dictated but not read

WARNING: The following is the product of a grumpy old man.

You know what I hate? Andy Rooney. I mean seriously. For those of you too young to know, Andy Rooney was a living complaint that CBS used to give airtime to (for reasons past understanding) on what was, at the time, the NUMBER ONE SHOW ON TELEVISION (60 Minutes).

During this given time (time, I might point out, that could have been better used broadcasting Yoko Ono’s solo albums over images of people vomiting), he would sit behind a desk and complain. Whine, really.

“Complain about what?” you might ask. Complain about literally whatever. Usually it was something in the culture news that he didn’t understand. Now, this may sound entertaining to you (and obviously someone at CBS thought it was), but I found it, not to overstate things too much, culturally damaging on a psychic level. Because: he was not complaining in an effort that things may change, he was complaining the way old people complain about new things — because new things are not made with them in mind.

This is not to say that he (and said old people) are always wrong. I’m sure he had some salient points now and again. In the same way complaints about constant software updates and browsers being unsupported for seemingly no reason from those a generation or two ahead of me are not wrong.

But Rooney’s entire existence was founded around complaining. And since there are now whole “social” infrastructures built around an agro version of this very act, I (to quote Rooney) hate that.

I remember once he complained that he had lots of extra change in his house and no way to get rid of it. And then, when viewers helpfully wrote in with suggestions about what to do with it, he read them on air and explained why they were all stupid.

His rant against Pearl Jam (and Grunge music in general) is also quite unhinged. But that may be personal to my Gen X sensibilities.

So with all that being said, I want to complain about something stupid and pop culture-y: the music charts.

Didn’t see that coming, did you?

I’m always looking for new music to listen to while I write. For many years now, we have hosted au pairs. Every time a new one arrives, I ask what music she listens to and give it a shot (lots of Tame Impala right now in my ears).

I also keep track of both the US and UK Hot 100 music charts to see what song is #1.

Now, I know the charts do not mean what they used to mean when this Gen Xer was hopping out to Rainbow Records for the latest cast album and “Weird Al” releases (just being real). But it still is an indicator of what folks are listening to, so I’m curious.

Recently, I have been worried that my bookmarked link has been broken. Because for the numbers one have been “Choosin’ Texas” by Ella Langley [US] and “Rein Me In” by Sam Fender feat. Olivia Dean [UK] since, like, forever.

Like, seriously.

“Choosin’ Texas” has spent 18 non-consecutive weeks at #1 this year, making it the 4th longest-running US number-one single of all time¹.

“Rein Me In” has spent 19 non-consecutive weeks at #1 this year, making it THE longest-running UK number-one single of all time.

Normally I’d be fascinated that both charts were setting records at the same time with two different songs. I mean, this isn’t like a Taylor Swift mega-hit tearing up English-language music; this is two different songs by two formerly mid-range artists KILLING it.

Normally I’d be raving. Except for one thing.

I hate these songs.

And, more than that, I hate that I hate them.

Country music is not my jam for lots of reasons, not all of them musical, which I’m not going to go into. If you care, go check out Bo Burnham’s “Pandering” for a condensed and humorous version of some of my issues. And “Choosin’ Texas” lives at a good intersection of my distastes. But that isn’t really my problem with the song.

Both “Choosin’ Texas” and “Rein Me In” are just very . . . mid.

Love or hate “All I Want for Christmas is You,” “Old Town Road,” “A Bar Song (Tipsy),” “Thinking Out Loud,” and/or Wet Wet Wet’s version of “Love is All Around,” these songs all have a personality and certain catchiness that makes you understand why they tore (and tear) up the charts.

These current reigning songs express musical safeness and mediocrity that I do not care for. And it wouldn’t bother me if they weren’t both KILLING it right now. Like, seriously, KILLING it.

And I hate that it bothers me.

Because what really bothers me is that I am increasingly being left behind by pop culture. Because I’m 46 and that’s what happens.

But I like to think of myself as open-minded. Someone who could (theoretically) enjoy anything. I’ll try new things. I listen to what the young kids are bopping to these days on the TikToks.

But, of course, I won’t. Not really.

I listen primarily to music that came out between 1991 and 1998. I extol the virtues of Pinkerton and what was playing on Y100 when I was in high school. I have thoughts like “they don’t make ‘em like that any more.”

Because they don’t.

And they shouldn’t.

They should make new things. Their own things. Things that express their own feelings and beliefs. Things that someone who is 16 now will look back on in 30 years and think “they don’t make ‘em like that any more.” That’s how it should be. I should be left behind. And I shouldn’t be an ass about it. I should let them go their merry way and like what they like. I don’t HAVE to listen. No one is forcing me. I can change the station. I can listen to Alice in Chains in peace. The Butthole Surfers will certainly drown out anything I don’t care to hear. It’s their music. Take it, love it, listen to it, PAY FOR IT, support the art you love, that’s great.

But does it have to be so mid?

- a very grumpy old man, 8/29/26

¹ 1st: “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey (22 weeks) // T2nd: “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X feat. Billy Ray Cyrus and “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” by Shaboozey (19 weeks) — It will almost certainly become 2nd all by itself in 2 weeks.

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pre-production

Beatrice Likes the Dark

We are cast!

Irene Hamilton and I have done 2 Plays-in-a-Day, 2 workshops, and a short film together but we haven’t actually done a full-tilt show together! And there is no one I’d rather have in the title role.

Chelsea Majors worked on the Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House workshop this past April and I was very impressed by her as Sadie’s mom. This time out, she’s Beatrice’s sister who much prefers the day to the night.

Jordan Brown and I met when I produced the Shakespeare’s Histories podcast for Brave Spirits Theatre. He then played the dual role of Amos and his brother Amos in Ken Ludwig’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas that I directed at Adventure Theatre in 2024. Here he plays one of the play’s 2 narrators: Buttons, the barnyard cat.

Hannah Taylor caught my eye at Adventure Theatre’s production of Not Your Mother’s Goose which took home Helen Hayes Awards for both Outstanding Production- Theatre for Young Audiences and Outstanding Ensemble in a Play. She’ll be playing our other narrator: Raven, the raven.

Tobi Braisburg and Jordan Essex round out the cast in a phalanx of roles. Jordan also did the Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House workshop as Sadie’s ne’er-do-well brother Reggie. And Tobi & I had a wonderful time together when she played Emily in Ken Ludwig’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

Rehearsals start September 8.

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coming soon

Can I Just Say?

We are finished and submitted to film festivals! Probably no more news until October but you should definitely watch the above trailer and then go to our Linktree and make sure you’re following for all the latest news as it emerges.

now playing

The Ferberizing of Coral on KLIPIST « T O M O R R O W »

Go here! And watch! TOMORROW! Use your BOOKMARKS!

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Westlake High School (Austin, TX) - November 18-20

Theatre in the Grove (Forest Grove, OR) - February 5-June 14, 2027

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Red Mask Players (Danville, IL) - September 18-20

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dictated but not read

You’ve heard of “the director’s vision,” I assume?

In the simultaneous throws of pre- and post-production, I’ve been thinking on it a lot. I have to explain my vision for Beatrice Likes the Dark to designers and my vision for the final look and sound of Can I Just Say? to the colorist and mixer. But how to explain that vision?

Vision boards are good for designers. Visual reference points, artwork, color palettes, and one big concept that everyone can rally around.

Sounds simple enough.

The thing is, there’s a LOT of people you have to work with. And they don’t all immediately get what you’re talking about. This is where directing is like teaching. You have to come at it from many different angles until you and the designer (or actor or director of photography or whomever) are on the same page.

The thing is, lots of questions about one’s vision can make one feel like they maybe are full of shit. And this is the first danger zone.

So you have to take a step back and try again (again). You have to believe in your vision so much that you cannot be shaken. And, at this stage, you do. Because it’s early and no one has brought you any designs (or run the scene or lit the room) yet.

And then, they do.

And now you face your second challenge. How to say “no” without actually saying the word. Because the designer will take the explanation of your vision (important to note here, this is not the vision itself as no one can live in your head) and give it a go through their own artistic talents. Which means they are bringing themselves to your vision. That’s what supposed to happen. But maybe it doesn’t look (or sound) like what you thought.

This is where you have to remember your job title. A director (and stay with me here) directs. We don’t demonstrate or do it for you, we direct. We explain the path to the best of our ability but the designer, actor, director of photography, sound mixer, editor, whomever has to actually walk the path.

This is where most directors falter. Because after a few passes of someone getting notes and coming back with something that STILL doesn’t resemble your vision, the frustration rises (on both sides). And with the frustration comes the temptation. The temptation to just tell whomever EXACTLY what you what by drawing them a picture or doing the scene or moving the lights or whatever.

And that is not your job.

Your job is to direct.

Patiently, but insistantly, direct.

Let the artist be creative, it’s why they’re there. If you demonstrate or do it for them, you stifle that creativity and they will not give you their best work.

It make take a little more effort but when it works, they bring you something you didn’t expect or know you wanted but takes your vision to the next level.

And that feels pretty great.

- Patrick, 8/12/26

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pre-production

Beatrice Likes the Dark

Rehearsals start in less than a month. The set is designed! Why can’t we just start rehearsing?!?

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post-production

Can I Just Say?

Color correction is done. The mix is finished. And our first festival submissions have been submitted. Hopefully more news very soon!

coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral on KLIPIST!

Just 2 weeks until The Ferberizing of Coral will debut on klipist.com! Klipist is a free streaming platform dedicated entirely to the world’s best independent short films. As their site says: “Curated by humans, watched in 190 countries, supported by the filmmakers who make them.” And did I mention: IT’S FREE!

now playing

The Ferberizing of Coral on OMELETO!

You know what the best part of the Internet is? You can watch The Ferberizing of Coral every day. Don’t believe me? Click above and find out for yourself.

