But first, here’s a photo:

I mean, dang, flowers, what are y’all DOING?

Life has been brilliant lately.

I go ballroom dancing 4x a week.

Seriously, yes.

I also have this calendar up now, thanks to my wonderful sister.

And Michigan’s summer has been beautiful, truly.

I love driving down the dirt roads in my yellow truck.

Oh yeah, and the flowers here are different from California…

But I love them. They look like flames.

And also, I saw these weird seed pods during my walk!

So yeah, life is going so well.

Here are some new quotes I’ve heard that I love:

It's dishonest to judge others SOLELY based on what they do wrong

Guilt is another form of self-focus

You cannot hate yourself into a version of yourself that you would love

Balance is the thing I pass by when I'm swinging from one extreme to another

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Later this month, I’ll be releasing a new podcast episode about suicide in honor of National Suicide Prevention Month.

Stay tuned if you’re interested.

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I’d been praying for years for something in my life to change.

I wanted to survive. I was clinging to God with every ounce of hope I had.

Every night, I would cry myself to sleep, begging for an end for what was happening.

And the relief didn’t come. It didn’t come for years.

I kept bargaining with Allah.

“I won’t eat today so please help me,” I prayed.

“I won’t say a single lie today so please help me,” I prayed.

“I’ll give the best things away,” I prayed as I surrendered what I loved.

Again and again, I sacrificed. And waited.

I waited for God to act. I waited like a good girl.

I waited patiently.

I waited.

The relief never came.

I remember crying in my bed, a scarf around my head, and I remember looking up at the ceiling.

And telling Allah, “I hate you.”

And I remember the force of anger that begin to grow in me.

A firm, large, cannonball of anger, iron filled, dangerous, a bomb.

I became a bomb when I realized:

No one is coming to save you, Fi.

You must save yourself.

There is no Allah.

And if there is, God doesn’t care about you.

I found out later that the Bible also says, in many different ways, to save yourself.

Later, I found 12 Step groups, and I heard them say,

“Sorry you’re not getting the results for the work you didn’t do.”

Other spiritual texts also convey this, albeit in different terms.

And so that’s what I did.

I got to work. At the age of 10. I turned my back on the religion I was born into. Islam. I turned my back on the Quran. I turned my back on Allah. On my family. On those traditions.

And for 24 years, I fought for myself.

For 24 years, I was a die-hard atheist.

Not even agnostic.

There was no room to doubt my atheism, because there was no room for possibility.

God couldn’t be real.

God wasn’t real.

I was real.

And my life was a living hell.

I’d let it get worse and worse and worse.

And from that moment, I fought everything and everyone.

I fought and fought and finally got free.

I have a life beyond my wildest dreams now.

After my out-of-body experience in 2023, I started reading spiritual and religious texts again.

And I went back to the Quran a few years ago.

Out of curiosity.

Guess what I found in the first few pages? It shocked me.

A Surah, which is kind of like a chapter.

Here’s the Surah. It’s the Chapter of the Cow, kind of.

I think the last line is what gets everyone to worry about converting their loved ones.

No one wants their loved ones to go to hell.

However, we ignore the previous lines.

And translated into modern-day language, Surah Al-Baqarah is saying this:

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So, doesn’t it sound like the Quran encourages accepting atheists?

Seriously, I want to know your thoughts. Let me know.

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The Quran might be preaching acceptance.

And yet, the perception that the US has of Islam and Muslims is the opposite.

Across the U.S. and several European nations, a median of roughly 50% to 58% of non-Muslim respondents in comparative global attitude indices labeled Muslims as "violent" or "fanatical."

And despite that, yet another contradiction emerges:

Only like 3% of Michigan is Muslim.

And then, another contradiction to that, the Islamophobia Index rose in 2025.

Yes, I’m talking about Muslim people. 2 billion people. 1/4th of the planet.

In comparison, the Jewish population is nearly back to their numbers prior to the Nazi regime, nearly 16 million.

In just 3 years, 73,000+ Palestinians have been killed.

Are you able to make sense of this?

In 12-step programs, they say (ironically):

Our best thinking has led to war.

Our best thinking has led to genocide.

Again and again.

Our best thinking has led to conflict.

24 years of atheism, of building my survival-based ego, led me to being 175lbs overweight.

I’m down 61lbs. I’ve kept it off for 3.5 years. I’ve basically eliminated my chronic pain. I’ve been biking again. I’ve been taking dance lessons.

And I’ve been more connected than ever to something bigger than myself.

Whatever you want to call it.

The universe. Nature. Air. Wind.

It doesn’t matter.

I meditate daily.

Meditation is the cessation of thinking. It’s dipping into true being.

Without any cares, any limitations, any trying, any doing.

That is freedom.

Our best thinking might have saved us from a worse fate, but our best thinking has created a second hell.

Thinking will not save us. Conflict will not save us. Violence will not save us.

Justifying our point of view will not save us.

Trying to convert others will not save us.

There is only one way to be at peace.

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“Addiction is a progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure.

Happiness is a progressive expansion of the things that bring you pleasure.”

Listen, capitalism is more than just money.

It’s absolutely unhinged in its hunger.

The goal is consumption.

And it pumps that parasitic consumption through the narrow needle-hole of our decisions.

Every decision we’re making is forged with the gorging need of this pulsing, throbbing energy that wants to cover every aspect of living life.

We’re just rubble under its dust.

What does the curent market want from us?

Is the current market more conscious, more in control than even we are?

The market feeds off of us to grow.

The market needs our internal systems, the systems of our mind and our body, to atrophy.

Your pleasure is its purpose.

This brings me back to the quote above.

“Addiction is a progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure.

Happiness is a progressive expansion of the things that bring you pleasure.”

And we’re addicted to it all.

I’m addicted to food. To shopping.

People are addicted to porn. To social media.

The market needs us siloed and sitting in the dark.

The market needs us isolated.

And it’s by design - we’re being engineered to remain hungry.

Think about it.

An entire planet, dissatisfied, from end to end, as far as the heart can feel.

Dissatisfaction is as bright as daylight.

And it’s everywhere.

And it fuels profit. Dissatisfaction is essential for predictability. And we all know that capitalism needs as much predictability as possible.

And so what is left now?

As you’re reading this on your phone or your computer.

What is left for you to do?

What needs to be put down?

What needs to be picked up?

