It's a tough time out here. People are struggling mentally, emotionally, financially, and in just about every other way you can imagine. With that suffering comes a search for answers; something, anything that can alleviate the misery. In times like these, we see, whether for good or bad, a huge spike in self-help content. People want to know what they can do to make their lives even an inch better, and they turn to resources across the internet to do it.

In other circumstances, we might have otherwise considered this craze in self-improvement a good thing. People improving their mental and emotional circumstances. What's not to root for? Unfortunately, not all self-help content is created equal, and some of it can actually enforce dangerous or half-cocked notions that further undermine our happiness. It’s important to know the difference between good self-help and bad self-help, but that requires increasing our own understanding of a tricky topic.

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When we are confronted with our anger, it can be an unpleasant and uncomfortable experience. We’ve been taught to fear our anger, and to avoid it at all costs. It figures into our views on gender and even our views on self. It has the power to stir and transform entire nations, yet we fear it more than we seek to understand it.

Our anger can be a transformative force for good when we stop running from it and start embracing it. Anger comes from a primitive, purposeful place, and it’s our job to see it for what it is and redirect its power in our lives. When we allow ourselves to stop running from the anger and the pain that’s stirring within us, we can often find the energy and the inspiration to change ourselves (and the world around us) for the better.

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We all fall victim to bad luck at some point in our lives. Whether we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, or we make a choice that lands us in the muck,  bad luck happens, and when it does, it can feel impossible to bounce back.

Bad luck comes in spurts. For me, it seems to come in cycles of three, and when it does, it leads to some seriously negative cycles.

I had often heard the phrase, “when it rains, it pours,” but I had never quite believed it  until I fell victim to a string of bad luck that almost became the big end for me.

I had positioned myself into a career that looked like it had no end in sight. In 5 years, I had gone from a hopeless waitress-grunt to a successful adult, all in my own right. Suddenly, though, everything was ripped out from under my feet when not only my career collapsed, but my health too.

Circumstances were out of my control.

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As adults, many of us are hobbled by the experiences and pain of our childhood. When you undergo extreme upset or trauma in your youth, it leaves a mark that haunts you forever; no different from a bookmark that leaves you forever looking backward at a page you couldn’t yet read or understand.

In order to lead happy, fulfilling lives as adults, we have to resolve this pain and teach our inner child that it’s safe to enjoy themselves and dwell again in a world that once taught them pain.

We must embrace our inner children and let them out to play if we want to find our joy in this life. Tapping into this radical sort of self-healing enables us to reshape our perspective of self, and the patterns of thinking keep us small or stuck in the darkness of our pasts.

It’s not an easy process, though, and it’s not always one that should be done without the aid of a mental health professional. It is a necessary process, though, and one that can bring with it true transformation and happiness.

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The idea of a friendship with your child is a tempting one. If only you could be connected at the hip and intimately included in their innermost thoughts. That is not the role of a parent, though, and parents who take this path do a great disservice to their children in the long run.

The bigger picture has to be considered. As a parent, it’s your job to teach your child how to be a better human. That can’t be done when you fall back on the path and put yourself side-by-side with them. Rather than squarely out in front where a leader and guardian belongs.

The dangers of trying to be your child's best friend.

Children don’t come into this world with a close knowledge of how to be functional, successful human beings. They are a clean slate, and they look to their caretakers to show them the way through life, relationships, and building of self. When a parent decides to be a friend, instead of a teacher, they lose authority. But they also damage emotional connection and make it impossible for their child to create a sense of control.

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We all face certain hardships and insecurities which can cause us to turn on those closest to us, or look around at others with envy.

Envy is a toxic emotion which causes us to covet and long for the things that we perceive other people to have. Ignoring your envy allows it to fester, which can take a serious toll on your personality and your relationship. You’ve got to put this extreme jealousy to bed once and for all in order to live a complete and happy life.

Stop allowing your envy to corrode the relationships you build with others. You don’t have to long after the things other people have. You can create them for yourself by getting clear on your needs and taking action in the name of your fulfillment and wellbeing. No one travels the same path as us. Don’t look to achieve the manifestations of someone else. Want your own things in this life and want things that are genuinely aligned to who you are on the inside.

Harboring too much envy can make the soul turn bitter.

As humans, we have a complex array of emotions which impact the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and even the world around us. Some of these emotions (like love, happiness, and gratitude) are positive, while others (like anger, resentment, and sadness) are negative.

Envy is one of these negative emotions, and it can seriously corrode our image of self and the relationships we share with other people. Envy makes us bitter, not better, so we should seek to resolve it and put it to bed in every instance.

Don’t embrace your envy as a force for good and don’t allow it to interrupt the connections you are trying to build. There is no point in envying anyone for the things they achieve on their journey. We’re all traveling different paths, and we’re all capable of achieving our own versions of happiness and fulfillment.

