The abuse Mica Miller endured during her marriage to John Paul Miller was disturbing, and it stirred something in me that made me feel this article needed to be written.

This is going to be a little different from most of my writing, but I feel it is necessary. Mica Miller’s story raises important questions about religious abuse, sexual coercion, manipulation, and coercive control. I want to name some of the tactics reportedly used against her because many people do not fully recognize abuse while they are living through it.

This is something I am very passionate about and have done quite a bit of research on over many years. While I am not a certified therapist, I have walked alongside women who have been severely abused and sexually trafficked, as well as having experience in other ways.

My hope in writing this is that it helps even one person recognize what they may be experiencing and gives them language for something they have been unsure how to name. I also hope it helps someone recognize religious abuse, especially when a church or pastor begins teaching personal beliefs as though they are biblical truth.

Because the abuse Mica reportedly endured involved so many different forms of control and harm, I do not believe I can adequately cover every type in one article. So I have decided to write additional pieces about abuse, its dangers, and other difficult topics that need more awareness. I have already shared one previously here. And I will continue weaving those awareness pieces in with my faith-based writing, in hopes to continue to lead people toward truth, safety, and healing.

Trigger Warning: This article discusses sexual abuse, religious abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, and manipulation. Some of the content may be difficult or triggering, so please read with care.

Spoiler Alert: I will also be discussing events and details covered in the Netflix documentary Death of a Pastor’s Wife. If you would rather watch the documentary first, feel free to come back and read and interact with this article afterward. Or read it first - it’s completely up to you.

Religious and Sexual Abuse / Coercive Control and Manipulation:

JP was a pastor. He knew the Bible. And Mica loved the Lord. She desired to do what scripture told her to. She loved God and wanted to be obedient to Him.

John Paul preyed on that.

JP preached deeply disturbing messages about marriage publicly. Wives were told they must submit to and respect their husbands, and that they should provide sex whenever their husbands wanted it - or risk their husbands cheating.

In other words, he placed responsibility for a man’s choices onto his wife.

That kind of teaching can lead people in the wrong direction. It may also have caused Mica confusion about God and Scripture while making her feel pressured to comply with JP’s private demands. He reportedly taught that if a wife did not meet her husband’s sexual needs, “the devil will put 20 other options in front of your husband’s eyes.”

That is not biblical accountability. It is manipulation.

Anytime Mica would talk about leaving him, he would say that she wasn’t being a Godly wife and that God hated divorce. He was a master at twisting Scripture, reshaping it to support the narrative that benefited him most.

He used it all to control Mica.

What makes this even more heartbreaking is that Mica began attending the church at a young age after her parents divorced. She was raised under his teaching, so it makes sense that she would have trusted what he said.

As the years went on, Mica watched the church continue to support him as he preached from the stage. That public approval may have added to her confusion, making harmful and distorted teaching seem trustworthy.

This is what makes religious abuse so dangerous. Anytime someone harms another person in the name of Jesus, it angers me. I have heard countless stories of women being treated as less than - pressured to “submit” to their husbands while being mistreated, controlled, and belittled.

Religious abuse happens when someone uses spiritual or religious practices and beliefs to manipulate, control, demean, or isolate another person.1 It can look like someone punishing you for not following their demands, then telling you that you are sinning and deserve judgment. Or it may look like being pressured to give excessively to a church, with fear used through its teachings to keep you compliant.

As alleged in Mica’s story, it can also look like sexual coercion - being told your body does not belong to you and that meeting someone else’s sexual demands is a Christlike duty.

According to Mica’s accounts, she was expected to have sex with JP every day - often as many as four times a day - even when she did not want to.

In another reported incident, JP allegedly paid unhoused people to sexually harass her, including offering $100 for someone to grab her breast. She also described being coerced into sexual acts involving another man - experiences that left her feeling unable to get clean, no matter how hard she tried.

She had been taught to believe that obeying him was the godly thing to do. At night, even after being expected to have sex multiple times throughout the day, she would sometimes say no because she was exhausted. She said he would not let her sleep, sometimes waiting until she was nearly asleep before turning on all the lights to wake her. She described him mentally wearing her down until she finally agreed.

That is sexual coercion.

Consent is not freely given when someone is pressured, intimidated, deprived of sleep, manipulated with guilt or religious language, or worn down until saying yes feels like the only way to make it stop. Marriage does not erase a person’s right to say no. A spouse is never entitled to another person’s body.

In a sermon, JP equated refusing sex in marriage with sexual immorality, even comparing it to rape, sex trafficking, and homosexuality. That is profoundly harmful and false.

The responsibility for sexual abuse, coercion, or infidelity always belongs to the person who chooses to cause harm - not the victim.

Cycle of Abuse:

John Paul’s alleged tactics reflect what is often called the cycle of abuse. While not every abusive relationship follows this exact pattern, many survivors recognize some version of these repeating stages.

The first phase is when tension begins to build. The victim may feel like they are walking on eggshells, knowing the abuser could become angry or act out at any moment.

The next phase is the explosion. This is when the abuse occurs. It may last a few minutes, a few hours, or even days.

Then comes the honeymoon phase. The abuser may apologize, become especially loving or attentive, and make promises to change. Sometimes the abuser reverts back to love bombing. Other times, they may minimize their behavior or act as if nothing happened at all.

This cycle can cause the victim to crave the temporary peace in the relationship and to do whatever the abuser expects in hopes of preventing another explosion. The honeymoon phase is often the version of the abuser the victim holds onto- the person they believe the abuser “really” is. Living through this cycle can make it incredibly difficult to see the truth of the abuse.

That need for peace can make controlling behavior seem normal - or even like love - especially when it is disguised as concern for someone’s safety.

For example: Location-sharing apps can be a healthy tool when both partners freely agree to use them for safety, reassurance, or practical reasons. The difference is how that information is used. It becomes controlling when one person monitors the other’s every move, interrogates them about places they visit, repeatedly texts to demand explanations, or unexpectedly shows up because they saw something on the app.

Oftentimes, it can be hard to recognize abuse while you are living through it. You may question whether it is your fault that they are angry with you. You may even believe harmful lies - like Mica was reportedly led to believe - that sexual abuse or coercion is what God wants from you.

It is not your fault. When it is safe to do so, begin learning about the signs of abuse and reach out for support. I have included some links at the bottom for you to explore.

I have been fervently praying that every article I share - even the awareness pieces - will reach even one person who needs it. If one person recognizes the truth about the abuse they are experiencing and begins their journey toward safety and healing, I am deeply grateful.

If someone comes to mind who may need this article, please share it with them using the button below. Together, we can help bring abuse into the light and save lives.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. If it is not safe to search for help online, consider using a trusted person’s device.

If you believe you may be experiencing any form of religious abuse, please reach out for support. These websites can provide more information and helpful resources.

Womenslaw.org Domestic Hotline

If you have experienced or are still experiencing sexual abuse, please reach out for help.

RAINN

If you are experiencing emotional abuse or coercive control, please reach out for help. These websites can provide more information and helpful resources.

Coercive Control Domestic Hotline

Here we are - our last week, friends!

It has been such a meaningful journey rejoicing together as we have shared the many ways the Lord has been there for us.

If this is your first time joining us, don’t worry - you haven’t missed your chance to be part of it! Each week has its own theme, so you can jump right in with us today. And if you’d like to go back and catch up, I’ll include links to the previous articles at the end of this one. It’s completely up to you.

Now, let’s continue with this week’s theme - “The Lord Is My Peace.”

Have you ever had to choose between two wonderful opportunities and had no idea which one was right?

I know I have.

At the end of my second year at LCU, I was trying to discern my next steps. LCU was a two-year program centered on evangelism and deep study of Scripture. I was preparing to graduate, which meant the program was ending, and I needed to decide what God was calling me to do next.

I had applied for an internship through LCU. There were several opportunities available, and I asked to be considered for three of them. I do not remember two of them now, but I clearly remember one - the Pastoral Ministry Internship, where I would serve and learn under pastoral leadership.

At the same time, I was only a few months into my job as a Shift Lead at Refuge for Women.1 I worked thirty-two hours a week, two overnight shifts from 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. Thankfully, I was able to sleep when the residents slept.

Not long after I started, the Program Director left, and Refuge opened applications to fill the position. A coworker came to me and told me she thought I should apply. The position appealed to me, but with no bachelors degree, I honestly didn’t think I would be considered. I knew I had lived through the school of hard knocks, but I was not sure that would be enough.

However, after talking with her and a few friends, I decided to apply.

So there I was, with one application in for an internship and another for the Program Director position.

Then I received the news from LCU:

You have been accepted into our Pastoral Ministry Internship Program!

I was ecstatic! I knew several people had applied, and I could not believe I had been chosen.

But around the same time, I received a call from Refuge. They wanted to interview me for the Program Director position.

I was honored they would even consider me, but I was also nervous. Who was I to lead a program home for women who had survived trafficking?

Even though I had been accepted into the internship, I just didn’t have peace about it. So I decided to attend the interview. I had been praying that God would open the right door and make the direction clear. I wanted to learn more about pastoral ministry through the internship, but working in an anti-trafficking organization had been a lifelong dream of mine.

Then I made it to the second round of interviews.

I was actually being considered for the Program Director position. I was excited! But beneath the excitement, I still felt an uneasiness in my spirit.

So I prayed again:

“God, please give me peace about which direction to go. I really want the Program Director position at Refuge because I believe You have given me a desire to work with this population. It would also provide more financial stability. But I believe the internship would be valuable too.”

It was a strange place to be in honestly. I did not have full peace about either choice…but I wanted them both. However I knew in my heart that God would show me my next steps. That part I had full faith in.

Then, I got the call.

It was the Executive Director from my job who wanted to have a conversation.

She explained that both HR and the people who had interviewed me saw a lot of potential in me. They believed I was a good fit for Refuge and for the role, but they did not feel I had enough experience yet to step directly into the Program Director position.

Instead, they had a plan.

The current Assistant Program Director did not want to become the Program Director. She was also in a season of life where she wanted to step away from full-time employment and return to working part-time as a Shift Lead. Still, she agreed to serve as interim Program Director for the final three months of the year while I stepped into the Assistant Program Director role.

This would give me the opportunity to learn the day-to-day responsibilities of working in the office, gain experience in leadership, and then reinterview for the Program Director position at the end of December.

So there I was - I could become a Pastoral Ministry Intern, or I could step into the Assistant Program Director role with the possibility of eventually becoming the Program Director.

This time, the decision was a no-brainer. And for the first time I had peace.

God had answered my prayer. He gave me peace about which direction to take.

I chose Refuge.

I was able to talk with the school and explain my decision. To my surprise, they were excited for me. They told me there were other people interested in the Pastoral Ministry Internship and only so many available openings, so they would be able to offer the position to someone else on the application list. They were not upset or frustrated in any way. Instead, they were grateful that I had found where God was leading me, and they fully supported my decision.

Their response brought even more confirmation and peace.

At the end of the year, I reinterviewed for the Program Director position and was promoted. Those few months of training in the office and serving as Assistant Program Director had prepared me in ways I could not have understood at the beginning. Because of that experience, I was able to step into the Program Director role with far more confidence than I would have had before.

And I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful that God showed me which direction to choose by enveloping me with an overwhelming peace once the way became clear.

And that is what is so beautiful about God.

He is peace. And when we walk closely with Him, we get to experience a peace that surpasses all understanding.2

And being led by His peace is not the only way we get to experience it.

