I am hoping you breathed with me. Let us begin.

To be honest, I am not quite sure what I want to write today on Financial Literacy. I feel blank, even though I have been consuming a lot of information on money. Like yesterday, I read about savings from a chapter of The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. It was a good chapter. He wrote about how savings is the ultimate way to become wealthy. Not having great investment strategies, not earning the highest income, not inheriting huge amounts of money. No. Learning how to save? That is what will save you.

I read the chapter and understood what he was talking about, but deep down, I wondered, how can I save if I have nothing to save? Let us say I am earning very little money, and I need every last cent to sustain my livelihood. How then, do I find the extra money to save for a rainy day? Sometimes financial advice feels like this. Like the person giving it to you is only speaking from their own point of view, and you are left wondering how you, as the audience, are supposed to translate their information to your own reality. So yes, today, I find my mind blank, not because I have not read or watched enough financial stuff this week but because I am wondering, are they really impacting me? And you?

I know the answer to that question, even as I type this, and the answer is this: things take time to simmer. Earlier this year, I watched a couple of podcasts that emphasized the need to draw up a budget and categorize it into needs, wants, likes, and loves. Even though I wrote down all the notes the hosts and guests were spewing out, I never once actually sat down to draw up a budget. That was until this past Sunday, when, after re-arranging my house and feeling like my brain was re-arranged too, I sat down with a notebook, a pen, and my phone’s calculator to draw up a monthly budget. There and then, I remembered all the lessons I had learnt months before. I prioritised my needs, ignored my wants, and tried to include my loves.

This reminded me of another podcast about having an abundance mindset. When I watched it months back, all I kept thinking about was how nice it must be to always think abundantly, but me? I cannot. I am always worried that things are going to be taken away from me. So I hold onto things too tightly. It was not until this year that I allowed myself the freedom to declutter my house, to throw away the things I do not need in faith that more beautiful ones will find their way to me. That is what an abundance mindset does. You keep believing that more good things are coming. You keep believing that you will get more money, more love, more joy, more peaceful mornings, more late nights spent laughing with your friends, more hugs from the person you adore, more acceptances from the applications you send out, more wisdom, more brilliance, more creativity.

But I am only just starting to understand this now, despite watching the podcast months ago. Lessons take time to sink in. Even now, I might be cynical and wonder if all I have been watching and reading is making an impact, but I trust that all will be revealed in due time. I think part of the reason is that I have been learning a lot about investment strategies. I do not know if it is because I am an adult now (on paper at least), but this is just the content I keep interacting with. And although it is good to know how I can diversify my portfolio and invest in US Stocks, and buy gold and other investable assets or watch a podcast where people are debating which is the better investment: Real Estate or the Stock Market, sometimes it feels like all this information does not matter if I do not have the money to invest in the first place. Why am I watching rich people talk about rich people stuff when I am not rich myself?

However, as demonstrated earlier, things do take time to simmer. Maybe this knowledge that I am accumulating now will be useful in a few months to come, when I am also rich. Oh, sorry. When I am on my journey to becoming wealthy. And I do want to become wealthy. I am not even going to sit here and pretend otherwise. It is the sole reason for this Financial Literacy journey. I want the kind of freedom that only being wealthy can afford me, and for me to reach there, I need to educate myself.

I started this piece today by saying my mind is blank. I did not know what I wanted to write about, and I still think I have not pinpointed exactly what I have written. This has all just been incoherent thoughts strewn together to form an article, but I do hope you got to enjoy reading this and perhaps take one or two things to note. And remember, even if it does not seem like what you are doing or consuming is making an impact now, it will make an impact later on in life, I promise. That is it from me today.

With Love and Warmth,

Therapy Sessions

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to write a letter to yourself? Well, a few months ago, I prepared Letters To Myself, a 30-day guided journal with 30 letter-writing prompts that will allow you to write letters to yourself as a form of self-love. A copy goes for only KSH 1850. If you would like one, kindly DM me here on Substack or on Instagram and TikTok @therapyy.sessions_

In other news, if you would like to listen to some affirmations, poems, and songs that speak on money, I have just the playlist for you!

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Wherever you are, whether it is in your house, or in a matatu, or lying in your bed, I would like you to close your eyes for a second and take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. As I have been getting more and more into Yoga and Meditation, I have found that taking this moment to breathe can change your brain chemistry in small but significant ways. I am hoping you all breathed with me. Let us begin.

I have been thinking about money a lot lately. The reason is that, yes, I am on a financial literacy challenge, but I am also at that point in my life where I am at the crossroads with money. Having it, and not having it. There seem to be two different kinds of people I am in either of the two situations. When I have money, I tend to be quite a spendthrift. I want to have good things, and I want everyone around me to have good things, and so I end up overspending. When I don’t have money, I become quite panicky. I worry constantly about when I am going to get the next paycheck, and if not, what am I going to do? I am known to throw some tantrums during this period.

The thing is, I never feel safe with money. In February, I wrote about excavating my money wounds and found that these all stem from my childhood. Of course. Doesn’t everything? But as much as I am aware of the wound, I have still been struggling to heal it. I began to be more financially aware, and this has been helpful, but I still feel out of touch with the financial world. It is so vast. So many things to learn, and sometimes, it feels like whatever I am learning is just the tip of the iceberg.

For example, I have been getting to know about the Stock Exchange. I did not take Business or Accounting in school, and so it has been interesting to learn what some terms like the Bull Run and Bear Run, and Market Indices mean. I am even proud to say that I got inspired to begin my own investment journey thanks to Ziidi Trader by Safaricom, which allows you to buy shares via the MPESA app. It has been nice to own a couple of shares in a company, even though every day when I check the market, the company seems to be declining, making me question my decision on buying it.

As much as it has been enlightening to know all these outward things to do with money, I have not been keen on the internal conflict inside me when it comes to my finances, which is, how do I make more money?

I found the answer yesterday after watching a YouTube video by Katie Clarke titled: Money is Energy. The only guide you will ever need to attract wealth. In the video, Clarke explained the most fundamental thing I needed to understand when it comes to money — generating value. Money, she said, is not a finite thing. As much as we have bank notes and coins and figures in our MPESAs and bank accounts, that is not what money is. Money is the value you generate. Think about it. When you go to work, or when you do a job for someone, you are giving that person, whether it is your employer or client, some value. In return, they give you money. When you go home and pass by the mama mboga, you buy groceries that the mama mboga farmed in their shamba, and so she is giving you something of value in exchange for this money. When she goes home, her child would want some money to buy school books, so she goes to a kiosk, gives the shopkeeper some money, and the shopkeeper gives her the product.

Every day it is like this. We are constantly exchanging value in the form of money. The secret is to figure out: what value do you bring to the table? Most people confuse this with: what can I get paid a lot of money for? So we get into careers we think pay the most, or we get deep into the hustle culture, grinding from dusk to dawn to get the bag. Clarke argues that while this can be guaranteed to make you rich, it is not how you get wealthy. So how do you get wealthy? By generating a value that is aligned to who you innately are. Something so unique to you that it makes you feel fulfilled and makes people want to part with their money just to interact with it.

In her example, she uses a person who has a passion for baking, and whose innate value could be creating really tasty cakes. In my example, I would like to use myself. I think my greatest hindrance has been figuring out what value I have, and how to bring it to the table. I will confess here: I have fallen victim so many times to both the 9-5 and hustle culture. Many are the times I have taken 9-5 jobs because of the financial security, no matter how little, that they have promised me. I have been happy with this security for a few months, then slowly I start to realize that they are not for me, and so I quit, and on and on it goes. I have a different relationship with the hustle culture. I have always wanted to make money out of my art, my writing, my craft, but I have always thought that whatever I brought to the table was lacking in some way, and so I have struggled with how to sell my products. According to Clarke, I have been going about it all wrong.

In both of these instances, I have been putting money on the pedestal. What I needed to do instead was to put myself on the pedestal. When getting money is your focal point, everything you do will be directed towards you chasing it. Sometimes desperately. But when you put yourself as the focal point, and start valuing all the things you create, and valuing yourself, and valuing what you uniquely bring to the table, then money starts chasing you instead. This is what they mean when they say Money is Energy. It is because money is your energy. And because energy is infinite, when you put yours at the forefront, money will come to you infinitely too.

I loved this advice so much. Watching the video, it felt like all three things I am trying to do with Therapy Sessions were coming together — Financial Literacy, Self-Love and Confidence. It was beautiful to feel validated in my thoughts, even though I know I said seeking external validation is the fastest way to betray yourself. But come on, sometimes, you have to admit, it does feel good for your thoughts and feelings to be validated.

Anyway, that is all I have for you today. If there is one thing I would like for you to take away from here, it is: to make money, do not put money on the pedestal. Put yourself instead. That is how you become wealthy.

Till Next Time,

Therapy Sessions

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to write a letter to yourself? Well, a few months ago, I prepared Letters To Myself, a 30-day guided journal with 30 letter-writing prompts that will allow you to write letters to yourself as a form of self-love. A copy goes for only KSH 1850. If you would like one, kindly DM me here on Substack or on Instagram and TikTok @therapyy.sessions_

In other news, if you would like to listen to some affirmations, poems, and songs that speak on money, I have just the playlist for you!

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A bit ironic, no? I came here for four weeks, and wrote about how to become more confident. Yet, months later, I am still facing the same limitations that drove me to begin my confidence journey. Self-doubt. How does it still control my every step? How have I not yet reached that utopian state of utterly and completely believing in myself? I keep beating myself up for it. And as an antidote, I’ve been reminding myself of the lessons I learnt during my confidence journey. Like the fact that the only cure to self-doubt is to practice whatever you are doubting yourself about.

This is not even what I wanted to write about today. Since Monday, and even just now when I sat down here to write, all I have been thinking about is selling. How to Sell. That was supposed to be the topic of today. So I have been doing research. Listening to podcasts. Reading books. Asking already-established entrepreneurs: how do you sell anything to anyone? I have received numerous answers as a result. A man in a podcast says to embrace dramatic marketing strategies. A woman in another advises not to be afraid of rejections. A writer in TedX talk speaks about the power of creating a product that is both surprising and familiar. And when I go to buy pillows, the woman that sells them to me says I should just go for it. Entrepreneurship is all about jumping into the deep end, she adds.

But in all these different pieces of advice, there is one message that they all emphasize — in order to sell anything, whether it is your own product or a company’s, you have to first believe in yourself. To be confident in what you are doing.

And so, the topic I wanted to write about coincides with the feelings I have been having. In order for me to learn how to sell, I need to first learn how to overcome the self-doubt that is constantly eating at me.

This is easier said than done.

I know practice will make perfect, but what if the practice is filled with dismissal after dismissal? The woman who talked about embracing rejections mentioned this is just part of the process. If you do not find a buyer in one person, you move on and hope the next person will give you the “yes.” But what about the slow chipping of your own ego, and your own self-belief that happens every time you receive no after no after no? You have to admit, it sucks. It hurts.

Maybe that is why being an entrepreneur requires tough skin. And not just being an entrepreneur. I think being a human generally requires tough skin. Because, if you think about it, we are always selling something to someone. If not our products, then our time, our ideas, sometimes even ourselves. What changes is the price we get. And all that depends on the amount of confidence you have in yourself. In a way, how you sell becomes the highest measure of self-belief. I am not a very confident person. That much is clear. But I want to learn how to be, just as I want to learn how to sell.

