Have you ever heard someone trying to be helpful, say “take your emotions out of it”? There is a school of thought implying that if you weren’t so emotional, you’d be able to handle the situation at hand.

But the conundrum is that we are learning that our emotions are chock-full of raw data, valuable information about what is important to us — and we fear that if we “take the emotions out of it”, we might become robotic or flat-lined. What if we extracted the emotions and then made a poor decision?

But let’s be candid - quite often it is knee jerk emotional reactions that are the cause for some pretty big blunders - and an over-reaction to a rather benign situation. We don’t have the full picture and we let our instant emotions have their way with us. We are caught on candid camera. What we fail to take into account is that emotions take time to develop.

If we think of our emotions as active ingredients for fully processing the big picture and adding context, contours, nuance and texture — we can begin to better understand how to work with them in positive, beneficial ways.

World expert on emotions, James Gross (professor at Stanford), teaches us that when we understand how emotions develop in stages, over time - and that our thoughts are driving that process — we can change how we process a situation and skillfully respond to it.

James Gross tells us that we got the order wrong: “We think it’s feeling our emotions that lead to our thoughts about an unfolding event, but it is the other way around.”

Our brains work fast and they make countless judgments that take place beneath our conscious awareness. It is our thoughts that color how we are reacting to the situation at hand.

If you want to see just how dynamic this is for yourself, think about a time when you were having a good day and then you encountered a snarky comment, spilled milk or a traffic jam. On that day, were you able to bypass a big emotional reaction and handle the situation with ease?

Yet on another day, the very same situations can unfold and you find yourself yelling at the kids, taking that comment so personally, and laying on your car horn.

The situations are benign. How you reacted or responded to the same situation varies depending on how your thoughts interpreted them. Your interpretation is subject to change — and depends on the thoughts you are having - in that moment.

Dr. Ellen Langer, author of The Mindful Body, has been counseling us to pay attention to variability for this very reason. She humorously invites us to be mindful of how much we do actually vary in the way we can handle or not handle any given “benign” situation. We vary day to day - and sometimes, moment to moment.

And it is not our emotional state - it is all those unconscious thoughts live-streaming in our heads that is actually orchestrating the chain of events.

Here’s another little experiment you can try. Recall a recent situation where you read a bolded, all caps, news headline and jumped to a conclusion. Be honest about your emotional reaction to that salacious headline — Did you feel some rage or disgust? Did you make a snap judgment flavored with confirmation bias? Then, over the course of the next few days, you found yourself re-thinking that news story because the backstory developed. It took time, but eventually the pieces of the puzzle came to the forefront and now we had “the rest of the story”. Suddenly what we overreacted to turned out to be rather benign. Or at the very least, much more understandable and relatable.

Professor James Gross and Dr. Ellen Langer are giving us something extraordinary to work with — our common sense, our self-awareness, our agency. It’s willpower. Will you use your personal power to engage differently with your thoughts.

Using those two real-life examples that I have asked you to reflect on, you can see that stepping back and reassessing an unfolding situation by re-thinking or reframing will quite automatically have your brain processing in a completely different and empowering way.

Dr. Ellen Langer shares just how simple this brain trick is — all you need to do is look at a benign situation from a variety of angles. What would this situation look like from the other side, from the top down, from 300 feet back or two inches up close and personal.

Professor James Gross instructs us to engage with our thoughts first - not our emotions. What are you thinking about?

In his book, Build the Life You Want, Arthur C. Brooks suggested that we substitute a different emotion for the one we are feeling if we have a strong desire to “feel differently” about a situation we find ourselves in. That was a baby step in the right direction - but now we know that we just got the order wrong. Instead of trying to substitute a better emotion, we could engage our thoughts in a way that brings the better emotional responses to us.

Try this experiment: If you find yourself emotionally triggered about a snarky comment or a broken coffee cup, catch your thoughts about it. Are you short-fused and angry? Or is this a day, when those things roll off your back like water off a duck?

Catch yourself thinking and making up a story about something as benign as a minor accident or slip of the tongue.

As soon as you think up a story, your emotions will spill out like a box of Crayola crayons and you’ll be coloring your experience. Are you reaching for all the greys and moody blues? Or are you little Miss Sunshine and using pastel yellows and rainbow hues?

Play around with the thoughts you are having. This will be a huge pivot for showing up more consistently in your daily life, and with a lot less emotional reactivity.

Our thoughts get processed so fast and without much self-awareness. We might spend a lot of time questioning our emotions but rarely do we ask ourselves if the story we are telling ourselves is really true.

Dr. Ellen Langer tells us that most situations are quite benign. It is what we make of them that causes us the most trouble.

Dr. James Gross concurs and reminds us that the unfolding situation is objective reality.

Use your candid camera to see your situation more clearly.

At the end of every Finding Mastery podcast, Dr. Michael Gervais reminds his audience that “no one does this work alone”. He pulls on two threads for this remarkable reminder that we don’t go it alone. One is from his years of experience as an elite sports psychologist where it is crystal clear that coaches, trainers and mentors are essential for achieving big goals. And the other is from his personal life.

When he and his high school sweetheart, Lisa were just a few years into their marriage, they were struggling to keep their relationship together. They sought couples counseling and were a few sessions in, with very little real progress being made, when their therapist had them face the truth: “You are going to do this work and you can decide if you want to do it alone, or if you want to do it in partnership. Who do you most want to do this work with?” Dr. Mike and Lisa looked at each other and knew in that every moment that they wanted to do it with each other. No one else.

We now know that when we are in relationships with others, it is a fast track to our own self-discovery and ultimately our self-improvement. Others can bring out both the best and worst in us — and that’s the secret sauce. What is getting mirrored back to you that reveals where some work must be done?

What Dr. Gervais’s couples counselor knew for certain was that Mike and Lisa would bump up against the same issues for self development regardless of the partner. They could have gone their separate ways and still have had the same issues, just a different partner reflecting back the truth of where there was room to grow.

Adam Grant, the organizational psychologist and author of the new book, Vibe, tells us that the fastest way to deeply learn something is to teach it. Ironic isn’t it that so many professors and seasoned sports coaches get a fresh start effect every time a new student shows up in the classroom or the field. A teacher, coach or mentor absolutely lights up at the opportunity to impart their wisdom to an eager, motivated student. An intuitive, highly self-aware coach or mentor knows that they too will gain incredible knowledge from the relationship. You’ll often hear a coach or mentor tell a young student that they gain as much from the novice as the beginner is getting from the seasoned expert. This drives home the point Adam makes — the mentor or coach gets to deepen their knowledge and wisdom in an extraordinary way - by working with new students. We each bring something of great value to this process of teaching and learning.

One of the powerful relationship tools that we have at our disposal is to let others “borrow” the belief that we have in them - and most especially at a time when they have more self-doubt than self-confidence. To me, this is one of the key ingredients for doing our self-development work in tandem.

It is the organic give and take in our relationships that fosters supporting each other, in real time, with clean lenses to reflect with honesty and a committed desire to help each other do better, get better at navigating all the stuff life will dole out.

We often think we know our partners, our kids and even our friends so well. Yet how well do we really know ourselves? What if we were to swap notes, with an open mind and a willingness to be coached and mentored from someone who loves us?

Dr. Michael Gervais gets this teamwork concept so well. He sees the positive compounding effects of having coaches, mentors, trainers and teammates supporting you through thick and then to bring out the best in you. Everyone is personally invested in the development process.

And for the record, Dr. Mike knows this on a deeply personal level as well. There was no one other than his high school sweetheart, Lisa — that he wanted to do his personal growth and self development work with. He will share with candor that they knew it would be challenging, they knew they’d hit rough patches and they’d knew that somedays, one partner would have to be pick up the slack for the other. But they were a committed team. They loved each other and were 100% on board with recognizing they both had much room to grow — and that work is facilitated faster within a caring team.

What I know from my own personal experience with self-discovery and personal growth over 15 years of being proactively invested in it, is that I have made the most significant and sustainable progress when I had some help. Most of my support came from friends who were also committed to a re-invention and an eye toward their aspirational self.

We found each other out here on a trail that was blazed by people who were in the trenches: Brene Brown, Dr. Michael Gervais, Dr. Marc Brackett, Dr. Becky Kennedy, Mark Manson, Adam Grant, Simon Sinek, Angela Duckworth, Dr. Ellen Langer - and so many others. These powerhouses have now paved the way for us. Self-knowledge and a commitment to working towards becoming our aspirational self is now mainstreamed. There are so many like-minded folks on the road to success.

Find a study buddy. Get a coach or mentor. Create your own support group of friends and family members. We don’t do this work alone — we fast track it when we work together.

Most of us are familiar with David Foster Wallace’s infamous commencement speech where he told the tale of two young fish swimming along rather mindlessly when they swim by an older fish headed in the opposite direction. The older fish greets the younger ones and asks “How’s the water, boys?”

The two young fish look at each other with puzzled expressions but continue on. Eventually one raises the question: “What’s water?”

It was May, 2005 when David Foster Wallace used a parable to call our attention to mindfulness, to paying attention to how we are simply swimming along in our lives without any real awareness of why and how we show up in life. We are who we are, we do what we do.

There was a bigger seed being planted as well — how is the current social culture in which you are swimming — pulling you along without your knowledge? It seeps in and shapes you in ways that you never dreamed something as benign as water could do.

Just stop for a moment and think about how you think about water. We don’t think water has the same impact as a boulder or a fire. Yet, water has remarkable powers that have a big effect on both. Water douses a fire quite quickly. And water smooths rough edges and shapes a boulder resting in a riverbed, a little at a time, over time.

