There once was a guy, well before he pulled the trigger.

A guy who made me laugh. The kind of laugh that eventually turned into nothing but air coming out of  your lungs.

No sound just pure joy.

A guy that made me smile. The kind of nervous smile you’d get when you saw a cute boy who could choose anyone in the world, but they chose you.

The kind of smile that made you feel like a little girl again with their first crush.

A guy who made me talk. The type of talking where you got so lost in conversation the sun came up before you got to close your eyes.

A guy who made me feel. The type of feelings that gave you butterflies in your stomach or sometimes like a knot before a presentation.

He was also a guy who made me mad.

He pushed buttons and boundaries.

He could be aggressive with his words and attitude.

He could be immature and emotional.

He could leave and come back.

But somehow, he could wash all the bad and make me feel the good again.

We weren’t always the best towards each other. But we were something to each other.

Two people who cared deeply about one another, mixed with our own scars and bruises. The ones that we carried long before we met and eventually the ones we created together.

It was a perfect mix, an intoxicating one.

No matter how much we ran away from it, we kept coming back.

It was like a sick game of obsession. Until one day, you stopped playing.

One day, you didn’t come back.

Maybe I was the one who stopped playing.

I had been so sick of pouring everything into you and it never working.  So frustrated with how someone could make me feel so much, how we could feel so much and still never work.

You reached out to me a few weeks before.

We talked, but this time my boundaries were set and stone. I didn’t want to get sucked into the game again.

I loved you, but I was trying to love myself too.

Oh how I wish I would have just given you my number so we could get lost in conversation again.

The conversations that made us both laugh and be silly - forgetting everything else in the world.

The conversations that reminded us both why we cared so much. Why we found our way back to each other every single time.

Maybe it was toxic. Maybe it was just two young kids trying to navigate the feelings they didn’t quite understand.

I didn’t stop playing the game because I didn’t love you or want you.

I stopped playing because apart of me knew we would never get it right.

I thought if I ignored the feeling it would just go away.

I thought we had time to figure it out. I thought you’d always be here, even if we never did.

You were supposed to be here.

We were supposed to find our way back.

But you left me and pulled the trigger.

You never came back.

It wasn’t like the game where I could revive you and wait for your character to load back up.

This was real life, a real body, a real soul that wasn’t returning.

I still blame myself.

How could I not be there? How could I not try one more time?

I could have saved you… right?

I’ll never forget.

I felt weird that whole day. I didn’t know why, but it was this unsettling feeling that I couldn’t get away from.

I was sitting on the couch with my parents, trying my best to distract myself.

Then I got the call. Then the texts…

You were gone, like really gone.

I knew people died. I had lost people before. But this was different.

It wasn’t an accident or a sickness that I knew eventually would be the cause of death.

This was self-inflicted.

And as angry as I was with you, I felt on so many levels the decision to make it all go away.

No, I’ll never know why you truly did it.

But, I do know the heaviness of this life and the need to escape it, for good. Because that would make it all better, right?

I know because I’ve felt it too. I’ve felt like disappearing and making everything vanish - wanting it all to end and never come back.

But that day I received the news, everything changed.

I knew I had a choice.

I could decide that I didn’t want to be here anymore because you proved to me it was possible.

Or I could use this as a constant reminder to fight. To remember the good things over the bad.

To learn how to understand my feelings rather than lose myself in them.

I could fight because unfortunately you no longer could.

I could fight for the both of us who couldn’t get it right together.

I miss your smile, your jokes, your kisses.

I miss your warm hugs and your dancing.

I miss your annoying but in possible to resist presence.

I miss your protection.

I miss you being here because at least I knew I could still feel something.

You’re with me everywhere, thanks to the obituary I carry.

I think of you when I pass a certain street, take a certain exit, or hear a certain song.

I keep the emails of your rap sessions just so I can still remember your voice.

I always have you on my mind.

You were the guy who always had that effect.

The type of effect that absorbed me even when I was nowhere near you.

You were a guy full of love and surprises.

You were a guy who sent long texts and made phone calls last forever.

You were a guy who was hard and intimidating, but soft when it came to me.

You were the guy who walked to the corner store just to make sure I had something for Valentine’s Day.

Back when we had no jobs, no cars, no real money, you were the guy who always made a way.

You made a way to talk to me, see me, and think of me.

You were a guy who was difficult and stubborn, but always so funny and charming.