So, let’s begin by discussing internet habits in general.

I try to save face by using incognito browsing. It’s a normal enough thing to do. We want certain things to be private. And we deserve it, as well. However, privacy is one thing.

Secrecy is another thing. Lately, that’s where my writing has taken me. It’s taken me to a place of wrath for people who are hiding things from others. People who don’t want to be exposed. I’ve been working with my wrath and trying to see the gift within it. But that feels slow to come.

So, instead, I’ve been focusing on giving mercy, grace, and forgiveness to anyone who exposes themselves. To anyone who confesses. To anyone who atones. Not in a religious sense. But an internal sense.

Internal atonement is when we actually shift our actions to align with our ideals.

I’ve found that the internet doesn’t lend itself to this kind of living. The internet explodes the crevices of disconnection. And the remedy to these external explosions is internal connection to ourselves.

So, it’s not just that I’m obsessed with race. It’s more that the particular quality of my appearance happens to stand out in many places in the world. Through years of writing online, posting online, and experimenting, I’ve come to discover that there are a few things people like to hear from me.

And race is one of those.

There’s no shame in admitting that people want me to talk about race. And also, there’s way more shame in that admission than we can acknowledge.

Before you go further in this piece, consider the concept of eternal, permanent self-love and compassion. That is what you must bring with you when you go into the dungeons of shame. That is what will help you find the jewels you seek.

The jewels in the dungeons of shame are the most precious, most rare, and most light-magnetic: they are suncatchers.

When you bring them up, not only do they sparkle, but they also transmit the very rays of the sun into rainbows.

The jewels in the dungeons of shame are suncatchers.

And those are the very jewels we’re after. And the best way to endure the dungeons of shame is self-love, self-soothing, and compassion.

So, now that you know that you need to soothe yourself as you read this, here we go.

“Why are you so obsessed with race, Fi?”

“Do you feel like you had to discuss race for so long?”

Like many POC, or anyone in a racially diverse area, we’ve received variations of these questions. I’m sure I’ve even asked these questions of people. I’m not saying my experience in the world is special, unique, or better.

My experience of race isn’t special: it is specialized.

This is something I learned from Emerald at The Diamond Net, so check her out if you’re interested in deep shadow work.

Have you noticed that all kinds of people are drawn to the topic of race?

Discussions of race aren’t race-specific. They affect all of us. Because there’s a hypnotic heat present in shame. Hypnotic and magnetic. There’s a part of us that churns and swirls when we’re in shameful situations or discussing shameful topics. Such as race.

“I don’t care about interracial issues.”

“I don’t see race.”

It’s tough to have compassion and patience for these, yes, but I do. And sure, some people may not see race. But it does seem like we watch race a lot.

We’re addicted to watching race and racism. Evolutionarily, and biologically, this makes sense. In fact, not seeing race is unnatural. It is beyond-human. Or at least, beyond a human who has sight and comprehension. I also wish sometimes we could see beyond the face of the person in front of us. I also wish I didn’t come to conclusions based on what cap someone is wearing or how they walk or when they avoid eye contact.

I also wish we weren’t alien to each other. I wish we weren’t alien to ourselves. And some people have done the deep work of excavating. It’s deep, important work. And it takes us into tough areas. Tough areas where we need self-love and self-soothing. Where we need gentleness and forgiveness.

One of those areas is porn. And it’s a bit of a detour from the race topic, but it’s also revealing. I’m going to be discussing porn and porn topics below, so if that makes you uncomfortable, this would be the place you turn around. Said with love and care.

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Still here?
Here are the world’s most viewed categories according to PornHub’s Year In Review.

Super interesting, right? Why are Americans, Mexicans, the Sudanese, and Australian consumers obsessed with lesbians?

In a time of public outcry and backlash against the queer community in America, the most searched-for term in America last year was LESBIAN.

Folks, we are a repressed world. We live in our shadows. And we aren’t liberated. We aren’t free. And the most crucial ingredient to all of this? Shame.

Shame is taking over. Shame is growing. This is anecdotal, but I’m in a class with 16-19-year-olds right now. And I can feel the social pressure. It’s suffocating. I can see how controlled every movement is. It’s inauthentic. It’s nearly not alive. It’s an eerie stillness. And it IS disconnection itself.

Gen-Z are concerned with being cringe. With being cancelled. And the pressure has become worse with the internet. With the watchful eye of the digital space. And that has led to the growth of The Digital Shadow. It’s where all the rejected emotions and thoughts flee and fester.

The Digital Shadow world is like the dark web. It’s all the rejected disconnection that had nowhere to go. It’s the exiled parts of our collective digital psyche.

It’s where racism as a topic lives.

So, am I obsessed with race, or is that what is wanted from me?

For example, I’ve posted a lot on here. Consistently, my posts about race are clicked on the most. A video my partner and I did about our interracial relationship has many comments. When we post dance videos online, people are very engaged. When we post our cooking videos online, people really care.

They care more than my political content. They care more than my poetry content. They care more than my writing. They care more than the tech support work we do. They care more than my art.

Yes, it’s likely because they’re seeing two people who love each other. But it’s also deeper than that. It’s the oddity of us being together. It’s novel. It stands out.

Who knows why? They might know why. But likely, not even they truly know. But it’s hidden in their subconscious. It’s hidden from plain sight. It’s felt, and it’s instinctual. And I’ve started to realize that maybe…

People react to me and my body the way they react to their shame.

Because I discuss and hold shameful topics. Maybe people react to race talks with the same reaction they hold for their shame. Maybe people who search for what is considered taboo are searching for the antidote to their hate of their shame.

And the antidote can’t be found in an argument. It can’t be found on PornHub. It can’t be found in couple content online. The antidote can be found in genuine self-connection, which turns into connection with another.

You must first experience yourself as not bad before you can truly do good.

If we continue to do good for others while thinking we’re bad, we’re creating a parasitic relationship between good and bad feelings, between good and bad states. But we don’t need to entangle them in this manner.

I’m working on this for myself. I do good out of a feeling of badness many times. But it doesn’t break any cycle within me. It perpetuates and necessitates that I need to feel bad about myself to show up for others. Feeling bad about myself leads to more shame and guilt, which leads to loneliness, which also leads to health issues.

Here’s my chosen belief: Goodness is inherent. In all. Yes, all. Even those all. Yes. Even them.

