Forgive myself for choices I had made in my life. Forgive myself for staying when I knew I should have left, forgive myself for not “learning my lesson” sooner, forgive myself for dating a guy who wasn’t showing up for me in ways I needed. In time, I learned that I don’t need to forgive myself, necessarily. I just needed to give myself grace, understanding, and love. We don’t constantly need to forgive ourselves - we only need to understand that we’re human and these are all lessons we’re learning along the way. We didn’t do anything wrong. We were just… learning. Evolving. Gaining clarity. If you feel that you want to formally forgive yourself, please, by all means, do that. This is your journey and you get to make it what you want. But let’s give ourselves the compassion to know that we didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes what we think are mistakes become our biggest lessons that lead us to our biggest blessings.

Give yourself the grace to know that not everything you perceive as a bad choice needs to be forgiven. Thank yourself for learning from that experience and choosing you. Thank yourself for getting through those tough times with self-empathy. Give yourself kindness and sweetness and all the cutesy feels you’d give to a sweet little puppy dog. Now that you owe yourself as a beautiful act of self-love.

Additionally, it is my belief that we don’t need to forgive anyone else in order to heal either. You don’t have to forgive the person who mistreated you. All the books I was reading during my time of healing told me that I needed to forgive them in order to heal and that doing so was for me and not them.

However, I respectfully disagree. So often people throw out a performative “I forgive them” because we’ve always been told that forgiveness is the right and necessary thing to do. But I’m here to tell you that it is not required if you don’t want to. I remember feeling so frustrated because I didn’t have any desire to forgive them. Even after the feelings of anger and resentment were long gone, I still had no desire to say that I forgave someone who had wronged me. The forgiveness ceremony meant nothing to me. Saying the words “I forgive you” doesn’t flip a switch to not feeling the pain of what we’re going through. In fact, it can sometimes add pressure to us because we’ve said that we’ve forgiven them but the feelings of anger and/or hurt are still there. The only thing we have to do in order to heal from the pain others have inflicted upon us is to release that anger and malice towards them. Setting it free from our bodies, minds, and spirits. When we’re ready to.

There are people in my life who have wronged me and I have never, nor will I ever, forgive them. I no longer have a charged reaction in my body when I think about them, I don’t ruminate on the shit they did to me, and I don’t daydream about them getting hit by the Bookmobile. I feel nothing. And I also don’t forgive them. And this is okay. I wish more people would normalize choosing not to forgive. Especially saying that we do just because we’ve always been told it’s the “right thing to do”.

The opposite of hate isn’t love, it’s indifference. To recap:

Your only responsibility is to learn to let go of the pain they caused you - and you can take your sweet ass time doing that, by the way. You can wholly heal from a hurt or trauma without forgiving the other person. I have let go of bitterness (and, yes, that letting go of bitterness part is for me) but I don’t owe them, or anyone, forgiveness. The only person I owe anything to is me by setting myself free from the pain they caused and I’ll work on doing that until it is fully ready to leave my body.

Lastly, if someone in your life is requesting or requiring you to forgive them when you don’t want to, well that’s a journey they need to examine on why it’s so important to them. Chances are it’s probably self-serving and has actually nothing to do with you. Appeasing their guilty conscience, or whatever it may be, is not your responsibility.

Normalize not forgiving if that is not something you’re moved to do. It’s perfectly fine. As long as there’s no lingering anger and hostility crusting up your precious, adorable, sweet heart. Set the pain free when you are able to and keep it moving knowing that everything you’re doing is truly authentic to who you are.

The show was created by Susan Harris who is a prolific television show creator, writer, producer, feminist, and advocate. She created shows such as Soap, Benson, and Empty Nest, and she wrote for many other shows like All in the Family, Love, American Style, and The Partridge Family

She pushed boundaries with her story telling and gave characters voices who may have otherwise not been included. For instance, Billy Crystal playing a gay character on Soap. An openly gay character! On prime time TV! That was Susan Harris’ doing.

She wrote the two part abortion episodes on Maude which aired in late 1972, just months before The Supreme Court had decided in favor of Roe v. Wade. To portray a woman having to make such an intense and personal decision, and deciding to do what so many people seemingly frowned upon, was a very progressive take. The abortion storyline was originally written for Maude’s 27-year-old daughter but it was eventually decided to re-write it for a 47-year-old grandmother, Maude. Susan Harris challenged people to consider that abortion isn’t just an issue for young women - women of all ages are affected by unexpected pregnancies.

She continued her mission of writing characters in a different light than what society had written for them. With The Golden Girls, she created four women with vastly different personalities but living lives that hadn’t been portrayed before for “women of a certain age”. Four single, independent, women who were living very fulfilling lives. These women were dating, having sex, they were involved with their community, and politics. They even had an anti-Trump joke in one of their episodes. (Everyone who’s anyone has always known what a garbage person he is.)

The Golden Girls addressed many issues such as sex, menopause, falling in love later in life, ageism, sex, loneliness, unemployment, HIV/AIDS, homosexuality and marriage equality, sex, women not being taken seriously by doctors, being married to a yutz, interracial marriage, sex… the list goes on. I even learned what cognitive dissonance is because of this show, for chrissake!

To see women in their 50s, and beyond, who were being portrayed in a way where so many parts of their lives were just beginning really stuck with me. I’ve seen women in my life panic as their age creeps upwards, but I have never felt that way. Yes, I do lament about the things I want to do while I am able to - become a published author, travel, fall in love again… but I have never felt a panic about my age or lost hope in accomplishing any of these things. I can’t help but think that the beautiful way in which Susan Harris dreamed up Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, and the incredible lives they lived on screen, had an influence on me to believe that there was so much more in store for me as I aged.

The Golden Girls has sort of been a North Star in my life and what a gift it is for me to have this show, its humor, and its lessons while living in this timeline. The Golden Girls is more than a sitcom. This show is a trailblazing portrayal of women who are truly living at a time when society often tells us we’re hitting our expiration date. I am grateful for the imagination and fierce conviction of Susan Harris. Her refusal to compromise on the stories of women and the belief that it was time to see them portrayed as strong, resilient, wise, witty, and desirable will never be lost on me.

So, for the next time I bust out a GG quote during a conversation about the Palestinian Liberation Organization, I hope people will see me as more of a… womens’ historian… than an annoying GG stan.

Thank you for being a friend and reading this. xo

I’ve been on the apps now for 3 months which is the longest stint that I’ve had in probably a decade. Here’s a little wrap up thus far:

• Tried 4 (four) different apps

• Went on 8 physical dates with 3 different people

• One first date

• Another, two dates

• A third, 5 dates

• Blocked and unmatched with more men than I could ever remember

• Was sexually harassed and objectified by more men than I could ever remember

• Seen more pics of naked torsos, dick prints, and man boobs that I have ever cared to see (I will forever argue about why men get to walk around, big tits out, but I can’t! Do you think I like pasty boobs in the summer??)

Other honorable mentions:

• Came across one guy who’s profile name was the STD that he has and most of what he wrote about in his profile was about the fact that he has an STD. But he also likes to hike.

• Guy with a confederate flag tattoo’s profile says his “daily routine isn’t complete without a monster energy drink”. That tracks.

• Lots of homo and trans phobia. Lots of misogyny. Oodles of delusion and audacity.

• Keith “would love to go down on” me. Flattering but think I’ll pass.

• Joey says “I’m not a boy I’m a man if thats what you’re looking for come correct” (all hyphenation and punctuation - or lack thereof - are represented in this quote.)

