Oh Baltimore, Be Good to Me

As I sit to write this piece, listening to the amazing Ludovico Einaudi, I have to stop to feel. Feel the intense emotions flooding my heart. While I am deeply excited, thrilled, enthralled even, I am also sitting with the feelings of the unknown. The feelings of change. And while change is good, it’s scary.

In the Good Book, God told Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” And I knew it was time to leave. I’ve always known I would leave, but now I’m actually leaving, and to be honest, I doubt I ever come back. I’ll visit for sure, but this is not “the land God is trying to show me.”

I’m leaving behind my friends and family to go somewhere I have actually never been before but have already fallen in love with. A final goodbye to the Mediterranean lounge that allowed me to feel away from home and write. My little brother’s eyes drooping as I tell him I’m leaving. The embrace of my mother’s hug. The memories of friends I shared so many fun nights with. Driving down the backroads I used to play on as a child.

Oh Baltimore, be good to me.
Oh Baltimore, may I get to know you intimately.
Oh Baltimore, I thank you for being a part of the next chapter in my life.

To Live the Poetry I Cannot Write

My perspective of this world is not dictated by the status quo, but rather by a spiritual connection to all of the never-ending possibilities. I desire to conquer every dream that has been hidden in my heart. There’s not a single thing I’ve prayed for that I haven’t received, and there’s not a single thing I’ve worked toward that I haven’t attained.

So for me, this isn’t about starting over, beginning a new life, or even a quote-unquote stepping stone. It’s the expression of pen to paper that I live by. The ability to write my own story and allow it to evolve in the most authentic, beautiful way it knows how. To keep God first, be a good steward of the many blessings He has already blessed me with, and know how to steward the ones that have yet to come.

Someone once told me, “You scare me. I never know what you are going to do next.”

I chuckled and responded, “Neither do I.”

Because life is not to be planned but to be lived, to be experienced, to bask in the art of the known and unknown, and to know that as long as you continue to put pen to paper, the story written will be one of a kind.

I said a while back that I will live the poetry I cannot write. I want to touch, see, and feel as much of the world as I humanly possibly can. So I vow to forever take a chance on art, take a chance on the unknown, take a chance on the known, and never let my pen sit for too long. For I have a voice worthy of being heard and a story worthy of being told.

I used to desire the perception of mystery, of many not knowing me, who I truly was, or what experiences I actually lived. Partially due to feeling judged. But more than anything, due to a desire to be understood.

So I wrote today, “There was a time I craved to be understood. But little did I know being misunderstood was more freeing.”

Therefore, I refuse to hide, apologize, or shrink myself into something understandable. For I would rather be misunderstood. I would rather bask in the art of craziness than dwindle in the simplicity of normalcy.

A Life Worth Living

Many discuss the difficulty of finding your purpose. Figuring out who you are, what you want to be. But I have always known my purpose, who I was, and what I wanted to be. I think it’s just as hard to express that certainty as it is for the one who is uncertain of it all.

So I pray that God continues to protect me, but most importantly, that I protect the courage it takes to walk out on faith and do exactly what I know I am purposed to do. I want to write until I take my very last breath. I want to express art in as many forms as I can learn. I want to reveal a true heart like Christ to as many people as I can touch. And may my courage to live life to the fullest give someone a little more courage to put pen to paper as well and write out the most beautiful story that has yet to be told.

I once said, “If I died today, and for whatever reason I get to rise again, return me as art, return me as the many images of God.”

May you see that God lives in both you and me.

For God gave us the opportunity to live a life of abundance.

A life worth living.

So per usual, I’m begging you to live.

Oh Baltimore, be good to me.

Oh Baltimore, may I get to know you intimately.

Oh Baltimore, I thank you for being a part of the next chapter in my life.

Oh Baltimore, may my art live on with you.

Pen to paper, forever and always.

Being so far from normal
makes me constantly feel alone.

People look at me and say,
“You’re so accomplished”

And I think,
I haven’t touched ten percent of the things that I’m after.

But I nod.
I give thanks.
Because that’s the proper thing to do.

Proper.
To be proper.

I’ve tried for a long time.

I’ve cosplayed it quite well.

It’s gotten me into rooms
I apparently didn’t belong in.

But I knew I belonged.
I’ve always known I belonged.

Just not necessarily
for the reasons the world would say.

I’ve always believed
I am exactly who God says I am.

That’s why I can fly.

And I’ve been flying for a while.

But I think…
I’m ready to soar.

So I can’t come home this time.

I must leave.

And not return anytime soon.

Because home does not know
how to love me properly.

Home doesn’t know
how to cultivate a girl like me.

Home made me feel so alone
I wanted to give up.

Fortunately,
I’d rather die
than betray who I was created to be.

But even more fortunately,
I’d rather soar
than die.

So, home,
you will not bury my dreams
in the graveyard
like you did for so many others.

So I leave you today.

For love is not enough.

Te amo, mi casa, te amo.

Jordan Alexis

The Night the Bedtime Story Ended

Once upon a time there was a young girl who loved a good bedtime story. In fact, it was sometimes the only way she could sleep.

She would dance around her room dreaming about being a princess one day in her pretty pink Cinderella dress and her cute little plastic heels. Around 7 p.m., she would start rubbing her eyes, and her mother knew exactly what that meant: her little princess was ready for bed.

She would tuck her in, read her a bedtime story, kiss her on the forehead, and hold her until she fell asleep. Sometimes, the keeper of the princess would fall asleep right alongside her.

But one night, the little princess woke up to startling noises.

Someone is trying to break in, she thought.

Then a man with bloodshot red eyes walked into her room and dragged her keeper out of bed and into the hallway of her castle. She jumped out of bed and ran after them. And just like that, her bedtime story shattered.

She wasn’t a princess.

There was no castle.

There was only a little girl standing in a hallway watching her father beat her mother. I remember his eyes. The black circles around them were dark. The whites of his eyes were red. I wanted to help my mother, scream, do something.

But I was frozen.

My mother fought back. She ran down the hallway and told me to pack clothes into a backpack. Then she ran to my brothers’ room and told them to do the same.

I’m not sure what time it was, but I remember it being pitch black outside.

And I remember walking.

Walking.

Walking.

Until we reached my grandmother’s house.

My mother never went back.

What Psychology Tells Us About Trauma

I struggled with how I wanted to begin this post because trauma requires a level of sensitivity that many people, and unfortunately many communities, don’t always extend.

I’ve read self-help books encouraging people to move on from their trauma. I’ve heard preachers tell their congregations to forget about it because it happened twenty years ago. And perhaps the worst thing I’ve witnessed is communities going silent when the people who needed support the most were standing directly in front of them.

According to the American Psychological Association, trauma refers to a deeply distressing experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causing lasting negative effects on their emotional, physical, and psychological well-being.

What struck me most about that definition is that trauma is personal.

What traumatized me may not traumatize you.

What changed your life may not change someone else’s.

And because of that, no one has the right to decide what was or was not traumatic for you.

Psychologists have spent decades studying the effects of trauma, particularly adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs. Research consistently demonstrates that childhood trauma is associated with increased rates of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, chronic illness, and difficulties in relationships later in life.

In other words, trauma has a correlation with outcomes.

But correlation is not destiny.

And I think that’s the part we don’t discuss nearly enough.

You Get to Choose What Trauma Does to You

Let me be clear. I am not here to tell you to get over anything. Hell, I’m not even here to give some fake “forgiveness is the key to healing” speech.

But I am here to tell you that you have control, power, and the ability to choose what trauma does to you.

Yes, trauma changes people.

It changed me.

For years after that night, I was terrified of men. Family members would laugh at how attached I was to my mother, but they didn’t understand that I wasn’t clingy. I was scared.

