This month I have read 10 books.

So late in the day by Claire Keegan

An extremely well written short story about misogyny and how doing the most basic (and required) chores in a relationship is apparently really “hard” for men.
This book tackles the different expectations the society has on men and women in heterosexual relationships.
This story tackled all these big ideas on gender roles, misogyny and equality in about 40 pages. This was genuinely impressive and extremely well done.
I enjoyed the writing style it fits in very well in with other literary fiction books I have previously enjoyed. The writing style wasn’t overly flowery and lyrical, but observant, detailed and real.
It is still deeply concerning to me how many men have their wives cook dinners for them, without them even saying a simple ‘thank you’ in return.
Such a good story!!!!

My rating: 4 /5⭐

Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros

I think the way this book ended had my jaw just drop.

Also I do realize the writing in the Empyrean series isn’t the best, but seriously I had such a fun time reading this and the romance was chefs kiss. (I didn’t like the second book, but this brought back the same vibes that I adored in the first book of the series).

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

Slanting towards the sea by Lidija Hilje

This was so beautiful. I think I fail at putting how much I love this book into words!!

I sobbed so hard at the end. The concept of time passing, and life changing and people moving on just elicits a visceral reaction out of me. This was so beautiful yet heartbreaking and so undeniably real. I could see these characters as real people. I can’t believe after all that happens in life and the hardships some people are meant to endure - that the world still keeps spinning, like nothing happened.
Someone please check on me cause I am not okay. 😭🥲

My rating: 5 /5⭐

Everything is tuberculosis by John Green

This is how you use your influence and power right!!! To spread awareness and educate people. Even if you have no interest in reading about tuberculosis, you seriously should read this book for yourself. John Green puts such a difficult topic and dissects it in a way that is understandable, digestible and accessible. It was such a heartbreaking read as well.

It truly went to show how human greed is the only roadblock and obstacle to accessible healthcare for everyone.

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

Hunchback by Saou Ichikawa

Honestly this book felt like being on some weird mental “trip”. This was truly unpredictable, unhinged and completely crass in its details and storytelling.
We get to follow our main character, a disabled woman in her 40s, writing erotic stories, being an armchair journalist, making vulgar tweets and basically living her life out in a single apartment - all while grappling with who she truly is and what she “truly” desires.
However, the amount of explicit sexual fantasies and scenes could have been reduced by a lot. I felt like the book could have had more commentary on the hardships of disabled people, or say discussions about ableism and other obstacles people in that community run into.
Instead the sex scenes served as filler, and it managed to be a disturbing one at that. I really don’t know what else to say but that this was a chore to get through (at some parts of it at least). Although it had so much potential.

My rating: 2.75 /5⭐

Small boat by Vincent Delecroix

This story, especially with the way in which it was written, contained the enormity of human flaws, rational thinking and states such as love and ignorance.

If you are interested to explore the immigrant experience in your literature and get to see how a racist and a xenophobe person’s mind works - this is truly the book for you.

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Glad I am not the only one who thought that this book was too long, too dense and too dry. I struggled through this and ended up DNFing it over half way through. I have been reading it since September of last year and this was meh (at least for me), had a few good tips here and there but meh…

Self-help isn’t a genre I pick up too often, nor is it a genre that I gravitate towards. But if it’s your thing just go for it.

My rating: 2 /5⭐

A tempest of tea by Hafsah Faizal

First of all I would love to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. The main characters are compelling, unique and each have their own distinct personalities. I enjoyed switching (third person) povs so much. We got to explore and really connect to the characters. There is such a diverse character cast.
Despite reading a lot of thrillers there were a lot of unforeseen surprises and twists, that I did not see coming. It really creeps up on you, and everything is foreshadowed so well!!!

Now I will say that I lived for the banter and the art of implications and insinuations in the book. There were so many secrets and so many plot developments into a direction I could not see coming. It all came rather beautifully together at the end.
Now what I didn’t like about this book is the pacing. At times it was just too slow and other times I couldn’t put the book down because I was so engrossed with it. I wish it were to be more consistent and allowed us to move at a slightly better pace.
Some character interactions felt a bit too naive for me. Even though our main character, Arthie Casimir, is supposed to be this fear mafia type boss, and yet here she was just a girl. I felt like sometimes the characters were infantilized and that was just irritating.
Overall I had a great time reading this book and I thoroughly enjoyed the ending of it - the story just picked up and it was so intense.

My rating: 3.5 /5⭐

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

This was a wild ride.

What started as a story about a female chemist finding herself in male dominated field of chemistry and science, ended up becoming a story about love and ultimately loss. Friends are the family we make along the way, and life can sometimes end abruptly - this were the big takeaways and key messages of the book. However this was so much more than that.

I feel like anyone would benefit from reading this. Especially if you are keen to explore feminism, and the feminine experience.

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

Aquicorn Cove by K.O’Neill

Such a cozy little story. Even though I am not the intended audience, I really liked it. It had such a beautiful heartfelt message of love, protecting the ocean and on the importance of community. I did find the dialogue simplistic at times, and the story felt too short.
I wished that both the book and the dialogue were a bit longer. But otherwise it was so wholesome, had a diverse cast of characters and the color choice and illustrations were beyond beautiful and cute.

My rating: 3.25 /5⭐

My March tbr is:

1. A man called Ove by Fredrik Backman

2. Lovely war by Julie Berry

3. The Odyssey by Homer

4. Annie Bot by Sierra Greer

5. The Hounding by Xenobi Purvis

I am excited to hear about the books you are reading right now, or your monthly tbr! Also if you have any recommendations that you think I should read asap, I’m all ears)

happy reading loves <3

Those rules were too much for me. They were too rigid. I set out my life expecting to maintain full control of every single thing, have my time line so clearly mapped out - to the point of it being unbearable. Only that led me down one dark road. This cold rigidness led me to gain over 45 pounds of weight, it led me to not being able to deal with disappointment when I inevitably failed (because I set myself up too high and ended up burning out) and that empty pit in my stomach, that I experience every day, only intensified.

I tried making plans. Holding on to my dear life as if intricate notes and Pinterest vision boards could save me. I watched all possible videos on charisma and charm. Tried to apply it and only ever managed to fall on my face and embarrass myself. These thin “cool” girls that read and are so disgustingly intellectual - I wanted to be like them.

The irony might be that they also struggle with imposter syndrome and also end up feeling stupid. That is when one starts to question not the women that aspire to become or even are cool girl, but when we take a look and dismantle the whole rigid and male centered concept of what it means to be a cool girl.

My mother once told me that I do not see how clever and funny I am, I proceeded to scoff, telling myself that of course my own mother has to say that. When my Psychology teacher told me how clever and hardworking I am, I still managed to doubt her. No matter who gives out that praise I still feel like a loser - never being clever but only ever managing to feign and impersonate the truly clever.

A lot of the most gorgeous women I have seen also felt flawed, ugly, stupid and not enough, at one point. We pretend to be those cool chill girls - you know the types that you could find in a coming of age film. The ones that don’t want love but somehow always end up with a boyfriend towards the end of the film (I am looking at you Ms Bella Swan). We can’t maintain that and then proceed to somehow morph into some Rom-com protagonist, which is cool in that she is unapologetically her realest and truest self. She is quirky and pretty, and she could be anyone.

I think I want to stop chasing this non-existent and imaginary ideal. I can still be myself in my stained sweatpants and a day old hoodie and be considered cool.

A lot of the cool girls I know don’t have their shit together. I also think that being a cool girl is possible no matter your weight, skin and hair color. No matter what aesthetic or personal style one has it is possible being cool. I might find chunky rings or acrylic nails cool, while someone might find vintage dresses and knee high boots cool - the very essence of the word “cool” is itself tangible.

The cool girls I knew had standards and expectations and were (as cliché as it sounds) themselves. They were unafraid to voice their opinion, to say that they cared, they even initiated the first date with a guy or not. The point is they boldly went after what they wanted. They didn’t allow their irrational fears and invisible anxieties to hold them back. They weren’t trying to fit into a mold of who others expected them to be. But, you know, you do you sister.

You know what truly is chic and cool? Being a decent person, aspiring to be good and truly doing your best. This never falls out of season. It is a timeless “trend”. So let’s collectively stop using the Gone Girl monologue (I loved the film) to dictate what the word cool means. Let’s actually use it to refer to fearless and kind women instead of allowing that word to revolve around men (and their idea of having women be “low maintenance”).

They did what they wanted to when they wanted to. And isn’t that just so fucking cool?

Because as ironic as it is only when you stop chasing the cool girl ideal do you end up becoming and embodying the cool girl.

I know I haven’t been present at all. I finished with my exams back in the first week of November and took some time off to decompress, read and rewatch Hobbit/LOTR for the 100th time this year! Anyways wishing you all a great day)

With love,

mina 💌

All in all, winter months are considered my personal best reading months. I am lucky to report that I have found my first 5 star books of the year. I feel like I broadened my horizon so much this month, I can’t wait to hopefully bring this same energy into February.

With all that said I’d like to get into it. I have read a very diverse amount of genres this month (at least by my own standards) and would love to share my thoughts, opinions and recommendations with you all.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

If you haven’t read the Twilight series in middle-school or watched the films as a young adult and don’t know what this whole franchise is about I’m more than happy to assist. This story follows our main character, Bella, arriving to the quaint little town of Forks, Washington. In this town she forms a bond with Edward, who is secretly a vampire. And throughout the series there is this weird and what feels like a very much forced love triangle, between Bella, Jacob (the werewolf) and Edward (the vampire).