• Guy with profile name GreatestKisser claims that his secret talent is that he is the greatest kisser alive. There’s one secret I’m not nosy enough to find out. (And I’m extremely nosy.)

• Jay says he’s “Just a guy with a face worth sitting on”. But he also likes to hike.

I could keep going but these are the top of mind. It’s just intensely exhausting. Especially since men aren’t good looking or interesting enough to act the way they do.

I did meet a guy recently that I liked a lot. We went on 5 dates in 8 days and we had really good intellectual and physical chemistry. I find most guys to be boring, ugly and lacking in… general panache. But this guy checked a lot of my boxes. He made effort, he planned dates, he was responsive, affectionate, and kind. He did have a problematic pair of HeyDudes but promised to not wear them around me.

However, at some point, communication just sort of fell off on his end. We went from texting fairly regularly to his texts being more one sided, short answers, not responding for hours, not soliciting anything from me like asking how my day is going, etc. I’m pretty damn laid back and I don’t require a whole lot but we all want to feel like the person we’re interested in is also interested in us - consistently. I’m a good reader of energy and patterns and feel safest when I know where I stand. So, because I don’t fear or avoid communication, I just came right out and asked him if something was going on.

Ultimately, we had a very adult text conversation about things he’s got going on in his life and how he doesn’t have the space for a relationship. I think we could have made something work if he was willing but he obviously wasn’t interested (not that I suggested) and that’s totally fine. I got the clarity that I needed and my “wtf is going on” anxiety quelled as soon as I had my answer. Even though I was bummed out (see the aforementioned most guys are boring and ugly), I don’t force anything. Especially if it involves another person. However, one thing that I do appreciate is knowing that there are the rare normal-ish guys out there that I will occasionally meet. Another thing that gave me a molecule of hope in men was that he didn’t turn me asking for a temperature read back onto me and gaslight me or try to make me feel like an asshole for checking in. I was braced for it since that has almost always been the response when I’ve tried to have adult conversations with people I’m dating.

So, you know, 2 out of 3 of my in-person dating experiences weren’t bad but I think I’m going to take a break. Dealing with a bunch of men isn’t the life I want to live right now. I’m very close to finishing my book and I want to get that published by the end of the year. I also have a second book that I’ve been working on that I would love published asap. I have a website to build, friends and family to see, a house to work on, and a life to live. And the mental energy it takes to sift through SO many conversations to meet someone who appears somewhat normal and actually has a personality is really hard. And then you have to meet them in person and there’s only a slim chance there will be a mutual attraction.

I think focusing back on my goals will be far more fulfilling to me than wasting my time with a bunch of dipshits online. I’ve seen enough for now.

On another note, the guy who cheated on me and is blocked from calling me, texting me, blocked from every one of my personal email addresses, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, any other app that I could think of, my local carrier pigeons, etc. emailed me at my fucking work email last week. He has never emailed me at work before. No matter how hard I try to avoid this turd, he finds a way. Mind you, he is currently engaged (or married?) to the woman he cheated on me with but he eluded to the fact that they’re not together now or are possibly breaking up. Karma, I love you, girl.

So that’s my recap for now. I have a few friends who are also in the dating trenches and we’re all preeeeetty much having the same experiences. I have more thoughts on men on the dating apps that I’ll get into on another post but, for now, I am shutting this whole online dating operation down. Who the fuck’s idea was it for me to do this?

This morning a conversation between Keke Palmer (love her!) and Whoopi Goldberg came across my desk. It resonated so much with me when Keke said:

“I don’t value connection if it doesn’t allow me to be my full self”.

This has been a sentiment I’ve been feeling for years. Because many times when I’ve met someone, they’ve praised me for things they loved about me but then slowly started to chip away at those same things in order to dim my light. What they once admired in me, they resented. If they didn’t have those qualities, why should I?

An insecure man will fuck you up.

I have shrunk myself too often to make someone comfortable and that is something that I absolutely refuse to do anymore. Obviously we all make compromises and tweak things about ourselves and, if that can be done in a healthy way where we don’t lose our essence, great. But my core joy, happiness, optimism for life, my friend and family connections, my excitement about life in general… those are no longer compromises I’m willing to make.

In my dating profiles of yore, I would write that I am not looking for anybody to make my life better - I’m looking for somebody who can enhance the lovely life that I already have. I don’t even bother putting that in my profiles anymore because most men don’t even understand what that means, much less appreciate or respect it. However, I know what I’m looking for and my boundaries are stronger now.

And that usually comes with age and a lot of experience. And I mean a LOT of experience. That also means going longer stints without getting my back blown out. But that’s an unfortunate side effect that I’m choosing to live with. Having higher standards comes with some sacrifices. (Although finding a man to have sex with is like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s pretty easy.)

But back to my point. In my last relationship, his put downs were very insidious. They quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) kept stacking up and, slowly, my joy and my whole vibe was depleted. That ultimately culminated in me going for drives to secretly get ice cream and eat my feelings in my car. I gained so much damn weight trying to fight the battle of who I knew I was vs. what I was currently feeling. And that culmination also culminated in NONE OF MY FUCKING PANTS FITTING ME ANYMORE.

Digressingggg... The back to back of my last two relationships were absolutely spiritual assignments in my life. They were meant to teach me to not compromise the core of who I am for anyone or anything. Not for a romantic relationship, not for a friendship, not for a job… none of it. I generally really like who I am and if you’re not on board,

I am certain that I had to go through all of that in order to get to where I am now. Boundaries are stronger, I respect myself more, I am more loving with the people I allow in my life, my pants are fitting again, and I have also learned when it’s time to stop giving grace to someone when they’re not deserving of it.

Love should never require us to lose pieces of ourselves. Love should enhance our lives, expand our understanding of humanity, and give us the freedom to be who we are. Ultimately, I can be very grateful for my last two relationships. These are lessons that I could not have learned were it not for the hurt. (I’m a “hands on” learner.) I hope for anyone reading this that you always remember that nobody or no thing are worth giving up the innate special-ness that you have cultivated. You deserve love just as you are. xo

He first told me he was separated for 14 months but on our date, I found out it was actually 11 months. But the first really major red flag was when he told me that he has already had a girlfriend for 8 or 9 months. Guy wasted no time. He assured me that she was, in fact, his rebound. I suppose in an attempt to reassure me that I’m not rebound material. I’m just getting to know him so at this point, I’m merely taking notes.

He lives about 2 hours away from me and happened to be passing through my neck of the woods the next day on his way to Chicago and asked if we could meet for a coffee.

I walked into the coffee shop and we greeted each other with a hug. We got our beverages, sat at a booth and began chatting. Conversation was going well but… here’s the thing… I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him in person. And the more he talked, the more I felt that way. It can take me a while to warm up to people and I know this about myself, however, I knew I was never going to find this man attractive. I liked his personality fine but, let’s be for real, I can’t picture this man on top of me. Or under me. Or behind me. And attraction to a partner is critical. I think we can all agree on that.

The date ended and we went our separate ways. My texting started petering off and he asked why. I told him that I “didn’t feel an in person connection.” He said he was surprised but respected my decision. He sent me a few “You’re a catch” farewell texts and that was that.

A couple days later he texted me and said he missed our conversations and because I was bored, I started texting him back. We did, I admit, have good chats. We started texting again but I made it very clear we will only be friends.

I sometimes hate this about myself. Parts of me know better but I indulge the wrong people. I eventually cut it off but only after I’ve been thoroughly annoyed and/or creeped out. And creeped out, I was.