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Westlake High School (Austin, TX) - November 18-20

Theatre in the Grove (Forest Grove, OR) - February 5-June 14, 2027

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Red Mask Players (Danville, IL) - September18-20

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dictated but not read

Brain power is a funny thing.

Or maybe I mean brain capacity.

Anyway, whatever I mean, it’s a funny thing.

I’m right now in the very fun place where one project is concluding and another is starting. And they’re overlapping! That’s what I always want!!

The film version of Can I Just Say? is now completely filmed and almost done editing. It’s off for color correction and sound mixing, so we’ll have it off to festivals in the next two weeks.

In the meanwhile, Beatrice Likes the Dark has started production meetings at Adventure Theatre. I’m reviewing drawings and having meetings and we’re casting and it’s all amazing.

But then, while I was making other plans: life happened.

My wife’s company made all their Bethesda employees remote. NO ONE GOT LAID OFF; they just closed the office, got everyone some tech, and they all went home to resume their jobs. Not normally a big deal, but news of this came last week, and the office has to be closed by Friday.

So it’s been a scramble and I’ve been helping clear it up because I sometimes take a desk there and I used to work for the company and helped set up the office in the first place and my wife is a captain of industry and very busy.

But it’s been a scramble.

And it’s sapping my brain power.

Or capacity.

One of them.

I’ve been messing up scheduling meetings and having to go back and fix things. I’ve been unable to sit down and finish my parts of the edit, so I’m worried we’re going to miss our (very much self-imposed) deadline. I’m not responding to friends quickly. All very manageable issues, to be sure. But it has alarmed me how quickly a small crisis while I was busy derailed my whole entire brain.

Seriously, I couldn’t focus. I was lost for a bit there. I’m writing this in a sort of Jack-Kerouac-stream-of-conciousness style just to get it to you on time. It’s wild.

It may be a side-effect of being in my mid-40s, or it may be how my brain responds to stress (moves are the worst). And if you call on me this Saturday, you may find me a gravely different (and happier) man.

The balance is the thing. We know this. But I was unaware just how delicate my balance was until last week.

So I’m going to be investigating ways to increase my brain power.

Or capacity.

Or both.

Yeah, both.

- Patrick, 7/29/26

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pre-production

Beatrice Likes the Dark

The cast is compiling. Don’t want to announce until everyone is signed on but hopefully next release will tell you who everyone is and why!

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post-production

Can I Just Say?

Deep in the throes of post-production with an eye on August 5th for completion. The sound is being mixed! The color is being corrected! The supplemental materials are being uploaded!!

coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral on KLIPIST!

When it rains, it pours! The Ferberizing of Coral has been selected to stream on klipist.com starting August 27. Klipist is a free streaming platform dedicated entirely to the world’s best independent short films. As their site says: “Curated by humans, watched in 190 countries, supported by the filmmakers who make them.” And best of all: IT’S FREE!

now playing

The Ferberizing of Coral on OMELETO!

Haven’t watched The Ferberizing of Coral on OMELETO yet? Why not? HAVE watched? Why not watch again? It might be different. It’s not, but it MIGHT be.

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Westlake High School (Austin, TX) - November 18-20

Theatre in the Grove (Forest Grove, OR) - February 5-June 14, 2027

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Children and Adults Theatrical Studio (Lubbock, TX) - July 24-August 2

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dictated but not read

A couple of months ago, I was talking to a theatre friend. This friend has worked in many areas of theatre and drama as an artistic director, playwright, producer, director, board member, etc, etc, etc. We were talking about how our careers were going and they asked about my play Tinker Bell, which they knew was a success for me. I told them it had recently passed 100 productions since it was published in 2019. And they responded: “Oh my God! You’re paying your mortgage out of that one!”

Now, this took me aback for a couple of reasons. The biggest one being: I certainly am not paying my mortgage from the royalties of my TYA adaptation of the story of Peter Pan from Tinker Bell’s POV that is largely produced by high schools and community theatres. But beyond that was the simple fact that my friend, themselves a published TYA playwright, should have known that.

The economics surrounding theatre is largely shrouded in mystery; we know this. My training is as a filmmaker, so this shroud has always confounded me.

In film school, one always talks about money. How much the film costs, how to save costs, union minimums, how much to charge for freelance work, all these things are covered in the classroom. For theatre, one is lucky is there is an “Economics of Acting” class in the catalogue, luckier still if it is required, and unbelievably lucky if the info in that class is current (no mean feat these days, certainly).

I am a playwright. I have four published plays available for license. These publishers call me back when I need them to, I have recently negotiated the rights on a property and received a commission. I have a Helen Hayes nomination and am a member of the Dramatists Guild. So, ladies and gentlemen, if I say I’m an oil man, you will agree.

So I thought a fair and honest accounting might be useful to those interested of how much money this playwright makes on their work. And how this playwright closes the gap between that amount and a living wage.

For clarity, all the amounts I am about to give are from royalties, and I am including advance payments in the totals.

Let’s start with Tinker Bell, published by Dramatic Publishing in 2019. Tinker Bell was financially successful for me from the jump. But during lockdown is ironically when it really took off because it happened to lend itself to Zoom presentations very well. As I said at the start, it has received over a hundred productions since publication and earned me $44,123.22 (about $5,809.31 per year).

I live in the Washington, D.C. area, where the living wage is roughly $55,577.00. I have a mortgage, no student loans (anymore), am married, and have three kids in public schools. My wife has an excellent job and makes the bulk of the household income.

My most successful play nets me a little less than $6K a year on average.

So I think you can see why the idea that this play would be “paying my mortgage” took me aback.

My second most successful play is The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story published by Theatrical Rights Worldwide in 2022. Since publication, it has had roughly nine productions and earned me $3,500.64 in total.

My ten-minute play The Ferberizing of Coral won at the (hopefully not dead) Samuel French (now Concord Theatricals) Off-Off Broadway Play Festival in 2018 and was published by that hallowed house in 2019. Since then, it has earned me $1,464.04 and been produced twice.

All of these plays also earn me money on sales of the script itself, not just the productions, of course. But that percentage is much lower (though it does account for the majority of The Ferberizing of Coral’s royalties).

The fourth play of mine to be published was Giant Box of Pr0n by Next Stage Press in 2023. It has sold a few copies but had no productions and so earned me $0.00 to date because I have not yet hit the minimum payout amount of $25.00.

So among these four published plays, I have earned $49,087.90 in 7 years. Roughly $6K less than the annual living wage in Washington, D.C.

So how do I close the gap? By hustling.

I am an adjunct professor at a couple DC universities and teach 1-2 courses a year. I direct theatre. I write and direct industrial and educational videos produced locally. I edit reels for people on occasion.

Also, back in the world of royalties, I wrote a textbook with Kylos Brannon called Visual Literacy: A Practical Text on the Analysis, History, and Creation of Visual Media. It’s in its 2nd Edition from Kendall Hunt, was originally published in 2016, and has earned me (to date) $1,031.81 total (in case you thought there might be more money in books).

It’s important to understand how we define success, especially in the arts. We are raised in the proverbial “West” to believe in a kind of goalline approach to life. If we just find the right partner, get the right job, publish one play, book one series, sell one script, we will live happily ever after. It’s good to have goals like this, but they are not the end of the story. They are steps on the path to (hopefully) more opportunities.

I write all this not to discourage anyone from the career of professional playwriting. But I think that going into it with eyes more widely opened will make the experience a richer one. Being published (especially in TYA) in one of the best experiences of my life. I have met so many students and theatre artists across the country and have had my plays produced in places I could never have imagined. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

But it ain’t paying my mortgage.

- Patrick, 7/15/26

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pre-production

Beatrice Likes the Dark

We had our first public reading this past Friday for the students at the ATMTC Academy. They were a wonderful audience and offered some excellent thoughts. Dani Stoller is in rewrites now and our first production meeting is approaching! Rehearsals start in September and I can’t wait to get rolling with this one!

production

Can I Just Say?

We shot 2 of our 2.5 days on this adaptation of my 2026 Bethesda Play-in-a-Day script. It was a very fulfilling experience to bring back the play’s original cast for the film. We’ll finish shooting at the end of the month and I hope to have a cut ready for festival consideration by August. This one’s a fast mover!

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now playing

The Ferberizing of Coral on OMELTO!

We are on the YouTube via the curated shorts channel Omeleto and we are loving it. Opening weekend, we got over 4K hits. So WATCH, LIKE, COMMENT, SHARE!

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Westlake High School (Austin, TX) - November 18-20

Theatre in the Grove (Forest Grove, OR) - February 5-June 14, 2027

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Children and Adults Theatrical Studio (Lubbok, TX) - July 24-August 2

from the vault

Shaolin Baby Shower

Unknown Penguin’s martial arts film for the 2017 DC 48 Hour Film Project.
PROP: bubble wrap
LINE: “Sorry, the answer’s no.”
CHARACTER: Paula, activist

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As you may have read last week, The Ferberizing of Coral has been selected to be a part of the curated YouTube channel OMELETO. Omeleto is like a Criterion Collection of new short films and we are very excited to be on their shelf.

The short is based on my play of the same name that won at the Sam French Off Off Broadway Festival in 2018. It’s the story of new parents Caitlin and Kevin trying to sleep train their baby as they are vexed by the voices of their child and their parents through their baby monitor.

“When can I watch it?” I can hear you asking. Well, TODAY, my friend! You’ll find the link at the bottom of this post.

BUT . . .

But . . .

First:

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING BEFORE WATCHING so you can give our film the best opening possible.

The first 72 hours on YouTube are the most critical to a video’s success. So beyond simply watching, here are some things we need you to do (if you’d be so kind).