Recently, I prepared a self-love journal. It is called Letters To Myself, and it is a 30-day guide divided into three parts, each with ten letter-writing prompts that will allow you to step into a better version of yourself. I have been doing the prompts each day (today is day 19). Writing the letters is some sort of therapy. Each prompt pushes me into recognizing my wounds and how to heal them. I know I have a gem of a product in my hands. And yet, I am still struggling in how to market it. Why? Because I have not reached that Utopian state yet.

(The journal is going for KSH 1850. If you would like a copy, kindly send a message here on Substack or on Instagram/Tiktok @therapyy.sessions_.)

But really, if I think about it, I do not know if what I am hoping for is achievable. I do not think anyone is confident all the time. The world, I think, functions more on the state of faking it till you make it, more than it functions on the concept of believing in yourself until you make it. Maybe that is what I should start embracing. Not faking it until I become pretentious, but faking the self-belief until it starts being true. Maybe that is what entrepreneurs do. Maybe that is what everyone does. Maybe that is the only way we survive. By affirming ourselves each morning that “we got this” even when we are not sure we do. Maybe that is how we sell.

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On the Friday before I travelled, I told both my best friend and my sister that I did not see the need to go for the trip. Instead, I will buy a gift for myself with the money. My sister did not understand my reasoning. The next morning, she called, and said only one thing:

“Amanda, enda hiyo trip. It will change you I promise.”

There is a tone she used. Like she knew something I did not, and because I know her, and I know how well-travelled she is, I was tempted to try it out. That is all it took to re-convince me again. So that Saturday night, while at my best friends’ house, I created an itinerary. Then on Sunday morning, a budget. Then I booked my accommodation and transport.

On Thursday night the next week, I boarded the SGR and left for Malindi. During my whole three-day stay, there are three things I learned about money, and about my own relationship with my finances. Allow me to share with you.

1. A Budget on a Vacation is Bullshit

Before going to Malindi. I created a budget. I had listed down the cost of everything: from the cost of the shopping I will do for the Airbnb, to the amount I would use for transport around the town, to the cost of the excursions, spa date, solo date, all things that were part of my itinerary. But once I arrived in Malindi, this budget just vanished into thin air. There are things, I learned, that you cannot predict until you are actually in the situation itself. The cost of being a tourist, for example. On my first day, I was shown around the Coastal island with beach boys who took me to various places including the Golden beach, the village on the outskirts and took really really great pictures of me during the escapades. But at the end of it, I had to compensate them for their time. This was not part of my budget plan.

On the second day, I went on a marine excursion to Watamu. The distance from Malindi to Watamu is far. I had to take a boda, and the boda cost money that I had not included in my budget. On the third day, I was supposed to just chill in my Airbnb. I was travelling back to Nairobi that day at night. Then, in the morning, while smoking weed with Barasa (another beach boy/tour guide I met), and watching the sun rise by the ocean, he convinced me to go on another marine excursion, this time in Malindi. I obliged. And it was the most beautiful experience ever, much more than the previous day had been. But again, the cost of this excursion had not been part of my budget.

So what am I saying? It is good to have a budget when going on a vacation, but just keep in mind that this will only be a basic plan. Most probably, the amount you will use will go beyond it. For this reason, always have a backup plan. For me, I had to dig into my other savings, and although there were moments where I thought I would regret that, the experiences I had were so much fun and beautiful and so worth it.

2. How You Market, Sells

There are three different aspects of a good business: the creation of the product, the marketing of the product, and the selling of the product. I, for the most part, deal with the creation of products. I will write an essay here, I will prepare a healing journal there, I will create a Therapy session salon experience sometimes. I am a creator. But what I do not know and what I desperately need to learn, is how to market and sell the products I am creating. This is another lesson that Malindi taught me.

During my stay, I interacted mostly with informal beach boys who also work as tour guides. Their main job description is to sell you on the Malindi experience. Whether it is marine excursions, visiting historical sites like Vasco Da Gama, quad-biking at Mambrui, watching the sunset at Hell’s Kitchen — their JD is to sell you on all these things. And the choice of whether you will go with one or neglect the other all depends on how they market their products.

As they sold to me these experiences, I could not help but observe how they worked. They spoke with so much passion, and not only that, they were knowledgeable about what they were selling. I have mentioned that the third day, which turned out to be the most exciting of all, was an impromptu experience. I was not supposed to go on the excursion. But there is a way that Barasa, the tour guide, had talked about it with so much zeal, that all I wanted to do is have this gorgeous experience he spoke of.

While he was talking, all I kept thinking was, damn, that is the kind of passion I need to have when I market my products. On this point, do you know Therapy Sessions has a self-love healing journal called Letters To Myself? It is a 30-day journey guided journal divided into three parts — Self-Discovery, Self-Realization and Self-Realization — all with ten letter-writing prompts that will lead you into a gentle journey of loving yourself fully. A copy goes for only KSH 1850, paid via my Till Number: 3603094. If you would like a copy, kindly send me a message here on Substack or on Instagram @therapyy_sessions or Tiktok @therapyy_sessions and I will arrange how one will reach you.

3. Kazi ni Kazi, as Long as It Brings Money

In Manyo Pesa, Coster Ojwang’ sings: “Usiyatamani ya mwenzio, kazi ni kazi.” It is true. Work is work, as long as it brings money. On the second day, while eating sea food on the Watamu excursion, I happened to talk to a man who was a formal beach boy, by which I simply mean, he sleeps with white women for money. He proceeded to tell me about his experiences with the women, who, when he was a bit younger, used to give him a lot of money just to spend a night with them. One of them even booked a flight for him to go to Italy, where he stayed for several months. The experience of being abroad, he said, changed him.

“Kutravel ni kutoa ushamba,” he told me while laughing.

Then he got serious. In the excursions, we were few Africans in a sea of white people, most of them Italians who are dominant in the island. He looked around and said:

“Hawa wazungu wanasaidia. Unaona hii economy yote, yote imeshikiliwa nao. Wanasaidia sana. So kutafuta pesa kutoka kwao anyhow you can, lazima ujitume.”

As he spoke, I thought about neo-colonisation, then I thought about the value that these Italians bring to the local people in Watamu and Malindi, and at the end of it, I just thought, ah Kazi ni kazi, bora wewe unapata pesa na uko safe.

If you like money, you might like this playlist I created.

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Anyway, here I am now.

At the beginning of the year, I talked about the three pillars I want to tackle with Therapy Sessions. I have insisted on these three pillars ever since then, because these are things that affect me deeply: Financial Literacy, Self-Love and Self-Worth, and Confidence (read: sexiness). I am happy to report that I successfully completed the first quarter of these challenges, meaning I finished 30 whole days of each pillar. Eyyy, makofi kwangu? Makofi tena?

But if you thought that was the end, do I have news for you! That is just the beginning. See, the true measure of success lies in repetition. The more you repeat an action, the better you get at it, and the more you finally become a master at it. Doing these challenges only once would make a difference to me (and hopefully to you too when you read what I write), but that difference is nothing compared to my doing these challenges over and over and over again until they become a norm to me. Until I become a master. And even then, especially then, will the work truly start because I will have something very tangible to teach and impact.

All this to say, yes, I am on my second Financial Literacy challenge. So let us talk about moneeyyyy babyy.

Money. What is it about money that makes us go absolutely crazy? Some say it is the measure of everything in life. In Money Lover, Sauti Sol sings Pesa ni maua, inapendeza, pesa inaua, itakumaliza. Money is a flower; it pleases. But money also kills; it will finish you. This is one of the most factual lyrics they have ever sung. It is true. Money has two sides. It is very good, and it is very bad, all in equal measure.

So, how do you reconcile the two? How do you let your ambition for richness not supersede the goodness you know you have in your heart? How do you not become the corrupt politician, the bribe-taking police, the citizen who says that once they are in office, hao wataiba pia but sio sana juu at least watasaidia watu? How do you merge money and humanity? Me sijui, but I think, nikipewa those huge amounts of money that people say can corrupt someone, maybe then I will know if I am corruptible. You know? Si wanipee tu ndo nijue. Aki woiyee, please.

But seriously. Is there a way? TikTok says there is. Two weeks back, I was doomscrolling on the app when this guy who had never before appeared on my feed came on. He had my attention from the very first statement.

He said, “The final stage of spirituality is materialism, but not in the way you think.”

You see, when it comes to spirituality or even humanity, it almost always seems like attaining the highest level of it is completely denying the material world. Take for example, the Buddhist monks who denounce the secular world and dedicate their lives to enlightenment. It sounds like such a romantic thought (I am not saying it is not), but is it accessible to everyone? No. What the TikTok guy was arguing is that you do not have to renounce your soul in order to be more materialistic, and you do not have to renounce your materialism in order to be more spiritual. The truth lies in the middle.

So how does it work?

The way it works is viewing money as stewardship, not identity. When money becomes our identity, when our thoughts are constantly on how to get more, save more, invest more, use more, show off more, then money becomes a thing we worship. We are sad to the point of being depressed when we do not have any. And when we do, we overspend on things we do not need simply because we can. We become obsessed with things, rather than with what those things can do to us. It becomes our identity, ingrained in us so bad we cannot separate it from ourselves. Viewing money as stewardship is different. With this view, you are not looking at your money as something you own, but rather as a property you are managing.

Let me explain. Say you have KSH 100,000 in the bank. When you are looking at money as your identity, it will become the identity that you have KSH 100,000 in the bank. If this is a particularly huge amount for you, you will want to brag to your friends about how much money you have. If it is a small amount for you, you will be ashamed of it. So, it is your identity. Your financial identity at least.

But if you view the money as stewardship, what that means is that you are recognizing that this KSH 100,000 in the bank does not necessarily belong to you. You are only a steward of it. Your duty is to manage it properly. It does not matter if it is a lot of money or a little money in your opinion. The question becomes: can I manage it properly? So, even when you are thinking about what amount to put in savings and which to invest, you are thinking as a steward. You have kind of removed yourself from the money, and are only doing what is best for it, to the best of its ability.

Does it make sense? If it doesn’t, forgive me; I am also just coming to terms with the idea. But I do think this theory can actually help me a lot. I have always felt icky talking about money. When I don’t have it, I tend to sink into depths of shame, and I struggle telling even the people closest to me that I am struggling. And when I do have lots of it, I tend to overspend it on myself, but more so, on the people around me. I am like Nvirri. Nikilewa, natoa simu natumia watu pesa. But in both of these situations, what is common is that I am not talking about the money, because I am treating it as my identity.

Treating it as stewardship has promise. It will mean that when I am in a financial conversation, I am not looking at it as something I am ashamed of or proud of, but rather, just as a property I am managing. So what if I do not have enough? It just means I have to learn how to manage the little that is there and perhaps find ways to make more. And if I have a lot of it, all it means is that I will have to learn how to properly take care of it. Just like a good steward does.

P.S: If you like money, you might like this playlist I created.

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Today, I am turning twenty eight years old. Fourteen years have passed since that first time I celebrated a birthday. A lot has changed, but really, on a day like today, it feels as if nothing has changed at all. I am still a baby, still learning, still getting extremely happy in the presence of balloons. But I am also a grown adult. And what I am discovering is that the beauty of life lies in your ability to celebrate yourself fully. To hold yourself in your arms and pour so much love into your being. I am turning twenty eight, and this here is the greatest lesson I am taking with me as I enter this new year and new season of my life.