When life feels difficult and our circumstances are hard, we can rest in the peace of knowing Jesus is always with us. We are never alone. And even when we cannot yet see how, He promises to work all things together for the good of those who love Him.3

So I want to leave you with this encouragement. Whether you are facing a decision that feels impossible to make or walking through a season that feels unbearably hard, turn to God.

Ask Him to fill you with His peace. Then rest in the truth that you are not alone. He sees you, He is with you, and He will be faithful to lead you one step at a time.

The Lord is your peace.

Scripture
”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
—Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV)

Takeaway
God’s peace does not always mean every answer comes immediately or every circumstance becomes easy. Sometimes, peace comes as He faithfully leads us one step at a time. Whether you need direction for a decision or strength for a difficult season, you can bring it to Him. He is with you, He hears you, and He is your peace.

Now It’s Your Turn
The Lord is my Peace because ____________________________.

Where in your life can you look back and see that God gave you peace? Share your line in the comments so we can continue writing this Modern-Day Psalm together.

And be sure to follow along in Notes this week. Each day, I’ll share a new prompt inviting you to reflect more deeply on the ways the Lord gives us peace — Stillness, Hope, Portion, Joy, and Rest.

New to this series? Read the original announcement here to learn how “The Lord Is My…” series works and how you can join us.

You can also catch up on the series by reading Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3 below.:
Week 1: The Lord Is My Protector
Week 2: The Lord Is My Rescue
Week 3: The Lord Is My Guide

Great news, friends! We’ve officially made it halfway through The Lord Is My… Series!

It has been so beautiful to watch everyone engage with the prompts, share pieces of their own stories, and add their voices as we create a Modern-Day Psalm together.

If this is your first time joining us, don’t worry - you haven’t missed your chance to be part of it! Each week has its own theme, so you can jump right in with us today. And if you’d like to go back and catch up, I’ll include links to the previous articles at the end of this one. It’s completely up to you.

Now, let’s continue with this week’s theme - “The Lord Is My Guide.”

I still remember the morning I was talking with God and heard Him say, “The grace is lifting.”

I knew exactly what He meant.

I had been struggling with the demands - and sometimes the chaos - of leading a residential home for women who had been sexually trafficked. It was hard work. But I loved it.

For the first few years, and through some grueling seasons, I knew in my heart that God was giving me the grace, grit, and strength I needed to keep going. There was a peace within me. A quiet knowing that this was exactly where He wanted me to be.

But that morning, as I prayed for wisdom about how to handle a particular situation, I heard Him clearly. My time there was coming to an end. The grace that had carried me for so long was beginning to lift.

And what’s funny is that in that moment, assurance flooded my heart. If He was telling me my time there was coming to an end, then I trusted that He already knew what was next. Sometimes, I have the kind of faith that simply believes He is going to take care of me. I just know He will provide. And this was one of those times. One of those moments.

But it didn’t last long.

As the weeks went on, I started searching online for another job, scrolling through posting after posting to see what was available. I found myself taking hours at a time prepping cover letters to fit each job description, as well as updating the professional summary as needed to ensure my resume caught their eyes.

Crickets.

If I got a response it was typically an email stating “Thank you for your application but we have chosen another candidate.”

That was discouraging.

But I started feeling in my heart that God was asking me to leave my job without having something lined up. He wanted me to trust Him.

I know what you are thinking. That is the most irresponsible thing to do! Trust me, I was thinking the same thing to! I don’t even tell my children to quit a job unless they do it the right way - you always have something else lined up, and then give your notice to your current job.

So I did what any other normal human would do in this situation. I quit the job search and decided that I must have misunderstood what God was asking of me. (Obviously the reasonable response, right?) I convinced myself that He would send me a job while I was still employed. A new opportunity would just fall into my lap! So I went on about my life.

There’s no easy way to soften it, but this was disobedience. And I paid a high price for it. I could have saved myself a lot of emotional and physical pain if I had trusted Him from the beginning and left when He told me to leave, even without another job lined up.

But instead, I convinced myself that staying was the wise thing to do. I told myself I needed to be responsible. I needed a plan. I needed another job first. And somewhere along the way, I believed the lie that this was what God had told me to do.

But it wasn’t.

God was guiding me on another path. But I was afraid to follow.

Without getting into full detail, it was during this time that I fell into severe burnout. It became so intense that it was almost debilitating. I was so exhausted that I would come straight home from work and crash around 6 p.m., only to hit the snooze button again and again the next morning because I had no strength to get out of bed.

Because of that exhaustion, I rarely had the alone time with God that I once did. And losing that time with Him only added more fuel to the fire.

I landed in the ER for high blood pressure from the anxiety that had overtaken my nervous system. I started feeling like I was living outside of my body, fully detached from emotions. Just numb.

I had nothing left to give to the residents. To my team. To my family. Nor to God.

And finally, I went to my husband and told him, “I cannot do this anymore.”

We talked about what it would mean for me to leave without another job lined up, and understandably, he wasn’t quite on board yet. And really, who could blame him? On paper, it didn’t exactly sound like the wisest decision - quit my job, have no backup plan, and simply trust that God would provide.

So I started looking again online. Which added to my exhaustion because applying for jobs can take a lot of time! I had a few interviews. But nothing stuck.

But God was still with me. Still gently nudging me to take a leap of faith. Still guiding me to the way He wanted me to go.

Now please, don’t get this story twisted. I do not want anyone to read this and think, “Wow, God punished her for her disobedience.” Because that is NOT what I believe happened.

What I do believe is that I was walking in disobedience, and that disobedience left me vulnerable.

James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Looking back, I can see that I had been trying to resist everything that was wearing me down while ignoring the first part: submit to God. I was asking Him to help me endure something He had already told me to leave.

So guess what? After fighting what God was asking for well over a year, I finally took that leap of faith. I gave my notice. And then I left.

After leaving, I had some healing to do. But the anxiety that once had overtaken me finally left. Vanished. That peace I had felt when God first told me it was time to leave had returned. And it felt good.

There’s no greater feeling than walking where the Lord guides you.

About 6-8 weeks later, after resting, therapy, and lots of prayers, I got a phone call. The Central Team (the national office) from my previous job had an opening for Director of Programs. It was a remote job working closely with the Program Directors across all locations, offering support and guidance to help them in their roles. My heart jumped.

“Is this my next step?” I thought.

I applied, although I’ll admit I had some fear about returning to my previous organization. Not because it was a bad one. Honestly, it was the exact opposite! I loved the organization and believed deeply in its mission.

I was just afraid of finding myself right back in that severe state of burnout.

So I prayed. I told God that if this was truly where He was guiding me, then He would have to make the way.

And He did. I got the job!

And it is more than I could have ever wanted.

It’s remote, which means I can sleep a little later and no longer have to fight traffic. I get to work closely with our Central Team, learning so much from people I deeply respect.

I also get to meet with Program Directors across all of our locations, and I hope I can be someone who not only listens to their concerns, but truly understands them. I’ve sat in that seat. I know how heavy it can be. And now I get to use what I learned there to support the people who are still doing that work.

And while my nervous system is still healing, I have come such a long way. I’m no longer numb. I can laugh again. I started writing here on Substack because the inspiration and creativity I thought I had lost began to return. I still love my sleep, but I’m learning to enjoy the hours I’m awake, too.

Had I not followed God’s guidance and left my previous position, I would not have been available when He opened the door to the next one.

Isn’t God so good? He truly is!

He is constantly guiding His people down the paths He has prepared for them, even when we cannot see where those paths are leading.

So I want to encourage you today… if God is guiding you down a path that feels scary or unknown, don’t do what I did and ignore His leading. Trust Him. Follow Him. Take the leap of faith and go where He leads.

Because even when you cannot see what is waiting on the other side of your obedience, He can.

And He will not lead you somewhere without also being faithful to meet you there.

Scripture
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6

Takeaway
God’s guidance does not always make sense to us in the moment. Sometimes He asks us to move before we know where we are going, let go before we know what will replace it, or trust Him when the path ahead feels uncertain. But we do not have to see the entire path to follow the One who does. Our job is to trust, listen, and take the next step. His job is to lead.

Now It’s Your Turn
The Lord is my Guide because ____________________________.

Where in your life can you look back and see that God was guiding you, even when you didn’t understand where He was leading? Share your line in the comments so we can continue writing this Modern-Day Psalm together.

And be sure to follow along in Notes this week. Each day, I’ll share a new prompt inviting you to reflect more deeply on the ways the Lord guides us — as our Shepherd, Light, Lamp, Wisdom, and Counselor.

New to this series? Read the original announcement here to learn how “The Lord Is My…” series works and how you can join us.

You can also catch up on the series by reading Week 1 and Week 2 below.:
Week 1: The Lord Is My Protector
Week 2: The Lord Is My Rescue

I turned to my husband and announced - much louder than the situation called for -

“I just sharted.”

“What?!” he said, eyes wide.

I stood up and quietly asked him the question no wife ever hopes to ask her husband in public:

“Can you see it?”

He looked. And then he started laughing.

“Yes,” he said. “We need to leave.”

Fantastic.

He paid for our meal while I stood there trying to preserve what little dignity I had left. Then I gave him his assignment:

“Walk directly behind me.”

And that man did.

Close behind me, all the way out the door, shielding the general public from a sight none of them had asked to see. There happened to be a shop next door, so our rescue mission continued. I shuffled through the store while my husband followed behind me like an extremely committed bodyguard until I found a dress.

At the register, the woman smiled and asked, “Would you like to try it on?”

Absolutely not.

I simply said, “No, thank you.”

Because explaining why I could not safely enter a fitting room felt like information neither of us needed that day. I bought the dress, changed immediately, and finally emerged with my dignity mostly restored.

Crisis over.

And there stood my husband - the man who had just followed me through two businesses, guarded my backside, and helped secure an emergency wardrobe change without abandoning me to my fate.

That day, he rescued me.

Not from danger. Not from tragedy.

But from one very public, very unfortunate shart.

And honestly, sometimes rescue looks like that. But sometimes rescue is much more serious.

I think about firefighters running into a burning building to rescue a child, or the U.S. Coast Guard going out after people stranded at sea.

And the truth is, God is our Rescue too.

I think about David running from Saul and all the different ways God rescued him along the way. Sometimes it looked like a cave. Sometimes it looked like a loyal friend. Sometimes it was wisdom, protection, or simply enough strength to make it through one more day.

And then there is the greatest rescue of all - salvation through Jesus Christ.

Through Jesus, God rescues us from the power and penalty of sin and brings us back into relationship with Him. God is my Rescue because I am a sinner, and the wages of sin is death. But Jesus went to the cross and paid a debt I could never pay on my own. Because of Him, sin no longer gets the final word over my life. I am forgiven. I am free. And I get to live in relationship with the God who came to rescue me.

And seriously, if that doesn’t give us a reason to leap for joy, I don’t know what does.

So yes, sometimes rescue looks like God delivering us from danger, protecting us in the wilderness, or sending His Son to save us from a debt we could never pay.

And sometimes rescue looks like your husband walking six inches behind you through a store because you sharted your pants.

Different level of emergency. Same basic concept. Sometimes you simply cannot get yourself out of the mess you’re in.

Thankfully, I have a Rescuer.

And apparently, I have a pretty good husband too.

Scripture
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.”
— Psalm 18:16

Takeaway
God’s rescue does not always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes He brings us out of the situation completely. Other times, He gives us exactly what we need to make it through - strength, wisdom, protection, help, or someone to walk beside us. And through Jesus, He has given us the greatest rescue of all…..Salvation.