You were a guy who was far from perfect, but a guy who left an unforgettable impression.

Now you’re just a guy of my memories. The memories I still hold on to.

A guy who still has the same effect he had since day one.

9 years later, still nothing compares.

I’ll love you always.

I’m sorry for never saying it.

I’m sorry I never showed it.

I’m sorry that we never knew how to in the way that God intended.

I’m sorry our internal wounds made us miss out.

The strength that neither of us possessed, the safe space neither of us knew existed, the access we didn’t know we had- I can see it now.

God was there, but we just couldn’t see it.

We tried so hard on our own, but oh how I wish we had known.

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭27‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

RIP K.K.A 🤎

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

— Always growing, always becoming 🤍

As I’ve really dove into this self-discovery season, it’s dawned on me that it all comes with a price.

A price that’s not expensive in dollars, but expensive in spirit.

Of course I want the results - the healthy relationships, the great attitude, the unbotheredness - but none of it comes for free.

It’s the willingness to surrender my ways and my thoughts to Him.

Most of us who are believers at some point feel some type of conviction, but it’s what happens next that leads to either transformation or stagnation. Or even worst, destruction.

We could completely ignore the Holy Spirit warning us to not do this or that.

We can continue on that path that we know is no good for us.

We can secretly lie to ourselves saying that everything’s fine and keep moving on our own accord.

Or, we can simply confess it for what it truly is.

Conviction for me isn’t just getting that knowing feeling about what I should or shouldn’t be doing or how I should or shouldn’t be reacting.

It’s about me recognizing that feeling and being completely honest with it.

Sometimes I’d rather sit in my feelings than be mature.

Sometimes I’d rather replay the conversation in my head just to prove what they did was wrong.

Sometimes I’d rather minimize my problems to avoid bothering God.

Sometimes I’d rather argue than to let it go.

Sometimes I’d rather to force myself to be positive, because if I don’t - it’s ungodly of me.

Sometimes, just sometimes….  I want to scream all the unfiltered things that consume me - which is exactly what He wants.

God never asked me to hide any of it. In fact, He knows it all already.

“And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

God wants us to be honest with Him.

He doesn’t expect us to feel 100% all the time. But He does expect us to come to Him because that’s exactly what He’s here for.

So even with my mess of emotions and lack of understanding, God wants me to lay it all out.

With Him I can get real, because I know when I do, that’s where the real transformation comes in.

He can see me for who I am and correct my ways as He sees fit with a capability that I don’t have.

I can confront that nudge and become very clear about where I stand in that moment - that moment of raw emotion and truthfulness, knowing He will hear me and show me the way.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I don’t see my honesty being an inconvenience for God, but more so an invitation for Him to move through me in a way that makes it possible to feel without drowning in the shame of it.

All those thoughts, disappointments, pain, distractions, true authentic feelings and opinions - they’re all real, and all His when you release them to Him.

So when I say, it’s expensive when it comes to this journey of self-discovery - it’s a price you have to pay to be fully surrendered.

A daily choice to expose the things that are not the picture perfect things we try to display to the world or even ourselves.

It’s the dark, ugly truths that we hate to admit, even behind closed doors.

It’s no more your way. No more keeping it together for the sake of an image or being afraid of what God thinks.

It’s time to call it out for what it is and let Him work through it by His understanding and His way - His strength, not yours.

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭4‬:‭29‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Reminder: There is lightness when confessing and allowing God to transform you in a way we could never possibly experience without his interference.

— Always growing, always becoming. 🤍

What I thought would be another trip planned for myself or a day full of smiles, was actually a day to put a loved one to rest.

When you really think about it, it’s crazy being able to live this life. You wake up one day and you’re just here. One minute you’re a baby learning how to adjust to the world and then all of a sudden you’re this adult wondering where the time went. You meet all these people - some called to be your family and others you meet along the way.

You make memories and mistakes. You laugh and you cry. You experience and you grow.

You live until one day, you just don’t.

We feel like we have forever, but really, at any moment it can be taken away.

That’s all I could think about while looking at the lifeless body - how fast life comes and goes.

She was just here and now she’s not.

I feel like I was mourning more than just a family member.

Maybe the loss of time, maybe not being fully present in my own life, or maybe simply knowing that our time here is limited.

There’s so many days that are wasted or misused. But even then, knowing no matter what we do, the reality is, our time here is not of our own.

