So, it was brought to my attention that, in a lot of discussions about gender in our community, women are constantly reminded of their duties while men are constantly reminded of their rights. I took a moment to think about it, and much to my regret, i have to admit this is true.

Subhan’Allah for some reason, a lot of the messages we hear are being framed for men from the other direction, as if it was all about what they can do and all about what we must do. The imbalance is real and doing something damaging to how both men and women in our Ummah are being raised, married, and taught to relate to each other.

Because as for most of the issues we observe in the community, Islam is not like that: Allah gave us rights and duties, always with the understanding that one cannot exist without the other, and that justice should rule relationships, so when some are trained/influenced to see only half of the picture, we end up with dynamics that are really questionable from an islamic point of view, no matter how many verses they quote to justify them.

In his farewell sermon, the Prophet ﷺ said :

“Indeed you have rights over your women, and your women have rights over you.”

Sunan at-Tirmidhi

It wasn’t some sort of afterthought: it was a key principle he chose to remind the ummah of, in one of the most important speeches of his life.

So why is it that today, most Muslim women are raised or too often told about their duties but many couldn’t articulate their basic Islamic rights if you asked them, let alone men? Why are so many of us taught to serve, to sacrifice, to submit, without being taught, with the same clarity and confidence, what is owed to us in return?

As for many things i’ve addressed in my letters before, I think part of it is cultural (even maybe a little political?), absorbed over generations and confused in religious language, until it became indistinguishable from the deen itself (you know, just like when you used the word “haram” abusively for things that actually aren’t), but i believe part of it is also convenient, because a community of women who only know their duties is a community that is easier to control, and part of it, honestly, is that many of the people of science teaching us (especially men) haven’t fully studied the balance or understood it, so they teach us what they think they know, and the imbalance perpetuates itself.

But knowing your rights and even more so, speaking up for them, is not rebellion or feminism in a bad-faith Western sense as sooo many like to claim. It’s not disrespect towards your husband, your father, or your community. It is literally something that, Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted us - the same deen that asks a wife to obey her husband asks a husband to treat her with kindness, honor her, provide for her, and never harm her, the same deen that asks women to be modest asked men to lower their gaze first, before addressing women at all.

The problem is, when you only know your duties, you become vulnerable to being taken advantage of by people who know both. You neglect your needs, and worse, believe they aren’t as worthy.

Somehow, so many sisters sacrifice their happiness because of this, as ultimately, a man that has been taught his expectations of you but not his obligations to you will disappoint you and most will call it your responsibility to endure.

And speaking of which, there’s the other side of the coin, with sisters who actually strongly believe this is how things are, that if you feel wronged, it must be a lack in your patience, your imaan, your character, that it says more about you as a woman than your partner. They obviously couldn’t be any more mistaken, and i find it actually saddening to see so many advocating for this biased perception when in reality, a right without a corresponding duty could turn into entitlement, and a duty without a corresponding right into… exploitation.

This is not what our beloved Prophet ﷺ stood for or the dynamic that defines relationships in Islam. I mean, did you know that divorce had been authorized in Islam upon the request of a woman to him? That says so much about how much Allah values women, how Islam had always been ahead of its time and how wrong people are when they say it oppresses women (although i guess thinking of today’s topic, you sometimes can’t completely blame them really).

So here’s what i believe has become truly essential, whatever our age is but especially for the younger generations of girls we are all raising and influencing: learning your rights, in addition to your duties of course, doesn’t make you less of a Muslimah. It makes you a more equipped one, it means that when someone tries to use religious language to justify their overreach, you can meet them with knowledge and certainty about what Allah gave you, without ever rejecting the duties you indeed need to follow, but most importantly, to study and comprehend so they don’t ever feel like they’re not an act of worship before being an obligation towards your husband.

Besides, in addition to actually being a blessing for them on many levels (happy wife, happy life right?), respecting women’s rights also protects the men in our lives from becoming versions of themselves they shouldn’t be, because a man who’s never reminded of his duties towards his wife will normalize things that Allah never permitted or encouraged, often without realizing it. On the long run, this makes people drift apart and accentuates the gap that currently exists in the Ummah between men and women, by repeating the same toxic patterns that prevent them from throughly enjoying the beauty of their relationships on a whole other, deeper emotional and spiritual level.

Knowing all of this and embodying it means you enter marriage, motherhood, work and community with a clear sense of what you owe and what is owed to you, so you can hold both without confusion or guilt, and I pray that all women gather the courage to live it fully, but also, for men to understand that respecting our rights and honoring their duties just like we do will truly benefit them and us all.