And so it is with our prevailing social culture. If we aren’t aware of its influence, we will be shaped by it without any resistance on our part. We are as helpless as both the fire and the boulder being impacted by water.

In David’s poignant parable, the elder fish is swimming against the current when he greets the young pair of fish. He is doing so rather effortlessly and with intention. But this part of the story often goes unnoticed and undiscussed.

What did that elder fish know that the younger ones had not yet discovered? What if they had turned around and swam back to find him? Would they have noticed how difficult it was to swim against the current, and would they have been slightly embarrassed that they had to work so hard while that older fish seemed to do it so effortlessly?

This is the pivot point of that parable — those boys should have turned back and sought out the wisdom that the elder fish had to impart.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the effects of prevailing social culture recently. From my vantage point in my 7th decade, I have lived through many iterations of social culture. Like those young fish, in my 20’s and 30’s, I too just swam mindlessly along it all - without ever questioning what’s water and how it was shaping me.

I blindly accepted stereotypical gender roles, prevailing parenting tips, some pretty wild medical advice, and limiting beliefs forged in present day context that prevented me from seeing what was on the other side. A mental beaver dam, built from strategically placed branches to keep me in my place.

Isn’t it ironic that we cannot wait to launch ourselves into adulthood when we are 18 or a little older because we crave the freedom to live our lives the way we want to, without limitations and so much freedom of choice. Yet we jump headfirst into the water and let the prevailing social culture have its way with us. We float along, without a care in the world, not conscious at all that it is shaping our worldview.

The stuff I actually believed and bought into when I was in my 20’s and 30’s is absolutely laughable now. For example, when I went into premature labor with my first baby, I called the obstetrician on a landline phone, who reviewed my chart, panicked that I was 8 weeks from my due date and told me to have a stiff drink and that should do the trick. He suggested a screwdriver - which was vodka and orange juice. Let’s be realistic — that was considered the norm back in my day. (A) that a young woman would actually have orange juice and vodka as staples in her home and (B) that alcohol was a safe and healthy relaxer!

That story alone should be enough to serve as a wake up call for prevailing social culture and norms that we blindly accept, never challenge and rarely even have a second thought about.

How is the water?

I think about our present social culture and what’s been normalized a lot these days. It is because I have lived through so many shifting social cultures throughout my lifetime. I am more keenly aware of how they shaped me as I was becoming an adult, when I was parenting infants and toddlers, then later teens and now, middle-aged adults. I am a seasoned grandparent who can see quite plainly how the present day social culture is impacting my grandkids who range in age from 3 - 13. It dawns on me that I have become the elder fish swimming against the current, and asking all the younger fish I pass by — how’s the water?

I tell the tales of my lived experience with social cultures that shaped me often without much pushback. I share the pattern and evolution of social cultures that I have contributed to, then challenged and eventually broke free from. I am swimming against the current with less effort and greater awareness.

But instead of swimming by others who are going along with the prevailing social culture, I am luring them to wake up and become more self-aware, more intimately and intentionally involved with their lives. I encourage them to test the waters and see if the ecosystem is healthy and empowering. I challenge them to pause and give serious consideration to what we’ve normalized. Is it normal, does it really make sense knowing what we know today?”

Whenever I want to invite a story about examining our current social culture, I tell that wild tale of a screwdriver. Today I would most certainly advise a young mother to have a tall glass of cold water and not a screwdriver. Be careful what you are taking in from today’s sometimes toxic prevailing social culture.

If you want the best vantage point to see where you are headed in life, consider Aiko Bethea’s scenic lookout point. Look forward to what you most want your life and relationships to look and feel like. Then look back to assess how you got where you are today in your life and those important relationships. Lastly, look around. What choices and impact are you having today on your life and relationships? Are your actions and daily impact pointing you in the right direction?

Aiko Bethea has a rare gift for shifting us fast into what would benefit us the most. She can reframe a situation faster than a skilled carpenter. She can offer an expansive, updated definition for an old term that literally turns the concept inside and out and supersizes its potential.

And this is the magic that she offers when it comes to taking stock of our lives.

Instead of simply looking back and pining for what we do not have now, we should begin by looking forward and imagining what it is we want most. How do we want our lives and relationships to look, feel and be working?

Imagine you are looking out at the distant horizon and seeing yourself living your best life. A smile may stretch across your face as you gaze at your future aspirational self moving with greater ease and more joy through the expansive landscape. Who is out there with you? How much have they grown and flourished too? What skills and tools that you were once so clumsy with now now showing up with dexterity?

We already know that without a lot of prodding, we do imagine our future self as having more time, more freedom, more fun, and great relationships. But we usually just take a passing glance at our future aspirational self. Aiko urges us to pull over and spend some quality time gazing out into that scenic vista.

Look forward. Get very clear on where you want to go and what you look and feel like when you are living your best life, the one you are working towards today.

This is a really good time to reach into your backpack and pull out Emily Fleck’s book, What We Value. The reality is that in the hustle and bustle of our present daily life, we are often making short term calculations that don’t move the needle. Those short term calculations ease immediate discomfort and friction, but we stay stuck as a direct result.

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, reminds us that we have to cast votes daily and consistently for our future self if we want to make real forward progress.

Aiko pulls on threads from both of these books and teachings to remind us that when we are gazing forward into the future we are marching toward, it is essential to remind ourselves of where we are going and why. What matters most to you — and are you making good decisions each and every day that get you closer to that goal? What is the impact of your choices, interactions and baby steps today?

Look forward and see quite clearly what you envision for your aspirational self. Where will you most appreciate the better decisions you make today and tomorrow? This will underscore the importance of making those longer term calculations a part of your current daily life decision making.

The next part of the process is to look back. Look back and see how far you’ve come. Whether you did it by design or default, you have definitely come a long way. Life carries us along much like a river. We can sink, swim, fight it and try to go upstream, or ride the currents and see where we end up. Like it or not, here we are.

How did you get here? Who and what helped you? What worked, what didn’t? When did you course correct?

Aiko reminds us that looking back is a fascinating part of the self-discovery process. It is only with some hindsight that we can see more clearly how we have been shaped by life, by other people and our experiences. We can map out the trailheads we explored, the pivot points that stopped us in our tracks and had us reassessing in a meaningful way. We can see where we created chasms in our relationships, get snagged on jagged edges, gave up too soon (when we much closer than we realized).

Looking back is not intended to saddle us with regret and remorse, but rather to reveal to us how we can do better. Some self compassion should be applied liberally to remind us that we were doing the best we could with the information we had at hand and the resources we had at our disposal. When we know better, we can do better. That’s the foothold and the clear observation we gain from looking back.

The third step is to look around. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and long exhales. Feel your feet firmly on the ground and imagine roots growing into the ground underneath you. Now do a full 360 and look all around.

You can’t go back and change your past. You can learn from it.

You aren’t in the future — yet. But you are making investments in it by how you show up and what you decide today. Make better choices by assessing the longer term benefits of doing so. Begin to stay with discomfort and friction as a part of your daily practice so that those value calculations you make in the heat of the moment yield the future results you want most.

Spend a little time with an older mentor or coach. Ask them what they have experienced and learned from looking back over their lives. What has hindsight revealed to them? Listen to their rich stories of a pivot point that changed their lives in meaningful ways. What do they see when they gaze out at their future now, from this vantage point of so many decades under their belt?

Sometime in the next week or so, pull over at that scenic vista that is your own life. Look forward - into the horizon where your aspirational self is making the most of all that you’ve been planting. Then look back - and see how far you’ve come - and what you learned along the way. Lastly, look around and realize that you have the power and the tools to be proactive, intentional and visionary. Build the life you most want.

Like most people, I have been consuming a lot of Dolly Parton’s wisdom over these past few days. For some unknown reason, a common thread kept rising to the surface — Dolly’s take on regret. During one interview, she laughed with pure honesty about her take on regret. It is simply an opportunity to acknowledge that you didn’t know what you didn’t know.

Sweet and simple advice. Just like the woman herself.

I have heard Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift both share that Dolly’s words of wisdom about the power of regret had tremendous staying power. The kind that has guided them both in their choices in life.

The salient nugget in Dolly’s advice is that when we go back and revisit a past experience, we can acknowledge who we were at that time, what the information was that we had at hand - and we can be generous with ourselves in validating that we were in fact doing the best we could at that moment in time.

Dan Pink, author of the Power of Regret, tells us that what we learn from regret is what we value most. Let that sink in for a few minutes.

Then, add Dolly’s wisdom.

Each mistake we make, each regret — is simply a stepping stone to a clear understanding of who we wish to become and how we might do better in the future. Making mistakes is a very organic part of our learning process. If we made no mistakes, we’d be clueless about what matters most to us. We’d really believe we know it all.

Dolly makes it sound so easy. Probably because she was incredibly well practiced in the process of learning from her mistakes, picking up the pieces and building from there. She built her life around this transformational process.

Try this little experiment — take that walk down memory lane and reflect on something you did when you were in your 20’s or 30’s. Validate that you really didn’t know everything. What would you tell your younger self that might inform a decision or action you made back then? Then be really honest — would you have taken that advice from a parent or grandparent — or would you have resisted it (saying to yourself “they don’t know anything!)

The road of life is paved with small stepping stones of regret. When things don’t turn out quite like we planned, we course correct.

I love Dolly’s wisdom for there is so much grace and compassion packed into it. “You did the best you could with the information you had at that time.”