And even as I do, I recognize the simple pleasures I still want. Like wanting to be happy. Free. Wanting to look at myself in the mirror every morning and be amazed at the person I am becoming. I want my dreams to come true. And I want, in every moment of my life, to be reminded that I am one with the universe and the universe is one with me. I want to exist as the divine being I am. This morning as I was doing my yoga, the yogi told us to affirm that we were divine; that we were unique and our very existence is magnificent, powerful and out of this world. I loved that affirmation. It was just what I needed to hear on the morning of my birthday.

Divinity. What is divinity? What is the meaning of being divine? I want to say that it is being everything beautiful. Everything transcendental. I attended a show once, and I remember thinking how everything felt spiritual and transcendental and intentional. I remember thinking about how the artist was divine. She looked modest, humble even. But there is a way she spoke to us, and there is a way her photographs and films and curation of the entire event felt. It was pure divinity. I remember thinking how I would like to pick her brain, to ask her questions about being divine, how did she do it so effortlessly? But then, of course, the answer does not lie with her; it lies within me.

Being divine. I think that is how I would love to love myself on my birthday. I would like to celebrate the divinity within me, because I believe that everyone, including me, including you, is divine. We are, after all, made in His image and likeness, are we not? So why do we spend so much time of our lives trying to convince ourselves we are not sacred and transcendent and everything beautiful? Why do we put ourselves in situations that diminish our uniqueness and convince us we are not worthy? Why do we hold so much bitterness and anger and hate and jealousy within us, when all we need to hold is love?

I am sounding a bit too woo-woo, I know. It might be all the yoga influencing me. Or, maybe, it might just be that I am finally learning that the solution to all our problems is so simple it seems stupid to even say it. But it is not actually simple, is it? Showing love to others around us is not as simple as it sounds; and showing love to ourselves? Whew. That is an even harder hill to climb. But this is what we must do. And if it seems impossible, then we can think of an easier way — being kind to ourselves and others.

Kindness is underestimated. Kindness is the beginning of love. It is looking at the person next to you and extending grace. It is understanding that they have their own unique lives going on, and even so, that they are also divine in their own existence just as they are. Of course, not everyone deserves this kindness, but most people do. That is what, at the end of the day, all of us need. Someone to be kind to us, and more than being kind, someone to pay attention to us. Someone to say; hey, I see you, I recognize your wounds and hurt, but I also recognize your beauty. And if we cannot find this “someone”, then fiercely and tenderly, we must do it for ourselves.

In my last challenge, I was writing a lot about confidence. But as I learnt how to take up more space, I was also learning that true confidence comes from true love of the self. I think that is why I prepared the Letters To Myself journal during the challenge, because the journeys were so intertwined. The journal is available now. I printed it, and when I held a copy of it in my hands, oh my goodness, it felt so beautiful and intentional and worthy. I would like you to have it too. Through the pages, and through the letters you will write to yourself, I believe you will be able to rediscover who you are, realize the power you hold and most importantly, celebrate yourself fully. A copy goes for only KSH 1850. If you would like one, kindly send me a message here at Substack or on Tiktok or Instagram @therapyy_sessions and I will get it to you.

In the journal, there is a quote I have printed out. It reads: you are the love you have been searching for. And today, that is what I would like to remind you of, and remind myself of. I am the love I have been searching for.

Happiest Birthday to me!

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The way it works is that I designate thirty days each to working consciously and with focus on these three aspects of my life. Each week, I would also write essays and record and post videos on what I have been learning as a way of educating others too. I also introduced the concept of Therapy Sessions: The Salon, an event where anyone who was interested in growth, and especially in these three aspects — Financial Literacy, Self-Love and Confidence — would attend, interact with like-minded people, and discover ways to start or continue their own growth journey. The main guide for these sessions are physical guided journals which I prepare , and which also re-introduce journaling as a way of personal healing.

So far, I have successfully hosted one session of Therapy Sessions: The Salon on Financial Literacy. It was my hope that I would do a salon after thirty days of completing each pillar, but that has simply not been possible due to logistics and other things going on in my personal life. As such, even though I have successfully completed the 30 days of Self love, and as of today I have completed the 30 days of the Confidence pillar, I have not yet held a salon for any. Which brings us to the topic of today.

For the past thirty days, I have been working on improving my confidence, but I have also been working on something else — preparing a Self-Love Guided Journal that will inform the second edition of Therapy Sessions: The Salon. The journal is called Letters To Myself, and it is based on the essays I wrote during my self-love journey, which were not essays per se, but letters I wrote to myself. Writing these letters greatly reminded me of how much I should love myself, my body, my hair, and all aspects of my life, and, as I was thinking of what to prepare for the Self-love salon, I thought; why not allow people to write these letters for themselves too?

But there is also a cherry on top. Letters To Myself is not simply a guided journal; it is a three-step process of how to love yourself. The first is Self-Discovery, a step that allows you to re-introduce yourself to yourself; the second is Self-Realization, a gentle guide into realizing the power and magnificence you hold, and the third is Self-Celebration, a jubilant way of celebrating all that you are and all that you are growing to become. In each step, there are beautiful essays followed by a space to write ten letters to yourself. The ten letters of each section means that, by partaking in this journal, you will have written thirty letters to yourself. And to make matters more interesting, I have recommended that this exercise be done or followed in thirty consecutive days, giving you a designated period of time to work on your self-love.

I believe this journal will be extremely useful to anyone who struggles with loving themselves, and not only anyone who struggles, but also, anyone who is simply curious about re-discovering themselves and wants to get back to appreciating the beauty within themselves. And although it is prepared for Therapy Sessions: The Salon, the journal will be available to everyone, whether they want to attend the salon or cannot make time to.

Now onto the important question: will the journal be free? Unfortunately, no. For Letters To Myself, and all other journals I will prepare, I would like them to be physical copies so as to foster the practice of journaling. As such, I cannot make the journals I prepare free of charge as it takes time and a lot of attention and money to make sure the journal is great. I will, however, reduce the price (which I am yet to determine), for anyone who will purchase a ticket to the salon, or alternatively, include the price as part of the ticketing of the salon.

All in all, I am extremely happy that I get to share the progress I have made so far. Even though I have not yet printed the copies of the journals, I am planning to in the next few days and I will share the progress here. If you would like to pre-save your copy, please fill out this Google Form, and you will be the first person I inform once the copies are ready to be sold.

I wish you a wonderful journey into self and a wonderful week ahead.

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The truth is, you will always care about what others think of you. Let’s be candid about it.

You will spend hours worrying about what to wear for a particular event, and then you will settle on something. For you, it’s chic, sexy, and flattering to your curves. The colour suits your skin tone perfectly. You love how it highlights your eyes and matches with your hair until someone says, “Brown looks good on you, but yellow would have been better. It’s more vibrant; this one is a bit dull.”

You won’t take it as an opinion. Instead, you’ll think of it as slight. Then you will start wearing it as you do clothes. You will now own that you do not look good; in fact, you will always believe nothing makes you look good, just because one person’s opinion rubbed off on you wrongly.

If they had said you are stunning in brown, you would bloom the entire event. For the rest of your life, you’d probably wear brown more. You’d associate it with your lucky color. Yet it’s not about the color or the one who offers compliments. It’s about you! Your self-confidence.

Have you seen people wearing confidence like a second skin? The way they talk, walk, laugh and smile. The air around them exudes charm. It‘s not about them being the prettiest, strongest, well spoken, or wealthiest in the room. They own who they are, and they take pleasure in being themselves. Nothing makes them waver or cower. People’s opinions are like dust to them. They wipe them off.

Confidence is something we all need to discover at some point in our lives. The ability to become confident or feel sexy starts from somewhere deep within you. If you are always chasing validation from other people, it is highly unlikely you will ever have space to accommodate your own skin.

I have always been a fashion enthusiast, and recently, I was following up on Achieng Agutu’s Sports Illustrated runway swimsuit. If you know Achieng, then you know confidence, and her are two peas in a pod. The woman was stunning, strutting the runway in a leopard print bikini. The comment section to her post was filled with both negative and positive criticism.

One comment that stood out for me was, “I agree this is no model material.”

This is one of the most demeaning things someone would have said, and to me, it would haunt me for years. But she owned it. She spun her whole narrative from someone who looked down at a curvy woman, judging her with idiotic standards of conventional beauty.

Her reply, “Omg you’re so right. This isn’t model material, this is SUPERMODEL material. That must be why I keep ending up in magazines, campaigns, and rooms y’all said women like me could never enter. Thank you for correcting me.”

This was an iconic moment for my confidence journey. I call it a journey because there are moments when I falter when my worth feels downplayed, yet I strive to be better and have the level of audacity, sexiness, vivaciousness, and confidence that women like Achieng Agutu possess. From being called not model material to her owning the supermodel title.

Just like the anecdote I shared earlier on color, everything sums up to how much you have to be at peace with yourself internally in order to glow externally. All the self-help books on confidence share the same message if you analyze it thoroughly. They emphasize self-love.

When you are deeply in a committed relationship with yourself. You don’t settle for anything that you do not deserve. You are the candle glow everyone is drawn to. For you to find that switch that makes you the flame that everyone yearns for, your warmth. You have to take caution not to let it burn you. If you are not grounded in confidence as a state you cultivate rather than a skill, you could be prone to the fear of being diminished, sensitivity to rejection, and desire to be seen or affirmed.

We all experience this. At least I know I did. My turning point was when I turned twenty-three this year. As a child, I was confident growing up. Until I met people who said I was too loud, too talkative, either this or that, and then I shrank. I wanted to fit in so badly that I downplayed my potential to not be too much for others.

When I became a teenager, there was a girl who used to make fun of me because I had big lips. It messed up with how I thought of myself. If someone said, “You are pretty.” I would second-guess them in my mind. I would be asking myself what about my huge lips. I didn’t want to take photos, afraid my lips would stand out from the rest of my features.

It took me five years to realize her insecurities were projected on me for her to feel satisfied. Her lips were bigger than mine, but in a million years, I would never make her feel ashamed or bad about how her features were. People get lip fillers to have plump lips to look pretty. We both were blessed with natural ones, yet her own confidence issues were used against me.

After coming to terms with how people’s opinions should never be used as a catalyst for measuring my confidence, I took a step back. I filtered the people I allowed in. Now, if somebody says something negative, I listen and separate myself from it. People’s opinions are simply theirs. Those are their thoughts, feelings portrayed.

When it comes to myself, I remind myself that I should never be against myself. I believe I am my own cheerleader. With gains, I clap so hard for myself; with losses, those are lessons learned. And one important lesson I am learning is that confident people are not immune to criticism or negative emotions. They simply know how to process situations differently. Unlike people who practice active self-sabotage, they notice opinions and decide their weight in their lives if they hold value as a person.

To become sexy, pretty, beautiful, or gorgeous, you need confidence. It comes from within you. Once you avoid comparisons and acknowledge self-love, you will no longer need to outsource your identity from other people’s voices. Yours is more than enough, and you must make sure it is breathing life into you and not finding fault in everything you do.

