We all have different ways on narrating a film or something that means something to us.

in this context it’s about bruce wayne.

Batman

I rewatched The dark knight a month ago. I realised that we weren’t actually watching it with full understanding and observation. Yes I love depth so I saw it in a different perspective.

Bruce Wayne.

We all know that he’s a billionaire who lives in Gotham city. He watched his parents get murdered—and because of that he chose to fight crime. Witnessing your parents get murdered is something a child should never witness. Kids are the most innocent people on earth. Everything and anything they could do wrong would be because they saw it somewhere.

Him being a billionaire doesn’t change the fact that he watched his parents get murdered. I think people don’t realise everyone goes through their own trauma, monied or not. Life doesn’t have favourites—Even the ones who hide behind a smile everyday aren’t okay. Life is better when you’re pretending. Just like social media, it’s not real. Everyone is hiding behind a facade. Some people just have a better way of hiding it.

Bruce? He tries his best honestly. In my opinion. No one realises that to be honest. He’s a detective. I think being a detective would you having to constantly other people out, so much that you forget about yourself or the closest people around you.

Now Batman.

Batman saves Gotham city. But it’s beyond just saving. This whole character was built on trauma and a tragedy that happened to him. I saw it in more depth.

Batman is only batman at night. Bruce wayne is Bruce everyday. No one actually knows he’s Batman. Everyone praises batman but obviously not Bruce—not knowing it’s the same guy. Same features, same face, or everything that Bruce has physically. But Batman is a mask and costume. Batman basically risks his whole life to save other lives.

It’s like you constantly choosing other people over yourself.

But—Batman is known inside & out by Rachel.

Bruce sees Rachel as the love of his life. Rachel is his assistant. Her job is basically to help him to get his work done. Rachel and Bruce grew up together. It was obvious that his man loved this woman. He caught feelings for her—and I mean an actual attraction to her. Despite them having to keep it “professional”, love is love. As much Rachel wasn’t the richest, Bruce loved her—batman did too.

It’s like being loved by two versions of a person. The one they let you see and the one they don’t. So for you to be loved like it, just know you are ACTUALLY loved.

Rachel did love Bruce—but how can you properly love someone that has to save lives his whole life? I’m guessing that’s how Rachel felt. Bruce and Batman are the same person yes but they are also two different people. Although Rachel knows two versions, she can’t properly love them.

Batman is one guy who has to live his life in a mask—A facade. His identify always has to be hidden.

Rachel decided to move on eventually. Even though she led him on and made him feel like she’d wait for him—she moved on.

Rachel decided to move on with Harvey Dent.

Harvey Dent also tried his best saving gotham in a legal way while Batman did it outside the law. He was a district attorney of Gotham. Both were great in my opinion. I can’t go into full detail with him though. He was the district attorney.

So yes Rachel chose Harvey over him. Even with all the money in the world—the attractiveness, even the fact that he was batman himself.

I wouldn’t say Rachel was wrong for choosing herself and the love of her life. Bruce was Bruce to her. She knew Bruce well enough not Batman. The deal was that Rachel was the love of his life but he wasn’t hers.

I’d say Rachel brought out the best in Batman and Bruce. She knew him inside and out like I said. Sadly Rachel found Harvey more interesting—his confidence—his legal ways of solving cases. She chose to marry him. That’s how much she loved him.

Bruce did realise that Rachel loved him but she wasn’t in love with him—so she wrote a letter.

The letter sounded genuine but heartbreaking.

It broke him.

The thing that stood out the most to me in the letter was her saying:

“When I told you that if Gotham no longer needed batman we could be together I meant it—but now I’m sure the day won’t come when you no longer need Batman, I hope it does”.

I think in this moment it proved that Rachel did lead Bruce on. She promised him something that she couldn’t fulfill. Bruce was already all in for her but she only had half of her heart in it.

I don’t want to sound like I’m defending Rachel because what she did was so awful. It’s like someone letting your guard down for someone to see then they decide to choose someone else over you—Promising you a future that,they could never gave to you.

I don’t think Bruce let anyone else know him on a deeper level but Alfred.

Even though Rachel chose someone else over him. Bruce chose the world over her. He chose to sacrifice so much for him to save the city and forgot about her—But what I realised that Bruce chose the city so much that he forgot to choose himself—which is really understandable tho. He lost his parents in a very tragic way so yes he’d want to fight crime all the time.

But I think this observation to me means that as much you could want to hide behind a mask, it won’t change that fact that you’re okay. It won’t change the fact that you need to heal from your trauma. Also as much you want to make anyone else around you happy, you should make yourself happy too. Choosing someone time and time again doesn’t mean they’d do the same thing for you.

I promise you constantly choosing people over yourself will keep you stagnant in the same place forever.

Rachel deciding to choose harvey over Bruce was equal to Bruce choosing the world over her and himself. You get so caught saving the world, you forgot you want to be saved too. That was Bruce—batman.

“Go be batman”

No. Go be Bruce. The Batman without a mask—Facade like I said. Be yourself.

So yes, I choose Batman. The batman that also needed saving—The Batman that also wanted to be loved & The Batman that wanted to be chosen.

But without a mask this time.

revenge porn is the most common thing especially in the gen z generation. men take it as “gotcha” moment. they are so sinister that they find pleasure in holding onto private pictures to use it against a woman.

for example when a man gets leaked, he gets praised.

praised like how big it is—how he’s posture looked or he was “performing” all the unnecessary things to point out really.

then when a woman gets leaked, you’re so quick to call her a slut or any slurs.

nudes are a woman’s way of saying “i love you” , “im yours”, “i trust you with my body”.

in my opinion nudes are art. a woman’s body is work of art. it genuinely looks beautiful. inside and out.

nudes are just like artwork in a museum but this time it’s just private pictures.

for someone to trust you with that, it means they really love you. wholeheartedly too. it’s not easy to accept your body or how it physical looks.

i think the most corniest thing is when a man would show nudes to his friends..that would mean you’re showing other men your woman’s body—but you get mad when your friends find her attractive. what did you expect?

i won’t hold only men accountable, i’ll hold the women too. when a woman gets leaked, you laugh about it but if it was you, you’d want all the support in the world…it wouldn’t be the same story.

i understand that women do not like each other. everyone just pretends to— but sad reality is that women tend to hate each other. i think something that is also sad is when women feel the need to embarrass their own friends in order to make a couple of guys laugh. trust me a man would never do that to his friends. but anything for male validation right?

taking nudes is something i’d never judge. it might seem as though you’re crazy for taking them but people mostly take them as a way of seeing their body from other perspective.

people don’t realise that every woman that they make fun of, or joke about when leaked is the same way you’re capable of laughing at the woman you also laughed if it happened to them.

or what? you won’t laugh because it happened to your loved one?…

double standards will be the downfall of most of people. you see things okay when you do them but when roles are reversed you want support?

revenge porn.

i don’t think anyone would like to be leaked—whether men or women. being leaked is like someone seeing beyond what they already know.

they know you have the same body parts as them but actually seeing them is a surreal experience. a stranger knowing how you look from the inside is a different type of naked.

the sad part is that you didn’t show that , they saw it from someone you trusted.

trust is the most important thing in a relationship or friendship. when trust is lost, everything is lost. love doesn’t hold as much value as trust.

threatening someone they trusted you with is selfish of you. it’s disgusting of you.

women get killed everyday.

they get raped.

they get overly sexualised.

they bear children in pain.

they suffer from miscarriages.

everything is so hard to go through.

so you want to be the cherry on top by sharing her naked pictures?

you saw her nakedness and you want to show other people that?

men also get leaked. it’s also very wrong that you leak him without his consent. everyone doesn’t want to be seen on the inside. so yes you’re also wrong for that. as much they get praised, it’s still wrong.

so with revenge porn, what would you do if it happened to your mother or your father?

would you laugh like how you laugh at your peers? would you have the same reaction?

now tell me how that makes you feel?