As usual, i’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts about all of this.

Love and du’as,

Assia

This letter is sponsored by Well Solidarity, a Muslim run positive impact company allowing you to build wells and plant trees for people in need all around the world! 💧🌳

This is the second time I work with them and they truly do a wonderful job: I dedicated the well to my dad (Allah y rahmo) and everything went very smoothly, you even get pictures of …

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No time to read Qur’an, to learn Arabic, to take care of ourselves properly, to call our parents, to pursue the project we keep talking about, to memorize that surah, to deepen our knowledge, to rest, to plan, to think… The idea’s always the same.

So here’s something that might sting a little (but see it as me being the good friend that tells you the things you don’t like to hear but need to hear!): most of the time, that isn’t true.

You do have time.

In fact, time is the one resource Allah gives us in equal measure: 24 hours every single day following the same rhythm, for as long as we’re alive. You just don’t use it the way you wish you did.

There is a specific difference between not having something and not using it well, almost as if gratitude was involved, and ever since I’ve realized that, i’ve really made it a point to avoid saying ‘i don’t have time’, but rather “i’ve not prioritized it” so instead of neglecting the blame, I take the responsibility and therefore, am more likely to actually make a change.

Now hear me out: I’m not here to convince you to optimize every minute of your life or guilt you into squeezing more output from your already probably exhausted self! But I want to help you look at your relationship with time more honestly, because Allah will ask us about it.

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We Muslims are being ruined every-single-day because of how obsessed we are with AI.

In aya (20:128) of the Quran, Allah says:

“Indeed, in that are signs for those of intelligence.”

Who would have thought the ones He’s alluding to here, those of intelligence, would become stupider by the day, all because of another type of intellig…

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You meet a man, get to know him, start to picture a life with him within the beautiful context of mariage, you feel safe, seen, understood, he’s smart, kind, educated, calm, handsome, funny, curious, family-oriented… All of these warm and incredible human feelings, despite him not being on the same wavelength when it comes to faith.

Because he doesn’t pray. Doesn’t go to the mosque. Isn’t attached to preserving himself for marriage. Might not even want to actually discuss and learn about our deen with you.

And while these are important for you, you tell yourself he can change, that love is enough, that this is between him and Allah, that maybe with time, through you, something will shift in him…

Clearly, the heart can get incredibly creative when it wants to counteract what your gut is actually telling you.

Because deep down, you do know.
You know you love someone in Allah that doesn’t even love Him.

This is one of the forms of heartbreak that no one really talks about, but it does happen, even to the women you’d never expect, to the ones who pray, who fast, who genuinely care about their deen, and it deserves to be discussed honestly.

When it happened to me a few years ago, it was certainly one the hardest things i’ve ever had to go through. It was so far from the standards I thought i’d set for myself, I constantly prayed both for forgiveness from Allah and positive change from this man who wasn’t even doing that for me or himself. My heart was just never at peace.

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We discuss the emotional and psychological barriers that can make intimacy feel overwhelming, how shame and cultural expectations impact our relationship with our bodies, and the importance of healing, communication, and self-compassion.

This episode is a gentle reminder that intimacy is not just physical: it’s deeply emotional and spiritual too!

Please leave a review to help the podcast reach more Muslimas navigating life, relationships, and healing ✨

Links of my guest:

• Amirah's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amirahzaky

• Amirah's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@amirah_zaky

My Links:

• My Book The Winds of Change: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://amzn.to/49zlWcC⁠⁠⁠⁠

• My Newsletter: https://themizaan.substack.com

• My Instagram: instagram.com/themizaan

As someone with a chronic illness and levels of fatigue that are really hard to man…

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For some reason, certain people drain us in ways we struggle to articulate, and we can sense it has nothing to do with being an introvert.

We don’t talk about this enough, especially as Muslims, because we tend to glorify loyalty to a fault. We’ve been taught to be patient, to overlook, to keep giving, to never give up on someone, and while these are beautiful values when applied wisely, they can also become traps when we use them to justify staying in dynamics that quietly erode our peace, our imaan, and even who we are as people.

I think part of growing up spiritually is learning to recognize the difference between a friendship that challenges you in healthy ways, where you can feel you love each other for the sake of Allah or, at least, can witness a genuine care proven through words and action, and one that simply costs you more than it gives.

But how to act accordingly without guilt?

