**SPOILER ALERT**

In the last film, the Resistance is fighting what seems like an impossible battle against Emperor Palpatine and the Final Order. The massive Sith Eternal Fleet is challenged by a ragtag band of rebels, all that is left of the Resistance after years of fighting the dark side.

When all hope seems lost, a huge fleet of fighters from all over the galaxy suddenly appears in the sky to join the rebels in what will be the defeat of the Final Order.

This was such an emotional moment in the movie and such an emotional moment for me personally as it reflected the reality that is currently happening on Earth at this time.

There are many of us, cosmic humans, lightworkers, healers and nodal points on the crystalline grid of planet Earth that have been fighting the dark side, the Empire, for as long as we can remember. We’ve been ridiculed and outcast by society as conspiracy theorists and crazy people, woo woo spiritualists. We’ve watched as prophecies we hoped would make a shift, like the awakening of 2012 when a cycle of the Mayan calendar ended, passed without any noticeable change in the collective consciousness.

And even though many of us were disappointed at the time, we never stopped believing because somewhere inside we KNEW that we were here to witness the shift of the collective consciousness and the dawning of a new age of peace and harmony on Earth. We kept holding the vision and doing the work that was before us to serve humanity’s highest path forward. At times many of us almost lost hope and succumbed to the darkness of this world, of Empire. But something did happen in 2012. A cycle quietly ended and a new cycle began, which after 13 years of gestation culminated in 2025, the year of the shift. The Kali Yuga (the dark age) ended and the Sat Yuga (the age of truth) began. Disclosure began.

Now the tide is turning and we are being joined by our brothers and sisters who have woken up to the lies and illusions, the programming and conditioning of our backwards dysfunctional culture that has kept us in opposition to our human nature and to Nature herself. It’s come like a wave, like the fleet that came to back up the rebels at the critical moment, the moment that decides which way we will go forward- in continued slavery to the Empire, too scared to stand up for what is right for fear of what the consequences will be or emboldened to join the heartful rebels who have never given up and who have been determined to fight the Empire until its fateful end, to save the planet and our species.

We know that the good guys always win. That’s the triumphant conclusion of every Hollywood story and Disney movie we have ever seen. We may have to fight with everything we have and go through trials and suffering on the journey, but in the end, the Empire will crumble. Evil will not win. It will take all of us working together to turn the tide and it’s happening now.

The warriors in this battle are warriors of the heart. We don’t fight with lightsabers or blasters, we fight with our hearts, with our focus and attention. We don’t focus our energy on the evil deeds of the Empire and its henchmen. We focus on expanding our consciousness and our heart coherence. We focus on love. Because anyone who has ever seen a “spiritual” meme on any platform knows that what we focus on, we create more of. That’s literally how energy works.

So if you’re watching the news and hating on Trump and his administration, the corrupt billionaires and their corporations or the Epsteins of the world, your anger is literally feeding the thing you are putting your anger (energy and focus) into. This reality consists entirely of energy. You get to choose where you put yours and it has a profound effect. We are not powerless. We are infinitely powerful. And we create with our energy and focus. So beware what you are feeding into. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” The Empire has used fear to control us, but we don’t have to give in to fear. Love is the strongest force in the galaxy.

If you want to see a more peaceful and loving world, you have to become more peaceful and loving yourself. As a cosmic human and Jedi (or padawan) you must discipline your mind. You must question everything you’ve ever been told. “You must unlearn what you have learned.” Close your eyes. Breathe. Feel your heart and your connection to the field of infinite potential. Meditate. Nurture peace. It takes practice and dedication, but you can do it.

The Force as I see it is Source Love Intelligence, the creative energy from which all life originates. Whether you call it God, Goddess, the Universe, Creator, Great Spirit- it’s all the same energy. The Divine source of all existence. We are not separate from the cosmos or from the divine. We are both human and divine. Both fully human AND cosmic travelers on this beautiful planet Earth flying through space in this Milky Way galaxy. And we are not alone. There are infinite numbers of galaxies that we don’t yet have the technology to explore. But maybe one day, when we have shed our density and darkness and have turned away from the dark side, when we can be trusted, things will be different. I believe they will.