Eventually, I grew older. I went to therapy. I began healing the little girl who believed that the world was unsafe. Not because what happened to me stopped mattering. But because I decided that what happened to me would not become the only thing that ever mattered.

Trauma can explain us.

It can shape us.

It can influence us.

But it does not get to own us.

You do not get to choose what happened to you.

But you do get to choose what happens next.

And perhaps that is the most beautiful and terrifying thing about being human: no matter what you’ve experienced, no matter what you’ve survived, no matter how much of your story was written without your permission, you are still capable of becoming exactly who you were meant to be.

Run after everything you want in this life.

There will come a time where you have to pace yourself, rest and slow down.

But rest is to prepare you to run again, not to stop moving entirely.

It’s okay to have a season of stillness.

But make sure it’s only a season.

Many times we allow fear and sensible advice to make us become stagnant in regard to following our dreams, goals, and aspirations.

When they tell you to slow down, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

Take heed, but don’t let wise advice become an excuse for inaction.

I know this isn’t the normal advice, but there is something about the electrifying energy you get when you are running.

This freeing feeling of being on top of the world.

While your heart may be racing, and your breath grows heavy.

Know that you are also getting to your destination a little faster than if you merely walked.

Balance and Perseverance

Like everything in life, there must be balance. This is not to say literally run after your dreams nonstop but this is to say that there is nothing wrong with a sense of urgency. Waiting can be painful at times. Waiting for that call from your crush. Or waiting for the doctor to bring your lab results back. Waiting for your dreams to come to fruition. And unlike waiting on your crush or waiting on your labs from your annual physical, you can’t speed up those results.

But you know what you can speed up?

Filming another vlog.

Making another call.

Writing another chapter.

Sending in another application.

Practicing another dance.

Trying another recipe.

And another and another.

Primarily due to the fact that following your dreams has no end.

There are countless moments, awards, and opportunities that will warrant praises and celebrations for accomplishing things towards your dreams. Some big, some small. Some momentary. But some last a lifetime.

There’s no such thing as too many photoshoot concepts.

We always need a new song to listen to.

A new recipe has never hurt anyone.

Dancing fuels the soul, how could you ever dance too much.

Your design can only come to life once you put pen to paper.

And the incredible thing about it all?

No age is too old, no amount is too much, and no dream ever has to end.

Action Calms Anxiety

I understand anxiety can be harmful. Constant thoughts about what the future holds. Never being able to live in the present and bask in the art of right now.

But if you took your anxiety around your future and began to do actual things to make the constant wondering of what your future may hold into a reality, maybe, just maybe those anxious thoughts would begin to slow down.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been one to juggle a lot at once. There was a time I was a caregiver for my parent battling cancer, a full-time graduate student, and a full-time employee. And those were just the big things, not the million small things I was also juggling. And while in the moment I wished the weight was not as heavy; pushing through granted me some amazing accomplishments at the end of that tunnel.

Yes, slow and steady wins the race.

But so can urgency.

This is for the ambitious one who understands that if they don’t start chasing after their dreams now it will forever be a conversation of another day.

I get it, following after something with no guide, instructions, or an “how to” manual can be difficult. And more times than not you will wonder if all this is even worth it. And I want you to know HECK YEAH.

Action calms anxiety. So act.

Run. Rest. Run.

Maybe this season of your life requires rest.

But maybe, just maybe it’s time to run.

And if so.

I’m begging you to,

Run.

Rest.

Run.

Because it’s true: following your dreams has no end.

But only if you begin.

The Power of Word Food

We talk a lot about stewarding our bodies.

We know we should eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, and take care of ourselves physically. Many people even understand the importance of what I like to call “word food”; the things we speak into ourselves and over ourselves. But in order to create lasting change, it is not enough to repeat positive affirmations from time to time when a social media post reminds you to. You must actually live, believe, and remember the truth you speak.

So many people mock or downplay the person with sticky notes on their mirror reminding them they are beautiful. They laugh at the daily reminder set on someone’s phone telling them they will be successful. They roll their eyes at the person repeating, “Money comes to me easily and effortlessly every day in every legal way.”

To the glass-half-empty person, it’s cheesy, ridiculous. It’s wishful thinking.

But to the glass-half-full person, it’s opportunity.

And if I’m being honest, that’s the person I want to relate to.

Opportunity Begins With Belief

You see, in order to become educated, successful, wealthy, fulfilled—or whatever it is you desire—you must first have the opportunity to become such.

One of the most beautiful examples of this is what happens when someone invests in an underserved school. It is not the money itself that transforms a child’s life. Rather, it is the resources that money provides which creates opportunities that otherwise may not have existed.

A college degree does not guarantee wealth. A certification does not guarantee success. But both create opportunities that can lead to those outcomes. And I believe the same principle applies to the way we steward our minds. The way we talk to ourselves, things we believe about ourselves, or the stories we tell ourselves about what is possible for our lives.

Psychologists have long studied the concept of self-efficacy, which refers to a person’s belief in their ability to succeed in specific situations or accomplish particular tasks. Research consistently shows that individuals who believe they are capable are more likely to take action, persevere through challenges, and ultimately achieve their goals. In other words, belief does not guarantee success.

But a lack of belief can certainly prevent it.

Many people believe that networking, the right connections, or access to certain rooms are what create opportunity. And to a certain extent, they are right. But if you walk into those rooms believing you do not belong there, believing you are not worthy, believing you are an imposter, then you might as well have stayed home. Because it is not the room that changes your life. It is not the people in the room that change your life.

It is you.

Say “I’m Proud of You” to You

This is why I believe stewarding your mind is just as important as stewarding your body.

Tell yourself you’re beautiful, capable, intelligent, worthy.

And perhaps most importantly, tell yourself you’re proud of you.

Not because you have achieved everything you desire.

Not because you’ve become everything you hope to become.

But because every single day, despite fear, doubt, insecurity, you continue to show up and believe that something greater is possible.

And sometimes, that belief is the very thing that creates the opportunity you’ve been praying for.

Maybe it’s fear.

Or maybe it’s reality.

Or maybe society’s tactic has worked because here I am, wondering once again whether we must experience lust before love.

“This is why I love you.”

“You don’t love me. You don’t even like me.”

It’s almost like hearing a premature I love you from the person you wanted to love most was emptier than the I’ll see you soon to the friend you know you’ll never speak to again.

I wonder if the risk of missing out on true love and only basking in rendezvous and electrifying infatuation is enough. Enough to protect us from ever having to lose it all again. Will it fulfill us, or will we constantly desire more?

But more is scary.

More feels too close to losing it all again.

More causes me to wonder, to overthink, to worry if maybe true love can only be present once you’ve genuinely come to the point where you can differentiate lust from love.

Because lust will have you believing,

“This is why I love you.”

But true love knows.

It knows.

“You don’t love me. You don’t even like me.”

The Illustration

When you’ve been intensely infatuated with someone for a long period of time, it’s hard to digest the idea of walking away. It’s hard to remove them from your life. Because this isn’t the textbook situation of someone you never understood.

This person is different.

Weird.

Odd in the most intriguing way.

You can tell they’re scared to be hurt. They don’t trust easily. They’ve built a wall so high that even they may not remember what life looked like before it existed. And you know it isn’t your job to tear that wall down. Yet somehow, you find yourself trying anyway. Not because they asked you to. But because you want them to know they’re safe.

You want them to know they can rest.

That they can trust.

That home doesn’t always have to feel temporary.

But somewhere along the way, you realize they’ve already created such a specific illustration of what love is supposed to look like that you’re no longer sure you fit the picture.

So you tell yourself to run.

To hide.

To forget this person exists.

