fractured light
                         moon
                        under			silver reflections
                        moon	      		          of
                                                       silver reflections                          reflecting
                                                                                                                    on
                                                                                                            my reflection
                                                                                        on
                                                                       depthless black water
                                       under
                        depthless black sky                                
                                                         looking down 
                                                     into black water
                                                                                         seeing 
                                                                                         myself
                                                                                                         Looking up    
                                                                                                       into black sky
                                   into the heart of night
                           into the unknown 
and the unknowable
                                where the eternal
                                                                  embraces
                                                                                             the light and the dark
                                                                     &&&

                                               BRAGG CREEK EXCURSION

		   rappelling
                           down
               waterfall cliff face
                                                           trying
                                                     not to think                about    lost  balance
                                                                                                loose rocks
                                                                            long  slide 	  
                                                                   sure death
			attention focused
 			                                on feet moving
							                             down
                                                                      shear rock face
		           the only sound
		  	                rope
			                     against
					                cloth
						             against
							                  skin
	                 thunder
	  growls in the distance
                                                      sheet lighting flashes
                                                                                                     behind
                                                                                         angry black clouds
	                                       feet at last touch
			                    the horizontal plane
				                   once again
									                       stopping at a creek pool
	                                                               washing away
                                                    the sweat and the fear
					    laughing
	             we hike
			 back to the van
						and head into
                                                                     the city
                                                                                
                                                                        &&&

p
  i
   s
      s
	ing
at the road side
	                                  watching clouds rolling in
                                                        thinking
                                             soon the sky will be
                                                                                  p
                                                                                    i
                                                                                     s 
                                                                                       s 
                                                                                         s 
                                                                                          ing
		                                                                         Rain                                                         
                                                                &&&

                                                           ROOFTOP
          in the heat
		and darkness 
				of summer night 
                                                                                 without
                                                                          wind or moon
				i sit looking out
			onto incandescence's 
                         of realities unknown
                                                                                 the nights rhythm
                                                                                    and city’s pulse
                                                                            play across my silence
                                                                (taut like wire strings finely tuned) 			
                     my silence
                      responds
                                   to this cacophonic Jazz beat
                                         like a gyro-compass
			                                                          confined
			                                                   to this plane yet
				                                   able to assume a position
								parallel to the true direction
	white sea gull phantoms
                 slip silently
                                          through new moon darkness
		                            illuminated by city lights.

                                                                       &&&




                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

I had gone through 2 marriages and 3 businesses before i finally came to the realization that just ‘Maybe’ i might have a problem. I began this journey of ‘Recovery’(which is an ‘On-Goin’ process) in 1984 ~ now don’t get me wrong ~ it took me FOUR YEARS to GET IT! Mainly because the “Non-Sectarian” program is very clearly based on the “Christian Belief System” ~ not that there is ANYTHNG wrong with that (it has helped millions OF US into RECOVERY) ~ it’s just that, that ‘Belief System’ does not integrate very well with ZEN, Taoist Philosophy, and Quantum Physics. So i’ve been going it solo FOR 15,330+ DAYS i don’t recall the sobriety date ~ there was A LOT of chaos in the beginning as i QUIT ALCOHOL, RECREATIONAL DRUGS & SMOKING ALL AT THE SAME TIME ~ i don’t fuck around ~ “Get er Done”!

                                   THE 12 STEP PROGRAM IS A MUST

It set me on a path to recovery and gave me the “GUIDE LINES” necessary to get ‘THROUGHT’ it ~ the ‘Spiritual Path’ i developed ~ and which YOU NEED TO DEVELOP ~ gave me my guideline to sanity.

Each of us has to find our own bottom. And ‘Mindfulness’ can help.

Mindfulness makes us more aware of ‘Everything’ ~ including our pain and how it arises. When we start to pay attention in this way, we become sensitized; we feel our feelings more distinctly and more immediately.

                                                  WE ARE WAKING UP 

                     Mindfulness IS THE KEY to finding your ‘True’ ‘Self’ 
                                                   (your SOBER Self)

THIS ~ imho ~ IS THE KEY to a successful recovery and new future to a “Holistic” life path ~ in harmony with ‘GODs Will’ or The TAO ~ depending on YOUR perspective.

                                                 I will reiterate here 
                                “THE 12 STEP PROGRAM IS A MUST”

It gives us the basic guidelines THAT WORK ~ HOWEVER ~ YOU must develop YOUR own Spiritual Path that will be your guide for the rest of your days on this very small piece of cosmic debris hurtling through infinite space at thousands of miles per hour ~ with no direction of destination ~ FOREVER!

Think about that last bit the next time you feel that your ‘Personal Space’ has been violated.

We are going THROUGH this because everything involved is SOMETHING that we needed to GROK for our Spiritual Development.

I STRESS the ‘Spiritual Development’ aspect because THAT is what the WORLD is lacking ~ based entirely on Materialism and Consumerism.

You are on or are starting a new life path ‘WORK IT’!!!

Develop YOUR Spiritual Path through the chaos of this Illusion.

i was born of lust

that violent uprising

within the flesh

the product

of drunken debauchery

the condition of which

haunts my soul

and fills my dreams

with

want

it is my sickness

the foundation of my being

it inhabits my mind

it touches and disturbs me

it curls itself around me

and settles itself neatly

within the walls of my mind

and holds me with craving

there are more than just a couple

of yesterdays here and there

that succumbed to that need.

You cannot comprehend that which is beyond the mind by means of ~ The Mind. Shift ‘Awareness’ inward. Just be aware of this very moment. Focus on your breathing ~ nothing but breathing and the sound of it. Stay with it for a couple of minutes ~ then notice the other sounds in the room.

Feel your presence within the space of the room.

Keep at it until you can do it for at least a minute with no intruding thoughts. This is not done in one or two meditation sessions ~ some get it right away but most are more attached to their mind. It’s the ‘Indoctrination’ since grade one. It’s HOW we’ve been taught to think.

But once you are able to enter and maintain that ‘Thought-Free’ state of “Awareness” for some time ~ then start to become aware of awareness itself. Notice any uninitiated thoughts, the sensations and emotions that arise with or because of them. Then let them go and return your ‘Awareness’ to your awareness. Strive to ‘Abide’ in this Natural State ‘Thought Free’ from the limitations of ‘Conceptual Elaborations’. This thoughtlessness state of ‘No-Mind’ is our ‘Natural’ state of ‘Being’.

