The in-between portal of waiting for labor is the ultimate form of surrender, especially as a Virgo (former Type A) who likes to feel in control. On the note of astrology, I actually have a Virgo daughter and am expecting another Virgo daughter, unless she makes an early debut within the next two days. It’s pretty wild to think about three of us in one house and what that will be like for my poor husband. I love Virgos, and I love being one, but sometimes the shadow traits really stop me from living a life I desire. I can’t blame this only on my sun sign; the perfectionism in me gets in my head way too often.

Hence this Substack, which I have gotten stuck in a place of waiting for the perfect thing to say to put out a weekly post, which lately has fallen off at the end of my pregnancy as my creativity feels a bit stuck. But what I’ve realized over the years is that waiting for it to be perfect is the opposite of what I need to do. Whenever I overthink, I either procrastinate, don’t put anything out, or put out something I think I “should” post, and it flops.

A ton of healing I have done in the shadow elements is allowing my perfectionist not to run the show of my life. Having a daughter has forced me to work through this a lot, as motherhood requires you to stop performing and not be perfect. I also want her not to feel pressured to have things perfect to be worthy, something I struggled with a lot growing up. This post was not about being a Virgo, but more about surrender and trusting. We are smack in the middle of eclipses.

The corridor — aka the in-between

The first one happened on August 12th, and the next one is August 27th (my actual due date). When we’re in this space, it feels like stagnation and nothing is happening. This is where the magic lies: the in-between of the shift that inevitably will occur. Not only are we emotionally feeling it, but there are a lot of physical symptoms coming up.

More tired than usual but also more wired, confusion, maybe even weird stomach issues. It could be early labor, but for me, I've been having a lot of detoxing in my system and loss of appetite all week, weird dizzy spells, and an overall feeling of anxiousness. The best way I can explain it from a nervous system POV is functional freeze. Feeling like you have one foot on the gas and one foot off, unable to move forward, yet needing to move energy.

For me, I’ve had a lot of momentum followed by pauses in work-related things. Quite literally being ghosted by people I had conversations with who won’t move forward. But right as I stopped forcing things, 3 new opportunities came in after months of slowness and feeling lack — all within 2 weeks of me being due with my baby. Timing has a funny way of doing that. It’s asking me to prioritize what is actually worth my energy versus forcing something out of fear. Saying yes to what actually lights me up instead of what I think I ‘should’ say yes to, and trusting that the right things will find me instead of chasing everything that shows up.

Imagine how I feel being pregnant with constant labor signs yet nothing progressing. I’m currently 39 weeks, which by this point in my last pregnancy I had my baby, who arrived 5 days early (right before the start of Libra to be a Virgo). I truly thought that since last week I was going early again and having a Leo this time. I know our baby chooses their timing, so I am trusting hers and trying to not force anything or overthink it. It’s the ultimate form of letting go of control.

This time, I am working with a midwife group, which is night and day from my experience with my OB. By now, I would have had 2-3 cervical exams, an induction date being forced, and probably a membrane sweep. My midwife agreed with my doula, who is against checking. My doula is all about allowing your body to do its thing and surrendering.

This birth is teaching me a lot about surrender in general. It’s teaching me to sit with the discomfort of pain, to stop trying to control and allow what happens to happen, to know I am safe.

I love the saying that women are the portal between heaven and earth, and that's exactly what I feel caught in right now — this in-between where nothing is fully here yet and nothing has fully let go. Regardless of whether you're pregnant or not, I think we're all standing in some version of this portal right now, waiting to see what's on the other side.

Lightness in the dark

Eclipses are all about being in the dark and still trusting you will see the light. We went from Leo on the 12th, which is all about being heart-led and seeing your light, to shifting into Pisces on the 27th, which is all about being in touch with your intuition and emotions. We’re actually not meant to force right now; we’re meant to rest. We don’t have to rush into the next thing or what we think we should have figured out. We’re meant to sit in the in-between of not knowing and allowing the universe to take care of us. Trust me, as a control freak, this is hard for me too.

I talk all about surrendering into conviction, a practice I’ve worked a lot with my therapist this past year, that has helped me own internal parts. The space isn’t about distraction or numbing; it’s about sitting with the discomfort coming up when there is spaciousness and unknown. I’ve recently had a money manifestation come through. If I'm honest, underneath the anxiety is that it won't last, that I now have to show up bigger, that I don't fully believe I earned it. It's the same voice that told me I had to be perfect to be worthy growing up, just showing up around money now instead of performance.

Sometimes when things come through that we desire, we actually need to learn to integrate this new version of ourselves that feels safe enough to hold it and worthy to receive it. It's asking me to unlearn the idea that I have to earn abundance through struggle before I'm allowed to actually receive it, instead of unconsciously finding ways to shrink back to what feels familiar.

That’s what eclipses ask of us: to trust that what’s coming is meant for you, and what’s leaving is meant to leave.

Have you felt this kind of in-between limbo lately — waiting on something without knowing when or how it’ll shift? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

As a soon-to-be second-time mom, my nesting and baby prep look way different than the first time. We technically don’t have a nursery, as my toddler is still in that room, and it felt way too overwhelming to move her into a new room, decorate it, and transition her to a big girl bed before the baby comes. This may have been a huge mistake, but alas, here we are. I’ve also gotten so many messages from people telling me that if she’s not trying to escape her crib, keep her in it as long as possible.

While I typically fall into the camp of a Montessori motherhood approach, which technically encourages a floor bed before they are two, she is about to be three. Something in me just is rolling with my gut on this and will ultimately try this in a few months once things feel more settled.

When it comes to the baby, I am currently 37.5 weeks while writing this, which means I could go into labor any moment or within the next 3 weeks. I’m actually getting an iron infusion while typing one-handed. The end of pregnancy is wild like that; you could be walking around dilating while just living your life and not even know it. I am due right when Virgo season starts, which as a Virgo with a Virgo daughter already, I’m secretly hoping this next baby will come a few days early and be a Leo.

That’s where I get a lot of my Type A energy from, which has been in for a whirlwind postpartum, where my perfect schedule and performance did not equate in motherhood the way it used to. Nonetheless, I still have some of this trait, which has been showing up in full force the last few weeks. It’s like the procrastinator part of me (aka functional freeze) finally stepped aside to let my perfectionist part come to life. Suddenly, the urgency started kicking in, and I felt a shift into more sympathetic, activated energy to get shit done.

With my first, I was all about the nursery, the registry, and the perfect stroller. And yes, while important, they’re not my priority. I know I don’t need as much, and my baby will be in our room for a few months. So there is also less of a rush to get our daughter out of the nursery for now. I also know that preparing less for the baby and more for the mom is something we don’t know until we go through it. Or unless you have a virtual mom friend like me to remind you.

Pregnancy prep

This pregnancy felt different for many reasons, but a big one was that I didn’t focus as much on getting all the things. I have been too focused on being with my daughter and enjoying her that I often have forgotten I was pregnant. I felt immense guilt around that, as with my first pregnancy, I was so in tune with her and my body the whole time.

Mindful registry

My registry was very slim and included some things that family friends wanted to get me. But I also love this concept for a registry by Little Honey Money, which focuses on maternal wellness, postpartum recovery, and whole-family support rather than traditional physical baby gadgets.

Baby Blessing Ceremony

Instead of a baby sprinkle, I opted for a baby blessing ceremony, which was so beautiful and intentional. I did this with my dear mom friend who I met in my first pregnancy. We both happen to have daughters 3 days apart, and now our second daughters will be a few weeks apart. This was done by an incredible Shamanic Crystal Healer, who blessed our babies and gave us their spirit animal while being witnessed by friends to hold space for us.

Doula support

In the first pregnancy, I so badly wanted a doula to support my birth. I ended up doing a birth class session with one, which I highly recommend. However, I had two cancel on me before giving birth. It ended up being fine, and my mom came to support us in the room, which was so special. However, this time I knew I wanted support not only for my labor but throughout my pregnancy. I found an incredible woman who has provided not only emotional support, but physical relief with ongoing prenatal massages and Watsu therapy to help my body with pain.

Mom support groups

I joined Mysha when I was pregnant last time, and it’s been a group I remained in ever since. It was less about making “mom friends” for baby playdates but more about preserving the part of me that still existed outside of motherhood. I wanted moms who were in the thick of it with me. As a FTM and the first of my friends to get pregnant, being put in a birth pod with other moms (from all over) who were up at the same time and dealing with the struggles I was truly saved me. But I gained so much more than that; my network began to expand alongside my role as a mother. I began finding myself again by going to local events in the city and connecting with badass mompreneurs and women who turned their postpartum into purpose.

This time I am in the group again, and what I love is that I’m connected with new moms all over who have multiples and can truly relate to what I am going through in this season.

I also joined oPPal, which is an amazing platform for connecting moms with a “big”, someone who is a step ahead of you in motherhood. I wasn’t sure if I needed it as I’ve been through this before. But having a mom who texts you 1:1, who understands what you are going through and has lived it, is everything. I got paired with another mom of 2, and knowing I can go to her and she gets it fully without judgment is crucial for my well-being. Especially as again, I’m the first of my friends to be having their now second. The founder started this company out of her own PPD needs for community and support. Join ⁠oPPal ⁠and get $5 off with code MMC15.

With all of the heightened awareness around maternal mental health and postpartum depression is that we need support and we need community.

Postpartum prep

This time, I focused less on all the aesthetics and more on setting up systems for myself to feel nourished, while also taking care of a wild toddler and very little support during the week.

postpartum cart

Something I am doing this time that I also did last time is my postpartum cart, which I believe is so great to have stocked and ready. Here is what mine looks like + everything I have on it.

Top row: (most accessible): Burp clothes, binkies, and tinctures, supplements + healing. Some new herbs I am trying this time are from Wishgarden Herbs, which I love their brand and am so excited to try the New Mama kit. It includes: milk duct and production support, afterease for post-labor pains (which I heard is a must), and stress/postpartum hormone support. I also have a stool softener and pain relief medicine. I also have the egg light for middle-of-the-night feeds.

Middle row: is all of my healing things like heat pads for the cramps, diapers/underwear, ice packs, witch hazel, etc. I like to keep these also in my bathroom for easy access. But this is on wheels if I ever want to bring it with me.

Bottom row: all of my pumping/collection parts for feeds/in the middle of the night.

postpartum meals

I compiled a checklist of the things I am prioritizing each week, recipes with links, products I love, hospital bag must-haves, and some recipes I made.

I wanted to make sure I have a mix of high-protein breakfast options, quick grab bites/snacks that support milk supply, warming and nourishing soups, and some hearty dinners. Not sure if it’s the iron kicking in or the nesting mode fully on, but I went hard all weekend getting a ton prepped to stock my freezer.

I also love this doula who has a ton of free recipes for postpartum that I made. Her postpartum freezer & snack prep guide has so many amazing options, and I love following her beautiful account on Instagram, which makes this special time feel so whimsical and nurturing.

Here’s what I’ve done so far:

postpartum support

Knowing I want to breastfeed again but remembering how not intuitive it is, I wanted to line up support beforehand. Which meant finding a local, in-network IBCLC ahead of time and scheduling my first appointment now was crucial for me. I want to ensure from the beginning I am getting proper latching help and making sure my baby isn’t suffering from any tongue-tie issues.

During my second trimester, I started experiencing pelvic pain way quicker this pregnancy than last time. I dedicated 1-2x a week for pelvic floor internal work, which helped manage the pain. I know that this will be something I will want to utilize postpartum to ensure everything is feeling okay while I recover, unlike last time, which took months to be pain-free.

Lining up your village and what you need postpartum, whether it’s forming a meal train or lining up family to support you with specifics and tasks, is so key. While I don’t believe this should fall on you and your partner to guide, unfortunately, not everyone understands you don’t want someone to hold the baby; you want someone to hold you.

I love this idea that a mom started, which allows you to add their brand My True Village directly to your registry. Your friends and family can sign up to bring meals, send a delivery, or a gift card to make sure that you are fed. Because the last thing you want to be doing when you have a newborn is cook or decide what you want to order. And if you’re not interested in prepping a ton of postpartum meals, this will be a lifeline. You could also use postpartum-focused meal plans from brands like Welcome Home or Chiyo, which I used last time and loved as it’s focused on recovery.

Nervous system

No one hands you a checklist for this one. So here’s what it’s actually looked like for me:

Daily baths + hypnobirthing track with my red light to get my body relaxed. I also love a birth shaman meditation, a practice I first came across in Spirit Babies, where you journey inward to connect with your baby's spirit and call in a guide to walk with you through labor. After using it in my first labor, I created my own version that helps you tap into your inner shaman too.

Building capacity before I need it, not during. The first time we did not have any support at night, except for 3 days at Boram Retreat, which was an amazing experience. This time I am using them again, but having them come to my home for the first 2 weeks, with the possibility of extending if needed.

Tending the nervous system that’s going to be on call 24/7. Not in a “self-care checklist” type of way. Newborn life will have me in a phase of hypervigilance and constantly anticipating needs. Whether it’s deciding on what I need to do to feel good, saying yes or no to the visitors, balancing newborn with an active toddler. My job is to keep coming back to actually learning to pause. But also accepting help and not trying to do it all because I’ve been through it before and know how.

Making space in the relationship, not just the house. Preparing now, while we still have the bandwidth to have these discussions: who's on duty for what, what "help" actually means versus what it's looked like by default, and naming it before we're too tired to.

Preparing my firstborn for what’s coming, not just preparing for the baby. Stevie's about to turn 3, right in the thick of the age where secure attachment is still forming and co-regulation is everything. I am trying to protect her rhythms as much as I can, giving her language for the big feelings that are coming, and making sure she has moments where she's still fully, undividedly seen.

Why this is the real prep

With baby one, I thought preparation meant having everything ready. What I’ve learned since is that preparation actually means having capacity when not everything feels ready.

Obviously my sleep and patience will be less, likely my window of tolerance as well, but you can build the kind of nervous system that can meet a hard moment without collapsing into it. That’s what I am focusing on now.

So instead of a perfectly beautiful nursery, this time I’m working on:

• Learning how to safely co-sleep so I can get more sleep while nursing

• Not putting too much on my plate at once. While I don’t have a traditional MAT leave, the pressure to have work lined up is definitely on my mind. I am not deciding until I am living it, to know when it will feel right to get back to work and projects again, based on my support and capacity.

• Building in a daily somatic reset — even 10 minutes of humming, shaking out, or just lying with my feet up so my body gets a chance to come back down and feel in it rather than in constant motion and thinking.

• Letting myself actually grieve the 1-kid version of things instead of skipping straight to gratitude. Stevie's had me undivided for almost 3 years; I know it’s going to be a big change for both of us.

I am a highly sensitive, high-achieving woman who spent most of my life proving my worth through output, and now am about to bring another human into the world while running a business, raising a strong-willed toddler, and trying to stay in my body the whole time.

I’m nesting by learning, in real time, how to stay regulated when I can’t control the outcome. Which also means surrendering to the season I am entering with open arms. I tend to try to plan and control the outcome. This whole pregnancy I have been bracing and preparing for how hard it will be. I think it’s a protective part of me that feels if I am going into it with this view, the hard stuff won’t affect me as much.

I asked how moms of 2+ expand their capacity to hold more, and I loved these comments I got back:

“I never think it’s about holding more. I think it’s about rearranging the pieces of what is important in my life at the time. Every season is different, every month is different, heck, even every second is different sometimes as a mom or a teacher.

It’s forgiving myself when I think I’ve messed up and trying again and trying a different way. It’s about expanding my knowledge for learning because each soul or child comes in with a different set of skills and I look at them as them teaching me and me teaching them.”

“Firstly, realize that sometimes it’s not about expanding your capacity to hold more. It’s about reevaluate what you’re holding and being willing to let certain things go.

Elimination and refinement over simply adding.”

“Mediation, breathwork and learning it’s okay to “take a minute.” They learn by what we do not what we say!”

“Getting clear on what’s most important to ME as a mother to my unique children so that I can feel safe or safer letting go of things that don’t matter. Leaning on my partner more than I would allow myself to in the past (and letting him do things his own way). And saying yes to help whenever friends/family offer it! And also loop ear plugs when things are REAL loud over here.”

“I‘m only“ a Mom of 1 but here are the most important things to support me and my nervous system capacity:

• moving my body in ways that feel both grounding and expansive (mostly strength training and incline walks)

• alone time for writing, for coming into relationship with my body, for being able to listen to what’s present and what I need

• time with friends, where I feel other versions of me being present, not just my role as a Mom (but a woman, a friend, a guide, a spaceholder).”

“For me, transition time. After work and before I pick up the kids. I do something for my nervous system. Maybe it’s some EFT, dance to 1 song or just while I’m driving do some deep breaths.”

“I could write a book full of answers for this one. One that's coming through is to deeply know thy self. Sounds simple but understanding your unique needs, joys and triggers is incredibly important. From that place you get to simplify, refine and build things around that.”

“Mom of 5 here. For me, it was learning to regulate myself instead of trying to control everything around me. Grounding, slowing down, breathing, listening to my body, and creating small moments of stillness throughout the day changed so much. I take time during the evening, grounding meals, drinks, teas and mindful moments. With five children, I’ve realized that expanding my capacity isn’t about becoming able to handle more and more stress, it’s about returning to myself again and again, even in the middle of the noise.”

I exclusively breastfed my first baby for 15 months, and I’m sharing everything that I learned + did to support my supply and keep me going in honor of Breastfeeding Awareness Week. When I say exclusively, I mean in the sense that it was my primary form of feeding, with no formula and very little pumping.

I absolutely loved this journey, which I know is not the case for everyone, but I am hoping to use what I learned with my next baby to succeed again. I want to preface this by stating the first and most crucial fact: breastfeeding is NOT intuitive, and it’s not easy at first. It actually took me weeks to get the hang of it and not be in pain each time.

The hospital also made me way more confused with positions and latching; it wasn’t until I saw a lactation specialist/doula who actually helped me with proper latching that I wasn’t in pain. Eventually I started to get the hang of it, and we were in sync. I believe that everyone deserves this experience if that is what they choose to do.

Now for some things I learned about breastfeeding throughout my journey and products I loved.

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Colostrum

Colostrum, aka liquid gold, is what comes in before your milk production starts. It’s the most nutrient-dense and beneficial milk, offering so many antioxidants. It’s also amazing for freezing and saving for sickness in the future.

It forms around 37/38 weeks, which is why collecting it can be really incredible before baby comes if it’s an option. I did not do this the first time but plan to do it this time so I can offer it to my baby in the hospital if I need some sleep. I have the Haaka collector and the Momcozy, as I heard this one is easier to use. My doula urged me not to do this until 38, even 39 weeks, as it can induce labor.

Something I learned last time from a doula I worked with is that colostrum is enough to meet your baby’s needs. A newborn's stomach holds about a teaspoon on day one, and colostrum is thick, concentrated, and made for exactly that amount.

In the hospital, they will insist on taking your baby to the nursery to offer them formula so you can sleep until your milk comes in. Something I learned and was adamant about is that I did not want to formula feed, especially in the beginning. There is no shame in feeding this way; it was a personal decision I wanted to try. But what my doula did explain is that by offering formula, your milk may take longer to come in because the more your baby cries/feeds, the quicker your baby will realize you’re no longer pregnant and will produce milk. She also warned me about the second night syndrome, which is when your baby realizes they’re no longer in the womb and will likely be up all night cluster feeding. This is actually what signals to your body to produce milk, and even though it was the hardest night by far, knowing it was normal helped me feel better.

I remember her even telling me that my pediatrician will pressure me into using formula until my supply comes in, as the baby will naturally lose weight after leaving the hospital. I kindly told her I know my baby is getting what she needs and is okay. I am so glad I trusted myself and was able to advocate for what I wanted, and within a day my milk came in big time.

Collectors/pumping

Once my milk supply came in, I immediately started using a collector on the opposite breast to collect whatever would have just leaked out. I would get about 2 ounces from each session, which was all she was drinking at first. I used the Haaka Lady Bug, but this time I’m trying out the Boon Trove, as it has a plug to hold the milk in for better storage and less leaking.

I spent the first 3 nights after the hospital at Boram, which is a postpartum retreat center in the city. It was so amazing to be taken care of and receive incredible guidance from lactation consultants and doulas. They work around the clock to provide support with anything from sitz baths and foot baths to teaching you latching and pumping tips. Something my doula told me going into this experience was to hold off on pumping too early, as I did not want to create an oversupply issue. Breastmilk works on supply and demand, so if it’s producing more than your baby needs, it will think your baby needs more and will create more.

A Haaka or wearable collector on the non-nursing side is passive; it catches letdown rather than actively emptying the breast the way a baby or a pump does. That milk tends to be thinner and lower-fat, closer to foremilk, since fat content rises as a breast empties and passive collection doesn't really empty it.

It’s good for building a low-effort freezer stash over weeks without adding pump sessions, relief for engorgement/oversupply in the early weeks, and topping off a stash for occasional bottles. But not ideal for your primary supply-building strategy if you’re exclusively pumping or need to boost supply, or as the main source for a preemie/NICU stash where fat content matters more (hospitals often want actively pumped or nursed milk for that reason).

*One note: don’t use it on both sides while your supply is still establishing (first few weeks) unless you actually need the relief. A passive collection can signal your body to produce more milk than baby needs, leading to oversupply, clogged ducts, or forceful letdown issues down the line. Once supply is steady, it’s pretty low-risk to use daily.

Boram taught me how to hand express or pump just enough to relieve engorgement without doing a full session. A full pump signals your body to make more; a quick release doesn't. Once I did start pumping regularly, I kept it simple: one release before bed, and only otherwise if I missed a feed so my husband could take a bottle. I did create a small oversupply early on. The fix wasn't stopping altogether; it was shortening the duration I pumped each time until supply leveled out.

Schedules

In the beginning, I tracked every feed, and it was helpful to know when I fed her last and how long she fed for. But eventually, it became so consuming and almost stressful. Once we got the hang of it, I knew to feed her every 2–3 hours unless she was cluster feeding, and I could tell how long she needed. Instead of an app reminding me when to feed my baby, I started following her cues, and I learned to trust both of us.
I remember holding back from feeding her because I was confused by hunger vs. sleep cues; once I learned to tell them apart, I let go of the belief that I needed a chart to know my own baby.