Jerusa Mentrin is a Kenyan writer whose work explores the intersections of longing, memory, and everyday tenderness. She draws inspiration from fleeting human moments and the depth of inner landscapes, often weaving imagery of nature, silence, and time into her prose and poetry. When she is not writing, she is reflecting on the “what ifs” of life and finding stories in the ordinary.

Thank you, Jerusa, for sharing this piece with Therapy Sessions. I related deeply to your words and found some healing in them; if I did, I am sure someone else has, too.

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In time, it started to eat at me, and the shame of being seen slowly turned to a growing resentment towards others who had no problem being in the spotlight. How dare they do the one thing I was deathly afraid to do? So it brewed. The self-hate concoction mixed with resentment and self-pity. The mixture of it, in the right conditions, can actually make for good art. Good art is not only born out of goodness. Most times, it’s born out of pits of self-hatred and low confidence and negative emotions spewing inside you. And when this art makes it into the world, and it becomes celebrated, you, as the artist, do not quite feel like you deserve it. You remain unproud of yourself, waiting and baiting for the next moment you will cower back into your own shadows. At least there, the darkness is familiar. The lights, out of reach.

I was listening to a podcast today, as I do when I am going through these 30 day challenges, and the host ripped me open, diagnosed me, and handed me my medication. She had pink hair. The host. I clicked on her video because of that pink hair because anyone who is daring enough to have pink hair is a person you have to listen to.

I felt cornered. Like a bull, in the field, and she was my Spanish conquistadore. Or my Bukusu one. Since, hey, it’s important to remind myself that bullfighting is not only something I see in movies. It happens in my own hometown, near my village. Why should I use a simile for Spain where I have never been? Anyway, I digress. This demands another essay entirely on culture and how sometimes we are ashamed of the places we come from. Or maybe, I don’t digress. Maybe that is the reason why it becomes so difficult to take space. We are often ashamed of where we come from.

Me? I come from a family that does not appreciate art enough. I come from a family of academia. My family is wonderful. We are beautiful in how we joke and laugh and carry some levity in our conversations. But, it becomes difficult to exist when you know what you want is not what they envision for you, and more than it becoming difficult, it becomes like this shameful secret you are carrying around them. Your art becomes shameful. Your poetry is not something you share freely on the dinner table. Your writing hides itself in the kitchen conversations. Your need for performance is tucked away into the corners of your mind, afraid to come out lest you shame it back into oblivion. So, when you interact with other artists, you fail to take up space, because deep down you are still carrying that shame inside your bones.

But it reaches a point where you have to say no. Where you have to start realizing the dream you have for yourself is only yours, and you are the only who can go after them. For me, this lesson has shone so much brighter during the confidence journey I am on. Today is day 19 and I decided to try something different and new this time. I vowed to myself to take and post selfies and pictures everyday for thirty days. The photos are not for anyone else but for me to see how much I can allow myself to take up space. Suffice to say, it’s been a small working miracle. In this experimentation, I have found some liberation.

I still remember the first day, day 1/30, and how fucking terrified I was to start. I kept thinking: what would people think if I just started to post myself everyday? Would they think I was trying too hard? Seeking too much? Then I posted it , and it felt good to let myself be seen like that. And day 2 came, then day 3, then day 4 and everyday, I discovered something new. New camera angles. New ways to put on makeup. New ways to pose. New ways to take up more space for myself.

It’s been liberating, just to iterate. I want more of this for myself. Allowing myself to take up space. In the podcast, the pink-hair lady also asks an important question: if not you, then who? If not you to write that book you have been thinking about for years, then who? If not you getting that promotion at work, then who? If not you asking that girl or guy out on a date, then who? If not you performing on stage, then who? If not you taking up space, then who? Do not allow yourself to be shamed into a state of oblivion. You deserve all these things you dream of. You deserve the wild, romantic life. The good life with fancy cars and great love that you think is only possible in movies. It’s not. It’s entirely possible for you, and if not you reaching out to taste the glamour, then who?

There is something beautiful when you do it, when you finally let go of shame and start growing into your confidence, into your freedom. That is what confidence is. It is you stepping out of the shadows. And if you do not have the strength to step out yet, crawl then. Make one move. Then the next. Then the next. Until that moment you start to see the light as something within reach.

I have crawled. God knows I have crawled. I am a slow learner. I take my time with things, and my growth, this growth, has taken years and will still take years to achieve what I truly dream of. But what do they say about slow and steady? It wins the race, right? So don’t be afraid, even though at the moment you might feel like you are miles behind everyone you know. Start today. Start crawling today. Start taking up the space you deserve, today sis. You will thank yourself for it, I promise.

Then, recently, I discovered that what was holding me back was not exactly that I didn’t believe in myself. What was holding me back was that I was seeking too much external validation. It wasn’t that the work I was putting out wasn’t good, it was that it didn’t seem good enough to the people I wanted their approval. It wasn’t that I wasn’t looking gorgeous in that outfit, it was that I had not received an applause from someone I thought had impeccable style. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing well in life, it’s that I had not gotten that nod of acceptance from my family. And so, I let myself believe that I wasn’t there yet, even though from the outside looking in, anyone could see clearly that I was and continue to do good for myself.

External validation. That one monster that has followed me all my life. How do I kill it? How do I drag it out from under my bed and extinguish it? Simple: by internally validating myself and everything I am doing. Again, it sounds so easy, but it’s not. Because validating yourself circles back to that one cliche advice you have heard all your life: Trust in Yourself. Jiaminie. How the fuck, ladies and gentlemen and gentle-them, do you exactly do that though?

I have been thinking and these are three tips I have found that can help:

1. No-one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself

Literally, no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. Not your mother. Not your sister. Not your closest friends. Not your boss. Not your employees. No one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. This is such a liberating thought because what it signals is that no one understands your dreams and ambitions as much as you do. No one is occupying the world the way you do. So why would you want to seek their validation if they can never understand your truest ambitions??

When I first heard this concept, I felt free. It made me stop thinking of my achievements as something that I needed approval of because only I could understand why they were an achievement. It made me think: I didn’t need to fit in the mold, I could carve out my own path according to the things that inspire me, because I am the only one that understands them. It also made me not put too much pressure on following what expectations other people have of me. I understood that even though they might be coming from a good place, their expectations are shaped by the way they perceive the world, and the way I perceive the world is different from their perceptions, so why would I want to be stuck in someone else’s world when I can make my own?

2. Take your time to form your own opinions

We live in a world of information. TikTok. X. Instagram. Facebook. YouTube. Reddit. All social media platforms are filled with information ready for our access at any time of the day. We are the first generation to know all about the world in a matter of seconds. This is very progressive, and beautiful in its own way, but it also means that it’s very easy for us to get overstimulated with all kinds of opinions and information.

When we don’t form our own opinions, or worse, when we are constantly seeking external validation, it gets so easy to follow the grain instead of taking time to understand the issues at hand. I have struggled with this a lot, especially when there is a hot trending topic and it seems like it’s all everyone is talking about, and I want to contribute to the conversation but I’m not exactly sure how to. What I am learning is that taking time to form your opinion is very important but once you do, do not shy away from voicing it. It matters what you think, if not to the people who are willing to listen to it, then to yourself. Your opinions can tell you a lot about the person you are, and you need that information to be even more confident in becoming the best version of you.

3. Being confident is all about becoming your optimal self

The thing about trusting in yourself is that it allows you to become confident, right? But, it doesn’t make you confident in becoming someone you are not. Actually, the opposite. Once you stop seeking external validation and trust your inner compass to guide you, you become free to become your optimal self, and that person, that unique person, comes out as the most confident version of you. You don’t have to be suddenly loud if your nature is to be quiet and introverted and you don’t have to be suddenly embracing quiet energy when your nature is being loud and extroverted.

What trusting in yourself, and what being confident in your own skin means is that you are dialing up the authentic energy and personality you possess so much that you become the person of your dreams. This is especially essential for any artist. Artistry in itself demands the most authentic parts of ourselves. You cannot create really beautiful and meaningful and impactful art work unless you have tapped into your inner world and embraced it fully. That’s how you get to not seek external validation because once you see the beauty you can create, the beauty that can come out of you, you won’t ever need any approval. Any other external validation that you get will only be a cherry on top of the cake of your own steady internal validation that you have of your own work.

I am not going to lie to you. From the first video I saw on the topic, I was very intrigued. And very invested. I have since then consumed more than ten videos, all of which expound more on the topic, and all of which intrigue me more and more. I want to try out this thing called beauty maxxing. And why? To answer that question, I will first have to define what the term means.

Simply put, beauty maxxing is maximizing on your physical appearance and grooming to reach your highest genetic potential. It works on the idea that everyone is already beautiful just the way they are, but, how can they elevate their looks even more to achieve their highest attractiveness level? The way you do it is by slowly starting to identify what it is about you that makes you uniquely beautiful and making these areas stand out even more.

So, let’s say you have pretty brown eyes. Everyone you meet comments on these pretty brown eyes, so much so that you start to suspect they are your best feature. But the thing is, you haven’t even done anything to them. No mascara. No eyeshadow. No eyeliner. Nothing. Your eyes are existing just as prettily brown without you doing anything, and they are getting their much-deserved attention.

Now, the concept of beauty maxxing is all about taking it all even further. It is about saying to yourself: my pretty brown eyes deserve even more love and attention and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure they always pop. So, the next step is you starting to identify: what can I do to make them pop? What mascara fits them best? What colour of eyeshadow should I apply? What shape should I line my eyes with? Everything you do will be all about making your pretty brown eyes become not only pretty, but more gorgeous. Unforgettable. Mesmerizing.

That is what is called Beauty Maxxing. It is not about you following conventional beauty standards to appear just like the next person but all about you focusing on enhancing what you already naturally possess in order to find out what standard of beauty works uniquely for you. It is about you looking inward and elevating your look, not about you looking outward to what person A has that you don’t and trying to copy them. And this does not stop with your body. It also works with your sense of style. What clothes fit you best? Do you look better with short or long hair? What shoes uplift your figure more? Once you identify all these, the real work then begins. You start practising how to always look your best.

But here is the thing. Beauty maxxing is not only about your physical appearance. On a vain level, yes, it can seem like all that these women care about is their looks, and how they appear to the outside world, but beauty maxxing goes deeper than that. Actually, caring about looks always goes deeper than vanity. It’s always about: what can I gain from looking my best? What opportunities can be open to me now? What doors can I unlock? And with beauty maxxing, the answer is: you can unlock all doors you want.

Here is the thing: beauty maxxing is actually a really subtle way of improving your self-concept. If you think about it, the point of it is to look at yourself, identify all the beautiful unique features you have, and enhance them to the maximum in order to become the best version of yourself. That idea alone is a mindset shift working with all the three pillars of self-concept: self-image, self-esteem and the ideal self.

Let’s rewind a little. What is self-concept? Self-concept is a mental image and collection of beliefs you have about yourself. It encompasses your personality traits, physical attributes, social roles, and values and it develops over time based on your life experiences and feedback from others. Simply, self-concept is the answer you give when you think of the question: Who am I? I am Amanda, I am twenty seven years old, I am the last born, I am a bit light-skinned, I am short, I am shy sometimes , I am a writer. That is my self-concept.

