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How can I find and feel freedom now in what I already have and where I already am? Be creative. Be resourceful.

What does freedom even look and feel like to me?

No expectations. But devotion from a place of choice. Sovereignty. Empowerment. Ease from worry. The ability to pull myself back to the present moment when life tramples on.

So… do I feel safe to be free? Fully? Do I feel like I can hold it? Is my good girl complex getting in the way?

I do not have to be good. I do not have to follow the rules.

F*CK their rules. I make my own.

I’m done running. Moving because I thought that’s how I felt free. Air under my wings. No, I was chasing. Something that was never really there. An insatiable hunter. The prey always disappointed me.

Freedom is in the stillness. Free birds still choose to perch. And be still. And trust that they’ll know when and where to fly next. Maybe freedom is having the courage to break even my own rules a previous version of me set.

Release expectations from a past version of me. I am not her anymore.

I find freedom in who I am right now, always.

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i find myself still telling myself this in a desperate attempt to distance myself from the pain of losing our family soul dog, Willie.

but as much as i try to tell myself it’s not a big deal and that the death of people is much more painful and i should just shut up, the grief seeps through

Willie and I didn’t start out as friends. My grandad couldn’t take care of him anymore so he drove him from Texas to North Carolina. I came home from college one day and we had a new dog. He would nip at my feet because he was a herding dog who grew up on the streets of Texas, he was scared of loud noises and that included me - the loudest family member. Willie taught me so many lessons about unconditional love throughout our time together, as we grew into loving each other. And it wasn’t always easy, but it was always worth it. He didn’t know how to play when we first got him and never licked anyone, which was the opposite of our other dog. He seemed so stand offish, so when he finally began to open up to me it felt that much more special.

He wasn’t my childhood dog, no. He came into my life when I was 20 years old and I only knew him for 5 years…but I can’t even begin to explain the impact this dog had no only on me but my entire family. He healed us in so many ways like some Earth Angel and didn’t even realize he was doing it.

I remember just a week after my heartbreak, we were on a trip to a family wedding because why wouldn’t I be attending a wedding one week after getting my heart stomped on? I was a shell of a being. My mom offered for us to walk the property of the house we were staying at, as it had some wide open fields for us to explore. I reluctantly went, staring straight ahead and wondering when I’d feel a sense of joy or purpose again. It seemed hopeless. Willie got to go off leash, which was a treat for him. This was the first time I’d seen him off leash, and I watched him galavant through the tall grass. He was herding my mom and I together to make sure he could keep us all safe, and the joy I saw in his smile made me cry. He was finding so much happiness and peace in just being able to run around in a field with his family, and that little glimmer of hope was something I held onto throughout that chapter of my life.

He was reactive. My grandad didn’t find him until he was 6 years old, but he seemed to have been abused by other animals or even maybe other people. We were always cautious, and it took him a while to fully trust us.

Willie also loved running on the beach. When we’d take him during times of the year when not many people were out, we’d run him back and forth between my mom and I. He could’ve gone for hours if we let him. I used to take him on runs too, I trained him how to run alongside a person instead of treating it like a walk with all the sniff stops. We would go to the river because that’s always where I find solace during hard times.

Those walks and runs are so special to me and he ran with me up until he died. Part of me feels horrible that that was the case - he died of stage 4 lung cancer you see. Not even one week after I left home he was diagnosed. And exactly a week after I had left, he died. I wasn’t initially going to fly home. I was coming home from living out of the country and I was going to just head back to Colorado. But something in me told me time at home was important….and oh my god I am so glad I listened.

I’m so grateful for what he taught me about trust. For our runs. For all the times he’d get into my trash can. For when he’d jump into my car when I’d be heading back to college. For how he loved my mom. For how he made us all laugh by being a clumsy guy. For how he’d always jump up onto the counter and steal steak. For his calm presence and how he’d sniff my face when I was crying.

The last photo in this post is the last one I have of him. Sitting on the floor of the animal hospital with my mom. Right before the injection. Happy as can be just to have his family around him. That’s all he needed really. His people and some space to run in the sun.

To the dog who finally learned how to play: I’m sorry you didn’t get to wear your new collar you just got for Christmas for very long. I’ll dedicate my runs to you forever my handsome bubba.

none of this makes sense.

i was fine today, i really was.

i promise im not sad anymore.

quick fix.

all i needed was one day right?

now im reset

i can pretend to be happy again

i can roleplay the obedient easygoing girl again

but he just got a new collar for christmas.

i wasn’t there

.

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For as long as I can remember, I have been someone who chose to pursue her growth in private. I chose to heal in solitude and to be vulnerable within the safety of my own company—no one else’s.

But I hit a point in my journey, a point where I felt there was almost nothing more I could do on my own. For a moment, I almost sighed in relief and pride…maybe I was done healing? Fully self-actualized by the age of twenty-five…that’s when your prefrontal lobe develops, so I suppose that’s the end of it…right?

Oh, my Ego wanted it to be true so badly. But sadly for my hyper-independence, that was not the case.

Now I had just unlocked a new challenge: healing within connection. Healing within shared love. Healing alongside others who were also still healing.

Throughout so many connections I’ve shared in my life, whether it be platonic, familial, or romantic… I had a track record of completely losing myself. Time and time again, I would shrink myself at even the chance that someone could love me. Well, the version of me I put on display for them to approve, not my fullest expression. I was here to perform to be loved, not be loved in my being. Ironically, I would abandon myself because I feared the damage of someone else abandoning me would be even worse.

And so my subconscious put up walls - vulnerability avoidance, hyper emotional detachment, solitude to the point of depression - to protect myself from fully disappearing into someone else.

And for a while, these control tactics worked at protecting my heart…well kinda. I still experienced heartbreak and grief, but without allowing the full experience of being raw and vulnerable with another person. Over time, I realized that there were parts of my healing that were meant to be done alone, and other parts that could only be addressed within connection…f*cking great.

So what needed to be done in order to allow the most authentic connections?

I needed to learn how to trust myself.

The story of my journey towards learning how to trust myself will be told some day, just not this one.

For a while, the pendulum kept swinging between my attempts at deep connection but my limiting beliefs getting in the way and me just going full on hermit crone and deciding that my heart is better off when I’m alone.

