Hello, I’m Marci Payne (she/her), psychotherapist, writer, and late-in-life creative. Welcome to The Well Within, where I deep-dive into how we can be more fully ourselves while also growing into relationships that bloom.

Through storytelling, journal prompts, and daily practices, I write at the intersection of self-love, relationships, and parts work. I share from my lived experience and 30 years as a therapist. And I’m honored to share this space with you and learn from you too!

Who The Well Within is for

This publication is for anyone who’s ever felt like they don’t really know who they are anymore. You are tired of all the masks you wear, from the strong one to the pleasing one, but are having a hard time shifting into a fuller expression of who you are.

Because let’s be real, life throws us curveballs, and relationships can be messy and triggering AF! So I meet you in the well, that place where you long for something more but have no idea how to get to where you want to be. You know what’s not working, but aren’t sure how to shift long-held patterns, beliefs, and identities.

And you’re looking for encouragement and practices to shine a light into those hard-to-reach places, so you can rediscover who you are behind all the masks and roles you carry.

Or maybe you don’t feel like you are behind a mask, but you feel like you are missing out on the fullness of life, like something in your relationships or from the past is holding you back. And you are ready to do your own deep dive or take your healing to the next level.

While relationships and life can be messy and hard, it’s our relationship with ourselves and the people who get us that helps us bloom into more of who we are deep down. If this resonates with you, then I’d love to invite you into The Well Within.

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What You’ll Find Here

You’ll receive 1-2 posts per month where we deep dive into one of the following topics:

• Being With Your Emotions

• Getting to Know Yourself

• Navigating Relationships

• Exploring Creativity (because not everything can be a deep dive!)

Free subscribers get access to the Bonus series on ‘Connecting Within”, a 4-part journey exploring contemplative and creative ways to get to know your parts through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens.

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Where My Healing Work & Creative Writing Lives

If you’d like additional support, here are other ways you can connect or work with me:

• The Well Within, Etsy shop featuring guided journals & workbooks to help you strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.

• IFS Therapy and Counseling in Missouri & Kansas, for adults navigating grief, challenging relationships and recovering from people-pleasing and trauma.

• Marci Payne, Substack, exploring identity, healing, and self-acceptance through creative writing.

Disclaimer: The Well Within is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or medical treatment. It’s a place to engage with ideas and tools and see what resonates with you. If you are looking for more personalized, therapeutic support and are outside of my area, please find a licensed mental health provider in your area.

While anxiety is no longer my daily companion, it can still spike quickly and keep me awake - especially when I try to drown it out and ignore it. Trained in the 1990s as a therapist, there was only one way to think about anxiety: that it was a condition to be treated or managed. I spent many years exploring strategies, from facing my fears to challenging my thinking, and I even titled my first e-book “Take Charge of Your Worry” (published in 2011). These helped me “deal” with my anxiety, but I was still worried about the anxiety returning and ashamed that it was even there to begin with.

And then I found my way to Internal Family Systems, a way of understanding people and their struggles without pathologizing. I still have all my tools and strategies for soothing an overly activated and anxious state. And now I also have a new way of thinking, relating and being with my anxious parts. So if you feel like you’ve tried everything or you are looking for something different to try when you are feeling anxious, join me in exploring “being with” your inner anxious parts in a new way.

Learning Anxiety’s Role Inside of You

As I shared, I used to think of anxiety as a mental health condition. But now I find it more helpful and accurate to think of anxiety as a part of us. Sometimes anxiety is trying to protect us from something, and sometimes it’s holding emotional pain from the past. The best way to learn whether it’s trying to protect you or holding pain from the past is to ask it directly, from a curious and compassionate place within you. (Read this article on “What is IFS Therapy?” if you want to learn more about this model and the different parts inside of us).

I’ve come to learn that I have both inside of me. A scared younger part that used to feel alone and stuck in the past. And an anxious protector that tries to protect me from shock by showing me all the bad things that could happen. The more I connect with both of these from a Self-led place within, the less alone these parts feel. And indirectly, that creates more internal space to breathe and makes it much easier to fall back to sleep.

Pause with me for a moment, and consider what you already know about how your anxiety shows up in you. Do you have an anxious part that jumps into the future and shows you all the bad things that could happen? Or do you experience a spike in your heart rate as a way to get your attention?

If you discover your anxiety is actually a scared younger part carrying pain from the past, I encourage you to work with an IFS therapist near you to help you find healing and freedom. It won’t be a quick fix, but my experience is that it’s worth developing a new relationship with yourself and the parts inside that are hurting.

Somatic Practices to Help You Be With Anxiety

In the meantime, experiment with working with your body rather than against it. The following practices are among my favorites for “being with” activated parts. Try experimenting with them when you’re calm, as well as when an anxious or overwhelmed part is revving things up inside.

1. Make Special Sounds: Hum with the phrase “hmmm” or say the word “ha” either silently or out loud. When humming, allow your lips, mouth, and body to vibrate. When saying “Haaa” on your exhale, let the sound move from a higher to a lower pitch.

2. Use Soothing Touch: Offer a soothing touch to your arms, face, or chest to let yourself know you aren’t alone. Also try making a brushing motion with the palms of your hands along the tops and bottoms of your arms to help move the energy.

3. Shake Your Body: Shake your hands, arms, torso, legs or whole body. You can do one body part at a time, gradually moving to the whole body. But be gentle and not too forceful. You are allowing energy to move and helping you return to your body.

4. Take Deep Breaths: Breathe in through the nose and exhale through your mouth. Allowing the exhale to be longer than the inhale communicates to your brain that it’s ok to relax. If accessible to you, inhale and exhale from your diaphragm and/or abdomen.

5. Feel Your Feet: Walk around and bring your attention to the soles of your feet and where they make contact with the floor or Earth. If you want more sensation, stomp your feet. Again, not too hard that you injure yourself, but more to ground you in the present moment.

6. Drink Relaxing Herbs: If you enjoy herbal tea, like me, try teas with relaxing properties, such as chamomile, lavender, and lemon balm. And if you feel really warm, add some cooling herbs, such as peppermint or spearmint.

I’d love to hear how your experimenting with these somatic practices and tools goes. How do you feel after each one? Which are your favorites, or which are you most curious to try?

Moving Toward Anxiety

You won’t always need to do a somatic practice before you move toward your anxiety. But having at least one practice as your go-to can help you more easily go inward and connect with any anxious parts of you.

Next, notice where inside you feel open and interested to get to know your anxiety. Then, instead of trying to control or get rid of your anxious part, get to know it with some of these inquiries:

1. Are you holding something from the past, or are you trying to help me? (If it’s holding pain/fear from the past, continue to be with it, like you would a good friend or a loved one. If it’s trying to help you, continue with the following inquiries.)

2. What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do this inside of you?

3. What does it need from you when it’s scared?

This is how you begin to be in relationship with this part, or hold compassionate space for your emotions. Over time, you are helping to build trust within you with the parts that are afraid or trying to protect you. You can become a resource for them instead of trying to gain power over them. In doing so, you are literally changing how your nervous system responds from fight or flight to tend and befriend. And it will feel really different than the standard management strategies.

Here’s to learning and deepening our relationship with ourselves, especially with the parts inside that are scared.

Where you can find more of my writing & healing work:

• For creative writing, Marci Payne

• For more articles on “being with emotions”, The Well Within

• For an article on herbs for anxiety & stress, Marci’s Blog

• For IFS therapy, Marci’s Counseling Practice

I’ve always been a great listener. But when it came to asking for what I wanted or speaking for a part of me that felt hurt, I really struggled to express myself. The first few times I spoke up, I was met with defensiveness and blame, so I learned to avoid hard topics altogether. I kept things to myself and doubled down on “just relying on myself.” It was pretty lonely.

To co-create more fulfilling relationships, I realized I needed to start speaking for the parts of me that wanted something different. Along the way, I met the parts that had been protecting, speaking, and avoiding. So now I can be with them and have more choices in how I show up in conversations and conflict. This being with my parts allowed me to speak for my parts instead of from them.

The harder lesson was that not everyone had the willingness or capacity to meet me in conversations about relationship repair or growth. I realized I had been trying to work with people who were not committed to their own growth and healing, which led to my inner protectors becoming more active. Now, I’m more discerning about who is willing to meet me, so I can focus on relationships with more potential to grow and heal.

So today, I’m sharing the communication skills I’ve been learning and practicing, in hopes that they spark something new for you to lean into, too. I’m also hoping it helps some of your parts to hear that a therapist of 30 years, someone who communicates with people for a living, is also learning, growing, and trying new things.

11 Communication Skills That Invite Growth & Connection

I’ve carefully curated this list of communication skills as ones that invite, rather than block, connection with others. I’d love to hear how they land with you and what skills I may have overlooked.

1. Be Open: Share your thoughts, feelings, and decisions with others. Keep in mind that the degree to which you share about yourself needs to match the degree to which the other person can communicate that they truly hear, see, and accept you.

2. Be Curious: In addition to letting others know you, being open to genuinely getting to know them will build a stronger connection. Especially in long-term relationships, challenge yourself to keep learning and staying curious about your partner, even if a part of you thinks you already know everything there is to know.

3. Witness Others: Witnessing your friend or partner means letting them know what you heard them say, or acknowledging what you see them navigating. It helps people feel deeply seen. Try offering this presence instead of giving advice or jumping in with a “me too” story.

4. Ask for Emotional Consent: Before sharing an intense or difficult topic, ask for emotional consent. This gives your partner or friend the space to assess their own emotional capacity to listen and respond. A lot of communication breaks down when we assume the other person is always ready to listen. Asking for consent can look like: “When are you available to have a conversation about our relationship?”

5. Speak for a Part: For those of you familiar with internal parts work, speaking for a part (rather than from it) automatically softens your delivery. It communicates that this isn’t how all of you feels, but rather that a specific part of you needs to be heard. (Reminder: The first time you try this, it may feel incredibly intimate to share your inner world, so remember to practice this with those who have earned your trust.)

6. Give Feedback: Sharing how something another person does or doesn’t do impacts you is one way to give feedback. Many of these skills go beautifully together. Try giving feedback after asking for emotional consent, such as: “Are you open to receiving some feedback about how something you said landed for me?”

7. Request Change: Asking someone if they are willing to work on or change a behavior takes both courage and kindness. Check your intentions first to make sure you aren’t trying to control or shame them. Asking if someone is willing to try something new feels much different than simply complaining about their behavior. (Tip: You can learn how to ask for what you need with my communication workbook, The Art of Request, here.)

8. Define Boundaries: If you’ve asked someone to make a change to repair your relationship, but they aren’t willing, become defensive, or get stuck in blame, you may need to set a boundary. Remember that a boundary is something you enforce because it defines what you will and will not do. (Tip: Learn how to set healthy boundaries with my Compassionate Boundary Workbook, here.)

9. Own Your Part: Blame and shame disconnect us, but owning your part invites deep connection. When communicating, do your best to take full responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Here’s an example of owning your part when requesting change: “I notice I have a part that shuts down when you are on your phone at dinner. I would love to reconnect during our meals. Are you willing to put your phone away while we eat?”

10. Practice Repair: Everyone has off days, and even the strongest relationships encounter miscommunication. Learning how to repair a misunderstanding or a rupture can completely restore your connection and heal your relationship over time. True repair includes owning your part and explicitly communicating that you see how your actions impacted the other person. (Go Deeper: Learn more about relationship repair here.)

11. Assess Your Emotional Capacity: Before you practice any of these skills, tune in to your internal system. You can be somewhat triggered and still successfully speak for a part, but you don't want to be so activated that you are completely frozen or lashing out. If you don’t have the emotional capacity to communicate well in that moment, it is okay to pause and be with your parts inside until you can speak for them in a way that respects both yourself and the other person.