I’m writing this about how much I understand Rue.

Rue bennett

Rue was different. She wasn’t a normal child. So different isn’t the word for it—She was just Rue.

Rue suffered from anxiety and depression. Her depression was prolonged. She didn’t ask to be depressed she just became depressed. She grew up with it. At one point she became an overthinker. She’d overthink the most smallest things ever. All Rue wanted is for her to be happy.

Intro by J cole is about yearning happiness after being so sad for so long. Rue is the perfect example for this song.

Rue bennett

She suffered from substance abuse. Drugs—drugs—drugs. Drugs became her coping mechanism. Drugs became her happiness. The happiest she’s ever been as she said.

Rue had her reasons though. I loved Rue. I loved everything about her. The way her voice sounds soft while narrating about her trauma and her close friends. She was soft. She’s kind. She’s sweet but that doesn’t mean she’s happy. As much she can treat her people with kindness or pretended to be okay doesn’t mean she was actually okay.

She had mental health issues. She didn’t feel like she could take it anymore. She became suicidal. Her dad fell sick so immediately after and while her dad was heavily sick, she discovered those drugs. It started with small pills, just like how’d you take pills for flu or any type of illness. She loved the feeling that came with it.

Rue’s mom never gets held accountable and it shocks me sometimes. I mean the yelling and forcing her child to go to rehab was out of concern. But I don’t understand how she didn’t take a chance or an opportunity to understand her child. Everything was about drugs—drugs—drugs. She didn’t even realise her child didn’t even become sober.

Rue’s favourite person was her dad. She felt comfort in her dad. When he fell sick and sadly died, Rue became more depressed—more than she already was. I understand her. There’s absolutely nothing that could heal you from the loss of your right hand. It’s like you died emotionally but physically have to still be alive. Rue saw her dad as everything to her. He meant so much to her.

She said it herself.

After so many years of trying to keep it together. She met Jules.

I’d say Jules was her best friend. They met after Jules moved to the new school, Rue was in.

Jules.

Jules was a girl who also had mental health issues. She didn’t mainly take drugs as a coping mechanism but she would get high sometimes. When Jules was young, she wasn’t normal as much Rue wasn’t—She was Jules.

Jules’s mom took her to a physic ward without her consent. That changed her forever. Her mom gave up too early on her. She didn’t want to take time to actually hear Jules out as young as she was. Jules although loved her dad with everything in her.

Jules and Rue.

When Jules and Rue met, it became more deeper and deeper. They both loved each other but in reality they were in love with each other. They decided to make it romantic. It didn’t work out though. Rue felt so deep for Jules. Then Jules felt for her too but she still had a bit of emptiness in her so she couldn’t be in love with Rue completely.

Rue’s drug addiction.

Referencing Jules.

Jules was like a new drug that Rue could try. Drugs made Rue happy. So Jules obviously made Rue very happy. She felt high everytime when she was around Jules. By high I mean she was extremely pleased to be around Jules. She never wanted to live life sober so Jules became a drug. That’s what love is. A drug.

Fezco was like Rue’s big brother. She got introduced to drugs by him. I mean I’m not mad at him for that. Rue said it herself that in life as you grow up, you make a choice. So her choice was to do drugs regardless of what they can do to you.

Fezco and Rue.

Fezco didn’t introduce drugs to Rue with bad intentions. He just sold drugs and happened to sell them to Rue. Rue and him developed a sister and brother relationship. That’s how they became close. So drugs are good for a moment till they ruin your life. They make you forget how much you love the people around you so everything becomes about yourself. You become a bit selfish.

So what I’m saying is Rue blamed Fezco for introducing her drugs. Luckily Fez knew that drugs have such side effects and he didn’t take it to the heart. Rue said Fez ruined her life. But in reality she just lost herself while doing the drugs.

She suffered from multiple withdrawals. Even when she tried to stay sober, she couldn’t. Her being her sober self would mean she’d have to stay with her emotions and face them head on. So that would mean she’d have to think about every traumatic situation and overthink.

Drugs are like alcohol but more severe. They can ruin your life. They could change you but when you’re high and happy? You’re high and happy. That’s it , that’s all.

When Rue decided to go to Rehab, she wasn’t ready to let go. You can’t let go if you’re not ready to. So no matter how much you try to let go, you won’t.

So yes Rue wasn’t ready to let go of her coping mechanism.

At one point Rue started befriending people who she related to and who acted exactly like her. People like elliot. Elliot was also an addict. Just like Rue.

So the day Jules left Rue and by left I mean , she decided to choose herself and visit at her happy place. Sadly Rue wasn’t Jules’s first choice. But Jules was Rue’s. So when that happened, it made her feel worse about herself.

Rue decided to let go of Jules. So Jules realised that Rue relapsed. She decided to tell her mom. The same mom that wasn’t going to allow that. The same mom that didn’t trust Rue. Even when Rue was sober, she wouldn’t believe it. That was the problem.

The more you don’t trust someone, the more they won’t trust themselves either. Even if they try to change, they know you won’t believe they did. So that’s you basically pushing them away. You don’t trust them so why should they want to be around you?

That’s where Rue’s mom got it wrong.

A addiction doesn’t start overnight. It’s almost the same as resentment. They both build up. So when they finally found a stable foundation, they are there to stay. It’s not easy to let them go. It won’t happen overnight. It might even take years to heal from them. So yes that’s what Rue was going through.

When one of her favourite drugs (Jules) snitched out on her. She felt betrayed. I mean Jules wasn’t completely wrong for telling her mom but Rue did say how she felt about her mom. That’s like someone using some thing you told them in confidence against you.

After the rain, the tears, the pain and the prolonged suffering, she met someone.

Someone that reminded her of her dad—Someone that actually became her dad.

She met Ali.

Ali also once suffered from a drug addiction. It took him years to get over it though. Hence I said it’s not easy to let go of someone that’s ruining your life. Just like love. Actually the feeling of being unable to let go of something is love.

Ali became a dad to her. The same dad that she lost at a young age.

So yes every addict does have people that mean so much to them.

Every addict needs a friend.

They need comfort.

They need love.

But most importantly they need support.

I understand Rue. I always will. She had people around her but they never took the chance to understand why she is the way she is.

Addicts have reasons. They have their reasons.

Life is already so hard so having no one that can take time to get to know you is sad.

Rue needed a friend. That is what Ali was to her.

Intro by J cole talks about the exact happiness that Rue has been searching for her entire life. That’s what Rue and the song means to me. It’s like the song was made for her.

Wow.

I think I lost God. I’m not even phrasing this in a bad way. Most people say God is there for us all but I beg to differ. Not saying this in a selfish way but I don’t think he treats us in the same way.

Every atheist, agonist or anyone who would question God has their own personal story about why they left religion alone.

But I think I’ll just speak for myself. I grew up praying, I was usually taught to pray all the time. I grew up in a christian household. Obviously if you grow up in a christian home, you’re bound to be christian yourself. Well that’s what I thought.

I’d say I lost God 2 years ago from now. It didn’t happen overnight. It took years of praying for change that never came. It felt like the more I pray—the more it gets worse.

I think the most heart wrenching thing to experience is watch yourself pray, fast, and try to hope for progression and peace. All to get nothing in return. I think we all know that they say we must come as we are, that’s understandable but I came as I am and still nothing.

People sweat so hard for a life that is bearable to live and he gets credited every time—I think this is mostly selfish. It’s like a group project that has people who bearly work but at the end of the day all the people in the group get credited.

Most people say God doesn’t play about them or is always there for the rescue. Oh well..he plays about me. Just making a buffoonery out of me.

The sooner I realised I’m genuinely not one of his favourites, I left him alone. I used to be afraid to miss a day without praying because I’d be afraid of dying or not being able to make it one day. Till I realised when life won’t be your friend, it won’t be. If it’s not meant to be , it won’t be—And we all gonna pass on one day. No matter how painful your death is. It’s life.