This guy took the opening I gave him and really began to lay it on thick. Always hyping me up, telling me how funny and smart I was. He made sure to let me know he’s a millionaire in case that would sweeten the pot. He was complimentary to me every day. He would text me all day long. We’re not dating, bro. Stop asking me about my hopes and dreams. I kept my guard up because I could see what he was doing and was clearly hoping I’d change my mind about “us”.

He was coming to town again on Friday and we arranged to meet for dinner. But by Thursday night, I knew I didn’t want to go. Some of his texts over the week were giving me the ick but he said something Thursday night that was really weird and uncomfortable and I was done. This guy needed to go. He was consuming so much of my day, he felt really needy, and why is he so desperate to be in a relationship?? How about you just be single and heal, buddy?

Knowing I’d have to cancel on him and end any conversation between us was giving me so much anxiety. And PTSD from all the other overbearing creeps that I’ve experienced in my 37 years of dating. This feeling was not new to me and it was deeply disrupting my nervous system.

So I fired off a 2 sentence text to him yesterday morning and hit send quick to get it over with. I didn’t explain myself. I didn’t elaborate. I don’t owe him any explanations and I don’t need to soften the blow so his feelings aren’t hurt. It probably helped that I was wearing this “Women Don’t Owe You Shit” tee to help boost my confidence.

He sent me a few texts back which I ignored. His last text said that he’s going to back away now (like he has a choice) and that he thought we would be really great together.

This is why dating is so difficult. I don’t have any of this bullshit when I am not letting men in my life. And why are there so many unhealthy men? Someone should do a study on that instead of only researching how to fix a limp dick.

Later in the day yesterday my friend sent me the Facebook profile of her flooring guy that she wants to set me up with. It was littered with Trump 2024 and Let’s Go Brandon posts. Sigh…

My coochie has tumbleweeds blowing around in there and it looks like they’re here to stay.

They ended up hiring the other person. Why? “The main reason we chose her is because she’s embracing AI.”

Per company policy, I had to tell my current boss that I was going to be interviewing for another job so he was aware throughout the process. However, when I found out recently that I didn’t get it, I had to “close the loop” (as they say here in corporate) and tell him that I’m staying put. We chatted about it for a bit and I mentioned the AI thing as one of the reasons why I lost out and my boss told me that we need to change my thoughts around AI. Do we though?

I have issues with AI. First off, I sincerely do not need it to do my job. I’m an Administrative Assistant and am very capably handling this position without having AI help me write an email asking someone if they can reschedule their 2:00 next Thursday. Like, let’s be so fucking for real. But then we get into the ethical and environmental issues with it as it currently stands. I’m not one of these oldsters, shaking my fist into the sky, cursing a new technology. I educate myself about AI, I listen to experts, and pay attention to people who use it - and those who are pushing it most. I’m pretty aware. And I still disagree with it. Especially as someone who tries to write creatively and adores those who do the same. There’s a lot of reasons I am not comfortable using it, and I don’t think I need to welcome it with open arms

Well, this morning my boss mansplained AI to me and told me that if I don’t embrace it, I will eventually have no job here in his department. He then doubled down and said that I probably won’t have a job within the company at all long-term. Oh no, will Artificial Intelligence and capitalism leave me behind??

But also, I think it’s complete bullshit. Over half of the population oppose the use of AI in its current format. There are issues with sourcing, accuracy, privacy, noise and environmental pollution, and wildlife being displaced to build data centers. Among other reasons for why it’s problematic. But yet, my boss thinks I should run his Outlook calendar through AI, have it identify conflicts, and suggest solutions. Hey, how’s about I just use my eyes and brain? I think that’ll be quicker!

The expectation to dumb myself down (in my particular case, that is essentially what my boss is requesting) to performatively use AI, or lose my job, is actually outrageous to me. And to suggest that the company I work for, which employs many thousands of people, will no longer have jobs for anyone that’s not on board with AI seems like a pretty reckless take for him to be spreading.

What are these companies, that are moving full speed ahead on the AI train, going to do with employees who have ethical issues using AI? I proposed this question to my boss and he clearly had not considered it. Will every employee who takes issue (whatever those are) with the use of AI be sent to the unemployment line? That’s obviously not a message that my company has expressed but, clearly, as “management”, my boss seems to think this is the direction things are going. And, believes so much in that sentiment that he thought he could… dare I say… lightly threaten any place I have within this gigantic organization going forward? I mean, he already told me my job in his org is as good as gone if I don’t hop on board.

What are companies and corporations going to do with people who take a stand against AI?

Obviously the writing is on the wall for me here in my current department. But I can rest easy knowing that I was able to reschedule his lunch next Monday to a day that works better for him in July. And I did that all without wasting a drop of water, or compromising my values.

I think it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all been hurt by friends, family and, of course, DUDES. My last two relationships were like a one-two punch that almost took me out. But, of course, didn’t. However, it did put me through a spell of having to analyze why it took me so long to get unstuck after them. Had I lost my get-back-up-again mojo? Was I officially down for the count? The referee is slamming on the mat and counting 5… 6… 7… is this it?? Am I done??

But then I went back to something one of my former therapists (shout out, Michelle!) taught me. I’ve maybe discussed it here before but it bears repeating. My therapist called it “parts work”, and this has been one of the best tools for my life - especially when feeling stuck.

So, you know how when you’re going through something, or feeling conflicted, and you’re weighing out all of the pros, cons, etc. and you say to yourself “Part of me feels this way. But part of me feels that way.” Well, Michelle had me sit with those feelings and single out just one of those “parts”. Chit chat with one side of your feelings. I’d identify it, sit with it, she’d ask me if it had a color or a feeling attached to it, and she would ask me to get me to get specific about that part. Really isolate it and connect with it. Have a conversation with it, actually.

Well that’s what I did during my journaling session the other day. After I was questioning whether or not I was stuck here for life, I sat with the part that’s been protecting me hard core for the past couple few years. What were they protecting me from? I mean, it’s obvious, but the goal is to go deeper and get very specific. What have been the benefits of that part protecting me? Have there been any downsides to that part so fiercely attempting to keep me safe? Identify it all. What would happen if I asked that part to take a break from being so protective? What would that feel like? What would it look like if I let that protective part relax and let another part take over?

And then I thought about what I would do for a loved one if they were down for the count. Without question I would be there for them in any way they needed. If someone I cared about broke both of their arms hydroplaning off a ski hill in the Swiss Alps and couldn’t feed themselves, I’d be right there playing airplane with the spoon while feeding them. So, knowing that, I can acknowledge that there is also a very nurturing, healer part within me.

I dialed into that inner nurturer and had a chit chat with that part. I acknowledged that I’m struggling and broken in some ways. My peace, my joy, my mojo, had hydroplaned off a ski hill in the Valley of Emotionally Unavailable Men and it’s time for me to take care of myself now in the same way I know I would for someone else.

What would that part do right now to help me nurture and heal myself? What would that feel like? To be nurtured now instead of constantly on high alert and in protection mode? What if I allowed myself to let the healer take over and ask the protector take a bit of a rest? What is the first thing my inner Florence Nighingale (pictured below) would do now?

Okay, what would my inner Florence Nightingale do after she’s done dropping it low?

Once I identified that, that’s what I did for myself that day.

If you’re feeling like you’ve lost the ability to pull yourself back from the quicksand of life, consider sitting with your parts and have a bona fide conversation with them. Identify what parts of you have been at the wheel that may need to take a back seat. Identify if there are other parts that you might want to step to the front of the line. What is your intuition or inner knowing wanting to tell you through this exercise?