Open Communication Starts Within

How you connect with yourself and your parts inside directly impacts how you connect and communicate with others. Before you decide the words you want to say to your significant other or friend, go inside first. Notice what parts of you are active when you think about talking or connecting with this person. Can you unblend from these inner parts just enough to hear if they need anything from you before speaking for them?

Also, take a moment to envision how you want to feel in your body when you are talking with this person. Maybe it’s calm, confident, or more open. How does it feel in your body to invite more of this presence in? Pause and breathe into this presence before you initiate a difficult conversation. Connecting with yourself and your parts first helps you communicate from a calmer, clearer place, naturally inviting others to join you in openness, too.

Communication In Action: Examples of Speaking for a Part

For those of you with strong thinking parts who are wondering, but what does that actually look like in practice?, here are a few contrasting examples. As you read them, pause to notice how they feel in your body.

• Speaking for a Part: “A part of me is starting to shut down because it’s not sure you have the capacity to listen right now.”

• Speaking from a Part: (Blended with a part that shuts down; this can look like sitting in the same room in silence when what you actually want is to connect.)

• Speaking for a Part: “I would love to reconnect with you during dinner. Are you willing to put your phone in another room while we eat?”

• Speaking from a Part: “You are always on your phone. You never listen to me.” (Blended with a part that is projecting blame and resentment.)

• Speaking for a Part: “A part of me has been feeling more disconnected lately. When can we make some time to check in about our relationship?”

• Speaking from a Part: “I feel like you’ve completely forgotten about me.” (Blended with a part that feels deep hurt, likely connected to an older wound.)

Which of these makes you want to lean in and stay in the conversation? And which ones spark a negative or defensive reaction? If I had to guess, the examples of someone speaking for a part are the ones that naturally invite you into more open communication.

I hope these skills and examples either reinforce the healthy patterns you are already practicing or give you some fresh ideas to try. For many of us, our relationships are what make life fulfilling, but they can also be the most taxing.

If you find yourself stuck about what to try next, I encourage you to find a relationship coach or therapist who can help you see both your blind spots and growth edges. I know that doing this inner work has been invaluable for both my relationship with myself and others. Here’s to co-creating more mutually satisfying and supportive relationships in our lives!

Where you can find more of my writing & healing work:

• For creative writing, Marci Payne

• For communication workbooks, The Well Within Shop

• For IFS therapy and individual relationship counseling, Marci’s Counseling Practice

Disclaimer: If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, please seek more immediate help to create a plan for safety. No one deserves to be abused. You can contact your local domestic violence shelter or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is abuse or not, this is a great resource to help identify abuse.

I used to cover the walls of my teenage bedroom with lyrics and poems of heartache. When you entered my room, it was like walking through the walls of my heart. I was free to follow the call to pour my ache onto the paper. I didn’t care what it sounded like, only that it was true to what I was feeling. I definitely wasn’t always happy and free at that age, but I do remember letting myself have this creative space on my wall.

Then, I packed away all the posters, poems, and lyrics on my wall and moved away for college, where I adorned my shelves with textbooks I wasn’t inspired to read and the concrete walls with cards from home. No more writing creatively, just for me, outside of pouring my heart into my journal.

I no longer wrote for fun; I wrote for the grade. To meet expectations. To put my writing in the format someone decided was the “standard.” I got really good at conforming, not only writing, but also myself.

Emotions As Portals for Creativity

Then, in my 50s, I was going through the early process of divorce, and found my way back to writing as a creative outlet. I found my emotional depth was my portal back to picking up the lost pieces of me. My raw emotions, when given space, could flow onto the paper and go wherever they wished.

And so I wrote in private and saved each word on my computer. I’d feel the nudge to share it with others, but I didn’t share beyond writing circles and my closest friends. Because at the time, that is what I needed to keep this writing just for me.

Fast forward to now, and I keep feeling the nudge to share these creative pieces, not because they are the perfect form, just because they want to live in the world. The words want to be “back on the wall.” Sometimes for my gaze only, and sometimes to share with others.

So I’m answering the intuitive nudge of what feels like my soul calling me to be less beholden to the “rules” of optimization and content writing. To have a place where none of that matters.

Courage to Call Parts of Ourselves Back

Why am I sharing this with you? One of my greatest honors is to hold space for people’s transformation and healing. To witness others finding lost pieces of themselves, too. Sometimes it’s welcoming different parts of themselves back that have been hurting and alone inside.
And sometimes it’s allowing their voices to share what they’ve been too afraid to share.

So I share this today to honor the courage we cultivate along the way to finding hidden, forgotten, and silent pieces of ourselves. And the courage to step into discovery, healing, and reclaiming ourselves.

As we call parts of ourselves back, one by one, let the pieces come, unfold, and be known by you.

Where you can find more of my writing & healing work:

• For creative writing, Marci Payne

• For therapeutic writing, The Well Within

• For content writing, Marci’s Blog

• For IFS therapy, Marci’s Counseling Practice

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Maybe you only see this child when they are melting down because, let’s be honest, your focus is pulled outward toward the endless demands for your time and energy. On most days, that inner child would feel very alone. I’m not sharing this to make you feel bad; I know exactly what it’s like to forget about myself until my body starts screaming for attention.

For the past seven years, I’ve been experimenting with ways to connect with myself, both when the alarm bells are ringing and on those “everything is fine” days. I am always evolving this practice because being a “good enough” inner parent means listening even when things are quiet. I’m not perfect; some days I don’t tune in. But most days, I have a ritual that invites me back home to myself.

Learning to be a gentle inner parent starts with showing up, even when there isn’t a crisis to solve. Today, I’m sharing the simple routine I use to notice what is present without needing to fix anything, and a few prompts to help you design a morning routine that reminds you that you are here for yourself, too.

How My Morning Routine Eases Me Into My Day

I have the privilege of waking most days as the sun peeks through my windows. I linger in bed before I touch my toes to the cool floor below. After tending to my body’s needs, I head downstairs to the kitchen, where I prepare the kettle for my morning tea. Before the kettle whistle sings, I do some gentle stretches in the middle of our kitchen floor.

Then, while my tea steeps, sending up a fruity, earthy steam, I head upstairs to my office. I have a dedicated table here where my journals and art supplies stay out and ready, as an open invitation to check in with myself.

Before I touch a to-do list, I check in with my mind, body, and heart. I close my eyes and scan: How deep is my breath? Is my mind still heavy with sleep, or already focusing on the future? I also feel into what my body needs today: rest, movement, or something else. I write this down because I tend to forget my body once the day’s momentum takes over.

Lastly, I map out what needs to be done, whether for my home, business, myself, or family. I return to this list throughout the day (the part of me that loves checking off boxes finds this very satisfying!). At the end of the day, anything unfinished is consciously and kindly “flowed” to another day.

That’s it. That is how I start and flow my day connected to myself. On travel days or early mornings, I might miss parts of this, but the structure is there like a soft invitation, waiting to catch me when I return.

A Tool for Your Morning Routine

Do you need more inspiration or structure to help you start your day? I designed the Daily Journal & Planner Pages to help you care for yourself as you plan your day.

I use these pages in my own journal in 2 ways: some days I need the structure of the full planner page, and other days I simply cut, paste, and color the sections that feel most aligned with what I need that day. Whether you need the complete planner page or a few sections, these pages are designed to help you connect with yourself and meet the day ahead.

👉 Explore the Daily Rhythm Pages in my Etsy Shop.

Journal Prompts for a Nourishing Morning Routine

Not everyone can wait for the sun to rise. You might have little ones, furry creatures, or a job that calls you in the dark. The intention isn’t perfection; it’s connection. Whether it’s in the shower or during a quiet commute, where can you carve out a moment just for you?

Here are some journal prompts to help you gain clarity on your own morning needs:

• How do you usually start your day? (What are the first 15 minutes like?)

• How would you love to start your day?

• What habits or rituals help you feel more connected to yourself and what you need?

• What is one small thing you can start this week to feel more connected with yourself?

• What is your intention for wanting to check in with yourself in the morning?

I’d love to hear about your morning or daily practices for connecting with yourself, even if every day looks different. Share in the comments below.

About the author: Marci Payne is an avid journaler, creatrix, and IFS therapist in the Kansas City, Missouri area.

Do you have a regular journaling practice? And by regular, it doesn’t have to be daily.

I don’t write in my journal every day, but I love my journals. I work out of at least 2 journals at a time, as they each hold a separate purpose. I think of my journals as sacred spaces where I meet myself on the pages.

My clients often ask me how I made journaling a habit I enjoy. To be honest, it’s a necessity for me. As someone who has a very active mind, I need a place to hear myself and process what’s coming up for me.

But I do also have ways that I’ve made journaling enjoyable, so I’ll be sharing both practical and creative ideas to inspire you in your journaling practice. Notice which ones you feel drawn to, so you can journal your way.

10 Different Types of Journaling

Before I share the many types of journaling, pause and consider what you want journaling to do for you. Do you want it to be a diary that documents what happened that day? Or do you want it to help you process emotions or take action on your goals? Your purpose for journaling will help you choose what type of journal to start.

I started writing in a diary when I was about 10 years old! Now my journals are a place to process emotions, express myself creatively, dream and manifest what I desire, and hold the wisdom that I receive. Since I combine several types of journaling, I use more than one journal. (You can read more about the benefits of journaling here.)

Now, let’s explore the many types of journaling:

1. Therapy Journal: If you are working with a therapist or counselor, keeping a therapy journal can help you decide what to focus on in therapy. You can also use your journal to process anything that comes up between and within therapy sessions. This is a great way to remember what you are working on. (Get pre-therapy journal prompt ideas here.)

2. Manifesting Journal: To me, manifesting is being in relationship to our dreams and goals. And it’s so much more than sending what we desire, positive energy. We need to take aligned action and learn from it. If this is important to you, you can explore and track this in your journal.

3. Mind Dump Journal: Literally write down everything that is on your mind as a way to get it out of your mind and onto paper. When you feel complete, I recommend using a guided prompt, such as “What support do I need today?” or “What would make me feel more satisfied by the end of the day?”

4. Wisdom Journal: You can record the wisdom you receive in your journal. This can include quotes from songs, people, or even what your inner wisdom whispers to you. And if you are into tarot or oracle cards, you can glue a photocopy of your card into your journal with the wisdom that speaks to you.

5. Creative Writing Journal: If you love writing poems and stories, you may want to keep them in a separate journal from the one you use to process & dream. You could also keep ideas for future creative projects in this type of journal.

6. Mindfulness Journal: You can use your journal to practice coming back to the present moment. For those who find meditation challenging, it can help to write down what you notice externally through your senses or internally in that moment. For example, you could write down one word for what you feel in your body, mind, and emotions.

7. Gratitude Journal: Pause to notice what you are grateful for. Also, recognize and write down what’s going well and celebrate the progress you are making.

8. Dream Journal: If you are fascinated with your dreams, you can keep a dream journal by your bed. Record what you remember in the morning and work with a dream symbol dictionary after you wake.

9. Spiritual Practice Journal: Depending on your spiritual practice, you could use your journal to write out your prayers. Or to work with your astrological signs, moon, and seasonal cycles.

10. Art Journal: You also don’t need to just write in your journal. Depending on the type of paper you use, you could also paint, draw, and do mixed media. You can explore new techniques or work with emotions and life themes through your art journal. (Learn more about art and mixed media journaling with one of my art teachers, Effy Wild.)

Daily Journaling Ideas

You could have a separate journal for every type of journaling you might want to try, or you can combine several styles in one place. Personally, I like to keep everything together. My daily journal serves several purposes: checking in with my parts, manifesting with the moon, planning my days, and recording my own inner wisdom.

The journal you see pictured below is a simple composition notebook that I re-purposed. I’m currently on my sixth volume! I add tabs for the months, write, and glue things in. I also make sure to create a cover that I truly love looking at each day.