I’d say life is not the best right now. It will never be of course but I just need to give my life meaning. With or without his help. I genuinely cannot wait for 20 years to finally see change. Time is running out, we won’t be young forever.

Oh he has favourites and that’s all. We all won’t be his favourites. I’m definitely not one of them. It’s okay..

Life has been way more bearable to live ever since I learnt to leave him alone. I don’t wish to bother him at all. I wish to do it by myself. I don’t wish to go back to religion. What a rocky journey but it’s okay to let go sometimes.

This might sound stupid to people who he favours—But that’s because he favours YOU not everyone else.

I’m jealous of those he favours. His little eggs.

It would’ve been so delightful to be one of them but re tlareng.

So yes the answer to the title is NO.

oh hey my love.

i’d say i never thought id write a love letter to someone. only because it’s something that’s so deep for me to actually express myself to someone.

i haven’t met you yet. you could be someone i talk to everyday, someone i saw on my fyp or someone im still yet to meet. im in a state where im not ready to be in a relationship but for you, i’ll drop my big girl act. the big girl act that convinces herself that she’s fine by herself. the big girl whose mrs independent, mrs i’ll do it myself.

i’d probably dedicate this song to you. you’d mean that much.

i’d love to hear about your day, your insecurities, your interests and everything else that makes you, YOU. no matter how small or big. i’d love to hear it. i’d love for you to also feel unconditionally loved by me. for you to feel at home around me.

i want to be your best friend—i want to be your safe space—i want to be the one you run to after a bad day—i want you to feel important without any fear or doubt.

i know we won’t have the most perfect relationship, it would be impossible to believe that we’ll both agree to everything or won’t have silly arguments so i’ll say i wish we actually get past everything we fight over or disagree over.

i’d right my wrongs for you in a heartbeat.

i want to learn or study you to a point where it makes you feel naked. not physically but emotionally. i’d like to learn you so badly that i get to know you more than you know yourself. for me to know that you’re not okay only from the way you breath or the sudden change of tone when you talk to me.

one thing that i’d also love to experience is to for you to actually tell me why you’re not okay. for you to drop your toxic masculinity around me. for you to realise that it’s okay to open up as a man. for me to actually see a part of you that you’d hesitate to show to society.

i want the polaroid pictures at the back of my phone cover.

the little cute paragraphs.

the outfits we match unexpectedly.

the pictures i’d love to see on my lock screen as soon as i open my eyes.

to grow old together.

the only thing that would separate us is death.

although it would be unbearable to do life without, that’s how life goes.

when two people are loyal , time cheats.

but what i will say is that i want to be your best friend.

and mostly importantly i also want to be the love of your life as much as you are mine.

i’d want you to think of me on bad days and say “at least i have the loml”.

that’s how much i’d love to spend every moment with you.

writing this seems stupid because it’s possible that i might not even meet you.

i might not even get the chance to love you.

to get to make love to you.

and to make you feel appreciated.

but if i do, i hope you know i love you.

224

today.

tomorrow.

and forever.

i absolutely cannot wait to meet you one day.

i’d write more but it would be more valuable if i got to chance to show all i’ve said in this letter to you.

i promise it sounds so corny to write this but id love to do the most corniest things as long as i just get to love you.

i hope you feel the same way.

& i hope you let me love you.

unconditionally.

i really hope i get to meet you one day.

maybe not now but one day.

i’d say the most important thing in a relationship is love itself but i’d be lying. it is the actually the ability to let yourself to be loved. without fear, without being afraid of being hurt again. & most importantly to let yourself trust someone else other than yourself.

i will say getting hurt after letting your guard down is the worst thing that you could experience. the disappointment & the endless insecurities of feeling like you should’ve done things differently or to even feel uncertain about your looks.

but it was never about your appearance or how you treated them as a person, it is the fact that you were in love with the wrong person. how you were in love who didn’t appreciate you. you felt so deeply for someone who didn’t feel as deep for you. & most importantly you were in love with the idea of what they could’ve been.

but why do you give up on love so easily? your whole perception on love changed over one person who didn’t appreciate you. you became so miserable over one person. you shut people out over one person. sad reality is that you’re the only one doing this. the other person is getting to know other people, getting to love other people & allowing themselves to be loved. but before you feel like i’m disregarding how you handled the breakup, listen…

we all heal differently. some shut out people forever. some commit suicide sadly, which is understandable. it’s not easy to get over situations. some go into full depression mode.

all of these are understandable.

okay hear me out though.

let your guard down, let someone care for you?

let me show you that there’s actually more to it. there’s more to life than heartbreak. more to life than losing yourself over someone else’s behaviour.

you cannot think everyone is out to get you or to hurt you.

if you’re not in the right state of mind to get to know someone, please leave them alone. punishing someone innocent over what someone else did to you is you doing the same thing that was done to you.

you didn’t like being treated like that so why would you want to treat someone like that ?

i mean..

we love differently.

we all care differently.

we all communicate differently.

and

we all show affection differently.

you cannot want to punish everyone else for something one person did to you. that’s like you treating everyone else how you were treated. the same way you never wanted to be treated. that’s how you are treating everyone else.

allow yourself to be vulnerable. allow yourself to actually speak out about something made you feel without feeling stupid. it wouldn’t hurt to get to know other people other than your ex. not everyone will act the same as what you’re used to.

allow yourself to actually feel free to be around someone. to have the ability to express yourself to someone without doubt.

i mean they’ll always be disappointment whether it’d be in a relationship or even friendship.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Comparison is like you wanting the other person to treat you how you treated before. It’s basically you telling yourself that what you once settled for is enough. The unnecessary lies, toxicity and lack of respect or commitment.

You run away from love when it is clearly presented to you but you’d go back to someone who made you feel less in a heartbeat?

So do you want love or are you yearning for torture?

Do you love the feeling of being ignored for hours?

Do you love the feeling of feeling less?

Do you love the feeling of having to go to bed in tears?

Is that what love means to you?

I mean it’s not easy to forget about someone who was your daily routine.

The endless calls—multiple dates—the cute paragraphs—the pictures.

Everything basically.

But snap back to reality.

A person treating you unfairly is them telling you that it will never be you. You’ll be a priority in their life as much they were in yours.

The person you were in love with doesn’t exist.

It was all an illusion.

Please heal.

Let go.

And

Let yourself love and to be loved.

We are not your ex.

you took your last breath today. i always knew the day will come where we have to depart but i was never ready. i think i wasn’t ever going to be ready.

i prayed yesterday for you to finally be at peace. you suffered so much but you surely did stay strong for me. you’d always tell me that no matter what happens or how life goes on, you’ll always be there for me to cry in your arms.

i’d describe you as more of a best friend than my grandfather. you were someone that each and every person i’d know, would have to know you. i spoke about you all the time.

you and grandma.

i always loved the relationship between you and her. if i had to choose the type of love story i want. i’d choose yours with her.

i hope she finds peace with you departing from us. we love you dearly. we’ll cherish you forever.

i’ll forever miss our conversations. people know how close we were but they’ll never actually understand how we meant to each other. that’s a bond that we only have and will forever know.

everyone described me as the love of your life. you were mine too:)

if life is fair to me, i wish to make you proud. for you to smile down. for you to actually be proud i kept your legacy alive. the “smart” legacy. oh my principal. your legacy will forever live on. i’ll make sure of that.

i’ll be the black child that you always wanted to prevail. to make up for all the years of suffering in apartheid. they’ll never be at peace for the way, you were treated in those years.

for the first time, i’m not mad at God. he took you at your lowest and i hope he is giving you peace.

rest in eternal peace my heart.

i love you old man.

today.

tomorrow.

and forever.

till we meet again.

i hope you are my grandfather in the next life too.

they are absolutely right.

but there’s more to it.

i grew up as someone who knows how to speak their mind. my parents weren’t the best at being able to speak with but i learnt to.