It reminds me of Brene Brown’s B.I.G. acronym:

Brene once told the story of an interaction she had with a conference roommate who was in defiance of the no-smoking policy in the hotel room, eating a gooey sticky cinnamon bon and wiping her hands on the sofa without a second thought. Brene was horrified and judgmental. And her nervous system was triggered in very visceral ways. It was a week later, when she recounted the story to her counselor and was coached about judgment vs. curiosity, that Brene made a giant leap in her own personal growth — and then ultimately shared it with us. It was the birthplace of this acronym and some very solid life advice. How can we be generous in our assumptions about others? Brene’s counselor asked her if she thought that her roommate just might have been doing the best she could at that time?

We don’t know the backstory, but what if smoking cigarettes and devouring a warm sticky cinnamon bun were coping mechanisms? What if the freedom of being in a hotel room, letting her hair down had her absolutely clueless about the common house rules?

What we know about Dolly and how she lived her life was that she steeped herself in generosity - and gave others the benefit of the doubt. She knew from her own past experience that sometimes people really are doing the best they can in the moment, with the information or big feelings that they have at hand.

In the closing chapter of her book on being anchored and aligned with our core values, Aiko Bethea writes about the power of revisiting our past, with an eye towards how we’ve grown over time. It is less about chastising ourselves for dumb decisions and stupid mistakes and more about measuring our growth.

The most insightful nugget of wisdom that Aiko offers is that our regrets (regardless of their size), is a part of a natural integration of slow, positive change.

Let that sink in. I guarantee that you will begin to feel good about how your regrets have in fact informed and guided you to the very person you are today.

• Did you ever say to yourself, “I’ll never to do that again?”

• Have you offered advice to your child about not riding a bike barefoot?

• Did you stop drinking or smoking because it was wrecking your health?

• Did you throw good money after bad?

• Did you double down once too many times and then realized you’d painted yourself into a proverbial corner?

There is a heaping dose of Dolly in Brene’s acronym for living B.I.G. It is generosity. Extending grace and generosity to yourself and others by validating that every one of us is doing the best we can, with the information we have at hand, at the time we are making our choices. And most of time, we are operating with less than self-awareness than we realize.

Brene teaches us setting and holding boundaries is a life skill that requires daily practice so that when we need guardrails the most, we can access them easily. It is not about putting the choice and action on others. Boundaries are the choices and actions we will take to stay in alignment with what matters most to us.

This is such a game-changer in how we conduct ourselves and interact with others. We spend far too much time waiting for someone else to change. We acquiesce, we go along to get along, we fire off some empty threats, or we leave without ever saying why.

Aiko Bethea emphasizes the integrity piece of Brene’s BIG acronym. It is when we are making informed decisions that align with our core values. It is much easier than we make it. However, we are working our way towards defining the two most compelling core values with each and every regret. Each regret teaches us something about what matters most to us.

When we are young and finding our way through life, we are experimenting and making discoveries. Of course we will make mistakes and have regrets. It won’t be til much later, when we reflect with more generosity and curiosity, that we extract the wisdom.

Each regret is simply a stepping stone. It helps us gain clarity about who we are becoming, if we are making choices that align with our aspirational self, or if we are willy nilly about them.

In her book, Aiko says that “revisiting things from our past means we are not letting them fade away, but integrating them into who we are and what our transformative life looks like.”

Once again, Aiko uses better language to help us extract valuable life lessons and pivot points. We are not ruminating about regrets. We are composting in a rich, organic way by revisiting who we were and the choices we made with the information we had at hand.

When you revisit your past, use Brene’s BIG acronym to reframe that walk down memory lane. Be generous with your younger self, look for context clues that were revealing what mattered most to you and factor in how much you were operating without self-awareness and only budding tiny sprouts of your core values.

Observe Your Patterns of Habits from a Fresh Perspective

In her latest book entitled Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, the dynamic coach Aiko Bethea tells us that we should try to see an old familiar pattern or habit in a brand new way.

It does require us to push through some organic inertia to do this, but we can grin and bear it. We would do this if we out running and wanted to push past discomfort to get into that flow state. We would do it we wanted to power through a challenging project and put that last screw in the Ikea desk.

And - we can push through a little internal discomfort to see and feel an old pattern in a new way.

Do you find yourself really disciplined about healthy snacks throughout the day, but all bets are off in the evening?

Do you find yourself picking a fight because it’s a surefire way to get the attention you most crave?

Do you stomp out of the room when tension rises because you avoid conflict like the plague?

Have a little fun with this awareness exercise that Aiko Bethea suggests. Look at your “go to” patterns of behavior with fresh lenses -- can you see and feel something new?

“If someone were to take an instamatic snapshot of one of your habits or “go-to” behavioral patterns, and hand it to you right then and there — what would you see?

Would you be rather astonished to discover that you are doing the thing that annoys you the most in others?

Would you be surprised to discover that you aren’t quite as disciplined and consistent as you imagine you are?

I've noticed that I am really disciplined in the mornings, when my body budget is filled up. I can hold myself accountable to healthy eating, good use of my time, and sticking to tasks. But when I feel drained, need a break and my body budget is running on fumes - I will eat cookies, mindlessly scroll and let my mind wander instead of paying attention to the task at hand.

Aiko's suggestion has me paying more attention to when I slip up - out of habit.” — Amy Davis, your Trail Coach

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Do you jump to conclusions?

Most of us have been prone to jumping to conclusions from time to time. Only to discover later that we did not have all the facts, or some very relevant context clues.

I remember in Atlas of the Heart, where author Brene Brown, told the story of a photo of Serena Williams that looked like she was screaming in anger. That was a prime example of jumping to conclusions. Brene loved to stun her Ted Talk audiences with the reality check that Serena was actually jubilantly celebrating a victorious win. You could hear a pin drop as the audience gasped, squirmed in their seats and on a dime shifted their perspective.

Jumping to conclusions have turned out to be very wrong.

In her book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable - author Aiko Bethea (and one of Brene Brown’s best friends) talks quite openly about how often we are prone to jump to conclusions. Aiko reveals that we often rely too heavily on our past experiences and confirmation bias, to make a quick assumption. We “jump” to a conclusion, creating a narrative that plays out like a very predictable re-run in our head.

Ironically enough, it is “jumping to conclusions” that leads to stereotypes, othering (us vs. them) and putting people in boxes.

Aiko offers a solution - a look before your leap practice that prevents jumping to conclusions, which are often wrong. First, take a pause and recognize that you are about to make a quick judgment. Are you feeling enraged or self-righteous? Tap the brakes and take a long deep breath. Can you shift your mindset from one that is rigid and judgy to one that is open and curious?

Remember that Dr. Ellen Langer tells us that what people do makes sense to them. If you get as curious as kid, you will find it much easier to get inquisitive and eager to learn context, a different perspective and some backstory.

Instead of jumping to conclusions - leap into curiosity and an insatiable desire to learn.

“One of the most insightful ways to break the habit of jumping to conclusions is to reflect on a friendship you now have with someone — and recall how little you actually knew about them at first. Did you jump to some conclusions after a first impression? When was that conclusion challenged? Was it when you out for lunch and you saw how your friend treated a flustered waiter? Was it when you discovered you had a mutual friend? Could it have been when your new friend shared a lived experience that gave you a window into their backstory? One of the most delightful aspects of friendship is gathering more context over time and discovering through curiosity just how remarkable people really are.”

—Amy Davis, your Trail Coach

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I’ve been so guilty of jumping into action fueled by the notion that there is a real fire to put out — a false sense of urgency. A text message bubbles up on my phone and suddenly I feel called upon to respond to what appears to be a 3-alarm fire. But is it really?

In her latest book, Aiko Bethea weaves this thread of “false sense of urgency” through every story she shares to reveal to us just how prevalent it has become. We rush in where angels fear to tread, to solve a problem we know very little about.

Aiko reminds us that in this digital age, we have been primed to be so action-oriented that we rarely stop to ask ourselves some poignant questions. We douse a fire fast and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done, only to discover later it was actually a spark of ingenuity, a much needed glowlight, or the source of some warmth.

We put out a fire that wasn’t a problem and created a bigger issue instead. We over-reacted and sprung into action without doing any real investigation.

We just assume a false sense of urgency.

It happened to me just yesterday. I had been out to lunch with a friend and as I drove her home, a text alert popped on to my car’s digital screen. I noted that if it had been from Cozy Earth, I would have disregarded it completely from my mind. But it was from someone that might need me. Try as I may to ignore it, I could feel the urge to read it and assess its content. After saying goodbye, I read the text. And yes, I got totally caught up in a false sense of urgency. I was just about to spring into action, when I recalled Aiko Bethea’s insights — and I stopped in my tracks. Was this really a 5 alarm fire that needed my immediate attention, or was I all too eager to resolve discomfort and uncertainty without having much needed context?

What I can tell you for sure is that I saw very clearly for myself in that moment that I am well trained at springing into action when I sense urgency. I took this experience as an opportunity to be a keen objective observer. An unbiased third party.

I could feel my nervous system sending some little shock waves through my body as I read the text. How curious - just reading words on a flat screen caused my body to have a well-trained reaction. Is this how the dog feels when she sees my hand reaching for her shock collar remote? She knows that surge is coming and she responds by behaving before I ever click the button. That very image had me laughing out loud. I am Pavlov’s dog.

I have no way of knowing for certain what energy, emotions or need is actually being expressed in that text. For all I know, the sender is laughing. But my interpretation is that there is an emergency, someone is in distress and I can fix the problem fast.

I was just about to hit the panic button.

But Aiko’s words echoed in my head and I stopped before taking action. I said out loud to myself: “You are in the midst of feeling a false sense of urgency. This is a chance to retrain yourself, Amy”.