Know the signs of envy and know how it affects your life and your relationships. From fake appreciation to passive-aggressive toxicity, not all envy always rides overtly out in the open. We have to be honest with ourselves. Why are you looking to someone else for the things you should be seeking from within? You alone have the power to define your future. Hating someone else for the happiness they achieve will bring you no closer to your own.

Common signs of out-of-control envy.

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One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in this life is the gift of an antifragile mind. More than being resilient, the antifragile mind is flexible and able to grow and thrive under any circumstances. Someone with this mindset can overcome and become better, even when they find themselves in places that other people would sink.

Tragedy, upset, heartbreak, disappointment, rage. All of these things are inevitable in life, and the antifragile mind helps us to navigate them and find ourselves, regardless.

What does the antifragile mind look like? What does it feel like?

The idea of the “antifragile mind” was first proposed by Nassim Taleb, who viewed it as a mind that was capable of growth and resilient to the shocks and shambles of life. According to his description of this mind state, the antifragile person was one who thrived despite “volatility, randomness, disorder, and stressors…”.

You’ve probably met people like this and admired them greatly in your life. You know the ones. Those who love adventure, risk, and uncertainty. Or, at the very least, those who can be authentic despite the tumbles of modern-day living.

To build an antifragile mind, we have to focus on more than resilience. We have to learn to celebrate adversity and see (always) the silver lining and the benefit in the experience. Life is full of lessons, and all of those lessons bring us closer to our core truths when we find the strength to listen.

Instead of running from your fears and your mistakes, turn your mistakes into opportunities. Learn the lesson, take the punch, and make yourself something better because of it. Consider the humanity in the experience that is struggling. There is nothing you face that has not been survived by someone else already.

Connect with that shared power and experience. Celebrate your strengths and fall in love with new and more powerful versions of yourself. Don’t let the hardships make you a victim. Build a victory mindset for yourself and be determined to thrive no matter what happens next.

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We are living through historical times, even if it’s hard to see from our place in the present moment.

No matter where you look, things are changing — fast. From the way we approach pandemics to the way we approach politics, there are some changes we have to keep up with every single day. There is, perhaps, no bigger shift, though, than the one taking place in parenting.

Like never before, we’re witnessing multiple generations standing on the edge of a major reckoning and a major realization when it comes to the way they were parented and the way their children need to be parented.

Parents are more aware than ever.

Beyond just buying ourselves some nostalgic toys — giving yourself a second childhood is actually a nuanced process of being the caretaker you never had. This re-parenting involves repairing the attachments and beliefs that were formed between ourselves and our caretakers in childhood, while forming a new foundation of love and unconditional acceptance (James & Goulding, 1998).

You don’t have to hang on to the abuse, neglect and criticisms of the people who raised you. You can become your own person and give that inner child the safety they never knew.

Generations of parents are waking up to their mistakes and their renewed responsibilities.

So many of us have a profound new consciousness of our mental and emotional bodies — and how they hold us back and impact our relationships and day-to-day lives. We’re waking up to the missteps of our parents and how those feed into our own mistakes with our children. Beyond that, we’re seeing their futures and understanding where we sell them short.

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Love is a complex thing. When we fall for someone, we can find ourselves on a path with a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes we’re close, and things are good, but life can also test us and challenge the way we relate to one another.

No matter how tough life gets, though, there are certain behaviors that we should never engage in if we truly love our partners or respect their needs and their happiness.

There can't be love without mutual respect.

What do you think of when you imagine love? Usually, we think of good memories or good experiences we hope to have. We don’t often imagine the hardships that will come our way or those tough moments in between when communicating becomes the hardest part of holding things together.

Love is also about how we behave and react throughout the entirety of our relationship. It’s about a commitment to respect throughout our commitment to one another.

There can be no happy or equitable relationship without a foundation of respect. We have to respect the needs of one another, and we have to have respect for the commitment we’ve made to one another. We don’t hurt our partners intentionally, and we don’t go out of our way to injure their feelings or make them feel small.

Does your partner respect you and your emotions? Do they make space for you in your heart and in the home? What about the commitment you’ve made to one another? Do they respect the sanctity of the agreements you’ve made together? Do they respect your friends? Do they come home when they say they will?

We deserve to be loved in a healthy way, but that can only happen when we wake up and accept what real love is, and what it isn't.

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Although you may have aimed for a partner who checked all the right boxes, you may confront someone who differs greatly from what you envisioned. Sometimes, we fall for toxic people.

Those toxic people include narcissists. Have you fallen in love with a narcissist? If you’re serious about building a happy future for yourself, then you need to get serious about accepting the signs and taking action in the name of your well-being.

Signs you might have fallen for a narcissistic person.