being an only child meant being emotionally available and emotionally attached most of the time. you don’t see the world the same. most of the time, you’re alone. matter fact, you’re always alone.

you get attached to friendships. you value friendships more because those people are not just friends but family. you become so attached that anytime you fallout with one of your friends, it will be a horrendous experience.

you didn’t just lose a friend, you lost the sibling you never had.

then relationships as a only child are another story. you expect so much from the other person. you expect attention and affection 24/7. this is only because you finally found your person. you’re alone 90% of the time so you finally let someone get to know you on a deeper level. you invite them into your space.

so when they leave, it rewires your brain. you realise that they could’ve just left you alone. they saw a side of you that not everyone else gets to see.

it gets better as you grow up. you realise that not any amount of loneliness will eat you up because you’re always alone. it’s not a new thing to you.

sadly you become an avoidant. you stop expecting more from people. your walls are always high because you’re scared of someone ruining the peace you’ve created for yourself.

you have so much fear in putting trust in someone else because 90% , it never works out with the person.

also relationships with your family members.

your cousins mean so much to you. you’re so attached to them. they play a big role in your life. you grow up being told they are your siblings till you realise that they do have their siblings and they’d protect each other at all costs.

so the reality hits again that you’re alone.

you can be surrounded by so many people but you’ll still feel alone, because you are.

sometimes expressing yourself to people seems selfish. you start feeling you’re sounding too self centred or you feel like you’re bragging when you speak about how you’ve never had to share anything with anyone else. it was just you growing up.

but people don’t realise that’s your reality. that’s who you are and will forever be.

you also wish to have a big family but you’ve never had or experienced one.

being an only child doesn’t only revolve around getting everything handed to you. not every only child is living the dream life or the fantasy that people tend to say they are living.

some only children grew up without a dad present, a single mother who tried so hard to make them live comfortably. your relationship with your parents obviously shapes the person you are or you’ll be one day. it can either make you or break you.

being an only child also means your parents expect more from you. we all know blood isn’t thicker than water. not everyone in your family has good intentions towards you sadly.

as an only child, you’ll lose your parents one day. you’ll be alone as always. i’ve already lost my dad and it really opened my eyes that i’m so scared to lose my mom as well. as much we don’t get along, i love the lady. she means the most to me.

but as only child…

if you don’t make it, you’re basically cooked.

your biggest wish as only child is to make it. and make it big.

you wish to make your parents proud.

but in reality, you’re making yourself proud.

as much you worked hard, you did it for yourself.

you made lonely boy/girl you are proud.

it caught my attention. not because i was impressed or wowed by it but i was disgusted and disappointed.

everyone has their own opinions—own beliefs—own preferences.

i never really understood the idea of someone feeling entitled to say something about what someone believes but gets so aggravated when someone responds.

i don’t read the bible as often. i don’t pray as often. i don’t visit church. i do not feel guilty about it. i never will.

so i decided take a look through one of the passages.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29.

it stuck with me. i was at a loss for words.

i always identified as christian. i stopped believing. i don’t regret it. i grew up with christianity. i felt at home.

i became agnostic.

but am i agnostic or i just don’t want to identify as anything.

Rape. Yes Rape.

Why do we have to call it “Grape”. It’s Rape.

It shouldn’t be censored. The person who committed that act should know that we are not hiding it.

You’re guilty.

I usually see posts about women gone missing. How they were killed because a man couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

How people excuse it for him having “needs”.

Needs with someone’s else’s body. Their soul.

Multiple women go missing in a day. Not a week.

A child was assaulted.

A woman was assaulted.

They deconstruct, you lose your marbles?

Why?

Most excuse it with forgiving the perpetrator of his act after he’s done time.

All because he ran back to God.

Because he forgives all.

He heals all.

All in due time.

Time? Time that a woman had to use to heal from what had happened to them.

But the thing about time, it doesn’t heal.

It happened years ago but you still feel it today.

The man is forgiven because he ran to God.

Where does the woman run to?

The problem with people having an opinion on something is that they entitled for such an opinion—but has it happened to you?

Do you know what you’re talking about? Have you been in such a position.

Where you feel entitled and comfortable to judge someone for their deconstruction?

You call it disrespect towards your belief but you and their other person didn’t experience it the same.

You’re dismissing someone’s emotions or views on it.

All because you have a whole different perspective on it.

We see things differently.

Yes we do. We don’t comprehend the same. Everyone has a different way of expressing something.

Deconstruction doesn’t happen overnight.

It takes time.

You realise things.

You see things differently.

No one is allowed to mock your religion or belief, yes—but why are you allowed to mock theirs?

All because your religion or belief is more known.

More recognised?

Back to the verse that made me write this.

Why are such acts excused by hand in marriage?

Years and years of trying to forget that you were raped as a woman is paid.

They call it damages.

You paying for an act, you committed.

As an apology?

Women aren’t goods.

They are humans.

But—Again showing that, the bible will always favour the man.

This is a man’s world.

Women just side characters.

Justice is an illusion.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but something crossed my mind recently. I was having a conversation with my friend about relationships.

I asked her about the type of person she wants to end up with and be with forever.

We had that thought of “but who will want commitment while young”.

Then it hit me that we are all young.

The concept of a guy as young as you telling you that you can’t go out because they wouldn’t appreciate that.

“awuyi lapho”

excuse me Sir, we’re young.

But hold on, I believe this generation is traumatised. Everyone doesn’t fully believe that their partner is a good person for them.

Everyone thinks they’ll eventually get cheated on. I don’t blame them though. It’s understandable when you’ve been hurt.

But…

Why do you think everyone is the same?

Why do you think we are the same as your ex?

I think people don’t heal. Not because they don’t want to heal but they want to be in the same situation forever. They start thinking, that’s all they deserve?

Other issue that contributes to over familiarity.

Sad actually.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be loyal because you’re young but to give up your whole life for a relationship while young?

Oh no.

Why do you have to miss out on your youth years because another person wouldn’t appreciate you going out?

Respect in a relationship is important yes but being a homebody because someone said they would never date someone who goes out?

While they go out every chance they get? Strange.

You change your real self just to satisfy the other person?

You have to stay home and they don’t? All because they don’t trust you?

What’s a relationship without trust? Why are you with a person who thinks the worst for you?

Are you in a relationship or are you obeying someone who is the same age as you.

That’s not your guardian or parent?

Also the money thing.

A relationship should be 50/50.

You can’t expect someone who is still young and trying life for the first time just like you to take care of you.

You’re also trying life. You’re trying to measure up as much as they are.

It doesn’t seem like relationships anymore.

It sounds very transactional.

That’s not love.

Why should relationships be 70/30 nowadays?

Why would we even hide ourselves all because of trying to satisfy someone else?

Aren’t we supposed to grow together?

See life together?

Be young together?

Why are you a parent to your own partner?

Your own age mate?

What’s the point really?

Social media has become so influential. Instagram is the proof. The app is full of rich people who are trying to compete with who’s richer. It is not an app to be posting about other interests other than an aesthetic picture.

The picture has to be picture perfect, clear quality and it must get views.

Without views you’re nothing according to the social media standards. People have even forgotten to live without being in competition with other people. They lack confidence, all because a particular person posted something that looked way cooler than theirs.

Do you even remember life without social media—how you were comfortable in your own body—how you didn’t feel the need to dress up everyday—how you actually loved yourself.

“Whatever she said in her prayers”

Have you seen the news lately?

Do you know about the woman in afghanistan.

Do you know people are committing suicide?

Did you know the white rhino is went extinct recently.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You’ll never be happy with your life if you’re so focused on someone else’s. You’re not insecure, you’re hooked on the fact that someone will have an opinion about you—about your looks.

With social media, you’ll look at someone and how they are so loved by their partner—you’ll wish to be them. till you find out that their only loved on the internet and getting treated like nothing behind closed doors.

You see the pretty flowers.

The unlimited amount of gifts and the money they get sent.

You pray it was you…You pray.

