As I cross the bridge from teenager to a woman in her early 20’s, I’ve noticed a wave of loneliness hit the women around me both in real life and on social media, and I’d like to debunk the myth that romance is life’s greatest achievement.

Somewhere between eighteen and twenty-five, loneliness becomes feminised. Entire industries begin convincing women that a boyfriend isn't simply something nice to have, but evidence that life is progressing as it should.

I’ve recently come across a particularly niche and exciting corner of TikTok which has absolutely influenced the way I think and see the world, and I’m not complaining. My FYP has been filled with open and honest mothers with tweens and toddlers, who are consistently warning the young women of my generation to think twice before getting married and having kids.

Whether you agree with these women or not, these videos are raising an uncomfortable but NECESSARY question that we must all be asking ourselves:

Why do we treat romantic love as the ultimate measure of a successful life?

Let’s fast forward to the husbandless women in their 40’s… they’re pitied, judged and labelled. Women who are child-free are asked why, and people wonder if they regret it.

Here’s some interesting research…

Note: yes, my research is biased. I am actively LOOKING to see whether women truly gain from relationships as much as society claims we do. Nevertheless, the research is real and/but I do implore you to go out of your way and do your research.

Countless studies suggests that marriage tends to improve men’s health and longevity more consistently than women’s. Men often experience better physical health, lower mortality, and greater emotional support when they’re in long-term relationships. Women can absolutely benefit too, but those benefits are generally smaller and depend far more on the quality of the relationship. A healthy partnership can be deeply enriching… But an unequal or unhappy one can become another source of labour and stress.

Research consistently shows that women are more likely than men to maintain close friendships outside of romantic relationships. When women are single, many invest their time in friends, family, hobbies, careers and community. Their emotional support network doesn’t usually depend on having a partner. For many men, however, a romantic partner is often their primary source of emotional intimacy. Researchers have repeatedly noted that men are less likely to maintain emotionally close friendships, meaning the absence of a partner can leave a much larger gap in their support system.

Even widowhood tells a more nuanced story than the stereotypes suggest. (While losing a lifelong partner is undeniably painful), studies have found that women, on average, often adapt better over time than men following the death of a spouse. That doesn’t mean widowhood is desirable or that grief disappears. It simply challenges the assumption that a woman’s entire wellbeing rests on having a husband.

None of this proves that women shouldn’t fall in love, get married or have children. It certainly doesn’t prove that relationships aren’t wonderful. What it does challenge is the belief that a woman’s life is somehow incomplete until she finds one.

If the evidence tells us anything, it’s that relationships are not a universal formula for happiness. Their value depends on who you’re with, how you’re treated, and whether the relationship genuinely improves your life.

That’s a very different claim from the one society often makes… that simply having a partner is, by itself, evidence of success.

I am NOT saying we throw the idea of boyfriends away, just saying we should be content without one.

Freedom is and will always be one of your highest values.

I will end this piece with an amusing quote I saw on Substack the other day:

She was poetry.

He was illiterate.

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This article was written on 13/06/26 but was posted a fewdays later. I’m aware lot on LI has happened since.

In the past 48 hours, I’ve seen the internet shift from referring to Jasmine as ‘that girl’ and the ‘baddest islander to ever enter the villa’ to criticising her as a ‘pick me’ and an ‘attention seeker’ who is ‘doing too much’.

Let’s discuss.

A brief disclaimer is necessary: this is my interpretation, influenced by my beliefs, opinions, experiences, and personality.

Reality TV, especially Love Island, creates a false sense of intimacy, and none of us truly know Jasmine Muller. We only know the version of her that appears when we sit down at 9 pm each evening to watch her (and the other islanders) on ITV.

I will also write this article with the assumption that her sister, mother, or loved ones will read it, as well as Jasmine herself when she leaves the villa.

Frankly, everyone should discuss islanders with the assumption that they might read it. xx

I was going to analyse Jasmine specifically, but while writing this article, I realised that what’s more interesting is why so many people across the UK can watch the same woman and come away with such different conclusions about who she is.

In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to write this article is that I believe the conversation about Jasmine has, at times, become oddly one-dimensional. Some people online appear intent on reducing her solely to her appearance, while others are equally determined to dismiss her because of them - enraged that ‘pretty privilege’ supposedly excuses her ‘bad’ behaviour.

Either way, her beauty ultimately becomes the focus.

I don’t know Jasmine personally, but from what I gather from the discussions she posts online, she would probably agree that women are often valued, acknowledged, and appreciated primarily for their attractiveness, while their intelligence, personality, and opinions are considered secondary. If Jasmine were to read this article, I’d want her to know that her stunning external beauty is the least interesting thing about her.

WHY JASMINE BECAME “THAT GIRL”

I’ll keep this section as brief as possible because it doesn’t require a degree in Psychology to understand why Jasmine Muller was immediately labelled ‘the it girl’ of Love Island.

However, I will take a moment to appreciate what she represents. With Shakira Khan last season being an incredible representation of Pakistani (and thus South Asian) beauty, Jasmine’s half Indian (Gujarati) and half Dutch heritage was equally refreshing to see on national television. As a brown girl, seeing a South Asian woman receive hundreds of TikTok edits, Instagram reels, and positive comments celebrating her beauty (after literally just a few episodes, lol) was strangely and incredibly healing.

For many of us, South Asian beauty was simply not regarded as the standard while growing up. Seeing her enter the villa wearing jhumkas (a traditional Indian style of earrings) and embracing her Indian culture, while being almost immediately recognised as one of the most beautiful girls there, was, of course, significant.

After exploring her content on TikTok and Instagram, it is clear that her connection to Indian heritage goes beyond mere aesthetics. She looks stunning in traditional outfits such as saris, adorns henna, and enjoys traditional Indian food with her younger sister, Bella. One of the first signs of Jasmine’s self-awareness that I noticed was in content I came across online, where she admitted that, growing up, she sometimes felt ashamed of her Indian heritage (Isabella Silvers has an interview with Jasmine on this). I would wager that many brown girls can relate - I know I do. Jasmine was able to acknowledge her past feelings and consciously grow beyond them.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that even before Jasmine spoke, she already symbolised something to many viewers, myself included.

FROM “THAT GIRL” TO CONTROVERSIAL

However, I soon noticed an increasing number of videos on the internet arguing that she isn’t ‘that girl’, is regurgitating ‘TikTok feminism’, and is doing ‘too much’.

What we are witnessing is a classic cycle of pedestal building, followed by pedestal destruction.

We’ve seen this happen to women such as Huda Mustafa and Leah Kateb from Love Island USA, and to women like Shakira Khan and Toni Laites on Love Island UK. The audience initially deems them perfect, iconic, and the most beautiful girls they have ever seen. However, the admiration quickly fades when the audience inevitably realises that they’re human and they interrupt someone, cry, or have a difficult moment.

Jasmine went from being the prettiest islander to enter the villa to becoming a ‘pick me’ and an attention seeker.

WHAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY DISLIKE ABOUT HER

To acknowledge the criticism, one can somewhat understand why some viewers have become frustrated with Jasmine.

The same qualities that initially made the UK adore Jasmine - she’s strong, confident, opinionated and happy to stand out - quickly became the exact qualities that were used against her. In the last couple episodes, we’ve seen her insert herself into people’s situations that don’t involve her, interrupt people, and be the ‘centre of attention’. People (TikTok comments) think she’s starting to become ‘performative’ and claim that she’s only on Love Island to gain more followers for her personal brand.

Whether that’s true is an entirely different debate (and one we won’t be able to answer because we can’t read minds), but these appear to be the main criticisms directed at her.

WHEN REPRESENTATION GETS COMPLICATED

At this point, I should probably acknowledge my own bias. As a brown girl, I (along with other brown girls online) have found one aspect of this show particularly interesting: Priya and Jasmine.

It seems that the only things they have in common are their Indian heritage and being female. They are both stunning, but, contrary to what Kavan says, they do not look alike at all.

Whilst the way Priya handled Jasmine still being interested in Lorenzo was questionable (e.g. her “really?!” comment), Jasmine’s ability to hold her head high and respond with calmness demonstrated her quiet confidence. I have seen many Asian women offer their own two pence on the situation, and I can understand why.

When Priya bombshellled and took a fancy to Lorenzo, she was irked by the faint spark that still lingered between him and Jasmine. Perhaps it triggered her. Whether it was jealousy or something else, it is not for us to label.

Priya’s “opponent” in this situation happened to be Jasmine, another beautiful brown girl, which led many people in the South Asian community to interpret and analyse the situation differently than they otherwise might have.

This was more than merely a Love Island love triangle.

There have been discussions about beauty, comparison, and, most importantly, competitiveness in female friendships among South Asian women. However, this complicates matters because, while seeing women who resemble you on screen can be incredibly validating, it can also lead people to project more onto their interactions than they otherwise might.

Regardless, it is clear that Jasmine doesn’t seem particularly interested in viewing other women as competition, because she doesn’t see the man as the ‘prize’.

PICK ME

I’d go so far as to say that Jasmine’s worst nightmare is being a ‘pick me’. I say this because her behaviour does not suggest someone desperately seeking approval; if anything, it is quite the opposite. She consistently challenges men and calls them out. She inserts herself into conversations when she feels the women are being treated unfairly, or even just women in general. She does not seem particularly interested in diluting her views to make herself more palatable or desirable. She blatantly tells Aiden that many men in the villa dislike women having strong opinions, and it shows.

If her goal was supposedly to gain male approval, she has chosen a very strange strategy…

I believe Jasmine has a strong aversion to certain types of male behaviour and possesses a level of discernment that many women are still developing. When she becomes involved in situations - whether with Lorenzo, Ope, Aiden, or Samraj - it never seems as though she is trying to impress the men involved. In fact, she is usually doing the opposite by disagreeing with them. When people say she is ‘doing too much’, is she really ‘seeking attention’?

I see a woman who appears to have made a personal vow never to remain silent when someone is bothering her - especially if that person is a man.

Does this mean she’s always right? No. Does it mean she sometimes makes comments on situations that do with her? Perhaps. However, that is different from being a “pick me”. A “pick me” is fundamentally motivated by male validation, whereas Jasmine repeatedly risks losing male approval in order to express her opinions.

It is also important to consider the environment in which she grew up. She has spoken about being raised alongside her beautiful sister, Bella, and her lovely mother.

She states herself in her Substack that she was raised “by a constellation of wonderful women… only knowing homes filled with matriarchs.”

Of course, we should not reduce someone’s entire personality to their upbringing, but it is fair to say that growing up surrounded by strong women has contributed to the confidence she displays today. Jasmine appears to have been beautifully raised in an environment that encourages her to speak up, be assertive, and make her presence known, challenging the patriarchal expectation to ‘stay quiet’. Many girls have been socialised from a young age to be accommodating and cautious. Whether through family dynamics, culture, school, or wider society, the expectation seems to be the same.

Jasmine, however, comes across as intuitive, emotionally expressive, confident, and comfortable taking up space; perhaps this is the real issue.

Women who are quiet, agreeable, and accommodating are often praised, whereas those who are opinionated, expressive, and unwilling to diminish themselves tend to be described very differently (cough, cough - ‘off-putting’… I rest my case).

The more I thought about this, the more I realised that this was never just about male validation.

I’d like to add in an incredibly interesting take made by another Substack writer:

“This is what makes the contemporary obsession with being a “girl’s girl” so problematic. While often deployed as the language of female empowerment, it can just as easily become a mechanism through which women police one another’s behaviour. The term superficially promotes solidarity, yet functions by imposing a rigid set of expectations about how women should act and what forms of desire are considered acceptable.”

Labels such as “pick me”, “girl’s girl” and “attention seeker” are often used as though they are objective descriptions of women, when in reality they become tools for rewarding some forms of femininity whilst punishing others.

LORENZO

Lorenzo said that he wished Jasmine would ‘speak more’, and it seemed he simply wanted her to be more talkative in general. I think, whether intentionally or not, he was projecting his own desires for a partner onto her. He wanted to see more of her personality in casual conversations and group settings because that is the type of person he naturally gravitates towards. However, she said that this is not who she is.

One thing we have consistently observed throughout the series so far is that, during normal conversations, she remains calm. She is on the same level as everyone else, chatting about tattoos, relationships, and daily life in the villa.

She is not the class clown.

But when a conversation turns political in the broadest sense of the word - touching on fairness, double standards, respect, loyalty, or something she feels strongly about, she suddenly becomes impossible to ignore.

Confidence does not manifest in only one form. Some people display loud confidence, while Jasmine exhibits quiet confidence. I do not understand the contradiction that people are highlighting. The Jasmine we see chatting casually in a group setting and the Jasmine who passionately argues her point during a disagreement are not two different people; it is the same person in two very different situations.

