“I feel like I’m always changing myself depending on who I’m around. With one group I act one way, with another group I act completely differently, and sometimes I don’t know who I actually am. Is this normal? How do I figure out what parts of me are real?”

One of the greatest things, I think, about being human is that we are sponges, a mosaic of everyone and everything we have ever loved. I carry with me every friend I have ever had, every character from a book or TV show I have idolized, every song that has seeped into my bones.

It’s okay if certain people bring out certain sides of yourself. Humans have many facets and contain multitudes.

I am someone that people would consider introverted, sensitive, and calm. I have noticed that even my friends who are super energetic tend to mellow out around me, especially when we are having one-on-one conversations. This has never bothered me, and I like being the person that people can come to when they need a moment of peace.

Even though most people would describe me as calm, when I am with my hometown friends or my family, I am more energetic and bubbly, just because that is our dynamic. If certain people naturally bring out different sides of your personality, that is totally normal.

However, if it is something strained, for example, you notice yourself changing your core preferences to fit in with the people around you, and it’s not something you are doing intuitively, that could be a cause for concern.

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In elementary school, I got bullied really badly, and in 2nd grade, I had absolutely no friends. I remember going home on the last day of school, too scared to ask anyone to sign my yearbook. I came home and was able to keep my feelings all bottled up until my mom, that night, went into my room to say goodnight, and I burst into tears.

After that, I thought the key to making friends was to be agreeable. I was scared to have preferences. In anything. I couldn’t answer the question—what’s your favorite song? Or what’s your favorite movie? Because I was scared that someone was going to make fun of my responses.

Even when I was the “agreeable” one, I still didn’t really make any meaningful friendships. It felt hollow because nobody really knew me, and everyone felt like I was keeping them at arm’s length.

A real friendship shouldn’t feel like a soundboard, where your opinions and preferences are discarded or ignored so the other person can receive constant validation about themself. Because I had pushed my preferences down for so long, I had to start over. I had to rediscover myself, my likes, my dislikes.

I have found that the best way to discover who you are is to spend quality time alone. Go on solo outings. What do you want to do? What do you want to order at the coffee shop? Journaling is also something that really helped me when I was trying to figure out who I was. Every morning, I would wake up, and before doing anything else, before scrolling on social media, I would just write whatever I was thinking. What do you write about before seeing anything else? Before being influenced? Trend cycles and social media make it seem like everyone likes the same things, that there is no room for everything else. It’s totally okay if you like the same things that other people like. It’s also okay if that is not the case! People are fluid, and every day, I learn more about myself, like things I used to hate, and vice versa.

The truth is, deep down, the real you is waiting to come out. It just takes a little patience, kindness, and trust in yourself to bring her out and make her visible to everyone else. I believe in you!

Xoxo,

thought daughter

(P.S leave some advice in the comments! How have you discovered who you are?)

“I’m exhausted all the time, but I feel guilty whenever I rest. I have school, extracurriculars, family expectations, and personal goals, and I feel like if I slow down, I’ll fall behind.”

This really hit home for me. I have diagnosed generalized and social anxiety, and it constantly makes me feel like I am always falling behind. It’s hard when your own mind works against you, whispering lies.

The ironic thing is that if I had been friends with myself, I would have thought I was doing enough. In high school, I was doing it all. I was on the cross country team. I was working. I was taking all of the AP classes, I was the president of two clubs, and I was consuming multiple energy drinks a day just to function.

I thought that rest was a sign of weakness, that it needed to be earned through hard work. I would feel guilty for slowing down because my parents worked so hard, and my grandparents worked so hard to give me this life.

The hard part is that I wasn’t doing any of these things for me. I did it because I thought it would help my image, help my résumé, and help me portray this “perfect,” curated girl. I wanted colleges and my peers to think that I had it all.

In my junior year, I reached a breaking point. I took a math class that I knew I shouldn’t have. Math is a subject that I have always found challenging, and instead of taking the hardest version of the class, I should have trusted my gut and taken the easier option. I let people who didn’t know me, didn’t understand my circumstances, or my anxiety determine my life.

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I burned out. I would have breakdowns doing my homework and panic attacks before the tests. I ended the class with a C, and while everyone thought my future was over, I was actually proud. I swore that I wouldn’t overfill my plate again and that I would be intentional with the things I was choosing to occupy my time with.

The next year, I chose not to take a math class. I had technically fulfilled my math requirement with the previous class, so I wasn’t required to take math by my school. For the first time in my life, I made a choice that didn’t help my image, that went against what everyone was telling me. I wanted to use the time that would have consisted of studying to give me space to relax and recharge.

It ended up being the best decision I could have ever made. Trusting your gut and not overloading yourself with work is how you can do the things that you love and show up for the people that you love.

To the girls struggling with burnout,

I have that voice too. The one that tells me that if I don’t do this thing right now, everything is over.

It’s. Not. True.

I wish someone would have told me that the voice saying that is lying to you.

Rest is mandatory.

And if you are having the thought of “Am I doing enough?” then you are not unmotivated or lazy.

Now that I am in college, I do activities not for the sake of “looking good” but because I am passionate about them. I remind myself that I have so much time. Not everything needs to be done right away.

If you don’t have lots of time to spend on your personal goals, I recommend starting small and being okay with tweaking it over time.

I wanted to start a Substack. But I was busy. I didn’t have the time to spend hours writing. So I would start small. I wrote for 10 minutes before I went to bed. After doing that for about a week, I had enough thoughts to make an article. Old me would have wanted to wait until my first post was perfect to post. I post every other week, and sometimes things are messy and sometimes I forget a period and sometimes I write a run-on sentence (like now). And it’s okay. Messy imperfections are what make us human and real.

xoxo,

thought daughter

In my mind, once someone died, it was over. That was it.

But having material possessions makes the grieving process that much harder. Every shirt, every spoon, is a reminder of him.

There is just so much to look through, so many things to figure out, but by far the biggest one is his house.

​What happens to it?

​My cousin has been living in the house for about a year now, paying what she is able.

I’ve learned so many new words this week. Homestead. Property taxes. Portability. Prices are going up on the house, and I don’t think that she will be able to afford to stay.