Now It’s Your Turn
The Lord is my Rescue because ____________________________.

Where in your life can you look back and say, “God rescued me there”? Share your line in the comments so we can continue writing this modern-day psalm together.

And be sure to follow along in Notes this week. Each day, I’ll share a new prompt inviting you to reflect more deeply on the ways the Lord rescues us - as our Deliverer, Savior, Redeemer, Helper, and Defender.

New to this series? Read the original announcement here to learn how “The Lord Is My…” series works and how you can join us.

“How could I have done this?” I thought. “Why did I have to lock my keys in the car today?”

I tugged on each handle as I circled the car, hoping I had left one of the doors unlocked when I went into church that morning. Nothing. Every door was locked. I swept everything off the hood and back into my purse, then gripped my phone and made the call. He did not answer, so I left a message.

“Hey, I’m sorry, but I locked my keys in the car. I’m going to be late. Text or call me back.”

I sighed as frustration rose inside me, my face reddening from both the stress and the heat of the Texas sun. While I waited for the locksmith to unlock my car, my phone buzzed. It was a text from him.

“I don’t have much time,” it read. “If you’re coming, you need to come now.”

I rolled my eyes in disbelief. I could not believe this was not going to work out. We had planned it for weeks, and my boys were staying at their dad’s house for the weekend. For once, I was free to visit the man I had been crushing on.

We both knew why we were meeting, but I did not care. I did not care that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I was desperate to feel loved, even if it was only for a little while.

But the locksmith was still an hour away, and he was already telling me he could not wait much longer. He had other plans and had only expected me to stay for an hour or so. There was no way I was going to make it.

“I guess we’ll have to reschedule,” I texted. “I’m sorry!”

“OK.”

That was all he wrote. Just OK. It was obvious he was not nearly as disappointed as I was. I had been looking forward to being wrapped in his arms and finally kissing him, but now none of it was going to happen.

After waiting for an hour, the locksmith finally unlocked my car. I climbed inside and drove home with a storm of emotions swirling inside me. I was angry with myself for being careless enough to lock my keys in the car. I was irritated that he had not been willing to change his plans or wait for me. Wasn’t I worth waiting for? And I was sad because I was returning to an empty house.

But beneath all of that was embarrassment. I had walked out of church that morning intending to do something I knew God would not want for me. And at the time, I had not cared. I wanted it anyway.

After I got home and changed into more comfortable clothes, I felt a gentle tug on my heart to sit down at the piano. I knew that tug. It was the feeling I often had when God began speaking to me, when He wanted me to slow down and spend time with Him.

“Really, God?” I whispered. “You still want to spend time with me after what I had planned?”

I was not sure which was worse - the fact that I had wanted to go to a guys house or how angry I had become when it did not happen. And yet, God still invited me to the piano. He still wanted me to play. He still wanted me to sing to Him.

So I did.

As my fingers moved across the keys, I began to sing to God with my whole heart. And He met me there. He met me in a way I had never experienced before. I kept playing. I kept singing. With every note, I felt myself becoming completely surrounded by His love.

Then I sensed Him speaking to my heart.

No, I did not hear an audible voice. It came as a thought, gentle but unmistakable. I knew it was Him because whenever God speaks to me, there is a burning in my chest that brings life to my heart.

“Christina, I protected you today. I allowed you to lock your keys in your car so you would not go see him. Instead, you came to Me and found the true love you had been searching for.”

The tears came immediately. I could not believe God had met me in such a personal and tender way. He was not angry with me for planning to meet a man who did not respect me. He was not condemning me for how angry I had become when my plans fell apart.

Instead, He called me into worship. He drew me close. And He loved me intensely.

The truth is that God had protected me. He had protected my heart. He knew that seeing this man would have caused me more harm than good, even though I could not see it at the time. What had felt like a careless mistake was actually part of God’s protection.

The locked car door had not kept me from love. It had redirected me toward the only Love that could truly satisfy my heart.

You see, the Lord is my Protector.

He was my protector that sunny afternoon when my keys were locked inside my car, and He was still protecting me later as I sat behind the piano.

And thankfully - He is my protector now, too.

God has always been a protector of His people. He protected David while he was running from Saul. He protected Daniel by closing the mouths of the lions. And He protected Peter by sending an angel to lead him out of prison. In each of those stories, danger was real. Fear was real. The circumstances did not immediately look safe. Yet God was there, protecting His people in the middle of it all.

Sometimes we recognize His protection right away. Other times, we only understand it when we look back. That day, I thought a locked car door had ruined my plans. Instead, it protected my heart and redirected me toward God.

The Lord is my Protector, even when His protection looks like inconvenience.

Even when it looks like disappointment.

Even when it looks like a car door that will not open.

Scripture

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
—Psalm 18:2

Takeaway

God’s protection does not always feel like protection in the moment. Sometimes it looks like an inconvenience, a disappointment, or a closed door. But what feels like God is keeping something good from us may actually be Him protecting our hearts and redirecting us toward something better.

Now It’s Your Turn

The Lord is my Protector because __________________________.

How has the Lord protected you? Share your line in the comments so we can continue writing this modern-day psalm together.

And be sure to follow along in Notes this week. Each day, I’ll share a new prompt inviting you to reflect more deeply on the ways the Lord has protected you.

New to this series? Read the original announcement here to learn how “The Lord Is My…” series works and how you can join us.

Starting this Sunday, I’ll share a personal reflection about who the Lord has been in my life. Then, throughout the week, I’ll post a daily prompt in Notes that builds on Sunday’s article and invite you to write your own line.

This idea came to me while reading 2 Samuel 22 during my devotional this morning. I have been studying the life of David over the past few weeks, and today I came upon David’s testimony, written beautifully as a song. This same song also appears in Psalm 18.

In this song, David proclaims his testimony and declares who the Lord was to him throughout his times of need. Verses 2–3 read:

He said:
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior -
from violent people you save me.”

—2 Samuel 22:2–3 NIV

As I read these words, I noticed that David didn’t begin by talking about his problems. He began by talking about God.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned from David’s life is that worship changes our perspective before our circumstances change.

As the song continues, David does talk about his struggles, but he also talks about turning to God through them all. Throughout his testimony, we see that God continually came to his rescue. It may not have always happened in the way or timing David longed for, but God never failed him.

People failed David. But God did not.

Reading this chapter reminded me of a conversation I have been having with Michelle Joy Teigrob through chat. (Hey, girl!) We have been talking about the ways God redeems our pain.

We once believed redemption was mostly about how God would use what we had been through to help and bless other people. But now we are beginning to see that there is so much more to it.

Through redemption, God draws us closer to Himself. We don’t only grow as people - we grow in our relationship with the Lord. We discover different sides of Him that we may never have known otherwise.

Through our pain, we come to know Him as Healer.

Through uncertainty, we come to know Him as our Guide.

Through loneliness, we come to know Him as our Companion.

In recognizing this and reading David’s song in 2 Samuel, I couldn’t help but begin searching my own life for the ways God has helped me. I also found myself naming who He was to me during those times.

That is the inspiration behind this new series.

Looking back, I can think of so many ways the Lord has shown up in my life. My list is long! So, I am breaking it into seasons, beginning with a four-week Season 1.

Each Sunday’s article will introduce one central theme through a personal story about how God showed up in my life. Then, throughout the week, we’ll look at other ways He revealed Himself within that theme. On Saturdays, we’ll take time to reflect on what we have shared and offer our praise to the Lord.

For example, Week 1’s theme is:

The Lord Is My Protection.

Throughout that week in Notes, we’ll look more closely at the different ways the Lord has been our Protector - He is our Rock, our Fortress, our Refuge, our Shield, and our Stronghold.

And this is where you get to add your voice to the psalm!

Each day, I’ll invite you to fill in the blank with your own testimony.

For example:

Day 1: The Lord is my Rock because…

You will fill in the blank with your personal reason why God is your Rock.

I am so excited to read everyone’s testimonies as we create a daily reflection of praise to the Lord!

And as we choose to rejoice in who God is, I believe our perspective will continue to shift even before our circumstances do. Remembering His faithfulness in the past can strengthen us in our current struggles. It reminds us that we are not facing them alone and that we serve a big God who is able to handle everything we place in His hands.

By the end of this series, we will have written a psalm - not with one voice, but with many - declaring who the Lord has been in our lives. And perhaps, as we read one another’s testimonies, our faith will be strengthened to trust Him with what we are walking through today.

So please come along on this journey with me as we spend the next four weeks proudly proclaiming who God is to us.

I look forward to writing a modern-day psalm with you all.

I know what it’s like to not want to live.

In fact, when I was in 7th grade, I attempted to take my own life by intentionally overdosing on pills. To this day, I still can’t imagine what my mom must have thought when she came into my room the next morning to wake me up for school and found me lying on the floor, unconscious.

I also know what it's like to believe the lie that your life has so little value that everyone would be better off without you. I remember thinking the world would be better if I were simply gone. But I was too afraid to try again because, deep down, I believed I would go to hell. I was living a life consumed by drinking and drugs, and I had left no room for the Lord. My life was unraveling in my 20’s, and I felt trapped - too hopeless to keep living, yet too terrified of eternity to die.

As I was trying to decide what to write today, I started looking through some of my old journals and came across a poem I wrote in 7th grade. It’s about loving someone who didn’t love me back. It’s a little long, but I wanted to share it because, looking back now, I can see just how much pain that young girl was carrying.

For My Love

I’ve told you and told you time and time again
Your ears quite visual but your not listenin’

I’ve talked to you so much and told you how I’ve cried
I’ve done all that I could. I did my best to try

If only you did what you promised me
I wouldn’t be here now in this state of pain and grief

You see I really loved you. I thought you were so kind
I wanted to be friends, and in the end you would be mine

When I confronted you and told you how I felt
You said you understood. You handled it quite well

You said that we could talk and be really close friends
For a couple of days it was true, but soon changed in the end

I must have looked real stupid while believing all of your lies
For you said you liked me but when near I was denied

You hurt me really bad for I cry myself to sleep
For my soul I gave you. My heart was yours to keep

But you took my heart and tore it into two
You made me feel so worthless. You made me so confused

You went to another girl and gave all of your love to her
And left me all alone and made me insecure

I can’t go on without you. Your friendships all I need
But you won’t say a word nor even think of me

And that is why I’m here. All alone in this suite
No-one to here to accompany me except the tears I’ve weeped

I’m shaking here afraid - wondering if I’m right
For what's about to be done will end all hope in sight

I look around the room and think of you one last time
Then I find the weapon that will take my life

I pick up the dagger and hold it closely to my chest
But before I do the deed I have one last request

I pick up a piece of paper. The words are so contrite
For the saying clearly reads “For my love, I have died.”

You may be thinking “Why in the world are you sharing such a sad poem?! Especially when you attempted this in the same year?”

I am sharing this because I know there are those out there that feel like I once did. They have no hope to move forward. They are looking at their circumstances and think there is no other way out. Maybe you are like me and believe the lie that other people will be better off without you because all you are is a burden to others. But I am here to tell you DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES.

When I look back at my 7th grade self, and my 20 year old self, I can see everything so clearly now. I longed to be loved and accepted. I wanted to be noticed by every one and be the center of everyone’s attention. I was truly looking for love in all the wrong places. In 7th grade it was a crush on a boy in my class. In my 20’s, it was drugs and alcohol.