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Until one day, I met someone who saw right through my mask. The one I had so carefully curated to be bulletproof - shattered right before my very eyes.

All of my protection attempts were of no use anymore - my performative vulnerability, my perfectionism, my self shrinking, my emotional shame…and they saw me.

I had never felt so exposed. There was nowhere for me to hide... and I hated that I felt no sense of control in their perception of me.

So naturally, as any sane person would, I tried to come up with any excuse to push them away. My mind is really good at over rationalizing reasons to cut someone out of my life, but my heart started fighting back.

My intuition knew, she knew this was exactly what I needed to crack my heart open. As someone who lived primarily in the sanctity of her mind, this was the exact reckoning I needed to be faced with to let my walls down. I knew there was no other way to open myself to the kind of human connection that my soul has been yearning for my entire life.

I gave in. I allowed them to see me. I allowed myself to love and be loved.

And once there was that small crack, I felt a relief. Almost a release of the tension I’d held in for so long. The depth of love that had always been within me began pouring out of my heart and I had no way of stopping it.

I always wanted control, but now, I felt safe in the trust in myself to allow this love to flow fully. It felt like the love I was experiencing not only poured out of me into them but back into myself at the exact same time. What scared me the most is I couldn’t control the exact ratio of give and receive. I always felt like I had to keep myself in a perfect balance, a fair transaction when it came to love and connection.

But that’s the thing…

The fear set in. I began “what if” -ing myself:

What if I abandon myself in the connection?

What if I share something and then they don’t stick around?

What if I shrink my sensitivities?

But then I remembered: I have the self trust to come home to myself if I begin to do any of these things. The right connections will give both the challenge to grow alongside the other while also giving the space to retreat, reflect, and digest on individual growth.

And within this space, I allowed the nuance in recognizing that this connection and person is by no means perfect. They have their stuff, and oftentimes, that stuff needs space for the sake of both of our journeys. And putting Ego aside to recognize just how much I see myself in those I love really takes the judgement piece out of any actions or distance that I or the other need for our own karmic paths.

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Boundaries within these connections I came to find are crucial. I can allow the nuance of empathy I feel for someone acting out of fear and Ego to exist alongside the love and respect I have for myself. Self love will always outweigh any love I have for another person, and if that means loving from a distance, then so be it.

So although I have loved and been loved by someone who feels like a key to a door I’ve waited my entire life to unlock, I only needed that key once. The door is now open, and I have the freedom to cross the threshold. I don’t need the key to explore this new part of myself I’ve discovered if the key doesn’t wish to come with me. That’s their choice.

Loving someone within their own freedom and autonomy is one of the most powerful ways to practice unconditional love. Being grateful for the ways their presence changed you, and having the courage to surrender to the separating of paths, knowing that nothing in the world can take away the experience of love you shared.

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A few years ago I began my journey in learning how to discern my anxiety from my intuition…the presence of urgency.

Anxiety feels like a loud push urging you to act immediately or else it feels like the end of the world. And sadly, this is a state that most of us know too well, a state we spend a majority of our time in. Our world encourages always being in a rush, staying busy, working until you burn yourself out and then some more.

But what I didn’t understand for a long time was that the amount of exhaustion you feel - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - is not direct correlated to the amount of joy you falsely feel you will “earn.” This false belief system capitalism has instilled in us is called the “Meritocracy Myth”.

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The issue with this belief system is that it is almost a by the book catch - 22 loop, if you keep believing you will earn happiness “one day”, that day will remain in the future and will never become your present. Articulated well in an article by Michael J Sandel of the Harvard Gazette,

And so within this meritocratic cycle of suffer to earn and then never reach the point of happiness, our nervous systems feel a sense of unrest and panic to accomplish this seemingly unattainable goal. We rush to check things we feel are so important off of our daily to-do lists, but never actually allow the delayed gratification and dopamine set in for doing great things for ourselves.

Many people mistake these urgent thoughts for intuition, when in actuality, your gut feelings are something you can more easily ignore. Intuition does not shout or tug, she is patient. Intuition is detached from if you listen to her or not, she is sovereign and empowered. She gives you nudges and loves you unconditionally, whether you choose to follow her voice or not.

Because intuition is so quiet, she is easy to miss. Easy to ignore for your entire life. Learning how to listen is a skill you must practice consistently. We knew how to do this more innately when we were children, but as the noise of the external world got louder and instilled belief systems within us from outside of ourselves, our intuition was silenced.

I had a therapist once who told me she believed me to be “obsessed with efficiency”. At the time, I laughed because I knew it was true, but I wrote it off as just another one of my Type A traits. Turns out, I’m not Type A, I was just chronically stressed. Once I realized just how deeply rooted my nervous system was disturbed and how I found urgency in every area of my life, I knew this was no way for me to live my life.

I began my practice to bring peace and ease to my nervous system, and to remind my pain body that not everything needed a survival response. And if you’ve read some of my writing before, you know I hold a belief that everything is a practice. And so, I began mine to stop urgency from taking over my life.

I have several things that I do to bring more slowness and intention into my days, encouraging myself to ease into rest, rewiring my beliefs towards knowing abundance finds me in a state of soft receptiveness. I will share one practice that I still utilize to this day as often as I can remember to do it within my sacred journaling ritual…these questions:

• How did I take care of myself today?

• How did life flirt with me today?

• How did I practice stillness today?

This is a practice of noticing within released judgement. At first, I found it difficult, for many days I didn’t practice stillness and felt shame for it. But as your subconscious continues to practice reflecting on these things, you rewire your mind to look for and even take aligned action to incorporate slowness in your days.

So, if you’re feeling like your heart is racing any time something is put onto your plate, allow the space. Allow the space that lies between the moment urgency creeps in and when you take action. Get really close to that void, let it feel uncomfortable, get curious about it. Then utilize the power of your free will to rewire your nervous system away from constant urgency and towards easeful peace.

You deserve a life filled with slowness, because if you’re always rushing, you’re going to miss all that’s already in front of you.

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I knew I didn’t operate in life like a man, why was I trying to better myself like one?