This book was a definite miss. I have missed the initial Twilight craze but considering that it is one of the most beloved fandoms, I wanted to read the books. I have had a huge craze and obsession for The Vampire Diaries (specifically Damon Salvatore, those who know, know) and considering how much I love it, Dracula, and Nosferatu (basically any piece of content that has blood-thirsty vampires I am down to watch or read).

I really enjoyed the 1st book in the series, with its tedious world building, mundane everyday routines and its mystery/action packed ending. It felt like a solid introduction into this world. However, towards the third book the series got out of hand. The second book was by far the most boring and laborious to get through but the third book gave me a literal ick.

I feel like after that the series got out of hand and completely unhinged with the forced love triangle. I mean come on, since when has it been romantic to force yourself down on a woman??? This book was by far the worst book I have read in this series. Lucky for me I am not a quitter and hate not finishing books so I guess I am stuck with having to read Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun.

My rating: 2 /5⭐

Evidence of the affair by Taylor Jenkins Reid

This book. This book had my heart! It was so touching and so powerful despite its considerably short length.
I think that we as a book community hate when a book is too short and could have said more, or too long for the sake of purely being long and wordy, but this was just perfect <3
The whole novella is told in the form of letters - which is such an interesting method of storytelling, it was able to get me to invest and feel for the characters so much.
Anyways this book delved into what happens to the victims of cheating and how it affects them and their ability to trust, connect and the blame they inflict upon themselves (because they think they must be at fault for being cheated on). This wasn’t just a good story, or a fast read but it made me reflect so much on my own internal biases and in the end brought me a step closer to being a better and more empathetic human being towards others.

In the end I highly recommend you read this book if you love Taylor Jenkins Reid, or are simply searching for a deep, beautiful and an emotional novella.

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

This is the kind of book you read to your children during bedtime, and the kind of book you go back to reread as an adult, only to realize that you never fully understood the story as a child.

A story about a little boy travelling space while trying to understand the adult world that surrounds him. I know that the concept of it might sound very far fetched or not necessarily someone’s cup of tea. I’d like to tell you to trust me and to just read this story.

It is such a beautiful heartfelt story about life, loyalty and grief. It exudes happiness, love and warmth. I think readers of all ages would love and appreciate this book. It is the kind of book that leaves its mark on you and with each reread there is something new to discover.

My rating: 5 /5⭐

Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree

Cute, wholesome, warm and cozy. Nothing more to it. An orc named Viv, retires from battle and decides to open up her own coffee shop. You get to follow along as she opens the store, gets regular customers, finds employees and makes friends. If you are craving a cozy game type of feeling to your books this book will do. It has low stakes and not much high-stakes or a fast developing plot.

The beginning was very slow and I was tempted to DNF the book, but I persevered and I am glad I did. It did pick up after the extremely slow pace it had during the first forty percent. Overall it is a cozy and really comforting story about community, love, and understanding. Reading this book felt like either being wrapped around in a warm blanket or having my childhood plush toy here with me.

My rating: 3 /5⭐

Heart the Lover by Lily King

This book ripped my heart out and forgot to put it back into its place. I will be reading every piece of literature Lily King writes. The prose! The story! The tears! It was all too good and too much and felt just like what I needed. I already want to reread this book and cry some more.

It gave me the same feelings I had whilst reading The Namesake, one of my all time favorite books ever! We follow our characters throughout the years, in episodes when they’re in college, a few years later, and when they are in their late 40s. Not only do you feel connected to this story but it makes you feel alive. You actually get to witness someone’s life unfold. When books make you feel like you are living vicariously, that is the best part!!!

I can’t explain it but I want kind of everyone to read this book and hopefully experience the same devastating heartache that I felt when reading it. It was an honest ode to change and growth and love.

My rating: 5 /5⭐

Film for her by Orion Carloto

So this is what the very chic and the very cool girls are reading. I wasn’t familiar with Orion Carloto’s internet persona but I was glad to discover that not only is her life interesting but I could resonate and see myself through the lens of her story. Reading this collection felt as intimate as reading one’s diary.

I didn’t like or connect to all of her poems, some of them felt lacking and flat, while others simply spoke to me. I honestly wish we got more of her journal entries or letters. I would have liked a deeper and more intimate look into her life, not just a curated one.

Since reading this I have proceeded to follow her on Instagram, because I am nothing if not curious. I loved the gorgeous photography and overall this felt like an intimate snapshot of the author showcasing small bits of her life. Kind of biographical and at the same time it was built and revolved around the universal feeling and desire of wanting to be understood. Anyone can connect (to some extent) with this piece of art, and anyone can at the very least see glimpses of themselves in her work.

My rating: 3.25 /5⭐

Patriotism by Yukio Mishima

I don’t know about you but I like my books to have interesting characters with at least a smidge of personality. This book was a disaster to say the least. I honestly don’t know how so many people enjoyed it. Rather a lot of those who read it have stated that this book had brilliant commentary on patriotism, nationalism, the regime of the Japanese army, honor and a plethora of other social critiques of the time. I’m sorry to say but I did not see it.

The two main characters were honestly flat, and don’t even get me started on the way Yukio Mishima wrote his female main character. The wife of the lieutenant lacked any depth and personality whatsoever - she was no one but simply a wife. To the extent of her agreeing to kill herself just because her husband is mad that they are about to kill off his comrades. sigh

The main male character seemed to only ever lust after his wife, order her around to get shit done around the house, and regard her as some kind of virginal deity which was so weird. I don’t think we need to know how youthful or white her naked body is. Also that smelled like infantilizing a fully formed adult!!! again you can never not convince me that the beauty standards for women don’t stem from pedophilia, and from society collectively refusing to let a woman age.

The only redeemable thing about this book was the writing style. I do have to say that I really enjoyed the prose and the amount of detail that went into this short story. To the point where the only thing that kept me going was the writing.

The book was supposed to be about a Japanese lieutenant coming home to his beloved wife, informing her that his army pals have become mutineers. After much thought and discussion the two decide to end their lives together. Now this is what all good marriages should aspire towards.

And this book was a badly compiled collection of sex scenes, followed by a grotesque suicide scene. The culmination of this supposedly profound story was nothing but a gory suicide scene when both of them either sliced their throats or gutted each other like a fish. This wasn’t only a big disappointment, it felt lackluster and managed to completely miss its mark. The prose however was beautiful. So there’s that.

My rating: 2 /5⭐

Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer

If you want a story that manages to raise more questions than it gives answers. I’m happy to exclaim that you found yourself the right book.

This story grabbed my attention from the get go, I was immediately hooked and excited to continue.

To vaguely summarize we are following a group of scientists on an expedition into some mystery area X. We don’t know why they are there, what they are trying to find and why the previous expeditions were unsuccessful.

The mystery aspect of it all made me have so many questions only for me to find out that the answers were not really given, and when they were it was more than a little underwhelming. Things weren’t fully explained and I don’t think I am interested enough to continue on with the ‘series’.

The writing was very immersive and the world building felt so real. It feels like a case of a great idea and amazing execution but then you built out this elaborate mystery and the reader has tons of questions while the ending ends up being lackluster and does not deliver. Reminds me of the same way the Game of Thrones tv series destroyed season 8. But again this was an overall really good book, especially for the speculative science fiction genre. And I still ended up having a great time.

My rating: 3.75 /5⭐

Two can play by Ali Hazelwood

I don’t know whether I just wasn’t in the mood to read a cute romance or whether this was just not a good one. But I’d argue it is the latter. I was promised to read a story about two video game designers/developers falling in love, obviously I would read anything Ali Hazelwood writes, even if it is to my detriment.
I know that it is fiction but all the characters were too silly, cutesy and fell flat. They were completely one dimensional and made of dare I say stereotypes - the gay men couple who are really cool bosses in an on and off again relationship, and the male dude best friend everyone thinks is your boyfriend, and don’t even get me started on the stupidest miscommunication ever!!!!!
In my head they were cartoonish and one dimensional. I could simply not connect nor see these characters as real people.
I cringed during every spicy scene and even had to stop reading cause I couldn’t take it. I read this book in spurts, and had to stop for a while when it was too much for me. What started out as a cute rom-com ended up being a generic less good copy and paste of her other books. I am being way too harsh and recognize that it takes a lot of work to write and publish a book, and Ali Hazelwood is an auto read author for me but this book made me miserable 😭.

My rating: 2.25 /5⭐

His & Hers by Alice Feeney

I guessed a few of the plot twists but the last one got me good. Seriously insane. As I edit this post I am on the sixth and final episode in the Netflix tv series adaptation of this book, and I am glad to report that I am enjoying my time with it.

Incredible, crazy yet realistic. Was hooked from the start and loved the shift between the points of view. Such a good and bingeable thriller. Am glad to say that I now will be reading every Alice Feeney book out there) If you haven’t read this book I highly recommend you go into it blind, that’s what I did, and I can assure you I was on edge the whole time I was reading it. An absolute banger!!!

My rating: 4 /5⭐

You’re not listening by Kate Murphy

Everyone should read this book!!!

It was incredibly insightful and informative. Glad to report that this wasn’t a generic self help book but a very well researched book by a journalist who was interested in the very act of listening. In this book you get the science of listening, the dozens of people who are great listeners, their advice, experience and lessons they have learnt. The author explains everything in a very easy to understand and digestible way. I think I learned a lot, and my copy of the book is highlighted and tabbed like crazy.

It made me see things in a different light, or shall I say hear things in a different way. This proved to be extremely helpful (in my research that I am doing for an article) but also extremely fascinating.

My rating: 4.25 /5⭐

The Housemaid by Freida McFadden

This book was a really fun and quick read. A classic thriller. Everyone is keeping secrets, you cannot trust anyone but not for the reasons you think and everyone has the ability to surprise you.

Managed to binge it in two sittings.