(1) WATCH THE FILM ALL THE WAY THROUGH. This may seem self-evident but simply starting the film, watching a few minutes, and then bookmarking it for later can actually hurt a film’s performance. So if you start, please let it run (it’s only 10 minutes).

(2) LIKE. Please click the thumbs up. It’s a small thing but it goes a long way!

(3) COMMENT. Drop us a comment after you watch. Doesn’t have to be long. A simple “Great work!” Or “Proud to be a subscriber to this guy’s Substack!” is enough. The algorithm simply counts the number of comments.

That’s it. If anyone is thinking you’ll drive up the hit count by playing the video on repeat all day one day: thank you, but hits are only counted once from each device at each IP address. But if you want to open the link every day and play the video, I’m not gonna stop you (just make sure you let it play all the way through).

Thank you so much!

Enjoy!

dictated but not read

1

It’s a quick one this week because home life is in top gear after a quick family jaunt to the beach. But whilst I was there, the strangest thing happened.

The past six or so months have been filled with rejection emails from film festivals. It’s part of the show and you never really know why you get rejected. It could be because the festival is more focused on dramas this year and you’re a comedy. It could be because they’ve already got a parenting movie in the lineup. It could be because they have no taste and wouldn’t know a good short film if it came up and bit them in the taint.

Who knows?

So after months and months of reading these emails, I had become a little numb.

After a year of festivals, we had decided to downshift into online distribution. Our primary target was the YouTube channel Omeleto which has almost 4 million subscribers. They curate and promote short films and a quick perusal of their back catalog will show you they know what they’re talking about.

So we submitted. And 2 days later, I got an email.

And I was so used to reading rejections that I almost didn’t realize we’d been accepted.

Seriously.

I was 2/3 of the way through the email before I realized what it said. I had to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing again.

And then I jumped for joy.

Literally. I scared the kids.

Rejection is very hard on a person. And you have to develop a chitin to keep from going nuts. But it was a good reminder that you also have to keep yourself open to the possibilty of success. Otherwise why are you trying? And you have to make sure that your soul remains intact when you build your armor. You have to be open and protected. And that is damn hard.

But that’s the struggle, isn’t it?

- Patrick, 7/1/26

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pre-production

Can I Just Say?

Shooting begins July 11!

Beatrice Likes the Dark

Workshop July 10!

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coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral

As mentioned above, we are VERY excited that The Ferberizing of Coral will be making its online debut on Omeleto! Click the link and give the channel a look, they distribute some excellent shorts and we are very excited to have The Ferberizing of Coral counted among them.

As soon as we have a release date, you will!

friends of the unknown penguin

Talk D’Arty to Me

Star of The Ferberizing of Coral and fellow Substacker Mitzi Akaha has launched a podcast. First guest: her boyfriend and my friend who idetifies as a boy John Gallagher Jr! He has a new EP out called Almost OK and you can buy it here. (I did!)

Mitzi’s Substack

From one gaseous miracle to another

By Mitzi Akaha

Almost OK

Boyfriend of The Ferberizing of Coral and fellow Substacker Mitzi Akaha (and my friend who idetifies as a boy) John Gallagher Jr has a new EP out called Almost OK and you can buy it here. (I really did!)

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Westlake High School (Austin, TX) - November 18-20

Theatre in the Grove (Forest Grove, OR) - February 5-June 14, 2027

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Children and Adults Theatrical Studio (Lubbok, TX) - July 24-August 2

from the vault

Carmadeggon: The Movie

Coming July 15, 2011

The story behind the comedy - https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/carmageddon-comes-to-la/

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dictated but not read

Ten years ago this week, The Ferberizing of Coral made its world premiere at the Source Theatre (now closed) on 14th Street NW as part of CulturalDC Source Festival.

The Source Festival (now closed) was a curated summer festival of three new full-length plays and eighteen 10-minute plays (in three groups of six) that were thematically connected to one of the three new plays.

The call for these 10-minute plays went out after the full-lengths were announced. I had wanted to be part of this festival for a couple of years, so I made a calculated choice when I chose the theme under which I wanted to enter.

My choice was purely mathematical. It was by far the most difficult and specific of the three choices. I therefore posited that it would have the fewest entries and, therefore, the easiest one to get into.

I had the idea of a talking baby monitor for a while but no real clue what to do with it. But, after my son went to bed, I sat down and started typing. And it all came out. Like one of those awful stories you hear about people saying “it just came to me,” it just came to me. I looked up what the style of sleep-training I was lampooning was called and found the book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, which was the source of the “Ferber Method” of sleep-training. I typed “Ferberizing” and then “The Ferberizing of Coral.” No idea why she is named “Coral.”

It was not only accepted at Source but they also used during some of their events as an example of what they were doing. Everyone knew the show at the festival. The cast and director were excited. I made a couple of tweaks in rehearsal, but not many. It was well reviewed, and that was that.

I thought that would be that. I mean, what do you do with a 10-minute play anyway? But then the next year, the Source people got in touch and wanted to mount a revival (of sorts) for a “Best of Source 10-minute Plays” they were mounting in 2017.

This got me thinking that I maybe had something here.

And it was recommended that I submit the show to the Samuel French Off Off Broadway Short Play Festival (now closed). I had just met Courtney Laine Self as she was coming on to direct my play Sheila and Moby at Flying V that fall. So she set up the production and we did the damn thing and won!

And now it’s a movie.

The only thing I’ve really learned from it is how much it captures a specific kind of parental anxiety in a bottle. That feeling that every tiny decision you make has HUGE future implications that you cannot even conceive of. How you have the incredible power to really fuck someone’s life completely up. It’s crippling and it’s ever-present and technological advances have NOT been helpful. And the only true thing I know is it’s less impossible if you’re not alone.

Thanks to Megan Westman, Jenny McConnell Frederick, Anne Donnelly, David Johnson, Rebecca Ballinger, Axandre Oge, Fabiolla Da Silva, Elena Velasco, Sam Tilles, Samm Carroll, Courtney Laine Self, Stephen Cyr, Jack Batman, Gene Dzielak, John Gallagher Jr, Mitzi Akaha, Theo Stockman, Maureen Monterubio, David Wardrick, Negin Farsad, Carly Ciarrocchi, Clint McElroy, Bobby & Maggie & Josie, and (especially) Kelley.

- Patrick, 6/17/26

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pre-production

Can I Just Say?

Shooting is set for the second week of July. Props and set dressings have been acquired. The crew is assembled (I think). It’s happening!

Beatrice Likes the Dark

I can now officially share that I will be directing the world premiere of Dani Stoller’s new TYA play based on the book by April Genevieve Tucholke. Performances October 2 - November 1 at Adventure Theatre MTC in Glen Echo, MD. Blurb below.

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live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

The Original Cast - Courtney Laine Self / Crazy for You - Original Broadway Cast Recording (1992)

originally released November 14, 2018 - click the image to listen

Courtney Laine Self is a director/choreographer. She directed Sheila and Moby and wrote her thesis on Crazy for You. She also likes to push Patrick’s buttons. And the feeling is very mutual.

Topics include: Ken Ludwig (the man, not the poster), the interpretive power of dance, and Susan Stroman.

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dictated but not read

I’m not a big “participater.” Like a lot of writers and filmmakers, I’m more of a sit along the edge of the room and watch what everyone’s doing and hope no one I don’t know sits down and starts talking to me. But when the managing director of Theatrical Rights Worldwide Lysna Marzani tells you to do something, you do it. And so last Wednesday, I boarded a plane to Atlanta to attend the TYA/USA Festival and Conference.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect or who I’d see there. I knew a few of the attendees in an acquaintance-sort-of-way, and I knew my publishers would be there, so this wasn’t a total leap into the dark. But, nevertheless, this sort of thing is not my bag, baby.

But I resolved not to just be a fly-on-the-wall. I would do the things. I wouldn’t skip stuff just to go sit alone in my hotel room. I would take advantage and do the damn thing.

And I’m very glad I did.

And it wasn’t about the sessions I attended or the 4-5 plays for young audiences I saw or the cool folks I met or hearing Gloria Estefan talk about her new musical Basura about the Recycled Orchestra of Cateura and then seeing the Recycled Orchestra of Cateura perform and then seeing the invited dress of said musical that evening at Alliance Theatre.

The coolest part was honestly just spending 3 days in the same space as all these wonderful folks who create theatre for young audiences. It’s a specific blend of the theatremaker. Both more intense but also less intense. More energetic but less egotistic.

There is real magic in making theatre for young audiences. It may not win you any Tonys. And it may be dismissed as being “just for kids.” And the quality level may range wildly (unlike adult theatre that has a very consistent quality level). But it gives you a North Star throughout the whole creative process that really focuses. What I’m making is for tiny minds and hearts, so I better mean what I say and say I want I meant. I better stand behind every word of this thing becuase every TYA show is someone’s first show. And you never forget that first show.

In just hanging around the lobby (because I over-slept and missed the first session on the last day), I got to talking with a guy from L.A. who writes and licenses his own TYA shows directly to schools and camps. His name is Denver Casado, his company is Beat by Beat Press and (as it turned out) he wrote a musical called The Claw which my twins did last year at camp.

It was their first show.

And I fangirled over him so hard, showing him pictures of my kids in the show and gushing about what a great experience they had.

This seemed to take him slightly aback (as it would’ve me, if I’m honest).

But he was really taken aback when after lunch, I brought him a friend of mine who likewise loved The Claw.

Every TYA show is someone’s first show. And you never forget your first.

- Patrick, 6/3/26

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pre-production

Can I Just Say?

Location scouting is underway for our shoot in July. The cast is assembled! The crew is (partially) assembled! The money is mostly also probably assembled! Stay tuned!!

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now playing

The Little Things You Hear Together

This week, I’m back on the wonderful The Little Things You Hear Together podcast with Alex Asp, talking about the original cast recording for the show Bandstand. So if you’ve missed my take on cast albums in your ears, it is back with a vengeance!

