Dear Loving Avoidant, 

I have recently come to terms with the fact I might be avoidantly attached and some of the ways it might manifest for me. What I have noticed is that my attraction for people seems to be very unstable. Recently, someone in my social circle shared that he has a crush on me and asked me to hang out a bit more. I agreed and we had a fun evening together, but the next day, I pulled the plug and rejected him. I was 100% convinced this was the right decision, suddenly feeling no more attraction to him and not wanting to string him along. I also was unsure about some potential incompatibilities I could sense. 

We have since then spent more time together in groups and I started to feel attracted to him again. I was very close to asking him if he'd consider going out with me again, although I was also reluctant, because I was worried I'd lose attraction and reject him again. I then found out he's in a relationship now, so that ship has sailed, but it points to a pattern in me that I notice often: I don't trust my own attraction to people, because it fluctuates so heavily. 

It mainly gets negatively impacted by what I perceive as negative personality traits, or potential incompatibilities between us. People then just become unappealing. I thought I just have a high threshold for attraction; which I think is partially true, but the fluctuation makes me think there might be more going on. For both their and my sake I also don't want to date people when I'm not attracted to them, and in fact thinking fairly negatively of them. It also sometimes takes me ages to understand how I feel about someone/something. 

So my question is, what might be a practical way to explore this pattern and move towards more fulfilling relationships/dating scenarios, without hurting people with my unsteadiness in the process?

Thanks,

Questioning

Oh Dear, 

It seems like you’ve gone beyond evaluating individual connections into spotting what has been a consistent pattern within yourself. This is where real movement tends to begin, so I hope that you feel encouraged rather than discouraged right now.

Of course, it’s important to say that sometimes our feelings about people simply change. This is a part of being human. Sometimes we sense incompatibilities or aspects of someone’s personality that are dealbreakers for us, and sometimes that sense is correct. Healing avoidants run the risk of talking themselves out of just not liking someone romantically, because we’re afraid we’re “just being avoidant.” 

It is unfortunately a phase most of us seem to go through along the way. 

But while this doubt puts us at risk of staying in relationships we probably shouldn’t, it comes from a reasoned place, because, as we learn, a big part of how avoidant attachment functions is through the process of deactivation. Deactivation refers to tactics we unconsciously use to shut down our “attachment system”—the part us that wants to connect deeply with others and build deep, lasting, intimate attachment relationships. 

The way deactivation can show up is incredibly varied:

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What is Agreeableness?

Agreeableness basically describes the extent to which someone thinks, feels, and behaves in ways that demonstrate a prioritization of relational trust, social cohesion, being helpful, and showing care for others. People high in agreeableness likely do whatever they can to strengthen relationships, maintain harmony, and help out as possible—whether their strategies of doing so are effective and appropriate or not. If you follow attachment content online, this probably sounds like the polar opposite of how people with avoidant attachment operate, but the full picture isn’t so simple. 

Agreeableness in the Big Five covers the following facets, or sub-traits, (think of these as smaller umbrellas underneath the large one, knowing that we could probably keep shrinking down and expanding many little umbrellas under each of these, and beyond): 

Trust

Personality-level trust in this sense means that someone holds a basic assumption that most people are good at heart. A person high in trust likely gives the benefit of the doubt fairly automatically, cares about someone’s intent even if their impact was poor, isn’t hard on people, doesn’t blame others for their own problems, and forgives people readily.

Altruism 

This involves the love of helping people and being of service. People high in altruism tend to naturally step in and do what they can to help others and offer generosity in various ways.

Compassion (sometimes called “Sympathy,” “Empathy,” or “Tender-mindedness”)

This refers to generally feeling tender-hearted and emotionally caring. Someone high in compassion sees pain and misfortune befalling others, sometimes feels it acutely in themselves, and genuinely wishes for them not to be in pain anymore. 

Humility (sometimes called “Modesty”) 

Someone who is high in humility is self-effacing and humble. They might not like being the center of attention, and generally don’t place themselves above others in importance, competence, or virtue. 

Sincerity (sometimes called “Morality,” “Straightforwardness,” or “Earnestness”)

This facet describes a certain kind of frankness or lack of manipulation in the way someone deals with others. It refers to a lack of social strategizing and greater levels of authenticity. Someone high in sincerity is generally unpretentious, candid, and genuine.

Cooperation (sometimes called “compliance”)

Someone high in cooperation avoids conflict and prioritizes getting along. They care more about keeping the peace and maintaining social harmony than they do about getting their way or personal satisfaction.

Agreeableness and Avoidant Attachment 

Agreeableness essentially asks how much of yourself  you are willing to give away in order to preserve a relationship. Avoidant attachment responds to that question with: less than average (while anxious attachment says: more than average.)

Avoidant attachment, especially dismissive avoidance, is, in fact, associated with lower levels of overall agreeableness—but only slightly. And, as we’ll see, it depends on which facet of agreeableness we’re looking at. We’ll also see that, unsurprisingly, the way that avoidant attachment is often described in pop-psy content is a mixture of outdated, over-simplified, and straight up incorrect.

In particular, the sub-traits of sincerity and cooperation are exceptionally important and complex—so there’s quite a bit of attention given to each of those below. 

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Looking ahead at the publishing plan, I’d like to know what topics interest you the most to finish out 2026! I’ve created a poll with a few ideas.