And from there, I’ve found mercy and compassion for others. I’ve met people who are able to discuss these shameful topics with self-love and self-forgiveness. I’ve had beautiful conversations of true, deep, heart-open listening and growth. I’ve had deepening. With others. Healing in connection with another can be profound.

It can be done.

And it requires, again, that we experience our goodness in the midst of our shame. It requires reaching into the depths of the disgust within us to find what we accidentally threw away.

If we continue to cut and run, cut and run, cut and run, we become nothing but ribbons in the wind.

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Shortened time is what creates a platitude. The time we spend with someone is further shortened by fragmented attentiveness and awareness.

Terrible listening creates platitudes as well. We move blithely, with the lightness of a ballerina, tiptoeing around other people’s messes and disasters.

Good listening takes more time and takes more depth. Depth requires attention. It’s just not possible to go deep when your mind is half-focused on TikTok trends or what item from your Temu shopping cart you should buy because you finally got a paycheck.

I also need platitudes. I use them as well. And I regret them as well.

Recently, I told a friend whose daughter had died something so awkward and cringeworthy. I regretted it for days afterwards. So I went back and removed it. I didn’t apologize or name it further, though. I didn’t acknowledge my pathetic nature to him. In my head, I told myself that he had enough things going on. He doesn’t need to soothe and reassure me.

It happened the other day, too. I was listening to an opera singer share about her journey with facial cancer. Someone asked her, “I’m wondering if I can poke your brain…”

Wow. I cringed so hard. But I don’t know if she noticed it. I don’t know if she cared. Or if she had become immune. There’s definitely a connection between novice-ness and desensitization.

A second effect of continued watching of violence is desensitization. The continuous habitual exposure to media violence desensitizes children, and adults as well, to the negative emotional reactions that aggression and violence normally produce.

After enough exposures, the physiological signs of unpleasant emotions disappear, and the viewer becomes relatively unaroused by violence.

This makes the viewer less affected by his or her own violent acts as well as insensitive to violence perpetrated by others and leads to the decreased likelihood of taking any action to help a victim of violence (the so-called ‘bystander effect’).

Contributing to desensitization is the humor that often accompanies aggressive interchanges (39% of violent scenes).

This is especially apparent in children’s cartoons so that children come to believe that acting aggressively is funny.1

And many of us have used platitudes to end a conversation. Or to move on to the next thing quickly. It’s very hard to sit in our own discomfort, let alone another person’s.

When have you used a platitude to escape an emotion?

I found myself recently yelling, shouting, and cutting off someone I love dearly.

Multiple times.

For multiple days.

I reached a point of frustration from which I couldn’t rescue myself.

And it was because I’m trying to shorten the length of my grief.

Many of you will be horrified at reading this - and that’s fair. You may have been on the receiving end of the screaming. You may have done the screaming and never want to remember it again. You may have an image of me that you want to uphold. You may feel that even discussing the times when I have been violent is prolonging the compulsion of violence.

But where can I go to discuss my violent tendencies if not in my own blog or my own letters? I want to write about it. I want to understand it. I want to rid the world of it.

Platitudes, much like violence, signal a shortage of capacity to witness and endure.

I know this sounds incredibly radical and unreasonable. But I’ve been working through this for years now.

And it’s not simple enough to say that well-regulated people aren’t highly sensitive. They might be.

But there is something essential in noting that the most violent of us are in fact, working with broken tools or no tools.

I’ve discovered that my own anger comes from a place of sensitivity and awareness. My anger isn’t unconscious all the time. Sometimes I’m building the structure of anger within myself based on my own recognition of patterns that have tendriled their way across time.

And that violent tendency in me - the urge is to erase and quickly gain relief.

I find a similar urge in platitudes. The need for relief.

Platitudes are dismissive. Violence is dismissive.

A platitude like “The best revenge is living well” bothers me.

Or “Don’t let them live rent-free in your head.”

What does it mean to be told, “Surrender to life.”

Or to be told, “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems?”

While well-intentioned, those phrases feel like being told to “just stop being wet” while you’re standing in the middle of a monsoon.

Both platitudes and violence require a silencing of the OTHER person who genuinely needs care.

When have you used vioence to escape an emotion?

Can violence help us escape?

This has been sitting with me for years now. My inability to manage my own actions at times. How I lose it. How often I feel like I’m too selfish. How I feel incapable in conversations. How I can’t seem to let my guard down without a sense of certainty.

This certainty rarely comes. Even with the safest people, I find the observer within me is watchful for the words I say. For the steps I take.

And is this narcissism? Or is this empathy? Am I masking and walking on eggshells with everyone, or am I creating harmony?

Sometimes, the need to cling is as strong as the need to hit and yell. Yes. It’s true. It can be just as violent to hold onto something. Or someone. It can be a form of coercion. It can be a form of relief. It’s definitely dismissive. And we become an incapable life.

And then, the irony is that “letting go” often becomes another thing to fail at. Yes. I’ve been told to surrender. I been told to let go. We all have. Ill-timed advice lands poorly. Affirming the wisdom in the other is more successful.

And so I became very clingy. I held on. And I began to ask myself why letting go was so important to people. And whether there were limits to what we should let go of. Whether there were things we should never give up or surrender.

What must we NEVER let go of?

What must we NEVER accept?

Hearing platitudes like “Let go” etc is incredibly annoying because it skips over the messy, biological reality of the situation: your brain is actually addicted to the stress hormones of the situation.

Yes.

But what is the other person to do? What are we to say to each other when we’re reaching for a platitude? How are we to actually connect with ourselves and each other?

It’s like watching reruns: it’s comforting, but you end up out of sync with society and friends.

You end up out of sync with yourself.

So there must be a way out of rumination.

What is it?

What is the path out of constant self-inquiry?

Where does questioning become harmful?

Genuinely wondering.

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To return to another part of this piece: what is the connection between sensitivity and violence?

What is the connection between emotional capacity and violence?

There have been many times, right before an outburst from me or from someone I love, that we both realize that our capacity is low. And if we don’t disengage, at that point, it escalates.

It gets worse if we don’t let go of each other.

But then what do you do when you feel that letting go is just as violent as holding on?

At what point is choosing yourself a form of abandoning the connection?

I can’t tell whether my needs should be first or theirs. And of course, it’s not clear-cut.

So how do we navigate all of this?

On my end, I know when I’m going to begin screaming.