LISTEN HERE: https://rss.com/podcasts/the-little-things-you-hear-together/2372240/

Episode notes

The talented and opinionated Patrick Flynn is back to discuss the 2017 Original Broadway Cast Album for Bandstand!

Music by Richard Oberacker, lyrics & book by Rob Taylor & Richard Oberacker, directed by Andy Blankenbuehler, with music direction by Fred Lassen and orchestrations by Bill Elliott & Greg Anthony Rassen.

Stream the album on YouTube.

Follow the podcast on Instagram or email littlethingsyouheartogether@gmail.com.

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

Great Day to Be a T.A.

The 48 Hour Film Project used to have this genre called “Musical/Western.” It was the most feared in the grab-bag. It meant your short film could be a musical, a western, or both. Everyone was terrified of pulling it.

We drew it in 2013, 2015, and 2016.

The third time (and final time because they changed the way the genres work), we decided that the fates wanted a musical from us and so a musical is what they got.

But how did I ever write a musical and then produce a full film of that musical in 48 hours?

By cheating.

No, not really.

A couple of years earlier, the wonderful Crash of Rhinos had drawn “Operetta” (a short-lived genre option) and showed me the way. I used pre-existing GarageBand jingles on my Mac and then wrote lyrics to those. They also showed me the other secret to doing a musical for the 48 Hour Film Project (and musicals in general): the plot has to be INCREDIBLY simple. Because the songs, while adding entertainment value, will eat time. And when you’ve only got 7 minutes, you don’t have time to spare.

We made the Best of DC that year and took home:
- Best Actress, Jenny Donovan
- Best Libretto*, me
- Best Choreography*, Morganne Davies
- Audience Award

Required Elements
genre: Musical or Western
character: Claire Cumberland, musician or singer
prop: paintbrush
line of dialogue: “She didn’t tell me.”

*These awards are not routinely given so that’s cool.

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dictated but not read

While prepping for the workshop of Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House, I was talking with my wife about who would direct the show when it ultimately makes it to the stage (hopefully in fall 2027). She responded with “Aren’t you just going to direct it?” I responded in the negative and she, logically, asked: “Why not?”

There are a lot of different thoughts on the topic of “Should Playwrights Direct Their Own Stuff?” Stephen Sondheim insisted that he had only met one person who could really do both at the same time, and that was James Lapine. But many, many people have throughout the decades and centuries, dating back to the man who maybe invented stage directing as we know it: Sir W. S. Gilbert.

This debate has only gotten more bizarre to civilians in the last couple of decades since the indy film boom (and concurrent meteoric rise of the screenwriter/director) started in 1994 (or so).

But while screenwriter and playwright are similar jobs (and both jobs I hold), they have a fundamental distinction in one important arena: control.

The playwright is, or at least should be, the master of production. They don’t get to make every decision but the show is ostensibly “theirs.” In a new play or musical, director’s main job is to help the playwright translate the ideas in their head onto the stage. The director guides the designers and performers towards what the playwright has in mind and hopefully comes back to the playwright with my favorite phrase (not sarcastic) “I see what you’re going for but here’s where you lose me . . .” The director keeps the machine of the production moving towards opening. This allows the playwright to focus on the text: hoaning, cutting, rewriting, etc.

Because (hopefully) the script will go on. Others will read it. Others will produce it. And we want to make sure that the script that goes on after the premiere is the script that they should be doing. If the writer is also focused on whether or not the building material for the set came in on time and what actor needs help with their stage fight and if the choreographer can actually get the time they need to work on the goddam dance, they are not fully of service to the script. And the production (and ultimately) the script may suffer.

In cinema, the screenplay is much more of a guide than a document to be obeyed. The script will be rewritten before pre-production, during pre-production when restrictions emerge, during production when challenges present themselves, and in post-production by the editor. So if the writer is the director, then the job of keeping true to the original vision of the first draft is protected throughout the million little fires that get set throughout the long, complicated, and protracted effort of making a motion picture.

This is why I was very confident directing the film adaptation of The Ferberizing of Coral but did not direct the stage version at any of the productions leading up to and including the Samuel French Off Off Broadway Festival. The cinematic vision behind that script was very different from the stage one.

I don’t know who will be directing Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House when we get there. But I do know one thing: it won’t be me.

- Patrick, 5/20/26

p.s. The only time I do not follow this rule is my annual participation in the Bethesda Play-in-a-Day Festival. Since we only have 24-hours from inception to presentation, the jobs of writer and director are not as clearly drawn, and everyone is working towards just getting the damn thing up and on its feet in time.

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pre-production

Can I Just Say?

Speaking of writing and directing and Bethesda Play-in-a-Day, I am going to be shooting a short film this summer based on this past year’s play-in-a-day with the original cast. Dave Wardrick is coming back to shoot and we’re compiling the crew now. More updates to follow but the goal is to have the film debut this fall!

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coming soon

TYA Conference

Not really a production per se but I wanted to let everyone know I will be at the 2026 TYA/USA National Festival & Conference in Atlanta next week. So if you’re also going to be there, let me know!

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

Twelve O’Clock

The 48 Hour Film Project used to have this genre called “Musical/Western.” It was the most feared in the grab-bag. It meant your short film could be a musical, a western, or both. Everyone was terrified of pulling it.

We drew it in 2013, 2015, and 2016.

The second time, we just did a western but added a song under the direct inspiration of High Noon. I took The Cassettes song “Time Ain’t Right” and rewrote the lyrics with original vocalist and composer/lyricist Stephen Guidry-White and created a running narrative similar to “Do Not Foresake Me Oh My Darling” (High Noon’s bizarre theme song). So more of an actual Musical Western.

And the film was a great success. It came in 2nd Place in 2015 and also won:
- Best Actress, Suzanne Edgar
- Best Writing, me
- Best Editing, me
- Best Song, Stephen Guidry-White & Patrick Flynn & Claire Guidry-White

Required Elements
genre: Musical or Western
character: Bridget Davenport, runner-up
prop: photo of a relative
line of dialogue: “Let me see what I can do.”

line of dialogue: “What do you think this is?”

END OF LINE

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dictated but not read

So I had this whole rant ready to go about the way Major League Baseball is positioning itself for a player lockout based on billionaire owners who are taking advantage of public perseption to shift blame for bad decisions off themselves and on to their employees who they will then again blame next year for their being no baseball when, in fact, they own the lion’s share of the responsibility for ruining things by allowing their own union-busting, narcassitics —

Anyway, I’m not going to do that.

Because this is theoretically about my creative pursuits. And while everything is political, this was a great couple of weeks here at Unknown Penguin HQ and we could all use some positivity in this world.

Last week, Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House had its first (semi-)public performance. After 2 days of rehearsal, a workshop presentation was given at Adventure Theatre. A recording of that was sent back to the authors and their reps and we’ll see what happens next.

So back to the waiting game.

But the workshop is (except for the broken foot) enough to sustain me for quite a while. The cast was top-notch, and the whole team really put their best foot forward (except me, I sat down).

And being around all those great people doing great work and then showing it to kids who loved it just recharged the batteries to full for a while. So while late-stage capitalism is dragging many of my favorite things to hell as it goes down in flames, it reminded me that we can only do what we can do. And I can add to the amount of harmless joy in the world every now and again. And that’s really great that I have that opportunity.

But most baseball owners and GMs can eat it raw.

- Patrick, 5/6/26

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post-production

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

Not “post-production” in the traditional sense but the aforementioned workshop got a great blurb in Playbill which you can read by clicking anywhere in this sentence!

tales of the unknown penguin

All the Patrick Flynn news you can handle.

By Patrick Flynn

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now playing

Making Stuff: Patrick Flynn on Writing for the Stage

The wonderful Eliza Tebo had me on her new podcast Making Stuff to talk about the process of being a playwright. It was a lovely chat and you can watch it on YouTube! Which is very lucky for you.

friends of the unknown penguin

The Reinvented Life

Essays, stories and poetry about this thing we call life.

By Eliza Tebo

The Reinvented Life

Speaking of Eliza, she has a Substack of her very own and you simply must check it out!

live on stage

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

Once Upon a Time in the DMV

The 48 Hour Film Project used to have this genre called “Musical/Western".” It was the most feared in the grab-bag. It meant your short film could be a musical, a western, or both. Everyone was terrified of pulling it.

We drew it in 2013, 2015, and 2016.

The first time, we just did a western. And here is that western. For which we won an Audience Award and I received “Best Direction - Honorable Mention.”

Required Elements
genre: Musical/Western
prop: a drumstick
character: Alex or Alexa Berbrick, inspector
line of dialogue: “What do you think this is?”

END OF LINE

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dictated but not read

I broke my foot.

I stepped wrong and broke my foot.

Because I’m over 45 and that’s a thing that happens.

I stepped wrong and broke my foot heading out the door on my way to rehearsal for the Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House workshop (more on that below).

I spent the previous four days of my one-and-only life on a bus trip with my son’s high school bands to Nashville, Tennessee. But I had to come home to break my foot. Which is good because I’m very happy I didn’t break it on the road.

Nashville is a weird city. I was there 20+ years ago for a wedding and really liked it. In the intervening decades, it seems to have (like a lot of tourist destinations) leaned HARD into itself. As a result, Broadway is a long streak of drunk bachelorette parties in new boots and hats with great music.

It may be the single worst street in America for anyone with sensory needs, so my son and I didn’t spend much time on the main drag. And a lot of the public parks and buildings were under construction, I assume in prep for the semiquincentennial of the United States this July 4, when Nashville will host “the largest Independence Day celebration in history.” And that got me thinking about how much I don’t want to celebrate the 4th this year.

