Being the person who wants more sex can be excruciatingly lonely, especially when rejection feels frequent. You can know that your partner loves you and still have a tiny voice in the back of your head going, okay but if they wanted me, wouldn’t they want to have sex with me?

And being the person who wants sex less comes with an entirely different pressure. Feeling like you’re constantly disappointing your partner, wondering if affection has an ulterior motive, feeling guilty for saying no, or maybe even having sex because you feel like you should, which obviously isn’t where any of us wants to end up.

But the thing is…

I don’t think the problem here is that one person wants sex more or less than another. I think the problem is everything we start (or stop) doing because of that difference.

The stories we tell ourselves, the resentments we feed, or even the avoidance of talking about it altogether. One person feels unwanted, the other feels pressured, you avoid each other or allow resentments to build, and eventually you’re both responding to feelings that have accumulated over years rather than whatever’s actually happening in the moment.

For the higher drive partner, a “not tonight” is perceived as “you’re not desirable”, and for the lower drive partner an initiation is perceived as an expectation.

And I think this is precisely why things start to feel really shitty.

Expecting two people to maintain the exact same level of sexual desire throughout an entire relationship seems kind of insane when you stop to think about it.We aren’t copies of one another, and we shouldn’t expect each other to behave as such. We also don’t forever remain the same person we were when we started dating.

Our hormones and bodies change. Kids, work, mental health issues, and a whole onslaught of other barriers to desire happen. Sometimes you’re obsessed with each other and other times… not so much. And some people just want sex more often than other people.

That doesn’t make the higher desire person needy or sex obsessed and it doesn’t make the lower desire person broken or prudish or a bad partner. It’s just a difference, and relationships are literally full of differences.

What matter most here is what we do with our differences. Are we both actively working toward more connection? Are we both putting effort in?

And when I say effort, I absolutely do not mean the person with lower desire needs to just suck it up and have more sex. Nobody owes another person access to their body… relationship or not. Period, end of sentence.

What I’m talking about is effort in the broader sense of giving a shit about something affecting someone you love.

Effort as in taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health, trying to be intentional, connecting with your partner, or getting curious about why your desires may have changed.

Maybe you learn about desire types.

Maybe you go to the doctor or to therapy.

Maybe ya’ll intentionally carve out time to connect because waiting for two exhausted people to spontaneously get horned up, hot, and heavy at the exact same moment isn’t a very successful strategy…

And effort is required from both partners. This isn’t a situation where we all point the finger at a lower desire partner and tell them they’re the problem. They’re not. The higher desire partner has to put in effort too.

Effort for a higher desire partner may look like learning how to experience rejection without sulking, withdrawing affection, or making them feel guilty.

It might also mean trying not to treat every cuddle like a doorway to more, learning that your partner saying no to sex is not your partner saying no to you, or getting curious about what you’re actually craving when you say you want sex.

Because sometimes you’re craving sex, yes, but sometimes you just want to feel wanted, reassured, playful, or romantic. And all of these things could have completely different solutions.

So no, a desire gap isn’t automatically a relationship killer…

But resentment is.

Once resentment starts to build, neither of ya’ll are truly seeing, loving, and accepting one another.

I’m trying to get sex, you’re trying to avoid sex.

I’m keeping track of rejections, you’re keeping track of how many times I’ve asked this week.

In this situation, nobody’s having a good time and nobody is feeling particularly sexy.

We can’t keep doing this to ourselves and our partners, you guys! We have to shift away from asking how we can change our partner, and learn to accept our own role in the dynamic and determine what’s within our individual power here.

The question we should be asking is this:

How do we create a sexual relationship that feels good, fair, and loving to both of us, even though we’re different?

Maybe you schedule sex. Maybe you find more ways to be intimate that don’t always involve intercourse. Maybe you realize there are bigger relationship problems underneath the libido issue.

Maybe you go through seasons where you’re having sex constantly and seasons where you barely have it at all.

That’s just… being in a relationship with another human.