Therefore, the version of Jasmine you take away depends on the moments you choose to focus on.

OPE

One of the most significant criticisms directed at Jasmine followed her remarks suggesting that having a “wandering eye” is acceptable.

This was interpreted as hypocrisy, while others saw it as Jasmine suggesting that it is acceptable for women to behave one way while men behave differently, thus labeling her a “pick-me.”

My rogue opinion: the entire argument was based on a problem with the definition.

I don’t think she meant that it’s acceptable for women to disrespect their partners but not for men to do the same.

I definitely don’t think this conversation was ever really about Simba versus Ope.

I think Jasmine and the girls are using the phrase “wandering eye” very differently than the boys.

To me, when girls talk about a “wandering eye,” they are referring to the kind of acknowledgment that someone is attractive. For example, a friend might ask, “I met this guy. Do you think he’s cute?” and you might reply, “Yeah, he’s attractive.”

This is why Jasmine said something along the lines of, “Women are hot; I understand that guys will want to look.”

That’s very different from actively pursuing someone, flirting with them, or entertaining alternatives. Now, let’s bring Ope into the conversation.

When Ope was asked about the new bombshells, he openly admitted that he had a wandering eye. When asked whether he would kiss them, he went as far as to say that his answer might not necessarily be ideal, implying yes.

That’s where differences in definition and intention come into play…

The boys appeared to interpret “wandering eye” as active temptation, while Jasmine and the women seemed to understand it as an acknowledgment of attractiveness.

Same phrase, but oh boy - completely different meanings.

So, throughout the episode, everyone spent their time arguing while technically discussing two different topics.

This is also why the debate over double standards became more complicated.

Many of the arguments appear to stem from what I believe was a false equivalence made by Samraj. He argued that:

“If the girls say this, it’s fine. If a boy said it, the girls would be fuming.”

All the girls immediately disagreed with that premise, saying, “No, we wouldn’t.”

The main argument arose from a situation that had not yet occurred, and the conversation shifted from what was actually said to what one group assumed the other would do if the roles were reversed.

What was even more frustrating was when the girls called the boys weird for moping around and giving everyone the silent treatment. Somehow, the conversation then turned into:

“So, men aren’t allowed to have emotions now?” (or something along those lines)

The girl’s criticism was about the boy’s behavior.

The issue is that, instead of expressing their emotions, they chose to withdraw, sulk, and ignore the girls.

Whether all of these additional discussions were intentional or not, they felt like a distraction from the original issue.

Every time Jasmine tried to discuss double standards, the conversation shifted to whether men and women should be treated identically. I don’t believe this was her intended point.

When Jasmine discovered that Lorenzo had slept with several girls and couldn’t remember their names, she was visibly uncomfortable. Whether it was a guy she liked, a guy her friend was coupled up with, or even just a random man in the villa, she was unhappy with what it represented. She felt comfortable enough to confront him directly, expressing what many of us at home were thinking.

One of the greatest frustrations during these conversations was observing men reduce every issue to a simple, “Well, what if the genders were reversed?” While this may seem logical in theory, it overlooks the reality that men and women experience the world differently.

Jasmine focused on discussing social realities rather than debating whether two situations appeared identical on the surface.

The Notes app conversation is another example. This is where many people completely lost her, but it wasn’t about remembering names, notes, or body counts. It was about intent, perception, and social meaning.

A sociologist on TikTok made a brilliant observation that I must share. She pointed out that many of these challenges are deliberately designed to create gendered conflict. The girls were asked questions about body count, attractiveness, and money, while the boys were asked questions about cheating, temptation, and wandering eyes. The producers know exactly what they are doing. They create boys-versus-girls teams that encourage tribal thinking and then sit back to watch the arguments unfold.

The challenge was not in exposing gender differences but in actively creating them, with everyone merely trying to defend their ‘team.’

SAMRAJ

A quick rant about the Priya vs. Samraj situation:

Samraj entered the conversation with heat. Comments like, “Are you going to listen to me or what?” immediately set the tone. Then Priya said he was making pathetic points. (While that wasn’t particularly kind, it’s important to note that she was criticizing the points he was making, not him as a person!)

In response, Samraj called her embarrassing. (Don’t pmtfo.)

To me, that represents a different type of criticism.

One is aimed at an argument; the other is aimed at someone’s character.

Priya retaliated by telling him to “f*** off.”

Note: She didn’t say “f*** you” or insult his character.

She told him to “f*** off” after he called her embarrassing.

Ultimately, whether you believe that is the appropriate reaction is entirely your decision.

However, much more attention was focused on her response than on the comment that triggered it.

This is another example of a common pattern: a woman reacts, and everyone discusses her reaction rather than the cause behind it.

Even when Priya asked for the space to speak and was told to “chill out,” essentially attempting to silence her…

I’m not sure how to conclude this section, to be honest; it just frustrated me.

Out of all the conversations Jasmine has had in the villa so far, the one with Aidan pissed me off the most.

Maybe Jasmine herself would admit that she occasionally gets involved in things that don’t concern her - hence her apology to Aidan, showing she took accountability.

Aidan told Jasmine that her behavior had put him off.

News flash: Aidan and Jasmine are not dating, yet he still felt compelled to sit her down and essentially say, “Just so you know, the way you behave is unattractive to me.”

Whether that was his intention or not, this is why the conversation struck such a nerve with so many women watching. Too many of us have experienced some distorted version of that - someone who felt entitled to tell us that we were being “too much.”

Women are often taught that their primary responsibility in life is to be attractive and desirable. Thankfully, Jasmine does not seem interested in conforming to that expectation.

Why does a woman expressing her opinions continue to provoke such a strong reaction, while a man doing the same is described as having a “strong personality”?

The internet accused Jasmine of hypocrisy after she called Aiden a “bitch,” a term they argue contradicts the principles of true feminism. “Bitch” is a derogatory term used against women, and as someone who agrees with many of Jasmine’s views on gender, I understand why this would be jarring.

Lorenzo called Jasmine a “sassy bitch,” and she rightfully corrected him for it.

While I did pause when it happened, I have given it some thought. When someone with a platform makes feminism a significant part of their identity, people naturally expect a higher level of consistency. However, it is crucial to recognize that human beings are rarely perfectly aligned with their values 100% of the time. It is entirely possible for someone to consciously reject a belief yet, in a moment of frustration, lapse in judgment and revert to language that we have all been fed and raised with throughout our lives.

That doesn’t necessarily make them hypocrites; rather, it makes them human, which brings me perfectly to my next point:

SHE’S NOT AN ESSAY

People say that Jasmine is incredibly educated, well-spoken, articulate, and opinionated, and that she will go down in Love Island history. They claim she is too intelligent to be on Love Island and that none of the men are good enough for her. However, those same people seem surprised when she admits that she enjoys attention or when she speaks openly about beauty, appearance, validation, and attractiveness.

It’s perfectly acceptable for these qualities to coexist. She can be articulate, intelligent, and a feminist, yet still want to be on Love Island. She can be highly politically aware and simultaneously desire to find love on reality TV. She can be self-aware of how men influence her self-presentation and still choose to wear push-up bras and makeup.

She’s an influencer, a contestant on Love Island, and someone who appears highly self-aware, politically conscious, emotionally intelligent, and capable of articulating complex thoughts.

These things can coexist; most human beings are walking contradictions.

Why do we expect women to be perfectly consistent ideological constructs rather than real people?

The more I read people’s criticisms of Jasmine, the more it seems they are trying to turn her into a discursive essay, as if every belief, behavior, and opinion should fit together neatly without contradictions.

She is not a discursive essay; she is a complex human being.

I would be far more concerned if she wasn’t a little paradoxical.

I also don’t think people would analyze Jasmine this intensely if she were less beautiful, less articulate, less visibly South Asian, or less controversial.

CONCLUSION

At the end of the day, Jasmine is a stranger who might leave the villa and completely change my opinion … or she might not. There are still weeks left in the show, with more conversations to be had, more mistakes to make, and more good and bad moments to come. This applies to all the islanders.

It is important to acknowledge that we never know the full truth about another person, and perhaps the most peculiar aspect of being human is that most of us do not fully understand ourselves either.

We are all constantly evolving and fully capable of surprising ourselves. We may hold conflicting opinions, act inconsistently with our values, and be both intelligent and irrational, kind and selfish, all at the same time.

That’s why the discourse surrounding Jasmine is so fascinating. Some people perceive confidence, while others interpret it as arrogance. Some view her as someone standing up for women, whereas others see her as someone who interferes where she shouldn’t.

Perhaps that’s because Jasmine embodies all of those qualities at different moments. Alternatively, it could be that we are projecting our own experiences, biases, insecurities, and beliefs onto a stranger on a television show.

The Jasmine Muller debate reveals more about us than it does about her.

Women are increasingly rejecting roles that once required them to be agreeable, passive, and accommodating. Judging by the reaction to Jasmine, it is clear that not everyone is comfortable with this shift.

Wanting to be hot is not shallow, and wanting to look good is not embarrassing.

The most important perspective: how you look does matter.

…and that perspective is biological.

A person’s general attractiveness has been the longest indicator of how healthy they are, and we’re going to dive into it together in this article.

You’re not unattractive because you’re genetically unlucky, you feel unattractive because your hard-working body and mind is under-supported, over-stimulated and dysregulated… and no amount of concealer can override that.

The women who look effortlessly put together are genuinely effortlessly beautiful because it’s natural, and they feel (mostly) content. They have regulated nervous systems, balanced hormones, consistent routines, clean environments and a mind and habits that support their bodies instead of go against it.

The most important note: what we perceive as “beauty” is actually just health, made visible.

• Clear skin → low inflammation, good diet

• Bright eyes → rest, hydration

• White teeth → hygiene

• Toned body → movement, discipline

• Shiny hair → nourishment

• Calm energy → regulated nervous system

See? You’re not chasing beauty, you’re just chasing optimum health.

I won’t use this article to try and convince you, I’m just going to state what’s true. Before makeup, hair and clothes, your foundation is health.

I’ll cut to the chase. Here are the things that actually move the needle.

Sleep.

7-9 hours. Consistently. Sleeping at 2am for 9 hours doesn’t count - your body knows the difference. Have a look at this podcast by Steven Bartlett and the famous Sleep Doctor to understand more about how your body rests and recovers.

Morning sunlight.

Natural light into your eyes 30-60 minutes of waking will trigger your circadian rhythm to let your body know the day has begun. This surpresses melatonin and supports the release of cortisol (stress hormone) at the correct time, so that it helps you with focus instead of anxiety. It also sets a timer for melatonin release later in the evening, which helps you fall asleep more easily at night and improves sleep quality overall. Note: don’t look directly at the sun, and being outside is more effective than looking through a window.

Meditation and breathwork.

You’d be surprised how tied the nervous system is to everything. I explore it a lot in my articles:

Meditation and breathwork regulate the nervous system. Most people operate in a low-level stress state without realising it. This increases cortisol, disrupts hormones, and shows physically in the face and body. Breathwork has an immediate effect. Slower, controlled breathing signals safety to the body, lowering heart rate and reducing physical tension. Over time, this improves baseline calmness and emotional regulation. People say it’s life changing because it does change how you interpret everyday life. It’s not aesthetic, it’s physiological. I recommend the Medito app - completely free.

Get your hormones checked.

BTW: Here’s a full comprehensive guide to female hormones.

This is worth doing properly, even if it’s expensive.

At a minimum, you should be testing:

• Oestrogen (estradiol) – impacts skin quality, fat distribution, and overall femininity

• Progesterone – linked to sleep, calmness, and cycle regularity

• Testosterone – affects muscle tone, libido, and can contribute to acne if elevated

• Thyroid hormones (TSH, T3, T4) – regulate metabolism, energy, hair, and skin

• Cortisol – your stress hormone; chronically high levels impact ageing, weight, and skin

• Insulin / blood glucose – relevant for energy stability, cravings, and fat storage

For accuracy, hormone testing should be done at specific points in your cycle (for example, progesterone is best tested in the luteal phase). Random testing without context can be misleading.

If something is off, you address it through lifestyle first (sleep, diet, stress), then medical guidance if needed.

10k steps (or as many as possible. 1k is better than 200)

Walking at this volume supports circulation, which affects skin tone and overall appearance. It helps regulate blood sugar, which impacts energy levels and reduces spikes that can contribute to fatigue and inflammation. It also supports digestion and reduces water retention.

From a body composition perspective, it increases daily energy expenditure without placing significant stress on the body.

Whole foods>processed

I’m not even going to bother explaining this one… it’s obvious x.

Reduce sugar and fried foods

High sugar intake increases blood glucose rapidly, which triggers insulin spikes. Frequent spikes contribute to insulin resistance over time and are linked to increased fat storage, energy crashes, and inflammation.