But I got to check out some guitars and he got to travel with his friends. So it was a good four days overall.

And then I broke my foot.

And as I sat there on my step with my newly broken foot and actually had a place to go do something creative with other folks for the first time in months, I thought about clarifying moments. I had plans, I had feelings, I had thoughts. But I also had a broken foot and that did clarify my priorities in the short term in a real way.

Since it was my left foot, I was able to drive, so I went to the rehearsal because that had to get done. But after I made a doctor’s appointment (because I’m over 45 and that’s what you do when you’re over 45).

And I was grateful I got to choose these things. Because so many people in that circumstance wouldn’t have had the choice or the support system or the health insurance or the dream job or whatever. I had a choice and options. Because I am lucky.

I heard someone on the street in Nashville bemoaning the fact that some people (in their example, the pejorative “lefty snowflakes”) make everything political nowadays. The truth is, everything has always been political since we decided that things like healthcare and children’s safety were debatable topics.

Because when we break our foots, some of us have choices.

And some of us don’t.

- Patrick, 4/22/26

p.s. I didn’t officially know for a fact I had broken my foot until Tuesday morning when I had an X-ray. But, as I said, I’m over 45, and I had done myself a mischief. The break was assumed.

p.p.s. The whole time I was walking around Nashville, I had the song “Walkin’ in Memphis” stuck in my head. How weird is that? That’s weird, right?

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production

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

The workshop presentation for Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House is next week! Kurt Boehm (Adventure Theatre’s Artistic Director) has assembled a great cast and they are going to blow the roof off the place. The actual presentation is invitation only but if it goes well, you’ll see Sadie Mouse on the DC stage SOON!

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live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

Give Me a Show

In 2009, I was in L.A. working a lot with Chris Mathieu and the folks over at ComedySportLA. Amanda McCann was a frequent collaborator and one day we just thought up this video and shot it in my kitchen in Park La Brea. And a good time was had by you! - original description: She’s had 24 kids by 28 men, why does she not have her own TLC show?

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dictated but not read

We took a family trip to Hawaii this Spring Break. One of the twins had asked for a long plane flight for this trip, and she certainly got it. At the recommendation of friends, we only visited one island (O’ahu), but we did try to do as many things as possible while there, including a long car ride up and around the North Shore to see the Polynesian Cultural Center and Dole Plantation.

The Dole Plantation was an odd experience. Like any good plantation, there was no candid discussion about the indentured servitude that led James Dole to become the “Pineapple King,” nor did I expect any. There was the largest maze in the world (we did that) and a train tour of the lands. The tour was fascinating for 4 reasons.

First, the Plantation is still technically a working farm, so there were a handful of farmers out there harvesting (but only a handful that we could see).

Second, there were many pieces of farm equipment near the tracks that were labelled with descriptive plaques (harvester, tractor, etc). But they weren’t nicely placed there or anything. It looks like these giant machines had simply broken down in the field, and they had built the tracks near the breakdowns and labelled them so they wouldn’t have to move/fix them. Which is fair enough, I guess.

Three, the place is overrun with feral cats.

But the most interesting thing was the language used on the audio tour that went with the train ride. Again, I was not expecting any capitulation that James Dole had wildly exploited people so that folks in the continental U.S. could go “. . . Sure, I’ll have some pineapple with that.” But I was fascinated at how this was linguistically tap danced around.

The fastest dancing was during the description of Dole’s purchase of the island of Lānaʻi. It went something like this (I’m paraphrasing): “Dole purchased the island in 1921, which at the time was just cacti and people, and converted the entire 23 square miles into pineapple fields.”

First, I like how the “people” are second to the cacti. But it unintentionally reveals a capitalist trend that is in overdrive today. The implication of that statement above is that he turned something useless into something useful. Because, before Dole arrived, it was just full of useless stuff like cacti and native peoples. He was doing us all a favor by getting rid of both.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some pineapple. But I would have appreciated someone on the Dole team to take a pass through that audio and gone, are we really painting everything in the best light? Or are we trying so hard to run away from the hard truth of our history that we’re tripping over ourselves and committing terrible own-goals?

All major wealth in the United States of America was built on the exploitation of the workers. Why do we have such a hard time just admitting that? What are we afraid of?

Anyway, we put on name on a lock at the giant pineapple in the middle of the maze, like you do, and then headed off to the Polynesian Cultural Center.

And that place rules.

I learned so much about many of the islands that make up Polynesia, how they are culturally and geographically distinct, watched some amazing shows, did some great crafts, and generally had an excellent time.

So, if you’re looking for some stuff to do in O’ahu that isn’t amazing beaches, skip the Dole and hit up the Polynesian Cultural Center. It’s full of amazing people (and no cats).

- Patrick, 4/8/26

pre-production

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

The cast is almost confirmed for Adventure Theatre MTC’s workshop of Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House later this month!

now playing

CineMagic

I’m gonna promote this one more time because I think it came out really well. My interview on DCE’s CineMagic is up at DCEnetwork.com.

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

The Velveteen Rabbit: A Toy Story

available through Theatrical Rights Worldwide

Roanoke College (Salem, VA) - February 18-20, 2027

from the vault

I Live With This - “Abobo”

15 years ago next week, the webseries I Live With This debuted! Starring Chris Mathieu & Mike Gregorek with Amy Rosoff and Louise Munson, it was a great production where I got to work with 3 of my favorite people behind the scenes: Austin Bragg, Jeff Crocker, and Eddie Quintana. The team was a dream and I just had a mustache!

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

Last weekend, The Ferberizing of Coral was at the Awesome Con Short Film Fest and so was I. Taking advantage of the pass that came with being in the film festival, I walked the floor at the Con. I’m not a “Con person” but I did enjoy the experience. Awesome Con is very well run and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. I bought a pin from the Chesapeake Ghostbusters and entered their raffle (which got me a totebag).

I had been to Awesome Con in 2018 with Flying V. We did a reading of the first act of my play Where in North Dakota is Carmen Sandiego? (available at NPX if anyone wants to read it). The reading itself did not go well, mainly due to the fact that we were on a stage on one side of the main floor in a space that was six-sided concrete and the size of an underground hangar. But the actors were great, we had costumes, and we had fun (or, at least, I did).

After the reading, we were approached by a young lady of 7 or 8 who was dressed as Carmen Sandiego. She wanted to meet our Carmen, played by the excellent Amber A. Gibson, and get a picture. Amber obliged and it was delightful.

After the reading, the artistic director was very disappointed in how the reading had gone. And his complaints were valid: the space stunk, the audio stunk, the audience was incredibly small, and it was clear we gained very little from our effort in terms of publicity and/or education about my script.

And while I agreed, I asked if he’d seen the young lady talking to Amber. Because that made the whole thing worth it to me. We made that girl’s Con, she’d met Carmen Sandiego. She could remember that for the rest of her life. And we did that. It may not have been what we set out to do, but it was an excellent result.

The entertainment business is filled with disappointment and heartbreak at most turns. To get through this, as I see it, one has two choices: get bitter or keep your eye on the big picture.

Why did we get into theatre? Why did we start making movies? I hope it’s because we saw something that moved us and we wanted to move other people. If that’s your starting objective, then know it when you see it. We certainly didn’t step on the stage at Awesome Con 2018 to make one young lady’s day. But we did. The rest was largely out of our control anyway.

Yesterday, I got 36 hand-written thank you notes from young artists from the Clinton County Youth Theatre of Frankfort, Indiana who did my play Tinker Bell (available now from Dramatic Publishing). I had Zoomed in with the cast and crew last month (something I love doing) and they generously mailed me a T-shirt from the production and said notes.

This is why we do it.

It has to be.

Nothing is guaranteed. Not money, not fame, not a paying audience, not an attentive audience, not a good stage, not a working sound system, not ideal production standards, not a 2nd act of your show.

But if your art can make a kid’s day, that’s more than enough.

- Patrick, 3/25/26

pre-production

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

We’ve started pulling folks together for the Adventure Theatre MTC workshop of Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House in April. Once the whole gang is assembled, watch this space for who’s who!

now playing

CineMagic

My interview on DCE’s CineMagic aired last Friday (March 20). But you can watch it RIGHT NOW at DCEnetwork.com. And you should.

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

from the vault

The Original Cast at the Movies 50: Grease 2 (1982)

I met Joanna McKee through Kenny Neal who recommended her as a guest on The Original Cast at the Movies discussion of the movie Phantom of the Paradise. She was fun, witty, erudite, and just this side of shy. She was the last guest who recorded an episode of The Original Cast in person before the pandemic (we talked the OBCR of Anastasia). Joanna died from cancer almost 2 years ago and I still can’t quite believe it. So enjoy this wonderful discussion with her and the always excellent Serena Berman as we chat Grease 2.

February 27, 2022 - original show notes: The “Year of Sequels and Biopics” continues with a sequel that maybe isn’t a movie? Serena Berman and Joanna McKee join Patrick to figure out the secrets of GREASE 2!

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dictated but not read

With the Oscars coming this Sunday, I’ve been getting my picks ready and compiling my own Top 10 list of the year (available here). And as I do so, I’ve found a rising trend in three of my favorites: vibes.

It’s an overused term for sure, but I think if I were going to classify what makes One Battle After Another, The Secret Agent, and Train Dreams special above other films, it’s vibes.

What do I mean by “vibes?” In this case, they are movies that get to us emotionally and intellectually, not by creative plots (the opposite, really) but by creating a mood and putting very interesting characters inside of that mood.

The opening scene of The Secret Agent is the best example of this. Our protagonist arrives at a gas station to fill up his car. There is a dead body under a piece of cardboard nearby. The owner explains he’s called the police, but it’s been a few days. Moments later, a police car arrives. But they’re not there to deal with the corpse (which they don’t even react to), they’re there to shake down our protagonist for some cash.