And obviously there are situations where the difference really is too big. Sex can be incredibly important to some, and people shouldn’t have to pretend it isn’t just to avoid sounding shallow, and sometimes there just isn’t a compromise that leaves both people happy.

But I also don’t think we need to jump straight from “we have different libidos” to “we’re sexually incompatible and doomed.” Because mismatched libido isn’t automatically what torpedoes a relationship.

Indifference, resentment, shame, pressure, and lack of communication? Sure.

But simply being individuals who don’t magically become horny at the exact same frequency forever?

I think we can survive that.

And the second group talks about long-term relationships like they’re a prison sentence. The people in this group are just waiting for an opportunity to leap in and tell you, “Wait for it…. the passion will die.”

It’s so frustrating, because while both of these groups tend to speak with confidence and conviction, neither of them are right! When you choose a long-term, committed relationship, you won’t live in perfect, fiery passion forever, but it doesn’t inevitably have to die, either. Healthy long-term relationships don’t fizzle out or stay magical forever, they simply evolve over time.

Read more

Eye contact during sex is vulnerable. It’s vulnerable, and it can make people deeply uncomfortable.

You heard me right.

Not touching each other, getting naked, or orgasms... but rather eye contact makes people uncomfortable. Yup.

For a lot of people, sustained eye contact is the thing makes them want to crawl out of their skin the most.

Read more

I’m just gonna say this outright, though, routine definitely can dull connection, but boredom isn’t just some inevitable curse of commitment.

In fact, it’s usually just a sign that your relationship needs a little more novelty.

Not a new partner, a dramatic break up, a huge move, or a luxury vacation… Just newness. Our brains are wired to notice what’s fresh, unfamiliar, and slightly unpredictable.

That’s novelty, and novelty is good! It wakes us up, keeps us on our toes, creates presence, cultivates curiosity, and commands attention!

I mean, just take a minute to think about the early stages of dating. Everything felt electric because everything was new! Their stories, their body, their laugh… You weren’t just in love, you were in relationship with mystery.

Over time, mystery gets replaced by familiarity. And don’t get me wrong, familiarity is beautiful! It provides safety, trust, history, depth, security, and many other important factors in long-term relationships. But if familiarity is the only ingredient, we’ll suffer as a consequence. Yes, we’re safe, but are we still excited to see each other? Are we still pumped to live life together, to wake up together?

This is where novelty comes in.

And no, introducing novelty doesn’t have to mean moving cities, booking expensive trips, opening the relationship, or anything monumental and life-altering. Novelty doesn’t have to be dramatic in order to be powerful or effective.

Sometimes it’s tiny.

Trying a restaurant you’ve never been to, taking a local class together, listening to music from an artist neither of you knows, cooking a recipe that could go terribly wrong, changing where you sit when you talk, lighting candles, eating on the floor, or a million other small things!

When introducing novelty, we don’t need to aim for extravagance, we just need an interruption of the daily routine. And no, I’m not saying that routines are bad, or that they aren’t helpful and necessary. Routines help relationships function, and they foster stability, which is important! But if every week looks exactly like the last one, your mind will start auto-piloting your relationship for efficiency an ease.

“How was work?”
“Fine.”
“What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t know.”

This is all too common, and usually represents a deeper lack of stimulation in our ecosystems.

Don’t forget… novelty helps our sex lives, too!

Let’s get so real right now… an overwhelming number of people begin to panic when sexual energy changes in their long-term relationships. They assume something is wrong, but rarely do they look at novelty outside of the bedroom as a resolution.

You’re under-stimulated, ya’ll.

The mind is a huge part of arousal, and it responds to contrast, anticipation, and imagination. This isn’t only in regard to the bedroom, though. Introducing novelty in our day to day lives in small and interesting ways will naturally rebuild our desire for our partners in the bedroom, too!

And no, it also doesn’t hurt to cultivate novelty inside the bedroom. Just know that “novelty” in sex doesn’t mean circus level performances.

Try something smaller:

Kissing in the corner
Flirting shamelessly
Changing lighting/music
Taking a shower together, AND ACTUALLY WASHING EACH OTHER
Wearing something new or different
Using the guest room… or the floor
Using a makeshift blindfold

No matter what you choose to do, just remember it doesn’t have to be extravagant. Nearly any new context can make familiar love feel intensely vivid!