Excess sugar also accelerates glycation - a process where sugar molecules bind to proteins like collagen and elastin. This weakens skin structure, reducing elasticity and contributing to dullness and premature ageing.

Fried foods are typically high in trans fats and oxidised oils, especially when cooked at high temperatures or reused. These compounds increase systemic inflammation and oxidative stress, which can negatively affect skin clarity, cardiovascular health, and overall cellular function.

Both high sugar and fried food consumption are associated with:

• increased inflammation

• impaired skin barrier function

• higher likelihood of acne and breakouts

• unstable energy levels

• poorer metabolic health

So cut the fried shit out as much as possible (indulge yourself, of course, but it’s not ‘indulging’ if you have it several times a week.

Hydration - drink W A T E R

(you know this, but I have to write it)

SPF daily (NO MATTER WHAT)

I recommend the BondiSans one, or Dermalogica one is great too (more expensive).

UV exposure is the primary external cause of premature skin ageing. It drives collagen breakdown, pigmentation, uneven texture, and loss of elasticity. This happens with cumulative, low-level exposure… not just sunbathing.

UVA rays (the ones responsible for ageing) are present year-round, pass through clouds, and penetrate glass. That means you are exposed indoors, in cars, and during winter.

Daily SPF use slows this process. It protects collagen, maintains even skin tone, and prevents long-term damage that cannot be reversed with skincare or treatments.

Use a broad-spectrum SPF 30 minimum (SPF 50 preferable, especially if you’re a melanin-baddie). Apply as the final step of your morning routine, regardless of weather. Reapply if you are outside for extended periods.

Dry brushing

Dry brushing is a manual exfoliation technique using a firm, natural-bristle brush on dry skin, typically before showering.

It removes dead skin cells from the surface of the skin, which can improve texture and allow for more even product absorption afterward.

It also stimulates superficial blood flow. This can create a temporary increase in circulation, which is why skin may appear slightly more even-toned or “glowy” immediately after.

Dry brushing is commonly associated with lymphatic support. While it does not “detox” the body (the lymphatic system is regulated internally), the light, directional strokes can support lymph movement in a similar way to massage, particularly when done consistently and correctly.

Standard practice:

• Use on dry skin before showering

• Brush in long, upward strokes toward the heart

• Start from the feet and hands, moving inward

• Use light to moderate pressure (not abrasive)

• Shower afterward and apply moisturiser or oil

I get mine from The Body Shop.

Castor oils/natural oils

Not compulsory, but it’s helped my undereyes (and other womens too). Also, sweet almond oil poured on you straight after a pat dry in the shower feels heavenly, smells heavenly and makes your skin feel heavenly. Please note that oils do not “hydrate” the skin directly -they prevent water loss. Best used immediately after washing, when skin is still slightly damp.

Simple skincare routine (Yuka app)

Wash makeup and any bullshit from the day off your skin with a face wash, then double cleanse (i.e. do it again)… Use a serum (optional - I don’t), and then finish off with a good quality moisturiser.

Clean room

Dirty bedding and surfaces accumulate oil, dead skin cells, and microorganisms, which can transfer back onto the skin and contribute to irritation or breakouts. Regular cleaning reduces this exposure and supports general hygiene. Also, the ‘feng shui’ element of it all doesn’t need to be brought up but I will. tidy space = tidy mind there I said it.

Fresh sheets, clean carpet

(SAME LOGIC AS CLEAN ROOM^)

Silk pillowcase

I loooveee my Blissy silk pillowcase and my matching silk blindfold. Silk has a smoother surface compared to cotton, creating less friction against skin and hair. The reduced friction can minimise mechanical irritation, hair breakage, and creasing of the skin during sleep… does not prevent ageing but definitely has helped my skin AND my curly hair.

Unscented products

Fragranced products aren’t always worth the smell-nice factor. Perfume and body sprays are for making you smell good. Everything else should just focus on making you clean and moisturised. I understand the 7 step scent layering baddies but I have sensitive skin and my skin doesn’t approve. Sanex 0% body wash and some Oilatum and almond oil to moisturise gives me plenty of compliments, along with my perfume of choice.

Nature walks (not just ‘steps’)

I’ll throw three facts at you:

• Outdoor walking exposes the body to natural light, which helps regulate circadian rhythm and sleep-wake cycles.

• Uneven terrain and varied environments engage more muscle groups than flat, indoor walking.

• Time in natural environments is associated with reduced cortisol levels and improved mood regulation compared to urban or indoor settings.

Herbal teas > caffeine drinks

Herbal teas (e.g. chamomile, peppermint) are typically caffeine-free and do not stimulate the central nervous system…. Caffeine increases alertness but can also elevate cortisol and disrupt sleep if consumed in excess or too late in the day… Therefore, reducing caffeine intake can support sleep quality and reduce jitteriness or anxiety in sensitive individuals.

Limit alcohol (dare I say sobriety)

Alcohol is a diuretic, increasing fluid loss and contributing to dehydration. It can impair sleep quality, disrupt hormone regulation, and increase inflammation. Most of s are reliant on it for nerves, talking, dancing, having fun and flirting… what the fuck’s that about. Yes, going out sober is scary but exposure therapy hellooooo.

Reduce overstimulation (doomscrolling makes you ugly.)

Doomscrolling kind of made me forger that I had a life of my own that I could do stuff and meet people and cook and read and sunbathe…. too many of my days have been reduced to scrolling. I compare myself online to people who are having loadssss of fun (except they only have fun because they can post about it) and in the process I forget that I myself can just get up and DO something about it. Put the phone down and stop being so LAME.

Minimal makeup

You will never love what the Universe gave you if you keep covering yourself up with layers of tinted chemicals. Also: Heavy or frequent makeup use can contribute to clogged pores if not removed properly. Take a break. Exposure therapy. Everyone wears makeup everyday now so we all think we’re naturally not awake enough or glowy enough… we cover up with makeup and drink and eat our sorrows away and the cycle continues x

Lash serum>fake lahes

Glow for it lash serum every night - thank me later x

Teeth whitening

Teeth signal health and hygiene, both of which are subconsciously linked to attractiveness and genetic fitness. They affect facial contrast and symmetry, making expressions (like smiling) more visually appealing. Clean, well-maintained teeth also signal self-care and status, which increases perceived attractiveness. Just a teeth whitening strip once a week or some whitening toothpaste every night will do some good. Floss when you can and also invest in a tongue scraper.

Solo travel

Sometimes we can forget just how big the world is. Exposure to new environments increases cognitive stimulation and adaptability. It requires independent decision-making and can improve confidence and problem-solving ability. For those of us who have been raised to perform, the chance to step away and breathe can be transformative.

Journalling

Externalise your thoughts - dump it all down onto someplace where no-one is judging… It can support emotional processing and pattern recognition over time.

Regular writing is associated with improved stress management and self-awareness.

Shadow work

Shadow work involves identifying and examining suppressed or avoided thoughts, behaviours, or emotions.

It is based on psychological concepts of unconscious processing (e.g. Carl Jung).

The aim is increased self-awareness, not elimination of traits. I will write about this more in future articles.

Read

Girls who read are HOT. Put donw the phone and pick up the book (or kindle if you’re really cool). I’m currently reading ‘City of Girls’ and I LOVE it so far.

Visualise

Visualisation involves mentally simulating scenarios or behaviours.

It activates similar neural pathways to real-life action, particularly in motor and emotional processing. It helps you prepare for and live the life you want before you’ve actually lived it. It activates your RAS and LITERALLY changes your life - more on this soon. xx

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The Substack articles, self-help books, TikToks and aesthetic YouTube videos all say the same stuff because it’s what works.

Put down the self help book and realise that if you don’t change something about your life, you will never change.

Most of us don’t need a ‘glow up’ - we need discipline. Stop bed-rotting, eating like shit, sleeping badly, overstimulating yourself and expecting to look radiant anyway.

If you’re actually commited to your health - properly - for 3 months… you won’t be able to recognise yourself. Not because you’ve changed your face but because you finally supported it.

I wonder what my younger self would think of me now.

I am able to light a candle, floss, brush my teeth, smile at my reflection, roll out my yoga mat, do a simple yoga routine, read some pages on my kindle, and then go to bed with my silk blindfold.

I normally fall asleep in under 10 minutes (not to flex or anything).

I’ve learnt that an important part of enjoying life and healing the nervous system is making solitude look far more romantic than it actually is. My life can look (sometimes annoyingly) slow and safe, but it’s not a result of just letting life happen to me.

I’ve grown up in environments that have made me fine tuned and incredibly perceptive to social circles and ‘popularity’. In my opinion, popularity in school was down to whoever was the most confident (Note: not to be confused with self-confident; a difference I will discuss in articles to come).

This wasn’t always confidence in looks or how clear one’s skin was in a sea of oily, spotty acne (although the gorgeous, clear skinned, long eyelash girls were of course immediately popular).

The popular girls who seemed to have it all - which at the time was just friends, attention and respect - were just audacious and comfortable with being seen, more than anything else.

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This was so paradoxical for me.

Growing up in a house where I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells, there was nothing I wanted more than to feel respected, wanted, and listened to at school.

… yet I didn’t want to be looked at, or spoken to, or listened to, or truly seen.

I had my phases, too. All my friends eventually turned on me (as they seemingly do when most girls are 13, though at the time I thought I was the first person this had ever happened to lol) and there’s a very specific humiliation that comes with deliberately being left out of plans or publicly ostracized from the people you once saw as your sisters. I started to connect my solitude to me just failing - because we are all raised to to think that being wanted is the same thing as being worthy. (See this proves my popular girl theory: they feel inherently wanted so everyone else sees them as worthy).

But the solitude (despite how bloody uncomfortable it was) taught me something I want to write about for today’s article.

I needed the absence of those girls: what felt and looked like exclusion and distance was actually (needed) boundaries being set for me in disguise. In other words - yes, they excluded me - and that message of ‘we don’t want to be friends with you anymore’ did take long to get across to me - but it was such a blessing in disguise.

Yes, I was alone: but I wonder what my younger self would think of me now because she was only ever used to craving and chasing attention, whereas now my life is filled with friendships that show me affection.

That time alone was a gift that allowed me to recognize what mattered to me. This included prioritizing my health (because if you’re healthy, you’re attractive - article on this matter coming soon), understanding that a friend to all is a friend to none and honestly, the ostracization hurt me so bad that it turned me off being friends with people who have (what feels like) ‘corrupted’ souls.

(Note: I’m not calling them ‘corrupted’ because they left me - I more so mean the way they would think and the things they would say were very low frequency)

I learnt that I’d rather be alone than be friends with girls like them. So that’s what I did. Instead of being a ‘yes-man’ and tagging along with them to lunch despite them treating me like an afterthought, I spent my first few lunches completely alone in the library… which I of course was super self conscious about - until I realized that the type of girls I was trying to avoid just don’t go to the library.

I got smarter (reading books, watching educational YouTube videos), more spiritual (came across Law of Assumption and Law of Attraction), fitter (started going to the gym - healthy ego boost), and I started to meditate, too. Meditation, affirmations and visualisation genuinely changed the game for me and slowly but surely I was turning into a girl I never thought I could be. I was genuinely proud of the version of myself I was waking up to every day and this reflected outwards.

(In short, I made more friends, and better friends).

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But more than that, I was the girl that couldn’t even compare to the girls I used to be friends with… Stay with me here. It’s hard to word this in a way that’s powerful, straightforward and kind but: I was just better than them.

It’s not that I was prettier or more popular or sassier or more confident… it was everything else in between. I was more emotionally intelligent, mentally and physically healthier, calmer, kinder, happier, more grateful, and I loved life in a way that most of them just didn’t/couldn’t. It’s all about alchemising the shit you go through, embracing being alone and becoming the type of person you would want to be around.

Be the kind of person that you would choose in a room full of strangers, and become so present that you become someone people enjoy being around, and more importantly: someone you’re proud of.

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On the 25/02/2026 I watched the People We Meet on Vacation - it was the type of film that makes the heart swell. It’s the same vibe of Mamma Mia (both films), The Greatest Showman and The Holiday. They have an incredibly powerful way of making one wish that something happens in their life - they discover someone or they invent something or they just do something that has a positive knock-on effect on themselves and the people around them.

I crave to feel the Summer sun on a Greek island with wavy, sea-salt crusted curls, a cotton top and denim shorts - running into different men, going on dates and singing at bars in exchange for a stay at a hotel.

I’ve always felt - and been told - that I am meant for something more and that I will one day do something incredible and I have no doubt about this. I guess I just wanted to use this article to have a quick moan and a groan.

