my future man, because only the GOAT can get me to feel safe enough to give again. I am naturally a giver, but I have held back as I have surrounded myself with too many takers. This song screams “you’re safe now”. I also use this song to give thanks to myself. I am proud of myself, I am more than enough, and I am trying.

Alright, so how exactly did these songs transform my life? Cause like most, you want the proof. I GOTCHU! My mental health has drastically improved and I was able to get off Zoloft by the summer of 2025. I believe the media I was consuming, not only music, was feeding my fears more than my desires. Once I changed what I was consuming, I began creating an enjoyable present, thanking my past, and looking forward to my future. When it came to my money, I’ve had a lot of financial wins which included: a raise, a new position, multiple bonuses, eliminated my credit card debt, and I moved into a more expensive home that brings me and my dog security and peace. No I don’t have a man YET (lol), but I do feel excited about the potential of dating someone again because I am providing myself with the romance I want to call in from someone else. By giving myself that, I am no longer seeking from a place of lack, I am instead excited to expand with someone with similar life goals. While I still have not dated, or even gone on a date, I am wholly loved for the first time and it cannot be taken away, because I am loved by me.

Have I convinced you to create a playlist? I hope so. Below is a link I created specifically for this article, but you can use it as a guide to create one personal to the area(s) of life you’d like to transform.

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/the-magic-of-an-intentional-playlist/pl.u-mJy88D8FDLB2ma

Lastly, go look to your most listened to songs recently. What are they telling you about your state of mind? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it neutral? Is it all over the place? There is data that can tell a story about yourself, based on the media you’re consuming. What songs are on repeat? Why do you think that is? How do those songs make you feel? Remember, repetition is important for spells to truly work, so be mindful of what song(s) you’re repeating because like money, spells are neutral. Are you casting a “good” spell, or a “bad” spell. If it is bad, reduce how often you’re listening to that song and use the power of nostalgia to lead you back to music that would cast a “good” spell over your life.

Thank you for reading my first paid publication. I am grateful that you took the time out to not only read, but monetarily support my art. I pray that your soul was fed with this article, as well as all my articles. If you feel inclined, please like, comment, and share this with a friend you believe this message will resonate with. Until next time friends. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

I will stand by life being the greatest teacher. We can learn by reading and seeing, but nothing beats learning through doing/experiencing. Through experience, our mind and body connects to what we are supposed to be learning and the more heightened your emotions, the bigger the impact of the lesson. So when I got scammed recently, I was perturbed, but it lit a fire under my ass and reminded me “BITCH, you need more audacity!” I’ve said it before and I will say it again, anger is the greatest catalyst to change. Click the link below if you want to read more about my relationship with anger.

Pause ⏸️. What exactly is a scammer? Merriam Webster defines it as a person who commits or participates in a fraudulent scheme or operation. I define it as one who lacks credibility and accountability, but uses audacity and delusion to create trust with others for personal gain.

What is audacity? Merriam Webster defines it one who is intrepidly daring; or marked by originality or verve. I would like to add that audacity is someone who simply doesn’t let fear get in the way of their desires.

Meaning, a scammer requires audacity, but audacity does not require scamming.

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This particular individual was a successful scammer, because they not only believed in themselves, I believed in them too. I don’t want to give too much energy to the scammer, because this is more about me than them, but through this interaction, I saw myself a little clearer: I lack audacity. The lack of audacity may not be the only reason I am not where I desire to be, but I believe it plays a major role. I have allowed perfectionism and the fear of being perceived, to hinder my ability to act; therefore, creating a whole lotta talk and not a lot of action. And while it pains me to say that about myself, it is the truth.

You see, I am a certified life coach, but I have not coached any clients because I felt I needed to have proof of clients. Which is silly, because in order to show proof of clients, you have to first get clients. So for nearly 4 years, I have let the certification I paid good money for, go to waste. But a scammer, well… a scammer will create a persona through delusion mixed with audacity and not only believe it, but get others to believe it as well. If I have the accreditations, why am I counting myself out? Why do I not believe in myself? Why do I believe others won’t believe in my coaching abilities? Who said I have to be perfect in order to be capable? In order to get clients, I have to do the uncomfortable thing of simply trying and putting myself out there; perfection will come through practice and practice requires the audacity to begin. Clients can’t find me if they don’t know I exist. SMH! I have been shooting myself in the foot this entire time. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Another thing, I want to speak on stages as a storyteller and despite the stages I have spoken on since childhood and even in adulthood, I still feel I do not have the right to take up a stage. But how can I grow into the storyteller and speaker I want to be, without trying? I have to start small and be open to being awkward, so that I can learn and book the larger stages I desire. If the right stage fell into my lap today, I would likely panic, because I am not ready. I have to get ready and in order to get ready, I need some confidence with a side of audacity. Also, if God called me to do something, why would I doubt my abilities? Wouldn’t that mean I am doubting God?

Lastly, I want to write books, but I feel I have to find a publisher, an editor, and a literary agent. Where do I begin? Where do I start? And will I be taken seriously when I want to write different genres? Well for one, I have to start writing, which I have been doing. I also have to start sharing my writing for the right team of people to see, which is what I am doing now on Substack, but imagine if like the other two examples above, I did nothing? Imagine if I let myself say “I am not credible enough”, or “I am not a good enough writer”, and I chose to do nothing? Trying got me to nearly 500 subscribers in 6 months on Substack. Trying has strengthened my writing skills and style. Trying has connected me with other amazing writers. Trying has left my readers sending me kind messages that my writing has positively impacted them. Trying will create the opportunities I would like to call in.

Pause ⏸️. Yall know I love a song and a song that has helped me on days when the self doubt is loud, is Stronger by Sault. Specifically these two lines: “If I was not meant to fly, you wouldn’t have made the sky” and “God has His hands on my life, all I have to do is try”. Whew! So why am I not trying? God has my back!

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It is important to add that the thing a scammer typically lacks is a credible journey. A journey helps continue to foster trust with your audience, clients, customers, etc.. You don’t just wake up and become a doctor, artist, or athlete; those titles are earned through the journey of education, becoming, and trying. Think of an artist you’ve been a Day 1 fan of. You likely love them because you stood by them during their journey of becoming. That is how I feel about Beyoncé, Doechii and Jessie Reyez to name a few. And like them, I have a journey and credibility too, but I was lacking the audacity necessary to put myself out there; I let perfectionism and perceived perception take center stage instead. I’m supposed to be center stage, not my fears! Yet, there are people out here living their dream, simply because they have the audacity to scheme and defraud people. I am not by any means encouraging scamming, but I do want people (myself included, this is a self drag yall lol) to wake up and gain some audacity to be who God called them to be. If a scammer can, you certainly can and you will be rewarded by the kingdom of God; and as for them, their karma will come in due time, if they aren’t secretly dealing with it as we speak.

Pause ⏸️. Have you ever been to Cane’s? I believe they’re the epitome of audacity. They sell bland chicken strips a million different ways at a high price and charge you extra for the sauce, knowing the sauce is what makes their food edible. Yet, they’re still in business. That is audacious AF! The special sauce you and I need is, audacity. Period.

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While I could stay angry at that scammer for scamming me, I instead decided to transmute my anger into something bigger, way bigger than the ROI (Return on Investment) that they got from taking my money for the first and last time. The funny thing is, transmuting and alchemizing is nothing new to me. I have transmuted my pain since childhood and I want to help others on their journey of transmuting theirs. It may come easy to me now, but there are people out there who want to get to the part of their journey I’m currently in, and I would love to assist. I want to be the person I once needed, for others; I guess that is the big sister in me. I want to make sure people not only feel seen, but have the tools and confidence to overcome bullying, loneliness and low self esteem. I have overcome these through inner child work, ancestral veneration, and creating joy. We all have the tools to transmute, but I would like to guide you back to them, and yes I want to get paid for that. As strange as it feels to say, I am allowed to be compensated for my gifts and work.

How will I do that you ask? With some audacity, DUH! Lol, but I plan to do so in a multitude of ways, which includes, but is not limited to (because I don’t believe in limiting God): paid subscriptions here on Substack, paid keynote speaking opportunities across the world, being a guest on podcasts, and taking on paid coaching clients. Worst case scenario? Nothing happens and my life stays the same. Best case scenario? People pay me for my services and they are positively impacted. Even better case scenario? I am able to create the career I desire where my love of travel and helping others merge, allowing me to be compensated to see the world as a storyteller.

I am excited to begin this journey with you all (also a little scared because I am human) and to share a little bit more about my journey, in hopes that you are interested in becoming a paid subscriber, or booking a consultation for my speaking and coaching opportunities. To become a paid subscriber, click the subscriber button below, or click upgrade if you already are a subscriber. To book a consultation with me, click the “Book me here!” link to my website below.

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Thank you for reading and engaging with me Substack family. Feel free to like, comment, and share with a friend you feel this message will resonate with. Just know that with each positive interaction, you’re reminding this little girl that she has purpose and she is worthy. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Pause. ⏸️ Did you know the Wiz was a box office flop? Yep. It cost roughly $24 million to make, but it only grossed $13 million at the box office in 1978, resulting in over $10 million dollars lost. I find that astonishing considering its cast which includes Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Richard Pryor and music produced by Quincy Jones. Also, it is now considered a Black cult classic.

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In the beginning of the Wiz, Dorothy appears to be emotionally stunted. Everyone’s life around her is visibly moving forward, yet she’s still never been south of 125th street. I often feel that way as I compare myself to societal standards and my closest peers. Many people my age own a home, have a spouse, child(ren), are excelling in a fulfilling career and while I desire those things too, it has not yet happened for me. The difference between me and Dorothy though, is that I’m actively trying to receive these things, while Dorothy is too afraid to try. We do however lead a similar life, even down to our little fluffy dogs we are constantly chasing after.

In the past two years I’ve done a lot of work around my brain, my heart, and having more courage.

Brain - Scarecrow

My brain (mind) needed a lot of work, or shall I say upgrades. I had a habit of thinking negatively about myself, but I began to say the negative things aloud and write them down. By doing so, I had proof of how silly my negative thoughts sound and now I think more positively of myself. “You is smart, you is kind, you is important.” Since changing my inner thoughts, I have quantum leaped in the area of my mental health, career, and finances in the last 18 months. This is also possible because I have surrounded myself with people who want to uplift me and left the crows behind. Your mind can either expand or shrink, depending on the people you surround yourself with and the media you consume.

Heart - Tin Man

In the past 18 months I’ve opened my heart up to receive, despite beginning 2025 newly single. I easily could have shut down after that break up, but I learned just because my previous relationships did not work out, I’m not hard to love. Instead, I’ve loved people who could not match the depth of love I have for myself; there’s a difference. Now knowing that difference, I’ve closed my heart off to those who cannot match the depth of love I have for myself, which in turn created more room for the love I’d like to both give and receive from myself and others. I now believe I am the embodiment of love in its purest form.

Courage - Mean ol Lion

Despite being bullied and shunned for being my authentic self in the past, during the last 18 months, I have had the courage to be my most authentic self online through YouTube, TikTok and Substack. Many would cower, and I often did, but now I fight through those fears by simply trying. Sometimes I get no likes, other times I get thousands, but each time I am rewiring my brain that being myself is not a bad thing; it is fun and has brought me more rewards that shrinking ever has. I even had the courage to learn how to swim; something that was once scary is now an activity that brings me joy. Courage to me is trying, even when there is fear present, not the absence of fear.