I feel I should also remind you that we are NOT trying to get back to how things were in the beginning.

Let me say it again:

WE. ARE. NOT. TRYING. TO. GO. BACK. TO. THE. BEGINNING.

Often times, people think they need to “get back” to how things used to feel. They want to recapture the hormonal concoction that is limerence. The desperate, obsessive, mind-blowing love drugs.

And I hate to break it to you… but that’s not going to happen.

It shouldn’t be our goal anyway! Those love drugs are stupid. They make us look stupid and do stupid shit. They feel good but they aren’t trustworthy, intentional, or safe. Our goal should be to create something solid, beautiful, exciting, and safe in a new chapter with the person we love. A new chapter where love is less frantic, less accidental, but more intentional and designed.

Sometimes the person you think you know still has layers you haven’t touched in years… or ever! We’re all changing constantly, who knows what we can learn, unlearn, and relearn together?

Intentional novelty helps us see our partners with fresh eyes.

And let’s also remember that novelty doesn’t have to cost money, or even force you outside the house!

Instead of:
“How was your day?”

Try:
“What’s something you’ve learned or changed your mind about lately?”
“What’s a side of you you miss?”
“What do you want more of from me?”
“What’s something we’ve never done that sounds fun?”

New questions create new conversations create new connection.

And if you live together… novelty matters even more

Living together can make use realllllly efficient. We learn patterns and get shit done… We see each other in sweatpants, we discuss toilet paper and toothpaste, and then we pay taxes…

That intimacy is real and valuable, but when someone is constantly visible, they can, in a weird way, become invisible… kind of like the low hum of the refrigerator that you just don’t really notice anymore.

Novelty restores visibilty.

And please, start smaller than you think!

You don’t need to overhaul your entire relationship this week. That isn’t sustainable or sensible.

Instead, just try one small new thing each week.

A new café or question. A walk after dark, a new recipe, a dance (or a makeout session) in the kitchen. A thrift store challenge you found online or a board game. Perhaps even a picnic in the backyard or on the living room floor.

These action compound, they build upon each other, and over time it becomes second nature to love, excite, and see your partner (and be seen by your partner) again.

Excitement in long term relationships is never stumbled upon…

It’s created.

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

They’re always wanting it, thinking about it, available for it.

You might even be nodding along right now agreeing with those statements, but the truth is, there’s an incredible level of pressure hiding in these expectations.

Where did this idea even come from?

Somewhere along the way, we reduced men to a stereotype of constant sexual appetite. We say things like, “Men are simple”, or “They’ll take it anytime”, or the infamous, “They think about sex every seven seconds!”

But while it might feel like we’re just joking, these narratives shape real expectations in relationships. And if men are always supposed to want sex…
what does it mean when they don’t?

The moment desire ebbs

Because of this widespread narrative, the moment desire ebbs, things can get complicated. A man isn’t in the mood one night, or for a few nights, or any given stretch of time, and something shifts.

His partner might wonder things like:
“Is he not attracted to me?”
“Is something wrong with our relationship?”

And he might be thinking:
“Why don’t I feel how I’m supposed to feel?”
“Is something wrong with me?”

Now both people are anxious and internalizing something that was never a problem to begin with, all because society set a standard that people can’t consistently meet.

We give women permission to not be in the mood. We talk about hormones, stress, emotional connection, safety, fatigue, and the list goes on. With women, we understand that desire is fluid, but when it comes to men we somehow fail to recognize the very same nuance.

We forget that men also experience:

• Stress that shuts their bodies down

• Emotional disconnection that impacts desire

• Performance anxiety

• Hormonal fluctuations

• Exhaustion

• Mental health struggles

We forget that desire isn’t just physical. Desire is relational, psychological, contextual, and men don’t exist outside of that reality. When we expect men to be constantly ready, we don’t create more sex, we create more pressure, which is a surefire way to kill desire.