It was kind of predictable in some ways, while remaining engaging and fast-paced. It managed to grab my attention and intrigued me from the start. I loved how absolutely eerie and unsettling the first part of the book was. The second part was more so the gradual unraveling of the events.

It felt both like another classic thriller while still managing to be original and new. Really enjoyed reading this book, and I'll definitely read anything by Freida McFadden. If you are constantly reading thrillers than I guess you won't be shocked by the twist and the resolution. However, if this is your first rodeo then oh boy you'll greatly enjoy this.

Will be trying to continue on with the series. I’ve heard that the second book was even better than the first and I am never able to resist a fun fast paced and exhilarating read.

My rating: 3.5 /5⭐

Never Lie by Freida McFadden

Craved another twisty thriller by Freida McFadden and this delivered. It reminded me so much of Verity, with the whole sub plot of curious wife finds a manuscript and reads it bit by bit, only in this case, audio recordings.

This is basically a story about a psychiatrist who went missing about 3 years ago, and a couple who wants to buy her house visiting the location during a snow storm and now they are stuck in the house about to unravel the secrets of it all. Again this is super vague but you would definitely enjoy reading a thriller with as little information as possible.

This was a fun time but I don’t really feel anything aside from that. It didn’t manage to blow my mind and I didn’t really like any of the characters or feel strongly for them.

My rating: 3 /5⭐

Half his age by Jennette McCurdy

What can I say, I really love Jennette McCurdy’s writing style - it is raw, real and harsh. Her prose cuts straight to the meat of the bone.

This is a story about a 17 year old girl Waldo who gets to have an affair with her professor. We are in her point of view. This book was definitely not for the faint hearted. The intimate scenes were graphic and at times really gross. The story reeked of parental neglect and delved into manipulation, maturity and broken friendships.
I think this was a great exploration into age gap relationships, girlhood and disappointment. I really enjoyed Waldo being such a paradoxical character - a lot of her words and actions contradicted one another but I also feel like the “maturity” of a newly adult girl shines through. What does one expect of a 17 year old girl?
It was a complex and a very raw and page turning read for me.
My only real qualms with this book are that I didn’t feel that connected with our main character, a lot of the times she was very distant, and I felt like at some point the sex scenes were just there to evoke a nauseated gag reaction out of the reader instead of providing any meaningful insight into this taboo ‘relationship’.
But otherwise I will still be reading everything Jennette writes considering how much I love her writing style.

My rating: 3.25 /5⭐

Anyways thank you for reading this lengthy post/rant on books. As you can tell I am nothing if not passionate about what I read. Here is to hoping for another great reading month.

My February tbr is :

1. Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

2. Never let me go by Kazuo Ishiguro

3. I could be famous by Sydney Rende

4. Slanting towards the sea by Lidija Hilje

5. Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

I’d love to check out some of your recommendations, hear about your tbr for the month, and all and any bookish thoughts down below if you have any.

Happy Reading loves <3

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about you. I don’t know where you are or whether you’re happy or alright or if you are going through a hard time right now. I always think about you. Not exactly everyday, or like an obsession that I can’t get rid of, but sometimes in the peaceful moments when life doesn’t feel like a burden, my wandering mind drifts to think of you.

I think of you in the quiet moments or when I drift off to sleep or when I drive past that one place we used to share in our small town. In such moments of apparent stagnancy and quiet I think about you all the time, thoughts of you consume me, causing a mindless smile to form on the surface of my lips. Wondering about you, maybe even quietly praying for you, hoping you’re alright.

I only ever knew you for 3 years, some may argue that wasn’t enough time to truly get to know you, but I know you. I know you love summers, are very fond of Japan, take your “Italian roast” real dark (pretentious as ever) and I know you learned to write with your left hand for the sheer sake of trying something different. Years have passed since I have last seen you and yet still the memory of you lingers in my mind like a shadow or a ghost I can see yet am never able to hold on to for long enough. Call me mad Hamlet if you will.

Drifting apart may be one of the hardest things I had to go through. Not because it was dramatic or you hurt my feelings but because it still aches me to think of you. It is the memory of seeing you there at our mutual spot, that sting the most. I can see it and feel it but I can never have that back. I can never experience it again. Maybe that’s why everyone tells us to focus on the present because once that moment is gone you are going to feel the emptiness it left behind. My only regret would be that I didn’t savor these moments enough, didn’t appreciate them for what they were, I never imagined that you’d leave. No goodbye, no explanation, nothing left behind - just gone.

The hollow pit I felt, still feeling it to this day when my mind whispers your name. I was crying to my journal about you, deciphering the two letters you have written to me, complimenting me as if you could see that I wasn’t perfect and the facade I put up was really just a wall to avoid vulnerability, but you could see me trying, and you never made me feel incomplete for it. My thoughts were consumed by you, I tried to pretend that your sudden departure didn’t hurt me, holding my breath hoping that if I can pretend you aren’t really gone, you’ll come back. Spoiler alert : you didn’t.

By now you’re just some washed out memory, some might even say, a flashback. I carry it with me and can’t seem to let go. Everyone says that in order to move on you have to let it go, focus on the present and look to the future. And let go of the past, use it as a teacher they say but don’t look into it for too long or you’ll get sad and have many regrets. A friend once said that if I keep looking to the past as often as I do, it will inevitably consume me whole.

At this point, I am not even sure whether I am even capable of letting what little I have of you go, or whether it’s just my refusal to do so. Whichever reason it is, my inability to let go of you doesn’t cause me too much concern. After all, the acute pain I once felt in my ribs at the thought of not spending nearly everyday of my life in your presence has somewhat dulled. If I manage to fully let go of you I fear I’ll collapse (at the knowing that I’ll probably never get to see you again), the ghost of you has become a great source of comfort.

Miracles don’t happen to girls like me. So if I were to let my mind forget you, I’d have to make peace with the fact that you won’t be a recurring character in the film of my life and I’m not sure I can do that. Your name was written on the call sheet, you just weren’t able to come to the rehearsal.

Want me to put salt to the wound? I’m not even sure you remember me, or think of me and that uncertainty kills me. Maybe if I knew that I meant nothing to you I could erase you, but that stupid hope lingers within the confines of my mind. It is so funny, absolutely painfully hilarious that you have so much power over me, but I have nothing over you. I hate being vulnerable, and I hate being seen. Why would you make me feel safe if you’d end up leaving?

I still remember the way you used to laugh, that deep laugh that came from your belly or that stupidly crooked smile of yours and how it made me feel butterflies and all giddy. The way in which the outer corners or your eyes crinkled when you experienced joy, And how you’d huff in an irritated scowl of anger when someone really pissed you off. Whenever you’d see me look at you, your demeanor and that set look on your face always softened. Your eyes would always reflect your mood, in a weird way I always understood you. You were always the reason I felt giddy and lightheaded in the mornings, seeing you was like inhaling deeply after being deprived of oxygen for so long.

I’m not sure you’d know it but I always tried my best to impress you. To somehow make you laugh, or talk to you when you were all alone. I never made my adoration for you clear, always tried playing it “chill” and “nonchalant”, as if I (a mess in progress) was a cool girl. Never once did you suspect me, at least I am sure of that (ENFJs are social chameleons, so here’s to hoping), for having-fallen-on-head-weird-butterflies-in-my-stomach for you. Looking back I do regret not telling you how much you meant to me - I still regret that deeply.

I wish you were here, but wishes are silly little things that don’t come true very often so… I still stay in this same old town, where little has changed, near our old spot, right where you left me…

I have given up all sorts of social media except Substack, Pinterest and YouTube so it is very encouraging to spend if not all, then most of my spare time learning things which peak my interest. So I thought I’d jump in on the bandwagon and share what I’ll be attempting to go through and learn this Fall. I’ll be taking my exams this October/November so there might be some overlap with my academic requirements but I am genuinely interested in learning all about the topics that I mention.

[Incase you’d like to learn whatever I’ll be learning I always link books, videos and other resources I am using.]

John Donne’s poetry :

I’ll be going through some of John Donne’s poems. I have already read over 20 of his poems and would like to dive deeper into his Holy Sonnets due to his exploration of God and his attitudes towards his faith and particularly his earlier and more erotic poems about the nature of love and the battling of the spiritual and the physical. The works of his that I did read were cleverly and rather wittily crafted like a sort of “mental exercise”.

In one particular poem, The Flea, Donne compares him and his mistress getting bit by a flea as equivalent to having sex. In that poem he provides an extremely absurd but very clever argument as to why he and the maiden he speaks to can have sex - comparing the mingling on the bloods in the flea’s body to having sex. This poem peaked my interest in engaging with some of his other works and exploring the nature of love, sex, spirituality, desire and apparently fleas - and how interconnected they all are.

• John Donne Biography

• John Donne Poetry Foundation

• John Donne In our time - BBC (podcast)

• The Sonnet In our time - BBC (podcast)

• Our life in Poetry - John Donne

Egyptian Mythology :

As a child I loved Ancient Egyptian Mythology, the myths of Gods and Goddesses always held me captive. I even remember getting a big books about Egyptian myths, in Russian language, in a shape of a pyramid on my eleventh birthday.

As time went by I forgot most of the stories, only some I remember very loosely but I’d like to get back into learning about these ancient myths.

• Ancient Egyptian Gods and Goddesses

• History of Egyptian Mythology - British Museum

• Ancient Egyptian Mythology

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Consumer Psychology

I’d like to learn all about consumer psychology, particularly marketing strategies and the techniques that brands and ads employ for us to pick up or check out their products.

I have seen many brands like Rhode and MiuMiu use food as a way to market their products. Instances like Hailey Bieber marketing her lipgloss by using adjectives such as “glazed” is quite interesting. Whatever the brand does you can link it to food and somehow that creates some sort of desire and a hunger that cannot be satiated. I want to know why brands like Rhode have such a cult following and how does affiliation with food makes people want to buy that product? So I’ll be diving deep into that.