The scene tells us everything about the world our characters inhabit: it is corrupt, it is not safe, and it has little to no regard for human life. But the scene is also pure mood. Like Three Days of the Condor or another great 70s thriller, we feel constantly on the edge. Something bad is going to happen (and has happened). But we don’t know from where the danger will emerge. And neither does our protagonist.

All three of these movies have similar sequences and moods. Ghetto Pat on the phone with the underground caught in a bureaucratic nightmare of his own drug use, Robert Grainier watching a man be thrown off some train tracks, these movies are interested in mood. In “vibes.” And from that vibe, an emotional experience emerges.

When story structure has been beaten to death by the MCU and DCU and whatever Avatar is, the only recourse is mood. It’s a delicate balance, but these great filmmakers are embracing it wholeheartedly.

And it is not without precedent. These ideas have clear roots in the 70s. The Coen Brothers have been working in vibes since Blood Simple. and reached an apex with No Country for Old Men and A Serious Man. Paul Thomas Anderson hasn’t made a straightforward narrative film since Magnolia (and even that was pushing it).

There’s a moment in Christopher Nolan’s Tenet in which one character tells the Protagonist to “just feel it.” And I think that’s where we’re headed with some of our best filmmakers. Don’t worry about the plot so much, just sit back and let it take you places. It’s not going to hit 100% of the time, but One Battle After After Another, The Secret Agent, and Train Dreams are all bangers.

Also Sinners and Weapons rule.

- Patrick, 3/11/26

pre-production

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

Adventure Theatre MTC will be hosting the workshop for my new musical Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House in April! After which, we hope to be announcing the full production (but there’s a few steps in between we have to clear first)

post-production

Can I Just Say?

At Bethesda Play-in-a-Day on February 28, our play Can I Just Say? took home “Best Writing!” You can read the script at the New Play Exchange and I hope to have more news on this one in the very near future.

coming soon

CineMagic

My interview on DCE’s CineMagic will air next Friday (March 20) at 8:00pm. After the airing, it will be available on DCEnetwork.com.

now playing

The Ferberizing of Coral

THIS SATURDAY (March 14)! Awesome Con!! Washington, DC!!! 1:30pm!!!! TICKETS AND INFO!!!!!

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Punxsutawney Theatre Arts Guild (Punxsutawney, PA) - March 20-21

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

from the vault

The Crown Must Go On

Our 2023 Best Film winner at the DC 48 Hour Film Project will be the subject of my interview on CineMagic, so you should refresh yourself with its contents before next Friday. Just a good idea in general.

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

What do we talk about when we talk about whether a movie is “good” or not?

Or a book? Or a play? Or any piece of art?

What we’re really doing is having two possible conversations:

1. Is it “good” on some allegedly objective scale of quality based on academic and/or industry standards?

2. Did the viewer enjoy the experience of watching/reading/listening to the movie/book/music?

And while these conversations can get heated over music, I think these debates never get starker than over movies.

There is something about moving images with synchronized sound. They get in our souls immediately, like emotional heroin. Our reactions are visceral, extreme, and immediate. We can walk out of a movie floating on air & changed forever or in the foulest mood of our young lives with a “how dare they” on our lips directed at strangers we will never meet but we feel have personally wronged us.

But here’s the rub, just because you did not enjoy a movie does not mean it is objectively “bad.” And just because you loved a movie, does not mean it is objectively “good.”

Some of the most enjoyable 110 minutes of my whole life was spent watching the 2019 film CATS. I was amazed, stupefied, and constantly surprised at the hot garbage being pumped into my brain by this incredibly confounding work of professional filmmakers.

From an academic standpoint, CATS is an “F.” But my enjoyment (ironic though it may have been) was an A+.

The existence of an objective quality scale in the arts is dubious at best. Art is subjective. We have aesthetic criteria to judge quality, professionalism, etc. But as anyone who watched Crash beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture at the Oscars in 2005 knows, these things are most definitely subjective.

This was all brought sharply into focus for me recently when I saw the 2025 film Marty Supreme.

Nominated for Best Picture and eight other Oscars (and with an almost certain win for Timothée Chalamet as the titular Marty), the film was high on my list of must-sees this Oscar season. My extended family had all recently seen it in small groups, and it had proved a divisive feature. The majority strongly disliked the movie, while a minority enjoyed it. As the only one with a Master’s Degree in film, I was, of course, sent to give the final word (or at least that’s what I heard, I wasn’t really listening).

And, Reader, I did not care for it.

I found all the characters hateful and unsympathetic, the scenarios without joy and/or merit, the journey muddled, no one to root for, no thing to root for, and the runtime intolerably long.

But I think that’s exactly what the creators intended.

Not to say they wanted me to have a bad time; rather, that they were crafting a world of irredeemable assholes doing irredeemably assholish things to each other without let or hindrance.

That was the world they wanted to create. And they did. And I hated it. But that’s fine. It wasn’t for me. Not everything is. Not everything has to be for you.

I also don’t have to enjoy myself to see the talent of all those involved. The acting was excellent (especially Tyler the Creator in a wonderful turn), the design was flawless, the photography was lovely. It was like the opposite of CATS. Marty Supreme accomplished exactly what it intended and left it to you to enjoy or not. CATS accomplished nothing that it intended and is miraculously enjoyable (if you’re a sicko like me).

I like story about characters on journeys. Characters who grow. Characters who learn. Characters who find joy in a heartless world. Marty Supreme could not be less interested in any of these things. It’s interested in characters who make terrible choices and then have to deal with other characters who have made terrible choices. It’s about creating a mood of tension and pain and then building that to a feverish climax that releases in an unexpected way.

We are at odds from the jump.

So, is Marty Supreme “good?” Yes.

And I did not care for it.

I wish it no ill will. I do not hold any bizarre vendetta for the filmmakers (none of whom I know). And any success it finds at the Oscars this March, I applaud it (but I’d put Timothée third behind Leo and Wagner Moura in terms of performances I enjoyed in that category).

Truth be told, the only true judge of any piece of art’s worth is time. It’s a Wonderful Life was a flop when it debuted in theatres and is now considered a classic. How many podcasts and listicles and video essays are dedicated to Oscar “snubs” and “can you believe that won over this?!” discourse? But holding a yearly awards ceremony a decade after a movie’s release is unrealistic.

So, next time you don’t connect with a piece of art, ask if it was truly “bad” or just not for you. Roger Ebert hated The Usual Suspects and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. The original Broadway production of Merrily We Roll Along ran for 16 performances. Nick Drake’s albums didn’t sell in his lifetime.

The only judge is time.

And me.

And Skimbleshanks. That guy’s awesome.

- Patrick, 2/25/26

coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral

Awesome Con! Washington, DC! March 14 at 1:30pm TICKETS AND INFO!

now playing

Bethesda Play-in-a-Day

This Saturday (February 27), I will once again be proudly representing Adventure Theatre MTC at Bethesda Play-in-a-Day sponsored by Bethesda Urban Partnership. No idea what this year’s play is about but I can tell you it stars Irene Hamilton, Kari Ginsburg, and Mary Myers. So you 1000% need to see it. TICKETS AND MORE INFO HERE!

friends of the unknown penguin

DC Theater Arts

So I don’t know if you follow the news or not but our local paper is . . . what is the word? Folding. That’s it. It’s folding. And not that its local arts coverage was extant before but without an actual regional paper in our region then any hope for any kind of news coverage of the most wonderful arts scene in the country has died.

And that’s why you need to read and support DC Theater Arts.

They are single-handedly holding theatre coverage in DC together with both hands and doing great work in the process.

Start with Nicole Hervik’s wonderful “Inside Trump’s Bonkers Kennedy Center Honors” and then go from there.

It is more necessary now than ever before.

This really is the best theatre city in the country. So you should read about it.

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Trinity Theatre Company (San Diego, CA) - March 6-8

Punxsutawney Theatre Arts Guild (Punxsutawney, PA) - March 20-21

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

from the vault

Talk to You Later - Hash

originally released: February 25, 2012 - Please pardon the lack of description, apparently I have reached my word limit.

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

I learned to play Mahjong (麻將) last week.

My brothers and I spent the weekend together and my youngest brother taught us. To make it easier (and since the 2026 card doesn’t come out for a couple months), he made us a simplified card to learn with. So we only had about twelve hands or so we were working with.

If you don’t play, it’s a lot like Rummikub but without runs. If you don’t know Rummikub, it’s like Rummy. If you don’t know Rummy, just smile and nod.

One thing the three of us learned after a few hands (games?), is you don’t want to commit to a course of action too early. You need to learn to watch all the tiles as they come out and let your options narrow naturally. Then, when your course reveals itself (or you’re stuck), go full-bore (or play to draw).

The weird thing was, after playing lots of games (hands?), same-said youngest brother and I realized this was an apt metaphor for life goals.

You have something you want to achieve. But what is that thing? What is it at its core? Do you want to win an Oscar? Is that the goal? Or do you want to be a professional in the field and the Oscar is more of a dream than a goal?

Knowing the difference is essential to success. Because your actual goal is probably a lot broader than you think it is. And if you know it, you’ll see there are actually many different ways you can achieve it.

So many of my students think their success depends getting a Broadway show right out of college or getting into the Yale School of Drama or winning the Student Academy Awards. And while those are all amazing things, the odds are slim. So my question always is: if you don’t get that one very specific thing, are you going to quit? If the answer is “yes,” fair enough I guess. But I’d guess you’ll probably find another route to pursue your actual goal.

So, by all means: audition, apply, submit. Shoot the moon. But keep your eye on the prize because it’s hard enough out there without artificially narrowing the lanes for yourself.

And don’t go for 🀃🀀🀂🀁. It seems cool at first but it’s such a limited course of action.