​I thought that everyone in my family would try to figure something out to keep the house, but the consensus is that it should be sold.

​According to my aunt, the house has “nothing but bad memories.” It is where Nonna got sick. It’s where Nonno had his stroke. In her mind, it was the backdrop for everything that went wrong.

​I disagree.

​When my Nonna got sick, we would stay there constantly. Every 9 weeks, we would drive down and stay for 2-3 weeks at a time, and even when she passed, that tradition never really went away.

​Christmas. New Year’s. Summers. I have seen that house in every season. And before my nonno had a stroke, he made the house so alive.

​He would feed the ducks outside stale pieces of bread every day and sit in his garage with the door open, talking to whoever was walking by. He would spend hours outside growing everything and anything. He would grow palm trees from coconuts and massive cucuzza from seeds.

​I would watch him carve wood in the garage, us sitting in silence. He was good at that, at not pressuring me to speak like everyone else did when I was younger.

​I remember early dinners, watching him stir the pot of pasta, or simmering the tomatoes he picked that day over the stove.

​I remember meals full of love and laughter, and eating until your stomach hurts. After everyone invited to dinner had gone home, we would all go on the couch and watch western movies (well… they would watch, and I would fall asleep).

​A lot of my memories from that house aren’t even about him. It’s the place where my brother and I really connected for the first time, sharing a room and spending every night talking with each other, having what we would call “deep conversations,” where we would play kiss, marry, kill, 20 questions, and just really update each other on our lives. The room had two twin beds, and when we were good with each other, we would push them together; when we were mad at each other, I would pull them apart, needing “space” in a 200-ft room.

​We played our first video game together there, Zelda. When we beat the final boss, we ran around the house screaming, forgetting that it was night and that nonno was sleeping. When he woke up, he was so confused…

​There was a sand volleyball court about a 10-minute walk away, with a playground. He and I would go there, even though we had no ball, and we filled a plastic water bottle with sand and would throw it back and forth over the net. That year, we got a real volleyball for Christmas, and we would spend hours playing.

​Growing up, every time we would go, I would dread it. But it wasn’t about the house or my nonno. It was because of other things. The social elements, meeting so many people and being expected to bare my soul to them because we were “family”, my mean cousins, unfamiliar environments.

​I would tell my parents that I didn’t like it because it was “boring”. But that’s not the truth. It was because in the house, it was just me, my family, and my thoughts. There were no distractions from myself, from who I was. And that was scary.

​Now, I am actually grateful. The house provided me with an escape where time was frozen. Time to think, time to process and reflect when I needed it most.

​

I’m going to miss it, miss him, miss who I was.

xoxo, thought daughter

The truth is, his soul hasn’t been there for a long time, and now his body has caught up. He is gone.

Having Alzheimer’s is like your soul being tugged between two planes, the living and the dead.

The more we pulled, the more he slipped away. I watched as he went from the man who could whittle and carve wood into delicate ships, who had the most impressive garden, who could cook better than anyone, who would go on walks and play scopa, to someone who couldn’t recognize me and couldn’t do any of the things he loved.

The good days felt like false hope. It would never stay for long.

Do you think that when a certain number of people close to you die, you feel an instinctual pull to join them?

I’m sure he is happier now, with nonna and his brothers and his entire family, but it just fucking sucks to be the one left behind. Do you think he felt left behind?

At the wake, there were so many people that I had never seen before, people who didn’t even know him, had never met him, crying.

They don’t deserve to. I watched as his daughter comforted others.

The entire wake, I didn’t go up to his body once. I couldn’t. I sat in a chair facing away from the casket, toward a slideshow filled with pictures of him. I watched him age, going from brown hair to gray, from a face unblemished to one filled with smile lines. I watched as he met the love of his life, pictures from their wedding and honeymoon. Bright. I watched as she faded from all the pictures, as cancer made her dull, and then she was gone altogether.

I watched it over and over again for 3 hours. 90 years of life shown to me in 5 minutes.

I hate the idea of becoming a shell of who I once was. Maybe that is why I feel the urge to write every moment down. So I won’t ever forget.

Last summer, I went to Italy, and I felt so close to the person he was before the stroke, and my nonna. So many of the things they did just made more sense to me. They lived slow, intentional lives, and I felt my nonna everywhere.

I went to my first Mass in years because I knew she would have wanted me to. I felt her.

Maybe when you die, your spirit returns to the things you love and leaves little messages to the people who need it most.

xoxo,

thought daughter

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Hi, everyone!! Thank you so much for 300+ subscribers! It means so much to me that people feel heard and can relate to my writing, because that is the whole reason why I do it!

One of my favorite things about writing is that once you go through the catharsis of writing everything down, speaking your truth, and accepting your feelings, you can finally begin to move on and heal.

In a recent post, I shared how I was feeling really out of body in my hometown. I wanted to share some of the things I have done, or am planning to do, that have been helping me heal my relationship with my hometown. Some of these activities I have already started, and others I am planning to do, and I will share updates throughout the summer so we can do them together! I have organized them into three sections: Mind, Body, and Creativity.

​

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Mind

• Reading challenging, thought-provoking books: I LOVE, LOVE to read. Growing up, it was the best escape from my hometown ever because for hours on end, I could be transported to magical worlds, full of adventure, mystery, intrigue, suspense, and romance. It was like I could live 100 lives without leaving my room. During the school year, it’s hard for me personally to have the mental bandwidth to read books that are more challenging, that force me to grow as a reader and a person. Don’t get me wrong, I love romance, and I am not a book elitist AT ALL. Any reading is good reading, but this summer, I have wanted to challenge myself and push myself out of my comfort zone. So, I have been trying to read more genres of books and in different styles. So far, I have read East of Eden, The Odyssey, and The Iliad, and it was fun to sort of challenge myself with a book that I had to really sink my teeth into, and maybe read a page multiple times for comprehension. If anyone has book recs, let me know! We can read something altogether.