And what stops me from taking care of my needs is often my fear of rupturing the relationship.

That and - it’s also genuinely difficult for me to actually truly know what it is that I need in the moment.

And I think many of us are like that.

I think many of us carry around the shame of our least public moments.

It creates a disconnection on many levels. We’re incomplete. And so we’re meeting other incomplete people.

All these broken, jagged edges keep colliding as we move around the world.

And we’re re-shaped again and again.

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This man, let's call him Sam, had a dog with him and he saw me coming with my dog and he walked the other way.

This happens with dog owners sometimes. When their dogs aren't friendly.

I thought Sam was going to his car.

I felt a little bad for my dog who wanted to get introduced to the other dog.

I didn't see Sam or his dog as I got into the truck.

I saw Rob returning to the truck.

And so did Sam.

Apparently Sam was watching the truck in the RV from wherever he was.

When he saw Rob approaching the RV, he came back and talked to Rob about the RV.

He stood and waited to get Rob's attention.

Like he was waiting in line.

Then Sam saw me get out of the truck.

He refused to look at me or acknowledge me.

Even though it was very obvious that I was with Rob.

I walked by them and he still refused to say hello even though he knew that I'm with Rob.

He kept looking right at Rob and talking loudly to Rob.

So then I said hello and he basically grunted at me.

He clearly just wanted to talk to Rob.

This has happened to us many many times on the road.

Once I show up, the entire vibe shifts.

You know the feeling. You walk into a room and it goes silent?

Sometimes people are talking about you.

Sometimes they were talking about something else in the conversation just lapsed.

Or even worse, have you walked into a party and the party ended soon after?

It's that feeling.

Apparently Sam was very curious about the towing.

Sam went out of his way to connect with Rob.

But not enough to ask me. Just to ask Rob.

I can go into all kinds of stories about why, and some of those are race or sex.

Some of the stories I tell myself may make me feel good. Some of the stories I tell myself may make me feel bad.

And those may be the same stories he's telling himself.

Who knows.

What I do know is he didn't want to talk to me for some reason.

He wanted to avoid me.

And he wanted to get Rob's attention and connect with Rob.

These are reasonable things to assume.

And I've been on the other end of this as well.

I've avoided people.

I've kept to myself to keep myself safe.

And this time after not meeting Sam, it really stuck with me.

Because when I was a teenager, I would have told myself that it was something about me.

And even if it was something about me, I would have made that mean something to me.

Like if they didn't want to talk to me because I wasn't wearing the right brands, I would make it mean that I'm not good enough.

This is how internalized racism or any internalized prejudice works.

We assume it's about us.

We internalize that it's a feature of OURS that's the problem.

We may even be right.

They may be thinking and believing all those things.

But here's what really matters to me:

What did my perceptions of him have me do?

What did my fear lead to?

Was what I told myself helpful?

What have I lost through this disconnection?

What have I gained?

What did he lose by not talking to me?

Would it have been helpful to assert myself more?

I feel like there is a point at which awareness and perception becomes harmful instead of helpful.

Half of all CEOs are lonely.

Half of all doctors are lonely.

Loneliness is killing us.

And yet we won't connect with each other.

We refuse it. Actively. Daily.

And we don't just refuse connection with strangers.

We reject connection with close ones as well.

The problem cannot be the solution.

If the systems are the problem, then the solution is elsewhere.

Otherwise it's just the establishment establishing something else again.

In dog training, they taught us at the fastest way to extinguish a behavior is to ignore it.

Is that also the fastest way to extinguish a soul - by avoiding a person?

Is that also the fastest way to extinguish the system - by not engaging with it?

PS -

Here's a picture of the full moon staring at me like an eye

Tucker and MTG are not leaving the Republican Party because it failed them. They are leaving because they won the debate. The party became, over the course of a decade, almost exactly what they wanted it to be. It absorbed their grievances, adopted their language, and made their worldview the official ideology of one of the two major parties in the United States. They won. And winning, it turns out, is a problem for people whose identity is built on fighting.

I want to be clear about what I mean, because it matters for understanding something deeper about the political moment we are in. There are two kinds of people in any insurgent political movement. There are the people who want to change the system because they believe the changes will produce better outcomes. And then there are the people for whom the insurgency is the point. The fighting is the identity. The enemy is the product.

Tucker Carlson has made more money, reached more people, and accumulated more cultural influence than almost any other figure in American media over the past decade. He did it by being permanently at war; with the mainstream media, with the left, with the Republican establishment, with the intelligence community, with whoever represented the acceptable enemy of the moment. The through-line across every position he has ever taken is not an ideology. It is opposition. When the opposition wins, Tucker needs a new thing to oppose. The Republican Party, now fully captured by the movement he helped build, is the new establishment. So he leaves it.

MTG is a simpler version of the same story. She came to Congress not to legislate but to perform. She understood before most of her colleagues that the institution was a stage and that the audience was not in the chamber but watching on their phones. She filed impeachment articles on her first day. She harassed colleagues in hallways. She said things designed to be repeated and condemned, because condemnation from the right people is the currency her political brand runs on. Governing (you know, the actual work of passing bills, building coalitions, managing the machinery of the state) has never been her goal and never will be. The Republican Party is now the governing party. That makes it, by definition, the enemy.

The person who understood this most clearly, long before either of them did, is Donald Trump. Trump has controlled the executive branch, bent the legislative branch to his will, reshaped the judiciary, and occupied the most powerful office in the history of the world. And he still talks about draining the swamp. He is the swamp. He built the swamp. Every cabinet secretary, every political appointee, every federal prosecutor doing his bidding is his swamp. And yet the language of the insurgent outsider, the lone fighter against a corrupt system, never goes away. Because without that language, the movement has to answer for what it has actually done with power. The machine keeps running because the enemy never disappears. You just find new ones.

This is not a sustainable politics, but it is a remarkably durable one. The grievance model does not require results. It does not require policy victories or improved conditions or evidence that the movement’s prescriptions are working. It requires only the continuous identification of enemies. And new enemies are easy, because in a complex society there is always someone to blame. The “genius” of it, and I use that word without admiration, is that winning actually strengthens it. Every victory can be reframed as incomplete, as stolen, as proof that the real enemy is still out there. The MAGA movement controls the White House, the Supreme Court, and both houses of Congress, and its most prominent media figures are still describing themselves as resistance fighters.

