However, our chats on Hinge had been hilarious, so I decided to let it slip and continue on the date. It was also the first time I had been on a date in 11 years, so I needed the practice. Because when I say it was the first date... It was the first non-platonic attempt of any kind, since my 10-year relationship ended.

Yep. Boy, did I need to get out there.

And we ended up having a fun 2 hours, eating Korean BBQ (one of my secret skills is to work the meat like a pro) and getting to know each other. We talked about them having lived in France for a while, me wanting to live in Korea one day, our almost colliding friend groups and so on.

It wasn’t a match though.

It was nothing about him. I just didn’t feel that ‘something’.

And the thing is, I don’t think I could have felt it at that point in my life.

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the test no one could pass

This was a year after I had ended a 10-year relationship, and a little over a year before I would write ‘The List’.

I thought I was ready to date. I’d already been processing the breakup while still in the relationship, since it had been going downhill for the last two years. Surely years of processing meant I’m good to go?

I was almost right, but not quite. And it had nothing to do with the ex.

One tell-tale sign of not being ready was the way I was approaching dating. I was going into it to meet my husband, to fall in love. Even if I had been ready, anyone who’s been on dating apps knows that most aren’t going to find love on the first try.

So, let’s still backtrack a little. Why was I expecting to meet ‘the husband’?

I had been in the same relationship since I was 15. I had grown up with them. We changed, developed, challenged each other and for all intents and purposes were headed towards marriage.

Actually, I still remember the subtle hints he started throwing about getting engaged, which made me think about the future and ultimately realize that our lives wouldn’t match in the long-term. He was more of the ‘stay in your hometown’ kind of a guy, while I couldn’t see myself living even in the same country in 5 years.

But this relationship was a formative one for me, and it taught me something essential: A relationship is two people making compromises and building their life, together. I had been lucky in love early, so in my mind it was obvious that the next guy I date will be the one I marry. I just need to find one with whom our vision for the future matches, and that’ll be it.

And somehow the year of being alone had still resulted in a ‘clearer’ picture of the perfect man. Not through meeting people, but through learning about who I am alone, looking over my flaws and picturing who I could end up with.

Which clearly meant that I was becoming less dateable.

So, when on the date with the guy-who-lied-about-their-height, I wasn’t really getting to know them, I wasn’t meeting them human to human.

I was putting them through a test I don’t think anyone would have passed on the first date.

WIP, as is Work-in-Progress (that’s me)

Looking back, I can see that any issues with dating or not dating were just... About me. I was uptight, lost, and socially awkward, to be exact.

But I’ll assure you, I was a catch.

The uptight-ness was related to having been an achiever all my life. I’ve since discovered that I’m actually pretty type B and laid back as a person, but to become an achiever I had built a system of planning and lists. (While I still love both, I feel most me when throwing them to the wind.)

Ironically, it was only when I wrote down ‘The List’ over a year later that I was able to let go of the subconscious one I was holding and comparing every encounter against.

I couldn’t do that back then, because I was lost. In a way that many mid 20s people are (27 is still mid 20s... Right?). I was learning to be a woman in a man’s corporate world, working too much thinking that is my value to the world, trying to achieve and be important, maybe because I didn’t feel like it otherwise.

And I was afraid of people seeing me, because that means they can also reject me.

I had been on the dating apps since the day of the breakup, and even had some conversations. Especially when travelling. But I had ghosted the people right when they wanted to see me, not allowing myself to meet anyone.

Not even just for fun (conversation).

It would still take me a year from then, to learn to have whole-hearted fun again.

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‘how to heal yourself in a year and four months’

And I really do think that having fun and ‘letting go’ was the part of me that I needed to unlock before I could start seriously dating again.

It was the piece that it still took time to find, to be ready not only to date, but to meet people.

I needed to learn how to meet people and just enjoy them now. How to not have expectations but curiosity about who they are. How to focus on the present, instead of determining the rest of our lives then and there. How to have a fun dinner, and be happy about that even if it doesn’t lead into anything.

For me learning that was a result of two things: experiences (especially travel) and people. And forcing myself into these.

Travel: I’m not alone in saying that travel has been some of the most important experiences I’ve had, especially solo-travel. The spring of the break-up, I booked myself a trip for the whole of June and July in Korea. I worked remotely one month from there, and just travelled for the other.

I still remember the feeling on the bus from Incheon airport to Seoul; scared as hell, but excited, and already starting to feel that I have months to be anyone I want.

It was one of the most formative experiences I’ve had, being in a foreign country for two months, alone, as my brain is trying to learn that I’m no longer a part of ‘us’. It taught me that I will be okay no matter what, and that the world is a bigger place than it feels like when you’re struggling.

Because I survived every encounter with my broken Korean, solved every issue with ATMs and my foreign card, and enjoyed the pouring rain of the Korean summer like only a deranged tourist who has nowhere to be can.

And cycling along the Han River in 30 degrees as the sunset painted the sky in orange and pink hues, it didn’t seem like such a big deal that I still had to go get all my stuff from my and the ex’s apartment.

People, and saying yes to experiences (often travel) with new people. For me the biggest lesson was that if you don’t have specific expectations, you can enjoy your travels with almost anyone. You just work to find the common chord.

I used to want to be so sure that I’m in control, that nothing will go wrong. But so what, if it does?

The first time I shared a hotel room with my now-friend Rebecca, I slept with a butter knife in my hand under the pillow, just in case she was a serial killer. We had only met two days before. But she didn’t kill me and became a friend. I learned to get over my fear, and just give things and people a chance.

This mindset shift also led to me saying yes to a trip to the Alps with my colleagues, a group of people I barely knew, while they all knew each other. I gave it a chance, thought that I’d at least have fun skiing, and made friends for life. Who would’ve guessed? (Yes, many would have guessed.)

Because what I didn’t realize then is that you learn something about yourself through every person you meet, every experience and encounter. I had to get out of my safety bubble and start experiencing the world more and more, also to meet myself.

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The highest compliment I’ve gotten from my friends is that it seems like I’ve found myself in the three years since that date.

It even helped with my social awkwardness... A little. More than that, I think I’ve learned to accept who I am and to roll with it. If someone can’t deal with a person incapable of small-talk and who gets anxiety in larger groups of people, they probably aren’t my person.

The year and four months separated the old me who was afraid of meeting people and being seen from the current me who is still afraid but chooses to not care.

And it was all of these things combined that eventually led me on a crazy, spontaneous adventure, where I met my partner.

I’m grateful every day for becoming the person who could find him.

That’s all for today.

xxx S

I’ve been invited to my friend Alicia’s family cottage, to visit for the day. We’re laying in the sun with her and talking about this and that. The discussion turns into a recurring topic: complaining (the praising doesn’t make it into the article) about The Husband.

“And you know, Tom has made real progress over the 12 years we’ve been together. I don’t think he even owned a mop or a vacuum when we got together. Even today though, there are things that I’m learning to let go of... Like the way he leaves his used dishes on the table, to clean up later. When is later?”

I sit there enjoying the conversation, but notice something that I’ve noted many times before; I’m the boyfriend or husband they (lovingly) complain about. Usually this happens with two topics: household keeping and expectations and roles in a relationship.

This has been happening ever since me and my friends started moving on our own 13 years ago.

I’ve thought about the topic quite a bit.

And I’ve concluded that unlike many of my girlfriends and like many of my male friends, I was brought up thinking that my value as a person has nothing to do with what I do for others or at home. Instead, I learned to attach my value to the person I become as an individual, and especially to what I can achieve outside the home. The rest is just noise.

Of course, I ended up this way because of who my parents and grandparents are. Grandfather and dad are very progressive regards to gender roles. And a mom has done her best not to pass on her own trauma from being taught that her value actually is in what she does at home and for others.

I think the way I was brought up allows me to view the world from a point “in the middle” – in between being brought up ‘like a girl or a boy’. I’m generalizing a lot here, but sometimes that is needed.

This is what I can see from where I’m standing

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you think I should be… what?

My upbringing prevented me from thinking about gender too much, at least at home. The protection lasted for as long as the influence of my parents did, slowly weaning over time, settling to a level where it is today.

In other words, the expectations and assumptions of the wider society did eventually reach me. Of course they did.

They reached me through relatives who kept on asking “When will you get married?”.

And an aunt being pleasantly surprised the first time I cooked for her; followed by a comment “You actually might make a man happy some day, I just never see you in the kitchen”.

And the first time I was called a ‘girl’ at work, and a man took credit for my idea while others looked the other way.

It was as if the achievements I had taught to be proud of, that I has learned to lean on, didn’t matter as much as I thought they did. As if there is a whole separate game of Monopoly, where I was given less money to start with.

This wake-up call already started in my teenage years, but then I was still protected by how my parents kept raising me. The full effect was felt when I moved away from home to university.

And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that that’s the time I cut my hair short and stopped wearing dresses and ruffles for almost 7 years. The shock of suddenly being treated as ‘female’ was confusing, and I wanted to fight against it. I didn’t know why, but it felt wrong.

adverse reactions

What I’ve later realized, is that the urge to fight against being so ‘female’, was and is a form of internalized misogyny. When I collided with the society and it told me I had learned the wrong story about myself, I had an adverse reaction. I started rejecting all things feminine, even things I used to love, to make sure people knew I was valuable.

Because I had only learned that efficiency, achievement and boldness are valuable. Not the soft things.

I was so scared that the society’s perception means something to who I am.

What followed, is years of saying that ‘I just don’t like pink’, for no reason. I chose the more masculine options, out of subconscious fear that the girly thing is somehow less. For example, I learned to love whiskey and still love it to this day, because I didn’t think it fit my internal story of myself to like pina coladas.

And the scary part is, I wasn’t brought up to dislike women or femininity. And I didn’t even realize it was the ‘feminine’ connotations that I was rejecting.

I just wasn’t taught to value them.

If for me, a woman, this is all it took, how easy is it for the men to end up in a similar place? Not because they were brought up evil, but because of where they were taught value lies in this society.