  

• The artist’s way: I haven’t read the actual book, but I know a lot of writers in my personal life, and on Substack, who swear by morning pages. Just a stream of consciousness, the second you open your eyes. I’m not going to lie, I was more consistent before I started work, but I am determined to get back into it this week. I don’t really follow the whole 3-5 pages rule; I just write whatever comes to mind when I open my eyes for 5 minutes minimum. Eventually, I do want to read the book and try to fully do the challenge!

• Meditation: I have been on a consistent yoga kick, and whenever I finish a yoga flow, I do 5 minutes of meditation to recenter my mind. I am currently trying to incorporate meditation into my before-bed routine, so I will update everyone at the end of the summer to see if this has changed my mindset!

• Being outside: Being outside in the sunshine, in nature, makes everything better! I have been reading outside for 30 minutes a day in my backyard, and doing sunset walks, and it’s been really nice.

Body

• Rediscovering your love for a childhood sport: I feel like this is something that has become really trendy on social media, like people who did ballet as a kid, doing ballet again as an adult. But I don’t know about you guys, but I never did ballet. I was in Taekwondo and Volleyball as a kid, and recently, some of my friends and I have been playing volleyball on the local sand courts at night. It’s been really fun, and I forgot how much I loved it!

• YOGA: One of my goals for this year is to get my yoga teaching certification, and I am determined. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do yoga consistently before I registered for the 200-hour teaching certification, and I was doing it really consistently before I started working. I also really want to master my headstand before I go back to school. I need to take the plunge and just register for the class. Even though it is expensive, I know that I will make the money back in the long run. I need another job while I am at school that pays well, and this could be it! I am going to be documenting my entire yoga journey, and I could not be more excited. I just need to take a leap of faith

  

• Paddleboarding: I go to school right by the beach, and it is probably what I miss the most when I am home. I have been going paddleboarding every weekend, on a lake nearby, and while it’s not the same as being on the ocean, any body of water makes me feel so relaxed.

  

Creativity

• Painting my nails: I have been having so much fun with this one! When I was younger, my parents did not allow me to paint my nails, and now that I can, I love doing little designs, or painting one hand one color and the other hand a different color. I have the time now that it’s summer to be really intentional and slow, and make each finger perfect, which is nice.

  

• Cartoons and Drawings: I have been watching some of my childhood favorite cartoons, and drawing the characters while I watch! It has been really nice to get practice with drawing again, and it’s fun to draw things in a different style than what you are used to! The picture below is some of my drawings from Phineas and Ferb.

  

• Painting: I am trying to get back into painting! I found some old paints in my room, and I spent this weekend trying to revive them. I think they are now usable, so I am going to try to paint something this week! I will update you guys on my progress.

• Diy shirts:

  In the next couple of weeks, I am going to try two crafts that involve clothing. I want to do the bleach-painted shirts, and sew designs onto blank t-shirts and sweatshirts.

  

xoxo,

thought daughter!

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And I have been trying to play that game for months. I tell all of my friends that her issues with me are one-sided, that I have forgiven her, and that I wish her nothing but the best. I try to be what everyone expects of me. I try to be a nice girl. The girl who is a good friend, caring, considerate, gentle, kind, and smart. Unaffected. Righteous.​

But it’s all a lie. I constantly doubt myself. I replay the final conversation we had with each other, and try to figure out how I could have said it in a different way. If things would have been different, if I had done it when I had a more level head.

I seek validation constantly, to reassure myself that I made the right decision. Because I am the “smart one,” everyone complies. They all hate her, too. What a coincidence, I think. I wonder then if I am next, if everyone I am friends with secretly thinks I am annoying, and loud, and that I have a laugh that sounds like a witch. I claim to be a good friend, but I laugh and say awful things about her, along with everyone else.

Afterwards, I feel sick. I wonder if I was justified in my anger, or just lashing out because of grief and hurt.

I think about my friendship breakups in the past, how they were mainly initiated by me, and how nobody ever seems to be good enough. Are my standards for friends too high? I think I just want to be friends with myself.

Someone who will ride for her friends, die for her friends, drop everything she is doing to help them. Someone who remembers every birthday, every anniversary, every conversation.

Then I realize what I really want is to be someone’s first choice, and I get depressed all over again, because even when I am trying to be a good friend, I am being selfish; I am being a good friend so that I can be the person that somebody can depend on. Because if you are needed, then you will never be replaced.

I think about high school. How I only had two friends, and how everyone at the school thought of me as an extension of one of them, that every time someone would come up to me in high school, it was just to ask about her, or where she was, or what she was doing.

At first, I was flattered. I thought it proved that we were best friends, because I knew her schedule intimately and knew things about her life that other people didn’t, which is why they would seek me out.

​Later, I realized the truth, which was that nobody had anything else to say to me. I was not seen as my own person, but as an accessory of hers.

​

And then I think about the present. How the girl I thought would be a bridesmaid at my wedding never texted me once to see how I was doing at my nonno’s funeral, how she ignored me for weeks, how she betrayed my trust on the day of his death… and I feel like she was never my friend to begin with.

​Maybe I projected what I thought was a friendship with her was really just a soundboard. She never really gave me advice, didn’t know anything real about me, and I just let her talk about herself and her issues constantly until I snapped. But also maybe that was my fault, because I didn’t really let her in, or anyone.

​Maybe being the therapist friend, the “nice” girl, is just a way for me to feel needed in relationships without putting anything in. Because if they don’t know you, then you have nothing to lose. But then why does this hurt? Because she is just fine without you, and doesn’t need you.

​

To the girl who’s struggling with a friendship breakup,

​It can be really easy to blame the other person, to be the righteous one. I did. I do (partly), but it’s harder to look at yourself and realize that you played a role in it too. I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know how to put a positive spin on this one. Maybe the best thing to do is just to let it all out.

Word vomit, cry, eat ice cream, complain, be human, and after a significant wallowing period, be open to new friendships.

xoxo,

thought daughter

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Hi everyone!!! I am in the process of revamping and reorganizing my Substack, and I wanted to share a few things about myself since there are so many new people here! I also want to get to know all of you, so please leave a comment at the bottom of this post that tells me about yourself and your writing so I can read some of your work and subscribe to you guys!