And so, since a softer and more feminine approach to growth felt like the only way for me to no longer fear setting goals for myself, I decided to approach it differently. I now approach my self work from a place of loving devotion, soft ritual, and following my natural creative flow. It has taken me a few years of trial and error, but now I am really getting into the juicy goodness of manifesting my dreams and accomplishing my goals from a place of self love, not self hatred.

OUT: New Year’s resolution lists
IN: Vision boards and words of the year

Let’s go through both of them, alongside my personal process in how I create (take what resonates, leave what doesn’t)…

Vision Board

My vision board process is very extensive and I typically begin my higher self inquiry process around late October or early November to allow my creative flow to find me. I start to inquire in my meditations and see what comes through in my journaling.

Before I go into the very in depth process, I did make a video explaining my process over on TikTok, so if you’re more of an auditory / visual learner, check it out here:

vision board process video

My (very flowy) steps go as follows:

1. Brainstorm List: I start making a brainstorm list filled with any goals, phrases, words, signs from the universe, symbols I’ve been resonating with, etc. Do NOT limit yourself to just action oriented goals, remember, we are steering away from to do lists and more towards a more artistic and abstract approach. I add things to this list as they strike me, I’d recommend keeping your list in a journal or notes app so you can add whenever inspiration strikes. Start this in the last quarter of the year. Examples from my list this year: “Yoga teaching certification, Herbalism, Feeling connected to my feminine and my creativity and intuition, Getting paid to exist, I am of the stars, Butterfly”.

2. Make a Pinterest Board: Search your brainstorm list phrases (and words of the year hehe) and similar ones on Pinterest and make a BIG vision board. Allow your creativity to be free here, even if you see a visual and you feel drawn to it for no other reason than you like it, add it! My vision board Pinterest board this year has like 260 pins, this can be as big as you’d like! Not all of these photos are going to go on your actual vision board (unless you wanna).

   

3. Select your photos and take them to Canva: I personally do 1-3 quote photos (so I don’t get visually overwhelmed with words) and 10-20 other photos that get the full array of what I want to embody in the upcoming year. Make the Canva board your computer dimensions and start playing with the photos. I usually will choose a bunch and then realize I don’t like some and I swap them out or I’ll search up a new word on Pinterest to get the exact vibe I want to add once I get going. (Bonus: Make a phone background version and a printable journal version. Wherever you’re going to be looking a lot, that’s where the vision board should go. Your subconscious will pick up on it even if you’re not intentionally gazing at it regularly).

4. Present it to your loved ones: This is a really fun way to integrate your vision board even deeper into your subconscious. One of my friends and I presenting our vision boards to one another and explained the reasoning behind each and every photo. Many of them I didn’t even know why I chose until I started to explain it and he even helped me put together some of the pieces from his point of view too!

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Here are my vision boards from the past few years (you can see the progression in finding my style):

If it’s one of your 2026 goals to:

• get into solo travel

• cultivate your creativity

• learn how to tell a story in your style

• travel to Southeast Asia

• seek discomfort to grow

I’m hosting a nature conservation storytelling group trip to Vietnam this upcoming year and would love for you to join if you feel called…. and I promise you’ll know if this is for you:

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Word(s) of the Year

This process is a bit more abstract, allowing the creativity of your higher self to flow through you is crucial. It works for me as follows:

1. Brainstorm List: Once again, brainstorm lists on my notes app in my phone are how this works. I pay attention to any words that repeat in my card readings, any yoga teachings, meditations, or books I’m reading. Don’t limit yourself, write down as many words as you feel. If the word gives your body a reaction in any way and it comes up time and time again, that’s your body trying to speak to you. Pay attention. I typically start thinking about this during the final quarter of the year, asking my higher self to talk to me during savasana in yoga or during meditation. Do what works for you, when you have time to sit in silence with yourself.

2. Find a combination you like: Take this long list of words (mine this year was about 8) and see if there’s any combinations that feel like it encompasses what you want to embody throughout the year. For me, it can range anywhere from just one word that sticks out the most to four words that all work together. (Pro tip: any words you don’t end up going with you still thought of for a reason. Consider adding them to your vision board!).

3. Integrate Consistently: I integrate my words of the year in utilizing them as the prayer of my yoga practice. If you pray or meditate in any form (which you most definitely should if you don’t yet), lean into your words whenever you practice this self devotion ritual. I also integrate through check ins, typically quarterly, but honestly just whenever I’m feeling ungrounded or I sense some form of transformation happening.

4. End of Year Reflection: I try to do this at the end of each year, but honestly, I check in with my words so often, I end up doing it more than once. I typically do this in a journaling practice, here’s some examples:

   1. Letter to your past self from the beginning of the year on what you learned about these words

   2. How did you live in alignment with your words this year?

   3. What lessons still feel incomplete with these words?

   4. What is your relationship to this words now versus at the beginning of the year?

My words of the year for the past few years have been as follows:

• 2024: Peace and Connection

• 2025: Patience, Ritual, Vulnerability, and Love

Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t

Oftentimes, I don’t know exactly why I choose the visuals and words I do. Sometimes I don’t realize until the end of the year, and that’s the beauty and trust in it. This practice has helped me learn how to lean into soft evolution with myself, because self work doesn’t have to be something we dread.

And as always with any practice, take what resonates from mine and leave anything that doesn’t. Make it your own and make your dreams a reality.

And be sure to come back and tell me when it comes true and how you enjoyed your process :)

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I saw something the other day that summarized manifestation in four steps:

1. Your Thoughts - unraveling your core limiting beliefs and rewiring your pathways to think differently so you’re in alignment with your highest self

2. Your Feelings - transmuting any low state emotions you’re feeling while unraveling core limiting beliefs into power AND embodying the feelings you desire to feel once you manifest your desired reality

3. Aligned Action - trusting your intuition to guide you towards actions in the 3D that will bring you where you want to go

4. Have Faith.

And as someone who is just now dismantling their issues with control and impatience, I thought to myself “Have faith? What a load of bs” … and it made me think to myself “Hold on, what does ‘having faith’ even mean to me?”

Growing up in the South with the religious themes being thrown around, I didn’t want to have faith in the power some people worship that is rooted in hate.