I am still on my journey into myself, but I’m happy to announce that at least I have learned to love all things soft and feminine and fluffy. Inside myself and outside it. I think I’m also renouncing a career in consulting (a.k.a. the professional dick measuring contest) partly because I finally realized that I don’t have to be ‘the man’; the achiever in society’s eyes.

Even if I could.

paper walls

So far, I have painted a picture of the challenges. But there’s a lot of good in all of this, too. I wouldn’t take anything away from how I was raised, even if I perhaps would add a little more love for all things soft.

The part I’m the most grateful for, is how I was taught that I can do anything. I can be anything. The way we are taught to think about ourselves determines a majority of the rest of our lives.

So, that’s exactly what I have done, become anything I wanted.

I wanted to become a semi-pro swimmer. I truly wanted a high-paying, high-paced career. I wanted to travel the world, be smart, accomplished, and kind. I was encouraged and supported to do all of that. I am especially grateful when listening to some of my girlfriends’ recollections of how they weren’t encouraged as much as their brothers, or how they were discouraged from taking risks.

And with the new-found softness, I haven’t lost any of the attributes that brought me this far. If anything, they’re bigger and better.

Now I can also see what it does to the mind, when you’re encouraged to explore and venture outside in the wide world: You realize that most limits are arbitrary. And that you’re powerful.

Humans aren’t capable of fully understanding what could be, if they hadn’t experienced it themselves. But the more you see and do, the more you realize that all the walls you surround yourself with are made of paper. Try pushing on one, it’ll break and you can just walk through.

That’s the lesson I’m the most grateful for having had the chance to learn.

the household stuff

And finally, I started this post with an example of how I often identify with the things my girlfriends complain about their male spouses. I actually love it almost as much as I hate it.

I would love to be a household goddess. I’m not ashamed to admit that anymore. I was just never taught how. Which has meant a lot of calls to mom later in life, to figure out how something works.

I’ve been raised to excel in what I do and told that I can be great in anything. So, of course it annoys me that there are simple things that I didn’t get to learn when it would have been more effortless to learn. I actually do like to live in a beautiful, cozy and clean home, for example.

On the other hand, I’ve also been happy that my tolerance for the things my girlfriends complain about is high. I don’t mind the mess or the chaos. This has meant that my romantic partners definitely haven’t dated me for free labour. I have happily played chicken and shown that if we don’t figure out a system where both do their part, the shit really doesn’t get done.

Now though, I’m with an amazing partner that is way better than I am at keeping the household in shape (amongst so many other things). And I am back to wishing that I was a bit better at it... But I’m learning.

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final thoughts

It might be my personal bias, I might just prefer what I know over what I don’t. But I love that I was brought up the way I was. I know my value, I know what I’m capable of. And more importantly, I have amazing parents that have done whatever it takes to support my latest whim or passion.

I am rich in life for it.

That’s all for today.

xx S

What I’m currently pondering and working on, related to this topic:

• What and who is the real me, if I’m made of my experiences and surroundings?

• What does it mean to be a woman in this world? Does it have to mean anything?

• How to use the ‘female rage’ I have towards something good and productive?

…More on these later, join me on the journey and consider upgrading for the full benefits*

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*This is one of my free posts, I will never stop publishing them. But reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving. To support with this, I’m sharing with my paid subscribers my own growing library of tools and frameworks, as well as subscriber-only posts, deeper insights and behind-the-scenes content.

A less radical modern-day version of the prince who left, is the “high-status, high income” career bull, who leaves [insert: private equity, investment banking, consulting, law], after they realize that financial wealth is not the only wealth that matters.

Maybe they even write a book about it like Sahil Bloom (The 5 Types of Wealth, a great book) or perhaps start a Substack. Or both.

The “high status, high income” professionals usually earn a very high income at a young age, work 50-60+ hour weeks, have learned rigorous standards for performance, and ultimately see what this level of earning and performance costs.

My story is similar. At 28, I was making the equivalent of 200-300k in a major US city like New York or San Francisco, putting me approximately at top 5% where I live.

And now at 29, I’m leaving consulting as I realized that no money will never be enough and that all money is not equal.

These are the things I don’t think I personally could have truly understood, before experiencing them.

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“I work so hard, why not spend the money I earned”

I’ve been seeing this matrix a lot on social media lately (if you know the original creator, please let me know). And while lifestyle inflation can creep up on anyone, I think I’ve been living in an especially vulnerable quadrant: High income, high status.

Just talking with my peers about spending, at an industry retreat at a French Chateau (of course), I heard the same story a dozen times:

“I work so hard, why not spend the money I earned? And besides, in this job I’m expected to look like I belong.”

This is what I think is the biggest financial trap of earning more.

You justify the sacrifices by buying comfort and ease. And often you even try to buy the status you were told the job would bring. But it didn’t. You just ended up in a room of people who are all busy trying to prove their status to each other. By spending money, of course.

When you have a high income, and are surrounded by similar people, your peer group and what is normal completely shifts.

I thought I was somehow immune to this, as I don’t believe in paying for brands and am more and more of a minimalist as I get older. But oh boy, was that conceited to think.

For me the lifestyle creep came in the form of “I work so hard, so why not make my life easier”. My income increased ~25% in the latest raise, but I didn’t pay attention to my spending and ended up with barely increased monthly savings.

Instead, I ordered in takeout and groceries, took trips to make the most of my valuable time off, and paid more to live near the office and all the amenities. I had all the monthly subscriptions I could want and lost my common sense in making medium-sized purchases (that sum to a very high total very quickly).

Of course, these are amazing things to enable for oneself, especially the travel and experiences, but to me this just proves that no money will ever make you happy or feel like enough. Not unless you have clear priorities for what you want to spend it on, when, and why.

It just traps you into the high-income job, as you can’t afford to quit anymore.

renting out my time

Another thing I find myself and my peers trying to buy: time. It sounds great, and often is. Cook to make your food, cleaner to clean your home, trainer to help you make the most of every workout.

But then I realized that this, of course, comes with a cost. Many people I know spend a large portion or even most of the extra money they earn from a high-intensity job, buying back the time they lost compared to a normal 9 to 5.

At least I didn’t grasp before my current job, is how it feels when your time isn’t truly yours. I don’t just mean that the daytime isn’t yours, in many of the high-paying jobs (not all though, tell me your secrets), your day looks something like wake up, workout, work, sleep. If you can sleep after running at full speed for 14 hours.

There is no dinner with friends, no random hobby-time, no quiet presence with my partner. I shifted to reading audiobooks 99% of the time, as it’s the only way to satisfy my book addiction without having time to actually open a book.

And even when you do get off early for once, you’re expected to stay on call to make sure some PowerPoint doesn’t break. Or just feel quilty for having left “early” at 7pm.

At first, I thought “at least we’re getting compensated for renting out all our time”. While this is true, once you factor in the lifestyle creep mentioned above, even this argument doesn’t hold as well.

a toxic mindset, used for good (?)

In my opinion, people are horrible at imagining a life they’ve never had. And it would be so beneficial to be able to do so.

I was surprised to find that increased income came with a story that my mind started playing to itself.

The story is formed to avoid existential crisis over how I earn this much, while many earn so little. The story tells me: I’ve earned this. I’m special somehow. I’ve unlocked something most people can’t.

Gross.

At work, I can see everyone around me playing the same story in their heads. For some of them, it has even morphed into “they must be worse people if they can’t earn as much money as me”.

Even more gross.

But. Even though it’s gross, this mindset shift is also helpful. I think it might be what many on social media call ‘the millionaire mindset’. Or something along those lines.

Because this mindset shift also allows you to start seeing money as something obvious. As something that you just attract.

Maybe it’s a form of manifestation.

You start seeing how relatively easy it is to make money. What kinds of people land at obscene annual incomes. It doesn’t take the smartest, or the hardest working, but the ones that find a game they are great at playing.

The playing of the game usually just sucks in so many ways.

Personally, having earned a high income makes me think that I can definitely do it again, even switching industries, even becoming an entrepreneur.

Doing something I love.

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so... what changed for me?

Unfortunately, most of us do need to work in this life. And unfortunately, money does make your life better in many ways. It opens doors, possibilities, and your mind.

I’m not renouncing all wealth and becoming a Buddhist monk. (At least not yet, I make no promises though.) But I am renouncing making money in a painful way. It’s just not worth it.

Working is definitely worth it, though. It gives your life purpose and structure, two things many experts say are keys to longevity.

So. For me the shift is to go from seeking money, to downscaling my spending and life at first, in order to allow time for building something purposeful. And then to do work I believe in.

And as I said, I do now fully believe that this will eventually lead me back to a high income.

That’s all for today

xx S

What I’m currently pondering and working on, related to this topic:

• How to find a peace of mind, while walking away from financial security?

• How to build a budget that feels like a lot, while being frugal (for my soon approaching unemployment)?

• How to focus on the good and learning what you can, while mentally checked out at work?

• How to balance performance, perfectionism and life outside work?

…More on these later, join me on the journey and consider upgrading for the full benefits*

Subscribe now

*This is one of my free posts, I will never stop publishing them. But reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving.

To support with this, I’m sharing with my paid subscribers my own growing library of tools and frameworks, as well as subscriber-only posts, deeper insights and behind-the-scenes content.

It was a hot and humid night in Seoul, in a bar lit with funky barely functioning table lamps and dimmed red ceiling lights. One wall was covered floor to ceiling with vinyl records, one of them playing underneath the sound of the few present people chattering.

I had been travelling with my best friend across Japan and Korea, but she was about to fly back home. I was to continue travelling for two more weeks solo. So, I was making an effort to make friends.

I met many interesting people, but this one guy especially had a lifestyle that woke something in me. Fully remote, but not an entrepreneur. Just a remote job. He was living in low-cost Southeast Asian countries, while earning a European tech-salary.

I thought his life sounded amazing.