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​Fun Facts:

• I am going into my junior year in college, and my majors are political science and international studies, with minors in French and communications.

  • I want to try to incorporate some elements of my majors here in some way, but I’m not sure how yet…

• My favorite color is purple (if you hadn’t already guessed by my substack, hehe)

• I am a Pisces

  • I go to school by the beach, and I feel the best when I am by some body of water, like a pond, lake or ocean ( I think it’s because of my Pisces-ness)

    

• I love to write! I have been keeping a diary since I was a kid, and I also love to read!

  • My favorite books growing up were the Land of Stories series, and Percy Jackson, and I was also really into classic fiction, like Around the World in 80 Days, Emma, etc.

  • My all-time favorite book is Alice in Wonderland.

  • I’m currently reading the Odyssey!

• I love cards! I play solitaire probably every day, but my favorite card game in the world is nertz. It’s kind of like a group solitaire competition-style game. Each player needs their own deck, and I have collected lots of cool decks so we can tell them apart when we play.

  

• I love sitcoms! My all-time favorite is Friends, but honorable mentions to The Big Bang Theory, Community, Schitt’s Creek, and Brooklyn 99

• I also like anime!

  • My top 3 are probably Fruits Basket, Nana, Tokyo Revengers, mob psycho, My Hero Academia

  • I just finished Mob Psycho, and I need something to watch, so if you have recs, please give me some

• I love to travel! My dream is to be in some kind of career where I make lots of money, can help people, and travel all over the world.

  • My first time traveling outside of my home country was last year, and I went to Italy for a study abroad experience with my school! This was my favorite piece that I wrote there:

• I have been diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety (if you’re an anxious girly, welcome)

• I listen to a lot of music→ My favorite artists right now are probably Olivia Rodrigo, Gracie Abrams, SZA, Tate McRae, and Bella Kay

  • Iloveitiloveit- bella kay

  • The cure- Olivia Rodrigo

  • In my room-Julia Wolf

• I spent 4 years working as a juice barista/smoothie maker, so I am really good at making smoothies and acai bowls! I am a big stress baker as well.

• I am in the process of getting my 200 hr yoga certification, so that I can teach→ this is something I am really excited about, and I can definitely share more about this journey if anyone is interested!

Thank you so much for the love on my artwork, and on my recent post: To the girls going back to their hometown for the summer. I am so happy that it resonated with so many people, because I wrote it when I was feeling really isolated, and it’s nice to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling that way. If you haven’t read it, I definitely recommend!

I am working on a friendship-themed post that will hopefully be going up soon, so get excited for that!

​

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Xoxo,

Thought daughter

Being back home makes my skin break out. I don’t know why. I am back in my hometown for the summer, and because my college stuff was taking over the whole house, my parents forced me to clean my room. Instantly, I felt like a child again, grumbling under my breath about how it was unfair, throwing things under my bed instead of putting them where they belonged, when I found a box filled with old journals, every childhood thought meticulously written down since the age of 7.

I took a break from “cleaning” and started reading.

It was like I was looking at a foreign version of myself in the mirror. Who is she? Have I lost myself? Or have I just grown up?

It’s strange, but one of my foundational core memories has always been wanting to leave my hometown and have a grand, big adventure. I would sneak out of my room and stare at the moon, wishing I could fly off and go to Neverland with Tinkerbell, be anywhere but here. I have always been a dreamer, I guess.

My room is a museum of everyone I have ever loved, and most of those people are not in my life anymore.

Pictures of my childhood best friend sit in a metal frame with the words “best friends forever” inscribed on the top (what a lie). The time capsule under my bed with a letter she wrote, which I am too scared to open. My Nonna’s silver rose glasses chain is pinned up to the wall, above that, a picture of me as a child in a handmade wooden sun frame, made by my Nonno.

Stuffed animals sit on the shelves from “friends” I haven’t spoken to in months.

​

A quote from Harry Potter is painted above my bed, and it says, “Working hard is important, but there is something that matters even more: believing in yourself”. I haven’t read Harry Potter in years, since JK Rowling became evil incarnate, and I can’t remember a time, in my childhood or now, when I have felt truly confident in myself for more than a second. The quote mocks me.

to the girls going back to their hometown for the summer,

It’s never too late to reconnect with your younger self. Do something to make her proud.

xoxo,

thought daughter

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HI EVERYONE!!! I am now posting on Mondays! Just until school is over, so I have more time to write on the weekends. I missed writing these, and honestly had a great time reading and doing activities in March that I wanted to share!

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READING

• Why Fish Don’t Exist: This book started out really strong, but I didn’t really understand the message by the end of the book, unfortunately. I did like it, though, and it’s definitely got me more interested in science. I had a phase where I asked everyone I met what their favorite fish was, and this book caused me to re-enter that phase. Now, when they answer, I get to explain to them how fish aren’t a real category of animal (SPOILER)!

• The Two of Us: Another okay read, to be honest. It wasn’t great, but it made me think of my best friend, which made me like it, and I became really emotional and spiraled out of control. After finishing this book, I sat on a windowsill, pondering life while eating an uncut cucumber and cheddar cheese slices, and fully engaging in existential thought. So, I guess it was a good read because it made me think.

• Wuthering Heights: I decided to read this because of all of the controversy surrounding the movie, honestly. Everything that has ever been said about this book is a lie. IT’S NOT A ROMANCE. I wouldn’t even consider it romantic at all. Reading this was like watching a trainwreck. I was disgusted, and I just could not look away. It’s an amazing book, but it made me want to scream all the time.

EATING

• I went to Paris this month! Sooooo I had just so much yummy food. I have included some pictures here for you guys to salivate over.

PLAYING

• I have been playing a lot of Block Blast! Since I deleted TikTok and Instagram from my phone, I needed something to do on my phone so that when everyone else is doomscrolling, I can look busy. I have become obsessed, though, and my high score is 270165, which is kind of insane. I think I need to find a more mentally stimulating replacement, though, that makes me less rage-y.

OBSESSING

• I have been having some issues falling asleep, so to help me not overthink as much at nighttime, I have been watching old Barbie movies to lull me to sleep! So far, I have seen Fashion Fairytale, Fairy Secret, and Swan Lake.