Deeply Known

I can’t subject myself to another heartbreak. And yet, despite every mental pep talk, you somehow keep running back in their direction. Not because you enjoy uncertainty. Not because you’re addicted to chaos. But because you love them. You want them to recognize the difference between being desired and being deeply known

Not because they’ve never experienced affection, but because somewhere along the way they’ve mistaken lust for love. They think what you feel is surface level.

Momentary.

Reactionary.

When in reality…

It’s so much deeper than that.

I want to say I love you back.

I really do.

But I don’t trust your,

“This is why I love you.”

Because it only came after something I did.

So instead I say,

“You don’t love me. You don’t even like me.”

And maybe that’s the tragedy.

Because I do love you.

I really do.

Capacity

Don’t Confuse Emotional Intensity With Emotional Capacity

Someone can feel deeply. That doesn’t mean they can love consistently.

Emotions are not the same as emotional maturity. Someone can genuinely care about you while still lacking the capacity to build a healthy relationship. Love is measured not only by how deeply someone feels, but by how consistently they choose to show up.

Compassion Shouldn’t Replace Discernment

You can understand why someone struggles without making it your responsibility to heal them.

Empathy is beautiful. Self-sacrifice isn’t always. Sometimes loving someone means accepting that their healing belongs to them, not to you.

Being Deeply Known Requires Mutual Curiosity

Love isn’t just saying,

“I know you.”

It’s also saying,

“I want to continue knowing you.”

Being deeply known is less about arriving at complete understanding and more about remaining curious. Love keeps asking questions. Lust settles for assumptions.

I Know

So I end here today, finally conveying what I’ve struggled to admit.

I love you too.

I genuinely do.

But I believe it’s best to run away. To hide. To spend my time not basking in rendezvous and electrifying infatuation, but understanding why. Why do I keep returning to the same question of whether we must experience lust before love?

The truth of the matter is…

I already know the answer.

I want love.

Whole love.

Love that does not abandon.

Love that doesn’t leave me returning to questions I’ve already answered.

Yet when love doesn’t work out, I somehow allow the world to convince me that what I need is excitement. Those fleeting moments and temporary feelings are enough.

But they’re not.

What I need.

What I want.

Is for you to tell me once again,

“This is why I love you.”

And this time…

I know.

I know.

You love me.

You even like me.

There will come a time when we are laid to rest.

Where our eyes close and life replays before us.

Regrets no longer matter.

Laughter is remembered.

Betrayals can be forgiven.

And acceptance of our death is spelled out in our eyes.

The thought of where do I go when I die is no longer a thought, but a reality.

And whether you’ve experienced this before will determine if you get to rest in peace.

Because for too many, if you don’t grab hold of your purpose today, that won’t be the first time you die.

You get to choose whether you die once or twice.

Purpose Requires Discomfort

Living out your purpose is a serious notion.

When you choose comfort, safety, and logic too frequently, it can be one of the first signs that you’re choosing death more than once.

And while that might sound morbid, why die twice?

Psychology tells us that the human brain craves certainty. We are naturally drawn toward what feels familiar because familiarity feels safe. That’s not weakness; it’s survival. The problem is that survival and purpose are not always after the same thing.

Safety keeps you alive.

Purpose asks you to risk something.

Comfort protects what you already have.

Purpose requires you to become someone you’ve never been.

I know this world tells you to rise to the top, chase success, take hold of your endeavors, and soar. But if what you’re climbing toward is someone else’s purpose, the fulfillment you were expecting may never come. There are people who accomplish everything they were told to want and still feel empty. Not because they failed, but because they succeeded at someone else’s dream.

Choose to Die Once

To create is to breathe, to live a life worth living. It is to believe that the world gains more from your uniqueness than another illustration of the status quo. I wrote a post a couple of years ago, What Does It Mean to Be Happy?, exploring the idea that happiness looks different for everyone.

Do not conform to someone else’s happiness, for it will literally kill you. Your dreams deserve to be seen, the world needs you, all of you, every quirk, every gift, everything that is unique to you. For dying on earth long before you’re buried is not the life you were created for.

So I come to you today pleading with you to take a chance on the very thing that is most important: you. Dare, risk, do not conform. Rather believe that to die only once is one of life’s greatest privileges. To die only when the Good Lord calls for you. Do not allow the enemy to take away the one life you have to live on this earth. For you were born to create because you were literally created by the Creator. The world cannot experience your purpose if you refuse to create.

You get to choose whether you die once or twice.

I’m begging you to die once.

There’s Enough Room at the Table

A previous supervisor of mine reached out to me on LinkedIn recently while I was traveling. She shared that although she was still employed, she had begun exploring what might be next for her career and asked that I send along any opportunities I came across that I thought would be a good fit.

The timing of her message made me laugh.

Just days earlier, I had been interviewing for a role that, truthfully, I knew she would be perfect for. I immediately responded asking her to send me her resume. I shared the job posting with her and told her I would gladly pass her information along.

Many people may think that sounds absurd. Why would I recommend someone else for a position that I myself am pursuing?

My answer is simple: what God has for me is for me, and what God has for His people is for His people.

I have never believed that supporting someone else’s success somehow jeopardizes my own. In fact, I believe one of the greatest tragedies of modern life is how often we view one another as competition rather than community. Support is trusting that another person’s purpose does not threaten your own.

The Psychology of Scarcity

Psychology has a term for the mindset that tells us there is not enough success, opportunity, love, recognition, or blessing to go around: scarcity mindset.

A scarcity mindset convinces us that if someone else wins, we somehow lose. It whispers that there are only so many seats at the table, only so many opportunities available, only so much happiness and fulfillment reserved for us. As a result, we become protective, competitive, and sometimes even resentful of the success of others.

But abundance operates differently.

Abundance understands that another person’s success is not evidence of your failure. Another person’s blessing is not proof that God forgot about you. Another person’s opportunity does not mean your opportunity no longer exists.

Perhaps this is why I had no hesitation sending my previous supervisor that job posting. If the position is meant for her, then I pray she gets it. And if the position is meant for me, then no amount of support I extend to someone else can interfere with what God has already ordained.

The truth is, I think many of us are not actually afraid of losing opportunities. We are afraid of believing there is enough for everyone.

A Heart Like Christ

As Christians, I think we sometimes become so focused on what not to do that we forget one of the most beautiful aspects of our faith is becoming more like Christ.

We focus on avoiding sin. Don’t lie. Don’t steal. Never commit this sin or that sin. And while those things matter, I don’t believe the Christian life is solely about avoiding wrongdoing. It is also about cultivating a heart that looks more like Jesus.

I am human. I will make mistakes. I will fall short. I will sin. But every day, I have another opportunity to choose generosity, compassion, to celebrate someone else’s blessing without fearing that it somehow delays my own.

When I reflect on my own life and all the opportunities I have been blessed to experience, yes, I attribute much of it to faith and hard work. But I also believe that part of my blessing has come from genuinely desiring to support God’s people.

Not just my family.

Not just my friends.

Not just my community.

God’s people.

All of them.

Because this world is far too large, and God is far too abundant, for us to believe that someone else’s success is our loss. There is enough room for all of us to become who we were created to be.

The only question is whether we truly believe it.

The Beauty in Learning

My desire to learn is greater than any desire to be perceived as intelligent. It does not make me uncomfortable to say “I don’t know”. I love being around people who make me “feel stupid” per se. And as long as I have breath in my lungs there is something for me to learn.

My mother told my brothers and I growing up if you’re the smartest person in your friend group you need new friends. Now this virtue wasn’t coming from a sense of the grades my friends and I were receiving on report cards, but better yet what are you learning from your peers.