Suddenly I saw opportunities I hadn’t before.

But I didn’t know how to grasp them.

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because the target was wrong for me

I think there were three issues with this target and vision, that I could copy from this one person. In this case, they boil down to the target not being tailored for me. And they cost me 1.5 years of sitting on what I started to realize I want:

1. it was too difficult to reach (different industry and type of work)

2. my ‘why’ behind wanting it wasn’t strong enough

3. it ended up feeling like a fantasy, despite the evidence, because I couldn’t see the short-term actions that would lead me there.

It took me almost 2 years of contemplating, and looking at different options, and pondering, until I finally admitted to myself that I was the only one stopping myself from finding a life, that I feel excited about.

Somehow this admission to myself is what helped me finally to look at what I really want, to land on a target that made me move. I also call the target my (current) vision for life:

Why I think this is a good target and has worked to create practical action:

The target has a clear ‘why’ – living the kind of life that I want, in my own way. I feel pulled to work for it, and it makes every step I take feel more ‘mine’.

The target is also difficult to achieve, but not too difficult. It challenges me and makes me want to work, but I’ve made it simpler for myself by allowing different paths to achieve it.

For example, I want to achieve the freedom to move and travel either through entrepreneurship, or through working for a company that allows me flexible hours and fully remote work. I have choices in how I execute the ultimate goal of freedom of movement.

The target feels like real life, with attainable steps towards it. I can name the gaps in my current life, and make a concrete plan with actionable steps, ensuring the vision doesn’t remain a fantasy.

What are the steps or the plan then?

first, I got started before I knew what I’m doing

I have now had this clear target for my life for 6 months, but I was taking actions already 12 months ago. I didn’t fully know then what I’m aiming for, but knew that I will change my life.

And, as said by all self-help-gurus in unison: The plan you execute is the best plan. While the perfect plan is worth nothing, if you never take action.

I took this to an extreme and started executing even before I had a clear target or a plan.

I started with two things especially: my finances and mindset.

First, on the finances.

I have earned well and lived accordingly in my life. The realization that I might want to take more risk or live less linearly meant that I need more savings. So, the first action I took 12 months ago was starting to save aggressively. I cut down all my spending. For me it means that I haven’t gone shopping even once in this year, don’t order takeout food when I’m alone, say no to spontaneous travel, and consult my budget for any purchases I need to make.

As a result, 6 months ago when I set my target, I already had a savings program ongoing.

And this was crucial, as I think it makes more sense to set your timeline for big life moves based on your financial target. As in, the moment to make the move is when you hit the target.

My financial target is a nest egg with which I feel comfortable being fully unemployed in Australia for 3-6 months. I know it’s not going to be easy to get going with my plans.

That savings target set my move date to October 2026 (I am still well on track!).

The other thing I started working on before I knew the target, was my mindset.

Journalling, therapy (and talking with friends), and just thinking about what this change will mean. Which parts of myself will I have to let go. What might I find challenging. And what in my vision makes it all worth it.

This is crucial in my opinion, not only to understand what you’re getting into, but to train your mind to see the hard times and what they lead to at the same time. For example, slowly building multiple income streams looks like a whole lot of nothing until then one day, it’s something. But holding my vision of what my future will look like, it the fuel that keeps me going.

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then I started building... in many directions

As said, I have different paths that could lead to my target. In general, I believe in locking in and focusing on as few things as possible, but let’s bee realistic. Most people can’t just quit their jobs and suddenly have a reasonably high income as entrepreneurs. It’s amazing when some people achieve that, but most build it out for months or years.

So, I’m choosing four things I focus on to build both short-term security, and my long-term vision. Four is quite a bit, but they have a priority order, based on which I allocate the weekly time I have for ‘building’.

Priority 1 is my writing, and it gets 60% of the time available.

I’ve realized that everything I want to do, always connects to writing in some way. I’ve been slowly writing a book for years. If I had to choose only one job, that would be a writer. So, I’m making sure that I put aside enough time for writing every week. Right now, you’re reading my main writing outlet.

Priority 2 is coaching, and it gets 20% of my time at the moment.

I’ve been a mentor for many years, and over the past year have sort of accidentally started expanding that into coaching. Currently I coach younger professionals on holistically moving their life and career towards the place they actually want to be in. Helping in similar moves and decisions that I’ve done myself. I don’t think this will become my main income, but it’s something I love and thus am prioritizing building, slowly.

Priority 3 is ‘other entrepreneurship’, getting 15% of my time.

I have so many ideas for what could be built, what would help people or solve a problem I’ve struggled with. The first real thing I built was a realtionship values -assessment, based on relationship science. It helps one figure out what are the most important things for them in a relationship, and to also communicate this to their partners. It was born from wanting something like it to help discussions in my own relationship, and it was a great first experience in building something.

Other thing I’m working on now is a skin cancer detection -app. I have a lot of moles naturally and am worried about moving under the Australian sun, wanting to have control of my own health. I’m still looking into what it would take to build this, so TBD if anything becomes of it! But I’m building in public now, whatever I do build.

And finally, priority 4 is setting up short-term income, getting 5% of my time.

I want to ensure I have the time I need to build the things I want, the way I want to. It will likely mean that I’ll need other income sources at first when in Australia. So, I have been slowly contacting headhunters and freelancing agencies in my current industry, consulting, to make myself visible and scout what opportunities there might be available. I will start utilizing those connections 1-2 months before the move.

Optimally, I would do 1 or 2 freelancing projects per 3 months, and then spend the rest of the time on building my own things. Let’s see what reality I will land on!

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TL;DR my key steps to make fantasies into a reality:

• Define a timeline to make the change, based on when you can reach your savings target

• Journal and remain honest to yourself about the process, the good and the bad

• Divide your weekly available time (no matter how much or little) to your priorities, building consistently towards your target

I will write another post on the daily habits, trials, and lessons of the different things I’m doing. Because that’s where I am. I’m trying out as many things as possible, failing, learning, and fine-tuning my plans.

In 3 months when I arrive in Australia, my goal isn’t to have a 6-figure business and a team of 7, yet. I’m going slower, at a more realistic pace.

My actual goal is to have a clear plan when I’m on the plane to Australia, on where I will spend my time on, what calls to me, what has proven to have real income potential. The (VERY) little income I’ve already generated is only a bonus.

You’ll be the first to hear about how things progress.

That’s all for today.

xx S

This is one of my free posts, I will never stop publishing them.

But reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving. And to help you, I want to provide a growing library of:

• Tools

• Frameworks

• Workbooks

• Journaling prompts

…And more! Consider upgrading to lock in the Early Bird -rate

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They responded with “Isn’t it a bit early to talk about these things? I’m not sure where I stand on it.”

Which is completely fair. But it’s also fair of me to get an early sense of whether we might want the same kind of future with someone I’m vibing with.

I brought up the topic once more, still very early in dating, mind you. But they weren’t even ready to discuss what they want in this life in regards to family, not necessarily with me but in general.

To me, that was a mismatch. Neither of us was right or wrong, we just weren’t in the same place in life.

Kids and family is just one example, and maybe the most obvious one. What we’re actually trying to discuss is:

Do the individual lives we are building match and equal an even greater life together?

With my partner, we started these discussions before we were even dating, because we started off in a long-distance relationship, with over 10,000km between us. Getting into a relationship with that much distance made no sense in either of our minds, unless we’re aligned on what we want from the future.

These are the discussions we had early on, and have continued having ever since. We also have a lot of fun with these, taking the opportunity to talk our future together into reality.

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What even is family to us?

When I met my partner, for the first time I see first-hand what it looks like when we want the same things, and aren’t afraid to talk about big topics.

For example, we talked about parenting styles before we even started dating, and it was sexy as heck. It’s been an evolving discussion ever since, but in the beginning, we started with:

• Do we want kids? How many?

• How about marriage? Do we want to get married? Why? What parts of it are important to us?

• How do we see childcare responsibilities and parental roles divided?

• How do we want to prioritize our nuclear family compared to extended family?

Just because a Mike from 2 years ago makes one feel like they’re too much for wanting to discuss the future, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Of course, with family topics especially, if both are in a place where they want to wait and see how they feel about the topic, that’s also a match. The point is to make sure no one is sacrificing by waiting for something that may never come.

Lifestyle: Fun, comfort or spirituality?

I had the challenge, in dating, that I don’t want the standard life that I see all around me. Personally, I brought up by date 3 if they would be open to living abroad, in multiple different countries. With little kids too. This already weeded out some incompatible people.

I knew that this is something I should bring up, because I want something deviating from the norm. But it’s not just the outliers that should have this discussion with their partner.

What kind of a lifestyle you both want is fundamental to... Your life.

Examples of things we discussed with my partner in the early days:

• The role of travel and adventures in our life now, and after kids – how do we keep hold of them?

• How do we want to balance living to the fullest now, and saving for the future?

• What does a ‘comfortable life’ mean to us?

• If we won the lottery, how would our life change?

• What role does religion or spirituality play for us and our family?

• How about gender roles?

• Do we want to live in the city or countryside? Why and why not?

There are millions of ways to live this life, and being aligned on it with your life partner is a predictor of how satisfied you become with your joint life.

My partner wants to buy a plot of land in New Zealand and retire there eventually. I’ve had to think hard if I would be okay with that. Of course, no retirement decisions are being made now, but if this is something I would never in a million years do, that might say something about our long-term compatibility.

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Let’s not fight about money

We accidentally aligned that we both want a prenup. It came up in a random conversation about his work as a financial advisor, and a client who had a complex divorce ongoing. According to my memory, I commented offhand:

“Oh that’s why I want a prenup. You should have these discussions when you’re happy and in love.”

I didn’t think about the comment at all, for me it was a natural thought. My partner was slightly taken aback, though.

They agreed with me, but also said that they find it weird to want to talk about the end of the marriage even before it starts.