“MIND is the Tool to it’s own understanding”

If you want to understand more and deeper ~ take the time to watch this video ~ much important info here on energy utilization . . .

I am 75 ~ at 16 years of age i went through the front windshield of a vehicle at 60mph! Needless to say i AM intimately familiar with this horrible condition and have been for the last almost 60 years! Crushed the ‘Tail Bone’ ~ which has since dissolved and disappeared; fractured the bottom two vertebra; shattered my right hip; ruptured the L5 & partial L6 disk; tore and damaged nerve, muscle and tissue in the lower back. Was pronounced DOA and, after obviously being revived, was in a coma for several days. Woke up in a body cast. I have gone as far as ‘Spinal Injections’ with ‘Experimental Procedures’ but refused ‘Spinal Fusion’!!

NOTHING EVER WORKED FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!

NOTHING!!!

I was pretty much a test subject for whatever new pain pills and procedures they came up with for many years. I stopped just short of fusion ~ BECAUSE ~ EVERYBODY that had it done that “I” talked to said that it didn’t last and NEVER EVER got rid of the pain ~ in fact some of them said they were worse than before the surgery!!!

In 2009 i was at a point where i no longer thought ‘Life’ was worth living ~ and was put on ‘Morphine’ ~ which i was on until 2024. I was NEVER completely pain free on the crap unless i was blasted out of my skull! Which i hate, and so learned to live with a constant low grade ‘Chronic Pain Condition’.

“I AM NOW 100% ‘CHRONIC PAIN’ FREE”

And the absolute best ‘Side Affect’ that has changed my life the most is something that is really hard to grasp unless you have experienced it yourself. People talk about a ‘Chronic Pain’ condition they call ‘Brain Fog’. That description never applied to what i experienced every-single day-of-my-life. For me it was more like that ‘Black & White Snow’ of the old TV sets when they went off the air. My brain was constantly filled with a static that was so intense at times i simply could not think through it! Now ~ MY MIND IS CLEAR and i SEE the whole world differently! “CLEARLY”!!! It is just mind blowing for me ~ why the hell could i not have discovered this like 50 years ago???

NOW ~ what have i discovered?!?!

Are you curious?

message me ~ this is NOT A SALES PITCH ~ just want to share what i’ve discovered. AND NO the pain is NOT IN YOUR HEAD!!!

“Meditation is not a supplementary activity.

It is not mere relaxation and stress reduction.

It is a way to bring ones humanity to the fore.”

So, with all of the conversations about and around ‘Spirituality’ there is one simple thing that is never mentioned ~ do you enjoy it? Does it make you happy ~ put you in a ‘Balanced’ head space?

It is unfortunate that SO MUCH coercion, guilt, and fear are wrapped in up in our ‘Religions’ ~ why can’t we simply do things out of joy?

Practicing ‘Spirituality’ should not be a ‘Drudgery’ ~ and it certainly isn’t a matter of ‘Fear’ or ‘Guilt’! It has nothing to do with ‘Status’ (although . . .)

Deciding to base your remaining life in this ‘Illusion’ devoted to “Holiness” should be a matter of joy and celebration.

Meditation should not be a specific day of the week or hour of the day ~ it should be pure and spontaneous ~ no objective. Just be ~ ‘Aware’ & ‘Mindful’ AND be in ‘AWE’ of the wonder of being on ‘Earth’ ~ an ecological system that evolved and gave rise to YOU. Earth ~ a small chunk of cosmic debris hurtling through infinite, endless space at thousands of miles per hour with no specific direction or destination known or unknown ~ for ‘EVER’ . . .

                      Give thanks for your life and celebrate this miracle.

I do not want to rant and rave about all of the hassel i’ve had/have with them ~ that accomplishes nothing ~ THEY are not interested in resolution.

Instead, i will try to pass along some last words that i think will be insightful to ‘Your’ journey ~ some basic ‘Truths’ gleaned from the trials-and-tribulations of my stumbling down the-road-less-traveled.

I am going to leave my posts up for awhile and remove the ‘Pay Wall’ since SUBSTACK IS KEEPING YOUR MONEY AND NOT PUTTING IT INTO MY ACCOUNT

(_{I have finally managed to access the ‘Stripe’’ account and for all the YEARS that i have been on here ~ THERE HAS NOT BEEN ONE SINGLE DEPOSIT MADE INTO MY ACCOUNT!!!)}

~ until i decide what i’m going to do ~ my wife is trying to get me to try another platform ~ i just don’t know if i have the enthusiasm/energy/ or inclination to start ALL OVER AGAIN . . .

OK ~ SO ~ here are the three most important phrases in my ‘Life Philosophy’

RECOVERY + DISCOVERY = GROWTH

AWARENESS + MINDFULNESS = CONSCIOUSNESS

WE ARE CONSCIOUSNESS MADE MANIFEST

The Earth is in the midst of a complete ‘Polar Shift’ that is being downplayed ~ it is affecting not only the physical aspects of this life but seriously affecting our ‘Thoughts’ ~ Brain Wave Patterns as well.

(_{“A “polar shift” can refer to multiple distinct, unrelated phenomena ranging from sudden geological upheavals to scientific updates in navigation. The most notable current polar shifts involve the accelerating drift of the magnetic north pole, subtle changes to the Earth’s rotation, and the periodic flipping of the Sun’s magnetic field.”})- Wikipedia

RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH

THIS “i” think (researched) is the start of the next phase of our evolutionary development. Quantum Physics now says that “Consciousness” is the source of life not the other way around ~ and that “MIND” is a brain product that is actually a ‘Quantum Field’ and exists AS a Quantum Field that can be accessed much more effectively than we are doing now. This will involve using FRQs because EVERYTHING at the fundamental base is nothing but ‘ENERGY’, and energy has frequencies, AND these FRQs effect/ affect us mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically...

So ~ STOP the mental chatter ~ GET CLEAR ~ be RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW ~ FOCUSED in the present moment dealing with what NEEDS to be dealt with and not caught up in some ‘Fantasy’ that you ‘THINK’ should be happening instead of what IS happening ~ right NOW.