And I know something of suddenly being out step with your party. I walked away from my place in the Republican Party. I want to be honest about how different that departure was from this one. I let the party careen away from me and the principles I believed in because staying in the party’s good graces required a form of silence I was not willing to perform. I was not looking for a new enemy. I was trying, imperfectly and at real cost, to say what I actually believed.

Tucker and MTG are leaving to find a bigger stage. The Republican Party is no longer radical enough for the audience they are competing for. And more importantly, it is no longer oppositional enough to generate the conflict that drives their businesses. They need an establishment to fight. Their Republican Party has become one. So they go in search of a new one, taking their audiences with them, and the cycle begins again.

The question worth is what it means for the country that figures like this have become its most influential political communicators. A politics organized around permanent opposition cannot build anything. It can only tear things down and declare the tearing a victory. We have seen what that produces. And the people most responsible for producing it have now decided that even the ruins are not radical enough for their purposes.

They did not leave because they lost. They left because people who need an enemy can never afford to win.”

- Rep. Adam Kinzinger

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I’m including the Zoom poll result so that you know I’m not making it up…

Before the guided meditation, channeled Earth medicine reading, and gentle movement with compassionate communication…

After the event…

That’s meaningful

More screenshots for evidence…

Last time we had three facilitators

This time, we have 16… Here are some of them…

We were offering all 16 sessions for just $9 each…

But now we’ve introduced…

So, each session is actually $4.5 each

Buy A Ticket Here

I promise.

It may seem like it.

You may not have planned for the mess you’re in.

It’s okay.

I hadn’t either. I was 312 pounds.

I just knew one thing:

WHAT I’M DOING ISN’T WORKING.

I needed creativity and inspiration. And direction.

And hope.

I needed hope.

“Hope is a discipline” - Mariame Kaba.

My version? HOPE IS A SKILL

Maybe you thought you were building a career. Or a family. Or a life.

And maybe it blew up in your face. Or maybe the relationships have crumbled.

Maybe you’re more alone than you want to be.

You’re not in as much of a dead end as you think.

(Yes, I AM trying to get you to come to my event. But you can attend for free if you have financial constraints.)

Free ticket

You may not think you need meditation to unlock your dream life.

But have you tried meditation?

Have you tried LIVE meditation?

In a group?

With GUIDANCE???

People love Srishti.

Seriously. She has more than 25k followers on YouTube.

I’ve been to her group sessions.

She’s counseled me 1:1 so much.

Other clients of hers say:

What I’ve experienced is more than growth; it’s a remembering. A remembering of who I am beneath the conditioning, beneath the fear. I feel more aligned, more open, and more connected to myself, to others, and to something greater than me. - Austin, USA

And there are 15 MORE people like her who care about YOU.

They literally care about you.

Their life purpose is to support others.

ACTUALLY.

It’s their dream too to be of service to a better you. A better world.

A world with more dreaming and more possibilities.

A world with more hope.

Where people are making strong decisions.

Where people feel confident in themselves.

Where people are fostering their skills.

So seriously, join us.

You’re not going to regret it.

You get a free ticket when you sign up.

So you can invite a friend.

That’s $72 each.

I want 50% off

In this powerful episode of The Sound of Listening, we dive deep into the intersection of financial literacy, personal growth, and mindset shifts.

Fi sits down with certified financial professional and life coach Andrea Taylor to uncover why so many working adults, entrepreneurs, and women find themselves stuck in a cycle of financial self-doubt.

Andrea shares her raw, personal journey of facing massive debt after a housing market crash and explains how she transformed her relationship with money.

From understanding the rules of compound interest to implementing the “snowball effect” for debt payoff, this conversation provides actionable wealth-building strategies to move you from financial survival to long-term security.

Whether you are navigating financial changes after a divorce, trying to build an emergency fund, or planning for retirement and future caregiving, this episode offers a compassionate, judgment-free zone to fireproof your mind and take control of your financial future.

Top 15 Quotes From This Episode

On Mindset & Environment

1. “One of the biggest suffering of our society as a whole today is not a lack of opportunities, but it’s a lack of self-doubt... a lack of low confidence, it’s a lack of fear of what others think.”

2. “If you don’t have a winning environment around you, then your ability to get beyond the blocks is even more prominent.”

3. “We have passwords for everything, so why don’t we have a password for our mind?”

4. “You really have to fireproof what you are allowing.”

5. “If you are not open-minded towards learning new ways to transform your life, then I’m not the girl for you.”

On Debt, Shame & Accountability

6. “Shame will definitely tear down a poor man’s house... You cannot let shame put you in this place of isolation where you feel like I cannot tell this dirty little secret.”

7. “People want to walk in this false humility that they got it all together, and sorry, life is not perfect. Nobody has it all together.”

8. “Why would you want to throw good money with bad money?”

9. “You have to be responsible and accountable for debt... You can’t run from it. You just can’t run from it.”

10. “Where the winning spirit comes in at, and where the confidence comes in at, is when you’re able to see, ‘Wow, I paid that off in six months. On to the next.’”

On Time, Aging & Reality Check

11. “Money is about time. It doesn’t happen overnight.”

12. “Life gets better and better when you learn from your lessons. And you’re more prosperous. You’re preserved. Time has been preserved when you can get it.”

13. “When you’re young, you just think you have all this time... and that life won’t happen to you. But young people are not even exempt.”

14. “I would want my kids to have the freedom of not putting themselves in a financial burden to take care of me.”

15. “Don’t be naive to knowledge. Don’t be stuck by your shame. Use that messy part of your life to be your biggest message.”

Key Takeaways

• The Wake-Up Call: Waking up to entrepreneurship, sudden financial fear, and the critical need for retirement planning.

• The Global Confidence Crisis: Why low self-esteem, self-doubt, and major life transitions (like divorce or single parenting) keep women stuck with money.

• Protecting Your Mindset: Why your mind needs a password and how to audit your inner circle to build a winning environment.

• The 3 Rules of Money: Actionable steps to wealth creation, saving 10% of your paycheck, and understanding tax protection.

• Confronting the Credit Card Debt Trap: Overcoming the hidden shame of debt and tracking household spending consciously.

• The Snowball Effect: How to use the debt roll-up strategy to build momentum and eliminate liabilities.

• The True Essence of Time: Why younger generations must leverage compound interest early to avoid outliving their retirement money.