You don’t have to do everything at once. For instance, for me, that day, I told myself to commit to walking daily - either outside of at the gym. I also told myself to add some healthy foods to my fridge so I always have something on hand that’s good for me, as opposed to rolling to through the drive through whenever I wanted to eat... my feelings. (Except Chipotle. Never gonna give them up.)

Through sitting with myself that day, I identified a couple tiny things that I could do to take care of myself in this moment in time. I allowed my inner nurturer to speak to me instead of being stifled. My protective part hasn’t completely retired. They’re still on the clock but with every instance that I do something healing, they’re allowed to take a few breaks throughout the day. And the more I take care of myself, the more I feel good about myself and that just helps to show myself that I’ve still got it.

My mojo isn’t gone - she’s just been on a break. And that’s okay. We all need a break sometimes.

“Republicans, MAGA, religious - swipe left.”

These are my non-negotiables. Extra toes? No problem. Have an embarrassing tattoo? Hey, been there. Wear Skechers Arch Fit Summit slip ons? I’ll still give you a chance but we will be going shoe shopping. I won’t stand a right winger though.

The very first guy to slide into my messages asked me why I’m “ruling out half of the population because of a political litmus test.” Sir, first of all, fuck you. I’m allowed to set whatever parameters I want and I don’t have to explain myself to you. Second, I don’t have any interest spending my precious time getting to know someone who’s values and outlook on life, and the world, are diametrically opposed mine. And I’m sorry not sorry that gave you big feelings, Christopher. Unmatched. Next.

The next flurry of men that messaged me were normal. Some funny. Some boring. A lot boring. Some who got upset when I didn’t message them quick or often enough. But no major jerks. I had some good conversations. This one guy in particular was on my favorites list. He was so witty and attractive. We messaged back & forth on the app all night but then I never heard from him again. When I checked back in on him a couple days later, he had either unmatched me or got off the app. I simply can not bear the thought of him unmatching me, so I’d like to think his phone accidentally ejected from his pocket while driving to work the next morning and an oncoming vehicle ran it over. I’ll wait to hear back from him after he gets his phone replaced.

95% of the guys I’ve been matching with live about an hour & a half away. Which, at my age, #will_travel_for_peen #or_for_a_relationship_if_you_are_cool

One Thursday night a nice gentleman from my area messaged me and said “You had me at the swipe-left criteria. lol” okayyyy, Jim… you have my attention. We chatted on Tinder for a bit and he gave me his number. Normally I don’t give a guy my phone number until after I’ve met him in person - too many bad experiences. However, I had a good feeling about Jim so I gave him my number back. And by the next afternoon, we were meeting for a very low stakes coffee date.

I haven’t been on a first date in almost 5 years and I haven’t been on a date of any kind in almost 3 and a half years. However, I had zero nervousness. I also had zero excitement or anticipation. It just felt very whatever to me.

We met at a favorite coffee shop near my house and chatted about life, kids, work, divorces, and dating. It was nice. At one point in the conversation, he reached into his pocket and began fishing around. He grasped something that was long and stiff but I couldn’t tell what it was. He then unclasped his hand and presented me with… a pen. A pen that he got from the mechanic when he picked his car up earlier that day. Now, in his defense, they were giving them away AND it’s a preeeetty nice gel pen. So me, being the sweet angel baby that I am, pulled out a sheet of paper from my bag and scribbled my signature a few times to test the pen out. I praised it’s agility and ink quality and thanked him for thinking of me.

Anyhoo, we wrapped things up and have texted back and forth sparingly since then. Last weekend he invited me to meet him at the world’s smallest plant sale and we grabbed coffee afterwards. We barely contact each other and I’m fine with it. I am, however, happy that my first foray into dating after such a long break (long, for me) was with a really nice guy and not a creep who made me regret taking this leap.

The pickins seem slim in my neck of the woods, and in my age group, so last night I downloaded Bumble to diversify my portfolio. Maybe I’ll try Hinge too. I don’t know. It’s not like I’m desperate to date or to get these cheeks clapped (lol I am so sorry I just typed that), but I also know that I’m ready for some light dating and this just seems like the easiest way to put myself out there. I can swipe from the pantsless comfort of my couch whilst watching all of my Bravo stories.

So, dates one - and two - are in the books. And I got a pen out of it. A pen that writes like a dream! When is the last time a guy gave YOU a pen??

So why in the world would I even consider going back to the same species that has done all of this to me?

Well, the answer is simple. Dick.

I’m not built to go without for the rest of my life. And, despite the hardships of dating, I’ve also had a lot of really fun experiences - IF you know what I mean. I’ve been missing that part of life and let’s just say the streets have been calling.

So what’s a girl to do? Vibrators aren’t as fun so a man is required and that’s just that. I’ve come to terms with this fact.

But here’s the thing. I’m sure finding a guy just to have sex with is only a message or two away. However, I have to have some respect for and interest in them. I need to enjoy the vibes they bring to the function. I am hoping that they’re also a good, hilarious person that I like spending time with. And maybe we will find a situation that is mutually symbiotic.

So I’ve had to face the age-old question: Where will I meet some ding a ling? As a woman in my 50s, I guess… the dating sites. I’ve got some events in the coming weeks that I hope bear a morsel of fruit. I have plans this summer for some good concerts and festivals. I’ve never dated in my 50s so we’ll see.

But I dread the monotony of it all. Asking the same questions over and over. “Have you ever been married?” “Do you have kids?” “Where were you on January 6?” blah blah blah yada yada yada.

I will have to sift through a lot of men who are unkempt, boring, still pining after an ex and using dating to distract themselves, men who think that just because they send a message, they’re deserving of a response. Shit… I’ll probably have to shave my legs too. The list goes on.

It’s a lot of work for some dong. But, alas, I have committed myself to getting to know some new people this year with the cautiously optimistic hope that they have more to offer than the least common denominator. And maybe, juuuuuust maybe, I’ll even meet someone I’d enjoy being in a relationship with.

I only have a couple of friends my age-ish who are dating and we have vastly opposite attractions and priorities so it’s very hard to compare. I wish I knew more women in their 50s and beyond who are dating. I’d love to hear some aspirational stories. However, I also know attitude is everything, so I probably need to adjust mine.

I feel like a woman going into battle and having to prepare myself mentally and physically. All to get some wang. It better be worth it.

As I was figuring out what to wear for it, I began reminiscing about my club days in the mid-90s. My friends and I went to dance clubs allll the time. Multiple times a week sometimes. There was a schedule for which clubs were best on which nights and our all-time favorite go-to was a bar named Liquor Sweets. (A McDonald’s was eventually erected where Liquor Sweets once stood. RIP) Anyway, I’d usually dress up in a short skirt, my favorite Guess platform heels, red lipstick, and we’d dance all night.

However, this past Saturday, my outfit du jour was comfortable jeans, a shirt that didn’t accentuate my muffin top, and some comfortable (but very cute) flats.

My friends and I headed into the venue at 7:30 (Oh, did I mention that this started at a very reasonable 6:30 p.m.?), I grabbed a drink (Coke), and we all started dancing right away (I lasted on the dance floor until about 9:30. Good thing this party ended at a very reasonable 10:30 p.m.). It was fun and lots of good old school music was played.

But here’s where things got middle-aged. At one point the woman who, presumably coordinated this event, got up on the makeshift stage, stopped the music, and asked for our attention. She spoke loudly into the microphone “Those ladies who are done with menopause raise your hand! Okay, come on up and stand over here!” A group of women flocked to the right of the stage. She then said “Those of you going through perimenopause come on up and stand over here!” Another group of women gathered to the left of the stage. Once again, the woman with the microphone said “Those of you who haven’t started, I feel bad for what’s coming!”