                                            For me THIS is the “ID” of it

(_{the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that is completely unconscious and is the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drives}) Wikipedia

THIS is what is going to save us and take us into a new future ~ IF we don’t kill ourselves off first. We have to take into consideration the physical as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of this ‘Illusion’.

Coming to “GROK” that we are ALL ONE and need to be working TOGETHER is of the utmost importance for our survival as a species ~ and if you do NOT think we are in DEEP shit ~ wake the fuck up!!! It’s NOT going to get any better anytime soon ~ in actual fact ~ there is a SHIT STORM coming. So if you have not started already ~ start stocking up on dry goods, canned goods, water, RXs ~ just think of everything that you NEED that you will not be able to have access to when the system crashes. And it is already happening ~ IT IS BROKEN ~ the old paradigms do not work anymore and we’re keeping them alive because that’s what we know.

We MUST ‘Change HOW we think’ and perceive ‘This Illusion we call reality’ and our place and responsibilities within it.

There are a couple of you on here that have come to be familiar and i am going to miss our chats and exchanges.

There is hundreds of dollars that you ‘Subscribers’ have PAID to “ME” for “MY” efforts on this platform that have NOT BEEN PUT INTO MY ACCOUNT!!! How many more is this happening to???

For those of you who CAN NOT BE BOTHERED to DEMAND your money back from substack ~ THIS is one of the MANY reasons that these fucking corporations are getting away with this shit ~ BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED to make them accountable!!!!!!!!!

02/08/26

So my stats show money coming and going from ????? WTFKW!!!!!!!

i closed the one “I” had set up and watched money slowly accumulate and used it as a ‘Savings account’ never really paid any attention to it. And then things happened and we NEEDED that money ~ I STILL DO NOT HAVE IT AND MY ACCOUNT IS FALLING AS PEOPLE WITHDRAW AND DEPOSIT (auto deposit) ??????????????

WHERE THE HELL IS THE MONEY COMING AND GOING FROM???????

The last time i exchanged emails ~ many months ago now ~ “THEY” said that i had $27 in my account and that it was CLOSED !!!! DOES THIS LOOK FUNKING CLOSED TO YOU???????

Has SUBSTACK contacted me to say that there aaahhh “MAYBE WE FOUND YOUR ACCOUNT? “ OR . . . anyway some of you are on it as there’s a lot less in there now . . .

I am writing this to inform ALL OF YOU who have made financial contributions to my blog site ~ I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOUR MONEY WENT IT DID NOT GO INTO MY ACCOUNT!!!

They are saying that my account is inactive and there is $27 sitting in it!

I have NO WAY OF VERFYING THEIR CLAIM as i can NOT access the account ~ they send me a reach our ‘CUSTOMER SERVICE” where i type in what the issues is and i get back that this is a “THIS IS A NO REPLY BOX” ~ THEN WHY SEND ME THE FUCKING LINK⁉️⁉️⁉️

I’ve been going around in circles for OVER 2 MOINTHS NOW with absolutely no help from them what-so-ever ‼️‼️‼️

PLEASE USE PAYPAL NOT STRIPE

EDIT: just received access to my Stripe Account ~ AFTER TWO MOINTHS OF TRYING TO GET THEM TO JUST RESET MY GD PASSWORD!!

anyway ~ NO YOUR MONEY HAS NOT BEEN DEPOSITED TO MY ACCOUNT

ALL OF YOU CONTACT SUBSTACK AND ASK FOR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!

                                                           Pure light
                                                         Is ALL color
                                           Only when Separation occurs
                                                    Does color appear

ALL the colors of the rainbow when entangled become pure colorless light.

Followers of The Tao strive for a ‘Returning’ ~ unification of all areas of their lives and unify all distinctions into a whole. Diversity cannot exist within unity. When we become ‘Aware’ and attain ‘Mindfulness’~ ‘Consciousness’ emerges reuniting us with The Tao ~ there is only the one colorless light ~ the source of all.

The Tao in it’s pure state embodies ‘Everything’. . . just as pure light shows no color distinction unless separated, so too is ALL existence initially latent and without differentation in The Tao.

IF somebody comes to you for help . . .

HELP THEM

if it is within your power to do so . . .

Don’t go running around looking for good deeds to do . . .

But if one comes your way . . .

Do not refuse.

What good is all of this ‘Self’ cultivation and accumulated wisdom if you keep it to yourself? Knowledge is meant to be shared and used and IF you can use it for the benefit of others, do so.

Followers of The TAO practice using 16 Attributes on behalf of others:

~ compassion, mercy, patience, gentleness, humility, reflection, seriousness, concentration, effort, controlled emotions, exercise self-control, joy, Spiritual Love, developed skills, restfulness and nonattachment.

Whenever you are in a position to HELP another struggling being, draw upon these qualities that you are developing. When you decide to HELP someone, you do not need to destroy your own piece of mind in doing so ~ as long as you can offer solace to others stumbling along beside you and you have done the best you can ~ then that is enough.

If you look closely, you might notice gray hair, slower steps, or the quiet patience that time alone can teach. But if you truly listen to our stories, you will discover something far more extraordinary. We are not simply older people moving through the final chapters of life.

We are the survivors of one of the most breathtaking transformations in human history — a generation that walked from the slow, deliberate rhythm of an analog world into the dazzling speed of a digital one without ever losing our sense of humanity along the way.

Our journey began in a very different place.

Many of us were born in the 1940s, 1950s, and early 1960s, when the scars of World War II were still fresh across Europe and Asia and the world was slowly learning how to hope again. Cities rose from rubble. Families rebuilt lives after years of uncertainty. Childhood unfolded in ways that would feel almost unrecognizable to younger generations today.

Our toys were simple: marbles played in dusty yards, hopscotch drawn on cracked sidewalks, checkers and cards gathered around kitchen tables while the smell of dinner filled the house. When the streetlights flickered on in the evening, it was the universal signal that childhood adventures were over for the day and it was time to go home.

There were no smartphones, no streaming videos, no endless scroll of digital distractions. Instead, we built our memories in the real world — with scraped knees, laughter echoing down neighborhood streets, and friendships that formed face to face, without the mediation of screens.

Music became one of the defining soundtracks of our youth. The 1960s and 1970s arrived like a wave of color and rebellion. We watched culture shift around us, carried by electric guitars and voices that dared to question the world.