But as I have been creating my own belief system, I realize that faith to me now is the thing I’ve been resisting the most: unwavering trust in something I cannot see.

Unwavering in the respect of still leaning into it, even if it’s “taking longer” than I would’ve liked (working on my patience too). I think the biggest challenge with faith for me is trusting something I cannot see. My logical brain says “well that seems stupid and naive, trusting something there’s no proof of in your reality isn’t safe”.

And there it was…one of my core values: safety. So faith seems to feel like something I so deeply resist because it doesn’t feel safe to me.

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But the crazy thing is, me feeling safe in trusting the universe means I’m placing my value of safety externally I’ve been working on rewiring my perception of safety to knowing I can handle any external circumstances because I trust myself.

So maybe the question isn’t as scary as “How do I have faith in something outside of myself?” but instead “Do I have faith in myself?”

And if I did, would the way my dreams and aspirations manifest in my reality and the timeline in which they come to me really even matter at all?

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I hear the word “Greed” and initially, I feel it in regards to material possession: money. Greed places value on how much “stuff” we can hoard. But I continue to feel into the state of greed, I recognize that it is not always monetary, money is just a symbol for our relationship with greed.

I sense it when it comes to friendships feeling transactional. Conditional. When taking > giving on a regular basis, greed appears within the Ego, the part of our brain that weighs the material world greater than our internal world. When giving > taking however, people pleasing appears in that same Ego. Both are harmful, both are on extremes of the spectrum. Allowing the true ebbs and flows of giving and receiving love, that’s where greed fades and the Self is able to take the wheel. From a place of abundance, a place without Ego peering over your shoulder telling you that you must receive the equal amount of energy in return.

“To maintain and satisfy greed, one must support domination. And the world of domination is always a world without love.” - bell hooks, “all about love”

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Greed comes from scarcity, this I feel like we already knew. There’s a power struggle when it comes to hoarding love selflessly given to you. If they outwardly express more love for you than you them, you’re safe, right? You're in control of the dynamic, therefore you cannot possibly get your heart broken. Sadly, this is not the case. There’s always a risk in love, but one I’d argue is the greatest risk one should always choose to take.

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But practicing greediness in love, that’s where you start equating your worthiness to how much love you have been shown through admiration, obsession, or praise. Love and worthiness are not greedy though, they’re inherent. They exist no matter how much external reality “stuff” you possess. So love received with greed is just collecting admiration (which I must admit, my Ego has had a fair share of indulging in.) The admirer lusts until they lose themselves in the person they think they love, attaching themselves so deeply to the version of the admired that they put on such a high pedestal. The Ego of the admired is now feeding off the greed of it, and the unhealthy attachment cycle continues. Admiration and collecting “stuff” to deem yourself worthy of love and miracles is exactly what the Ego wants. And it’s exactly what keeps the Self from all the abundance that stands just behind releasing greed.

On the other hand, true lovers give love and graciously receive back and forth with no end in sight. It comes from a place of true authentic expression, not from anxiously awaiting approval in one’s worthiness. The Self does not know greed, it trusts that the love and energy you give out will always come back, even if they can’t see it immediately.

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And amongst all this discussion on greed can fuel the Ego and cause one to live a life of scarcity, greed is not necessarily ‘bad’ per se. Greed is a part of yourself craving to be understood. Craving love. She’s still a part of you, just trying to keep you safe. And for her, safety feels like taking and giving nothing in return. But you can rewire that. And have compassion for what she was trying to do for you.

A good place to gently start this discussion with yourself is to journal: “Where am I greedy?” and get really honest with yourself. Growth doesn’t happen within comfort.

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In the ebbs and flows of life, no matter if I’m on the top of a peak and feeling euphoric and high in life or if I’m in a valley of some grief and loneliness, I never have a doubt in my mind that this job will continue to ground me.

I feel like being someone who literally works in the industry of love, I’ve earned my title as “Hopeless Romantic™️”. I literally witness love for a living.

And not all the time is it easy. As I see so many couples find their person, it reminds me how I’ve yet to do so myself. And lots of my friends and family ask me “Is it hard sometimes?”. And yes, it definitely can be.

Whenever I go through periods of loneliness, as all of us have in our lives, I always feel like I’ll dread seeing others in a dynamic I know I want one day.

But more often than not, after an engagement session or an elopement day when I’m in one of those emotional valleys, I come out with a full heart and feeling their love for one another overflow and spread to me, reminding me time and time again that the connection my soul yearns for is out there. And I get the privilege to witness it time and time again.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so incredibly proud of the life I’ve created for myself, BY myself. But at the same time, it’s okay for a girl to still a be a Hopeless Romantic ™️ and certified lover girl and desire a deep partnership.

Two truths can exist.

So I guess this journal entry just turned out to be a love letter to all my clients….thank you for continuing to remind me of the kind of love and partnership that exists and is in abundance in this world.

You have no idea how much your love has continued to give my faith during some dark times in my life.

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Remember when we were kids and our imaginations made the world seem so magical. It made the dreams we has feel that much closer.

We’d play teacher, baker, detective, restaurant, tea party, house, or even fairies frolicking about a forest - at least these were the themes of my pretend play. There was a certain level of flow state we would reach as we would play pretend - we’d experience the emotions we assumed came from that kind of life. What a way to allow us to explore and even live out our dreams of being in these roles one day.

And then maybe one day, after playing the role we idolized every day, we’d realize that we didn’t want to play that role anymore. We’d move onto a new dream to try on. Without skipping a beat, without shame or thoughts like “Well, I spent so much time perfecting my role as a Doctor in our game, I can’t play anything different now”. We saw no limitations to move onto something new. We tried on a new role simply because we wanted to.

Somewhere along the way, as we got older, we were told to “stop pretending” and “be realistic”. It took me a long time to realize that the adults who told me this were trapping me in the limitations of their own minds about what was possible and what wasn’t.

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This is when the fun part of playing pretend turned into something that keeps many of us in a loop of misery. We began to take the whimsical game of playing pretend and turned it into a performance, to mask the way we wanted to authentically show up. Because we were told the individualistic ways we wanted to show up were wrong. We were laid out the characteristics of the role we chose, and we believed we must stick with it for our entire lives.