Mind you, my friends and I stayed put. We weren’t about to take part in this ceremony.

The woman with the microphone then announced that she’s a Certified Menopause Coach and gave a little schpeal about that. She then invited the post-menopausal women up on stage (To which my sister immediately turned to us and said to us “All those ladies with hot flashes cramped together under those hot lights??” lol) and the DJ started to play….. yeah… Nelly’s “Hot in Herre”.

I stood there sort of in shock. When I was dancing until bar close in my 20s, drinking Long Island Ice Teas endlessly, and making out with strangers, I could have never imagined that I’d be out dancing in my 50s and called to the stage depending on where I was at in my menopause journey. In fact, I wouldn’t have known what any of that meant. But there I was. Looking at peri, menopausal and post-menopausal women shimmying to Nelly. And in an attempt to pretend this didn’t just happen, I averted my eyes from the stage, glanced down and noticed that the Certified Menopause Coach had her business cards all over the tables.

Now, I’m not shading this time of my life, or other women who are in this stage, nor am I shading the Certified Menopause Coach. I am just recognizing that, much like my hormones, body, skin, and choice of footwear, things are a’changin’.

But now that I think about it, it really is hot in herre. *turns on my remote-controlled fan from the comfort of my couch*

It started off by chatting with a friend who is on the dating apps and has been talking to a couple men who, as it turns out, are having health issues. One of the guys she was talking to needs a QUADRUPLE BYPASS. Sir, you have no business being on a dating site unless you’re looking for a woman to take care of you. Or maybe a “candy stripper” as Blanche Deveraux once called it. (For all you youngins, there used to be women and girls who volunteered at hospitals and were referred to as candy stripers based on their red and white striped uniforms.) Anyhoo, I digress… so this guy needs a quadruple bypass and knee surgery. While my friend liked him, she decided to gently let him down by saying that she doesn’t think he’s in a place now to date. She had to tell him that. And he gave her attitude about it too. Insert eye roll emoji.

The other guy she’s talking to seemed promising. They’ve kind of known each other for years via Facebook and finally decided to go out. They took filtered, overhead selfies on the first date and things seemed good. But this guy apparently needs back surgery. They went out again on Friday and he was only able to endure a movie because his back was hurting. No post-movie drinks, much less anything else.

I said “This is like that episode of Golden Girls where Blanche’s date, Morty Fishbein, cancels on her for an authentic Texas-style barbeque because his back went out and he’s in traction and she reminisces with Dorothy about how the men she used to date didn’t have all the health issues they do now.” I wanted my friend to have the full experience of that reference so I found the episode on Hulu, recorded that scene and sent it to her. It was spot on.

The next day I was chatting with a friend about a guy she met but thinks he’s impotent. I said “Oh, another Golden Girls reference. In the episode The Impotence of Being Earnest, Rose dates a guy who’s impotent so they kind of agree to just be friends until one night over dinner, their conversation gets hot and heavy so they head to his place and have sex. And the next day he’s basically like ‘Thanks for getting my dick to work. Now that it’s working again, I’m gonna get back together with my ex-wife. Thanks, Rose!’ ”

Except these weren’t merely relatable comedic nuggets anymore. These are my friends who are close to my age and these are the men they’re dating. And this is pretty much the age group of the men I’ll be dating. My life is becoming the experiences Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia were going through.

Golden Girls covered so many topics: Looking for love later in life, wisdom that comes with age, the financial stress and worry of retirement years, dealing with heartbreak, learning to parent adult children, activism, “women of a certain age” not getting the respect they deserve, how politics affects the aging, sex after menopause, pursuing dreams at an age where many are encouraged to slow down, health issues, finding acceptance of ourselves in a world that worships the beauty of younger women…

Without knowing it, a lifetime of watching Golden Girls has become a guidebook for life that I can draw from at this time in my life. These are the stories that women have been living for many generations and I guess it was just fortunate that I clung to this show from an early age and never let go.

And now I get to feel comfort from stories - while fictional, based in real-life experiences - who have been through it. It’s actually kind of encouraging to have the stories of women before me to refer back to. And it doesn’t hurt that this is one of the absolute wittiest TV shows to ever air.

So much humor and wisdom that my brain has been soaking in for 40 years that I get to draw on whenever I need.

Like in the episode of Blanche and the Younger Man where Blanche does everything she can to impress Dirk, the hot young guy in her aerobics class. She so wants to feel young, sexy and desirable again, only for him to finally ask her out and tell her she reminds him of his mom. Or the time when Dorothy got revenge on her high school bully, Trudy McMann, in the episode ‘Til Death Do We Volley. In the episode Sophia’s Choice, Sophia smuggles her friend Lillian out of her retirement home because the conditions are so bad and Blanche uses her boob job fund to upgrade Lillian’s living situation. And in the episode of Twice in a Lifetime Rose’s old boyfriend from high school, Buzz, comes back and she’s torn between her current boyfriend, Miles, and the “what if” of pursuing a past love.

And no, I didn’t need to Google any of that. Thankfully it’s all stored in my golden girl brain.

However, hate mail has clearly gotten more personal and sophisticated. As demonstrated in the 30 minute Google Recorder voice note a fellow Substacker sent me last night after reading a post about an ex-boyfriend that I wrote a year and a half ago.

Just a brief recap, I wrote about a specific dating experience I had with a man who I called a cuck. In the post, I commented only about the man I was dating. No sweeping generalizations. No judgement of others’ situations. No bitter man hate speech (of which I’m entirely entitled to do if I want). Just a gal. Talking about her experience.

However, to back track, a few weeks ago, the aforementioned Substacker started following me, commenting on my posts, and sent me some messages. Then last night I saw that he had messaged me about a week ago on my Joys of Ex Instagram detailing his experience living with a woman who has been unfaithful and said that not all men who are in this situation are cucks. The email didn’t come across as abrasive or mean-spirited, so l responded.

I said that I agree and reiterated that I was only speaking of my one, singular experience. But then came… the voice note response to me finally acknowledging the message he sent me days ago.

Big feelings were clearly a’brewin’ and he spewed them all out in this almost 31 minute voice note. Or, as one of my friends said “That’s not a voice note. That’s a podcast.” lol

Anyhoo, he began by putting a lot of words in my mouth. Insisted that what I wrote were sweeping generalizations about men and told me that, by acknowledging that I don’t think all men in unfaithful relationships are cucks, I was backpaddling, waffling, and being intellectually lazy.

Here’s Part 1 of some other insults he felt compelled to hurl my way:

• Said I was discounting all men because of my ex.

• Repeatedly brought up me using alpha/beta terminology which I have never once done. That’s not even in my vernacular.

• Didn’t like that I held my ex accountable for his decisions: “Some men are the victims”.

• Said that maybe a “cuck” is just a “wise person or a wise man” who is just “misunderstood”.

• Insisted that if he was a “cuck” (which I never once said he was - I literally don’t even know this guy), he wouldn’t be coming at me the way he was in this voice note. Big strong man standing up to a lady on the internet!

• He haaaated that I used the term “cuck a doodle doo”. Hated it. Said it was my way of telling him to fuck off.

This shit was honestly so wild, I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It’s very obvious to me that he’s projecting. Buddy, you’re not angry with me - you’re angry with your wife.

He then formally RESCINDED his interest in me which is hilarious and extremely presumptuous.