For many of us, gatherings like the legendary Woodstock Festival of 1969 symbolized something powerful: the belief that peace, music, and community could reshape the future. Hundreds of thousands of young people stood together in muddy fields, listening to artists who poured raw emotion into towering speakers known as the Wall of Sound. Those concerts were not merely entertainment; they were moments when strangers felt like a single generation singing the same hope under an open sky.

Education looked different then, too. Our notebooks were filled with handwritten notes carefully copied from chalkboards. Research required patience, long hours in libraries, and stacks of heavy books rather than a quick internet search. We learned to slow down and think through ideas because information did not arrive instantly. Mistakes were corrected with erasers and ink, not with the click of a delete button.

Love carried a different rhythm as well. We fell in love while vinyl records spun on turntables and cassette tapes clicked softly inside plastic players. Music became the background to first dances, long conversations, and dreams about the future. Those relationships grew into marriages, families, and lives built step by step through the 1980s and 1990s — decades that saw technology begin to reshape the world around us.

Yet nothing compares to the bridge our generation has crossed. We are the only generation to have experienced an entirely analog childhood and a fully digital adulthood.

We remember waiting days — or sometimes weeks — for handwritten letters to arrive in the mail. We remember rotary telephones and party lines where neighbors could accidentally overhear conversations. Communication required patience and anticipation. Today, we can see the face of a loved one across the ocean instantly on a screen small enough to fit in a pocket.

The world changed in ways few could have imagined. We watched humanity land on the Moon in 1969, a moment when millions of people sat in living rooms staring at black-and-white televisions as Neil Armstrong took humanity’s first steps on another world.

We saw the rise of personal computers, the birth of the internet, and eventually the arrival of smartphones that placed entire libraries of knowledge in our hands. Machines that once filled entire rooms now exist on devices lighter than a paperback book. We moved from punch cards and mechanical tools to artificial intelligence and global networks connecting billions of people instantly. And through every shift, we adapted.

Our bodies carry the marks of the times we lived through as well. We grew up during fears of polio and tuberculosis, illnesses that once terrified entire communities before vaccines helped bring them under control. We witnessed the global challenges of pandemics and health crises across decades, including the recent silence and uncertainty of COVID-19, which reminded the world that resilience is still required in every generation.

Science itself transformed before our eyes. We saw the discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953, the decoding of the human genome at the turn of the century, and the early steps into gene therapy and advanced medicine. Transportation evolved from simple bicycles and steam engines to hybrid vehicles and electric cars gliding almost silently through city streets.

Few generations have witnessed such sweeping change. And yet, despite everything that evolved around us, certain things remain unchanged. We still understand the joy of a cold glass bottle of lemonade on a hot afternoon. We still remember the taste of vegetables picked straight from a garden. We still know the value of a long conversation that unfolds slowly without a keyboard or screen interrupting it.

Our memories stretch across decades. We have celebrated births, mourned losses, watched friends depart, and carried their stories forward. Those of us who remain share something rare: the experience of standing at the crossroads of history, holding memories from a world that younger generations know only through photographs and stories.

But we are not relics. We are living bridges. Our perspective reminds the modern world that progress does not have to erase wisdom. The speed of technology does not have to replace patience, kindness, or reflection. We remember what life felt like before everything moved so fast — and that memory carries quiet lessons worth sharing.

So when someone calls us “elderly,” we can smile. Because behind that word lies something extraordinary. We are the generation that crossed two centuries, witnessed eight decades of transformation, and walked from the age of handwritten letters to the era of artificial intelligence.

What a life we have lived. What a remarkable story we continue to carry. And if you belong to this generation, take a moment today to look in the mirror and recognize something powerful.

You are not simply growing older. You are living history. You are part of a generation that will always remain one of a kind. And perhaps, in the quietest and most meaningful way, you are becoming legendary.”

                               CLICK ON THE "WATCH ON YOUTUBE LINK"

Change HOW you SEE

And

SEE how YOU Change

When asked, “Who are you?” ~ we have been conditioned from grade one on to answer in a certain way ~ “I am” . . . and give our name, our age, our religion, job title, or our likes and dislikes etc. But these are “WHO” you have come to “BELIEVE” you are ~ how you have come to ‘THINK’ of yourself . . . NOT WHAT you actually are. . .

(WHERE you actually are is another scribble for the Quantum Realm)

This “I am . . .” is a conglomeration of illusionary ‘Concepts’ of the ‘Conditioned Mind’ ~ who you have come to ‘Believe’ you are.

Buddha said, “Life is filled with suffering” ~ this is a baseline ‘Truth’ ~ from ‘Still Births’ to dying decrypted and alone . . . virtually ALL of this suffering we experience on our journey through ‘This Illusion we call life’ ~ is a result of our misidentifying our ‘SELF’ as those concepts.

(the fact that there actually is no SELF is again another scribble . . .)

‘Who’ you are suffers ~ ‘What’ you are does not. So once you have come to the point of being able to ‘Grok’ this ‘Illusion’ for what ‘IT’ really is ~ this illusion of ‘WHO’ you think you are disappears.

is the one who is looking.”

St. Francis

If you are new or a recent pilgrim on the path to Recovery, you are in for one hell of a ride ~ IF you work ‘Your’ program. You are going to make it hard for yourself ~ your subconscious has had years of training. If you take each problem ~ and there will be more than a few ~ and just deal with IT. One-thing-at-a-time ~ sound fimillar? And when the next one comes up ~ do the same thing.

BUT ~ eventually there will be light at-the-end-of-the-tunnel. AGAIN IF YOU WORK ‘Your’ program. This will NOT be a ‘Cruse’ by any-streach-of-the-imagination! But realize that you have spent years ~ more than likely from a childhood of alcoholic/drug addict parents to set your example ~ so it IS going to take some time to separate-the-wheat-from-the-chaff so to speak.

Notice i said ‘Your’ Program. There are a general set of peramiters that MUST be followed ~ why? BECAUSE THEY WORK ~ they have gotten Tens of MILLIONS of us back on track! They are ‘The 12 Steps’. I “WORKED” them for 4 FOUR years before i ”Got IT”! It was those simple 12 steps that kept me on track. It was my ‘Spirituality’ that got me through and out the other side.