Listening to the impact that was made, reminded me I don’t want to just live this life for myself, but to do it with God because even when death comes, He gives us life.

“For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.”

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭5‬:‭1‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I don’t know what I expected out of this birthday, but it definitely wasn’t to say goodbye. But with that goodbye, I can say thank you.

Thank you God for allowing me to experience the life of a human - connecting me with another soul that will forever leave a mark.

Thank you for granting me more time.

May my life always be a reflection of your love and grace, and may it be lived with gratitude.

“For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭14‬:‭8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Happy Birthday to me and Rest in Peace to my dear Aunt. 🙏🏽

— Always growing, always becoming 🤍

I went through a stage where I use to call everyone my best friend, until I realized who my core people truly were. It took a moment to get there, but I thought I had found my people for life.

No one could have ever prepared me for what adulthood would snatch away from me.

Of course, I knew friendships would come and go. Some would flourish, some would fail, and some would simply just disappear - but I never would have imagined having to watch them fade in front of me - not my core people - never.

Maybe it’s silly of me to think that even with change, there would still be some sort of sameness to it all. But I was humbled when life showed me the complete opposite.

As someone who has solely depended on others because my lack of confidence and my assumption of what being a friend meant, I never quite adjusted to people moving on and living their own lives. In no way am I saying any of this as a bad thing, but the little girl in me always thought surely we could survive anything, nothings going to change.

We will always call each other, we will always see other, we will always drop everything for one another because that’s what friends do, right? But somewhere in the midst of growing up and having our own problems - those things just became less of a priority.

Less calling, less visiting, less everything.

I could blame them. I could blame myself. But honestly, that’s just how life goes in its many seasons.

Some seasons are amazing. They’re balanced, tended to, and in close proximity. While others become rocky, less thought of, and distant.

These friendships have held my hand and been my safe space for so long. But I’ve become so broken over the years, watching them go on as though our season never existed. Not purposely, but because life keeps moving.

We are constantly growing and sometimes that means experiencing a life that doesn’t always involve you in it. There’s new faces, new places, new discoveries.

and… I don’t think I was ready for it.

I never expected my friendships to look like how they did when I was younger, but I definitely didn’t expect life to come in and swoop them up like it did. Maybe I thought friendships only changed when something extremely bad happened, but turns out even the steadiest of friendships run their course.

Years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell me anything about my people.

But I grew up and learned the hard way that things inevitably DO change, sometimes for the better.

This void that I’ve felt has made me realize I’ve still been reaching for those hands that have moved forward in their lives long ago.

Instead of grabbing hold of my own, I’ve been incapable of accepting change because that would mean I would have to accept that what my friendships once were, aren’t anymore. They look different, because they are different.

I’m not entirely sure how to navigate friendships in adulthood while still healing from them.

Though it’ll always be love, right now, I’m still grieving. I’m still grieving what was and what may never be.

This is a reminder to myself that it’s okay for things to change, even if I haven’t fully processed it yet. I have to learn to let go of what was and step into what is.

So while I may be questioning why, I know there is purpose in everything. In my heaviness, I still trust you Lord.

— Always growing, always becoming.

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That day, no one gave him a standing ovation. No one poured their heart out to him and thanked him for doing God’s work. No one asked any questions or gave him much of a response.

We just sat there, and I silently commended him for doing something for God, even when he left with nothing to show for it.

Sometimes that’s how I feel on this walk...

Like, you’re showing up, but no one seems to see you. They just stare, they’re silent, or they completely disregard you. Then, you’re stuck asking yourself what’s the point?

I’ll be honest, sometimes I feel this way about God. Like, He’s there, but He’s just quietly watching, while nothings changing on my end. Yet, I’m still expected to keep showing up.

I’ve questioned why I haven’t received the community, the friendship, the attention, the happy ending - or certain things I’ve prayed for - when I’ve shown up countless of times.

I find myself looking at other people that are doing well for themselves, assuming they never had to go through the motions of showing up and getting nothing out of it. All I see is the fruits, but never what led up to it.

Even though I know some people didn’t just wake up with a prosperous life, it still sucks to be on the other side knowing that you’re actually trying, but not quite there yet. You’re putting in the work, but meeting what seems like a dead end.

I’m not sure how the man felt after leaving the dealership. A part of me wonders whether he was embarrassed, proud of himself, or if he cared at all what the outcome may have been.