Some of us become so deeply engrained in this performance, this adult version of playing pretend, that we become the identities of the roles we embody. We become the identities that were written out for us to follow. We learn our lines and we play the part. And worst of all, we pretend we actually find joy in it.

Now I’m not here to tell everyone they hate their careers or the way of life they’re living, but instead to really evaluate if it brings you joy. Or…were you told it would bring you joy and you're so far down the rabbit hole you’ve convinced yourself you believe that too?

What happened to playing pretend because we wanted to try on a new hat? Maybe it fits for a while and then you want to swap it for a new one. Maybe you love it and create your own unique version. Maybe you try it an immediately decide you hate it. There are no wrong answers. The point is that you allowed yourself (and you inner child) the permission to try out the part.

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Why does it feel like there’s no breathing room for our dreams as adults to grow and change the same way it did when we were young? Because now the stakes are higher? We have more responsibilities? I mean yes, but that’s only an excuse to stay in the misery of pretending if you allow it to be.

So I encourage you, in the same way I’m continuing to encourage myself, to embrace playing pretend like a kid again. No expectations of the outcome. Stop pretending like your dreams don’t evolve alongside you, because they do. It’s just a matter of having the self trust to make up your mind and then change it again, knowing you’ll support yourself through all you learn in those experiences. And one day, when someone questions you as to why you try out all of these things, perhaps one of the most courageous acts of all is to say “because I want to.”

I feel as though people don’t fully understand what I mean when I try to explain the impact my clients have on me. Connection has always been something I’ve valued, so when I began my business, I knew it was something I wanted to carry with me into my work. I personally feel one of our main purposes here as human beings is to connect with one another and learn from the lived experiences of others as well as the shared experiences we have together. There’s so much to learn outside of ourselves, and as someone who most definitely struggled with hyper independence, I often must check in with myself and be sure I’m putting my ego aside and living in alignment with my core value to connect and learn from those around me.

And when it comes to my career as a photographer, I don’t speak of connection in the sense of chatting with my clients over shared interests during our shoot or recognizing we’re from the same side of the country in our first consult call. While those things can be fun, that is still the more surface level of connection I experience with my clients.

You know what? Instead of trying to explain further, I’ll instead just give you an example:

I met Lyndsey (yup, we have the same name but different spellings) back in the winter of last year. I took some early maternity photos for her, as she was expecting her first child in the coming months. The joy I could feel emanating from her about entering motherhood was palpable, and I couldn’t contain my excitement for the honor of being part of such a monumental time in her life.

As a woman myself, while I have no children, I recognize how pivotal of a chapter in a woman’s life it must be to make the choice to become a mother, and how transformational those nine months must feel leading up to bringing a child into this world. There must be so many feelings new mothers must be experiencing. Being able to photograph that magic of a woman becoming a mother is something I never take for granted.

After sending off Lyndsey’s final gallery and her expressing so much gratitude to me for capturing such an important time in her life, I sat with the joy of it all and then continued on. But her impact on my life didn’t end there.

Months later, Lyndsey reached back out, expressing she’d love to have some photos of her and her now four month old baby boy, Carson. Elated anytime a client of mine makes the decision to book with me again, I immediately got her on my schedule, excited to see how she’s been transitioning into motherhood and to meet this little human she created.

The day of our shoot came around, and as every human does every once in a while, I was having a bad day. And I mean a royally bad day, the kind where nothing could really turn it around (and trust me, I tried). It was one of those days where you just have to call your mom and let her hear you cry for no other reason than to be witnessed, because you know there’s nothing to do but let it out. And so that’s what I did, the entire way over to this shoot.

I had a few clients back to back this day, so I knew I had to pull it together pretty quickly. The clients began flowing in, and while the distraction of my job that I love so dearly helped ground me immensely, I was definitely not on the top of my game. And then, Lyndsey showed up.

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I saw her pick baby boy Carson up out of the car and I felt my shoulders relax and a genuine smile crawl across my face. The relief of a familiar face excited to see me was a deep breath I didn’t know I needed. We went about the shoot, and it took so much within me to not burst into tears (happy ones this time) to see Lyndsey with this child that only months ago, I knew only as a little bump. I gave her the biggest hug and said goodbye to baby boy, and finished up the remainder of my shoots.

On my drive home afterwards, I settled back into my bad day state, relieved that I could take off the professionalism mask I felt I needed to wear that day and get home to rest. As I settled back into my grumpiness at home, already being a bit more disappointed that it was a Sunday and I couldn’t get my emotional support Chick-Fil-A, my phone buzzed and it was Lyndsey. I opened the message:

“Hi it’s other Lyndsey! I just wanted to say thank you so much for today! You’re such a bright light and I’m so thankful to have found you!”

Tears immediately resumed streaming down my face. To know that even on a day where I felt I couldn’t go any lower, the way I showed up meant something to someone. The way I showed up, even if I felt I wasn’t my best, was enough. More than enough, it brought light to someone’s life that day.

After wiping my tears, I chose to be a bit vulnerable with her and shared how I was having the most difficult day and that seeing her and the joy her baby boy brings her made my entire day just a little bit easier.

And just like that, the door was then open for her to be vulnerable with me as well. After sending Lyndsey some of her previews, she expressed to me that she was also going through a difficult time, and that these photos of her with her son truly brought her the hope and joy she needed to keep moving forward.

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People need people. Even when you feel like the way you’re showing up isn’t “enough”, I promise you it is. And that was something I so desperately needed to understand at this time in my life when I felt almost embarrassed to keep showing up, because I couldn’t maintain this unrealistic expectation only I had of myself. What I didn’t realize is that’s when I lose my authenticity, my humanness.

“Why even bother showing up at all if I can’t show up perfectly,” I’d ask myself.

Lyndsey proved me wrong.

I don’t need to be perfect to be exactly what people need and to still be worth being loved and accepted in return. And that’s why connection is such a core value in the work that I do. I don’t think my clients know how many lessons they’ve truly gifted me about myself and how I want to show up in my life differently.

I might be capturing their lives, but they deeply change the trajectory of mine.

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After twenty five years as a woman myself, I am only just really getting into the depths of reclaiming my sovereignty. The thing was, I didn’t even realize I was missing it.