We ALL come from different backgrounds, cultures, religions, home environments ~ all of which contributes to our overall ‘Big Picture’ of the world and how it operates ~ and how we see ourselves IN it. So i’ve concluded that none of us see it exactly the same nor is there one correct way to unscramble the ‘Daze of Confusion’ that we each endured ~ thus we are each going to see the path/solution differently. And we are each going to have our own ‘Awakening’ as a result of working our way through it all.

In the beginning i tried to do JUST ‘The 12 Steps’ without step #2 ~ didn’t and ISN’T going to work that way!! From birth we were indoctrinated into a world based on ‘Materalism/Consumerism’ ~ it’s ALL ABOUT PROFIT ~ there is nothing given for ‘Service’ to our communities ~ the cities that the big corporations are in ~ they keep it ALL ~ nothing or very little is put back into the community and we are trained the same way.

SO ~ you’re going to have to change your way of thinking ~ and then SEE HOW YOU change.

Here’s a link to my scribble of my first peek under the rug.

That was my ‘First’ peek ~ like i said it took me 4 YEARS mainly because i was following my OWN PATH ~ there was a lot of trial-and-error in the beginning but i eventually figured it out. But i will not deny that there was a bit of stumbling off into the ditch a few times. But i was extreemly fortunate in that i had a temporary Native Sponsor from ther Blackfoot Tribe. When we got to step #2 “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

I flat out told him that i didn’t “BELIEVE” in any of that shit! To which he replied “Ok, we can fix that.” He and their ‘Medicine Man’ took me into the ‘Ghost Wilderness Area’ ~ an Ecological Preserve between Banff National Park and the Morley Reservation. This is where they still hold all of their sacred cerimonies ~ they put me into a ‘Sacred Circle’ for 4 days and 3 nights ~ “I” came away with a concept of a ‘Higher Power”. Here is a link to the scribble about that. . .

THAT was the beginning of the path i am now on and have been since 88.

For me it just happened, there i was just sitting and meditating watching the sunlight sparkle on the ocean surface . . .

spiritual awakening			            peace
 							     for the heart 
                                                                                                 serenity
 							                                     for the soul

                          sitting in full consciousness

                                          my eyes
                                              fill
                                       with tears

free
          of thought
                                                 sights and sounds

                                                           passing
                                        like reflection on a still pond

something   
                      HAS
             fallen into place

                                             though
                               i can not say exactly WHAT 
                                                                                        it is

There was no reasoning, no logic, no precursor of any sort ~ i was just sitting there on ‘Wreck Beach’ meditating on the sunlight sparkles on the water. I’d spent several days camping on the beach reading ‘Recovery Related’ material and trying to think through how this was all going to come together this time around ~ this was my third attempt at sobriety. I just ‘Grokked’ that it was an environmental, sociological conditioned ‘Cycle’ that had to be broken. And i “BROKE” it ~ once i saw my past for what it was and that my current direction would take me to the same place as my mother ~ so i had a vasectomy as soon as i was ‘Aware'/Awake’ enough in relation to ‘Life, the Universe, and my place in it’.

I’d been in the Christian based AA Program in the beginning but it just didn’t click for me, as there is very little in common between the ‘Christian Belief System’ and Taoist Philosophy, ZEN and Quantum Physics. So i’ve pretty much been going it alone for 43 years now with out a single slip or even wanting!!!

In the original Big Book ~ i have the clone ~ Mr. Bill says “We are 100 Recovered Alcoholics, who are no long troubled by the drink.”

THAT is where i am at today!

A man once asked an old Buddhist monk:

“How can I allow myself to feel happiness when the world is full of suffering, war, injustice, pain, and loss?”

The monk looked at him with compassion and asked:

“If your mother was sick,

would you stop eating?”

The man looked confused.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because then there would be two people suffering instead of one.”

The monk smiled.

“Exactly.”

Then he continued:

“Many people believe that carrying the weight of the entire world on their shoulders is compassion.”

“But often, it is only another form of suffering.”

The man lowered his eyes.

“But every day I see bad news.”

“I see people struggling.”

“I see cruelty.”

“And I feel guilty whenever I experience joy.”

The monk nodded.

Then he pointed toward a small flower growing through a crack in a stone path.

“Look at that flower.”

“It grows in a world of storms.”

“It grows in a world where leaves fall, animals die, and winters come.”

“Yet it still blooms.”

The man stood silently.

The monk continued:

“The flower does not ignore suffering.”

“It simply does not allow suffering to stop it from expressing its nature.”

Then the monk asked:

“If every kind-hearted person became hopeless...

who would remain to help others?”

The man’s eyes widened.

The monk continued:

“The world does not need more exhausted souls.”

“It needs more people with enough peace inside them to share it.”

“Enough hope to inspire it.”

“Enough strength to carry it.”

The man whispered,

“So being happy is not selfish?”

The monk smiled gently.

“No.”

“Selfishness is turning away from suffering.”

“Happiness is keeping your heart open despite it.”

Then he added:

“Be grateful for your meal.”

“Call your parents.”

“Help your neighbor.”

“Smile at a stranger.”

“Be kind to someone who is hurting.”

You do not heal the world by carrying all its pain.

You heal the world by reducing the pain you touch.

Tears filled the man’s eyes.

For the first time, he understood.

His happiness was not a betrayal of those who suffered.

It was fuel for helping them.

And the monk said one final thing:

Protect your inner peace.

Because a candle that burns itself out cannot give light to anyone.

                                  A peaceful heart is not escaping the world
                                                      it is serving the world 
                                       in the most powerful way possible.

Dawn and Dusk ~ Balance ~ Yin and Yang ~ delinates the measure of the day ~ a day in the life of . . .

When the moon rises, the sun sets and vice versa ~ this one of the Cycles of this ‘Illusion’. When they reach their Zenith they inevitably begin to flow into the next cycle. ALL events in this ‘Illusion’ ~ which includes ‘OUR’ plans & activities ~ follow the same cycle pattern.

It is ‘Wisdom’ to KNOW these cycles and where ‘We’ are in relation to a particular activity that we are engaged with ~ and how it relates to and affects the world around us.

TOO often people are wallowing in ‘Uncertantity’ about ‘Where’ they stand in relation to what is evolving around/from their activity. It is important to examine ~ as far as possible ~ the possible outcomes of both ‘Long Term & Short Term’ in any given situation.