Links & Resources Mentioned

Connect with Andrea

Before you go further, this email contains affiliate links, but I’m only sharing this because I genuinely believe in this event.

19 people signed up for our Spring Equinox event. It was an amazing learning experience for me, the practitioners, and for the guests.

Several people requested more events. So, we’re doing it again.

If you don’t want to be emailed about this anymore, no problem. Just let me know. Or go ahead and unsubscribe. The last thing I want is more digital clutter or overwhelm. I mean it!

But yeah, I’m pretty excited about it.

https://fi-droid.github.io/exhausted-to-energized/

During our last event, a guest told us it was refreshing. And that they felt hope for the world again, after a long time of feeling despair.

And it does feel like hope is in short supply these days.

To me, at least.

I try to remind myself that hope needs to be practiced. It needs to be maintained. Like hair, y’all. Hope is like hair.

So many of the guests who’ve attended have kept the spark alive in me. Seriously. When y’all show up, I just feel so full of life and energy.

This week, I was talking with a dear friend on the phone while cutting an orange. And look!

(This isn’t AI. I used a filter which is apparently AI).

But this synchronicity was comforting for me. And it gave me hope to keep going.

Other people have felt it too. They’ve shared that in the surveys. And they’ve told me after the fact, too.

We need closeness, we need healing, and we need comfort.

I think that’s what has been driving me to do the work I do.

I want to bring those feelings to people.

Because the bad feelings aren’t going anywhere.

I mean - if you join Erica’s movement and compassion session, she’ll help you send them away, haha.

And also who facilitates uplifting and gentle talking circles where you can talk pretty freely about big things. Like politics.

She’s seriously skilled at having meaningful conversations. About the scariest thing too - feelings (eeeek!!!).

Seriously, it’s like we have to design our lives.

We have to design our feelings, you know?

We have to design our future.

We have to build our future based on what we want to feel.

We have to choose better. I know, cliche.

And I suck at choosing better (hello, Doordash!).

I mean, we’re all just human, at the end of the day.

Okay, back to the topic. If you haven’t checked out the lineup, I really suggest you take a look!!! It’s quite fantastic. Why yes, I am biased (but I’m not wrong).

Check out the Lineup

Even if you can’t attend live, you can get the recordings and listen on your own time, too.

Again, no pressure. I know I’m sending this email, but the vibe is more like - “Omg look at this cool leaf I found” and not “I’m going to follow you to your room so you buy a timeshare.”

PS - If you’ve attended any of my events before, you get a 50% off ticket ($72). Just reply to this email, and I’ll get you set up.

Leave a comment

If you don’t want to get more of these reminders, let me know. I’ll stop sending out the email - no hard feelings, no questions asked. I really don’t want to annoy you and give you more things to delete.

Ok, that’s it!

Much love, Fi

The conversation dives into the “lonely village” of parenting in America, the psychological weight of social media perfectionism, and the historical progress that has granted modern mothers unprecedented agency. From the “trenches” of toddler life to the wisdom of a great-grandmother who has seen centuries of family cycles, this episode is a raw, authentic exploration of what it means to nurture life in 2026.

Key topics discussed include:

• The “Compound Dream”: Why modern parents are moving away from isolation and trying to rebuild “the village” through co-housing and intentional community.

• Comparison vs. Compassion: How to curate your digital environment and the “beige” aesthetic of social media to protect your mental health.

• The Power of Agency: A powerful reflection on why recognizing your own choice is the first step toward capturing joy.

• Historical Perspective: How washing machines, birth control, and workplace nursing rooms have transformed the maternal experience across generations.

• Reframing “Exhaustion”: Learning to see the stress of parenting and business ownership as a hard-won privilege.

About the guests:

Maricris Paviera is a Talent Sourcing Partner at Electronic Arts with 9+ years of experience in Talent Acquisition and a background in Education. She supports Corporate, Creative, Product, and Marketing teams by developing strategic sourcing approaches and sharing market insights to navigate competitive talent landscapes.

Maricris is known for building strong partnerships and improving candidate experiences. Outside of work, she is involved in nonprofit initiatives like Filipino Young Professionals, reflecting her commitment to making a positive impact in her community.

Maricris's LinkedIn

Maricri's Instagram

Grace Carter is an accomplished attorney, mediator, and certified coach with a distinguished career spanning law, public service, and professional development. She began her legal career as a Law and Education Policy Analyst, later founding and successfully leading her own law practice. After relocating to California, Grace served with the Social Security Administration before embarking on a 15‑year tenure as an Administrative Judge with the U.S. Merit Systems Protection Board, where she built a reputation for thoughtful, fair, and principled decision‑making. She retired from federal service in 2022.

Post‑retirement, Grace has expanded her impact as Of Counsel at Gilbert Employment Law, providing strategic counsel on employment matters while mentoring early‑career attorneys. She holds multiple coaching and facilitation certifications, including Creative Results Coaching Mastery and Embodied Conflict Coaching. Through coaching, facilitation, and mediation, Grace brings clarity, confidence, and practical insight to individuals and organizations navigating complex challenges.

Carter Collaborative Solutions

Grace's Instagram

Jessica Eastman Stewart helps people get organized at work and home. Through her online and in-person workshops and courses, she helps leaders create professional and personal systems for more productivity, joy, and ease in all aspects of their lives. She’s been featured in Real Simple, Forbes, and Woman’s Day magazine.

Jessica's Joyfully Managed Life Society

Jessica's Freebies

Resources for Reflection

Resources for Reflection

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Join us for an intimate evening of creative restoration hosted by Fi, a published poet currently pursuing a Master’s in Creative Writing and Literature at Harvard Extension School.

With a craft rooted in over two decades of practice, including winning a poetry contest win in 2007, Fi brings a deep passion for the biological and emotional power of the written word to this exclusive gathering.

This session is designed as a sanctuary for expression, limited to just five guests to ensure a supportive, close-knit environment.

To honor the vulnerability of the creative process, the event will not be recorded.

Our evening will follow a gentle, intentional flow:

The Shared Voice: We will begin by reading selected poems out loud to synchronize our collective rhythm.

The Biological Reset: Fi will lead a brief Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) session to calm the nervous system and prime the brain for creativity.

The Craft: Before we put pen to paper, Fi will share one specific poetic technique to ground our practice.

The Group Write & Breakout: We’ll engage in a guided writing exercise followed by small-group sessions for deeper exploration.