All along though, love was pursuing me. And his name was Jesus.

I can look back over my life and see how He was with me through everything. Although I am sure He didn’t approve of the way I was living, He never left me. Even though there were consequences to my choices, He still protected me. And even when I believed my life wasn't worth living anymore, He kept reminding me that my life was worth the price He paid on the cross so that I could truly live.

Through out my years in recovery, I honed in on my identity in Christ, and what the Word says about who I am. There is no way I will allow the enemy to lie to me again and say that my life is worthless. And you know who He says I am? He says:

• I am a child of the living God. (Romans 8:16)

• I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

• I am kept in safety wherever I go. (Psalm 91:11)

• I am the light of the world. (Matthew 5:13-14)

• I am an Overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony (Revelations 12:11)

And that's only the beginning. Scripture is filled with reminders of who God says you are.

Friends, God is not mad at you. God is not done with you. He has good plans for you. Plans to prosper you and to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today, if you are struggling, I urge you to reach out and get help. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. And you are not a burden by reaching out. Christ created us to lean on each other in times of need. And if you don’t feel you have a trusted friend you can reach out to, contact the suicide hotline at 988.

And remember, the Lord is with you. Just like He has always pursued me and has never let me go, He is also with you - waiting for you with open arms to cry out to Him.

I have also included what is called The 40 I Am’s.*** This what God says about you! Print it out. Repeat it out loud as often you need to. Remind yourself of who you are in Christ.

I know life may feel unbearably difficult right now, but don’t give up hope. The Lord has raised me from the pit, and He can do the same for you.

The little girl who wrote that poem believed death was the only ending left to write. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

My poem ended with the words, “For my love, I have died.” But the gospel tells an even greater story: For His love, Christ died. And because He lives, you don’t have to die to find love. You’ve already been loved beyond measure.

***40 I Am Cards created by Toby Slough - pastor and founder of Goby.

I always have been. One of the things I love most about music is that there is something for every season and every mood. Depending on how I’m feeling, I can usually find exactly what I need. Sometimes it’s worship music. Sometimes it’s something upbeat while I’m cleaning the house. Sometimes it’s instrumental music while I’m writing. And sometimes it’s simply the sound of rain outside my window.

What’s interesting is that research shows different sounds actually affect our brains differently. Classical music and nature sounds can help calm us. Instrumental music can improve focus because there are no lyrics competing for our attention. Different styles of music can impact our mood, motivation, and even stress levels. Worship music has even been shown to increase feelings of hope and meaning while reducing anxiety. Music matters. Sounds matter.

But recently I found myself thinking about a different kind of sound. The sound of faith. Have you ever thought about faith having a sound?

Hebrews 11:1 says,

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

In other words, faith is trusting God enough to act on what He says even when we cannot yet see the outcome.

As I was studying 2 Chronicles 20, I began noticing all the different sounds throughout the chapter. The sound of fear. The sound of prayer. The sound of worship. The sound of obedience. And ultimately, the sound of faith.

When we arrive in 2 Chronicles 20, Jehoshaphat is king of Judah. He was actually one of the godliest kings Judah had. God had already humbled him through previous mistakes and taught him not to place his trust in political alliances or human strength.

Then a crisis came. A vast army was approaching Judah. Not one nation, but several. The Moabites. The Ammonites. The people of Mount Seir. Humanly speaking, Judah was completely outnumbered.

What makes the situation even more interesting is that these enemies were relatives. Moab and Ammon descended from Lot, and Edom descended from Esau. Israel had spared these nations during the Exodus because God commanded them not to attack them.

So Jehoshaphat is essentially standing before God saying, “Lord, we obeyed You. We spared them. And now they’re attacking us.” And then Scripture tells us something I love.

The Bible doesn’t hide the fact that Jehoshaphat was afraid. It doesn’t paint him as fearless, and it doesn’t shame him for his fear. He was scared. And honestly, I would have been too!

But what stands out is what he did with that fear. He didn’t let it drive him away from God. Instead, it drove him straight into God’s presence. Fear became the very thing that pushed him to seek the One who could help him.

I think that’s one of the most important lessons in this entire story. So often we think fear means we’re failing spiritually. Yet Jehoshaphat shows us something different. Fear itself wasn’t the problem. The question was where he took his fear.

He called a national fast. He gathered the people together. Men, women, and children stood before the Lord. In that culture, fasting was a public declaration of dependence upon God. The entire nation was essentially saying, “We cannot save ourselves.”

And then Jehoshaphat prayed one of the most honest prayers in all of Scripture:

“We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve prayed that prayer more than once. There have been seasons when I wanted answers. I wanted a plan. I wanted God to tell me exactly how everything was going to work out. Instead, I found myself saying, “Lord, I don’t know what to do.”

The older I get, the more I realize faith doesn’t require me to know the answers. Faith requires me to know where to look. Sometimes the most faithful prayer we can pray is simply, “God, I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You.”

What happened next in Judah's story is something many of us can relate to today.

In 2 Chronicles 20:15, we see that as the people stood before the Lord, God answered through a man named Jahaziel. Jahaziel was not a general nor a military strategist. But he was a Levite. He was a worship leader. And I love that detail. God’s answer came through someone connected to worship rather than warfare. And God’s message was simple:

“The battle is not yours, but God’s.”

What’s interesting is that nothing actually changed at that moment. The enemy was still coming. The threat was still real. The circumstances remained exactly the same. The only thing that changed was that they had received a word from God. I think many of us can relate to that.

You see, maybe you’re facing a situation right now that hasn’t changed. Maybe your child is struggling, or your finances are tight. Maybe you've lost a job, or you're caring for a sick loved one. Maybe you’re desperately praying for God to intervene and wondering why He hasn’t yet.

And while I don’t believe God causes our pain, I do believe He often asks us to trust Him in the middle of it.

Sometimes faith doesn’t look like watching circumstances change. Sometimes faith looks like standing on God's promises while the circumstances remain exactly the same. And when that's where we find ourselves, we have to remind ourselves what God has already said.

Scripture says that when we feel lonely, He promises never to leave us nor forsake us. When we are afraid, He reminds us over and over again not to fear. When our hearts are breaking, He tells us He is close to the brokenhearted. And when finances feel overwhelming, He promises to provide for our needs according to His riches and glory.

Faith chooses God's voice over visible evidence. It trusts what God has said more than what circumstances seem to be saying.

In verse 16, God gives Judah what might be one of the strangest military strategies in history. He tells them to go out and face the enemy. They still had to show up. They still had to take their positions. They still had to walk forward.

Because Faith isn’t passive.

And then Jehoshaphat does something that makes absolutely no sense. He places the singers in front of the army. Not soldiers. Not warriors. Not archers. But singers.

The plan of action was to have worship before warfare and praise before victory. And this was completely countercultural to what armies would do in battle.

In the ancient world, kings led armies with trained warriors. No king would have placed singers ahead of soldiers. Yet that’s exactly what happened. Because faith is demonstrated through obedience before understanding.

The singers began declaring:

“Give thanks to the Lord, for His faithful love endures forever.”

Notice what they were not doing. They were not thanking God for a victory they had already seen. Because victory hadn’t happened yet. The enemy was still there. The battle was still ahead of them.

But they worshiped based on God’s character - His faithfulness, His goodness, and His promises.

Honestly, that can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes I want to complain. Sometimes I want to focus on everything that is wrong and ask God to fix it. Sometimes I want answers so that I can understand what to do.

But this story reminds me that our relationship with God is about so much more than asking Him to solve our problems. And the heart of our faith is not simply what God does for us in difficult seasons, but what He has already done for us through Christ.

God sent His Son Jesus to this earth, fully God and fully man, to die on a cross for our sins. Three days later He rose again so that we could have direct access to the Father. The gift of salvation is completely free. And our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west.

And honestly, that’s enough for me to worship Him no matter what my circumstances look like.

I can tell you that right now I am walking through something that feels like it could break me at times. There are days when I want to complain. Days when I want to beg God to change my circumstances. Days when I want answers.

I keep coming back to this story and to the reminder that God is still good. He is still holy. He is still faithful. And He is still worthy of my worship whether my circumstances change tomorrow or not.

I want to be able to say, just like Jehoshaphat, that I will worship God regardless of the outcome. I will trust that He is working even when I cannot see it. I will call Him holy and worthy because He deserves all the praise.

You see, praise is not merely a response to victory. Praise is an expression of trust.

And as Judah worshiped, God moved. He set ambushes against the enemy. The armies turned on one another. The battle was won before Judah ever lifted a sword. Only God could have orchestrated something like that.

God specializes in victories that cannot be explained by human strength. He works in ways we do not understand because He is far bigger than we are. And that’s where I realized something.

Faith really does have a sound.

It sounds like a king praying, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.” It sounds like a nation fasting and seeking God. It sounds like obedience when God says, “Go out and face them.” It sounds like singers marching toward a battlefield. It sounds like worship before victory. It sounds like people trusting God before they see Him move.

So what sound is coming out of your life right now? Is it fear? Is it worry? Is it discouragement? Is it control?

Or is it faith?

Because before God brought victory to Judah, He heard the sound of faith rising from His people. And I believe He is still listening for that sound today.

So maybe today your next step isn’t fighting harder. Maybe it’s obeying. Maybe it’s worshiping. Maybe it’s surrendering your life to Christ for the very first time. Or maybe it’s simply lifting your eyes from the size of your battle to the greatness of your God.

Because before God brought victory, He heard the sound of faith rising from His people. And He still does today.

The people of Judah discovered something we all need to remember: The battle wasn’t theirs. It was God’s.

By this point in the story, Gideon had already gone from a fearful man hiding in a winepress to a mighty warrior used by God to deliver Israel. God had repeatedly proven Himself faithful. He answered Gideon’s requests for confirmation through the fleece test, reduced his army from 32,000 men to just 300, and then gave Israel a miraculous victory over the Midianites. There was no question who deserved the credit. The victory belonged to the Lord.

That’s why what happens next is so surprising.

After the battle, the people asked Gideon to become their king.

“I will not rule over you... the Lord will rule over you.” (v.23)

At first glance, Gideon seems to pass the test. He gives the right answer and points the people back to God. But as the chapter continues, a different picture begins to emerge.

Gideon asked for gold from the plunder and used it to create an ephod, a sacred object associated with worship. Normally, an ephod was connected to the priesthood, yet Gideon was not a priest. Then something tragic happened:

“All Israel prostituted themselves by worshiping it there.” (v.27)

That verse stopped me in my tracks. How could the people turn their attention to an object when God had so clearly been the One who delivered them?

As I dug deeper, I found that many Bible teachers see a disconnect between Gideon’s words and his actions. Although he rejected the title of king, he began living in ways that resembled one. He accumulated great wealth, established a religious center in his hometown, had many wives and seventy sons, and even named one of his sons Abimelech, which means, “My father is king.”

So what happened to Gideon?

The same man who once knew he desperately needed God began to drift after the victory. When Gideon was weak, afraid, and facing impossible odds, he depended completely on the Lord. But after the victory came influence, wealth, honor, and recognition. Somewhere along the way, compromise quietly crept in.

And maybe that’s the real warning of Judges 8. Gideon’s greatest danger wasn’t the Midianites. It was the subtle temptation to shift his dependence from God to the very blessings God had given him. Before long, the people were no longer focused on the God who performed the miracle. They were focused on the thing that reminded them of it.