We cannot either predict or control outcomes ~ but we CAN be prepared . . .

                                                                       BE
                                                                    OPEN
                                                                     AND
                                                                RECPTIVE
                                                                  TO THE
                                                              ABUNDANCE
                                                                     AND
                                                              GOODNESS
                                                       OF THE UNIVERSE

                                              Namaste ~ ALL damn day

i’ve been blessed with several of the critters we adopt as family over the years of this journey. Have ALWAYS treated them like family ~ never left them alone tied up in the yard and have developed close relationships with all of them. Several have been cats . . .

“The woman at the cat rescue said I couldn’t adopt the oldest cat unless I sat beside him ten minutes without touching him.

I thought she was being ridiculous.

I had already filled out the paperwork.

My apartment allowed pets. My landlord had signed the form. I had listed a vet, my work hours, and even the little savings I had set aside for medicine if the cat needed it.

I did not want a kitten.

I told the lady at the front desk, “I want the oldest one you’ve got.”

She looked at me like people do when they hear something sad but don’t want to say so.

Her name was Ms. Calloway. She had gray hair pulled into a loose bun, tired eyes, and a sweatshirt covered in cat hair. She had the kind of face that had seen too many animals come in hopeful and leave old.

“The oldest one?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You sure about that?”

“I’m not looking for entertainment,” I said. “I just want company.”

That was not the whole truth.

My wife, Elaine, had died nine months earlier.

Cancer took six months to do what forty-two years of marriage could not.

It separated us.

After the funeral, people came by with casseroles, cards, flowers, and soft voices. They meant well. I knew that.

But after a while, everyone went back to their own houses.

And I went back to mine.

That was the worst part.

The quiet.

The refrigerator humming.

The clock above the stove clicking.

My shoes on the hallway floor.

The empty side of the bed.

Some nights, I kept the TV on until two in the morning just to hear another human voice. I did not even care what was playing.

So I went to the rescue.

Not because I was brave.

Because I was tired of coming home to nothing.

Ms. Calloway walked me to the last room on the left.

Most of the cats were pressed against their cages, reaching, meowing, turning themselves sweet for a stranger.

But one old gray cat sat in the back corner of his kennel like he had already made up his mind about the world.

His name card said:

Bramble. Male. About fifteen. Quiet home needed. Does not like being picked up. Needs patience.

He had one cloudy eye, a torn ear, and a thick gray coat with white patches like spilled flour. He did not meow. He did not blink much. He just looked past me, like I was another piece of furniture.

“That one,” I said.

Ms. Calloway crossed her arms.

“He’s not easy.”

“Neither am I.”

“He may hide for weeks.”

“So do I, some days.”

“He won’t sit in your lap just because you’re lonely.”

That one landed harder than I expected.

“I didn’t ask him to,” I said.

She studied me for a long moment. Then she said, “Come with me.”

She took me into a small visiting room with a plastic chair, an old scratching post, and a feather toy that had seen better days.

Then she brought in Bramble.

He stepped out of the carrier slowly, low to the floor, like every inch of the room had to earn his trust.

“Sit down,” Ms. Calloway said. “Do not call him. Do not reach for him. Do not stare into his face. Just sit.”

“For how long?”

“Ten minutes.”

“With no talking?”

“With no talking.”

I almost laughed.

I was a grown man sitting in a cat room being told to behave by a woman with lint on her sleeve.

But I sat.

Ms. Calloway left and closed the door.

Bramble went under the chair across from me.

For the first few minutes, I felt stupid.

Then I felt annoyed.

Then something changed.

The room got quiet in a way my apartment was quiet.

Not empty.

Just waiting.

Bramble’s ears moved every time I shifted my foot. His tail wrapped tight around him. He gave me one slow blink, then looked away as if even that had cost him something.

I thought about Elaine.

The way she used to say, “You don’t have to fix every silence.”

I hated that she was right.

Around the eighth minute, my throat tightened.

I did not want to cry in a cat rescue. I had made it through the funeral. I had made it through cleaning out her hospital bag. I had made it through the first birthday without her.

But there I was, sitting across from an old cat who wanted nothing from me, and I broke.

I put my hand over my face.

I tried to do it quietly.

Bramble came out from under the chair.

He did not rush over. Cats do not give comfort like dogs in movies.

He walked halfway across the room, stopped, and looked at me like I was a problem he was still considering.

Then he placed one paw on my shoe.

Just one.

That was all.

And somehow, that was enough.

When Ms. Calloway came back, she saw him there.

Her face softened.

“Well,” she said. “He noticed you.”

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for crying in a rescue,” she said. “This place would fall apart if we did.”

Then she sat down on the floor.

“Bramble belonged to an older woman named Ruth,” she said. “She lived alone. He was with her since he was a kitten. When she passed, nobody in the family wanted an old cat with stiff hips and a bad eye.”

I looked down at him.

He had moved his paw, but he had not moved away.

“He’s been here almost a year,” she said. “People say they want to save an animal. Then they meet him and ask if we have younger ones.”

I knew people did that with grief too.

They liked it better when it was fresh, dramatic, easy to understand.

Old grief made people uncomfortable.

It did not perform.

It just stayed.

“Why did you make me sit like that?” I asked.

Ms. Calloway looked at Bramble.

“Because he does not need someone who wants a cat to heal him overnight,” she said. “He needs someone who knows love can be quiet.”

I took Bramble home that afternoon.

The first week was not cute.

He hid under my bed. He ignored the expensive little cat bed I bought. He knocked a spoon off the counter at 3 a.m. and looked proud of himself. He stared at me from doorways like I had moved into his apartment.

But I did not push.

I fed him.

I cleaned his box.

I sat near him and read the paper.

Slowly, he came closer.

Not all at once.

An inch here.

A nap in the hallway there.

One morning, I found him sleeping on Elaine’s old blue sweater, the one I still could not put away.

I almost moved him.

Then I didn’t.

That night, he jumped onto the bed for the first time.

He did not curl against me.

He chose Elaine’s side.

The side I still never touched.

He turned around three times, lowered himself carefully, and started to purr.

It was a rough little sound.

Uneven.

Old.

Alive.

I cried again.