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Are you living a satisfying life? Are you surrounded by the people and the things that inspire you, or bring you a sense of loving peace?

It’s hard to stay focused on the future when we’re living in an uncomfortable reality. In order for us to find true contentment in this life, we have to find more practical ways to rediscover our sense of satisfaction and the enjoyment we take from the world around us.

Life doesn't really get less challenging.

Modern living is a unique challenge. We are living in unprecedented times, and it can feel a bit like we’re trying to build a castle on shifting sands. As soon as we become accustomed to things as they are, they change again. We are forever at the mercy of a world that’s plagued by hardship and turmoil. Is it even possible to find satisfaction in the midst of it all? Yes.

It is possible to tap into your deeper sense of contentment and meaning, no matter what is going on in the world.

The first step requires that you admit you’re lacking in life satisfaction. Until we are honest about the signs that are all around us, it’s impossible to make meaningful change to our mental state or the way in which we see the world.

Once we’ve embraced this core honesty, we can initiate the action that will transform our outlook and the general satisfaction we find in life (DiCastro, 2018). By committing to personal accountability, we can discover that we do indeed have control over the meaning we embrace.

What are the signs of low satisfaction in life?

Are you feeling bored with your life? Trapped, anxious, or hopeless? When we’re battling unease and a serious case of malaise, it’s important to be honest with ourselves and accept the signs of dissatisfaction.

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The people we choose to spend our lives with make a big difference in the quality of the future we build for ourselves. When we choose partners who are stable and emotionally aware, we end up with mature relationships that are able to stand the test of time.

Going the other way can bring an entire host of issues, though. Investing in people who are immature and high-conflict can lead to serious disconnects and disruptions that undermine our happiness and overall joy in this life.

Investing in the right relationships is key to a happy future.

Building the right relationships takes a lot of time, but it also requires that we select the right partners, too. We should look for people who value us, but also those who respect us and the journey that we’re on. To build a life together, we have to be willing to compromise and grow together. That only happens when both partners are open, honest, and at peace with where they’re going.

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Children bear a lot of hurt and upset in this life, which they absorb silently, and with a great grace they get little credit for. They watch their families fall apart, and the world shatter around them. More and more, they are asked to handle the traumas of this world, but that is no greater than the trauma that many experience at home.

Physical and mental abuse are common, but emotional incest is something just as insidious as both. Were you the victim of an emotionally weak parent? You may be paying the cost, even now, in every facet of your adult life.

The reality of emotional incest in dysfunctional families.

Emotional incest occurs whenever a parent or caretaker becomes overly emotionally dependent on their child. An insidious form of abuse, this is particularly damaging to the child as they grow, develop, and become an adult with their own perception of self (and relationships).

Common in homes where trauma is generational, as well as homes in which parents are divorced, or things are dysfunctional, many of us are dealing with and coping with emotional incest every single day.

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Would you say that you’re living a life that’s self-defined? Becoming self-actualized is an important part of growing up and creating organic happiness for ourselves and the lives we’re building.

No matter what your goals are in life, you need to have a core sense of self-belief. You need to be confident in who you are and know that you have a right to build a future that brings you joy. But what does true self-actualization look like, and how can it benefit our lives? Understanding is the key to unlocking our happiest selves.

Self-actualization can look like a lot of different things to different people.

Sure, we all think of self-actualization differently. But there are still some core traits that define the height of self-actualization when we reach it. When you know who you are, you appreciate life, and you begin to revel in it. Beyond that, you find a natural sense of compassion and connection that brings you closer to the world and your natural flow of happiness.

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Every relationship runs into hardships and challenges over time, and these setbacks really do a lot to wreck our sense of self and balance in the world.

Sometimes we’re riding high with our partners, and sometimes we aren’t. We can feel the heights of passion and joy with them, and the lows of grief and upset, too. The emotion we have to confront the most, though, is anger. Are you angry at your partner? Have you harbored that anger for a long time? Moving on requires processing, building a new vision, and letting go.

Are you angry with one another?

Are you and your partner angry with one another? Are you making threats, giving each other the silent treatment, or otherwise going out of your way to make your displeasure (passive-aggressively) known? There are a lot of signs that anger could be ripping your relationship apart, but you need to be honest in order to see it and acknowledge the toxicity for what it is.

Silent treatment

When partners are angry at one another (but unwilling to confront the issues), they often engage in the age-old tradition of giving each other the silent treatment. Rather than talking things through, you ignore one another and shut down emotionally. Nothing is talked about. As a matter of fact, you may avoid one another entirely.

Bubbling resentment

Do you feel like you resent your partner? Resentment is a common side effect of angry wounds left unaddressed. As your needs and desires go unmet, you see your partner as failing your expectations more and more. Positive feelings slip away, and you begin to associate them with a deep anger that drives you apart.