I’m currently at the part of the Wiz where Dorothy realizes that she must believe in herself before she can return home to New York. But before she does that, Dorothy learns that the Wiz is nothing but a scammer who’s conning the people of Oz. And the thing about a scammer, is that they have a lot of audacity behind the mask they hide their insecurities with… Dorothy is faced with the challenging decision to either stay in Oz because the Wiz cannot help her, or she can believe in herself by clicking her sparkly heels three times until she gets back home.

Pause. ⏸️ Do you know how difficult it is to believe that some dead witch’s sparkly shoes will help you get home? That’s how believing often feels for me. Ridiculous, silly, stupid, incomprehensible, etc.

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Believing in the unknown is extremely difficult for me. Like most, I have a cap on my beliefs. We may believe that the sun will rise tomorrow, but very few will believe that clicking their heels three times will grant them their deepest wish. I am trying to believe that through my authenticity and creativity, I will be afforded wealth 10 times greater than my current corporate job can provide. I am trying to believe that at 33, a healthy marriage and children will still happen for me, despite no prospects. The things I currently desire are something I’ve unfortunately not witnessed in my bloodline. I do not have parents, grandparents, or even great grandparents that have given me the blueprint for the romance, family and level of finances I aspire to have, and certainly not with the level of ease I prefer to obtain it. I am the blueprint, the generational curse breaker, and that takes a hell of a lot of belief to trust that by doing something different, life will reward me and future generations differently.

Pause. ⏸️ I’d like to note that while I do not see anyone in my bloodline with the exact blueprint I desire, I’m extremely proud of them. Each generation has done more than the last and that is a testament to our faith and endurance. I will always remain grateful for what they’ve done for us as we continue to progress forward.

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When Lena Horne appears in the final scene with the babies in the sky, I think of it as my ancestors and future generations (including my own children because I must believe lol) cheering me on, because they believe in me too. All of these figures in the final scenes play a powerful role in Dorothy believing in herself through community. Dorothy was different from those in the land of Oz and while she may not have initially believed in herself, she believed in others; for better or worse. By believing in others, she unintentionally created a community of people that helped remind herself of her power and light. That is what I realized I’ve done in my life thus far; inspire others to believe in themselves. So why not use the audacity of scammers (the Wiz, poppies, crows) and the love of my community (the land of Oz, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, Aunt Em) help me believe that my goals are more than attainable and I will achieve them? I guess I have no choice now but to believe and trust that I’m almost exactly where I desire to be.

While preparing this article, I shared it with one of my best friends and she said “I don’t think you’re Dorothy at all, you’re more like the Wicked Witch of the West aka Elphaba.” I do love Wicked and I believe we can all be different characters throughout life’s seasons. I did say in a previous article, I’m like Chaka Khan, every woman is in me… So maybe Dorothy was past me and Elphaba is current me? Hmmm… Should I do a part 2 and focus on the parallels between myself and the Wicked Witch of the West aka Elphaba? Let me know in the comments and don’t forget to share this with a friend. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Loneliness is defined as the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it, by Psychology Today. It can also be described as the following:

Loneliness is coming home to an empty house.

Loneliness is going weeks without a hug.

Loneliness is feeling disconnected even in a room full of people who love you.

Loneliness is being there for others and realizing it’s not always reciprocal.

Loneliness is trading your authenticity for a moment of connection.

Loneliness is allowing yourself to lay next to a warm body, despite knowing they’re not aligned.

Loneliness can have you assuming you’re the only one who’s ever felt like this, yet I bet you can relate to at least one of those examples I provided. If not you’ve probably seen what loneliness can do to others, even if they’ve never used the world lonely, like the examples below.

Loneliness is the bitter man across the street.

Loneliness is the serial dater.

Loneliness is the woman at the bar every night.

Sometimes loneliness is a little harder to spot, because it has a great PR package. It can even look like the examples below.

Loneliness is the woman who loves solo traveling.

Loneliness is the person who’s quick to smile at strangers.

Loneliness is the man who relentlessly pours himself into his community just to feel connected.

Loneliness is the woman who has lost all sense of identity through motherhood.

Loneliness is the coworker that’s always looking to pick up extra hours.

Loneliness is something we all have gone through, or may go through; however, we are often terrified to share, or maybe we didn’t have the language for it. Loneliness, in my opinion, occurs when we are afraid to be authentic with ourselves and others. This fear around being authentic can happen because of betrayal, trauma, or maybe just not being taught how to express yourself and your needs. You may feel you’re being needy or a burden, so you neglect your needs to maintain a positive image and the relationship. You will tell everyone “I’m fine” because they’re either not a safe space for you, or you’re not allowing them to be a safe space. In turn, we are not being authentic and authenticity is a key component to getting our needs met.

However, if you express your needs to someone and they choose not to support you, (first off that sucks and I’m sorry) you may need to demote their presence in your life. Not everyone needs to be a safe space, but everyone deserves a safe space, especially if you’ve been the safe space for others. Allow yourself to receive safety in return because you deserve someone like you too. The people you call your best friend, your chosen family, or your partner should be a safe space for you. The people who cannot fulfill that role for you, let them be an acquaintance, relative, or friend. Remember,  not everyone deserves the highest title in your life, only those who equally hold you in the same high regard and reciprocate safety.

So I’ve said a lot and even called myself out in this article (ouch), but here are some ways you can combat loneliness.

1. Write in your journal your feelings around where you are and where you’d like to be. Take it a step further a draw/visualize what you’d like connection to look like in your life.

2. Join an extra curricular activity that you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t yet - ex. swim class, dance class, cooking class. Being a beginner mixed with having fun can create an environment where you feel safe to try and be yourself.

3. Allow yourself to say the vulnerable thing to someone you feel safe with - ex. “I miss you and would like to see you soon” or “I feel alone right now, do you have the capacity to sit with me and my feelings?”

4. Give and receive good hugs. Not just the side hug or a quick pat on the back hug, but one where you pause and truly embrace one another for more than 5 seconds. Physical touch can say as much, if not more than, what words can.

5. Find a community online through a shared interest like gaming, couponing, love island, etc.

6. Light a candle, put on your favorite feel good song and dance. You can beautiful create core memories all by yourself.

7. Find a therapist, preferably one that looks like you and has a similar cultural background. A therapist can assist you in getting to the root of your issue and tools to assist you moving forward.

Lastly, because you know I love music. Even our greatest artists have shared that they’ve experienced or witnessed loneliness too. Janet Jackson (I Get Lonely), Michael Jackson (You Are Not Alone), Beyoncé (Scared of Lonely), Justin Bieber (One Less Lonely Girl), Chloe x Halle (Lonely), Demi Lovato (Lonely), Wale and Shaboozey (Lonely), etc. Don’t be ashamed, but don’t let it define you or keep you stuck. Be authentic and open, but discerning, and you’ll find community that provides you with the comfort you’ve been craving.

As always, thank you for reading and please like, comment, or share with a friend if you feel called. I plan to expand on this topic of loneliness, as well as many more. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

I received an apology recently that confirmed what I have felt about how I’m perceived, but no one has outright told me until then. I finally see myself and now I see, I can agitate people. I mean exactly what I say. I’m intentional with both my words and actions. I’m secure in who I am, even with my insecurities, and that can piss people off.

I mean, piss people off.

It can be hard being around an evolved Gemini like myself. I hold up a mirror to you; not to be petty or two faced (they love calling us two faced chile), but so you too can evolve into your desired self. I can point out your blocks if you come to me seeking advice, never to be mean, but so that you’re aware and can move past them, just as I would like for a friend to do for me. And I don’t do this just for my friends, I hold the mirror up to myself too.

Every night I pray to God to reveal and release all blocks in my life. Why? Blocks are like locks; a lock to the door you’d like to open, and all I desire is for you to understand - we hold the key! We’re the key to unlock everything we’d like to be and see. I get it takes time to understand that, I went through a lot of excavating to understand this and worldly things do get in the way, but we hold the key.

Pause. ⏸️ You’re the key to the kingdoooooom…

Play. ▶️

I want to guide people back to themselves. Even before I knew that was my purpose here on earth, I was doing it by asking “why” or sharing what I see in them - good and bad. I was an inquisitive Black girl so believe me when I say, I pissed a lot of people off, even my elders when asking infinite questions for clarity (probably the ‘tism too lol). It’s hard admitting you’re in your own way, even downright shameful for many, so I get it. It’s a lot, I’m a lot, but it’s all done in love and it is one of my greatest gifts.

I want to try an exercise with you all that I often do on myself. I want you to picture the process of cleansing a mirror - you’ll need a mirror, yourself, paper towels and windex. Think of the windex as your highest self - it is going to ask you the hard questions. Think of the paper towel as your current self - it must respond to the windex/hard questions, by wiping. The goal is after enough windex and wiping, you’ll begin to see your full and highest self in the mirror. You’ll see your highest self and release the locks/blocks, or smudges in this case, that were standing in the way.

I will go first and then you can mirror my technique. Hehe mirror. Okay let’s go!

Me: I want a midcentury modern home, but I don’t have it.

Highest Self (HS): Why?

Me: I don’t have enough money.

HS: Why?

Me: I had debt and my job doesn’t pay me enough for the rising cost of living.

HS: Why did you choose debt and a low paying job?

Me: I am not choosing debt, but this is the only job in my field that I can get.

HS: Why is it the only job?

Me: Ummmm I guess it’s not the only job, but I did apply for other jobs and didn’t get them.

HS: Did you apply for jobs that aligned with your purpose, or dreams of owning a midcentury modern home?

Me: No.

HS: Okay, let’s pivot for a second. Picture yourself in a midcentury modern home. What do you look like? What does life feel like?

Me: I feel light and at peace, no financial stress. My mornings are slow. There’s natural light flowing in my home. It is clean. I feel free to choose my days. I have my chosen family in my home with my record player on and candles burning. I have micro locs and a flowy dress on.

HS: Great. Are you doing any of that currently?

Me: Some, but not all.

HS: Why not all?

Me: I’m stuck in the cycle of my day to day life, instead of my dreams and future. It’s not enough time in the day.

HS: How can you change that?

Me: Create slow mornings. Spend more time with my chosen family. Get microlocs. Give myself just 10 minutes a day of choosing myself.

HS: Great.

Me: Yes, but that’s not getting me to my midcentury home.

HS: I understand. So what do you think you can do? Remember, YOU ARE THE KEY.

Me: I can increase my income by shifting my career to something that doesn’t have a salary cap less than what I desire. I can begin searching for a career that allows this and money. But I’m not sure that will happen for me. It happens for others, but probably not me.

HS: Why not you?

Me: I’m not sure.

HS: Again, why not you?

Me: I guess I feel that I’m not deserving or lucky enough for things like this, but other people are.

HS: Why are other people more deserving or luckier than you?

Me: Ouch. Ummm they’re not. I cannot think of a reason, so I guess they’re not.

HS: I like that. So begin believing you’re deserving of the life you desire and ask for anything! Embody it the best way you know how to today, but believe that it can happen for you tomorrow. Have fun while embodying and rest assured knowing that things will work in your favor, especially if you believe; don’t worry about the how or when, just keep trying and believing. The key is seeing and believing that the person in the mirror is more than deserving. I hope you see yourself and your desires more clearly so that they can flow to you during this transit and beyond.

Me: Thank you. I see things more clearly and my midcentury modern home feels closer now than ever.