But this time the apartment did not feel quite so empty while I did.

A month later, I went back to the rescue.

Ms. Calloway looked scared when she saw me walk in.

“Please don’t tell me,” she said.

I shook my head and handed her a photo.

It was Bramble asleep on Elaine’s sweater, one paw resting against my hand.

On the back, I had written:

He did not make the sadness leave. He just gave it somewhere soft to sit.

Ms. Calloway read it twice.

Then she turned away and pretended to straighten a stack of papers that did not need straightening.

Bramble is still not a friendly cat in the way people expect.

He does not come when called.

He hates being picked up.

He judges my cooking from the kitchen doorway.

But every night, he sleeps on the other side of the bed.

And every morning, I wake up to that rough little purr.

I did not save Bramble.

He did not save me.

We just stopped pretending we were fine alone.

And some days, that is the most honest kind of love there is.”

Go with the flow

Life flows, it operates in cycles ~ the seasons, day & night, the weather. When we observe ‘Nature’ we see that the ‘Completion’ of a cycle actually starts in the middle of the previous cycle and ‘New Beginnings’ evolve out of ones actions in the current cycle.

Completing a cycle ~ at whatever stage of our evolution we are in ~ means ‘Fulfillment’ ~ it means that we’ve gained some new ‘Self Knowledge’ maybe even developed some discipline over our addiction, compulsion, or obsession. AND consequently gained a new ‘Understanding’ of our ‘SELF’ and our place in this ‘Illusion’ we call life.

With each ‘Turn-of-the-wheel’ we advance a little farther along our path ~ and it will seem at times that we are NOT making ANY headway, but we free our self's a little more from the quagmire of ignorance each time we get back up. With each ‘Turn-of-the-wheel’ comes ‘Continuation’.

Turn the ‘Wheel of Life’, make full/complete revolutions. Celebrate every turning ~ complete whatever cycle you are in then move on to whatever synchronicity has entangled with your path.

Our son gave up his struggle at age 21 ~ he didn’t complete his cycle ~ 32 years ago now ~ if only i’d had the knowledge then that i have now . . . keep reading and learning ~ you never know what knowledge/wisdom gained will preclude.

                                   RECOVERY + DISCOVERY = GROWTH

Always striving to understand more of the Perfect Invisible Principal that governs ALL life.

tj

Those chaos years began to end one night in the midst of a torrential rain-storm while trying to thumb a ride from California back to “my home and native land”. The water was coming down in sheets, which solved a mystery for me as to why the curbs were almost a foot high ~ in no time the street became a stream carrying by cats, dogs, lawn chairs, garbage cans etc. In the midst of this deluge a VW micro-bus pulls up, headed up-stream like a spring salmon. The door flies open, and the driver is yelling at me trying to be heard above the sound of the rain pounding down on his little chartreuse micro bus ~ “don’t you know enough to get in out of the rain, why I got a dog smarter than you!” So, i climbed in soaked to the bone, which was about all i was having contracted “Montezuma's Revenge” south of the border and scrawny from not eating properly and from doing Clinical Grade Meth in TO. ~ looking like a drowned rat and shivering so bad i thought i’d shake myself to death.

me slightly strung-out in TO

He was headed to a Zen Center somewhere on the out skirts of San Francisco for a weekend retreat and said that i could probably stay for the night.

After much whispered conversations and bowing, i was taken to a small room in the basement. It contained a small night table with candle and a single futon neatly rolled up in a corner. I was shown where the showers were and then left to myself. After taking the longest hotest shower of my life, i slipped soundlessly back to my room only to find a heaping bowl of rice, veggies and seaweed sitting on the nightstand, which i devoured and immediately fell asleep.

I woke to the sound of a gong which turned out to be a huge Tibetan Brass Bowl. Not knowing what was going on, i went upstairs and followed a procession of robed people into a large hall. There were little round cushions on mats arranged in neat rows. I took up a position along the back wall hoping that i wouldn’t be kicked out because i was curious about all this. I had never experienced anything like it in all my young years. Here were dozens of men and women interacting in a very orderly fashion without a word being said. In fact the only sounds were the rustling of robes and the soft slap of bare feet on the wood floors. I got the general idea of what they were doing even thought i had never experienced “Formal Meditation” before. I did my best to mimic their posture but had no idea what i was suppose to do with my thoughts. An old monk in black robes was quietly moving up and down the rows, poking a student here, tapping a student there and with each correction i adjusted my own posture until i was sitting perfect with back straight, hands in lap, left in right, palm up, thumb tip touching; head slightly bent and eyes half closed ~ but still not knowing what is supposed to be going on inside. What was i suppose to be thinking, was i suppose to focus on something like a mantra (i’d heard about those and was sure that mine would be

                                                    “O-wata-goo-siam”

I guess my attention got caught up in this dilemma because the next thing i know, the old monk was standing in front of me. Once i noticed him there, he placed a hand on his abdomen and breathed in deeply, pushing the hand outward with the intake of breath, and slowly inward with each exhalation. i mimicked his breathing, to which he gave a quick smile and nod, moving on to the next student. After what seemed like an eternity, the session ended with a small gong being sounded. Everyone rose to their feet and filed out of the room, down the hall and into a large dining hall, where people started lining up for food ~ nobody saying a single word. There didn’t seem to be any room for me, seeming like everyone was making it a point to ignore me so i decided it was time to move on.

But as i turned to leave, i saw a little Tibetan man wearing a kitchen apron waving frantically at me to come to the kitchen. I went over to see what he wanted and he took me by the arm and dragged me into his kitchen, where he pushed his nose up into the air and then pointed back into the dining room. He had the funniest gap tooth smile i’d ever seen and eyes that sparkled. I smiled back and gave a little laugh at his pantomime. He patted me on the back and led me over to the big stove, dishing me up a bowl of rice, veggies and seaweed as well as one for himself. We slipped out the back door and sat on the steps eating our break-fast, in silence, listening to the birds waking up as the sky grew light with the false dawn. After all but licking the bowl clean, he took me back inside and motioned for me to put the bowl with the stack of pots and pans over at the big double sinks.