Intentional hurts

People don’t just shut down or avoid one another when they’re angry. For some, injuring others is the technique they like to resolve the pain they’re suffering with inside. You may notice that your partner goes out of their way to hurt your feelings or disrespect you. On a small scale, they may be rude or dismissive. But on the larger scale, the damage can be much, much bigger.

Engaging autopilot

It’s not uncommon to check out when you’re angry. If you’re not someone who can easily discuss their feelings, you may bury them away and then put yourself on autopilot instead. While this may seem like a good coping technique for a while, eventually the chaos adds up, and you find yourself dealing with even more complex emotions and thoughts.

Increased conflict

Increased conflict is one of the most common side effects of anger harbored in a relationship. Are you and your partner fighting more? Are your conflicts becoming increasingly volatile or painful? The more you invest in conflict resolution, the worse things will eventually become. Whenever we’re fighting more than we’re (effectively) talking, it’s important to take note and reconfigure.

Constant disrespect

Is your partner being increasingly disrespectful of you or your needs? Do they cheat on you? Do they ignore you? Do they fail to make time for you in their lives or their social schedules? Constant disrespect can very often stem from a place of anger. Once a partner feels as though they aren’t being valued and seen, they can find themselves less-than-willing to make room for their other halves.

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How to handle anger in a healthy way.

Although we’ve been conditioned to avoid anger, it can be a healthy tool for growth when we acknowledge it and learn how to use it to our advantage. By confronting your anger as a team, you and your partner can address issues and become closer than ever before. Process your anger when it arises, though, and remember to value honest resolution over all our revolutionary warfare.

1. Process your feelings first

Anger is a potent emotion, and it can move us into strange places. When we’re angry at our partners, we can lash out in ways that don’t even align with our beliefs or our intentions. That’s why it’s so crucial to step back and process our emotions when we’re feeling angry or hurt in especially powerful ways.

Before you can effectively approach your partner, you need to communicate what you’re feeling. Doing that requires that we question what’s going on and the source of our anger.

Whenever you get angry or upset with your partner, put your hands up and excuse yourself. Responding in a moment of negative emotion will only lead to more negative emotion. Give yourself time to process what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling.

Question your emotions and where they’re coming from. Why are you upset with your partner? Have they genuinely offended? Or are you projecting your insecurities and perceptions onto them? Getting these answers is all part of figuring out what we want to say to our partner and how we want to say it.

Before you charge in and commit to action that you regret, process your feelings and figure out how you want to move forward.

2. Come back ready to work

Getting clear on where your anger is coming from is a crucial first step, but it’s meaningless if you don’t also have a commitment to getting things fixed. Many people are blinded by their anger. Even when they take time to process, they still don’t use it to move forward with the right intentions.

We have to see our anger as a chance to fix things and then approach our partners only when we’re ready to get our hands dirty and really work.

Once you’ve got a handle on how you’re feeling, you need to re-approach your partner with a renewed work ethic and sense of purpose. Both of you have to want things to be better, and that desire to improve must be stronger than your anger at one another.

After you’ve processed your emotions, refocus on a new vision of your partnership. Create a plan that allows you to get motivated to get your relationship back on track. Before you sit down and have a serious conversation or confront your partner, you need to be prepared to do the work it takes to get things back on track.

Don’t jump into facing the issues until you’re sure you can follow through and work as a team to course correct.

3. Never stop talking about it

Like it or not, there’s no repairing a relationship without talking things out. Dialogue is a must in human interactions. You need to explain your anger to your partner and the events that led to the emotion. You need to give them the opportunity to see things from your perspective. And, really, you owe it to yourself to do the same for them.

Having a handle on your feelings and what you want to fix, the next move requires sitting your partner down and having an actual conversation.

This is a chance to express your needs, and what you want to see fixed in your relationship. If you want things to improve, then you and your partner need to talk things out and figure out what went wrong. Together, you can get going in the right direction, but an honest dialogue has to be opened up.

Find a safe time and place in which you can both speak uninterrupted. Tell your partner how you’re feeling and what’s occurred to upset them. Even as you describe these events, though, make sure you’re staying focused on solutions. We have to want to fix things more than we want to be right, or to get revenge.

Make space for your partner to express their own feelings, and allow them to express their anger and their upset. Together, be prepared to work in the name of one another’s needs.

4. See it as a chance to grow

A lot of us avoid our angry moments (and confrontation) because we see it as a sign of failure or a “bad” relationship. It’s understandable. We’ve been coached to see conflict as a problem, and taught (through our previous failed partnerships) that it’s to be avoided at all costs. That’s not how issues get resolved, though.