Pause. ⏸️: I have a degree in supply chain management and one of my specialities is process improvement. Process improvement is a fancy way of saying “keep asking questions until you get to the root of the problem”. It doesn’t have to be used in manufacturing or a business, it can be used on yourself too. Keep asking why and you’ll realize you have the keys, you just needed to cleanse the mirror.

Play. ▶️

Let me know in the comments or my messages if this helped, or if you have any questions. I’d love to get your feedback.

Lastly, listen to the album, The Gift by Beyoncé and the song Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. Don’t just listen, read the lyrics and watch the visuals. That album and song has helped me hold up the mirror to myself. We are all part of something bigger, you included baby…

Until next time yall. Happy Jupiter and Venus conjunction in Cancer. May abundance flow as you cleanse the mirror and believe in yourself and your luck. As always, please like, comment or share with a friend if you feel called. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

The unworthiness wound is a tricky one. I would see people online speak about feeling unworthy and I would think to myself, wow that’s horrible, but I can’t relate… well, I think my literal thinking got in the way of understanding what unworthiness actually is. Sure, I would never flat out say, “I’m unworthy” and agree with it; however, my actions said otherwise.

My actions were a performance based on the negative self beliefs that didn’t belong to me. Oh I’m ungrateful? I will show you gratitude. Oh I’m sensitive? I will show you stoic. Oh I’m lazy? I will show you productivity. I wasn’t showing people me, I was showing people I wasn’t the labels that were placed on me; I was proving myself to man. Furthermore, proving myself actually meant, my authentic self wasn’t good enough or worthy. Again, “I’m unworthy” may not have directly come out of my mouth, nor was I told that, but actions don’t lie. OUCH. 😓

In the spirit of my birthday. I’m releasing this, especially as it pertains to becoming being a public figure. Visibility will be a big part of my life moving forward. I want to get paid to live? I must be visible. I want to inspire Black women? I must be visible. I will release any and all blocks that are standing in the way of my visibility, because that is standing in the way of my God given purpose here on Earth.

I’m Ungrateful

What I’ve shared about my life online may look good to others, but it hasn’t felt authentic to me. I’m not creating enough. I have goals that have yet to be met. My purpose is bigger than corporate America and social media. I desire to live a life that feels good and honestly, I couldn’t care less how it looks to the outside world.

In the past, I would talk myself out of asking for more or change because “it could be worse” and “I should be grateful”, but that mindset was harmful and pushed me further away from myself and from God. If it’s on my heart for more, and it’s coming from within and not from outside sources, why not give it to God to sort out on my behalf? I am a firm believer God doesn’t want us to suffer just so we appear grateful to man. That calm and constant voice that won’t let up? That’s God. Why would I not listen to God? To satisfy others ego, or due to my own fears? SMH…

I can be grateful and still ask God for more, different, alignment.

I’m absolutely grateful for the life I have created for myself thus far, but it’s time for a pivot as I yearn for more. I no longer what to hide behind my gratitude because I subconsciously feel I am not worthy of more. Yes, I may have more than some of my peers, I am doing well statistically speaking, but I’m not doing what I want to do with my life and that’s the difference.

I’m Proud to Be Sensitive

“I cannot handle criticism.” “The world is too cruel.” “I’m too weak.” This is what I would I believed as it relates to visibility online. I’ve spoken about being bullied and I’d do anything to protect that little girl again, but protection doesn’t mean hiding. I was hiding out of fear of being mocked, belittled, shamed, etc. I can protect myself by having good boundaries, a solid support group, slowly allowing new people in, expressing myself in rooms I feel safe, and walking away from anything that doesn’t serve me.

The negativity I had around my sensitivity made me feel unworthy of living a full life. A full life to me means making myself visible and taking risks knowing that God has me covered. My feelings of unworthiness showed up loudly in my career and dating. I would stay comfortable in places I know I shouldn’t, because I feared putting myself out there, taking a risk and getting hurt. I feared I would crumble at rejection because I did so often in my childhood. But now, I welcome rejection. I mean it’s not a great feeling, but rejection lets me know that room or person is not for me; rejection is a great guide once you get used to it.

I’ve endured a lot of pain because of my sensitivity, but it’s also taught me a lot about myself. I’m much more aware of people and places that don’t serve me early on. My sensitivity is a major reason why I have stellar pattern recognition and discernment. I may not always know why, but I can easily spot an unsafe person, place or thing. My sensitivity has saved my life and it will continue to do so. I don’t mind being sensitive and it can no longer be used against me. In fact, my sensitivity will help me connect with others in a genuine way. I’m not interested in clout as it pertains to being a public figure, I’m interested in connection and true connection requires sensitivity and empathy. My sensitivity, like my vulnerability, is truly a superpower and God handpicked me and so many others with it. To think I once felt one of my greatest strengths made me feel unworthy to be my authentic self saddens me, but it pushes me to go harder and lean into it in the days I have left here on Earth.

I’m Lazy Selective

I don’t have the energy, or so I thought. I’m a manifesting generator (s/o to you if you are too babes), meaning I have selective energy reserved for matters that interest me. So yes I’m “lazy” when it comes to matters that don’t interest me, but as a whole I have lots of energy. I’m energized by a wide variety of subjects that I enjoy both yapping and researching about. The mundane and typical doesn’t move me, so maybe that does make me “lazy” when it comes to having a traditional job, or the adulting responsibilities like taxes (EEEEEYUCK!), but as an overall label, it never gave lazy.

As I think about turning 33, I want my energy to be spent in places that excite me, such as travel, authentic connections and spirituality. I no longer want to be “normal” and play by the rules. Instead, I want to experience God’s goodness and miracles. I want my life to be an inspirational love story to Black women. I want Black women to use their strength and tenacity in areas that benefit them and not others. I want us to get selective in where we give our energy and let God handle the rest. It is radical and many may call us lazy, but we know who are and it’s necessary for our wellbeing. We shouldn’t exhaust ourselves to fight against the never ending stereotypes, but instead get selfish about our desires because we are worthy of all God has to offer.

Lastly, this pivot in being visible is so that I can align with opportunities and people that will energize me. I’ve always known that God’s assignment on my life is bigger than I can comprehend, but my actions yet again, showed me that I believed I was unworthy. Playing safe with my career choices, how I show up online, how I dated, etc. showed that I viewed myself as unworthy, but also my lack of belief in God. God gave me an incredible voice and healing energy, but I chose to dim it behind the safety of corporate America or a “decent” man. WOW, how insulting that must be to God. But no more…

Thirty-Free

As I close out this series and my 32nd year, I can’t help but think of some of the most iconic artists of our time. Artists feel deeply and often have a knack of expressing the things we all feel in a unique way. It can be music (my fave), dancing, painting, writing, etc., but the reason we enjoy their art, is because we see ourselves in them.

We see Beyoncé’s gratitude in the way she honors her peers and predecessors. Erykah Badu straight up told us she’s sensitive about her shit, likely because her art comes from her lived experiences. We see Michael Jackson’s work ethic in the way he would rush to the studio in hopes that Prince wouldn’t steal his creative downloads. The things that made me believe I was unworthy, are the makings of some of our greatest artists.

I’m not sure what the future holds for me, but I do know that visibility and creativity will be at the center moving forward. Why? Because I’ve finally freed myself from negative beliefs that didn’t belong to me. And what better time to do so in June, my birth month, which is all about freedom; Juneteenth, Pride, and Black Music.

It feels so damn good to be free, I mean 33 😏.

Thank you so much for being apart of this vulnerable, but necessary series. If you saw yourself in this, I hope you do the work (it’s hard, I know) to free yourself from beliefs that don’t belong to you and that are limiting your life. Feel free to like, comment and subscribe if you feel called to, or share it with a friend you believe this message will resonate with. Lastly, if you missed the other pieces in this series, they’re listed below. Until next time my friends. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Okay so boom! Anyone else grow up unable to sit still? Meaning, you’re only allowed to be still if you have a pretty dress on, or you’re on your death bed? That’s how I grew up. I am certain it is a cultural thing, but I knew once I heard that garage go up, I better be doing something productive, or else my father would shame me. And this is no shade, again, it’s likely a cultural thing. However, it’s no wonder I struggle(d) to relax and spent years feeling guilty for needing a nap. Rest = lazy.

But here’s the thing, I’m not lazy. I may be sensitive, but I’m not lazy. I worked hard to get where I am today and continue to do so. I depend on me, if I want it. 😏 Between my upbringing and the popular music in my teenage years - Destiny’s Child, Webbie, and Ne-Yo - I was conditioned to believe that in order to be a successful and desirable woman, you work hard and depend on no one. I’m not mad at that. Having good work ethic is sexy, but being well rested is too. And taking time to rest is what helps keep us healthy and sustainable as individuals.

Young Adult Years (Pre Saturn Return)

Once I was 16, my dad practically pitched my first job. He met with the manager at our favorite restaurant and said my daughter needs a job. He brought home the application, I filled it out and began working shortly after. He always told me, I will buy you a car, but you’ll be putting gas in it. He did NOT lie.

I liked working if I’m being honest, until it conflicted with after school activities. You see, I wanted to be a theater kid, a ✨star✨. I had so much fun in theater and while I struggled to find friends when I switched high schools, I did begin building relationships with some of the theater kids. I even got invited to a homecoming party, but my dad made me leave early. I am still mad about it because they had a chocolate fondue station at the party. CHOCOLATE FONDUE!!! This wasn’t a teenager alcohol infused party, it was nerds and moms who were excited to show off their baking skills. Then we were going to watch movies in their theater room - some shit I didn’t have in my house so I’m trying to see what that’s like! So yeah I’m still mad about being told I needed to come home. LOL.

Anyways, I’m rambling… but I’ve always worked hard. I even pitched my first raise to my manager at 17. I was scared, but I did it. I worked so much they would have to tell me to stop coming in because I was about to hit 40hrs.

Fast forward to college, even though I worked my ass off to secure a full tuition scholarship, as well as additional scholarships, I worked as a nanny. Highkey, I was rich in college because my money was MY money. In the summers, I held down an internship with a Fortune 500 company, even securing a full time job before I started my senior year of college. I clearly was not lazy, yet the summer after college I told myself this is my summer and I’m not going to start my full time job til August - I unfortunately was shamed for wanting a summer. I have my whole life to work, I’ve worked consistently and barely ask for things, instead, I began internalizing what was being said and thought, maybe I am lazy… 🤔💭

Pause. ⏸️ So lazy I bought my own home the following summer, the day before my 23rd birthday, with the help of God and myself. It’s hilarious now looking back and realizing I never fit the projections and labels placed intentionally, or unintentionally, on me.

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Saturn Return?

Lots of life happened in between there, but this is an article, not a book. I will save that for my autobiography hehe 😉.

It’s my 28th birthday and for the first time ever, I got the birthday blues. I sobbed uncontrollably my entire birthday. I didn’t want to see a soul. I ignored all phone calls and texts. Why? Because I did everything “right”, yet I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be. I looked at my life and couldn’t believe it. I had “more” at 23 than I did at 28. I had a home at 23, I had a one bedroom apartment at 28. I didn’t have debt at 23, I had credit card debt at 28. My friends were getting married and having children, but I’m on my 100th first date. I played by the rules and it got me nowhere, except crying on my birthday.

After crying and feeling sorry for myself, 2 days later I created the business I kept putting off for the last 5 years. Without thinking, I swiped my credit card to file a trademark, create a website and began looking for the right vendors. On November 20, 2021 my website was live. I financially started my own business. I drove Lyft to help offset the cost, even after working 10hrs a day in my corporate job. I wanted it REAL bad, no matter the cost. I would attend local popups to sell my clothing. Photoshoot after photoshoot, ad after ad, business course after business course… I felt the greatest high from sharing my why behind shetriedHER. I was all in, until it came crashing down in February of 2022. I hit complete burnout.