Another part of me wonders how many times he’s put himself in situations that turned out just like that day at the dealership. How many times has he been ignored or rejected?

Better yet, how many times has he actually encouraged others to follow Christ just by showing up?

I may not know the answers to those questions, but I do know that he showed up, even when there was a possibility that he could either leave with a great outcome, or with nothing at all.

A lot of times showing up can feel like we’re producing no fruit. It feels like we’re just showing up to unanswered prayers, stagnant situations or a room full of silence.

But after watching that man put himself out there, just to be left with no reaction, it reminded me that sometimes our walk will be silent. There’s not always an applause, a view, or a massive change waiting for us afterwards. God is not always rushing to reward us for things we should already be doing. Sometimes showing up is just that, regardless of what comes with it.

My days have been filled with a lot of showing up with no results. It’s been frustrating having to push through things like everything’s okay, but secretly fuming inside because it all feels like another day with no difference. As I’m typing this, I’ve realized my lack of faith and the need for outside gratification to make me feel as though God is moving in my life. But the truth is, God is always moving whether we see or not.

Showing up just to see that nothing has changed can be discouraging, but when you believe that God is really working in your life, you tap into something that is more than what your eyes can see. Sometimes things will be a little quiet or still, but God is there. Even when we face a world that doesn’t see us, He’s there, using our everyday for his master plan.

I don’t know if you’re dealing with something similar and how it’s affecting you, but I do hope wherever you are in your walk, you remain faithful in showing up. It doesn’t always look or feel the best, but the outcome that you’ll eventually receive is worth working towards everyday. Each simple, mundane step counts towards what you’re becoming.

I hope this gives you a little more faith to keep going, especially when things seem unchanging.

Reminder: God promises there will be fruit when we follow Him obediently. So sometimes that means showing up and serving Him - not because we can see everything He’s doing, but because we believe He IS doing it. Show up anyway.

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— Always growing, always becoming.

I wanted to write. About what? Younger me had no idea. But then the desire grew more and more. At first it was just me scribbling in a notepad as a child, pretending I was really writing something. Then it transitioned to creating fictional characters and stories. But as a I got older, it became more serious for me. I was the girl with so many thoughts, but didn’t dare expose myself. I just carried them around with me wherever I went because that’s where it felt safe, until I decided I could no longer hold them in anymore. So here I am now, deciding to do it publicly.

I downloaded Substack, with little to no understanding, and eventually wrote my first blog. I didn’t expect anyone to read anything, and of course I got just that being a newbie to the scene. Even though I expected it, it still felt discouraging. Embarrassingly, I decided to share with a few people I knew personally, in hopes to make me feel a little better about not receiving any love, but also because something in me just told me to do it! I sent the texts, (silently throws up), while waiting to be rejected - so I thought. But as a surprise, those same people responded immediately to support my little girl dreams.

The Little Things Grow is something I have been building and rebuilding in my head over and over again. What started out as just a random thought, turned into a consistent tug that just wouldn’t stop pulling. I tried, and failed. I tried again, and failed again, and again. You’d think I would have given up, but years later, I’m here trying, yet again.

I always questioned whether it didn’t work out because God never gave me the idea. Maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I was just being influenced by what I saw other people doing. You know, how sometimes we get on social media and see a cool video and then all of a sudden we want to become an influencer? I thought it was something like that, but then the thought kept coming back. So, of course I took that as a sign to try again, but it never worked out. I started to replay each time this idea came to my head, all for it to continue to flop, and I came to the conclusion that I was walking by my own accord and not His.

Sure, what I wanted to write about was harmless, but my motivation became more about getting paid and seeking the attention and approval from others. I wanted to be heard and seen so bad, that I missed the whole plot. God never intended for me to share my story for me to get likes, status, or money. Even though I wanted to believe that wasn’t the case or my intention, my actions still led to that. It was no longer about trying to help people in the way that God wanted me to, but in a way that made the focus about me. Before, I didn’t get it, but the more times I failed, I realized how far I pushed God from even being apart of the whole thing.

It turned into something I wanted Him to bless, but didn’t want Him to get the credit for. I wanted Him to make it work, but didn’t want to make it about Him. I wanted to place Him behind the scenes and thank Him behind closed doors, but I was afraid to tell the world that He was the reason for it all. I wanted to do it my way, because with Him, I had to confront the spiritual battles I tried to run away from.

