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❌Disclaimer: we are not medical professionals and this is not to be taken as medical advice. This is personal stories and …

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👉🏼 1. My body deserves unconditional self love no matter what phase it’s in, what size or shape it is, or how big or small my chest is.

And 2. That the path to self love was just a stepping stone to the real lesson… I am worthy. I have value.

Society taught me to hate my natural body. I was too skinny. Too flat chested. I wasn’t “a real woman”. Bones were for dogs. Flat chests made you look like a prepubescent kid…. I grew up hating myself.

I couldn’t gain weight. I couldn’t get over 100lbs no matter how much I ate. I had my son and got even skinnier. I was 93lbs at 24… So I turned to breast implants. (If you’ve read the July issue of my newsletter, you know I was also in an abusive relationship which made me hate myself more)

At 25 I had my daughter and finally kept on some weight. I was 115lbs and had D cup breast. I thought I finally had the body I always wanted. People stopped commenting on me being thin. Instead I got attention I had always craved.. my personality changed. I became someone I wasn’t. My identity started to revolve around my body. My sexuality. I morphed into a version of me I never should have became. But deep down all my trauma and pain was bottled up, unhealed, waiting to resurface.

BII hit me hardest in 2018. The thought of losing my implants was not an easy decision. But I came to the conclusion my health and being here for my kids was more important. BII has me believing I was going to die. If not from the illness or surgery, then from suicide (I had severe anxiety and panic attacks).

I explant in September 2018. And while I had a long road of healing my body from the damage implants caused, I also had to deal with healing my mind. All that old stored trauma and insecurity resurfaced. I had a lot to heal. I spent a year feeling everything I hid behind the security blanket of implants. It got dark. I had an identity crisis. I had to learn who I was without them. But it had to be done.

I thought I had worked through my body image issues. I thought I had found unconditional self love. I began working out, gaining muscle. But in reality I was working out to put weight on in other areas I disliked about my body to make up for the lack of breasts.

2021-2023: I again felt like I was back in a body I always wanted. This time, I fully loved my small chest but had gained weight through my thighs and butt and felt sexy again. My old ego.. the one who placed worth on her body, started to resurface a little. But I was finally feeling healed of BII. I had worked through a lot of trauma and felt lighter in my head. I had regulated my nervous system. I thought I was ready to move forward!

2024: December of 2023 to January of 2024. I caught a bad case of Covid. Covid triggered a severe gut infection. I dropped 10lbs. I wasn’t overly concerned. I knew I could gain it back. And I did. Pretty quickly with weight lifting, high calorie weight gainer, and eating more. But just as I started feeling comfortable in my body again… the infection relapsed and I dropped to 100lbs. Right after the infection cleared back up, I had my abdominal surgery (5 days after we moved 3 hours from home for my husbands job) to remove migrating filshie clips. I couldn’t work out. I couldn’t gain it back. Recovering from the surgery was excruciating. They found I had abdominal adhesions from my c sections that stretched from my bowel to my abdominal wall. The surgery stretched them when they put air in my abdomen. The pain in my abdomen lasted 6-8 months. My gut was at an all time low not just the damage of the infection but now from the surgery and new adhesions. I could barely eat anything. I stayed stuck at 100lbs. I couldn’t be intimate with my husband as it would cause abdominal pain. I couldn’t sleep in my bed as it wasn’t comfortable for my abdomen. I couldn’t eat hardly anything but easy to digest foods. It literally felt like the universe was taking everything away from me. And to top it off I was 3 hours away from anyone I knew that could help.

More unhealed trauma started to resurface. The skinny trauma. And more bottled up trauma from my life. Things got dark again. I felt ashamed of my body. My breast even got smaller. I hid under oversized tee shirts. I didn’t want anyone to see how skinny I was. I even apologized to my husband for my body. Which was absolutely uncalled for. And he made sure to tell me I had no reason to apologize… but that’s how much I hated myself in that moment.

I finally stopped fighting it and sat with it. I sat with all the trauma coming back and I felt it all. I started understanding I hadn’t healed the skinny insecurities yet. I had healed the small chest insecurities, but not the old pain associated with my natural skinny body. And the universe made sure I sat with it. Cause every time I started putting any kind of weight back on, my gut would flare up and I’d lose it again. I had a lot of work to do.