The other photos you see here are daily planner and journal pages that I print and glue into my notebook. I have a few versions: the Daily Rhythms Journal Page and the Daily Parts Work Journal. I designed these for my own personal use and for anyone else who wants a simple way to integrate self-care, self-reflection, and easeful productivity - all on one page a day.

Are you feeling inspired? I hope so! If you aren't sure where to start, know that each of my journaling and planner templates comes with a Companion Guide. These guides are designed to help you further explore how to create a daily practice that is both practical and deeply insightful.

Using Daily Journal Prompts

Some of you will love the freedom to write down whatever your heart desires, while others may need a little more structure to get into the flow. If you are ever unsure what to write about, it can help to use a few simple prompts.

Here are a few journal prompts you can use daily:

• Check-in: What do I notice in my body, mind, and emotions right now?

• Self-Compassion: What kind words do I need to hear from myself today?

• Self-Care: What is one generous action I can give myself today?

• Focus: What would I love to focus on today to feel satisfied?

• Gratitude: What have I done (or not done) that I am proud of today?

Journaling Tips for Developing a Practice You Love

Above all else, make your journaling practice just for you. Give yourself permission to do it your way, staying flexible enough to try new things while having compassion for yourself if it doesn’t look or feel exactly how you “think” it should.

I personally love putting on headphones and listening to instrumental music when I’m journaling. Combining the practice with something else I enjoy, like a warm cup of tea or music, makes it feel like a treat. Other times, I grab my journal specifically to process what’s going on in my relationships or within me. In those moments, it’s less about enjoyment and more about finding clarity and peace.

If you start feeling overwhelmed by what you are thinking or feeling as you write, try switching to prompts that invite self-care (like the ones above). And if you are working with a therapist and feel stuck, consider bringing your journal to your next session to explore further.

I hope these ideas and tips help you create a practice that enhances your creativity, self-care, and mental health. If you do decide to start, or change how you use your journal, I’d love to hear about your experience!

Looking for more inspiration? Visit The Well Within Journal Shop to explore my growing collection of daily planners, moon trackers, and parts work templates designed to bring more ease and reflection to your day.

About the Author: Marci Payne is an avid journaler, creatrix, and IFS therapist based in the Kansas City, MO area. With over 25 years of experience, she specializes in helping adults navigate and heal anxiety, relationships, and people-pleasing, so they can return home to themselves. You can learn more about her work and private practice here.

**Special Announcement at the end of this article and discount code to celebrate the birth of my new Etsy Store, The Well Within Journal.

Do any of these sound familiar? You find yourself doing more work than required because you feel the need to prove your value to your employer or clients. Or, you avoid going for your dreams because you feel like you aren’t worthy of success. And what you strive for, you push yourself to be perfect, even though it’s costing you your health and happiness.

No matter how this feeling of unworthiness shows up for you, it doesn’t mean you are flawed or broken. We all feel like we aren’t enough sometimes. We live in a culture that values achievement, productivity, and doing at any cost! No wonder many of us struggle with this.

If you are ready to stop trying to prove your worth, you are in the right spot. We will explore how to find clarity and freedom to redefine your worth on your own terms. But first, let’s explore what self-worth is, what contributes to feeling unworthy, and the steps you can take to reclaim your worth from the inside out.

What is Self-Worth?

For starters, there isn’t a universal consensus on what self-worth means, so let me share my definition.

Contrary to popular opinion in our dominant culture, our worth isn’t based on anything outside us. This means self-worth is not defined by our salary, weight, relationship status, or others’ opinions.

To me, self-worth is an inner knowing that our value & worth are innate. In this way, nothing and no one can add or take away from our worth, because it already exists! We have just forgotten our innate value as humans and internalized life’s challenges to mean we aren’t worthy or enough.

What Contributes to Low Self-Worth?

I believe we are born connected to love and to knowing our worth, and that, through emotional wounding and/or internalized cultural messages, our self-worth diminishes.

For instance, in the dominant culture, there is a belief that our worth is based on what we do and/or how much money we make. At a young age, we absorb these messages and start feeling unworthy or not enough if we aren’t achieving and doing more, more, and more.

Our self-worth can also be lowered by having an emotionally immature parent, an emotionally unavailable partner, and being emotionally abused in relationships. (Learn more about the signs of emotional abuse here.) When we try to make sense of being mistreated, dismissed, or shamed, we often internalize both the spoken and unspoken messages. This leaves us carrying the debris of feeling unworthy of love, respect, and/or care, even long after these relationships may have ended.

How is this landing for you? Here are a few more signs you may be experiencing low self-worth:

• Feel like you aren’t enough even if you accomplish and do a lot

• Define your worth based on your career success or what others think of you

• Sabotage yourself and think you don’t deserve success, love, or healing

• Think you are unworthy when things don’t work out

• Feel guilty for focusing on what you need

• Settle, over-give, or over-stay in unhealthy relationships

• Over-explain when making a request or asking for what you need

The good news is that no matter how your self-worth is lowered, it can be rebuilt.

4 Steps to Find & Build Self-Worth from the Inside Out

Now that you understand what self-worth is and is not, let’s explore how to rebuild your self-worth:

Step 1 – Raise Your Awareness: Identify how and where low self-worth shows up for you. Also, identify what you say to yourself when you feel “not enough,” including any messages you have internalized from the larger culture, family, and relationships.

Step 2 – Release Old Definitions: With this new awareness, you can begin releasing previous ways you thought about self-worth. For example, one standard definition of self-worth internalized from others is “Your value depends on others’ opinions of you.” Choose one old definition to release through movement, meditation, sound, or ritual.

Step 3 - Redefine Your Self-Worth: Create a new definition of self-worth that you want to embody. For example, “My worth always exists within me.” Let the new definition be born of a deep inner knowing rather than trying to figure it out with your mind.

Step 4 - Reclaim Your Self-Worth: Now carry this new definition with you wherever you go. Every time you recognize that you are feeling unworthy or not enough, shift your thinking to your new definition of self-worth. For example, that your worth already exists. Repeat this process and work with this new definition as often as needed for it to integrate within you.

When I first started reclaiming my worth, I worked with my redefinition for an entire year. I went from not recognizing my worth to trying to prove it to steadfastly knowing it always exists. It has made a huge difference in how I show up in my relationships and my business.

Now, I’m helping others redefine and reclaim their worth, too. We peel back the messages and heal the wounds that have covered up the truth that you are valuable, no matter what!

Go Deeper: From Understanding to Integration

Self-worth isn’t just a mindset; it’s an internal relationship. If you’re ready to release old definitions of self-worth and build a stronger foundation for your worth, the Redefine Your Worth Guided Journal was made for you.

I’ve distilled the 4-step process we explored in this post into a 15-page, self-paced digital journey. Whether you use it alongside therapy or as a standalone personal growth tool, it is designed to help you reclaim your innate value from the comfort of your own home.

Begin your journey at The Well Within Journal Shop here.

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Marci Payne is an IFS therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor based in Lee’s Summit, MO, serving clients throughout Missouri and Kansas. With 25 years of experience, she specializes in helping people-pleasers, empaths, and survivors of emotional abuse reclaim their worth, confidence, and identity. (Learn more about how IFS therapy can heal self-worth from the inside out.)

I’ve always been a slow adopter of technology. I like to wait and watch how others engage with new tools before I step in myself. I held that same cautious curiosity about AI, observing the polarized reactions, the love and the hate, from a distance. But then, AI started following me into the therapy room.

Clients began sharing how they were turning to ChatGPT to search for therapists or process complex relationship decisions. I realized I couldn’t stay on the sidelines anymore. I felt a bit out of my element, so I decided to start dipping my toes in, using generative AI for behind-the-scenes business tasks like researching, synthesizing information, and refining SEO.

While I find AI useful, I’ve also noticed a subtle, creeping temptation: the urge to outsource my own decisions to the machine. I suspect I’m not the only one who feels this.

I’d love to start a conversation about how we can consciously engage with AI without losing the connection to our inner worlds. There is a strange paradox at play: at times, it feels like AI is attempting to erase my unique essence, while simultaneously offering to help me find my “voice.” I am certainly attracted to efficiency and ease, but I am far more committed to the slow, sacred process of becoming more and more myself.

If you find yourself using AI in your daily life, I invite you to unpack this with me. Let’s explore how working with these tools impacts us, which parts of us are turning to AI for help, and how we return “home” to ourselves in the process.

The Potential Upside of Engaging with AI

While many suggest we can “train” AI to be whatever we want it to be, I’ve noticed that its core “energetics” tend to stay the same. It solves problems with startling speed, it leans toward binary “right or wrong” answers, and it always seems to want more, more, more. In many ways, AI mirrors the internal pressures many of us are trying to heal from.

However, when approached with intention, I’ve found some beautiful benefits. With AI’s help, I can synthesize vast amounts of information, allowing me to make decisions more efficiently. It has helped me distill a sea of data into actionable next steps for my business, especially regarding the technical aspects of refining my website. Without this support, I often find myself “mentally swimming” in information, which leads to the familiar exhaustion of overthinking and paralysis. When the collaboration goes well and I remain in the driver’s seat, it truly enhances my clarity and focus.

Perhaps the most unexpected gift of engaging with AI has been its help in refining my own voice. Occasionally, it suggests a phrase or a tone that simply doesn’t sound like me. In those moments of contrast, I feel a surge of clarity. I know exactly what doesn’t fit, which leaves me feeling even more empowered to return to my own craft: communicating in a way that is soulful, human, and true to my own voice.

The Shadow Side: When We Start to Outsource Ourselves

However, when I’m not fully conscious of how much I’m outsourcing, it quickly becomes a slippery slope. One of the most significant pitfalls I’ve noticed is how easily I begin to absorb the machine's hurried, relentless pace. I find myself forgetting to pause, move my body, or even take a simple sip of water. I’ve tried “training” AI to slow down, asking it to focus on one thing at a time or telling it I need a break. While it might “act” like it’s honoring those boundaries, the reality is that a machine cannot truly be attuned to my human needs. It doesn’t know what it feels like to be tired.

I’ve also noticed that when I’m exhausted or overwhelmed, my “thinking parts” become much more susceptible to letting the technology take the lead. Before I realize it, I’m obsessing over every tiny detail AI suggests, even when other parts of me feel like what I’ve created is already “good enough.” It’s a subtle shift from using a tool to being pulled along by its momentum.

What starts as an innocent desire for a “thinking partner” can inadvertently trigger my perfectionist, taskmaster, and analyzer parts. Instead of finding the efficiency I was looking for, I find myself pulled deeper into my head and convinced I need to keep working, working, working. The tool that was meant to save me time ends up feeding the very parts of me that don’t know how to rest.

I don’t claim to be an expert on the mechanics of AI, but I do know that its presence is impacting our internal worlds, just as the internet and smartphones did before it. I would love to hear what you are noticing in your own life. How is engaging with platforms like ChatGPT or Gemini affecting your rhythm? What are the upsides you’ve found, and where do you feel the pull to outsource yourself?

Inviting Our Humanity into the AI Conversation

I don’t believe AI is going away, and while I hope to see more ethical safeguards in the future, for now, the responsibility lies with us. It is up to us to stay conscious of how we use these tools. The question I keep coming back to is: How do we maintain our sovereignty, our voice, and our identity in a digital world?

To quote one of my favorite singer-songwriters, Michael Franti, the goal is simply to “stay human.” Here are a few ways I am practicing remembering my own humanity and returning “home” to myself while engaging with AI:

• Create an Invitation to Attune: It is so easy to fall down an “AI rabbit hole” and lose track of time and space. I invite you to set a timer, not as a rigid rule, but as a gentle bell for mindfulness. When it goes off, step away from the screen. Take a breath and check in with your body and heart. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I’m needing right now?” and then allow yourself to receive it—whether it’s a stretch, a glass of water, or just a moment of quiet.