I consider myself a culture enthusiast. I love God’s people. His creation is beautiful. And to be able to bask in new traditions, customs, languages, recipes, proverbs, styles, oh I could go on forever literally makes me smile from ear to ear. To have conversations with people from the other side of the world changes your perspective. To eat food with people that use spices you’ve never had changes your palate. And to dance to music in a different language in a different part of the world changes how you heal.

The Importance of Intellectual Humility

Perhaps that is why intellectual humility is so important. I believe a mistake people make is carrying a badge of “I know so much”. Because no matter how much you know there is always someone or something that knows more. I love saying to myself “you don’t know everything, and that’s ok”. When you go around the world with a pretentiousness that you know so much you end up leaving on the table knowing so much more. Eventually, that mindset becomes a hindrance. It may not directly be a hindrance because of a lack of knowledge but a hindrance in the relationships you could have had if you were willing to be open.

Intellectual humility is essential if you want to learn more. Interestingly, intellectual humility and confidence are not opposites. Many people who think highly of themselves are able to do so while still understanding the limits of their knowledge because they bask in metacognition. When people compliment one’s mind it’s often tied to their capability to look within. That’s what metacognition is, understanding your own thought process. And that is what intellectual humility does. It does not diminish what you already know; it simply makes you humble enough to realize you could know more.

Ego and a culture of overconfidence often contribute to one’s struggle with intellectual humility. I personally call it white boy confidence but psychology has coined the term overprecision. It occurs when someone becomes so certain that what they know is fact. And while this is great when you are having to pitch your company, it’s terrible when this is just how you operate in life. Ego and overconfidence will have you overprioritizing the appearance of being competent, intelligent, or wise rather than actually being that. Fortunately, the brain is built for growth.

How to Change Your Brain?

Get comfortable being around people who may not necessarily know more than you, but merely know different than you, can bring so much depth into your life. Our brains change over time. And how it changes is tied to our learning. Within our brains there are dendritic spines, where learning and memory occur. And when we learn we actually create new dendritic spines in our brains. When we are not learning and our brains are no longer being stimulated those same spines become weak and may even fade.

Learning is not just about gaining information, it literally affects what new creations can happen in our brain. One of my favorite words in the whole wide world is steward. Stewardship to be exact. And if you stay around and keep reading my work you’ll hear me discuss it quite a bit. Because I don’t just value stewardship, I live by it. It is important to be a good steward in all aspects of life. And being a good steward of this beautiful brain God blessed us with means cultivating a desire to learn. Not for a perception of intelligence but because your brain literally and figuratively continues to grow. I attend Social Dallas, and my pastor always ends the service saying “If you keep showing up, you keep growing up” and the same is true for learning. Pour into your beautiful mind and allow your desire to learn to be greater than any desire to be perceived as intelligent.

Is Marriage Right for This Season of Life?

Fewer young adults are getting married, having children, or even desiring either. I’ve seen some of my peers marry their high school sweetheart while others are juggling the idea of marriage at all. And while many look at marriage differently based on culture, religion, and even desirability. Marriage is becoming less common. And while the weddings are fabulous, the push presents are expensive, and a lot of these couples look absolutely stunning together…I began playing around with the question: should some of us be waiting for marriage?

I remember a year or so ago I was heavily into studying what it means to be a wife from a biblical aspect. Not because I felt as though I was going to or even wanted to get married anytime soon but because I’m infatuated with learning and being prepared. And while I’ve found ways to loosen my uptightness and readiness for a lot, marriage seems to be one of those things that is too serious to just wing.

I was of course immediately convicted by the plethora of scripture highlighting how terrible a quarrelsome wife is

Proverbs 19:13 “A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof”

Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”

Then Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife”

Like Jesus, I’ve heard, got it, I need to learn how to shut the heck up before I get married.

When Marriage and Purpose Compete for the Same Space

But in all seriousness I now had to play around with the fact if I even wanted to shut the heck up right now. I think there are seasons in everyone’s life where they should be unapologetic about every want, desire, and goal they have and go after it head first. Not carrying the responsibility of everyone else and definitely not something as sacred, covenantal as a spouse. We often hold selflessness in high regard. But sometimes it’s necessary for us to have a singular focus on our wants, desires, and ambitions. And marriage requires compromise to be selfless. While following your purpose sometimes takes concentration and the ability to disconnect from things that require too much time than you have the capacity to give. And when those two realities are competing for the same space, it’s worth asking whether you currently have the capacity to honor both well.

One of the more fascinating findings in relationship research is that marriage appears to benefit men’s longevity more than women’s. According to research published in SSM – Population Health and later summarized by Forbes, both married men and women tend to live longer than their unmarried counterparts. However, the gap is considerably larger for men. Women, on the other hand, often maintain similar life expectancy across marital statuses. This suggests that many of the health and longevity advantages associated with marriage may be less dependent on marital status for women than for men.

Findings like these have made me think about the assumptions we place around marriage, particularly for women. If marriage is a desire of yours, by all means pursue it. But perhaps the greater question isn’t whether marriage is good, but whether marriage is right for the season of life you’re currently in.

The Difference Between Wanting Marriage and Being Ready for It

There’s a couple of questions we should sit with before convincing ourselves that just because the desire is there, readiness is also. And readiness doesn’t always mean if you’re mature enough. Sometimes it’s about whether I have the time and or capacity to step into something that requires a level of selflessness that many of us simply don’t have. We often speak about marriage as though desire is the only prerequisite. If you want it, pursue it. If you find the right person, commit. But wanting something and being ready for the responsibilities attached to it are two entirely different conversations.

What are my current desires in life, and do they align with being a spouse?

Do I desire marriage in general or do I desire marriage in this current season of my life?

Why is marriage important to me?

And honorable mention for myself, do you want to shut the heck up in this season of life?

I believe marriage is a beautiful covenant. One I hope everyone who desires it gets the opportunity to experience. But perhaps the question isn’t simply whether we want marriage. Perhaps the question is whether we are in a season that can honor it. Because marriage asks for compromise, sacrifice, consideration. Marriage asks us to regularly place another person’s needs alongside our own. And while those are beautiful things, they are not small things.

So maybe for some of us, the conversation isn’t “Will I ever get married?” Maybe it’s “Am I willing to become the version of myself that marriage requires right now?”

For some, the answer is yes.

For others, the answer may simply be: not yet.

And perhaps that’s what it means to be waiting for marriage.

Because sometimes waiting is avoidance. But sometimes waiting is wisdom.

When Fear Sounds Logical

I’ve realized recently that self-doubt is rarely loud.

It doesn’t usually sound like:
“I’m scared.”
“I don’t believe in myself.”
“I’m afraid to fail.”

If anything, self-doubt often sounds responsible.

It sounds logical.
Practical.
Measured.
Realistic.

I noticed this during a conversation with a friend recently. They asked why I hadn’t started pursuing a business venture they believed I would be great at. What caught me off guard was not the question itself, but the fact that they saw me so clearly. Because the idea they mentioned was not random at all. It was something I had already imagined for myself years ago. Something I had researched, planned for, and quietly placed back on the shelf.

And immediately, I began explaining why I hadn’t done it.

I don’t have enough capital right now.
I have too many projects.
I’m focusing on writing.
You can’t do everything at once.

The interesting thing is that none of those statements were entirely false. That’s what makes self-doubt so difficult to identify. Fear is rarely irrational enough to announce itself honestly. It usually hides inside half-truths.

Because when I reflected on my own responses later, I realized something uncomfortable: I have handled far more demanding seasons of life before. Less than two years ago, I was working full-time, in graduate school full-time, and helping care for my parent battling cancer. So the issue was not whether I was capable of managing multiple responsibilities. I already had evidence that I could.

The Psychology Of Staying Small

What I was actually experiencing was the discomfort of expansion.