1. The importance of asking for and letting others help us. This is a decidedly unsexy topic particularly for the avoidantly attached. That’s why it’s so needed. And, if you know anything about this project, we’re going to go far beyond the trite advice that doesn’t account for any of your very legitimate experiences.

2. The short-sightedness of erasing our differences in the pursuit of achieving perfect relational harmony. We are all different. We have different pasts. We have strengths and weaknesses. We are each precious and insufferable simultaneously. If we all start acting like the textbooks and TikToks say we should for “optimal relational harmony”—what is lost? And what can we do instead?

3. All about flexibility. Avoidants—and the insecurely attached in general—are often overly rigid in some areas, leading to either being impenetrable or cracking instead of bending. We’re also overly fluid in other areas, struggling to take shape and make moves.

4. Common accusations toward avoidants. First we lovebomb, then we breadcrumb, then we ghost. What kind of monsters are we. Breaking down the legitimate aspects of these terms and why it would be better for them to never be used again.

5. Living on borrowed functioning. A particular version of co-dependence that likely has a cozy home in a lot of insecure attachment dynamics.

Which resonates the most? Chime in:

Dear Loving Avoidant,

This year, I developed serious feelings for someone for the first time in years. The experience of meeting this person was so healing because it offered me a glimpse into something I had deemed impossible for a long time: that a connection can feel safe, calm, genuine and passionate at the same time. It was early days and feelings are fallible, but I had not felt this sure about someone in a long time. Unfortunately, they had to move back to their home country after our short time of romantic bliss. The feelings were mutual, but they disbelieved that our circumstances and other commitments would ultimately make the distance too hard, so they ended things with me when they moved. It's been hard to accept their decision, while I also understand and rationally agree. 

I keep thinking of a friend of mine, who met someone and moved to his city after 3 weeks of knowing him, simply to create the opportunity of getting to know him better - they are still together three years later. Granted, she didn't have many things keeping her where she was living before, but not much less than what I have either - a love for the city, an okay job, and a strong social and creative network. The thought that keeps popping into my head when I think of her choice now is not "risky" or "impulsive" as it used to be, but "brave". And then I compare it to myself, and the fact that I did not act in this situation but rather accepted the status quo, and I think "coward" or "stuck". 

But leaving everything behind, be it things I could build again in a new place, for someone I can’t know things would work out with feels incredibly risky. It's been a few months without contact, I still think about them daily - and I am still sitting with this question, if taking a big leap of faith and giving up my current life for the potential of a better one with someone I felt something special with, would not have been "crazy" or "impulsive" as the inner and outer critics say, but actually, courageous. I don't want to look back on my life thinking that I have played it safe, but I want to be realistic, too. To be clear, I’m talking about moving to their city, a place that makes sense in other ways too, but they would absolutely be the catalyst. 

I'd be grateful for insights on weighing this up, especially thinking about avoidant attachment. All this is making me question if the life I have here is actually worth upholding, or if it’s time for a change. 

Thanks a lot!

Sincerely,

Loose Roots

Oh Dear, 

Perhaps obvious line of questioning is this: how would this person feel about you moving there? How did they feel about it when things ended? Was it ever floated as a possibility? With a few months no-contact especially, the first move would need to be gauging their interest. Or, are you talking about moving on the fumes of just hoping it works out? That would be a very different flavor of risk. 

Other questions, more pertinent to avoidant attachment specifically: were you aware that this person needed to move back to their home country in a short amount of time from the outset, or was this a surprise? And, did they express their disbelief that the relationship could work long-term early on, or just at the end during a breakup?

Here’s why those questions matter: 

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“Solutions becoming just more of the problem, of course, is one definition of neurosis.” - Adam Phillips

This is the second article in a series exploring the avoidant attachment personality. Don’t miss the first article from last month on Openness, in which we covered that trait as well as what exactly is meant by the word “personality,” as this has taken on a lot of meanings across contexts and cultures.

As a reminder, personality, in psychology, specifically refers to what are called traits—stable, permanent, long-lasting ways of being that tend to last a lifetime—as opposed to states—fluctuating, temporary, or contained ways of being such as an emotion, depressive episode, or a good day.

That article also went over a research-validated system designed for objectively analyzing personality called “The Big Five,” composed of 5 broad traits and a handful of sub-traits for each. The 5 broad traits are: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. Today, we explore Neuroticism, described as the level of general instability or distress experiences at a trait level. 

The Neurotic Personality

What does it mean to be neurotic at a trait level? Most of us view distressing experiences such as depression, anxiety, and anger as situational—passing states based on our circumstances or potentially our trauma histories. This is, however, not the entire picture according to research. Some people experience more of these negative states not because of particular circumstances that evoke them, but because it’s just how they innately respond in a stable way, perhaps to circumstances that wouldn't automatically evoke such responses in everyone. This is the most interesting thing to understand about neuroticism in personality science. 

Neuroticism is overall much more strongly correlated with avoidant attachment than openness, which we learned about last month. In general, dismissive avoidant attachment tends to come with lowered overt emotional volatility or openly acknowledged distress (the hallmarks of neuroticism.) The distress is often there, but it doesn’t get consciously experienced or outwardly expressed as neuroticism.. 