Your circle matters more than you think

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“A person is upon the religion of his close friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends.”

Sunan Abi Dawud

This hadith reminds us that friendship in Islam is never a casual matter. The people we keep close to us influence the way we think, the way we speak, the way we see the world, and most importantly, the way we relate to Allah. That influence is often subtle, accumulating in tiny moments, overtime, shaping us slowly until one day we look up and realize we’ve drifted from who we wanted to become.

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While I genuinely appreciate the intention behind it (your girl here has been working t…

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But don’t you feel like there is a misconception that has quietly taken root in our community, one where wearing hijab and being modest implies sacrificing dressing, pampering, and just being feminine for yourself?

Think about it: the pieces we love but can’t wear outside sit in the back of our closets, the hair care routine is a little neglected because there’s no need for a good hair day anymore, no earrings get bought because no one will see them anyway… Somehow many sisters convince themselves that this is what modesty is supposed to feel and be like.

And then, there are those who believe you have no business in making an effort to look put together because people and you even simply wanting to make that effort to look nice makes you… Shallow. (funny how no one says that about some of the brothers showing off their shirtless bodies in gym selfies, or reminds them that they’re supposed to lower their gaze, right?)

I honestly don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the way, something got lost and so many women now feel disconnected from their own femininity, from the simple joy of feeling pretty, from the ritual of taking care of ourselves.

Not for an audience or for a man, but as an expression of respect and love for Allah and ourselves.

Modesty was never meant to erase us

Contrarywise to what many people think, including ladies themselves, modesty in Islam is not about minimizing yourself or hiding your light as a woman, both at home and in the public space: it is about preserving it mindfully, choosing who has access to it, and carrying yourself with dignity in every space you enter. That’s honestly the thing I love most about it, and ever since I started wearing hijab, I can feel that sense of responsibility and elegance to carry as a Muslimah way more than ever before, almost as if I was this humble vessel carrying a minuscule part of the immense beauty of Islam, hoping Allah finds me beautiful and people think our din is full of color and light, despite what some claim.

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I want to add…

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And behind the actually genuine “Mabrook! Allahuma barek i’m so happy for you” and du’as, there’s still this tiny pinch in your heart, not at all because you don’t wish them well but because it brings you back to your reality and naturally can’t help but wonder “why not me too?”

I’m certain that you’ve felt the discomfort that comes from realizing you might be envious of a random someone you compare yourself to, or worse, someone you love, and I find it’s only rarely addressed because admitting it feels like it would make us bad people, or even bad Muslims.

I mean, hear me out, i get it really and truth be told, it sucks.

I know this has been on my mind a lot recently, and anytime I’d feel envy, I’d beat myself up and spiral a little about not being a good person, despite what people think. I mean, it does show a disease of the heart, and it is never pleasant thing to realize that.

But I’ve come to believe that pretending we don’t feel it or not exactly understanding what it can mean is precisely what makes it dangerous, because it sits in silence and slowly shapes the way we see others, the way we see ourselves, and ultimately, the way we relate to Allah and what He has decreed for each of us.

So instead letting the disease grow, let’s see how we can gently heal from it.

Why acknowledging it matters

Think about going to the doctor and not saying where you hurt yet still expecting them to give you the exact cure for whatever is wrong with you. It doesn’t make any sense right?

So likewise, when experiencing a disease of the heart, you need to acknowledge it in order to start working on it, and out of the many beautiful concepts we’re lucky to have in Islam, tazkiyat an nafs, the purification of the soul, is essential for that.

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While the concept in itself is undeniably very problematic, it really got me thinking about how some of these sisters must have felt afterwar…

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Together, we explore what’s really behind the rising struggles in Muslim marriages, from unmet expectations and communication breakdowns to cultural pressures, mental health and faith perspective on this topic. Humeyra shares what she’s seeing on the ground through her work, common patterns couples face, and how our deen can be a source of healing rather than guilt.

I hope you find this episode as grounding and eye-opening as I did!

About my guest:
Ruh Platform: https://www.ruhcare.com/Ruh Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ruhcare/

My Book
The Winds of Change is now available worldwide: https://www.lulu.com/fr/shop/assia-boukrouh/the-winds-of-change/paperback/product-576mvy8.html?page=1&pageSize=4

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My links:
Instagram: instagram.com/inbalance.podcastInstagram: instagram.com/themizaanYouTube: youtube.com/themizaan

I have to say though, this time is different, because disappointment and exhaustion are the first emotions that come to mind and that I feel like are completely f…

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