“Why am I to walk a path someone else pointed to and not the one my heart belongs to, even if it’s the biggest blunder of my existence?”

“Why am I to accept someone’s perception of right when it’s just their response to how life treated them?”

“Why am I not to believe in myself when an eternal being can look at me and feel nothing but love and abundance?”

~ Excerpt from “The Loneliness of Knowing Best” by Aafreen

My Allen Test Papers are still in a folder on my desk. I haven’t opened them in months. This is the essay I wrote instead.

Subscribe now

NEET-a four-letter word I was asked to anchor my existence to before I even knew what it meant. At the tender age of 12, I got into this course and hadn’t even thought about how it would shape my future. It was just something I was trying out. I still had options—or so I thought.

After two years, I was still tethered to the same app. Exhausted and disillusioned, I was honestly hardly even using the material anymore. The guilt started getting to me. I started dreading every weekend because it meant 355 more minutes of pure hell. I could skip the self-study but not the classes. The perfect course, the motivational environment, perfect mentors. Part of me wishes I wanted to be a doctor. There are millions of students like me who are exhausted by working so hard yet still feeling empty, but they continue to pursue these entrance exams to fulfil their parents’ expectations. They still go on to make them feel like the money we never asked them to spend was worth it. They do this to make them feel like all the trouble they went through because of us at least led to a good place.

My mom asks me if I’m hungry, and I say no. Her asking what she should make gets on my nerves. Not because I can’t bear to repeat myself, but because the same thing happened when I said I didn’t want to be a doctor. It took weeks of building up courage to say I didn’t want to, and then 5 minutes later I was in an internal battle with the words “you need to focus on your preparation. You are getting diverted.” Out of love for my mother--I do have an understanding of her intentions. Even though I’ve worked on my unhealthy people-pleasing patterns for years, I know I’ll have to prove myself to my mother to have a say in my goals. Being the optimistic person I am, I look for a drive in every experience no matter how it’s treating me.

Maybe I’ll have moments of doubt, but there’s no way I’m looking back on my life at 80 and wishing I had followed my dreams. I don’t know yet what my mountain looks like. I know it has something to do with performing, with understanding the brain, with writing at midnight, with New York City in some version of my future. I know it feels more like mine than any preparation schedule ever did.

I’m still figuring that out. But I know which direction I’m facing.

Leave a comment

What if I told you to try your best to fail? What if I told you that you should do anything, and I mean anything but be "perfect"? Would you listen to me without any context? Probably not. I mean, 13-year-old me wouldn't either. But you opened this because you know I'm right. Because deep down, you have this little voice, a little spark telling you to be imperfect.

Listen to that voice.

Naturally, we humans wouldn't just follow random advice. We crave reasoning even when we know it's right. And then you think, why don't I believe in myself? Honey, you don't listen to yourself. You don't know who you are. How do you expect to believe in someone you don't know?

Literally, life is not that serious. We spend too much of our lives in our minds. And that's extremely unhealthy. You pressure yourself so much to be the person you look up to. Yet you barely give yourself 1% of the time it took them to get there. Every life is a different race. Would you compare yourself to someone who is in a completely different race from you? Success is a long journey, my friend. But that's what truly makes it something worth celebrating. Everyone's like "be successful and then you’ll be happy”, but that is truly the biggest piece of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my whole life. I am sure you've achieved many goals in your life, huge or tiny. But really think about it how long have you been proud of yourself after that? It’s the constant improvement and growth of your own personal fascinations that lead to delight.

You work on something for 2 hours and then expect to magically be flawless at it. I bet my life, all of those successful people you see have made hundreds, if not thousands, of mistakes, but that's what gave them the lessons and knowledge they needed to handle their blessings.

"Luck favours the prepared”

People see a successful person and say, "Oh, she just got lucky". But they don't know the amount of work they did behind closed curtains. No one in history has ever become successful because of "luck" or because they're "gifted". No "gifted person" in this world can ever beat a person who has seen rock bottom yet doesn't stop showing up for themselves every day.

Everyone faces 20 hours of frustration when they learn something new. This is the period that differentiates the winners from the losers. You just have to keep going for what you want. You need to have this crazy hunger. Perseverance can't be shown in times of convenience.