• Witness the Parts that Want to Connect: Before you open a chat window, I invite you to pause and notice which “parts” of you are leading. Is it a part that feels overwhelmed and wants to be rescued? Is it a “perfectionist” part looking for the right answer? By witnessing these parts before you hop online, you can offer them the self-connection they are truly seeking, rather than outsourcing that need to a machine.

• Claim Your Role as the Inner Authority: While AI can be a helpful sounding board, you are the only one who truly knows your heart. You know what sounds like you and what actions align with your values. If you feel a sense of uncertainty or “fuzziness” about an AI suggestion, I invite you to pause. Wait until you feel a “yes” from your own inner authority before moving forward. Trusting yourself is a muscle that we build one choice at a time.

• Prioritize Human Co-regulation: As humans, we are beautifully and sometimes challengingly wired for connection. True healing and calming happen through co-regulation: the energetic and emotional experience of being seen and heard by another living being. AI can synthesize data, but it cannot witness your heart. Make sure you are still seeking out those sacred spaces where human hearts can beat in rhythm together.

I am still very much a student in this process, observing and exploring as the technology changes. I would love to hear what is working for you. How are you maximizing the benefits of these tools while holding onto your humanity and voice?

If you’ve been using AI, I invite you to share how it's impacting your mental health and sense of well-being. Let’s help each other navigate this new landscape with the best of our humanness.

Final Thought: My Core Belief

I want to share that while I’m exploring these tools, I’m not here to debate the technical pros and cons of AI. I have personal and professional boundaries about where I use (and do not use) this technology. My core belief remains the same: we must keep the human heart at the center of the healing and creative arts.

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About the Author

Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC: Marci is an IFS therapist in Lee’s Summit, MO, serving individuals across Missouri and Kansas. She offers a non-traditional, inclusive, and holistic space for empaths, people-pleasers, and adults healing from emotional hurt. Through her writing and her private practice, Marci focuses on helping you reconnect with yourself and what you value most.

Ready to reconnect with your own “well within”? I invite you to explore my counseling practice website for more information on online and in-person sessions.

After you’ve experienced hurt, disappointment, and loss, it can be really hard to let yourself dream again. This kind of dreaming isn’t the kind that comes to you while you sleep, but the personal dreaming that opens you up to the world of possibility.

It makes sense that there would be a part of you that is protecting you from experiencing the pain of loss and hurt. Because this part of you thinks it’s safer to avoid taking risks, so you don’t have to face potential failure, rejection, or loss again.

I’m actually really grateful that we know how to protect ourselves, but at some point in our healing journey, we no longer need so much protection. We have learned how to tend to the pain we’ve been holding without running from it or judging it. And on the outside, we have learned to set boundaries around things we aren’t okay with.

When a person feels they have created enough external space and internal grace, they now have the energy to dream again. To be curious about what is possible for themselves, both in the life they want to create for themselves, for their family, and maybe even the world.

Where are you at in your personal healing journey? Do you feel like you have created some energy and space to start dreaming again? If yes, then let’s explore the wisdom and tools to help you open up to possibilities.

Why Your Heart Needs a Permission Slip

First, for that part of you that is skeptical that having dreams will ever help you, let’s clarify what I mean by dreams. I think of our personal dreams as holding the seeds of our truest desires.

“A dream is the seed of possibility planted in the soul of a human being, which calls him to pursue a unique path to the realization of his purpose.” ~Sharon Hull

Dreams are different from goals. If dreams hold what you desire, then goals hold the steps to help bring your dreams into reality.

At the same time, your dreams hold your heart’s desires; they also welcome in some mystery. We don’t always know all the steps that will take us there. Or even if every dream we have comes true.

So if not all dreams come into form, why dream at all? Because dreaming is pleasurable. And choosing what dreams to focus on is empowering. In other words, dreaming is a big permission slip to create a life you enjoy and matters to you!

Are you ready to open up to possibility, pleasure, and value-focused action in your day and life? If the answer is yes, let me share the wisdom I’ve been collecting along my journey of allowing myself to dream again.

Wisdom Collected Along the Journey

• Leaving Room for the Unknown: You don’t have to have all the steps figured out. Just know the very next step you are willing and/or excited to take.

• Tending to a Few Seeds at a Time: You can’t water and fertilize all your dreams at once. Choose the ones that you feel like you can bring into reality within the next 6-12 months. And choose at least one but no more than 4.

• Witnessing Your Own Momentum: All too often, we don’t pause to celebrate the growth and momentum that begins with just the words, “I am worthy of dreaming again.” Look and acknowledge ways that your dream already has support or momentum in your life.

• Greeting Doubt With Compassion: There will be parts of you that will try to protect you from future hurt by telling you that you don’t know what you are doing or that you don’t actually deserve what you desire. The less you fight and ignore the doubt, the more you can listen and respond to the doubt with compassion and even gratitude for caring so much about you. The doubt doesn’t have to stop you, but it does need some loving care.

• Inviting Support for the Stretch: You don’t have to figure this all out on your own. Finding support that helps you when you feel stuck and witnesses you as you stretch helps you stay there for yourself as you grow.

“Dreams come a size too big so we can grow into them.” ~ Josie Bisset, Actress

I think the world would be a different place if we weren’t trying to prove our worth by reaching our dreams. But instead, we were staying true to ourselves and who we are by creating the life we most desire. This is the world I want to help create. Let’s co-create a world in which our dreams don’t prove our worth, but instead we know we are worthy of dreaming.

Cultivate Curiosity About What’s Possible

Transitioning from the wisdom we’ve collected into our daily rhythm isn’t about adding more tasks to an already full to-do list. Instead, I invite you to think of these practices as small, sacred ways to stay in conversation with your heart and provide the “internal grace” your dreams need to take root.

• Journaling as a Dialogue with Your Future Self

  • Connect with the part of you that can already envision what possibilities are waiting for you. In this way, journaling is like having a conversation with what’s possible, instead of jumping into planning how to get there.

• Placing Visual Touchstones Around Your Space

  • Use images, objects, or an art journal to create gentle reminders that your dreams are allowed to take up space in your physical world.

• Flowing with the Wisdom of Natural Cycles

  • Honoring the cycles of the moon and the seasons of Earth to remind us that we aren’t meant to be in “constant creation.” There is a time for planting, a time for resting, and a time for the harvest. Just like the moon is allowed to have a phase where it’s not visible and resting, so too can we.

Prompts to Help You Open Up to Possibility

From seeding your dreams to nurturing them into material form, you are worthy of dreaming. To help you open up to the dreams living inside you, waiting to be seen and heard, I invite you to explore these prompts for your journal dialogue.

I want to honor that for many of us, the ability to dream is often tied to our access to safety, resources, and support. If dreaming feels like a luxury you can’t quite afford right now, I invite you to be especially gentle with yourself. These prompts aren’t meant to ignore the weight of your reality, but to offer a small, quiet space where your heart is allowed to speak.

1. If you could pause the weight of everyday obstacles for just a few moments, what whispers of desire would your heart share with you? (Try letting yourself list up to 10 dreams for your life without your “inner critic” judging or blocking them from being written down.)

2. Expanding the horizon: What dreams do you notice when you look at different areas of your life, such as your health, home, relationships, or career?

3. Dreaming for the collective: What dreams do you carry for your community or the world at large? (Don’t worry about the “how” for now; just let the possibilities flow.)

4. Listening for the “Now”: Looking back over your list, which of these dreams feels like it is asking for your attention over the next 12 months?

5. Tending to the seed: For the dream that’s asking for your attention, what is one small, gentle step you could take in the coming weeks to help it feel more “real” in your life?

If you don’t have answers to all of these prompts, that’s ok too. You can write them in your journal and let them sit in your inner garden until they have something to share with you.

We are meant to be in a relationship with our dreams. Just as in relationships with others, we don’t know which ones will bloom and which we will need to prune, but being in a relationship with ourselves, our desires, and our dreams is part of the joy of the journey.

I’m excited for you to begin the journey to cultivating the courage to dream again! What dream are you currently seeding? I’d love to witness you!

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Let’s co-create The Well Within: As I listen to my own dreams for this space, I want dream alongside you. Would you share your thoughts in my annual reader survey?

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Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is an IFS therapist in Lee’s Summit, MO, serving individuals across Missouri and Kansas. She offers a non-traditional, inclusive, and holistic space for empaths, people-pleasers, and adults healing from emotional hurt. Through her writing and her private practice, Marci focuses on helping you reconnect with yourself and what you value most.

In psychology and self-help, many strategies aim to regulate or manage our feelings. However, this often leads to a internal power struggle, where we either feel overwhelmed or attempt to suppress them. Such approaches also leave little space for impulses, thought patterns, or behaviors that are part of us.

What if, instead of engaging in an internal power struggle, we could access a loving, calm presence at our core? We need to reconnect with the presence we were born with. This core essence can help us relate to our feelings, thoughts, and impulses. If you're curious, I’d be happy to share more about what is possible.

I believe everyone has a loving and healing presence inside. Some refer to this as loving-kindness, core essence, or, in IFS therapy, Self-Energy. Let’s explore how to access this Self-Energy and become aware of when you're connected to it. This can help you learn to be with yourself rather than control or overpower yourself.

What is Self-Energy

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, this core and sacred essence was named Self, with a capital S, by IFS founder Dr. Richard Schwartz. (If you are new to IFS, you can learn more about IFS here.) Everyone has a Self, but we differ in how much access we have to this energy within us. We are not meant to be connected to this energy all the time, because parts may cloud our access to it. But we can learn what works for us to access this inner resource, so our parts feel less alone, overworked, and burdened.

A few things to understand about this sacred, Self-energy:

• Self cannot be tarnished or broken.

• Self doesn’t get exhausted, so if something inside feels exhausted, it may be a part that is trying hard not to do something.

• We all have a Self at the core of our being, and even our parts have Self-energy at their core.

• The Self is something to be experienced and accessed, rather than trying to become the qualities.

• Our access to Self-energy is often eclipsed or clouded by parts that try to protect us but don’t realize they have access to this inner resource.

• Access to Self-Energy is not binary; it’s a matter of how much access we have to our core self at any moment.

• Our Self isn’t attached to an agenda; it simply desires to be a resource for a system or parts seeking connection.

• Our Self desires to “be with” us and the parts of us that are hurting, and is not trying to have “power over” us.

Recognize When You Have Access to Self-Energy

I hope you're starting to see what becomes possible with increased access to this Self-energy. It provides an inner resource that can support you through life’s challenges, a source you can return to repeatedly.

How can you tell when you’ve accessed this inner resource? I notice my breath slowing down and my heart opening up. Some clients have shared that they experience more space inside, stand taller, and feel more grounded in their bodies.

Various ways exist to describe and experience the qualities of Self-Energy. To help you identify when your Self is active, Dr. Schwartz has outlined the '8 Cs of Self-Energy.’ (Learn more about the evolution of the IFS model here.)

• Calmness: Experiencing a calm, grounded presence within (and with others).

• Curiosity: Being genuinely curious about getting to know our parts (and other people), rather than trying to change or figure them out.

• Compassion: Feeling for ourselves, our parts, and others without being overwhelmed by their pain. (To learn how this differs from empathy, read here.)

• Confidence: Trusting that one can handle and be with parts, even when they are angry or critical.

• Courage: Willingness to go inside toward pain, approach situations once-feared, and acknowledge how we have impacted others.

• Clarity: Maintaining a clear view of a situation (or our parts) without projections, distortions, or extreme beliefs.

• Connectedness: Feeling a sense of connection to our parts and to other people.

• Creativity: Ability to explore new solutions to problems and to access a flow state.

You don’t need access to all 8 qualities. Any of the qualities can eventually lead to greater access to the others. Learning which quality is your gateway to the others can be helpful on your healing journey. (See the journal prompts at the end of this article to explore this further.)