Remember the words of the great Jedi Master Yoda my friends, “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” Remember your connection to the force and use it to create the world we all truly want. You are Nature. You are Love. Remember…

A world where the Rothschilds no longer hold power and the cabals of the world have disintegrated.

A world where the governments have been dissolved or replaced by small local governments where those who have been put in leadership positions can be held accountable within their communities.

A world where the fiat currency system no longer exists. Where the Federal Reserve and all the banks have been dissolved. Where paper dollars and numbers on screens mean nothing. Where value comes not from money, but from our hearts and from the gifts we brought to this world. Where we create new means of exchange in local systems that offer value in exchange for value among community members.

A world where we make all of our decisions based on honoring each other, EVERY form of life on the planet and Gaia herself. Where we’ve reconnected to nature and pay our respects in every way. Where we remember the importance of ceremony, ritual and devotion. Where we can feel our hearts beating with hers, feeling our connection through the waters in our cells, her blood, our blood, to know we ARE her!

A world where we build homes and communities that are in integrity with the land. No more toxic stick frame, dry walled buildings. Homes made from earth, straw, sand, wood-anything nature created that hasn’t been corrupted by man.

A world where we’ve all learned how to grow our own food. Where children learn from birth that Gaia is our Mother and we care for her as she cares for us. Where boys and girls are raised to honor each other as equals.

A world where we learn to live in non-toxic ways all around. From our communications and relationships to our household cleaners to the way we power our homes and vehicles to the way we grow food.

A world where addiction isn’t a thing- humanity no longer needs that coping mechanism for living inside a deeply broken system separated from nature. Jails and prisons no longer exist. We don’t need them anymore.

A world where we have reclaimed our time and spend it doing what we want and need to do. Creating, caretaking, stewarding, living, raising children and growing gardens. We no longer trade our time and our lives for money to exist within the extractive and exploitative systems of the past.

A world where free energy is available and no longer suppressed by those who have been controlling us and making us pay for their dirty power, in SO many ways.

A world where people truly know what freedom actually means. Where we have reclaimed our sovereignty and our right to live in peace, in harmony and with deep integrity.

This is what I’m talking about. I believe with all my heart that WE CAN DO IT! It may take decades, but let’s start planting the seeds now.

One step at a time into our beautiful future, TOGETHER. 💗

Please add your own in the comments!

This lunation and these conjunctions are still a few days away, so at the behest of all that is holy, take the time to do a life review to see what you can leave behind as we come to this astrological and energetic “fresh start”. What doesn’t feel aligned anymore? What is sucking your life force? What old stories and limiting beliefs are still cycling around asking to be acknowledged and intentionally released? At this point it doesn’t take much but awareness and the willingness to let go. And now is the time- the final dsays of the Year of the Snake. Time to shed these things once and for all. We’re being so supported in this transformation on every level- physical, emotional, mental, energetic, planetary, interstellar, galactic, angelic, dimensional.

The 3D world is a hot mess of disclosure, anger, violence and fear. This is unfortunately a necessary part of the process, to reveal everything that has been hidden so that we can clearly see. The old paradigm has to be dismantled and people have to wake up out of the illusion, out of the matrix, and look around at what has really been happening behind the scenes while we’ve been distracted by endless news stories and entertainment media of all kinds. And once we wake up, we have to deal with the complete shock, anger and symptoms of PTSD after realizing that we’ve been in abusive relationships with systems that claimed to protect us and look out for our interests. We’ve been in slavery, being used and mined for whatever the systems could extract from us and only being able to live our lives when we’re not at work funding our very survival within these systems.

Many of us have had this deep longing inside to be free, to live our lives as we see fit, at our own pace and take time to slow down, breathe and heal. We want to reclaim our time and energy from the places where it has been co-opted. We want to connect with ourselves, the land and each other.

In my estimation the only way we have a chance to move forward towards those goals and to reclaim our sovereignty is to build communities of like minded, like hearted people who are willing to work together to create support systems that will allow us to remove ourselves from the old systems. It is a big task, but we have to start somewhere.