STOP CHASING "SUCCESS". START CHASING YOUR PASSION.

Now I want you to imagine your idea of success. If the only thing you could think of was money, you aren't ready for success. When you're on your deathbed, you won't be cherishing the money in your account or the followers you have on tiktok but rather the imperfect ups and downs of your journey, which made them more beautiful than perfection ever could.

DON'T BE ASHAMED OF BEING INSPIRED

Some of us literally have a fear of being inspired, and that's genuinely insane. No one has ever made anything completely original. It's completely human to be enlightened by someone else's work. Take inspiration and turn that into something with your own energy.

STOP USING AI. NO ACTUALLY.

Al is an amazing discovery...until you start using it as your therapist and make it do 90% of your work.

Y'all really ask Al to write a 100-word assignment. How do you expect to face the world when you can't even come up with a 100-word essay? More than that, the work it does isn't authentic; it isn't real. There are no emotions whatsoever behind it. It might be enough for a quick dopamine hit or maybe even enough to be viral. But at the end of the day, it's just blocks of emotionless words, which is worse than a blank piece of paper.

We are here to live life as humans. And as humans, it's our nature to create out of emotions. If one does not do that, insanity is inevitable.(im not kidding!)

So

Let's love deeply, fail miserably and still get up with a giggle.

A toast to being real in this copy-paste world!

As I look back on photos of 2024 me, I was fit, an overachiever, a social person, a straight-A student, every teacher adored me, and I was prettier than ever. But the thing is, I never noticed that back then...never did I think of those words when I thought of myself. I focused on all the flaws, which is so sad because I was doing everything 1 could for right now.

If 1 go through 2025, that was the year 1 gave up everything, and it all fell apart. I left my abacus class, ditched my music teacher, gave up badminton, stopped writing poetry, stopped reading books, left my YouTube journey on a full stop and stopped working on my grades. That all feels so out of the blue as I write this, but it wasn't...in fact, 1 hadn't realised I'd given up so much until this moment.

Subscribe

What's going on now? Why don't 1 have a life? Why am I not the topper anymore? Why aren't l a state champion? Why am I not a professional musician? Why? Why?Why????

Regardless, there's nothing 1 can do about the past or future. The only thing I can do right now is do my best in the present. Even if there are new things or maybe even old ones, I shall work as hard as I can and be fulfilled because there's a whole life in front of me which is too expensive to give up.

Thank you for reading thelastleaf!

I would love your views!

Comment

Subscribe

Today, for the first time, I watched the sunset without capturing it with my device. The sun beautifully left its traces, and the moon came up, the sky pink and clouds a beautiful shade of blue and pink. The moon never seemed this bright before. In the golden, lively rays of the sun, which was still reluctant to say goodbye, the moon still shone its brightest. Two aeroplanes flew in opposite directions among the pink clouds, increasing my urge to record or at least take a picture, but l stopped myself. I watched the scenery like I had never seen it before because I hadn't, never in the moment. Now, hours later, I'm still awestruck, unable to forget the moment because I captured it with my eyes, not my camera.

I nervously turn and turn.

Behind me, my forgotten sisters.

The other pirate’s grimace, I feel.

I haven’t learned the ship yet,

but i used to be the richest.

Now he is, whom, no longer, I’ll let.

He sails far ahead,

while I can’t seem to carry on.

Slowly the picture starts to shed.

On the island, I stand on.

Not a single soul to see

Where’s that other one?

Did he flee?…

How it felt like standing on the island…

click here

Subscribe

Am I too much?

The laugh, the weight, the gaze?

Is it just a hunch

That I take too much space?

Am I too much?

Or is it just you who’s evil?

I’ve met many as much

Who lie, say “we will”

Am I too much?

Or am I too less?

Am I out of touch?

I’ll never know, I guess..

…

click here for this poem but in “music”

text me ur crashout

Message me

Is much better than

Silence like I would

I want to speak

Just a chance

But I’m too weak

For even a glance

But heartbeat raises

And I want to scream

But I go through music phases

It was just a blunder

Not enough for blood on you hands

And I’ll just surrender

While you go on with you rants

songs to comfort u if ur going thru it too