Cluster feeding is also normal! Every baby's different, but cluster feeding tends to happen around: day 7–10, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months. Knowing it was coming helped me not panic that my supply had suddenly disappeared. Some days she just needed more, and that was ok; I didn’t need to make it mean something.

Foremilk vs. Hindmilk

During your feed, you have one continuous milk that gets fattier the emptier the breast gets.

Foremilk comes first and is thinner and more thirst-quenching. As the breast empties, fat content rises (up to ~4x higher) into what’s called hindmilk, which is thicker and more calorie-dense.

If baby switches sides too fast, they can end up getting more foremilk, which sometimes shows up as more frequent hunger or gassiness (extra lactose relative to fat). That’s why lactation consultants say to let baby fully finish one side before offering the other.

Daytime vs nighttime milk

Another thing that I feel like isn’t talked about enough is the difference beteween day time and nighttime milk. I’ve seen so many videos of people doing the pitcher method, which essentially is a way to combine your milk throughout the day and serve it more easily. Nighttime milk has higher melatonin than daytime milk meaningfully; some studies show up to 5x, which may help cue the baby's body that it's night.
Daytime milk, on the other hand, is higher in compounds linked to alertness.
Personally, I don't do the "jug method" for this reason, as I'd rather keep night and day milk separate.

Another thing to keep in mind is that if someone is helping with the nighttime feed so you can rest, try to use milk pumped from nighttime to help them sleep better versus getting more alert at 2 AM.

But morning feeds are also liquid gold. I found the supply is often highest in the morning, so I’d feed on one side and pump or use a hands-free pump on the other. This helped me to build a freezer stash when I felt like my supply was dipping or if I knew I’d be out that day and needed milk for her.

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Pumping/bottles

At home, I used a hospital-grade pump, Spectra Gold, which I liked because it did not need to be plugged into the wall while using and had great pressure.

I plan to use it again, but this time, I found a cleaner way to use it with these glass bottles for storing milk. I also plan to use a hand pump more this time, which I am doing with the Medela, which works with these glass bottles as well.

I also loved using the Elvie, which is great for being hands-free to get things done or while on the go. However, it is not as strong a suction and didn’t give me a ton of milk unless I used it when I was missing a feed. This time I am planning on also trying the Eufy wearable, as it is softer, made from silicone versus hard plastic, and it has a heating functionality.

I really did not pump too much unless I needed a release, wanted to increase my supply later on, or missed a pump while I was out. Pumping personally was more draining to me than breastfeeding, and I hated dealing with the parts.

🧊 Middle-of-the-night tip: rinse your parts, seal in a bag, and refrigerate between sessions instead of washing every time.

For bottles, Evenflo Wide Neck glass bottles were our favorite—specifically, the wide-neck bottles, which are designed to feel closer to a natural latch. The Evenflo Balance+ Wide Neck (glass) bottles come with a Slow Flow nipple designed for newborns, meant to prevent chugging and pace feeds closer to breastfeeding speed. They also sell Medium and Fast Flow replacement nipples for the same wide-neck bottles that baby grows use, so you can size up later rather than switch whole bottle systems. We didn't rush into a bottle, but a few weeks in, my husband started one nighttime feed so I could sleep, and having that option was huge. If you have these bottles, this adapter connects them straight to your pump.

Freezer Supply

In the beginning, my goal was to build as much of a supply as possible, as our original plan was to send her to daycare. Let’s just say at 4 months everything changed, and I realized this wasn’t what I wanted to do given how young she was and my flexible schedule. I knew I still wanted to get back to working and get some support, as I have no family nearby and my husband is in an office all day. So we pivoted to a nanny, which was an amazing resource and solution for me. I still got to be full-time with my daughter, nurse her, and take her to all the classes, while also having some time for myself throughout the week to work with clients.

Because we lived in a small apartment and had limited freezer space, even with a mini freezer, we were running out of room. I only used my supply when needed and wanted to keep building it rather than use it right away. I also was still nursing her and arranging my schedule to be home as much as possible, even when I had the help. What I learned is that while milk lasts for up to 12 months in the freezer, it decreases in nutrients by 6 months. So while I had this incredible supply, it was slowly losing its benefits. My solution to this was freeze-drying my supply to increase its life by years and also allow it to be shelf-stable. This was great for traveling as well, as I got the single-serve packets so I could bring it on-the-go or use it when she was sick down the line and I was done nursing.

I ended up having about 80L of milk to freeze-dry, and it has lasted 3 years, which I will also use for this next baby. They even offer donor milk, which is incredible for moms who cannot breastfeed but still want to offer the benefits of breastmilk. It’s also great for people with oversupply who are done nursing and want their milk to not be wasted. They are able to preserve the nutrients while also improving the effects of high lipase in your breast milk, which helps taste/smell. Lipase is a fat-digesting enzyme naturally present in all breast milk that happens once milk sits (fridge or freezer). Some moms have naturally higher lipase activity, which is what causes that soapy, sour, or metallic smell/taste some stored milk develops. Freezing can actually speed it up.

Get your milk freeze-dried + use my code LECHE-ALYSSAB to save. You can become a donor here.

Nourishment / Supply

We know that nourishing another human is truly god’s work and requires so much of our time and energy. There’s a stat that one year of breastfeeding adds up to roughly 1,800 hours of a mother's time, close to a full-time job, since a standard 40-hour work week with three weeks of vacation totals about 1,960 hours a year.

For me, I did things as much as I could to support my supply, such as hydration, rest, and milk-boosting supplements, teas, and meals. I love this Lactation Latte powder from Bodily that I can just put into tea or even into lactation cookies. I loved Nunona Mama Bites for nourishment to help me stay fueled when I needed protein and a boost. I will be using Mamala as a nourishment mom snack, which is amazing for on-the-go and for being one-handed.

I also want to note that regardless of everything you do to up your production, everyone has a different supply. I think because of social media, it can be such a comparison game seeing what other moms are producing, and it makes you feel as if something is wrong with you.

Small pump amounts are NORMAL. This is one of my favorite posts to date because it’s so true and there’s no need for moms to feel more pressured into getting another thing right.

Weaning

When it finally was time to wean my daughter from nursing, it was a hard journey to end. I felt ready physically but not emotionally. If it wasn’t for chronic health issues, I probably would have continued; however, my health suffered, and I knew I wanted to regulate my hormones for at least a year before TTC again for baby 2. I still did not have a cycle, and that lack of bleed was affecting my histamine issues in more ways than I realized until I finally got it back a month after weaning.

When it was time to wean, I knew I wanted to do it gently and intentionally. I didn’t want to just cold turkey. Which is why I did the Weaning Gently course by one of my favorite mother advocates, Louise Herbet. She has incredible credentials in the pediatric sleep and maternal health space, and I had taken a few of her sleep support courses. I took it at my own pace, but the whole process took about a month and was pretty seamless by the end. We essentially worked on dropping a feed per week, ending with the bedtime one last. You can listen to my week-by-week breakdown here.

My experience was such a beautiful journey and not only beneficial for my baby and her health, but also the bond and regulation we both received. It allowed me to slow down and be more present and love my body in a new way by nourishing it while nourishing another human.

I hope to be able to nourish my next baby the same way, but there are also things I plan to do differently. Such as not focusing on tracking feeds and instead listening to my intuition and her cues, learning how to safely co-sleep so I can nurse as needed, especially during night feeds, and being less focused on my supply and the pressure to have enough.

I know that everyone’s breastfeeding and feeding journey looks different. Some have no desire to nurse, while others struggle due to latch issues or health issues. Whatever you choose and how you choose to feed is up to you and should not be judged. But I hope that by reading this, if you are deciding on how to feed or are a new mom looking for some support, that this brings you comfort and clarity on your journey.

Not only is it a Cazimi, but it’s also a full moon in Aquarius - the last one before eclipse season begins, as well as the beginning of the Lion’s Gate Portal, which is a powerful time from July 29th - August 12th and peaks on 8.8. So a lot is going on in the planets that are creating a massive shift, more expansion, and more abundance.

The lion’s gate portal is a powerful time to tap into your higher vision and higher self. It’s said to help amplify manifestations at a rapid rate, making it an important time to be connected to what you want to call in.

I don’t talk here about astrology as truthfully as a mom; I have been less focused on the Moon cycles. However, as a reflector, it’s actually part of my design to be connected. And we all are, even if we aren’t aware of the sign the moon is in or what it means; it affects us all. Following the moon cycle used to be a huge part of my spiritual life before stepping into motherhood, but somewhere along the way I stopped paying attention and started just living more.

As a mother, I believe we are more tapped into our intuition and power. I firmly believe motherhood is the biggest energetic upgrade that forces us to release what we no longer need in order to be who we were always meant to be. I also believe children and motherhood bring so much abundance and expansion. But they also constantly ask us to stretch and stay connected to our own energy to meet it.

Since this is such big energy, I wanted to talk about it because, similar to the year of the horse, I believe it requires our nervous system to expand and feel safe, especially as mothers, who are the frequency holders of their home.

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To receive, you need to expand your capacity

Mercury Retrograde in Cancer entered the shadow period, which is internal/protective energy - it asks you to slow down, feel everything, and pause. It can reveal what hasn’t been working and where you need to let go or close out something outdated. Then, it lifts into a Jupiter Cazimi (maximum luck and expansion), a full moon in Aquarius (release and detachment from what you’ve outgrown), and the opening of the Lion’s Gate Portal, which is Leo-ruled, heart-centered, high-visibility energy. It’s a fast shift from contraction to expansion, and your nervous system feels it whether you’re tracking the astrology or not.

Nervous-system-wise, weeks of contraction can feel like a freeze state: staying small, staying vigilant, holding it together, conserving because things feel like a lot. Sudden expansive and activating energy on top of that doesn’t automatically feel good - it can just as easily flip you into fight-or-flight. Without capacity, that shift shows up as urgency, snapping, a wired and scattered feeling. So a day that’s supposed to be lucky just feels like too much. With capacity, that same shift shows up as momentum, clarity, and things actually landing the way they’re meant to. The energy isn’t the problem - it’s whether your system has room to receive it instead of just reacting to it.

This is why expanding your capacity matters more today/ in the coming days than most days: you can’t invite more abundance into an unsafe body. Jupiter and the Lion’s Gate are offering expansion, but expansion needs somewhere to land.

A nervous system that’s still braced might feel tensions instead of receptivity. As the frequency holder of your home, you’re setting how much of this luck the whole house gets to feel too.

Full Moon Aquarius

The full moon in Aquarius isn’t just any full moon; it’s a cycle that relates to the previous Aquarius eclipse 6 months ago in February. This is also when the Year of the Horse began. This was a sneak peek into what this upcoming Leo/Aquarius eclipse season is all about. Eclipses are all about destiny and karma, as they’re related to the north and south nodes. As an Aquarius moon and Leo rising, this is affecting me personally A LOT.

We’re currently smack in the middle of the year, where we look back on the past 6 months and look ahead for the rest of 2026. It’s peak reflection, refinement, and realignment time, which is going to happen whether you like it or not, thanks to the eclipse. I love this time of year because it allows us to look back on what we were claiming in January and how far we have come.

While I believe we do create our own luck, I love working with the energy of what is going on to amplify desires and be connected to what feels aligned with where you are headed. But with the full moon, there’s a heaviness and a release. To welcome in, we have to let go. And to create new energy, we need to feel safe enough to hold it, which requires expanding our capacity in our nervous system to do so. We have to be radically honest about what we are no longer willing to settle for or absorb.

It requires us to stop numbing, overriding ourselves, and self-abandoning. Something that has changed my life is JournalSpeak, which has allowed me to release where I store anger, resentment, shame, and energy that isn’t mine. Another thing that has helped is honoring my open centers in my human design to see where I am absorbing energy that isn’t mine, which as a reflector is a lot.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Where has my energy been going?

• Where have I been inauthentic in my community?

• Where can I be more aligned with where I spend my time/energy?

One of my favorite astrologers, Aliza Kelly, always says that eclipse season is not for manifesting; it’s for simply being and allowing the universe to take care of you. I tend not to do much energy work during this time period, and I allow myself to really surrender to any change that may occur.

I believe this year and the focus of these eclipses are to bring us back into alignment with our truth and being seen as our fullest, authentic selves.

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Here’s how to work with the full moon before eclipse season:

1. Regulate before you receive.

You can’t take in expansion through a braced system. Before you start the day (or anytime it feels like too much):

• feet flat on the floor

• one slow exhale, longer than the inhale

• unclench your jaw and drop your shoulders

2. Let the release actually move through the body.

The full moon is asking you to release the last six months. Thinking about what to let go of isn’t enough - it has to move through you, or it just sits as tension.

• journal it out, then move your body right after

• cry if it comes

• shake out your hands and arms for 30 seconds

3. Widen your window before the Lion’s Gate peaks on 8/8.

• protect five unstructured minutes before the house wakes up

• hum or sing when you exhale

• say no to one thing this week you’d normally say yes to out of guilt

4. Contain instead of leak.

Big energy doesn’t need to come out as either silence or an explosion. Containment is what lets you actually hold the expansion instead of spilling it everywhere.

• speak the truth without dumping it

• name what you’re feeling out loud instead of white-knuckling through it

• ask for five minutes of physical space

5. Let pleasure and rest be part of receiving.

Jupiter and Leo energy is magnetic, not hustling. You don’t earn this luck by doing more.

• rest before you’re exhausted, not after

• find something warm, comforting, or beautiful

• let rhythm replace rigidity for the next two weeks

None of this is about being calm all the time. It’s about having enough room in the system that when a Cazimi, a full moon, or a Lion’s Gate hits, you can actually receive what it’s offering instead of it just registering as one more thing to survive.

If you want to find out how your nervous system shows up in motherhood based on your human design, get your free Mother Frequency Code.

Lately, I've been seeing so much more content about the nervous system online. And it's honestly overwhelming my own system, as someone who is informed about this work and has been practicing it for years.

It feels like we are all starting to use regulation as another trend and way to biohack our way out of burnout and stress. And I get it; we all desire to be in a ventral vagal state, aka feel safe, connected, and regulated. But chasing that state constantly isn't really the goal.

I’ve even written about how important our nervous system is when it comes to our children, as they mirror back to us our states. Because I do think it’s so important to be more regulated for our children. But this is not to instill more fear or pressure! Motherhood is hard enough as it is.

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In polyvagal terms, our nervous system moves through all three states: ventral vagal (safe/social), sympathetic (mobilized: fight/flight), and dorsal vagal (shut down/withdrawn). None of these states is inherently bad.

Sympathetic activation helps us get out of bed, motivates us during workouts, and helps us meet deadlines, while the dorsal vagal helps us rest. The problem isn't moving through these states, as that's normal and healthy. The problem is getting stuck in them, or in this case, creating so much pressure to stay in ventral vagal that we tip ourselves into chronic sympathetic activation, the very state we're trying to avoid. We're essentially "trying harder" to be calm, and that effort becomes its own source of stress, quietly building pressure to be perfect and fully healed.

Where we may become more hypervigilant

By becoming so hyperaware of our states and every little trigger, trying to prevent them from happening or avoid them altogether, we may just be becoming overly hypervigilant and creating more dysregulation.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t understand our states and our triggers and completely live in survival. However, I do wonder what the impacts are, especially on mothers who are trying so hard to be conscious and not “mess up” their child through their breaking generational trauma work. Because the more we scan our system for threats to prevent dysregulation, the more we actually are bracing and creating fear in our system.

The nervous system's number one job is to keep us safe. If it feels like we are overanalyzing, it will resort to its coping mechanism to feel safe. Instead of being overly acute to each trigger, we need to build our capacity to feel safe to begin with. This is sometimes called “expanding your window of tolerance”, aka the range within which your nervous system can experience stress, discomfort, or activation without tipping into survival mode.

The goal isn’t to eliminate triggers or engineer a life so smooth that nothing activates you. The goal is to become someone who can be activated and return, someone whose system trusts that it can move through discomfort and return to safety.

Building capacity

That capacity is built slowly, in small moments. It’s co-regulation with a safe person, such as a friend, a therapist, a partner, where your nervous system literally learns safety through proximity to another regulated system.

It’s noticing you got through something hard and your body survived it. It’s gentle, repeated exposure to mild discomfort without immediately reaching for a tool to fix it. Over time, these experiences become the evidence your nervous system needs to stop scanning so hard. When the body has enough stored proof of safety, it doesn’t need to work so hard to find the threat.

This is very different from monitoring your states and intervening at every setback. That approach keeps the nervous system in a low-grade state of alert: always watching and managing. Capacity building is about creating the conditions where the system doesn’t need to be managed as much in the first place.

I have seen it in my own journey, as my goal has been to be a regulated and attuned mother. When I do get dysregulated and triggered by my toddler, I have tools to come back, but I have also become more mindful of when I am tipping into being hypervigilant. Because there is so much information now about how a mother's nervous system directly influences her child's developing nervous system, and that is true, and it matters. But it has also created a new version of maternal anxiety and pressure.

When regulation becomes a performance or something you’re trying to achieve, so your child doesn’t absorb your stress, it stops being regulation and starts being suppression with extra steps. Your child’s nervous system is not reading whether you’re in ventral vagal. It’s reading whether you’re present and real. A mother who is constantly monitoring herself, bracing against her own reactions, and white-knuckling her way through a hard moment is sending just as much of a signal as one who loses her temper and repairs.

The repair is actually the point. Rupture and repair are the cycle of getting it wrong and coming back. It is one of the most powerful ways children learn that relationships are safe, that distress is survivable, and that people can be trusted to return. A “good enough” mother, as Winnicott described it even before the language of polyvagal theory existed, is not a regulated mother. She is an attuned one, someone who misses, notices, and reconnects. That rhythm is itself a form of co-regulation, and it teaches resilience in a way that a perfectly managed nervous system never could.

Good Enough Mothering

I talk a lot about the good enough mothering approach as someone who has a wound around enoughness that has carried through her whole life. Perfect mothering isn’t going to create perfect children who never have trauma or issues. Trying to fit an image will create more damage than authenticity ever could. Our children don’t need us to be perfect, and they don’t even need us to be present 100% of the time. They need 30-40% attunement to create a secure attachment, particularly in early childhood, according to Ed Tronick's research on mother-infant interaction.

For me, motherhood brought out all of my wounds. It exposed where I thought I was healed and was still performing, mirroring back my own states, and where I still didn't feel fully safe, and it still does every day as my daughter grows and stretches me. I am constantly working on my window of tolerance to expand my capacity.

So if you are a mother doing this work, the invitation is not to try harder to be more regulated for your children. It’s to be honest, to repair when you rupture, and to trust that your humanness is not harming them. In many ways, it is exactly what they need to see.

A practice for you to try

If you want to sit with where you fall on this spectrum, some questions worth journaling on:

Where am I currently on the spectrum between avoiding all triggers and white knuckling through them, versus building real capacity?

What’s one moment this week where I braced against a feeling instead of letting it move through me?

Where did I learn that my job was to manage my reactions instead of survive and return from them?

What would it look like to let one moment of rupture with my child just be a rupture, and trust the repair to do its job?

You don’t become a better mom by trying harder. You become a more aligned one by returning to yourself, over and over, faster each time. Click here to get your free Mother Frequency Code to see how your human design is affecting your nervous system.

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If you’re a multi-faceted human who can’t figure out your niche, this is for you.

I always felt like I had to fit in to be liked, but over time that need has felt outdated and I started to actually care about liking myself. This shift happened more in motherhood, where I decided to stop watering myself down and instead owned the various versions of myself. It showed up in my content, and for the first time, I felt authentic to myself without trying to “hack the algorithm” or fit in to what I thought people wanted to hear.

What I’ve learned is that having a niche is utter bullshit, and even if you do and it works for you, it may change. I think part of me was always afraid to pick one thing because I was afraid it would keep me stuck and leave no room for other topics.

Instead of niching down, I’m all about owning the era of life I am in, and I’m going to break down what type of topics you can expect from me and how to find what is authentic to you.

Regardless of whether you are a creator on social media or writing on Substack, being authentic is the key to actually being seen.

Stop watering yourself down to fit in

In my whole experience as a creator, I was told to niche down. The wellness space kept telling me to pick one thing. And every time I tried, something in my body said no. Because the truth is, these things aren’t separate.

What has felt most aligned for my brand has always been to share the season of life I am in, or the era. I have always been a lifestyle creator with several sectors underneath it. For the most part, they have stayed the same even nearly a decade later.

I remember when I was in my full-on health/wellness phase - I shared everything I was eating and my journey to healing my chronic conditions; it was my whole personality. Then I went through the spiritual phase, where everything I created was intentional, energy-healing, and manifestation-focused. Then, I became a mom, and I did what I swore I would never do: aka become a mom-fluencer and make my whole life about motherhood.

But it was my whole life, and there was no other way I felt aligned to show up than to share the journey of motherhood and how much it changed me. I was sharing the vulnerable truth of stepping into a new role, bringing to light topics such as matrescence, secure attachment, and crunchy motherhood. For the first time, I felt like I was sharing authentically. Not that I hadn’t before, but something shifted for me when I became a mom. It felt like it was part of my mission and calling to share in this way, even if I swore I never would become that kind of mom.

Even having this Substack, I realized I don’t want to be pigeonholed into only talking about the energetics of motherhood, when I have so many other passions.

My human design explained this. I’m a Reflector, aka the rarest type, making up only 1% of the population. Reflectors don’t have a fixed identity or a consistent energy. We are designed to be mirrors and to sample, absorb, and reflect what’s around us. We are literally built to be multifaceted. The pressure to be one thing, to stay consistent, to pick a lane is not just misaligned for me; it’s actually against my design. When I finally understood that, everything clicked. The fluidity wasn’t a flaw; it was how I was meant to live and share. When I learned to lean into the many parts of myself, I started to feel so much more aligned and authentic.

As a Reflector, I feel like it’s my duty to remind you of your power and magic. And remind you that the more authentic you are to what lights you up, the more you will shine.