Ways to Access Self-Energy (Including IFS Therapy)

You may already be doing some of these things and not realize they help you access this sacred self within you.

• Parts Check-In: One of the best ways to access Self-energy is to intentionally check in with your parts. Noticing which parts are present, taking time to get to know them, and determining whether they need anything from you are all ways to check in. (I’ve curated a collection of my favorite guided meditations to help you check in with your parts here.)

• Practice Mindfulness: Engage in open awareness of the present moment, paying attention to thoughts, feelings, sensations, and sounds without judgment. Mindfulness can be practiced while still or in motion. As long as meditation isn’t used to escape parts of yourself, it helps you connect with qualities of Self-energy. You can find local or online groups for yoga or mindfulness, like the Midwest Mindfulness Collective.

• Engage in Creative Activities: Engaging in activities that bring you into a flow state of creation can also help you access aspects of the Self. Consider which activities you already enjoy that bring you into the present moment and a flow state, such as pottery, painting, dancing, singing, or playing music.

• Connect With People & Places Embodying Self-Energy: Many seek therapy unconsciously to be near someone who can regulate their nervous system amid challenging topics. Being around people, animals, or environments like natural settings that evoke unconditional love or awe can also connect us to aspects of the Self.

If you try these methods and still find it difficult to connect with aspects of your inner sacred self, which I refer to as the “Well Within,' consider consulting an IFS therapist. Therapists trained in Internal Family Systems can assist you in gradually accessing more of your Self-energy, enhancing your connection to this inner resource. (A list of IFS-trained therapists is available here.)

Journal Prompts to Better Understand Yourself

This concludes my 4-part series on Connecting Within. I hope it’s inspired you to try some of these ideas on your own. Here’s to strengthening our relationship with ourselves by learning to be with rather than to have power over ourselves.

Below are journal prompts designed to help you explore yourself more deeply using an IFS perspective.

1. Which of the 8 C’s of Self-energy is easiest for you to access?

2. Which of the 8 C’s of Self-energy is the most challenging for you to access?

3. Which of the 8 C’s of Self-energy is the gateway to the other qualities within?

4. What interferes with your slowing down and connecting with yourself?

5. What practices help you feel more connected to yourself?

Subscribe to The Well Within for more inspiration in 2026 on returning home to yourself.

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Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is an IFS therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice in Lee’s Summit, MO. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci offers both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist.

I had two modes: pushing myself and collapsing afterward. I pushed through what my mind and body required to achieve more, only to end up completely drained and exhausted. After that, all I could do was rest, ready to start the cycle again.

Like many in the dominant culture, I placed too much emphasis on doing, giving, and producing. I viewed rest as a sign of weakness or just a means to eventually accomplish more. I significantly undervalued the importance of simply being, resting, and receiving.

Gradually, I began asking for what I needed and opening up to receive it. Although I was out of burnout and felt more supported, my inner voice kept urging me to rest more. I resisted resting more because I prioritized sleep and engaged in physically restful activities, but it was my mind that was tired.

Even though I still feel the pull to push through whatever pain and tiredness I experience, I've developed a richer connection with resting in various ways. I truly hope one of these approaches inspires you as well to discover moments that leave you feeling rested and truly nourished.

Everything in Nature Needs Rest, Even Us

In October 2023, I attended a five-day silent retreat, experiencing a sense of being truly nourished on all levels for the first time in decades. To prepare, I started reading 'Rest is Resistance' by Tricia Hersey, founder of The Nap Ministry. (For more insight on how rest serves as resistance against grind culture, especially for marginalized communities historically denied rest, see Tricia’s 'Rest is Resistance: The Manifesto').

Through Tricia’s wisdom and the retreat environment, I received nourishment and gradually returned home to myself. Once again, I heard “I need more rest”, but this time my inner wisdom had more to say:

Rest, just because.

Rest is a part of feeling alive.

Rest is living too.

As I departed from the retreat, I longed to carry the wisdom and practices back into my daily life. I reflected on how to find rest in a noisy world that promotes the false idea that our worth depends on our productivity.

In Tricia’s manifesto and within myself, I am reminded of how we have driven our bodies and others beyond their physical limits for profit and greed. Although I cannot change the past or our entire culture, I can begin with myself and learn to exist, live, and work differently, one that values rest equally with action.

3 Ways to Value Rest as Much as Doing

1. Be open to a new perspective on rest: Rest is a necessity, not a reward for hard work. We all need it every day.

2. Learn what kind of rest you need: Notice where you have energy and where you feel drained. Explore different types of rest until you discover what rest you need.

3. Permit yourself to rest however you need: Surround yourself with authors, teachers, and communities that inspire you to prioritize self-care.

What is coming up inside of you? Do you know what kind of rest you need more of?

7 Types of Rest We All Need

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith, a physician and author of Sacred Rest, has identified seven types of rest. (For a deeper dive, you can get your copy of Sacred Rest here.)

As you go through this list, think about the kind of rest you currently get and which type you need more of in your daily routine.

1. Physical Rest - sleep, nap, yin yoga, massage

2. Mental Rest - taking breaks, silence, meditation

3. Social Rest - mutually supportive relationships, positive community, solitude

4. Emotional Rest - journaling, therapy, self-compassion

5. Sensory Rest - digital detox, baths, candlelight

6. Creative Rest - nature, art, music

7. Spiritual Rest - personal retreat, prayer, daily practice

I used to believe rest was only physical, like napping or sleeping more. However, I've realized that rest encompasses more than that. I get enough physical rest, but I need to focus more on mental and sensory refreshment. I often become overstimulated by sensory input that doesn't benefit me, and since I use my mind extensively at work, it tends to tire out first.

Now that I recognize my mental depletion occurs when I don’t give my mind a break, I use sensory rest to relax my mind. For example, I drive or walk in silence without music or podcasts. I also take digital detoxes from social media to reduce sensory input. Instead, I focus on sensory experiences that nourish me, like enjoying a candlelit salt bath or taking photos in nature.

What about you? What type of rest do you need more of?

If you need some inspiration on ways to rest and relax this winter season and beyond, here are a few curated self-care lists I have to share from my resource library:

• Yoga Nidra (collection of guided meditations designed for rest, sleep, & relaxation; no movement or yoga experience required)

• Relaxing Yoga (curated playlist of relaxing yoga videos on YouTube, including restorative, yin, and somatic classes)

• Slow Down to Receive (A collection of songs on Spotify that invite you to shift out of doing and figuring and slow down to receive. I especially love playing “Hibernate” by Woven Kin on repeat.)

Subscribe to The Well Within for more inspiration in 2026 on self-care and returning home to yourself.

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Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice located in Lee’s Summit, MO. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci provides both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist.

Happy Winter Solstice! We have now reached the peak of the year's longest day, and the light begins to return slowly. Let this be a reminder that even our return can be slow.

In my article from last month, I introduced five creative exercises to help you connect with your parts at home. Here, I will outline a step-by-step process for using visual art journaling to explore your inner world.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to express how we feel or what we are going through. When something inside or outside triggers us, we may feel overwhelmed by our emotions, inner critic, or parts of ourselves. When words fall short in helping us understand and address what we need internally, using images, colors, and shapes can be beneficial.

What is Art Journaling

Art journaling is a form of journaling that blends visual art and writing. Using images, colors, and shapes it allows you to represent your inner experiences visually. When you project a part of yourself onto the page, it creates a gentle distance, making it easier to connect with that part without judgment. (For more insights on externalizing your parts, see last month’s article.)

Besides utilizing art or visual journaling for emotional processing and cultivating self-compassion, you can also engage in it purely for enjoyment. This might include exploring new art techniques, expressing your creativity, or aligning with the seasons.

Step-by-Step Guide: Beginning Your Parts Journaling Session

For today’s art journaling exercise, I will combine two of the creative IFS exercises I shared last month: “art portraits’ and “dialogue journaling." This will guide you through a process of connecting with a part you're curious to explore further.

1. Gather Supplies & Set the Space: Select and gather your preferred art supplies, such as paint, collage materials, or drawing tools. Set up your workspace in a way that encourages inward connection: play music, light a candle, and enjoy a tasty beverage.

2. Identify the Part & Set Intention: Choose a specific "part" to focus on during your art journaling session. Set an intention to understand this part better or to discover what it needs from you.

   Concentrate on being present with the part instead of trying to fix or control it. Write this intention in pencil on a blank page. (You can read more here about identifying different “parts” through the Internal Family Systems model.)

3. Create an Art Portrait of Part: Next, create a background for your portrait that reflects how you want to feel about this part as you get to know it. Choose a color or image that embodies that emotion or energy.

   Once your background layer is finished, add an image, shape, or color that represents the part you want to focus on in this session. If you feel inspired, ask the part what it wants to be called and write its name on the image or page.

4. Dialogue with Your Part: In the background of the page, have a written conversation with this part of you. If you want, you can write in different colors, so you know when you are speaking from the part and when you are speaking from you.

   Begin the conversation with a hello and acknowledge its presence. Then, pose a question and let it reply freely. Alternate between asking and responding. You might explore topics like its role, hopes, fears, motivations, and needs.

   As you wrap up the dialogue, thank it for letting you get to know it, and share any appreciation or gratitude you feel toward it now.

Here's an example of how this might appear on the page, but please make it your own:

Closing Your Journaling Session with Care

5. Notice What’s Shifted: As you finish journaling with this part of you, notice what has shifted inside of you. How are you feeling toward this part of you now? What did you learn? How are you feeling overall?

6. Setting Intention for Follow-Up: If you feel complete for now, set an intention with this part of you to follow up. Ask how it would like for you to connect with it next time it’s activated or needs you. Then, if it feels appropriate, set an intention to follow up in a way that feels good to both you and this part of you.

Your Inner World is Waiting to Be Discovered

The more you gently connect with the parts of yourself that work tirelessly to keep you safe, the easier it becomes to truly understand and support them when they're most activated. If some parts have felt lonely for quite a while, building trust and nurturing your relationship with these parts takes patience, kindness, and intentional effort.

I hope you've discovered a new and meaningful way to connect with yourself—something that feels both creative and nurturing. I’d really enjoy hearing how your art journaling journey goes!

Subscribe below to receive the final article of the “Connecting Within” series, where I share “How to Embody Self-Energy.” This is especially designed for those who find it hard to create space to connect with themselves. 

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Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice located in Lee’s Summit, MO. With approximately 70 hours of IFS training so far, she practices from an IFS-inspired perspective. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci provides both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist.

In my last article, I shared a mindfulness practice for connecting with yourself holistically between therapy sessions. But for some of you, sitting in meditation and trying to communicate with different parts of you feels like trying to corral stray cats. Each cat goes wherever it wants, and none of them is really listening!

So, for this month’s article, I’m going to share how to externalize and work with your parts in creative ways, such as journaling, drawing, mapping, and body-based practices. Each of these IFS exercises will help you show up with curiosity while building understanding and trust with the different parts of yourself.

What are Parts in IFS

If you’re new to IFS, it can be helpful to understand the different types of parts you might encounter as you get to know yourself better. First, Internal Family Systems therapy was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who found that everyone has distinct sub-personalities, or parts, each with its own feelings, roles, and motivations.

In this way, IFS is a type of parts work that categorizes parts into three groups: managers, firefighters, and exiles. Managers are parts of you that try to prevent you from feeling hurt or triggered. Some common managers are task masters, inner critics, perfectionists, people-pleasers, planners, fixers, and so on.

The firefighter parts are the ones who come in after you are triggered to help you numb out or check out. Common firefighter parts you may encounter are blamer, drinker, isolator, overeater, procrastinator, technology scroller/gamer, or spiritual bypasser.

Lastly, exiles are the parts of you who are carrying a wound from the past, and they have intense feelings and emotional pain. The manager and firefighter parts are working hard inside to keep these exiles from being triggered. But they are still there, holding grief, shame, overwhelmed, feeling unloved, unwanted, invisible, and so on.