In order to have different experiences to others, you have to do different things. It’s not right to wake up at the same time as others, spend your day doing what everyone else expects you to do, go to bed and then reprimand ‘life’ for not giving you more. Do more. But, this is all so paradoxical because with the Internet, it can sometimes be just so hard to be your own person. Just by opening TikTok within a few clicks you can suddenly have someone’s whole outfit - bra, sunglasses and necklace included - in your SHEIN basket and just like that your outfit is the same as another strangers. (Side note: this specific example isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be - I do this often and at the end of the day these well curated outfits make me feel cool and hot and that’s the important thing)

These days, it’s almost like we have to actively try hard to make our lives so different and special, because all we see online is people doing the same shit as us (or better, and more aesthetically). Or, we’re in the real world and we’re comparing ourselves to 12 strangers on the tube who are all… on their phone… scrolling… like we are.

My wake up call to you - but especially myself and the one person (minimum) I’d like this to resonate with: My power and joy for life now actually comes in doing the stuff that no-one else knows I’m doing. In my own quiet time I go to the gym and come home and do my shower routine and read my book and meditate in nature and meet up with friends and I’ve stopped announcing it on my Snap story or to my friends. I’ve realised that in the past, the dopamine hit of these activities has hit harder when I TELL people I’m doing this shit, compared to when I’m actually doing it.

Imagine how Mamma Mia would look if Donna Sheridan had a phone and bloody TikTok.

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The real key to life right now (or at least for MY life right now) is that the life I want is not on the fourth scroll on TikTok or the reel someone sent me. It’s in the present and it’s looking UP from your phone.

But look I don’t want this conversation to turn into another - don’t go on your phone - kind of thing.

It’s more a moment to reflect on - actually - just how important the art of wondering is.

I’ve learnt in the past two years that the people I interact with - positive or negative - don’t need to have my Instagram. It’ so easy to get swept up into how many followers you have (vs others and also how many YOU follow) - but when I’m 99 I promise you Instagram won’t cross my mind! I understand that it’s all about connection - but how am I actually connecting? I don’t actually care about what that guy who is on my friend's Uni course is doing tomorrow so I don’t need to know what he posts on his story considering I’ve never met him. And equally, he doesn’t care and therefore has no need to be able to see my story. Social media makes connection so easy but it’s not real connection.

Instagram story likes, liking reposts, and streaks don’t create strong, deep and meaningful connections and our standards for friendship have now arguably decreased because of this.

“Our relationships have become a cheap version of what they once were. Reduced to bite-sized interactions. We’ve forgotten that we are capable of so much more: thoughtfulness, meaningful relationships, imagination, and creative independence.”

The power of being genuinely interested in someone and making them feel loved, and cared for, and heard (and maybe even kissed and cuddled) is so incredibly satisfying and awakening. But, what’s more liberating is giving someone that experience, and letting them enjoy you, but also letting them go because you don’t need to keep in touch.

I promise you, life is more exciting when you can’t see what they’re listening to on Spotify, or what funny (or unfunny) reel they’ve reposted, and you can’t see their location on Snap. Bump into them at the grocery store and at the club and realise that you’ve both got an actual mutual friend - but realise this through conversation not through your Instagram mutuals.

Mystery is being replaced with instant answers and it’s taking the fun out of life.

Most of the time, it’s exciting not knowing and it’s peaceful not knowing,

Be a mystery to others but be so deeply understood and enjoyed by yourself. Prioritise you and make your life full of pleasure and what looks aesthetic to you.

Make your life look like how you want it to look - be inspired by art (e.g. Mamma Mia😉) and people and advice and your own imagination and watch how your world unfurls to be so unexpectedly great each day that you wake up excited.

And let me tell you… it makes life feel worth living and experiencing and LOVING.

“It all starts with your morning routine” - IT FUCKING DOES THOUGH.

Set the tone for your day because guess what… life doesn’t have to begin after your 9-5 when you go for cocktails at 7pm, get drunk and go home alone.

When I started to intentionally focus on what I was doing everyday, the things I was feeding my brain and letting my mind tell me… my life genuinely improved in every aspect. Ideal job opportunities, unexpected holidays, aligned friendships, etc…

(first step that I don’t need to tell you but will… go to bed and look after yourself… the quality of your sleep affects your day)

I used to think I needed:

• expensive supplements

• a new wellness gadget

• a perfectly aesthetic routine

• more discipline

All you need is microadjustments

1. tea instead of coffee

A lot of people wake up and immediately make coffee… straight into stimulation.

This isn’t smart ladies. It pushes you into panic mode… it spikes cortisol. It agitates digestion. It tells your nervous system: we are under threat.

Instead, start with herbal tea - it’s warm. grounding. good for digestion. and most importantly, it gives my body a chance to wake up naturally instead of being yanked into the day.

2. i eat within 30 minutes

Don’t fast - it causes stress. Skipping breakfast can spike cortisol, especially for women depending on cycle phase and overall stress load.

Eat within 30 minutes of waking. Something warm and protein-rich. eggs. greek yogurt. oats with protein.

• no 3pm crash

• no mid-morning anxiety spike

• no hanger

• better gym sessions

• steadier mood

blood sugar stability is nervous system stability.

3. a silent sensory walk

i used to “optimise” my walks.

• podcast.
  self-help.
  educational content.
  productivity stacking.

my brain was still sprinting. now i walk without headphones. no input.

sunlight into your eyes anchors your circadian rhythm and boosts dopamine naturally. it signals safety. when you can observe your environment without needing to consume anything, your system downshifts. it stops bracing.

4. shaking + breath

this one sounded ridiculous to me at first.

i’ve been doing it for 60 days… it works.

i put on guided breathwork (or just breathe intentionally) and literally shake my body. arms. shoulders. legs. jaw. stress gets stored somatically. overnight tension doesn’t disappear just because you slept.

shaking:

• helps lymphatic flow

• releases muscular tension

• moves stagnant energy

• reconnects breath and body

it takes maybe 3–5 minutes.

i do it after breakfast before sitting at my desk.

it’s like clearing static before logging on to life.

5. a two-minute mental check-in

before i touch my phone, i ask:

how does my body feel?
did i sleep well?
is there tightness anywhere?
what is my mind thinking about?

i used to wake up and launch straight into work mode.

We are not productivity machines. Awareness itself regulates the nervous system. When you check in, you tell your body: you matter.

6. micro breathwork resets

7. morning pages (no structure, no aesthetic)

I am not telling you to journal with gratitude prompts. goal setting. affirmations.

Brain dump, word vomit, unfiltered.

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8. connection before productivity

hug someone.
pet your dog.
text a friend good morning.

connection releases oxytocin. your nervous system regulates through safety and community - not isolation and optimisation.

a lot of high-functioning women try to self-regulate alone, but we are wired for co-regulation. even a small moment of warmth shifts your baseline.

what you do before 8 a.m. becomes the emotional forecast for the day.

if you start in stimulation, you chase it.
if you start in regulation, you protect it.

your nervous system doesn’t need perfection, it needs consistency… and if you’re high-functioning and used to living slightly braced? this is your permission to downshift.

i’ll share what i do at night to complete the reset soon.

until then - what’s one micro-adjustment you can make tomorrow morning?

leave a comment xx

“Ignore the 3D.”

It all sounds tidy. Easy, even. But if it really were that easy, you wouldn’t still be glued to your phone, waiting for a text. You wouldn’t get that hit of anxiety when he walks right past you. You wouldn’t spiral every time your bank account looks nothing like your vision board.

So, let’s cut the surface talk and get to what actually matters.

Everything in your life does start in your mind… but not in the way Instagram makes it sound. It starts with identity. And identity isn’t just a thought. It’s what feels real to you before you even have time to overthink it.

Principle One: Detach — Just Not From Reality

Everyone loves to say, “detach from the 3D.” Fine. But here’s what hardly anyone tells you: You’re not reacting to what’s happening. You’re reacting to what you think it means about you.

A late reply? On its own, it’s nothing. What stings is the story that comes next: “He’s choosing someone else.” “I’m never the first choice.” “I always get overlooked.” The event itself is neutral. The identity you tie to it? That’s where the ache lives. Detachment isn’t pretending you don’t care. It’s about separating what’s happening from what you make it mean about yourself.

You can notice: He hasn’t replied. The invite still isn’t in your inbox. The job hasn’t come through.

But you don’t have to jump to:

I’m unwanted and I’m always second best and I’m falling behind.

That’s the old identity talking. Detachment is emotional discipline. It’s refusing to let a blip on the radar turn into a defining story. Most people try to change the world but keep agreeing with the version of themselves that keeps things stuck. That’s not detachment. That’s self-betrayal.

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Principle Two: Assume - But Let It Sink In

Assumption isn’t about repeating affirmations until you feel numb.

It’s about choosing who you are - and letting your actions line up with that.

Do not try to assume outcomes. Instead, assume an identity.

Don’t go with: “He’s obsessed with me.”

Go with: “I’m the kind of woman men pursue, no hesitation.”

Don’t say: “I’m going to make six figures.”

Say: “I’m someone who treats big money as normal.”

Feel the shift? One depends on what happens. The other rewires your behavior from the inside out.

If you honestly believed you were magnetic, you wouldn’t scan the room for people’s reactions. You wouldn’t shrink when someone attractive walks in. You wouldn’t read silence as rejection. You’d just observe. Talk. Leave when you’re bored. Assumption isn’t about forcing belief. It’s about picking a self-concept. You must practice acting like it’s already true. You don’t wait to feel confident - you act like someone who doesn’t doubt their worth. Confidence shows up after you keep doing this, not before.

Principle Three: Ground - Or Your Nervous System Will Wreck Everything

Nobody really talks about this part. You can pick a new identity in the morning and ditch it by lunch if your nervous system thinks it’s unsafe. If you grew up thinking love had to be earned… If attention always felt conditional… If “being chosen” was rare… Then trying to become “the woman who gets prioritized” is going to feel wobbly at first. Grounding means getting your nervous system on board.

It looks like:

• Replying slowly instead of anxiously.

• Holding eye contact instead of scanning everyone for approval.

• Letting someone pursue you without overcompensating.

And when life tests you (because it will), you don’t freak out. You come back to your identity. Instead of spiraling with, “Why is this happening?” you go, “Old pattern. Noted. Doesn’t matter.” The more you do this, the more natural your new state becomes. And what feels natural, sticks.

The Real Formula

• Drop the stories that insult your identity.

• Pick a self-concept that stretches you.

• Ground it through your actions.

That’s it. Not fake positivity. Not delusion. Not pretending nothing’s wrong. Just disciplined identity selection.

The Uncomfortable Truth

If your life hasn’t changed, it’s because some part of you still agrees with the old story. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just human. But you can’t expect to be the woman who gets chosen if you’re still secretly practicing what it’s like to be overlooked. You can’t call yourself a leader if you’re still waiting for permission. You can’t act abundant if you’re emotionally stuck in lack. Your subconscious doesn’t listen to words. It listens to what feels like home.

Your environment shifts because it has to, not because of magic = but because that’s how things work.

If this hits home, it’s probably because you already know there’s another version of you underneath all these reactions.

You don’t need more tricks.

You need higher standards for who you believe you are.

And the guts to stick to them.

That’s where the real power lives.

But the air inside the house carried a different weight.

There we…

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The right relationship, a handsome, tall man who would deem her enough to ask her out on a date and not for a quick shag. In the right body - hard, toned abs and shapely calves that looked good in everything. The right bank balance, and being able to spend with no hesitation.
Out there in the moment someone finally chose her.

She consumed content about “how to be high frequency.” She repeated affirmations and tried to think positively. Sometimes it worked… she would feel lifted, magnetic, almost invincible.

But then something small would happen (a subtle rejection) because she wasn’t lacking love. She was living in survival.

She didn’t call it that at first.

She called it “being realistic.”
She called it “having standards.”
She called it “protecting her peace.”

But underneath, there was a quiet hum of insecurity.

No amount of affirmations could override a nervous system that felt threatened. No amount of “I am abundance” could land if her body still believed it was in danger. Her frequency wasn’t being shaped by what she said. It was being shaped by what she felt safe enough to believe.

And she did not feel safe.

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The shift didn’t happen in a dramatic spiritual awakening.
It happened in something embarrassingly simple.

She started sleeping properly.
She stopped skipping meals.
She reduced the content that kept her agitated.
She stopped doom-scrolling political outrage before bed.

She asked herself one confronting question:

If my life is mirroring me, what am I actually emitting?

The answer wasn’t “love.”
It was tension.

She had been trying to attract abundance from a body braced for impact.

Slowly, she began meeting her needs… not just the aesthetic ones.

Food.
Rest.
Silence.
Space.
Sunlight.
Movement.

She reconnected with things that felt like “source” to HER. This was long walks without headphones, journaling without performing, laughing with people who didn’t drain her.

And something subtle changed.

She stopped feeling like she had to chase love, and she started feeling… whole.