I was so proud to be a feminist, or at least, what I felt a feminist was at the time. Little did I know I had deep wounds associated with my femininity: trying to appease the male gaze, seeing myself as worthless if not chasing the identity of “wife”, feeling the pressure to become a mother while also harshly rejecting it internally, internalized misogyny I’d use against myself and other women.

After getting honest with myself I realized just how deeply ashamed I was of being a woman.

But it wasn’t my fault. It’s how I was programmed. It’s how all of us women are programmed to an extent. And I’m not here to tell you how you were raised as a woman, I’m just speaking from my experience, in a home where the women were encouraged to dream big and live loudly. And yet, the patriarchy still took hold of me, of my femininity. I was seeing myself as a woman through a hateful lens - objectified, belittled, disrespected.

And with this realization of my aversion to a large part of my identity came a massive amount of shame. For all the times I’d projected my own deeply rooted misogynistic judgements on other women. For all the times I sought permission and validation from a man’s attention. For all the times I’d go to an event or subconsciously perform while in public in hopes of “meeting my husband” because that’s where I learned my value was. For all the times I shamed my womb when she was just trying to connect with me.

Shame is a tricky thing - it can easily send you into a spiral. But I think the beauty of a spiral is you can only spiral into such a small range of motion before it spirals outward again.

So I allowed it all. I allowed the shame and guilt and held them both gently, like old friends. I told them it was okay to arise, but that I wasn’t a bad person for feeling and doing these things in the past. Like with many parts of our core wounds, I was just trying to protect myself. And to me at the time, treating myself the way the patriarchy did was an act of survival.

After the shame subsided, I decided to reclaim my identity as a woman. To reclaim my autonomy and sovereignty that I never really lost, I just forgot I had the power to make it fully mine. And so began the remembering.

Here is where practice comes into play. You’ve lived your life for so long, seeing the world and ultimately yourself through a certain filter, and unlearning that is a process. This was mine:

• I spent a lot of time alone. Like, a lot of time. I recognized that I was so vulnerable and susceptible to other people’s identities in this state that I needed to seek guidance from no one other than myself on what it meant to me to be a woman in her empowered sovereignty.

• I connected to my sensuality, which is very different from sexuality. Sensuality is what makes you feel alive. I learned how to do this through beginning a practice to dance to one song I intuitively chose each morning however my body felt. Some days it was high energy, other days it was gentler.

• I created, a lot. I explored new creative outlets I never fully allowed myself to explore before (such a writing, hehe). Some of these creations I’d share, and some to this day remain to be just for me. It is important to have both. As women, we have this inherit creativity within us, the capability to create life within our wombs. Which brings me to…

• Connecting to my womb space. Fertility within the womb doesn’t just relate to creating physical life (and not all women choose to take part in this), but the fertility of our ideas live here as well. I used to live out of alignment with my womb, but ever since listening to her and showing her love and gentleness, the intuition she connects me to within myself has gotten stronger.

• Began living in alignment with my moon cycle. You are innately more creative and energetic when you’re ovulating and more introspective and in need of rest during your menstrual phase. People have tried explaining this connection women have with the moon. In terms of rational mysticism - the approach to intuitive and magical experiences with a desire to understand them through rational thought - people call it cycle synching. But I truly believe if you just listen, your body will tell you exactly what she needs during each of the four internal seasons. But having a baseline understanding rooted in science can’t hurt.

• I never withhold a compliment to another woman, ever. This was a rule I had with myself even before I went deeper into this journey. It can be intimidating sometimes, yes, but women as a collective should continue practicing uplifting and supporting one another, even in just small practices.

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All of these things are a practice, a devotion to yourself and your connection to your feminine power. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and create your own practices that speak to you and your identity as a woman.

And beyond yourself, remembering your feminine sovereignty and living in that power heals the collective as well. Women are the healers of our world. Think back to historical instances where women who practiced herbalism were hanged because it was assumed they took part dark magic. We were villainized for our ability to heal, to bring peace. Along the way, someone decided they didn’t like that power for whatever reason. Maybe it was Ego, maybe it was fear, maybe a combination of the two.

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As women begin to remember our inherit power to bring peace and healing to the world, more people will feel that and begin their journey to remember their own power.

Going out into the world with an empowered feminine presence feels like a world brand new. Without even trying anymore, you’ll begin conversations that inspire others to practice their own inner work. And personally in my experience, I’ve felt inspired to guide women in finding their own power within themselves. Not without their request, of course. But with my energy being more open towards this calling, I’ve noticed it drawing people in with curiosity.

The greatest good for you is the greatest good for all. The healing of your internal feminine is the healing of the collective feminine (which we ALL carry inside of us, not just women).

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Women have the power to heal so much of the violence and fear that the patriarchy has bestowed upon this world. We have the power to heal with just our energetic field, not with any overextension of effort or emotional labor. That is where boundaries and understanding yourself comes into play.

The question is, can you find the courage to challenge the shadows cast upon your feminine by the patriarchy that have become so deeply engrained in your identity? Do you have the trust in yourself to feel a little lost for a while during your divine unraveling to come back to the core of your individual feminine sovereignty?

Being a deep feeler goes both ways:

• Feeling the deep grief, loneliness, anger, and fear.

• Feeling the intense joy, fulfillment, peace, and love.

And there is a lifelong path for every sensitive person where you progressively learn and practice how to expand your ability to hold extremes at both ends of the spectrum. Some of us might even find the space to hold both at the same time, a level of nuance that your Ego wants to ignore when it is activated.

Love is “the closest thing we have to magic.” - Hailey, Aquamarine, 2006

So a life filled with love is the goal, right?

Love, the feeling alone, is not sustainable. Love, the action, is.

Recognizing that love is a practice is one of the best things I could’ve ever done for myself. I practice loving myself with acceptance for all that I am and all that I’ve been and all I’m becoming. I practice loving without judgement and with fierce loyalty. I practice loving in the mundane, by noticing ways I can uniquely love someone better. I practice receiving love with a gracious heart. I practice receiving love without guilt or feeling the need to earn.