Pause. ⏸️ I miss running my business and I cannot wait to get back to it. In the meantime, I still have pieces if you’d like to purchase online at shetriedHER.com

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I remember days on end where I couldn’t perform at work. I would stare at the screen unable to respond to simple emails or IMs, not to mention, my actual work. How could I, the girl who was an honor roll student, graduated cum laude, consistently climbing the corporate ladder, etc.? Freeze?! I had worn myself out trying to do it all, but who else was going to do it? And when I couldn’t perform at work, it affected how I showed up for my business as well.

The thing was, I was nearing burnout before my business and didn’t know. The demands at work grew increasingly and I would often work 60 hour weeks, so my business became the void in my life I was trying to fill. Since relationships weren’t working for me, why not go all in on a business?! I remember telling one of my best friends I need a relationship or a hobby, because I have nothing once I’m not working. That is exactly why I did it. I needed my business to be successful to prove my worth. Remember, I have an unworthiness wound. If I can’t prove my worth through marriage and children, maybe a successful business will do the trick. Maybe I will be fulfilled. Maybe the elders in my family won’t question me about marriage or what’s next, because I will be running a profitable business…

Instead, I became exactly what most people fear, a failure. The girl who always had it together, quit her job because she quite literally couldn’t perform, began driving Lyft full time to make ends meet and at 29 years old for the first time since I was a child, I asked people for help financially. I felt worthless, shameful and lazy. The burnout didn’t end when I quit my job either, it actually showed me just how exhausted I’d been. I’d been performing to prove I wasn’t the labels placed on me 20 plus years ago, that I completely shutdown. I was similar to a computer that had been running without ever being turned off. Sure a quick restart may help, but I needed a full shutdown, updates, repairs, etc

Pause. ⏸️ Wanna know what’s even funnier about this? It wasn’t my Saturn return. I assumed it was given my age and my friends also being in theirs, but nope. My Saturn is at 0 degrees Pisces, and if you know anything about the planets, there’s usually a a short window of time that Saturn will enter the upcoming sign before completing its final moments in the current sign; like a precursor. And what do ya know? I was born during that short window. So my life was shitty and it wasn’t even in the official shitty season. I had a full blown meltdown learning this, I kid you not LOL. I will say, years 28-29 was so horrible that my actual Saturn return was a breeze lol.

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Anyways, in years 30-32, my actual Saturn return, I learned a lot about myself. I began unpacking things such as the wounds I carried and where they stemmed from. I learned the art of slowing down. I held tighter to my childlike joy. I forgave myself. I didn’t let fear control me like it used to. I somewhat stopped performing (it’s hard okay, but dammit I’m trying). I’m grateful for the lessons my Saturn return taught me.

To those who are in it, or may be going through it soon: Yes it’s scary and it can feel like your life is upending, but wouldn’t you rather release all the blocks that are stopping you from your desired life?! Oh, just me? But that is what your Saturn return is baby. 🫂

Post-Saturn Return

I’m only a few months into my post-Saturn return, but so far so great. I mean I have my days; however, I love it here. Here are a few things I hope to accomplish in the next few years.

1. Get comfortably paid to exist through my creative outlets (writing, traveling, and yapping).

2. Create a life that allows for breaks without the fear of financial ruin.

3. Hang up my hyper-independence badge to allow more receiving.

In conclusion, I’m FAR from lazy. That label never described me, but it did build me into the woman I am today; good and bad. Like anything negative thrown my way, I’ve learned to question and alchemize it. My laziness has created a beautiful life for myself, lessons and pain included. Now I will stop trying to prove that I’m not lazy and actually get “lazy” aka rest, by asking, trusting and receiving God’s goodness.

I’m curious as I begin closing out this series:

1. Are there any labels unfairly placed on you? Write them down.

2. Do you agree with them? Why, or why not?

3. How have they affected you? Both negatively and positively. Write out the pros and cons of each label placed on you.

Thanks so much for being here. Please read the other articles in this series; as well as my most popular to date. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

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Frustrated with myself for not having the energy to write and edit articles for Substack.

Frustrated with not editing and creating content for my YouTube.

Frustrated with the how it’s all going to work out.

Frustrated with feeling like I have to figure it out on my own…

Pause. ⏸️ I probably need to touch grass again.

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But then I remembered, if I want to get paid to live, I first must live. It’s never going to be the perfect time, or amount of time. The imperfection and messy journey is exactly what my target audience will need. If it’s perfect, my target audience may feel it’s not attainable.

I want my life to be a love letter to Black women.

I want them to try to go after their dreams and embrace the journey.

I want them to know they’re not alone when the fear or exhaustion sets in.

I want Black women to thrive despite it all.

I want Black women to experience consistent joy.

Then I remembered, I have a whole creative project dropping soon that came solely from me living my life and not forcing it. And guess how I did it? With help! It’s in someone else’s hands at the moment being edited, so I can’t physically see it, but I’m over here stressing like I don’t have a timed project on the way. Also, I never give y’all deadlines for this reason.

Chile, let me chill out, watch some housewives and play games on my phone. I’m clearly tripping.

Until next time my friends…

I hope I inspired you to chill out. It’s gone be alright baby.

Note that when I say you - it’s a certain archetype of a person - not just one specific person. If you get it, you get it, if you know, you know…

And guess what? This worked on me for a while, but I grew old and tired and realized, I too should start being selfish. Maybe see why you’re so damn happy all the time. And it worked. I listened to my body when it said no, and found joy and peace like it was Christmas.

Pause ⏸️ On the eighth day of Christmas, my baby gave to meeeee.

Play ▶️

I soon welcomed the isolation you used to punish me. Through isolation I found my voice and who I was before you. I also found my imagination again and saw a future version of me that was free from judgement and perception. And my God she’s better than I imagined. Each day I look in the mirror and see how beautiful I am. While yes I’m fine as fuck - but I see ME. I see a fairy like warrior princess. I see a beautiful unicorn. I see a heart full of gold. I see me. I love me. I found me through the prison you caged me in.

Hell, is this a thank you note to my haters? lol might as well be.

But honestly, I found myself because I had to find out why would you harm me? Why would you betray me? Why would lie on my name? I needed to know why so I could “fix” me and get back to the love you once had for me.

Was it my smile?

Was it my laughter?

Was it my championing of you?

Was it my mental health?

Was it my passion for justice and equality?

Was it my love of Black women?

Was it my sensitivity?

Was it my need for naps?

Was it my ambition?

Was it my voice?

Was it simply, me?

WELL WTF IS IT?! (Doechii voice) I finally settled on hate.

Boy did that take a while to unpack. Hate? Why would someone want to hate me and hurt me when I genuinely show love? I thrive on my people being happy. And you took it upon yourself to “HUMBLE” me?! It was a lot of grief. A lot of tears you didn’t deserve to see and use against me.

But now, you have created a monster. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. 😈

Because wow my power. I’ve met so many of you mfs with this mindset. Which means I’m living rent free in some of yalls minds. Which means bitch I might as well go fucking harder and get paid for this shit. Get my midcentury modern home with this shit. Get me and my girls that yacht on the Amalfi coast with this shit. Call me Megan Thee Stallion. Call me Olandria. Call me Beyoncé. Call me Cardi B. Call me Angel Reese. Call me Doechii. I’m a confident big booty ass Black diva - word to Webbie. You may try, but you can’t stop the love for us. We are threatening the status quo and every average Joe.

CALL ME CHAKA KHAN CAUSE I’M EVERY WOMAN IN THIS BITCH.

Fuck! I done hit a flow state.

But having multiple people try and knock you down even when you weren’t even up? Then recruiting people to antagonize you. It’s giving fan club. Shit not every fan is a hater, but every hater is a fan. 🤏🏾🤏🏾

Pause ⏸️ Anything for Selenas… fuck Yolanda FAHEVA. Wasn’t she the number one fan?

Play ▶️

Getting close to see if I’m real and once you find out it’s real, you provoke me. Well baby - war ain’t new to me, that’s why I’m at peace. I fought hard to never be like you mfs. You may try, but you’ll never win the battle.

Pause ⏸️ Damn I’m feeling myself. I’m feeling myself. I’m feeling my - WORLD STOP. CARRY ON!

Play ▶️

Yeah writing this has me confirming I probably am autistic. I mean I know I am - I just don’t publicly say it because I’m so autistic I never want to be made out a liar since I technically haven’t gotten an assessment, but also like MY mind. It’s all over the place while simultaneously connecting all the dots. I hear a song in damn near every bar - I mean each sentence I write. UGH I NEED TO GET IN THE MF STUDIO ASAP.

But back to why I fear success. Because while I see success, I see the potential cost of it through those women. Just this week, more hate for Meg. LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE. Because my God she ain’t trying to hurt nobody. She’s just trying to do the best she can. Happy on her own, with her friends, without a man.

Pause ⏸️ I’M WARNING EVERYBODY SOON AS I GET IN THIS BODY. I WON’T LET GO OF THIS BODY. I’M GONNA LOVE ON ME. NOBODY CAN JUDGE ME - BUT ME. I WAS BORN FREEEEEE.

yep, this calls for another playlist.

Play ▶️ Listen here!

What’s crazy is this Scorpio full moon that we have going on is all about a rebirth. And yeah this is a rebirth alright. I’m releasing that fear around success. Like yes, with stepping fully into my power, my power (there go the tism and yall mfs need to stop sleeping on the Gift). While it may hurt to see the hate, especially in regard to who it comes from at times, but in 2021 I experienced my greatest betrayal. I think I can handle anything anyone else throws my way. I must stay the course. God has been preparing me for the elevation through the hate.

Fame, while scary even saying it aloud right now (I’m blushing), has always been something I knew would happen for me. From modeling classes, singing solos in the church choir, Disney auditions, I’ve wanted this since I was a child. The hate is what made me stop. The hate weighed heavily on me so I put the crown down. I tried to play it safe. But I can’t anymore, no matter how heavy it is. I’m betting fully on me. And the best part about it, my “safe” life is still satisfactory, especially from the nosebleeds.

Pause ⏸️ I look good from the nosebleeds bitch. If you ain’t offended you ain’t know me BITCH. Doechii ugh I swear she has activated something in me the last 6 years. She even liked my post below. Do you know how affirming it is to have someone whose words that have carried you, like YOUR art, YOUR vulnerability?! 🥹🥲 I was going to keep this on the low, but let me talk a lil shit to remind myself.

Play ▶️

And that’s the thing about isolation. Isolation reminded me of my creativity. The radio-o-o saved me when I had no one. Isolation built up my resistance to not being liked. I figure if you ain’t gone like me, I might as well do what I can do to make myself happy. I also quickly learned, you mfs ain’t pleased at all cause you mfs are afraid of the mirror. I’m not. I was talking to the WOman in the mirror. The mirror was all I had left - I HAD to make that shit pretty. That’s the beauty of isolation. That’s the beauty of no audience.

Pause ⏸️ You stop giving a fuck because no one gave a fuck. If you don’t give a damn, I don’t give a fuck.