- Patrick, 2/11/26

coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral

Awesome Con! Washington, DC! March 13-15. Exact date and time to be announced! (But probably Saturday, March 14 @ 1:00pm) TICKETS AND INFO!

CineMagic

Looks like my episode will air February 20th at 8:00pm on DCN for DC locals. But it will live-stream and be hosted at DC Network’s website for everyone else. More specific links when they become available.

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Trinity Theatre Company (San Diego, CA) - March 6-8

Punxsutawney Theatre Arts Guild (Punxsutawney, PA) - March 20-21

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

Freedom High School (Oakley, CA) - April 22-24

from the vault

Decomposition Podcast - EPISODE 50: Patrick Flynn, The Billy Joel Apologist

50th Episode Special:
We were lucky enough to have an awesome, recorded conversation with Patrick Flynn (The Original Cast) about Billy Joel. Brad is not a fan. Patrick is a huge fan. Katie has no strong opinions...other than that she loves Oliver! and Company. We go through Joel’s catalog of hit songs over the years, from “Captain Jack” to “The River of Dreams” and plenty in between. We learn that Brad loves some Billy Joel songs even though he doesn’t like Billy Joel. Patrick is ashamed of some of his Billy Joel love. Katie forgets things about Billy Joel and doesn’t realize some Billy Joel songs are by Billy Joel. But we spend some time discussing other artists: Alexa Ray Joel, Neil Young, Frankie Valli, Semisonic, Nine Days...and, obviously, the cost of driving through Delaware. - originally released February 5, 2018

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

You can’t keep the world out.

It will find you.

Many, if not most, of us were reminded of that this past weekend when the latest evidence of climate change dropped ice and snow from Texas to Connecticut. We did okay in my neck: about 6” of snow and 4” of sleet with no power loss.

But it did force the cancellation of my daughters’ dance recital and severely interrupted my son’s birthday plans. A good instruction for all three of them that, sometimes, life conspires against our best laid plans in unexpected ways. And while our lives have been mildly inconvenienced, some people’s lives have been extremely disrupted and/or even destroyed by what life has thrown at them.

We learn that you can do everything correctly and still lose due to fate or the weather or the decisions and actions of those who have decided that cruelty is the only way forward.

Sometimes, a system blows into your town totally uninvited, causes a tremendous mess without let or hindrance or care for people or property of basic human decency.

And we look at the news and despair because there seems like nothing we can do.

But then, we get up the next day and do what needs doing.

We shovel ourselves out. We help our neighbors shovel themselves out. We expel the evil force from our homes by any means necessary. And it won’t go away quickly, or easily, but with slow, steady, and persistent pressure and force applied in the right places, combined with assistance from the sun, the terrible thing that came into our homes is gone.

Not overnight. It’ll be here for much longer than it should and it will cause a lot more damage before it is forced out. But it will be gone one day if we refuse to accept it. We’ll see friends fall and get hurt, as if the force wanted that from the beginning (and I think it did). But we help them up, if we can. And we mourn them if we cannot. And we wish we could do more. And we kiss our children and pray the force doesn’t come for them for reasons passing understanding.

Because through all the shovelling and salting and shovelling breaking through and resisting I did today, one thought pervaded over all else:

FUCK ICE.

- Patrick, 1/28/26

coming soon

The Ferberizing of Coral

NEW LAUREL on the poster! The Ferberizing of Coral will be screening at Awesome Con this March in Washington, DC. Exact date and time to be announced! Also, totally by coincidence, we put the trailer up on the Instagram and it’s tearing it up over there. Give it a click.

CineMagic

Last week, I taped a segment for DCN (DC’s cable channel) and their show CineMagic talking about the 48 Hour Film Project and especially my film The Crown Must Go On. It was a lot of fun and I’m quite chuffed to have been asked. The episode should air in the next couple weeks, watch this space for date and time (it’s streaming outside of DC.)

friends of the unknown penguin

Mitzi’s Substack

If you know The Ferberizing of Coral short film (mentioned above), then you know Mitzi Akaha. She’s a wonderful actor, outstanding collaborator, and excellent brunch date. Lately, I’ve been very taken with her Substack. I was especially moved by her post from Jan 1 entitled “Garbage Day” (linked below).

So subscribe to Mitzi. She doesn’t post on a regular schedule as much as I do but her posts are all thinkers worth your time. Subscribe, and tell her I sent you.

Mitzi’s Substack

From one gaseous miracle to another

By Mitzi Akaha

Mitzi’s Substack

Garbage Day

My boyfriend has suggested I go to therapy twice since we started dating but what he doesn’t know is that not going is better for me. Inevitably there would come a day when I bring up this afternoon I had in August where my spirit was irreparably broken and then I would hear from a highly trained mental health expert whose job it is to help me orient my…

Read more

8 months ago · 14 likes · 3 comments · Mitzi Akaha

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

Clinton County Youth Theatre (Frankfort, IN) - January 29-31

Trinity Theatre Company (San Diego, CA) - March 6-8

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

from the vault

Festivale - Episode 1: Meet David Johnson

We thought we were making a short.

Seriously. A fully-improvised mockumentary about a small-town film festival getting the chance to debut the latest movie from a has-been “auteur” was supposed to be 35-minutes long tops.

The rough-cut was 135 minutes long.

I did eventually trim it down to a tidy 80 minute movie that I do stand behind. But this webseries version is the best of it. 15 main episodes, 8 bonus episodes, all wonderful.

Enjoy.

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

We’re kicking off the new year inside of another waiting phase. There’s lots of that wonderful leg work to do but, mostly, waiting.

Luckily, we’ve also hit the road to the Oscars. That wonderful time of the year where I break out my spreadsheet and play amateur statistician so I can try and win the ole Oscar pool. I’m batting about 0.667 for my career¹. My high watermark was 2021, where I went 19 for 23².

I love this stuff.

And, also luckily, the movies this year have been wonderful to watch.

The best way to win your Oscar pool is actually to see NONE of the films. That way, opinion doesn’t come into play, you only know the hype. And the hype is usually right. But we appear to be barrelling towards the dominance of my favorite movie of 2025 (so far): One Battle After Another. It’s taken the National Board of Review, Critics’ Choice, and Golden Globe for Best Picture. And while Slumdog Millionaire (2008) did this and took home the big prize, so did The Social Network (2010), so I remain on edge.³

If you haven’t seen One Battle After Another, it’s remarkable. Truly. Not only for the filmmaking but also for its timeliness, which is pure luck. It takes years to make a movie, especially when you include the screenplay writing in that continuum. Paul Thomas Anderson has made a movie about now. And I mean right now. Like, shockingly right now. And you owe it to yourself to see, because it’s amazing.

I also literally⁴ just watched Weapons before sitting down to type this, which was also excellent. I’m not a horror guy but the storytelling was top-notch. Highly recommend.

But both these films have something else in common this awards season. They are hopefully victory laps for two wonderful artists: Paul Thomas Anderson and Amy Madigan.

I’ve been a PTA fan since ‘97 when I first saw Boogie Nights (1997). My fandom solidified when I saw Magnolia (1999) at the age of 19. This was the apex of cinema as far as I was concerned. And while the film was universally praised, I was frustrated that Robert Ebert said PTA was a filmmaker who would do “Great things one day.” I kept saying: “He’s doing great things right now!” But here, 25+ years later, I understand what he meant. Magnolia is amazing. But The Master (2012) is arresting. There Will Be Blood (2007) is on a different level. And One Battle After Another might be PTA’s best film, which is saying something. Hopefully he’ll get his three Oscars this March.

Amy Madigan is one of those working actors. By that I mean, an actor who is a worker. Theatre, film, television, usually supporting roles, some awards recognition here and there, but mostly grinding. My first thought of her is Field of Dreams (1989) as the no-nonsense Annie Kinsella. But she’s also excellent in Streets of Fire (1984), Uncle Buck (1989), and Gone Baby Gone (2007)⁵. She’s one of those actors who, when they show up, you know they’re gonna be good. And in Weapons, she is . . . something else entirely. I mean, seriously. She is wild. In a movie that is wild, she is WILD. And I really hope she takes the statue home this year, for all those grinders out there to see and know⁶.⁷

- Patrick, 1/14/26

FOOTNOTES
1 - If you don’t follow baseball, this would be the best batting average of all time.
2 - 0.826
3 - Both of these won the Golden Globe for “Best Picture - Drama” and One Battle After Another has won the Golden Globe for “Best Picture - Comedy” so that’s a thing.
4 - Literally.
5 - Please note the range.
6 - I did see Sinners but this post has gone on long enough. I will not be seeing Hamnet and will not be taking questions at this time.
7 - Heh. Six seven.

coming soon

Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House

We had a (very small, very private) reading this week. Workshop coming this summer. Are you excited?

friends of the unknown penguin

FlopTV: Season 3

If you know me, you know I love The Flop House podcast. And I’ve been lucky enough to become aquainted with Dan, Stu, and Elliott through my own podcast (you can listen to their episodes of that by clicking on this very sentence).

A couple years ago, they started a video addendum to their podcast called FlopTV where they cover more “classic” films they don’t get a chance to do on the main podcast. This 3rd season of FlopTV has been a hoot-and-a-half and you need to get yourselves over there and check it out.

https://www.flophousepodcast.com/event/flop-tv-season-3/

There’s one more live stream left this season where they’ll be doing Plan 9 from Outerspace (1957). But your subscription gives you access to the entire season of classic Hollywood flops: Doctor Doolittle (1967), Zardoz (1974) [a favorite of mine], Xanadu (1980) [a favorite of me and my wife’s], Jack Frost (1998), and The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002) [a favorite of my students’].

Also, you should totally subscribe to their newsletter by clicking below (opens new tab).

live on stage

True North Theatre in Maine is doing a pay-what-you-wish production of Tinker Bell so that as many people as possible can see the show. I am so happy they chose my play for this wonderful experiment. The video about it is above.