Pressure turns sex into a performance instead of true, deep connection, and it makes vulnerability feel risky.

Instead of listening to whether or not they actually want to engage, many men find themselves feeling like they should want to… and those aren’t the same thing.

When men feel like they should always want sex, they often ignore how they actually feel. They might say yes when they mean maybe, or push through experiences they aren’t feeling genuinely excited about. And on the other side, their partners may start equating desire with worth. If he wants me, I’m desired. And if he doesn’t, well, then… something must be wrong. Now both people find themselves in a loop that has nothing to do with actual intimacy.

But what if we just allowed men to engage authentically?

More honestly?

We need to make space to check in with our male partners. How are they feeling? Do they want to be close right now? What kind of connection do they need today? THIS is where desire grows.

A different way to look at it

Not being in the mood isn’t rejection, it’s a cue that something else might be needed. Perhaps he may need rest, connection, space, reassurance, or any number of other supportive things.

When we stop pathologizing, we stop catastrophizing.

Men are allowed to not want sex sometimes!

They’re allowed to have off days, to feel disconnected, to need emotional closeness. They’re allowed to be tired or stressed, and it doesn’t make them any less masculine.

When our male partners experience normal ebbs in their desire, instead of wondering what’s wrong with them, we should ask ourselves why we expect so much from them.

Because the moment we let go of our pressure-inducing expectations, we make room for something much more real.

Cheating is a complex and emotionally loaded topic, and as a result, conversations surrounding it require maturity, depth, and sensitivity.

Most conversations people have about cheating are simple. A villian cheats, innocent victims get hurt, and affected relationships end. But the things is, real life is rarely that clean. Human connections are complex, nuanced, and at times messier than we’d like to admit.

As humans, we prefer black and white, and our brains like to behave as though situations involving betrayal are cut and dry.

It’s easier, more palatable.

But if cheating really was simply about bad people doing bad things, it’d be relatively easy to avoid… yet it happens constantly, across every type of relationship, every dynamic, every age group, every social class.

So we’ve really gotta stop asking why cheating is wrong, and instead explore why people cheat at all.

Why Do People Cheat?

The answer to this question is uncomfortable, and the reason it’s uncomfortable is because it’s so gray. There’s not one single reason that people cheat or commit acts of betrayal against their partners.

The reasoning for every situation varies, but it’s often a mix of emotional needs, avoidance, fear, curiosity, immaturity, and poor communication.

Of course cheating is never the answer. The short-term rewards of betrayal are surface level, and the majority of the time any connection we’re experiencing through betrayal is an insipid knock-off of what our brains (and bodies) are truly hankering for, anyway!

I want you to keep that in mind as you read the rest of this. Cheating is never the answer.

Now let’s talk about a few of the imperfect realities that people (including myself sometimes) don’t like to talk about.

Read more

Ethical Non-Monogamy Is NOT a Trend

Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a personality trait, a rebellious phase, or a loophole for avoiding commitment. At its core, ENM a relationship structure where everyone involved consents to romantic and/or sexual connections outside of the primary partnership.

The key word is ethical, and let’s be real, without transparency and consent it’s not ethical, it’s just cheating.

The Benefits

When practiced well, ENM can offer…

Radical Communication: You can’t survive ethical non-monogamy without learning to articulate your needs clearly and define boundaries. You’re required to be transparent and describe openly precisely how you feel, and that level of communication can deepen intimacy in ways that many monogamous couples never reach.

Autonomy Without Secrecy: Some people genuinely don’t experience exclusivity as the foundation of love. For them, autonomy doesn’t threaten connection, and ENM allows desire to exist, and to be explored, without deception.

Confronting Jealousy Instead of Avoiding It: In monogamy, exclusivity can act as a protective buffer, but in ENM, jealousy can surface more directly. For some people, that confrontation leads to deeper self awareness, stronger self soothing skills, and clearer requests for reassurance.

Expanded Community: When done responsibly, ENM can create networks of intimacy that feel supportive rather than competitive.

The Challenges

I want to be clear here, ethical non-monogamy isn’t automatically emotionally easier.