There is a psychological safety in staying attached to the version of yourself that is still “planning” instead of becoming. Planning protects you from exposure. Dreams are safe when they remain internal. The moment you fully pursue something, it becomes vulnerable to failure, rejection, criticism, comparison, and even success itself.

And I think many of us mistake that discomfort for logic.

We convince ourselves we are being rational when in reality we are self-protecting. And call it timing, strategy, waiting until things make more sense. But sometimes what we are really doing is trying to avoid the emotional risk that comes with wanting something deeply.

Life has a subtle way of teaching people to distrust themselves. Especially intelligent people, self-aware people, people who know how to analyze every possible outcome before making a move.

But over-analysis can become its own form of paralysis.

Dissecting Your Self-Doubt

At some point, creative expression requires a willingness to move before certainty arrives. To create before you feel fully validated. To pursue something before you have complete evidence that it will work.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it would mean to one day tell a child to follow their dreams fearlessly while knowing I abandoned some of my own out of fear disguised as practicality.

That thought has challenged me deeply.

So maybe the better question is not:
“Am I capable?”
But:
“Have I become comfortable doubting myself?”

Because self-doubt can become familiar. Familiarity feels safe. And safety can quietly become the reason we remain stagnant.

So dissect your excuses carefully.

Ask yourself whether your hesitation is truly rooted in logic or whether it is rooted in comfort. Because fear has a very sophisticated way of presenting itself as wisdom.

And sometimes growth requires us to stop negotiating with the version of ourselves that only feels secure when playing small.

I Can’t Read Her

I’ve spent a lot of time trying not to be figured out.

I’m quite good at it. Primarily because I’ve been doing it since I was a child. It’s not surprising that I went on to get a bachelor’s and master’s degree in psychology because I’ve been obsessed with statistics, human behavior, and outcomes since I was about eight years old.

There’s this interesting thing people say to me often. Well, not sure if it’s a compliment.

“I can’t read her.”

Fortunately for me, like everything I do in life, I look to be good at it, so I’m glad this has been working in my favor.

But I think people misunderstand what unreadable actually means.

Being “hard to read” is often romanticized as mystery, emotional intelligence, confidence, power even. But I think for many people, unreadability is not confidence. It’s hypervigilance.

It’s years of studying people before they can study you.

Years of learning how to emotionally shape-shift depending on the room. Years of controlling perception because somewhere along the way your brain decided being fully seen was dangerous.

And trauma doesn’t always make people emotional.

Sometimes it makes them strategic.

You learn how to read tone shifts. Facial expressions. Body language. Energy. Outcomes. You become observant because observance feels safer than vulnerability.

Psychology often refers to this as hypervigilance, a heightened state of awareness commonly developed after emotional instability, trauma, shame, rejection, or fear. Your nervous system essentially learns to stay prepared. Prepared to be misunderstood. Judged. Abandoned. Humiliated.

The Performance

So instead of relaxing into yourself, you perform safety.

Even though I was not raised by someone who made me feel like vulnerability or emotions were weaknesses, in my child brain they were. Then in my teenage brain they were. And honestly, even after five years of studying psychology, part of me still believed they were.

Because one thing I knew from a very young age was that I wanted to be the opposite of anything negative projected onto my life because of the trauma, shame, or fear I carried.

And shame has a way of making you edit yourself before others can.

I’m not sure where it came from exactly, but for years I lied about my relationship with my father. Primarily to men. Because unfortunately, I did have the stereotypical absentee African American dad.

And I never wanted to be put into a box or assigned characteristics I probably didn’t even possess because of that stereotype. So I lied because I was afraid of perception.

Afraid people would hear one detail about my life and suddenly decide they understood me.

Psychology calls this stereotype threat, the fear of being reduced to a stereotype so intensely that it changes behavior, identity presentation, and even self-perception.

And I think many people spend their lives performing against assumptions.

The girl who becomes overly accomplished because she never wants to appear weak.
The man who never cries because he thinks softness makes him unsafe.
Our funny friend masking depression.
The hyper-independent person who secretly fears relying on anyone.
The person everyone calls “mysterious” simply because they mastered emotional concealment.

Some of us became emotionally intelligent not because we were healthy, but because we had to survive emotionally unpredictable environments.

The Difference

And honestly, I’ve grown tired of performing myself. Giving people polished versions of my humanity. I think healing requires a certain level of honesty with yourself first. You have to ask:

Who am I without the performance?
Without image management?
Without the emotional armor?

Because eventually, unreadability becomes loneliness.

And while hypervigilance may protect you from being hurt, it can also keep you from being loved properly.

Fortunately for me, I turned 25 back in December and supposedly my frontal lobe developed. And honestly? I can tell the difference. I thought the online discourse around this was exaggerated, but I genuinely care a lot less now.

Less about perception, appearing perfect or controlling how people interpret my story.

Because maybe healing is realizing that people misunderstanding you is not the worst thing in the world.

Maybe the worst thing is never allowing yourself to be fully seen at all.

Put It In A Book

I grew up reading only when it was necessary.

I was raised in a household where an A was an A, a B was basically a C, and anything after that was failing. Report cards were transactional: $20 for A’s, $10 for B’s, and nothing for anything lower. So I did what most kids do, I performed well enough to stay in good graces. I was an A honor-roll student with the occasional B here and there, well-behaved, mannerable, and deemed the responsible child.

And responsibility came with freedom.

During the summers, my mother made my siblings and me read a book and write a report before school started again. And because I was a clever young lady, I found loopholes, I’d write a play instead. (Yes, I’ve loved writing for as long as I’ve been able to hold a pen.) My mother never forced education down our throats in a cruel way, but she also wasn’t raising idiots. We were expected to make something of ourselves.

So I Did Just Enough

And that’s the problem with doing just enough, eventually, that’s all you ever become. One summer, definitely before I became a teenager, though I can’t remember the exact age, I decided I wanted more. The rewards I was getting weren’t enough anymore. I wanted to feel deserving of more, so for once, I chose a book myself.

I went to wherever my mother kept her books and picked one related to African American history. The title, I don’t remember, or how long it took me to read, but I remember one line clearly:

“If you want to hide anything from a Negro, put it in a book.”

I was offended. Angry. Confused. What do you mean? Are you trying to say Black people don’t read? I read.

But life has a way of softening offense into understanding. That quote isn’t a fact. A commentary on access, deprivation, and survival. Historically, enslaved Black people were legally forbidden from learning to read. Literacy was seen as dangerous because it led to autonomy, rebellion, and freedom. Even after emancipation, systemic barriers, underfunded schools, labor demands, survival priorities, kept reading from becoming a cultural luxury for many.

So no, Black people don’t lack intelligence.
We were denied access to information.

Reading Out Of Spite

Being the “I refuse to be a statistic” young lady that I was, I started reading beyond what teachers assigned. But the problem with doing something out of spite is that spite has an expiration date.

By the next summer, I was back to writing plays and songs and forgot all about my rebellious reading phase. And for years after that, the same routine continued. Honestly, up until a few years ago, I only read what I needed to.

Yes, I graduated undergrad in three years.
Yes, I graduated summa cum laude.

And yes, I went on to get my Masters
But I did it mostly without reading beyond my textbooks.

Which only gave me more ammunition to believe I was safe.

But, something changed.

I decided to read the entire Bible in a year three years ago, along with three other books. And what startled me wasn’t just the spiritual depth, but how much information, history, psychology, and context I had been missing by limiting myself to what was required.

Then I read the Bible again and four additional books.
And this year I’m reading the Bible for the third time and doubling the number of books from the year before.

Because I finally understood something:

Reading doesn’t just give you knowledge.
It gives you perspective.