That I also get, but I don’t see a prenup as a talk about the end. I see it as a detailed talk about the handling of finances during the marriage, which just happens to make everything clear in case things don’t work out. If you don’t think about these things, there is a high chance the government thinks about them for you.

This is a very evolving discussion for us, but some of our topics I think were useful to cover early:

• Would we want a prenup? Why or why not?

• How do we see our financial roles: Does one want to ‘provide’? Will we be more 50/50? What could this look like for us?

• How will we bring up future discussions about finances, in a way that the other one doesn’t get defensive and wants to engage?

Joint finances-talk is not about ‘who ends up winning’ but ‘how are we happy and feel like our life is on a sound foundation and fair’.

The spicy stuff

I’m frequently confused about my own friends talking about sex in a secretive way, as if it’s something to be ashamed about. Especially, when they talk about something they want to try out with their partner (thank you, BookTok), but they don’t know how to suggest it to them.

Then I realize that talking openly about sex is still not common in this day and age. Even though it’s one of the highest predictors of relationship satisfaction.

And I don’t mean the frequency, but the compatibility.

The key discussions we had, to establish there is also potential for a sexual match – while still long-distance:

• What are our favourite fantasies or things that turn us on?

• How do we like to talk about sex and learn about each other’s desires?

• What range of frequency do we see as normal or reasonable in a long-term relationship?

• How much do we appreciate novelty and trying new things?

The purpose was not to ruin the tension in person, but to make a crude estimation of match in libido and preferences. If there had been misalignment, it would have been discussed and addressed. Can we make sure both remain satisfied and neither feels like a burden?

If anything, discussing these ahead of time, increased the tension in the best possible way.

Discussing these and continuing the discussion throughout the relationship enables us to keep painting the same picture together, instead of both slipping onto our own canvases.

What have been the most or least helpful conversations you’ve had in a relationship?

That’s all for today.

xx S

This is one of my free posts, I will never stop publishing them.

But reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving. And to help you, I want to provide a growing library of:

• Tools

• Frameworks

• Workbooks

• Journaling prompts

…And more! Consider upgrading to lock in the Early Bird -rate

$1 subscription

I would be lying if I said it has been easy. I especially hate having arguments over the phone. Not being able to read their cues or expressions turns arguing into abstract art.

But there are positives too. For example, long distance has forced us to become great communicators (...most of the time). I believe there are two types of discussions that have been especially helpful.

The type in focus today I call the ‘fundamental’ discussions. They have helped turn the abstract art of arguments into a paint-by-numbers picture of a nice potted plant. The other type is ‘joint life-design’ discussions. They help us paint a picture together with my partner, instead of two different ones. More on them next week.

I didn’t realize either of these in my previous, decade long, relationship, and think they would have made all the difference.

These two posts are also a celebration. As this post goes live, we have ended the long distance with my partner, after 1 year and 2 months. We are celebrating on a little getaway in Greece, then spending a couple of months together in Europe first, before moving to Australia together. To our home that’s waiting.

The odds are against us, and you

Surprisingly few couples are very satisfied in their relationship. Around 40-60% of marriages end in divorce, and only ~30% of married people call their marriage very happy¹.

Relationships are hard work, and at least to me it hasn’t always been clear how to show up in one, in the best way. Honestly, I’m still figuring it out.

But willingness to grow together and figure out life together, even when it’s hard, has been the biggest green flag for me personally in a potential partner.

I don’t think one can have these discussions, if the other one isn’t willing. If they’re not, I try to ask questions with curiosity and no judgment. Why don’t they want to talk about it? What do they need from me, to engage in the topic?

That’s what I’ve personally done, and to be frank, it has resulted in break ups with some people. But I’ve also had friends who slowly worked on this with their partners, successfully, learning to talk about their relationship for the first time after years together.

I’m not an expert and don’t claim to have all the answers. My opinions are based on lived experience, and me and my partner both having read too many books on the topic.

We’ve tried many of the discussions and methods mentioned in the popular literature and found out what works. For us. Most of the time.

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The talks

As said, we focus on the ‘fundamentals’ in this post. They could also be called the fundamental self-awareness for a relationship.

These are discussions I first had to have with myself, because they’re my responsibility to communicate to my partner. And they’re not discussions to only have once either, but revolving topics, both with me and them.

What do I value most in this life?

I’m not always ready for every discussion.

For example, I was left pretty much speechless when my partner asked me, out of the blue, “do you know what your top values in life are?” I had never really thought about the topic.

“Uhmm, probably like family and health?”

I clearly needed to understand myself a bit better.

We proceeded to both do the personalvalu.es quiz (not affiliated in any way), discovering where we match or diverge. Our top 10s ended up looking quite similar, we both value health, security and adventures a lot. And even the apparent differences were a matter of perception, after discussing them.

The discussion has been helpful to understand what drives my partner in life, and to explain what drives me. Why do we do what we do. What might our worst fears revolve around.

I don’t think one needs to share exactly the same values with one’s partner, though.

I’ve witnessed people very happy in a relationship where they don’t share the same core values, respecting each other’s space to live how they want to, while getting to do the same.

But their choice to do this has been intentional. By design.

Our discussion of the values has continued over time, and even led to me creating a quiz to help in identifying and discussing one’s relationship values.

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What can break the relationship?

In my experience, surprisingly few people discuss their boundaries in depth with their partner. Not just the boundaries around cheating, which is a bit more common, but all boundaries in a relationship.

By my definition, a boundary is something that shouldn’t be crossed. Because if it is, something in the relationship breaks a little bit. The challenge with boundaries is that they feel so fundamental, that it’s hard to see which ones are also clear to my partner.

For example, in a relationship I want it to be ‘us against the world’. I’m extremely content on my own, and don’t see the point of teaming up unless it’s a team as strong as I am with myself.

So, for me, a clear boundary is that our team, us as a unit, is never belittled, or demeaned. This also means that my partner doesn’t talk bad about me behind my back, or present us as a burden.

Not even jokingly in the sense of “The ball and chain doesn’t allow me to go to the concert”.

Nope. In my opinion, language and words bleed into reality, eventually.

I’m not someone who restricts the person I’m with, so in this example situation the likely more accurate phrasing would be:

‘Sorry can’t go, right now I’m prioritizing saving for a trip together with my partner.’

The difference is huge to me. And I know it’s not self evident to everyone. Thus, it’s my responsibility to make sure we’re aligned on this with my partner.

What am I still working on with myself?

In our relationship, most of the challenging moments happen because one of us is triggered. There usually isn’t anything ‘wrong’, as neither is being malicious or intending to hurt. But the hurt felt is still real.

For example, I’m very triggered by fast endings to conversations. While my partner just thinks the discussion was concluded, he can move onto the next topic. But I feel like he abandoned me in the discussion. Left me alone. (Which is not true.)

In normal topics, it’s just annoying. In important topics, I might be truly hurt and angry at him.

But they don’t know anything was wrong.

It’s my responsibility to notice and understand my triggers. They are mine to work on, not a reason for my partner to walk on eggshells with me.

I need to be able to explain, what’s going on inside my head.

“Baby, the way that important conversation was concluded so quickly triggered my abandonment issues a little bit, I would appreciate it if we can conclude a topic like that with a quick moment of reassurance. That would help me regulate myself.”

And they would love to help me.

I’m also responsible for distinguishing my boundaries from my triggers. They can seem and feel similar, as both come with strong emotional reactions. I’m in charge of regulating myself in both situations, but when a real boundary is crossed it also needs to be addressed with my partner.

I’m not claiming that our relationship is perfect or that we even remember these fundamentals every day. But I have noticed that they can have a visible difference in my relationship satisfaction. Both in the moment, as well as long-term.

Let me know, do you recognize these fundamentals in your relationships? Do you agree, or disagree?

That’s all for today

xx S

This is one of my free posts, that I will never stop publishing.

But reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving. And to help you, I want to provide a growing library of:

• Tools

• Frameworks

• Workbooks

• Journaling prompts

…And more! Consider upgrading to lock in the Early Bird -rate

$1 subscription

Most leaders have zero clue what they’re doing.

Personally, I find this knowledge incredibly liberating. We’re all just winging it, and that’s okay. My impostor syndrome had vanished by the end of year 2.

Now these leaders are taking the big companies into the age of AI, and we have huge headlines on ‘AI layoffs’.

Based on what I’m seeing, that’s a bit alarming. Majority of companies have been sitting on AI for 4 years now, debating it in boardrooms, having only figured out how to do a semi-functioning chatbot and perhaps automated invoice ingestion.

AI is changing our society, yes. The effects are even broader than is obvious at first glance. And yes, our careers are changing too.

But the change isn’t coming as quickly or in the ways the headlines are suggesting.

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The myth of AI layoffs

The numbers don’t lie.

AI is cited as the reason or one of the reasons for over 20% of the US corporate layoffs in 2026. In 2022 (when first viral ChatGPT came out), the number was zero.

Actually wait, the numbers do lie.

There is a gross over-emphasis of the AI-effect on the recent mass layoffs. AI is a handy wrapper, that looks really good to shareholders:

The leadership of these companies is, at large, rewarded for one thing: short-term increases in stock prices. Good stories are how you increase it.

It’s still not fake news that people are getting laid off. There are real reasons for it.

Many companies (especially in the tech sector) have been hiring at unsustainable levels for years. For example, the hiring boom after the pandemic. Especially in tech jobs, as e-everything exploded after quarantines changed how people live.

Astounding market growth, and hiring for that growth.

Right now, the economy genuinely isn’t doing as well as it was e.g. four years ago. Even as companies keep hitting all-time records, people are getting more and more worried.

They are worried about the sustainability of the AI bubble, and worry alone can derail the growth of the market. So, the companies are taking action by building guardrails and cutting costs.

Unfortunately, employees are usually among the first costs to go.

I don’t agree with the approach at all, but have seen it first hand: employees are the fastest cost cut you can make, as the results show as soon as next month. And leadership gets their bonuses.