The thing is, I’m not a one-lane kind of mother or woman. And neither are you.

Being a multi-faceted woman

I learned from working in the social media space about content pillars, and they carried throughout the various eras of my own life. For brands, it was focusing on 4 core topics that supported the mission. This was no different than my own strategy, and instead of “niching down”, I learned to share where I am and lean on 4 topics I could always rotate between.

Something that also allowed me to cultivate these pillars is to understand my authentic code, thanks to the work of To Be Magnetic. It allowed me to see that I am multi-faceted and that as long as I am leaning into what feels aligned in any given season, I can be many things. This has changed every few years, based on my growth and where I am at personally, but has stayed somewhat the same. Your code is your soul’s essence and core values; it is a guide and compass, allowing you to see what is and isn’t in alignment with your authentic self. It’s what allows you to manifest from authenticity versus ego.

My authentic codes are: Spirituality + Wellness - taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual body. Beauty - feeling inspired, creating, appreciating aesthetics and luxury. Freedom - financial freedom to spend on things that bring me joy without stress or fear, freedom to travel and work remotely, and a lifestyle that allows me the freedom to follow my ping and gut desires freely. Home - feeling safe in my curated place to explore, daydream, play, imagine, and connect with loved ones.

I use my authentic code to make sure I am living in alignment, and I filter almost everything through it. It’s what I make sure I focus my content and energy on and how I show up publicly. I am currently taking their Be Seen Challenge, which is all about showing up publicly/personally and being your true self. Join the membership to find out your authentic code. (Use code ALYSSA9966 to save).

So here’s what this space is actually about.

Spirituality — This is where it started for me. Reiki, energy, human design, the unseen things that motherhood cracked me open to. I believe you are not just a body going through the motions of raising children. You are an energetic being having a spiritual experience in a very human and exhausting role. I love any tool that allows you to be self-aware, but not giving it power over trusting your own intuition.

I always have said spirituality is whatever it means to you, and can be in seasons. As someone who used to have an elaborate practice, moon rituals, and tapping into every modality, who now has limited time and could not tell you what sign the moon is in.

Motherhood continues to be my spiritual practice each day I choose to show up and be intentional and present.

Nervous System — You cannot think your way into alignment. You cannot spiritual bypass your way out of survival mode. The body keeps the score, and the body is where the work actually lives. I write about the nervous system because it's the missing piece for almost every mom I've ever worked with, including me.

We are constantly and unconsciously dysregulated, but that doesn’t mean we need to live in survival.

Matrescence — Nobody told me becoming a mother would crack my identity wide open. Matrescence is the transformation of becoming a mother. It's the becoming that never really ends. And I think every mother deserves language for what she's actually going through, yet many women have never even heard this term or are prepared for how much their brain will rewire and change.

I truly believe that motherhood is the biggest energetic upgrade, bringing you back into alignment with who you were meant to be before any programming or conditioning.

Wellness — Not the 5 am wake up before your kids and optimize your whole life kind. The somatic practices, the energy work, the rituals that actually work with your body instead of demanding more from it. My wellness journey looks different than it used to, as someone who used to biohack a lot and take every supplement under the sun. I was constantly trying to “heal” and fix myself.

Now my wellness is less about optimizing and more about actually living.

If any of these topics pique your interest, then welcome. You’re in the right place!

Of course, it’s different; I am busy with an active, very clingy toddler who takes up most of my attention. I’ve spent this past year being full SAHM with her, while pregnant and exhausted. I had very little time to rest, let alone soak in the pregnancy bliss. A part of me feels sad about that, knowing that this may be the last time I get to experience this.

Living in the in-between

What I’ve felt most throughout this pregnancy is somewhere in the in-between. And what I mean by that is with my first, I had no idea what to expect, but I felt ready and excited for the unknown (very unlike my usual Virgo ways). It was magical and mystical and so much I was blissfully unaware of, other than I knew I wanted to be a mom.

With this pregnancy, I know more, and it sometimes terrifies me. They say with your first you never know till you go through it, and I really surprised myself with how strong I was. This time, I constantly am wondering, how am I going to build my capacity to hold more?

In Internal Family Systems, I do parts work to understand what is protecting me, or what felt too much for my inner child to face in the past. All the usual parts are coming up with this pregnancy, and I feel myself constantly bracing for the change and being hypervigilant:

the perfectionist — if I get it all perfect, it will be okay.

the controller — if I just control it all, I will feel safe.

the urgency — it needs to be done now, or it will crumble. if it doesn’t get done, I won’t feel okay or prepared.

All the protective parts that are stopping me from being in this present moment. Of taking in my daughter before she becomes my “oldest.” Myself before I become stretched and expanded yet again. My heart before it doubles as everyone tells me it will.

The truth is, I don’t know how I’ll feel, who I’ll become after this. It’s not something I can predict or control. It’s something I have to live, and be present enough to. Something I can’t anticipate but have to be aware of in every single moment when my protective part is trying to hide so I can feel safe.

I feel numb yet present. Terrified but excited. Grief yet joy.

Somewhere in the in-between of two worlds — of where I’m headed, and wanting to stay where I am. Scared of change, and of welcoming it with open arms. It’s a weird place to be. But it’s also asking me to slow down and notice it, before I rush through it. To hold it and express it without trying to change it.

To be an observer, not an absorber.

And knowing from research and experts that matrescence occurs yet again in each pregnancy has me already aware of how much I am going to shift yet again. Just as I am learning this version of myself two years postpartum, it's about to change, and I'll meet yet another version that I didn't know existed. There is beauty and fear in that realization. But something I believe about motherhood is that it’s the biggest energetic upgrade there is.

Research shows the nervous system state I hold while pregnant doesn't just stay in my body; my baby is forming her own nervous system in response to mine, learning what safety and stress feel like starting in the womb. Which is exactly why this work isn't just for me; it's for both of us.

conviction vs. surrender

a practice for the moment you can’t tell if you’re meant to push or release

This is something I've been practicing in therapy and inside Aligned Not Perfect — a way of finding safety in the body instead of around it.

These two words sound like opposites, but they’re not pointing at two different outcomes. Surrender isn’t the soft alternative to conviction; it’s how you get there. You surrender the fear part by giving it voice. You surrender the charge by moving it through your body. What’s left standing after that is conviction, and you’ll know it’s real because it’s quiet, not because it’s loud.

1. Surrender the fear part — give it voice

Don’t talk about it. Talk as it.

“I’m scared that if i don’t ___, then ___.”
“I’m afraid this means ___.”
“If i don’t push right now, I think ___ will happen.”

Let it be dramatic if it’s dramatic. It’s not asking to be fixed. It’s asking to be heard. It will not quiet down until it is.

2. Surrender the charge — move it through the body

The charge that just came up is physical, not just mental. It doesn’t leave because you understood it — it leaves because you move it.

• shake your hands out

• walk a lap around the room

• press your feet hard into the floor

• hum/exhale loud

• rage on a page & tear it up

you’re not calming down. you’re discharging.

3. Arrive at conviction, not gripping

Now — you get to ask the real question.

Say it like a statement, not a hope: this is already done.

Then go quiet and feel for the answer. Is that true right now, or does it feel forced? Attune, don’t decide.

If it feels open, easy, available — follow it. If it feels closed, muddy, like you’re pushing a door that isn’t opening — stop pushing. Ask instead: if this isn’t it, show me where to put my energy.

When you skip the steps

If you go straight to conviction without voicing the part or moving the body, you’re not living in true alignment or surrender; you’re just suppressing and bypassing.

Using human design

Here’s where Human Design actually explains the parts work. Your open centers are where you’re not naturally defined. Which means they’re where you’re most likely to absorb other people’s fear, urgency, and pressure as if it were your own, and mistake it for a “part” that needs managing. Your defined centers are where your own signal is steady and reliable; that’s the part of you that doesn’t need convincing; it just knows. You can learn more about what it means when you have open centers.

Your type shows how your energy moves through a day. Your strategy is how you use your energy in alignment. Your profile is the lens you're here to learn through. Your authority is what helps you tell your own knowing apart from what you've absorbed from everyone else, which is the whole game of conviction vs. surrender.

Mine is a 6/3 reflector, which means every single one of my centers is open. I don’t have a fixed, defined way of feeling anything. I take in everything around me, which is exactly why the perfectionist, the controller, the urgency all show up so loud. My authority is lunar, so I don’t get quick conviction. I get it slowly, over a full cycle, by feeling what’s actually mine once everyone else’s noise has had time to pass through me.

This is the exact map and I built the Mother Frequency Code around — your chart, your nervous system, and how to tell your own knowing from what you’ve absorbed. Find yours, and you'll know exactly what conviction feels like in your own body.

If you want to take this nervous system and energy work even deeper, book a free clarity call to see if Aligned, Not Perfect is right for you. We begin round 2 on July 19th!

I have talked a lot on here about how human design changed everything for me. From finding out I am a Reflector to how I use it in motherhood, it’s the most underrated tool. Erin and I have partnered to bring our expertise, energy, and experiences to create a conscious container of moms in our Aligned, Not Perfect group course.

We’re only halfway through, and the results have been incredible so far. The topic that has moved the needle the most recently is understanding our open centers and how it relates to motherhood and caretakers. Erin shares how these centers affect how we absorb and take on what was never ours and how to actually discern and become more aligned in life and motherhood.

Why open centers are the most underrated part of the Human Design system

What gets talked about most in the Human Design space is your type. Manifesting Generator, Generator, Projector, because that’s the headline, the thing people ask about at dinner, the thing that makes for an easy Instagram caption.

And type is important. But the part that really changed how I move through motherhood and my relationships is understanding open centers.

The defined or fixed pieces of your chart get all the attention; it’s the parts of you that are consistent, dependable, yours. Open centers don’t get that kind of attention, because they’re not a trait you can point to and say, this is who I am. They’re the places where you take in energy from everyone around you, amplify it, and quietly start living as though it’s yours.

Alyssa is a Reflector, which means every single one of her centers is open. No fixed centers at all. If you want to understand what total openness actually looks like, a Reflector is the clearest possible picture of it: someone whose entire system is built to take in and reflect the energy of whatever room, relationship, or environment they’re in. It’s the most extreme version of something the rest of us experience in smaller, more specific ways, through the one or two centers that happen to be open in our own chart.

My open centers are the Head, Heart, Solar Plexus, and Root. And what nobody warns you about open centers is that if you don’t know they’re open, you spend years mistaking the absorption for your own personality. Once I understood mine, it explained more about my patterns in motherhood (and life) than anything else in my chart.

Open centers: the missing piece that changed everything

My heart center is open. Which means I’m not designed to have a fixed sense of willpower or a built-in drive to prove my worth through what I do, what I produce, what I promise to deliver.

When you have an open heart center, you come into this world with nothing to prove. But what ends up happening is you pick up on what drives other people and take it on as your own. You look outside yourself to see what other people are doing, buying, achieving, and try to prove your own worth by doing the same.

Where this became most visible for me was in motherhood. Because it’s the one area of life where you can’t prove your worth through control or achievement. I tried to be the perfect mom based on what I was seeing other moms do and what I knew a good mom was supposed to be. I cared more about what it looked like on the outside than what it felt like on the inside.

I said yes to things that felt like no’s. I made promises to my kids, to my partner, to myself from a place of should, not from a place of true desire. And when I couldn’t follow through, the shame that landed wasn’t proportional. It felt like evidence that something was wrong with me.

I burned out trying to prove something nobody had actually asked me to prove. That didn’t shift until I understood this center and learned to ask: am I doing this because a “good mom” would, or is it actually aligned with how I want to parent?

My emotional center is open, too, and understanding that has changed how I see almost every relationship in my life; my marriage, most of all.

Why you may be more sensitive

An open emotional center doesn’t generate a consistent emotional wave of its own. It takes in the emotional tone of every room it’s in and amplifies it. Which means for years, I thought I was just an emotionally reactive person. I thought the tension I felt the second I walked into a room was mine. I thought the heaviness after a hard conversation with my partner was something I needed to manage, fix, smooth over — because surely if I just stayed calmer, more regulated, more on top of it, the household would feel calmer too.

What I didn’t know is that I was absorbing the emotional energy of everyone in my house and then doing the work of processing it as though it had originated in me. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder conflict felt unbearable. No wonder I avoided it at almost any cost, even when avoiding it cost me more than the conflict itself would have.

Now that I understand why this pattern started, I’m able to notice when I’m starting to take on the emotions of my kids or my husband and ask: is this mine to carry? If not, I do my best to let them move through their emotions without trying to fix them.

How each open center shows up in motherhood

Every open center carries its own version of this same pattern — absorbing something that was never yours to carry. Here’s what it can look like in motherhood, center by center.

Open Head: The pressure to have it figured out before you let yourself rest.

Lying awake, running through tomorrow’s logistics, the school form, the decision you haven’t made yet — because an open Head takes in everyone else’s questions and tries to answer all of them at once.

Open Ajna: The pressure to already know what you think.

Doubting a parenting choice the second someone else’s opinion enters the room, because an open Ajna doesn’t hold a fixed way of processing — it absorbs the certainty of whoever is talking and mistakes it for its own.

Open Throat: The pressure to say it the right way before anyone will hear it.

You edit before you speak. You soften the ask. You’ve learned that how you say something matters more than what you’re actually trying to say — and sometimes you decide it isn’t worth the effort.

Open Identity (aka G Center). The pressure to know exactly who you are and where your life is headed.

In motherhood, this can feel intense because your identity is already in motion, and an open Identity changes based on whoever and whatever it’s around. It can look like being unable to answer a simple question such as “what do you want?” without first scanning the room to see what everyone else needs. Like feeling like yourself only when you’re with certain people, in certain places, and quietly losing the thread of who you are when those things change.

Open Heart (aka Ego or Will): Measuring your worth as a mother by your output.

The school snacks made from scratch. The schedule you held together without help. The promise to yourself that you’d be more patient today, made at 7 am and broken by 8:15, followed by the quiet collapse into I can’t even keep a promise to myself. It isn’t a willpower problem. It’s a woman trying to prove something she was never built to prove.

Open Emotional (aka Solar Plexus): Doing anything to keep the peace because the discomfort in the room doesn’t just register for you; it lands in you.

Your child’s meltdown, your partner’s silence after a hard day, the low hum of tension that nobody’s named yet. You absorb all of it and then work twice as hard to make it stop, because you’ve learned that when the people around you are dysregulated, so are you.

Open Spleen: The pressure to chase certainty instead of trusting instinct.

The constant low hum of worry about your child’s safety or health, the inability to know something is fine without checking, re-checking, and Googling it at 11 pm.

Open Sacral: The pressure to keep going on energy you don’t actually have.

Pushing through exhaustion because everyone around you seems to have endless capacity, and you’ve learned to mistake your own depletion for not trying hard enough.

Open Root: The pressure of everyone else’s urgency landing in your body as your own. Feeling rushed and behind even when nothing is actually time-sensitive, because an open Root absorbs the stress in the room and runs with it as if the deadline were yours.

An open center is not a flaw

It is not the part of your design that’s missing something. It’s the part of you built for wisdom through experience, rather than fixed inner certainty.

But that only works if you know which centers are open. If you don’t, you spend years living as though that openness is a personality trait or victim mentality: I just hate conflict, I’m responsible for everything, I’m just an empath, instead of recognizing it as a place where you’ve been absorbing other people’s patterns and calling them your own.

This is the piece I find most people skip when they first learn Human Design. They want to know their type, their headline traits, the parts that feel good to claim. The open centers don’t get the same curiosity, because they don’t feel like strengths at first glance.

They are, though. Once you know where you’re open, you stop mistaking absorption for identity. You stop trying to fix something that was never broken, and you start recognizing the pattern fast enough to set it down before it runs the whole day.

That’s the work. Not becoming someone fixed and certain in every center. Just knowing which ones are yours to trust, and which ones are asking you to filter rather than absorb.

This is exactly the kind of work we go into inside Aligned, Not Perfect — using your actual design, not generic advice, to understand where the pressure in your motherhood is actually coming from. Layered with working with your nervous system to feel safe enough to embody your design.

Round 2 starts July 19th. If you want in, the doors are officially open at our early bird pricing, which ends July 10th. Join now and claim this price!

You can also snag our free Mother Frequency Code, a guided workbook to help you understand your nervous system in motherhood.

I’m sure you’ve seen by now the trend glamorizing the ’90s summer and wanting to go back to living in that era. As a 90’s kid myself, that time, from what I can remember, was pure nostalgia and bliss. We had no worries, no smartphones or social media, and we were present enough to enjoy the moments.

For me, I always had a working mom and was in camp full-time for as long as I can remember. Those moments were everything to me. I remember the feeling of seeing my friends, riding horses, sharing inside jokes, and eating endless ice pops. We were present because presence was simply what was available to us.

And I think that’s exactly what we’re craving.

Not the era itself or even the aesthetic, but the feeling of being actually here, without comparison running underneath everything. The problem is, as most trends do, this one has become another opportunity to perform. Our mothers weren't watching curated highlight reels of other mothers doing it better. They weren't feeling guilty for sending us to camp, or for needing support, or for being a human alongside being a mother. They weren't balancing it all alone or pretending to. They were just living.

I love this take talking about the reality of what it really means.

This generation of moms is doing the most… and I mean that literally, not as a compliment. We're either staying home fully present, minimal screentime, homemade meals, optimizing every moment, or we're feeling guilty for wanting more support, for needing space, for being more than a mother. The pressure doesn't come from one direction.

What is the butter mom?

Butter mom energy is messy kitchens and bored afternoons. It's not a curated slow life, it's just life. Our moms weren't forcing being present or perfect. They weren't optimizing their mornings or documenting their routines. They were just there, imperfectly, consistently, without an audience. They were repeating outfits, dressing in a way that felt aligned with their actual lives, effortlessly themselves. And I think that’s exactly what our nervous systems are starving for. A place where it feels safe to be messier, mother from our own beliefs, versus what we think we should be doing.

From a nervous system standpoint, this is exactly what chronic dysregulation looks like. It’s a constant low-grade noise of comparison, expectation, and the sense that you're always slightly behind. Our bodies were not designed to live in that noise. But somewhere underneath the butter mom aesthetic, I think what we're actually responding to is the memory of what it felt like to not be in it. There was less overstimulation, less access to the world and people around us, and less noise telling us who we should be.

Of course, it wasn't without its own issues. Diet culture was rampant, beauty standards were brutal, we watched too much TV, and some of us had a little too much freedom and not enough supervision. We're not trying to go all the way back. We're just trying to take what worked.

I hate the word balance, but I'll use it here because it gets closest to where I actually land. I am not a traditional SAHM. I'm multi-faceted, dynamic, and also very pregnant. I work for myself, creating content and in-person experiences. I've been home with my daughter this past year with very little outside support. I have a garden I love, slow mornings I protect, and also a brand and creative identity that matters deeply to me. I want the farmers’ market and the city. I want community and solitude. I have learned, slowly, that both things can exist, not because I've mastered balance, but because I've built enough capacity to hold the duality without collapsing under it.

This past week, I sent my daughter to her first part-time summer camp. Our first separation ever. I went back and forth more times than I'd like to admit. I knew she needed a Pre-K transition before her little sister’s arrival later this summer. I knew she'd thrive. I also knew I needed the time, and that my needing it was not a betrayal of my values; it was an act of capacity building. Because when I'm resourced, I'm present. When I'm depleted, I'm just performing presence, which is exactly what this trend is reacting against. Yet, somehow, I felt immense guilt for not spending the last summer with her before becoming a mom of 2. I compared myself to every other mom I follow on social media who is doing all of the things with their kids all day, with seemingly no support.

They weren't performing slowness; they were just living it, because there was nothing else to perform for.

What I think we're really asking for is permission to do the same. To let our kids run through the sprinklers with popsicles (dye-free, obviously) and wind down with something low-stimulation (hello, Little Bear) without it meaning we've failed some invisible standard. To send them to camp and miss them the whole time and know that was still the right call. Or be home with them, and not do it all at once. To crave the elements of that slower era while being fully present in this one, with all its opportunities, all its pressure, and all its noise.

I want the intentional mornings with my daughter, and I want to have space for myself for a few hours. I want to wear minimal outfits that I can repeat, linens I can live in, and nightgowns as dresses. I want presence and permission to do less without feeling like it's not enough. I want to curate a life that feels good to me and not for anyone else. I want to romanticize motherhood and also let her into the rest of who I am. I want to make fun, whimsical recipes with my toddler and do screen-free activities without it being performative.

You don’t have to choose between being present and being supported. You don’t have to earn your slowness. The 90s mom you’re romanticizing wasn’t doing it perfectly either. She was just doing it without an audience. And maybe that’s the real invitation here, to put down the performance, and just live.

I think for most of us, it’s feeling the nostalgia and the magic of their childhood and wanting to recreate that for our children.

Butter mom energy isn’t a trend. It’s your nervous system asking to come home.

I say this as I’m currently sitting poolside on my babymoon and wanted to share how regulated I feel when I have the space to pour back into myself, sans toddler and constant mental load. Of course, sometimes, our system really needs this, but it isn’t always realistic, which is why I want to talk about practical ways to support yourself in the in-between, everyday moments.

Travel is authentic to me; it’s something I love doing and brings me joy. But it’s not something I use as an escape or a mechanism. When I travel, I do so intentionally, and it’s always at places that are an extension of my current life. Meaning, I look for resorts or destinations that share wellness-focused amenities that I care about.

The environment, how the space feels, the food, ingredient quality, and intentionality in the experience. Essentially, places that are designed to make me feel at home, rather than to escape my life. But with a little upgrade or a luxury-focused stay.

What makes this feel different from a typical vacation isn't just the aesthetics. It's that every element sent a signal to my nervous system: you are safe here, you are nourished here, this is not so different from your own environment.

And I’ll be honest: not every trip has left me feeling this way. The difference is intention.

Intentional travel tips

Most travel leaves you exhausted; these tips are built to leave you feeling rejuvenated.

Everything about where we stayed at the Dunlin, Auberge was exactly that. Locally sourced food from a farm down the street, a goatery with dairy products and eggs, and bikes on the property to ride around the gorgeous acres of land.