RECOMMENDING

• I recently had a pretty hard conversation with a friend about how she needs to expand the media she consumes. It is not good to only consume white media. Branch out! Whether it’s listening to more Afrobeats, reading books written by more POC authors, or watching movies with diverse directors, it’s important to broaden your horizons. I wrote an article I really love last week about something similar, so you should check it out!

TREATING

• Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joes

last year’s post

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1. Don’t let other people’s opinions about your life change your dreams.

2. Failure is redirection

3. Discipline is important; nothing matters more than keeping promises you made to yourself

4. Hating yourself is exhausting. So try not to

5. Travel heals the soul

6. Dance it out

7. Confrontation is how you keep and maintain your friendships

8. If a man is the president and cofounder of a frat, then he is a whore

9. Obsessing over something doesn’t make it happen faster

10. It’s okay if you don’t move at the same pace as someone else. You have your own unique timeline

11. Exercise is good for the mind

12. Therapy will only take you halfway. You have to actually do what they are telling you to do to see a difference

13. Things always work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, then it’s not the end.

14. The simplest answer is usually the right one

15. It’s okay to be bad at things!

16. Learn to laugh at yourself

17. The only way to network and make connections professionally is to speak

18. Actually watch, read, or listen to things that people recommend to you. It’s normally for a reason.

19. Appreciate the beauty in everything

20. The universe is sending you signs. Listen to them!

All my life, I have felt like I have never “fit” in with them. They are extremely extroverted and can make friends with anybody, a cashier at the grocery store, the person behind them in line, anyone. They can tell such a good story, one where everyone is mesmerized. Dinner consists of many people talking over each other, where a story is being told, and then another person cuts you off, and then everyone is like “NOO let BOB finish their story.” '

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​And at times, it’s so fun, because they make everything fun. They light up every room they walk into because of their presence. When you have their attention, it feels so amazing, because captivating someone like that means what you are saying is important, that it matters.

​At the same time, it can make you doubt yourself and your personality. As someone with diagnosed social anxiety, large group interactions have always been hard for me, and seeing people be so comfortable socially in virtually any setting makes me feel inadequate. They are charismatic, and people are drawn to them in a way I have never experienced.

​The advice I was always given was just to “fake it till you make it”. Pretend to be confident. Act. Pretend to be someone else, someone more confident, more social, and then you magically become them. This might be good advice for some, but not for me.

I am so, so sick of pretending, of trying to be somebody I’m not.

​You don’t have to mimic anyone else gain confidence. Real confidence can come from embracing your differences and understanding that you’re uniquely you: one in a million. Everyone faces their own challenges, even if they don’t show it. What’s difficult for you might be easy for them, and vice versa.

I remind myself that there is power in silence and strength in forming deeper, one-on-one connections. There’s no need to copy anyone else. While I’ll still work on building my confidence and public speaking skills, I’m done obsessing over being someone I’m not. Pretending only breeds jealousy and comparison, making you focus on the ways you don’t measure up. In the end, trying to “fix” yourself by becoming someone else just makes you lose sight of who you really are.​

To the quiet girls in a loud family,

I’m done trying to change myself, and I hope you are too.

• Writing and journaling: I have gotten into a good routine that has allowed me to actually write while at school! I have been really liking my Substack work recently!

  • Check my other posts out!

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• Hosting movie nights: it’s been so cold here, so instead of going out, we have been having fun cozy nights in watching movies every Saturday, and I honestly love it! Having everyone over and reacting to crazy moments in the show has been such a girlhood moment

  • current favs: Big Bang Theory + Bridgerton + Heated Rivalry + Attack on Titan

• Art Museums: I have had to go to Art Museums a lot this semester for classes and ended up really enjoying it, just walking around, reflecting, and being present. Here is a picture I took!

  

• Skincare Routine: I have been really consistent with my skincare for the past two months, and it has been working nicely. I wash my face with the CeraVe hydrating cleanser, then I use the Topicals Brightening Serum on my dark spots and follow up with Laroche Posay moisturizer!

• Handwritten Notes: I used to mainly type my notes, and I still do in certain classes, but I have been handwriting the majority of my notes this semester. I think it’s fun and helps me retain information better. I love the campus notebooks because they lie completely flat, and the pages have a nice texture.

  

• Headbands: I AM OBSESSED. I have been loving them with my curly hair. I’m talking like right before I wash big curls. I had an academic competition last weekend (substack post coming soon), and I wore a white, thick headband that complemented my suit and got so many compliments

  

• Gossiping: gossiping with your close friends is fun, sorry. Like i wann kiki and talk about who is fucking who in what club

• Bananagrams: it’s like Scrabble but better because you don’t have to keep score. My roommate is literally a god at this game, but I am going to beat her before the year is over, mark my words…

If you made it to the end, comment a banana emoji!

​

I am a Valentine’s Day hater (honestly) and do believe that it is a corporate marketing scam developed by the card companies (though maybe this is because I have never had a Valentine on Valentine’s Day…but I digress). I was going to write an entire Valentines day hate post, but I decided not to spread hate, because there is more than enough hate without me adding my anti Valentines Day disdain to the fire. Instead, I thought it would be cool to share some other cultures’ Valentine’s Day/love-inspired traditions! Enjoy!

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Finland- Ystävänpäivä

​

Instead of celebrating significant others, in Finland, Ystävänpäivä is a day all about friendships! The holiday started in the 1980’s, and was officially added to the Finnish calendar in 1996. It’s customary to give your friends small gifts and do activities like brunch, skating, or bowling.