There is a piece of truth to AI replacing human jobs though, especially in engineering-related ones. But this is exactly the pattern that happens in every boom.

During the railroad-boom, all the related jobs were heavily overstaffed and oversaturated. The workforce was critical at the time, but was never meant to stay for the long haul. When the crash came, most lost their jobs, and had to retrain for something else. Something that isn’t (hopefully) a product of a boom.

The fear that AI will take one’s job has increased from 28% to 40% since 2024, and getting an entry-level job has never been this hard. In the US, 7 out of 10 Americans fear AI-driven layoffs.

The “AI-driven” in front of the layoffs isn’t exactly accurate, but the fear is real.

That fear will remain, until you do something about it.

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The new skill portfolio

… Pretty much equals entrepreneurship.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. What to learn and do when the industries and employment are changing under our eyes?

Especially, as the relevance of the whole consulting industry is being questioned due to AI.

The evidence I’m seeing is pointing to consulting getting a new shape instead of disappearing, perhaps just quicker than many other industries.

The more interesting part is what is being done with the people left. Because if one industry is a pure example of the entire product being the people, that’s consulting.

That’s why I see these move as indicators for the future skills demand. In all industries.

The first and most important skill to mention isn’t a skill exactly. It’s something that keeps popping up in every single recruitment I’m a part of: Entrepreneurial experience is becoming golden.

Not experience from a successful Unicorn (then you probably aren’t applying for a consultancy), but from the failed companies.

I think this also reflects the way all industries are changing, with digitalization and AI: Ownership and flexibility in the face of adversity and change is the new black.

Not to mention, that as entry-level jobs are getting harder and harder to find, some version of freelancing or multiple income streams might just be the rational thing to do as well. It’s a natural continuation to the breaking of the “work for one company your whole life” model.

So, the new skill portfolio could be almost summarized into ‘entrepreneurship’. What does that specifically mean?

More extensive version of these with examples and exercises in the end

#1 AI skills for the average joe

An obvious one.

But aim to become a non-technical builder, not a user. Simply being a “user” tends to lead to cognitive decline, and it isn’t even a skill to be honest.

The most important part of this is understanding AI and its capabilities, without becoming the technical person.

In my company, we are actively trained on the possibilities and applications. But if we have a great idea for a tool to build, we’re directed to the internal technical team.

So what does it mean to ‘understand AI’? It means that you know enough to ask questions.

“I heard that AI can now do financial modelling, should we implement it into our workflows?”

“I organize my personal emails with an AI agent, could we have something similar here? It would save me 4-5 hours weekly.”

I’m not saying everyone needs to become an inventor, but if you don’t know what questions, you don’t know enough.

In addition, the “basic tier” building skills are valuable too: How to build AI skills, agents, vibe coding tools and so on. This is comparable to being able to use all M365 tools together, and have a few shortcuts in each. Not everyone can do it, but it helps.

#2 Making sound judgements

Every recruiting conversation I’m part of now circles the same question: can this person be trusted to actually make the call, or just gather the inputs for someone else to make it?

Judgement is essentially critical thinking with a conclusion: taking all the data, questioning it, and coming to a conclusion based on it. I can’t see humans delegating this to a machine. Not in a world where we have to stand behind the decisions we make, where a person has to be accountable.

Orchestration is the skill of doing this across multiple topics or projects at once. A lot more varied tasks are moving under a single job descriptions, done by “AI enabled humans”.

The bad news is that working experience really is amazing for developing this. The good news is, that this can also be studied. And the experience can be gathered by going out there, to f*** around and find out.

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#3 Have taste and style

A surprising up-and-comer. We see this even in consulting. It’s a by-product of all jobs being creative in the end (hello? Creative problem solving?)

In a world where AI does a lot of the execution, we need to become the creative directors. Of the pitch decks. Of the articles. Of the financial models.

This means building your own distinctive way of doing the work. If you’re generic, don’t have opinions or fit into the beige mush, AI can do what you’re doing. And you’re also losing your cognitive skills while not using your brain.

You can start building this by learning critical thinking and having some opinions. On everything. Think about what looks and sounds good, and how you’d do it differently.

#4 Build human skills

We are already seeing an increase in demand for almost every single form of physical presence and human connection. Running clubs. Physical books. “The third place”. That is the trend.

Interpersonal skills have always mattered a lot for your career, but their role is only growing as people get tired of talking to This means taking high-impact moments to make it clear that you’re giving them human attention. For example, call instead of sending an email when collecting feedback.

It also means the traditional things of remembering people’s names and their kids’ names, proactively meeting new people, and showing your real personality to make sure they remember you. [Plug to post 2]

Bonus: Physical and trade skills

I can’t speak to this one based on my own experience, but I can analyse the salary data. Hence, trade skills make my list as an honorary mention.

The skills that machines can’t do for a while yet are coming into fashion. And of course, if you’re a small entrepreneur doing a physical trade... It’s likely that you’ll win bigger.

We can see this new age of having to take more ownership of your career and income as scary and unfair, or we can see what is happening and adapt to it.

We won’t get houses for pennies and jobs we work our whole lives to support a family of 5 on a single income.

But maybe, we get to build careers and lives that look more like us, feel more like us, and make the struggle to get them worth it.

That’s all for today.

xx S

Below for paid subscribers: a workbook to work on the new critical skills, before you’re forced to.

There are exercises to develop your professional AI skills, judgement, taste and style and human connections.

The Workbook for building modern skills is below, for paid subscribers only. Now available at the Early Bird -rate

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Every discussion on something that doesn’t actually mean anything (how to visualize the slide to be less green), or a simple task that requires 5 grown-ass people (sending an email), and I just stare blankly at what I’m seeing, screaming internally.

That’s not great for team dynamics.

And sometimes, I feel like that in my personal life too.

That’s more rare, and it happens because I’m in this moment in between: I’ve taken my head out of the sand, and the changes are in progress.

And the progress is the hardest part to understand for the sand people.

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Why do we go on Autopilot

So to start, it’s important you understand: our society is built for the people living 2 feet deep in coarse Earth material. I call it “being on autopilot.”

Most people, one, don’t realize they’re on autopilot, two, don’t see the incentives to escape it, and three, have no imagination to see a different kind of life.

If they want to stay there, by all means. This is for the ones who don’t.

So, #1: why can’t you see that you’re on autopilot?

Easy. Autopilot isn’t a conscious choice you make; it’s a very long string of choices you start making before you learn to think critically. There’s no specific decision you can notice yourself making to get out of the cycle. Instead, you keep making the same small decisions: choosing the same boss you have, the city you live in, the mortgage and “busy” schedule.

Did you know that you can move cities purely because you hate the weather? It’s not that deep.

At least for me, all these small decisions since I was born led to competence and success. The daily or weekly doses of dopamine from little successes and realizing you’re good at what you do... That’s addictive.

Why would you question something you’re amazing at?

Especially when the people around you are also on the same autopilot.

They congratulate you for the success, clearly agree with your life choices, give you even more dopamine through validation, and your life is so easy to fit into theirs. And into the wider society.

So, it’s not that easy to see you’re there, when you’re busy ticking the boxes and happy with yourself.

#2: The incentives to stay on autopilot are also easy and straightforward.

I have a friend who has been thinking about leaving corporate for quite a while, but she feels like she can’t change her life while working 12 hours, 6 days a week, on top of everything else she’s responsible for. And that’s fair.

What’s working there are the short-term incentives of the traditional path.

As you’re busy living in the cycle of work and recovery, you might not notice that your daily life is something you need to recover from. That’s the price for certainty, conforming, and comfort.

It’s uncomfortable to turn off the mode running your whole life, because now you have to start making all those automatic decisions yourself.

You have to think and question your thinking. That’s hard. And the incentives to do that are longer-term and feel more uncertain.

#3: And then there is the challenge of seeing what could be.

People are notoriously bad at seeing into the future. Our own lack of imagination prevents us from seeing what could be.

Our brains are made to maximize efficiency, which means it takes short-cuts. Our thinking is mostly formed by the experiences and real-world examples we have.

Why would you see that you’re in autopilot, if everyone else is too?

Why would you change it, if you haven’t seen anyone else succeed in it?

I fully believe that you’re the combination of the 10 people you interact with most, and that might be a part of the issue.

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How do we get off Autopilot

I’ve made it to the place where I see others’ heads in the sand.

I’m in the process of completely changing my environment, relationships and career. So far, I’ve achieved days that look more like me and a clear, but hard and uphill, path to live my dream.

Unsurprisingly, you first need to figure out if you’re on autopilot.

And if you are, in which areas of your life?

For those who want to step deeper, I have the detailed steps with AI prompts below

Start by figuring out your core values in life and ranking at least the top 10 in numbered order. This could be a thinking exercise, journalling, or you could do what I did and use this site: personalvalu.es (I am not affiliated with them in any way).

It’s not going to be easy. At least for me, ranking family and health against each other required real thinking. But then I realized that even my family doesn’t get the best from me if I don’t have my health.

That’s the thinking that needs to happen.

When you have your values though, you need to audit your life, and see if you’re living according to them.

For me, this was in the form of a time audit: taking my calendar and my top 15 values, and marking where each block of time contributed positively or negatively to my core values.

This is where the real alarm bells went off for me: I was trading my health and time with my loved ones for money and “success.”

That was the values -part.

Then to figure out in which parts of my life the autopilot is on, I imagined my ideal day in 5-10 years. In detail. What does the room I wake up in look like? Who do I wake up next to? What do I do with my morning, my day, my evening?

Through this, I could pinpoint the parts of my vision I am not working towards, and the things I’m doing now that aren’t taking me where I want to go.

Then, you need a target state and a plan for change

From the vision you just stated for your future, you now have a target state. If you’re not happy with it, go back and fine-tune it.

Based on this, you need to define what you really want to change, and set priorities for getting there.