According to psychologist Carl Rogers, self-concept is divided into three pillars: self-image, self-esteem and the ideal self. Self-image is the personal perception of who you are and includes physical characteristics, social roles and personality traits. For me, my self-image would be that I am a bit light-skinned, I am a writer, I am shy sometimes. Self-esteem on the other hand, is the value you put on yourself. It is built on how you feel about your capabilities, your achievements, and the comparison you make between yourself and others. If you have low self-esteem, you most likely have low self-confidence and vice versa. And lastly, the ideal self is all about who you want to become. It is about following your goals and ambitions to be the best version of yourself.

Now, can you see the co-relation between beauty maxxing and improving your self-concept? Beauty maxxing works with all these three areas. First, you identify who you are and what makes you uniquely you. That is your self-image. Second, you start working on enhancing these areas in order to look your best, and therefore, feel better about yourself. That is improving your self-esteem. And third, you realize that actually, all you have been doing is bringing you a step closer to becoming the best version of yourself. Your ideal self.

When you look good, you feel good, they say. I think on a deeper level, what this means is that when you look good, when you are taking care of your body, and maximizing on the natural looks you have, then, you become a person who deeply appreciates themselves. You become more confident in your own skin and start realising that you can take that first step towards achieving all your dreams. And I think, on a bigger level, you become, as the title of my last piece mentioned, a bad bitch. And it all starts with beauty maxxing.

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Resources

TikToks

1. Jessica Alford

2. Eniola Olajide

3. Jodi Shantel

Podcasts

1. the ONE THING you need to embody main character energy | UNSHAKEABLE CONFIDENCE TIPS

2. The Confidence Experts: 7 Proven Ways To Build Confidence & Self-Worth

3. Watch this to Improve your Self-Concept and Get the Life of your Dreams!

4. Stepping INTO THE NEXT: Visualizing Your Best Self

5. Confidence: How to Build It, Be It, and Own It with Roxie Nafousi

6. How to Build REAL Confidence: What Confidence Requires & Daily Habits to Start TODAY!

Spotify Playlist

If you haven’t guessed already, yes, we are onto the third challenge in the Therapy Sessions 3-Pillar Method — Confidence (read: sexiness). I am only on day two of the challenge, so I might not have many lessons to impact yet, but today I learned something valuable. I was listening to the Mel Robbins podcast and she said something that I have never thought about. In the episode, a guest had sent in a question inquiring how she could feel more confident, and Mel Robbins’response was this: Confidence is not something you feel, it is actually a skill you learn to build over time.

I was dumbfounded. What do you mean, confidence is a skill just like writing and sewing, knitting and playing the guitar? Then she continued. She said: confidence is built by action. It is built by you doing the thing you are uncomfortable or scared to do over time until it becomes a norm. That’s how you build it. You start by taking these small action steps and once you realize you can accomplish them, you take other steps and other steps and before you know it, people are referring to you as the most confident person they know when in reality, this is a skill you have built over time and are continuing to build.

The more I listened, the more I resonated and related with this perspective. Let me tell you a little story. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to perform my poetry. I have always wanted to be on a stage, wearing a ridiculously artistic outfit, reciting lines, pouring my heart out and having an audience watch in awe. I want to trap them in my feelings, in my world. I want someone to go home with a line of mine stuck in their head, wondering how I know them like that. That is what I would like.

But, for a long time, I have always felt like I did not belong on the stage and the stage did not belong to me. That was until last year when I let myself open up. I applied for artistic opportunities, one of which required me to perform my poetry in front of an audience. In the days leading up to it, I was scared shitless. I wondered how the other poets did it. How they managed to beat stage fright and “feel” more confident on stage.

Then the day came, and my name was called, and I went up and I looked at all the people gathered there, and I felt nothing but pure adrenaline. I launched at it, reciting my lines, and when I was done, there was an applause which felt nice but there was also something else inside me. There was a thought. A thought I never thought would cross my mind. The thought was this: Aah sasa mbona nilikuwa nimetense? That wasn’t even that hard.

Because, truly, it wasn’t even that hard. I went back to the crowd, and wondered why I was so worried for days and weeks on end. Several months later, someone I know reached out, and they said they were looking for a poet who could perform and they thought of me. Was I available? Hell yeah, I was, I replied. Except, of course, I didn’t say: hell, because that would have been unprofessional. They sent me the details, and that is how I booked my first-ever paying gig as a performing poet.

Now, getting back to Mel Robbins’ theory that confidence is a skill you build by taking small action steps of things you are scared to do. If let’s say, I had worried and talked myself out of performing in the first opportunity, what do you think would have happened when this other person with a paying gig had approached me to perform? I know for sure I wouldn’t have said yes. But because I had taken that first step, it built my confidence in the fact that I could do it again. And I did. And I did it well too.

That is how you become a bad bitch.

Now, yesterday, I listened to an entirely different but similarly-themed podcast that was talking about self-doubt. I would be lying to you if I say that I am a hundred percent confident in my skills as a performing poet. Heck, I know I have not even remotely tapped into what is truly needed to perform greatly. I am still in the murky waters, still wondering how others do it. I still have such great self-doubt, and it gnaws at me sometimes.

But here is the thing. Everyone has self-doubt. Everyone has imposter syndrome. In fact, having imposter syndrome is a good thing. Having imposter syndrome simply means that you are doing something new, something out of your comfort zone, and remember what we said about Confidence? Confidence is built by doing the actions that are out of your comfort zone until they become a norm for you. The goal, the guest on the podcast was saying, is not to eliminate self-doubt. Self-doubt will always exist because it’s a way of your mind protecting you.

What you can do, though, is not let self-doubt creep you into a state of non-action. That is where most of us fail. We allow our thoughts to take so much control of ourselves and convince us that we are not good enough, or we are not smart enough, artistic enough, or confident enough. But who makes the rules? You. Literally, you make the rules of your own world. If you decide to do something, and you put your mind into it, and let the self-doubt exist beside you rather than inside you pulling you down, guess what? You can literally do anything you dream of.

That is what a bad bitch would do.

Resources

Podcasts

1. Stop Doubting Yourself: Dr. Shadé Zahrai on How to Build Confidence & Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever

2. A Toolkit for Confidence: How to Build UNSHAKABLE Self Confidence | The Mel Robbins Podcast

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You see, for the past week and a half, I have been sick. Weak-as-fuck, cannot-even-get-out-of-bed, cannot-even-hold-the-phone-long-enough, cannot-even-eat sick. It’s been brutal. I thought I would never get better. I would wake up and immediately go back to sleep. I joked with my best friend, who has been taking care of me, that I could not even see the light in my eyes. And I couldn’t. I hated every fucking second of it. And when I was lying there, trying to watch stuff on Youtube or repeating episodes of Euphoria and drifting off, all I thought about was what I would write. And now, we are finally here, I am well-enough to actually hold my gaze on my laptop long enough, and have the strength to type stuff here, and the urge is no longer there. What the actual hell?

And really, what am I supposed to be typing about? I have been consuming a lot of media, which means my head is full of all kinds of shit from the Hantavirus to Emma Chamberlain exes, and I know everything everyone wore to the Met Gala, and I know all I need to know about the newest season of Euphoria and I know all what Mannelerless Women in Adele Onyango’s podcast think and I know all about the war in Strait Hamuz from Aljazeera and I know I don’t think the gay couple from Heartbreak High should be together and I know all about cults from Unchosen and I know I respect how fearless Winnie Mandela Madikizela was from the Netflix documentary and I know Lady Gaga and Doechii have a new song out and I know there is a Wambo na anapendwa na madem na yeye ni dem and I know Maraga’s home is a debate (is it humble or is it stingy?) and I know Wantam was at Kalasha and people did not like that and I know and I know, and I know all these kinds of shit, which I thought, at the time of consuming them, I had such profound thoughts on, but now, they all just seem like so much shit I know for no reason.

I hate being sick.

I mean, obviously, there is a sweet period when you are getting better but not fully better, so basically you still get to stay at home and be in kinda like a vacation mode. But before you reach that period, ah, it is so cruel when your body fails you. Maybe even more cruel than when your mind does, which to be honest, also sucks because why is my mind not working right? Why can’t I write anything I really want to write about? Or maybe I do not need to write about anything? I am not sure.

Last week, I wanted to write about the next Therapy Sessions: Salon, and I had this whole idea planned in my head, then the sickness struck. Now, obviously, all the plans for the salon are on hold, which also means all my plans on my self-improvement have been put on hold. You cannot consciously improve yourself when you are literally fighting for your life, is what I learnt last week, which also made me acknowledge how privileged I am that I am getting to do this. That I get to go on a personal development journey and write about it and host salons on it. Not everyone has that privilege, and I swear next week, I will get everything back on track, but tonight I just wanted to write dammit. I wanted to rant. Does this qualify as a rant?

I got interviewed by Qwani, and one of the questions they asked was on Therapy Sessions, and I replied that this space is my way of exorcising my thoughts and feelings. Reflecting back on the answer, it almost seems like I was saying my feelings and thoughts are like demons and writing is my exorcism. Is it true? Is that what I truly feel? Writing has always been interesting, that is for sure. But an exorcism? Amanda, surely. Come on.

Okay, I have definitely hit that point in my writing where I have nothing to add even though I do want to add something. I still don’t feel satisfied with what I am writing, even though I know I am going to post it anyway, because that is what exorcism is. The first part is you getting something out of you, but the second part is you showing everyone that you have gotten something out of you. That is what art is. You take this piece of you, and you spew it out, and you show it to the rest of the people, and say: here is my art, feed from it; and sometimes these people resonate with what you spew out, and you feel understood, but sometimes they don’t, and you wish you could crawl back into your space and never show your face to the world again. And somehow, in the latter scenario, the demons grow even larger, because the exorcism is not complete.

I am not sure where all this talk about demons and exorcism is coming from by the way. I watched a Netflix show on cults recently, but they were not even that big on demons anyway. I think my brain is trying to process or to tell me some information but it has not fully formed it yet. I have let everyone who wants to know that I am on a spiritual journey, but what I have not shared yet is I have been having some nightmares. Very vivid, wake-up-scared-in-the-middle–of-the-night nightmares. They leave me shaking. I don’t know why they are here, or why I have been having them, but I would like them to stop now please.

Maybe that is why I am on a whole rant about demons and exorcism. Maybe I should have just remained apathetic about the whole religion/spirituality realm of things. I loved my apathy. I loved my naivety on the topic. Now everywhere I go, there is a new discourse on religion, and I am like: Okay, do I honestly give a shit about atheists or Christians? Truth is, I don’t!! I don’t give a shit about any of them, whether they are criticising Christianity or supporting it. I just want to be happy. I love being happy. Meditation and Yoga, that is what I really give shits about. But even then, where were they when I was sick? Why couldn’t I meditate myself into being healthy?

I think it’s time to put a stop to this now. I have managed to write a decent amount of words,even though it was all spewing rants. Next week will be better. I know it. Till then, keep warm, keep safe, and don’t let the nightmares bite.

Yes, I am talking to myself. Shut up.

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My excitement was because I was just stepping into the formal literary scene, and for my work to be accepted by such a good magazine as Kalahari Review meant that I must have been doing something right. My terror, though, was about something else. The piece, good writing as it was, exposed parts of me I was not ready to face. That I needed to, once and for all, leave the shitty situation I was in with my ex-boyfriend was a very obvious conclusion, but beneath that, there was another conclusion hidden that I did not crack for myself until only recently, when a friend reminded me of the story. That conclusion was that I needed to love myself.