And here’s where he really gets upset and things get progressively more angry. Part 2 of the insults:

• Said relationships in my life are abject failures and I’m not learning from them.

• I’m actually the angry one who is playing the victim.

• I need to look in the mirror and take A GOOD HARD LOOK AT MYSELF.

• Said I’m sharing my opinion because I’m not an authority or expert. That’s what an opinion is, my guy. My thoughts. I never claimed to be a Professor of Cuckery.

• Called me a cuck because I took myself to Jamaica for my 50th birthday. Check mate, buddy! You really got me on that one!

  • “Taking yourself on vacation on your birthday is a really pathetic, sad thing that only a cuck would do. And what were you really celebrating?”

• Said I’m not the “Queen of Honesty” which I don’t recall ever once saying I was?

• Said I need to learn from this. He hopes I evolve. He hopes I look at myself in the mirror (again).

• All of my future relationships will be a failure if I don’t change.

• And much, much more!

This shit was fuuuuuuuuuuuucking wilddddddddddddd. Lots and lots of putting me in my place because he’s DEFINETLY NOT A CUCK AND WANTS ME TO KNOW IT!!!!!!!

And to be perfectly crystal clear, I never once said a single thing about him or passed a singular grain of judgment on him. The ex that I wrote that post about would probably have less to say to me about what I wrote than this guy did.

Can you imagine a 5 minute Substack read from a stranger written about a person they once dated making you feel so angry that you take almost 31 minutes of your life to leave them a message hurling insults and berating them?

A man, who was leaving a complete stranger, a voice note about what a shitty person they are was telling me how I can improve my life and what I need to do to make my life better. The absolute fucking audacity.

Making a woman feel unsafe and judged is how guys like this attempt to take their power back.

I’ve experienced this kind of harassment before from men that I’ve been on dates with or worked with and told them I wasn’t interested. Insecure men who feel like they’ve been rejected or judged feel compelled and entitled to lash out.

As a woman, we can often feel unsafe in our bodies and spaces. Men feel perfectly fine to impose their dissatisfaction with things we do, say, wear, feel, and express. As a woman, I can not imagine sending someone a recording where I belittle their existence.

This is why I am appreciative of the community of beautiful, secure, creative, loving people I have the pleasure to have in my life. I am proud of the person that I am, acknowledging that I am flawed but also kind and loving. A woman who has learned to not internalize a misogynist tirade that intends to make me question who I am at my core.

A woman who is comfortable enough in my skin that if I want to fly to an island in the winter to sit on a beach by myself for a few days and read, I have no hesitation to book that plane ticket.

Sorry, my guy… your tirade doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. Like, at all.

And to any other women who experience this, I hope you never let a man like this make you feel anything less than the stellar being that you are.

Anyway, here’s the recording if you want to listen to it. ha ha

Read more

I am whelmed.

I’m whelmed with the exhaustion of “working on myself”. With logging in every Monday to a job that, while I am grateful for, isn’t even close to what I want to be doing. I’m whelmed with the current and very distressing political climate. With remodeling my tiny little house and currently living like I’m camping. With trying to make some moves towards my dreams. With too many text messages to respond to. With the fact that I’m still getting bit by mosquitos in October.

I wish life could be a montage that pieces together all of the work I’d love to be doing, in quick succession, with the final result being me accomplishing everything I want.

Picture it: Me, creating the business of my dreams, mastering the drums, completing my home renovation, and generally getting my shit together in just under 3 minutes. All while the song “Maniac” from Flashdance plays. Music stops. I pour a bucket of water on me. *End montage*

Now Toby is her own boss, living in the cutest house on her block, peace on Earth, and there’s nary a mosquito in sight.

Damn that would be cool.

But, what is also cool is the time I spend sitting on the couch in my friend’s living room while we laugh incessantly through The Golden Bachelor.

I’d miss the time I get to see a house project from start to finish and all the things that get me excited about it along the way. Like picking out the perfect wallpaper for that blank wall.

I’d miss the deep, meaningful conversations I’m having with people on the way to my dreams.

Speeding up the hard parts in life in order to avoid them and come out quickly on the other side might be nice, but I guess I wouldn’t appreciate life as much. And if our hardest times could just be worked out in a sweet little pastiche of moments strung together to a spunky soundtrack, I doubt anyone else would appreciate life as much either.

I guess I just had to remind myself that life happens in the moments of both happiness and of sadness. Of joy and pain. Of bravery and fear.

A shortcut to happiness would be nice, but definitely not as fulfilling. xo

So far this year I’ve had a job shift, got a new boss, I bought a tiny little fixer upper, I moved, my laptop screen cracked (that’s what really took me out of Substack), my windshield cracked. Hell, even I cracked a couple of times. I had to say goodbye to one of my senior rescue pups, Mena Beans. I went to Punta Cana to celebrate my aunt’s 80th birthday, I’ve spent a lot of wonderful time with family and friends. I’ve been living life but I haven’t really been living life.

At least not the kind of life that I want to live. I’ve been seeing women that I’ve been in classes and communities with just killing it. They’re taking risks and putting themselves out there, and I’m incredibly excited for them. And jealous too. Not in an ill-intentioned way but in a “Wow, I wish I had the cahones to do that.” way. They say pay attention to what you’re jealous of because that’s an indicator of the things you want for yourself. (I’m also jealous of people with trust funds, people who live on the ocean in Malibu, anyone with a sugar daddy, and lottery winners.)

And one of the things that I want for myself is to write. So here I am. This isn’t a terribly interesting post but it’s a promise kept to myself that I would get back to writing. I promised 9:00 a.m. Toby that I’d hit Publish on a Substack post by EOD today.

I have a laundry list of things I want to write about and projects I’d love to work on but none of it will happen if I don’t start making intentional time for them. So with that, here I am. Substackinggggg.

I’m looking forward to getting back into all kinds of happy places. xo

So, as I ponder the middle-aged dating world and work up to finally opening the dating app that I installed on my phone 3 months ago, I am plagued with all the things I don’t want. I have far less “must haves” these days but a whole lotta “nopes”. So, I’ve decided to compile a list of all the icks and ews that I’ve dealt with in the past that I will quickly shut down if I see them again. And here we go:

Negging - I didn’t even know what this was until after I had broken up with my last ex boyfriend. In case you’re not aware of this, negging is “a form of emotional manipulation that involves making negative or backhanded comments to someone to make them feel less confident and more dependent on the manipulator”. I remember the very first time he did this to me is when he said “You’re not glamorous like my ex-girlfriends”. ummm… sir? He clarified by saying “I just mean you don’t have a ton of makeup and huge hair and your nails done.” okay but, like, why was that necessary to verbalize and put an image in my head about your glamorous exes? He also said “She’s no spring chicken” when introducing me to his aunts who were finally happy he was dating someone age-appropriate. And the Grand Poobah was when he told me “If you’d ever look hot, I’d tell you you’re hot”. I mean, that one wasn’t quiiiite as subtle. So, in other words, if a guy is super douchey and his compliments have to come with a caveat or if it results in me crying afterwards, I’m out. Immediately.

Emotional Immaturity/Unavailability - This one’s going to be tough because… like, am I just setting myself up to be #foreversingle by cutting off such a major population of men?? I am empathetic to people having shit from past relationships - we’ve all got it in some ways. However, what I don’t want to do anymore is to beg some guy to give me the bare minimum because he refuses to evolve or deal with his stuff. You can’t have a deep, meaningful conversation? Bye. You think it’s a bother to share “us” with the people in your life? Adios. Can’t treat me with affection? Arrivederci, bitch! I should never have to ask for the basics and I won’t do it anymore.