And of course, the rooms, which overlook the riverfront and have soaking tubs for the ultimate relaxation. I chose it because it felt like home, and the kind of lifestyle I currently live.

Things that support this when booking a trip that I look for:

• low-tox environments

• nervous system regulation itineraries with structure and space

• planning that protects my peace

Here are some amazing tips from - a wellness-forward travel & experience studio grounded in one belief: travel should support your life. Lauren helped me find this incredible resort, knowing my love for Auberge’s and wellness travel.

“Regulation requires the full context of a trip, not just the property. Where someone stays absolutely matters, and having real relationships with hotel partners means I can see behind the marketing to understand whether an experience will actually be regulating. But so does the timing and the logistics surrounding the trip. If someone is traveling in their busiest season, with a chaotic departure and no buffer on return, even the most wellness-forward property won’t land. The stressors on either end undermine everything in the middle.

The other thing I think about carefully is a client’s home routine, especially their morning and evening anchors. If walking outside in direct sunlight first thing is what regulates someone, it’s not in their best interest for me to place them at a cliffside resort without a walking trail, no matter how beautiful it is or what else it offers. My job is to find those preferences and match them to a place that protects them as closely as possible.”

Most importantly, it’s about finding what aligns with and is authentic for you. You can take the Restorative Travel Personality Quiz from Born on a Saturday. If you are looking for a trip, she’s your person.

The vacation myth

When we’re only regulated on vacation, we’ve unconsciously trained our nervous system to look outside itself for the signal that it’s okay to relax.

The idea that we need to escape our reality to feel okay is a dysregulation pattern. Waiting for relief tells our system to outsource our safety rather than cultivate internally. Rest that only exists in a resort isn’t what builds capacity; it just distracts us from what we really need to feel and face.

I’m not here to say every vacation is doing this. Vacation can be a distraction and a chance to slow down or maybe “live more.” It’s a break from your everyday life, where you are catering to others, a break from the mess, the to-do list, work, and daily responsibilities. But if we are only regulated when we are away from life, it’s so much harder when we come back. I’m all about creating a life that I actually enjoy returning to after a trip away.

What it actually feels like to come home before you’ve built real capacity: the trip ends, and within a day or two, you’re back in the same patterns. Nothing changed, because the regulation lived in the resort, not in you. I’ve been there, where the vacation didn’t transfer because I hadn’t done the work of creating safety inside my actual life. And now, my goal after every trip is to return to a life that already feels good. Taking elements from my stay with me, but where my nervous system recognizes it as home.

When you’re not traveling, you can still recreate the feeling of being in a place where you feel nourished and grounded.

Ways I support my system post vacay

It can be hard after a trip to come back to the business of life. But a little intention before you leave means your nervous system has something soft to return to instead of walking back into chaos.

Here’s what I do before/after every trip:

• Clean sheets waiting for me: there is nothing that signals rest and reset like crawling into a freshly made bed after traveling.

• A clean house before I leave: I cannot relax knowing I’m coming home to a mess. Tidying before I go means I step back in, and my system can actually exhale instead of immediately going into cleanup mode.

• A stocked fridge: I order ahead so there’s real food waiting. It helps me not to default to something that doesn’t make me feel good just because I’m depleted, and there’s nothing in the house.

• A light week planned: I protect the days immediately after a trip. No packed schedule, no back-to-back commitments. I give myself a buffer to integrate.

• Everything shower + unpack immediately: I am that girl who unpacks her bags the moment I get home. I don’t do anything else until this is done first. Luggage living in the corner for days is visual noise my nervous system reads as unfinished. The moment it's done, I can actually be home, present, and ready to re-enter my life. I also must take a shower immediately. Traveling carries energy, and I need to cleanse it. Physically and energetically. It's my ritual for closing the trip and reopening to my real life.

Make your environment a regulatory cue

You don’t have to leave home to resource yourself. You have to design your environment to send safety cues. Soft lighting (hello circadian rhythm bulbs), a scent you love, music that brings you back into your body, weekly flowers that make you feel beauty and awe when you look at them.

And if you’ve ever come home from a trip feeling like you left the best version of yourself at the resort, you can actually bring pieces of it back with you.

• Vacay playlists: I love to make Spotify playlists that make me feel like I do when I am poolside; it helps me relax and get back into that space.

• Bringing home a scent: if you love the way the scent at a resort made you feel, then having something like their soap or room refresher, if they sell this, can give you a similar feeling. If your body already associates that smell with safety and rest, you can call that feeling back into your everyday life without going anywhere.

• Bringing home shells: I collect shells from the beach wherever I go. Having something I can hold that connects me back to that place, and that feeling is one of the simplest and most grounding things I do.

Micro-moments of ventral vagal access

Small, repeatable signals that tell your nervous system it’s safe right now:

• Making eye contact and genuinely smiling at your child

  • When you slow down enough to really see your child, and they see you back, your nervous systems are doing something called co-regulation.

• Humming while you cook (vagal nerve stimulation)

  • When you hum, you’re literally vibrating it, sending a direct signal to your parasympathetic nervous system that you are safe.

• Feeling your feet on the floor before you pick up your phone

  • The feeling of something solid beneath you before you let the noise in is your nervous system getting an orienting cue. That you are here, you are grounded.

• Stepping outside for 90 seconds or walking with no agenda

  • Natural light, fresh air, and movement are three of the fastest ways to shift your physiological state.

Co-regulation as the underrated tool

Mothers give co-regulation all day, and rarely receive it themselves. But we are also humans who require it just like our children do. Reaching out to a friend whose nervous system feels safe to yours, or even a meaningful moment with your child at their most settled, counts as regulation. Finding even one person that your system trusts is not a luxury; it's part of your regulation practice.

Regulation is not something you earn when life finally slows down. It’s something you practice inside the life you already have, so that when rest does come, it actually lands.

A dysregulated nervous system can’t absorb rest. It stays vigilant even on vacation, even at the resort, even with the soaking tub.

The capacity has to be built from the inside out, in ordinary moments, before the magic of a beautiful trip can actually reach you.

You don’t have to escape your life to feel good. You don't become a better mom by trying harder; you become a more aligned one by returning to yourself. And that return is available to you right now, in the middle of the life you’re already living.

In honor of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and Hypermobility Spectrum Disorders (HSD) Awareness Month, I thought I would talk more about what it’s like living with a chronic illness as a mom in her 30s.

The only reason I even got to this diagnosis was due to sharing my experience with ongoing unusual symptoms (which stemmed from an injury) online in 2018. A fellow creator candidly reached out to me to tell me she suspected I may have POTS/EDS, which usually goes hand in hand.

If it weren’t for her reaching out and telling me what type of specialists to see, I probably would still be clueless when it came to my mysterious symptoms. So, in light of that, I wanted to talk about this disease, which is still so unknown and misdiagnosed. Mainly because there isn’t really a test you can do to find this out, you need to find a Rheumatologist who is aware of this. Maybe I can help someone else who suspects they have this advocate for themselves and get answers, too.

What is EDS?

There are several types of EDS, but I have the hypermobile type, which is determined by a Beighton test, a 9-point, standardized assessment tool used to measure generalized joint hypermobility (flexibility). Versus the other connective tissue diseases, which have an actual cheek swab test you can take. I was negative for it, because HEDs is the only one that doesn’t have a marker on their test, yet. Which means you need to meet the criteria physically.

I had almost every single one, such as silky soft skin that is stretchy, a high/narrow palette, spine flexibility, and hyperextended knees/elbows. Along with all of the other comorbidities that come with EDS, such as POTS, gastrointestinal issues, scoliosis, endometriosis, and neurological/spinal issues, such as weird headaches, TMJ, and Cranio-cervical instability. While I suggest seeing an actual doctor, The Ehles-Danlos Society does have a free hypermobility test you can take online. As well as a ton of resources, including specialists in your area.

These conditions, specifically POTS and MCAS, have become way more recognizable and diagnosed due to COVID long-haul, bringing them to the surface, as well as postpartum hormone shifts.

People with EDS/HSD are often called "medical Zebras," due to their being complex and rare conditions. Growing up, I had a slew of symptoms that it almost felt hard to believe a healthy person could have so many different issues. Doctors gave me a typical diagnosis, and I had seen so many specialists by the time I hit high school, with no one seeing a correlation. At the time, I also suffered from a ton of anxiety, specifically health anxiety, which hindered my life in many ways. I became extremely hypervigilant on every symptom, constantly googling and WebMDing, and convincing myself I was dying almost every week. Every negative test reassured me, but I still felt something was not right.

By the time I entered high school, I suffered from panic attacks and intense menstrual pain. I wore heart monitors for weeks just to be told “it’s probably just anxiety,” and was put on the pill and was told it was the only solution for my pain. My gut issues began, and so did my fear of food. I went gluten-free (for a month) before there were any good alternatives available, and gave up due to a lack of options. I was completely disconnected from my body and emotions, and felt so misunderstood as everyone around me thought I was a hypoconrodia.

After my diagnosis in 2018, I spent a few years seeking answers, finally feeling validated and seen, but also completely tied to this identity. I was completely Type A perfectionist when it came to my healing. I went to every specialist, lived on so many supplements, and was constantly working on feeling better instead of looking at what was underneath it all. I worked with functional medicine to support my gut, as well as chiropractic for muscle testing weekly. While these things did help me, it was just more ways I became tied to my symptoms and wanting to be perfectly healed.

How postpartum brought these symptoms to the surface

Postpartum/COVID brought these symptoms to the forefront and brought new issues like MCAS, which has been my biggest issue over the last 3 years. This is essentially hives breaking out on my body, and it is attacking my immune system. I would be set off by things such as food, heat, and stress. I have been finding myself in similar patterns of wanting to heal and not feeling safe in my body. I learned how MCAS creates too much histamine load in the body, and doing all the healthy wellness things, like too much detox and saunas, cold plunges, and even healthy foods like avocado, can set me off. Essentially, if your bucket gets too full, it creates overflow in the body.

Along with being gluten and dairy-free since 2018, I began a low-histamine diet, which has helped, but also felt restrictive and a place I don’t want to be in. The symptoms actually got better after I stopped nursing, and I got my cycle back. I’d notice I only had the itching when I was ovulating and right before my menstrual cycle started. It felt manageable, and I was working with a functional medicine practice that I loved, which specializes in nervous system and histamine overload. We were working on repairing my gut and Estrogen dominance before I got pregnant, which did help, but then as soon as I got pregnant, they came back worse than ever. I know my symptoms are triggered by stress, which I’ll share more about how I have finally shifted this.

I am considered more high risk, and while I had a “normal” pregnancy and birthing experience last time, I still need to take precautions in my pregnancies. This time, I am grateful I was cleared to work with a midwife group, Oula, which is still affiliated with a hospital.

Because I have been talking more about it, my algorithm has been serving me so much content about it, which honestly was not the case years ago when I got diagnosed. I felt pretty alone in it, minus the two other friends I knew who also struggled with it. Now, I can watch reels and get answers that not even doctors have helped me with.

Including my most recent discovery, which is that people with HEDs and HSD have a harder time regulating their nervous system. Because the connective tissue literally affects every part of your body and your Autonomic Nervous System/Vagus Nerve. Which means people with this condition don’t relax or regulate the same way. You can do all the nervous system work, and it won’t be as effective because of how the ANS is affected by this disease. Now, there is so much new research showing that there are new diagnostic criteria.

I’ve been following a few amazing accounts that have shared incredible resources and tips about this. Specifically about the correlation with MCAS/histamine and pelvic issues, which get so much worse in pregnancy for me. It permits women like me who have done so much work on their nervous system and still have issues. Our bodies are literally wired differently and require different care and support. Some of my favorite accounts are @thenervousystem.ot and @nicolepelvicot, who has her own app for people with these conditions, which I just became a member of.

has helped me so much by simply following their work. I actually was able to find out more about my histamine issues and the correlation to my HEDS by listening to this podcast episode.

I love Michelle’s take about fear around symptoms making them worse. “When you live in a body with active MCAS, POTS, or nervous system dysregulation, two things are happening at the same time:

1. Real, biochemical symptoms. Histamine flooding, autonomic dysfunction, mast cell mediators firing, and structural barriers. All of it is completely real!

2. But, there’s also a limbic system response (in the brain) to those symptoms that creates a second layer of chemical activation. Think of it as your reaction to those (very real) symptoms. This can create more stress hormones, more mast cell activation, and more histamine release.

The fear is not in your head. But it is making your physical symptoms worse. Both things are true.

The hypothalamus both produces histamine and drives the cortisol stress response. Stress is, in the most literal sense, a histamine trigger. There’s just no separating them.

The cycle looks like this: Symptom → fear → cortisol spike → more histamine → more symptoms → more fear → repeat.”

Raising a child with an invisible illness

Before I had my diagnosis, no one knew I was sick or feeling unwell unless they knew me. The thing about invisible illness is that you can appear healthy on the outside, but feel like you’re dying on the inside. I learned to live with my pain and not sit with it or let it take over. Which is something I don’t take for granted, but it doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.

Learning to actually support my system and rest when I need it, as well as prioritize things that made me feel good, became imperative for how I felt. That meant not going out as much with friends, honoring my body and my no, getting regular acupuncture, doing meditations and modalities that supported me.

Before I became a mom, I had the luxury of taking care of myself whenever I wanted and resting when I needed. That is not the case with a toddler, whom I am with full-time, while pregnant.

Even finding time to schedule in PT, acupuncture, or even just seeing my doctors requires so much planning and coordination with childcare. Which means, I don’t get to rest as much as I know my body needs. But I still prioritize my health, which is why I try as much as possible to wake up even 15 minutes before her to meditate. I eat extremely mindfully and clean because it directly impacts my body. I cook mostly all of our meals and am very conscious of ingredients. I do workouts while my daughter is there, sitting with me, even if it’s not “perfect”, my body needs movement to not get stuck. I’ll sit, especially while pregnant, when I need to, and I don’t push myself to be strong for her. I openly tell her when I am in pain and when I need to sit.

It requires so much more resilience than people understand. But I try my best not to become a victim of my disease. While also honoring that I do need more support than most people. My body is more susceptible to burnout and pain, and I am more sensitive than others.

The one thing that has actually shifted the most

While this is a real medical genetic disease, I know many of my symptoms came from a lack of awareness and connection. I was a high-achieving perfectionist growing up in a divorced family. I equated my worth to my output and was always seeking validation. These symptoms, while real, I believe, developed or were brought to the surface due to my nervous system dysregulation. I also believe the more I make this disease my identity, the sicker I feel. The more I focus on the symptoms and try to “fix” myself, the worse they get.

Years ago, I began doing inner child work through To Be Magnetic, which I rave about constantly because it changed my life. I started it to manifest, but I ended up getting so much more than just the physical manifestations, but rather the internal safety. This, alongside acupuncture, completely alleviated my symptoms, including SIBO, POTS, and my ENDO. While I still suffer from time to time with gut issues, dysautonomia, and, most recently, MCAS, my symptoms are manageable.

Even talking to my cardiologist, he confirmed how impactful doing breathwork and nervous system regulation is on the body to alleviate symptoms. I greatly attribute it to my improvement over the years.

Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS) is a concept developed by Dr. John Sarno. Nicole Sachs, who suffered from her own TMS symptoms, began her journey to healing through Sarno and now teaches others. Her whole philosophy is that the pain is not in your head, but the solution is not in your body. Her belief, as many in this space, is that your nervous system would rather feel physical pain to protect you from emotional pain.

TMS moves around the body based on different stresses. This is what I have experienced when it comes to symptoms changing and pain moving in different parts of my body. It started with Sinus issues that then went to migraines, to gut issues, to endo issues, to POTS, to pelvic issues, to skin issues.

, created JournalSpeak, which is a type of expressive writing therapy utilizing John Sarno’s principles. Nicole has helped herself and thousands of people with TMS find actual relief through this practice. Most of these cases similarly have a real medical diagnosis, but have been able to live symptom-free by doing what she describes as 'Rage on the Page.’

I began taking this seriously about 3 weeks ago, and while I don’t always want to take 20 minutes to journal and express my emotions, I have actually noticed changes. Some days, I have a lot of energy that needs to be moved, and I look forward to it. It’s given me space to actually vent and release healthily. I put on nervous system regulating music and my 20-minute timer. After each session, I rip up the pages and throw them away + end with a short meditation to re-ground.

Not only has my emotional reservoir felt more manageable and less on “edge”/triggered by little things. My capacity has expanded to hold more of my daughter’s emotions. But the icing on the cake, which is why I began this work, is my decrease in symptoms. For me, the most struggling one is my histamine, which causes me to itch all over my body and scratch until I bleed. I spent years seeing specialists, taking supplements, eliminating foods, trying anti-histamines, and every possible topical on the market. Within 3 weeks, my symptoms have drastically improved, and the itching is way more manageable. It’s not completely gone, and I see a correlation between stress and its flaring. However, I can actually feel safe in my body again, and I know the itching is a larger picture than just hormones and my EDS.

Another thing I recently started for my pelvic pain, after little success with PT (which I do think is important), is craniosacral therapy. Craniosacral therapy (CST) is a gentle hands-on practice where a therapist uses feather-light touch to release restrictions in the membranes and fluid surrounding the brain and spinal cord, helping regulate the nervous system. Benefits include reduced stress and anxiety, relief from headaches, neck and back pain, TMJ issues, improved sleep, and support for post-trauma recovery — including postpartum healing for both mothers and newborns. It sits in a similar somatic space to Reiki, working with the body's own rhythms to drop into a parasympathetic state.

Before my session, I had no idea what to expect, but I was open, as I am to many modalities. I felt instantly connected and safe with the practitioner who tapped into my baby’s energy. Before I knew it, I was opening up and flooded with emotions and memories from my adolescence. I’m not sure how it’s connected to my present, but as soon as I talked and released, the pain moved throughout my body and began getting softer.

All this to say is that while I have these conditions, and I am aware of the symptoms/complications that come with them, I am also aware of how much of my mind is a factor. How important doing the deep inner work really is, and how I don’t have to get stuck in being a sick person. I don’t have to have fear for having discomfort, or constantly need to scan my body and brace for danger; I don’t have to live with pain.

While I can’t change my genes, I can change how I look at my symptoms. The more I can release my emotional reservoir from pouring over, the more capacity I can hold in my body.

Speaking on behalf of myself and Alyssa, as intuitive beings navigating motherhood, there’s something we have found ourselves returning to again and again in our work and in our own experiences of motherhood: the sense that becoming a mother isn’t just a life transition, it’s an energetic one.

Motherhood is not just a shift in roles and responsibilities, but a reorganization of how you move through the world. It impacts how you feel, how you relate to others, and how you know yourself. The energetics of motherhood are often something that’s felt intuitively before it’s fully understood intellectually.

From the perspective of a licensed therapist who specializes in maternal mental health, I would add that you might notice it in the moments where your reactions feel bigger than expected. Or when parts of you emerge that you thought you had already worked through. Or when you catch yourself thinking, “why does this feel so hard /dysregulating /frustrating/exhausting / [insert challenging emotion here]?”

From a clinical lens, there’s language for this. The transition into motherhood is called matrescence—a developmental process that, much like adolescence, involves hormonal shifts, identity restructuring, emotional intensity, and changes in how we relate to ourselves and others. Matrescence = the journey of motherhood. If you want to learn more about matrescence, check out this piece titled, “What is Matrescence?”

From a less clinical and more intuitive perspective, matrescence is an unraveling of who you’ve been and an energetic shift into becoming who you’re meant to be. Becoming a new version of your highest self. Alyssa speaks so eloquently about motherhood as an energetic upgrade in her article, “Why becoming a Mother is an energetic upgrade”. There’s a magical way motherhood invites us to understand ourselves, mind, body, and soul, and through this understanding, as Alyssa explains, we can recalibrate and realign, allowing mothers to manifest from a new energetic space.

Where clinical knowledge and intuitive knowing meet is often in the nervous system. We experience the energetics of motherhood through the parts of ourselves that know how to protect, perform, anticipate, and hold everything together.

The part of you that over-functions and people-pleases to keep the peace.
The part that shuts down when it all feels like too much.
The part that wants everything to be perfect.
The part that feels like it’s quietly falling apart.

Motherhood has a way of bringing all of these parts closer to the surface, not because something is going wrong, but because something deeper is asking to be seen. This space is where the energetic and the clinical begin to overlap, because what we often describe as “energy” can also be understood through the nervous system. Through understanding patterns of activation, regulation, and protection that shape how we experience this transition, we can find greater alignment and intention in motherhood.

Support in Motherhood Through Therapy

Finding your way back to yourself, with support. We weren’t meant to do this alone.

I talk to so many women who find themselves trying to hold it all together. They’re navigating identity changes, emotional waves, and nervous system activation, all while also caring for a child. At some point, the question becomes less about “how do I handle this?” and more about:

“Who is holding me as I move through this?”

Because motherhood support isn’t just a nice idea, it’s a regulating force. Support is what allows your system to soften, process, and reorganize, and this is not done in isolation, but in relationship.

Identifying Your Support System

Support doesn’t have to look one specific way. For some, it’s a therapist, while for others, it’s a partner, a close friend, a community, or a space that allows for honest expression – such as the Aligned, Not Perfect group experience co-hosted by Alyssa – or combinations of these things, alongside self-care practices. What matters most is this: Do you have places where you don’t have to perform?

Spaces where you can say:

“This feels harder than I expected.”

“I don’t feel like myself.”

“I don’t know what I need, but I know I need something.”

…without being met with solutions, minimization, or redirection.

When we’re first honest with ourselves about our own needs and where we need some help, then we can create space to show up as a more regulated parent.

Alyssa recently shared, “I got really honest about the fact that I need support. Which means sometimes I don’t want family time on the weekend, I want to rest. Some weekends I need to be in my own energy and take a whole day for myself, which thankfully my husband knows and encourages. On other weekends, we will go to my mom’s to get extra support so we can both sleep and get rest.”