As I reflected on Gideon’s story, I realized there have been seasons in my own life where the same thing happened to me. Looking back, I can see that when life was hard, I constantly cried out to God. I’ve lost count of the hours I spent weeping in my bedroom or sitting behind the keys of a piano, pouring out my heart and telling Him I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I needed Him. And every single time, He met me there. He carried me, strengthened me, and covered me with His grace.

But when life began to settle down and the crisis passed, something often changed. Not because I stopped needing God, but because I stopped feeling my need for Him. The desperation that once drove me to my knees slowly faded, and before I realized it, I had begun to drift. Just like Gideon, the danger wasn’t always in the struggle. Sometimes the greater danger was in the success that followed it.

I remember one of the many times I had quit drinking alcohol and slowly began letting it back into my life. Little by little, I started spending time with people who loved to party and found myself drifting away from my church friends. At the time, I thought I had everything under control. I had been sober for over a year. I was interning with the women’s ministry at my church. I was present with my boys, teaching them about God and the importance of following Him.

In my mind, I reasoned, What's the harm in going to a bar on a Friday night after dropping the boys off at their dad's house? Why shouldn't I have a few drinks? I wasn’t getting blackout drunk... at least not yet.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t making one big reckless decision. I was allowing small compromises to creep into my life. One step at a time, my heart was drifting.

My mentor at the time begged me to stop what I was doing. She warned me that I was an “all in or all out” kind of girl. I didn’t believe her. In fact, I was frustrated by what she was saying. I looked around and saw other Christians living that way and thought, Why can’t I?

But eventually, those small compromises caught up with me.

What started as a few seemingly harmless choices slowly led me down a different path. I dropped out of the internship program because I began convincing myself that I couldn’t be in leadership while living that way. I stopped attending church regularly. Over time, my drinking became heavier and heavier until I found myself right back where I never wanted to be again.

In hindsight, the problem wasn't one big decision. It was the slow accumulation of small compromises. Just like Gideon, I had begun to forget my need for the Lord because life was going well. I wasn’t facing a crisis. I wasn’t desperate. And in that comfort, I started letting things into my life that slowly pulled me away from Him.

The danger wasn’t the struggle. The danger was believing I was strong enough to handle it on my own.

Eventually, I hit another rock bottom and found myself crying out to God in desperation once again. And thankfully, He was faithful to meet me there. He always is. While I had drifted from Him through a series of small compromises, He had never drifted from me. His grace reached me in the pit and lovingly led me back to solid ground.

However, just like the Israelites throughout the book of Judges, I found myself repeating the same cycle. I would cry out to God for help, experience His rescue and faithfulness, and then, over time, begin to drift again.

But I don’t want to live that way anymore.

As I was reading Judges 8, I found myself crying out to God with a different prayer. I asked Him to help me continue pursuing Him and to remain desperate for Him whether I am walking through a crisis or enjoying a season of blessing. I don’t want my dependence on God to be determined by my circumstances.

That is my prayer - to never forget my need for Him.

I don’t want to be someone who seeks God passionately when life falls apart, only to slowly become self-reliant when life is going well. I want to live with a continual awareness that I need Him every single day. I want to know Him more, stay close to Him, and never lose sight of the fact that every good thing in my life comes from His hand.

I’ve heard many stories of people who walk away from God during times of suffering and hardship. But like Gideon - and like the Israelites - I also believe there are those of us who are tempted to drift when life is good. The crisis passes, the prayers get answered, the blessing comes, and slowly we forget how desperately we need the Lord.

Judges 8 reminded me that spiritual drift doesn’t usually happen all at once. It often begins with one small compromise, one distracted priority, or one self-sufficient thought at a time.

Gideon didn’t fall in the middle of the battle.

He drifted after the victory.

And if I’m honest, that’s the warning I needed most.

God clearly knew just what He was doing,
Creating my mom and me as her offspring.
Fully aware of the strong will He gave me,
He chose my sweet mom to lovingly raise me.

Perfect in every way that I need,
She’s the missing piece that has made my heart complete.
Ever so proud to belong to my mother,
I’m nothing but honored to be called her daughter.

With a big heart and a soul sweet as pie,
She pours out her love and brings joy to my life.
She’s never cast judgment on mistakes that I’ve made,
She eagerly listens to all that I say.

She’s the bandage that covers the wounds on my heart,
And warm rays of sun that shine through in my dark.
Although she has faults, she’s close to perfection,
No one comes close. She’s one in a million.
A rare diamond that should be proudly displayed,
Her beauty awakens the dawn of my days.

At times she is corny, I laugh with her still,
I treasure the moments, the joy and the thrill.
I also love hearing her heart when she speaks,
Her words filled with wisdom always bring me peace.

She is a queen who deserves royal treatment,
Yet chooses to live every day like a servant.
She does what she can to relieve hearts that hurt,
It’s simply her nature to put others first.
I hope that one day I will love just as my mom,
She’s my role model so caring and strong.

My mom is the best! She just gets what I like,
She even cooks me my favorite pot pie.
She notices quickly when life gets me down,
And gently she turns all my frowns upside down.

She lives in the shadows so all glory is mine,
She finds her fulfillment in watching me shine.
Playing the role of my biggest fan,
She cheers me on, saying, “Baby, you can!”
I’m fully convinced I’m her favorite girl,
She’s made it so clear that I’m her whole world.

She is the rock that holds our family together,
The affirming voice in a soft, gentle whisper.
Always a blessing and always a joy,
I’m so thankful she’s mine to love and enjoy.
There's no one as perfect as she is for me.
I'm thankful she's mine. I love you mommy.

To all the moms, bonus moms, soon to be moms, spiritual moms, and even the pet moms - I hope your Mother’s Day is filled with joy and peace, and that God brings true rest to your soul.

And to my mom - I love you more!

Happy Mother’s Day! 💛

Here’s a photo of my beautiful mom and me.:

And here’s a photo of me with my two sons - the ones who call me Mom:

There is a quiet joy in reading what I’ve written in seasons past. Whether the words were formed in the tension of struggle or the lightness of clarity, I’m reminded that God was with me through it all. And every time, it leads me back to praise Him for His faithfulness.

So I’m going back through old SOAP notes. If you don’t know what SOAP means, it is a devotional practice that anyone can follow. I learned it from a mentor, and it’s often associated with Wayne Cordeiro, who helped popularize it. SOAP is an acronym which stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer. You start by reading Scripture and writing down a verse or passage that stands out. Then you reflect on what’s happening in the passage, think about how it applies to your life, and end with a prayer. It’s a wonderful way to get into the Word, and interact with the Holy Spirit on how that verse applies to you personally.

As I read through them, I come across entry after entry where I’m asking God to take away my desire for alcohol and partying. More than a few. Honestly, most of them. It was a season marked by desperate prayers, pleading with Him to change my desires. Here are two of the prayers I wrote during that time.

I remember this season so well. Maybe that’s because I lived in it for so long.

It was normal for me to do well for a while, then fall back into old ways. I remember feeling so desperate, like I was never going to change. Like I was completely hopeless. I knew all the right tools that rehab had taught me, and I had experienced truly life-changing moments with God. So why wouldn’t my desire fully leave? Why did I keep falling into temptation?

At one point, I lost my fight and thought, “Who cares anymore?” It was a period when I stopped asking the Lord for help and dove headfirst into a lifestyle of getting drunk. I even carried a water bottle filled with vodka, because “why not?” I thought embracing that lifestyle would be easier than living in the tension between following God and being a party girl.

But it wasn’t.

I am the type of person who goes all in when I make a decision. Hence the water bottle of vodka. And I could get out of control when that false sense of confidence took over.

So I took a break from drinking again. I tried another rehab - outpatient this time. I prayed more and began strengthening my relationship with God, and I grew close to Him again. But slowly, over time, the desire to drink crept back in. And even though it wasn’t part of my daily life, I still found myself falling back into it on the weekends.

I hated who I was when I drank. And the next morning, I would be filled with horror as I listened to the stories of my drunken behavior.

I would hear people share how they prayed and God instantly took away their desire to drink. What a miracle. But that wasn’t my story, and if I’m honest, it made me angry.

Over time, I started to believe that maybe this was just my thorn. The one I would carry, like Paul talked about. Maybe freedom wasn’t meant for me. Still, I kept begging the Lord to take it away.

But my story doesn’t end there.

Freedom was His plan for me, and it had always been mine. But stepping into it and learning to live it out was a long journey.

For me, it took another rock bottom. I have had many. But something was different about this one. Because of what happened, the desire to live that way truly left me. I never thought that would happen, but it did. And now, years later, I can honestly say I have no desire to get blackout drunk again. God did that. Even through a horrible decision I made while drinking, He was able to turn something bad into something good.

As I read through my SOAP notes now, I remember the pain and desperation it all caused. I remember the anger and the hopelessness. I even remember blaming God at times, questioning why He wasn’t answering my prayers.

But now I see things differently.

As I read through those entries, I also remember the moments God met me in my room as I cried out to Him. I remember how He spoke to me in those moments, whether through His Word or through a personal encounter. The desperation I carried created a deeper desire to be close to Him, and God is always faithful to meet those who long for Him.

When I read through the anger, I’m reminded that He was still with me. He remained present, even when I was frustrated and hurting. And when I look at the length of the journey, I can honestly say I would not know Jesus the way I do now without it.

There were so many times I returned to Him, covered in shame, knowing I should have chosen differently, and still He forgave me. His grace was enough. There were consequences to my actions, because that is part of life - you reap what you sow - but even in that, I was being saved from what I truly deserved.

So as I continue to read through my SOAP notes and revisit all the desperate prayers where I begged God to take away my desire to drink, I can’t help but feel overwhelming gratitude for how He met me in that season. No, He didn’t answer me in the way I wanted Him to. But instead, He used one of my greatest struggles to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. And I can’t be disappointed, because looking back, I know my relationship with Jesus would not be as strong as it is today.

I want to encourage you today - God has a plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8–9). If you are struggling with something that feels completely hopeless - an area you feel you may never overcome - please do not give up. Maybe, like me, it has lasted for years.

God is waiting for you to come to Him and experience His lasting comfort and peace. There is purpose in your pain. While the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, God’s plan is to bring life abundantly (John 10:10). Only our Lord and Savior can take what was meant to destroy us and turn it for good (Genesis 50:20).

Do not give up. Seek the Lord. He will not let you down. I can say that with confidence, because He has never failed me.

And now, as I sit here, I realize it is time to write a new SOAP entry - one filled with gratitude for His goodness.

Scripture Reference

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8–9 (NIV)

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 (NIV)

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

I also started at a new school in middle school, which was a difficult adjustment. As I just stated, we didn’t have a lot of money, so I did not have name brand clothes. My teeth were not straight, and braces weren’t an option. It is fair to say that I was not popular.

I remember one of our homes was near a train track. I would walk up the road, climb underneath a culvert, and sit in the quiet. I was alone, but it felt peaceful. It was a place where no one was yelling, and no one was laughing at me. It was my safe place. And sometimes I would bring my pen and my paper, and I would write. Below is a piece I wrote during this difficult time of my life.