My thinking on this deserves a full post, but in short:

• Target and timeline: I will move in 6 months (3 left, eek!), work fully remotely or for myself in 2 years

• Plan for the in-between: I’m okay working while building my own thing, but I will shift to freelance rather than corporate

• Clear steps (that I know will change):

  • Testing business ideas and learning to build and distribute (this is where I’m at)

  • Trigger point at which I fully stop working for others

  • Scaling (this is just a word on paper now, with vague ideas)

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Once you do have a target and a plan, you do 2 things to start changing your life.

One: Start doing little, easy things that take you there

I’m not an advocate for huge changes all at once. Those work for some, but I’ve failed in every instant huge change I’ve tried to make.

So, the key is to start doing small things, preferably stuck together.

You want to become an entrepreneur?

Define how much time you can dedicate to it, right now, every week. For me this is 15-30 minutes, right before work. I stacked the habit to something I do everyday: my day job.

To eventually take the leap, I also need to save money, consistently, only for the purpose of eventually taking the leap. I figured out how much I can save and set the automatic monthly transfers the moment the salary hits.

You want to take your health into your own hands?

Figure out with your doctor (or AI) the lowest-effort, highest-value things you can start doing. I never stuck to a full diet, but I did succeed in cutting out sugar on weekdays.

For me, focusing on health also meant adding movement to my workdays. Full workouts wasn’t attainable during intense periods, but movement was. Taking a meeting while walking. Going to the office gym in my office clothes before work, just to stretch and do 7 squats.

All of that was better than what I was already doing.

And the thing about these small habits is that they compound.

It’s not sexy or quick, but at least my life is already looking completely different in 6 months.

Two: Increase your exposure to the kind of life you want

One major factor keeping you in autopilot was the fact that everyone else around you is too.

I’m not telling you to cut out all your friends.

I’m also not telling you to move continents like I am.

But you can:

• Start a new hobby that aligns with the future you, if you want more fun, go dancing. Get rich, consider tennis or golf. And ask the people there out for coffee.

• Take a solo trip, and meet people through dating apps (romantic or friend version), Airbnb experiences, or just by talking to people

• Find people in your city who do what you want to do, and ask them for lunch. Some people will decline, but someone will say yes. This might be your new best friend. I’ve messaged people on LinkedIn, sent emails, and chatted with random people I thought seemed interesting.

• Do one small thing daily that increases your exposure. That could be reading a newsletter, or one of the small actions you just defined a few paragraphs ago. The goal is also to show yourself what the new life will look like.

• If you’re in a relationship, talk to your partner about wanting to make gradual changes. Explain why, and what you’re working toward. If they’re aligned with your vision, you can start changing your joint circles, pastimes, and where you travel.

Pick one of them and do it today, or at least this week. Just one.

And once you start moving, I can tell you; the journey already in itself is worth it (even when it’s hard).

That’s all for today.

xx S

The prompts to see if you’re in autopilot, and in which areas of your life:

The Prompts To Get You Out Of Autopilot

3.64MB ∙ PDF file

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I’m currently building the paid tier because reading about life design isn’t enough, you need to get moving. And I want to hand over to you more of what I’m using, in real time.

That means going deeper into the frameworks I write about here, a growing library of the tools (like the prompts above) and frameworks, and more.

And to the ones of you who are already locked in, before you’d even seen what this would become, thank you. <3

It’s integrated into my life already, and it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

Except: somewhere behind that one AI summary, a company is on track to lose $21 billion this year. And whether you notice it or not, you’re already touched by the outcome of the AI bet.

AI isn’t one thing. It’s chips and chatbots and layoffs and your pension, all at once, and most days I can’t tell which piece is the one I should be thinking about.

So I’m writing about it. And what it means for your own life design.

This is the first AI piece from me, a bit different to what I usually write. It’s bigger, more looking at the ‘high level’. But it’s also necessary to start with.

All views presented in this post are my own, based on my own research. I am not an expert, this is how I understand it.

The Arms Race

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First of all, when we look at the AI landscape, there are two interconnected areas we should be paying attention to: I call them the Enablers and the End-use.

The key difficulty in seeing where AI and our world will end up, is that there is real tension between the Enablers and End-use: nobody actually knows if this will pay off, but if they don’t bet on it, it definitely won’t.

It’s a chicken and egg problem, where the chicken might explode and the egg might be rotten or pure gold. You just can’t be sure.

And yet most are acting like they’re sure. That’s the Arms Race

The Enablers

No Enablers, no AI boom. We have had most of the research and information on AI for decades, and there is a reason why the boom happened in the past years specifically. To build AI, we need money and resources.

Enabler 1: Your investments and pension

Let’s start with the money.

Simply put, all this build-out in such a short timespan (the first viral ChatGPT came out in late 2022) is done on money that the companies, or even nations, don’t actually have yet.

OpenAI and companies like it are broke

Meta, Microsoft, Amazon and Google alone, so only the top four companies alone, are on track to spend $725 billion on AI infrastructure in 2026. They do this largely from their own profits.

Meanwhile, the AI labs actually building the cutting-edge models, think OpenAI and Anthropic, are barely breaking even, or are losing huge amounts of money. OpenAI clocked an operating loss of $21 billion in 2025¹, and its losses are expected to keep adding up before it turns a profit, if it does, sometime around 2030².

They’re funding the Arms Race.

After ChatGPT went viral, companies formed the conviction that they need to do crazy things or get left behind. So, they did crazy things.

Imagine you own a bakery. Instead of a customer paying cash for bread, you lend them the money. And they use that money to buy your bread.

Your books now show a sale and a happy customer. And even a loan you’ll get interest on. But no new money entered the system. You just moved your own money in a circle and called it revenue.

Now call the customer ‘AI companies’. The bakery is ‘chip makers and cloud companies’.

For example, Nvidia (chip company) announced $30 billion investment in OpenAI⁴, who were raising money to buy the kind of hardware Nvidia sells, among other things. AMD gave OpenAI a chance to acquire a 10% stake in itself, through buying AMD’s chips⁵.

In some cases, the ‘investment’ isn’t even real cash⁶.

And then the finance bros step in

Building the actual bakery (e.g. the data centre) still needs real money for the building and the ovens.

For that, this time the bakery needs a loan, and goes to a bank. Or, increasingly, to a newer kind of lender that works almost like a bank, but has to follow far fewer rules (also called shadow banks⁷).

One bakery’s new building alone needed $27 billion just for construction⁸, and it’s more expensive for the banks to take that risk after the rules got stricter post-2008 crisis⁹.

That newer, less regulated lender doesn’t want to hold onto all that risk either. So, it cuts the loan into smaller pieces that are easier to sell, and proceeds to sell them off.

Buyers include other lenders, insurance companies, and eventually, ordinary pension funds. Maybe even yours. One analyst called this exact structure a dead ringer for what banks did right before 2008.

But is it 2008 again? Probably not. These newer lenders have much bigger cash cushions relative to what they’ve borrowed, and the money is a lot harder to pull out overnight. So, a bad year is unlikely to wipe them out.

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But to play the devil’s advocate: ‘probably not’ is what everyone said last time too.

And there are cracks showing. These newer lenders have started capping and freezing how much people can withdraw of their own money.

You can already feel a bit of nervousness creeping in.

Investors are getting harder and harder to impress¹⁰. And many are worried¹¹, not because anything has actually gone wrong yet, but worry alone can be enough to turn a wobble into a real fall.

And the problem concerns a large number of companies, in addition to OpenAI.

Brand new AI companies, some without even a real product yet, are getting investor money at prices that don’t make sense. One startup was valued at one price, and then, just weeks later, valued 70 times higher¹².

Same company, same product. Just more excitement.

But history also shows that people can even correctly spot a bubble (and there is no consensus AI is one yet¹³) years before it actually bursts, and predicting a burst timing or its magnitude is almost impossible.

This not financial advice, I’m far from qualified to give it.

Enabler 2: Your data, your environment, your cost of living

Then, about the resources. There are more than these three needed, but the key resources: Data, physical computing power, and energy.

With these, you should be considering: Your data privacy, environment, and cost of living.

Every text, every search, every 3am doomscroll: data. And you’ve been handing it over for years. Many log everything about their lives online and into the cloud, and many also have (unintentionally) allowed the big companies and nations to use our data.

What did Elon Musk gain when buying Twitter? Buckets and buckets of data, on people’s thoughts, to train Grok, the AI model built by his AI company xAI, which later merged with X itself.

That’s also how AI is now improving at such an accelerated rate, we’re pouring data into it.

That’s data. Then there are the physical computing power and energy needed for it. For many of us this seems a bit arbitrary. My laptop isn’t large at all? Isn’t computing in the cloud?

Even the cloud needs somewhere physical to run.

There are over 3000 data centres already in the US as of March 2026, with ~1,500 more planned. Data centres are huge, about the size of two football fields. The biggest ones, built for AI, are four to ten times the normal size.^14,15

They need all that extra room for cooling and power systems, not just the computers themselves. And the number of these mega data centres has roughly doubled every four years since around 2020.¹⁴

And the energy prices that have started surging?

That you might have already felt. Using the US as an example, electricity prices have gone up by 40% since 2021¹⁶, also pushed by data centers.

It’s not stopping any time soon either. A typical large AI facility uses as much electricity as 100,000 US homes¹⁷. And the biggest ones, like Meta’s Hyperion project in Louisiana, will use as much as 4 million US homes^{18, 19}.

And this isn’t even considering yet the millions of Liters of water needed²⁰ for cooling, or the lifestyle-quality impacts of the data centre build-out.

So that’s the Enablers: what has made the boom possible and what it looks like when we’re running after profit like headless chickens.

So now you know. Why your $20 subscription doesn’t add up. Why your electricity bill crept up. Why some of this might already be sitting in your pension.

But it still doesn’t answer the actual question: if it’s this expensive, this risky, this uncertain, why does anyone keep running? That’s the End-use, and it’s more inspiring. Part 2, coming next week.

Tell me I’m wrong, I’d like to know.