Neuroticism  in the Big Five covers the following facets, or sub-traits, (think of these as smaller umbrellas underneath the large one, knowing that we could probably keep shrinking down and expanding many little umbrellas under each of these and beyond): 

Anxiety

You could probably boil this down to how easily and often one’s fight-or-flight response is engaged. Trait-level anxiety is a stable tendency to experience situations as threatening, uncertain, or stressful and to respond with worry, vigilance, or tension across time and contexts. Unlike an anxiety state, which is highly temporary and responsive to fleeting circumstances in which most people may very well experience anxiety, or an anxiety disorder, which is both clinically impairing and treatable, trait anxiety describes a relatively stable style of emotional responding that may not meet criteria for a disorder and/or may not respond to classic treatment for anxiety disorders. 

Anger (sometimes called “hostility”)

This facet describes a stable tendency toward feeling annoyed, resentful, angry, and impatient—which may or may not consistently lead to expressing such frustration, irritability, and cynicism as part of one’s overall disposition.

Depression (also called “moodiness”)

This involves higher emotional reactivity to life’s ups and downs. It’s a stable tendency toward feeling sad, discouraged, flat, empty, guilty, or generally pessimistic/negative. It differs from a depressive disorder in that it may not meet full criteria for such a diagnosis, be clinically impairing, or respond to treatment for depression. 

Self-consciousness

This describes general sensitivity to other’s judgments and perceived or real rejection. Again, it’s a stable and ongoing sensitivity to feelings of embarrassment and shame, or generally feeling socially exposed. It differs from a social anxiety disorders in that it may not meet full criteria or respond to treatment. 

Immoderation (sometimes called “impulsiveness” or “self-indulgence”)

This is about difficulty resisting urges and cravings, and an amplified tendency toward reward-seeking. It’s involved in anything from mildly unhealthy lifestyle habits, to things like chronic procrastination, all the way to full-blown addiction. It’s a stable tendency to give in to immediate gratification over long-term goals and values, and to avoid discomfort no matter the cost.

Vulnerability (sometimes called “sensitivity”)

Anyone familiar with Brene Brown’s work has likely come to view “vulnerability” as a purely positive thing. Being vulnerable in relationships is good! It’s the opposite of being guarded. But in this framework, vulnerability means vulnerability to stress. It’s more like the opposite of resiliency. If we’re high in this trait, we may be fairly easily knocked down and overwhelmed, with chronic difficulty coping with normal life.

Neuroticism and Dismissive vs. Disorganized Avoidant Attachment

When looking at the correlation between avoidant attachment and trait-level neuroticism, it’s important to talk a little bit about dismissive avoidant attachment versus disorganized attachment, or what is sometimes called “fearful avoidant attachment”—because they differ immensely on this topic.

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Dear TLA,

My partner (33M avoidant) and I (36F anxious) have been together for almost two years. I was always clear from the beginning that I wanted a LTR and family. A few months ago he said we should buy a house together in the coming year, and said he also wanted kids. We worked on things, communicated, and got more and more secure, and I never felt so calm and loved.

About a month ago, he told me to kick my roommate out so he could move in. I was overjoyed and ready for the merger. I asked her to leave.

Next thing you know, my partner is freaking out, telling me that he feels like his life is going to end and he will lose all his autonomy if he moves in. He starts listing reasons he feels scared, like the fact that my dog sheds too much and he is dreading moving his piano. He tells me that moving in is tantamount to agreeing wholesale to becoming a father and getting married, in his mind, and he said he doesn’t know if he wants kids anymore.

My anxiety started to rise, and I asked him if there was one positive thing he could envision about moving in. He couldn’t think of anything. I lashed out, and yelled, telling him he was no longer invited to live with me, and that I deserve someone who is excited about a life together. Although I have since tried to repair, he has completely put the brakes on moving in. When I ask for a timeline, he says he can’t give me one.

I now have to find a new roommate so I don’t get penalized financially. My partner said that it was hard for him to share his fears and insecurities with me, and my reaction communicated that his feelings will be rejected. He said that until things are good again and I’m not getting upset at him, that he can’t commit to living with me. He also said that he said the things about buying a house and having kids while he was feeling good about the relationship, and that they weren’t concrete plans. He says that he loves me and wants to keep talking and figuring it out, and is going to therapy. Day-to-day, he is very present and loving, and the avoidance seems to be related to plans / future building. He says he feels broken when it comes to relationships.

I feel like I’m stuck in commitment purgatory. We seem to have opposite needs: to feel secure again, he needs all the pressure to be off. To feel secure again, I need to know that our commitment and future isn't a house of cards.

Should I be patient, and despite the distress it may cause me, give him space to go through his process? Or should I go?

Sincerely, 

Stuck 

Oh Dear,

First, good for you on being clear form the beginning that you want commitment and a family. Too often people steer-clear of that honesty for fear of “scaring someone away,” which too often results in people getting way too far along in a relationship with completely misaligned desires, and therefore someone getting bowled over or things ending–the whole mess so unnecessary. 

So let this be a PSA with a good example: you do not have to protect anyone from your desires. 

Your partner then had a pretty classic commitment freak-out once things got “real” and you were about to take the preliminary step toward those desires of moving in together. He flailed, found displacement arguments to hang his terror on (the dog hair, the piano), and became completely convinced that his fear was the voice of truth rather than the voice of the anxiety he was bestowed with in infancy. 