Research supports this too. Studies in cognitive psychology show that reading, especially narrative and historical texts, increases empathy, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence. Reading quite literally rewires how we process the world. And I felt it happening. Some days, I read more than I write. And it’s beautiful to witness the evolution of a young Black girl who once picked up books only because she was told to, now reading for pleasure, understanding, and growth.

Why Reading Is Imperative

Growth isn’t just about becoming financially literate, spiritually aligned, or more responsible.

It’s also about expanding your knowledge so you can expand your perspective. Because when you see things differently, you heal differently. You respond differently. You choose differently.

And sometimes, all it takes is opening a book and allowing yourself to explore a new what if.

If books once felt hidden from us, inaccessible, or unnecessary, maybe that’s exactly why we should reach for them now. Not to prove a point. Not out of spite. But because knowledge expands possibility.

And sometimes, freedom starts with a page.

To Be One With Words​

I published a book of poems back in 2022. I was 21 and fed up with my own excuses.

I kept telling myself I’d follow my dreams once I had a “good job” to support me. Because if you’ve ever met me, you know I love artistry, but being a struggling artist? That’s not for me.

So I did what made sense.

I posted blogs whenever I felt like it and eventually quietly let that version of myself fade. I went over a year without writing a single blog post. I thought I’ll pour into something else. But little did I know writing was my foundation. It gives me energy to do the twelve million other things I’m interested in. So this year I’ve been posting a blog post every week. The most consistent I’ve ever been with writing.

And it’s been fun.
Writing every week gives me a structure I actually enjoy. It feels a little like school, the kind of discipline I thrive in.

But the more I write blogs, the less I write poems.

And I sat with myself today and realized; I think I forgot I’m a poet.

Remembering Poetry

I love poetry.

I used to rap when I was younger. It was fun. I need to get back into it.

But I get bogged down by my twelve million interests. It’s hard to focus on just one thing. So lately, I’ve been trying to commit, be consistent with one thing before adding more to my plate.

But poetry?

That’s not “more.” That’s the foundation. That’s me.

I love wordplay. Rhyme. Storytelling.

It’s beautiful.
It’s art.

So while the weekly blog posts will continue, I have to start making space for poetry again.

Because that’s where I started.

And in honor of me remembering I’m a poet here’s my latest poem…

Return Me As Art

I find it hard not to believe in Art
Art is something that makes a broken heart whole
You envision a vision that isn’t even clear but yet you can articulate the exact details through the way it makes you feel
When you look at Art it’s the remembrance of how God is real
Cause how can clay, paint, textiles, a voice give you sudden chills
If I died today I would want to come back as Art rather that be words, a song, a painting, a sculpture, a fabric, a hairstyle, oh to be Art
To look, breathe and feel the embodiment of expression as if I had some sort of spiritual connection with the maker
But I do
To be an artist is to be one of Gods called ones
But to be an artist who sells their talents is to be one of Gods chosen ones
To be human
To be alive
To have breathe in your lungs
Is to be art
To be an artist
To be one
To be the image of God
God is art
Art is God
If I died today
And for whatever reason I get to rise again
Return me as art
Return me as the many images of God

Jordan Alexis

So this is me remembering.

I’m a writer, yes.
But I’m a poet first.

And I don’t want to lose her in the process of becoming everything else.

We Enter God’s Name To Fool Our Own Perception

The mere sound of your voice used to bring the biggest smile to my face

And now I avoid it so that tears will not fall from the same eyes that used to get lost in your gaze

Something told me before this was a God thing,

And I’m starting to believe maybe it wasn’t God, but my flesh.

Psychology says our brains create false narratives that feel real due to internal biases, and emotions

Maybe I felt as though because I was being “a good Christian” “a good man” was now God’s gift to me

But maybe that gift was wrapped and signed by myself

And I entered God’s name to fool my own perception

Kind of like how my mother used to forge my father’s names on my Christmas presents

Intelligence will have us playing God

Creating “blessings” He never ordain

So when you ask me if I still love you

If I was to tell the truth about me and you

Love is escaping…

Jordan Alexis

But We Want Love To Be Present

I think one of the hardest things to admit is that sometimes we confuse what we want with what God said.

We hear preachers do it every Sunday to fill offering plates. Feeding us prophetic messages to make us feel alive. Like yes, because me saying I’m Christian and attending this beautiful church is enough to bring millions into my account tonight.

Now, every preacher does not preach false prophecy messages. Just like every love we felt was not necessarily untrue. But sometimes we must pose the question: was this love illustrated by God or by you?

Sometimes we just want to feel something. And when that feeling finally comes, we make someone fit into a picture we painted ourselves.

Psychology calls it confirmation bias, the tendency to interpret things in ways that confirm what we already desire to be true.

So when they say I love you, it’s easy to believe, because we made up our mind that this person is the one God sent to me.

Limerence is an obsession disguised as love. An infatuation. Limerence feels good in theory. But it’s not true love. It’s actually a state of mind many go through when love is escaping. Because how can someone you already made up in your mind you were spending eternity with pull away. This is our fate. We will make it.

But limerence isn’t love. It’s an illusion. A state of mind that cannot release the idea of being consumed. And while it might sound crazy in theory some of the most sane people go crazy for the sake of “love”. They say “love” makes you do crazy things. But in all honesty when you have to sit with yourself, the things you gave up, compromised, neglected, acted out of character, when you can no longer recognize the man in the mirror you should flee.

Love Is Escaping

Why?

Because love is escaping

And for whatever reason we rather hold on tight

Suffocate our life

Than to face the reality that we tattooed the wrong name on our heart

And while the removal is hard

Sometimes we must listen to the bells ring

The birds chirp

The songstress sing

And most importantly look ourselves in the mirror

And confess

Love Is Escaping…

“I’m just a hot head.”
“I’m sensitive and they need to just understand that.”
“It’s not my fault I’m nonchalant, I’m just chilling.”

And the examples… well more like excuses… can continue for a long time due to the fact that lack of emotional regulation has become normalized, or even synthesized into regular human behavior, when in all actuality, it’s not.

Emotions are normal. Every last one of them. Joy, anger, sadness, anxiety, stress, hell, even jealousy, that so many people pretend they don’t harbor. But how we choose to respond, or better yet regulate said emotions, is key.

Psychologists define emotional regulation as the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in healthy and productive ways. Not suppress, explode, avoid, or mismanage. And studies have consistently linked poor emotional regulation to increased anxiety, depression, relationship conflict, substance abuse, and even physical health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease.

Let’s start with anger.

Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger is a common emotion, all too common for many. It has long been linked to heart disease, chronic stress, high blood pressure, and other negative health outcomes when it is constantly present in one’s life. According to the American Psychological Association, chronic anger can even weaken your immune system over time.

But outside of the negative physical outcomes, on a more conversational level, it’s absolutely embarrassing.

Being a hot head is embarrassing. Being so easily angered and provoked that you cause scenes in public, make others feel intimidated, small, inferior, it’s disgusting. But for whatever reason, people have found a way to make this okay if they can justify why they were brought to said anger.

But as I’ve written before, one can be right but not justified.

Emotional Dysregulation

The same can be said for being overly sensitive or nonchalant.

Being overly sensitive can, a lot of times, lead to constant overreactions. You feel triggered, unheard, unappreciated, taken advantage of, and because you feel so deeply, you respond so intensely, and that is not okay.

Now, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with feeling deeply, being more sensitive, or carrying more empathy than the average Joe. In fact, empathy is a beautiful thing. But your depth of emotion does not excuse erratic or impulsive behavior simply because people should understand “you’re sensitive.”

Your feelings are valid. They deserve to be expressed appropriately. But it is not for you to burden others with your lack of emotional regulation just because you feel deeply.