That’s all for today,

xx S

I post thought-pieces like these every once in a while, and I write about AI in my publication under all of the different topics

Feel free to comment on or share this newsletter so more Substack users can find it

In summer 2024 we were resting after a long day of walking, lying in our tiny hotel room that one only can be happy with in Tokyo. And out of nowhere she said:

For context, I had been fully off dating (or anything adjacent) for three years at that point, ‘focusing on myself,’ recovering from a relationship that had drained me completely. That summer I’d decided I was ready again.

And my friend heard that writing a list like this had manifested the perfect man for a friend of hers. I wasn’t convinced:

“No way, what would be the point? I don’t have an ideal type. I just like great humans, and could be happy with anyone with whom we match on vision and values.”

My friend called me out on that immediately. Everyone has their own idea of the ideal.

The idea sounded fun at least. So, I wrote the list, giggling as if I was in my teens and not late twenties.

The full list can be viewed here, for humorous purposes only.

The list ended up being 72 points

So much for not having a type, eh?

24 of these were non-negotiable, 48 negotiable. If you didn’t view the list, I can tell you that in my opinion, it was very reasonable (mostly). The non-negotiables included attributes such as kind, great manners, emotionally available, proud to be with me. Nothing too crazy actually.

On the negotiables-side there were more far-reaching qualities, like older than me or mature, has great style, is at least 10cm taller than me, is wealthy, etc.

I definitely could see my future with people who didn’t match the whole list. The point was to not end up with someone I’m misaligned with. Or who doesn’t treat me as they should.

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From paper to execution

How did I then use the list? I love lists, so it definitely wasn’t forgotten. But I only pulled it out after a few dates. Most of the things on the list can’t even be evaluated until I have gotten to know the person.

So, I put myself out there, found interesting people, agreed to dates, focused on truly getting to know the people I dated.

Then I would go back to my list and do a little reality check. Are they slowly ticking the boxes? Treating me well? Showing signs of compatibility?

Only if I started to realize that they aren’t up to par with my non-negotiables, did I let the connection go. I give my all in relationships, fall head over heels, and commit to my core. I needed some discernment in whom I give that to.

I was beyond excited when a month after the list was made, I was dating someone who ticked 49 out of 72. Almost 70% of the list. That already felt like a win.

After dating them for two months, it turned out they didn’t fulfill the non-negotiable of emotional availability. It didn’t last.

Next guy I dated seemed to tick 55 out of 72. Incredible. Things were just getting better.

Then there was Mr. 60 (a disaster). And then Mr. 58.

Needless to say, none of these lasted for more than a month or two, usually because of my non-negotiables.

And then... I met my person.

Love on the list?

The full story of how we met is a post for another time, but for context we met while I was travelling in New Zealand. Yes, the most distant corner of the world.

We met and connected, maybe flirted a little bit, but lived on different sides of the world. The connection remained after the trip though, and we would chat once or twice a month on Instagram DMs.

After 3 months of occasional chatting, I pulled out the list. I told myself that I didn’t really think anything would ever become of us... But I still checked the list. This seems to indicate that I was lying to myself.

He was looking quite good against the list, even if I didn’t fully know him yet. But I was definitely intrigued further.

About a month after that list check, things started to escalate. We were suddenly talking daily, hanging out on long phone calls. I was falling in love, and felt crazy for it. (Remember the fact about living on different continents.)

So my heart knew it without any lists. But I did check again anyways, expecting to realize that I had lost my head and forgotten to look for signals of something important.

I was astounded. He actually checked every. Single. Item. On the list.

Fast forward over a year, and we are still together. We have since travelled the world, and will now live together from October onwards.

My best friend remains insufferable about the list.

xx S

Feel free to like or comment on this newsletter so more Substack users can find it

Through long distance we have learned how to align with your partner even over long distance. I also built a tool to help you understand your core needs in a relationship.

Who comforts you?

Something in how I was brought up made me into a little girl very sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotional states. And I don’t just mean that I’m empathetic. That too, but it goes further. Somewhere along the way I internalized that I need to adjust myself to what other people are feeling.

I carried that over to my adulthood. And accidentally killed several relationships.

Result: a professional feelings-manager

I’m not a mental health professional. But I have spent incalculable hours reading about relationships and sitting in therapy.

I have many faults, or ‘issues’, but the most detrimental to previous relationships has been not just a need, but a subconscious drive to manage other people’s feelings.

In hopes that then they won’t leave me, that they will see my worth and how easy I am to be with.

That approach seems to work at first, I am very easy to be with. But sooner or later my needs will be lost and forgotten, because I’m not voicing them. Now I’m unhappy, and it’s quite likely we break up.

And after the break-up, I will feel like ‘couldn’t fix it’. So now the break-up has accidentally further reinforced my internal belief that I was too much, or not ‘easy’ enough.

So... This just got worse for years.

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It leads to a slow death

At one point I found myself 7 years into a relationship, and unhappy. That’s when I started reading up on relationship science and other literature (yes, 5 love languages and Gottman) to figure out why.

I realized that my most essential needs and ways of connecting weren’t being met. I need consistent non-sexual touch, and appreciative words to feel loved.

I also realized that I was carrying most of the emotional load, supporting them emotionally, without receiving as much support as I needed.

As a result, I often felt like my feelings were a burden to them, while what I would have needed was some extra reassurance of their love when I was feeling vulnerable and spent.

No matter how I tried to communicate these needs not being met – and that I don’t feel loved – my partner didn’t want to understand what they could do differently. They were adamant that saying a lot of affectionate, loving words isn’t natural to them, and that I was trying to change who they are.

They kept on wishing, thinking that I would get back to being easy and low maintenance, just happy with how things are.

But I wasn’t happy. And turns out, for us it was too late to try and change this after 7 years. I did still try to get my needs met for two more whole years.

And at the 9-year mark they were very surprised when I said I wanted to end things.

I have no regrets, but many lessons

After the relationship I was so depleted that it took me 3 years to start dating again. It felt dangerous to give that much of myself to anyone again.

During those 3 years I read even more and learned. Went to therapy. Saw where I could have done better.

Through the hours in therapy, there have been three key things that I have learned and keep having to relearn:

First, I learned that when listening to other people’s feelings, I should focus on understanding, not internalizing. Their feelings are about them, not me.

Second, I learned to notice what I need and am feeling, formulating that into words or even better, into concrete asks. And then I allowed myself to always voice them, rather than keeping them in. If they can’t handle my hardest moments, they don’t deserve my best.

Third, I learned to stay firm on my boundaries. If I say I need something, I don’t let it get forgotten. If I say something hurts me, I bring it up and request for accountability. And if boundaries truly are broken, I respect myself enough to leave.

All of these are still difficult for me. I often find myself slipping into the old habit.

And maybe the biggest thing I’ve achieved is that I don’t scold myself for being imperfect anymore.

Instead, I close my eyes and hug the little girl that learned these mechanisms to cope with some kind of hurt. And I love her for who she is and who she has become.

Now, so does he.

That’s all for today.
xx S

Feel free to like or comment on this newsletter so more Substack users can find it

Through my years of research, therapy and now building a relationship that I am in love with, I’m building a tool to help you understand and rank your core needs in a relationship.

Then she commented that I have changed a lot, in a good way, over the past year especially. And I couldn’t agree more.

I often hear people tell stories about the years they changed their lives. But the stories only come after the fact, after they have digested everything. So, this is a few stories and lessons as I’m still going through it.

Nine lessons in six months. One of them from an ICU bed in Thailand. And what I’ve changed based on them.

1. I’m not as good at being alone as I thought

I was in a scooter accident this spring in Thailand, that resulted in a few days in the hospital. As I was laying in the hospital bed, I was crying my eyes out for the first 12 hours. The nurses were getting nervous, not sure what to do with me (they were wonderful and did their best though).

After the 12 hours my partner was allowed to join me in my ICU room. And suddenly I breathed easier. I could laugh again.

Suddenly I wasn’t the independent first-born daughter, I was a child needing someone to care for me. And I realized for the first time in almost 30 years: I do need people, and that’s a good thing.

Now: I push myself to intentionally ask for help more, letting myself rely on people. When I’m doing anything, big or small, I ask myself: Do I really have to do this alone?

2. I’m not living according to my #1 value

After the few days in the hospital, there were many weeks more of recovery. And I really struggled to not be at work, to allow myself to take time to heal.

Then I realized that health is my #1 value, and nothing will burn down while I’m on sick leave for a couple of weeks. If it (seems like it) does, the problem is bigger than my absence.

Now: I confidently communicate to others when I need time to recover, be that from work overload or relationship stress, and am clear about what I need.

3. My self-worth is tied to being productive

I sometimes tend to connect my worth and identity quite ferociously into a title, a role, an achievement. And I think I’m not alone in this. But they’re not who I am, just what I do.

My yoga teacher always closes the class by saying:

“And now allow yourself to shift from human doing, into human being.”

Now: I intentionally embrace boredom and stop myself from inventing tasks when I have the chance to just be for a moment. I grab a book or draw instead.

4. I can choose to embrace pain to enable growth

Since healing from the accident, Q2 of 2026 has been filled with preparations to make the move to Australia, leaving everything I know behind.

For me the feelings about it go in waves: Most of the time I’m excited and feeling ready. But quite often something hits me and I realize that I’m not ready at all. It’s scary, painful and uncomfortable.

But there has been no time in my life, where I have grown without being uncomfortable. Many of my proudest and formative moments are some of the least comfortable.

Now: I’m embracing the uncertainty and risk as an intentional move to enable growth, finding out more about who I really am. And I remind myself of that in the tough moments.

5. Context shifting can lead to burnout

I have been focusing on so many things lately, most of them amazing and exciting. There’s my corporate job, building my own thing, relationships, travel, housework... After a certain limit it becomes exhausting, and for me it has been a learning curve of how not to burn out while building the life I want.