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This article kicks off our series exploring the avoidant attachment personality. Most of us here know what avoidant attachment is, at least on a basic level. So what is personality? Most of us also intuitively have an idea of the answer. In the science of psychology, though, personality specifically refers to what are called traits—stable, permanent, long-lasting ways of being that tend to last a lifetime—as opposed to states—fluctuating, temporary, or contained ways of being such as an emotion, depressive episode, or a good day.

The study and classification of personalities and their traits goes way back. All along the way, a lot of personality theory and classification has been largely debunked or heavily questioned and reformed. One system that has stood the test of time, deepened, and expanded, however, is a way of measuring personality called “The Big Five.” This is composed of five very broad, umbrella-like traits, along with a handful of sub-traits, or “facets,” underneath each one.

By and large, The Big Five has been very validated—more or less meaning that it has repeatedly and accurately captured important information about the way that someone moves through the world, and been able to apply that information to learn more and more about personality science.

The large, umbrella-like traits spell the word OCEAN:

​Openness to experience

​Level of sensitivity, curiosity, and attraction to parts of life such as creativity, beauty, emotions, abstraction, and different sets of values.

​Conscientiousness

​Level of capacity for and utilization of will-power, moderation, organization, discipline, responsibility, dedication, and intentionally growing competence.

​Extraversion

​Level of warmth, friendliness, and assertiveness socially, as well as general level of energy, activity, and positivity.

​Agreeableness

​Level of interpersonal empathy, trustworthiness, cooperativeness, helpfulness, humility, and earnestness.

​Neuroticism

​Level of general instability or distress including experiences of anxiety, anger, depression, insecurity, addiction, and stress.

Ok, so now we basically understand avoidant attachment, personality, and the Big Five.

Now to look deeper into trait-level Openness.

Openness

First, openness as a whole is perhaps the least strongly correlated with avoidant attachment. That is to say, there’s a lot less we can say and generalize about how the two interact than other traits. But, correlation isn’t the only potentially interesting thing to see in this sort of exploration. The concern here isn’t “how open or not open are avoidants?” (Though this type of question will actually have some clear-cut answers in future articles within this series) but “how might avoidant attachment potentially interact with openness of personality and everything that entails?”

So, what does it entail?

Openness in the Big Five covers the following facets (think of these as smaller umbrellas underneath this large one, knowing that we could probably keep shrinking down and expanding many little umbrellas under each of these and beyond):

​Imagination (also sometimes called “Fantasy”)

​This isn’t about escapism, but more so about having a rich inner world. It involves inventiveness and daydreaming. This might be the part of us that looks out at the horizon with interest and excitement.

​Artistic Interests (also sometimes called “Aesthetic Sensitivity”)

​This refers to our ability and willingness to be deeply moved by art and other awe-striking aesthetic experiences such as those common in places like nature, cathedrals, and museums.

​Emotionality

​This has to do with our access to, awareness of, and willingness to receive and feel our emotions, seeing them as valuable. As you might expect, this has perhaps the most to say about avoidant attachment and openness.

​Adventurousness

​Our relationship to trying new things, spontaneity, and experimentation. It might mean preferring novelty and seeking new experiences as opposed to enjoying routine.

​Intellect

​This is about curiosity, love of learning, and exploring abstract, theoretical, intellectual ideas. People high in this facet likely come alive when in problem-solving or philosophical exploration mode.

​Liberalism (sometimes also called “tolerance for diversity”)

​This isn’t necessarily about political orientation (though there is some overlap.) More than that, though, it is about a readiness to challenge convention, authority, and tradition, which we could imagine might be embodied anywhere on the political spectrum. You can also apply trait-liberalism to more personal relationships and individual beliefs outside of social structures.

So, openness means being open to new input. New ideas, sights, experiences, emotions, and values. It’s about a willingness to be influenced, to risk, and to grow through external stimuli of different kinds.

Correlation with Avoidant Attachment

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Hello!

I have an anxious attachment style and I want to understand more about my avoidant-style partner's tendency to instantly fix or appease when I bring up feelings and insecurities I'm having, or ask him about his internal experience after a tense interaction.

I've done a lot of work on noticing my anxious attachment patterns (e.g. passive aggression, over-processing) and am able to work past my instinctive responses before I let them spill out and trigger him to (understandably) shut down.

But I am also committed to feeling my feelings and being vulnerable when I need help or collaboration, so I do still want to be able to share what I feel and problem-solve with him so that our boundaries and safety stay intact.

We are also polyamorous, so it's essential that we can lovingly talk about insecurities and soothing small hurts as we navigate different relationships.

The issue is that when I ask a relationship question or voice a non-happy feeling, he will instantly (without listening to any context or wishes from me) complete the quickest "fix" he can find.

One example:

When we were spending a weekend together, I knew he was going through a lot of personal disappointment and depression about circumstances in his life separate from me and us — I noticed he was distracted/dissociated on his phone a lot more than usual and gently asked if he would prefer more chill, less-active plans for the day since he didn't seem engaged in being out and around town. Instead of voicing any opinions on his preference for the day, he immediately powered off his phone and stuffed it way down in his bag, saying "there, I'm not distracted anymore, it's fine, I'm fine."

Once he has had this reaction, he is not usually interested in talking about the topic any more. I have started trying to lead with "I don't need you to take any action about this... I want to work together" and inviting a "no" or a boundary from him right up front, but it doesn't seem to help. His knee-jerk reaction is to hit the "off" button on whatever he feels caused the issue.