Keep in mind that you can easily pretend on social media. Anyone believes anything.

Those flowers you see.

The cars.

The gifts.

Some might be bought as a way of asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what?

For infidelity.

Yet you’re praying to be just like them.

You look at someone’s lifestyle and how you’d love living the same way—till you see they are in insane scandals for that type of money.

The houses.

The clothes they wear.

Their shoes.

for example:

You’ll never really know what is truly happening until it is revealed. They show you what you want to see—not what you wouldn’t enjoy discovering.

You’re wishing to be like someone—not knowing that they are so evil.

They are corrupt too.

Celebrity culture is proof that social media standards are unhealthy.

There is a new trend—you fall pregnant, you instantly have to snap back.

This where BBL’s come in. The poor celebrities would rather risk their health in order to impress people for likes.

A like means nothing by the way.

The snap back is expected right after pregnancy.

You have to get your original body. All this just to avoid to be body shamed.

I really feel for celebrities too. They are treated like they aren’t humans too. Anyone feels so comfortable to call a celebrity ugly because they wouldn’t get cancelled for it.

So imagine waking up as a celebrity to see those hate comment—worse part is that you have to wake up and act like you’re okay.

I’ll forget preach that you’re wasting your time having so much envy and idolising people on the internet. You’ve never met or know that person personally.

You only know what they’ve felt comfortable to say to you.

Stop wishing for things you see on the internet.

You’re young. You have so much things to see, people to meet and places to be.

Social media is not real.

But you are.

*awkwardly.

i haven’t seen you in years. i was always shocked about it mainly because we were close—i was your last born.

you treated me like a princess for all the things i would see you consistently. i would always visit you or make sure that i get to see you.

one day it stopped. i was young and i didn’t really know what’s going on.

i never wanted to choose between you and mom. both of you guys meant so much to me.

i turned 19 but—18 was the most unbearable age to turn without you. i always wanted to get to know you better. people would usually look at mom and just tell from first glance that i look exactly like you.

i grew up thinking you just left abruptly and just abandoned me. i was shattered. my pain for the whole thought of you became anger.

Till it became Resentment.

i wrote one of my articles about you this year. how i felt towards you, just going awol and not saying anything. i never got to know my siblings too, growing up.

me writing the article earlier this, i did not know that i would find out something so interesting and i never knew it would be so life changing. i didn’t know it would give me the answer i’m looking for.

i spoke in anger in my article. i even went to the extent of sounding very resentful towards you.

at one point i spoke to my closest cousin. i spoke about how id love to see you again. and i wished that we clicked again.

we spoke about it being an adventure to find you. as angry as i was at you, i still wanted to see you.

i never knew what happened between you and mom. i didn’t feel the need to ask. most people would tell me to just forget about your existence.

i tried to…i tried.

but how can i forget about you when you’re part of the reason i exist too.

so one day i tried to actually find you. i thought it would lead to a deep end. i knew that me trying to find you would either make me or break me.

well it broke me…

yes it did.

you weren’t around most of the time but it still broke me.

I knew you’d never leave so abruptly and just abandon me.

I had wished to ask you questions on why you weren’t around most of the time but of course time cheated.

Me doing my own research and constructing a plan to find you. I actually did find you.

I found my siblings too. I always knew them from birth but I never really got to know them in a way that I had wanted.

Just when I got excited to finally get to see you and hear from you…

I found out, you passed on years ago.

You didn’t abandon me, you died.

I was shattered.

I was happy to hear from my siblings that you gave me but I couldn’t hear from you…

I still mourn you. Not that we had a longtime relationship but the years that we did actually have to together.

I knew it could’ve been more than it was.

But I’ll still forever remember you and cherish the memories we had together.

I can’t find it in my heart to hate you because I don’t.

I hope you resting in peace. I also hope it gave you the peace.

I love you Dad.

Forever and always.

Okay let’s speak. you preach about how God loves everyone. I often hear about people who are religious, specifically christian’s-yes christian’s.

I have a couple of gay friends. I love them more than anything. they bring me joy and peace. my best friends is gay. one of the best people i’ve ever met.

I used to be a full on christian, till I became a lukewarm christian-then i became agonistic. i never thought i’d turn into one. I thought people would judge me. Then later on,I realised that I’m not going to really care about how they feel about my change because I have valid reasons.

The ✨LGBTQ community✨.

When we talk about people who support each other regardless. We talk about this community. The community that’s easily seen as “devilish” because they are in LOVE with the same gender.

These people are so afraid to come out the closet because what you would say. You as someone who is religious and homophobic.

When you see a gay man or a lesbian. You go “God would not allow this”. But the last time I checked, you said God loves everyone.

You’re using the bible to homophobic yet again.

Sometimes I wonder how does God feel seeing his children fight against each other—because of their sexuality.

If God is so powerful and meaningful to you then why are you mistreating his children. You’re his child too right?

I usually find a lot of the LGBTQ in churches. They go there to pray, to find closure or to pray that they are accepted for who they are. To God ,not you.

They don’t do it for you. They do it for themselves.

Homophobia is actually insanity. Pure insanity.

You’re so pressed about two people who are the same gender being in love.

You want to murder someone for being Gay or Lesbian?

That’s a human being mind you. Just like you.

Or what, is it because you think God will see you and think you’re gay too?

Oh okay…

If you want to be so righteous then why are you so selective with who, you’ll be kind to.

You’re not kind to another human being but you are religious?

I repeat, you’re not kind.

I really don’t care what the bible says.

The bible is written in contradiction. There’s a lot of contradiction. We all don’t know who wrote the bible. I don’t even think God himself wrote it.

As a child I was told that God left pages on earth and someone picked them up and made one full book.

Funny right? Yes.

Contradiction in the bible is so clear.

“Love one another”

But when a Gay man and Lesbian woman love, you complain. You lose YOUR MIND.

The lord said come as you are but when they come Gay or lesbian ,you discriminate or judge them?

They came as they are though?

What’s the issue?

For 10 marks.

Which one is it? Love or love but be selective when doing it.

With Lesbians, it’s a thing of two women being in love with each other. They are attracted to each other right.

But what’s so sick is how immediately when a woman mentions that they are attracted to other women, men immediately think “I can change you”.

Change what?

Some men go to the extent of suggesting both, the woman and her partner who is also one to be intimate with him—All this to make his dream come true or to fulfil his fantasy.

SICK.

Then with Gay men, they are treated like they aren’t human. Here’s the rule "if you’re gay, you’re not man enough”.

Here’s another crazy rule “if you’re gay, you aren’t allowed to be out the closet”

This is where the discrimination comes in. When you see a gay man, you think of how he is intimate with another man. You shame him.

You even say or describe what they do to intimate with their partners.

But you as the “homophobic” man, ask your gf for the same type of intimacy—Exactly how gay men do “it”.

So are you homophobic or you’re just afraid to admit you’re gay too?

Also when the ladies, whenever I see a gay man posting himself, the women are like “not you too” or “who are we going to marry”.

oh i never knew gay men owe you a relationship or marriage.

is that your asset?

DL Men.

Abo straight by day but gay by 21:01.

Known as “After 9s”.

With DL men, it’s so obvious to point them out. They are overly homophobic. They would fight for their life to just try to convince us that they are straight.

They speak down on gay men.

But text them by night.

Majority of straight men are good friends to their gay friends. They don’t feel uncomfortable around them. They don’t feel the need to shame them. They know gay men are humans just like them.

But the 21:01, is inhumane.

But only before 21:01.

So in conclusion, you’re discriminating against yourself as the 21:01.

You’re so caught up on what people would think or say. You care about outside voices.

It’s okay, come out of the closet ❤️

I despise anyone who is rude to my friends—Especially my friends who are in the LGBTQ community. As soon you make a bad comment about them, I’m letting you go.

Whether you’re a friend or a romantic partner.

Why are you so bothered and obsessed about the community.

They don’t do anything to you.