In the piece, I write:

“Moving on is hard. People talk about it like it’s so simple. Like you break up with this guy and you cry about it for a few months, and then you start going on dates, and they are terrible at first, and then you miss your ex, but you stagger on, and finally someone comes along who will make you forget about him, and you will be healed. You will go into the next relationship as a new woman.

Or better yet, you won’t find a relationship, but you will finally figure out how to love yourself, and you will be so content being by yourself that you will realise he was not worthy of you.

I have done all that. I have dutifully undergone the cleansing ritual of the ex. I have never been a big fan of loving myself, but even I tried that. When I could not find what was in him in other guys, I tried to find it within myself, and still, it did not yield any results.”

These were my words. When the friend, who is actually Eric Rugara of Conversations In Literature, reminded me of the piece, he complimented how it was really good writing, and casually mentioned the line I had written about me not being a big fan of loving myself. I don’t know if Eric knew this, but it was so coincidental that he mentioned that line to me right as I was beginning my self-love journey.

I told him: you know, for real, at that time, when I was writing that line, I did not love myself, and the most detrimental part is that I did not even think it was necessary to love yourself.

And that was the honest-to-God truth. At the time, and this was only three years ago, I viewed people who pedalled a lot of self-love talk as bullshit they were feeding themselves. I could not fathom why they were not concentrating on deeper stuff. That being said, I viewed a lot of self-love material as shallow, and anyone who advocated it as such. I, instead, concentrated on the “deep” level stuff, which just means I consumed a lot of shit and called it gold.

I stood by these notions until last year, when, after my skin broke out because I was not taking good care of myself, I finally decided to give self-love and self-care a try. And my, oh my. Was I in for the greatest lessons of my life? One of these lessons is that self-love, which means loving yourself to the point of intentionally always striving to be the best version of you, is the deepest shit you could ever engage in. There is nothing deeper than that. I mean, nothing.

That is the biggest lesson I have learnt so far. Everything starts from that point of deciding to love yourself, and once you do, once you wake up every morning and choose yourself, choose to be good to you, choose to be good to the ones you love, choose to be good to the world, everything else starts running more smoothly. Rough patches soften, hard days become simpler, and difficult things become bearable. Read that correctly: become bearable. They don’t disappear.

Just because you start loving yourself does not mean that now the fuel prices will drop, or that your mother will stop being difficult to understand, or that your nemesis will stop being a pain in the ass. No. All these will still be there, just that you will know yourself better this time. You will have a hold on who you are and who you could become. You will know who the fuck you are, and when you know who the fuck you are, trust that no one can mess with that psyche.

A month ago, I held the first Therapy Sessions Salon, themed: Financial Literacy. And even as we were talking about money, about our relationship with money, I realized something: that our money beliefs are closely tied to how we value ourselves, i.e., how we love and show love to ourselves. They are all interconnected. The more you love yourself, the more you see the worth you bring to this world, and the more you see your worth, the more you start charging people as you deserve to be paid.

Perhaps this is why I am exploring these topics side by side, because of how deeply tied they are, and how oblivious people are to this tie. I know I was. And this is why the next theme for the Therapy Sessions: The Salon will be titled: Lessons On Self Love. During the session, we will explore what it means to love oneself, to care for oneself, to hold oneself so tight so that if you fall, you will be there to catch yourself. We will also explore how this love ties to Financial Literacy and see how seamless they integrate into each other.

If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, please fill out this form. Your feedback will really help me in curating a great event for all of you.

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Years later, as I am on my healing journey, is when I finally get her. I finally understand why she was insisting on the need to let some light in, to turn the light on and shine it bright on all the hidden parts of yourself. This, I believe, is what I have been doing and hope to continue to do this year with Therapy Sessions. And not only with Therapy Sessions but all aspects of my life. I want to let so much light in and become so fucking bright that a shooting start will have nothing on me.

And these past few weeks have shown me just how much I can do it, and how much this kind of light is within my reach. If you are an avid fan of this space, you might know that I have been on a self-love journey. This self-love is the second pillar on my Therapy Sessions tower of personal development. The first was Financial Literacy and I got to help myself and others uncover what their relationship with money is. The second is self-love, and true it’s word, this pillar has been a journey into myself.

I had assigned 30 days to the journey, and from the onset, I knew I wasn’t going to be as disciplined as I had been with my money journey. I knew I was going to stumble, and I was anxious about this stumbling. Then, I listened to my first podcast in the series, and I kid you not, the first message the host said was : loving yourself does not mean appreciating who you are only in the good days. In fact, it’s in the days that you fail that give you a great opportunity to practice what loving yourself actually means.

I was astounded because, how did they know this was what was on my mind? Anyway, I continued on my 30 day journey and when I stumbled, I remembered those words, and instead of admonishing myself, I extended so much grace and love to myself that really, there was no option but to appreciate the person I was. By the end of the 30 days, I had learnt how to be more gentle with myself. More gracious. More understanding.

My self-love journey was also filled with lots of beautiful experiences. My goodness. I attended Muthaka’s intimate album show, I went to a rock concert, I travelled by air to Mombasa where we stayed in the most gorgeous Airbnb I have ever been, I woke up to the view of the ocean, I took my best friend to get herself a car, I walked along the beach with my best friend as we had deep intimate conversations and later on, the next morning, woke up to watch the sunrise together. I came back to Nairobi, and we had late night drives and parked car conversations. We took gorgeous pictures. We celebrated her birthday. We went to dinner at Ankole where the musician sung her a happy birthday. Then, on Sunday, we went to The Showman Residency and I was blown away by the goated artistry of Nyashinski. I mean, yeah, I have clearly been a busy bee. Happily and beautifully and wonderfully so.

There is usually this anxiety that someone feels when they realize they are too happy. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have not been feeling that, and that’s what I’m most amazed by. When I was at Muthaka’s show, I remember entering the theatre and the first thing I noticed was how the stage at Braeburn was beautifully arranged with candles and low luminous lighting, and how Muthaka, dressed so beautifully in a red yarn-like dress, her hair put up, her heels green, her smile radiant and her background artists on guitars and drums, lit up the entire room. I remember thinking: My goodness, I am surrounded by so much beauty.

Then immediately, I thought: I want to be surrounded by so much beauty.

Earlier that day, I was at a poetry book launch, and it was so beautiful. Later that night, after Muthaka’s show, my best friend and I went to Rock Riot, a rock concert, and as I sung out loud to “Creep” by Radiohead with other voices joining me, and as I jumped up and down in the mosh pit among strangers, I remember thinking: this too is beautiful. And then I was in the air a few moments later, and watching the clouds hanging like cauliflowers with my best friend asleep next to me, and I thought: this too is beautiful. Then we reached the Airbnb, and I could see the gorgeous view of the ocean from the balcony, and I thought: this too is beautiful.

So many versions of beautiful. All so different and so detailed in their own way that really, how could a girl not absolutely be filled with light? This, I think, is what Lana means when she sings: Let The Light In. Only when the light is bright, is when you can see how much beauty you are actually surrounded by. And not only see, but also look out for it, search for it until eventually, it starts searching for you back.

Obviously, there is a lot going in the world. There is the Iranian war, there is the rising fuel prices, there is April being sexual assault awareness month, there is the declining economy, there is the disappointment that is our political class, there is so much so much so much ugliness in the world. Seeing the beauty in it, or choosing to be surrounded by beauty, is not to negate this fact. Ugliness is a big part of our lives, but so is beauty.

So is beauty.

My best friend likes to say: two legends can co-exist at the same time, and I think she’s right. I think you can fight for what’s right, for what’s true, and still choose to not be sucked into the despair of what is wrong or what could go wrong. I think you can experience what it means to be hated and despised and treated like trash and I think you can also experience what it means to be loved, to be cherished and to be a butterfly in someone else’s sky. I think you can know what drowning is, your body being filled with so much water you can barely breathe and I think you can also know how to swim, and how the water feels gliding along your body, almost like you are an ethereal sea creature. I think you can cry, and you can laugh and these emotions are still you.

I think the world can be ugly, and is ugly, but my goodness, have you taken a moment to notice all the beauty in it too?

Today, we feature Aisha Kalson, a magnificent writer, podcaster, and Social Policy graduate. Aisha is the host of her podcast, Aunthetically Blue, which she describes as where vulnerability meets voice. A collection of thoughts, experiences, and soft truths, it explores what it means to feel deeply, grow gently, and move through life with intention—written for anyone finding their way back to themselves.

I met Aisha Kalson during the shooting of SCREAM, a film about survival from sexual violence by her namesake, Bint Aisha. I remember noticing her gorgeous brown eyes first, then her beautiful smile, and later, the warm way she would welcome everyone who came into the space. Then we started working together, and her talent in editing, in interviewing, in writing, and in podcasting blew me away.

Coincidentally, I am featuring her here as we are winding up with the film and are planning its screening, which will happen on 12th April 2026 at Cheche Bookcafe, from 2 PM - 5 PM. If you’d like to attend, kindly RSVP here.

And please get ready to read Aisha Kalson!!!

bY Aisha Kalson

Hello, hello, beautiful readers.

I call my podcast listeners beautiful aliens, and I bet you are one, especially for clicking this.

I am listening to “I am woman” as I type this in the Gambia on the last day of my week-long holiday, and the lyric “I am anything” I want popped up, and I had to do a shimmy dance, because that is what self-love is. It is loving yourself in all your states, the happy, the messy, the goofy, the blue, and even the authentic, mundane moments.

Self-love has evolved for me throughout my life. From a young age, I have been blessed with the opportunity to live in many places and be surrounded by many cultures, religions, traditions, and races. I have been exposed to people of various ages. Something I understood from a young age is YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT, because no one does. There is a lot of pressure and expectations from family, loved ones, and society to conform and follow a certain path. But once you truly accept that life is short and can be cut at any point, everything becomes less deep. Oh gosh, I have gone into my mortal talk.

Circling back to self-love. On my podcast, Authentically Blue, I advocate for how we are always a work in progress. My favorite quote, which I heard from Sophia Bush, is ‘You are allowed to be a work of progress and a masterpiece simultaneously.’ You, beautiful, dear reader, are figuring life out, so are our parents, grandparents, and everyone we know. We all have different life experiences that affect us in more ways than we understand: friends who shape us, triggers that come from the smallest to the randomest things, and our understanding of ourselves. My brother and I grew up in the same house and have very varying views on various things, but it’s beautiful to challenge ourselves and love each other through life.

• Editing note - I read this to my aunt before sending it off, and she reminded me that love is in the simple, mundane moments of life. It is in nature, hearing the birds tweet ( not online tweet), listening to the ocean, touching soil, watching animals, or a butterfly passing - yes, that is a nickname she gave me- as I apparently fly away from people, but I am very beautiful, hehe, so it fits. Self-love is in meditating on the mind, and this can be done anywhere on this planet, from the smallest of villages with no electricity to the bustling cities!

Self-love is one of those things that sounds beautiful in theory. Soft mornings. Journals. Skincare. Affirmations whispered in the mirror. But no one really tells you what it looks like when it’s not aesthetic. For me, self-love has looked like distance. Like choosing not to reply. Like outgrowing versions of myself that once felt like home. It’s looked like sitting with uncomfortable truths instead of romanticising situations that were never right for me.