Is there a way I can help him feel more safe voicing boundaries and alternate ideas or opinions without auto-appeasing? Am I (in my anxious-preoccupied mindset) missing something really obvious that is pushing him away or edging in on his autonomy? Or is this appeasing reaction actually a boundary in disguise, that I should take more at face-value? We've come such a long way and this is just an odd little disconnection point that keeps coming up.

Thanks for all you do!

Oh Dear,

First off I want to say that the insight in your letter is evident, deep, and nuanced. You clearly have a decent understanding of your own patterns, of his, and of the issue at hand.

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Differentiation is the opposite of enmeshment, or, as Schnarch puts it, emotional fusion. The way I read it, insecure attachment signifies low differentiation, and insecure couples are poorly differentiated.

Differentiation is ultimately a mindful practice. Fusion (or, attachment insecurity) hijacks us and makes mindfulness impossible. You have to continually pull yourself back into your own experience. Stop concerning yourself with others all the time or basing your behavior on theirs, and become truly intimate with yourself in solitude and in connection. This is part of what Schnarch means when he describes “holding onto yourself,” which is echoed here often when The Loving Avoidant urges you to “stand by yourself (and your relationship, at the same time.)

We have to learn to do this especially when tension arises. We have to learn to stay in our experience, the whole thing. Sensations, environment, thoughts, feelings, the song we have in our heads — it all belongs. Be in all of it. This is how you become actually available for intimacy with others.

Anxious folks most overtly struggle to be in their own experience. They are very preoccupied with other’s experiences and base themselves on that. Avoidant folks most overtly struggle to be in their own experience. They suppress their emotions and needs, and sometimes even thoughts and senses.

Not Withdrawal

By “being in our own experience,” we’re not retreating into ourselves, not withdrawing. We’re not going cold or disengaging.

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Hello,

I’m disorganized and have been hooking up with a dismissive avoidant for the past ten years, but in the past 7 months things have changed. Working on my own healing has allowed me to let people in. I started to wonder if I was always pushing him away.

So we started adventuring together, going to the river, bike rides etc. Everything was progressing amazingly. There were signs of his avoidant attachment, but I didn’t mind. For instance, once while watching the sunset and cuddling, he stood up feeling very overwhelmed. He seemed scared, so I stayed calm. He quickly came back after seeing me alone.

As we got closer I became scared and had a freak out or two, but he immediately calmed me down. In the past, other men called me crazy, but he knew exactly what to do to make me feel safe. One night, I asked him to admit his feelings and told him I either needed to see or hear from him more, or I would have to end this. At that moment, I saw the little boy in his eyes. So scared, he said, “You would leave?” He agreed, but then didn't follow through. I could feel him pushing me away.

During that time, I found out his “ex” (who he never committed to) told him she was going to kill herself, so he drove to see her 6 hours away. He explained he never liked her enough to commit to her and not to worry. That night, I looked into his eyes and for the first time he looked madly in love with me. My heart was full.

But then suddenly I woke up in an great amount of fear. Triggered, I broke into his phone and saw texts like, “I miss you.” Things he’s never sent me. I woke him up and said I was leaving. He stopped me and held onto me. He explained, “it’s easier getting close to people who don’t mean as much.” Oddly enough, I knew what he was talking about. I told him I was just scared and felt like I wanted to push him away because it was easier. He said he does the same thing.

Then he did it again, to me. He drove out to see her again—twice—spending over a week with her. I was devastated. I could tell in his texts he was running away from me, so I let it be. We’ve hung out twice since.

He said he’s freaking out because he’s never wanted a relationship, but he’s not sure anymore with me. He said he genuinely thinks he's a terrible person for hurting me, so I reminded him that I know who he really is and that he’s just scared. It comforted him.

But I’m going crazy not asking about this girl. My mind is telling me I’ve set up a classic disorganized-attachment situation to reenact my fears, but my gut says that I’m being disorganized by trying to run. I feel like I will regret not trusting my heart, but am I being naive? Do you have any advice?

Scared

Oh Dear,

Sometimes I receive messages in which there is so much to unpack that I don't know where to start or how to proceed.

This partly happens because the language in some messages like this use quintessentially anxious communication patterns: too many words for most people to process well, too much information and detail without enough meaning conveyed, intentions and feelings difficult to discern despite the volume of words, tendency to prolong the point and talk in circles around issues, and assuming undue knowledge of the inner workings of other people.

These are just useful patterns to read through, be aware of, and observe in oneself so that we can become more effective in our communication across the board.

But let's continue by just running through your message bit by bit.

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We’re just jumping right in this month to lay some groundwork on the topic of self-mobilization:

The High-Desire/Low-Desire Partner

Schnarch outlines a very helpful concept in our text for this series, The Passionate Marriage (a book resplendent with both flaws and wisdom), which is that there are high-desire and low-desire partners for most relationship issues. We might think of desire as most obviously or commonly having to do with the issue of sex (which is a primary focus of the book), but he also applies it to other issues and prompts the reader to think of desire more broadly.

For example, another common high/low desire situation is one partner having a higher desire for chores to be done and to have a clean and organized home, while the other partner has lower desire in this area and would naturally prioritize other things. Or, one partner caring more about travel and novel or social experiences, with the other being lower desire (but perhaps higher desire for staycations and quiet evenings…) One caring more about having plentiful money, the other perhaps caring less about bank accounts and preferring to protect free time. You get the idea.