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

True North Theatre (Orono, ME) - January 9-18

Toms River High School East (Toms River, NJ) - January 23

Clinton County Youth Theatre (Frankfort, IN) - January 29-31

Trinity Theatre Company (San Diego, CA) - March 6-8

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7

Union 8th Grade Center (Broken Arrow, OK) - April 16-17

from the vault

The Worst of All Possible Worlds 70 - Company feat. Patrick Flynn

PODCAST GUEST APPEARANCE - ORIGINALLY RELEASED JANUARY 18, 2023

show notes: Phone rings, door chimes, in comes Patrick Flynn (The Original Cast) as he and the lads celebrate Bobby’s infamous 35th birthday in the Stephen Sondheim/George Furth deep-dive into marriage: Company. Topics include the many revivals of the show, the superb score/uneven book, and the incomparable performance of Raúl Esparza.

podcast description: The Worst of All Possible Worlds - Case studies in the pop culture of a dying empire. We are the first and only podcast bringing you weekly case studies in the pop culture of a dying empire. Every Wednesday, co-hosts Josh Boerman, Brian Alford, and A.J. Ditty dissect an artefact of popular culture, breaking down how its narrative choices reflect or subvert the reactionary political project. From video games to movies to theatre to an apparently infinite supply of evangelical Christian radio drama, we expose the machinations of the worst of all possible worlds in order to figure out how to build a better one.

END OF LINE

dictated but not read

We have a rule in my house. This rule has been negotiated over the 20+ years my wife and I have been a couple. And that rule is: No Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving.

The day after Thanksgiving, a radical transformation occurs in our house. We get our tree, the lights go up, and over the course of the weekend, Christmas comes to our house. To be clear, I enjoy the holidays. I love the tree and the lights and the kids getting excited and all that. But that Christmas creep really bugs me. All things in their season (turn, turn, turn).

And my wife loves Christmas music. Loves it. Especially Harry Connick Jr’s albums. She loves the vibes and the sounds and all of it. And I have no problem with that. But my tastes run to the more, shall we say, obscure. And it all began with the film Love Actually.

As you undoubtedly know, one of the 10 plot lines in that also 20+-year-old Christmas movie is about an aging rock star trying to have the number 1 song at Christmas. And while this plot seems well enough here in the States, across the pond, the Christmas #1 has (or, at least, had) real significance.

I’m not going to go into the whole hilarious, wonderul, odd history of this phenomenon in the United Kingdom. For that, you should listen to Chris Molanphy’s Hit Parade podcast over at Slate (by clicking on this very sentence). The short version is that from about 1973 through roughly 2022 (when LadBaby and streaming music finally killed it), the battle in the charts for what would be the number 1 song at Christmas was an annual event in Britain and several bands and artists would release songs trying to capture the crown.

Now, me being a semi-professional anglophile, I immediately learned all I could about this phenomenon and downloaded not only every single Christmas number 1 from 1952¹ (when their charts started) to the present, but also the other songs that had been in contention. And, through this obsessive process, I found my holiday music.

Not all these songs are holiday-themed. For every Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody” (1973), Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” (1984), and Boney M’s “Mary’s Boy Child – Oh My Lord” (1978), you’ve got regular pop songs like The Beatles “Hello, Goodbye” (1967)², Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” (1975)³, and Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” (1980). You’ve also got weird ones like the Bob the Builder theme song in 2000 or the theme from Mr. Blobby in 1993. Also, “Killing in the Name Of” by Rage Against the Machine in 2009 as a protest against The X Factor’s domination of the charts (seriously: listen to this Hit Parade episode).

Ample feeding ground for a weirdo like me to create a Christmas playlist that literally no one wants except me.

Not all are for everyone, but below may I present my Top 10 favorite songs from my extensive Christmas playlist. I hope they expand your repertoire and make your holidays a little more weirdly cheerful.

#10. “Hey Mister Christmas” - Showaddywaddy (1974)

Showaddywaddy is one of those bands that never really made it in the States and is largely disparaged in the UK these days. But this is a fun one that I never skip when it comes up on shuffle. It was kept out of the top spot in 1974 by “Lonely This Christmas” by Mud.

#9. “I Hear You Knocking” - Dave Edmunds (1970)

England’s #1 Christmas song in 1970 is this bluesy rocker from Dave Edmunds. It has nothing to do with Christmas or the holidays or even joy and understanding and/or peace on Earth. But my kids love it and so it is on heavy rotation this time of year.

#8. “Fairytale of New York” - The Pogues & Kristy MacColl (1988)

A perennial favorite kept out of the number 1 spot by Cliff Richard’s incredibly banal and boring “Mistletoe and Wine.”⁴ The release into the chorus of “The boys of the NYPD choir…” is maybe one of the 10 best moments in recorded music. It’s just a joy to listen to except that it has a very bad word in it which was tossed around more carelessly in the late 80s and I wish wasn’t there and makes me not play it as much.

#7. “Pantomime: Everywhere It’s Christmas” - The Beatles (1966)

Ok, so I’m cheating. It’s not really a “song” per se but every year from 1963-1969, the Beatles released a Christmas fan club flexi-disc. They are fascinating as artifacts and also track the rise and fall of the band as a creative unit. And while 1967’s “Christmas Time (Is Here Again)” has a better hook, this one (made during the sessions for what would become Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band) is a blend of joy, humor, wonderful sketches, music, and fun. “Who will remember the buns, Podgey?”

Listen to the song here: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1160lv

#6. “Wombling Merry Christmas” - The Wombles (1974)

I don’t really know who the Wombles are or what they want and/or stand for. But this song is everything great about the fight for the Christmas #1 in a nutshell for me. I have the LP in my collection.

#5. “O Tannenbaum” - Vince Guaraldi Trio (1965)

It’s not how the movie A Charlie Brown Christmas kicks off but it is how the LP soundtrack kicks off. And it’s the first thing I play as the kids come down to presents every year.

#4. “This Christmas” - Donny Hathaway (1970)

The tortured life of Donny Hathaway is well-documented. And while this is a mainstay in holiday TV adverts now, it was a flop in its initial release. Which I don’t get at all. Donny’s an amazing artist. Go buy his 1970 LP Everything is Everything right now. Just do it.

#3. “The Christmas Song” - Nat King Cole (1945)

I mean . . . c’mon.

#2. “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” - John & Yoko/The Plastic Ono Band with the Harlem Community Choir (1971)

John Lennon is not remembered as much for his melodies as he is for his lyrics. And while his wordsmithing was outstanding, he is also the man who wrote “Give Peace a Chance,” which is all music. And this simple, cyclical chord progression with this simple message combines both his beautiful gift for music and his biting gift for words. I think it’s the best thought to have this time of year: “So this is Christmas / And what have you done?” It was kept out of the charts that year by a combination of John being in New York when it was released, shenanigans with Apple Records, and Benny Hill’s “Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)” which was #1 at Christmas in 1971.

#1. “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” - Wizzard (1973)

The great discovery of my UK Christmas #1 rabbit hole searches has been this incredibly catchy, fun, and weird performance from Wizzard. Production values have never been higher and explicability has never been lower. That’s where I live, dear reader. That is where I live.

Gary Crimble.

- Patrick, 12/17/25

FOOTNOTES

1. 1973 was when the media started making a show of the thing but, obviously, there had been a number 1 song every Christmas before that as well.
2. The Beatles had 4 overall including three-in-a-row: “I Want to Hold Your Hand” (!963), “I Feel Fine” (1964), and “Day Tripper” / “We Can Work It Out” (1965). Paul McCartney also had his own Christmas #1 in 1977 with Wings’ “Mull of Kintyre.”
3. “Bohemian Rhapsody” was the Christmas #1 again in 1991 after Freddie Mercury died when it was reissued as a double-A-sided single with “These Are the Days of Our Lives.”
4. Cliff also has had 3 Christmas #1s with “I Love You” (1960) and “Saviour’s Day” (1990). Like everything Cliff has ever done, they kind of suck.

now playing

Talk to You Later

Another Top 5 list for you as this series closes out (finale on Friday!) and is watchable on these fine platforms:

• TikTok: @unkn0wnp3ngu1n

• Instagram: @unknownpenguin

• YouTube: @unknownpenguin

Here are the top 5 most viewed episodes of this series. See if you can find the pattern:

#5 - Taft

#4 - Danced

#3 - Pancake

#2 - Morse

#1 - OK

friends of the unknown penguin

Chris Klimek’s Christmas Mixtapes

My good buddy, film critic, podcaster, NPR regular, and all-around mench Chris Klimek puts out an annual mixtape at this time of year and, every year, I love the ever-loving hell out of it. So get over to his wesbite and join the wonderful holiday production: https://chrisklimek.net/audio-video

live on stage

Tinker Bell

available through Dramatic Publishing

True North Theatre (Orono, ME) - January 9-18, 2026

Toms River High School East (Toms River, NJ) - January 23, 2026

Clinton County Youth Theatre (Frankfort, IN) - January 29-31, 2026

Trinity Theatre Company (San Diego, CA) - March 6-8, 2026

DeSales University (Center Valley, PA) - March 17-April 7, 2026

from the vault

What is Love Actually?

Speaking of Love Actually, in 2020 Beth Amann and I released this little podcast that I am so proud of. Each episode takes 1 plot line from Love Actually and examines it as we try to answer the question: “What is Love Actually?” We had guests the like of as Keith Powell & Jill Knox Powell, Alexandra Petri, Robbie Rozelle & Robert W. Schneider, Stephen Stromberg, Jonathan Howard, Kimberly Cooper Schmidt & Jay Schmidt. So you can’t lose by giving it a good listen: https://www.unknownpenguin.com/loveactuallypod

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