Aiko recognizes that this false sense of urgency is so prevalent for all of us these days, that we need some serious intervention. It begins with unlearning. This is the retraining pivot. We have to stop in our tracks when that visceral feeling of a false sense of urgency surges through us. We have to get very curious about what we don’t know, yet. We need to become investigators before we become extinguishers.

The reality is that quite often our buttons are getting pushed.

Just like the dog who senses I might send a little shock to get her attention, I anticipate what might be going on and I could overreact, based on all my past experiences. I treat something as it is an emergency, when in fact it is rather benign.

It dawns on me as I am sitting in my car that as a lifelong (and now reforming) fixer, rescuer and people-pleaser, I have a certain amount of inner pride in being the Florence Nightingale of small emergencies. And I can acknowledge that I am not actually helping others learn to take care of their own business.

What really caught me off guard though was just how long my own nervous system remained buzzing with that sense of urgency. Again, I laughed out loud - and since laughter completes a stress cycle, I felt my body relax and the tension ease. I felt my feet on the floorboard (some salience that grounded me in the present moment) and I took a few deep breaths. OMG - I was letting a rather benign text message put me on high alert, draw me into a false sense of urgency and clearly, I could have easily over-reacted. I brought myself back to reality. I was so grateful to be grounded and clear-minded.

As I shared, all throughout Aiko’s book entitled Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, she shares very familiar stories of how we all succumb to a false sense of urgency. We do this at home when we are rushing around in the morning, fearful of being late for work. We do it at work in a group meeting when someone lobs an issue into the conversation that can derail the momentum on a real opportunity at hand. We fall prey to it when we are deeply focused and a ding on our phone distracts us and pulls us far away from the task at hand.

Aiko tells us that a false sense of urgency is so compelling that it can feel like an out of body experience. I observed this quite viscerally yesterday when my nervous system was activated. And because collectively, we’ve all been operating like this for eons, we jump into action instead of pausing.

Those false senses of urgency are some of the best places to practice pausing and pivoting. They will spring up multiple times throughout a normal day. When they do, we can stop in our tracks and remind ourselves to untrain, unlearn. We don’t know what we don’t know. Is this a five alarm fire, or a small distraction? Is this a raging wildfire or the spark of a new idea and better way?

Perhaps the biggest takeaway for me personally yesterday was recognizing that my body has been well-trained to overreact to someone else’s perceived emergency. You think by now I would know for certain that not everything is truly a 12 on a scale of 1 - 10 level of importance. I can level set myself BEFORE I assume a sense of urgency. It might be false.

Aiko has opened my perspective up to understand that a false sense of urgency is in fact a well-honed learned behavior. It is a habit I fall back into when I stop being curious and self aware. A Pavlov dog response to resolve for my own activated nervous system BEFORE I assess if I am dealing with a real emergency.

If you want to retrain yourself not to be so reactive, use life’s little moments of a false sense of urgency to practice being an investigator, a third party observer. Pause first, calm your nervous system and then assess the real level of perceived urgency.

I can tell you from personal experience that when you lose someone who has shaped your life in the best possible ways, you will do all you can to hold on tight to the light. The biggest fear you have is that the abundant everyday goodness that fed your soul will slowly slip away. How will you ever find your way without that person’s light, loving kindness and wise counsel?

I am reflecting on this feeling that was ever present for all of us throughout Dolly Parton’s life. Even though she was not an active participant in our daily lives, what she put out into the world had massive ripple effects. Dolly had impact and she knew it. She was diligent about that rare combination of her intentions, her values and her actions being in alignment. It is why all the news reports sum her up as a universal unifier.

Dolly is a stand-out in our current polarized culture. Regardless of the many self-sorting practices we put ourselves through, Dolly was welcome to all.

Just last week during the Curiosity Shop podcast, Brene Brown and Adam Grant asked a very deep question: Is it possible for us as a society to truly belong without “othering”.

If only Dolly had been on that podcast. She would not only have been living proof that the resounding answer is “yes”. She would have the most creative, empathetic and compelling stories from her own lived experiences to serve up as proof positive.

Dolly belonged everywhere. She belonged to all of us. She did not “other” anyone.

Look around - you see an abundance of people grasping for her dynamic unifying spirit not to slip away. We are missing her deeply - and for good reason. We need her more than ever and we are not ready to let go.

If Dolly is looking down on us from her heavenly perch, I assure you she feels quite confident that we’ve got this. Sometimes it takes missing to see what we had.

For eight decades, Dolly was a technicolor example of how to be your full authentic self, living large and loving every minute of it. Dolly had that rare ability to take up all the space she needed to be her full, creative, dynamic self yet never dim the light or cramp the space for someone else. There was always enough for everyone. And she proved that no matter what — we too are enough. No matter the humble beginnings.

Dolly spread love, she slathered it like butter on warm toast. She was so generous. She lived in great abundance. There was always enough to go around.

One of Dolly’s core values was acceptance. Live and let live. She could do this so easily, with a natural compassion and curiosity. No reason to let someone’s differences divide — she viewed diversity and difference as a multiplier. A common denominator for humanity — we all experience the world differently yet a single song she composed from her own experience touched the very core of all of us. No wonder Dolly found it so easy to be so accepting.

That was her extraordinary gift. She composed from her heart and soul. She gave us songs that revealed how much common ground we share.

How many of us listened to “I Will Always Love You” yesterday? How many women cued up “9 to 5” and told stories to our adult kids and grandkids that they never knew about our own work experiences in the ‘80’s? How many generations know the lyrics to Jolene and belted them out in the kitchen last night?

I listened to Michael Smerconish offer his tribute to Dolly yesterday. He noted that Dolly’s rise occurred during a time when our social culture was actually a monoculture. Long before streaming platforms, we were all watching TV - together in our living rooms with family and friends - connecting through the shared experience of watching M.A.S.H.

Here is an excerpt from his daily newsletter today:

Monoculture is our shared story. The thing everybody saw. In 1983, the finale of M*A*S*H drew a 77 share. Seventy-seven percent of every television in use in America was tuned to one channel. That country is gone. This year, roughly 95 of the 100 most-watched telecasts were sports. We no longer have a national conversation. We have 340 million private ones.

It is a fascinating correlation that M.A.S.H drew a 77% share of viewers in the early ‘80’s and that very recently it was noted that Dolly Parton had a 77% percent rating when it came to a singular person that we could all agree on. Ponder that — 77% of us in this country agreed that Dolly Parton was an extraordinarily good human.

Kenny Rogers noted a few years ago that Dolly Parton was one of those rare people who truly was the same person no matter the stage she was on. She was the same person reading books to children in a hometown library that she was when performing center stage with people whose careers were lifted up by her. We do not have many characters these days who demonstrate that kind of authenticity and consistency.

All that oppo-research that has become second nature these days, reveals that most people are not living their values consistently in every arena of their lives.

Dolly’s loss comes at a time when some serious self-reflection and course correction would do us good. Whatever we each miss most about the iconic, authentic Dolly Parton, is what we can each bring to the table now.

Dolly founded the Imagination Library and caused a generational ripple effect through books, stories and her boundless generosity.

I believe she is asking us all to imagine a world where more people show in life just as she did.

Miley Cyrus shared that she could hear Dolly’s advice to her right now, as she is mourning her loss and holding close all the love given to her since before her birth — “write your heart out and share it with the world.”

P.S. The American Flag will be at half mast for seven full days all across this country to honor the lasting legacy of Dolly Parton.

I once heard a lovely guest on Rich Roll’s podcast talk about trail angels, those people who are living examples of making their way through the world and leaving nourishing breadcrumb trails for us to follow. Dolly Parton was an iconic trail angel.

Dolly was just six years older than me. I remember hearing her touching song “Coat of Many Colors” when it was released in 1971 and feeling a very deep connection to the song, to Dolly, to a hope that even from the most humble beginnings, anything was truly possible.

It is now, upon deep reflection on Dolly’s impact on my life through many decades, that I am acutely aware that I followed her lead.

Dolly not only showed us the way - she lit it up. Dolly’s breadcrumbs were glittering rhinestones.

She had a song for every vulnerable human experience one might imagine. She touched us in places that even people close to us didn’t see. Dolly could reach into the depths of our heart and let us know with great certainty that we were not alone.

Yesterday I wrote about authenticity and Dolly personified being genuinely, consistently authentic. Long before it was in vogue, long before we craved people showing up authentically, Dolly was embracing it.

Dolly was a living example of not letting humble beginnings limit growing into full potential. Her tenacity, joy and self-empowerment were driving forces in her life. She made her way and cleared the path for us to do the same.

I loved that moniker - Trail Angel - when I first heard it.

And now I have the most glowing image of a real life, iconic Trail Angel — Dolly Parton. She left an indelible imprint on us that is just like glitter — we will continue to find traces of her everywhere as we make our own way in life.

If you’ve never heard Patrick Droney’s song, Glitter — do yourself a favor this week and listen to it. The backstory is that Patrick’s mother is a complicated grief counselor. It was his mother’s deeply compassionate stories that became the inspiration for this powerful song.

It was Seth Godin’s distinction about our authenticity that caught my attention. He was sharing with Dr. Michael Gervais on the Finding Mastery podcast that being authentically ourselves actually means being quite consistent in how we show up each and every day in an ever-changing and uncertain world.

Being unpredictable, irrational, easily distracted or dis-regulated, creating more chaos where there is already too much, is not being authentic. It is simply revealing that we are unmoored.

Being authentic without any filters for the impact we are having on ourselves and others is a sign of a lack of self-awareness, self-control and even self-responsibility.