Schnarch says that the value of identifying the high- or low-desire partner is that it clearly defines where responsibility does and doesn’t lie in partnerships. It’s one of the few places where there is simply kind of a rule. It is specifically the low-desire partner’s responsibility to self-mobilize in the direction of their partner’s desire. And, as it follows, it is specifically not the high-desire partner’s responsibility to mobilize the low-desire partner to meet them in their desire.

This might seem straight forward in the sense that we all generally know that trying to change someone else is a moot point, but in the realm of desire, things get murky.

With insecure attachment, one of the primary desires we’re dealing with is the desire for closeness and the desire for separation. With this framing, we could imagine that in an anxious-avoidant couple, it would specifically be the partner who desires closeness less’ job to self-mobilize toward creating closeness, and the partner who desires separation less’ job to self-mobilize toward creating more separation.

Self-mobilization on the part of the low-desire partner often comes as a result of successful self-confrontation (see last month’s deep-dive.)

That doesn’t mean we have to persistently and consistently act in ways that are antithetical to our own desires—no. But the point is that we shouldn’t make our partner nag and drag us toward doing the things that we know they desire in the relationship in order to budge for them at all. So rather than thinking about persistently/consistently acting in the opposite direction of our own desire, we might simply try to regularly, intermittently, and in small ways mobilize ourselves to take a step in the direction of our partner’s desire in order to create just a little bit more balance and good will.

The rest of this article leans heavily on the idea of the high-desire and low-desire partner, so return to this section if you need to clarify, and feel free to ask any questions in the comments or community chat.

“Just Tell Me What to Do!”

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1.

Do you have any advice on how to steer your partner to consider “doing their work,” without telling them what you think their attachment style is? I understand that that would be a real violation of boundaries. I am anxious and I feel my partner is avoidant; we’re trying to show up for each other but I think if they also had empathetic materials that made them feel like less of a doomed oddity, along with clear guidance and strategies, it would help them so much. It feels like a Catch-22.

2.

After a push-pull dynamic and being ghosted by him after having moved back to Spain, we reconnected 4 months later. I had learnt about attachment theory and tried to show up better by communicating/setting boundaries. Unfortunately, it didn’t change the stonewalling. I decided to tell him that it might be best to be friends, after saying that I’m not interested in something casual and him not being clear on what he wants. Can long-distance work with an avoidant?

3.

I am anxious-preoccupied. My dismissive-avoidant friend often needs reminders to follow through on agreements we've made, like to pay me back, or to reach out around a certain date. If his forgetfulness is a symptom, I'm ok to support him with reminders. But I asked him if that was the case, and he said he just totally forgot and that was all. It came across as uncaring and selfish to my anxious brain. My question is: can avoidants literally forget the thing they are avoiding? I imagined it more like avoiding an elephant in the room.

**

Oh Dear,

I lined up these three separate messages from you three different anxious attachers for a few reasons:

First, you have a lot in common with one another and paint a picture, and second, I have fairly straightforward answers to each one of you, so I'm "killing three birds with one stone," here. I'll try to make this useful for both the anxious and the avoidant among us.

Let's start with the straightforward answers to each of you:

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We’re in our third article looking at four relationship responsibilities, derived from the work of David Schnarch in his (occasionally cringey and at times outdated) book Passionate Marriage. Despite its flaws, this book is likely to blow the minds of insecure couples, and particularly to provide a road map that is a little bit more actually followable for avoidants than a lot of popular relationship books outline.

Self-confrontation means getting realer than you have ever gotten with yourself before about your role in how your relationship is going.

You say to yourself, "Come on now, really. What could I be doing better? How am I creating or maintaining the very thing I’m complaining about? How am I complicit? What’s my responsibility? What am I trying to get away with? What am I putting on them unfairly? What would I look like to an outside observer who also knew all my motivations and thoughts at all times?"

Because the truth is, as much as we all like the idea of “trusting the process” and “going easy on ourselves,” which is all wonderful stuff, mind you (this project often advocates for starting with self-compassion, after all). But the fact of the matter is that our choices and behaviors—big and small, skillful and poor—irrevocably shape our lives.

Self-confrontation is the practice of looking closely at ourselves and what we may be doing to the relationship, what we’re not doing for it and for ourselves.

We may start to see:

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Hello Loving Avoidant,

I'm a 47 year old woman with avoidant tendencies, especially around commitment. While I recognize many avoidant traits in myself, I don’t fully fit the stereotype. I don’t shy away from introspection or conflict, and I’ve had three long-term relationships, two of them with anxious partners.

For a long time, I thought I was the problem. Why didn’t I know if I was truly in love? Why did the mere idea of long-term commitment trigger panic or make me feel trapped?

I judged myself harshly, fixating on everything I lacked. Internalized messages about what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be avoidant, only added to my confusion and shame. I grieved my most recent relationship long before it ended. And in the aftermath, what I mostly felt was relief. Not because I didn’t care, because I did love him, but because I’d spent years trying to fit into his dream of love, and as lovely as it was, it was never mine.