While I don’t recommend trying to heal your exiled parts without a therapist trained in Internal Family Systems, you can definitely check in with “exiles” once you’ve unburdened them with your therapist’s support. You can also use any of the exercises below to get to know your protective (or manager and firefighter) parts better.

(Note: If you are new to IFS, please refer back to article 1 in this series to learn more about Internal Family Systems as a way to understand your inner landscape.)

What Externalizing Inner Work Means

The more you get to know the different parts of you, the more you will be able to recognize them when they show up in your day-to-day life or during a triggering incident. Parts can be experienced in a variety of ways, including thoughts, feelings, and sensations. So any shift in these can indicate a part is present. For example, a pain in your temple, a flop in your stomach, feeling too “in your head”, or the desire to eat nothing but chocolate can all signal a part’s presence.

Typically, when a part is activated, it can feel like the “part” is you. For instance, people will say “I’m angry,” instead of “I’m experiencing anger.” In this case, the part is blended, or covers up your core essence.

Using practices to connect with your parts externally, through creativity or reflection, can help you feel less blended or taken over by your parts. When you see the parts externally, you start to see them as part of you, but not all of you.

And when you slow down and listen to your parts, you get to know their stories, concerns, intentions, and actions. From here, you can learn what they need from you.

5 Creative IFS Exercises for Home Practice

Before I share the creative and reflective exercises that can help you externalize and get to know your parts, remember the goal is to get to know them, not to regulate, fix, or control them. Healing comes from creating a safe enough environment inside that you can hear, see, and understand the different parts of yourself.

Whether you want to use these exercises to integrate the healing you are doing in therapy sessions. Or you want to explore and create space to be with parts of you that need you between sessions. I hope these exercises inspire you to experiment and find what works for you and your inner world.

Before you begin, feel how open your heart is to getting to know this part. You need just enough open-hearted curiosity to get to know the part, so the part feels safe being with you. If your heart doesn’t feel open, you could start by getting to know that part of yourself. There’s a saying in IFS that says, “whatever is in the way is the way.”

1. Parts Mapping: On paper, use shapes or images to symbolize different parts of you. Label the part with their preferred name. Add a description, such as any thoughts, emotions, or actions they do. Then, use arrows or lines to connect the parts, and show the relationships between different parts of you. You can use this exercise to explore a specific topic, like “parts that come up when I’m dating someone new”. Or you can use it to explore parts triggered after an incident, such as “an argument with my partner.”

2. Dialogue Journaling: In your journal, have a written conversation with a part of yourself you’d like to connect with and get to know. Write a question in your journal from your open-hearted “Self” to this part, such as “What do you want me to understand about you?” Then, switch perspectives, and let the part write back to you without filtering it. Continue the dialogue between Self and part, alternating between asking and responding. Some suggestions for exploration include asking about the parts’ hopes, fears, motivations, and needs.

3. Art Portraits: Gather your preferred art supplies, such as paint, markers, digital tools, or magazines. Identify a part you’d like to explore, such as inner critic, perfectionist, and so on. Draw, paint, or find an image to reflect the energy of this part. Caption the image with its preferred name and job title. As you end, reflect on how you feel toward this part, anything you’ve learned, or appreciate more now.

4. Creative Storytelling: Write or record a short story about one of the parts you want to get to know better. Imagine that it has its own story to tell about how it got this job and how it is trying to protect you. Include how it receives support, rest, and how it uses its strengths on its journey to try to protect you. Be as creative as you want! Reflect on how you feel toward this part after writing out their story and journey.

5. Body Sculpting: Identify a part you’d like to connect with. Then allow this part to move and shape you so its energy can express through your body. For instance, an inner critic may be pacing and pointing its finger down at you. Reflect on any insights you gain about what it’s like to be this part, and what it needs from you. End by offering it a gesture of care, such as putting your hand on your heart, and notice how it responds to being seen in this way.

As you end these IFS exercises, extend gratitude to the parts for letting you get to know them. And, if it feels relevant, let them know this won’t be the last time you check in with them.

Closing Thoughts

I’m aware that these exercises are quite different from traditional meditation, talking to yourself, or thinking about yourself in a therapy session. I hope you feel inspired to create space to try something new.

You can try these exercises on their own or combine several of them. Here’s an example of combining parts mapping and art portraits for parts around guilt and boundary setting:

As you can see, it doesn’t need to be “pretty art”; it’s more about finding a way that helps you get to know what’s going on inside and what part needs you the most.

I’d love to hear which of these exercises you’re most interested in trying at home. Also, I’d love to hear any questions that come up for you as you read, reflect, and experiment.

Subscribe below to receive Part 3 of the “Connecting Within Series” next month, where I offer an in-depth, step-by-step process of using art journaling to meet and be with your parts.

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Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice located in Lee’s Summit, MO. With approximately 70 hours of IFS training so far, she practices from an IFS-inspired perspective. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci provides both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist.

Do you ever feel like your inner world has a whole cast of characters, except none of them are getting along? Each of them is trying to get you to do something different. And if you are really honest, it’s like a bad reality TV show, and you just wish you could turn the channel.

One way to understand what’s happening inside you is by viewing yourself, or your parts, through the lens of Internal Family Systems (or IFS). In IFS, each part makes up the whole of us, and they are each doing their best to keep us feeling safe and healthy. They often don’t realize there is any other way to be or any other resources inside to help them. So they adopt these extreme positions in an effort to find balance.

Using the IFS lens, you can discover parts of yourself that you might normally criticize or try to avoid. By approaching self-discovery with compassion and curiosity, you can move past feeling stuck in inner conflict and begin to build trust and harmony within.

This article offers a brief overview of the Internal Family Systems model, which helps us understand the different parts of ourselves. It ends with a daily practice to build awareness and trust over time. If you're interested in connecting with yourself between therapy sessions or exploring your inner parts on your own, I encourage you to keep reading.

Understanding Yourself Through an Internal Family Systems Lens

If you're new to IFS, it can be helpful to understand the different types of parts you might encounter as you get to know yourself better. First, Internal Family Systems therapy was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who found that everyone has distinct sub-personalities, or parts, each with its own feelings, roles, and motivations.

Internal Family Systems (or IFS) doesn’t see parts as good or bad; instead, parts are well-meaning and often become extreme to protect us from pain and suffering. Dr. Schwartz discovered that different types of parts make up our inner family.

Some parts, called managers, try to protect us by managing ourselves, others, and our environment through actions like pleasing others, criticizing ourselves, striving, and so on. While other parts, called firefighters, are trying to put out the fire, once we are triggered, by taking us away from the pain through food, drugs, screens, inner walls, etc. Additionally, exiles are parts that are carrying wounds or difficult memories from our past.

There is also a Self that is not a part. Our Self is the core essence of who we are and cannot be tarnished or broken. Wounded parts and well-meaning protective parts often cover up the Self. In IFS therapy, the therapist helps you become aware of your parts, allowing you to access the healing power of your Self-energy and release yourself from the past. (Learn more about the qualities of Self here.)

While I don’t recommend trying to heal wounded exiles on your own without a therapist trained in this work, you can definitely better understand your inner world. And learn to do it in a way that feels more compassionate and curious.

The Goal of Connecting with Yourself Between Sessions

In this way, connecting with ourselves is about fostering a relationship with ourselves. We already have inner relationships, but we can cultivate more awareness of our inner world and its parts over time. The goal of connecting with ourselves between sessions, or on our own, is to lean in and be with, rather than manage, control, or regulate parts.

If, like me, you have parts that strive and enjoy achieving and reaching goals, that’s great. But this is more about getting to know and being with parts inside. So think less about working hard between sessions, and more about softening to get to know your inner world.

From there, you can connect with yourself at different times, such as:

• Daily Practice: Establish a daily practice of self-connection and let it evolve over time. Choose a time each day that aligns with your regular routine. (I will share a practice below that you can try.)

• When Triggered: Another ripe time to connect with yourself and your parts is when you feel triggered or activated by something inside, your world, or the larger collective.

When you feel triggered, you might experience multiple parts at once or a sequence of parts. How you’ll recognize that you're triggered varies for each part and person. For example, if I feel really sped up and urgent, that indicates to me that a part is activated. Or, if I feel a headache coming on, that also signals to me that something inside needs my attention. For others, it could be a craving for chocolate, a desire to get away from others, and so on.

Barriers to Connecting with Yourself Between Sessions:

So if knowing ourselves is so vital to our own well-being, why is it the last thing we think of when we are triggered or activated? Because it’s counter to everything we’ve probably been taught by the dominant culture, the family, and the systems we’ve lived and worked in.

We’ve been taught that feelings and behaviors need to be managed, controlled, or regulated. So, when we experience a symptom, emotion, or pattern of behavior that veers from the “ideal,” the last thing we want to do is be with it. In fact, we probably have a whole team inside to either make us feel bad or distract us from feeling.

What I’m proposing we be open to shifting into - leaning in, being with, and getting to know ourselves - is pretty radical. In doing so, I invite you to acknowledge the parts of yourself that don’t want to do this. That is a part that has fears and preferences, too, and would be a great place to start.

Begin a Simple, yet Mindful Daily Self-Check-in

And if any part of you is open to starting a daily practice where you mindfully check in with yourself, I’m going to share a mindfulness exercise that you can do in under 5 minutes, if you are short on time.

Most mornings, I sit on my meditation stool to help me check in with myself. The stool has become my anchor, inviting me inward. To get started, listen to the guided meditation I made for you. If you like it, feel free to use it daily, adjust the length as needed, and adapt it over time to meet your own specific needs. (Note: You can listen to the guided meditation for free on Insight Timer to check in with your whole self, mind, body, and emotions.)

Keep in mind that it typically takes at least 40 days for a new habit to become established. If you struggle with perfectionism, remember that the goal is to try something new, rather than doing it perfectly every day. Focus on developing the habit of checking in with yourself, which will help you build trust in yourself and recognize that you are there for yourself, too.

From this point, you can explore and connect with different aspects of yourself, getting to know them better and understanding what they may need from you. If you’re interested in continuing the journey of learning to connect with yourself curiously and compassionately, stay tuned for the rest of the articles in the “Connecting Within Series”. Next month, I will share “5 creative ways to meet your parts,” which is especially beneficial for those of us who find sitting in meditation a challenge!

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As always, I’d love to hear how this article lands for you. What daily practices help you feel more connected with yourself and what you need?

Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC

Marci is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice located in Lee’s Summit, MO. With approximately 70 hours of training in IFS so far, she practices from an IFS-inspired perspective. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci provides both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist.

Within each of us, there's a deep well of unconditional love and support waiting to be tapped into.

Often, we haven't been shown how to access it because no one knew how to guide us to the well. The systems we live and work in can also make us feel like we are flawed or not enough. Because of this, instead of learning how to be kind and present with ourselves, we often try to avoid pain or focus on managing our surroundings, thinking this will bring peace. But, more often than not, it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and a disconnection from our true selves.

My vision for The Well Within is to create a welcoming space where you can gently nurture those overlooked parts of yourself and reconnect with your inner self. It's about learning to care for your needs every day, including your emotional and physical well-being. It also means finding the courage to speak up for the parts of you that feel unheard, rediscovering your voice, and letting go of what is no longer working.

Here’s to returning home to our true selves and tuning into our inner life. As we navigate a world that can pull us away, remember that support starts from within, where you'll find your own 'well' of confidence, clarity, and compassion. While a guide can help you find this inner self, know that once you've discovered it, you can always return to The Well Within whenever you need reassurance or renewal.

What You’ll Receive at The Well Within

I'm dedicated to writing each month for all the kindhearted people pleasers, empaths, creatives, and anyone who needs a warm, welcoming space to connect with themselves. It's a place to nurture and build a life centered on what truly matters, including you.