As for me, I’m releasing the last vestiges of the old, dead skin that I am shedding during these last few days of this Year of the Snake. I feel the new frequencies coming in. I feel the new timeline and in moments I see future visions of what this new year is offering me. Leaning into my gifts and the value that I have to offer. Teaching classes, holding workshops, sharing sessions with those who want and/or need support in these deeply transitional times.

In October I made a quantum leap into a new life. One that I technically “couldn’t afford” and subsequently my financial resources have diminished in ways that would have sent me into fear and panic in the past. But now I can’t even give that any of my energy. I know deep in my heart of hearts that I am and will be provided for and I will be guided into this beautiful new timeline if I just trust and keep acting on my inspired ideas.

This winter has tested me and all of the old programming I’ve had around relationships, whether that be with money, with men, and ultimately with myself. I’ve found new levels of understanding, sovereignty, healing and release. I’ve been offered many mirrors to show me where I’m still stuck, where I’ve still been clinging to the old paradigms. And I’m proud to say I have come out the other side of that for the most part with renewed vison, clarity and peace.

I know why I’m here now. I was led here to Yellow Springs, Ohio to activate this town, this land, with new frequencies. I’m here to build community, to teach and to learn more deeply how to be/ live in harmony with my surroundings on this beautiful paradise planet, our Mother Gaia. I’m here to hold the frequency of New Earth as it’s energy expands into the ethereal and physical architecture of the crystal grid of Gaia.

I’m here to teach about the Law of Time and to assist others in extracting themselves from the false time codes of the matrix so we can reclaim natural time, which shifts our consciousness and leads us into harmony with Nature and with Gaia.

I’m here to plant seeds in every way, literally, energetically, figuratively, spiritually. That’s my essence- I am the Yellow Rhythmic Seed. I am a spiritual gardener. My mission is to plant the fate of humanity into the soil of the earth. And so I carry the vibrations of the higher timelines and plant seeds of love, peace, abundance, harmony and balance for all.

My vision for Yellow Springs is an eco-village. There is an intentional community that has existed here for many years, but I’m seeing a different vision of a community, built by its inhabitants, balancing our need for shelter with the deep honoring of the Earth and creating natural structures that are powered by off grid sources.

My life experience exposed me early on to off grid solutions when I traveled to and soon after moved to New Mexico. The Earthship community in Taos was active. I had many friends who bought land and built their own primitive structures to call home, just for the sake of freedom. I myself moved to an off grid farm in the foothills of the Sangre de Christo Mountains in Velarde where my little family lived in a house that had solar power, a composting toilet and a woodstove. My oldest daughter was born in that house.

I have always been passionate about eventually living in an off grid home of my own. I envision the possibilities and dream into what it could look and feel like. But I have lived on the land in isolation before and I vowed to myself that I would not live on the land that way again without community support. We need to evolve the idea of homesteading to the idea of villaging (see this powerful piece for more details- https://substack.com/@gangadevibraun/note/p-156451212?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2jd4d5) because an off grid lifestyle requires a lot of work AND because we need to break out of the trap we’ve been corralled into by our society where each individual or family exists in a little bubble with separate everything. That keeps us stuck just trying to get by and that’s how they want us. When we pool our resources and support each other with our unique gifts, we can create a new paradigm of abundance and reclaim our time and therefore our lives. Separation is illusion that we have lived in for too long. We are ONE. We need to start acting and living that way.

In this incredible energy configuration of new beginnings, let’s use our imaginations to envision (in vision) the kind of world we want to live in. One where we are all safe, supported and able to live abundantly with everything we need. One where there is peace and balance and harmony. One here we live with honor for Gaia, for each other, for every life on earth and most importantly, with LOVE.

Darkness, evil, corruption and control are glaringly and painfully obvious to all as they play out on the world stage. The unbelievability of it all and the fact that we have bought into the lies and illusions for so long is pretty stunning to most people. It’s suddenly causing us to reevaluate everything about our lives and what we’ve been taught by the systems that were created to program and control us.