Love Bombing - This one is easier to recognize now that I’m no longer a spring chicken. There is a fine line though when you are really vibing with somebody - is this just a really cool situation or am I being love bombed? Usually my patented Irish skepticism prevents me from falling for it but there have been guys who have fallen through the cracks. But now… I’m on high alert, fellas.

Pining After an Ex - If you’re not over it, I won’t be getting under you. Isn’t that something that Dolly Parton once said? If you haven’t worked through the shit from your past relationships, if you’re still hanging on to the past like it’s the last remaining hair on your head, if you’re still emotionally charged when you talk about your ex, or if you’re still on your ex’s phone plan… sorry, that’s a no from me, dog. The breaks from your past better be clean and clear because I’m not going to be competing with, or inadvertently helping you get over, someone from your past.

If You Don’t Look at Me Like This - If you’re not in total awe and amazement about me, we are not compatible and this will never work.

There’s lots more but I’m not trying to get carpal tunnel from just one post. Needless to say, a couple of my friends have given me a deadline and each day I’m creeping towards it. Part excited and part petrified. But, if nothing else, at least I’ve got my local Chinese food restaurant that thinks I’m taken.

Truthfully, while I did some cool shit last year, I don’t feel like I accomplished a whole lot. Certainly not much of what I had hoped to do. And as I was journaling yesterday, I realized that I’ve been riding bitch on the Barbie motorcycle of life for most of 2024. (As pictured below. That’s me in the slimming black.)

I’ve been making an annual TO DO list for the past 5 or so years. An example from a previous post are things like take a surfing lesson, go on a tropical vacation, quit my soul-sucking corporate job, etc. I’m not strategizing to change my life, necessarily (although that could happen!). I’m just looking for ways to intentionally make my life more fulfilling and accomplish some goals that have been on my heart and mind. I like to write my list on a piece of paper and hang it up where I can look at it every day.

Well, long story short, last year’s list never made it to my wall and I have no idea where it went. And in a WILD coincidence, I didn’t accomplish a fraction of the stuff I vaguely remember wanting to do. I think it’s symbolic of how I wasn’t fully engaged and present in my life in 2024. My dreams, once given a home to be seen, were set aside and forgotten.

So, as I was mentally preparing myself to reflect on and journal about 2024, and start dreaming for the new year, I decided that I need to be very intentional (yassss that’s my #wordoftheyear) for 2025. I don’t want to let life pass me by with no real direction and no reminders of all of the magic I want to create for myself.

I wrote my list yesterday and I even went a step further and plotted out some action steps I can take to make these things happen. I also added reminders to my calendar for monthly check-ins to ensure that I’m engaged and reminded of the goals I have for myself. In other words, I really want to make this new year my bestie. My partner. My sidekick. An accomplice. A pal and a confidant. (Golden Girls reference)

For me, I love the feeling of this new beginning. I relish in the hope that a new year brings.

Today is a fresh page in the ‘ol book of life.

I hope that this upcoming year brings you so much peace, joy, happiness, excitement, love, laughter, and fulfillment. You deserve it. xo

The ask: Get up in front of a group of strangers and read some of your work. You know, spill your guts about whatever your heart desires - love, sex, relationships… anything! I have never done anything like this. I don’t do public speaking and I have never read any of my work in front of other people nor have I seen anyone react in real time to anything I’ve written. The closest I’ve been is Slack messaging a meme to someone in a meeting and watching for their reaction.

But I was excited. What an amazing opportunity! It was also the night before my 51st birthday which made it more special for me. Another bonus to this whole experience was that I was finally able to meet Cara in person along with a gaggle of other incredible women - some that I had already met online through Cara. I had NO idea what I was going to read but the night before, I was moved to write a little something. And now that I’ve read it in front of a room full of strangers, I’m going to share it with y’all here on this post.

I was extremely nervous but the experience was an absolute dream. AND the next day I got to turn 51 in NYC (or was I in a borough of NYC? Brooklyn’s a borough, right? I don’t know.), feeling so proud of myself that I had done something way beyond my comfort zone. okay, now here’s what I read…

I’m turning 51 tomorrow. I’m divorced. I’ve raised 4 kids, and am now an empty nester.

I always thought my divorce would be the hardest breakup I’d ever experience and I thought that once I got through that, it would be smooth sailing. Nobody prepared me for what was awaiting me.

When I started dating after my divorce, it was a major ordeal. I pulled together a team of my friends to help me pick out an outfit, decide what to do with my hair, and do some light background checking on my date. I bought brand new matching bra & underwear, and I got a new pair of snakeskin stilettos. I was fully prepared. Like when a race car pulls over mid-race to get gassed up, get some new tires and a fresh check under the hood before it’s released for more laps… that was how it felt.

My first first date after my divorce was memorable but not in a good way. I was out of the dating game for so long and was extremely nervous. And, surprisingly, my cute heels & matching underwear didn’t do anything to help that. However, you know what did help? Shots. And mixed drinks. My date and I drank and enjoyed the band and had a good time and things were fine until… I had to walk in these stilettos with a major buzz that I only realized I had once I stood up.

And this is when things went left. I managed to baby step my way to the bathroom just fine but on the way back to our table… my new stiletto heel slowly started to slide along the freshly polished wood floors of the Ale House. And there I was, in slow motion, and in front of literally hundreds of people, in what is the closest to the splits as I’ve ever been in as an adult. I didn’t know my body could contort like that and I haven’t been in that position since.

Needless to say, I never saw that guy again - even though he saw how wildly my legs could (unwillingly) bend.

So that was my foray back into the dating world and I wasn’t sure I had the chops for it. But apparently I did because since then, I’ve gone on more first dates than I could ever count. I’ve been out with short guys, tall guys, funny guys, and guys who were complete duds. I’ve been out with artsy guys and corporate bros. I’ve been out with guys with big ones and guys with small ones. And yes, I’m talking about brains. I’ve ghosted and been ghosted. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried and then I’ve cried some more.

A brief sample of a few of the men I’ve been out with:

I dated a guy for months who lied to me about his name. Not, like, he gave me his nickname. But he lied about his entire first and last name and I only found out when I was at his house and saw some mail on his table.

I went out with a guy who was an “extreme kiter”. He… flew kites in extreme wind and even broke his ribs doing it. Panty dropper.

I was having sex for months with a guy who had stuffed taxidermy beavers in his bedroom. And yes, that’s plural beavers. And yes, I still continued to have sex with him even after I knew this.

I’ve gone out with a guy who told me he was in sales but on the date found out he sells “male penile enhancement products”.

I went out with a guy with the last name Casanova and he was the furthest thing from a Casanova. I actually Googled him recently and he’s currently serving time in prison.

I’ve done speed dating, I’ve been set up, I’ve of course done the dating sites, and I even made out with my friend’s uncle. At a strip club. He was age appropriate though.

And I’ve also had two long-term relationships since my divorce.

One that ended with me finding out he was cheating on me. Like, he started a whole ass family with another woman and her kids. I was woken up one morning by my intuition telling me to fire up my long-dormant facebook account and that’s when I found out. His ballsy ass had a picture of the two of them as his profile picture. We had been together on and off for almost a decade and I never expected that from him. I completely trusted him so this was an absolute mind fuck that took me a really, really long time to recover from. That was easily my hardest break up. Worse than my marriage ending.

However, on the up side, the end of that relationship is what inspired me to really get back into writing and it gave my writing a sense of purpose.