They don’t talk to you and they don’t bother you.

Homophobia is also an example of Jealousy—to a certain extent of course.

You’re jealous that they are more confident than you. They are more intelligent than you.

hm: they are hotter or more attractive than you.

You’re so pressed on how they are able to express themselves without caring about your opinion.

So are you homophobic or you just lack confidence or trust in yourself.

Actually…

Are you homophobic because you’re gay too?

i never understood why i once did that too. i was young and naive.

i’d always try to understand it from their perspective.

i’d always say things like

“maybe they didn’t mean it”

“maybe they’ve been hurt before”

“maybe i did something wrong”

i understand when people aren’t able to speak up about their feelings so i’d always use it as an excuse to think that they didn’t mean to hurt me.

i grew up.

finally i grew up.

i was always emotionally able and i’d hear out anyone who would speak.

so when i did grow up, i realised a lot.

like how much i’d make excuses for other people. i never saw that people knew what they are doing. i’d usually ask other people to see if they feel the same way about how i view a particular situation.

they’d always be on side. i would always tell them to be honest and firm so i know i’m in the wrong too. i never wanted to admit that i was the problem at one point.

yes i was.

i did mistreat other people. i didn’t see things in a way that they did.

till finally i apologised for the actions. i didn’t expect to be forgiven immediately. i just wanted them to know that i am sorry for mistreating them. i never wanted to make someone feel that way.

so long story short, i apologised and moved on with my life. i didn’t want rekindle anything. it’s okay to move on please.

yes you, it’s okay to move on.

okay so now that i grew up.

i was having a conversation with someone about a particular guy she was interested.

she then told me about their situation. the guy told her that he wants to “go with the flow”. i know she values love and loyalty. so i asked her

“are you sure about this guy”

she replied “yes”.

the yes wasn’t too convincing to me.

i knew it wasn’t convincing. i know my girl.

long story short, they stopped talking.

so we had a conversation about the same guy yet again.

this time it wasn’t about him and her being good terms. she told me how she was very hurt about the situation.

of course i listened to her rant. till i heard her make the same excuses i used to make for people.

“maybe he’s going through a lot”.

yes i get it, we all go through everything. but i’m such a firm believer that if you’re going through something, you have no business being with someone or to be talking to someone.

if you know you aren’t going to be consistent with your interest in that person.

please leave them alone.

yes you, leave them alone?

i feel like this generation has normalised cheating and how it should be handled as a simple thing.

cheating is literally the biggest form of BETRAYAL.

you betrayed someone who loved you. you did it without no regrets. you used the “i’ve been hurt before” excuse to hurt someone who didn’t do anything to you.

back to my actual point.

it’s okay to move on.

it’s okay to let go.

it’s okay to cry or whine over it for months or even years.

but when you actually heal…

move on.

people know what they are doing. they know how much a situation can do damage to you and they’ll still do it. everyone thinks for themselves. well most…

some are considerate over other people’s feelings but never their own.

don’t be this one.

yes you can be considerate but to a person who isn’t considerate of you?

savannah please…

i love ,love.

i love everything about it.

but when it comes to settling down for cheating because of how much they loved the other person?

aowa. stop it.

giving someone multiple chances and them ruining the first one, should be a sign.

and i am NOT referring to you forgiving cheating.

NO!!!

anything but that.

you can’t expect a person to be loyal or considerate of you ,just because you forgave them.

matter fact,people are evil. shamelessly at that.

they will see it as an opportunity to keep on doing the same thing to you.

all because you keep on making excuses for them.

“it’s their first time living”

did you remember that it’s yours too?

ba tlogele. it’s okay.

and i mean it in the realest way possible.

ba tlogele.

Oh.

I was in 7th grade when I discovered this album. I fell in love with Summer’s voice.

I always had a feeling I’d relate more to her. I,then got to high school. Keep in mind that I hated high school.

That’s not the point right now.

I was having a conversation with my best friend about this album. I thought I was crazy for being so in love with this album.

My best friend LOVES it too.

Summer gave it her all.

I have a few songs that stand out to me in that album.

Over it- The first song on the album.

My favourite question.

I always felt as though, I’m “a lot” for a person. I felt like maybe the reason for me not being a long lasting relationship is because I’m too much to handle.

I love this song please…

Playing games.

This is such a sensitive topic for me.

I resonate with this song. She really expresses how she didn’t want to be spoiled, she just wanted to be loved and shown off.

It’s literally that simple. Love me and I’ll love you forever.

I’ll love you with your flaws.

I’ll appreciate your effort.

Without the money.

Without gifts.

Just love me as much as I do.

Effort is so important. You can’t claim to be so in love but can go days without saying anything to me. If I have to point out that you’re distant towards me, then you’re not in love with me.

I’ll kill you ft Jhene.

I never understood the concept of having to fight with other girl for a guy.

Why do I have to compete against another girl. I wouldn’t want to be with someone while I know someone else has their attention. I need your full attention. I need YOU. I don’t want to share a connection with you while you have a similar connection with another girl.

Body.

She expressed herself in a way that her body only craves one person. She only wants to share a connection with her lover.

I love this song so much mainly because I know how it feels to crave conversations or just to spend time with your person. You don’t want to bother them but you want to be in their space. Even if it’s for a little while.

Girls need love.

I hate how a woman is judged for wanting intimacy with her partner. When a man does it, it’s seen as normal. When a woman speaks on it, she seems too hypersexual.

Most women see intimacy as a way to be closer to their partner. They see it as a way of being submissive towards their person. They don’t want to have sex. They want to make love.

I understand what Summer was talking about.

And lastly…

Potential.

Summer sounded as though, she isn’t afraid of commitment. She wants to be committed to her person.

She isn’t afraid of showing him off or loving him out loudly. She wishes that her partner feels the same way as she does.

She lastly wishes that he doesn’t fall out love with her.

I’d still this album makes me feel girly. I feel like a woman. I feel safe enough to know that other women feel the same way as I do.

I feel so feminine when I listen to this album.

It explained how I feel.

Word for word.

Bar for bar.

If you think of me, play this album.

I have other favourites on the album tho…

These stick out to me the most.

I feel it Summer.

I’m usually one person who can leave people alone.

You stop talking to me? I do the same.

You become distant? I leave you alone.

You make me feel like I’m a burden to you? I let you go.

I can do all these. Not because I necessarily want to leave you alone but because I have to. I hate feeling like a nuisance or “being too much”. I always try my best to make sure that I make a person feel seen or heard.

Whether it be a friend or a romantic partner.

I although struggle with ✨Nostalgia ✨

Nostalgia is such a bittersweet feeling. I always say I don’t think about anyone from my past.

I don’t but….

I always have lingering memories in the back of my mind.

I think about how happy I was with the person or the people.

Especially when it comes to friendship.

I love having a friend. Someone who I can fully be myself around without having to put on a facade.

A friend who I can fully express myself around without worrying that they’ll tell someone else about it.

Friendship breakups are one of the reasons why I struggle with nostalgia.

My mind craves the feeling I got around someone who meant something to me.

Someone who made me feel comfortable.

Someone who validated my emotions.

I usually think of a friend I had from primary. We had been friends since I was 7.

We had a friendship fallout in 10th grade. I had never had an argument with her or even disagreed with her.

When we stopped talking, I really thought it would be a thing that we could fix. I thought I could rekindle with my friend.

She meant everything to me. My mom adored her too. That’s how much she meant to me.

I have nothing bad to say about her. She was a sweetheart to me. I did respect her decision by deciding not to be friends anymore.

I still think about her tho….

Yes I do think about her…

From time to time obviously.

I hope she’s doing well tho.

Memories.

Oh memories.

I have such a good memories with people, I wouldn’t talk to ever again. I don’t regret knowing the people from my past.

It was good when it was good. I appreciate that.

That’s where ✨Nostalgia ✨comes in.

I’d define Nostalgia as thinking about the potential you could’ve had with people from your past.