Jealousy Is Real: You will feel things. You might feel replaced, you might compare yourself, you might spiral. If you already struggle with attachment insecurity, opening a relationship won’t magically fix that.

It Won’t Fix A Failing Relationship: If your relationship is unstable, disconnected, resentful, or lacking communication, adding more people doesn’t solve that. In fact, it can actually magnify these challenges. Healthy non-monogamous relationships require a strong, secure foundation.

Time and Emotional Bandwidth: Multiple relationships require time, attention, scheduling, emotional labor, etc. and if these things aren’t handled diligently, someone will usually wind up feeling neglected.

Social Stigma: Even in 2026, as a society, we’re not culturally neutral about this. People won’t always understand, they may judge, and you might even lose friends or family. I don’t believe this is a reason to avoid something liberating and authentic to you, but it’s a very real struggle that deserves to be recognized.

Do It Properly

If you’re considering ethical non-monogamy, don’t start with “Let’s just see what happens”, start with structure!

Clarify Your “Why?”: Are you curious? Are you sexually mismatched? Are you craving novelty? Are you afraid of commitment? Your “why” matters, and you need to be brutally honest with yourself and with your partner, too.

Discuss Boundaries Beforehand: What’s allowed, and what’s not allowed? Sleepovers? Emotional connections? Mutual friends? What details will you share with one another? How often will you have check ins? Are you required to use protection with other people? How often will you get tested? Ambiguity breeds resentment. Discuss all possibilities, and when something inevitably comes up that you didn’t plan for, communicate promptly.

Agree On Communication Protocol: When do you share details? How much detail? Do you inform one another before or after dates? Oversharing and undersharing can both cause damage.

Move Slow at First: Curiosity can feel urgent, but growth isn’t urgent, it takes time. Start with conversations with your partner, then with others, then maybe include an app or two, eventually a low stakes date or two, and so on. Check in with yourself and with your partner constantly.

Have A Repair Plan: When someone gets hurt (because someone will) how will you repair? What does reassurance need to look like for each partner? What does accountability look like? If you can’t answer these questions, you’re not ready.

“Can you handle your partner sleeping with someone else?”

This isn’t the question you should be asking. The real question is:

Can you handle the vulnerability of loving someone and sharing them, too? Can you trust with limited control?

For some people, the answer is yes. For others, monogamy feels deeply aligned, safe, and sacred. Neither is morally superior, and both require intentionality and boundaries. If you’re considering ethical non-monogamy, move into it with transparency and maturity. Do it ONLY with consent, and do it with emotional attunement.

If you try it and love it, that’s great! If you try it and realize it’s not for you, that’s okay, too.

Love is not one size fits all.

I want you to sit with that for a moment. Take pause before reading further. Sit back in your chair, take a deep breath, and reread that sentence. The woman you’re with does not want perfection from you.

She doesn’t want you to know everything immediately, or to put on show stopping performance. What she wants is your undivided attention, your complete and total presence. She wants to be seen in a way that softens her body and brings down her defenses. And above all else, she wants to feel like you are with her, not just doing something to her.

So many men were never taught what romance actually feels like, so I’m going to offer that perspective as honestly as I can… This is the kind of lover most women are quietly hoping for

1). She wants to be seen, not rushed

When you slow down enough to really look at a woman, she feels it! When your attention lingers instead of rushing to the next step, she feels seen and chosen, savored.

Take a moment to notice her eyes, her face, her breathing… the way she reacts to you being close.

And remember, too, that romance begins before anything physical. It builds in the way you approach her, the way you touch her arm, the way you embrace her.

Do not treat intimacy like a finish line. Do not rush. Feel the excitement and desire build, feel the tension and burning that accompanies slowing down. Let that energy move through you as you engage with her.

2). She wants to be held, not handled

I mean, I won’t pretend like being handled isn’t fun. There are many situations where it’s a part of the play, and a fun part of it, too! But let’s not get so caught up in the performance that it’s all we ever resort to.