And even underreacting can be a sign that you do not know how to properly regulate your emotions.

Shutting down. Avoidance. Letting everything “roll off your shoulders.” Constantly pretending you don’t care. That isn’t always emotional maturity. Sometimes it’s emotional suppression.

Now yes, there are definitely situations and people that do not deserve your energy or a response. But if avoidance is your response to everything, you might want to ask yourself: Why am I afraid to express my emotions?

Because you deserve to let things out, communicate, and process what hurts you instead of quietly carrying it until it turns into resentment, numbness, or emotional detachment.

Ignoring emotions does not make them disappear. So how the heck do you regulate your emotions?

Here Are Five Tips To Start

Identify Your True Emotion

A lot of people think they’re angry when they’re actually embarrassed. Or hurt, rejected, even disappointed. Anger is often a secondary emotion. Meaning something else triggered it first. So before reacting, ask yourself what you’re actually feeling.

Because “I’m angry” and “I feel abandoned” require two very different responses.

Wait To Respond

Did you know most emotions physiologically last about 90 seconds unless we continue feeding them with our thoughts? Meaning that sudden urge to react does not need to control you.

It’s okay to pause, breathe, step away, and collect yourself before speaking.

Self-Reflect

You have to start asking yourself hard questions.

Why does this trigger me so deeply?
Or why do I feel the need to raise my voice to feel heard?
Why do I shut down anytime conflict arises?
Why do I constantly assume the worst?

A lot of emotional reactions are learned behaviors. Childhood environments, trauma, unhealthy relationships, insecurity, fear of abandonment, all of these things shape how we respond emotionally. You cannot regulate emotions you refuse to acknowledge.

Learn How To Communicate Your Emotions Properly

A lot of people think emotional regulation means becoming emotionless. It doesn’t. It means learning how to express yourself without exploding, manipulating, shutting down, or becoming passive aggressive.

There is a huge difference between saying:
“You never listen to me!”

And saying:
“I felt dismissed when you interrupted me.”

One escalates conflict. The other creates room for understanding.

Healthy communication is emotional maturity.

Try Therapy

Therapy can help you identify emotional patterns you don’t even realize you have. Defense mechanisms. Triggers. Attachment styles. Communication habits. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, therapy has been shown to significantly improve emotional regulation, stress management, and interpersonal relationships.

Emotional Regulation

At the end of the day, emotional regulation is not about becoming perfect. You are still going to get angry, cry, and feel deeply. You’re human. But being human is not an excuse to emotionally terrorize everyone around you. And honestly, one of the most attractive things a person can possess is emotional stability. The ability to pause. To communicate. To process emotions without making everyone else bleed because you’re hurting.

That’s maturity.

That’s growth.

There’s a kind of pressure that comes with feeling far from God. To grow, be better, and become who you believe you’re supposed to be.

I didn’t realize how much of my life was shaped by that. I wrote a series, I believe about two or three years ago, titled Escaping Purgatory. It was raw, personal, honest, and one of my favorite pieces I’ve written. Not because it’s my best work, it’s not, but because for the first time, I shared confidently that I wasn’t perfect.

I’ve struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember, and I know I’m not the only one. And no matter how much I learn, grow, and try to stop caring, that little voice telling me I must be perfect remains.

Fortunately, it’s gotten a lot quieter.

But I would be lying if I said it ever fully went away.

Over two years ago now, I made the decision to get baptized as an adult. I was ready to have my own relationship with God, outside of just being raised Christian. And like a lot of people stepping into their faith for themselves, I put way too much pressure on myself. And unfortunately, the church I got baptized at didn’t help. It reinforced this idea that I needed to be a perfect Christian.

But Something Still Felt Off

So I tried.

I stopped listening to secular music entirely. Distanced myself from most of my friends at that time. Nightlife no longer felt like an option. You could find me in church practically every Sunday. I joined the choir. I began reading the Bible every day and stopped using curse words. And about 12 million other things that all aligned with what I thought the “good Christian” looked like.

Because when you’re trying to get it right, you start building a version of yourself you think God will approve of. And to be fair, even though I don’t fully agree with how I began this journey, giving my life to God as an adult was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I grew.
Loved deeper.
And became more confident, more fearless.

My anxiety didn’t go away entirely, but it lessened in ways I can’t even fully articulate. And my joy? Out of this world. I got through life trials that I truly don’t think I would have survived without God. And most importantly, I found myself, my true self… or at least the foundation of her.

And now I’m in year three of reading the entire Bible in a year.
My daily scripture streak is 520+ days.
I’ve been blessed mentally, spiritually, and financially.

And this is the happiest I’ve felt as an adult.

The Harder Truth When You’re Feeling Far From God

But somehow…I still feel like the biggest sinner.

And at times, feeling far from God without understanding why.

I started to beat myself up. Maybe it’s because I started listening to secular music again. Or because I go out every now and then. Maybe it’s the clothes I wear. Or it’s because, even after three years, I still spell out my curse words instead of eliminating them completely. Or it’s because if I don’t feel like going to church, I just watch online.

And then I had to sit with a harder truth.

Maybe it’s not the music.
Or the nights out.
Or my tight clothes.

Maybe it’s me.

Or maybe it’s the way we start to internalize perfection without even realizing it.

Not because I’m doing everything wrong. But because I’m still trying to earn something that was never meant to be earned. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that God’s love was conditional. And I think a lot of us do that without even realizing it.

That if I just did enough right things, said enough right prayers, cut off enough “worldly” habits, then I would finally feel close to Him.

But the truth is…I’ve never been further from God than when I was trying to be perfect for Him.

What Being “Lost At Sea” Really Is

And maybe that’s what being “lost at sea” really feels like. Not that God moved. But I drifted into this idea that I had to become someone else to stay in His presence.

When in reality…

I was already covered.

Already chosen.
Already loved.

Even in my inconsistency, contradictions and the parts of me I’m still trying to figure out.

So maybe even in the moments I’m feeling far from God.

Maybe I’m just learning that closeness to Him was never about perfection in the first place.

And if I’m being honest…

I think I’m finally learning that grace was never something I had to earn, just something I had to accept.

The Dream Girl Cycle

“She’s perfect for me. She’s smart, beautiful, ambitious, supportive, loving, selfless.
Oh my God, Brad… she’s perfect. She’s my dream girl.”

Okay, a little rom-com coded. Not even sure men actually talk like that, lol, but follow me.

I’m not your dream girl.
She’s not your dream girl.
We aren’t your dream girl.

Why?

Because for starters, this is reality. Not a dream, rom-com, or illustrious fantasy. And most importantly, she’s not perfect. It is impossible for anyone to live up to the standards of your “dream girl.” And truthfully, sometimes your idea of a dream girl is often shaped by cultural bias, unrealistic expectations, and sometimes blatant misogyny and sexism. An illustration every woman will fall short of.

And when you’re chasing a “dream girl” you’re not actually seeing the woman in front of you.

There’s a pattern.

New girl.
New energy.
“She’s different.”
“She’s my dream girl.”

And then interest fades.

And it’s easy to say “something is missing”. But psychologically, a lot of attraction is tied to novelty and dopamine. Research shows that early-stage attraction is driven by excitement and reward-seeking, not long-term compatibility. So when that feeling wears off, you think she just wasn’t the one. When really it was never built on anything that could last.

Pick Me’s And The Illusion of Being Chosen

Confident women hate “pick-me’s.” Like… truly.

Because a lot of times, the women who bend, perform, and shape-shift to be chosen end up unpicked. Not because they aren’t worthy of partnership. But because the idea of a “dream girl” is a moving target. No amount of pilates, degrees, religion, cooking, or sex will make a man choose you.