Not superior. Not detached. Not above wanting things. Just stable.

And stability, she realised, feels very different from intensity.

The proof: Someone who would have once triggered her didn’t. A comment that would have spiralled her didn’t. A delay that would have felt like rejection didn’t.

She felt safe inside herself.

And that’s when she understood something she used to roll her eyes at:

Abundance doesn’t move toward desperation.
It moves toward safety.

Money feels safe around people who feel safe in themselves.
Love feels safe around people who aren’t gripping for it.

She had thought loving herself meant hype, confidence, superiority.

It didn’t. It meant no longer identifying with every old story that said she was lacking, and releasing the grip on the addictive past. It meant sitting with painful and embarassing memories that still stung and whispering, quietly:

I’m sorry.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

Not as a performance. Not as a hack.

But as a way of softening the heart she had kept guarded for years.

Stop trying to be the universe’s favourite and focus on being secure.

Stop asking, “How do I attract more?” and start asking, “What would someone who feels safe do today?”

And slowly, the mirror will change, because

Love will stop feeling like something you have to earn and will become something you effortlessly embody.

If your nervous system is dysregulated, the positive affirmations don’t stick as well.

An unregulated nervous system quietly overrides your intentions, your affirmations, and your goals, and keeps recreating the same reality on repeat.

Let’s break this down properly.

How reality is actually formed

We exist across three primary planes of experience:

• The spiritual plane

• The mental plane

• The physical plane

These aren’t stacked like layers of a cake. They exist simultaneously… like flour, sugar, and butter combining to make the cake. All at once. Right now.

Your body mirrors this structure:

• Spirit

• Mind

• Body

And the key point is this:
The spiritual plane is infinite. Everything that could ever exist already exists there as potential.

What you experience in your physical life depends on what your mind selects and directs.

Where the nervous system fits in

Here’s where most people miss the plot.

If your conscious thinking mind is not actively directing reality, the system defaults to your subconscious programming.

And your subconscious lives in your autonomic nervous system.

That means:

• Your beliefs

• Your emotional patterns

• Your default stress responses

…are what is quietly running the show unless you intervene.

Your nervous system responds automatically based on who you believe you are. Those beliefs live in your brain’s default mode network (DMN) (aka. the network that answers the question “Who am I?”) without you consciously thinking about it.

From there, your body flips between:

• Sympathetic activation (fight, flight, freeze)

• Parasympathetic regulation (rest, digest, receive)

If you’re chronically stressed, overwhelmed, bracing for danger, or constantly “on,” your sympathetic nervous system has hijacked your thinking mind.

Why stress collapses your awareness

In survival mode, your mind becomes narrow.

The things you want could be right in front of you but it would pass you by… because you see threat, even when none exists.

This is why a dysregulated nervous system destroys conscious creation. Manifestation requires awareness. Choice. Perspective.

But when you’re stuck in fear:

• Your intellect drops

• Your perception shrinks

• Your reticular activating system stops noticing what could help you

Money, relationships, and healing opportunities could all be right in front of you, and you simply won’t see them.

Because you’re not present. You’re surviving.

The real meaning of “high vibration”

A high-vibe state is not forced happiness or constant excitement.

It’s high awareness.

Higher awareness = broader perception.
Broader perception = more choice.

The spiritual plane operates beyond polarity and judgment. It says yes to whatever it’s given.

If it receives no conscious directive from you, it says yes to your subconscious patterns instead.

That’s why people keep manifesting what they don’t want.

Why fear-based energy repels what you want

Think about this practically.

If someone feels erratic, unsafe, or emotionally volatile, you don’t want to approach them.

The same is true for:

• Money

• Clients

• Opportunities

• Relationships

Unsafe energy is not attractive.

Stability, confidence, and security are.

You cannot be magnetic while your nervous system is locked in fight-or-flight.

For video content on this topic, I really recommend this YouTube Channel.

If you don’t attach a story to an emotion, it naturally dissolves in around 90 seconds.

What keeps fear alive is the narrative:

• What this means about me

• What could happen

• Why I’m not safe

Regulation is about creating enough space to choose a different response.

How to regulate in real time

Start simple.

Become the observer.

Instead of reacting, pause and get curious:

“Isn’t it interesting that I had that thought?”

That moment of observation moves you out of survival and into awareness.

From there, you can support your body directly:

• Slow breathing
  Inhale for 5, exhale for 5 (about 6 breaths per minute). This signals safety to the nervous system.

• Self-soothing touch
  One hand on your chest, one on your abdomen. Gently repeat:
  I am safe. It’s okay. I’m safe.

• Havening-style movements
  Slowly stroke your arms while moving your eyes side to side to release stored stress responses.

You’re teaching your body something crucial:
There is no immediate threat.

Reframing “bad” data

When something triggers you … a bank balance, an email, a situation … treat it as data, not identity.

Old data reflects old beliefs.

It doesn’t define you.
It doesn’t predict the future.
It doesn’t require a story.

Good thing. Bad thing. Who knows?

“He didn’t pay any attention to me tonight.”

Old you - this reflects my worth. I’m not enough. If I was more x and y he would look.

New you - this is just my old narrative haunting me. This means nothing to me! The right men show me an abundance of attention and reverence. I am more than enough.

Your real responsibility

Your only real task is this:

Create internal safety.

Not by avoiding life. Not by ignoring reality. But by refusing to let fear run the system.

And that’s where choice lives.

That’s where creation begins.

It’s about becoming the version of you who can hold it… without your nervous system treating it like a threat.

More money. More love. More ease. More people showing up for you. If your body learned early on that “good things don’t last,” or “love comes with strings,” or “being seen makes you a target,” then receiving starts to feel like standing under a spotlight with no exits. So you do what you’ve always done: You close up. You self-sabotage. You spend it. You push them away. You suddenly don’t want it anymore. Because your system is trying to keep you safe using old data.

This is what I’ve been working on: teaching my body that more is safe now.

And this is exactly how I’m doing it.

1) I stopped waiting for permission and started practicing audacity

I used to think audacity was something other girls were born with.

Like: How does she say that? How does she ask for that? How does she take up that much space?

Then I realized: she’s not “better.” She’s just operating from a different internal rulebook.

My old rulebook was:

• Don’t ask for too much.

• Don’t be “high maintenance.”

• Don’t be inconvenient.

New rulebook:

• Life meets me at my audacity.

• If it feels “too big,” that’s feedback, not a stop sign.

• I am allowed to want MORE AND MORE.

Does this makes me ungrateful?

No.

Wanting more is evidence you’ve touched life and realized what’s available.

I can love my current life and still be expanding it. Both can be true. I am not doing “either/or” thinking anymore.

2) I became my own safety net (so I stopped begging the world to regulate me)

I was unconsciously asking the outside world to be my nervous system.

I wanted:

• men to soothe me,

• opportunities to validate me,

• money to make me feel secure,

• friends to make me feel chosen.

But if your safety is outsourced, your life will always feel unstable.

So I started building safety internally through one thing:

Promises to self.

Examples:

• “I’ll go on one walk today.”

• “I’ll drink water before coffee.”

• “I’ll journal for 5 minutes.”

• “I’ll do the hard admin task for 10 minutes.”

• “I’ll leave when it stops feeling respectful.”

Every time I keep a promise, my body learns:

She protects me. She means it. We’re safe.

That’s the foundation of receiving.

Because if deep down you don’t trust yourself to handle life, your system will keep rejecting big things.

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3) I stopped demonizing my self-sabotage and started studying it like a project

Very ‘‘me’’ core. I turned my patterns into a case study… RTT therapy was incredibly helpful for this. Not from a victim place. Not from a “what’s wrong with me” place.

From a loving awareness place.

Like: “Interesting. That’s what I do when I’m scared. Good to know.”

Because self-sabotage = usually protection.

• If you grew up with control, love can feel unsafe.

• If you grew up around scarcity, money can feel unsafe.

• If you were punished for being visible, attention can feel unsafe.

So instead of bullying myself out of it, I started asking:

• What is my nervous system trying to prevent right now?

• What does it think will happen if I receive this?

• What’s the “cost” my inner child associates with success/love/attention?

4) I use “cognitive dissonance” like a weapon (in the best way)

Your brain wants consistency.

That’s why if you identify as “someone who never gets chosen,” you’ll keep interpreting everything through that lens. Even neutral things. Even good things.

So I started telling my brain a new identity - on purpose.

And not in a cringe “affirmations on a pink background” way.

In a coherence way.

I visualize the version of me who receives well.

Then I live like it would be weird not to.

Because once you’ve rehearsed an identity enough, acting against it starts to feel inconsistent. And your brain hates inconsistency.

So now when I start spiraling or shrinking, there’s this internal interruption: “Wait. That’s not her.”

This is why the future-self stuff we’ve done actually works when you do it daily.
It’s not magic.
It’s repetition + identity reinforcement. writes great content on this.

5) I stopped trying to delete negative thoughts (and learned to coexist with them)

I used to think healing meant I’d become a person who never spirals.

But that’s not maturity.

That’s just another perfectionist fantasy.

Now I do this instead:

• I notice the thought.

• I notice the body response.

• I let it exist without obeying it.

Because thoughts are not commands.
They’re often just echoes.

And the moment you stop fighting your mind, you stop making it louder.

This is also where your avoidant/anxious stuff gets easier:
you stop treating emotional activation as an emergency.

You treat it as information.

6) I track my “receiving edge” in my body (this is the real cheat code)

This one is so practical it’s almost annoying.

Whenever I’m about to receive something bigger - money, attention, love, an opportunity - I check my body.

For me, the signs are:

• chest tightness

• jaw clenching

• throat tightness

• stomach drop

• sudden urge to “get rid of it” (spend, cancel, disappear)

That’s not intuition.
That’s dysregulation.

So I do a quick reset:

• slow my pace

• drop my shoulders

• breathe lower into my belly

• unclench my jaw

• tell myself: “Nothing is attacking me. This is just new.”

And then I wait until the sensations soften before I take action.

Because when you act from panic, you create outcomes that match panic.

When you act from regulation, you create outcomes that match stability.

And stability is what your nervous system needs to let you hold “more” without snapping back like a rubber band.

The truth is: your capacity is trainable

Receiving is a skill.

And if your nervous system learned that “more” equals danger, it can also learn:

More equals safety. More equals ease. More equals normal.

Not overnight.
But consistently.

And the part of you that flinches isn’t your enemy.
It’s your younger self trying to protect you.

So now, I don’t shame her.

I reassure her.

I felt incredibly dissatisfied with who I was looking at, but I knew that this was a phase. I knew that all of this was because I was at my family home where I didn’t have access to a gym, hadn’t seen friends for a couple weeks, and the comfort level was at 100 so I could spend three days straight in the same pyjamas. I told myself… it’s okay because soon I’ll be back in University with more control over my life and I can get my act together.

I felt somewhat guilty at this thought.

Why was I so keen to get my act together and why is it not okay for me to be a bum?

This is a tricky debate. On one side there’s the idea of look good, feel good. Successful and happy people have the habit and motivation of getting up, presenting themselves proudly no matter what their day looks like. This is me when I am at University. I get compliments on the street, I’m people’s ‘crush’, I feel confident and great and exciting things happen to me because I prepare myself beforehand.

I’ll never forget an awful interaction I’d had with an auntie when I was around 14. I was in the process of attempting to like myself more, and she caught me in a moment where I was adjusting my clothes and my hair and fixing my lipstick in the mirror. She made some throwaway comment with a spiteful tone about how I care about my looks too much and that vanity looks good on no-one.

My God, that filled me with so much shame.

I already felt like an imposter - an unattractive girl checking her looks in the mirror… lipstick on a pig vibe. This comment called me out, almost saying “Vanity looks good on no-one… especially not you! How audacious”.

Then onwards, as I got more attractive, I prided myself on being vain.

Note: I know the word ‘vain’ has many negative connotations so maybe it’s the wrong word to use. By ‘vain’ I simply mean the act of caring what you look like.

It was an honour that I liked and cared about myself enough to take the time admiring and adjusting and making minor fixes to how I looked.

Can you blame me when I would noticeably see that people were kinder to me when I presented myself better? I’d get more free stuff, make more friends, meet more guys, have friendlier conversations… the energy of the world around me felt better.

BUT, on the other hand… is this all kind of a performance? Is it sad that I feel like I have to look my best before I step into lecture halls or pop into a coffee shop? Yes, pretty privilege is REAL af - especially for women - and sometimes I can’t decide whether I should play up to this, or go against it.

But if I’m being as honest as possible here… what feels the most tragic is pretending I don’t enjoy it.

As I said earlier, I love feeling put together, catching my reflection in a window and thinking, God, I’m gorgeous.

Yes, that version of me benefits from pretty privilege - it’s the world we live in.