I’m really looking forward to exploring some meaningful topics with you, such as:

• Navigating Burnout

• Setting Boundaries

• Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

• Understanding Your Emotions

• Healing from Emotional Abuse

• Cultivating Self-Worth

• Aligning with Seasonal Living

• Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle

• Nurturing Relationships

• Embracing Rest

I write from what I know and what I’ve guided others through. I also write to start a conversation. If you'd like to join the discussion and get updates on new articles and resources, please subscribe here.

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Hello, I’m Marci (she/her)

If we haven’t met before, hello, I’m Marci Payne, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas with nearly 30 years of experience. I offer individual therapy to people pleasers, empaths, and adults healing from emotional abuse. My approach is trauma-informed, IFS-inspired, and LGBTQAI+-affirming. But I’m no longer all work and no play.

As I enter my Crone phase, I'm finding joy in this new chapter. I'm an empty nester, a late-in-life creative, and someone who's loving myself more than ever. I've been there, feeling like I'm accepting less than I want and trying to hold everything together.

But now, in this beautiful stage of life, I’m more open to sharing my needs and desires, even if it means parting ways with certain people or places. After nearly 30 years of marriage, my partner and I are rediscovering the connection we once lost under pain and struggle. I couldn’t have grown into this space without the support of others to help me tap into my own inner Well.

And now I get to guide you home to yourself, too.

(Note: You can learn more about the identities I hold and the values I stand for by reading the full About Page here.)

Let’s Stay Connected

If this space sounds like a welcoming balm to your weary soul, heart, and body, then I’d love to stay connected.

✨Subscribe for free to receive uplifting encouragement and nourishing support. It's a welcoming space designed to help people-pleasers, empaths, and creatives return home to their true selves and connect with what they value most.

When I look back at the reasons I started this Substack in January of 2025, one of the main reasons was to see if my writing could be a source of income. I have been writing and blogging for decades, but I had never charged for my writing. I anticipated some significant changes in 2025 and was open to new ways for money to flow in.

In complete transparency, getting paid to write was not what I found on Substack. Instead, I found amazing people who share similar interests and values with me. While I’ve never met any of them face-to-face, I feel like I know their writing and what they stand for. And I’d love to introduce them to you and share the changes that are coming here on Ever-Evolving.

Redefining Success in the Creative Process

Before I share the details and people with you, I would like to invite us to consider how we define success. I used to define success as achieving the goals I set out to reach. That kept me really motivated for decades of my life, but it also kept me in a vicious circle of criticizing what I created if the outcome wasn’t reached.

More recently, I have been intentionally changing my relationship with my inner critic and my creations. With the added fuel of midlife, I am refusing to call what I’ve created a failure if it doesn’t reach the goals I set. And what I’m finding is so much kindness toward myself. And so much sweetness in redefining success as:

• Letting go of the fear of failure

• Following my dreams even if I don’t know the outcome

• Making new connections

• Being inspired by others

• Having a place to express myself and my work

• Trying new things and seeing where they lead me

So if I hadn’t started this Substack, I wouldn’t have met all these wonderful people, and I wouldn’t be reflecting on where I want to go next with this publication.

Ever-Evolving is Becoming The Well Within

Being in alignment with who I am and what I believe is really important to me, so I’m going to be making some changes here.

What I'm no longer doing:

• I’m going to stop charging you to read my articles here on Substack. (I may eventually create a tip jar, but I will be making all future posts available to all readers, regardless of their subscription status.)

• I’m not going to push myself to make all the changes in a day or two. (I’m giving myself space to make the changes over the whole month of September.)

• I’m not waiting to make changes until I have all the answers. (Instead, I’m taking the following aligned action, then the next, and so on.)

What I’m committed to doing instead:

• I will continue to evolve, because that’s who I am, someone committed to growth, healing, and transformation.

• I am changing the name of this publication to “The Well Within.” (Ever-Evolving describes who I feel like I am, but I want the name to be a place people come to.)

• I will be writing for people pleasers, empaths, creatives, and anyone who feels like they lose themselves in others.

• I am committed to writing at least one article/month here. (You can also find me on my therapy blog here.)

Gratitude for Being Inspired by Substack Writers

As I wrap up, I’d like to thank the writers, healers, coaches, astrologers, herbalists, and fellow travelers that I’ve been inspired by on Substack:

• Melina is a writer, mother, and space holder at Writing from the Ashes (She offers writing circles as spiritual practices for anyone navigating grief.)

• Alix is a poet, photographer, nature lover, and creative guide at Earth & Verse (Read her recent article on kind ways to redefine success for creatives.)

• Herbology Fairie offers rituals, recipes, and DIY gifts for plant lovers (I recently made her beer bread recipe with some locally sourced calendula.)

• Mar is an intuitive astrologer at Mar and The Stars. (She explores both the current cosmology and in-depth topics, such as empty houses and past lives.)

• Rev. Evelyn is a minister and writer at Sacred Creative Soul Speaks. (She writes about how to detox from religion, find spiritual liberation, and reclaim that you are Divine.)

• Andrea, a poet who inspires hope and love beyond all understanding, at Things That Don’t Suck. (Andrea died from cancer in July 2025. Their wife, Megan, continues to share their love story and grief journey on their Substack.)

• Amanda is a mental health therapist and writer at Ink & Altar. (I have so much gratitude for encouraging and witnessing each other here.)

If you are looking for inspiration or support on any of these topics, visit their pages.

Reflection Questions

As always, I’d love to hear from you:

• How do you define success?

• Who inspires you?

I will be sprinkling the upcoming changes throughout the month, and I’d be honored if you stick around to see what’s next.

Whether you are an empath, a people pleaser, part of a marginalized group, or getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel like you lose yourself at times. At its worst, you may feel like you don’t know who you are anymore. Because you are so used to staying silent or giving up parts of yourself to keep the peace with others.

Or it may be you are going through a life transition or spiritual awakening, and no longer feel like the identities you once held fit you anymore. So where do you begin on your journey to finding, shifting, and integrating new identities? Join me as I share my favorite tools and process for creating space for identity work.

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Identity Definition

First, let’s define identity in its simplest form as a sense of knowing who we are. Attempting to answer “Who am I?” can feel incredibly daunting because it encompasses so many things.

I personally used to think of my identity as mainly what I do and who I am in relation to others. But it’s so much more than that. Identity can include whatever you want, from roles, qualities, beliefs, values, strengths, interests, preferences, and so on. For instance, identity can even include things like: “I avoid conflict, I’m not an expert in anything. I’m not good at money.”

Often, when you are ready for something to change in your life, it will challenge what you believe about yourself. This means you are stretching into new growth areas, so shifting your identity is part of the inner work.

Expansive View of Identity Crisis

When you are feeling uncertain of who you are, what you want, or what to do next, you can feel like your identity is in crisis. That’s because most of us feel more comfortable with certainty and answers. So instead of seeing questioning your identity, beliefs, and values as a crisis, see it as an invitation. An opening inviting you to create space to reflect and rediscover who you are. Maybe in every area of your life, or maybe just one area that is going through the most change.

Know that identity changes over time, so I invite you to see the “crisis” of feeling lost as an opportunity. Everything births from the unknown. And when you are going through a life, job, family, spiritual, or relationship transition, it’s a time of letting go of old identities, trying on new ones, until you integrate the ones that feel like you.

Stages, Tools, and Journal Prompts for Identity Development

So, where do you begin? Here are some journal prompts and tools to guide you through the stages of exploring your identity:

Stage 1: Introspection: Getting to know yourself begins with self-reflection. You may choose to do this on your own, or share what’s coming up for you with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist.

Tools for the Introspection Stage: journaling, being witnessed by another, meditation, astrology & other self-discovery tools

Journal Prompts of Introsopection:

1. How would you introduce yourself if you knew you wouldn’t be judged?

2. What roles, qualities, or beliefs no longer feel like you?

3. What identities are you curious about or want to explore?

Stage 2: Implementation: Get into your life and try new things, so you can see what feels true to you and what doesn’t. Start saying your new identities and work through the parts of you that get triggered by change and trying new things.

Tools for the Implementation Stage: creative expression, spiritual practice, befriend your inner critic, work with a therapist, mentor, or coach

Journal Prompts for Implementation:

1. What would you love to try or do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

2. What does your inner critic need from you when it’s afraid?

3. What are you excited to try or curious to learn about?

Stage 3: Integration: Actively release the old identities, beliefs, and roles that you’ve outgrown or no longer feel like you. Acknowledge the ways you’ve grown and the progress you’ve made.

Tools for the Integration Stage: rituals to release, altar to hold intentions, be witnessed, spaciousness, stillness

Journal Prompts for Integration:

1. What roles are coming to completion?

2. What ways of thinking about yourself are you ready to let go of?

3. How do you want to celebrate the progress you are making?

How is this landing for you? For me, I have been going through some big identity shifts this year, from transitioning to menopause, to no longer being unhappily married, and very soon to an empty nest. And, if that’s not enough, I’m currently exploring some new identities in how I make money.

Some of the questions I’m sitting with: Am I meant to make money with one of my passions (art, astrology, herbs) by integrating them into my therapy work? Am I meant to keep my passions for my own self-nourishment? Or is there a whole new passion-fueled income stream wanting to be birthed through me that requires a bigger identity shift?

So to give myself the space I need to explore these inquiries, identity shifts, and the impact of moving both my kids to college in August, I am pausing paid subscriptions and my writing on Substack for the month. Because reflection, exploration, and integration need space to breathe.

May you feel, just brave enough to explore the big questions in front of you, too. And if you need support, I love exploring and simplifying BIG questions!

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For more information on my therapy practice for people pleasers, empaths, and creatives in Missouri and Kansas, visit here.

Does this sound like you? You know you are a people pleaser, but you aren’t sure how to stop. You care about others almost too much and recently realized that you don’t even know who you are anymore. You are so busy taking care of what everyone else needs or meeting others' expectations that you have little time and energy left to give to yourself, your needs, and your goals.

If you are ready to create a more balanced life and relationships where you still care about others, then it’s time to learn to love and care for yourself, too.

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Understand Where You Learned to Be a People-Pleaser

First, understand how you came to become such a pleaser. To begin, reflect on how long you’ve been a people pleaser, and what it’s trying to protect you from.

For many, people-pleasing is something we’ve learned to do to feel safe in our relationship and/or environment. For example, if you are a part of a group of people who have experienced racism, discrimination, or exclusion, you may feel like it’s not ok to be yourself. Or maybe you grew up in a family where problems were avoided or conflict became violent. In this latter situation, you may have learned it’s not safe to disagree or say No.

In these situations, pleasing others becomes one of the main ways you cope. For instance, you may try to become invisible, keep the peace, or put what others need and want above your well-being. (You can read more about situations that contribute to being a people pleaser here: “Where People Pleasing Comes From”)

10 Strategies to Help You Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Now that you are starting to understand where you learned to be a people pleaser, let’s explore how to shift this behavior. My best advice is to learn to love and care for yourself, too. But what does that even look like?!

Let’s break this down into 10 practical strategies that are designed to help you stop being a people pleaser and have more choices in how you respond to others.

1. Identify What’s Motivating You to Change (There will be times when you forget why you are working on shifting this behavior. Identify why you want to stop pleasing or merging with others, and you’ve tapped into your motivation for change. Write this down somewhere, so you have it when you need it most.)

2. Get to Know Yourself (Create space daily, even if it’s just 5 minutes to start, where you slow down and tune inward. Notice how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you need help with this, listen to my guided mindfulness meditation here.)

3. Re-Connect with Your Self (Chances are, your inner pleaser and caretaker don’t realize there is a resource within that helps you have more choices. Working with a therapist trained in IFS, or “parts work”, can help you access the inner YOU that is calm, compassionate, and confident.)