Now: I have learned to divide my time into as big blocks as possible, preferably half days at least, dedicated to one thing / topic. And I have started scheduling myself breathing room, for example between my day job and the evening shift of what I actually want to work on.

6. Your mind takes action immediately after a decision

Right after I made the choice to uproot my life, my focus on my current life has visibly decreased. Every once in a while, I need to intentionally shift my focus into my present life.

In other words, every decision affects my mind. Every decision I make either takes me towards or away from the life I want.

Now: I pause every week or few, and take a moment to journal about who I want to be and where I want to go, and if I’m living by that. And then I plan for minor adjustments for myself, by noting down a few things I should do more of, what less. As a result, the course corrections I notice I need are getting smaller and smaller.

7. I want more human connection, but to be less connected

Is it age, or something else? Who knows. But I am progressively more and more annoyed with being expected to always have my phone with me, and that I am expected to be reachable through most hours of the day.

I don’t want to be reachable. I don’t want to be constantly connected.

I want to be offline and in the moments, connecting with the humans around me.

Now: I leave my phone a few meters from me as often as possible. If I need to get something done, I take my laptop to the kitchen and leave the phone in the living room. I leave my phone in my bag – not on the table – when with people I want to focus on.

8. I’m actually not healed from my anxiety

I have a tendency towards both anxious attachment and generally being anxious over life. Having worked on this for years, I was under the illusion that it has gotten significantly better.

Turned out, that it just didn’t flare up as often, because I was in my comfort zone. The anxiety is back, triggered by the upcoming move, having been in a new role at work for the past year, and thinking about next steps in life more seriously (i.e. kids).

Now: Noticing when I get into anxiety, and journal about it or talk to an AI, with the goal of separating what is real, and what is the story I’m telling myself that triggers anxiety.

For example, I’m so scared about my body changing when I become a mother. The real part: My body will change. The false story I tell myself: That it’ll change for the worse, or I will be less desirable to my partner.

9. Being a creature of comfort doesn’t equal spending

Thinking about the life I want in detail has made me realize that I don’t need that much to be happy. The money goes into showing off to people I don’t care about, through things and experiences that I don’t really enjoy.

So, while I do love comfort (I’m a Taurus after all), for me it means stability, freedom to do as I choose, occasional nap and a home that feels like home.

Now: For every purchase, I ask myself, who is it for? What does it make me feel? If it’s for me and makes me happy or excited, that’s good. If it’s to show off to others, and makes me fear being left out if I don’t have it, that’s not so good.

That’s all for today.

xx S

My measure of success: increasing opportunities to learn and get responsibility, and an income that has doubled every two to four years.

I’ve also changed companies and teams multiple times, chasing steeper learning curves and faster income trajectories. But that’s a tactic, not a pillar. It follows from everything below.

This is what has worked for me.

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Ask for it

The more delusion and self belief you have, the better.

Let me tell you a true story of a CEO of a large company with thousands of employees, and millions and millions in revenue. I have worked in consulting for years, though for confidentiality, this was not my own client.

They were such a strong leader, that not many in the organization could go against their word. But they were also leading the company in a direction that was eating both the growth and the profits. The decline in both was in double digits.

Some employees had great ideas, the same ones consultants ended up suggesting. But they weren’t heard, because the CEO was the one steering the ship.

Later, I did read that he got fired, but only after years of mismanagement.

They were not in that position because they were the most qualified person in the job. They were the one who convinced the right people that they were the right person for the job.

And this story unfolds again and again, in companies we think must be well managed because they make millions.

That’s because companies hire on conviction, not just merit. That also means that you asking for more money, or a bit more senior position isn’t far fetched. It also won’t be the most outrageous ask the company agrees to.

So ask for it.

Believe in your own abilities

You don’t have to believe that you are the best person to do it (applause if you do believe that), but that you can do it. Are you someone who can get the job done, and relatively well at that? Yes you are.

If you’re not that sure about your own abilities, I would recommend to start tracking your wins. You can do that in any part of your life, but let’s stay in the realm of working life for a moment.

You got good feedback? Win. You got the job done ahead of schedule? Win. The result passed with little to no comments or modifications? Win. Someone else was interested to hear more? Win. You helped someone else to excel in their part? Win-win.

All of these little things, amongst others, are signs that you are competent at what you do. You will need that belief in the next bit.

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Market your abilities and keep the receipts

Time for another true story, with changed names and job titles.

Zendaya is kind of quiet, doesn’t make too much of a show of herself, doesn’t mention the wins she has to anyone. She believes that people know she is an amazing actor, and they’ll find out for themselves.

Then there’s Tom. Tom is a great actor, but he also keeps an Excel of every little and big win he has achieved (I think he uses the same one as I do). He doesn’t show the Excel to others though, because he believes and feels the things he writes down, and when Robert Downey Jr. asks him at the cooler how he is doing, he says:

‘Great, I just finished shooting ahead of schedule because I didn’t need as many takes as they planned for the backflip scene, and even came up with some new lines that everyone ended up loving.’

Robert doesn’t think he is obnoxious based on that casual remark. But Robert does leave the casual encounter thinking that Tom is a good and efficient actor, who has great physical abilities, and even works with the team trying to make the whole production better.

He thinks Tom is a great person to work with.

And then Tom becomes the new Spider Man, not Zendaya.

Network like it’s a part of the job

After I got the first entry-level job through sending dozens of applications, every single one after has had an element of networking to it.

And what is networking? It’s not performing perfection and elevator pitches. It’s meeting people at their level, remembering their hobbies and children’s names, and talking about them more than you talk about yourself. That’s how they will feel like they want to work with you.

My third job I wasn’t applying for at all, rather I met a friend from school randomly for afterwork drinks. We talked about life, work, what interests us, what we are passionate about. Turns out we were passionate about similar things, and I was a bit jealous of how much he got to work with his passions at work. And I told him I was.

He then suggested that I go for lunch with his boss. There might not be anything in it and there might not be a job opening, but at least they’ll remember me the next time there is. I went to the lunch, then an interview, and three weeks later had a job offer.

Mind you, I’m an introvert and am not the biggest people person, I am not the loudest one in the room, or the one with the widest social circle. I’m just honest, open, believe in myself, and am more interested in the person I’m talking to, than myself.

Nice to have: Work hard

This one is a hard one, because it really does help, but isn’t necessary. If you do all of the above to a tee, there is no necessity to be a hard worker. I actually discourage you from being the hardest worker in the room.

In my opinion, the sweet spot is to be the 15th to 30th hardest worker out of a 100 people. That leftover energy you have compared to number 1? Spend that on the rest of the points.

If you fall below the 30th hardest worker, you’re probably just one of the people who enjoy their job well enough, but don’t really care to maximize that part of their life where they spend the most of their waking hours.

That person can definitely utilise the insights here too, but if you have read this far, I don’t think you’re that person.

And then landing in that sweet spot naturally is a signal. It means you have a job that motivates you. One that pushes you from time to time, and that is a part of the life you’re choosing to design for yourself.

Then the final point, which happens when you do everything in this article, but directed at one person. The fastest progression stories I have witnessed have been based on having a strong sponsor.

A sponsor is someone senior who believes in you enough to say your name in rooms you’re not in. Someone who puts their own reputation behind you.

The sponsor backs you because they know you’re a safe bet, and/or they think you’re beneficial to them. This happens, first when the sponsor knows that they’re not the only one thinking you do solid work. Second, when you make your sponsor look good through either competence, or by talking them up in rooms they’re not in.

You can partially engineer the sponsorship, but the strongest ones happen naturally when they see, hear and believe in you, and in your benefit to them.

So to summarize: ask for it. Believe in yourself. Tell others what you’ve done well, and ask about them as people. Work semi-hard (maybe). And get sponsored.

None of this is how it should work. It is, however, how it works.

And that’s all for today,

S x

I’ve done everything right. Good grades. Chose a sport and competed in it. Good university. A career in corporate that is everything it’s supposed to be. Surrounded by people who have also done everything right, and will continue doing everything right.

I started looking at my life carefully, the way you look at a photograph on your fridge that you’ve seen a thousand times, but suddenly something in it seems wrong.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with where I am, and many would be right to call this out as a ‘first world problem’. But I’ve been building something good on autopilot, putting a great effort behind it, not stopping to think where it takes me and whether I want it.

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The realization came gradually, but now I look back at June 2024 as the point in time when I started breaking out of autopilot and discovering my free will. I was travelling a lot that year, and meeting many interesting people. And one person specifically stuck with me.

It wasn’t about him as a person. It was about meeting, for the first time, someone who worked fully remotely because he had deliberately designed his life that way.

And he wasn’t even famous, or an influencer, or doing anything particularly exceptional? He had simply decided he wanted to live in a specific way, and then did it?

I thought about how simple it all seemed, that I hadn’t realized that you can break out of the mould, or even that I was in one. And how impossibly far away it looked from where I was standing.

It turned out that seeing what is possible is necessary, but it’s not enough, not even close. I wasn’t sure what changes to start making, and the process seemed like climbing a mountain full of poisonous plants and dangerous animals.

I knew this was not character failure. Change inherently includes both loss and gain, and because of loss aversion we feel losses roughly twice as painful as equivalent gains feel good.

Inaction also feels safer, even when it keeps you stuck.

I realized that having studied cognitive biases hadn’t spared me from waking up one day to find out that I have been asleep for almost 30 years, avoiding risk and change, even when I knew I wanted it.

So I started saying yes. First to small things, then to bigger things.

I’m moving toward the life that I want: work that allows me the freedom to move and travel, and a life centred around my people, but on our terms. While still in my day job, I started building additional income streams, and chose a destination. I found my person, and after a year of long distance, we started closing the gap.

And in October 2026, I am leaving this version of my life behind. I am moving from Europe to Australia. Not because everything is sorted, or the timing is finally right. I am going because I kept saying yes.

This isn’t an argument for being reckless. It’s an argument for moving anyway, toward the thing you can see. That’s what I’m doing.