Note: and we can’t 100% blame society for this. Biologically we are more attracted to attractive people with even facial structures and signs of good health from a reproductive angle x

But wanting to look and feel good for myself doesn’t become wrong just because it happens to align with how the world rewards women.

It doesn’t cancel out our depth or make us shallow.

A confident woman is powerful and the world knows this so sometimes I think that the phrase ‘vain woman’ was used to indoctrinate us into thinking it’s a bad thing.

Wonderful things can happen when a woman cares about herself and loves how she looks. She is powerful af. Remember… a man can have all the power, money and success in the world but he will always be vulnerable to the influence of a beautiful woman.

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You’re allowed to care about your exterior and your interior at the same time.

So maybe the point isn’t choosing between playing the game or rejecting it completely.
Maybe the point is this:

I get to decide how I show up in my own life, and I don’t have to apologise for enjoying the way I look while I’m doing it.

Today, I woke up and I knew who I was. I woke up with the security: I KNOW the version of me that will be facing the world today. I stretched and yawned and brushed my teeth and I thought to myself… “I have a routine and I KNOW ME.”

This was not always the case, which is what’s prompting me to write this article.

I used to genuinely fantasise about having a strong sense of self. I guess I secretly wished that I saw myself as being good enough to be a main character.

I was obsessed with the ide. I took personality quizzes, read about archetypes, analysed people I admired, wondered what it would feel like to really know who I was.

Over the years (a tedious, tumultuous period of time so I’ll cut to the point), I realised:

I can create myself… what the fuck.

As I’ve gotten older, one of the most interesting things I’ve noticed is how many people cannot answer the most basic questions about themselves.

What are your strengths?
Your weaknesses?
If you had to define yourself in three words, what would they be?
If you were a colour, what colour?
If you were an aesthetic, what aesthetic?

People think those questions are surface-level, but they’re not. They’re foundations. Because when you decide what you are, what you’re not, what you value, how you want to move through the world, you start to build a version of yourself that you actually like. And when you like yourself, as in genuinely find yourself interesting, the amount of self-love you have is insane.

Here’s the thing…. Your personality is not real!

It’s a collection of experiences, choices, habits, reactions, beliefs, and all of that is editable. You don’t find yourself. You create yourself. You can change at any time. You can decide again. You can become whoever you want to be.

Once you decide:
this is the kind of friend I am,
this is the life I want to live,
this is the energy I bring into rooms,
this is how I speak, how I dress, how I respond, how I carry myself

etc, etc…
You stop over-observing your own existence: worrying about how you sound, how you look, how you’re coming across.

That’s where real confidence comes from: having a strong sense of self and actually liking who you’ve chosen to be.

It’s hard to feel confident about something you know nothing about.
But when you know who you are, you move with conviction.

If I could urge you to do anything this year, it would be this:
build your identity intentionally.

Get obsessed with creating yourself.
Make a list of traits you admire in other people.
Pull pictures, colours, moods, aesthetics that light you up.
Decide how you want to walk into rooms.
Decide what your presence feels like.
Then live accordingly.

Do everything with the thought:
this is how my future self would do it.

I promise you, your life will change faster than any journal prompt or wellness trend ever could.

Most people go through life unintentionally.
Intentionality is a beautiful thing.

And there is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t be someone you are completely fucking obsessed with.

There comes a point in your life where you realise something very terrifying… most people do not fail.

They drift.

This realisation, for most people, normally happens around their thirties, fourties, onwards… it’s why we see these ‘older’ baddies on YouTube and TikTok telling us that their best piece of advice for the youth is to LIVE THEIR LIFE…

Most people (aka NPC’s) drift through years waiting for clarity, waiting for permission, waiting for confidence, waiting for the version of themselves who feel ‘ready’. They posptone their lives with impressive discipline. And then one day they wake up and discover that the people they once felt equal to have somehow moved several chapters ahead (shock.)

Different city. Different lifestyle. Different problems.

And the most confronting part… they’re not smarter than you. Not more special than you. No different blueprint. They just dared to cross a line you’re still standing in front of.

I used to believe success was about talent, timing, or some invisible quality or destiny you’re either born with or not. But the more I live this life - and the more audaciously successful, wealthy, loved, and magnetic people I meet - the more obvious the pattern becomes:

The only real difference between you and the people who live your dream life is that they decided they belonged in it before there was any evidence.

This isn’t (but also lowkey is) spiritual fluff. It’s biology and psychology.

Your brain is a prediction machine. It constantly scans for who you believe you are and then quietly arranges your behaviour, your focus, your tolerance for risk, your willingness to persist, your ability to withstand discomfort - just to maintaint that identity.

If you see yourself as “someone who’s trying,” your brain treats your life like an experiment.

If you see yourself as “someone who’s becoming,” your brain treats your life like a mission.

That one shift changes everything.

This is why you watch people around you - completely ‘normal’ people - end up wildly ahead. One friend becomes rich. Another goes viral. Another seems to be loved by everyone. Another builds a life that looks suspiciously like something from your Pinterest.

And instead of asking how did they do that?… you should be asking when did they decide they could?

[Some Pop Culture references incoming…] Look at the way people talk about figures like Leah Kateb or Huda Mustafa after Love Island. “She was born for this.” “How was she not already famous?” “She’s going to be everywhere.” As if the show magically created something new in them.

It didn’t.

It revealed the self-concept they were already living from.

They walked into opportunity already acting like they belonged there. And the world simply adjusted.

The same thing happens on smaller, quieter scales every day.
The friend who starts a Substack and suddenly makes thousands (aka me x).
The girl who always ends up in the best rooms.
The one who somehow never stays stuck for long.

They are not operating on hope.
They are operating on fierce belief and expectation.

And expectation, or perhaps a better word assumption, is the most underrated force on the planet.

Now that I’ve learnt this… I hold it as a settled truth that my work will reach people. That my writing will matter. That I will build influence, financial freedom, deep love, and a life that feels intentional. I do not treat these as wishes. I treat them as coordinates.

Start moving like someone who is already late to becoming who they’re meant to be.

Baby… if someone your age can do it, so can you. If someone with your background can do it, so can you. If someone you personally know can do it, you have no excuse left.

The gap is not external.
It is psychological.

The moment you let yourself close that gap, your life begins to move.

Please let me be your older-sister reality check…

STOP WASTING YOUR BEAUTIFUL YEARS REHEARSING A LIFE YOU’RE AFRAID TO ENTER. STOP TREATING YOUR FUTURE LIKE A FRAGILE DREAM. IT;S A DIRECTION. Stop waiting for the proof that you’re ‘their type’ … the proof comes AFTER you decide.

Choose the side of people who win.
Then behave accordingly.

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To my readers - thank you for being here. This is only the beginning of the work I intend to do in the world, and I’m glad you’re walking into it with me. If this resonated, leave a comment, share it with someone you care about, and consider subscribing. We’re not drifting here.

We’re building… because nothing changes if nothing changes.

CHOOSE MOMENTUM.

Here’s what I wish I read last year - and how I’m not going to let myself live the same emotional year twice. I’m not regretful of 2025 - it was perfect in a million ways. But, the TikTok consensus does seem to be absolutely true… it was the year of the Snake (a year of shedding), and now the Year of the Horse is upon us. It’s time to march and gallop towards what we truly want.

You’re letting life pass you by and you don’t even realise it… that guy you can’t stop thinking about, the friendships and situations that you can’t get over that you’ve been spending months and years clinging on to.

And then just like that… one day you’re going to wake up and you’ll be 63.

Your thoughts shape your reality. Whatever you think about consistently literally creates your reality, and whatever you DON’T think about - your brain blocks it out. Your brain looks for evidence of your thoughts AT ALL TIMES. Consistency is safe to your brain, your brain wants to keep you safe, so it will stick to these thoughts/routines/bad habits (that’s why sadness is addicting).

You can consistently do great for the rest of your life because your brain registers it as safe… but you can also, perhaps unknowingly, self sabotage.

If all you do is think about a person and wondering how to get over them, get revenge, move on… 90% of your thoughts are on ANOTHER entire person, and not even in the present. You’re literally living in the past.

And then you’re confsed why you can’t be happy … but you’re not even here.

I don’t think you understand how serious this can get… replaying the toxic fights, how it could’ve been, what you should have done. Your brain doesn’t know that it happened in the past - it thinks you’re reliving that moment again and again. In other words… you’re traumatising yourself.

Whatever traumatised you.. it happened AGES AGO.

Open your eyes.

Go outside.

Take deep breaths.

Be present.

What’s actually happening to you? Nothing. Eaxactly.

These gross thoughts are causing gross emotions so you’re bringing it back to life 10000 times a day. You can choose to think about what you want to think about yet you choose to go over the same thing that happened to you and then you wonder why you’re unhappy and all your days look the same every single year.

To change your life - change your thoughts.

You will manifest that. What you put your attention on consistently… you will have it. Your brain needs it and will be looking for it.

Think about what you DO want and just try and move on. Experiment with the hypothetical situation that you can wake up and have a different life. Think, imagine, live and breathe the person who lives that life.

You will start to look for healthier ways to be and live.

So… how do you change these thoughts?

Pay attention to your thoughts - what are you actually thinking?

Don’t live your life as if you’re still being abused and traumatised when these bullies aren’t even in your life anymore! They did their due diligence, karma will get them, good riddance, and when you try and think about them - STOP IT.

A word/mantra can help.

E.g. let’s say a boy broke your heart, and constantly told you you were ugly… the opposite? BEAUTY. Repeat that word to yourself every time he comes up in your head.

Keep stopping the thought loops and I promise you - it will eventually just stop coming up. Find something else to think about, and do things in your life that disrupt that normal, negative, consistent routine that you’re addicted to:

(from discomfort is the price you pay for a fulfilling life by jacqueline)

Don’t let other people’s limiting beliefs keep you stuck forever. If you identify as an unlucky victim who always gets the short straw - why would you be any different?

Whatever you think about is how it is.

Change your thoughts and your behaviours will change then your actions will change then your environment will change then your environment will change.

So change what you think about - don’t give in to the limiting beliefs… because nothing changes if nothing changes.

Two years ago, as an excuse to not revise for my A-Levels, I decided to read WomanCode by Alyssa Vitti - and I understand why so many women online quietly rave about it.

It’s not a hype book. It doesn’t promise to “fix” you in 30 days. And honestly, parts of it are dense. But underneath all of that, there’s a really clear message that most of us were never taught about our bodies.

This is my attempt at what I’ve always wished someone else would do for the loved women in my life (friends, aunts, colleagues):

read the whole thing, filter out the noise, and explain what actually matters in a way that makes sense.

The Main Idea

The book is built around one central reframe:

Most hormonal “issues” aren’t random, and they’re not your body failing you.
They’re your body responding logically to stress, food, sleep, and lifestyle.

A lot of conventional approaches focus on controlling symptoms - regulating periods, suppressing hormones, birth control, flattening out fluctuations. WomanCode takes a different stance. It treats symptoms as signals, not problems to override.

That shift alone changes how you relate to your body. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?” you start asking, “What is my body reacting to?”

Why so many different problems have the same roots

Conditions like PMS, acne, irregular periods, PCOS, anxiety, low libido, and chronic fatigue often come from the same underlying imbalances.

Not because all women are the same, but because the endocrine system is interconnected. When one part is under strain, others compensate… until they can’t.

So while symptoms may look different from woman to woman, the root causes are often very similar:

• unstable blood sugar

• chronic stress and adrenal overload

• poor hormone clearance

• living completely out of sync with the menstrual cycle

That’s why treating symptoms in isolation rarely works long-term.

The five-step framework (without the fluff)

Vitti’s entire method is built around five steps. They’re simple, but they’re very intentional, and the order matters.

1. Stabilise blood sugar

This is the foundation of everything.

When blood sugar is constantly spiking and crashing, the body releases more cortisol. Over time, that interferes with ovulation, lowers progesterone, worsens PMS, increases anxiety, and drives cravings.

This isn’t about cutting carbs or being “disciplined.” It’s usually the opposite. Eating enough, eating regularly, and pairing carbohydrates with protein and fat so your body doesn’t feel like it’s in survival mode.

For a lot of women, this step alone improves mood, energy, and cycle symptoms within a few weeks.

What this looks like practically

1. Start the day gently
Instead of waking up and immediately flooding your system with caffeine, begin with hydration.

A simple habit:

• a full glass of water shortly after waking

• ideally before coffee

This helps rehydrate your body after sleep and supports cortisol’s natural morning rhythm instead of shocking the system.

2. Eat something within a reasonable window
Skipping breakfast or delaying food until midday might feel productive, but hormonally it often signals scarcity.