There’s a difference between touching a woman and holding her. Holding has intention, and it says “I’m here with you and I’m not going anywhere”

When you hold her, slow your body down enough for her nervous system to settle. Let her lean into you and feel your steadiness.

Safety is the doorway to desire for many women. When she feels safe, her body opens. When she feels rushed or managed, it closes

Your gentleness is not weakness, it’s actually protection, and it’s exactly what gives her the safety and the space to release herself into an intimate experience with you. Remember, when a woman engages sexually with a man, she is often allowing him to enter inside her body. This is a deeply intimate and vulnerable experience. Treat it accordingly.

3). She wants to be consumed with passion

There’s a kind of desire that feels urgent and detached, and then there’s the kind that feels present, focused, and intentional. (She usually wants the second one.)

She wants to feel like you’re captivated by her, your attention is anchored in her, you’re savoring her instead of binging on her. And I want to be clear here: passion does not have to be rough in order to be intense

Intensity can live in eye contact, slow hands, gentle caresses… Remember this next time you touch her.

4). She wants you to listen to her body

Every woman’s body is different, so what works for one may not work for another. There is no specific formula that will grant you success in every encounter with ever lover. Because of this, one of the most romantic things you can do is be curious. Pay close attention, ask questions, learn her body. Notice how she responds to your touch. Notice when she leans in or pulls back.

And when you’re unsure, say softly: “What do you like”, “Show me”, “Tell me if you want something different”

Those questions will make you a better lover.

5). She wants your words

Tell her she is beautiful to you, you love being close to her, you want her…

You don’t need a script! You just need sincerity.

6). She wants you to stay

After everything quiets down, let your body stay connected to hers for a few more minutes. Check in with her, let her know you’re still there. The way you treat her after intimacy often shapes how she feels about the entire experience altogether.

Connection should not end just because you’ve met your sexual climax.

7). She wants your softness too

You don’t have to perform roughness and toughness in order to be attractive. You’re allowed to be soft. You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to be present and vulnerable. And in fact, I would argue that the shedding of your ego and the releasing of your rough and tough mask makes for a much, MUCH more intimate experience anyway. Vulnerability truly is is the foundation for connection and intimacy.

The woman you are with wants to feel seen, held, and chosen.

When you lead with a swelling, loving, tender attention, you won’t just be a good lover, you’ll be an unforgettable one.

1). Start with clear expectations

First and foremost, let’s establish that consent should begin before anyone is naked or emotionally exposed. When engaging in BDSM activities, it’s paramount to explicitly discuss the following:
-What you’re curious about
-What you want
-What you don’t want
-What’s off limits no matter what
-What might be okay under certain conditions

This is also where you should clarify what this connection is. Is it a scene, a dynamic, a relationship, a one time exploration? Mismatched expectations can cause significant harm. You should always aim for transparency in your own expectations as well as seeking to understand the expectations of the person you’re engaging with. Never assume that chemistry equals compatibility or alignment.

2). Define safety measures

Safety isn’t implied, it’s designed. At the bare minimum, every dynamic should include a clear safeword or signal that stops everything *immediately*. On top of this, you should also have a plan for what to do if someone freezes or dissociates, agreements around substances or altered states, clear rules around escalation and intensity, and boundaries around marks, visibility, and privacy.

If someone is resistant to safety measures, proceed with caution. That’s very important information, and could be considered a “red flag”. Safety never ruins BDSM, it’s what allows for incredible intensity without harm.

3). Practice check ins as part of the scene

I think it’s important to note here that checking in shouldn’t be viewed as an annoying interruption. It should always be your goal to ensure that everyone involved feels safe enough to respond honestly, and exhibiting annoyance with the expectation of checking in can detract from those necessary feelings of safety. If someone you’re engaging with is frustrated at the idea of checking in throughout a scene, do not take this frustration lightly. Checking in doesn’t kill the moment, it keeps everyone present and emotionally protected.

Check ins can be subtle or explicit depending on what you and the person you’re engaging with prefer, but they should be somewhat frequent. These check ins can include:
-Eye contact
-A hand squeeze
-A quiet question
-A pause to assess breathing or responsiveness

We also need to outline that consent is ongoing. A yes earlier does NOT override a no later. Enthusiasm can change and capacity can change, but good partners notice quickly and adjust without protest.