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There is no such thing as over-giving or over-receiving love when it comes from an abundant place instead of a transactional one. Over-giving love from scarcity looks like people pleasing and performing in order to earn love. Over-receiving love from scarcity looks like an obsession with being adored and admired as a means of having the upper hand of control.

Both scarce forms of love involve seeking validation outside oneself, meaning your container for love is small.

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So how does one practice expanding their container to give and receive unconditional and abundant love?

1. Hold yourself in the dark depths of yourself and give yourself permission to express your highest levels of happiness. It can get scary to witness yourself, but how can you expect anyone else to witness you if you can’t even fully witness yourself? Learn how to discern when you need to be the one to just hold you.

2. Stop rejecting acts of love from others. Why do you feel guilty for being loved? Accept the gesture of someone carrying something for you or someone offering to treat you to lunch. Visit the shadows that tell you you’re not worthy of it with acceptance and realize the love you allow yourself to receive is the love you believe you deserve.

3. A rule I personally have for myself: never hold in a compliment. Enough with this nonchalant nonsense - putting your voice on your inner kindness is important! It gets you outside of your comfort zone for a moment, signaling to your nervous system that showing care for another human is safe.

Love truly can change the world if we all sharpen our skills in being able to express it and receive it. Love freely as if it is an infinite supply, because it is.

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A component I felt I was missing in many of my connections growing up was that I felt no one truly “saw me”. And by that I think I meant no one understood me. I mistook one for the other, which I feel is a common occurrence.

For the longest time, I tried to control how people saw me by putting up a mask of perfectionism, so obviously it wasn’t my authentic self they were seeing. So this desire to be seen still didn’t feel fulfilled.

However, as I’ve torn down those protective walls and allowed my true vulnerability to be witnessed, it has not been what I was expecting. I have found people who I felt truly saw me now…and that still didn’t fill this now seemingly insatiable void within myself I still had. My people were showing up for me, they were witnessing me and holding space for however I felt I needed to express myself in that moment. I had never felt such support, and yet, there was that lingering feeling of “not enough”.

That’s when I realized I had expectations on “being seen”, on how I wanted it to feel. It was my need for control showing up once again, trying to protect me by pushing people away because they didn’t “see me” correctly in the way my Ego wished they did.

And then I began to question the phrase I was using in this context: “being seen”. What did that truly mean to me?

I got honest with myself and realized I didn’t just want to be seen, I wanted to be understood. And that felt like a different expectation with a different set of rules that I set myself to be disappointed in. My need to be understood was rooted in external validation of my human experience, not from authentic connection.

So in fact, my people were seeing me, they just weren’t always deeply understanding me. But isn’t that kind of the point of individualistic identity? The courage to be misunderstood and stand true to your beliefs anyway?

As I thought more on this I decided something: I don’t need anyone to understand me for my experience of life to be valid. And for the longest time, I reached outside of myself to find that. Constantly reaching outside of myself to find validity in my existence was exhausting and insatiable…I always needed more.

But now, I find peace in knowing no one owes me a witness or moment of understanding. There is beauty in both and I am so grateful for the opportunity to find community and connection through them, but I feel freedom in knowing it’s not necessary for my survival the way my nervous system believed for so long.

I now celebrate being misunderstood. I find beauty in the idea of knowing that no one will quite understand me as deeply as I do myself. I like that mystery. And I think realizing that about myself now helps me appreciate misunderstanding the mysteries in others too.

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I feel like when I came across the concept of “non-judgement” in my spiritual journey, I immediately rejected it - and by that I mean full body retraction from the word. It felt like an impossible feat: aren’t we wired as humans to judge? How can one practice non-judgement if judgement is in my condition?

So I tried to practice this mystical concept of non-judgement…and it quite honestly sucked. I began the noticing phase of when judgement showed up in my consciousness, and boy, it was a lot more than I thought. Had I always been this judgmental? Had I always allowed this conditioning to rule how I perceive the world around me?

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So then came the shame and guilt of feeling this way, which I had to pull myself out of before I could continue my exploration of this concept. Shame and guilt are two whole other monsters we shall explore another day…

After reaching radical acceptance that I was just a human who judges, as we all are, I began to take longer and longer pauses after the moment of judgment. Not to wallow in the swirling pit of shame, but to observe how these judgements and thoughts were trying to protect me. They were trying to gain a sense of control over my life by giving myself a sense of superior over another. In a primal context, those who were “better” would survive longer, so my Ego was trying to put others down so that I perceived myself as the most fit to survive.

I think in almost any new level of awareness to a wound I discover, recognizing how the belief or thought I hold in that moment is just trying to protect me gives me a sense of compassion for it. My judgements of those around me are just trying to keep me safe.

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And now enters the non-judgement part, because how does one go from making an instantaneous judgement to pausing to expressing compassion for it trying to protect me to non-judgement?

It all clicked.

Non-judgement is not the absence of judgement, it is the observation of that judgement from an outside perspective. By removing the meaning you attach to the judgement, you prevent it from fueling your Ego and impacting your actions and ultimately your life path.

Let me break it down in an example for you as if it’s happening in real time:

I’m a single woman at the park. I see a couple having a picnic. I notice that the man’s face seems indifferent to being on a picnic date with his partner. I immediately judge their relationship as being an unhappy one and jump to the thought that I’m glad I’m not in a relationship like theirs.

I pause.

How did we get all the way there? Maybe I’m making this judgement because there’s a part of me craving that deep partnership connection I’d like one day and I feel envy for someone else having that. Maybe I’m projecting past relationship wounds onto the man.

Regardless, this thought doesn’t serve me and is trying to protect me from the underlying emotions by creating a distance between me and them, a place in my mind where I’m somehow “better” than them.

I observe this thought. I thank the thought for bringing to light some emotions I may need to allow myself to explore or feel.

Then I release it. That’s non-judgement.

And like everything else when it comes to rewiring the way you think away from your limiting beliefs and survival mode, it’s a practice. Non-judgement is not something you become aware of once and it removes any judgement you’ll ever have from your mind for the remainder of your life.

Judging something doesn’t make you an evil person, it just makes you a person. Labeling certain feelings or thoughts we have as either “bad” or “good” creates such a separation between concepts. It doesn’t encapsulate the full nuance of the complexities of the human experience.