You don’t need a perfect breakfast. You just need:

• some protein

• some fat

• some carbohydrates

That might look like:

• eggs and toast

• yogurt with fruit and seeds

• leftovers from dinner

The goal is not optimisation - it’s reassurance to your nervous system.

3. Pair carbs instead of fearing them
Carbohydrates aren’t the problem; eating them alone often is.

Instead of:

• coffee and a croissant

• fruit on its own

Think:

• toast with eggs

• fruit with yogurt or nuts

This slows glucose release and prevents the energy-and-crash cycle that fuels anxiety and cravings.

2. Support stress hormones (the adrenals)

The book is very clear about this: modern women are not weak - they’re overextended.

Living in constant productivity mode, running on caffeine, adrenaline, and willpower, signals danger to the body. When the body feels unsafe, reproductive hormones are the first thing to be deprioritised.

Supporting stress hormones isn’t about giving up ambition. It’s about creating enough physiological safety for the body to function properly again - through rest, sleep, boundaries, and realistic energy output.

Practical ways this shows up

• Eating regularly instead of pushing through hunger

• Sleeping enough hours consistently, not just on weekends

• Reducing reliance on caffeine to replace rest

• Allowing some parts of the day to be intentionally low-stimulation

These changes don’t look dramatic, but hormonally they matter more than supplements.

3. Support hormone elimination

Hormones don’t just get produced; they also need to be cleared.

If digestion is sluggish, the liver is overloaded, or elimination pathways aren’t supported, estrogen can recirculate in the body. That’s when symptoms like bloating, heavy periods, breast tenderness, and inflammation show up.

This is where unglamorous things like fibre, hydration, gut health, and micronutrients actually matter.

4. Sync with your cycle instead of fighting it

This was one of the most grounding parts of the book.

Women aren’t hormonally designed to feel the same every day. Each phase of the cycle has a different hormonal profile, which means different energy levels, strengths, and needs.

Trying to be consistently productive, social, or high-energy every day creates burnout and self-blame. Learning to work with the cycle - instead of against it - reduces shame and increases self-trust.

You stop seeing fluctuations as a flaw and start seeing them as information.

5. Reconnect with feminine energy (in a practical way)

This part is less mystical than it sounds.

It’s not about aesthetics or performing femininity. It’s about intuition, embodiment, creativity, and receptivity - all of which are easier to access when the body is hormonally supported.

When your hormones stabilise, your relationship with yourself changes. You feel more present, more connected, and less at war with your own rhythms.

Food cycling: eating differently across your cycle

Another core ideas in WomanCode that I’m sure you’ve also seen on TikTok is that women don’t need the same foods all month long. Hormonal needs shift across the cycle, and food can support those shifts.

Instead of perfection, think emphasis.

Follicular + ovulatory phases (roughly days 1–14)

This is when oestrogen is rising.

Helpful focuses:

• lighter, fresher foods

• leafy greens

• cruciferous vegetables

• sprouted grains

• fermented foods

These support oestrogen metabolism and gut health.

Luteal phase (roughly days 15–28)

This is when progesterone should rise and energy naturally dips.

Helpful focuses:

• grounding, warming foods

• root vegetables

• complex carbohydrates

• healthy fats

This is not the time to restrict. Many cravings during this phase are actually signals for more fuel and minerals.

Seed cycling: what it is and how to do it simply

Seed cycling is a gentle, food-based way to support hormonal balance across the cycle.

It’s not a cure-all, but it can be a supportive practice if done consistently.

How it works

• Days 1–14 (follicular + ovulatory):

  • flax seeds

  • pumpkin seeds

These support oestrogen metabolism and early-cycle hormone production.

• Days 15–28 (luteal):

  • sesame seeds

  • sunflower seeds

These support progesterone production and balance.

How to actually include them

You don’t need complicated recipes. Think:

• sprinkling them on yogurt

• adding them to smoothies

• mixing them into oats or salads

Foods to be mindful of (without fear)

The book suggests reducing things that place extra strain on hormonal balance, particularly when symptoms are present.

This doesn’t mean “never again.” It means awareness.

Examples include:

• excessive sugar without protein

• highly processed foods

• excessive caffeine

• alcohol, especially in the luteal phase

The point isn’t restriction - it’s noticing how your body responds.

Whenever I need motivation to get back on my hormonal health game, I always think of that visual of a gorgeous woman - the one who glows and shines and commands, and whose presence is healing and calming.

That is the glow of a woman who has healed her hormones. We can all be like that. Do NOT let Western medicine and quick fixes make you settle for sub-par health. Build and strengthen your endocrine system. Eliminate toxins and feed yourself the things your body needs to get your health bar back up to 100% - because nothing changes if nothing changes.

Feel free to put any questions or thoughts in the comments - I’d like to be here for you.

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The nervous system doesn’t respond to insight.

Here is a list of the unglamorous and repeatable ways I teach my body that it’s safe - especially for the days when affirmations and awareness just isn’t enough.

The rest of this post is paid. Not because it’s something profound - because it’s personal and specific.

Quick note: Why doesn’t language calm the body? Why can’t we tell ourselves that what happened when we were eight is no longer happening to us, and that it’s safe to move on? You must be aware that the purpose of the nervous system is the same fight or flight system that protected our ancestors from being malled apart by sabre toothed tigers all those centuries ago… It doesn’t react to words or logic but instead intuition and environment. Understanding the trauma will not lead to nervous system regulation. Understanding the trauma may calm the conscious mind but the subconscious mind will remain threatened.

Why is this a problem?

If you’re tired of living the life you’re living and you want change… no matter how much ‘doing the work’ you do, your subconscious mind will register that you’re still in a stressed state, and thus reject the new identity you’re trying so hard to download.

BUT, new identity paired with nervous system regulation = your subconscious mind (who wants nothing but to keep you safe) will be more willing to download a new identity if it comes with the reassurance that the new identity is SAFE.

You change your nervous system, you change your biology, you change your identity, you change your assumptions, you change your LIFE.

THE UNSEXY WAYS

1. Lying on the floor with a weighted blanket

When my nervous system is loud, I remove decision-making entirely.

I lie flat on the floor and put weight on my body. Not to relax — to ground.
Pressure tells my body where it begins and ends.

I don’t journal. I don’t reflect.
I let gravity do the work.

This one from Amazon is around £20 and does the job perfectly.

2. EFT tapping (with or without affirmations)

I tap to discharge energy, not to convince myself of anything.

I don’t tell myself I’m safe.
I let my body feel the repetition.

Sometimes I tap while thinking about nothing.
Sometimes I tap while letting the discomfort exist.

The point isn’t relief.
It’s letting activation move instead of stagnate.

Have a look at Brad Yates. He has a video for Tapping on almost everything. My favourite one of his is one about victimising yourself.

3. Deep breathing with heart coherence

This is one of the few times I do work with breath — but very specifically.

I breathe slowly enough that my heart rate changes before my thoughts do.
Long exhales. Gentle rhythm. No forcing calm.

If my mind races, I don’t intervene.
I let the breath lead.

I rub my hands together to create heat and then put that heat on my bare chest. Feel it.

4. Guided meditation (Medito)

I don’t meditate to “be present”.
I meditate to borrow regulation.

Guided meditations give my nervous system something neutral to track when silence feels unsafe.

I choose simple ones. No visualisations. No emotional excavation.
Just enough structure to stay on track.

Medito is (and always will be) free… it’s the best app out there. No ads, no spam, no need to sign up or pay.

5. Rocking

This one is deeply unsexy— and deeply effective.

I rock gently, side to side or back and forth.
Not to soothe a thought, but to signal rhythm.

This is one of the oldest regulation cues we have.

I let myself do this whenever and wherever. You can do this on the floor, on the sofa, on a yoga mat, or in bed whilst watching something. Expect tears!

6. Gentle yoga (very unstructured)

I don’t stretch through activation.

If my body is highly dysregulated, yoga can make things worse.
So I only move when there’s already a baseline of safety.

Slow movements. Familiar poses. No pushing.

This is about feeling belonging in my body, not exercise.

When I'm highly dysregulated, I don’t even follow a video. I do what feels good for my back and hips (where I get pain)… child’s pose, cat-cow, frog pose, and I call it a night.

7. Silent time (my fav)

Sometimes the most regulating thing I do is less.

No talking. No music. No podcasts.
No background noise.
Phone out of reach.

I dim the lights. I sit still. I let my nervous system settle without stimulation.

I don’t add another practice.
I remove what’s overwhelming.

DO NOT normalise overstimulation.

8. Bath time!

Take a bath to relax. (Or a hot shower).

Yes, cold showers and ice baths are good for you - but sometimes we need the benefits of warmth, safety and cosiness first.

Warm water activates the parasympathetic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve.
This shifts the body away from fight-or-flight and toward rest-and-digest — without you having to think or focus.

Your body relaxes first. Your mind follows later.

Remember, they’re boring but that’s why they work.

Have a go at a few of these - all of these even - and let me know how it goes - nothing changes if nothing changes xx

From a very concerningly young age, I’ve been hyper aware of the ‘it girl’ concept. The concept has bullied and taunted me as I’ve grown up, following me around in the form of flawless girls (sometimes friends) who have just always had it all.

She’s the girl women notice first without knowing why.
She’s the girl who walks into a room and men straighten their posture.
She’s invited. Approached. Included.
She doesn’t chase — she’s chosen.
She’s perfectly put together with perfect grades.
She’s the universally envied one.

Being under a new roof, completely responsible for myself - I’m in control of my sleep schedule, my diet, my hygiene, my fashion choices - my everything. I assumed that this new, fresh change would match the woman I became. One where the desire to be a main character was pointless, and I was able to be a satisfied and healthy side character in my own story.

But, no.

It didn’t take long for University to throw new faces and characters my way, and before I knew it my brain fell into that predictable pattern of noticing and then glamourising a girl who just effortlessly had it all.

Observing her, hearing about her, being around her only made me realise my own lack. Yes, I now had a great sleep schedule, a solid group of friends and an impressive gym schedule, but my social calendar wasn’t full enough, my looks not striking enough, and the general perception of me was not outstanding enough.

Nightlife made it obvious, social media exaggerated it, and the club magnified it.

I recognise this pattern and now this wiser, more grounded version of me is able to give that comparison some grace.

I grew up around emotional instability and this made me vigilant as opposed to worthy. I never learned how to feel desirable - only careful.

Seeing these women be so at ease with themselves that they were willing to let the rest of the world enjoy them was like a dream to me.

My nervous system always yanked me back into what felt familiar, that ‘overshadowed’ feeling I felt around 13-15… my nervous rejection prepared me for rejection not attention.

Even though I had drastically physically improved (and this is affirmed by other people, even strangers, every single day) my self concept was stuck at 15 year old me.

I saw myself through the past version of me, not the present version people meet.

THE SHIFT

As I’ve mentioned before, I know that our mind controls reality.

I have been through quantum leaps and mindset shifts and 3D changes so catastrophic that my depression disappeared and the world fell in love with me… I knew that this constant comparison didn’t have to be something that weighed on me forever. I went back to what worked for me before - back to the basics. A new subliminal.

Brad Yates EFT tapping videos on confidence, self-worth, and releasing victimhood.

It didn’t take long for me to see the shift.

I’ll always remember sitting in the library having a conversation with one of my closest friends about this comparison cycle I was stuck in… I was talking about the girls I admired - the way boys treat them, the confidence they move with, the ease they have… and she said:

“{My name], don’t you see that this is just like you too? You’ve just let your past experiences affect you too much.”

I am realising that I am not invisible. I was just conditioned to not see myself clearly.

And when I actually think back on my life—both before and after doing inner work—the evidence was always there:

• people would stop me in the street to tell me I looked good, that my perfume smelt nice, calling me a ‘baddie’

• guys have always dm’ed me without actually knowing me - attention wasn’t new, my perception was

• drinks are often bought for me

• I have made new girlfriends just from a compliment at the club

• it is assumed that I would approach a guy because I am ‘the most confident person’ people know

I used to take all of that as a bad sign, or “normal,” or something to dismiss because of the way I was raised to shrink and not trust male attention. I would shut it down instantly, or assume it meant nothing, or minimise it so it wouldn’t threaten the little self-worth I had.

There are night I’m surrounded by gorgeous girls in the club and I see the way they act - using their face card to get what they want, get where they want, and get treated how they want.

I used to think this was audacious and unnecessary… But now?

I get it.

Their audacity is valid because they validate themselves - and that’s all it takes.

I had let female conditioning mute my pretty privilege, when in reality, I’m allowed — and honestly, required — to take up space, speak my mind, and get my way.

The Psychology: Why Some Pretty Girls Don’t Know They’re Pretty

Some of us were given an upbringing that forced us to heal our minds and nervous systems in ways other girls never had to worry about.
Cognitive distortions from childhood along with trauma-based self concept leaked into my self-perception for most of my teenage years. This formed an avoidant attachment to men (in general) and my self worth was built not on being seen but by achievement.