I struggled a lot with how people perceived me. People knew that I went to church and believed in God, but they never knew the extent of it. Making this blog about Him meant I would have to be loud about my faith. I would have to look like the “super-Christian” that only talked about “God this and God that.” It meant being bold and honest about my walk and my relationship with Him. It meant facing the fact that I wasn’t the perfect Christian I presented myself to be.

Before, none of this was a factor, I was just a girl who wanted to write. But the war between wanting it for myself and wanting it for God became too hard to fight. I had to choose between continuing to live in secret and accepting that my dream would probably stay a dream. Or to live my truth, allowing God to use it for His good.

Though it’s a little scary to admit not having my life together, I have chosen to do the scary thing. I still struggle with scripture, being consistent in my prayer life, comparing myself to others, forgiving and keeping my attitude in check, amongst a list of all kinds of other things that aren’t Christian perfect. But the best part about it, is that I get to keep trying, and this time it’s with God.

The Little Things Grow has become something that honestly isn’t really about anyone else anymore. If anything, it’s about God working through me, and hopefully helping someone along the way through my trials and errors. It has truly helped me look at myself deeper and uncover things that I have always tried to hide. It has made me become more intentional in the things I do, the things I say, and the ways I react. It reminds me that I’m human just like you trying to figure it all out, one season at a time.

I don’t want to be afraid to talk about my faith because the next person may not be a believer or because of what they may think of me. So that’s why I decided to share this journey with you all. Some of you are family and/or friends, that I really had no intention of ever sharing this with, and some of you are strangers that I probably will never meet in real life. But this is my way of showing obedience to God, even if it’s a little scary.

I am exposing myself, a self that the younger me could never.

I have no idea what I’m even doing, what I’m supposed to say or where this will lead me, but I plan to allow the Holy Spirt to guide me so I can find out.

Being exposed means I have to be honest, and though that comes with its own fears, I am making a promise to myself to do it anyway because this is what holds me accountable. This is what reminds me of humility, grace, and growth. I am nothing without God, and I don’t want to be anywhere where He is not.

This time I want to do it right, for the right reasons, and that means giving up my own will because if He’s not a apart of it, what’s the point of it all?

Some of you may have amazing ideas, dreams, and desires that have been placed on your heart. You may already be successful or you could be like me where you’re still trying and failing. Or you may just be scared to make that step because the fear of what will happen. Whether any of those might be you, just remember to ask yourself why you want it and why you’re doing it. Check to see where your heart is and if it aligns with what He’s said.

I know all to well what it looks like to have your own motives, just to end up questioning yourself and where you’ve gone wrong. But I also know the relief that comes when you finally allow God to work in your life the way He always intended. Yes, it’s still a little scary, but it feels so much better knowing that you won’t be doing it all by yourself. So, don’t give up or shy away from the possibilities, especially if it doesn’t look like what you expected. Step into it - fear and all.

Reminder: Things are scary and sometimes unpredictable, but you’ll never know unless you try. We may have good intentions, but always seek God for counsel to lead you in the right direction.

— Always growing, always becoming.

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Like what you read? Check out another post below:

Dear mama,

Thank you for carrying me for all those months. Between the weight gain and the morning and mid-day sicknesses, you got up every day and sacrificed some of your favorite meals just to make it through. I don’t think you had much of a choice, but I thank you anyway.

Thank you for spending those same months working, preparing the way for my arrival, all while taking care of my older sister. Sometimes you had help, and other days you carried the weight of it all on your own. You didn’t just endure the physical and mental pain during the months of carrying or even birthing. You endured the life long commitment to raising a child.

Every day you showed up for me, whether you wanted to or not. You did it with a smile on your face, and lets be honest, sometimes with an attitude too. You bathed me, fed me, clothed me, put a roof over my head - isn’t that the main things people point out when they say how much they did for you as a parent?

But those things are just basic necessities. Your presence in my life has meant so much more than that.

You are my number one supporter, always have been. Anything, whether it be a sport, an idea, a new adventure, etc. - you were right there rooting for me and down for the ride. I can still remember some of the smallest details of my childhood. Like you signing me up for soccer and all I did was stand in the middle of the field, not running or kicking the ball - just watching. But you still cheered me on like I was the best player out there.

I remember coming home to tell you I tried out for cheerleading and actually made the team. You were shocked and probably terrified with what the costs were going to be, but you scraped up enough money to allow me to participate anyway.