Seth Godin stressed that a truly authentic person is stable and consistent. They can be in the midst of chaos and uncertainty and not lose themselves.

This clear distinction really landed for me because it dovetails right in with the work that Aiko Bethea invites us to do - to work diligently each and every day towards our aspirational self. Aiko gives us the rock solid foundation for our authentic, consistent and aspirational self: It is being anchored, aligned and accountable.

Our aspirational self works steadily at being anchored in two stabilizing values, keenly aware of being in alignment with those core values in how we show up, and holding ourselves accountable to learn (about ourselves and others) from each and every experience.

This is how our core values ground us and serve as the anchor we need to stay calm, steady and responsive (not reactive) AND how being in alignment with those values shines a beacon of light far and wide - so that we can see clearly what we are facing, the impact we can have, and the more stable outcome we desire on the other side of whatever problem is at hand.

Brene Brown offers her own significant contribution to this definition of authentic, consistent aspirational self in her book Strong Ground, where she urges us to discard protective armor and faulty transactional coping skills for relational self-leadership.

This is the transformational pivot point we have reached. What was once working no longer is - not in today’s fast-paced terrain of VUCA. Volatility, Uncertainty, Chaos and Ambiguity.

The father of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman, could see the storm that was brewing when he published the book, TomorrowMInd with Gabrielle Kellerman in 2023. He was pulling what once was a thread about the footholds of positive psychology for living a more resilient, growth mindset oriented life from his book Flourish into the future for us. Only now, that thread was braided, strong and forward-facing.

So many diverse fields were merging and providing us with a whole new landscape from which to navigate what has become our everyday, modern ecosystem. Today, with AI spreading out faster than we can contain it, we are knee-deep in the VUCA that Dr. Seligman would become our norm.

There is no turning back.

Dr. Seligman made it clear more than a decade ago that we could use our post-traumatic experiences to grow and flourish, not flounder and stunt our growth. He offered us a stepping stone into the future he could foretell was most certainly coming. Change is a constant and we needed to get prepared, to become more resilient and well-practiced in strong healthy human psychology to be ready for it.

We have arrived - and we are so incredibly fortunate to have remarkable resources to help us transition into the change that is constant and fueled daily by volatility, uncertainty, chaos and ambiguity. We do not have to contribute to it and make it harder to navigate. We can be the change that is sorely needed to meet the present moment and social culture.

A few years ago, Dr. Becky Kennedy, the outstanding parenting expert, was drawing on all the evolving psychological research and neuroscience to help us become “sturdy leaders” in a much healthier parenting model than most of us had been raised on. As I sat with Seth Godin’s consistency wisdom, it was Dr. Becky’s coin of phrase, Sturdy Leader, that surfaced. Dr. Becky often uses the analogy of a seasoned airline pilot to help us grasp what that term really means and how we can fashion ourselves as sturdy leaders in times of emotional turbulence.

If you were raised in a very turbulent childhood environment with parents who were as triggered, activated and unstable as you - then you have a crystal clear understanding of how ineffective and unhealthy it will be for all of us humans to enter this dynamic new, rapidly evolving environment without being better prepared for it. It will be utter chaos on every front — at home, at work, in community and globally.

To borrow a line from Hamilton - “look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” We can be the change we wish to see in the world. It starts with each of us being committed to becoming sturdy leaders; authentic and consistent aspirational selves who are anchored, aligned and accountable.

In his book, What to Make of a Life, Jim Collins has issued a self-knowledge imperative. It is timely. It is a pivot from gauzy self-help to empowering self-discovery and being highly aware of our impact and contributions to society. Are we helping or hurting ourselves and others in the ways we show up on a daily basis in our lives.

Ask yourself - are you a sturdy leader? Are you that calm presence that can help others put their oxygen masks on and co-regulate them back to a healthy baseline where their nervous system is stable? Can you stay grounded, not adding to the chaos, but actually being a steady, consistent, reliable first responder when things get overwhelming, chaotic and uncertain? Are you helping or hurting an unfolding situation by the very way you are showing up?

We have no choice but to face the reality that our world and daily lives move at a very rapid pace now. AI will bring challenges and changes that we cannot yet fully comprehend.

We are at a crucial and compelling pivot point.

Not only do we have the golden opportunity to become the change that can harness and navigate this new world order, we have a dynamic human operating system that was built for this evolution. But we cannot unleash our full potential if we stay weighted down by protective armor and dysfunctional, archaic coping mechanisms.

Begin to work towards your authentic, aspirational self. You are a work in progress - who can be energized and highly motivated to be a sturdy leader with nimble relational skills and tools at your disposal.

Be authentic - and consistent.

Be anchored, aligned and accountable.

Stand on strong ground and wield your power wisely.

At the end of each Finding Mastery Podcast episode, host Dr. Michael Gervais reminds us all that “we were never meant to do this work alone.” I think I know the origin story of that powerful tagline.

Dr. Mike has often shared his personal story of when he and his wife, Lisa were at a pivotal crossroads in their young marriage. High school sweethearts, they had married young and were several years into it when things were fraying at the seams. They went to couples counseling. At the end of one of their sessions, the wise counselor looked at them both and said “You two have an important decision to make.”

Dr. Mike will share that this was the moment both of them had feared — that inevitable question of “do I stay or do I go?” But that is not the question posed to young Mike and Lisa.

It was this: “You each have really important life work to do. Do you want to do this work together or alone?”

In that moment, something big shifted internally in both of them. They were crazy mad in love with each other and it crystallized that they did in fact want to “do the work” together. This aha moment put them on a path of relational transformative growth.

It is the tie that binds Dr. Mike’s personal experience to the compelling tagline of his podcast for finding mastery in your own life. No one does this transformational personal development alone.

Dr. Mike and his wife Lisa were lucky. They found a counselor who had a basic understanding that we do in fact learn most about ourselves when we are in a relationship. That counselor may have known about mirror neurons, how nervous systems get activated and bring emotional triggers to the surface, how our childhood patterns become so visible, the role that our attachment styles play in feeling strongly connected to each other.

However, we were not proactively using this knowledge and language a few decades ago. We probably just operated on the principle that “teamwork makes the dream work.” And that likely really resonated with Dr. Mike whose has built a highly successful career as an elite sports psychologist.

Today, we know for certain that we will learn so much about ourselves when we pay attention to how we show up in a variety of ways in our relationships with others. Dr. Terry Real, renowned couples counselor and founder of Relational Life Therapy, tells us that “we marry our unfinished business”.

Imagine a wedding gift of knowing that you both will be growing an encyclopedia of self-knowledge as you build your life together. What works and what doesn’t; what common patterns of behavior cause the most friction? Are you repeating the very reactions that you couldn’t wait to get away from when you were all grown up?

The dynamic couples counselor, Esther Perel, often sees couples who are on the brink of divorce yet are desperately trying to hang on to a thread. Esther has the affable bedside manner of a warm-hearted pediatrician and the surgical precision of a brain specialist. In a matter of minutes, Esther is able to see so clearly what this couple cannot. That everything they long for is right before their eyes. That if they stop blaming each other, they might discover they could be doing their self-development work together. There is more going right than wrong. Instead of building a wall between them, they can work on building deeper connection.

Mel Robbins writes in her book, The Let Them Theory, that people in our lives can be teachers or tormentors. Teachers invite us to look closely at the places where we get in our own way and coach us into our potential. Tormentors show us point blank what we really do not want to see — where we have blind spots, give away our power to others, get emotionally triggered, project our discomfort onto others. Mel quite humorously points out that our teachers and tormentors are most often our siblings, our spouses and inevitably, our kids.

No one does this work alone. We were never meant to learn who we are and who we are aspiring to be by living in a vacuum.

We do our most incredible, intrinsic personal growth and self development in relationship. Our relationship partners and teammates are our study buddies.

When I was a novice parent of two teenage boys, I had this tagline I created to help us gain some insight. Little did I know then that I was on to something. I was merely a frustrated parent with good intentions, but not the backpack full of psychological and emotional skills and tools we have today. My tagline was “What have you learned from this experience?”

My boys and I would be able to have a reasonable conversation without being too emotionally invested to glean the life lessons from choices they made about a bad haircut, going along to get along with a group of friends up to no good, or lying to me about something they did.

Over recent years, I wish I had amended that question and taken it one step further. “What have you learned about yourself from this experience?”

Each and every one of the events that unfolded in their lives as teenagers was the direct result of the relationship they were in. Did they tell me a little white lie because I frequently blew up and didn’t make it easy to tell me the truth? Did they go along with their friends’ bad decisions so as not to be an outcast? Did they know that we all make mistakes and it is a natural part of the learning process? That bad haircut gave my boy a lot of valuable information and fortunately, would eventually grow out and let him try again. My son who struggled with making decisions may have realized he was a conflict avoider.

My sons are approaching 50 now. When I was raising them through those transformational teen years, I didn't know myself very well. So, how could I have been a better teacher for them? I modeled the very behavioral patterns that they took into their adult relationships: people pleasing, conflict avoidance, making myself smaller, fighting for what I thought was fair, but not not holding a boundary, being far too reliant on coping skills instead of personal agency. We were study buddies, but I wasn’t yet schooled on what would have really given them a rock solid foundation for lifelong learning in their personal relationships.

A few years ago, I bought my close friend a copy of The Daily Stoic Journal by Ryan Holiday for Christmas. I asked her if she would commit to journaling for a whole year and I would be doing the same. I suggested that we become study buddies and share periodically what we were learning about ourselves from the writing prompts that Ryan provided in this journal. She agreed.