And that’s hard to hear for the women who make their life about being someone’s “dream girl”.

But choosing has very little to do with perfection and everything to do with alignment, readiness, and emotional maturity. A lot of men who lead with money, status, ambition, or potential also create an illusion of this “dream girl.” But the truth is that girl doesn’t exist.

And the men who haven’t done the internal work can’t tell the difference between: lust and love, attention and connection, validation and compatibility.

So they chase what looks good, invest quickly, get attached to the idea and then realize they never actually knew her.

Mere physical attraction will have men jumping through hurdles just to get close, just to get validation.

And don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s not that deep. Please continue to allow women to bask in the luxury of pretty privilege because in the wise words of Sexyy Red, sometimes “he just wants to hang with a bad bih.”

So cool.

But when you’re looking for a committed relationship and using attraction as your main metric of compatibility that’s where things get warped. Because beauty without character, and attention without intention will always fall apart. You start reaching for her accomplishments to justify a connection that isn’t really there. Because love requires more than that. It’s more than sparks. More than chemistry.

The Part No One Wants to Say Out Loud

So don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is a “dream girl” for you. But if you have a new dream girl every month, week, or every two to three business days it might be time to pause.

Because at some point it’s not the women.

Too many people are love bombing. Creating emotional highs they can’t sustain. And then disappearing when reality sets in. Leaving behind confusion, hurt, and another woman questioning herself.

And the truth is; we can’t all be “crazy.”

But what we can be is cast into roles we never agreed to play. Because when you’re searching for a “dream girl,” you’re not meeting a woman, you’re assigning her meaning.

You’re measuring her against a version of perfection that was never rooted in reality, only in desire. And desire is fickle.

It rises quickly,
attaches loosely,
and disappears the moment it is no longer fed.

So what you call “losing interest” is often just the collapse of projection. The moment she stops being who you imagined and becomes who she is. And for the first time, you’re faced with the responsibility of seeing her without the illusion.

And maybe that’s the real issue, that reality has never been as exciting as the fantasy you created. Because a “dream girl” can only exist in a state where she is never fully known.

The Balance No One Talks About

I was raised in both “D-towns”; Detroit and Dallas. And I like to joke that I got my hustle from Detroit, and my southern charm and style from Dallas. But what I don’t talk about enough is how much I love hood-ish.

Not hood rat ish…
but hood ish.

Follow me, please lol.

There has to be balance in everything. And depending on how or where you meet me, it would absolutely surprise you that as much as I listen to Jordan G. Welch, Charles Aznavour, and Burna Boy… I also listen to some of the most ghetto rappers known to man. Because sometimes I don’t want to be conscious. Sometimes I just want to drive with one hand, my seat leaned back, and say, “I might go to Texas, hit up Johnny, get my teeth hard…”

The “Right Way” to Be Black

Cause here’s the thing. In America, they make you feel like there’s a “right way to be Black.” And with the media constantly pushing some of the most ignorant, sexualized, violent, and uneducated portrayals of Black Americans, it creates this pressure to perform as “one of the good ones” at all times.

We articulate. Over-articulate.
Move to the city or the suburbs.
Get disgustingly educated.
Attend the opera. The ballet.

Summer in Europe.
And take up pilates, tennis, golf, wine tastings, art galleries, investment portfolios, real estate ventures, tech careers…

And don’t get me wrong, none of that is wrong. In fact, it’s beautiful. Because it’s not about “assimilating to whiteness” like people love to say. It’s about exposure. It’s about finally having access to more and allowing ourselves to experience that more.

But even with all of that, the degrees, vacations, careers, businesses…sometimes I still want a good hood-ish night out. A night where I’m with my hood cousins or friends…laughing as loud as we want. Half of them smoking big blunts and passing it to me knowing I don’t smoke. In a section somewhere screaming Finesse2Tymes at the top of my lungs and whining my hips the second Megan or Afrobeats comes on.

Ending up at an after-hours I didn’t plan to go to…
being forced to take shots I didn’t ask for…

and somehow finishing the night at Waffle House, the same place I act too bougie to go to and claim I hate…Because let’s be real a girl can only eat Whataburger so many times.

It Was Never Hood, It Was Joy

And the funniest part about all of this? The same people I’m having those nights with

are educated.
homeowners.
entrepreneurs.
high earners.

The same people that can get dopeboy fresh for the club on a Friday night can put on a suit Saturday morning and walk into a room and execute flawlessly. And that made me stop and think; Have I allowed America’s negative connotations of Black culture to shape how I label these experiences? Because sure, for the sake of fitting language, I’ll say I love “hood-ish.”

But if you really ask me? I think I just love Black joy.

All of it.

The polished, professional, creative, loud, carefree, streetwear, big jewelry, long nails, hood music, the insane energy.

Because sometimes we’re not sad. We’ve just spent entirely too much time being composed. Too much time being polished. Too much time being the version of ourselves the world is most comfortable with.

And sometimes…

you just need to put on a fly fit, scream some good lyrics, laugh from your belly as loud as you need to, and end your night at a diner where the cook takes a smoke break every five minutes.

“I’m not political.”
“Gas is so high.”
“I don’t watch the news; it’s too depressing.”

We say things like this so casually. And to an extent, I get it. I stopped watching the news years ago. I’m an overly sensitive person, and the news is heavy. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that being educated is not just about what you studied in university, knowing geography, being cultured across different nationalities, or reading for pleasure.

But it’s also about being informed and staying informed about what is happening in the world around you. Not just in your city. Not just in your country. Because while we’re choosing not to engage, the rest of the world is still living through it.

“A whole civilization will die tonight.” A tweet coming from a sitting president.

And the reality is, for some people, that doesn’t sound dramatic. It sounds like a possibility. So while I had a general understanding of what was happening in Iran and Israel, I knew it wasn’t enough. A surface-level awareness felt irresponsible.

It became imperative for me to take my sensitive self and actually do a deep dive into what is happening.

The Reality Behind The Screen

This isn’t just “conflict.” This is the reality of war.

Recent escalations between the United States, Israel, and Iran have led to widespread destruction, airstrikes, and retaliation across the region. Civilians are being displaced. Families are being separated. Lives are being lost. And while headlines try to summarize it in a few sentences, the reality is far more devastating than anything we can fully grasp from a screen.

Because these aren’t just numbers.
These are people.
These are children.

I watched the videos I usually avoid.
I listened to the cries of people who were afraid.

And my heart broke.

But like many of us, I watched it all from a place of privilege.
From a small screen.
From the safety of my phone.

Not with my own eyes.
Not with the sound of sirens around me.
And not with death at my front door.

When It Becomes More Than Politics

When innocent people are dying, especially children, it should never be reduced to strategy, power, or politics. There is nothing strategic about a child losing their life. There is nothing justifiable about fear becoming someone’s daily reality.

And as someone who believes in God; I struggle with how easily violence can be defended in the name of protection, control, or even “greater good.” Because no matter how it’s explained, no matter how it’s justified, killing innocent people will never feel aligned with anything Christ-like.

And maybe that’s the tension.

Because what do you do when the reality of war becomes this heavy?

You can’t unsee it.
You can’t unknow it.

But you also can’t carry the weight of the entire world. So maybe the answer isn’t to have all the right opinions. Maybe it’s not about having the most informed political stance.

Maybe it starts with simply choosing not to look away. To care, acknowledge, and sit with the reality that this is happening to real people in real time. Because these aren’t just headlines. This is someone’s life.

I don’t have all the answers.

But I do know this; there are children crying, not because they’re hungry, but because death is at their front door.

And I can’t help but ask myself…What does it say about us that this is the reality of war that we can so easily scroll past?