In terms of the broader topic of consumer psychology the Cambridge University AS & AL level coursebook by Julia Russell, Lizzie Gauntlett and Amy Papaconstantinou will be used. (As I’ll be expanding on this subject and other subjects as I learn and delve deeper into them, I will be updating this blog post and adding new resources as I go)

• What Is Consumer Psychology?

• How Hailey Bieber Built A Cult Following for Rhode Skin | Marketing Analysis | The Marketing Studio

• Neuromarketing: The new science of consumer decisions | Terry Wu | TEDxBlaine

• How Grocery Stores Exploit Consumer Psychology

• Glazed and Confident: A Case Study on Rhode's Marketing Masterclass

Books I’ll be reading (or rather my tbr) :

I’ll be reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, The Deas Poet’s Society by N.H Kleinbaum, The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud, Woman in me by Britney Spears, The Women by Kristin Hannah, Dubliners by James Joyce (my current read) and Animal Farm by George Orwell.

I’ll be re-reading The Giver by Lois Lowry and The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri (which is one of my all time favorite books).

Other things I’ll be reading that isn’t exactly considered as “books” :

Not sure if this falls under the category of curriculum and learning but these are miscellaneous things I’d like to binge read on a relaxing day.

Jujutsu Kaisen manga (watched the anime, haven’t read the manga but so excited - can’t wait for S3), continuing on with Lore Olympus on Webtoon, and Chainsaw man manga.

Dubliners by James Joyce :

James Joyce (1882-1941) is an Irish poet and novelist. His most famous work is Ulysses which was published in 1920-1922. My first encounter with Joyce was through his short story collection called Dubliners which was published in 1914. In this short story collection James Joyce explores the regular lives of people in Dublin, Ireland.

While a lot of readers have called it boring and uninteresting I found it deeply touching and in a lot of ways compelling. The brilliance of this collection remains in it being focused on the mundane life. It is a brilliant snapshot of life. Not many things in life are neat, resolved or explained. It shows this messy frustration of life. It mimics it perfectly. Somehow giving the lives of those people that we’ll never get to meet or understand, meaning.

Joyce himself even commented on Dubliners as trying to “convert the bread of everyday life into something that has a permanent artistic life of its own”

• James Joyce Biography

• James Joyce Documentary

• Why should you read James Joyce's "Ulysses"? - Sam Slote

• James Joyce: Ireland's Most Enigmatic Writer

• LITERATURE - James Joyce

• The World of James Joyce: His Life & Work documentary (1986)

• James Joyce historical context - Massolit courses

Wildlife/Animals :

I am in this phase of my life where I am starting to honor my inner child and really get back into doing and learning about things that she liked doing. One of these things was Animals and Wildlife. I have binged hours of BBC and National Geographic animal documentaries in my childhood. Getting back into learning more about our planet and all the wildlife and beauty that surrounds us would be a great way for me to metaphorically touch grass.

I’ll also be watching Season 2 of Our Planet, which if you didn’t know is absolutely the best thing Netflix could have offered us. It is the most gorgeous wildlife documentary series ever. So if you haven’t already, I highly recommend you watch it)

• The Insane Biology of : The Pangolin

• The Insane Biology of : The Saltwater Crocodile

• The Apex Predator We Still Don’t Understand

• The rise of Mammals - In our time (BBC podcast)

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Important resources for critical reading and annotation :

I am already doing a lot of critical reading for my A level literature classes but just wanted to share some resources that I found excellent for critical readin, critical thinking and media literacy and analysis.

• A beginner’s guide to Critical Literacy Analysis

• how to read critically in the age of bad media literacy

• How To Get The Most Out of A Book - Analytical Reading 101

• How I Annotate Books as a PhD Student

• How To Read Critically and Engage More With Books

• How to Read (and Understand) Hard Books

• How to Read Critically 101 📚 stop reading passively & unlock deeper meaning

• How to Get the Most out of a Book | Analytical Reading

Creators I love watching :

This is a list of creators I love watching, there are a lot more creators that I love and don’t mention in order to keep this list brief and to offer you a variety of resources. Whether for educational purposes or for entertainment - these are the creators that get me through a rough week.

• Anna Howard - The Wild Geese podcast

• The Book Leo - book videos and video essays (love her content)

• meg - video essays

• Noa Maria - books, vlogs and journaling videos

• oliSUNvia - philosophy and video essays

• Ashley Embers - video essays

• Christy Anne Jones - writing, routines and books

• Dakota Warren - the creator of Nowhere girl collection (digital literary magazine) and Internet’s favorite self proclaimed drunken nun

A general guide to the “tools” :

I have always used a commonplace book, the one I have can fit right in the palm of my hand - people commonly refer to this size as a “pocket” notebook. It is the type of journal that I carry to record miscellaneous quotes, recipes, sometimes to do lists, ideas and anything I feel like including or talking about in my blog here.

Now I tried listening to podcasts, watching videos and reading but to be honest it all goes into one ear and out the other - so I decided to have some tools that would help me to record information (aka take notes) to properly engage with it.

I recently created Digital Archives on Notion. This is essentially where I keep my links, and other notes I have on certain topics in one organized little “library”. The best part about Notion is that it is free and completely customizable, and I could jot down these notes and ideas that I have from my iPad, phone or laptop (This is not sponsored I just genuinely love Notion, but there are obviously other digital planning/note taking/creative systems out there so you do you). Whatever digital app or site works for you can be turned into your own digital archives. This is a place of rough drafts, storage and a place to accumulate and organize information.

Another tool I’ll be using is a simple spiral bound notebook. You could start fresh with some cute notebook or use half filled notebooks from your previous school years, after dropping out of Biology class I had 3 blank half filled out notebooks that I felt like shouldn’t end up going to waste. I picked up one of them and now use it as a way to take notes on whatever subjects that interest me. In this way, I am not wasting any paper while also engaging with information in a deeper way (that allows me to understand and remember it).

I don’t use pencils much or a lot (only when I’m drawing or painting) in my note taking process but I do use a lot of ballpoint, fountain and gel pens. Highlighters in pastel colors, sticky notes, sticky tabs and thin fine liners also help me get the job done. If you are a stationery fiend like me this is your sign to go crazy on your stationery (just make sure you actually use and need whatever you buy).

• How to revive a “Back to school” mentality as an adult

• Planning a personal curriculum for September

• Self Education : Your best defense against brainrot

• How to take notes like a Literature Phd

• You have time : 12 ways to educate yourself daily

• Overwhelmed? Mind mapping methods to finally get clarity

• How to make studying so FUN

I know this isn’t exactly the lengthiest of curriculums ever but it is one that I feel works well for me and my interests. I already do a lot of academic studying so I am just trying to be curious again and have fun learning. Whatever your personal curriculum is I hope you will enjoying learning, falling down various rabbit holes and generally become more curious about the world around us.

As if a train of ideas and motivations burst from one’s soul, and are calling you to get to immediate work. In a very work and productivity driven society where time is considered as lost money or opportunity, the time that isn’t spent hustling or chasing one’s dreams is considered a waste of time. 1

We believe that becoming better is synonymous with constant change, constant work and constant hustle. That the so called “breaks” are for weaklings and losers. Apparently, while you waste away your time sleeping someone else is getting ahead of you and becoming better than you.

When we do feel the need to relax and take a day off - the voice in the back of our mind whispers “this isn’t productive”. Trust me, I know what it’s like living in a state of perpetual burn-out and anxiety, having to worry as if that extra hour of sleep may cost you your dreams. Truth be told, everyone needs their beauty sleep.

Our society values constant progress, work and hustle - truth be told if you need a break or feel exhausted you are shunned from the spaces because you aren’t driven or “ambitious” enough. The most famous case of this was a story I have heard about a woman that turns off her phone on the weekends so her boss won’t be able to bother her, yet when she got back to work - her boss proceeded to call her lazy and a “bad worker” when all this woman ever did was take her legal days off to recuperate and recharge.

“People adhered to the idea that you must devote yourself only to work and sacrifice everything outside of it.” - Heejung Chung (sociologist)

The worst part of all this is that while you keep running and chasing that success you forget about a very important variable in all this, you keep distracting yourself with productivity and the betterment of the self while forgetting about death. That inevitably you would have spent your only life working a soul sucking 9 to 5 job, feeling no sense of purpose outside the toxic work sphere, possibly not even knowing your kids and family and then there you are on your death bed - filled to the brim with regret and I should haves’.

The more we keep putting work on the pedestal of our lives, the more unhappy and unfulfilled we may become. I am suddenly reminded of this quote, said by Emily’s fabulous coworker Luc, from the tv series Emily in Paris:

“You live to work. We work to live. Yes, it’s good to make money but what you say is success, I say is punishment.”

In ancient Rome, as the triumphal processions were held, and the spoils of the war were showcased to the emperor, a distinct phrase, “memento mori”, was whispered into the emperor’s ear. Some say it was a reminder of glory and the weight of power and the obvious inevitability of death2. The phrase memento mori is a Latin phrase which literally translates to “remember you have to die”. In this way people that so often used to distract themselves with gladiator fights and the hustle and bustle of the mundane roman life would feel extremely aware of their own mortality.

Which leads you to wonder why would anyone need a reminder of that, it is both extremely discouraging, depressing and frankly a fact. Truth be told carrying objects or token that had said “memento mori” or even meant to emphasize the inevitability of death, such as keeping an hourglass or a skull, were used to remind people that they obviously can’t escape the cold grasp of death and also that this “awful” mortality is what makes life treasured.3

As Levi Belnap writes “If you remember that you are going to die, then you will stop wasting time and make better decisions now. You face the truth that life is short and you make the most of whatever time you have”.