This is the perfect example of using your support system, in this case, a helpful partner and loving grandma, to find the rest and space to align with your personal energetic needs. Because when we are being honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge that our needs didn’t disappear in motherhood, but if we treat them like they did, then we’re at risk of disappearing ourselves.

From The Mother Frequency article “How I Protect My Peace as a Highly Sensitive Mom.”

Finding a Therapist Who Understands Motherhood

When it comes to therapy, fit matters, especially in this season, and the truth is, it can take time to find the right fit. Motherhood isn’t just a life circumstance; it’s a developmental transition, and working with someone who understands that can change the depth of the work.

If you’re looking for support, it can be helpful to consider:

• Does this therapist understand matrescence and identity shifts in motherhood?

• Do they work with the nervous system or with energy in the body through tools like somatic therapy? You may feel more aligned with someone who approaches clinical work not just through thoughts (i.e., CBT or exclusively talk therapy)

• Can they hold both your love for your child and the complexity of your experience? It might feel most beneficial to work with a therapist who is also a mother, so that there is some level of relatability in your therapeutic relationship. Simply asking a therapist if they have children is not an inappropriate question or something most therapists would view as too personal for a consultation call.

You deserve a space where nothing about your experience feels like “too much” or “not enough.” When building a therapeutic relationship, you don’t have to justify why your experience feels hard, and your therapist should be able to meet your reactions with curiosity, not correction.

To find a therapist in your area that is specifically trained in perinatal mental health, I also recommend the directory hosted by Postpartum Support International.

https://psidirectory.com/

When Talk Therapy Isn’t Enough

Talk therapy can be incredibly valuable, but for many women in motherhood, there comes a point where insight alone doesn’t fully shift the experience. You might already understand why you’re feeling triggered… and still feel activated in the moment. This is because not all experiences are stored cognitively; many are held in the body and nervous system.

This is where other therapeutic modalities can be especially supportive. In our podcast episode together, Alyssa and I specifically talked about EMDR therapy, a modality that offers a hybrid approach between trauma treatment and somatic therapy. I often recommend and provide EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) in the season of motherhood because it offers my clients a way for their brain to process and integrate experiences that feel “stuck”, ultimately providing clients with the relief they need so their memories or past experiences no longer carry the same emotional intensity.

Instead of only talking about an experience, EMDR works with how it’s stored in your system.

In the context of motherhood, this can be especially helpful for:

• Processing a difficult or traumatic birth

• Reducing postpartum anxiety or intrusive thoughts

• Working through childhood patterns that resurface in parenting

• Healing triggers that feel disproportionate to the present moment

What makes EMDR powerful is that it doesn’t require you to “figure it all out” cognitively. EMDR, as a treatment, allows your system to complete what it hasn’t been able to process. Often, I witness the way this treatment creates more space for presence, connection, and self-trust.

Support as an Energetic Recalibration

As a final note on support in motherhood, I want to acknowledge the way that support does something essential from both a clinical and energetic perspective:

It brings your system out of isolation.

It interrupts the pattern of: hold it together → push through → collapse → repeat

And replaces it with: feel → process → integrate → respond

This is where real change, in your energy and your mental health, can happen.

The Importance of Maternal Mental Health

There’s a reason this conversation matters beyond the individual experience. Maternal mental health isn’t just personal, it’s foundational.

Research shows that 1 in 5 mothers experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD). This can include anxiety, depression, OCD, and more. Many more moms experience distress that never gets formally named or supported – the loneliness, the rage, the struggle against expectations. If you’re curious about understanding PMADs and identifying your personal risk factors, I have a free resource for you available here.

At the same time, we know this: The greatest predictor of a child’s emotional well-being is maternal mental health. This tells us that motherhood is not about perfection, not about getting everything right, but about the overall well-being of the mother.

A Reframe Worth Holding Onto

Taking care of your mental health isn’t something you do in addition to motherhood. It’s something that supports how you move through it.

Your mental health as a mother shapes:

• How you respond in moments of stress

• How do you repair when things feel off

• How you relate to your child, to your partner, and to yourself

Perhaps most importantly, caring for your own energy and your own mental health models something powerful:

You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to receive support.

If you find yourself in a season where things feel heavy, activating, or unclear… you’re not doing motherhood wrong.

Motherhood is an ongoing integration.

An energetic shift.
A nervous system recalibration.
A becoming.

Within this process, you don’t have to hold everything alone. You’re allowed to be supported as you become.

With love and support,

Emily Pelky – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Author of the Substack Intuition of Motherhood

To hear more maternal mental health, intuition in motherhood, understanding the nervous system and how it responds to stress, and healing from burnout – check out the most recent episode of the Magnetic Mama Club: “From Burnout to Healing: Intuition, Nervous System & Maternal Mental Health with Licensed Therapist, Emily Pelky.”

To hear more maternal mental health, intuition in motherhood, understanding the nervous system and how it responds to stress, and healing from burnout – check out the most recent episode of the Magnetic Mama Club: “From Burnout to Healing: Intuition, Nervous System & Maternal Mental Health with Licensed Therapist, Emily Pelky.”

If this conversation resonated with you and you’d like to explore more of Emily’s work, you can learn about her therapy practice, EMDR intensives, and coaching offerings at emilypelky.com.

Emily also writes on Substack at Intuition of Motherhood, where she explores matrescence, relationships after baby, nervous system healing, and the emotional + intuitive experience of motherhood. Readers of The Mother Frequency can receive 15% off an annual subscription to The Nest, her paid community space, by clicking here.

You can connect with Emily on Instagram and TikTok at @emily.pelky, where she shares reflections on motherhood, mental health, intuitive energetics, and everyday life in this season of becoming.

It’s May, which means it’s a month devoted to motherhood, maternal mental health, and women’s health. So, I will be sharing all topics, products, and tips to support women. Starting with motherhood, which doesn’t deserve just one day with a card and flowers. We deserve care and appreciation for all of the work we do every day.

As a mom who is primarily a SAHM with little time for herself during the week, but still focuses on supporting herself, this is how I romanticize my life and motherhood. And if you’re a highly sensitive mom, you know that taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. Your nervous system feels everything more deeply, which means the depletion hits harder and the restoration has to be more intentional.

But the issue is that time is limited. We’re not talking about hour-long rituals or spa days every weekend. We’re talking about small, meaningful things woven into your daily life and showing up for yourself.

Which is why I’m sharing a little Mother’s Day gift guide for the things we actually want. They’re all crunchy, mom-approved, with your nervous system in mind.

When it comes to self-care, it’s more than just getting a massage. Which is lovely, but we need practical items that support our everyday well-being. Things that help us find moments of regulation in the mundane days. Things that make ordinary moments feel worth savoring.

Because building our capacity isn’t about what we do when we’re already falling apart. It’s about resourcing ourselves when we’re already regulated. It’s proactive, not reactive. Finding beauty in the everyday is one of the most practical ways we can get into the ventral vagal: that feeling of being safe, calm, and fully present in your own life.

So I’ve broken this guide into seven categories, each one rooted in that idea. From supporting your nervous system directly, to romanticizing the mundane, to nourishing your body and slowing your mornings down. These aren’t luxury items that you don’t need. They’re the things that quietly make your everyday life feel a little more like yours.

GIFT GIVING IDEAS

Mind + Body care: supporting sleep, nervous system, and overall nourishment

• Magnesium - I love putting this on my feet at night to help me sleep. Bonus that I can be used in hair for growth. I am also obsessed with their Rise + rest facial oil. It has vitamin C, and I use it daily with my stainless steel gua sha. (Perfect for toddlers who break things). Use code Alyssab15

• Weighted Eye Mask - I swear this is the only way I can actually sleep. I have several and bring them everywhere.

• Red Light Therapy - my favorite device to support my skin, pain, and overall inflammation. This one is completely EMF-free. Use my code Alyssab for 15% off sitewide.

• Blue light blocking glasses - that actually are tested and studied to work

• A toddler sling that actually supports her back and looks so cute.

• Daily Resilience Complex: Perelel’s newest product, a whole-body functional support powder full of collagen and protein. I love all of their pregnancy/nursing safe products. Use code Alyssab15.

Romanticize the mundane: Making ordinary moments feel intentional

• This non-toxic candle that connects you back to yourself and the present moment.

• Camp Snap: Capturing special moments that look like vintage 90’s film. Even our toddler loves taking photos, and you can dispose of them right on your computer. I personally want the video camera to capture family memories without the phone.

• The chicest mom bag you’ll want to wear. The denim on denim is giving artipoppe, and the black nylon is giving Prada. Use code ALYSSAMAMEI

• Helping her mental load with a chic pill/jewelry case: this one is so cool, but here is a more budget-friendly option.

• Gift card to her favorite place to shop. I personally would love GAP gift cards any day of the week, so I can get some clothes I am loving.

• A beautiful matcha kit to ritualize her morning routine. This matcha is personally on my wishlist to try.

• Gardening kit that is so cute and practical. Pair with these garden gloves and gardening tools.

Keepsakes she’ll actually want: Chic, not cheesy

• Custom name necklace with the child’s name, this birthstone necklace, or this one for multiple children. I just purchased this bracelet with my daughter’s name.

• This custom mug for your daily fix of caffeine or tea - you can write any message, which I love. Or this travel one, which is so cute.

• A photo album that she’ll actually want to display and doubles as a coffee table book. I also love this one.

• Cute PJ’s with her initials (or child’s) embroidered. My faves are these organic cotton ones from Sleep Code.

• I keep wanting to order this digital frame, and they have so many great Mother’s Day deals.

• A keepsake box to cherish all the amazing memories you never want to forget.

New moms: for a special first mother’s day

• Meals that nourish her and take something off her plate. I love Welcome Home meals, especially for postpartum.

• A chic stroller bag that is practical. I am eyeing this one for my next baby; it’s currently pre-order only.

• Massage at her favorite place. Or at home if possible, so she can be with her baby. I loved doing an at-home lymphatic massage. If she’s freshly postpartum, look into a doula who offers “closing the bones” ceremonies.

• The Everything Gift Set is a perfect, thoughtful gift for every phase of motherhood.

• A journal to remember all the moments from the first year, something I regret not doing.

• An actual, cute, and high-quality embroidered cashmere sweater.

• Flowers with a thoughtful and heartfelt card showing appreciation (all moms deserve this, it’s the bare minimum!) Bonus if you get a cute custom vase. P.S. Not the supermarket flowers, these are what moms are looking for.

• A bath soak that nourishes her or a postpartum herbal bath if she’s still healing.

ACTS OF SERVICE IDEAS

Experiences or ways that take the mental load off: so she doesn’t need to think about anything else

• A day planned where she doesn’t have to think about anything

• A solo getaway

• A photoshoot planned for her to get family pictures or take pics of her! Love these tips for taking great photos

• Letting her sleep in without anyone waking her with requests

• Handling all the errands for the week so she has a truly free day

• Cooking a full week of meals or booking a meal prep service

• Taking the kids out of the house for a full afternoon with no check-ins

• Scheduling and handling all the appointments she has been putting off

• A night where she doesn’t have to think about dinner, bedtime, or the mental checklist

• Hiring a cleaner for a deep clean so she can simply exist in a tidy home without being the one to create it

• Setting up a recurring babysitter so she has built-in time every week, not just on special occasions

• Letting her have a morning completely to herself with no agenda, no one asking anything, just quiet

• Taking something off her invisible to-do list that she has mentioned more than once and never received help with

• Run a bath for her with her favorite candle or essential oils

If you’re looking for something to actually support your nervous system as a mom and become more connected with yourself, then join my upcoming 6-week program, Aligned, Not Perfect. The perfect gift for mothers looking to actually build capacity, understand their unique motherhood energy blueprint, and conscious community. Run by me + Erin Mathew, creator of Motherhood By Design. Use code MOTHERSDAY for $100 off this week only. We begin Sunday, 5/17. All calls will be recorded if you cannot attend live.

I’ve recently been sharing about my motherhood journey and the struggles I face as a highly sensitive person (HSP) raising a high-energy child, and it’s resonated with so many of you. My last few articles share more about the child’s nervous system and ways to support their sensory needs, but I wanted to talk about how I support my own in more depth.

What I don’t think people realize is that we are living a completely different motherhood experience. With children who have energy from the moment they are awake until the moment they go to sleep, it’s endless and exhausting for anyone, especially for people who are already so sensitive.

I don’t think I realized how sensitive and overstimulated I was until I became a mom. I always knew I needed more time for things like transitions and easing into my day. Before having a child, I had the luxury of working for myself and making my own hours. Which meant I got to wake up when I wanted to and spend 2 hours on a grounding morning routine that allowed me to connect with myself.

I have been practicing energy healing since I was little. I always knew how to work with my own energy, how to move it in my body, and how to ground myself; it’s always been a superpower of mine. I learned to love the sensitive parts of myself that required more rest. I stopped saying yes to so many things that were draining me or making me feel out of alignment, and I got really focused on making myself feel good.

I was also an extremely big-feeling child who was sensitive and emotional. I could feel when other people’s energy felt off, and I was always scanning the environment. I didn’t know back then that being a reflector in human design was a large part of this; I could easily absorb the energy around me.

This is especially important for someone with a chronic and invisible illness. I was diagnosed with a connective tissue disease, Ehlers-Danlos, about 6 years ago, which gave me answers to lifelong issues I’ve suffered from. From years of IBS, SIBO, leaky gut, racey heart (hello, POTS), endometrosis and pelvic pain, misalignment of my spine and postural issues, headaches, and TMJ, and most recently MCAS (thanks to pregnancy/postpartum and COVID). I learned that my body required more rest than most people, that slowing down wasn’t just a trendy thing to do, it was absolutely vital to my overall health.

People with health issues like hEDS or POTS, which are directly connected to the ANS, need to work even harder on their regulation. This was the beginning of my nervous system work. It wasn’t because I saw people on Instagram talk about being regulated; it was because if I didn’t, I would have horrible symptoms. I’m grateful that mine are mild and manageable with things such as acupuncture, which has been a game-changer in my life.

It took me years of healing my gut through functional medicine and nervous system work to finally get in a good place to get pregnant (both times) and to feel my best for my daughter. I actually felt amazing during pregnancy; my POTS symptoms were better because of the extra blood flow. But my pelvic floor took a beating from the relaxin and extra hormones, making me more prone to pain. Then, postpartum completely rocked me and depleted me. Getting COVID a month after giving birth while also exclusively nursing, which I continued for over a year, triggered so many hormone issues in my body. With less time for my practices and more time taking care of another human than myself, I began to feel the effects.

Despite all of this, I had an amazing postpartum experience with a very chill baby whom I felt so attuned to and present with. Matrescence truly allowed me to rewire so many parts of myself that felt I needed to do more all the time. It slowed me down in so many beautiful ways; it reconnected me with my intuition on such a deeper level. But it stretched me in other ways, like in my health. This has been a 3-year journey of navigating and healing.

Like any perfectionist, I believed I could use this to my advantage with my healing journey. I was doing everything “right” to take care of my health over the years and get answers, except for truly looking at my emotions and my capacity. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I couldn’t just supplement my way into feeling better.

And if I’m being honest, parts of me still did this with motherhood. I was constantly making sure I was regulated and calm so I could be a “good” mom. But for me, the regulation piece is harder with my conditions. I thought I had motherhood figured out, and then my daughter became a toddler. Her true emotions really shone, which caused a whole slew of flares and symptoms for me. Including my more recent one, histamine, which causes me to itch uncontrollably and is worse with stress.

Having a baby was one thing, and I felt like I could control it. I was in charge of our schedule, her naps, and what our days looked like. But then she became an actual person who pushed boundaries and became autonomous.

Having a toddler who is strong-willed and also sensory seeking is not for the weak, which, as a HSP, I am. It requires so much more energy and attunement. And while I know this may be her temperament and out of my control, I tried to control it by doing more. More regulation on myself, more grounding, more healing. It became exhausting.

I started to actually allow myself to feel what was coming up for me and own this reality; it was hard. That even though I had tools to regulate myself, she was a lot. That radical honesty without shame changed a lot for me. I realized that after months of being a SAHM (while also working), I couldn’t do this anymore. Add getting pregnant to the mix. I finally got some help after waiting way too long, and I signed her up for camp.

I got really honest about the fact that I need support. Which means sometimes I don’t want family time on the weekend, I want to rest. Some weekends I need to be in my own energy and take a whole day for myself, which thankfully my husband knows and encourages. On other weekends, we will go to my mom’s to get extra support so we can both sleep and get rest.

I know this has become a lot about my personal health journey; however, I think it’s relevant as more and more people are being diagnosed with COVID long-haul and hormone conditions and things that affect the nervous system, like histamine. I may do another post just on this topic for those interested, but I do feel that it’s important to share the context since a lot of women do get sick after being postpartum. I also want to share this because it may help someone with these symptoms to find answers. The only reason I got my POTS and hEDS diagnosis was that a friend who follows me and my health journey told me about this and changed my life.

Tools to build my capacity

• I wake up before her (not every day but most) because if I don’t, I am not the grounded version I want to be. Even if it’s only 10 minutes before to do a quick meditation in bed, I know this is a controversial one because I get how hard it is. I am NOT a morning person who loves sleep, and it takes a lot out of me, especially when pregnant. But I also know the version of me that gets that extra sleep isn’t the same as the one who gets some alone time. I’m actually writing this while she’s sleeping because it’s the one time I can focus.

• I start mornings very slowly for both of us, easing into the day. I’ll put on my nervous system regulation playlist or frequency music to feel grounded before being overstimulated by her music/tonies. I’m a little nervous about how this transition will go once she has to be in camp/school by 8:45 and I have a newborn…

• I have become very attuned with my own capacity and window of tolerance. When it’s small, I know I am easily triggered, and her big energy feels harder to manage. Which is why I love using programs like The Reconnected App and their courses. Their breathwork helps me tremendously.

• I do JournalSpeak daily. I wasn’t consistent for a while, and once I started implementing it every day, my energy and my health shifted. I’ve felt way less symptomatic and way less reactive.

• I tell my daughter when I need time and when I’m overwhelmed. I don’t hide it and try to push through, especially since being pregnant. I have told her when I need to be on the couch more while playing, and I have leaned more on screentime here and there to support me.

• I listen to calming music in the car when my daughter triggers me, and I need to reset. I let her see my inner self in this state without hiding the feelings coming up.

• I take sanctuary showers, which are my time to reset. I’ll go in the shower after bedtime with the lights off and a candle or my circadian rhythm-friendly night light, and allow the energy from the day to come off of me.

• I use these loop earplugs when there's too much noise, and I need to regulate myself. I honestly thought it was so weird at first when I heard about this, but it actually helps to quiet the noise, so I don’t get too overstimulated.

• I still get acupuncture regularly to help balance my Qi and ensure my body functions optimally. It makes such a difference in my mood and energy.

• I do activities that I want to do with my daughter, and I honor my energy each day. I don’t have us signed up for specific classes on an ongoing schedule; I listen to my body and what I need. When I do take her to indoor spaces or classes, I make sure they aren’t too overstimulating for either of us. My environment is everything; I need to feel good in it, or I won’t be my best self.

• I prioritize a whole food, balanced diet. I, of course, indulge in sweets and snacks daily, but I also focus on balancing my blood sugar, eating consistently daily, and making sure I eat high-quality food that makes me feel good.

• I keep the lights off all day and prioritize natural light, even when cooking dinner. We have these lights in our kitchen that I use at night, and we use circadian rhythm lighting in our home.

• I use red light therapy religiously for my health and nervous system. I even use it on my daughter. Use code Alyssab for 15% off.

• I do somatic healing through courses and platforms. Some of my go-tos are The Workout Witch and TBM. I am starting EMDR soon, which is something I have been exploring for years and haven’t found one in my network till now.

• Daily deposits to my own sensory cup. I need to take time for myself and my needs, even if it’s 10 minutes,

Nervous system tools, when dysregulated

• Cold water on wrists or face — activates the dive reflex, genuinely slows heart rate

• Long slow exhale — longer out than in. The exhale activates your parasympathetic system

• Feet flat on the floor, press down — grounds your nervous system fast

• Humming or singing quietly — vagus nerve regulation, sounds silly, works

• Stepping outside for 30 seconds — environmental shift breaks the stress loop

Taking time for myself is not a luxury; it’s everything. It’s vital to how I function and, in turn, how my whole house feels. I don’t do any of this perfectly or balanced; it’s a non-linear journey that has taken years of trial and error. I still am navigating it all with a toddler, and I’m sure it will change as we expand our family, and my capacity needs to expand with it.

Raising a highly sensitive child is the most beautiful and most exhausting combination there is. I feel everything she feels. Which makes me the most attuned mother for her... and the most depleted. The goal isn’t to feel less, it’s to build just enough capacity that you can stay present through the wave.

Alyssa describes something in her essay that many parents quietly recognize but rarely say out loud: the particular exhaustion of being a deeply feeling person in charge of a high-energy child. The noise, the movement, the relentlessness. The way your nervous system seems to register all of it at double volume. The guilt that follows when you wonder whether your sensitivity is the problem.

It isn’t. And there is a substantial body of neuroscience to explain why. What Alyssa is navigating is not a personal failing — it is the intersection of two distinct nervous system profiles, complicated further by one of the most profound neurobiological transitions a human body can undergo. Understanding that intersection changes everything, not because it makes the loud days quieter, but because it gives you somewhere to stand when things get hard.

First: What Is a Highly Sensitive Nervous System, Exactly?

Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) is a well-established personality trait, first formally identified by psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron in 1997 and now studied extensively across multiple countries and disciplines. Between 20 and 30 percent of the general population score high on measures of SPS — making it common, if not universal, and distributed roughly equally across genders.

The trait is not a diagnosis. It is not anxiety, and it is not a disorder. What it represents, at the neurological level, is a measurable difference in how the brain processes information.

In practice, this doesn’t show up as abstract brain activity. It shows up like this: things feel louder, faster, more intense — and they reach the point of overwhelm more quickly.