On some level we are realizing that all of this has unfolded because we believed what we were told- that we are small, insignificant, unworthy and powerless against those who seek to control us. Through our belief in those lies, we have been complicit to the dark forces. We have agreed to allow the ‘elite’ or those we deem better than us because they have more power, money or entitlement to run the show and tell us the rules of the game here on earth. That’s a lot to integrate. We chose this. We allowed it.

But we don’t need to get stuck in guilt and shame about the choices we made in the past. We can simply acknowledge that we were doing the best we could with the information we had at the time and then flip the script.

It’s time for us to take our power back. It’s time to realize that every limiting belief that we have is merely one that we have chosen to accept. If we change our beliefs and therefore change our minds, we can change our lives AND the world around us. We are only limited by what we believe, about ourselves, about the world, about the universe. We are infinitely powerful! We affect the collective through our individual choices. Where we choose to put our energy, whether that be into the neverendingly negative news cycle, rage and feelings of powerlessness or into growing a garden or creating art and feeling joy, peace and compassion is a choice we are making for more than just ourselves. We get to choose in every moment what energy we are adding to the collective consciousness.

Everything in the universe is connected and conscious on some level. Separation is an illusion. We are all one light, one consciousness, even though it appears that we are all unique individuals. And we ARE each a unique piece of the cosmic puzzle and every piece is needed to create the big picture. AND at the source we are all drops in the one ocean of existence. Everything in our 3D reality is a mirror, a reflection of our beliefs about the world, about ourselves and others. Becoming conscious of that fact is a good starting point to change. Everything that challenges you offers you a priceless lesson. Wayne Dyer said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Shift your perception, change your beliefs and see how things begin to change in your reality.

Allow yourself to imagine what kinds of things you could create if you weren’t limited by anything. Not your beliefs, your finances, or your fear of what your family and friends think. If there were absolutely no limits (and there aren’t, truly), what would you do with your one precious life? What adventures would you allow yourself to imagine? What genius ideas could you generate? What kind of relationships would you have? What dreams would you follow and what kind of life would you create? Allow yourself to dream and expand into all the possibilities. It’s magical. And it helps us to reclaim our power and our imagination, the incredible gifts given to us by the universe as our birthright.

It is possible to experience peace in the turbulence of this transformation. What it requires is to shift your focus to creating peace in your own body, mind and heart. Let go of the old programming that says, “If you aren’t angry, you aren’t paying attention.” Anger itself doesn’t change things. It just perpetuates anger and feelings of powerlessness, frustration and hopelessness. Don’t get me wrong, anger can be righteous and it can be a powerful motivator for change. And there are PLENTY of things to be angry about! But don’t get stuck there. Let the anger propel you into creating the world you WANT. Anger can’t do that, but your love, your compassion, your joy, your balance, your peace- those things can absolutely change the world and tip the scales in the direction of the beautiful world we all know is possible!

Peace and blessings to everyone everywhere,

Jen

I have always been a seeker. Many, many trips on LSD in my late teens and early twenties took me through the veil to experience the limitless field of consciousness where I knew innately that everything is connected in the Divine matrix. But what could I do with that epiphany when I came down and had to exist within the false matrix? I had bills to pay and I needed time to grow up, to learn more and to integrate what I had experienced in the Divine matrix.

For years I struggled through layers of my own traumas while experiencing even more. Childhood abuse, the death of my father when I was 15, the death of my own son when I was 31, the mother wound, the sister wound, abusive relationships and poverty.

Four years ago when I left my marriage, taking my two youngest children out of what had become a toxic situation, I finally started to heal and integrate on levels I had never experienced. I had been in therapy during that relationship but I found real help on YouTube. Patrick Teahan and The Crappy Childhood Fairy helped me to understand my childhood traumas. But I was still stuck in victimhood. Slowly, bit by bit over the last few years, I began to really work through that victimhood mentality and find forgiveness for myself and others who had been involved. Then I began to find others who supported me in my healing process.