I remember begging you for a hermit crab when we walked by the stand they had in the mall. I had no clue about hermit crabs and why I even wanted one, but you bought it anyway. Not only did you buy it, but you helped me clean it and watched how fascinated I was during that time.

I remember my fish era, where I asked for one for my birthday. My sister bought it, but you helped me take care of it. From washing the tank, feeding it and talking to him like one of our pups, you were always there to experience it with me.

I remember being apart of sports as an older kid and how your voice was the most distinct in the crowd. Just like when I was the 4 year old playing soccer, instead this time I gave you a reason to cheer for me. Regardless, you still screamed the same. I could hear you from anywhere. It didn’t matter if I was in the game for 3 mins, or coming in last place for a race - everyone could hear who your baby was out there!

You showed up to every event I had, bad weather and all. You worked 8 hours a day and probably even overtime, but a job never kept you from being there. These are the memories that are engraved in my brain, along with so many others.

Not only did you show up for me, you showed up for your mom too. I watched you take on your sick mother, my grandmother, as she was living with Alzheimer’s. It was like being a mother to a baby again, except this time the roles were reversed. She no longer could show up for you in a way she once had, but as painful as it was, you still showed up for her.

It breaks my heart that the time you both once shared became distant memories when you had to face the latest version of her. The one who was still physically there, but couldn't remember very much. But it was because of those memories you had with her that you were able to hold on to the version you always knew. This is why I cherish the moments I have with you.

I’ve watched you be a single parent at one point, working 2 jobs, raising 2 children, and suffering failed relationships. Yet, you still found the beauty in life, as if you never endured any pain at all. In my years of living you have taught me so much about loving selflessly. You’ve shown me the importance of being present. You’ve reminded me that pain is no excuse to stop showing up. You have taught me to laugh in my toughest moments and helped me create memories with you that I will hold on to for as long as I can.

Today I’m blessed to say we are still building those beautiful moments together.

Thank you for being the person I can call when I’m awkwardly out alone, just to have someone to talk to. Thank you for being my personal uber driver when I don’t always feel comfortable driving in the area. Thank you for movie nights, and mommy daughter dates on a random Tuesday. Thank you for being my listening ear when I repeat the same stories or cry to you about things I can't control. Thank you for being a friend on the days where I feel like I don’t have anyone. Thank you for the hugs and kisses you still give me as if I were still a child. Thank you for still being actively present in my life. Your smile, laugh and liveliness keeps me going everyday.

A mother to me isn’t just someone who has a child, but someone who chooses to be present in all the days that come. The little details in life that are as simple as remembering your face in the crowd before every game or the I love you texts every night. I am lucky to have had a woman like you who wasn’t in a rush for me to leave the nest. A woman who didn’t have it all, but always made a way. A woman who took interests in all the things I loved, even if that meant picking up the slack or learning something you had no idea about. A woman who may not have always understood me, but took the time to get to know me.

Thank you for giving me the space to be me, while instilling values in my life. Because of you, I will always do my part, just like you taught me.

Happy Mother’s Day to one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. You are the rock of my life and I am so happy God chose you for me.

- Love your stinky butt

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Idk about you all, but I have an amazing mother that I am proud of. This is not to boast about her, but more so to show how impactful a mother’s presence can be, even if you don’t recognize it at the time. I pray everyone gets to experience a motherly bond like this, and if you didn’t - my heart goes out to you. I hope if you have the chance, you can show up for your own children or anyone you may be looking after in a way that would have made the younger you feel the most loved.

May this be a reminder to love on your mom a little bit more, or to show up as that mom that you longed for. Life is so short and it should be spent making it as memorable as possible.

To all the women who are mothers, thank you for weathering all the difficult seasons that comes with being a parent. From making school lunches, to preparing for college and all the in betweens that makes you question your existence some days. Thank you for always remaining solid.

Reminder: Cherish the beautiful moments with your mom and/or your children. The little every day moments count.

— Always growing, always becoming.

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I was fortunate to grow up with good parents. But even with a steady childhood, I struggled a lot with depression, back when I had no idea that was even a thing. I always had a heavy cloud around me, but I knew how to smile and keep it pushing. One thing I remember from childhood though is how often we were in church. We were there most Sunday’s, with attending bible studies or Sunday school occasionally. Back then I thought nothing of it, because of course I was kid and didn’t understand a lot of what was being talked about. To me, it was just another day for Veggie Tales and sometimes sitting with my parents’ playing tick-tack-toe with a random lady beside me. The sermons that were being taught completely went over my head.