​South Africa

In South Africa, valentines day is celebrated on February 15th, in honor of the Roman festival Lupercalia. They literally wear their hearts on their sleeve, writing the names of important people in their lives on a heart-shaped card and pinning it to their sleeves.​

South Korea

In South Korea, Valentine’s Day is celebrated with a twist. On February 14th, only women give gifts to men. Men don’t give gifts to their partners until 1 month later, on White Day. On White Day, men are supposed to respond and reciprocate to the gifts and love they received from women. Many use the day as an opportunity to confess their feelings! If you’re single, don’t worry, you get a holiday too! On April 14th, people who did not get gifts on white or valentines day wear black and gather to eat jajangmyeon (noodles with black bean sauce) to celebrate being single (should I celebrate this year).​

Italy- Verona

Verona is where Romeo and Juliet lived, so the city loves love. There is a festival that goes from February 9-14, which is full of romance-related traditions, like the “Bacio Lingo un Minuto,” where couples gather for a minute-long kiss and are then covered in red confetti. There is a giant red heart painted in the center of the square!

Argentina- Semana de la Dulzura and Día de los Enamorados

Semana de la Dulzura (sweetness week) takes place the first week of July, and is when people exchange candies for kisses! Dia de los Enamorados is September 21, and is known as Lovers Day, and is popular for the exchanging of romantic gestures.

​I did it again. I fell in love with someone who 100% does not like me back, who is with someone else ( I think, though social media stalking hasn’t revealed anything yet) (update he does have a girlfriend FML) though maybe that is better than the alternative, of him being single and just not wanting me verses being in a relationship the whole time? I don’t know.

​He brought her up so casually, like he was talking about the weather or what he ate for dinner yesterday. Ugh. I just feel so stupid and jilted. I am mad at my friends who were feeding into my delusions of grandeur and mad at myself for being so, so stupid, replaying conversations with him back in my head, looking back on how naive I was.

​Why is it that nobody seems to like me back? Ever.

​I am always the friend, the therapist, the person you call when you are throwing up, the person you call when shit is hitting the fan. I am not the girl who gets to witness the good moments, the girl who is in the spotlight. Then, the second the bad times are over, everyone forgets you exist, the second you are no longer needed to solve a problem. Being a therapist friend is like being a toolbox; you’re only taken out when things need fixing, and then you are left to rot in a garage for 5 years.

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What hurts the most is that nobody will ever be the therapist for the therapist friend. Whenever the therapist friend gets vulnerable, reveals something deep and personal to her, the second the dynamic shifts, and she is the one asking for advice, suddenly her problems seem insignificant.

​This happened to me just yesterday! All day, I have been a sounding board for my friends’ woes. I listened to her complain about how sore her legs were after the gym, how the cold weather had been upsetting her, and on and on and on… I probably listened to her vent (whine/complain) for probably 30 minutes. We ended up watching Bridgerton together, and after the show was over, I heard a coughing sound coming from the wall that connects to our neighbors.

Something to know about me is that I have a fear of getting sick, and that I am a naturally anxious person. Especially around this time of year, because I compete in an academic competition on valentines day every year. The idea of me getting sick, letting my team down, is something that haunts me.

I start getting visibly anxious and move away from the wall. Even though I know that rationally the germs are not in the room, it’s making me nervous. I ask my friend to distract me. Instead of obliging my ONE request, she decides to go on a rant about how my fear is ridiculous and that I need exposure therapy for sickness, how exposure to other germs actually helps your immune system, that the sick person is not even in our room, so I should honestly just shut up.

​Mind you, this is the same person who 3 DAYS EARLIER told me that she wishes I would be more vulnerable and open with her.

​For the girl who is the therapist friend,

​Protect your peace by maintaining emotional boundaries, and get yourself a real therapist (and maybe new friends). It does wonders.

xoxo, thought daughter

It’s a weirdly intimate thing to live with someone, to be doing rituals and routines that are sacred to you alongside them.

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I am living with new people next year, and I think that when you know something is about to be over, nothing else really matters. That is how it has felt in my dorm. It was like last semester, we kept trying to make things fit to stay exactly where they were. Everyone was mad all the time, and it just came from this place of fear. If we can’t figure this out, how are we supposed to live together forever?

Come April, we’re all splitting up. One girl is living at her sorority house, one girl is studying abroad in Italy, and I am living in my first apartment!?! And my roommate, the girl I share a room with, who I thought I would live with forever, is living with her other friends in a house.

At first, when she told me that she didn’t want to live with me, my first reaction was rage, followed by sadness. What did I do wrong? Why wouldn’t she want to live with me? Why was she picking other friends over me?

She told me while we were eating dinner together, right before I had to go to work. She brought it up so casually, like she was talking about the weather. I analyzed the conversation during my entire 4-hour shift, came home at midnight, saw her, and burst into tears. It just felt like such a monumental thing to me, the end of an era. When she saw me crying, she was confused. She said, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you would be so upset.” In her mind, no aspects of our friendship would change; we were friends not because of something like proximity but because we made conscious choices to learn and care for each other.

But to me, it was like the very nature of our friendship would change. I wouldn’t just know things about her, like that she is in her yogurt bowl phase right now, or that she talks in her sleep, or that she always hugs her stuffed animals before falling asleep. I wouldn’t get to witness the little things anymore.

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For the girl whose roommates are changing,

Change can be scary. I know that more than anyone. But how special is it that for a little bit, even if it wasn’t forever, we got to see things about each other, learn things about each other that nobody else knows. Be a part of each other’s lives, there when someone wakes up in the morning, and the last person your friends see before going to bed. And how special it is to get to learn those things about other people. You get to be seen in a new way.

Love,

Thought daughter

Abstinence and Virtue

Bella’s desire for intimacy with Edward marks one of the only moments in the film where she actively asserts control over her body and choices. She initiates most sexual contact with him. However, Edward repeatedly declines her advances, saying that he could kill her if they had a physical relationship because of his vampire strength. Through a postfeminist lens, this dynamic reinforces the ideal that empowerment through sexual agency must be regulated by male moral authority. Edward’s abstinence is presented as a virtue, making him both the protector and gatekeeper of Bella’s body, connecting to postfeminist ideas about the coexistence of sexual liberation and conservative gender norms.

Conclusion

The predator-prey dynamic between Bella and Edward, the gradual disempowerment of Bella disguised by the supernatural genre, the illusion of choice feminism within the franchise, and the moralized control of her sexuality reveal how Twilight does not just depict an intense love story, but it repackages dominance, dependence, and restriction as desirable and natural. Twilight does this through the vampire genre, proving that this is more than just a stylistic choice, but a narrative tool that conceals the imbalance in Bella and Edward’s relationship. When we recognize how the film frames control as protection and submission as agency, we understand Twilight not as a story about empowerment, but as a postfeminist fantasy that masks female disempowerment behind the aesthetics of supernatural romance.