I had been paying some attention to the astrology and reading my horoscopes from incredible astrologers online weekly for many years. Two incredible astrologers that have been lighthouses for me are Pam Gregory and Heather Ensworth on YouTube. Maybe I vibe with them because they are both such beautiful crone wisdom astro goddesses. They understand the language of astrology in a way I can’t even fathom and they interpret the movements of the stars, planets and asteroids in a way that resonates with the truth of my being and my understanding of consciousness at this time in my life.

Two years ago when I moved out on my own with my children after cohabitating with others after my marriage ended, the real work began. I went into hermitage. I found an AMAZING therapist. Instead of dating, I committed myself to my own healing. I started a deeply devoted self-care routine. I started sleeping earlier and getting up two hours before my kids so I had time to prepare myself and set the energy for my day very intentionally.

I do my Ayurvedic cleansing morning routine and then Kundalini yoga along with some mix of meditation, breathwork (humming) and weight lifting/Pilates. Then I make my matcha and sit in candlelight checking in with the energy of the day. I used to read tarot and/or oracle cards every morning. Now I dig into the glyph of the day and ponder/journal on how to utilize that energy in my day. I reflect on what I’m learning and how to further align myself with it; to integrate and embody it. And guess what? I’m making quantum leaps.

Learning my own glyph was eye opening. I’m a Yellow Rhythmic Seed, which makes so much sense! I have been planting seeds all my life, literally and figuratively. I had a reading with Bella of Quantum Planet World that helped me learn so much more about my glyph, my oracle, my shadow aspects and my life purpose. It connected a lot of what I had learned from astrology as well. Bella and her partner Davyd have a YouTube channel as well (@DavydandBellaQPW) where they share about the wavespells and the astrology and I have learned so much from both of them.

Studying the Tzolkin, the 260 day calendar of the Mayans, has been transformative. For each day there is a glyph and a tone. There are 20 glyphs and 13 tones which when combined equals 260. Each combination is a sacred galactic code that connects us to the cosmos and the energy of unity consciousness. The Tzolkin is broken up into 5 castles of 52 days and each of those castles breaks down into 4 wavespells of 13 days. Every thirteen days you start a new cycle, working with new energy for that wavespell as well as the energy of the glyph of the day.

There is also the 13 moon calendar of 28 days each (one moonth :)), which makes a 364 day year. July 25th is the Day Out Of Time, a day to reflect and reset and prepare ourselves for the new year to come. The new calendar year of 364 days begins on July 26th.

This year, which began on July 26th, 2024 is the year of the Blue Rhythmic Storm. The storm is the exact kind of energy you would think of - loud, scary, powerful, destructive, transformative, cleansing, uprooting things and washing things away. The Storm energy is here to catalyze deep change in our world. For those following the Mayan calendar and/or the astrology, we would be shocked if the collective and Gaia WEREN’T turning upside down and inside out right now.

Right now we’re in the birth canal, being squeezed so hard we don’t know if we’re going to make it. We feel as if we can barely breathe. But soon enough we are going to be born into the light of the new world. This is the time when all the lies and illusions are being exposed. Even people who haven’t been conscious or done much self work are being called to walk through the fire and burn up all of their false identities, ideas and beliefs. It’s a tumultuous time and some souls are choosing to leave the planet rather than do this work. We all have our contracts. There’s no judgement.

Today is the Full Moon in Sagittarius and the astrology is lit! The energy is big in Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, the planet of growth and expansion, who just moved into Cancer on June 9th. Jupiter will be in Cancer for the next year. Cancer is the sign of home, of family, of security and nourishment, of the Mother. Jupiter will be expanding on all these themes in the coming year. I’m not an astrologer, so if you want to learn more, I highly suggest going to YouTube and listening to the experts. You’ll find the ones you resonate with.

I am very familiar with the monthly lunations of Full and New Moons, as I’ve been working with the moon cycles for many years and tracking my moon cycle along with them. I know that the Full Moon always asks us to let go of things that are no longer for us. It’s the culmination of the cycle before the moon begins to wane. It illuminates things, shines a light on things that need to be looked at and addressed. This particular Full Moon in Sag is asking us to let go of old ways of thinking, believing and behaving. It’s asking us to let go of all of our illusory limitations and to DREAM BIG, to visualize our ideal world and where we see ourselves in it.