Then I grew up, where church wasn’t a thing in our household anymore. We gradually stopped going, and again, I thought nothing of it. But now as a 31-year-old, I feel the sadness of how much time we missed out on God. I never really knew Him, so maybe it didn’t make much of a difference, but those church days are memories that I look back on and say to myself, wow - it’s funny how things turn out.

It took me years to really discover God for myself and even now, I’m still learning every single day what it means to be in relationship with Him. It wasn’t solely because I grew up in church, it wasn’t just because a friend invited me to her church home, or that people constantly brought Him up. It was because God revealed to me on His own time that I needed Him.

I’m not saying that the things listed above do not push us in the direction towards God, because they definitely play a part. But what I am saying is, it’s not by our efforts alone that will make that transition happen. I’ve been praying constantly and inviting my family back to church. I’ve been posting blogs hoping someone would discover me and sending scriptures to people I think it may help, but even with all that, it’s not on me to force an experience to happen or determine when or if it ever will. Just like it wasn’t up to my parents.

I can remember the day everything shifted. I remember the pain I carried and how nothing seemed to help me cope anymore. The same things that use to give me a relief no longer did it for me. I knew then I didn’t want to go down the same path I had been going on. I’m sure God would have met me eventually down the line, but all those people who talked about Him years before played a huge role in my curiosity. It was like something inside of me gravitated towards Him. It didn’t mean much back then, but when I needed it, it showed me that God was there the whole time, I just couldn’t see it for myself yet.

I am grateful to my parents, because they did a good thing. They started something within me that I never truly understood, even as an adult. It may not have been something we continued as a family, but they did give me something to always come back to. They planted the word of God with hope to lead me on the right path, even if I didn’t choose to stick with it at the time.

I now understand, that even with good intentions, things don’t always work out how we want them to or when we want them to, but God uses it all for His perfect timing. My parents didn’t beat the bible over my head, but they did bring me into a place that I never thought would mean anything to me. They weren’t the reason I finally gave my life to Him, but they did plant something in me that God used. It’s because I heard about Him long before I knew Him.

With knowing that truth, I have to let go of my need to prove anything or convince anyone to listen, to follow or to move when I say so. Instead, I want to shed light on the things He has done in my life and still doing, while accepting the hard reality that I don’t get to say yes for anyone accepting Christ in their life.

I would love to be the reason people know Him and share all the things that come with this walk, but ultimately, it’s a decision a person makes on their own to be receiving of it.

My walk is not perfect. Sometimes it’s exciting, and a lot of times it’s rocky, frustrating, and slow. Either way, it’s something special to me that is worth sharing if someone can leave knowing they have a chance to walk with Him too.

Though I wish I could be the person who could take credit of my growth, it’s God who deserves the praise. He placed some amazing people in my life that started the journey, but He knew at just the right moment how to work it all out.

There will always be stories, testimonies and posts that tell you about God. But I hope one day you can accept the invitation and experience it for yourself.

Reminder: Our journeys look different from one another, and it takes time to see growth. Keep planting seeds but do it without a need for a reward or reaction. Do it because God will use it even when we don’t see it. Allow Him to do what only He can do.

— Always growing, always becoming.

I don’t fit in any of the boxes and to be honest I never really have. I can admit that at one point of my life some of these things were either things I thoroughly enjoyed or things I often thought about until something changed…

Idk, something about hitting a certain time period of your life makes you stop craving the same old things. I felt this early on, but I could never bring myself to let them go. They were the only things that felt “normal” to fit in with the rest of the world. Even now:

• If you aren’t drinking or smoking - You’re boring.

• If you aren’t married - When are you going to?

• If you don’t have kids - When are you having them?

• If you’re not dating - Why not?

There has always been someone or something pressuring us, as if choosing for ourselves was never an option.

The world can be very manipulative and demanding. But even with its tempting nature to be “normal,” I choose myself.

Some things I’ve outgrown, some things I’ve realized are damaging, and others I’ve come to the conclusion just may or may not be for me.

I am in my 30s, living a simple single life. I don’t say that with sadness, but with truth. I don’t crave substances that illude to fixed problems. I don’t have a partner that I’m over the moon for or guys lined up to fulfill a temporary itch. And although kids are a beautiful blessing, I don’t have any running around.