Play ▶️

But guess what happened when I stopped giving a fuck, a lot of people gave a fuck about what I had to say. Yes the hate was loud, but the love was real and steady. Volume doesn’t equate to being right or numbers, it is simply noise. I mean have you seen AmeriKKKa? America? America has a problem. But I get love on a daily, more than you’d ever seen in your life. And that’s what lets me know I gotta keep going. And if the hate ever gets too loud, I guess like Megan thee Stallion right now - that real and authentic love gets even louder. Besides, you gotta have haters. Word to Katt Williams - that man is anointed fr! Also, if everyone is satisfied, it’s a cult.

Pause ⏸️ Are yall watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I wanna see what yall think about Amanda. Is she running a cult, or is she simply a money queen? If you made it this far and you watch - let me know in the comments!

Play ▶️

And while I like cult documentaries, I’m not interested in starring in one.

Anyways, welcome to my mind at 11:38pm on a Friday night. I hope you laughed and this awakened that dog in you that’s been lying dormant. We need you, YOU NEED YOU!

So, it’s Saturday night, meaning the real true weekend night before back to the 9-5… womp womp womp. And I say fuck the diet and gym, I’m ordering pizza and ima be on the weed. So I watch wicked, but later I feel called to hear Upgrade U. I get all into honey in the mirror like I’m Issa. No, deadass. I’m deadass 😏 lol iykyk

Anyways, let me get to the point. I listen to the lyrics and I’m like wait. That’s me! I’m an Upgrade U woman. My mind quite literally exploded and I was like wait - I really do be upgrading these niggas.

I started thinking about the men I dated and yeah, I upgrade u niggas.

Let me give you some details because I’m not being cocky, I just have the data to back it up. I upgrade u niggas.

I think of an ex in college, terrible boyfriend BTW, but when he was with me, his mom called me thanking me because his son had his best grades this semester. He was two years ahead of me. I upgrade u niggas.

I think of a few who got the job because of me. Trust me, they’re smart men or I wouldn’t have fucked with them, but they may not have gotten the job without me. I will help you recognize your power. I will practice the interview with you. I pray a specific prayer for you to get the job. I only want the best for you so whatever I can do to ensure you win, I will do it. I upgrade u niggas.

So now that you get the message, you see why “I’m known to walk alone, but I’m alone for a reason? Sending me a drink at appeasing. Believe me. Come harder this won’t be easy. Don’t doubt yourself, trust me, you need me.”

But seriously, do you know why I’m alone for a reason?

This pussy is powerful. I’m protecting you and myself. I’m serious. I didn’t always know this. Chiiiiiile I’m hard headed, but also I had a lot of generational unlearning to do. It’s some I’m still embarrassed about. He who shall not be named. 🤫 any Harry Potter fans?

I even tried having a friend with benefits and I had to lie and tell him my favorite position is from the back. Why? Cause the nigga was falling in love and I didn’t need us to lock eyes… iykyk. I’m gone change your life if I really lock in. Ima make him tap out if I really tap iiiiin 😜. S/O to Lizzo. And I picked you as a friends with benefits for a reason… it was never gonna be you. Harsh, but true.

Okay so back to the song. Bey and Jay were doing some fun tennis like storytelling in this song. They were both trying to impress each other, but to take it a step further, they’re on the same level. He matches her fly. They’re equally yoked. See how everything was so high end and expensive, we kids didn’t know what they were saying? Oh. Or was that just me mumbling Audemars Piguet watch? Cause baby I didn’t know what they were saying, but what I do know now is I’m trying to play tennis like Bey and Jay. I don’t mean financially, though that would be dope. I mean what’s better than 1 Black billionaire? TWOOOOOO.

I mean, I want someone who will not only match where I’m at, but match my desire for more. That’s how courting/dating/talking should be. We should be playing tennis. Showing we can match drive, generosity, sexually, financially, etc. Time and discernment will reveal authenticity, because the signs will be there if they’re inauthentic. Don’t ignore them! Please, listen to your body.

Which also means, STAND UP! Stop seeing potential in these niggas when you know you gone upgrade a nigga life. It ain’t just your pussy, it’s what comes with it. And with it, with me, gone have our kids saying “I ain’t seen a ceiling in my whole life”. Word to Blue, free styling like.

As an Upgrade U woman, I’m upgrading my own life, so if you gone come around here, you better not slow me down. Instead, I expect you to get me there faster because for you, I absolutely will. I’m gonna Cater 2 U. It’s fuck these men yes, but I’m a true lover girl once I commit. Shamelessly too.

Pause ⏸️. Reminds me of Meg - I cannot cater to these niggas, but I love some Bey. I gotta regulate these niggas like I’m Warren G.

Pause again ⏸️. I should make a playlist.

Upgrade U Playlist on Apple Music

Play. ▶️

If you’re an Upgrade U woman, don’t let anybody enter your womb, whether they’re impregnating you or not. Because we women are creators and multipliers; anything you receive from a man, you’ll multiply. Meaning wherever his high is, is where he’ll eventually bring you. So bring the man who is your equal. Who is in your tax bracket. Who is in your goal bracket. Who is in your travel bracket. Who is in your sex bracket. Who is in your emotional tax bracket. Who is in your looks bracket… LOL but seriously.

You may laughing but I’m serious. If you dated down looks wise, just know you run the risk of them pissing you off. And nothing will piss you off more than somebody ugly pissing you off. I know from experience. 😭

If you know you come with upgrades well past the material, don’t be laid up with any ol body. Seriously. Cause trust, the type of woman you are, men would see it as a come up to be tied to you with a child… yeah I said it, yeah I said it. Hey Riri.

Funny story. One time when I went out, someone asked me why I don’t have kids. I drunkingly said cause this is a million dollar womb.

Pause. ⏸️ She got that million dollar. Let me add that to the playlist.

Play. ▶️

I was just joking, but even my jokes honor how sacred my womb is. To run the risk of anything happening to my womb, you’re not just anybody-body. Ahaaaa. I carry the key to the next generation. I’m not interested in taking chances with that power. I want better for them and if you’re not elevating me, the next generation will be impacted by that, be it financially or emotionally. There’s so much power in who you surround yourself with, from coworkers to the person who has access to your womb; meaning that person better be a damn good one. Cause the wrong one will have you on the wrong journey. You can always reroute, but the faster you do, the faster you get back on track.

Gone and marinate on that a little bit…

Pause. ⏸️ OutKast please if yall do a tour together it would make my inner child elated. OutKast is what made roadtrips with my dad fun. It’s not just music, it’s a core memory of when times were much simpler.

Play. ▶️

I got a little emotional there. Must be the weed.

Note: when I say womb I don’t just mean for fertility. It’s simpler than that. Good sex breeds good results, gender neutral. Why? Because it lingers and you become lighter, more creative, more feminine. But bad sex, breeds bad results. A woman like you deserves to be worshipped for all you do for yourself and for others. You’re the glue to the friendship group kind of woman. You’re their mama don’t ever wanna let you go type of woman. U upgrade these niggas. He knows you do a lot, the least he can do is give you what you can’t give yourself sexually. Especially in the beginning. It only goes downhill, so please get yourself someone who doesn’t want to fuck you, but who lives to please you. Is that my worship kink speaking? Hehe.

No, but seriously it can all go downhill and even with Bey and Jay, or once upon a time did. So how down is your hill gone be? The higher the hill, the higher you fall yes, but the more protected the hill, the less likely you’ll fall far. And know that no one is immune to love life problems. Let’s not forget to mention, Jay didn’t want to go Eric Benét. He would do anything to have his queen back, even if the house is on fire. He knows there is no one like her. She’s UNIQUE, she’s Beyoncé. I mean think about it, he REALLY knows Bey. Very few have access to her and even fewer have access to her womb, her creativity. He understands her value.

“I can do for you what Martin did for the people. Ran by the men, but the women keep the temple. It’s very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal. Still play my part but let you take the lead role.”

Like yes I’m here encouraging you to pursue your dreams, because I’m here for you. I’m here for all of you and I will protect us; temple, prayer, spiritual protection. I upgrade u niggas.

So what I’m saying is this. Even if “oh it’s just sex”, be selective in who that is because they have access to your womb, especially if you’re capable of a pregnancy.

And I’m not innocent. I have been with the wrong type of many of times, but it’s nothing but the grace of God (and protection) and even if I got got, I wasn’t gone stay got. Believe that. I guess you know where I stand politically reading this. Cause it ain’t nothing but the grace of God some people ain’t had to make that choice. We all got that one or two where we thank God we got away cleanly. Imagine if you didn’t, bet you’d hate to lose that option. No matter how careful you are, there’s always a tiny room for error and what if that error happened when so and so entered your womb.

I’m rambling again…

I’m conclusion, stay selective about who gets access to you period, but especially the one you choose to give access to your pussy. Please. That is your creative portal. You deserve pleasure that ascends. You’re what makes a home a home.

Pause. ⏸️ Hey Siri, play Home by KenTheMan.

Play. ▶️

Last thing - if you’re like, but you don’t understand. The d? The tongue? I do. Please start self pleasuring more. You’ll get some real good post nut clarity once you get to know yourself. “Oops” by Tweet is a great beginner’s guide.

Anyways, I have a feeling this is going to reach a new audience. So when it does, I just want to say:

Happy Black Women’s History Month to my music faves:

Bey - I won’t tell anyone if you mail me flowers. I know that is the only way we get to talk to you. Boundaries. Period! 💐 Oh and can we get the gift on vinyl? Bigger deserves so much more.

Solange - girl, you are so cool. I also appreciated what you did in Houston last June. I took my grandpa to zydeco night and he loved it. I took my dad to see the Clark sisters and that amazing saxophonist. You did that!

Doechii - I hope all the Black women feel this shit is the type of time I’m on. Also, thank you for introducing me to the Artist’s Way, it changed my life. 🫶🏾

Meg - I’m so happy for you and proud of you. The epitome of Katt Williams’ 14 to 16 haters. Cause it ain’t nothing but hate at this point. Tea is, that’s what makes her powerful… Truly, from one Texas girl to another.

Thanks for enjoying this very authentic piece. No seriously, this was a high brain dump. But if it flops, it flops. But if it ascends, it ascends. 😌 There’s beauty in no, or a small audience. I still have to remind myself of it. If you too have a fear of being seen authentically here on Substack, check out the article below. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

https://open.substack.com/pub/thebrianadionne/p/the-beauty-of-no-audience?r=2is9ez&utm_medium=ios

I often close my eyes and think what does comfort look like to me.

It looks like breath that flows easily.

It looks like time outdoors being held by the wind.

It looks like floating in water as the sun sparkles on my skin.

It looks like having the time and capacity to sit through difficult emotions.

It looks like the freedom to take a break.

It looks like more time spent in the kitchen dancing.

It looks like karaoke nights with my favorite people.

It looks like a partner who offers safety outside of myself.

It looks like my children running outside as I sip my morning coffee.

It looks like sunlight peeking through my home.

It looks like a home filled with art from my travels and photos of my favorite people

It looks a home that is clean, yet lived in.

It sounds like birds chirping and butterflies whizzing by.

It smells like freshly baked bread that doesn’t trigger my IBS.

It sounds and smells like an amber oud wood-wick candle burning.

It means I can easily afford a luxurious trip overseas to experience new people and art.

It means that unexpected expenses can easily be handled.

It means my finances have room for seasons of rest and restoration.

It means I can create from the heart and not desperation.

It means when people ask my financial status, I say, “I’m comfortable”.

Comfortable to me has no number, though money is essential.

Comfortable to me means a healthy balance of freedom and security.

It means I can have the material and the spiritual.

It means I can be of assistance to my community, as they are to me.

I simply want to be comfortable.