4). Plan aftercare in advance

Aftercare should never be seen as optional, but rather tied to and a major part of consent. Before a scene, make sure to talk about what helps you feel grounded afterward, whether you want closeness or space, what emotional responses may come up for you, how long aftercare might be needed, and whether follow up is important for the next day or week. Drop is real, and emotional vulnerability can spike hours or even days later. I also want to mention that aftercare is not just physical. After care includes reassurance, presence, and behaviors that ensure safety and respect. Each person will need aftercare in different ways, so try to avoid assuming this part. Provide information on what you need, and ask your partner what they need.

5). Normalize follow up and feedback

Since we’re on the topic of consent (it’s a big one), I feel it’s necessary to remind anyone reading that consent doesn’t end when the scene ends. Healthy dynamics will include:
-Checking in later to see how both people feel
-Talking about what worked and what did not
-Adjusting boundaries based on new information
-Discussing feelings that surfaced during/afterward

If someone tells you this stuff isn’t important, they just don’t care, or that you’re being too sensitive or overthinking it, take some time to reflect on whether or not this is a person worth engaging with. Ethical BDSM includes follow up and feedback, and trustworthy people engaging responsibly in the community wouldn’t say otherwise.

Remember what ethical BDSM actually requires

BDSM done well requires more communication than vanilla sex. It also requires emotional responsibility, honestly, and boundaries. Power doesn’t excuse negligence. Desire does not excuse assumptions. Intensity does not excuse skipping consent.

The bottom line is that clear expectations, safety measures, check ins, and aftercare are not extras here, they’re the foundation on which we can build upon. If someone attempts to make you feel silly for wanting clarity or care, that is a blatant disregard for your emotional and physical wellbeing, not “kink”.

The most ethical and satisfying BDSM happens when everyone involved understands exactly what they’re agreeing to, and when all parties feels safe enough to say yes, no, or stop at any time.

This is not restrictive. This is what makes it possible.

Subscribe now

Share

Leave a comment

Not because I don’t know what to say, but because initiating sex feels strangely vulnerable to admit struggling with. Especially as someone who talks about sex publicly, someone that others look to for advice. There’s this quiet assumption that if you’re confident, sex positive, and educated, you must also be effortlessly navigating desire all the time. Like it just flows out of you fully formed and fearless.

That has NOT been my experience.

Many times, initiation doesn’t feel bold or cinematic. It feels like a small internal negotiation.

I pause. I have a thought. “I want you,”

Followed immediately by, “What if my timing is wrong? What if I’m asking too much? What if I’m rejected and it confirms my insecurities?”

There’s a version of me who lies in bed, desperately craving closeness, but stays quiet out of fear. This version of me tries to signal. I linger. I touch gently. I wait to see if I’m felt or noticed. And when I’m not felt or noticed, I feel a familiar sting, the sting of being unwanted…

But the truth isn’t that I’m unwanted, and it’s actually much simpler than all the stories I tell myself…. because the truth is that I never actually asked for what I wanted.

Ya’ll, I’m learning this alongside you… initiation does NOT have to be confident or sexy or smooth. It can be honest. It can be awkward. It can be quiet.

Sometimes it’s, “I miss you tonight and I’m craving closeness.” Sometimes it’s, “I feel close and I wanna stay here a little longer.” Sometimes it’s, “I’m nervous to ask for this, but I really want to be held and touched.”

Sometimes initiation isn’t even about sex, but rather about opening a door to different kinds of closeness and connection.

Another thing I’ve had to unlearn is the implicit notion that initiating means committing to a specific outcome. That if I start something, it has to end a certain way. That rejection means something about my worth or desirability. That stopping is a failure.

Let’s get this out of the way right now; INITIATION IS NOT A CONTRACT. When we think of connection as a binding agreement that can have only one physical conclusion, we’re placing unnecessary pressure on ourselves and on our partners. And the kicker is: desire can’t flourish from pressure.

