Recap:

• Lil Jo (Yusuf) has a wild dream where eleven stars, the sun, and the moon all bow down to him. His dad, Jacob, recognises the divine flex and warns him: "Do NOT tell them niggas about this dream. Ion want them plotting on you."

• The ten older brothers notice the obvious favouritism and start group-chatting behind his back. Option A: Unalive him. Option B: Dump him in a ditch. They settle on Option B.

• The brothers manipulate Jacob into letting handsome Squidward go out to "play" with them in the fields.

• The second they get out into the wilderness, they jump Jo and drop his ass right down into a deep, dark well.

• They grab Jo's coat, slaughter a random goat, completely soak the shirt in blood, and stroll back home wailing fake snot-bubble tears to tell Jacob a wild wolf ate him.

• Jacob takes one look at the blood-soaked shirt, and immediately calls cap. He essentially says, "y’all some lyin ass nighas but God got me »

Alright so here we are part II:

Meanwhile, back at the well, Jo is just sitting in the dark waiting for a miracle. A random trade caravan passes by and sends their water guy to scoop up a bucket. He drops the bucket down, Jo grabs the rope, and the guy is pulling and feels this heavy ass thing hanging on. The thing as lil Jo. The man sees a handsome squidward ass teenager hanging onto the bucket and yells, "Jackpot! Look at this nigga!"

They decide to keep him as trade inventory, march him down to Egypt, and list him on the market. They end up panic selling him for cheap, literally a handful of silver coins just to flip him quick.

Now we in Egypt. The buyer turns out to be the Aziz (a high ranking Egyptian official). He brings Jo home and tells his wife, Zulaikha: « Treat him well. He might be useful to us, or we could even adopt him or somethin »

So Jo grows up in the mansion, gets blessed with divine wisdom, and matures into absolute main-character energy. We are talking otherworldly, drop dead handsome and rich asf. From wells to riches. The End.

NOT

The Aziz’s wife takes one look at grown up Jo and gets a lil damp in the coochie. One day, she locks all the doors, blocks the exit, and tells him directly: "Come on over here and gimme some of that CAWK.

Jo immediately is like « ALLAHU AKBAR GET THIS JIGABOO AWAY FROM ME. »

He runs for the door. She lunges after him, grabs the back of his shirt, and she tears it right off his back just as he hits the exit.

Pause.. Y’all this lady really tried to SA this young man…

Let’s continue..

Guess who was right outside waiting at the door. Her husband.

Follow to find out what happens next 😏

Without skipping a beat, she spins around, points at Jo, and says to her husband:

"What else should happen to a guy who tried to do the fuck your wife, except getting thrown in prison or getting hit with a severe punishment?!"

Jo speaks up real fast: "AHT AHT, SHE LITERALLY TRIED TO RAPE ME! « 

Now it’s a classic "he said, she said" situation—until a smart relative from her side of the family steps in with some forensic logic:

• If his shirt is torn from the front: She’s telling the truth, and he’s lying.

• If his shirt is torn from the back: She’s lying, and he’s telling the truth.

They inspect the shirt. Torn completely from the back. The Aziz turns to his wife, sighs, and says, "This is purely your ho ass. Women's schemes are no joke." He looks at Jo and goes, "Yusuf, (Jo) you good." Then he tells his wife, "And you, go ask forgiveness for your ho ass tendencies."

Not her relative dry snitching on her lmao. The End.

SIKE

You think that’s the end of it? Absolutely not. Gossip spreads through the elite Egyptian social circles like wildfire:

"Did you hear about the Aziz’s wife? She's down bad she out here tryna rape lil young niggas.! »

When she hears the city women talking shit behind her back, she plans the ultimate pettiness. She invites all the high society ladies over for a lavish banquet, hands each of them a sharp knife and some fruit to peel, and then orders Jo to walk into the room.

Jo walks in, and the women literally freeze. They are so stunned by his beauty that they lose all spatial awareness and start accidentally slicing their own hands open with their knives, gasping:

"Good lawd, this isn't a human being... this is literally a goddamn angel!"

The Aziz's wife smiles, stands back, and says:

"See? THIS is the guy you were all judging me for falling for! I tried to rape him, and he turned me down. But hear me now: if he doesn't do what I make him to do next, he's going straight to prison and getting humbled."

Jo looks up, takes a deep breath, and prays:

« Lawd, prison is way better than what these old ass heffas are calling me to do. If You don't do somethin, I might slip up and catch a body »

God hears his prayer and protects him, but to save face and stop the scandal, the Aziz and the officials decide that even though Jo is 100% innocent, they're going to lock him up anyway for a while...

(So Jo stays completely pure, refuses to mess with married women, gets framed TWICE, and his reward from these people is getting sent to the dungeon just so the rich folks don't look bad?!  Chile, I bet Jo wanted to go back to that damn well.)

Genesis 15 opens with Sky Daddy appearing in a vision like, "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield, your reward will be very great."