I wrote this in between meetings. I guess it’s a poem, or an essay, or just a journal entry. Chile, I don’t know! 🤷🏾‍♀️ Anyways, what does comfort look like to you? I’d like to hear all about it in the comments. Until next time 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Pause. ⏸️ Thank you for reading the second part of my series “Negative Beliefs that Didn’t Belong to Me”. If you haven’t read the first part, please do (see link below). I realized I carry an unworthiness wound, built from 3 different negative self beliefs that started in childhood: 1. I’m ungrateful, 2. I’m sensitive, 3. I’m lazy. After I write about each of these, I will tie them all together in Part 4, where I will explain how these built my unworthiness wound. My goal here is to share how I’ve released these negative self beliefs and the unworthiness wound in hopes of connecting with others who may share, or shared, similar beliefs and wounds. In this article we will go into depth about the second negative self belief projected unto me: I’m sensitive.

Play. ▶️

The statement “You’re sensitive!” was something I heard more times than I can count, and honey, I can count. Often times, what would accompany that statement was “You can’t take a joke!”. Like any other child developing, you believe any authority figure, especially the man raising you. I grew up a daddy’s girl. I wanted to be wherever he was. My dad was my best friend. I didn’t go a day without speaking to him when my parents were together and when they split. However, there was a side to him I bore witness to as I grew up, that stunted me until I was 31.

The thing about me being told “you’re sensitive!” is that, it’s actually true. I’m very sensitive. I’m sensitive to sounds. I’m sensitive to touch. I’m sensitive to what people say about me and others. This negative self belief is the most complex of the three, because it’s true. This truth was unfortunately weaponized against me, causing me to 1. silence my true feelings and 2. not stand up for myself because, they’re not the problem, my sensitivity is. Right? Wrong. His covert ways of silencing me through these blanket statements stemming from the shame around his sensitivity, made me the perfect target for the bullies I’d soon meet in school and the dating woes as young woman.

Childhood Bullying

I’ve spoke about childhood bullying a time or two on here, but not in depth. Childhood bullying did a number on me, especially during ages 9-12. If your safest space doesn’t allow you to express hurt feelings without resolve and labels you something negative, you can imagine my self esteem outside of the home. Self esteem, according to Merriam Webster, is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself. I was not confident or satisfied with myself. My feelings were negated and even mocked by my God given protector. So when I showed up to school, I did not show up confidently; I showed up hoping to appease people. I was the perfect prey for children who likely did not have control in their home and were seeking control outside of it.

The worst wasn’t the bullying, it was the betrayal; friends who chose the “cool kids” over me. At 32, I understand it was social survival for them, but as a child, I couldn’t understand how they could not only abandon our friendship, but for people who actively sought to hurt me for simply existing. Some of these weren’t just friends, our families were friends, we’d been around each other since we were in diapers... Then they’d try to stick up for my bullies while offering advice as to how I can appease them. News flash - it didn’t work. Not to mention, they never once tried to get my bullies to stop, making me feel at fault for how I was being treated. Furthering the belief that my sensitivity is the problem.

Comedic Relief

At age 12, I did find something that worked. Comedy. I remember praying before going into middle school for a shift, a change as I entered a new chapter. Then God reminded me, I am good at making people laugh. I didn’t know it at the time, but I also had incredible pattern recognition. I would practice scripts in my head of what to say if they said something about me - I still do this.

Pause. ⏸️ That is a real dash. I’m a real human. It’s taken me nearly two weeks to write this, because it’s unpacking pain that I still carry. Just had to put that out there in the age of AI.

Play. ▶️

I often could predict who would say what, so I had to stay ready. I even had some “jokes” to say back to them, should it get to that point. Killing them with kindness didn’t work in elementary, but killing them with laughter? It worked, especially if I was making fun of myself, which made middle school a lot easier. I got pretty good at self deprecating jokes, that’s what seemed to work best and honestly, I’d much rather make fun of myself than someone else. You know, the “if you can’t beat em, join em mentality”. Many would laugh and they soon realized, I’m much funnier than them trying to spew hate. Making myself the butt of the joke was great for survival, but I had to unlearn that in my mid twenties.

Not to mention, I got into a scuffle in the spring before middle school and people realized that I could fight. Momma said don’t ever hit someone first, but if they hit you, you hit em back to protect yourself. And when the opportunity presented itself, those hits back weren’t just for the girl who started it, it was for everyone else that hurt me. I suppose that’s why I won, lots of suppressed anger. No one ever said anything to me directly, but I do remember thinking maybe they don’t mess with me anymore - they’re scared of me. Shit, I’d take it!

New Kid on the Block

My sophomore year of high school, I decided to move with my dad which resulted in me going to a new school. I will never forget that first day of school when lunch time came and I didn’t know a soul. It was scary. Where do I sit? I began panicking. Everyone knew everyone. I wanted a fresh start at a new school, but I realized I was emotionally unprepared for said change. Thankfully, I had a crutch; my dad was a teacher at my high school, so I had lunch with him. I did this a few times, but I was embarrassed, so I forced myself to try going to the cafeteria again. I ended up sitting by myself and a group of girls asked if I wanted to sit with them. I gleefully did for the rest of the semester.

I made friends here and there throughout high school, but it wasn’t until I was a junior that I had friends to go to homecoming with. They weren’t my besties, but they were somebody I could call a friend for the first time in well over a year.

My senior year though, it all changed for the better. I met my best friend and she was new too. We instantly bonded and I remember feeling excited and uncomfortable when she asked if I wanted to hangout over the weekend. I’d gotten used to being a loner and I was scared I was going to fuck it up. She was new too and I hoped she didn’t think I could help her make friends. Everyone knew me as Mr. [Redacted]’s daughter - having no identity of my own, so I feared she would be disappointed in being my friend, considering I had little social currency. Fast forward, I didn’t fuck it up. We are still best friends to this day. I’m her kids’ TT Bri. She is literal family. We even have matching tattoos lol. She made me feel safe, seen and loved and even healed the wound of betrayal I had carried from years prior. I love you ES. 🫶🏾

Leaving the Nest

As mentioned in Part 1, I went to college 12 hours away. Despite my dating woes, I blossomed in friendships. There were a few so called friends who tried it, but for the most part, I had friends. Real friends. After college, I continued to nourish those relationships and created more.

Now, I damn near have too many friends. Younger me wouldn’t believe it! It’s hard to keep up with people that I love, go to work, take care of myself and work on my dreams, but I still hear “you’re sensitive!” and “you can’t take a joke!”, even in friendships that I’ve had for over ten years.

Last year, a best friend of mine hurt my feelings. I knew I had to tell her, but I didn’t know how. How do I say, “hey can you like my posts?” It sounds silly and elementary, but I noticed her absence in my posts. On my stories, she was active. On my actual posts, she was not and I was trying to grow my YouTube channel and TikTok presence. After weeks of letting it stir in me, I brought it up and despite the years and depth of friendship, I prepared myself mentally for the friendship to change or stop because I thought “I’m just being sensitive”. I even said to myself, “who would want to be friends with someone who gets in their feelings over social media?” My best friend was so gentle with me and apologized that it was coming across that way and we talked through it like mature adults who value our friendship and feelings. She even followed it up with changed behavior regarding my social media - a real apology.

Afterwards, it healed the wound in me that I cannot speak up for myself without being dismissed emotionally or physically. It also showed me that genuine apologies can exist and aren’t full of the perfect words and empty promises so I can quickly move on and shut-up. I share this story because this is a self belief that I still have to work on, but at 31, my best friend helped me rewrite the story around apologies and speaking up for myself. I love you VM. 🫶🏾

Pause. ⏸️ Whew! This one was not easy because I couldn’t write my truth without protecting those who didn’t protect me. I may face backlash or triangulation for this, but I guess that’s the price I’d have to pay. This is the hardest negative belief because it’s not wrong, but it took time for me to acknowledge and release the shame around my sensitivity. I know I’m not ungrateful. I know I’m not lazy. But I am sensitive and that is okay.

My sensitivity is what makes my love deeper. My sensitivity is what makes me feel connected in nature. My sensitivity helps me to fully see others and their gifts. My sensitivity is what reminds me that I’m a human having a human experience. I’m honored to still hold my sensitivity in high regard in a cold and volatile world; a strength few have.

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I will leave you with these questions to journal and ponder

1. What is a strength of yours that was once used as a weakness or a negative self belief?

2. Who gave you that negative self belief? Write their name(s) down.

3. Write a letter to those people releasing this negative self belief. Afterwards, store it or burn it. Your choice.

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I will be back soon with part 3 of this series with “I’m Lazy”, but as always, thank you for reading. If you feel called to like, comment, or share this with someone this may resonate with, please do. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Pause. ⏸️ Before I get started, I want to start off by saying this will be a 4 part series. I realized I carry an unworthiness wound, built from 3 different negative self beliefs that started in childhood: 1. I’m ungrateful, 2. I’m sensitive, 3. I’m lazy. After I write about each of these, I will tie them all together in Part 4, where I will explain how these built my unworthiness wound. My goal here is to share how I’ve released these negative self beliefs and the unworthiness wound, in hopes of connecting with others who may share, or shared, similar beliefs and wounds.

Play. ▶️

Formative Years

“You’re ungrateful!” a statement that I often heard in my upbringing when I expressed my dislike or disinterest in something. It could be as simple as mentioning my dislike of sweet potatoes (sorry yall, I don’t like them - healthy or unhealthy), or if I was gifted a Lil Romeo album even though I was team Lil Bow Wow (I will still stand on Lil Romeo being cuter though). In order to appease my elders, I politely smiled and showed gratitude, while silencing my true feelings. I learned it was better to do this, than to express myself, because expressing myself would turn into lectures of how there are other children who receive nothing that would be grateful to have some sweet potatoes or a new cd, or worse - I deserve nothing if I keep it up. This made me internalize, maybe I am ungrateful, because I do receive nice things; it may not be what I wanted, but something is better than nothing. Right?

The truth of the matter was, it wasn’t that I was unhappy with receiving gifts, I was unhappy because this isn’t what I wanted and my elders were well aware of my likes and dislikes. These examples are minuscule as an adult, but as a child they are huge and your elders are your Gods. If your elders say you’re ungrateful when you speak up, well then, you’re ungrateful. Also, talking back? What’s that? Not allowed in my household growing up. I’m ungrateful and that’s final.

Teenage Years

Like any ordinary teen, I tried expressing myself more. Sometimes expressing myself meant, I don’t agree with one’s opinion. When trying to speak up like the young woman I was becoming, I was shot down and yet again told “you’re ungrateful!” and/or “after all I do for you?!”. I knew it didn’t make sense to be labeled ungrateful for simply having a difference of opinion, but you hear something enough without proper dialogue and resolve, our minds have no choice but to believe it. Me disagreeing didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful, or didn’t love them, it simply meant I didn’t agree with that specific opinion. Just as a child, I realized having a difference of opinion would result in anger from my elders, so to keep the peace, I swallowed their words in silence.