2025: I got a GI MAP test done to find out the damage from the infection and surgery. There was a lot. Including leaky gut and SIBO. I started on treatment. My gut stopped flaring as much. I was able to start working out again as my abdominal pain was calming down. And I was able to start gaining weight back. I still couldn’t be intimate or sleep in my bed, but things were improving. Summer came and we moved back home for his job again… I was starting to feel like I was on an upward swing. I had healed so much more trauma. Worked through more insecurities. And stopped being ashamed of my naturally thin body. I stopped hiding behind big shirts even though I was still only about 106lbs. I thought this is it! I finally have full unconditional self love.

2026: On Christmas Eve 2025, I injured my knee. I couldn’t walk on it for a couple months and when it finally was healed all my muscles in my left leg and butt cheek had completely atrophied. The muscle and weight I had put back on… was again gone.

Now, not only was I back in my skinny and now odd looking body, I couldn’t go upstairs so was stuck on the couch again, couldn’t walk, still would have pain with intimacy so still wasn’t doing that, still only eating easy to digest foods, couldn’t take care of my elderly dog who was quickly declining with dementia and having accident often, couldn’t go anywhere cause not only could I not walk but I couldn’t eat out or be away from my dog for long… I felt trapped. Trapped in my body. Trapped in my house. Trapped in a loop of one bad thing happening after the other where anything that brings me comfort or joy had been taken away from me. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse… my elderly soul dog had to cross the rainbow bridge. Everything I loved truly felt like it had been taken away…

But this time… new lessons emerged. New understandings. Once I stopped fighting it.

I learned I held deep seated beliefs in my subconscious that I was unworthy. That I couldn’t have joy. I couldn’t be what I wanted. I couldn’t have what I wanted. That I didn’t have value. It wasn’t just about bodily insecurities. Those were just a small part of what was actually the issue.

I thought my body was what gave me worth. But through all this.. I realized.. I’m worthy no matter what. Small chest. Skinny body. Whether I can or can’t be intimate. Whether I can or can’t work or be productive as a wife. (Believe me as someone who was always independent before BII… not being able to work was devastating and felt like I was worthless having to rely on my now husband.. but that’s a whole other story) I’m worthy. I have value. And it isn’t based on what my body looks like or what I can or can’t do for other people. I just…. Am.

And here’s where I am now. My body is depleted. It’s weak. But now I’m rebuilding from a place of love… to be stronger and healthier. I have changed my mindset. I no longer go through my day as the person who identified with sickness, pain, lack, or insecurity. When I have to make a choice.. I ask myself.. what would the version of me who already has everything I desire do? And then I do what I think she would. I speak lovingly to my body. No matter what it looks like. I thank it for getting me through all the days I wanted to give up. I tell it it’s healthy and thriving instead of speaking down to it that it’s sick or injured. In doing this things that had been “taken away” have started coming back. I sleep in my bed again, after two years on the couch. I can sleep on my sides again, after two years of only being able to sleep on my back. I can be intimate with my husband again, after two years of fear due to abdominal pain. I’m finding ways to show up more within this community that I would have been scared of before due to criticism making me feel unworthy. Now I let criticism roll of my back and even kind of laugh at some of it. I’ve learned my time is just as valuable as anyone else’s. And I don’t have to offer everything for free due to negative comments. After 8 years of giving away my energy all day every day for free to the point that some took advantage of me. I’m no longer going to shrink myself to make others comfortable. My leg is finally making progress. I don’t feel trapped like it did. And I find gratitude for what I have now as opposed to thinking I won’t be happy until I have -insert desire here-

The lesson of self love was not the end game. It was the stepping stone. And until I healed all the trauma, all the insecurities… I was going to remain stuck in that loop of things being taken away. Learning to love myself no matter what my physical body looked like, was the catalyst to complete understanding.

Now. Excuse me… it’s time to rebuild my body with love instead of hate. ✨

(Pictures below to show the ups and downs)

If you this resonates, subscribe to The Explant Times: A Breast Implant Community Newsletter. August is featuring an interview with Dr Sood and my column “Breast Implant Illness: A Husbands Perspective” my husbands message about our journey with BII and his message to other husbands and partners. Link to subscribe in the comments.

Welcome to the first issue of 📣The Explant Times📣

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