A Secret Garden
Written: 1997

You see the petals in pieces
As you hold them in your hand
You hold the key so proudly
As you open the garden
The river that once flowed
Is now filth and dry
You continually go
And help the garden die
At first you swooned this garden
The botanical love was there
You helped the garden develop
It was done in great care
But then your interest faded
And you decided to move on
But you kept the key to the garden
Although faith and love were gone
No-one’s allowed to enter
Except for your careless heart
You try to hide the abuse done
To the gardens every part
You realize what you’re doing
As you strip this garden bare
The gardens withering away
And you just sit there and stare
This garden tries to cry out
But you have it trained quite well
It doesn’t make a noise
As the bruises start to swell
No freedom belongs to this garden
It’s held captive by your key
If only it could break through
And truly be set free
But no, you won’t let go
You hold on with every might
You’re not happy with this garden
So you keep tearing at it’s life
But this garden can’t continue
This garden that you see
This garden that is dying
For this garden….is me

This poem was written about someone who hurt me over the years. I loved this person, but that did not take away the pain. The pain was real, and on some days it felt overwhelming. The day I wrote this poem was one of those overwhelming days.

Why am I sharing this with you today?

Because I know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love deeply. Not just once, but over and over again. I’ve wrestled with that kind of pain while still caring about the person who caused it.

I also know what it’s like to choose forgiveness again and again. Not because it is easy, and not because the hurt did not matter, but because I have been forgiven in that same way. Some days that choice feels heavy. Some days it feels impossible. But I keep coming back to it.

I want to say this clearly though. I am not someone who believes you should stay in an abusive situation. If you are in one, please seek help. You deserve safety. You deserve to be protected.

But I also know there is a difference between abuse and the reality that people are imperfect. Sometimes the people we love hurt us. That does not make the pain any less real, and it does not mean you are weak for feeling it.

If that is where you are today, you are not alone. I see you. I understand that tension of love and hurt existing at the same time. And I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and your story matters.

It has been a long time since I was that teenager trying to sort through all of those emotions. I have come a long way, and I am grateful for that. God met me in some of my hardest seasons and began to heal the places in my heart that carried so much pain for so many years.

Along the way, I learned that hurt people often hurt others. That truth does not excuse the behavior, but it has helped me understand it in a different way. It gave me language for things that once felt confusing.

I have also learned a lot about myself. For a long time, I was a people pleaser. I was afraid to fully be who I am. But through years of therapy and time spent with the Lord in prayer, something began to shift. I care more about what God thinks of me now, and I am learning to walk in who He created me to be. I am still growing, but I am no longer hiding.

I want you to hear this if you are in the middle of your own pain. You do not have to stay stuck there. You can begin to process it. You can write it out. You can sing it. You can take a walk and let yourself feel it. Most of all, you can bring it to God and let Him meet you in it.

Embracing healing is not quick, and it is not neat. It can be messy and uncomfortable. But it is real, and it is worth it. And you do not have to walk through it alone.

There is still life in places you thought were gone. The garden isn’t finished yet.

The speaker on the stage was talking about intimacy with the Lord. And how the moments she shared in the secret place with Him were so special to her. It intrigued me listening to how she explained the love she shared with the Father.

“I used to have that,” I thought. “I used to feel that close to Him, but not right now. I don’t even know how to be close when I’m living in secret sin.”

She referred back to a time God danced with her. She lifted her hands up and swayed back and forth, as her feet delicately took one step to the right and another to the left. She spoke so beautifully about how God pursued her during that dance, and how deeply meaningful it was to her.

It felt strange… almost uncomfortable.

All eyes were locked on her as she drifted across the stage, the soft piano lingering in the background. There was a shared longing in the room you could almost touch, because deep down every girl desires to be romanced.

And then - the invitation.

She softly invited everyone to stand to their feet and dance with Jesus. To experience him in a new, intimate way.

Most of the audience quickly rose to their feet and began to dance, while others hesitated at first. But it didn’t take long before everyone joined in, one arm extended and the other curved as if embracing a tree. Soon, they were all dancing.

But I didn’t.

I stood up. I couldn’t be the only person in the room sitting. But dance?! With an invisible Jesus?! I couldn’t.

After the night ended, I remember so many of my peers talking about how meaningful that dance had been to them. They spoke about feeling the presence of the Holy One in a way they never had before, and how they would never forget such a beautiful moment. I would smile and nod in agreement, knowing fully well that I didn’t experience what they did.

“Was that dance really that important? Did I miss out on something sacred that I will never get another chance at doing?”

Two days passed, and it was time for Sunday morning church. And like a good Christian girl does, I attended.

During the alter call, I felt compelled to go to the front and ask for prayer. I told the lady I was dealing with some things personally, and I wanted the Lord to help me through this. She had no idea that what I was really struggling with was partying heavily on the weekends, treating alcohol as if it were the greatest thing in the world.

She took my hands, bowed her head, and began to pray over the personal request I had shared.

And then for a moment, she became silent.

And a little more silence.

And I looked up at her to see why she quit praying.

She locked eyes with me and said “Christina. This sounds insanely weird. But I feel like the Lord is wanting to dance with you. Does this make sense?”

I stood there in complete shock. How did she know about this missed opportunity I had just two days before? She wasn’t there. In fact, I didn’t go with a group from the church. I attended in order to assist my mentor in making sure the retreat ran smoothly. So it wasn’t like there were a group of ladies walking around the church talking about their dance experience with Jesus.

My eyes started tearing, and with a small break in my voice from trying to hold back the tears I answered, “Yes. It makes sense.”

I briefly shared with her what happened during the retreat and how I chose to stand there instead of dancing like the others. She let out a small laugh and said, “I think Christ wants to dance with you. Go home, put on some music, and dance with your Creator.”

I made it home after church, ready to give this dancing thing a try. This particular weekend wasn’t my weekend to have my boys - they were at their dads home and wouldn’t return until the evening. So I had the house all to myself. Alone. No one was there to judge me as I danced in my living room, and no one to laugh at me either.

I put on a song I had learned at the retreat that spoke deeply to my heart called Broken Beautiful. I felt it was fitting considering how broken I felt inside.

“Well God, here goes nothing.”

I lifted my hands as if embracing a partner, closed my eyes, and started stepping side to side. At first it felt a little awkward, but I decided to push through. I already missed one opportunity for a dance, and I wasn’t about to pass this one up.

Right there, in the middle of my living room, I began to feel His presence surround me. A quiet peace settled in the room, along with a powerful love. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I knew in my heart that He was there with me.

No, I didn’t actually feel His body pressing against mine, but I knew He was there. There was a pounding in my chest, not from anxiety or stress, but from something deeper. It was a feeling I had known before - an awareness that Jesus was with me - and I was in utter awe.

We only danced to that one song, but I was left knowing the Father loved me. I was left changed.

I will never forget that day in my living room. That moment is etched into my mind and my heart.

I was living a lie - drinking until blackout most weekends, then showing up to church twice a week pretending to be free. Shame had become my closest companion, because I didn’t want anyone to know my secret. Even though I had once been sober for over a year, I had fallen back, and I was terrified to admit the truth.

And still…He pursued me.

How could a God so holy meet me in such an intimate way? He knew every time I turned to alcohol. He heard every lie I told to cover it up. Yet He still invited me to dance.

He wasn’t angry with me. He met me right where I was. His heart longed for mine even more than mine longed for His. And even though I didn’t deserve that moment, He still welcomed me in.

That dance was more than a moment.
It was grace.

It reminded me that God’s love is constant, even when I am not. That His grace does not run out, even when I fall short. Not so I can take advantage of it, but because He desires a relationship with me.

Isn’t this what the Cross is about? While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

I am honestly terrified of sharing this story on such a public platform, but the irony is I have named my Substack The Courageous Voice, so I am choosing to go ahead and post it.

I am sure some might read it and think I am a fanatical or crazy Christian - and that is okay.

I am choosing to share this for a few reasons.

1. There are some people who don’t believe they are worthy of Christ’s love. And I want you to know that is a lie from the enemy. God isn’t mad at you. You are not too far gone. If you listen, He is calling you. Pursuing you like He did with me. He longs to be close to you.

2. There are some of you that might be struggling with a sin despite being a follower of Christ. Maybe it’s alcohol or addiction like I experienced. Maybe it’s something else. God sees you. He is reminding you that shame is from the enemy. This article is a reminder to you that Jesus is waiting with open arms for you to come back to Him. Don’t run away from the only One who can bring freedom.

If anyone understands the struggle of feeling stuck, of following the Lord closely and then returning to sin, of the constant back and forth and the fear that God is tired of your mistakes, it is me. But I promise you that God is not tired of you. Return to Him. Keep moving forward. Freedom is possible, and it will come.

God desires to go deeper with each of you. He is calling in a still, small voice. I invite you to make space for Him. Let this be your invitation.

And who knows? Maybe He’s asking you to dance too.

My boys were little, and were so excited to attend the music festival that the city had started to host each year.

I wondered if he would be there. He was released from jail on bond and was texting me. Even though the previous six months he was locked up, he told me to quit writing him and putting money on his books. He wanted me to move on, but I didn’t want to.

I had spent those six months in deep heartache, but also with a desire to heal. At first I spent almost every waking moment thinking of him.

“What was he doing?”
”Is he thinking about me?”
”Is there another girl writing him in jail?”

I was miserable. And I needed to stop reminiscing on the good times and questioning the current. I remember reading in Philippians 4:8 where it states:

”Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

So I came up with a plan. I would allow myself thirty - sixty minutes a day to grieve his loss. And then throughout the rest of the day, if a thought of him came to my mind, I would start repeating Philippians 4:8. I didn’t know how else to change my mindset, except to literally say the verse over and over.

So why, after six months of this struggle, after six months of never hearing from him, why was he texting me once he was released on bond?

I was thrilled. I didn’t care about all the hard days of crying that I had before, or even the fact that I learned a new skill on redirecting my focus on a scripture verse rather than staying obsessed with this man. None of that mattered because he reached out and showed me he didn’t forget me.

I got the boys dressed in their oversized jeans and shirts with one of their favorite cartoon characters. Knowing them, one was probably wearing a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and the other was wearing a Spiderman.

We arrived. People were everywhere. And I told the boys to stay close by so I wouldn’t lose them. The sun had already fallen but thankfully, there were still bright lights shining around everywhere. However, the crowd was so thick I knew if the boys ran off I would be frantically searching in hopes of finding them.

And then, there he was. My youngest son saw him and yelled his name. He turned and locked eyes with me, and then quickly darted through the crowd.

“Why was he running away? Wasn’t he happy to see us?”

I took my boys hands and started chasing him. I knew he saw us all. But he didn’t look excited one bit to see me or my children. Instead he vanished. But I wasn’t giving up. He was texting me before the event, flirting with me and leading me on. I know he wants to see me, right?

But then it happened. My stomach sank as I watched him walk up to another girl and wrap his arms around her like I wasn’t even there.

My youngest son yelled out his name again. But I immediately took both of my boys and turned around to go back to where we started. My youngest was crying, “I want to see him mommy, I want to see him.” But I just kept walking in the other direction.

That was a hard night. Not only did I have to console my children and try to keep it together for at least another hour of the music festival - I mean, I couldn’t have just upped and left after spending a $15 entry fee for all three of us - but I went home and completely broke after putting my children to bed.

I cried and I cried and I cried.

You would have thought it wouldn’t have hurt so bad. I mean, I did spend the last six months without any contact from him. And this wasn’t the first time I caught him with another woman. It happened another time before he went to jail. But it still deeply hurt. I guess I was holding on to the fact that once he was released he would come back to me. But seeing him holding somebody else loosened my grip on the false hope that I was tirelessly holding onto.

I literally cried myself to sleep that night.