So I’ve found it to be quite impossible to not judge, so I won’t put pressure on myself to do so. Instead, I invite the judgment and will meet her with gentle compassion and gratitude for just trying to protect me.

And then, I’ll let her go.

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I’ve only just this year discovered that I’ve been a very performative person throughout my life. It was a deeper rooted part of my people pleasing that I have been ashamed to admit to myself.

But also this year, I’ve been having some hard conversations with myself. Verbalizing some hard truths about who I’ve been showing up as and how it doesn’t align with the person I’m becoming.

Specifically, the past two months, with the help of a couple of catalytic events of grief, this performance feels like it’s over. Not by choice, but by necessity. I’ve been fighting myself in letting it go, for it’s been all I’ve known. Who even am I behind this facade? Behind the mask I’ve shamed others for holding up when I’ve been doing the exact same?

Through attempting to gentle parent myself through the guilt and shame, I’ve found myself asking “How in the fuck do I show up anymore?”

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For instance, I was the best socializer. I never had a problem making friends, I’d say I’m a very easily likable person. Now, I have no motivation to put on this “face” I was once so good at putting on before. I am more often than not just showing up however matches my energy that day. Some days I go to events where I planned on instigating conversations with those around me and I say nothing. I make one on one plans with friends and I find myself allowing them to take up most of the space in the conversation, which is so unlike this past version of me who loved to talk.

All this time, has the “talkativeness” I’ve identified with for so long (among many other things, just don’t make me name them all right now or I’ll have yet another Ego death) actually just been a compulsion to please and desperately try to be seen and heard?

Ironic isn’t it? The habits we adopt for our Ego to be seen are actually what is trying to protect our Self from actually being seen?

So now it feels like the curtain has closed and will never re-open. Now I must turn and face those who choose to come backstage and witness who I am outside of what I’ve so desperately been trying to be perceived as for so long.

Arguably the scariest journey of them all. But there’s no going back now. I’ve had my final performance. I’m done.

I guess all that’s left is to lean in.

I’m not here to lie to you: creating art as your job WILL result in burnout. Things will begin to feel repetitive and you’ll just start going through the motions to get the finished product. You may even begin sacrificing your own creative direction to appease non-ideal clients.

There will be a day where you’ll reach your breaking point, and you’ll either breakdown or breakthrough. Everyone breaks at some point, what matters is the direction. The choice is yours.

But isn’t that the point of art in the first place? To be challenged in our abilities and push us to new heights we didn’t see as possible before. And no, creating art as your profession is not for everyone. Some people allow the first breakdown to deter them or they allow the fear to become all encompassing and create failure before they even attempt. But in tandem with self trust and grounding, you can create art for a living and flourish in that lifestyle.

What I’ve found to be important to me in my journey of creating a living around creating is recognizing that the art I create for work is not the only way I get creative. And I’m not just talking about taking my camera and getting creative with it, but finding other mediums to nurture my creativity.

For me I’ve found love for:

• Junk journaling

• Watercoloring

• Baking

• Cooking

• Clay molding

• Ceramics

• Candle making

• Coloring

• Herbalism

• Yoga

• Poetry

Oh and this article you’re reading : )

The ability to create is everywhere, and creating more than you’re consuming, especially as someone who makes art for a living, is so important. You start to compare yourself to the art and whatever other mind numbing content you consume. Overconsumption is REAL, and it can cause creative blockages in my experience.

Art is nothing but a depiction inspired by life made into something new. Emotions and feelings alchemized into the way the artist perceives them. And then potentially received in a completely different way by the viewer of the art. And how beautiful it can then go the inverse: life can be then inspired by your art. Creating a physical embodiment of the way you view the world then causes you to crave more awe in your life. And others witnessing you art can feel similarly. I know there have been many art pieces I’ve seen that have sparked my own creativity and craving for more life experience.

So while yes, you’re most DEFINITELY gonna get burnt out and hate the things you make sometimes, keep making things. Make art you hate, make art so ugly you never want anyone to see it. And then make some more. Make art no one will ever see, art just for you. It’s all about being able to come back, time and time again, to your core reasons and values in your creating. And they can change over time alongside your personal growth, that’s the beauty of it.

And my challenge to myself in mitigating my own creative burnout is this right here, my journal transmuted into a blog. Writing has never really been something I felt I was “good” at, but the more I’ve written over the years (I’ve been journaling since I was 15), the better I’m able to articulate myself and find my style. So here it is, my writing, authentically written and barely edited, because that’s exactly how I’d do it in my journal.

So to all the people who I’ve inquired about what they’re creating and if they’ve considered making their art into their job and they immediately respond with “Oh, I don’t want to get burnt out and hate it because I made it into a business”….isn’t art about creating and hating and starting all over to fall in love with it…again and again?

I planned to make my debut over here on Substack something so seemingly profound and start off with a “bang” of an article, but I think that would defeat my whole reason for beginning this account. I want to show up and show the messily imperfect and candid thoughts. So the debut of my writing journey here will be just that:

I passed by this tree today and saw just a few remaining fall leaves hanging on. I thought to myself at first “wow, winter is coming, these last few leaves are how I feel at this stage in life” and a sense of urgency crept in. A panic for the season of winter coming in and all the meaning I attach to it: sadness, stillness, cold.

But after I sat with that moment of urgency, I then noticed something more prominent to me: I’d never be able to see how the delicate branches wave in the wind if the leaves were there year round. And how beautiful the intricate weaving of branches were to me.

And there it was: my container expanding. Allowing beauty in both to be true at the same time. A skill I’ve been practicing more and more.

This tree must be beautiful with its newly sprouted leaves in the spring. 🌸🌿

This tree must be full of green and flourishing in the summer. 🌳☀️

This tree must be so vibrant with its yellow pop of color in the fall. 🍂🍁

And this tree is so beautiful in its bare and vulnerable state as we head into winter, its branches being exposed for all to see. ❄️

And that’s when I noticed further, not only is there beauty in the four seasons of this tree, I’m sure, but there’s the beauty in the intricacies of the in between too.

So why can’t we hold the beauty in the intricacies of our transitions too? Who says our in between needs to remains hidden until it feels we’ve arrived?