The fact that all this is going to end one day. That we can’t take our physical belongings with us, to the afterlife, can create a mindset of gratitude and make us less greedy to both power and money (some people may also become less stingy and hoard less if they have this reminder in their back pocket).

Being reminded of how relatively little time we have to spend on this planet and how it can all end at any moment makes you appreciate life more. In a weird way it fosters gratitude, it also leaves you feeling a bit resigned but that’s all right cause you can always become a Stoic4.

Now with the rise of AI and improved social media algorithms that are designed to steal your precious time5 it is interesting to see how the “grind more” mindset persists. Some articles, like the BBC one I linked down below in the footnotes, say that there might be a decrease in the toxic work-life balance that is essentially turning into a more positive and balanced one.

As people are now craving authenticity, experience, and genuine connection and meaning. Well I personally am not an expert by any means nor am I qualified to speak on this subject but if I could add my 2 cents to the conversation - I would like to disagree. Even though we make it look like we aren’t solely focused on work or that our lifestyles are more “balanced” I have a Middle class working father that spends the majority of his day working and grading student’s papers even when he is at home supposedly “resting”. I also know that with the rise of fast fashion, ever since Zara became one of the trendsetters for this toxic, harmful and wasteful industry in the 1990s, a lot of factory workers are paid less than minimum wages and have to spend more time sewing the clothes, not to mention the exploitation and the rising death toll and inhumane treatment of the workers that leads them to exhaustion6.

Considering that even influencers are pushing themselves to states of near burn out where they are supposed to churn out new, original, innovative, and creative content every week to get promoted by that same algorithm that values trends over authenticity and brand over people.

I don’t think that we are any way near finding that alleged healthy balance between work and life but I do think that with the emerging trends like minimalism core and (my favorite) creators like Elena Tea, Noa Maria, inayah and The Book Leo that promote mindful consumption over wasteful hauls, fast fashion and fast consumption - we will be alright.

In conclusion, go take that much needed nap, sit in silence with your thoughts and do nothing. Take that break, book that flight to Venice that you always wanted to visit and stop putting off living your life for some perfect moment. Instead live your life to the fullest right now.

Remember “memento mori” …

I kept taking pictures of anything and everything, really taking my time to explore the light, shading, exposure and the effects. I kept taking pictures of my mom just for the fun of it - in the pictures, her hair was a bit disheveled, she was wearing her tank that highlighted her arms in an “unflattering way”, and her eyeliner might have been a bit smudged at the corners. In the end I had to delete the pictures because she didn’t like them. In fact every picture I took of her, or she of herself, she wasn’t a fan of.

I looked back at the images I had of my parents on my phone and theirs, scrolling through their images app - and except our family photoshoot that we had done about 6 years ago, it looks like there are scarcely any photos of them at all. In the modern landscape of social media, keeping family albums is now a very rare practice - my grandmother used to do it till I was about 7 years of age, and what really bothers me is that after that time period of the early 2000s we somehow stopped this practice. The pictures we do end up taking, once every blue moon, are on a phone and most of them have Snapchat filters on them with cute glittery bear or bunny ears.

To be fair these images don’t really objectively count as “actual photos”. They don’t hold any weight to them as our features are distorted and changed. My nose is slimmed down, my acne removed and my cheeks are more “sucked in” like an actual model. The image I look at is merely a shallow shell of what I am or how I look like.

My mom claims that she isn’t the type that looks good on pictures. I guess everyone around the world that doesn’t like their face or body says that. This made me think of how recently in our attempt to not look “bad”, “unflattering” or “cringy” on photos we inevitably lose ourselves to history, time and non of our potential descendants would ever even remember us. We end up becoming forgettable.

When my great-grandmother died our whole family scoured for photos of her to save, to cherish. But with the way our insecurities go - like not being able to take a photo without a filter it would mean that our potential children and grandchildren would never see us or even have some tangible reminder of us, like my family did of my great grandmother.

It makes me so sad that the future generations they’d never see our laugh captured, or the way our eyes shone when opening Christmas presents, they would never even be able to browse through old family photo albums or scrapbooks, because we haven’t got any. They would see a lifeless image instead. Smooth skin, dramatic model pose and a filter that would turn the image slightly pink in hue. We’d be a one shot wonder. We’d live in a single photo - never to be seen again.

We rely on Notes to record our thoughts yet we forget about journals, we rely on AI to record our story and then when we are old we wonder if anyone would remember us. No, they won’t. Most likely they won’t.

My great-grandma kept hundreds of birthday cards, old photos and recipe journals. I remember that she used to write down all the funny jokes we made as children and she would always write the date on them and what age we were. She would cherish everything that others would throw away, forget or not need. She would always tell us family anecdotes, of her adventures and of funny work stories. She was an incredibly sentimental person. I sometimes wonder what my grieving mother would have felt if she had no pictures, cassette videos, or journals from her grandmother. She’d be more heartbroken - knowing that she could never see her smile again.

Now that I come to think of it I doubt we will be remembered. With nothing but YouTube vlogs to show for, and a notes app filled to the brim with miscellaneous thoughts - we really have nothing. No stories, no photos and no memories.

In our desperate attempts at saving ourselves from “cringy” photographs we miss out on capturing life, a reminder, a collection of what it’s like to live. And our desperate attempts at avoiding our insecurities would always keep us stuck. If my great-grandmother didn’t keep the so called “junk journals” and albums that she made and kept for the entirety of her life, if she didn’t hoard every card and envelope sent her way - I would never feel her again. I would never feel that presence. We forget that there is so much personality, so much essence in a handmade card, a diary or signed polaroid photographs.

So for the love of God, please stop worrying about being cringe and buy that damn polaroid camera!

With all this being said I still sometimes wonder if I am good enough at writing while other times I seem to stare at the words wishing they made sense to me. There is no in between, or at least for me. Now that I’ve started writing curated pieces of niche explorations into anything that interests me, I can share my tips in somewhat of a confidence. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t is my motto, but this is my foolproof way to get the juices flowing for a writing session. If you’d like more writing tips, highly recommend you read Bri Wheeler’s The Best Writers? They're UNHINGED. In addition to all this, if you are in a writing slump or a creative rut I highly recommend you do The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, this 12 week course so far has been an incredible tool in my recovery journey so I hope it can help you as well.

Morning pages

It is incredibly important to set yourself up for success, meaning, writing morning pages every single day. Even when you don’t have something that you want to write you get out your journal and your pen and write a stream of consciousness.

The Urban Wild Studio writes : In short, morning pages are (in the words of author Julia Cameron herself):

• Three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning

• *There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages* They are not high art. They are not even “writing”

• They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind– and they are for your eyes only

• Capture your cloud thoughts; can be whining, grumpy, petty. Can be cheerful, pleasant, enlightening

• Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize the day at hand

• Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page...and then do three more pages tomorrow

I also write during the day, but this step isn’t crucial. Sometimes, I am overthinking and feel like cleaning my brain of all the unnecessary junk it has been storing. While, other times I don’t really have anything to say, so I don’t write anything besides my required morning pages. Doing morning pages everyday is significant to my ability to creatively write. It changed the way I write and also the quality of it. Think of the morning pages as an artistic exercise, a warm up sketch before doing any actual painting that is worthy, polished and finished. Doing this allows me to let go of the burden of the thoughts and feelings that I have been storing, it allows me to write with a clear head. You’ll also never know if you could later use your journal pages for your blog posts or at the very least as some inspiration. I do this sometimes, not without editing though but I do like converting my miscellaneous rambling thoughts into substantial writing drafts.

A notebook can go along way

Experience has taught me that always carrying a pocket notebook (otherwise known as a commonplace journal) with me, increases the chances of creating more and more often. Having something tangible to write on is a gamechanger. I know a phone could more efficiently do that job but maybe I’m just not used to relying too much on my phone and I feel much more at ease once my ideas are on a physical medium. That I know can’t accidentally get deleted. You’ll never know when the next great idea might spring up on you. You can’t predict that, but even the most unlikely place or scenery can get your creative juices flowing. So carrying it everywhere is essential.

Organize

Writing doesn’t have to be tough. You can always schedule posts, plan and structure your essays and even set a time for editing, writing, brainstorming etc. Make a little list of all the things you have to do to get a post published and organize them. Some people work better when they have no set schedule and are free and flexible with it. However, I would say that sometimes that freedom can overwhelm you. You are more likely to procrastinate or gaslight yourself into thinking you have a whole month to finish this important piece when you spent all your time doomscrolling and now have less than two days to reach the deadline. So always plan ahead.

Growing while remaining authentic

A catchy header is what would get people clicking and reading your essay. A lot of people don’t like to admit this, but at the end of the day we writers, write to be read. It does not mean that we are somehow manipulative or capitalist demons hoping to get monetized, it just means we like to be seen. My advice in that regard, or at least what I’ve seen others do is, say something witty or exaggerate your idea as a title but also try showing your reader what they can come to expect. Despite that, still remain genuine, even when you know that the start of the essay should hook the reader’s attention. We are dealing with fighting short attention span here. When I published my 17min essay about the complexities of love on Substack only 33% of the people who viewed it actually read it. Whether we like to admit it or not, but even in a cultured and “sophisticated” sphere like Substack the length of your essay may determine your success as a writer. But I just felt that I can not dilute and reduce some of my essays, because they are exactly the length they are supposed to be. I am still trying to find that balance, and am not trying to make this a game of who has the most subscribers, this is about not letting numbers of readers and your ambitions get caught up with your passion for writing. I know first hand what happens to passion once you mix in a huge ego, constant desire for more and a greed for money. You have to pick whether you want to be genuine or grow fast ? Do you feed your ambitions and succumb to the algorithm or do you remain great but unknown to the world, that is the question.