Today is also the first day of the Blue Magnetic Storm wavespell in the year of the Blue Rhythmic Storm. The energies are intense! The sun is gifting us with light codes, solar flares, plasma bursts, solar storms and these are triggering earthquakes all over the globe. Governments and politicians, institutions, musicians and stars are being revealed for their corruption and abuse. The old order is trying like hell to hang on to the power over paradigm that is ending as we move into unity consciousness, where true power lies.

This old story of the few ruling the many is actually already over. We just have to step into our power as creators of our reality, which means letting go of the old and creating ourselves anew. We are each just tiny fragments of the whole that is Source, each of us equally powerful and equally sovereign, equally divine. We don’t have to give our power away anymore. And when we truly own and step into our power, the world we see around us will change too. Healing and change begin within, but it also ripples out into the collective.

Cheers friends, and happy Full Moon in Sagittarius! When the storm winds blow, find the center of the storm by breathing consciously into your heart space, humming or toning, drinking a cup of tea, sitting in the garden or walking barefoot on the earth. Getting into nature. These are the acts of rebellion that will hold us fast in the calm of our heart center, where we connect to all this is and all that we are. We are Gaia and she is us. We are inextricably linked. As we heal, she heals.

Big love to all of you! If you want to find your Mayan glyph or learn more about natural time through the Mayan calendar technology, you can download the 13:20 sync app on Apple or the Dreamspell app on Android. You can also check out lawoftime.org for lots more info.

See you on the other side,

Jen

The author of this poem is Carol Bridges and while I am unfamiliar with any of her other work, I know she is a soul sister, part of my tribe. Thank you, Carol.

Enjoy this beautiful composition.

My Tribe Through Darkness Comes Shining by Carol Bridges

When all is covered with dark lies

Thick like debris from fallen towers

My people pick up hearts.

When all that is shown is tinted

With black greed and stained with blood from false wars

My people wipe away tears.

When even food is fake and whole forests fall like leaves

And great ocean whales can hardly breathe

My people still sing from the beach.

They sing a humble song with full voices

Crying our for the wisdom any creature will share.

My people are reapers of the waste of humankind,

Willing to take anything tossed aside

And build with it a temple.

My people see in every scrap

A glimmer of the miracle

Of creation to be brought forth through their hands.

Bring it on then, I say, let it all fall down

Into our laps, into our receiving hands,

Into our welcoming hearts.

We’ll make a new world out of anything

You give to us.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can move forward as a collective. How can we make some serious shifts in our shared reality? Things are so dysregulated out in the world. I feel it and it affects me. But I don’t want to get lost in the circus out there. I know enough about what’s going on.

I also know that where attention goes, energy flows, and I want my energy to go towards something useful, something helpful. Ultimately what’s better for me, and I would argue better for the collective, is for me to focus on what I can do in every moment of my own life to create more peace and love and joy in the world.

Each of us and what we choose to focus our energy on affects the entirety of humanity. Yes, we ARE that powerful. And with great power comes great responsibility as we all know (thanks, Spider Man).

These days I tend to focus on what I’m grateful for, stay in peace as much as possible (which is a PRACTICE) and and try to be present, not ruminating about the past or thinking about the future, but actually here in the moment. These are all things I have worked on and continue to work on. I’m a work in progress and I expect I always will be. Focusing on what I can change within myself to bring more balance, beauty, peace and happiness to the world is the best way I can see to gain ground and move forward in a world that seems to be lost in chaos.

This is part of the journey. We’ve shifted into a new time when things are changing drastically in our society, our country and our world. Of course it feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And of course there has to be demolition before we can build the new systems and a new society based on values we can truly stand behind. And of course people have different ideas of what those values are.

We have to realize we’re in this together. We’re going to have to transcend the idea of separation and reassess what we see ourselves as separate from. We’re not separate from those who have different political beliefs from us, we’re not separate from nature, we’re not separate from the cosmos or even the galactic community we reside within. We’re moving back to unity consciousness, whatever it might look like in the death throes of the old paradigm.