Next week, we will be back to regular content all about me! and my life! (It’s like every week I have another crash out… HELP)

In Twilight, Edward is painted as both Bella’s savior and her potential demise, embodying a tension between protection and predation. From the start of the film, he is constantly warning her to stay away from him, telling her “Beautiful? I’m a killer Bella. This is the skin of a killer” (Twilight 1:08:45); while simultaneously drawing her in with his allure and mystery. His supernatural nature disguises the power imbalance between the two of them. Behaviors that might seem controlling or threatening, turn into something portrayed as romantic. When he follows her while she is out with her friends, sneaks into her house, and watches her sleep for hours, before they are even in any kind of romantic relationship, the film presents this as devotion rather than unsettling behavior. Edwards emphasizes his physical strength, throwing a tree and saying “As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill… I’ve killed people… I wanted to kill you” (Twilight 1:01:00). The movie reframes fear as desire, and danger as something exotic and passionate. This dynamic makes Bella the literal prey to Edward’s predator; he is a vampire, but within the narrative, the predation is seen as an expression of love. The supernatural genre becomes a metaphor for misogyny and hides the underlying power structure. The behaviors that Edward exhibits, stalking, being possessive, and violent, become excusable because he is a vampire that “can’t help himself” or fight his “animalistic nature”. Through the supernatural framing, Edward’s dominance is aestheticized and seems almost moral, transforming patriarchal control into protection. The predator-prey dynamic is essential to their relationship because it romanticizes unequal power dynamics as inevitable, desirable, and even natural, under the guise of a supernatural love story for young adult audiences.

Bella’s gradual disempowerment throughout the film is disguised through the introduction of the supernatural genre. Before Edward appears onscreen, she is portrayed as intelligent, curious, and quietly confident. She is quick witted in conversations with her father Charlie and friend Jacob. She and Edward even converse for the first time in science class where she impresses him with her knowledge of biology, leading them to win an assignment together (Twilight 0:34:30). She even pieces together the truth of his identity (vampirism) through her own research and reasoning (Twilight 0:55:50). However, once Edward’s identity as a vampire is revealed, Bella’s earlier independence becomes insignificant. Her intelligence, strength, and agency are dwarfed by his. He is seen as smarter because of his age and experience, stronger because of his vampire abilities. Those qualities make him “more qualified” to make choices about her safety and well-being. Bella’s human clumsiness is something mentioned multiple times in the movies. She trips in the greenhouse on a school trip, nearly falls down the stairs in Edward’s house (Twilight 1:05:40), slips on an icy path outside of her house, etc. This character trait is constantly referenced as a form of weakness, and the narrative repeatedly reinforces her dependence on Edward for safety and validation. He saves her multiple times throughout the film, the earliest being about 18 minutes into the movie, when a van slips on ice in the parking lot and almost crashes into her, so Edward shields her with his body and pushes the car out of the way.

In the last 30 minutes of the film, a tracker vampire named James is introduced, who becomes obsessed with Bella’s scent. She has to leave town, and Edward is framed as the only person who can help her because of his experience with other vampires of this nature. This dynamic reflects how the film disguises the loss of female autonomy as romantic destiny. Her transformation from self-sufficient to submissive parallels the way post-feminist media repackages disempowerment as love. Her surrender to Edward is presented as fulfillment, not erasure of herself and her previous identity. The supernatural elements of the film do more than amplify Edward’s power, it justifies it, reframing male dominance as desirable rather than oppressive.

Next week will be my last Twilight post :( ;( everyone be so sad…

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Introduction

Vampires in early myth represented fears of the unknown: of death, the afterlife, and the supernatural. Serving as metaphors for the “other” in society, they showcased the duality of good and evil, religious deviance, gender, and sexuality, thus sparking an interest in pop culture. Over time, as vampires continued to fascinate audiences, they evolved from figures of Eastern European folklore to seductive aristocrats in 19th-century literature. This transformation continued in early vampire films, where vampires appeared as gothic villains; however, by the late 20th century, they became more humanized, as seen in shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Lost. Entering the 21st century, Twilight sparked a vampire renaissance, becoming an instant phenomenon and grossing over $3.6 billion worldwide.

The movies are based on a book of the same name, published in 2005, with influences rooted in postfeminism. Postfeminism has a range of ideas, some associated with maintaining current social advancements, and others focusing on making the movement more inclusive to all. The series centers around a young girl named Bella Swan and her romance with vampire Edward Cullen, in the foggy town of Forks, Washington. I will be using a feminist critique to analyze how Bella is disempowered along gendered lines, and how that contributes to her character development throughout the first film, as it is where her relationship dynamic with Edward is first and most clearly established. Twilight uses its vampire mythology to romanticize unequal power dynamics, presenting Bella’s dependence, loss of agency, and constrained sexuality as empowering “choices” within a problematic postfeminist narrative.

Literature Review

Postfeminism emerged in the late 20th century, characterized by a range of complex and sometimes contradictory ideas. It is often associated with the belief that the major goals of earlier feminist movements have been achieved and that society should now focus on maintaining the social liberties that have been won. At the same time, postfeminism also describes feminists who continue to embrace the label but seek to make the movement more dynamic and inclusive. Banet-Weiser writes that “The media context of postfeminism, combined with the increasing cultural recognition of women and girls as both powerful citizens and consumers, offered what at times looked like a radical gesture in terms of disrupting dominant gender relations” (3). The phrase “Girl Power” and its rhetoric gained immense popularity in the 1990s in North America and Europe, with media such as The Powerpuff Girls, The Spice Girls, and the Women’s Soccer World Cup.

