Yung buong buhay mo, ang role mo lang ay tiga-abang kung kakain na, tiga-hugas

o di kaya ay tiga-punas ng lamesa?

Kaya nagulat na lang ako nang isang araw, aba nakatayo na ako sa kalan at hawak ko na din ang sandok na tila ba alam ko ang ginagawa ko.

Dibale, nandyan naman ang Tiktok at Youtube, isang maling buhos ng asin, life lesson agad ang mangyayari.

Nakakatawa isipin na may mga bagay palang matututunan mo lang kapag wala ka nang choice kundi gawin sila. Pag dumating ang panahon na sarili mo lang ang iyong aasahan.

Hindi naman ako chef, atleast di na ako basta tiga-kain lang.

Hindi na pancit canton na may itlog lang ang kaya kong lutuin.

Ngayon, alam ko na tulad ng buhay, ang pagluluto ay may timing, may technique

at higit sa lahat, pwedeng pwede ka pa padin masisi pag napasobra ka sa alat,

“kaka cellphone mo yan eh”.

Minsan masarap, minsan okay lang, minsan pang tawid gutom.

And I think that's funny thing about being independent, you're thinking something is impossible kahit hindi mo pa natatry gawin. Takot sa mga bagay na hindi pa naman nangyayari. Iniisip mo agad na “ang hirap naman”.

Na hindi mo kaya, kahit hindi mo pa naman binibigyan ng chance ang sarili mo na subukan.

Until one day, mapapasabi ka nalang na,

“Aba, nakakaluto na pala ako!”

The one who can be honest without considering other's feeling?

To be real with your emotions?

The one who speaks out whenever you got disappointed or upset?

To choose yourself over everyone without feeling guilty.

To speak without softening your words.

To not hold back.

I wanted to be that person just for once,.

There are times that I wanted to be the villain in everyone's story.

The one who can be free.

For I am tired .

So, can I be the villain now in everyone's story?

So exhausted that you almost feel like giving up will be the best option that to hold still?

And just when you feel like your life has gone off track,

God suddenly shows you his plans. Reminds you that he is still with you.

Turning every fear and uncertainties into purpose.

But behind the whispers, doubt still lingers, billions of questions felt unanswered.

I test him once more if he is true, if what he is showing me will really be the way.

For I am afraid this is all in my mind.

I cried and cried because I know he is trying to communicate, this time, louder and clear. The walls that I've built crumbles, and for the first time, asked things that I've hide for a long time,

“God, is this how I should really feel loving you?

Is following you really that hard? Am i not worthy of your grace?

Don't I deserve to be happy?”

Then I realized, maybe God wasn't really asking me to understand everything,

maybe he just wants me to follow him. Maybe he is not giving me a sign but a reminder to trust and follow him no matter what happened.

So I'll keep following not because I know what comes next but because,

I know it is you who made the promise.

I thought you're done communicating, I’m not even sure why out of all the bible verses

that I will encounter, this is the one that I will see.

Then I realized, I don't even need to force you to speak to me because you never really stop.

Thankyou for reminding me that,

I shouldn't be afraid because you will never abandon me. That you will never let me go and casting me away is never an option.

And if God said he will do it, then whom or what shall I fear?

How many more tears can you wipe because you don't want anyone to be guilty and invalidated?How many more "I'm Okay, I understand, don't worry" can you swallow and tolerate because you knew how everything will  be turned into. How much tolerance can you endure because you respect the kind of relationship you have with everyone?

There will be times when you started to think if everyone thinks your stupid because of letting them get away with their excuses. Discomfort feels so natural just to avoid conflicts. Like something is disturbing your heart making you drain. Trying not to be reactive because you knew they know how to hurt you more when you started to speak for yourself.

You are like a time bomb waiting to explode because boundaries for yourself is not respected. Doubt in yourself if you are just really that kind or you're just too afraid— or maybe a little bit of both.

And here you are, finally mastered the art of silencing the anger that kept boiling inside you and convert it into understanding. You swallowed every emotions that longed to be spoken, convinced yourself that staying quiet was kinder than being honest. Somewhere along the way, your frustration softened into patience, your disappointment disguised itself as compassion, and your pain learned how to smile. And the saddest part is, you don't know anymore how to be kind to yourself. That after spending so long trying to understand everyone else, this concludes them that you are just an easy target.

I hope you will make me feel that it is now safe to open my window after the months of storm, greeting us with cool warm breeze or ray of sunlight.

Birds happily chirping that this day finally comes like a fresh breathe of air.

I hope that when bad days came knocking on our doors, remind us that there will always be a rainbow waiting for us.

So come quietly, August.

Bring warmth to those cold hearts.

Bring light to those dark days.

Bring peace to those who are weary.

And when you need to say goodbye, may it feel like a soft kiss upon our cheeks.

May your last set of sunset be as gentle as your first sunrise.

Having panic attacks while speaking to him and crying until tears run dry. Felt short even though you think you did your best and prayed really hard.

My loudest praise turned into whispers,

"God, is this really it? Is this really what it feels like to follow you? Is this really your plan or am I just lost? Are you still listening?" 

And just like that, your worth, purpose, and effort will be questionable.

Still, even with all these questions, I keep coming back to you for I know that even when I'm in doubt, your grace pours. Even when I don't understand your ways, you give me strength to stand up. When my heart is weary, something's pulling me up. When I can't see you moving, you give me peace. And when I can't feel your presence, you give me the warmest embrace.

So when all I can offer is a shaken faith and a scared heart, please continue to hold me,walk with me, and carry me throughout this season. Until you redeem my story and make a way to the path closer to you.

***You might want to follow me on my fb page: Unconditionally, Me***

Nakakapagod pala kapag matagal mong pasan ang mundong hindi naman pala para sa'yo. Pwede na ba akong tumakbo palayo sa ingay at mapanghusgang mata? Tumakbo sa lugar na walang nakakaalam at nakakakilala?

I don't want to give up—I’m simply exhausted from surviving in silence. Tired of people wanting me to explain things that they never intend to listen in the first place. If only they knew how honest I wish I could be with my feelings without being afraid of being invalidated— misunderstood.

I'm barely breathing, and exhausted for the misfortunes after misfortunes happening.

I don't even need saving in the first place, but someone who will hear and see me for all the unspoken feelings that I bottled up.

I'm tired scattering away all my light just to make people shine leaving me burned by the fire that I gave away.