As for me, I’m going to keep holding the vision of the beautiful world I know is possible. And I’m going to keep working in my own little microcosm to make that something that can add value to the collective.

Grounding practices, herbs, yoga meditation and slow living help me to keep my focus. And connecting with others who are on a similar journey. Hit me up if you resonate with any of my ethereal ramblings.

Love to all!

His birthday passed this week. Twenty years since my beautiful son Ronan was born, still and purple, with the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck. He never breathed. Minutes before, he was alive, fighting for his life as he came down the birth canal, slowly having the life choked out of him as he descended. He kicked one strong kick and it was then that I knew something was very wrong.

I pushed with everything I had trying to get him out. I felt like my insides were going to come out with him; as if my body would split in two. And finally after what seemed like forever, he was born. The cord was unwound from his tiny neck. Mouth to mouth resuscitation failed. 911 had been called and as we waited time seemed to stand still. I was in shock. The ambulances arrived. He was taken in one ambulance while I was taken in the other. We were wheeled through the living room and out the front door as my six year old son and four year old daughter watched from the couch. I couldn’t see, but I always imagined them staring helplessly out the window, trying to understand what was happening.

At the hospital we were separated while they took me to a room full of people buzzing around me and trying to figure out what to do. I needed to birth the placenta, I could feel my body wanting to push it out, but they wouldn’t let me because when I tried to sit up, blood came out and they were afraid I might hemorrhage. While I was lying there being restrained by a nurse, they brought Ronan in so I could say goodbye to him before they took him to the Children’s hospital across the river in Louisville. I reached out to take him from the nurse who was holding him and another nurse yelled, “Don’t give him to her, she might drop him. She’s not stable!” So the nurse leaned down with him and let me nuzzle him and kiss him and then whisked him away.

They decided I needed a D&C to remove the placenta, so they brought a waiver for me to sign. It was read out loud to me and I distinctly remember the part where it stated that I may need to have my uterus removed. I had to sign off on that. And then I was wheeled to a room where anesthesia was administered.

When I woke up my mom was there. I found out that they hadn’t needed to do a D&C after all. The placenta was already detached and just needed to come out. My body had known that, but I hadn’t been allowed to push.

I went to a recovery room where I inquired when I could go to the Children’s hospital to see my son. I was told that I had to pee, eat and then show them that I could walk without assistance before they would release me and the conditions were that I come back to the hospital to spend the night under observation afterwards.

I made short work of all their requirements and soon my mom was pushing me out to her car in a wheelchair. We drove across the river and I was pushed in a wheelchair through the hospital corridors to the intensive care unit where Ronan was lying, wrapped in blankets and with a tiny hat on his head. He was attached by tubes taped to his sweet face to a breathing machine. His body was warm and he wasn’t purple anymore. I hated seeing him with all those tubes in his mouth and nose, but I got to hold him. That was when I finally cried.

After awhile I was summoned to a room with a couple of doctors who explained that Ronan had suffered massive brain damage and that even if he was able to breathe on his own without the machine, which they doubted, he would probably be a vegetable. I told them to take him off the machine then so we could see what would happen.

I was taken to another room with a rocking chair and some other chairs around the room. I sat in the rocker and soon they brought my sweet baby in and I finally got to see his face without the tubes and tape. He was beautiful. A perfect 8 lb. 13 oz. baby boy, his head thick with brown curls. I held him against my bare skin and reveled in his beauty. His soft skin, his sweet face, the hair on his shoulders that ran in a line down his back to a little patch just above his butt crack.

He wasn’t breathing on his own. The strange rhythmic and mechanical pumping of his lungs, the remnant of the pattern of the breathing machine he had been on for hours had faded and stopped within a couple minutes of him being put in my arms. He was really gone. Not that he was ever really there, but it was then that I actually let go of all my illusions and false hopes and let him be what he had been since that morning- stillborn. Rivers of tears blurred my eyes while I tried to take him in for the last time. Eventually I knew it was time to say goodbye. I redressed and reentered the wheelchair, taken again to my mom’s car, this time heading home to see my living children before going back to the hospital to spend the night.