Since it didn’t look like anyone was around to do them ~ i decided i’d pitch in and get them done. A couple of hours later with the pots all washed, the kitchen clean, the old cook was grinning at me from ear to ear. I’d shortened his workload by several hours. He placed his hands together, as in prayer, in front of his nose and did a half-bow, which i returned. He then showed me out the back door, slipping a sweet treat (sesame seed, dried fruit and honey bar) into my hand and pointed toward the garden.

My overnight stay turned into 3 weeks, with my time spent reading books on Zen while sitting in the garden, meditating in the hall, washing pots and helping 'Cooky' in the kitchen, eating like i’d never had before and sleeping the sleep of “Sleeping Beauty”.

Hitchhiking from the monastery back to Canada, head filled with the wisdom of wrinkled gray haired Zen masters of eternal bliss handed down generation to generation; miraculous awareness of Buddha nature, the Zen path learned while washing dishes and sitting in candlelit incense silence. Needing solitude to unscramble the daze of drugs and dangerous ways and to contemplate this new perspective of reality, i head for home rolling along the damp foggy coastal highways of California, Oregon, and Washington, sitting in the shotgun seat of a 'Highballer' loaded with avocados bound for Vancouver where he’d turn around and head back with a load of Pacific Salmon on ice ~ while i go east into the Rocky Mountains to sit on the side of a mountain for the rest of spring on into summer and fall watching for forest fires, contemplating the dharma, the cosmos, my navel and everything in it (a little Kerouacian type prose there).

Me after tramping ‘The Road Less Traveled for 61 years (75 - 14). I was pretty much making my own decisions at 14.

‘Movement’ IS creativity ~ when we are in ‘Harmony’ with our ‘Path’~ this can mean the ability to solve problems, to compose poetry, music, painting & writing and to be able to develop ‘Unusual’ perspectives. In ALL of these, one ‘Moves’ in concert with The TAO/GOD giving intelligent ‘Counter Point’ and ‘Harmony’ to the events developing/unfolding around us in our everyday lives. Movement IS life ~ it is a fundamental philosophy recognizing that motion is the essence of existence.

The search for understanding of the ‘Mystery’ underlying the constant motion and change in this ‘Illusion’ has spawned both Physics and Metaphysics. Physics attempts to express mathematically the physical laws governing this ‘Illusion’ we live in. Metaphysics attempts to express mathematically the effects of these ‘Laws’ on human affairs in our everyday lives.

There are two fundamental ‘Laws’ underlying ‘Movement/Change’ in the universe. One is the law of ‘Polar Reversal’

(a natural planetary event where Earth’s magnetic north and south poles swap places)

Which is what is going on right now until 2030 and why there is all of the ‘Chaos’ in the world right now ~ the ‘Forces’ are out of ‘Balance’.

In ALL things are the seeds of their opposites ~ YIN & YANG.

Life carries in it’s genetic code the signals for its own decomposition ~ but every interaction also carries the seed of a subtle but exacting change/ movement (creation/composition).

The other law of Movement/Change is ‘Periodicity’.

(the tendency of events, patterns, or properties to recur at regular intervals).

These laws manifest in cycles and rhythms ~ like the stages of nature ~ it governs the stages of growth & development of ones life and character.

Ancient Philosophers were fond of comparing ‘Taoist’ behavior with that of water ~ it flows ever onward, adapting, Moving/ Changing with its environment ~ but always, it holds its ‘True Nature’ and always flows ‘With’ the forces of the cosmos ~ creating ‘Balance’ and ‘Harmony’.

Developing a ‘Path’ through these intersections of interconnections that comprise our lives is ‘The Way’~ a Harmonious and reasonable path through the ‘Trials & Tribulations’ of ‘Awakening’ to ‘Ones True Nature’ and the ‘Illusion’ we call life. A path of Least Resistance ~ living ‘Synchronistically’~ going with the flow of life as it unfolds around us and our activities.

NOW ~ although following ‘Ones Path’ implies a path of ‘Least Resistance’ ~ it is often a very difficult path to accept and follow. It requires ‘Intestinal Fortitude’ and ‘Real Commitment’. It will take the ‘Sacrifice’ of old habits & Beliefs, as well as an ‘Open Mind’ to make it through to a clear understanding.

Namaste 🙏📿

So I really try to be precise in my choice of words ~ and the word “Belief” is one i ditched early in my Sobriety because of an ‘Insight’ ~

In order to ‘Truly’ ~ “Believe” ~ IN something ~ it has to be permanent and unchanging! If it isn’t ~ and it changes, it’s not the same thing anymore, so it’s not longer WHAT you came to “Believe IN”. There is ONLY ONE Permanent Unchanging ‘phenomena’ . . . “Change IS the only constant”.

“Belief” ~ is not a fixed definition of anything ~ just like EVERYTHING in this Illusion ~ NOTHING is fixed or permanent ~ it changes with time and our comprehension of what this Illusion we live in, is comprised of. We are seeing only a tiny piece of it’s ‘Truth’ at this particular moment in time that we exist in.

I’m not saying that “Believing” is ‘wrong’ for lack of a better word ~ if you do “Believe” in GOD for example, The “Spirit of The Lord” ~ what i called ‘The Force’ and have come to ‘Understand’ as The Tao ~ is the one and only permanent Unchanging/Ever-Changing thing there is . . . it is has always been and always will be ~ but with every change in our ‘Comprehension’ ~ IT changes. WE ARE this aspect of ‘Consciousness’ ~ GOD.

I say “i do not ‘Believe’ IN anything, but strive to understand/GROK the thing, concept, idea etc as it is ~ knowing it as it is right here right now, and accepting that . . . that perspective isn’t possible for most people ~ as they want solid foundation ~ there isn’t one . . . it’s ALL in flux ~ poetry in motion.

So IF you ‘Believe’ in GOD (The Spirit of The Lord){or anything else} it is time to take it to the NEXT stage of evolution ~ your ‘Belief’ in “GOD” has got you to where you are.

The next stage is something beyond “Believing” it is ‘Understanding’ ~ IN this state of being ~ you need to GROK ‘The Spirit of The Lord’ (The Force, The Tao) becoming one with it ~ Entangled ~ united as one ~ then there is no room for “Belief” ~ there just ~ IS ~ You can no longer ‘Believe’ IN ‘it’ as you ARE it ~ you are ONE with ‘The Spirit Of The Lord’ (the Force, The Tao) . . . does this make sense?