We have to confront what’s wrong inside and out, and if we can’t do that, we can’t grow. In order to find the strength to confront our anger, we have to change the way we interact with it entirely.

See your anger as a chance to grow together, rather than apart. When you’re angry, it means that something has pushed your boundaries or crossed you in a way that needs to be addressed. This is an opportunity to correct something that could become a bigger issue later on down the road.

All of our emotions come from somewhere, and they serve a purpose. It’s up to us to translate them and address the underlying issues that corrode our partnerships. Shift your perspective and stop avoiding anger because you see it as a “negative”. It’s not.

Our anger is just as valuable as any other emotion we experience — including happiness, sadness, grief, or fear. When you both change the way you see your anger, you can approach it (and one another) with greater compassion and understanding.

5. Value resolution over glory

Anger can drive us to some strange places, but we can’t let it drag us under. Although your anger may come from a place of being genuinely wronged, it still doesn’t give you the right to subject your partner to punishment. Our emotions are indicators, not justifications for petty behaviors and poor intentions.

Instead of using your anger as a weapon, you must accept it as a catalyst for change. Value resolution over the glory of getting one over on a partner you feel has upset you.

Don’t spend any time dreaming up revenge or some way to “get even”. It won’t happen. What will happen, though, is that you’ll wound up hurt and even more angry than before. If peace and happiness are your goals, then you have to value resolution over the glory of revenge or “being right”.

Put your ego in the backseat. When we allow it to combine with our anger, it creates a toxic mix that destroys our relationships. Instead, focus on the endgame of resolution. What does it look like? What needs to change in your relationship to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Question your anger and acknowledge what you need from yourself and your partner in order to put it to bed. By putting resolution in the forefront, we can move past our anger and any petty temptations that further rupture our relationships.

Putting it all together…

Is there anger simmering in the corners of your relationship? Whether you’re giving each other the silent treatment or having all-out brawls, anger is a problem that’s not confronted honestly in our partnerships. Both of you need to confront your emotions and present the issues openly as they arise. Then, you can work together to overcome them and find the resolution that you need.

Process your feelings first and get to the root of where your anger is really coming from. Familiar with the source, you can then figure out what needs to change and commit to putting in the effort it takes to change things. Sit your partner down. Explain why you’re upset, and explain, too, how you envision things being fixed.

Open up a dialogue with one another and find the middle ground as a team. Instead of avoiding your anger (or the conflict it may bring) shift your perspective and see it as a chance to grow together. This changes the way we communicate and see our partnership.

Above all else, put your petty temptations to the side and move beyond your need to be “right”. We move past our anger when we learn how to do it honestly and with our hearts open.

Recommended reading:

• Bodenmann, G., Meuwly, N., Bradbury, T., Gmelch, S., & Ledermann, T. (2010). Stress, anger, and verbal aggression in intimate relationships: Moderating effects of individual and dyadic coping. Journal Of Social And Personal Relationships, 27(3), 408–424. doi: 10.1177/0265407510361616

© E.B. Johnson 2026

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When we take off the rose-tinted glasses of childhood, many of us find ourselves looking into the abyss of a broken upbringing.

Childhood trauma, the juvenile exploits of our parents, and even unaddressed mental illness can destroy the baselines we build as children. And they can go a long way to create the negative patterns that undermine our happiness as adults.

Accepting the fact that you were raised in a dysfunctional family household is a painful process, but one that’s necessary in order for us to heal. The way we are treated as children, and the experiences we tie into our crucial developmental memory, help us to determine how we define our self-worth, our relationship, and even the way we make decisions.

Overcoming all the traumas and tribulations of our childhood takes perseverance, however, and it takes committing to a journey that’s as uncomfortable as it is uncertain.

Being a dysfunctional adult is a hard path to tread.

It’s not always easy to admit that we grew up in broken or dysfunctional homes, but it’s a realization that many of us wake up to as broken and struggling adults. The way we are raised has a drastic and (sometimes) permanent effect on the way we see ourselves and the way we see others. It’s a vital piece of who we are, and — unless we work hard to overcome and understand it fully — it can seriously undermine our lives.

Waking up, as an adult, to the truth of your upbringing is a painful and necessary process. More often than not, this occurs when we wake up to the negative spiral of patterns that are leading us to rock bottom again and again, and get real about healing and resolving them on some real and crucial levels.

We can heal the pain of our childhood, but it takes digging deep, and it takes confronting memories that aren’t always enjoyable. Overcoming the pain and uncertainty of a broken home life takes time, and it takes getting comfortable with the uncomfortable parts of who our caretakers were and who we are today. If you want to heal from your history of broken family debacles, you can forge a way forward. Knowledge is the only way to arm ourselves and access the healing ahead.

The typical characteristics of a dysfunctional childhood.