Self-love is not always kind in the moment. Sometimes it’s firm. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it feels like a loss. I used to think loving myself meant feeling confident all the time. But I’m learning it’s actually about how I hold myself when I don’t. It’s in the way I speak to myself after I’ve made a mistake. It’s in the boundaries I keep, even when I feel guilty. It’s in choosing peace over being understood.

And if I’m honest, there are still days when I don’t feel like I’ve mastered it. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe self-love isn’t a destination. Maybe it’s a practice. A choice you make in small, almost invisible ways: Getting up when your mind feels heavy, letting go of what drains you, staying when things get hard… but leaving when they hurt.

I’m no longer chasing a perfect version of self-love. I’m choosing a real one.

One that allows me to be soft and strong. Certain and unsure. Healing and still human.

And maybe that’s enough.

The lovely Amanda invited me to write this Substack yesterday after I nudged her, hehe, thank you, ma’am. I met Amanda while working on a project ( many more to come). She is a woman who embodies self-love. I was drawn to her beautiful energy. She is confident, adventurous, creative, and so soulful, is that a word? hehe thanks for having me on here:)

— Kalson, from Authentically Blue, for anyone learning to love themselves in real time.

Read more of Aisha Kalson’s work on her Substack here.

Listen to her podcast here:

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It has been two weeks. I have two more to go on this 30 day challenge. In terms of writing, I have been approaching this challenge with letters I am writing to myself. So far, I have written a letter to myself, and a letter to my hair. Both deeply personal, both containing words I needed to hear. Today, I want to write a letter to my body. This vessel that has been with me all along, carrying me, allowing me to breathe in and out, giving me life. How many times do I really stand in front of it and appreciate it for the wonder that it is?

Unlike my two previous addressees of the letters, I would not say that I am a person who has struggled with loving their body. I have struggled with loving myself, that very essence that makes me me, the soul and the thoughts in my mind. And I have struggled with loving my hair. But my body? At the risk of sounding bragg-ish, my body has always been banging. Except that period in high school when I was a little plump and felt undesirable (but really, who felt secure in high school?), I have always known that I have a sexy-ass body. Ample breasts, small waist, cute butt, smooth skin. It’s a great vessel to wake up in everyday.

But, there is a difference between knowing you have a beautiful body, and intentionally doing things to appreciate the beautiful body that you have. When you have something great, it is easy to take it for granted, to not treat it well, to always assume that it will always be there to serve you when you need to let it out to play and get that person you want. But how many times really, do I stand in front of this body, do I look at it, and not only appreciate it but swear to it that I will take care of it until the end of time? How many times do I allow it to experience the pleasure it deserves? The love? The affection?

Well, that changes today. This marks my third letter of the Self-Love series. A Letter To My Body.

My Dearest Body,

In my meditation practice today, the instructor said to feel you. And not only to feel you but to experience you. I looked at the crescent moon above me, lighting up the sky with its body, then I closed my eyes and imagined you as the moon. I felt the air coming in, and the air coming out of my nostrils. I felt the cold touch my neck, my bare feet, my hands on my thighs. I felt the clothes on my skin —- my brown tights and multicoloured sweater. I felt my hair rising to meet the sky. I felt my face relaxing with the gentle sound of the wind. And then I felt you. You, my body. You holding me, holding me, holding me. How can I ever thank you?

How can you ever forgive me? I have not been a good host. There are times I have felt you are too good for me, and to punish myself for not deserving you, I have mistreated you. I have put things in you that you do not deserve. Unhealthy foods, unhealthy smoke, unhealthy drinks. Unhealthy people. Like a cruel pimp, I have loaned you to other bodies that did not how to build an altar and worship you. I have not worshipped you. I have not leaned and bowed and said : this is my body, you have to learn how to eat it from it. I have not yet learned how to give you pleasure, and I am to blame for it. I am sorry.

I want you to know, it is not your fault. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are divine. Everytime I catch a reflection of you in the mirror, my steps falter. Sometimes, I discard all my clothes and walk naked just so I could see you in your full glory. And my goodness, are you not glorious? Are you not the most gorgeous body to ever exist! There is not one blemish I can find in you, and I want to say again: I am grateful for you. I am thankful for you.

I am learning to love all aspects of myself , and by far, you are my greatest trophy. There is no one that can compare to you, to what you do to me. You allow me to walk in rooms and belong. You allow me to strut sexily and turn heads. You allow me to be the center of attention. You allow me to build a home in you. You allow me to exist. You allow me to breathe. You allow me to be.

So here is my vow to you, my dearest body. I am with you for a lifetime, just as you are with me for an eternity. I promise to love you fearlessly. I promise to hold you when you are thriving and when you are breaking. I promise to take care of you. I promise to eat more healthily. I promise to establish boundaries when it comes to the people I let near you. I promise to move you. I promise to feel you. And above all, I promise to experience you, as the divinity that you are.

With love and warmth.

P.S. I held the first edition of Therapy Sessions: The Salon two weeks ago, themed on financial literacy.

If you missed it and would still like to experience that process — or simply have the Financial Reflection Guidebook for your own quiet reflection — it’s available for Ksh 500.

Pay via MPESA Till: 3603094
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Self-Love Resources

Essay I read

• Uses Of The Erotic - Audre Lorde

Podcasts/Videos I watched

1. Treat Yourself Like Someone You Love (How To Learn To Love Yourself) | Adam Roa

2. How to start loving yourself

3. rejection: how to handle it, detach from it & redirect from it

4. Beyond Vision Boards: 100 days of exposure (SOS EP 1)

5. This is how mirror work will completely change how you view yourself🥹🪞✨ (SOS EP 3)

Spotify Playlist containing songs and poems that speak of loving yourself softly

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And to everyone who was present — Sheila, Sonnie, Trevor, Frank, Oscar, Ken, Tracy, Eileen, Gathoni, DJ Shock —you made the salon the kind of intimate and beautiful and insightful space I envisioned it to be when I was first picturing what Therapy Sessions: The Salons will look like. Thank you so so much for bringing my vision to life.

I would also like to send my gratitude to three special people. Mutinda for your support, Rahmi for your encouragement and for your continued support and Sonnie, for this piece she wrote that captured the event perfectly. Thank you so much.

Everyday, I am reminded that when you send out your intentions to the universe, the universe responds abundantly. This is the kind of message that was loudest in the first edition of the salon, and it is a message that is becoming more and more evident in my life. I am grateful and happy and surrounded by goodness. What else could a girl need?

Turns out, a girl could do with a bit of self-loving, too. Nine days ago, I started my self-love and self-worth journey. In the first piece I wrote on this Self-Love series, I expressed my interest in approaching this journey as letters I am writing to myself. After I wrote the first letter, A Letter To Myself, I started thinking: what would be my next letter addressed to? The answer was very obvious: It was to be a letter addressed to my hair.

Two weeks ago, I cut my three-year-old dreadlocks. They were long; the length almost reaching my mid-back. This length had become a source of admiration for many people who were just starting their loc journeys. “Ghai, I can’t wait for mine to also reach there. Aki si nitafurahiii.” These were the compliments I received, not once, not twice, not even thrice, but many, many, many times. I would receive these compliments with a smile, loving the fact that I had something that people admired, but even as I smiled, I knew, deep down, that I did not feel this great admiration towards my hair as they did.

I locked my hair in June of 2022. The decision was not out of my love for the Rastafari lifestyle, but rather, for the sake of convenience. For as long as I could remember, I have always viewed my hair as something like an inconvenience I had to deal with. Going to the salon was an inconvenience. Trying to figure out what to plait was an inconvenience. Staying with my hair out was not only an inconvenience but also a source of frustration. So, when the idea of having dreadlocks, which rarely required care, was presented to me, of course, I took it. What I did not know is that even locks require care. Even hair deserves love.

This, therefore, marks the subject of my second letter. A letter to my hair, which, finally, I am learning to love.

My Dearest Hair,

I have been with you since that first cry. I imagine you, just a few strands by then, smooth and wet with amniotic fluid. I wailed, and I imagine you rose. You had seen the world for the first time. Perhaps even before I opened my eyes and light flooded into me. You were there, thin and fickle, and against all odds, daring to grow.

I remember you growing. I remember you being long and luscious and beautiful. I remember running around the village, a small girl of six or seven, pleading for her mother to allow her to plait “pussy cat iko na beads” for Christmas. I remember you making me feel pretty. You were a source of so much beauty, so much joy, so much girlhood.

And then, I remember the first time I lost you. We had just moved to Shikoti, and you were a cost we could not afford. Next thing I knew, tears were falling down my cheeks as the barber took the scissors and cut through you. I wept as you fell on the ground. Wept some more at the sight of you, mingled with other strands that did not belong to me, and I knew, then, that I had lost you forever. My hair. My beautiful, long, luscious hair.

The next morning, I shivered as the cold hit my scalp. I was not yet accustomed to the loss of warmth you had provided. I was not ready for what losing you would mean to me. I did not feel pretty anymore. I would look in the mirror, and I would hate the fact that I looked like a boy. I would dream of when you would grow again, but as soon as you did, it was another trip to the barber. I hated the barber, and I dreamed of when I would stop seeing his face.

Finally, that day came. We had become better off. We could afford you. We could afford to take you to the salon and plait you in horizontal lines for school. But this, too, came with pain. The blow dryer, with its hot air and its loud vroom sound, scared me. I cowered at the thought of it touching you. It hurt you. It made you thin and straight and possible for me to run my fingers through you easily, but it hurt you. Beyonce sings: " Pretty hurts”, and I guess she must have been in that chair with me. I guess she knows, too, the pain they put you through.

Slowly, I started losing touch with you. I knew you were supposed to be neat, and I abhorred that process of making you neat. It meant hours seated in the salon, my head being cruelly pushed left to right by hands that did not learn tenderness. It meant the scary blow dryer coming close to you with its heat and making my goosebumps jump to attention. It meant I would come out of there in more pain than I had when I went in, only for the style to last two or three weeks, and I was back in it again. The idea of taking care of you became hell, and I neglected you as a result.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for my neglect. I am sorry for losing touch with you. I am sorry for not caring for you. I am sorry for the hands that did not learn tenderness, teaching me that you were not a tender thing that deserved love. I am sorry for the times I hated the idea of you. I am sorry for always rushing to make you neat, instead of appreciating the glory that you were. I am sorry for thinking you were not beautiful. I am sorry for not knowing that you needed nourishment. I am sorry for not nourishing you. I am sorry for not watering you. I am sorry for not loving you.

I am sorry.

I am here now. I am learning to love myself, and I am learning to love you, too. I am learning to look into the mirror and admire your blackness. Your curls. Your baby strands falling so perfectly and prettily down my face. I am learning to admire you. I am learning to take care of you. I am learning to pour so much joy into you. I am learning to thank you for making me beautiful.

Thank you, my dearest hair.

With Love and Warmth.