And Abram finally snaps. He’s like, "Great reward?? Lordt, stop fuckin with me man. I’m out here living childless, and my main servant Eliezer from Damascus is about to inherit all my shit.  Is you high ?"

Sky Daddy doesn't even flinch. He takes Abram outside in the dead of night and says, "Look up at the sky. Count the stars—if you even can. That’s how many descendants you’re gonna have." And blessing his heart, Abram believes Him. God is so hyped by Abram's faith that He decides to seal the deal with a covenant. But the ritual is wild.

God tells him to grab a heifer, a goat, a ram, a dove, and a pigeon, cut them all in half, and line up the pieces. Then, when it gets dark, a smoking firepot and a blazing torch just float right between the carcass pieces. Nigga what??

PAUSE... What is Lot’s ass doing?

Before we get into the pure chaos that happens next in Abram’s tent, you’re probably wondering: where is our boy Parking Lot? Didn't he just get kidnapped, robbed, and rescued by his century old uncle and a secret private militia? Surely he learned his lesson and packed his bags, right?

I THINK THE FUCK NOT

This man learned absolutely NADA lessons. He didn't just stay near Sodom, he went right back and fully upgraded his lease. He traded his tent for a house right in the middle of the city, got a wife, got his daughters engaged to some local Sodom guys, and started climbing the social ladder.

When we check back in on him a bit later, the Bible says he is literally sitting at the city gates. In the ancient world, that means he’s a city elder or a judge now. He is fully settled and living his best life, completely oblivious to the fact that Sky Daddy got somethin for that ass .. literally 😏.  But we will get back into his messy ass later. Right now, we have to look at the trainwreck happening with Abram.

Cut to Genesis 16. It has now been ten years since they moved to Canaan. Ten years of looking at the stars, ten years of waiting, and Sarai’s ovaries are looking like prunes. She looks at the situation, looks at her one foot in the grave, and decides to take matters into her own hands. She goes to Abram and says, "Look, Sky Daddy in on that stuff. Look at this roast beef coochie and these shrivelled eggs. What you’re gonna do is go do the fuck with my Egyptian maid, Hagar. Maybe we can start a family through her.

Now, remember Hagar? The Egyptian servant? Where do we think they got an Egyptian maid from? The Pharaoh bag.The literal receipts of Abram pimping his wife out in Part 1 have come back to haunt the entire household. And what does our grand patriarch, the man of God, say to his wife’s proposal to sleep with the help?

Does he say, "No darling, let’s trust the Lord"?

Does he say, "That’s morally questionable"?

Genesis 16:2 says: "Say no mo"

No hesitation. No prayer session. Just, "bet." He hopped right to it.

Surprise, surprise: Hagar gets pregnant almost immediately. Like, on the very first business day.

And the second Hagar realises she’s got a bun in the oven and the boss's wife doesn't, the entire vibe in the tents shifts. Hagar starts looking at Sarai with the most lethal, disrespectful side-eye in biblical history. She’s walking past Sarai like, "Oh, I’m sorry, did you need help carrying that? I wouldn't want you to strain yourself... since you’re carrying nothing."Pure, unadulterated petty behaviour.

Sarai is absolutely furious. She runs to Abram, fuming, and says, "This is all YOUR fault! I told you to do the fuck with my servant and you did . Now she’s pregnant and looks down on me. May the Lord judge between you and me!"

And Abram, maintaining his streak of being an absolute coward whenever women are arguing, completely washes his hands of it. He tells Sarai, "Look, this your mess . Do whatever you want with her."

So Sarai turns into the ultimate toxic boss. She treats Hagar so horribly, making her life an absolute living hell, that pregnant Hagar literally packs her bags and runs away into the scorching desert just to get away from her…….

A Divine Encounter in the Desert

Hagar is sitting by a spring in the wilderness, completely exhausted and stressed, when an angel of the Lord pulls up.The angel asks, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?"

She says, "I'm running away from my mistress."

The angel gives her some of the toughest advice in scripture. He tells her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to her." Ouch. But then he adds a massive blessing: "I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count."

He tells her she’s going to have a son and she must name him Ishmael (which means God hears). But then the angel adds a quick character description of the future baby: "He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone’s hand against him." A glowing review. Hagar is so blown away that God actually cared about a runaway slave that she gives God a new name: El Roi, which means "The God who sees me." She officially becomes the first person in the Bible to name God. Hagar goes back, swallows her pride, and gives birth to Ishmael. Abram is 86 years old. The tension in that tent is now officially toxic, and everyone is just waiting for the next disaster.

Let's Recap Part 3:

• Sky Daddy proved His point by making Abram watch a floating, smoking firepot split dead animals in the dark.

• We checked in on Parking Lot—he learned nothing, moved into Sodom, and got a government job at the gate, but we'll deal with him later.

• Sarai got tired of waiting and gave her husband a free pass with the maid they got from the Egypt hustle.

• Abram didn't even hesitate to say yes.