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No matter who you are or where you come from, there are substantial odds that you have pursued romantic love at some point in your life. For many, we are taught that this is one of the most important things we can achieve in life. The partner, the wedding, the house with the picket fence. It’s the chase that never ends for some. But why?

Why do we chase this love? And beyond that, why do so many of us go off chasing all the wrong things in this love?

When you come to see a partnership as simply the automatic next step, or use it as a means to an end, you will find yourself burdened with troubled, pained partnerships that limp along in misery.

Until we learn to reprioritize our needs and align them with the actions we take within our relationships, there is little hope of building a future that is equitable and fulfilling. If we want to find true and lasting love, we have to first stand on our own two feet and see passion and love as a compliment, rather than an end-all, be-all conquest.

Love is more complicated than we were taught.

Were you someone who was brought up to believe that love was something that came easily and stayed forever? Many of us (at some point or another) fall for the narrative of magical love and its mystically transformative properties.

We invest all our energy into a “love at first sight” mentality that tells us we fall once and then must ride or die into whatever chaotic eternity comes next. We look for partners who carry us, or we look for people to provide a meaning we should be providing for ourselves.

Love is far more complicated than we have traditionally been led to think. It’s not a magical event, it’s a course of work that takes a lot of energy and a lot of commitment every single day. That’s why one-sided relationships don’t work, and why partnerships based on superficial pressures always collapse. Unless you build a life with someone you truly love, the motivation to overcome adversity just won’t last. We have to be honest about who we are and what we want (specifically) from this life.

That means getting to know who we are outside of a partnership, while looking inward to identify the toxic patterns that have kept us moving in the direction of all the wrong people. Once you know who you are and what you want, you can find a truly equal partner who wants those same things and is willing to work for them.

That doesn’t mean someone who will carry you. It means someone who will complement your journey and encourage you to do better. When we spend our lives chasing the wrong ideals in love, the more challenging and clouded our futures become.

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Concrete signs you're seeking the wrong things from your romantic relationships.

Are you constantly dealing with drama, pain, or heartache in your relationships? Do you find yourself constantly struggling uphill against partners who just don’t seem to have what it takes to love you? You might be looking for the wrong things when it comes to your life and the people you choose to fill it with.

You want them to validate your entire life

When it comes to love, so many of us fall in with the wrong people because we’re desperately searching for outward validation. Failing to get enough love or support early on in life can lead to a chase that lasts all your adult life.

Feeling as though you were never good enough for past partners or even your caretakers, you start to look for other people who will tell you that you’re worthy or good enough to be loved and valued. The problem, however, is that we are the only ones who can provide that validation and subsequent sense of worth to ourselves.

You want to lean on them for every single thing

Are you looking for a partner who will support you totally and without question? This might come down to a complete financial bolstering, or you might expect them to do all the physical and emotional labor when it comes to building a life and a home together. However it is managed, when you fall into this trap, you can find yourself looking for more of a lackey in your laziness, than a help-meet and equal that can inspire you when things get challenging.

They're just bragging rights to you

Although it is the most superficial of all the struggles, some people find themselves in failing relationships because they’re chasing the most superficial of standards. Seeking a partner who is considered a “trophy” or who gives you a sense of pride or “bragging rights” is no way to go about building a relationship that can last or overcome.

While physical attraction is important, it fades. There must be a substantial alignment of needs and values beneath the surface in order to survive the natural course of time.

You’re using them to climb in society

While a good deal of us may look for a partner who can provide financial security, there are an even larger number who look for a partner who can bolster their trajectory through society. This isn’t to say we’re all looking for millionaire socialites. But it is to say that there are some who pursue relationships not out of a desire to love someone, but out of a desire to meet cultural and societal standards. Marriage and partnership can be a leg up in life to those who inhabit specific circles.

You just want to fit in with the crowd

We all feel weird or feel like we don’t belong at some point in our lives. For some of us, this feeling can be quite overwhelming, and it forces us to flee into the boxes we feel we should “check”. For some, this can mean forcing a relationship that just doesn’t work, no matter the costs.

You find the first person who is willing to sign up and fight to create a world that is a poor fit for both partners. All in the name of fitting some standards or ideals that have been imposed upon you by society or your cultural and religious standards.

You just need them to complete the picture

For many in this world, family means everything. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to see your partner as simply a means to getting that family you’ve always dreamed of. This happens when you aren’t really that interested in growing with them.

They’re just a sperm/egg bank to you, or the last piece needed in a very complicated puzzle you’re working out for yourself. While building a family is a special process you have a right to undertake, you should do it with someone who genuinely wants to have that same experience with you.

You want them to wait hand and foot on you

Believe it or not, not everyone is looking for someone who will provide them with financial or emotional support. Though it’s hard to fathom, there are those who see relationships as a quick and easy way to acquire an indentured servant in life.