Young Adult Years

Once I left home, I was free to rebel, or so I thought. I went to college 12 hours away just to fall into a familiar chaos with a man. He felt like home I used to tell myself, not realizing, that’s not always a good thing. Home is comfortable, but home for me meant: I’m ungrateful, I’m sensitive, I’m lazy. Funny enough, he didn’t have to say those things to me because I was determined to prove to him and myself I wasn’t what my elders projected unto me. I sang his praises because I truly was grateful for the scraps he gave me. Here’s the thing, all that “I’m ungrateful” talk programmed me to appreciate any and everything from someone. I was overjoyed to receive a gift, even if it came after an argument where I was put down. A Valentine’s card a day late? Hey, at least he got me one and it’s on sale; something is better than nothing. A blanket apology instead of a genuine apology followed by changed behavior? Hey, at least he apologized. He was flirting with someone else? At least he didn’t sleep with her. See how programming me to simply be grateful led me to accepting shit with a smile? If I had been more sure of who I am, who I’m not, what I deserve and what I don’t deserve, I may not have subjected myself to a familiar chaos. But that’s neither here nor there, as I learned some valuable lessons about myself.

Post Frontal Lobe Years - Dating

I dated a lot after 25, A LOT. Each man I encountered, I put my best foot forward aka being grateful for the crumbs, or lack thereof. You know, “fucking the texts man for texts” type shit. Yeah that tweet humbled the hell out of me. I wasn’t fucking them all, but the fact that a text was currency to me then… EEEEEYUCK! But why wouldn’t it be? My conditioning made me look for anything to be grateful for, even a measly text.

Dating, in my opinion, is one of the best ways to see yourself. You say you love yourself, but your actions say otherwise. You say you love yourself, but your partner fucking hates you. You can’t love yourself! I didn’t love, or know, myself at all. I simply moved through life with the belief that I’m ungrateful, so to prove I’m not, I’d tell myself “it’s not that bad” or “he doesn’t owe me anything anyways”. This type of thinking is exactly why I was single for 8 years, I wasn’t even allowing the bare minimum to be met and when it wasn’t, I made excuses for them, instead of cutting contact.

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The Catalyst Year - 31

An ex I’ve mentioned here a few times, drunkingly berated me for days on vacation and when I chose to walk away from his chaos, he said “people go through worse”. What do you mean by that? You tried throwing every insecurity of mine in my face and called me out of my name, while I was sick. So what was worse? I never asked by the way, what I imagined was horrific things I’d never want to endure, nor would it change my decision to leave him.

Pause. ⏸️ Hey Siri, play Number One Rule by Megan Thee Stallion - specifically the first verse cause TUH. 🙂‍↔️

Play. ▶️

He was the catalyst for me realizing I have some work to do because, who you attract may not have to do with who you are, but who you continue to entertain sure does. I was entertaining shit because I was seemingly grateful for shit. Why? I didn’t believe I was worthy of more. I also felt if I proved that I didn’t require much, I’d be given more. The lie detector test proved THAT was a lie. I fell for the future faking and scraps he gave me. Yes his scraps were more than what others gave me years prior, but they were still scraps. I know I deserved and desired more, but my actions were consistently choosing shit, so shit is what I received.

In Closing

Gratitude doesn’t mean to be grateful for anything anyone gives you. If I order a lobster dinner and receive a chicken dinner, no one would say I’m ungrateful if I send my plate back; they’d understand why I’d be upset receiving the wrong thing. And a good restaurant would remedy their mistake! Don’t be so grateful that you accept less than your worth. Decline what they’re trying to give and know that what you’re asking for will come in due time.

Grateful, according to Merriam Webster, means appreciative of benefits received : feeling or showing thanks. If someone gives you something and it’s not beneficial, then it doesn’t make you ungrateful at all.

Merriam Webster further defines grateful as pleasing by reason of comfort supplied, or discomfort alleviated. Was comfort supplied? Was discomfort alleviated? If not, then again, expressing your dislike or further discomfort, shouldn’t categorize you as ungrateful.

Furthermore, when you think about it, not liking something shouldn’t equate to being “ungrateful”; it simply means, ‘nice gesture, I just don’t like it’. Someone may have every right for their feelings to be hurt, or to be annoyed, but that doesn’t give them the right to label you as something you’re not just to satisfy their fragile ego. That’s manipulation at play babes.

Also, people know what they’re doing. If you tell someone your favorite color is blue and they keep buying you purple things, they’re not listening to you, or worse, it’s a “test” to see how you’ll respond. Again, manipulation.

WHEW! So, that was a lot, but if you saw yourself in this scenario, know that you’re not what people labeled you. In my particular case, the things those elders labeled me were projections; admissions of guilt. I carried their own negative self belief, but it’s not mine to carry anymore. I’m good luv, enjoy! 😘💅🏾

I will leave you with these three things to journal about.

1. What negative self beliefs do you have? Write them down and when you first began believing them. Did they come from you, or someone else? If someone else, put a name and maybe a story to it. This will help you in knowing what negative self beliefs are truly yours and which ones are not.

2. Do you overcompensate for these negative self beliefs, or try to prove you’re not those self beliefs? If so, write down the actions you take to overcompensate for these negative self beliefs. Writing them down will help you to acknowledge them so that you can abandon them. They may have served you then, but they do not serve you now.

3. What positive self beliefs do you have? Write them down and when you first began believing them. Did they come from you, or from someone else? If someone else, put a name and maybe a story to it. This will help you remember who your people are.

As always, thanks for reading. Don’t forget to share this with someone who you believe it will resonate with! I’m excited to continue this series and release the negative self beliefs that don’t belong to me. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

I wrote this poem last summer while on a 14hr flight. It’s a conversation between my current self, my inner child and God.

I once thought I wasn’t creative;

What a fucking lie.

I was silenced by love,

I was hardened by reality.

I was told who to be and how to act,

But that was never me.

I’m a wild woman.

I’m an esoteric woman.

I’m a human fucking being.

I’m not your pretty little machine.

I’m a goddess.

I’m a novelist.

I’m the anchor.

I’m an actor,

Acting to satisfy the world.

But who’s going to satisfy me?

And where’s my Hollywood star

For acting thus far?

I may not sing on key,

I may not sell art like Banksy,

But I’m creative.

I’m here to create.

My words are to be heard,

As if I were a mockingbird.

Ever had one wake you in the middle of the night?

It’s beautiful, frustrating and intriguing.

It will have you questioning why you’re listening.

Like a mockingbird,

My voice is meant to invoke you;

It’s meant to invoke me too.

It asks -

What are we holding back?

What could we be creating?

You can try to ignore my voice,

But it will keep coming back

Until you finally do what I ask.

Create something,

Be something,

Work through your fears.

Don’t stay stuck here.

I am God.

I am within you.

I will lead you.

• Briana Dionne 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

I was born and raised in Texas, where the state bird is the northern mockingbird. Northern mockingbirds can sing up to 200 songs, including the songs of other birds and sounds from insects and amphibians - according to wheretexasbecametexas.org. Male mockingbirds looking for a mate, tend to sing through the wee hours of the night and especially during full moons. Birdfly.com believes that the spiritual meaning of mockingbirds’ singing includes freedom of expression, transformation, connection to the divine, and joy/playfulness.

As always, thank you for reading. If this poem resonated with you, please like, comment, and/or subscribe. If you feel called, share this with a friend. Until next time. 😌

It’s important to note that while I’m an angry Black woman, that is not all I am. I exude joy more often than anger, because I’m not stuck in one perpetual emotion. I am a Gemini with a heavy mutable chart, I’m always changing my mind, mood, interests, etc. I am also a lover girl through and through and dare I say that it’s probably why I’m so damn mad. Cause where is the love?!

Pause. ⏸️ Hey Siri, play Mad by Solange.

Play. ▶️

Anyways, I got a lot to be mad about. Here’s a short list of why I’m mad.

1. AmeriKKKa

2. Childhood friends who bullied and betrayed me

3. My exes - RAWT IN HAIL lol

4. That old situationship - cause how did you not see how powerful we could have been together?

5. My father because when will you get it?

6. My bank account cause you should be as big as my titties.

7. Hyper independence - this is actively being worked on, but I’m still mad I feel the need to do it all alone.

8. My soulmate cause you’re taking too long UGH.

So yeah, I’m mad/angry. For years I suppressed it because anger is uncomfortable for those feeling it and its recipients. I never properly learned how to handle my anger. I started getting angry around age 10. My mom, bless her soul, got the brunt of it. Childhood bullying broke me down so I would lash out at home subconsciously, because my mother was my only safe space to do so. I couldn’t stand up to my bullies at school, but at home if my mom said something I didn’t like, my rage would see it to cut her deep. It wasn’t about her, it was about me and the pain I was feeling from many at school, because at that age, school is life. Eventually my rage started scaring us both, so I saw a doctor about it. It somewhat helped, but what did help was the birth of my brother shortly after I turned 12. I was a big sister now, I said to myself “I have to get it under control for him”. Also, how can you be angry when there’s a cute baby around? So I did what I knew how to do at the time, suppress it.

Pause. ⏸️ I want to say thank you to my mom. She knew something was not right within me and many wanted her to spank me into submission, but she didn’t. She sought out professional help for me instead of harming me in a way that would harden me. I love you deeply mommy.

Play. ▶️

Fast forward, I kept my rage to a minimum. I had my moments because period hormones as a teenager? 0/10. But overall, it was nothing like the 10 and 11 year old version of me.

However, there were a couple of moments in college where my anger scared me. I blacked out in a fit of rage twice. I told people I loved, I hated them. The only reason I know I told them this, is because they told me I said it. I did not hate them, yet they cannot unhear what I said, even though I never meant it. I also had an ex, who very much deserved the rage I spewed cause how are you going to cheat on me when I’m in the next room?! Literally, the next room. Asshole. Anyways, I blacked out in a fit of rage and it scared me. I left him alone after that, because I did not want to stay with someone who pulled me that far out of character. Both of these situations showed me that my anger needed to get under control, STAT!

Now I’m in my 30s, I haven’t had that level of rage happen in over 10 years. Part of it is just knowing who I can and cannot be around, because some people make it their mission to dim my light by any means necessary. Being both beautiful and kind is a dangerous game - there’s an article I could write about that. Another part of it is also knowing that my anger can cause irreparable damage to those I love. Alas, in 2025 I started to sit with my anger. I began writing and it served as a gentle and sacred release. I went to a rage room. I also went to therapy - now I had been in therapy for years, but I had to take care of urgent matters first, before getting to the root. I realized the root of my anger was telling a story and there was a pattern; “I’m not enough”.

From the bullying, cheating exes, father wounds, and lack of commitment from men, they all hit a deep wound of not being enough. I performed my worth day in and day out, just to be told in so many ways, I’m still not enough. To be both Black and woman in America, you’re not enough to both your non-Black counterparts and to those who look like us. Sexism and misogyny is felt by Black women not only outside of our homes, but often inside too with our fathers and partners and even the women who uphold it. You can another layer if you’re a Black woman who is queer and/or disabled. Ugh. Misogyny and sexism are the bitches who have stole many people’s joy. Grrrr. 🤬 but I’m here to tell you if no one else has, YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Pause. ⏸️ Hey Siri, play This Bitch Matters by Doechii. Speaking of Doechii, girl I appreciate you! You’ve inspired me and I hope to meet you one day to say it in person. But as I deal with my wounds around worthiness, it’s important to remind myself, THIS BITCH MATTERS!

Play. ▶️

So what do I do to handle this anger? I realized my rage was scary because I wasn’t expressing it until it completely boiled over. When triggered, my body would take over to protect and regulate itself, no matter who, what, when or where; hence, the blackouts. Very much, the body keeps the score-esque. Now? Any small bit of anger, I release it. How? Below are some healthy ways that works for me.