What made this practice so valuable was having a study buddy. We did in fact mirror back to each other a lot of common scenarios and how they shaped our lives. We tested each other’s self-knowledge. Wow - that was powerful. We challenged each other to see more clearly for themselves what others could plainly see.

Ryan’s universal writing prompts became the study guide for our self-knowledge. But the intrinsic value of having a study buddy made the work more fun, more relevant and sticky and easier to integrate.

Can you look at the people with whom you are in relationship as your personal study buddies? Can you enlist their help to build your own encyclopedic self-knowledge and gain real traction with invaluable life lessons?

No one does this work alone - and we were never meant to.

Just for fun today, do a little check in to see how often you time travel.

Do you fast forward to the future even while you are doing something right now that you couldn’t wait to be doing a few days ago? Here you are, at that luncheon with friends or in that craft workshop, but you’ve skipped ahead to what you will make for dinner or errands you’ll run on the way home.

Do you catch yourself ruminating? Going back to something that happened last week or 10 years ago, replaying the whole event over and over, but wishing for a different outcome?

We all time travel. We just don’t realize how often we do it and how much of the present moment we miss when our thoughts drift away and we get lost in the past we can’t change and the future that we can’t predict.

Being present is what matters most. It is where we make lasting memories, savor our friendships and feel most alive.

“I wrote a Substack post this week about how I started my own self-discovery journey 14 years ago by blogging. It was how I held myself accountable to doing the daily work of learning who I really was and how I might manage my life better.

At the time, mindfulness was being introduced not as some woo-woo hippy fun thing to do, but as a science-based tool for helping our brains stay present and attentive.

Back then, I'd drink a whole pot of coffee and not even be aware of it! I ruminated about a million things that happened recently and decades ago. I’d go for long walks on the beach in Fort Lauderdale, but my mind had drifted back to heartbreaking events I’d replay over and over. I was binge watching the past and not even aware of the sandy beach, the laughter of small children, the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the crystal clear water.

Over time and with lots of practice to bring myself back to the present moment, I stopped most of my frequent time travel and find it much easier these days to stay fully present.

Mindfulness is catching yourself drifting from the present moment, being aware that your attention is being pulled away. This present moment, right now - with the people you love, the time you’ve carved out for savoring your coffee, for watching the sun rise or set — that’s the gift. Be present - as often as you can.”

Who has power over you? Before you freak out about this, just stop to think about how often you really do give your power away.

That neighbor who you are judging, without really knowing, has some power over you. You may get triggered when you hear them playing music while washing the car in their driveway. Or you may be so annoyed that they seem to be judging your noisy happy kids playing in the front yard.

That politician that made headlines today but won’t be within miles of your actual life, who lives in your head rent free and occupies your time and attention.

That micro-managing friend or family member who watches you like a hawk as you prepare a meal, attempt to replace your windshield wiper blades, or pack for an extended vacation.

All too often, we let our fear of other people’s opinions, judgments, actions and even mere presence have too much power over how we want to be feeling or simply enjoying our life.

Who has power over you? Chances are that they are not even giving you a second thought!

“I was listening to the Finding Mastery podcast yesterday when Dr. Michael Gervais asked the infamous Seth Godin if he ever felt FOPO - the fear of other's opinons. Seth paused for effect and then said "every day!" Dr. Gervais was so surprised by this confession, he gasped. How could it be that someone as grounded, wise and well-practiced as Seth Godin feel the fear of what others might think every single day?

Seth grinned and shared that you have to be aware of it so that you can unhook yourself from it. Ahh-- there's the magic flex. Seth has a little mantra he tells himself -- "do not let how others judge you, feed how you judge yourself".

Can you catch yourself letting someone else's opinions, actions or sensationalized headline have some power over you?”

— Amy Davis, your Trail Coach

On the weekends, I offer samples of my Daily Gummy of Wisdom. It is bite-sized distilled nuggets of science-based knowledge and relatable real life examples of how we can put better skills and tools to work FOR us. If you like the Daily Gummy of Wisdom and want to build your knowledge on a consistent basis, then click here and get the Daily Gummy of Wisdom popped into your inbox each morning! Daily Gummy of Wisdom

Dr. Michael Gervais tells us that “small routines done consistently is where excellence tends to reside.”

Over 14 years ago, I started a blog I named “Inspired New Horizons”. Back then, blogs were the in-thing much like podcasts are today. The main purpose of my blog was to hold myself accountable for the “self-help” work I vowed to do.

I was dipping a tentative toe into this personal growth arena. I’d spent most of my like as a resolute people pleaser - fixing, rescuing, helping so much I had nothing left for myself. I recall whispering into the night “I have reached my capacity”. It was a confession of sorts. Clearly what I was doing was no longer working. I’d lost my joy, my spark, I wasn’t fun or funny anymore. Just numb.

I’ve shared before that I was captivated by the current trend of the time which was mindfulness. Time Magazine had a special edition dedicated to the subject of mindfulness with the purpose of pulling it out of the “woo woo” space and into the mainstream, backed by science. Mindfulness felt like something I could hold onto while I was working my way out of my malaise and back into a full-bodied life.

Family and friends knew I was in yet another life transition and while they were supportive, the whole mindfulness thing was foreign. Which is precisely why I decided to blog about what I was learning in real time. It felt like a very public accountability tool.

It was poet Mary Oliver who inspired my blog’s name and planted the mental image in my mind — I was in search of new horizons. I had no idea how expansive that inkling would one day become.

Thich Nhat Hahn was a very strong influence on me and the power of being very present in life. I used some of his most profound quotes as intentional images on my home page. Little did I know that I really wasn’t living much of my life in the present moment at the time. I spent more time ruminating than I actually spent fully aware of what I was actually doing in that moment. I’d drink a pot of coffee and would be unable to remember doing so. I’d go through the motions of washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the litter pan but my mind was a thousand miles away. I’d read a chapter in a book and would be unable to recall even snippets of the content.

I’d go down some rabbit holes on YouTube, watching Pema Chodrun, Sharon Salzberg, Jon Kabat-Zinn and Father Richard Rohr, soaking up not only the knowledge and wisdom they shared, but also feeling comforted by such deeply present human beings.

I discovered Brene Brown when she went viral for her Ted Talk on shame and vulnerability and like millions, I became a devotee and disciple of all her work. (I still am.)

What I could feel under my feet was the earth moving. Shifts in the cultural ecosystem that were creating those openings that Leonard Cohen spoke so poignantly about — the cracks where the light gets in.

The Mindfulness Movement had ushered in something new for us to consider and explore. Neuroscience was peeking up through those cracks. It wouldn’t be long til modern psychology would follow suit and eventually even emotional intelligence would enter the bigger picture.

Today, there are a plethora of brand new fields of research that have grown out of that small breakthrough that occurred when mindfulness was mainstreamed. Our social media platforms are teeming with resources and educators who are deeply rooted now in neuroscience, psychology and emotional intelligence.

Because I was so deeply entrenched in what became a daily practice of research, writing, putting the work into real life practice, integrating and then reflecting on the positive changes that were occurring — I saw the intersecting of these diverse fields when it was still in its infancy. I was completely hooked! I knew we were heading for something rather revolutionary in our human evolution.

A year ago, I took a long pause to reflect on my personal growth journey. I went back and reviewed the hundreds of blog posts I’d written and shared and realized they were my trail notes. I had a very strong intuitive nudge that it was time to pivot.

I spent a few days pondering that intuitive nudge and came to this conclusion. What would be really beneficial to others would be some base knowledge about how our brains and bodies are actually designed to work; why we often react instead of respond due to thoughts, emotions and well-honed behavioral patterns. It was time to retire the blog and provide a Basecamp for science-based knowledge.

That is how my website for lifelong dynamic personal growth came into existence. I was sensing again that we were carving new paths for all of us to stop trying so hard to fix ourselves - and instead pivot to gaining rock solid working self-knowledge.

I launched Trailheads & Pivot Points last summer. Shortly thereafter, I noticed how many of my favorite authors and researchers were publishing books with positive titles and easy to follow instructions for gaining personal insights and integrating beneficial skills and tools for navigating life and our relationships.

This was confirmation that I was on the right track and it solidified a meaningful life purpose for me that evolved rather organically from my blog all those years ago.

A common thread that I have pulled from years of my own self-knowledge work is that many of my most beloved teachers found their lifelong purpose in “me-search”. I have named a few of them here in this post, and there are many others.

Me-search sends us on a quest — and often our purpose finds us and inspires us to take what we have learned and help others.

Click this link to visit what has become my impassioned purpose: Trailheads & Pivot Points

It cut right to the heart of the matter - a relatable, real life interaction between friends that went sideways, fell off a slippery slope and caused a long friendship to fade away. As I read what went down, I felt discomfort washing over me. I knew this feeling well.

There was a lot of common ground in the familiar story that Aiko Bethea shared in her latest book. We've all been there. We have an interaction with a friend or coworker that on the surface seems fine, but we have an uncomfortable inkling that something didn’t land quite right, or was a sticking point. We go our separate ways and shrug off that little discomfort.

But our normal daily interactions change, subtly of course. But still, we notice.

No lighthearted banter and fun emojis in text messages. A cold shoulder when we bump into each other in the hallway. No invitations to grab coffee or lunch. We slowly get ghosted. A hazy fog grows between us and we can’t quite put our finger on what went wrong.