You’re stuck on what could’ve been or how you could’ve done it better.

You think about how you could’ve easily worked out.

*Pondering.

I always used to think the problem with me is that I always think that I wasn’t enough for the person that meant something to me.

I think maybe I didn’t treat them right or make them feel heard.

Till I realised I’m not embarrassed to let someone know that I miss them.

Or that I still care for them…

I communicate as much as I can.

I reach out…

Hence I get so hung up on the potential.

I know I communicated and reached out

But why couldn’t they?

I always wish to stop being caught on the past.

On the potential.

On the “we could’ve been”.

Nostalgia will end me one day.

I’ll forever miss the memories of the past. The good ones of course.

I’ll always think a person didn’t mean to do me dirty.

Of course I’m making an excuse for them

But…

I think about what type of person they’d be in a perfect world.

The version I created of them in my head.

But again, We not not perfect.

-thanks for reading dolls

Tumi.

19

What a weird age for me.

I’ve heard people talk about how their 19 theory was about a girl or a boy. I always thought it was an exaggeration but I turnt 19.

I experienced one of the most nerve wrecking situations ever, in matric. Bear in mind that I hated high school already. I never understood why people liked high school so much. Oh, I hated it from just the first day.

High school is like a place where bullies feel so comfortable to bully people because they won’t be called out for it. For some odd reason people would even join in on the bullying.

You’d be a full on joke and no one would defend you.

Turning 19

I turned 19 in march. I never thought I’d actually make it to 19 to be honest.

I just knew that 19 is an age of terror.

The age they always associate with a horrible heartbreak.

No one ever talks about the other things.

How your life starts crumbling right in your face, while you can’t even do anything about it.

How you discover things.

How unbearable it feels to be alive.

and also how it feels like to feel like you’re falling behind.

Life after 18 or let me say, matric is different. For everyone by the way.

Some of us go to school immediately. Some are on unplanned gap years.

As my goat would say

“Re bo mahlalela”.

Or some just give up. Like totally, just let themselves go.

I never judged them to be honest. Life becomes very questionable.

19 is like not knowing whether to sit at the kiddies table or the “grown ups” table.

You don’t understand if you’re slowly getting to the goodness of life.

Or you’re just gonna be a bum after that.

As soon I turned 19, things got so horrific.

I got distant from a lot of people, I’d usually talk to. I lost some of friends. I even deleted the app, I’d always yap on the most.

I also shocked myself by not being phased about what was happening in those moments. I didn’t crash out or say a word, I just accepted it.

I never also questioned the friends I lost. I never reached out to ask why we don’t get along anymore, I just let it go.

It wasn’t easy to get to a point where you can just accept things the way they are. The old me, would’ve been losing my marbles.

Friendships are very dear to me. And i mean dear. I cherish friendship so much. I love platonic love. More than romantic love. Nothing is as beautiful as receiving love from a friend. Without having to ask, they just do it willingly.

So when I turned 19 and was comfortable with losing people I’ve known for so many years ,I was baffled.

Till I realised maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Some things are meant to end and that’s okay.

Growing up people would make you feel guilty for being a social butterfly. I’m sorry I’m easy to have a conversation with. I am a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY. I make friends easily. I’m easy to talk to. You’d never feel the need to impress me. Just be yourself.

You’re going to lose friends at 19. You have to realise that, there are so many people out there. You’re yet to meet so many people. People who will appreciate you as much as you do. People who love you.

You’ll cry so much. You’ll lose your mind but wake up and reset. Life doesn’t wait for you to be okay.

19 for me so far is a mind blowing. This is not the young adulthood I was promised.

I had hope that 19 would be full of long tights, nasty heels, makeup and everything else.

For example:

I yearn for life to be more nice to me hle.

perhaps for the lady, a big girl apartment?

a car?

aow hle, ake khope thata.

I yearn for comfortable life as an apology for all those horrific high school years.

I yearn for life to yearn for me. Just once. I’m not even exaggerating. This is me being realistic.

19 will always be a rollercoaster. No matter who you are. No matter what it does to you. Whether it’s a horrible heartbreak or even losing someone to death. Your day will come when you turn 19.

What I love about 19 is that it’s not selective, re nyela kaofela. No one is an expectation.

19 is full realisation. You learn that not everyone has your best interest at heart. You learn that not everyone loves you as much as you do. Weird things start happening to you. I’d say 19 is where you realise you’re alone. You could be surrounded by so many people but you’ll be all alone.

At 19, YOU WAKE UP.

You choose how your life goes. No one is coming to save you. You’re on your own.

Also the heartbreak.

The heartbreak won’t necessarily come from a boy/girl. It could come from a friend. It could come from a parent.

It’s nerve wrecking.

It’s so important than you accept it as it is and move on with your life.

Don’t ever lose yourself along the way.

Jealousy

I have retroactive jealously. I know it’s unhealthy. I know it is.

I always have this problem with my person having past experiences. I mean I’m not mad that they had people before me but I always get scared of that person reconnecting with them again.

Uncomfortable conversations

I have this weird thing of asking a partner I have about their past experiences. How they felt about their old partners or how they felt before. I don’t do this out of obsession. I do it out of curiosity and wanting to know how they felt during their old relationship.

Weird isn’t it?

“Who was your ex?”

“How did she make you feel?”

“Why did you and “” break up?“

“Do you think you’re over her?”

I don’t do this on purpose, I do it unknowingly that I’m asking then I realise later on.

I used to do this a lot till I realised I have retroactive jealousy.

Being jealous of who your partner used to be with or was attracted to before.

Yes I have this.

Joe Goldberg

A cousin of mine introduced me to this show on netflix. I was supposed to feel bad watching it because he’d kill for who he loves.

They called it “Obsession”

I didn’t feel bad. I related to most of the things he’d do. To a certain extent though…

The stalking of the person I love on their socials.

Asking of questions to my partner to see if their face lights up or dims down when i ask about their old person.

And finally, being obsessed with my partner.

Obsession.

Of course, I want my partner all to myself. Just like how Joe wanted his partner all to himself too.

I’m selfish when it comes to love. Selfish in a sense that I don’t want people to have the same access to my partner as me. I want a connection that I share with my partner that no one else can compare to.

I don’t want my partner to be with me while I remind him of his past partner.

I want him to have a new feeling.

A new person.

I don’t want him to see me and think of someone else.

I just don’t want to remind him of someone else.

Communication and Trust.

I never got the concept of being with someone and not trust them. I want to be comfortable enough to brag about my person. So comfortable that I don’t have any doubts. I want to trust them. Love is not enough, I need loyalty.

I think I do very well when it comes to communication.

I SPEAK.

I communicate. I don’t go to bed on bad terms. As much as we can fight, I’ll reach out. If you decide to keep quiet, I’ll stay away.

I’m not the type of person to play with someone’s emotions. I don’t play about mine either. If you make me feel a certain way, I’ll voice it out.

I never cared enough to end up as a screenshot. I will send my paragraph to let you know how I feel. I never expect my partner to respond in a way that I want. I know people don’t express themselves in the same way as me. But at least reply with understanding.

Time and Effort

I will say this a 100 times if I have to.

A text back doesn’t TAKE more than 5 minutes.

“Hey, I’ll be busy today hence I can’t give you my undivided attention. I hope I understand”

I hate being made feel like I’m asking for a lot. I don’t like having to fight for a spot in someone’s life. I’m an only child guys, I know nothing about sharing. Ngeke.

This is where my retroactive jealousy comes in.

I don’t like the feeling of being ignored. I appreciate honesty. I love when someone can be true about how they actually feel about me.

When I am ignored, I start thinking if maybe they miss their old person. This is when I start being distant. I let go of the person. Not because I want to but because I don’t like to beg someone to speak or communicate.

Retroactive jealousy made me very woke. I can tell when someone is still stuck up on someone other than me. It actually helps me a lot that I can tell when I’m being used or when I’m not welcomed.