They were so happy to see me when I got home! They scrambled up onto the bed to hug and kiss me and then asked, “Where’s the baby?” My eyes teared up as I looked at them sadly and said simply, “He died.” We cuddled and cried together on my bed as I explained the best I could to their little minds that their brother had not been able to breathe because the cord had been wrapped around his neck when he was being born. I don’t know how much actually registered or made sense to them, but they understood that Ronan wasn’t coming home . I explained to them that I had to go and spend the night at the hospital and then I would be home in the morning.

My mom drove me back to the hospital and I was put in a room of my own to spend the might under surveillance. I may have slept a few hours after crying so hard I felt pain all over. Of course I had given birth earlier that day, but I hadn’t felt my body until I was left alone in that room. I hurt all over, but all the aches and pains paled in comparison to the scathingly raw pain in my heart, the one that made it so hard to breathe. I opened the mint green satin box that tied closed with ribbons that lay on the bedside table. There I found Ronan’s foot prints and hand prints along with the little Winnie the Pooh shirt he had been wearing earlier in the day. I cradled it to my face. I could smell him. I breathed his essence into my very soul and the tears flowed for what seemed like hours. I would drift off only to be woken by a nurse who wanted to check my vitals and ask me questions.

In the afternoon of the next day I was finally released to go home. Gratefully my family had heeded my tearful requests and removed the crib, the diapers, the baby clothes and all traces of the things I had gathered to care for my darling Ronan. I arrived to the warm hugs of my children and soon retired to my bed. The corner where the crib had been for months stood out in empty contrast. It mirrored my heart, which felt just as empty.

For weeks I could barely function. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I cried for hours every day. I went through the pain of having my milk come in with no baby to drink it. Expressing it under a hot running shower didn’t give much relief but my tears ran as hot as the streaming water. Cold cabbage leaves helped and slowly the pain dissipated as my body adjusted to the lack of demand.

It was my children that kept me anchored to reality. Their needs, their voices, their sweet hugs and kisses. I knew they wanted more than anything for me to feel better. And I wanted to. I wanted to be normal for them again. But I couldn’t. I just had to put one foot in front of the other in between the waves of grief that would take me back to my bed, collapsed in tears, again.

After my body had healed from the birth, I started practicing yoga again. I would practice for an hour and a half to two hours every day. That helped me to ground into my body and to be able to be present in my life and with my children.

Looking back I can see why, in my case, this was the best course of action for the universe to take. I was in a bad relationship (the word toxic is so overused, but I do believe it qualified). I already had one beautiful daughter with that partner, but I didn’t need to have any more children with him. After losing Ronan, he and I split up, both of us casualties of the emotional trauma that was akin to the giant redwood that broke the camel’s back.

Twenty years have passed and the memories are still fresh in my mind. Time has smoothed the sharp edges of the pain, although all it takes is a few minutes for the grief to resurface and come slowly dripping out of my eyes when I think of my sweet Ronan. That’s the way of grief, as all who have experienced it well know.

There’s a special kind of grief that comes with birth loss. Not only are you grieving the loss of your child, but also all of the possibilities of their life. To never see their first smile, their first steps. To never hear their precious baby sounds or witness the menagerie of faces babies make. To never hear their cries or have the chance to soothe them. To never get to nurse them or burp them or change their poopy diapers. It’s a distinct flavor of sadness.

As painful as that loss was, it broke me, shattered me and my ego. It took me to depths of suffering I’ve never known and hope to never revisit. It isolated me. There was no one to turn to that understood my pain. In social situations I was like a leper, the oozing sores of my raw grief making everyone recoil and move quickly in another direction. I found out very quickly who my real friends were and that was a blessing.

As for Ronan and I, our experience was exactly what it was supposed to be, although it took many years for me to come to that understanding and to be at peace with it. I’m eternally grateful that he chose me to be his mother, to grow his body inside of mine where he experienced all he would in this lifetime. I feel deeply blessed to have shared those months with him, to hold his precious life inside my womb. It was through and because of our journey together that I have become the woman and the mother that I am today.

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