As Aiko told the story of two colleagues (who were also good friends), who did a lunch and learn Q & A interview, she pulls the curtain back on how blind we can be to an off-handed remark that hits a nerve. That is precisely what happened in this scenario. For the most part, the interview and conversation went swimmingly. But there was that one tense moment when things hit a snag. The nervous tension between the two friends was clearly uncomfortable. Something that was said landed with a thud and some prickly spines to boot. In this very common scenario, for the sake of the audience, the two friends brushed it away and moved on. (If the camera were to pan out in this very moment, you’d see a faint image of something broken getting swept under the proverbial carpet).

Aiko took the “choose your own adventure” approach to this real life example of a common shared experience. We hit a nerve, triggered someone, made an off-handed remark, pushed a button. It wasn’t our intention, but it happened. Aiko offers that we have two options - the one where we solve for our own discomfort or the harder choice of solving for the discomfort we caused another.

You get to choose how you resolve. And that means not simply solving for your own discomfort — but resolving which has more substantive and transformative clout. When we resolve we are committed to fixing a problem, finding an answer, or making a firm personal choice.

Most of us are very well-practiced in the first option in this “choose your own adventure” scenario. We don’t like that feeling of discomfort. We want to be reassured that “we are okay” and move on (the sooner the better). We have a sneaking suspicion that we caused the discomfort between us and another person, but owning it is so hard. Surely this will resolve itself naturally.

The problem is that not taking some ownership of this mutual discomfort becomes a ruminative loop that just gets more traction. Not only does the nagging feeling have a lot of staying power - we begin to accumulate proof positive that something is definitely wrong between us and our friend. We are getting the silent treatment, distance grows between us, the connection we had feels weaker.

We can tell ourselves a lot of stories to ease the gnawing discomfort. Maybe our friendship has run its course, maybe she’s just too sensitive and can’t take a joke, maybe it is not us but some big issue she needs to resolve all by herself. Maybe he is a jerk, too self-absorbed or afraid to show any vulnerability.

But Aiko encourages us to stop letting ourselves off the hook and take some ownership. The big flex here is to choose courage over comfort.

Remember that Aiko offers us a strong foothold for this meaningful work. She defines accountability as a prerequisite for learning. Don’t you want to learn what matters to your friend, what happened during that exchange and how you can improve in the future?

The second option in the choose your own adventure is where you really are “doing the work” in real time, in real life and with someone who means a lot to you. You are personally invested in resolving a conflict that has caused some tension between you. You choose courage over comfort and you circle back.

Is it hard? Damn right it is hard. All growth spurts have some element of hardship. No pain, no gain. Pushing through your own discomfort is the real work. Not pushing aside the truth that you had a hurtful impact on someone else.

Aiko Bethea reminds us that when we anchor ourselves in our values, we will naturally feel stronger and more confident about our next move. We can “do the next right thing” because it is aligned with our core values.

When we circle back and check in with our friend, we own the discomfort. We face reality and let that person know that we feel the tension between us - and we are here to work it out. Remember that Aiko tells us we can have really good intentions, but if we are blind to the impact we have (even when we believe we are operating with our best intentions in the foreground), we might be missing a big piece of our relationship puzzle. As Harriet Lerner would remind us, when we fall into our natural dance routine, we can accidentally step on someone’s toes.

Be the bigger person and do this relational work face to face. Have that hard conversation. Break the ice and ease the tension. Choose courage over your own comfort. Flip the script and imagine how your friend might be feeling. What was the point of impact, and how uncomfortable was that for someone you respect, love, and want in your life?

In Aiko’s scenario, she explains that the pain point between these two colleagues and friends was rooted in personal history and backstory. This is true for all of us — we all have things from our past that have shaped us; our tender spots are often hidden.

By circling back, checking in and being courageous enough to be curious about how things landed, we get the rare opportunity to learn something invaluable about another person. If - they are willing to share. There is no doubt that choosing courage over comfort is a two way street.

If someone is brave enough to come to you and ask what went wrong and what the impact was, you need to lean into that permission slip and share your truth. It takes real courage to reveal an emotional or psychological vulnerability - but that is precisely where we begin to forge stronger personal connections.

When we choose courage over comfort, we are working on new skill sets. We override judgment and past history that lacked context and missing pieces of the puzzle. We stay calm, curious and compassionate. We strive to be generous in our interpretation that both of us were doing the best we could at the time AND hold the tension of paradox that we can, in fact, do better the next time.

This morning as I read the chapter on “doing the work” in Aiko’s incredible book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, it became so self evident that all too often we only reflect on our discomfort. We completely miss the point. We’ve had an impact on someone else and we did not want to cause them to feel uncomfortable. But we did. And how will we ever know how to navigate all that with greater care in the future if we don’t circle back and listen to learn?

The next time you find yourself wrestling with your own discomfort, remember that you can grow from an experience that went sideways — but you will have to intentionally choose courage over comfort.

It was back in the 1980’s that I was first introduced to “active listening”. Ironically enough, it was rolled out under the umbrella of relationship sales training at the super regional bank where I was employed. We were being trained to be good listeners, to pick up on cues that would help us craft a sales pitch. The ultimate goal of this active listening training was to make a deal.

Back then, the key element of active listening was basically to be able to “parrot” back to the potential client what they said. It was less active listening and more simply repeating what was said. We were being “trained” to listen for clues. Pick up on a clue and repeat it back. Notice how heads would nod in agreement. We were told that this was part of the “buy-in”, that the body language was proof positive that we were warming up a potential client to say “yes” to our sales pitch.

I loved active listening. It seemed so magical back then. What I realize now is that back in the day, we weren’t very good at full-bodied listening skills. Mostly we listened to respond. We’d listen for the parts of someone’s story that gave us an opening to make our case. We weren’t really listening to understand — we were listening to prepare our closing arguments.

In the last decade or so, we’ve been encouraged to expand our ability to listen far beyond listening to respond. Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicator, leads this evolution with better skills and tool sets. We can use active listening to deepen the craft — we can listen to understand.

The big flex in active listening skills (where we listening to understand) is turning down the dial on our habitual tendency to listen to respond, rebut or refuse another person’s story and perspective. We are encouraged to step out of judgment and step into curiosity. We are also invited to become more open-minded and empathetic to another’s lived experience.

Charles Duhigg elevates that “parroting” technique to “looping for understanding”. We don’t simply repeat back verbatim what another person said. We use our own words to capture the essence of what they shared. We can’t really do this well if we spend all our mental time listening to respond. That’s the power of looping for understanding - we are internalizing what we heard and reflecting it back to someone. The closer in this case is then asking “Did I get that right?”

Pause right here to recall a time when you were pouring your heart out to someone, sharing how you felt, revealing some vulnerabilities, but coming to the realization that the other person wasn’t actually hearing you out. You could tell they weren’t really listening fully. Maybe they said “uh huh” or “wow, that’s wild.” Did you stop sharing? Did you ask yourself “what’s the point”?

Have you ever had the experience where you are opening up about something but your partner or friend was staring at their phone? Out of curiosity, you say something so outrageous to test if they are paying attention. You might say “the neighbor’s cat was driving the car”. Your spouse or friend nods to suggest they are paying attention and heard you — but you caught them in the act of “not listening”.

We all fall into these old patterns; it is especially prevalent today because of our addiction to our devices. We have shorter attention spans and our strongest muscle memory is the one seeking out confirmation bias and doubling-down on our strongly held beliefs. We are so out of practice when it comes to active, attentive listening. And taking our listening skills to the next level - the one where we listen to understand - well, we haven’t really integrated that one fully.

At this moment in time, there is yet another level of listening being introduced to us. It is listening to connect. It is taking into account what you most want for the long term. Every conversation, every disagreement, every story being shared is a stitch in the tapestry of our connection to each other.

Do you want to win the argument or strengthen the relationship?

That singular question always reminds me of Brene Brown offering that she is not here to be right, she is here to get it right.

How many times do you think someone has stopped sharing what matters most to them because you weren’t listening to understand? How many times have you inadvertently snipped a budding relationship connection by cutting the conversation short?

Take a few minutes to recall a recent heated conversation you had. Be honest. Did you stop sharing because it seemed pointless? When someone stops caring, we stop sharing. Some of the best parts of our stories never get told.

I recall sharing with my book club friends that they actually knew more about me than my family members. The reason is that my book club friends listened not only to understand, but to offer support, encouragement and empathy. We built an incredibly deep connection between us because we listened deeply, remained curious, reflected back to each other a lot of “me too” moments and because we genuinely cared.

We’ve come a long way, baby — but we may still only be taking baby steps when it comes to cultivating master level listening skills.

• Level one - Basic active listening. Being able to parrot what was said. Listening without working on preparing a response.

• Level two - Listening to understand. Turning our full attention to another, picking up on tone, volume, body language. Looping for understanding by using our own words to reflect back what was shared with us. Checking in to see if we got it right. Staying curious and not judgmental. Accepting that each person’s lived experience is often quite different from our own.

• Level three - Listening to build connection. If you genuinely care about a relationship long-term, you will begin to recognize that each conversation and each disagreement is rich with the opportunity to forge a strong, mutually beneficial connection. You want to invite another person to come to you with anything and everything. No holding back. You want to build trust that you are the safest place to land. Not only are you listening without judgment, you have proven time and again that you skillfully listen to fully understand. You are building stronger connections each and every time there is an exchange of information, experience, vulnerabilities and emotions.

Aiko Bethea is instrumental in getting us to up our listening game. She calls this Channel 3 listening. Listening to build connection is rooted in genuine care. We care deeply about the people we want coming to us to spill their guts, to tell the parts of their stories that might be hard to hear, to share their honest lived experiences without judgment or repercussion.