And the next day at church, I couldn’t stop crying either. I sat next to my best friend continuing to wipe my eyes with the tissues she kept passing to me. The preacher’s title sermon was called “Shattered.” Boy, wasn’t this a timely message.

After church, the boys and I all went home and napped. Crying really takes a lot out of your energy. And when I woke up, a miracle happened.

I LET HIM GO.

I knew I had finally let him go.

It felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders, and after hours of crying, whatever I had been desperately holding onto slipped away completely. And I was finally able to move on.

Why am I sharing this today?

Well, when all of this happened, I didn’t truly understand it. I was certainly thankful though! I never in a million years thought I would get over him. But almost instantly, I did.

But looking back, I now see that it wasn’t something instant. It was a process that the Lord took me through to teach me a few things in life.

First , there is a battlefield of our mind. As my old mentor once told me “What we feed, grows.” (Thank you Regina!). Whatever we think about consistently is what devours us over time. The enemy knows this. So he tries to consume our minds with thoughts of worries or what-ifs. He tries to get us to concentrate on our daily struggles, instead of focusing on what the Lord has done.

I practiced this daily by reciting Philippians 4:8 any time I started thinking about that guy. I honestly didn’t know how else to think of something lovely or noble or true, so I just took the scripture from a literal basis and would repeat it.

However, you can only recite a verse so many times though before it can come mundane, so I would also listen to sermons on my phone while I worked. I was a cleaning lady at the time, so I had the availability to do this. And I would really focus my attention on what the preacher was saying.

It was hard, and at some times I failed, but most days I was able to redirect my focus from my pain to ‘anything that is excellent.’

With that being said, please hear me out. I am not saying to ignore your pain. That would be horrible advice. As I shared above, I took time each day to grieve and think about him. But I only allowed myself a set amount of time each day. Once that time was over, I would begin quoting the verse.

What felt like survival at the time was actually transformation happening beneath the surface. I just didn’t realize it yet. This leads me to point two.

Second, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was actually practicing neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to form new neural connections, strengthen or weaken existing ones, and adapt based on your experiences, habits, and thoughts. Whether you’re aware of it or not, your brain is doing this every single day.

So what does that mean?

It means that whatever you consistently think about is shaping pathways in your brain. Your mind is constantly being rewired by what you do, think, feel, and repeat.

If you repeatedly think, “I’m not good enough,” your brain begins to build and strengthen pathways that reinforce that belief. But if you start thinking, “I am growing and learning in this area,” your brain begins to strengthen a new, healthier belief instead.

So in those moments when I was replacing my wandering thoughts about him with Scripture, I was actually retraining my mind, strengthening my focus on the Lord while weakening the hold those thoughts about him had on me.

Looking back, that night and the following morning of nonstop crying wasn’t just grief.

That wasn’t just me falling apart… it was my body finally letting go.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was a full emotional release. My body was resetting.

Research shows that emotional crying releases stress hormones like cortisol, activates the body’s calming response, and helps us process and move through emotional pain.

In other words, my mind was shifting from being stuck in a cycle of pain to finally processing it and letting it go.

And you know what was even more beautiful? That breaking point wasn’t the end for me. It was exactly where God met me.

Psalm 34:18 says
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

And He really did save me in that season.

You see, God walked with me through that entire journey. He held me while I cried and comforted me when I needed it. He met me in ways I didn’t even know were possible, gently speaking to my heart and drawing me close to Him.

So I want to encourage you today. If you are in a place where your thoughts feel overwhelming and your heart feels heavy, I want you to know this…

There is a way through it.

Practice quoting Scripture instead of rehearsing everything you are worried about. If you are processing through a hard life experience, take time each day to do so. Journal. Cry. Scream. But do not stay in that place.

Begin to take back the battle in your mind.

You are not alone. You are not stuck.

And God will walk with you every step of the way, just like He did with me.

What is one thought you’ve been holding onto that you need to let go of? Feel free to leave your answer in the comments.

What if someone had stepped in?
What if someone had cared?
What can I do to help someone who is struggling?

Though this story is intense, this is the reality many people live in.
If you need help, please reach for it. And if you see someone who is struggling, do not ignore it. You may be the one who makes a difference.

***WARNING: This piece shares a story involving addiction, sex work, and overdose. It may be heavy for some readers, so please take care while reading.

The world called her a failure.
A mess up.
Another lost and wasted life.
She knew they were talking about her.
And she drowned in their judgements.
And though everyone knew her name, she was consumed by loneliness.
Her body ached. Her soul was tired and her heart was heavy in regret.
She was painfully aware of the burdens that her life had brought to others.
And shamefully accepted her title as a hopeless mistake.

Her story is one seared by pain, poor choices, deception, and a search for acceptance.
And she wondered if a happy ending was even possible.
But she quickly disposed of that wonder.

In her past, dreaming for better days and wishing for happiness always ended with tears streaming down her cheeks.
She doesn’t have time to wish on a star or fantasize of fairytale endings.
She won’t even allow her soul to be comforted with the false hope of the what ifs or the maybes.
She knows they do nothing but add to her suffering when forced to tackle through the disappointment of another broken dream.
She’s made a mess of her life and she needs a way out.
And there’s no wishful thinking she can do that will break her free.

She’s never had an easy life.
To give up dreaming was something she learned early on.
Her childhood taught her that men are cheaters as she watched her dad leave her mom for another woman. And never return.
Her peers bullied her because she was poor and awkward, teaching her to hate herself and to question her value.
The constant rejection from others became a familiar feeling she faced daily.
Their harsh words carried an intense pain that even tainted the joyful moments in her life.
She hoped the hurt would subside as she got older, but the passing years failed to bring relief to her aching heart.
The agonizing realization that she wasn’t wanted or accepted by her fellow classmates left her wishing she was dead.

Over time, her tears of anguish morphed into feelings of anger. And bitterness soon raged deep within.
Her heart became hard and she grew a thick skin.
She was determined to prove that she could not be destroyed by their constant ridicules.
So she learned to act strong as she hid her loneliness behind a mask of smiles.

Shattered dreams and counterfeit love threaded its way into the fabric of her delicate heart.
She was trapped in a world of rejection and pain and she desperately wanted to escape.
On her 16th birthday, someone introduced her to a white powdery substance, and guaranteed her that this was the answer to all of her problems.
Though hesitant, she accepted their offer and snorted her way into pure ecstasy.
It was an experience like no other, and she was forever hooked.
She fell in love with its magical ability to sweep her away into a glorious bliss.
And found herself skipping school in order to spend her days satisfying the craving that consumed her.

The years quickly passed and it became easier for her to run from her suffering heart.
She hid in her own little world, full of disillusionment and false promises.
She was careless in her living, and took full advantage to silence her regrets by getting high.
She graduated from powder to using needles.
She despised a sober mind, as it would surface her buried afflictions and remind her of who she really was.
So she filled her veins with pleasure in an attempt to be freed from the pain.
But in reality, her soul was far from freedom.

She blindly surrendered her life to her addiction and over time, she crumbled underneath its reign.
Digging its claws deep into her soul, and never once loosening its grip, it tormented her with its deafening cries for just one more fix....one more fix.....
It boasted its ability to triumph over her, and enjoyed mocking her and her weak spirit as she was forced to serve her evil master.

Her addiction caused her to lose job after job, and she found herself deep in debt, with no open doors for any future income.
She had exhausted every way possible to earn a dollar, and her lack of money troubled her.
One evening, her financial situation became too much for her to handle, and she longed for an escape.
Her body began to tremble, and her muscles tightened and ached.
A cold sweat dampened her forehead, and her ears were filled with her masters calling.
An intense craving permeated through every cell of her body, and she began to squirm in restlessness.
With no funds available to buy her any satisfaction, she embraced a mentality fueled by desperation.
And made the decision to sell her body to men as her profession.

It didn’t take long for word to spread.
Her poor way of surviving was the town’s hot new gossip.
And while they loved to cast judgement and hurl out insults, no one was surprised at her decision to be a sex worker.
Her life had always been a disappointment to society, and they expected the same of her future.
She heard their whispers. And felt their disgust.
But she still held her head high as she walked the streets in her red stilettos.
Their opinions no longer mattered to her, and she wanted to make that obvious with her proud and haughty attitude.
With an ever growing list of clientele,
She found her life as a call girl to be successful.
And for the first time ever, she had an overflow of money.
Her lavish lifestyle was full of shopping sprees and steak dinners.
And she always had enough to buy her another fix.
She found a sense of value from her high priced possessions.
Her wealth inflated her ego, giving her a false sense of empowerment.
But the very thing that filled her bank account slowly drained her self-worth.

Months kept passing, yet her behavior stayed the same.
Each time she booked a new client she knew she could purchase more of what her body craved.
She wasn’t happy. She knew this deep inside.
But the attention from the men, and the false peace her drug use brought her, kept her mind from ever having to face the harsh reality of her aching soul.

She did experience times where she wanted to stop.
She wanted out of this lifestyle.
She even attempted to get help a time or two in the past.
But once she’d be released, her master would start gently calling her.
Reminding her that it was patiently waiting.
Always there. Always ready to bring relief to her pain.
It was the one thing in her opinion that didn’t let her down.
And it was the one thing she’d always returned to.
Knowing that one client was easy money, she would call up a “regular.”
And then go buy the product that would replace her inner chaos with a deep blissful state.

And then one day, it happened.
As she filled her veins with sheer ecstasy, she couldn’t stop the desire for more.
Emptying the needle completely, she is overcome with an odd feeling.
She began to shake as the reality bursts through the walls she created and violently assaulted her fantasy world.
Explosions of harsh truth wreaked havoc and demolished every lie she hid behind.
The attack showed her no mercy as it brutally exposed everything she had run from her entire life.
The pain was unbearable.
Regrets filled her thoughts.
And she knew this was the end.
She looks around the room and realizes she is alone.
No one is there to help her.
And she is consumed in fear.
Her last moments of breathing reflect the life she had run from.
Alone, struggling, and in deep anguish.
And she closes her eyes and exhales her final breath.

If you or someone you know needs help, you are not alone. Here are resources that can help:

Addiction support:

• SAMHSA National Helpline
  Call or text: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  Free, confidential, 24/7 support for substance use and mental health

Suicide and crisis support:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
  Call or text: 988
  Available 24/7 for anyone in emotional distress or crisis

Support for those in sex work or exploitation situations:

• National Human Trafficking Hotline
  Call: 1-888-373-7888
  Text: 233733 (BEFREE)
  Live chat also available online
  Confidential help, resources, and support

I have recently walked through one of the hardest seasons of my life. Our family was navigating some very difficult dynamics that, out of respect for my husband and children’s privacy, I will not fully share. And at the same time, I was working in a job that I truly loved, but it required a great deal of emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. For a while, everything felt like a whirlwind. I would go from managing a crisis at work straight into another one as soon as I walked through the door at home.

It was a lot. All the time. And it seemed never-ending.

I knew I could not show up for everyone, and I truly did my best to keep healthy boundaries when I could. Still, I longed for the people I loved to experience peace, even as my own peace slipped away while I wrestled with everything inside. I found myself bringing all the hard questions before God and struggling through what I believed.

“Where are you, God? You said you would never leave me, but I feel so alone. Why won’t you step in and protect my family? I feel so weak. You said that in my weakness you would make me strong, but I don’t feel strong right now. Why won’t you help me?”

Over the years, I carried this with me. I kept asking the same questions and felt like I could not hear Him answer. The weight of everything around me never seemed to let up. Eventually, I fell into burnout.