Hard works pays off when you don’t expect anything

Remain consistent and always work towards some goal. But instead of making it something that you can’t control like your subscriber count - make it something you can control, like how often you post or posting 1 note per day. The growth may be slow but it will happen. I guess what I’m saying is don’t set expectations and don’t even place your happiness there, don’t make it dependent. Enjoy the journey and continue writing.

Being spontaneous and messy helps

I like working on many drafts all at once and then I select one and polish it off. I have writing days where I go through all my drafts and see what I want to work on and usually go back and fourth working on two essays at the same time. I pick an essay I want to publish next and that gets worked on, edited and proofread for over 8 times. Pro tip : leave your essay for a day or two and come back with a fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective and edit it again. That is lifechanging. Allowing to have this breathing space between you and your works help you look at it way more objectively. So try it out, if you haven’t already.

In order to create more, you need to consume first

I read a lot. And I read a variety of books, essays and Substack articles. To illustrate this here are the books I am reading right now; Harry Potter and the half-blood prince by J.K Rowling, Selected Poems by John Donne, Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros and Dubliners by James Joyce. A variety of non connected and vastly different books, but I consume. Yes, I consume at a slower rate and I analyze the various works I read in my journal - the fact remains that, I consume. And you should too. People can have multitudes and it isn’t illegal exploring totally opposite ends of a spectrum. So read outside your comfort genre and allow yourself to freely consume. What even makes up a good book? We all can’t even agree on that. Do yourself a favor and pick up a book you actually want to read. (I love Fourth Wing and I’m not ashamed heh.) Stop listening to those that judge and be brave enough to try thing you haven’t tried before. Who knows, maybe you’ll feel inspired to write? (I also tend to consume a lot of Substack essays and I end up analyzing or discussing them in my journal, I also do that for movies and shows I am watching).

On a final note…

To be a good writer all you need (as stupid and straightforward as this may sound) is to write. If you write your morning pages everyday, you will be able to build a habit of writing and writing would feel like the words are flowing through you rather than short running spurts of writing with no inspiration whatsoever and the feeling of being stuck. Somedays that still happens, even in my morning pages, but to get through this you have to write. Take the time right now to reflect on your writing habits and routines, write them down in your journal. Maybe, try out a few of my tips or implement all of them - do whatever works best for you. And trust your gut. Start reading more, watching more, observing more and discovering more. Maybe you feel in a writing slump or stuck - take your sweet time to read. Whenever I am consistent with the habit of reading is when I don’t feel stuck, constantly inspired and I don’t seem to let basic English words fly out of my brain.

If you’re hoping to start out writing but still haven’t, take this as a sign from God, from the Universe, whoever or whatever you believe in - this might be your moment of synchronicity.

Once you get older, the simplicity seems to fade, the joys of past seem to tarnish and your birthday jitters turn to existential dread. It is as if a veil had been abruptly wrenched from above your innocent head and you are left exposed, sitting in silence staring at the grim realities, fears and insecurities of growing up. Year after year the feeling worsens and that hollow pit in your stomach soon turns into a black void.

Safe to say that over the years, birthdays lost their magic. A part of me suspects that my early experience with depression, which lasted for over 6 years, might have caused this more empty feeling to set in on all of my birthdays. I believe that some people refer to it as the birthday blues. “The birthday blues can happen to anyone, but Dr. Zuckerman says the patients who bring this up to her tend to have trouble with their confidence and feel anxious being in the spotlight.” writes Shannon Barbour for Wondermind.

As if those feelings only ever spring up on your birthday?! These primal feelings of discomfort only come to light on our birthdays, or in other more common mainstream psychology lingo, birthdays trigger the already existing demons we hide in our Pandora’s box. It frees these beasts from their shackles and allows them to spring up on you on your supposed “happiest day of the year”. Threatening to consume you, or something less menacing, like make you cry on the bathroom floor.

For the longest time, I thought I could not relate to anyone. Surely, no one would feel that out of sorts on their birthday. My nuclear family also wasn’t helping, as any attempt at being honest and sharing what I felt meant I got labeled as “ungrateful” and “unappreciative”. Which only ever added to the pressure of performing on my birthdays to avoid causing any drama or having any confrontations. So you just plaster on that smile, break down only when you are within the safe confines of the bathroom and act as this happy lucky girl that you somehow are.

It never made sense to me ; people are supposed to be happy and here I am looking morose. The constant shame spiral of my deviation from the so called “normality” only made me feel more guilty, ungrateful and abashed. I guess once you think about things deeply, an unexplainable force hits you in the head and gives you the answers. Then I guess there is some light at the tunnel. As I was reflecting on my upcoming birthday, I realized that the reasons that birthdays seem so daunting is because of the high and unrealistic value we, and others assign to it. The pressure is what most often destroys those faint of heart.

As I sat down talking to my Uncle about all this, he mentioned that the number of people to celebrate, decreases with every birthday of his. Not only do your loved ones pass on, but your close friendships seem to dwindle over time. No longer feeling like there is a point or reason for connection without sharing similar interests, people just leave your life as carefully as they came into it. Without these people, that have made your life worth living, big events like birthdays or New Year’s Eve lose their significance and slowly turn into reminders of your insignificance and deep loneliness.

In such a way these days become a day of “what ifs” and regrets for us to reminisce over and reinforce the dramatic mantra of “I am going to die alone?”. Maybe I hated my birthdays because of the hatred I had for the day I was born. When I was a teenager, I viewed this day as the day when all my problems have started, maybe it still is that day, I don’t really know how to feel about it anymore. After a lot of that bitterness and resentment have gone away, only a hollow resemblance of that feeling remained present. Nothing but vague intrusive thoughts. With a lot of healing done, I don’t view life that negatively anymore, moments gained color again, memories lost some of that blurry haziness, a lot of people were forgiven, but birthday’s have still remained the only day in a year when I feel real dread. It is the only day that makes me remember all my past birthdays and how shitty and performative they all were.

The epiphany I seemed to undergo only hinted at a part of the problem of the birthday blues. So I decided to try to understand this common phenomenon, by diving deeper into my contacts, doing questionings and deep diving into Subreddits. Upon my investigation, I have seen many Reddit users comment on their experience with the so called “birthday blues”. Absolutely being determined to find different explanations of, in short, “why birthdays suck?”, I decided to try to understand what exactly is causing me and potentially so many other human beings to hate this day.

About 3 years ago, I was in an extremely severe depressive episode, it was the second week of July and my birthday was coming up in a few days. I was listening to Pity Party by Melanie Martinez and crying in my bed. The worst part was that I couldn’t even pin point where my sadness was coming from. It was multiple things all at once. It was feelings of regret, hating the attention, thinking about another year I wasted, all my past birthdays where family members started drama or long ass arguments to tell me how ungrateful I am, the guilt, the grief of losing a childhood. It was all too much so I did what I could ; listen to my sad playlist, and cry in the closet while everyone was having a blast at the BBQ brunch my Grandmother was hosting outside.

Birthdays seem to evoke the same type of dread for anyone that has ever felt like a burden. “I absolutely HATE my birthday. It fills me with guilt. […] I wish birthday celebrations weren't even a concept.” comments one Reddit user. Another user says “My birthday is in 2 days, feeling the birthday blues pretty hard right now. No one really celebrates me so yeah its just another day”. Being overlooked or feeling guilty for existing or having a “full day” to yourself can make people feel uncomfortable, isolated and lonely. Losing friends or those closest to you also adds to the widespread feeling of wanting to altogether disappear on this day.

Moreover, a narcissistic parent is the cause of this nine out of ten times (or at the very least one of the primary causes of why adults hate their birthday). If your birthday, the one day in a year that is supposed to be all special, is somehow tainted by some previous bad experiences (in my case several birthdays back to back) you are more likely to associate your birthday with neglect, loneliness or feeling downright useless. “A deeply seated feeling that I don’t deserve to be celebrated. Also, my mum forgot my birthday when I was younger and that was a hard day.” and “This. I'm tired of being forgotten. I go all out for others [because] I hate that feeling[...]” one person explains. Yet another Reddit user agrees “My mother's birthday is the day before mine, so...growing up we just "shared" our birthday celebration. She made it all about herself too. I remember many times as a YOUNG CHILD crying at "our" birthday party because she got her favorite cake and her favorite food etc. I hated my birthday for years.”

During a talk I had with one of my family members I have been told that : “I keep losing my friends, keep losing my family. This shit doesn’t stop year after year. I hate my birthday because it is a reminder of all the people I don’t have in my life anymore.”

The feeling of deep rooted loneliness was always there, but I guess an event adds pressure and in turn amplifies this feeling. Making it hard to not blame your birthday for worsening your mental state or being the “only day in a year” where you are miserable.

Sorting through the hundreds of replies, I wanted to list the reasons I have found so far. While birthday anxiety isn’t exactly objectively measured via statistics and standardized questionnaires, the replies seem to have some similarities between them. That way you could read the direct replies above and see varying explanations for why someone may strongly dislike birthdays and/or birthday celebrations.

My birthday is this very week. And I guess I tried turning all this pain and discomfort into something resembling of a logical, well thought out essay. I am feeling the birthday blues (I am also sick right now which is a cherry on top), but instead of acting like everything is fine - I am going to accept that is isn’t. I am going to treat this day as any other and I will just get through it - taking this day one step at a time and trying not to get caught up in my own head.

If your birthday is approaching or you just celebrated, I am wishing you all the best. Hoping that you find peace, as I am still trying to find peace for my restless mind myself.