The rise of postfeminism coincides with the concept of the “new vampires.” Pre-1990s, the vampire trope was meant to “explain many sorts of unpredicted and undeserved misfortune that befell humanity” (Singh 3). They were meant to be cautionary tales about the dangers of the outside world. The Count, from the book Dracula, though not the first vampire rendition, is an accurate depiction of the old vampire trope, and is painted as fully wicked and completely irredeemable. “Dracula, for Dracula and for Stoker’s consumers, is the Anti-Christ” (Singh 4). Old vampires are often more connected to traditional vampire folklore- they die through traditional methods, like a stake through the heart, and are affected by a catholic cross. There are no redeeming qualities, unlike the “new” vampire age. “New” vampires, such as Angel in Buffy, Damon and Steffan Salvatore in Vampire Diaries, and Edward in Twilight, are different. The new vampire is more communal. They live with and are related to other vampires. They are social and portrayed more as anti-heroes (Singh). This is likely because postfeminist audiences find it more engaging and are able to sympathize more with the newer vampire form, because they are less “monstrosities” and more like beings with supernatural abilities. They are fantasy rather than horror, with magic and other supernatural elements becoming a more common sub-plot or element in the new vampire genre.

In the 21st century, the “new” vampire genre sparked a vampire resurgence, targeting a teen audience. The modern vampire is presented in connection to a struggling postfeminist world, in which women both want to have the approval of feminism while simultaneously feeling protected. Ananya Mukherjea says, “ We are presented with old-school gentleman-vampires who are, certainly, sensitive and evolved in some ways, but who also offer the security and stability of old-fashioned gentlemen that some readers may now crave” (3). The human in the relationship is always the girlfriend/love interest. The women in these vampire romances want to be both feminine and independent, and the best way for them to achieve that is with a supernatural lover (Mukherjea). A vampire is a part of both the past and the present, able to exhibit the duality of being both vengeful and sensitive, evolved, and protective.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer reshapes the vampire figure into a more realistic, embodied, and psychologically complex character, highlighting the beginning of the “new” vampire genre in the media. The vampires in Buffy are just like humans, both homogeneous and diverse. “The predators are oddly corporeal; embodied as beneficiaries of a health club aesthetic, they are uniformly muscled, trim, and agile. They generally do not appear as mist, shadows, rotting corpses, or animal forms. Rather, they are smartly attired in trendy fashions or campy gothic costumes” (27). Angel, Buffy’s on and off vampire romantic partner of the series, is “tortured” due to his conscience and is a contradiction in the series. Every other vampire lacks empathy and remorse, but Angel feels guilt, making him unique in the series and the first representation of the “new” vampire genre. He is someone Buffy is supposed to eliminate; they are on opposite sides, (she is the vampire killer and he is a vampire) but they are drawn to each other. He is the most sexualized and eroticized of the characters in the series.

If Angel (Buffy’s vampire love interest) represents the conflicted and erotized male vampire of the new genre, then Buffy herself is his counterpart. An embodiment of a postmodern feminist who subverts traditional expectations of the female protagonist. Buffy, the main character, is a woman who is both strong and powerful. She “talks back, she looks back, and she can take a blow as well as she can land one” (Owen 25). By doing this, she breaks traditional conventions about the construction of the gendered identity of the male “warrior”. Buffy’s gender is a part of her camouflage, but she is not in disguise. She is like the other girls in the show, actively feminine. She likes to go shopping, gossip, and engage in behaviors that are seen as “girly,” even though her identity as the vampire slayer makes her “different” from her peers (Buttsworth). “Her visible femininity in no way detracts from her performance as the slayer, mocking the masculine coding of warrior tradition and the military. A ‘girl’- no matter how powerful - is a threat rather than an asset to this code” (Buttsworth 9). This suggests that Buffy’s femininity and power coexist rather than conflict, undermining the masculine ideal of the warrior and exposing how female power disrupts patriarchal expectations.

The next part is going to be my actual analysis of the first movie, so please subscribe, like, and comment!

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1

I like to start with the bad, so outs are going first

outs:

• Doomscrolling

• Comparison

• Not calling people out, because you don’t want to be seen as the “too woke” girl

• Silencing yourself to make other people feel comfortable

• Letting anxiety make you believe that everyone hates you!

• Pretending to know a show/movie/book when you actually don’t

• CODE SWITCHING

• Gossiping

• READING SUBSTACK POSTS WITHOUT LIKING (plz like if you read my posttttttt i love u)

in:

• Physical media

• Learning how to play an instrument

• Thrifting

• Cards

• Collections (intentionally, and not in an overconsumption way, over time for many years)

• Jewelry

• Writing

• Sidequests

• Taking risks professionally

• Kiking

• Podcasts

• Confidence

• Public speaking

• Being emotionally vulnerable

• Embracing uncertainty

• substack

I am so excited to see what this year brings! also I love you guys!

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Music: So Close To What, The Secret of Us, Emails I Can’t Send, Eternal Sunshine Deluxe, Good Riddance, Who’s the Clown, Chromakopia, A Matter of Time

I was able to see Tate McRae and Tyler the Creator live this year! It was actually life-changing!!!

Movies: Frankenstein, Sinners, Avatar Fire and Ash, LEGO movies (specifically the LEGO Batman and Ninjago movies), Twilight

Shows: Glee, Heated Rivalry, Schitt's Creek, Friends

This was the first year I had a tv at college, so it was really fun to watch comfort movies with my roommates. The LEGO movies and Twilight took on a new meaning after watching with them. I got to discover shows they love too, like Glee, and we would watch every night and eat ice cream. I was actually sobbing during the Schitts Creek finale I watched yesterday… DON’T TALK TO ME.

Books: The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan, Told You So by Macyi Neely, Intermezzo by Salley Rooney, Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig, Releasing 10 by Chloe Walsh, Joan of Arc by Mark Twain

I honestly didn’t read as much as I normally do in 2025, so my goal is to read more next year!

Youtubers: Steph Boher, Luna Montoya, Tilly Joan, Melanie Locke, Mina Le ( also love her substack), Toni Bravo (also love her substack), and the celebrity lie detector tests videos.

Substackers: , , ,

I was able to get into YouTube videos again because of my social media hiatus, and I have included some of my favorite Substack writers on here as well! They are all so talented, and I love reading their essays.

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