But I persevered on to my next long-term relationship. That one lasted a year and a half and it ended when I realized that I’d be sitting in my car emotionally eating every time I was about to see him. On paper he looked great but I knew I wasn’t feeling loved in the way I wanted to. Ending things with him for that reason, as opposed to something concrete like being cheated on, was the first time in my life that I’d ever ended a “perfectly good relationship”. I wish I would have ended things sooner before my car was filled with candy wrappers, but I’m proud of myself for taking a step I was afraid to.

I should note that I’ve also had some really amazing and wonderful dating experiences too. I’ve had a lot of fun, met some very cool and wonderful and interesting people. A couple of my exes even texted me to wish me well tonight. Even my ex-husband’s wife texted me to wish me well tonight. She’s actually at my house right now watching my dogs.

So, anyway, I can safely say I’ve given this mid-life dating thing my all. And I think the most important things I have taken away are:

• Learn to love your life so much that you don’t feel like you need a partner to give you something you think you’re missing

• Choose very wisely who you let touch your energy. The low vibers will take what you have and leave you a fraction of yourself

• Unapologetically have fun with as many people as you want for as long as you want until you feel like you’re ready to settle down

• Normalize making out with your friend’s uncle

• Turn your pain into purpose wherever you can

• Create a life of fun and fulfillment and only let someone in who is fully supportive of everything that you are

• And always - always - assess the shoe/floor situation and plan accordingly

okay so that’s what I read in front of this group of people! Seeing other women share their stories and being receptive to my story has been so inspiring and I can’t wait for more. This is such a perfect example of how exciting and fun life can get after the end of a relationship where you’re not sure you’ll make it through. No way would I be doing cool shit like this if I was still in a situation that wasn’t right for me. And I can’t wait for more. xo

Picture it… we’re peacefully enjoying our lives when, out of nowhere, our phone screen lights up and there it is - a text from an ex!

I had that haunting experience last night. I was relaxing on my couch to an episode of Snapped when I look down and on the screen was a bone chilling “How are you doing?”

For some background, this is an ex I’ve written about before. He rode off into the dead of night with the woman he was cheating on me with. And now they’re engaged! Lucky lady. And even though we broke up in early 2021, he has been peppering me with check in messages since last November. A hi here, a how are you there there, an “Oh, I was just watching Golden Girls and thought of you.” DON’T YOU BRING MY GOLDEN GIRLS INTO THIS!

But last night was different. Last night, after he waited for his fiancée to go to bed and then reached for his phone with his crusty, ghoulish hands, he wanted 3 things:

1. To know I was okay (because I guess he thought he permanently ruined my life?)

2. To know that I don’t think he’s a cheater (even though he is)

3. To know that I forgive him (not happening on my watch)

Oh, and a bonus 4. to know this conversation is “just between us”. #SHADY

He evidently didn’t like any of my responses last night so, on his way to work this morning, he had to call me. We haven’t spoken in three years but he needed to hear from my mouth that I won’t remember him as anything other than a bad person. After we got off the phone, I thought “Shit. This goblin energy can really stick to us like a spider web if we don’t protect ourselves.”

So after the call and as I was stringing together cloves of garlic to wear around my neck for the rest of the day/month/year, I reminded myself of some of the things I’ve had to learn in the past to protect myself from good vibe vampires.

A few of my favorite go-tos when it comes to healing and protecting my peace are:

Meditation: Meditation is such a powerful practice that has helped me tremendously throughout my healing junket. Even a few minutes a day can be a game changer. I've had some really peaceful and insightful sessions where messages felt divinely downloaded to me that I would have never been able to tap into otherwise. And, of course, I’ve had some really distracted sessions but I’m focusing on the positive now. Just a few minutes a day of intentionally sitting, without distraction, and focusing on your breath can completely turn things around.

Journaling: Yes, journaling is about getting all the feelings out, the pain, the anger, the rage, hurt, sadness and even the happy wins. But it’s so much more powerful than that. As you write about your feelings and pour thoughts onto paper, incredible solutions, insights and little bits and baubles from our inner knowing are revealed. It’s like someone – or something - else is writing. I had no idea how powerful journaling would be for me and just how transformative it would become for my life. Journaling is my go-to when I need clarity. It also pairs nicely with meditation!

Be Grateful for The Lessons I’ve Learned & How Far I’ve Come: There was a time where I would have been a puddle hearing from this ex. But I’ve come a long way, baby! And it’s important for me to remember that I am not the same person who fell for the lies and foolishness of a low vibe creature from the Black Lagoon. Remembering where we once were and who we are now is a great way to remind us how strong we are and to keep going!

Block: I think this one is self-explanatory so I’ll keep it brief. Block anything out that interferes with your peace. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries and, if we’re dealing with headgame horsemen who repeatedly trample over our boundaries, then a good ‘ol phone and social media block will do the trick. What a treat for our peace.

There is nothing more sacred than our emotional well being and we need to protect it at all costs. So when the goblins, trolls, banshees, Dr. Jekylls, Mr. Hydes and emotional zombies from our past come back to haunt us, do whatever you need to do (legally, of course) to ward them off.

And just put them back riiiiight where they belong. boop! bye! xo

After this call I gots to thinking about all the incredible women I have in my life and how lucky I am. I have had friends in my life for decades where we can still reach out and feel just as close even if we haven’t seen each other or spoken in a long time. I have some relatively new friends and some women I’m just getting to know. I have some that I message daily, some I am sharing memes with all day, erry day and there are so many women in my life that I can talk to when I’m taking front seat on The Struggle Bus and they’re right there, listening intently. The women in my life are caring, thoughtful, smart and hilarious. Sidesplitting funny, actually. Nobody makes me laugh more than my ladies.

I have this one group of gals that I get together with very regularly. We go to lots of movies and watch a lot of dumb TV. We do a round robin at each other’s house where dinner is served and something is on the TV. We’re currently watching The Golden Bachelorette, however, if I’m honest, most of the time we’re making snarky comments about what’s happening on the screen or calling out a horrible tie/sock/hankie combo. (If anyone is watching The Golden Bachelorette, did you also notice how many guys’ pants were stuck to their socks when they were getting out of the limo and walking towards their potential future wife?? Get it together, fellas!)

I have a lot of “one off” friends as well that are an absolute fucking joy in my life. Gals that I can share with and laugh with. I have dogs in common with some of these women, business goals in common with some, others The Golden Girls (here I go again talking about them), some of them I chat about events of the day... they’re all so magical to me.

Last night I was on a text string with one of my besties, her female cousin who I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know for years and my friend’s husband. I was walking one of my dogs while reading the exchange and there I was, laughing like a crazy person on the street.

I also have incredible women in my family. Some of the people I laugh with and can cry with most are my sisters, cousin and aunt. I mean… the absolute great fortune of having been born into this family!

I could go on and on about all the wonderful women I get to call my friends. It would be like a song “Mambo No. 5” but me just listing out a bunch of awesome women in my life.

A little bit of Erin in my liiiifeeee… a little bit of Jeanie by my siiiideeee… a little bit of Andrea’s all I neeeeed…. a little bit of Carey’s what I seeee……

I’m also fortunate enough to be the mother of three incredible women. They’re funny as hell, smart, interesting and goofy. Bonus Girl Gang!

I’ve been collecting amazing women for many years and I just feel so grateful to be a part of a community of so many funny, smart, ridiculous and unique women. So, to you ladiez who support me, make me laugh, inspire me and take me out for margaritas when I need it… thank you for being you, and for helping me to be me. xo