The Invitation: We close by offering a space to share what you’ve written, though sharing is entirely optional.

Come experience the physiological "reset" that poetry provides in this unique, private setting.

There is no fee, but donations are welcome. 

Link in Bio

Sign up: https://happytec.simplero.com/events/e/jqpy9Y2yDqmJMz4f?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAb21jcARXgsBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA81NjcwNjczNDMzNTI0MjcAAaeYWQbpYdiiZkQg3UWRvhDXUtQOwjuLIyxVXp9vXcLXEumU1CNdmUUo2WFARw_aem_Bdh52qugHEooNadHPpJicQ

Many women are silently dealing with this monster.

And as we know, monsters thrive and grow in the unlit spaces of our minds.

They must see the light of day to receive healing and to return to their true natures.

These inner monsters within us need the energized healing of being seen within the networks of care, community, and commerce that bind us all together.

A while ago, a practitioner told me she avoided working with me for months because she felt jealous.

Of me.

SHE was jealous of ME.

I couldn’t believe it.

I can’t believe it to this day.

Because I don’t see anything that I could have that she would be jealous of.

Because in my mind, she has so much more figured out than I have.

On the flip side, I’ve sat in the heat of my own insecurity, feeling “less than” around a colleague whose traditional beauty and polished systems made me feel like I hadn’t figured it all out yet.

I mean, she literally meets every single beauty standard out there for women.

And I don’t!

I don’t even fully identify as a woman, so I don’t know why I continue to compare myself to women.

But I do.

And many times, if she succeeds at something, I’ll just chalk it up to how she looks.

But that’s so not fair.

There are a lot of beautiful people doing a lot of horrible things without any talent, skill, or thought.

I’ve seen two women, leaders in their respective businesses, discuss their jealousy and fear of other women this week.

Seriously,

we women

have traumatized

each other.

I’ve had my poetry and my work stolen.

And I’ve been the thief as well.

I took a title from a friend’s workshop, and she messaged me about it.

I didn’t even realize that I had taken it from her.

So there was my own unconsciousness.

We often judge ourselves for these feelings, but there is a deep-seated “fear coming up as [we are] gaining more recognition.”

We worry that our visibility will lead to our reputation being “tanked” or punished by those around us.

This fear leads many of us to “subtly default to people-pleasing” or, worse, to viewing other successful women as threats.

One entrepreneur admitted she felt “jealous AF” of a colleague’s “genius,” noting how easy it is to let a “silly human brain do its thing completely unchecked.”

In fact, she was so jealous that she didn’t promote the other woman’s work for a long time.

But here is the truth: the cutthroat competition we feel is a historical glitch, not a biological blueprint.

Tend-and-Befriend

While “fight or flight” is the famous stress response, evolutionary psychology highlights a different mechanism often found in female social structures:

Researcher Shelley Taylor discovered that humans, particularly women, evolved to manage threats by nurturing offspring and creating strong social networks.

In this biological context, jealousy is a “maladaptive signal”—a misfiring of the brain that perceives a peer’s success as a threat to one’s own resources, when in fact, the network’s strength is what ensures individual survival.

The network’s strength is what ensures individual survival.

The Economics of Mutualism

Historically, business was rarely a “lone wolf” endeavor. Before the hyper-individualism of the industrial era, commerce was rooted in mutualism and shared risk.

Commerce is rooted in mutualism and shared risk.

The Beguines:

In the 12th century, these were communities of women in Europe who created their own independent economic ecosystem. They worked in the textile industry and provided healthcare, proving that women could thrive by bypassing traditional male-dominated competition in favor of a shared “holding of the group field.”

The Market Queens of Ghana:

For generations, Ga and Ashanti women have operated through “Queen Mothers” who regulate markets. Rather than individualistic warfare, they use a centralized system to ensure price stability and social support, proving that “we all do well when we all do well.”

Japanese Tanomoshiko:

These are historical “contingent credit” groups where community members pooled funds to help one another start businesses or survive lean years. It was based on the scientific understanding that a stable neighbor makes for a stable economy.1

Medieval Guilds and “Commons”:

Before land and trade were strictly privatized, the “Commons” were shared resources managed collectively. This was not “woo-woo” altruism; it was a survival strategy based on Reciprocity, ensuring no one’s business was “tanked” by a single bad season.

Collaboration as a “Cooperative Game”

In mathematical Game Theory, the Nash Equilibrium suggests that, in many scenarios, players achieve the best outcome when they consider others' actions rather than acting purely in self-interest. When we view business as a “zero-sum game,” we believe that for me to win, you must lose. But history shows that markets expand through synergy (yes, that cheesy word) where the total effect of a community is greater than the sum of its individual parts.

When we stop being “awkward numpties” about each other’s success, we move toward a “clean, energetic holding” of our professional spaces.

Your colleague’s success isn’t a theft of your “life-force energy.”

It is an expansion of the market you both inhabit.

The market

is

our energetic force field

amplified.

Let’s stop letting the “witch wound” or the “damsel in distress” narrative dictate our professional lives. Let’s choose to be the “Death Doulas” for each other’s egos and the midwives for each other’s dreams.

Leave a comment

You see it at a place like this Safeway, where the sign plainly lists "food, drug, and liquor."

This is in a small town in the prairieland of America.

It’s an explicit acknowledgment of how the market targets basic human drives and dependencies.

And the market has gotten so good at hiding itself.

There is a certain transparency in this previous directness, a clarity that comes when a situation is revealed exactly as it is, without any decorative layers.

It's like we're seeing the human condition for what it actually is and not for the psychosis that we are shown in polished marketing.

When we attempt to obscure these patterns or wrap them in a more polished presentation, it adds a layer of complexity that feels less honest.

In more affluent areas, these same dependencies are often hidden behind branding and aesthetic choices, creating a filtered version of reality.

But in environments where resources are thin, the veil is gone.

The relationship between the provider and the consumer is visible and raw, stripped of the luxury of a curated image.

This makes me wonder about the distinction between the systems we live in and the individuals within them.

It raises the question of whether a system can be held accountable in the same way a person is, and how those two forces influence one another.

Why does it seem like an individual is forgivable but a system isn't?

We often focus on individual choices, but those choices are made within a specific architecture designed to produce a certain result.

Perhaps the individual is simply navigating a framework they didn't create.

This is something that activists simultaneously understand and also reject entirely by protesting against it constantly. Trust me I'm one of these activists.