You can offer desire or connection without demanding it be met in one specific way. You can want closeness and still be met with a no that is not personal. You can be turned down and still be wanted deeply.

That part took me a long time to believe, and occasionally I still struggle.

What’s helped most is letting initiation be relational instead of transactional, and expressing this verbally with my partner. Not, “I do this, so you do that.” Not, “I offer desire, so you owe me desire back.”

Instead, we want to approach initiation as an open ended option.

“I am here. I feel something, and I want to share it with you. You are safe to respond however you need, and we can find many different ways to connect.”

That shift alone can make a massive impact on our relationships.

It’s also important to note here that initiating sex often starts outside the bedroom. For many individuals, desire starts in the way they feel seen throughout the day. In the laughter, the safety, the communication… Sometimes the best initiation isn’t even a touch at all, but a conversation or an act of service.

And yeah… sometimes I still freeze. Sometimes I still wait too long. Sometimes I still hope to be chosen instead of choosing. I’m only human. I want to be desired, I want to avoid risk, and I wish I could know beforehand that I’m desired in return. But I work on this, and it’s getting easier every day. If this entry is relatable to you, I promise it can be easier for you, too.

Remind yourself in these moments that desire doesn’t need to be perfect to be valid or accepted, and that intimacy grows when we take the scary and vulnerable risk of being direct. Of being seen, heard, and known in all the messy, vulnerable ways.

Initiating sex is not fearless. Feel the fear, and then move through it. Allow yourself to be seen wanting something and trust that you are safe enough to ask for it.

Tonight that might look like a choked up sentence whispered gently in the dark.

And that counts.

Subscribe now

Share

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Welcome. You’re allowed to learn this✨

If you grew up without real sex education, intimacy feels confusing or disconnected, you were taught to just not talk about it, or relationships feel harder than they “should”…

You’re in the right place.

This space exists because too many of us were taught with silence, fear, and moral panic instead of honest guidance about our own bodies. We weren’t shown how to handle desires or how to relate to each other with care.

Here’s what I truly believe:

Sex is not just an act… it’s communication, safety, and play, all wrapped up into one powerful activity. When we don’t understand what we’re doing, how to express ourselves, or the underlying reasons for our behavior, shame tends to fill that gap.

What this space is (and isn’t)

This space is for real world sex and relationship advice for adults who just never got it. I’ll always maintain consent centered, sensitive, gender inclusive conversations about how human connection actually works.

You’ll find writing here about:

• Sexual wellness, desire, and pleasure

• Communication, boundaries, and emotional safety

• Shame (where it comes from and how to loosen its grip)

• Desire mismatches, libido fluctuations, and intimacy over time

• Repair after conflict, rupture, or disconnection

• Talking about sex without feeling awkward, broken, or “too much”

This is NOT about being “perfect,” hypersexual, or even enlightened… it’s a space built around being informed, learning skills no one taught us, and recognizing we are not broken.

Why I’m writing this

I do this work because I’ve watched how silence harms us. We stay in unsatisfying relationships because we don’t know how to talk about the uncomfortable things.

People tolerate sex that doesn’t feel good because they think it’s normal. People feel defective when desire changes. People confuse love with longevity.

I want to build a healthy environment for adults to navigate learning themselves and their partners. I want a world where we can all embrace our sexuality, our desires, and our vulnerability. Personally, I see these as superpowers that so many people have neglected (or simply not learned how to) use.

A quick note on shame

Shame dissolves when we learn and understand ourselves and our society… I believe that education and exposure is the antidote to purity culture and the shame we feel around these topics. Shame over our bodies and the sex we engage in is not hardwired into us. Shame is learned, and I would argue even forced onto us.

What I hope you take from this space

-Your body is not a problem to solve.

-Your needs are not “too much.”

-Healthy relationships aren’t conflict free, but repair focused.

-Intimacy is a skill that we all have to learn and practice

-It’s never too late to rewrite the stories you were handed.

Thank you for being here. Let’s talk about the things we were never taught… honestly, kindly, and without shame.

💛