1. Scream in my car

2. Journal like Regina George in Mean Girls

3. Go on a walk or run

4. Play my sound bowls

5. Nap

6. Deep breaths

7. Sing and dance - twerking is my fave

8. Go to a rage room

9. Look at the sky

10. Rap in the mirror like Issa

11. My last and favorite - LEAVE THEM! ☺️😘

By doing this, I’m able to feel and release my anger as quickly as it comes, instead of letting it build like a RICO case. Sometimes it creates art, but more importantly it is a release.

So yes, I’m an angry Black woman, but my anger is not anything to be feared, but to be heard and released. Anger is what often fuels change. Anger is what started movements such as the Civil Rights movement and Me Too. Anger is sacred. Anger is a catalyst for change. Anger creates art. Anger is what made me leave rooms that were not serving me anymore. Anger has a story to tell!

In conclusion, let me leave you with these 3 questions.

1. What do you think your anger is telling you?

2. How are you releasing your anger? Healthily and unhealthily, write them down.

3. What changes have you made due to your anger in the past and what changes is your anger asking you to make today?

As always, thank you for reading. Each article is like a peek into my overactive mind. If you feel called, please comment, like, follow and subscribe. Lastly, if you feel this will resonate with someone, please share with them. Oh and the dashes I used are MINE, ain’t no ChatGPT round here patna.

Until next time. ☺️🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

I had this idea in my head as I was driving home from work, as I do often - what if I created a rom-com with classic love songs for my fellow hopeful romantics on Valentine’s Day?… so here it goes. Playlist to follow at the end.

I’m excited for the day when Love Calls…

I imagine I meet you at a record store and our eyes meet for the first time and we both experience Happy Feelin’s. We speak about our favorite artists and the levitating experience of witnessing a live band before exchanging numbers.

The following week we go on our first date. You take me to a concert hall where your favorite live band is performing; the same band we spoke about upon meeting for the first time. I wear a red dress and I can feel through your constant gazes, you try to refrain from saying My My My, because you don’t want lust overshadow a blooming connection. While nervous at first, we dance the night away as if we’ve known each other for years, even making fans throughout the night.

Soon we begin to spend more moments together, with each time we spend it’s almost Never Too Much. Sometimes we see a movie, other times we go to dinner, but our favorite thing to do is to take A Long Walk. We talk and observe the trees, not noticing that seasons begin changing. This feels different. This is consistent. This is easy.

When we aren’t going on dates or walks, we chat on the phone while preparing dinner or away with friends and family. Again, it is easy and timeless, as if Nothing Even Matters.

Your friends begin asking what keeps you so busy these days and you let them in on the privacy they should know. You refer to me as your Cococure.

My friends and family ask me the same. I tell mine I can’t find the words, but you feel like the beginning of Maxwell’s Fortunate… woooooooooh ooh oooh oooh oooh woo woo woo wow woooo… something about Maxwell, intentional and sensual. All the while, us not knowing we describe each other to our closest people like a Maxwell song.

Now it’s been fall, winter and spring is ending. With the seasons changing and summer ramping up all I can think is “Why Don’t We Fall in Love?”. We haven’t said the words, but it’s there. I know it’s there.

I kept us waiting because you understood how important it is to me that this feels right. You take me back to the record store where we met and ask me, “Will you be my girlfriend?” as Snoh Aalegra’s “I Want You Around” plays in the background. I laugh and tell you it took long enough. We kiss and head to a local bar to drink, dance, and celebrate our new relationship status. While it felt like forever, it felt right we moved at our pace. The DJ plays Floetry’s “Say Yes” and the night takes a turn for the better. We are no longer laughing or yapping, we are still knowing what’s about to take place.

We head to your place in the city and there’s cake and balloons as another surprise to celebrate me being your girlfriend. I thank you, but it can wait. I finally feel safe to explore each other physically, and you tell me I’m such a sight to see in the month of June. Reminding me of one of my favorite songs from Usher, “Love You Gently”. All I can think is can we chase the moon forever?

Gentle, but masculine and smooth like Crown Royal on ice we had earlier. It’s nasty and sacred. It was well worth the wait. You’re no longer the guy that nerds out over music with me anymore, you’re my man.

In the morning as we lay in bed, you let me know that this isn’t physical and All You (I) Do is think about me. You said you’d been planning this for a while, but didn’t want to rush things and risk losing me. I told you that wouldn’t have happened, but I’m glad we waited. You get up to make me breakfast before taking me to the airport, as I head on a girls trip. You hug and kiss me goodbye and say “I love you”. You laugh and say ooops, I tell you “I know you meant it!” followed by “I love you too”. All I can think is how sneaky you are to pull this right before a girls trip. How can I hide this joy from them?!

We begin on a journey of merging our lives for the next year. We start taking our own trips across the world to places we spoke about on our first date; Tanzania, Joshua Tree, and Italy, just to name a few. We meet each other’s family and friends and again, things are easy for once. Easy and we both Don’t Ever Wonder.

The following spring, we head to the Oregon Coast, one of my favorite places to visit. You ask me wear the red dress from our first date. You then tell me that night you felt like Johnny Gill. I laugh and my intuition begins going crazy, because I remember thinking about how you looked at me that night and it felt like that song. I then think, “could this be the day?” but I allow the night to unfold without being in my head. After a nice dinner, we return to our Airbnb and under the stars, you plan a private proposal playing the song at the record store when we first met, When Somebody Loves You Back. I never knew you remembered the song playing, but I quickly say yes. I begin sobbing uncontrollably because the little girl in me got her wish, but you hold me and we dance to what is officially our song.

While we moved slow in the beginning, we marry less than 6 months later on my family’s property, surrounded by our favorite people. My favorite memory of the night is singing We Are One in unison like a choir. A choir comprised of those who have supported us both individually, and will now support us together as a we begin life as a married couple. It was intimate, it was Black AF, it was a night many would speak about for years.

After our loved ones leave, I ask you How Does it Make You Feel? You describe to me every feeling you’ve felt from the day we met, up until now and assure me, You (I) Can’t Stop and won’t stop Loving Me (You).

Unfortunately all of this was just a figment of my imagination, you’re a Distant Lover I suppose…

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/for-the-hopeful-romantic/pl.u-mJy88grtDLB2ma

This was something different, but fun to write. Let me know your thoughts and share this with a fellow music lover and a hopeful romantic this Valentine’s Day. As always, thanks for reading. Please like, comment and subscribe if you feel inclined. Until next time. 🥰

I found my inner rapper and not only is she cocky, she reminded me of who I’ve been, who I am, and where I’m going.

In December of 2024, I visited one of my besties. She’d just moved into a new home and I was excited to come into town and see it, as we often FaceTimed throughout the process of it being built. Inside the home, her husband built a recording studio. He is a talented musician and honestly they’re both creative beings that inspire me. Side Note: Liking your best friend’s husband is a HUGE flex. Anyways, I joked with him and said let’s hop in the studio, I want to rap. He said okay. I put it off for a day because I got scared.

On my final full day there, I began writing my “rap” on my notes app and even shared it with my best friend. It was horrible! We were laughing at it over dinner and I thought I cannot go through with this and embarrass myself. Later that day her husband asked if I was ready to hop in the studio. I told him I was hoping he forgot. He assured me it would be fun, but I needed some liquid courage first in case I made a fool of myself. Which who cares if I did, this was for fun and in a safe space. Once we all got in the studio, he asked me what my vibe was. I told him southern female rap. After-all, I am a Texas girl so I wanted something that resonated with my culture.

He finds a beat, tweaks it around a bit and asks if I’m ready. I’m not, but I started rapping from the notes from my phone. Yes, the same notes me and my bestie laughed at over dinner. I had less than 16 bars, but I put my all in it. I tell him “that’s all I got 😅” with the thought that we are done. He says no, keep going. I told him I don’t have anything and he said that’s okay, just start rapping whatever comes to mind. HUH?!

I freeze for a second and look at my best friend with the face of “HELP ME”! She just laughs and then something powerful happened. Something took over my body. I was not me and I began channeling for the first time. I spoke about dormant dreams and venerated my ancestors. I exuded confidence that I’d only dreamt of having. It was my higher self talking and she was taking HER shit, well deserved might I add. My best friend has a video of me hearing the playback and I say “she’s so cocky”. It was giving Tina Snow vs. Megan Pete or Sasha Fierce vs. Beyoncé; my alter ego was my higher self. I was in complete awe. Who is this woman? I love her! And why was I speaking about my great great grandmother?!

Pause. ⏸️ let’s define channeling; channeling is the act of receiving messages or energies from a higher or non-physical source.

Play. ▶️

From then on, I remembered things and people I had suppressed, including my great great grandmother, who was a beacon of light during my first 15 years of my life. I spent a lot of time with her growing up and at one point me and my mom lived with her while our home was being built. She wasn’t super talkative, but with her we had a deep connection. I’d yap and she would smile with pride. I can still feel her hugs. She made the best pinto beans and cornbread, even in her nineties, and she always had soda water (NOT pop) in the back, especially my favorites; Diet Dr. Pepper and Big Red. She was revered by many in her small town. As I crave a slow life these days, she introduced me to it. Sundays were for rest, church and family and NO cleaning whatsoever, not even laundry! We spent hours sitting on her porch, shelling pecans from her pecan tree, waving at neighbors, and reading the local newspaper. I would often share my school lesson plans with her and her middle daughter, earning me the nickname of “Teacher, Teacher”. Her life was simple, but full of love.

My great great grandmother was everything to me and I’d forgotten about her. When she passed I was stuck, as it was the first grief I’d known and I began to understand I have a tendency to disassociate when overwhelmed with emotion. She wasn’t sick, she was a couple months shy of 100, so it was a quick and peaceful transition for a wonderfully lived life. However, it was a transition I thought would never happen. It sounds silly, but knowing how old she was, mixed with her sound mind and mobility, I didn’t think death was in the plans for her. I fully believed she would see me married with children one day. LOL, which is crazy because I have neither yet. A few months after venerating her through my “rap”, I found pictures and post cards I’d sent her through boxes which brought light to memories I’d dimmed. I now keep her pictures and our memories close to me.

Something else that came from my time in the studio was remembering my love for music. I’ve always loved music and funny enough, I was a great singer as a child. I would often open up for our church city wide revivals for both children and adult choirs and my great great grandmother would proudly be in attendance. People still ask my Granny if I have long hair and can sing, she sadly says no to both LOL. Puberty, or maybe a vocal cord injury, took my angelic voice away so I haven’t been a great singer in years. But I forgot just how deep my love for music was until I found my song book about a month after the studio with songs I’d written at age 10. I even found some fashions I drew. I would often cut up old clothes, attempt to sew them and record songs that I’d written on a tape player. I even used to perform my songs, along with Destiny’s Child’s, during Family Reunions and gatherings. I fully believed I would be a triple threat star. Singing, acting, modeling.

Maybe I still will be, or maybe I can still use my voice, creativity and beauty in a different way. Either way, ever since I channeled in the studio, I can’t stop. Not to mention, how wonderful it is to have a personal song that reminds me of who I’ve been, who I am, and where I’m going. I feel God within me and I honor our relationship more than ever since this moment. And of course I would, there’s no way I could venerate my great great grandmother without experiencing how great God is. She rarely missed a Sunday service, prayer line call, or Bible study. Now will I join the church again? That’s up for debate, but again, my relationship with God is even stronger since I stepped foot in that studio.

Have you ever channeled? If so, what was your first time or most memorable channel like? Sound off in the comments. I would love to hear about it if you’re comfortable.

As always, thank you for taking time to read! If this resonated with you, please like and subscribe and if you feel this may resonate with someone else, share it with them. Until next time. 😌🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