“Tlogela” is always at the tip of my tongue. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you be with who you desire.

I’d hate to be the girl that has to fight another girl for my partner.

Yoh guys nna masepa a ke utlwane le ona.

I’ll leave you alone.

Colourism is such a sensitive topic to a lot people. I always understood why. I never understood the division between black people. The division of who is more lighter or darker than who. You’re still BLACK.

I always hear people describe how they want to be with a lighter woman because a darker woman is “way too dark”. I’m not saying don’t have a preference. You can be with who you want to be.

Why bring down a darker woman Spitjo?

Is your mom light?

Even if she is darker, do you talk down on her too?

Women

Dark skin women.

Light skin women.

Brown skin women.

Why do they always have to be classified in skin colour grouping.

You’re still black.

You’re still a Nigga.

Majority of light skinned women want to end up a dark skinned man. The chances of your child being dark is high. If you’re a colourist to a grown dark skinned woman, you’re obviously going to be colourist to your own child.

The concept of colourism towards dark skinned women is pure insanity.

It’s just skin. Literally skin.

“Yoh lestatsi long ketsa montso”

Translation: the sun will make me darker.

Why is that? Why are you so afraid of skin colour?

Why are you afraid of being dark?

Does it matter or mean that much to you?

I don’t understand why dark was ever associated with the word “ugly”.

Why is skin colour an insult?

People would go as far as bleaching.

Why is that?

Why is it that you’re not comfortable in your own skin?

Calling dark skin people ugly is not cute. You look at a dark person and immediately think of “ugly”. You do this to strangers but when your closest relatives or friends are dark, you compliment them.

Why can’t you do it to strangers too?

White people

White people are white.

They aren’t classified in skin colour grouping. No one is more white than the other.

They are just white.

As black people we have different skin tones. That’s how beautiful it is to be black. We come in different shades.

We have hyperpigmentation.

This is because you’re black. There is absolutely no need for you to bleach.

Wear your skin black child.

Apartheid

Apartheid years were about a division between whites and blacks. The blacks experienced oppression. They got killed for just being black. The whites couldn’t even care less about who’s lighter or darker.

If you were lighter, they still wouldn’t claim you. You’re still a black child.

This is why white people get along. They don’t classify themselves in groups. They know they are one.

In the democratic system, people are focused on the wrong things.

In this context they are focused on things like skin.

The only thing you should be focusing on is how you’ll make it out as a nigga.

How will you make it to Paris?

What happened to having conversations about goals?

You’re focused on skin preferences????

Black people are not united. Our leaders in apartheid fought for you to be free.

And I mean FOUGHT.

You’re focused on who’s darker or lighter?

Redirect your attention.

Use your brain. Fight for your dreams as a black child.

Make it out as a black child. Be proud that you are black.

It’s privilege to be black, you come from greatness.

Your skin is rich and beautiful.

You age well.

Oh to be black, beautiful, highly educated and SUCCESSFUL.

Sarafina fought against Bantu education system during apartheid.

Winnie Mandela fought for your freedom.

Many more black people fought for your freedom. For you to walk around free without being shot down or oppressed for being black.

They didn’t fight for you to bicker about skin.

Umdala. Act like it.

Redirect your focus.

We are free politically but not free in general.

You still experience racism. White people still see you as black.

No matter how lighter you are.

You’re still a black person to them.

Free yourself from internalised racism.

Free yourself from this bickering.

“Why do you think the song Niggas are in Paris is called Niggas in Paris?”

Because cause Niggas was in Paris.

-Kanye West.

Being an only child made me very conscious. I know when I’m not welcomed or actually appreciated. I’m used to being alone. I’ve never had the feeling of loneliness. I’m always alone and I mean always. I have friends and everything but I’m always alone.

Whenever I start speaking to a man romantically, I always have a feeling that it won’t end well. It never does.

I mean never.

I’m easy to have a conversation with. I can keep conversations. Let me just say I’m a yapper. My friends know that if we run out of conversations I can always say something.

This made me realise that this is how me and a man I like or I’m into last or actually get into a relationship. They always think I’m cool enough to have a thing with.

Basically:

I was having a conversation with my male friend the other day. He was telling me about his girl. How he has fell for her and is afraid of what might happen between them. He was telling me how in love he is with her. The girl also told me the same thing about him. I reassured them both that it’ll rarely happen for them to separate because they both crave for a love that lasts.

Then it hit me that, it’s never me. Like it never is. I always meet people who already had their first love, aren’t over their first love or yet to find the actual person they love.

Whenever I speak to a man romantically, I just know they are yet to find theee GIRLFRIEND or they are still in love with their favourite ex who was THEEE girlfriend.

Being THEE girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re the one he posts the most or the one he’s been with for the longest time. It means being the one who he ACTUALLY loves. And I mean LOVES.

Loves as in he’s willing to drop anything and be with that girl.

You can be the most gorgeous woman ever, he’ll still choose who he loves nkos yam.

Moving on to the point

I always knew I’m the girl who comes into a guy’s life to show them that there is love out here. That there is loyalty and being loved unconditionally.

Without money.

Without gifts.

Literally just by being yourself.

I never expect anyone I talk to ,romantically to change themselves for me or to act a certain way around me. I expect you to be yourself.

I always know my place in someone’s life.

Always.

I know when a guy is still in love with their ex or they don’t plan on being in my life forever.

It’s either they mention the ex a lot or the ex’s name just keeps on popping up.

And the mentioning of future plans by using “when I” instead “We when”

I just know my job here is done or my contract is coming to an end.

I always knew I’m never the one that if they were asked a question about me, they’d answer without hesitation.

They have to think about it first or they stutter while they speaking because they are forced to answer or making up something that’s not true.

I used to cry about it. It got to the point I’d cry to my close people about it.

Then one day I stopped talking about it.

I accepted it.

When you love someone, a nice thing to say is always at the tip of your tongue. You speak about them highly. You choose them.

There’s never options to choose from. It’s only that person.

But with me, it’s always that in that particular person’s life there’s me and 2 other people. Or even 1.

They choose that one by the way.

They always choose that person. Even if the person treated them badly and I treated them with respect and love.

Sometimes I’d think it’s embarrassing to be with me.

I still do but oh well, it’s okay. You can’t force anyone to feel you for deeply or force them to see how much you care about them.

Being the girl they never yearn for or never choose over anything else without hesitation was never easy for to accept. I’d wish that everytime I speak to someone romantically and it doesn’t work out, I wish the next one treats me good and chooses me.

It actually does happen that they choose me.

Till their ex comes back.

Till they find someone else to pursue.

Then they find their actual partner.

The one they stay loyal to.

The one that they actually love.

And finally the one they choose.

I never want to compete with another girl over a guy. Oh how I never want to be settled for.

If a guy I like, loves someone else. I expect them to be honest with me. Even though it will hurt me but at least you were honest enough to let me know.

I never want to be the barrier between two people who are soulmates.

If your ex is your soulmate, go back.

If you want someone other than me, go to them.

Accepting this type of thing made me redirect my mind towards other things.

I don’t wish to be loved anymore.

I don’t wish for relationships that last.

I don’t wish to be taken seriously.

It never happens that I am taken seriously anyways.

I once saw a post about how some of us, our purpose was not to be loved but show love to people.

I agree. I’m proof.

I’m not implying that I don’t deserve love, oh no that’s not what I’m saying. Love does exist to me. I know it does.

I know love exists. I know it does.

I know love exists because how I love.

Unconditionally without hesitation.

Not love in a romantic way.

But love in a platonic way. I’ve only felt loved and appreciated in my friendships.

I don’t wish I become the GIRLFRIEND.

I accepted my fate.

Go bolela nnete guys, nna ke rata chelete fela.

If I was monied, tsa marato nne never dang pona.

In conclusion:

I wish to be this woman. No kids, No husband. Her and her riches.

I’m not anyone’s first choice or first love. It’s okay. We can’t all get what we want.