When you pause to really reflect on the long game, you will find yourself tuning into Channel 3 listening with an open heart and mind. You will not fall prey to listening to respond; or stop short at listening to understand without connecting the dots. You will see that you play an active role in building connections with people you love when you show up with genuine care.

Each conversation, each story shared, each misunderstanding, reveals more relationship strands to braid together.

Start with yourself today. What are you reluctant to share with someone who matters to you? What parts of your story remain cloaked in secrecy? Do you hide your feelings around certain people and why is that? What might it feel like to really be heard, to have someone come to know the parts of your story left untold?

Who is in your life who really listens to you because they genuinely care?

Most people probably cringe when they hear the word “accountability” but it is nothing more than being completely honest with ourselves. It is the hard look in the mirror and owning the fact that we do have room for improvement.

Aiko Bethea reframes and redefines accountability as a prerequisite for learning - mostly about ourselves through a very clear lens and with an honest assessment in her latest book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable.

Jim Collins makes the proclamation that self-knowledge is foundational and is now an imperative in his latest book, What to Make of a Life. Jim’s wisdom comes from deep research over more than 10 years into the lives of ordinary people who faced a lot of cliffs and fogs in their lives - and kept going and growing through the process. These people show us what is possible in our lives when we face our truths and take advantage of the fact that as long as we are breathing, we are works-in-constant process.

Jim Collins says self-knowledge is an imperative in today’s culture of rapid change, constant uncertainties and advancing technology.

Aiko backs that up and amplifies that accountability can fast-track our awareness of where we have the most room to grow. But instead of being scared to look at the places where you can work toward improvement - own it. Be courageous enough to face your own truth. Where are your intentions and your impact in conflict?

One of the things I love about Aiko’s new book is that she incorporates these self-reflective practices into each section. She maps things out, shares some relatable real life situations, and then she says “your turn”.

Jim Collins tells us self-knowledge is imperative - and Aiko delivers the meaty self-reflection practices that feel like kettle bells. These questions help you see a cross-section of your daily life and get crystal clear: Could I be doing better - and how?

The day you make that bold move to look directly into a very clean and clear mirror is the day you stop kicking the can down the road.

As you are brushing your teeth and looking in that bathroom mirror, what is the one thing that you are dreading today? What are you bracing for? What story are you telling yourself? What are you putting off? Who do you hope to avoid?

Aiko urges us to flip the script on any of these scenarios and ask ourselves a very direct question. What is our role in any of those common scenarios?

If you’ve always been the people pleaser, it’s quite possible that your habitual response is the real cause for the effect you dread. You know you feel resentful, but you pick up the slack anyway or bite your tongue. So nothing changes - and day in and day out, you get the same result.

If you let others define you, or their opinions matter so much that you struggle with self-doubt and insecurity, that’s on you. You probably have a long track record that is the living proof that you do good work, are very dependable and often get the job done. Why do you give away your power and acquiesce to others? Is it out of habit?

If we are being honest with ourselves, we don’t spend much time during the course of an ordinary day really reflecting on how we are showing up in life. Wherever we find frustration, disappointment and that nagging sense of dreading (an interaction, a daily dust-up, an ongoing problem), is a good place to start that practice. Ask yourself - what could I be doing better in these very familiar situations?

In my mid-30’s, I would often put off til tomorrow what I should have done today. I procrastinated- on folding laundry, prepping meals, getting gas in my car on the way home from work. Then I would find myself constantly playing catch up and feeling overwhelmed by the basic necessities of life. Putting off til tomorrow was no longer working. I hated being so behind in life. I faced the facts and made some much needed changes. I was not an overnight success to be sure. But I stuck with the small efforts it took to shift how I was handling basic life necessities. I confess that when I hopped in my car after corralling all the kids for school, with healthy lunches and each of us in clean clothes - and I saw I had 3/4 of a tank of gas, I gave myself an “atta girl” for the forward progress.

I am a huge fan of James Clear’s practical advice for building Atomic Habits and I believe his framework of starting small and building consistency over time pairs well with Aiko Bethea’s practice of self-reflection on what we could be doing better. After all, if we look in that mirror and have that honest assessment of where we have room to improve, we could easily shut ourselves down. Start small and accumulate a few wins.

We learn the most about ourselves in our relationships. Consider asking yourself what you might do better in your relationship with your spouse, your kids, your siblings or a friend. One of the easiest places to look for a chance to do better is discovering where you get defensive. When your partner gets frustrated yet again because you forgot to pay that bill or didn't put gas in the car - can you just own it instead of fighting back?

Aiko would tell you that owning our shortcomings, mistakes or bad habits is a giant step in the right direction. Break the pattern of being defensive by owning your impact.

Sure, you had good intentions to pay the bill a week ago, but you just kept putting it off and the due date slipped right by you. And yes, you did know that this morning would be crunch-time, but on the way home from work last night you didn’t feel like making one more stop to fill the tank. Owning this small stuff really puts things in perspective. Those tiny investments in doing the right thing in time really pay big dividends.

You can begin to see the correlation between your good intentions and your impact. They are linked. Good intentions only get you so far. Recognizing the positive or negative impact becomes the wake up call and activation mechanism for changed behaviors.

Instead of passing the gas station on the way home from work, you’ll remember both your good intention to do better the next time and the positive impact you want to have You’ll find the motivation to make a better decision this time. Even though you are tired and hungry, you can spare 10 minutes to have a positive impact tomorrow morning.

You may think it is silly to begin your self-reflection process with small mundane changes - but this is how you cultivate greater self-awareness and build your confidence in your ability to shift and change. You are retraining your brain and strengthening muscle memory. As you build confidence in your ability to see where your intentions and your impact often clash and create some conflict - you’ll be motivated to tackle the harder parts of self improvement.

It is very possible that if you start to reduce the number of times you stop getting defensive, angry or overwhelmed - the next level of personal development just might be a whole lot more accessible to you. Remember that accountability is a prerequisite for learning. Might you learn that you are responsible for the frequent negative impacts you wish would go away? That’s the question you ask your mirror?

Isn’t it ironic how careful we are about our cars? We may choose to park our new car far away from all the others in the parking lot in an attempt to avoid getting a dent in the door or from a runaway shopping cart. We drive with situational awareness to avoid fender benders or rear-end collisions. We leave a little space between us and other cars so we have a bumper cushion, reaction time to avoid a collision. We avoid potholes and drive with focused attention when there are no guardrails. It all comes so natural to us. How many days in a year to you drive without getting into an accident?

What if we used our well honed driving skills to navigate our personal relationships? What if operated with greater awareness about our impact on others?

We can give ourselves a bumper cushion to react with skill, not panic. That pause between stimulus and response in a heated debate, can stop a possible emotional collision. Tap the brakes and proceed with caution. Give yourself and your friend some breathing room. Get curious about what’s happening in their inner world.

We don’t join in the road rage when we come upon it. We can lean into this skill by stopping ourselves before we match and escalate someone else’s emotions. During road rage, we pride ourselves on keeping it together. If you come upon a family member who is overcome by a lot of big emotions, do your best to ease the situation. No laying on the horn or shouting profanities. Stay cool, calm and collected and work around it all with care.

We already possess so many skill sets that can be repurposed to help us navigate our lives and relationships with greater self-awareness, situational awareness and well-honed responses that reduce harmful impacts and let us merge without dents, scrapes and crashes.

“I am so grateful to have the opportunity to deploy better relationship skills and tools with my budding teen grandkids. When I was raising my own teens, I did not know anything about how slowly a human brain develops, how much help was needed for them to learn how to work with their oversized emotions, and the dents we probably put in their self confidence and inner resilience when we dismissed their feelings. I love that we are being advised to consider our impact on others as we practice better ways of showing up for our loved ones. Did you accidentally ding or scrape someone today?” - Amy Davis, your Trail Coach

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Can I just tell you that I spent many decades of my life sugarcoating hard truths. Why I believed that dancing around a tough subject would change anything is beyond me. But I can tell you for certain that I have learned the hard way that sugar-coating is really ineffective.

I relied on sugar-coating because it was easier for me. It was the remedy for my own discomfort. Having hard conversations often made me feel like I was asking for too much, would disappoint someone, or make someone else feel uneasy. I would be indirect -- and ultimately, ineffective.

Brene Brown tells us that clear is kind. She reminds us to choose courage over comfort. The two go hand in hand. No more sugarcoating. Tell it like it is. Be brave, hold a boundary, ask for help when you need it.

Here’s the irony. When I didn’t ask for help directly, I did expect that my sugar-coating would be enough for someone to see that picking up some slack would be so appreciated. But my sweet story did not get me the support I truly needed. So I would just carry on as usual and the blind spots that my friends and family had simply got bigger. People assumed I didn’t need any help because I’d turn around, walk away and get the job done.

If you are prone to downplay your needs, gloss over a snarky remark, downplay a conflict or minimize someone’s hurtful reactions - you are sugarcoating.

Can you catch yourself before you make things easier to swallow?

Remember that being clear about your need for help, about what is acceptable behavior and what is not, about what matters and how things landed on you -- is kind. It is also helpful and necessary.

No more sugarcoating.

The Daily Gummy of Wisdom is a page-a-day short read that boosts your self-awareness, helps you build emotional agility, inner strength and confidence all while keeping you aligned with your core values.

James Clear, author of Atomic Habit, tells us that we build the most foundational habits by taking small, consistent actions over time.

The Daily Gummy fills the bill — one short read you can pop into your inbox each morning and absorb while drinking your coffee or brushing your teeth. Partnering the Daily Gummy with a good habit you already have is how you gain traction in becoming your aspirational self.

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