It's like I'm constantly trying to point out that reality is out of my control and then constantly trying to bring it into my control.

The focus shifts from the personal habit to the calculated way human vulnerability is mapped out and monetized.

When the pretense is removed, we are forced to look at the actual structure of our collective environment.

There is a profound realization that occurs when we finally stop pretending that these systems aren't functioning exactly the way they were built to.

And I had no idea it could be connected to stress.

I thought it was exercising, food I ate, lotion, etc.

Sure, it could have been all of those things.

But, looking back, it was likely stress too.

And I underestimated the impact of stress.

I actually thought it was valiant to be stressed.

It was accomplished.

It made me feel like I was actually doing something.

It made me feel productive. In control. In charge.

I felt like I was living a life that mattered.

Turns out, I was living a life that was shattering my body.

I developed an autoimmune skin condition called Hidradenitis Supporativa.

It took me 7 years to get the correct diagnosis as well.

And I slowly learned the connection between stress and my body’s responses.

I’ve been in remission for months now.

I’m also living a much more balanced life than before.

I had to force myself to slow down.

I was moving at a pace that a human body cannot withstand.

And I was using coping skills that were slowly tearing apart the precious fibers of my being.

After all that work, I’m officially down 51lbs. And I’ve kept it off for 3 years.

loving weight loss

Progress pics - 46 lbs down in 3 years. And I haven't gained it back

Read more

7 months ago · 2 likes · 2 comments · fi fyza kahani

A huge reason I would overeat is that I was overworking.

Why was I overworking?

Because I was stressed about money.

And the overworking made the stress worse.

Which made me shop more.

And eat more.

It was a never-ending cycle.

And I had to accept rest.

I had to accept that rest was a part of life.

And I couldn’t manically do do do.

In fact, unconscious doing is what got us here.

Conscious non-doing is what will get us out.

I'm ready for rejuvenation

You might be like me.

You might be dealing with an overwhelming amount of work.

You might be dealing with broken relationships.

You might be isolated.

You might need to be uplifted.

You might be worried about housing.

Or paying for the things your kids need.

You might need to see an end in sight.

You might need relief.

And your day might be packed with all kinds of tasks and obligations.

In the noise of showing up for everyone else, you may neglect your internal balance.

Which will then permeate out into the world.

And as we all know, the world right now is dysregulated and chaotic.

Our Earth is inflamed.

And so are our bodies.

Everything is interconnected.

We are Earth.

And since everything is interconnected, you can start ANYWHERE.

So we’re inviting you to start in your home.

Join us online, from the sanctuary of your room.

You’ll get to experience meditation, sound healing, movement, and spiritual messages from our Earth for these times.

Lower your stress levels. It’ll help you live better.

It’ll help you problem-solve better.

You

Consider joining us.

For our future Earth, and for your future self.

Sales end Saturday, March 21st

If the price is too high, invite a friend, and you both get 50% off.

We also have scholarships. No one will be turned away for lack of funds.

And stress was a huge thing that contributed to my overeating.

We often talk about stress as a “feeling,” but modern clinical research shows it is actually a biological event with systemic consequences.

The consequence for me? Chronic overeating, over-ordering food, and beyond.

My mobility was impaired. I’ve had to be pushed in a wheelchair.

I developed an autoimmune skin condition called Hidradenitis Supporativa.

And much, much more.

When we are stuck in a cycle of chronic stress, our bodies remain in a state of high alert, and the “wear and tear” begins to manifest in ways that go far beyond just feeling tired.

And it makes it impossible to lose weight.

It also affects so many other health conditions.

Stress also reduces our ability to heal.

That’s why de-stressing is so, so important.

It can set you up for a more easeful life, where you recover from illness faster.

I want the early bird price

The Science of a Stressed System

Here’s some science on how cortisol can literally cause so much dysfunction in your body.

When your body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline for extended periods, it doesn’t just affect your mood—it changes your cellular makeup:

• Brain Health & Dementia:

  • Prolonged exposure to cortisol can actually shrink the hippocampus, the brain’s primary center for memory and learning. New studies suggest that chronic anxiety can increase the risk of developing dementia by up to three times, as stress-induced inflammation damages neurons and accelerates cognitive decline.

• Heart & Cardiovascular System:

  • Chronic stress is now recognized as an independent risk factor for heart disease. It triggers NLRP3 inflammasomes—molecular complexes that amplify inflammation in the heart cells—increasing the risk of hypertension, arterial plaque buildup, and stroke.

• Autoimmune Conditions:

  • Up to 80% of patients report significant emotional stress before the onset of autoimmune diseases like Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Stress disrupts the “vagus nerve,” the body’s internal reset button, leading to immune dysregulation where the body mistakenly attacks its own tissues.

• Metabolic & Digestive Health:

  • Stress alters insulin sensitivity (increasing diabetes risk) and weakens the intestinal barrier (the “leaky gut” effect), which is linked to IBS and systemic inflammation.

The Spring Equinox Sanctuary: A Biological Reset

Erica Leib, Lance Craig, Brenda Poitra, and I have joined together to create a 2-hour experience designed to move your body from “Fight or Flight” into “Rest and Digest.”

We aren’t just giving you a break; we are teaching you four fun, evidence-based ways to lower your internal inflammation and protect your long-term resilience.

When: Sunday, March 22nd | 5:00 PM Eastern Where: Live on Zoom

I'm ready to relax

Why you should book today:

1. Bring a Friend & Save 50%: Social connection is one of the strongest buffers against cognitive decline. When you sign up with a partner, you both get 50% off.

2. Early Bird Pricing: The current rate is a significant discount, but it expires this Sunday, March 15th, at 11:55 PM Eastern. After that, the price will go up.

Stress might be a part of our modern community, but it doesn’t have to be our destiny.

Now, more than ever, we need well-connected, well-nourished, sane communities of care that are reciprocal.

Join us to learn how to counteract the effects of fast living and to discover your most peaceful, resilient, well self.

She shared these recently

Apparently some mysterious snow fairy makes them

I think this is so sweet

Focusing on the small things can really be the most meaningful thing

There are many ways to counteract stress.

I’ve partnered with a few practitioners and created a 2 hour online event which will introduce you to 4 ways of managing your own stress in your daily life.

And guess what - they’re all FUN.

Where can I sign up?

I want to sign up