If you’re going through the birthday blues right now, I just wanted to say that I hear you and I feel you, and I feel for you. While I am healing, birthdays are still by far one of the most triggering days to me. I guess it gets better with time, and you always have an option as an adult to turn off your phone during that dreadful day and do something comforting by yourself, for yourself. This day is one which you should approach with no expectations, gentleness and a lot of breathwork exercise (so you don’t end up hyperventilating on the bathroom floor).

I was always some kind of a Lover girl. I felt things deeply, read romance novels, maintained crushes longer than all of my friends did, romanticized my life as if I was living in a rom-com and most importantly I wrote love letters and dozens of pages that describe the way their eyes glistened in the right kind of light. The first albums of Taylor Swift’s that I deeply connected to were Lover and Fearless, these were the albums that really made my Lover girl heart feel seen. Even though my love life was kind of stale (still kind of is) , the hope of my crush talking to me or walking past me, made me feel all giddy and excited. I played and replayed all these moments in my head, carefully storing them all for later. Treasuring each and every one of them. It was as if, if I held on too tight to them, then they would never be forgotten. Daydreaming really came in handy back then.

I was always so scared of forgetting the littlest things about the people I love. Like their scent, or the way their face lights up when they smile, or their little habits. Love, in a lot of ways, is a feeling that I want to look back on and remember how it felt. I want to remember all the people that I loved at one point in my life and lost. I just want to remember. And love is about remembering. The very act of recollection in one’s memory is an intimate pursuit of love. Often times the little details that are forgotten with time, are the ones that make up that person. Once they are gone all you can remember is the Sunday coffee runs you had together, the ragged cerulean cardigan they liked to wear when they were cold or the poetry collection they used to carry everywhere with them. This was a big reason for why I maintained my constant journaling practice beyond childhood, because it was just so easy and effortless to collect all these moments for keepsake. So if I ever forget them, any of them, I can always remember them by reading through the tangible logs of my memories.

I’ve very recently read these two great blog posts about love, that I wanted to mention, written by Blithe Saxon which are ; I broke up with the best man I’ve ever known because I deserve more. and I Broke Up With the Best Man I’ve Ever Known… Then I Went to Dinner With Him. Safe to say these two brilliantly written pieces of writing inspired me to delve deeper into love or at least into my definition of it. Particularly, the “martyred love” that the hopeless romantics tend to exhibit and the depth of both platonic, but especially, romantic love. While I may not be super experienced in that area, I do have some literal experience of yearning and pining over someone for years (at one point there were crushes and that did fluctuate, so it doesn’t really count).

I realize there is something about love, that quality of both trust and devotion but also it is passionate and chemical. It is intimacy. And not in a sexual way but in the handholding, shoulder brush, look into your eyes and smile, or talking till 3 am kind of way. That kind of intimacy is the one I am referring to. When you look at them and know what they are thinking about, when there is this comfortable silence where you don’t need to fill the gaps in, or when you try their drink from the same straw, or feel an intense urge to hug them to make their pain go away. That kind of love, that kind of intimacy is sacred. That kind of closeness, when you are somebody’s and they are yours. The inside jokes, the eye signals, the crumpled up notes you throw at them, the lying on a bed and doing completely different tasks but talking to each other, making them laugh effortlessly because you know their sense of humor, the annoying tousling of the hair, the dirty minded jokes that make you spit your drink or snort it up your nose and strenuously cough it out. That’s love to me.

You also realize that on some kind of level love may be superficial, you wonder if they’d love you at your worst or when you look bad or if you didn’t have the personality you had or the facial features you do. In romantic relationships you may often question yourself and your worth. Anxiety and worry and jealousy are only ever created in the not-so-healthy romantic relationships, as far as I understand. You wonder if you’d be a background character in their life if you were different or if you were to change. If you start “letting yourself go” (as some men tend to call their pregnant wives or those that just had a baby, don’t even get me started on the misogynistic nature of this) or not shaving or dressing differently or not wearing enough makeup. “Would I still be attractive to them?” the thought rings aloud. The point stands would your partner love you without all those superficial “add-on’s”. Some women even ask their partners silly questions like “would you love me if I was a worm?”. While the question may seem meaningless and stupid, deep down these women are afraid of the “conditionals” of love. These unrealistic what-if scenarios only stem from a wild imagination and a lot of insecurity. After being hurt so many times I can’t help it but be cautious of someone’s motives and genuinely wondering whether they would actually stand by me in my worst and best moments.

Would some other person, seemingly better than you, really make your partner change their mind about you? Sometimes you think that if you don’t compete with others (like their friends or random attractive acquittances they meet), you won’t be loved. I have seen so many men mindlessly cheat, they can’t often even explain why they did what they did. Especially as women we are taught to compete for love. As if it is some kind of contest called “who is the hottest in the room?”. It is like there are dangers everywhere these days. People, can so easily fall in and out of feeling “love” for someone, that it scares you. This unpredictable rollercoaster mindfucks you. You get addicted to chasing the person. They become some kind of drug you can’t live without. But what’s worse is being vulnerable with someone you are not sure is going to commit to you. Being left and abandoned is a primal and biological fear. Although, this fear isn’t as deadly now as it was say 4,000 years ago in the Caveman era. It is scary. Vulnerable. Uncomfortable. It makes me think about this one quote from [Daisy Jones and The Six] by Taylor Jenkins Reid, that goes: “I think you have to have faith in people before they earn it. Otherwise it's not faith, right?”

It is hard to give out your faith and hand in your trust to a person that you want to build a future with. How does one even know if they are worth the believing in? You can’t. It is what makes love feel like a “falling” sensation, because you are not sure whether you will ever reach some kind of bottom or if someone will hold your hand whilst you are actively falling or if they’ll fall with you. You are falling and unsure of where this is going to take you, where you are going to land. It is blind trust, I guess even if your partner makes you question it. That trust. Just because you had a bad experience with being betrayed and used in your former relationship, does not mean the next relationship isn’t worth your trust. You can never predict that or know in advance. Relationships and primarily the love you feel, it is supposed to hurt you over and over again, until you build character and potentially find your person. The idea is that you get hurt and you keep getting hurt but despite that you still are open to the world and all that it has to offer. You are going to accept love after all the bruised knees you’ve had from falling for the wrong person.

It is also hard to not idolize that person that you crush on secretly and not create an image of them in your head. We fear the truth so we create a narrative that seems to satisfy us. A tried and true system. We build a character of that person in our heads, and get disappointed when they aren’t who we “thought they were”. Pretty relatable, huh? Maybe we mistook a crush for love, or their gorgeous looks and down-to-earth personality as a sign from God, that says “they are the one”. We get hurt, or they say and do hurtful things and we still put on those rose sunglasses, find excuses, because it is what is the most comfortable to us. We don’t fear losing them, we fear the idea of losing them, of losing a person we convinced ourselves that cares. Even when every fiber of their being, shows us that they most likely hate us.

Which makes me think as love as this possessive and very selfish force. Where we indulge ourselves in the idea of them, rather than actually opening up our eyes and really getting to know that person. I wonder if society values that big diamond rock on her hand and milestones as such, since a lot of men get praised for “owning” a woman. Women get praised for being taken “off the market” and men for being the ones that get them off the market. As if love between two people is a transaction. The woman being the product, the man being the consumer. Ownership and calling someone “theirs” is what some people view as love or romantic. When even loosely “owning” a person isn’t genuine love. You want to have that person, like a bird in your golden cage of care. No matter who they end up loving or what they want for themselves, you want to have them and serve them an idea of your “so called love” even when the real you does anything to keep them with you and actually does all these things out of selfishness and greediness. Do you even love them if you are getting in the way of their dreams? If you loved them I would believe that you would stick to the martyred hopeless romantics. And have this type of sacrificial love at play rather than ownership.

Scared of becoming history to them you end up making bad choices, ones that you would later come to regret. As famously said by SZA, in the song Kitchen, we are forced to “vacation in [our] rock bottom”. Following this period of self-destruction and hitting the worse rock-bottom ever known to mankind (or so you think), you finally start to let go of the all consuming love and are forced to regenerate, pouring all of that energy into your neglected self with an overwhelming abundance of self-love and self-care. Surprised that after the strongest rainstorm of your life, you still stand tall to see the sun.

Maybe love doesn’t have to hurt so much. Why do we feel the need to torture ourselves over and over again for someone we think we love. “What’s worse is that, that someone probably gives zero shits about you” I think aloud after watching Carrie, my favorite character in Sex and the City, make yet another stupid decision. I keep thinking to her and Mr. Big’s relationship and still have no clue why we do this to ourselves. Why do we keep repeating Carrie’s mistakes? Is love that addictive of a force? or do we just secretly hate ourselves? Even though deep down we know the outcome we still keep torturing ourselves over and over again. Coming back to the person that kept hurting us. Are we just all secretly masochistic and hedonistic in our pursuit of martyred one-sided love? Do we really find pleasure in the pain?

Maybe it is about finding your fireplace and not your spark Huda Beauty’s sister once said in some podcast. This way of thinking makes love a very healthy and stable flow. A flame that you nurture and one that doesn’t blow out easily. You putting them first, and them putting you first, it cancels out. The relationship must feel equal and you do feel like your effort and love is being reciprocated. I always feel fulfilled in my familial or platonic relationships. Maybe love, romantic love in particular shouldn’t be the one to drain us? I expect it should fill us up just the same.

Love is often viewed as a transaction. Especially in modern Western dating cultures. Truth is, it often is. We give expecting to receive. At least most of the time. Maybe society and TikTok algorithm have turned us all into covert narcissists that expect something in return? If we end up giving without that being reciprocated then that makes us hurt and our poor hearts break. It’s a very painful and unpleasant feeling, I should know as my ass is used to rejection.