Now, I’m realizing that trying to mold myself into conventional ideas of commitment was what made me the most unhappy. I don’t dream of “forever love,” marriage, or building a life under one roof. I’ve internalized those expectations, but that’s not the path I want for myself. My avoidant wiring still needs attention, as some patterns are detrimental to me. But I’m also beginning to see it as a feature, not a flaw.

I value intimacy, presence, and mutual respect. I just want to experience them in ways that feel right for me, which often means shorter, meaningful connections, and protecting my space. That’s not being broken, that’s being honest. I want to offer a bit of reassurance to other avoidants: it’s also okay to not want what’s deemed “normal”, it is a totally legitimate need.

But it also means that we need total honesty firstly towards ourselves, and of course towards our dear partners.

Sincerely,

Self-accepted

Oh Dear,

What a lovely message.

I love your wording of avoidant patterns being a "feature, not a flaw."

Perhaps there is too much emphasis, even here in this "safe" space for avoidants, on fixing ourselves as though we are broken. I try to sprinkle in some "here are our strenghths, lean into them," and "seriously though, self-compassion" posts, but I think that messaging, and what you're sharing here, deserves more air space.

In that spirit, should I just leave your message as it stands to be read? Tempting, but here's some expansion:

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Self-validation is usually very hard for people with insecure attachment patterns, just like self-soothing. According to our text for this series, The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, validation from others is nice, but not necessary for conversations to progress or problems to be addressed. Validating and soothing our partners are good skills to learn and practice, and can help when we’re able to do them genuinely, but forcing them (or having them forced upon us) does not create secure connection.

We all would ideally want validation from our partners—and being able to both offer and receive it is important. But demanding validation or giving it disingenuously isn't the way. It is very much not the way!

Let’s talk about what to do instead.

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Hi Loving Avoidant,

I have been with my partner for almost a year. It was a passionate love at the beginning. I had doubts and an overall feeling of "not being ready for a serious relationship" but I went for it because I was aware that I had some avoidant tendencies and that I wanted to try. We moved in 6 months later (again, I was not 100% sure but I just went for it) and that is when anxiety started trickling in—mostly due to our constant arguments about me needing more time for my two jobs as well as just for myself, and her being not ok with me being away a lot due to work trips (5-6 days/month).

I fell into depression that resulted in me wanting to break up. I said that I felt trapped, that I didn't know if I had any feelings left, and that maybe I would be better off alone. She suggested giving it another chance and being more understanding of my needs. I agreed (reluctantly, I must say, because at that point I mentally checked out and was looking forward to my free, single life.)

I indeed got more space and she did some work on herself. Yet I am still ruminating on whether this is the right relationship, or if there is someone better with whom personal space and time would not be an issue at all, and if single life will be easier and more enjoyable than this.

Recently she said that we are reaching a critical point and our relationship can only go on if I believe I love her. I said I believed I loved her and that I want to continue. I felt a little relief after saying "I believe I love you," because it at least was a choice to stay and I was exhausted of the 'stay or leave' mindset and questioning.

Still though, I can't get rid of an extreme feeling of guilt. I have this constant internal dialogue of: "you just postponed the break up because you know you don't really love her. You are deceiving her because you are both afraid to hurt her and of all the inconveniences that come with a break up, and you will simply continue to hurt her if you stay."

I keep telling myself that she is a great person, that she loves me deeply, that love is a choice, and that maybe due to my childhood traumas I just don't know what love should feel like. And yet I am afraid that I will just live with these thoughts forever, staying out of guilt and shame, telling myself that I am "just avoidant" and having to cope with it.

Is getting love and joy back possible? Or is “falling out of love” a real thing?

Signed,

Empty

Oh Dear,

First: yes, falling out of love is a real thing. Adult relationships are conditional and if the conditions are not good people generally have a hard time feeling happy and/or staying. Insecure couples tend to stay together a lot longer while unhappy than secure ones, because of our issues with doubt, abandonment, guilt, and so on.

But even when things are objectively good, sometimes feelings still just evaporate. People change, which means feelings change.

Second: yes, it is possible to get love and joy back if those things have eroded or left a relationship that used to be loving and joyful. Is is always possible? Probably not. Does it take a lot of work from both people? Yes. Does that work necessarily include the mutual desire to do such long and focused relationship work? Yes.

The desire is one thing that you can't fake. You can't manufacture it. You have to genuinely desire to work on the relationship in order to keep it.

Beyond these rather simple issues regarding your final questions, there is so much to respond to in your letter, Empty.

A lot of what your letter reflects are rather classic avoidant (and some just insecure) tendencies:

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Anxious-preoccupied attachment easily leads to over-working in relationships (in ineffective ways)—feeling falsely overly responsible. In response to this overblown sense of responsibility (sometimes worded as being “the only one who is working on the relationship!!!!!!”), the tendency is to vacillate between becoming controlling and demanding to “whip the relationship [/their partner] into shape”, shaping their own behavior but to try to create a certain outcome with their partner, or becoming withholding and punishing to try to ramp up the insecurity and force things to a head. All of these are energy draining and ineffective ways to improve a relationship. Learning to take a step back and let go out control, letting others move further away without panicking, is one of the key pieces of overcoming anxious attachment.

We avoidants also tend feel overly responsible for both ourselves and others in our own way. The closer others get to us, we oscillate between pushing back against our automatic feeling of obligation, and acquiescing to them to avoid conflict. In other words, we tend to either become defiant—bucking against others and pushing away—or compliant—going along with whatever others says they want while hiding our own needs (often even from ourselves.) Both of these modes are also energy draining and damaging to relationships. Learning to drop our sense of guardedness and obligation, letting others come close without losing contact with ourselves, is one of the key pieces of overcoming avoidant attachment.