These individuals look for someone to be submissive or to compliantly follow them through life, while meeting their every whim and giving in to every desire. No matter what your religion or your beliefs might lead you to believe, this isn’t love — it’s servitude, and a dangerous way to find yourself stuck and alienated from everything that matters.

There are better things to seek in love and connection.

You can transform the way you look at relationships by transforming the way you look at yourself. Stop looking for validation and focus on identifying what you really need from life. Stop looking for a meal ticket and start standing on your own two feet. There are a million ways you can reshape the way you see love, but these 5 basics are a good place to start.

1. Falling in love with self-fulfillment

Before you can ever hope to build a happy life with another person, you have to build a happy life for yourself. Think of it like putting yourself on the right track. In order to find “the right person,” you have to be in the right place and surrounded by the right opportunities. Beyond that, you also have to be the best possible version of yourself if you want any hope of attracting the best possible partner of your dreams.

Standing on your own two feet empowers you to see true love from the best angle available.

Spend some time getting familiar with who you are and what you want from life. Then, figure out your own course of action to getting those things — free of dependency on another person. Embrace your independence. Revel in it and find the power in supporting and providing for yourself. When you do this, you’ll attract other people in a similar place on their journeys. Ambitious, stable. You’ll find people that finally have it together.

Loving partnerships aren’t about finding people who can alleviate the burden of living. We alone are responsible for the pressures, stress, and baggage that constitute our journey here on this planet. No one can (or should) be responsible for providing what we can provide for ourselves.

No one should have to bear the burden of healing us or making us feel as though we have meaning and purpose. Do you want a relationship that’s balanced, equitable, and built on the knowledge that you can rely on one another? Start by standing on your own.

2. Figuring out who you really are

Beyond independence, it’s crucial that we also know who we are in order to build relationships that fit our needs. You can’t know what you want from life or love until you know who you are. Knowing who we are builds our confidence and allows us to move in the direction that best suits our dreams, desires, and personality.

It also allows us to identify the people who complement those things, while setting boundaries that protect us from those who disrespect our needs.

Instead of waiting for another person to define you, get to know who you are and what you want from your life. Identify your passions, be brutally honest about what you need from a career, a family, your friendship groups, or even where you live. Figure out all those little moving pieces of your life and then ask yourself, “What person best fits this vision?”

Fall in love with yourself. Focus on cultivating a self-confidence that enables you to embrace all that you are with wild and reckless abandon. Open up to that inner child and allow them to lead you in the direction of that authentic sense of purpose and meaning.

Rather than chasing other people and the things they can offer you, spend some time chasing everything you can provide for yourself. Celebrate your victories and allow them to fulfill that need to belong, and that need to be seen and valued.

3. Figuring out a complementary flow

In the days of our parents and grandparents, there was a different standard for relationships, as well as what constituted “love”. Today, we have a more equalized view of what it means to build a life together, and we have a more complete view of independence as it relates to our individuality.

Rather than seeing relationships as something to “escape” into, we have to start seeing them as a complementary asset to an already blooming and thriving life.

Stop looking for someone who can rescue you. Stop looking for someone who is going to cut in and take all the work off your shoulders. Look, instead, for someone who adds to your life more than they detract from it. Find someone who compliments you, your skills, your drive. Discover a person who wants to grow beside you, rather than in front of (or behind) you.

Complimentary relationships provide us comfort and support without getting in the way of our journey. A complimentary partner is not one who tells you what you want to hear, they are someone who tells you what you need to hear — even when it’s hard.

They want the best for you, but they want you to provide the best for yourself. Because they know the limitless depth of your ability, and they believe in what you want because it’s what they want too.

4. Learning how to balance the boundaries

Our standards and our boundaries are a crucial part of forming any relationship, though it’s one we often overlook or easily push aside. Standards are the bars of behavior and belief we set for ourselves and those we surround ourselves with. Our boundaries are the security lines we put up, and the way in which we communicate what’s expected of those we love.

When we give up these things, we give up on our values and our needs in a way that can be dangerous in intimate partnerships.

Rather than allowing someone else to dictate where the lines are drawn for you, draw those lines for yourself. Figure out what standard of companionship you need in order to feel as though your energy is being well spent. Define (explicitly) what the perfect partner looks and feel like to you, then consider what you are and aren’t willing to accept from them.

Understand that you have a right to hold boundaries that are just as hard and fast as your partners. Know that you’re allowed to walk away when someone disrespects you, and know that you are allowed to have self-respect and self-worth. Those things aren’t given up in the name of another person.

We bolster them by getting specific about our standards of life and love, while setting the boundaries that protect our needs and our well-being from those who would hurt us or do us harm.