Neuroimaging research — the work of Michael Pluess at Queen Mary University of London and Francesca Lionetti at G d’Annunzio University — shows that people high in SPS display heightened activation in several key brain regions in response to emotional stimuli:

The amygdala — the brain’s threat-detection and emotional processing centre — responds with greater intensity. The insula — responsible for interoceptive awareness, the conscious reading of internal bodily signals — is more responsive, contributing to a heightened awareness of both physical and emotional states. And the anterior cingulate cortex, involved in attention, decision-making, and emotion regulation, shows enhanced activity — helping explain the deep processing and tendency toward rumination that many highly sensitive people recognise in themselves. This is why the same moment that feels manageable to someone else can feel like too much, too fast, for you.

In a 2014 fMRI study by Bianca Acevedo and colleagues, participants who scored high on the HSP scale showed significantly stronger brain activation in regions associated with awareness, empathy, and action planning when viewing emotionally charged images — including strangers’ faces expressing happiness. This wasn’t subjective reporting; it was visible in the brain. In everyday life, this is what it feels like when everything tips from manageable to overwhelming faster than you expected.

The highly sensitive brain is not being dramatic. It is doing more processing, more of the time.

A 2019 review by Greven, Lionetti, Pluess, and colleagues across institutions, including Oxford, Queen Mary London, and Radboud University, confirmed that SPS is heritable (around 42% in twin studies), evolutionarily conserved across species, and best understood as a for-better-and-for-worse trait: high sensitivity amplifies both positive and negative environmental inputs. Good conditions become better; challenging conditions become harder.

Research has also refined our picture of what SPS looks like internally. Factor analyses suggest three dimensions: Ease of Excitation (being quickly overwhelmed by stimuli), Low Sensory Threshold (heightened sensitivity to subtle environmental input), and Aesthetic Sensitivity (deep responsiveness to art, music, beauty, and positive stimuli). A person can be high on one dimension and moderate on another — which is why the experience of high sensitivity looks different from person to person.

If you want to understand your own sensitivity profile, the research team behind much of this work has made a validated self-test freely available at: https://sensitivityresearch.com/self-tests

Orchids, Dandelions, Tulips — and the Gene That Started It All

The floral metaphor Alyssa draws on in her essay has a specific scientific origin — and it comes from Scandinavia.

In 2005, human development researchers W. Thomas Boyce (then at Berkeley) and Bruce Ellis (University of Arizona) published a landmark paper titled Biological sensitivity to context, in which they borrowed two pieces of Swedish idiom to describe a phenomenon they had been observing in child development data: maskrosbarn — dandelion children — and orkidebarn — orchid children.

The concept was not simply that some children were more fragile than others. What was genuinely new — and what made the paper’s reception within developmental psychology something close to electric — was the double-edged nature of the orchid child’s sensitivity. These were not just vulnerable children. They were children whose outcomes were exquisitely responsive to the quality of their environment, in both directions. In conditions of neglect, the orchid declines. In conditions of support and nurture, it becomes something striking.

In everyday life, this is what it can look like: one child thriving under the same conditions that overwhelm another.

Subsequent research began to look for the genetic architecture underneath this pattern. Danielle Dick and colleagues studied a gene called CHRM2, linked to learning, memory, and behavioral outcomes. In a study of more than 400 children tracked from kindergarten through adolescence, they found something consistent with the orchid model: the same genetic variant that, combined with poor parental monitoring, produced the worst outcomes — aggression, delinquency, substance use — also combined with attentive, engaged parenting to produce the best outcomes.

The gene was not coding for harm. It was coding for sensitivity to context. Which means the same child can struggle in one environment and thrive in another.

This is the science behind what Alyssa observed intuitively: her daughter’s confidence and expressiveness are not incidental to the security of her caregiving relationship. They are, at least in part, a function of it.

In 2018, Lionetti, Pluess, and colleagues added a third category to the model. A large latent class analysis revealed not two groups but three: high-sensitive orchids (around 31%), low-sensitive dandelions (around 29%), and a middle group — roughly 40% of the population — they named tulips. Most people, in other words, are somewhere in the middle. But for those in the orchid range — parents and children alike — the environment matters more.

A Note on Where This Research Is Being Read

There is something quietly significant about the fact that the scientific vocabulary for all of this — maskrosbarn, orkidebarn — comes from Sweden. The Scandinavian framing was not accidental. It emerged from a cultural context that has, for decades, taken seriously the idea that the quality of a child’s environment shapes who they become.

I moved here from California, and the contrast is not subtle. You feel it immediately — in how children are responded to, and in how much support parents are expected to have. Sweden’s approach to early childhood — the förskola system, the pedagogical philosophy embedded in publicly funded childcare, the attention to child wellbeing as a policy-level concern rather than a parental-level responsibility — reflects a collective understanding that children’s nervous systems are shaped by their environments, and that this shaping matters enough to structure society around. This matters especially for sensitive children.

What this body of research shows — across genetics, psychology, and neuroscience — is that sensitivity is not a problem to be managed. It is a trait that responds more strongly to context. And that makes the quality of that context matter more, not less.

And Then Motherhood Rewires the Brain

Here is what much of the conversation about sensitive parenting overlooks: the nervous system a highly sensitive mother brings to parenting is not the nervous system she had before becoming a mother.

Matrescence — the transition into motherhood — is now understood as a genuine neurodevelopmental stage, comparable in scope to adolescence. It involves hormonal shifts, structural brain changes, and cognitive reorganisation.

A 2017 study by Hoekzema and colleagues found that pregnancy produces reductions in grey matter volume in specific regions linked to social cognition. These changes are not losses — they are specialization. The brain becomes more precisely tuned for caregiving.

For a highly sensitive mother, this matters. Systems that were already responsive are now further amplified. Which means the threshold for overwhelm can drop — even if nothing around you has changed.

Layer onto that the reality of early parenthood: more to track, more emotional demands, less sleep, and higher baseline stress. The cognitive and emotional load increases at the same time the brain is in a heightened state of plasticity.

This is why the overwhelm can feel like it arrives suddenly — even when nothing about the situation seems new.

This is a sensitive period in the developmental sense. Support has amplified effects. So does its absence.

What This Means for the Sensitive Mother in Practice

What Alyssa describes — the sensory mismatch, the guilt, the quiet erosion — is not happening outside of science. It is exactly what science would predict.

Two nervous systems with different input needs, sharing the same space, during a period of major neurological change.

Once you see it this way, a few things shift:

When everything feels like too much, it’s not that you don’t know how to regulate — it’s that your system is already at capacity.

Naming the mismatch reduces shame. This is not “too much child” or “too sensitive parent.” It is two different systems interacting under load.

Support is not a luxury here. Highly sensitive individuals tend to be more affected by their environments, which means rest, help, quiet, and reduced input have a disproportionately large impact.

The early years are genuinely intense. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means the system is carrying a lot.

A Different Kind of Strength

There is a version of the highly sensitive parent narrative that positions sensitivity as something to be managed or worked around. That framing misses something important.

A nervous system that registers the world at higher resolution, that processes more deeply and responds with greater empathy — this is not a flaw. It is an evolved strategy.

In parenting, when that system has enough support beneath it, it produces something children need deeply: attunement. Not perfection. Not endless patience. But the ability to notice, respond, and repair.

The goal is not to become less sensitive. It never was. It is to build the conditions in which your sensitivity becomes a resource rather than a cost.

Nothing is wrong with you.
This is what your nervous system looks like under load.

Manuela R. Kouakou writes about what actually happens in your brain under stress — and how to work with it.

This piece draws on research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and environmental sensitivity.

References

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M. D., Collins, N., & Brown, L. L. (2014). The highly sensitive brain: An fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4(4), 580–594.

Aron, E. N., & Aron, A. (1997). Sensory-processing sensitivity and its relation to introversion and emotionality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 345–368.

Boyce, W. T., & Ellis, B. J. (2005). Biological sensitivity to context: An evolutionary-developmental theory of stress reactivity. Development and Psychopathology, 17(2), 271–301.

Greven, C. U., Lionetti, F., Pluess, M., et al. (2019). Sensory Processing Sensitivity in the context of Environmental Sensitivity: A critical review. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 98, 287–305.

Hoekzema, E., et al. (2017). Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Nature Neuroscience, 20(2), 287–296.

Lionetti, F., Aron, A., Aron, E. N., et al. (2018). Dandelions, tulips and orchids. Translational Psychiatry, 8(1), 24.

Orchard, E. R., Rutherford, H. J. V., Holmes, A. J., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). Matrescence: Lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 27(3), 302–316.

The first year of my daughter’s life was pretty much a breeze. I thought I had the whole motherhood thing down pat. Aside from some sleep issues, she was a chill, happy, easy baby. She rarely cried, she was soothed easily, and I thought I had won the parenting lottery.

Before you roll your eyes at me… it did eventually hit me. Around 18 months later, her personality started to shine. I loved watching her blossom into her own, and I also thought this was just a stage that would pass like everything else.

Little did I know that this was the start of me raising a high-energy, sensory-seeking child who is what society calls “wild” or “feral.” When I pictured myself having a girl, I thought she would be calm, maybe even a little shy. I mean, we’re both Virgo girls, and from what my mom told me about my own upbringing, this was me.

But at the same time, I knew she was full of confidence and authenticity. Most of all, I knew she felt secure and safe to express herself this way. I’m not here for the weird fixation our society has on creating independent babies. However, I do see a correlation between her secure attachment and her independence and fearlessness.

I remember before she turned two, I posted a story about her climbing on her own into a little bookshelf and also getting herself safely out of it. Someone messaged me and said something along the lines of, “You are doing an amazing job, I can tell by how confident she feels to do that. She trusts that she will be ok because she knows she is safe.” Since then, I have watched this energy continue to take over. It’s in everyday moments of defiance. She doesn’t like her hand held, she would run away fully if I let her, she is so sure of herself and determined. I’m sure her Taurus rising has a lot to do with this.

At the same time, witnessing how alive and expressive she is, it’s also incredibly hard and overwhelming for my sensitive nervous system. And this is something I haven’t seen talked about enough, especially in motherhood spaces that focus so much on behavior, but not the body underneath it.

Because what I’ve started to realize, through my own experience and the research I’ve done, is that a lot of this energy is sensory-driven. I worked with Emily Schlicht, PT, DPT, Dynamic Movement Intervention (DMI) Therapist, Trained in Bodywork for Babies, when my daughter was born, and again before she turned two so that I could understand her sensory needs.

Some children have what’s called a sensory-seeking nervous system. Which means they need more input than other kids to feel balanced.

This can look like:

• constant movement

• crashing, jumping, climbing

• touching everything, hugging tightly

• switching quickly between activities

• difficulty sitting still

Not because they’re dysregulated in a “bad” way, but because their body is trying to get regulated

Highly sensitive moms understand this

“If you’re a highly sensitive mother, you were probably told your whole life that you felt too much. Too emotional. Too reactive. Too easily overwhelmed. Too intense. Then you have a child — and suddenly you were expected to regulate their nervous system while yours was already running at capacity.” — I love these words by .

For me, as a Reflector in human design, who has a more sensitive, easily overwhelmed nervous system, my body is quietly asking for: less noise, less touch, and more space for my own energy. As a hypervigilant human, I have lived on high alert pretty much my whole life. Always scanning for danger and possible threats. Being her primary caretaker and SAHM for the last 6 months has increased this overstimulating pattern.

It can feel very isolating and lonely, especially when your parents always make comments about it. Saying, “she’s so much, you were never this wild.” My daughter isn’t only this way with me; it’s almost every caretaker. It’s also hard to see your friends children who seem to be way more “regulated” and calm. Like everything in my motherhood journey so far, I’ve tried to not compare my experience with other people.

Emily has created information for my community that I thought would be helpful to share here.

About our Sensory Systems:

• Sensory Input: the body’s ability to acknowledge auditory, visual, tactile, smell, and taste

• Sensory Processing: our ability to take in and organize sensory information

• Sensory Integration: our ability to utilize the information we have processed to carry out tasks

Other inputs that play a role in our sensory systems:

• Proprioception tells us where our bodies are in space. This also allows us to determine how much or little force we are putting forth. This is closely tied to tactile input that we receive throughout the day.

• The vestibular system tells us when to move our bodies or make adjustments to maintain our balance and keep our trunk and head upright. This is closely tied to the auditory and visual input that we receive throughout the day.

How does this affect our nervous systems?

• When your body is constantly in fight or flight mode, or is constantly receiving negative and overwhelming sensory input, the brain cannot possibly be expected to process sensory input ‘appropriately.’

How can you help yourself and your child be attuned to sensory input around you?

• First, you want to identify if you/your child is hypersensitive or hypo sensitive to input. You may be hypersensitive to one thing but hyposensitive to another. A common analogy to describe this is your “cup size”.

• Imagine your threshold for noise is the smallest size cup; you will become overwhelmed by noise easily, and your cup will ‘overflow’. However, say your threshold for tactile input is the largest size cup, then you will constantly be seeking deep pressure or touch to feel satiated.

• Next, identify ways to either avoid overwhelming your/your child’s system if you/they are hypersensitive to something or provide extra input to your/your child’s system if you/they are hyposensitive to something.

Who can I lean on for help?

Physical or occupational therapists are skilled in identifying sensory preferences in adults and children. I want to preface that your typical outpatient orthopedic physical therapist will likely not complete a sensory assessment. You want to find a therapist with a background in sensory processing.

The shift for me: stop trying to calm her, start filling her sensory cup

I learned that my daughter is hypo sensitive to sensory input, so doing things to help support this is everything. (also called under-responsive sensory processing), which means: her nervous system needs more intensity, more movement, more input to feel regulated and “awake.”

Her cup that starts the day half empty, if it doesn’t get filled intentionally, she will try to fill it all day in chaotic ways.

1. Heavy work = the most regulating type of input for her nervous system

• pushing a laundry basket

• carrying groceries

• climbing

• pulling things

• helping move objects

This grounds their body way more than quiet play

2. Intentional crashing + jumping

Instead of stopping it, give it structure:

• pillow pile on the floor

• “jumping spot” on the couch

• obstacle courses

3. Deep pressure (this is HUGE)

• tight hugs (if they seek them)

• “squeeze games” (gently pressing arms/legs) - I do this before bd

• wrapping in a blanket like a burrito

• sitting in your lap with pressure

4. Movement before expectations

Before asking them to sit or listen, give 5–10 minutes of intense movement

5. Keep language short + physical

Their brain is driven by sensation, not long explanations

Instead of repeating: “stop, don’t do that.”

Use:

• gentle physical redirection

• short phrases

• consistent tone

6. Rhythm > control

You will feel less crazy when your day has:

movement → calm activity → movement → rest

Instead of trying to hold them in one state all day.

I also love this guide from Cassie Coach, which has really helped me. She says “Sensory cues of “safety” to your little one, activates the calming branch of their nervous system (called the “ventral vagal”), which helps to regulate them. Both with big feelings and wild/hyper energy.” Whenever my daughter is in the “going up” phase, I try to support her before she gets too dysregulated through one of the activities.

The Mother Frequency shift

Because I talk a lot about the nervous system and how our child will often mirror our state, I also have felt trapped in this. Because instead of seeing her clearly,
I was constantly trying to fix myself.

Thinking:

Is this my fault?
Is she like this because of me?

When I looked at it as two different nervous systems with opposite needs interacting all day and learning to understand how her nervous system processes the world, things began to feel lighter.

Instead of trying to change her behavior directly, I ask, “How do I help her nervous system feel organized?” Because once her body feels more regulated, her behavior will naturally shift.

Connection with yourself + your child

When our children trigger us, we avoid because of our own protective parts, which often means shutting down our children’s expression. But when we can reconnect with ourselves and our own inner child, we can have space for our children. When we can sit with our own emotions, we can increase tolerance for theirs. Connected play is a chance to repair times we didn’t meet them fully. It becomes an opportunity to heal these ruptures. I learned all about this in Reconnected Parenting; they have amazing mini courses like this one for parenting strong-willed children coming up this weekend. But their course has changed my life so much.

Something I have noticed is that when I am more present with her and less distracted, my capacity to hold her energy is bigger, and she doesn’t seem as persistent in getting my attention.

At the same time, I’ve had to be honest about my own capacity. Because this kind of energy, all day, can be incredibly overstimulating for me. And when my nervous system gets overwhelmed, I can feel myself start to shut down… or react in ways that don’t feel aligned.

So this has also become about supporting my nervous system. Creating space where I can, stepping away when I need to, letting go of the idea that I have to hold it all, all the time. Because the goal isn’t to be perfectly regulated. It’s to have the capacity to meet her without abandoning myself in the process.

This means doing what I need each given day based on my energy. If I feel at a higher capacity, I may be able to take on more input, like going to a fun class for her. Other days, it might mean staying home all morning and having a more chill day. I have become way more attuned with my energy and when not to do something that will overstimulate me more.

My husband works at an office all week in the city, so weekends are such a great way for us to spend time as a family, but also a chance for me to recharge my own energy. My husband encourages me to do what I want with my time, whether it’s getting acupuncture, getting my eyebrows done, or simply sleeping in.

Not having help felt like a badge of honor, like I can do it myself, I can be the SAHM for my daughter, but I realized after months of living this way, it’s not what’s best for either of our energies. She cannot thrive if I am at my capacity and unable to be my best self.

Taking breaks isn’t a privilege. Sacrificing your needs doesn’t make you a better mom.
And ignoring your own emotional capacity doesn’t make you more available; it actually takes you further away.

Supporting your child’s nervous system also means supporting your own. Because the version of you that has space, energy, and capacity, that’s the version your child actually gets to feel.

I’m learning that regulation isn’t about eliminating her intensity. It’s about learning how to hold it. To support her sensory needs, and to honor my own nervous system alongside hers.

The goal was never to raise a child who is smaller, quieter, or easier to manage.

It’s to raise a child who can be fully expressed in who they are, with a mother who feels safe enough to be fully herself, too.

There’s science to support this.

A child’s brain doesn’t develop through perfect behavior or constant calm. It develops through repeated experiences of co-regulation and repair. It’s not about getting it right every time, but about creating enough moments where her body feels supported,
and enough moments where mine does too.

She doesn’t need a perfectly regulated mother. She needs a mother who can stay connected, who can repair, and who feels safe in her own body so her child can feel safe in hers.

Here’s to allowing our wild little children to be their authentic selves, while also imposing boundaries that help our own nervous system needs. These kids are going to be incredible leaders one day because we’re nurturing them. Just remember, they chose you as their mom to hold their bigness because they know you can, even when it’s hard.

If you’re feeling called to understand the good mom archetype and how to align more with your energy, join my free workshop on Sunday, April 12th. There will be a replay available if you can’t attend it live.

Resources

Kearney BE, Lanius RA. The brain-body disconnect: A somatic sensory basis for trauma-related disorders. Front Neurosci. 2022 Nov 21;16:1015749. doi: 10.3389/fnins.2022.1015749. PMID: 36478879; PMCID: PMC9720153.

Child Sensory Profile 2 Caregiver Questionnaire 3:0 years to 14:11 years. Winnie Dunn, PhD, OTR, FAOTA

Image: Jane Birkin with her daughter, photographer Kate Barry

I went into my daughter’s second birthday, refusing to let the fear around the “terrible 2’s” shape how I saw this stage.

For the most part, I’ve been lucky with little to no major tantrums. Maybe it’s her personality, maybe it’s the emotional regulation work I am constantly doing to make our space and life intentional, maybe it’s because I focus on low screentime and balanced meals for her. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I do believe nurture has a lot to do with it. Trust me, I am far from a perfect parent, and that’s not the point of this message.

She may not be big with tantrums, but I definetely have a defiant, strong-willed child. Which can be extremely dysregulating and can feel like I did something wrong. I’ve read all the books, taken all the parenting courses, and know how to support regulation. But it doesn’t matter, no matter how much work I’ve done, she is who she is. This is what we call temperament.

I didn’t know what kind of mom I would be. And although I have friends who parent differently from me, I have always done what is aligned and best for me, not others. I’ve always marched to my own drum when it comes to milestones and life choices. And motherhood was no different.

I married my high school sweetheart, even though everyone I knew in college was hooking up with people and “experiencing life”, telling me I would miss out. I decided to take my business and passion into consulting and creating for the last 10 years, even though my family didn’t understand why I couldn’t just get a 9-5 and be “stable.” And from the moment I became a mother, I did what I thought was best for her and me, regardless of what moms in a group did or the internet told me to do.

I learned pretty quickly in my postpartum journey about nurturing babies’ brains and the importance of the first 3 years of life. As someone whose parents were divorced after her first birthday, I know what that has done to my level of feeling safe. Regardless of how much my parents love me. I know my parents did forms of CIO, as did many parents then. And I know that over the years, I dimmed my light to please others or to fit in.

I know, based on my own childhood, I was a strong-willed child. My mom even took a class about raising highly spirited children. I was defiant in many ways, but I also don’t know if my Mom knew how to handle it based on her own nervous system capacity, while going through a divorce, remarriage, and blending families. She did the best she could.

I do believe my upbringing and my own nervous system picked up a belief that it’s not safe to be this big. Yes, I still have strong parts of me that very much want my way, but I also believe over the years, it’s what made me a Type A, high-achieving (often people-pleasing) person. You can read more about that and how motherhood shifted me here. With greater awareness, I feel I have a duty to parent in a way aligned with my values and the kind of life I want for my daughter. Given how I always felt “too much” while simultaneously "not enough”, I never want my daughter to feel that.

I always pictured myself having a daughter. When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I imagined a quiet little girl who would be calm. I had no idea I’d be handed a wild child who is fierce and full of energy. Sometimes, it’s a bit overwhelming for my nervous system, especially as the primary caretaker most days of the week. You can read what it’s like being a highly sensitive mom raising a high-energy seeking toddler here.

Every time I feel like she’s “too much,” I pause and reframe it, for her and for me. I talk about a lot here about how our child will express what we don’t feel safe to. And often, their big feelings and emotions don’t feel safe because we weren’t allowed to express ourselves so freely.

It’s my number one mission to let her be her authentic self, while still holding boundaries. Which is something I didn’t learn growing up. “No” was not a word I heard often, and if I did, I would throw a tantrum to get my way out of it. Probably due to divorce guilt. But I knew that I didn’t want that for her; I wanted to be a conscious parent, but also one who understands boundaries and how to create a resilient child. Who would one day have to deal with disappointment and hear the word no.