And so, a warped understanding of responsibility is part and parcel of insecure attachment. In childhood, all of us insecure attachers were made subtly responsible for things way outside of our ability to understand or influence—namely our parent’s needs and emotions. We therefore need to spend quite a bit time here parsing what is and isn't our responsibility from different angles, and in fact much of the content in this whole project has this as its aim.

As usual, though all insecure relating is discussed here, my main focus will be on helping those with avoidant attachment (and increasing understanding among their loved ones.)

The next few deep dives look at four responsibilities we all carry in order to create the intimacy we claim to want, derived and interpreted by this project from David Schnarch’s landmark book Passionate Marriage. As dated, heteronormative, and occasionally cringey as the book is, it is also potentially mind-blowing for the insecure and, compared to many relationship books, would likely be a breath of fresh air for avoidants in particular.

With one responsibility overview each month, use it as an opportunity to focus on developing one particular skill or mindset at a time.

Let’s break down the first of these four responsibilities.

Responsibility 1: Self-Soothing

We hear about self-soothing all the time, or self-regulation. But I suspect most people grappling with insecurity aren't doing it regularly or well.

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Responsibility becomes warped in all types of insecure attachment and is a topic that deserves special attention. Knowing what we are—and are not—responsible for is critical for relationships to thrive.

The four responsibilities will generally cover:

1. Self-soothing: learning to basically be okay.

2. Self-validation: owning your experience regardless of the response.

3. Self-confrontation: getting real with yourself about your part.

4. Self-mobilization: learning to basically not be a jerk.

The first in the series drops tomorrow! With one dropping each month, take it as an opportunity to focus on one skill/mindset at a time to turn around your relationships from the ground up. Let’s make this the year that we all make a meaningful dent in our insecure attachment.

In the meantime, head over to the community chat here to talk with me and your fellow travelers in this project anytime!

Talk soon,

The Loving Avoidant

Dear Loving Avoidant,

My best friend and I are in a fairly classic anxious-avoidant attachment. I love him and would love to be in a relationship. He got hurt badly in the past and "doesn't believe in love" anymore and says that he needs "freedom" to do whatever he wants and so on. He hasn't been in a relationship in years and says he never plans to again.

We normally get along very well and it's like we're in our own little world most of the time. And then it's like he randomly feels the urge to assert his "freedom" and pulls away for a while, which makes me upset. And he absolutely can't stand it when I get upset or jealous so then he tries to cut me off, but somehow or other we always end up reuniting even more passionately than the last time.

Rinse and repeat.

I've read a lot about attachments styles so I can pretty easily see what is happening. I believe strongly that he cares about me and it's obvious that when we're apart for a while he starts to miss me a lot. So, sometimes I wonder if I should just leave him alone for a month or two and maybe he'll have a breakthrough of some sort? But first of all, that would be incredibly difficult for me. And second of all, I don't really like the idea of playing games like that.

So I'm kind of at a loss.

We keep getting closer and closer which makes it even harder for me to try to move on. I can't even think about anyone else romantically. And while I don't mind this for now, I do want to get married and have kids someday so it can't go on forever. I can't see the end game at all and that concerns me.

Also, I would like to introduce him to attachment theory eventually but our situation is kind of delicate so I want to be careful with delivery and timing. Do you have any tips on how to bring it up?

Much love,

Trapped with no future

Oh Dear,

Let's start with your last question. I always recommend that if someone wants to bring attaachment theory into a relationship, that it's done with the intention of creating a shared language for certain issues and never to teach someone about relationships, or even worse, to explain to them what their problems are and how to fix them. If the language or approach of attachment theory doesn't appeal to one partner, then it's not an effective theory to work with together and shouldn't be used within the relationship.

The best way to introduce it, though, is to tell him about how your anxious attachment effects you and your relationships—in the past and present. For example, you can tell him the ways in which you perpetually set aside your own desires and needs just to keep other people from leaving you or pushing you away at the cost of real connection. You can discuss how you seek relationships wherein your full self will definitely feel like "too much" to your partner so that you don't ever have to face the vulnerability of being the full expression of who you are. You can tell him that you do all of these things to cover over your fear of actual intimacy. You can then consider asking if he's interested in exploring how attachment dynamics might be effecting you two together. Just be prepared to accept the answer.

Now let's jump back to the beginning of your letter.

By your definition this is your best friend and not your romantic partner.

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Relationship work is most effective when explored in the context of relationships. When working with insecure attachment, we are mainly learning how to respond differently when we’re triggered or flooded—not in theory, but in practice. It’s relatively easy to reflect and identify ideal behaviors when we’re alone, or with our therapist or journal, but much harder when faced with a real person, two sets of emotions, and possibly mutually reinforcing behaviors.

But avoidant attachment isn’t just something that plays out in romantic relationships, it can color the way we approach any aspect of life. From best friends to total strangers, from careers to cleanliness, your attachment patterns might have a further reach than you think. Though the rest of this book focuses on romantic relationships, this section briefly explores how avoidant tendencies might show up across the board, and how we can get started on our journey toward security even if we’re not currently in a romantic relationship.

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