5. Re-prioritize needs and action

Are you someone who has stumbled from relationship to relationship, blindly hoping that you’ll find the right answer somewhere in the chaos? This often comes from an inability to define your own needs while aligning them with appropriate action. Having no sense of direction, you fall into one toxic partnership and then the next. You have to identify your needs, then align yourself with the action that moves you towards those needs.

If you want a family, stop chasing players. If you want a big penthouse with a landing pad and a CEO spouse, take some night courses and get in the entrepreneurial spirit yourself. Stop jumping into the arms of the first person who will let you, while assuming they’ll be able to provide the things you need. If you want something, you need to take your own action to provide that.

Outside of this alignment of action, you need to re-prioritize your views on love and relationships. Is it really the most important thing in your life? If you were on your deathbed tomorrow — and the only thing you had accomplished was one (broken, failed, but) truly loving relationship — would that be enough?

Or do you want to do more? Do you want to help more people and leave more of a legacy behind? There’s no right or wrong answer. The only wrong solution is putting yourself in a box that doesn’t fit.

Building better relationships together and apart.

Love is a powerful thing, and it can move us into some truly strange places. Although our relationships mean a lot to us, they can become toxic and defeating when we chase the wrong things in these partnerships. Rather than just looking for a meal ticket or an endless font of support, we should seek to build complementary partnerships only after taking some time to truly get to know who we are.

Spend some time standing on your own two feet rather than searching for someone to carry you through this life. We alone can find the happiness, healing, and fulfillment that we’re looking for.

Embrace your independence and find those things for yourself before you involve someone else in your struggles. Know who you are so that you can know who you truly need and seek to build relationships that complement your journey…rather than defining them. Relationships are beautiful and powerful things, but they shouldn’t be the center of our existence. Branch out on your own and chase your own identity and passions.

Then, set some standards of life and love that allow you to create boundaries (and relationships that work for you). Tired of the constant on-again-off-again struggle? Re-prioritize what intimate relationships mean to you, then align that with your needs and your actions.

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© E.B. Johnson 2026

How compassionate are you with yourself? When you mess up, are you kind to yourself? Are you understanding when you make mistakes?

The truth is that a lot of us have a hard time being compassionate with ourselves. We’ll be kind and loving with our friends, our families, and even strangers on the street — but not ourselves. Why?

Well, it comes down to our history and the patterns and beliefs we have internalized over time. When we shift those, we can change our lives for the better.

Why do you have compassion for others, but not for yourself?

There’s a very specific reason that you have no compassion for yourself. And while that reason may differ for each of us, make no mistake in thinking that it is random or without correction. You can learn how to love, honor, and value yourself. But it takes first peeling back the layers and confronting the truth that lies beneath our need to destroy ourselves from the inside out.

Whether learned through your social groups or linked to a history of serious trauma, your lack of self-compassion must be understood in order to be addressed.

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When we focus on toxic relationships, many of us have a funny way of thinking that only our romantic relationships can go bad enough to ruin our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Any bond we form can go badly. Any connection that we share with another human being can become toxic or dysfunctional in ways that harm. That includes our friendships.

Does one of your friendships cause you anxiety and fear? Do you feel like you’re being walked over or disrespected? It may be time to admit that the friend you value has become an emotional threat. It may be time to admit that your friendship is abusive.

Are you in an abusive friendship?

Have your once-idyllic friendships turned into a nightmare? Are you constantly fighting your friend, avoiding them, or otherwise dealing with chaos, anxiety, and fear? Our friends should be a source of support … not a source of misery. Has your friendship become abusive? These are some of the signs you should be aware of.

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Narcissists are toxic, for sure, but they can be dangerous too. When a narcissist is rejected or denied something that they want, you can find them slipping into a blind rage that results in poisonous and self-destructive behaviors. Rather than cowering in fear of the narcissists in our lives, we have to learn how to stand up to them and protect ourselves.

That’s something that requires from us courage, however, and the knowledge that we have an equal right to peace, happiness, and tranquility.

Knowing that you have a narcissist in your life isn’t enough. You have to protect yourself against them, and that starts with understanding how they work. Denying or rejecting a narcissist is akin to questioning their sense of self. When this occurs, you’re destined for blow-ups, explosions, and a wasteland of emotions that lead to instability and unhappiness. Overcome the attacks of the narcissists in your life and protect your right to thrive and live in peace. Let go of their nastiness and live your own life by shielding yourself in knowledge, compassion, and understanding.

The most hated word in the narcissist's lexicon is "no.”

There is no person in the world who hates the concept of “no” more than a narcissist (except, perhaps, a toddler). When a self-obsessed person is rejected or denied something they set out to achieve, it becomes a personal attack that questions their character and calls all their previous decisions into question. Because everything in the world is about the narcissist, anything you say contrary to their delusional reality becomes a personal attack.

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