When we talk about breaking patterns, it’s not about becoming a perfect parent who never messes up. That’s not reality, and that’s actually not what your child needs. They need to see you as human, to not always be attuned to them, and to reconnect with them when you make a mistake. When I think about what it means for me, it comes down to allowing my daughter to be her authentic self. To not let my beliefs or patterns get in the way of who she is.

Becoming an attuned parent does not make me a perfect one. I had to ditch that belief pretty early on when I realized my striving part wouldn’t last very long in motherhood. But there is something to becoming attuned to your child’s needs. It takes a presence that requires you to slow down and notice.

It’s so easy to live on autopilot, to live in constant survival mode, not look at your patterns, and keep repeating a protective behavior you picked up to keep you safe. It’s harder to actually do the work to change, to break free from the conditioning that is keeping you stuck, and the life you think you “should have” instead of the life you really desire.

Every time someone comments about my daughter being in the terrible 2s or “just wait till she’s a threenager,” my skin crawls, and I get infuriated. These developmental stages need a rebrand. Instead of labeling them as bad behavior, why aren’t we giving our children the benefit of the doubt? They are tiny humans learning how the world works for the first time, navigating big emotions that their brains aren’t able to process yet.

Instead of making this time feel like it’s out of our control and something we have to “accept”, why aren’t we talking about tools for how to navigate their big emotions? Of course, it’s going to feel helpless and hard when it feels like it’s this scary, unavoidable thing.

I’m not saying my daughter doesn’t have meltdowns. I can count 3 just in the last few days, and as she’s getting older, I see her become more assertive. Maybe I just have been doing this work for too long, but I try to look at it through her lens. When she’s yelling at me, “don’t do that” or “stop doing that”, I see her trying to learn how to use her voice to express a need and assert a boundary. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to take her out of a dangerous situation or let her rule my life. But I take the extra minutes to co-regulate with her and explain why I am doing something. I try not to get into the energy with her, and instead, I become the rock she can feel safe to trust and lean on.

And that sounds beautiful, but the truth is, it’s not always easy to be that. It requires me to notice when my own nervous system is getting activated, when I feel the urge to control, to rush, to shut it down, to make the moment stop instead of moving through it.

It’s not just about raising a child. It’s about meeting every version of yourself that has learned how to stay safe in a different way.

The part of me that wants things to be perfect.
The part of me that feels overwhelmed when there’s too much noise or chaos.
The part of me that didn’t always feel safe to express exactly how I felt.

Motherhood reveals all of the parts we didn’t get to experience or express. Tantrums we weren’t allowed to have. The times we were not responded to or told to stop crying.

This is where I think we need to shift the conversation. It’s not about pretending these stages are easy. It’s about understanding them differently. I still have moments where I feel overstimulated, impatient, and at capacity. i.e., when my daughter is melting down about her sandwich not being cut the way she wanted.

Maybe it’s not about avoiding the “terrible 2’s.” Maybe it’s about creating an environment where our children don’t have to disconnect from themselves to feel safe. And where we learn not to disconnect from ourselves, who never got what we needed.

This isn’t just about raising emotionally secure children. It’s about becoming the kind of person who can hold emotion, yours and theirs, without needing to shut it down.

It’s about creating a home where feelings don’t feel like a threat.
Where your child doesn’t have to wonder if they are “too much.”

That doesn’t come from having a perfectly behaved toddler. It comes from a regulated presence that your child can borrow safety from while they’re still learning how to find it within themselves.

It’s about the emotional environment you create. The way you respond, the way you repair, and the way you hold yourself when things feel hard. Because, as we know, our child mirrors our nervous system.

I’m not afraid of the “terrible 2’s.” I’m aware of them and my own need for regulation.

What actually helps me during tantrums (and why it works)

This is what I come back to in the moments that feel hard:

Less is more

• When she’s overwhelmed, I use fewer words and simple, grounded phrases like “I know” or “you’re upset.” Because her brain isn’t looking for an explanation, it’s looking for safety.

Connection before correction

• I don’t jump straight to fixing the behavior. I connect with what she is feeling or expressing. When she feels understood, everything softens from there.

Regulate in real time

• I notice my body before I react. Because if I escalate, the moment escalates.
  She is leaning on me to co-regulate with her, not to make her feel even more overwhelmed.

Naming the experience

• I put words to what she’s feeling, like “that felt frustrating.”
  It helps her make sense of what’s happening inside her and also builds her frustration tolerance.

Check the basics

• I check in with where she’s at. Is she hungry, tired, overstimulated, or too many transitions?

Firm, but soft

• I hold the boundary without hardening my energy.
  “I’m not leaving, but I won’t let you hit.”

Yes instead of no

• Toddlers don’t understand the word no or what we don’t want them to do. Instead, I give her what I want her to do. Example: if she’s jumping on the couch, I say couches are for sitting.

They are good kids having a bad moment.

I recently saw Dr. Becky at an in-person event where she talked about this and her platform, Good Inside. A reminder to us all that they aren’t bad kids, they just are having bad moments.

The more I can control my reaction and be a model for her, the easier it becomes.

I constantly come back to the fact that if I’m not a regulated person, I can’t expect her to be. I must do the work to model what I expect of her. Because they rely so heavily on co-regulation, it’s my job to make sure I am working on this constantly. It’s not a one-and-done kind of thing. It’s a practice I constantly do to support my capacity and increase my ventral vagal state.

Something we have started doing together and implementing early on is breathing. I give her examples like blowing out a candle or blowing on something hot. I find this especially helpful when she’s overwhelmed or refusing to potty, but I know she has to. I love this book, which has so many fun ways to teach breathwork from a young age. But this is something that takes a lot of repetition, not something they will get right away. We must have listened to Daniel Tiger so many times until one day she was feeling frustrated and sang the song “If you’re feeling mad, take a deep breath and count to 4.”

I learned this from an amazing coach who teaches all about regulation through play and sensory support. “It takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain, but in play, it only takes about 10-20.”

My daughter tends to run away from us and get too independent. I started implementing red light/green light. Since this is still new for her, it’s taking time to understand and to get what it means, but I don’t give up. I also prompt her before we go somewhere that rules are required. For example, before we go into a store, I now ask her the rules. And she tells me: “No running, listening ears on, have fun.”

She still doesn’t always listen to the rules, even if she knows them. That’s something I am constantly working on with her. It’s my way of setting the stage with her, before I am overstimulated.

I do this work because I know the importance of emotional regulation and secure attachment. You can read more about it here in my interview with an emotional trauma therapist.

My daughter having fewer meltdowns is not a reflection of me doing something “better,” and a child having more tantrums is not a reflection of something being done wrong. Every child has a different temperament, different sensitivities, and different needs. What I’m speaking to is not control or perfection. When I work on my own regulation, it helps me show up with more presence and capacity for the moments when she does get upset, but it doesn’t determine my child’s behavior. This isn’t about being a perfectly regulated mom or eliminating hard moments, it’s about having the awareness and tools to stay connected, to ourselves and to our child, even when things feel overwhelming.

Mantras I come back to when things feel hard:

• She’s not giving me a hard time; she’s having a hard time

• She is the child, I am the adult. It’s my job to lead.

• This is developmentally normal

• I have the capacity to regulate no matter what.

• I don’t have to manage everyone’s emotions. I just have to be in charge of myself.

This stage isn’t just shaping my daughter. It’s reshaping my connection to my own inner child’s needs.

It’s asking me to slow down and to stay present when it would be easier to disconnect.

That’s the part we don’t talk about enough. These moments aren’t just about our children learning how to feel; they’re about us learning how to hold it. And in doing that, we start giving ourselves the support we never had.

Maybe it’s not about avoiding the “terrible 2’s.” Maybe it’s about becoming the kind of person who can stay present inside of them. Because this isn’t just about raising a child. It’s about unlearning everything that taught you to disconnect from yourself.

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, or constantly second-guessing yourself. Or you’re trying to “do it right,” but it never feels like enough, then you should join the upcoming free Good Mom Reset.

You’ll learn:

• The “good mom” archetype (and why it keeps you stuck)

• Why trying harder isn’t making things feel easier

• How your unique design actually changes the way motherhood works for you

• Why awareness alone isn’t enough and what actually creates lasting shifts

This live workshop is on 4/12 with Erin Mathew, Human Design expert. There will be a recording if you cannot attend live.

You don’t need to try harder. You need a different way.

I saw a post about nervous system regulation and how we’ve become too soft as a society. I don’t disagree with it entirely, but it had me thinking about the ways we have shifted from one state to another. We didn’t heal from hustle culture; we just traded burnout for a quieter form of shutdown.

I believe as a society, we have collectively shifted into this state, post-pandemic. The way we work is simply different. We got a taste of being less productive, saying no more, and being disconnected from others. Instead of doing, we went to the opposite end. We turned to numbing and living in a dorsal vagal state. It felt easier on our nervous system to do less. But it’s just another form of dysregulation dressed up in a different outfit. And Motherhood pulled me further into this state.

The main problem I had with the post is that she is not a mother. I personally think if you’re not in motherhood, you don’t get to say what our nervous system regulation should look like.

Maybe it feels like all you’re hearing all about lately is nervous system regulation, and quite frankly, people don’t even know what it means. Maybe there is a big misunderstanding in the space, thinking we always need to be “regulated” to feel calm and that we can never be triggered or deal with stress, which is not the case. We can feel regulated and dysregulated throughout the day based on what our nervous system believes is a threat. I can even go through both states within one hour. It’s simply about not getting stuck in a state for too long.

I’ve lived with sympathetic nervous system dysregulation for almost my whole life. Aka, fight or flight. I was always “doing”, striving, and hustling, which is why I thrived in the girlboss era.

Post-college, this was the name of the game: working at a social media agency in NYC, where the mentality was similar to Gary Vaynerchuk's motto, and the office was in a WeWork, where the walls reminded me daily to “hustle harder.” Because if you’re not doing and producing, you feel worthless. KPI’s were measured in “likes” and “follows”, and if you weren’t growing, you weren’t working hard enough.

This way of living continued for years until I got so burnt out that I got fired from a job I stayed at way too long. The universe said, “If you’re not going to make a change, we’re doing it for you.” It was also around the time of my peak chronic illnesses, when I poured all of my Type A energy into “healing” and trying to figure out how to feel better.

Eventually, this led me to work for myself, which I have been doing for nearly a decade, and I have never looked back. But even when I was working less, I was still equating my success to my income and my growth. And if we’re being honest, my sympathetic nervous system thrived in this doing. But I now know it’s a protective part of me that started in early childhood, as do many of our protective parts.

Newsflash, we’re all probably dysregulated. Mainly because we don’t know how to find safety, and were never taught it. Our nervous system is really quite smart; its main and only job is to protect us. Somewhere along the way in our childhood, it didn’t feel safe, and protective parts started to form. It’s the most powerful function in our body to protect us against danger, even if in our present day, what we’re experiencing is not the same danger. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference, because it’s still operating from years of protection.

So even if you want to be seen and take up space now, if somewhere along the line it felt unsafe to do so, you will likely deal with limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors to try to protect yourself. But the best part of our nervous system, aside from being our biggest protector, is that it is adaptive, meaning it can change.

The goal, even if we don’t know it, is to be in our Ventral Vagal Complex, which means being regulated and feeling safe in the life we desire. However, we’re just told “get regulated”, “be calm”, “do less”, “live softer”, “slow down”.

I think a lot of us felt this shift post-pandemic, where we were almost so burnt out from being in a hustle mindset that we went to the complete opposite, we went from Sympathetic to Dorsal.

The Dorsal Vagal State comprises different states. Freeze falls within this state, and is when you have both sympathetic and dorsal. It’s a state a lot of us live in, and truthfully, probably more if you are neurodivergent, which I have never been diagnosed but suspect I am.

Most of us are living in a functional freeze, where we are in between the feeling of anxiety, yet stuck and overwhelmed, but paralyzed. I talk a lot about how motherhood shifted me from Type A to Type C.

The striving part of me finally felt like I didn’t need to work so hard to feel enough. Motherhood slowed me down and shifted me out of the overdoing and overachieving person I had been my whole life. But, with that came a new layer that peeled back, revealing other parts of me underneath. One protector (striving) → to another protector (shutdown/freeze). I believe Matrescence and motherhood can’t deal with the old “push through” strategy, so your nervous system shifts from overdrive into shutdown to protect your energy.

When I’m dysregulated, the state I feel the most is a freeze. I went from equating my success with how busy and productive I was…to the opposite end, where my slowness became the measure.

How calm I could stay.
How little I got triggered.
How “regulated” I could be as a mom.

But it became a new version of the same pattern. A quieter kind of fawn, where I was still performing, just this time as the “good,” calm, regulated mom. And that’s the part no one really talks about. That you can look calm on the outside and still be in a subtle form of dysregulation on the inside. I definetely still oscillate between both states based on what’s going on in my life.

From a nervous system perspective, freeze doesn’t actually feel like rest. It’s what happens when your system is overwhelmed and overloaded, but also too depleted to keep going. It’s when your body has one foot on the gas and one on the brake.

I took this quiz from To Be Magnetic, which said I am in The Frozen Visionary. My current core belief is “It’s not safe at the next level.” What I need is to stop trying to think my way through the glass ceiling and instead allow expansion to feel safe rather than threatening. “Self-awareness without regulation becomes self-sabotage.”

It shows up in different ways:

• overthinking, but can’t take action

• scrolling instead of doing what I want to do

• procrastinating on simple tasks

• forgetting to respond to someone and then feeling guilty, but letting it go on for weeks

• wanting to be more present, but not having the capacity

• thinking of business ideas and projects, but then getting overwhelmed and not following through with them

• Rewriting the same to-do list instead of actually completing a task and letting it sit for weeks

Freeze in motherhood doesn’t look like stopping; it looks like continuing while feeling completely disconnected from yourself.

You can be in all states simultaneously for different areas of your life. For example, at work you could be sympathetic and in your home/relationships you could be in dorsal. For me, this is still the case, but functional freeze is the main state I struggle with when dysregulated.

You’re not bad at managing the mental load; your system is overloaded by it. And instead of overachieving or pushing yourself through it, it becomes easier to numb out and dissociate for a bit.

The reason I talk so much about the nervous system is that, as mothers and even as humans, we share a household nervous system. We each feed off each other’s energy. You can be having a great day, and your partner could suddenly come home feeling off, and before you know it, you’re feeling dysregulated. Your nervous system detects a threat. Our children especially mirror our own nervous system state because they co-regulate with us, and their main goal is to connect with us. To bring us back into the present moment with them so they can feel safe.

What we suppress, our children often express.

So when they’re playing, being wild, or doing anything that feels like a threat to our nervous system, the result is to shut it down to protect us. Especially if we weren’t allowed to feel that as a child. However, children can also bring out the best in us. They are so magnetic and in tune with themselves; they don’t have protective parts yet.

They can bring out our Play (SNS) and our stillness (DSV) states. When they feel safe and in the presence of a regulated and attuned caretaker.

Play = Ventral + Sympathetic (SNS blend) → The nervous system is activated, but still feels safe

“I have energy, and I feel safe inside it” (this is regulated activation, not stress)

How it shows up in you:

• Feeling productive without pressure

• Moving through your day with momentum, but not urgency

• Engaging with your child, talking, playing, creating

• Feeling alive, present, and capable

Stillness = Ventral + Dorsal (DSV) in motherhood → This is rest without disconnection

“I can slow down and still feel like myself” (this is regulated rest, not freeze)

How it shows up in you:

• resting without guilt

• sitting with your child, slower moments feel okay

• being present without needing to “optimize” everything

• choosing ease without collapsing (regulated rest, safe slowing down)

When I’m regulated, I don’t just feel calm, I feel safe, safe to play, safe to slow down, safe to be present, safe to be fully myself.

When I say that they mirror our nervous system, it’s not to instill fear. It's not to make our striving parts feel like they need another thing to be perfect at, so they feel like we’re doing enough. It’s simple to understand and have awareness of your states because when you recognize them, you can change.

The truth is, our children are going to trigger us. They’re going to do something that causes our danger detector to go off and make us think their tantrum is just as severe as being chased by a bear. Our nervous system, while brilliant, doesn’t know the difference between something in the present and the past. It just remembers the feeling, so when you’re in that moment, you’re not actually there. So when something in the present feels familiar, your body can respond as if it’s happening again.

You might be standing in your kitchen…but your nervous system thinks you’re back in middle school, dealing with something that once felt overwhelming or unsafe.

That’s why your reaction can feel bigger than the moment. It’s not just about what’s happening now; it’s layered with what your system has already experienced.

We all have a vagal tone; you can think of it like a muscle of your nervous system. It is the state you live in the most. Like any muscle, it can be strengthened. You’re not trying to “fix” yourself. You’re teaching your body what safety feels like through small, repeated moments that it can actually trust.

🤍 Regulation Resources

Daily ways to support your ventral vagal state (safety + connection)

• Nervous system regulating music - in the morning to start my day, or when I feel dysregulated.

• Orienting back into the present moment to remind myself that I am only here, not somewhere in the past.

• Breathwork that helps me to get into a parasympathetic state.

• Grounding into nature: walking, feet in the earth, looking at the sky

• Bilateral stimulation: through tapping, walking, swaying with hand on heart

• Reducing input: putting away your phone and stopping the distractions

• Humming: supports the vagus nerve

Your nervous system doesn’t learn safety from words; it learns from what you consistently let yourself feel.

To feel safe, we need to actually be experiencing safety in the body over and over again.

Maybe we have gotten too far on the spectrum of expecting things to feel easier, but maybe there is something to the pull we’re feeling. At the core, it’s not about doing more or less; it’s about feeling safe enough to be who we are, seen, connected, worthy, capable, and belonging.

I’m not here to say you shouldn’t want a slower life, or that you’re meant to push through stress and stay in survival mode. There is something to slowing down after living a life that made you feel that if you slowed down, you’d never catch up.

I also come back to this quote:

“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman.

Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and play? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax — without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.” — Nicola Jane Hobbs

If we never witnessed safety in stillness, our nervous system won’t trust it when we try to create it.

Regulation isn’t about forcing calm; it’s about teaching your body that it’s safe.
Calm isn’t something you chase; it’s something that naturally returns.

Maybe calm isn’t the goal; safety is, and calm is what grows from it.

Embracing my human design type was everything. It permitted me to be a different person each day. As a Reflector, I don’t have consistent energy. I am constantly changing and need to be okay with that. I learned that the way I parent won’t look like someone else. I learned that I am going to have moments not always being regulated, but that doesn’t make me a bad mom. I will make mistakes and need to repair. But most importantly, I learned that I don’t have to perform who I think I should be to feel safe; I can build safety by being who I actually am.

If you’re ready, not only connect with your nervous system safety, but also understand your energy and how it applies to how you mother from an aligned place. Learn more about our 6-week program, Aligned, Not Perfect.

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant with my second while writing, and I thought this would be a great way to talk about my experiences, my journey with pre-conception, and what I plan to do differently this pregnancy/postpartum.

As a soon-to-be second-time mom with a feral toddler, there hasn’t been much time to obsess over this pregnancy as I did with my first. My mind is split between two experiences: being hands-on with my toddler and caring for myself, and this new life I am creating. Maybe this is the first taste of what it will be like to have more than one child.

Everything about this pregnancy has been harder. I already have pain much sooner, my histamine issues are back in full force, I have no time to rest with a toddler, especially without childcare, and I have had no time for supporting my body or my health. My toddler currently comes to every single midwife appointment. I haven’t been able to go to my dentist, which is imperative to go more than 2x during pregnancy. I have to schedule PT appointments on the weekends while my husband is home. And I am always exhausted, yet already having insomnia.

My goal was to always wait at least two years between pregnancies (not between babies) to allow my body to fully heal. It takes up to 2 years, sometimes even more, for your body to recalibrate after such a big hormonal shift. Many cultures and practices, including Chinese Medicine, believe this to be an important decision.

I knew I wasn’t going to be a 2 under 2 mom for many reasons. One big one was allowing my body to recover after undergoing hormonal issues postpartum from my chronic illnesses. Another being I wanted to be with my daughter for the first 3 years of her life, just her. I know how important the first 3 years are for attachment and connection.

While my daughter will be exactly three when this next baby arrives, I am still excited about their age gap and our decision. But even with the planning, I still have a lot of fears about bringing in another child right now, while my daughter needs me so much. Mainly because I don’t want her to become a typical “eldest daughter” where she’s becoming too independent and caretaking too quickly.

When I was going through my conscious conception journey, I felt alone and had to do my own research. People weren’t openly talking about it online like they are now, and I was the first of my friends to get pregnant. We are always seeing the announcements or the fertility journeys after the fact, but until I went through my own pregnancy, I hadn’t ever seen the before and the prep.

Now, pre-conception is such a prevalent topic that male fertility has become even more widespread and known. This isn’t just on women anymore; it’s also on their partners to get their act together. Something I didn’t know going into conception, but was already doing with my husband, was how important their diet and lifestyle are not just for your future children but also for your pregnancy. Their sperm dictates your experience, from morning sickness to placenta health and your risk for conditions like preclampsia.

The first pregnancy was everything I could have dreamed of, and I was the annoyingly happy pregnant woman. I was able to conceive when I planned, had no morning sickness, minus a few bouts of nausea that didn’t last long, and truly loved being pregnant. Until the end, when I was in chronic pelvic pain from her position, and my unfortunately extra relaxin, thanks to my connective tissue disease.

I want to preface this by saying I know I am fortunate to have conceived easily. I don’t take that experience for granted. This is also coming from a person who suffered her whole life with chronic pain and unexplained health issues. I was diagnosed loosely by several OB’s with endometrosis in my early teens. My periods were debilitating and caused me to get on the pill far too early. I didn’t know any better, and neither did my mom. She was actually against it, but I felt and was told I had no other choice than to be on hormonal birth control if I wanted to feel normal and live without pain, which affected me during my ovulation phase just as well.