Some people think that love can get lost over time. I can’t say whether I agree fully with this sentiment, but if you put that fire out it sure can’t last. If you don’t take care of your relationship of that romantic spark won’t it fizzle out into nothingness. If you aren’t careful with the “fragile” nature of love, you can either put the fire out or burn yourself. Sometimes love is equated to only its physical counterparts; passion and physical attraction. Which isn’t really love. Anyone can be attractive or handsome or pretty but you will always chose that one person. They may not be the most physically attractive person in the room but your heart calls out to them. There is something about them that acts as gravity. Pulling you closer into their orbit. I believe that love can’t die out, if it’s cared for and held sacred by both parties then that shouldn’t happen.

I am often scared of becoming someone’s history. I’ll admit that. I meet the person and my mind immediately wonders “will you forget me? when will you forget me?”. I am scared of becoming someone’s past (although that does heavily depend on who that person is). Truth is that most martyred hopeless romantics, like myself, constantly think about and even the most loyal people on Earth may find themselves thinking whether they are replaceable to their significant other. The jail of timelines and “what if’s” and regrets and possibilities. Anything and everything that hasn’t happened, haven’t happened or won’t happen - it scares us. It makes us wonder. Truth is, and maybe that is my depressive realism speaking here, but we are all replaceable to a degree. You can replace anyone nowadays. AI culture being heavily promoted and on the rise, doesn’t seem to help the situation right now, it is so easy to replace people and it does serve as some sort of a catalyst to speed up the process of replacing. I know that we’d like to think that we can’t replace anyone or be replaced ourselves, that somehow you must be that “one-in-a-billion” type of person, but that just isn’t true. When you die, the love of your life may move on. When they die you might move on. These type of hypotheticals that don’t seem real at the very moment might turn out to be truthful. We just don’t think we’re like that or that they are like that. We’d like to think of ourselves as morally superior, and place our significant others accordingly on the same high pedestal. [Just read One True Loves by Taylor Jenkins Reid if you don’t think this is true.]

Love as a possessive force. Controlling. Negative. Painful. And is it really love? To love someone and to toy with them. To manipulate them. I realized something important during my healing journey and it is that hurt people hurt people, it may sound basic and too oversaturated of a phrase, but it does not make it any less true. “Man hands on misery to man” my English Lit teacher used to quote This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin ,the usual, parents with their unhealed trauma pass it on to an innocent child who grows up to be a hurt adult and the cycle continues. That is until one of us, the cycle breakers, comes along and stops conforming to that absolute bullshit. They ask “Why?” and they have standards and self-worth. They aren’t a cushion to be sat on. Defending themselves and their work fearlessly. These people are heroes and go often feeling unappreciated.

What if people who hurt you are the ones who think that love equates to pain. Someone once taught them that and now they are stuck. As I get older I make sure to thank God in my prayers for my self-awareness. Truly people that don’t have it, are the ones to suffer the most. Maybe causing pain, or being in an abusive relationship is actually what love looked like for them. Just because their parents or those that were supposed to care of them showed them nothing but cruelty and made them think it is what love is supposed to feel like. They often thinks they are undeserving of love. So in such a way the use love as this lethal weapon to hurt those that actually love them or see a future with them (Yes, Loki Laufeyson is the primary example here).

In common cultural media of the 21st century, love is often compared to cannibalism. This idea “originally” stems from old mythology, but can be pin pointed to one of the first published works that involved cannibalism, the 12th Century The "Lai d'Ignaure" which is a French short narrative story written by Renaut, that is about “a husband discovering his wife's affair, murdering her lover, and then serving the lover's heart to his wife disguised in a meal. The wife, upon realizing what she has eaten, is consumed by grief and ultimately dies. [This] narrative explores themes of adultery, revenge, and the complex relationship between love, death, and consumption.” [via the Courtly Carnality: Consuming Flesh in the Lai d’Ignaure ] The very imagery of love connoting to a vile and sinful act, such as cannibalism, is what makes us question the purity and strength of that invisible force. And whether it is at its core dangerous?

As apparently cliche and overused as it is in today’s media, it serves its purpose. In showing us the desire to have someone, own someone and feeling all this so intensely that you might just as well consume them wholly. You feel so jealous of other people laying eyes on your beloved that you might as well eat them or kill them, am I right? [this is intended to be a joke] This grotesque and very very intense imagery is what showcases love as a force to be reckoned with. A brutal and natural force. Factors such as biological ties may make it harder for family members to “replace” their loved ones. The Long Day’s Journey into Night, a play written by Eugene O’Neill, published in 1956, 3 years after the playwright’s death, depicts loving someone with never being able to be replaced. One of the side conflict’s in this play is that of Mary feeling guilty of having had Edmund, after the death of her son, Eugene. Despite, having Edmund and him being the “second son” in their family, Mary still cannot forget Eugene’s death and still feels a lot of unresolved guilt and blame. Having had Edmund never made her forget or love Eugene less, it never made Edmund a “replacement baby”. Due to the fact that the dead baby would always have a place in the family. In such a way our biological ties keep us loved and unreplaceable to our family. In a way that our lovers can never promise to love us or uphold such a difficult promise.

Maybe the secret to love is to distribute it throughout your life. To share instead of gather. To gently hold instead of keep. To give instead of take and allow others to share it with you. Rather than focusing on the sole pursuit of romantic love or platonic love or familial love. Maybe allow love to surround your life and that will make it less dangerous and less addictive. If you are treated right by your friends and family surely you won’t accept a significant other to treat you any less than that. If you know what love feels like you will never settle for anything less. So maybe feeding the chunks of wood to the flame of your self-love, your friendships, your career, your family and your partner, it makes you happier and it makes you actually value love, in all it’s shades and all it’s various forms. Love shouldn’t be a forest fire set to destroy, but a cozy campfire set on warming you after a cruel and long winter.

Throughout every season of my life I had dreams and I held onto any shred of hope that I had that my life will turn into a movie. Now when you’re about to turn nineteen you feel like you are missing out. “Am I not supposed to be on the cusp of something great?” I tell myself. I think aloud to myself in the shower “why isn’t my life like the movies?” my thoughts seem to flow through the drain with the lukewarm shower water. At moments like this I can’t help but feel restless.

Throughout my teenage years I struggled with unipolar depression, suicidal ideation and a binge eating disorder that made me hate myself. Safe to say my nuclear family was emotionally turbulent. As I am slowly but surely leaving behind the struggles and past of my teenage years - I realized that every coming of age story looks different. I was putting myself in a box and expecting these things of myself, and when life took a drastically different turn I blamed myself and shamed myself for not being “good” enough (whatever that was to me).

I started to realize that one’s literal coming of age is supposed to be and is messy and chaotic and filled with many rocks and pebbles along one’s path. No teenager is left unscathed, during these tumultuous times. If we just let go of these perfect set in stone milestones and expectations we seem to set on ourselves when we are indeed coming of age, we would feel free. Why are we as human beings wired for perfection when we can never achieve it. All we can hope for is that we make the best decisions for ourselves and show up everyday willing to try.

One can only wish upon a star as much…

I started keeping a diary when I was about eight or nine years of age. Since then, about a decade passed and I still keep a journal. I write in it every day. As cliche and widespread as it may sound writing did become an outlet for me, all the things I left unsaid, all the things I felt, and all the thoughts I had - everything goes in there. I go through journals the same way an alcohol addict goes through bottles of wine. In a matter of a month (or sometimes two weeks) a journal gets filled up and I need to buy myself another. I don’t say this to brag or make those that can’t finish a single journal feel bad. On the contrary, I am saying this to illustrate how I spend the majority of my life stuck in my head. I feel that I’ve grown much better at staying out of my head and not taking these creeping “demons” of mine into any consideration. I put pen to paper and in this tactile way I release all that is holding me back. There is always space to forgive oneself and move past the mistakes in any coming of age story.

When I think about my coming of age I would not say that it was a single moment that defined me. It was a chain of linked reactions ; falling out with my best friends, moving schools, 3 year long isolation due to covid, slowly losing touch with all of my school friends, growing bitter and resentful towards people that are happy, struggling with the worst waves of depression I have ever had, gaining 20 kilograms of weight, having to retake my exams, repeating the ninth grade, losing my beloved Great Grandmother and contemplating whether I should end it or not. It did not help that I am the eldest daughter - somehow taking care of your younger siblings and not being a bitch of a sister filled to the brim with female rage and melancholy, made it even harder.

A book that made me come to peace with my very emotionally unstable teenage years was The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. I broke the spine of my physical copy as I kept re-reading this book year after year. The messy parts, and the parts of yourself you feel like hiding were shown love. It was sometime 4 years ago that I understood why this book resonated with me so much. I saw myself in the main protagonist, Gogol, even though I am not from an Indian background myself, his experience as a foreigner in both countries that he belonged to, made me feel seen. Reading him transform, conform, detach and ultimately bloom from childhood and into adulthood made me hope that life will get better and easier.

I would characterize a coming of age moment as one where one feels like a main character. They are on top of the world, they are also probably in their early teens or mid to late 20s, finding themselves, and they still feel pretty much like a kid no matter how much time passes. But somehow this moment makes you feel like you are in a Sofia Coppola movie. My coming-of-age moments have always varied in both intensity and the time this feeling suddenly dawns on me. I don’t feel it every time I walk in the evenings, or every time I sit near the car window listening to Greenlight by Lorde ; when I do feel it, I know there is some hope for this eighteen year old that is wise beyond her years to experience more life and have a hopeful outlook to the future.

Maybe this is a sign for me to go through my old journals and reminisce on the wonderfully chaotic days in my past life. But for now I leave you with a message that Maisie Peters, an English singer-songwriter, said “This is my coming of age !!!!!”