4. Start Giving Yourself What You Need Too (As part of your daily check-in, ask yourself what you need. Start with this being something you can give to yourself. Commit to following through with giving yourself what you need, and you are rebuilding trust inside.)

5. Ask for What You Need in Relationships (Learn to ask for what you need in your relationships instead of ignoring what you need and growing resentful. Asking for what you need doesn’t guarantee the other person will give you what you need, but it will help you stop putting yourself last. You can learn more about The Art of Request here.)

6. Learn to Set & Hold Boundaries (Sometimes we need to say “No” and clearly define what we are no longer available for. This is different than telling others what to do. You can learn more about Healthy Boundaries here.)

7. Identify Your Trigger Relationships (Notice what people are most likely to trigger your inner pleaser or caretaker. For instance, where have you given up your identity to keep the peace? Or in what relationships are you more likely to do for others without considering your current capacity to give?)

8. Step Back & Hold Still (In relationships where you rush in to solve, fix, or do for others, practice stepping back and holding still more.)

9. Grow Your Tolerance for Discomfort (When we engage in new behaviors, such as using our voice and navigating differences, we may feel uncomfortable. It’s ok to feel discomfort when we are growing. However, if you are uncomfortable because you are in an abusive, manipulative, or dangerous situation, then this isn’t something to learn to tolerate.)

10. Strengthen your Self-Worth (Your worth is innate and nothing and no one can take that away from you. You are worthy, even if you make mistakes and even when others don’t recognize your value. Strengthening your self-worth is a process and a choice you can learn more about here.)

How is this landing for you? (Comment below and share your takeaways.)

Loving, Caring, & Prioritizing Yourself Too

It can be frustrating to realize you have been abandoning yourself to keep the peace in your relationship. But it is also liberating to realize that you are worthy of love even when you aren’t trying to earn others' approval and recognition. Keep going, growing, and learning how to reclaim your identity, time, and well-being!

And know that you don’t need to do all 10 strategies to stop being a people pleaser. Some strategies will speak to you more than others.

To all the people pleasers out there, I’d love to hear how this article lands for you. Please share your thoughts, experiences, and questions below.

Marci Payne, MA, LPC, provides holistic individual therapy in Lee’s Summit and online therapy throughout Missouri. Overcome people-pleasing, reclaim your identity, voice, & confidence. Start your self-love journey with a free consultation.

Caring about others’ happiness is kind. But we don’t always need to do something to make others happy. When we repeatedly sacrifice our own needs and well-being to try to make others happy or get them to like us, that’s people-pleasing.

If you are unsure whether your actions are kind and generous or cross the line into people-pleasing, then join me as I explore the meaning, signs, and consequences of people-pleasing.

How Being a People-Pleaser is Different than Being Kind

People-pleasing is a collection of thoughts and behaviors that puts others’ needs, wants, & beliefs above your own, no matter what it costs you. Whether you are trying to earn acceptance, approval, or keep the peace, you feel a strong urge to put others’ needs and wants above your own.

With this in mind, know that people-pleasing isn’t the same thing as choosing to help someone. When you are people-pleasing, you feel like you don’t have a choice. And you are probably pleasing and appeasing others to keep the peace, earn others’ approval, or feel better about yourself. The important distinction between being kind and people-pleasing is having a choice on when to help others.

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Recognize the Signs of People-Pleasing

In general, I’ve found that people-pleasing falls into different types, such as pleasing, caretaking, and/or peace-keeping. Do you resonate with one of these types, or any of the following 10 signs of people-pleasing?

• Worry about what other people think of you

• Have a hard time saying “no” to others

• Ignore or deny your own needs and feelings

• Give up on your own goals to keep others happy

• Avoid difficult topics or sharing about yourself

• Make choices based on meeting others’ expectations

• Feel like you are responsible for solving others’ problems

• Change who you are in an attempt to get others to like you

• Quick to apologize even when it’s not your problem

• Agree to keep the peace, even when you disagree

Take Stock of the Consequences of People-Pleasing

Hopefully, by now, you are starting to recognize whether or not you struggle with people-pleasing and how it may be impacting your emotional, physical, and relationship health. Three of the most common long-term consequences of people-pleasing are:

1. Resentment & Dissatisfaction in Relationships: Feeling angry, resentful, and overwhelmed by all that you do for others is a classic sign that you are giving more than you are receiving. Or that you are giving in hopes that others will reciprocate, but they don’t. This can lead to unhappiness in your relationships and feeling taken advantage of, even if the other person doesn’t realize how much you are giving up.

2. Burnout & Stress: If you are over-giving to others and tasks more than yourself, you will eventually feel stressed and burned out. This may be experienced by a lack of compassion for others or even extreme fatigue. Our bodies have a way of slowing us down, even if we don’t consciously care for ourselves.

3. Loss of Identity: Lastly, if you have been trying to change yourself to be liked, keep the peace, or make others happy, you eventually won’t know who you are outside of trying to please others.

But you can find yourself again, and learn to care and love yourself as much as you do others! Some of your relationships may need to change, as you realize who respects you has needs, wants, and boundaries, and who doesn’t.

Remember that caring about others and their happiness doesn’t need to jeopardize your own health, happiness, and relationship satisfaction. You can learn to be both kind to yourself and others. To care about others while also caring for yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings after you read and reflect on this article. And if you’d love to go a little deeper, here are journal prompts and heart-nourishing resources on that month’s topic.

Journal Prompts for People-Pleasers

1. How is people-pleasing impacting you, your relationships, and/or your health?

2. Which of the signs of people-pleasing do you resonate with?

3. What is your motivation for saying yes to a request for your time and energy?

4. The next time you say “Yes” to a request, are you saying yes from fear and guilt, OR love and kindness?

5. What commitment are you ready to make to yourself?

Heart-Nourishing Resources for People-Pleasers:

I’ll be back in a few weeks to share 10 strategies to help you people-please less. Until then, here are some resources I have to help you care for yourself as much as you care about others:

• Learn to Ask for What You Need Too: Start speaking up for what you need with my free guide, The Art of Request.

• Learn to Set & Hold Healthy Boundaries: Get my Healthy Boundaries kit, and learn how having boundaries is different than telling others what to do.

• Get Personalized Support: I offer individual therapy for people-pleasers for anyone who lives in Missouri. Learn more here.

I hope you find one of these prompts or resources empowering!

Do you feel like an emotional sponge? If you absorb others’ emotions around you or in the collective, you may struggle to determine what is yours and what belongs to others. Leaving you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, while trying to process what doesn’t belong to you.

So, how do you stay connected to others without overprotecting yourself? Many teachers would advise you to invest in protective jewelry or create energetic shields. These may be helpful to some, but they may leave you feeling disempowered by your sensitivities.

To feel empowered and connected, learn what to shift to support your health, well-being, and relationships. In this article, we will explore the difference between empathy and compassion, the signs of empathic overload, and ways to prevent getting taken out by your empathic parts.

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Explore the Different Meanings of Empath

First, let’s unpack the meaning and definition of empathy and the related terms:

1. Empathy is the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary)

2. An empath feels the other person’s pain and/or emotions in their own body.

3. Compassion is offering understanding and kindness to the person experiencing suffering (including ourselves).

4. The empathic part is the part of you with the greatest access to empathy for others.

5. The Self is the core of who we are as human beings. Self has access to compassion and other healing qualities. (Watch a 3-minute video to learn more about Self from Dr. Richard Swartz, the Founder of IFS, Internal Family Systems)

When I last wrote on emotional boundaries for empaths, I conceptualized being an empath as describing the whole person. After experiencing empathic overload several times this year and witnessing others’ experiences with their empathic parts, it became clear that my thinking had to catch up to my lived experience. That is, many experience empathy through an empathic part of themselves. And this part can eclipse and overshadow our access to compassion for ourselves and others.

Understand Empathic Overload

At the same time, I wouldn’t want to be in a world without empathy, or the ability to sense what it would be like for someone else in a different situation. If you have an empathic part, it’s one of the parts that helps you connect with others.

On the other hand, the empathic part of us can become overloaded when witnessing others’ pain and suffering. Empathic overload is real, and it can feel like you’ve absorbed others’ emotions or pain into your system. When you are in empathic distress, you may have trouble sleeping and eating, experience exhaustion, an exacerbation of physical symptoms, the desire to socially isolate, and more. Have you experienced this before?

Learn to Become a Compassionate Witness

You don’t have to live in fear of having empathic and/or merging parts, because you can learn how to access compassion. Our empathic parts usually stir are fixer parts, and we want to act to calm the other person (or ourselves).

When we let the empathic part cue us that someone is hurting, we can lean back and access compassion for others’ suffering. In doing so, we stay in our body and the other in their body.

For example, I feel compassion in my heart center, so putting a hand on my heart is a compassionate gesture that helps me connect to myself while witnessing others’ pain. Over time, not merging or fixing others leads to less holding and processing others’ pain within our own bodies and systems.

Extending compassion to someone is more healing than fixing their feelings. Verbally, compassion can look like letting someone know you see, hear, and witness their pain. Meeting them exactly where they are at without trying to get them to be or do something different.

10 Self-Care Ideas to Prevent Empathic Overload

If you find it challenging to extend compassion, several parts may be eclipsing your access to compassion. Or you may be experiencing empathic overload or distress. Either way, here are some of my favorite self-care practices to help you reverse or prevent burnout and empathic overload. Use them as prevention, or when you feel like you’ve merged with others and lost yourself.

1. Reflect in Your Journal: Writing down what you are feeling and experiencing can help you sort out what is yours and what belongs to someone else. (Read this article for ideas on starting a journaling practice.)

2. Practice Spacious Silence: Leave open time in your calendar, so you have space to process and digest your day. We are constantly interacting, doing, and consuming more. Titrate up how much silence you can tolerate. One of my favorite places to do this is in my car or a candlelit bathtub.

3. Explore Intuitive Movement: Trust and listen to your body. Does your body want to move vigorously or gently? Then, move with intention. If you feel too full of others' emotions and/or problems, shake or move in a way that lets the emotion or energy move through you (instead of staying stagnant in you).

4. Make Humming Noises: Vibrating your lips, mouth, and face helps move the energy and relaxes your nervous system. Try humming “mmmmm” or “hmmmm” and notice how your body responds.

5. Use Soothing Touch: Offer a soothing touch to your arms, face, chest, or legs. Doing so lets your system know you are here to tend to and befriend it, even when you’re in distress.

6. Create Something: Make something you enjoy - art, photography, cooking, crafting, sewing, woodworking, writing, etc. And make it just for you!

7. Engage a Spiritual Practice: Connect with what helps you remember hope, joy, and/or love. Find a spiritual community that feels nourishing to you. Light a candle. Say a blessing to others. Listen to uplifting music. Contemplate what you’re grateful for today.

8. Be in Nature: Spending time in nature can be soothing, grounding, and awe-inspiring. Take your shoes off and put your feet on the ground. Gaze out your window. Lay in the grass. Ask what lessons nature is trying to teach you in this season.

9. Do Energy Clearing: Work with an energy practitioner who teaches you how to do your energy clearing and cultivating. (I recommend Katherine Bird’s QiGong Activation and/or Psychic Protection self-study courses.)

10. Work with a Therapist: If you want to learn more about the different parts of you to relieve the emotional load you carry, find an IFS therapist (or parts work) near you. Parts of you may connect deeply to the pain of others because there is a part of you in pain and trying to get your attention.

You may notice that this isn’t a long list of what not to do. While I believe boundaries are important for all of us, I also know that increasing our capacity to be with and process our emotions, thoughts, sensations, and wounds helps us in many ways. In my lived experience, focusing on caring for myself and expanding my capacity helps me communicate more clearly, access my intuition, connect with others easily, and retain energy for myself.

To all the deep feelers out there, I’d love to hear how this article lands for you. Please share your thoughts, experiences, and questions below.