I think many people experience burnout, especially in high demand roles that require constant effort and energy. But for me, it was more than just the demands of my job. It was not only the emotional weight of pouring into survivors of sex trafficking, many of whom carried complex trauma, or leading a team in a twenty four hour facility where I had to be available at any time if a crisis arose. It was that everything in my life felt heavy all at once.

Early in my career, I learned that I could not save every life that came through the doors of the program home. I held on to the belief that seeds were planted in each woman’s heart during her time there, even if she left early, and that brought me a sense of joy.

What was harder for me to let go of, and I am not sure I ever fully did, was the feeling that I needed to fix things when something went wrong. I gave my staff the authority to uphold the guidelines, but at times it did not feel like enough. As the program director, certain responsibilities came back to me, and it was a heavy weight to carry.

But what weighed on me the most? It was my family. I could not take away what they were walking through. I could not bring the same kind of resolution I had learned to reach in my work. Having adult children came with difficult challenges, so I found myself wondering if the right seeds had been planted when they were younger. I questioned whether they truly knew how much I still cared.

Life was hard, and I certainly wasn’t able to save the day. My human capacity had reached its limit. I was no superhuman.

And it was during this realization that I finally had to accept the fact that I couldn’t save my loved ones. I think as a mom we have this innate desire to protect our children. And when we see them hurt, we hurt too. In fact, when I see my child in pain, it affects me even more deeply than it does them. I think most moms would agree with this. But I would rather trade places with them and carry the weight myself than stand by and watch them suffer. But that’s not the way life works.

But through this experience, both through my family heartaches and the responsibility of the job, I discovered a new way of trusting the Lord. I had moved from a place of questioning Him, to trusting. I honestly had no other choice. So I gave it all to Him, and accepted that there was only so much I could do. And you know what’s funny? I found that when I finally released this false responsibility to save everyone to Him, He didn’t fail me. I wasn’t blinded by my own actions anymore and I could see clearly where He was protecting my family through different situations. I could see that He had never left my side. He wasn’t mad at me for questioning Him. In fact, my theology grew greater because my questions drove me to the Word more. And the scripture fed my ability to trust. Only He could turn my questions and burnout into something beautiful by deepening my trust in Him.

I did make the decision to step away from my role as the program director. It was a hard decision. One that I wrestled with probably longer than I should have. But leaving also required a level of me having to trust the Lord as well.

And my family? God has worked miracles that I will forever be grateful for. I am not saying everything is perfect, but things have truly improved. I am choosing to continue to trust the Lord, knowing that He is still protecting, still moving, and continually at work in each of their lives because He loves them even more than I ever could.

And as for me? I am starting to heal. I am no longer bouncing from crisis to crisis, and I am allowing my heart to process through the heaviness that I previously endured. Burnout isn’t fun. It depletes you of your entire self. But I am finding myself again. I am enjoying things that used to bring me life, such as singing or writing, and spending more intentional time with close friends and family. I wake up with hope again, because I know that God is in control, and He is orchestrating the next steps in my life. He has proven time and time again to me that He is faithful no matter what life brings my way. And I am forever grateful for that.

Trusting the Lord can be hard at times, but it lifts burdens off my shoulders in a way I haven’t experienced before. And I pray that I can continue moving forward in my life with an unwavering heart that fully trusts in Him.

And hey! Maybe this could be my new superhuman power? To trust God in everything and just enjoy life! I think I will embrace that now. I mean, that’s what He wants from us, right?

Question: Is there something God is asking of you that you’re afraid to do? Or maybe you have been praying for someone for years and you feel completely hopeless? Maybe you are experiencing burnout? Or maybe you just struggle with trusting people, yet alone God?

If any of you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, or relate to anything that I have shared, please comment or DM me. I would love to offer encouragement and pray with you.

I was 29 at the time of writing this, and only a few years into my recovery journey. In my late teens and early 20’s, I abused drugs. Meth was my drug of choice. And I was living in a life of utter chaos and deep heartbreak. But after years of this lifestyle, and hitting one of my many rock bottoms, I chose to seek help.

I went to rehab, but relapsed after leaving. I lost my job because of this relapse, and found myself at the church I attended as a child. The love and help I received while there was life changing. I found God. And it was through complete surrender to Him that I was able to leave behind a life of drug use and begin my healing journey.

It wasn’t easy. And I wasn’t perfect. It had become the norm for me to stay clean for 3-4 months, and then mess up again. Typically my go-to at that point would be alcohol. Although it broke my streak of sobriety, it wasn’t drugs. But it was still wrong. And every time it would leave me feeling helpless, hopeless, and so defeated. But every time I stumbled, and was drowning in the weight of guilt, I was always met with compassion. My mentor at the time showed me God’s grace, and that is what ultimately changed my life.

I finally made it 6 full months, and my mentor took me to celebrate at The Cheesecake Factory. And then, I made it a year. I had broken the cycle!

My relationship with Christ was stronger than ever. And I felt on top of the world. Like I had achieved something far greater than most ever could. And I was beaming at the thought that I could one day start sharing my story to bring hope and light to others in need.

But then….I drank a margarita. Another night, I drank 2 beers. And I believed I was okay because it was just one or two drinks, right? I was cured of being an addict and it was okay for me to drink from time to time.

But I was wrong.

Over time, I found myself getting drunk. All the while, still attending church and trying to grow my relationship with the Lord. I hid in my own sin because I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit my faults and ask for help.

Around this time, is when I wrote this:

IMAGE
Somewhere in the journey I lost it......
Now here I am. Desperate.
I once was so passionately lost in love with Him.
Now relationships lost for mere religion.
You see.....
I’ve mistaken grace for something it isn’t.
Taken all the “donts” and slowly drowned in em
And flipped them around to become my truth.
A pro in the game. Top player. And you?
You watch on the sidelines forever saying
Great Job my friend! You’ve overcame it all!
But the reality is I continue to fall.
I just can’t bring myself to admit
Of the secret, the sin
I continually commit.
Tears stream down my face at night
But a smile I wear as the suns shining bright.
While everyone cheers all my growing in Christ
I’m doing my best to pretend I’m alright.
I claim to be intimate with the Lord above
While foolishly acting like I’m my own first love.
Selfish, confusion, rebellion and greed
A glutton to pleasures the world offers me.
As long as I smile and raise up my hands
Say all the right answers, shout out my amens
The whole world I can fool!!!
But guess who’s still at the fathers right hand ......
Jesus.....my friend?......
Omniscient and all knowing.
Relentlessly he intercedes
Calling my name out with an intense clarity.
He sees me.
No more hiding.
I’m morphed into full transparency.
My facade he erases
And strips me bare from all excuses.
Tired of hearing my rehearsed scripts
He reaches down and silences my lips.
It’s nothing but I and Him ....
I hang my head down in shame.
I’m sorry Lord for the game that I’m playen.
It’s true I really want to change.
But I’m not sure I’m ready. I want to save face.
To sacrifice pride and the image I’ve gained
I’d loose it all Lord. I’d loose everything.
Tho u tell me if I die, I’ll actually live.
I’d rather play God then actually give
It my all.
My heart slowly hardens.
We grow farther apart and
I wonder why I can’t hear him speak to me.
Why a God so pure and Holy
Would even engage in conversation with a soul so polluted in sin ...
It’s disgusting.
I’m running away instead of into His arms.
I know He’s the answer,
But I’d rather do it alone.
I can’t bear the weight of letting everyone down,
So I grieve the Holy Spirit,
Wearing chains like a self-made crown.
I’ve turned from a heart in love to one ashamed.
It’s no longer relationship
Religion took its place.
But hey! This is my choice.
I’m top player of the game.
I’m sorry Lord, I love u
But I have an image to maintain.

As you can see, I was torn between my party-girl lifestyle and pursuing Jesus Christ as my savior. In the end, it was all just me giving in to my flesh. I longed for a platform. I wanted to help others. But I also craved the poison that helped me forget the turmoil within.

I would love to say I chose what was right. But I didn’t. I finally told my mentor the truth of what I was doing. And told her I no longer wanted to pursue ministry. I let my sin overpower my life in Christ, and lingered in the defilement of my own choices. This decision led me down another path. More that I wrote about and want to share with you in the future.

Stay tuned and keep reading as I take you on a journey through my healing. I’ll share how the Lord met me in some of the most difficult seasons of my life, along with other writings from before this moment. I’ll also do my best to show where each piece fits within my story.

But before I close, I want to be clear. I am not in that place anymore, and I am so thankful for that. But if you are, if your soul feels heavy and you believe you are not good enough for God or the church because of your struggles, please know this is not from the Lord. The Holy Spirit convicts, but His conviction leads to life. It does not bring confusion or crushing feelings of unworthiness.

Sin thrives in silence. So it is important to find someone that you can be open and honest with. Someone like my old mentor, who will meet you with grace and kindness. But still someone that is willing to help hold you accountable if needed.

God is not mad at you. And He hasn’t given up on you. He loves you and knows you more deeply than you know yourself. Do not give up. I can honestly say that alcohol no longer has power over me, and it has been over 10 years since I have touched drugs. If I can overcome a stronghold that I battled for years, I know you can too.

And remember, while you may be striving to hold an image that makes you feel worthy to others, God already calls you worthy. You are created in His image. There is nothing greater than finding your identity in Christ and becoming who you were always meant to be. Your true self. Which is absolutely beautiful.

I cannot do this life without Him.
I am my best person with Him.
My true self.
He softens my heart and fills me with compassion.
He strips away the root of pride and plants His gentle spirit deep into the grounds of my soul.
He demolishes every stronghold I have set up against Him as He fills me with His truth.

Oh my sweet King Jesus!
Proudly sit on the throne of my heart! And have your way with my life.
Kill my sinful desires. And overwhelm my flesh.
Holy Spirit possess me. For I am all yours.
Drench me in your presence. And Let me drown in your love.

How I love these moments in your presence.
Your sweet sweet presence.
How I love to wake in the morning and become alive again.
Fill me to overflowing.
Let Your fullness never cease.
For there is nothing in this world that satisfies like You do.
Nothing.

So I will spend my days forever praising You.
I will awake in the mornings thanking You.
For you are good! And your mercies endure forever!
I will love You with all my heart. All my soul. And all my strength!
And love others more than I love myself.
For today is a new day! A gift from You!
And I thank you for it my sweet King Jesus.

—Selah

I don’t always write in perfect iambic pentameter or craft vivid imagery that pulls tears from your eyes. But I’ve written. A pen and paper have always been within reach. These days it’s more likely a keyboard beneath my fingertips, but it’s still there. Waiting.

Writing has always felt like a friend. Quiet. Steady. Ready to hold the wandering thoughts circling in my mind.

I’ve always wanted to share my words, but fear kept them tucked away. What I write is a reflection of my soul, and that kind of honesty can feel terrifying.

But I’m in a new season now. A season of stepping out and trying new things. I’m learning to be brave out loud. I am becoming the courageous voice.

Here you’ll find some of my old writings and some brand new ones. Some will be poetry or song. Others will be journal entries or simple reflections. I am a follower of Christ, and that faith will weave itself through much of what I share.

I have walked through suicidal thoughts, addiction, depression, and trauma. I’ve been a single mom. I am now part of a blended family with adult children and three grandchildren. I’ve also walked alongside others in their abuse and healing journeys.

My writing will reflect it all.

But above everything, it will be me. On paper.

So come have a seat. Read. And watch as what once lived in a private journal slowly steps into the light as a courageous voice