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Resources

Podcasts

These are the self-love podcasts I listened to these past seven days. I hope listening to them too, will allow you to embrace the journey of starting or continuing to love yourself with tenderness

1. How To Build Self-Esteem and Self-Love - Shimon Davis

2. how to build REAL SELF-LOVE | practical methods to grow it daily, self-love prompts & misconceptions

3. In the case of radical self-love? I’d like to be guilty, your honor - Temina Semo

4. How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation (with 4 practices) - Dia Jin

5. How to start loving yourself FOR REAL! (step-by-step) - Tiffany Monday

6. The Truth About Self-Esteem No One Ever Taught You - pearlieee

7. THE POWER OF THE BLACK WOMAN’S SELF LOVE JOURNEY | Denise Francis | TEDxQueensVillage

Spotify Playlist

This is a Spotify playlist containing songs and poems that speak about loving yourself softly.

When I started these new changes, the idea of hosting an event, let alone a ticketed one, had not crossed my mind! And now, here we are, a month later, and I have organized the first ever event of my life, and I keep meeting people who want to pour into it as much as I do, and you guys have paid for the event because you believe in this vision and Oh, I am so immensely filled with gratitude I could burst. From the deepest deepest parts of my heart, thank you, thank you.

This first edition of the salon is themed Financial Literacy, and it is a culmination of my 30-day money journey. I learnt a lot, and continue to learn a lot, and the idea of the salon was a way for me to share this knowledge and allow others to also share, have conversations and reflect on their financial life. The event is happening in three days, on the 14th March 2026. If you haven’t yet secured your space, please do so. I promise, this one will be one for the books. (see below a poster with all the details)

Now, that said (or is it written?), it is important for me, and for you, dear reader, to remember that Therapy Sessions has two other pillars other than Financial Literacy. And today is the day I introduce the second pillar: Self Love & Self-Worth. Prior to writing this, I was debating whether to write it at all, because the truth of the matter is that I have an event in three days, and I should be hyping it in everything I write or post if I am to meet the targets I have set for myself. But, the other truth of the matter is that there are other things happening in my life other than the event, and one of these things is that I have already started my 30-day Self-Love & Self-Worth journey, and I am on day 2.

Today, in the morning, I was thinking: will it be off center if I write on this so close to the event? But then I had a thought: my financial life is tied to my self-worth. These are not two separate things I am writing about. They are actually quite tied together. When you love yourself, when you value yourself, heck, when you believe you are worthy of good things, the money will follow.

Alright, enough yap-writing. Let’s get into my Self-Love journey. The thing is, I want to approach this a bit differently from my money journey. During my money journey, I listened to a lot of podcasts, and I would sit down with the knowledge and dispense it in the form of essays here. In my self-love journey, I am still listening to a lot of podcasts, still doing Yoga and Meditation, still eating healthy. But, the change comes in terms of the writing. I would like to approach the writing of this journey in the form of letters addressed to myself because, what is more romantic than love letters? And what is even more romantic than writing a love letter to yourself?

So here it goes.

Letter #1.

A Letter To Myself

My Dearest Amanda,

I have lived a thousand lifetimes with you, which is to say, I have held you in this country and its cacophonies and I have watched you walk through grief and emerge into bloom. You thought you would never be able to sing again. But look at you. Standing center stage. A spotlight shining bright as you open your throat and release the song stuck in it.

You remind me of a bird. You remind me of the sky too; all whites and blues and yellows and oranges but sometimes, grays too. Sometimes storms and thunders so loud you can barely breathe. But remember, rain is a source of growth too. If you listen closely, to the pattering of it, the sound of it as it seeps into your skin, you will see the flowers growing and expanding into someone bigger than you thought you could be.

You are the rain, and you are still the sunshine. You are beautiful and magnificent and powerful beyond measure. And yet, you have spent years hiding this fact from yourself. Like a wounded child, you have spent years in the corners, afraid to take that one brave step into the light. You have been broken as a result. You have smiled when your heart was shattering. You have cried yourself to sleep; body shaking so vigorously it almost broke your spirit. You have contemplated not existing; even going as far as romanticising the idea of it. The peace that it will bring! Surely, something else would be better than this pain.

And yet, in those darkest moments, and even more so in the flickerness of the light in these moments, you never stopped looking for it in everyone you met. That love. That deep unconditional, “I would die for you” love. That “I will hold you through everything” love. That softness, that gentleness, that warmth you yearn for.

You have been unlucky on all counts and you have blamed yourself for it. If only I was more understanding. More forgiving. More confident. More loving. More sexy. More prettier. More accomodating. More into them. More sacrificial. More into the things they were into. More culinary skills. More romantic. More faithful. More generous. More kinder. MORE. MORE. MORE.

You have tried to be MORE, but at what cost?

My dearest Amanda, I say this with all the love I have for you now: you never needed to be MORE anything. That thing you have been searching for in other people, you already had it inside you all along. You had the warmth, you had the beauty, you had the sexiness, you had the forgiveness, you had the ability to hold yourself in this country and its cacophonies and emerge into bloom. You are all these wonderful things. And most importantly, you had love because you are the love.

You are the love. You are the love. You are the love.

Please never forget that.

With Love and Warmth.

Resources

Podcasts

1. WAYS TO *ACTUALLY* PRACTICE SELF LOVE | healing guide + inner work & being your own best friend - A Better You Podcast

2. how to BUILD a relationship with yourself, especially if you’re anxiously attached. - Glow Up Secrets Podcast

Spotify Playlist:

I’d highly recommend listening to this playlist. It has wonderful poems and songs that speak to loving yourself softly.

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Today, while I was in the salon getting a pedicure, I opened my WhatsApp and Olive “The Bee” Bii had sent me this piece to publish. “Wrote a piece for your guest column today,” she had typed, and I was overjoyed just looking at that message, and even more excited when I read it, and felt extremely honoured that she chose to share this piece here. Bii, thank you for your words. Your writing reminded me that there are writers and people out here who are resonating with what I put out, and I am grateful beyond comprehension.

Please get ready to read Olive “The Bee” Bii!!

By Olive “The Bee” Bii

‘Sasa ukidedi leo, hiyo pesa umesave, nani atakulaaaa??’(paraphrased)

I grew up thinking poverty was the default. Like, everyone was born and destined to be poor, and only the lucky, evil few became rich. I can’t count the number of times I pointed at something on the supermarket shelf that I wanted, and my mother told me, ‘Hakuna pesa’ or ‘Si saa hii’. What did that do to an impressionable six-year-old? Teach her that money was scarce.

Still, seeing my father come home tired after work in a bad mood and not wanting to talk taught me that money was something that required strenuous amounts of effort to acquire. The last straw was when my father beheaded my extremely beloved robot girl toy to use as a lamp stand for his moonlighting egg business. From that simple act, I learnt that, to get money, I had to make painful sacrifices.

I only started to see money as something that could happen for someone like me when I first stepped into my sister’s apartment on the outskirts of Nairobi. Her house was so well-arranged. So simple yet so tastefully designed. That rewired my whole money mindset. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, my dream of being a rich woman would maybe somehow not be as delulu as I thought.

Over the years, I have learnt so much about money and how to manage it. Today, I will teach you two important lessons. So, you can all get told, ‘Na unakaa pesa!’ like me. Even when you have just 1 bob to your name.

1. Attaching Our Worth to Money/ Money beliefs.

This was my biggest money weakness. When I had money, I felt like I could fly. Like I was Muhammad Ali. Like no one could touch me. Having money in abundance gave me delusions of grandeur in a way nothing else in my life ever had. And what did this teach me? To constantly chase it. Because in my mind, it was something that was always running away from me, always ending.

Money was arriving in my account, and before it even sat and rested and acclimated itself with the environment, it was out and into another account. You see, I have ADHD. Essentially, it’s a dopamine deficiency that makes you seek dopamine in every way you can get it. And money is the ultimate dopamine boost. I’m not P-Square, but ADHD was chopping my money left, right and centre. Up till I found out that impulsive spending was one of the symptoms of ADHD, I just thought something was wrong with me, and I was just very irresponsible and careless. But it wasn’t that way at all.

Now, I am actively learning that my worth is rooted in my very existence and being. Not in any material things or amounts of money I could ever have. I have discovered other ways to boost my dopamine in order to not lean on money as a way to boost my dopamine and my self-worth. I’m currently in a financial valley, and I have successfully rewired my brain to know that I am worthy and enough, whether I have 30000 bob or 24.02 bob.

It’s been a hell of a ride trying to unlearn beliefs reinforced for years upon years. But now I’m finding out that money is abundant. And that the universe will always, always provide for me. I am rewiring my beliefs to, ‘Money flows to me easily, money flows to me often. I am someone who has money. Money is safe here.’ I am relearning to budget in a way that works for me, not in the way that everyone is taught they must do. I am realising that my dynamic with money is just like a human relationship. When I open my heart and create space for it to come and stay (structures, e.g., separate accounts and systems), it comes, and it stays. But if I think of it as the root of all evil, it stays far away from me.

2. Uses of money/ True source of money.

Money is for bigger use than for our self-image and individual needs. Obviously, we want to look good, slay, and have the coolest, latest gadgets and designer stuff. That’s what we’ve seen as the measure of success everywhere we look. But let me tell you something I found out. True money is quiet and calm. It has no point to prove. I always thought I wanted the big, flashy life. But I’m not sure anymore.

Anyway, I think money should be used to meet our needs, help us to acquire more skills and to help others. In an individualistic society, helping others is seen as weakness and stupidity. But I have seen how generosity circulates resources and opens doors for more money to come through. Ever noticed how when you send your friend some money, you get some more almost immediately, if not within days? When you open your hands to give, you receive. Closed hands don’t receive money, in the same way closed mouths don’t get fed.

Let me let you in on a secret. Money is not a result of effort. It is a result of internal energy. Money is a direct result of providing value and aligning with our purpose. So, you can do a million tiny odd jobs and go back home at midnight, but you may sometimes find yourself perpetually broke. Partially because the energy you’re operating from is that you need to work really hard for money, that money only comes if you work very hard. But many businesspeople and people in non-conventional careers often make more money long term, even when their work is not as strenuous and has less security than a traditional office job. Why? Because they often are aligned with their strengths, talents and purpose and provide value exactly where they feel they are aligned. Most of our money blocks are caused by misalignment, negative beliefs and mindsets, and getting stuck in jobs we hate because they keep the lights on. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work to pay your bills. I’m saying you should reflect on what life you want to lead long-term, so you don’t get stuck in a loop of unhappiness if you refuse to heed the calling that is your purpose.

Konklushen.

The more I know about money, the more I realise I know nothing. Sometimes the pressure gets to me, and I remind myself that nothing happens instantly. It’s a process. Just like Avatar Aang had to master how to control all the elements, you need to learn *how* to be a money bender.

And you learn day by day. There’s no ‘get rich quick’ scheme. I want to live a fine life, but I also want to have true bonds with the people I love. True wealth comes from a rich spirit, a rich mind and a rich soul. You are not how much you have, regardless of what the world tells you. Love and light. *virtual hugs*

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Did you enjoy reading Olive “The Bee” Bii? Oh, I bet you did, and boy oh boy, do I have some news for you! Bii has a Substack, where she publishes her great, witty pieces. Read, follow, and subscribe to her Substack: Kween Bee Mashine, and I guarantee you, you will leave there laughing.

And if you loved this particular writing, I bet you will enjoy the conversations in the first edition of Therapy Sessions: The Salon, themed Financial Literacy. Currently, there is an International Women’s Day offer running until tomorrow, 10th March. Hurry and get your ticket! I would really love to have you in the room.