We didn’t know what we know now; functional medicine was not available like it is now, and the closest thing I got to holistic care was seeing a local chiropractor, who helped with my scoliosis pain and random muscle testing. He was actually the gateway into my more natural healing, as I discovered how much heavy metals and toxins were affecting my gut health and overall quality of life. The excessive use of formaldehyde from bleaching my hair and getting gel manicures was disrupting my body and hormones. That’s what caused me to look into cleaner living and low-tox options.

After being on the pill for 15 + years, I was scared to come off of it. But I was also newly married, about to be 30, and knew I wanted to try to conceive within the year. Before getting off, I want to also preface it by saying that I was already working on healing my gut with functional medicine after discovering I had SIBO/leaky gut. I had been gluten/dairy-free at that point for about 5 years, which drastically improved my life, and I had been going regularly to acupuncture thanks to consulting for an acupuncture clinic in NYC.

When I finally did get off the pill, I expected my painful, heavy periods to come back full force, and I was mentally prepared, knowing it would hopefully lead me to a family. I remember the moment I finished the last pill of my pack and the relief and fear that came over me. This had become part of my identity and safety net. Yes, of course, I am grateful I was pain-free for over a decade. But I also had no idea who I was without this pill. I got on the same time as when we started dating my now husband, when we were in high school. I heard how the pill affects your taste in men and shifts your hormones. I worried, would I still like him? Would I still like myself?

Within days of getting off, I felt as if a filter had been removed from my body. There was a piece of me being blocked mentally, and I was finally free. I was less foggy and more clear-headed. For the first time, I was understanding my body again as if I was going through adolescence all over. Googling is this normal? What does this discharge mean? Texting my friends, I felt like a foreigner in my own body, explaining every symptom throughout the month.

I finally reconnected with myself, with this part of me I had been missing for so long, and was getting to know all over again. The first time, there was so much pain and suffering, so little information out there about the different phases and your energy/emotions. This time, it was exciting; I actually felt things instead of just numbing them with a pill. My period came back for the first time, normal and pain-free. I couldn’t believe it. I attribute it to the years of gut healing and Chinese medicine that helped support my hormones and stress.

Conscious Conception Journey

When I started conception, I went into it semi-blindly. I say semi because I was working with a functional medicine doctor, so I had a plan. But I also had no idea how long it would take after being on the pill for so long and after being told conception would be harder from my endo, practically my whole life.

Functional medicine was the key to supporting my journey

This is not medical advice, nor am I saying this is the only way you can get pregnant. This was just my lived experience.

I ran bloodwork to understand where I was at, did a comprehensive stool test to get information on how my gut was doing, and was working with a nutritionist to make sure I was stabilizing my blood sugar and optimizing my diet for fertility. While still going to acupuncture regularly for hormone balancing and stress management. I knew I wanted to give myself 3 full cycles before TTC (Trying to Conceive). Which, looking back, I wish I had gotten off the pill sooner to allow my body to recover more.

I took these Balance supplements from Flo Living, which allowed me to detox and reset my system from the pill. I was also on prenatal vitamins for a few months to support my body before getting pregnant. And most importantly, I was doing mindset/subconscious work before even trying. I knew if I wanted to be the most aligned mother for my future child, I needed to reparent the inner child within me and heal parts of myself that were keeping me stuck. I did a ton of TBM work for years and swear by it.

I had to do a lot of work around feeling worthy of becoming a mother, while also realizing I don’t need to be perfect to become one.

I was also very deep into spirit babies and the idea that we can connect with them before we conceive them. I read this book, which changed my life a few months before getting pregnant. Hearing other stories about the energy of spirit babies, doing meditations to connect with my own, and just feeling in tune with their energy was sacred.

When I did conceive, I got connected with Emily Greene, a spirit baby medium, who has such incredible work. I got a reading from her in my third trimester to understand what my purpose as a mother was and how I could best support my daughter’s mission. I was determined to be an aligned parent and help her become her most authentic version of herself.

With my first pregnancy, I was enthralled with it. There’s so much blissful unknown of being pregnant for the first time. It’s like you’re in this in-between with all of these beautiful possibilities of becoming a mother. Of course, when you do become one, it’s even better than you could have imagined. But it’s also harder than you realized in many ways.

So when you are pregnant with your second, you know more than you did before. You have fewer fears, but also new ones. Like, how will your capacity possibly be able to expand and handle more than what’s on your plate? How will you manage to take care of yourself, a child, and a baby on no sleep? How will your marriage change with all of the energy being devoted to two different children?

Some things I did in both pregnancies to support my body:

• Act as if you are already pregnant. This was probably the best advice I ever received, which allowed me to get into the mindset of connecting with and preparing my body to whole life. Meaning I actually needed to eat a balanced meal focused on blood sugar and do things that allowed my body to feel safe.

• Supplements. I took Perelel’s conception support supplements for a few months before TTC, Which allowed me to support my egg health. Now I take their prenatals for each trimester. Use my code Alyssab15

• Functional health. This time I worked with Kale Diagnostic, and loved my experience because they truly take an approach that ties in your nervous system. I wanted to start trying sooner, but they actually advised I work on healing my gut again postpartum to support the detox of excess estrogen and inflammation from my previous pregnancy. I’m so glad I listened and didn’t rush into it just to be on a certain timeline, it was the best thing I did for my body. After going through a specific reset, I added back in probiotics to repair my gut lining.

• Body prep. Work on my pelvic floor and prenatal safe workouts to strengthen my body for pregnancy. Yes, your abs are going to seperate regardless… but your hard work will be worth it throughout your whole pregnancy and beyond. Some of my favorite workouts are from Revolution Motherhood, who completely fixed my pelvic issues after a year of being in pain. Get $10 off your yearly membership with code ALYSSA10. Listen to our podcast episode here all about postpartum/pelvic floor.

• Community. I joined a mom group while I was pregnant. It was probably the best thing I could have done for my future self. I joined Mysha and am going on my third year of their membership. I talk all about it here with the founder, Marika. When I became a mother, I felt so equipped and supported with community of moms going through the exact same phase with me. Now my network has expanded even more since becoming a mom and I have incredible community. Join Mysha for $50 off with ⁠this link.

Podcast episodes to listen to about this topic:

• The Missing Piece in Fertility Conversations, Functional + Holistic Support
  - I highly recommend this episode all on conscious conception with Innate Fertility, especially if you’re struggling to conceive or don’t even know where to begin in your journey. She has a ton of free resourcs in the shownotes and her site.

• Preparing for Motherhood: A Holistic Approach to Conception, Pregnancy & Parenting With Alex Sall - A top episode that is full of so munch info and resources.

• Conscious Conception: How I Spiritually Connected with My Baby Before Birth
  - This is all about my personal conscious conception / spirit baby journey

• Connecting With Your Spirit Baby: Conscious Conception & Motherhood with Emily the Medium - This is with Emily The Medium and is incredible for anyone

Some things I am doing this pregnancy differently

• Not resting the way I was able to the first time, but also showing my daughter my humanness and not pushing through unnecessarily. You realize how much stronger you are and how your body adapts to pregnancy so quickly.

• I started PT much earlier this time, thanks to my SI joint pain that started around 12 weeks. In my last pregnancy, I suffered from pelvic pain towards the end after discovering how severe my diastasis was from my connective tissue disease. I didn’t learn until later the importance of connecting my breath with my core and doing pelvic floor work.

• I’m working with a midwife practice this time for my care. I wanted to do this last time, but it was considered too high-risk. Since I had a successful pregnancy and delivery, I was able to be with this practice. I loved my OB, but I am already seeing a difference in the level of care with midwifery.

• Not obsessing over every single ingredient. Last time, I googled every single thing that I ate and put onto my skin. I know what to avoid, but I’m also not freaking out about having matcha daily, herbal teas, or runny eggs.

• Not tracking every single day/week. It’s not that I don’t care; it just doesn’t consume my mind every second like it did the first time. I am trusting more of my body and less focused on what to expect.

Some things I am doing differently postpartum

• I know I won’t be able to rest as much as last time, but I do want to try to instill the 555 rule, which I did not last time. This method recommends 5 days in bed, 5 days on the bed, and 5 days around the bed.

• Meal-prep way more meals ahead of time to freeze. Now that I am in a house, I have more space for this versus our apartment, which was not conducive to frozen meals.

• Not obsessing about tracking everything. I love apps that help my mental load, but I don’t need to have something tell me what side I nursed on last. I am listening to my baby’s cues and my attunement to what I “should” do.

• Learning to co-sleep in case I need it to support rest. Last time, I went into it blindly and bought the 12 by 12 weeks book, which I read and realized wasn’t for me. After sleepless nights of falling asleep on the rocker, I was unknowingly not practicing safe sleep. This time, I want to be able to support both of our sleep, safely, instead of making it harder.

• Trusting my baby and my intuition. I wish I learned this sooner the first time, but we all go through what we need to grow through. I’m going to be much more chill about things like transitions and bouts of struggles, knowing how temporary everything is.

If you’re thinking about conception or you’re currently pregnant, I can’t recommend my Aligned Mama Edit enough. It’s a comphrensive guide with resources from experts and links/ personal voicenotes from my own experience. I am constantly updating it as I learn more and I have incredible exclusive things in there like a custom spirit baby meditation from Emily Greene. I made what I wish I had as a FTM.

According to neuroscience, you actually go through matrescense different with each pregnancy. “During a first and second pregnancy, the brain changes in similar and unique ways. Each pregnancy leaves a unique mark on the female brain.” says Hoekzema, head of the Pregnancy Brain Lab at Amsterdam UMC.

I have already been cracked open and rewired so many parts of myself, that doesn’t mean it will look the same with the next baby. I talk about it deeper in this episode with an incredible neuroscientist.

So while I already feel different this time around and more practical, I still am in awe of my body’s abiliy to create and hold life. Even if I am nervous about all the change and shifts, I know I am never alone and this baby is coming in the divine time they were meant to.

By now, you may know I am a recovering Type A, perfectionist, people-pleasing, Virgo. But, if you don’t… hi and welcome!

I believe that motherhood is the biggest recalibration and realignment with your true self. Matrescence is not just about becoming a mother. It’s unbecoming of everything you were never meant to be.

I’m writing this on 3/3, which is a magical portal and my personal favorite angel number. It’s the number I started seeing when I had my first spiritual awakening. But it also happens to be the Total Lunar Eclipse in Virgo, which happened at 3:33 AM, nonetheless. This full moon is all about releasing perfectionism. It’s the last one before the astrological new year/spring equinox.

What the 3/3 portal & eclipse mean for mothers

This energy is reminding us that we are good enough as we are. We are already capable and worthy without giving our power away. With the energy of the 3, it’s all about remembering we are creativity in motion. I mean, if you’re a woman and a Mother, you literally created life, and you’re questioning your power?

For the high-achieving mom, this eclipse exposes:

• where your nervous system is running on quiet anxiety.

• where you confuse regulation with control.

• where rest feels undeserved unless everything is handled.

This eclipse activates the Nodes, aka karmic destiny

South Node Virgo: control, correction, over-functioning, earning safety.

North Node Pisces: trust, surrender, faith, nervous system softness.

This is an audit of your nervous system.

The thing I have realized about this personality trait is that it really has always been a protective pattern. I have learned over the years about the power of rewiring our brains and limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in survival mode.

I’ve talked about neuroscience and matrescence a ton, because it’s a psychological and biological rebirth, yet the world expects us to resume life as if nothing shifted.

We are forever changed, and paradoxically, we can feel like we’ve lost ourselves. We pour so fully into mothering that we forget we are not only mothers, we are women and individuals figuring out our lives, too. Sign this petition to add matrescence to the dictionary.

I first discovered neuroscience accidentally a few years ago through “The Expanded Podcast” hosted by Lacy Philips and, at the time, Dr. Tara Swart, their in-house neuroscientist. I had found the conversation and a new approach to manifestation fascinating, as I was someone who definitely grew up spiritually bypassing and a “good vibes only” girl. It was a breath of fresh air to hear someone permit to feel all your feelings instead of just thinking positively to get the life you wanted.

From that moment, I became hooked and a manifestation junkie. I dove headfirst into their membership, where, like any Type A student, I felt like I had to do it perfectly to manifest the right way. It actually became restrictive as I struggled with being consistent all the time. The thing about perfectionism is that it’s never enough. You’re constantly chasing something that doesn’t exist, and it just leads to burnout and disappointment.

This showed up not just in the healing work I did internally but also externally. I had always suffered from chronic illness, and I thought that if I could do everything perfectly and right, I would finally not feel sick. But not only was I burdening my body, but I was also keeping my nervous system on high alert. I was never truly getting to the root of the issue, which was emotional, that showed up as physical symptoms.

Over the years, I started to heal the part of me that strived for perfection, thanks to this work, and I began to trust my own journey and healing process. But I do attribute that work to an awakening of something in me. I believe it taught me the importance of inner child work so I could handle becoming a mother.

I say this as someone whose parents went through a divorce (that I was too young to remember consciously), which was what I believe was the beginning of my hypervigilance and high-achieving identity. I had very low self-worth for as long as I could remember. Even though I fit in, had a cool group of friends, the newest/coolest clothes, and excellent grades, I never felt enough. This wound carried through my whole life, and I always felt that if I tried harder, maybe I would finally feel “enough.”

And although this wound has definitely healed in many ways, it’s still something I struggle with in other ways. I know doing this work before becoming a mom was one of the greatest things I could have done, and I honestly think it should be a prerequisite for parenting. Use my code ALYSSA9966 to join the TBM Pathway Membership at a discounted price.

It’s not just about manifestation, even though that’s the byproduct. It’s so much deeper than that. You start to actually understand your triggers, what dynamics and patterns keep repeating, the self-sabotaging you keep doing, and most importantly, what is actually authentic to you, not what you think looks good to others. It’s an ego death and a continuous rebirth in one. But over the years, I started manifesting less and less about material items and more about how I want to feel. Which is how I know I am more in my true self vs my ego self.

This hooked me into neuroscience so much that it carried with me into motherhood in new ways. I became fascinated by babies’ brains and how it truly starts so young. The way we speak to them, the way we compare milestones, how we outsource our power, and where we don’t trust our intuition. I became obsessed with the idea that I could actually prevent my daughter from ever experiencing the same wounds and beliefs I did. If I just became the perfect mom and did everything right, she’d turn out ok.

That also quickly became draining, and thankfully, I learned that regulation and repair are far more important than perfect mothering. But what these learnings taught me was so much greater than anything I could have imagined. It finally taught me to be human and to fuck up.

Everything starts in childhood

All of your beliefs about who you are and the life you feel you are worthy of come from the beliefs you were told in childhood. And this starts quite literally during conception, as we now know we share our mother’s nervous system in the womb. It is believed that the most formative years are 0-7 (with 0-3 being extremely important).

Everything from your beliefs about money, love, marriage, work, etc. is formed in these formative years. The tricky thing about this is that it is stored in our subconscious mind and becomes protection for us throughout life. Even if we are not consciously aware of where these limiting beliefs came from, or that we even have them.

So you’re essentially walking around with a toddler brain when it comes to the beliefs you have about the life you want or think you do. It’s not all on our parents; it’s also on the beliefs society has fed us over the years, too. And newsflash, we all have them to a degree. Some are just less than others based on their programming and circumstances.

So what does this have to do with babies/motherhood? Literally everything.

We start to pick up on the kind of energy we think we should be to be safe, liked, accepted - which is a child’s only goal, to be connected. Which means if they don’t feel safe being their authentic self, they would rather lose that piece than lose connection to their caretaker.

INFANCY

“Perfect parenting” stripped me of my intuition. The first time I got it back was when my daughter was having a sleep regression. It’s also when I discovered the power of nurturing the brain and what it could do to my child. I always thought I had to do the sleep-training thing to have a “good baby.” I mean, that’s what everyone around me and my algorithm told me at least. If my baby slept, they were good.

So when my daughter hit her 4-month regression (that lasted months), I blamed myself. I literally thought I had failed and did something wrong. I admittedly took Taking Care of Babies and tried it for a while, but something didn’t sit right with me.

I kept scrolling Instagram / Google (thank god I wasn’t in a ChatGPT loop at the time) for answers, which told me a slew of things I had to do to get her to sleep and not create “bad habits.” Everything from not rocking/feeding to sleep, not looking her in the eyes, and “drowsy but awake.” It did not sit right with me, and instead of just following blindly what someone else told me, I started to tune into myself as her mother.

I asked myself, why do I need her to be a perfect sleeper? Yes, of course, I was exhausted, extremely irritated, and dysregulated (literally woke up my husband crying every night that I couldn’t do it anymore). But when I started to understand her needs more and that maybe this was what was best for her, I loosened my need to fix it. I unfollowed all the accounts that told me what I was doing wrong, and I bought this book, which opened my eyes to nurturing her brain and the beauty of connection.

It was so much more than sleep. It’s about how the more we nurture babies’ brains the first 3 years of life, the more resilient they become later, and we can prevent so many mental health issues in the future. It changed my mind about sleep needs and the biologically appropriate need for connection.

I started to trust my intuition as a mother and as a human, probably for the first time. And yes, there were months of hard nights; she is 2.5 and still may wake up randomly. But this book permitted me to nurture her brain, beyond just sleep.
*This is not to shame anyone who has or does sleep train. I believe everyone has to do what is best for their baby and their situation. But I wish I knew there were other ways before I went down this rabbit hole. I wish I read someone write an article like this as an FTM, reminding me that it was ok to do things differently. We have so much science now coming out about secure attachment and resiliency.

There is still so much fear around bad habits, but the more we understand science and biology, the more we know that nurturing builds independence. You can listen to my podcast episode with Louise Herbert, founder of Mother Nourish Nurture, which dives into this through supporting sleep. I have taken many of her sleep courses, which have all helped me through these struggles.

This is bigger than just sleep. It’s realizing that we now have tools to understand our children’s brains and our own brains. If we can feed our children’s brains with good, imagine if we did this for ourselves.

MOTHERHOOD

I really believe this. Motherhood is not just about raising children; it is about rewiring ourselves.

Just like we have the power to reshape our brains, we have the power to lead our children differently. We are the generation that is choosing to interrupt patterns instead of unconsciously repeating them. We are the ones who became aware and who decided that “this stops with me.”

We are whispering affirmations. We are learning emotional regulation, so we actually have the capacity to hold their big feelings. We are investing in courses, therapy, nervous system tools, and products that support conscious parenting instead of just surviving it.

That is why I genuinely love companies like The Mindset Tapestry, the first daily affirmation board rooted in neuroscience. It is about building neural pathways early. It is about repetition, belief formation, and wiring in positive habits while their brains are literally sculpting themselves.

And as we’re doing this for our children’s brains, we’re also rewiring our own. We are modeling authenticity. We are showing our children that it is safe to be messy, imperfect, creative, emotional, and fully themselves. We are creating homes where they get to experiment, fail, and try again without their worth being on the line.

Which means they will have to do far less rewiring than we are doing now.

Just like babies go through synaptic pruning to strengthen meaningful connections, we experience something similar during matrescence, the becoming of a mother. Their brains are deciding what matters. What to keep & what to cut. And at the same time, ours are shedding outdated beliefs we picked up when we were their age.

You are not turning back into your two-year-old self. But you are moving through one of the most neuroplastic seasons of your life.

Motherhood reorganizes the brain.

And I firmly believe matrescence brings us closer to who we were before the performance, before the conditioning, before the protective armor. It strips away what is no longer needed. It sharpens intuition. It strengthens boundaries. It makes people pleasing feel heavier and less sustainable.

You care less about being liked. You care more about being aligned.

You trust yourself more.

You literally grew and birthed life.

There is something about that that changes you at a cellular level. It makes you harder to manipulate. Harder to shrink. Harder to silence.

Motherhood does not make you smaller.

It makes you magnetic.
It makes you sovereign.
It makes you unfuckwithable.

MANIFESTATION

So how does this all tie in together?

Manifestation is a buzzy topic. I get that. But when we actually boil it down and look at it through a neuroscience lens, it’s not fluffy. It’s not magical thinking. It’s aligning your internal world with the version of you who feels worthy of the life you desire.

It’s what your nervous system feels safe receiving.

At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? Maybe abundance looks different for each of us. Maybe freedom or safety has its own definition in your home. But underneath it all, we want a life we love. A life we wake up feeling proud of. More joy, ease, and alignment.

Manifestation doesn’t start in adulthood. It starts in infancy.

It starts with our Mother or caretaker. It starts with the nervous system we were shaped inside of. The safety we received, the protective parts we created, the space we were given to be messy or emotional or fully ourselves.

Which means for many of us, it starts with us now. For our children and for ourselves.

We may not be able to change what happened to us. But we can change the meaning we made of it. We can change the beliefs we carry about what we’re worthy of. We can shift how safe it feels to receive love, support, and ease.

When you look at it through that lens, it becomes powerful.

You can’t spoil your baby by holding them.
You can rock them to sleep.
You can sit with their big emotions, even when it activates your own inner child.

The more you nurture yourself, the more capacity you have to nurture them.
And the more securely they are nurtured, the more confident and independent they become.

Authenticity creates magnetism.

We get to raise children who feel safe being themselves. Children who don’t have to spend decades undoing what they absorbed. Children who can create the lives they desire because they feel worthy of them.

I really believe our children are our greatest mirrors. They reflect the places that still need healing, yes. But they also reflect our magic. They look at us like we are already enough without us performing, perfecting, or forcing anything.

They remind us that we can find more joy, spontaneity, and wonder in everyday moments.

We can be the ones to support our children through infancy and toddlerhood, so they do less work later to recover from misattunement and attachment issues. And at the same time, we can see the magic that our children see in us every day. That’s the dual healing of motherhood. We are raising them, and we are remembering ourselves.

If this resonates, if you feel that pull toward doing motherhood differently, in a way that actually fits you, I want to invite you to check out my new course, which is now open. Aligned, Not Perfect is a 6‑week group experience for moms who are ready to stop forcing themselves into the “good mom” box and start living, parenting, and making decisions in a way that actually fits. Blending Human Design, nervous system regulation, energetics, and real‑life integration. Currently at a special early-bird price for a limited time.