None of these things make me feel sad, but I know it’s not what people want to hear or believe can be true. After going through so many things in life, eventually there’s a time where some things just can’t satisfy you as they once did or you realize what you thought had to be your life, doesn’t really have to be. Now when that time comes, only you’ll know.

For me, I’ve reached that time. I crave quiet moments. I crave God’s creation - nature, site seeing, exploring. I crave green smoothies and sitting alone reading a book. I crave a sound mind. I crave peace. I crave soft music and overall a soft life. A life that isn’t appealing to most, but everything to me.

Of course I want to love and to be loved. I even wonder about the plans God has for me, but for now, I am right where I want to be. I’m in a space where no one is telling me what I need to do, have to do or should do. And if they are, my mind is too focused on what’s genuinely right for me.

No longer am I chasing what the world sees as normal, but instead I’m living a normal that feels good to me and allows me to fully be present in what God is doing in my life.

Though seasons will change, this season is mine and I’m sharing it with the one and only.

Reminder: Seasons change, and so do our desires. It’s okay to embrace new things that aren’t as familiar. Allow God to make that shift in your life. Forget the norm.

Isaiah 43:19

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

— Always growing, always becoming. 🤍

It’s been years since I’ve committed my life to Christ, but even with all these years under my belt, I’m still tempted and reminded of my past.

Sometimes it can be so frustrating putting in all this work just to have the memories of the old version of you resurface. Whether it be running into an old friend, hearing an old story of your most embarrassing moments, or trying to prove yourself to the ones who only see that one version of you.

Lately I feel like I’ve been slapped with so many reminders of my past and I want so badly to leave it behind me. I hate the thought of all the control people use to have over me. I hate what they were able to witness before I knew God. I hate even more that it still bothers me. But unfortunately it does.

I wish people could only see the version of me that God has had a hand on until I realized God can only truly get the glory with ALL of it. Not just the good, but the struggles in between and the shortcomings that come with it.

What use is it if you can’t see everything He has done and still doing to make me who I am today?

So yes, I have a past, where I didn’t make the best choices and yes, even with Christ, I still don’t always make the best choices. But because of Him, when those seasons come and I have to face more obstacles, He will be reason I don’t have to go backwards. My past will always be a part of my story, but it will not be my identity. As long as I have God, I am renewed and can rest well knowing He knows me and has called me anyway.

Reminder: Don’t let your past steal your present. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone because God called your name.

2 Corinthians 5:16-17

So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

— Always growing, always becoming.🤍

Tbh I thought this year would have been different. Not in the way where we say “New year, new me,” but, more so in a way where I’d hope everything would have worked out in my favor.

I had goals set and plans in mind. I felt like I had did everything God expected of me - get back in church, get baptized, and shift my focus on him. So, in my heart I just knew I’d be on track for success, but instead I was met with everything but that.

I was sick for the first few weeks of the year, one of my closet friends became distant, I got rejected from a job position and my face broke out terribly. Now if you’re a woman, anything going on with your skin is already an automatic mood-killer, but to add everything on top of that, I’d had it with everything. What I thought would be a great start to a new year, began with feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity and loneliness.

These things sounds so unimportant as I write them, but the emotions that they’ve made me feel throughout the last few months have become so heavy.

God has been removing things and testing me through so many areas of my life. With my physical health, my friendships, my career - it’s all been a rollercoaster.

I would say I feel like Job, but my life doesn’t even compare to the things he went through. But reading the book of Job has taught me how easy it is to become consumed by your suffering. It doesn’t mean that our suffering is insignificant, but the way we respond is everything.

I can’t tell you that I’ve been the happiest since all this has been happening, but I will say that it has made me more dependent on God. I asked for a deeper relationship with Him, and this is what I got - a cycle of misfortunes. But, I can positively say that my process looks nothing like my ending, because God keeps His promises.

Though I may not feel like my best self physically, I will say spiritually I have grown more in these uncomfortable moments than I would have without them.

This is a reminder of whatever silly thing that has been keeping you down or maybe even something serious that has truly affected you, don’t be consumed by it. Allow God to be your source of restoration. It is only for a moment that you may feel the pain of it, but when God shows up, He shows out.

1 Peter 5:10

So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.

— Always growing, always becoming. 🤍