Don’t let what you’re used to become what you get used to.

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University has taught me that the ‘pretty girl aura’ is something many, many women can have - and it’s entirely based on energy, confidence and presence.

I had let my subconscious downplay things that my friends and the people around me openly acknowledged.

I just didn’t see the signs because I was so used to shrinking.

You are allowed to grow out of the old self-image.

You deserve to be seen. (a line I’ve always heard but only now truly understand)

You don’t have to be the insecure version of yourself forever.

You’re allowed to be treated well now.

There’s a very real chance that you are the pretty girl, the magnetic one, the chosen one — you just haven’t let the truth catch up to you yet.

You have to decide to see yourself clearly, move differently, and take up the space you were always meant to fill —
because nothing changes if nothing changes.

I didn’t know who I was outside of my past. I didn’t know how to tell a story without weaving in the word “trauma.” It felt like my entire identity was made up of childhood wounds, heartbreaks that weren’t even mine, friendships that ended too early, and the constant replays of what went wrong. If someone asked me who I was, I didn’t have an answer beyond: I am the girl this happened to.

There’s a kind of safety in that, in case you’ve never experienced it. Being the victim allows you to let life explain itself for you. You don’t have to risk trying new things or imagining something bigger, because you’ve already decided that you’re limited/wounded. And once that’s the label you wear, everything that happens to you fits neatly inside the frame.

But eventually, I got tired of living in reruns.

It didn’t happen overnight (a cringey and overused line, I know). No screaming-in-the-shower catharsis, no Hollywood montage of cutting my hair and running into the rain (although I’d always pray it would happen that way). It was more like a slow realisation that my inner monologue was always circling back to the same old pain, as if pressing on a bruise to check if it’s still there. I would narrate situations in a way that cast me as the one who was overlooked, abandoned, dismissed — even when that just wasn't the case.

It was comfortable because at least I knew the script. And then one day, I thought: what if I just stopped playing the part?

I wish I could say I decided that and never looked back, but of course that’s not what happened.

Instead, I experimented.

I let myself imagine what it might be like to have a different role - a role similar to those I'd always envy and look up to (I thought my life could never look like theirs). To embody the version of me that hadn’t been written yet. Some people would call it “delulu” — I call it gaslighting myself into a softer future.

When the old thoughts came — you’re too broken, too late, too much, too little — I didn’t fight them with logic (logic rarely works). I just tried on new sentences. I’m actually safe now. I’m actually magnetic. I’m actually the kind of woman who things work out for.

The sentences will feel ridiculous at first. Saying them felt like wearing someone else’s clothes.

There was a hurt, shamey part of me that wanted to laugh at myself and tuck the whole idea away, but I kept returning to the ritual because the real work wasn't convincing my head — it was convincing my body (aka somatic work).

When my breath was shallow, I would sit cross-legged in quiet rooms and say an affirmation, slowly, until it stopped sounding like a lie. I would place my palm on my heart and count for six in, six out. The body would flinch at first but then, a week later, then a month later, my chest would stop buzzing like a faulty light switch when I said it. The sentence stopped being an act of fraud and started being an offering I made to myself.

I'm not the only doing this.

Courtney Cho *gorgeous lady on TikTok who turned her life around through mental training and somatic work, if you don’t know her get to know her* — wrote something that landed in the exact place my stubbornness lived:

“Your past doesn’t determine your future. Your subconscious programming does.”

She showed, with brutal and sparkly candour, that the identity you run is a program you can update. I kept reading her work over and over:

Please check her wisdom out here.

It’s prescriptive, not just aspirational. These are instructions.

We have built ourselves into being “a master manifestor, brick by brick, thought by thought, insistent belief upon insistent belief—choice after choice.”

Let this phrase steady you on days when the past wants to be performative grief. Embodiment is cumulative. It’s not about pretending the bruise isn’t there. It’s about building new muscle around it so you can reach for something different without wincing.

Still — I want to be clear — I did not become immune to pain. I am not immune to pain (and I don’t want to be). I did not delete the past. The memory of hurt is still on the shelf, like a book I’d been recommended to keep for historical reasons: useful to reference, not required as my current reading material. I read those pages on rainy days and acknowledge that younger version of me. Then I close the book and keep walking.

There were practical habits that helped anchor this re-authoring (I will go into this in more detail in future articles).

And then there were the social experiments that were quietly rebellious.

Deleting someone’s number not because it made a headline, but because keeping them in my phone meant I was rehearsing a part of a character I did NOT want to be

Saying no to invitations that felt like replaying approval-seeking behaviour

Letting compliments land without immediately qualifying them with sarcasm.

Each small boundary was less performative and more like remodelling.

I want to pull a line from Courtney again because it helped me when I felt ridiculous for trying:

The sentence is blunt and comforting in one breath. It removes the gatekeeping — manifestation or identity work isn't a club with a secret password. It's largely just practice and permission. Permission to think a different thought, and practice to let your nervous system learn that thought.

Here’s the messy centre of the work: for the identity to update, your nervous system needs time. Belief alone is an announcement. Regulation is the infrastructure. You cannot simply tell an frightened limbic system to "calm down"; you have to create conditions that make calm feel safe. For me, that looked like an evening of low lighting, a playlist with no lyrics, and a hand on my belly while I breathed through a sentence: I’m allowed to want this. I’m allowed to change. With repetition, with ritual, your body will begin to listen.

There were days when I would catch myself slipping back into the old narration. A message notification would ding and my brain would begin its neat, familiar work — inventory, analysis, dramatization.

In those moments I would put my phone down and go and make tea for no reason. Sometimes the act of simple domestic care rewired the script — making tea, boiling water and waiting for a soft steam is a way of saying to yourself, I will care for me.

When I began to show up like someone I was trying on — quieter, more patient, less eager to explain myself — the world around me started to behave differently. People treat you according to the energy you radiate. That sounds performative and shallow when you say it out loud, but it’s also true. Not everyone noticed, and that was fine.

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There were practical indicators that ‘the work’ was working: my sleep normalized, my appetite steadied, and I had fewer stomach-twisting days. I did not become invulnerable. I simply learned to ride the waves instead of being taken down by them. That’s where the real unglamorous magic lives. It’s not in the headline; it’s in the calmer, more spacious present that allows you to make better decisions.

At some point, the sentences I’d been rehearsing started to feel less staged. I remember a specific moment: I was at school, I walked into the classroom, and a group of girls in front of me laughed loudly at something on their phone. Instead of my automatic, shamey reflex — oh god why are they laughing at me — my body relaxed because I am allowed to be here. The little unhooking from the reflexive shame was the evidence I’d been chasing.

I learned to be methodical about whose language I let in. Choose your programming, act as if — and then translate it into your small rituals. That translation is personal and messy. It will look different for each person; there is a difference between inspiration and imitation. For me, it included rewriting my inner script and applying regulation practices until the script felt less like cosplay and more like me.

There are nights I still wake up with the old narratives promising how isolated I’ll always be, how my wishes are childish.

On those nights, I use the smallest tools I have left: I take deep breaths, have a shower, distract myself with social media or a funny YouTube video. I light a candle — a scent that reminds me of a different version of myself — and I let the familiar scent be a temporary anchor while the new architecture settles.

If you ask me whether gaslighting yourself into a new identity is manipulative, I would say: it depends on how you do it. If you manufacture delusion to avoid pain and keep people out forever, that’s not growth. But if you use deliberate identity work — a mixture of imagination, ritual, and nervous system care — to create safety so you can lean into vulnerability, that is bravery disguised as whimsy. There is no purity test here. There is a practice, and it asks for a stitch of honesty: what are you actually trying to avoid? The answer will tell you whether you are running toward possibility or running from discomfort.

I do not have a tidy finish to this essay because the work is not finished. I can, however, describe the current shape of my days with specificity. I say my affirmations. I practice grounding. I refuse to rehearse pain due to habit. I make small decisions that compound. I pick stability over drama more often. I doubt less loudly and choose more.

There is one final thing I want to give you: a practical starter set if you want to try something similar tomorrow.

1. Pick one sentence you wish were true. Keep it short. Keep it kind. (For me: I am adored.)

2. Say it when you remember. Don’t argue with yourself when it feels false — note that it feels false and say it anyway, softly.

3. Pair it with breath (4 in, 6 out works) or a gentle body movement so your nervous system can begin to accept the idea as safe.

4. Do one concrete tiny thing that aligns with the sentence (send that email, delete the contact; tidy the drawer; book the appointment). This turns belief into behavior.

5. Keep a “micro-wins” list. At the end of the week write three tiny things that landed differently.

This is not a promise of overnight transformation. It’s an invitation to practice. It’s a scaffolding to help the nervous system that has been living on the old script to learn a new choreography.

If this piece has a modest aim, it is this: changing who you are is not a betrayal of your past.

It is an honouring of what you’ve survived and a deliberate, patient invitation to something else. You do not need to arrive at perfection. You need, only, to keep saying the sentence you want your life to believe. Over and over, until your body starts to remember how to breathe into it.

I am still learning how to inhabit these sentences. But if the sentence you choose feels audacious or absurd at first, you’re probably heading in the right direction.

With clumps of mascara gluing my eyes shut, an aching lower back and growling stomach I began to stir awake, turning to the half empty (now warm) glass of water waiting for me from the night before. My phone ‘pinged’, and that was enough to send me into my 923rd spiral of the hour.

The night had been loud, messy, electric.

The morning after: uncomfy, stale and lonely.

Staring at my ceiling, I could feel the tequila sloshing around in my stomach. It was now 11:13am so I had easily missed my morning lecture… now it was time to question whether the night before was worth it.

The morning after the party can be absolutely incredible.

There were nights when I had met a new friend at the club, or spoken to a hot guy, or my friend had got with her crush and there was so much to debrief and look forward to… but this wasn’t and isn’t always the case.

… A few days ago I read an article that prompted me to eventually write this essay. She wrote:

The essay (“Confessions of a Former Slut”) discussed the author’s lifestyle of casual sex and concluded by realising that it was these casual encounters that helped her realise (the hard way) that all one needs to do is to love oneself. [Like the author, I’ve learned that what matters isn’t the act itself, but the intention behind it.]

It always strikes me how quickly the volume shifts. One minute you’re screaming lyrics into the air with strangers who feel like best friends, and you make eye contact with a guy who looks like your dream man but acts like your worst nightmare. In the moment - it feels like power. Like proof that you’re free, untouchable but sexy, in control of who gets access to you.

But the morning after tells a different story.

My eyes barely opened, mascara smudged, body aching, and stomach still rolling from tequila, I reached for the half-empty glass of water from the night before.

The silence feels heavier now. The thrill of a new connection flickers and I’m left in a body that has been touched but not known, a night full of excitement, yet deprived of intimacy.

So then I wonder… was that freedom or was it another way of abandoning myself?

Therefore I wake up in the morning, stripped of it all, and I’m face-to-face with the quieter, messier version of myself. The cocktail of silence, regret and a migraine asks questions I don’t want to answer: if no one was watching, would I still have acted that way?

Sometimes the hardest part of it all isn’t the lack of sleep or the hangover - it’s the aching realisation of how easy it is to be physically present without ever truly being emotionally seen. I can smile, dance, flirt, let someone feel like they truly know me, but underneath it all I’m guarding the corners of myself that are tender, raw, real, but still learning how to trust.

Intimacy isn’t just a body in motion, it’s a willingness to be known, even when (especially when) it’s scary.

What I’ve learned is that the act itself isn’t the problem — it’s the performance. When we use hook-ups as a stage, trying to be the pleasing, doting version of ourselves, we wake up empty.

Nights like that have taught me more about boundaries than I ever expected. I’ve realised (as simple and obvious as it sounds), that saying yes doesn’t have to mean losing myself - it can mean choosing deliberately, choosing freely, and recognising whether a connection seems nourishing or challenging. Am I doing it to enjoy myself or to prove myself?

But when I walk into those moments as myself — messy, honest, not trying to be more desirable than I am — it changes everything. Casual sex stops being about filling the void, and becomes about something lighter: company for the night, with the knowledge that I can still wake up alone and feel whole.

It taught me that self-respect and presence are always within my control, and that the intentionality of how I show up matters more than what anyone else thinks of me.

True growth comes from owning your choices, embracing your imperfections, and learning from the nights that felt messy.

It’s possible to explore, to experiment, to make mistakes, and still return to yourself each morning intact. We don’t need perfection or validation from anyone else to feel complete. We just need to show up, to be present, and to honour ourselves — because when we do, the nights feel richer, and the mornings, even when quiet, feel infinitely brighter

…because nothing changes if nothing changes.

And the only way forward is to step into yourself fully, every single time.