• Hagar got pregnant instantly and immediately started acting like the CFO of the household.

• Abram chose peace and let his wife bully a pregnant teenager.

• Hagar ran away, met an angel, got told her son was gonna act like a wild donkey, and became the first person to give God a nickname.

• (TO BE CONTINUED — Part 4: Sky Daddy changes their names, demands a very painful circumcision party, and then goes down to handle that Sodom situation once and for all.)

So Abram just pimped his wife out to Pharaoh, collected the bag, said absolutely nothing when he got caught, and God blessed him anyway! King behavior, apparently.

He leaves Egypt loaded. Livestock. Silver. Gold. Slaves. Just absolutely winning. Sarai is back. Everything is fine. Moving on.

Abram and his nephew Parking Lot (Lot for short) are traveling together at this point. Now here's the thing about Lot. This man also got rich somehow. Flocks. Herds. Servants just like his uncle. Two rich men travelling together with all their stuff and all their people, and that becomes a problem real quick.

Unlike Elon Musty, the Earth was just like, "nah you niggas got too much shit. Y'all are killing me." Too much livestock. Not enough land. Not enough water. The land literally cannot handle both of them existing in the same place at the same time. Then Genesis 13:7 says their herdsmen start beefing. Abram's herdsmen and Lot's herdsmen are out here getting into it over grazing land.

And at this point Abram is TIEEEED. He pulls Lot aside and says "Ion want no beef, we fam so let's just go our separate ways, and whichever way you go, I'll go the opposite."

Now this sounds more reasonable than the wife pimping right? Making peace and shit, giving his nephew first pick of the land.

PAUSE.

Lot looks up. Looks around. Sees the whole Jordan plain stretching out before him. Well watered. Green everywhere. Beautiful land. The best land in the whole region.

And Lot said…

Yeah, That's my shit right thurrr. He got all his shit and got to steppin east.

Didn't hesitate. Didn't say, "Uncle, you take the good land; you're old asf." Just pointed at the nicest real estate available and said that's mine, k bye.

His uncle gave him first pick out of kindness and this man took the entire Jordan valley.

Now here's the part the Bible sneaks in real casual like it's not important... Where did Lot's ass pitch his tent?...

NEAR SODOM...

You know Sodom. THE Sodom. The city that's about to become the most infamous city in the entire Bible. The city so wicked that its name became a word. And the Bible is not being subtle here, y'all. The King of Sodom’s name is literally Bera (which translates to "in evil") and the King of Gomorrah’s name is Birsha (which means "in wickedness").

Lot literally looked at a neighborhood run by King Evil and King Wickedness and said, "Looks like a great place to raise a family!"

The Bible told us what kind of neighbourhood Lot just moved into in the same breath. Like a Zillow listing that says "great location, close to amenities, residents are whores," but Lot saw the nice grass and didn't ask no questions.

In fact, he liked the view so much he didn't even stay in his tent outside the gates for long. He ended up moving his whole life inside the city walls. By the time the next chapter starts, this man has a whole lease uptown. He is fully living in Sodom. We will get there tho.

Meanwhile Sky Daddy comes back to Abram. AGAIN... First off where tf he been??? Anyway, he says basically that he gonna give him and his infertile wife's kids all the land from north to south to east and west forevaaaaaaa.

Sky Daddy keeps making this same promise to a man whose wife cannot have children and just keeps saying it with full confidence like it's already done. No details. No explanation. No timeline. Just "your kids are getting all of this."

Abram builds another altar. This is like his third altar. This man is out here building altars everywhere with his life alert.

Genesis 14 opens with four kings going to war against five kings. Just a whole entire king's situation happening in the region. We don't need to know all their names. Just know it's kings beefing with kings. The four kings win. They defeat the five kings (including King Evil and King Wickedness, who actually fell into some tar pits trying to run away—you cannot make this up).

The winners start taking people and goods from all the cities. Looting everything. Taking hostages, and whose ass gets caught up in all of this because he decided to move off the lawn and into downtown Sodom?

Yes, parking lot. Kidnapped and robbed his ass. The man who looked at the land next to the most wicked city in the Bible and said "yeah this looks good" just got kidnapped.

Somebody runs to Abram and tells him what happened.

Now what do you think Abram does? This is the same man who pimped his wife to Pharaoh without a fight and stood there silent when he got caught. What's he gonna do about his kidnapped nephew?

Tell me why this nigga called out the 318 trained men in his household and went to get his nephew.

WAIT...

318 TRAINED MEN?? From his own household???

This man has a private army of 318 soldiers living with him at all times and nobody mentioned this before now??? Abram been out here looking like a humble elderly shepherd and had a whole military operation at home the whole time.

He pursues the four kings who took Lot. Chases them all the way up north. Attacks at NIGHT. Divides his men into groups. Strategic warfare. He gets Lot back. Gets ALL the people back. Gets ALL the goods back. Came home with everything. Abram said, "You can take my wife, but don't you dare take my nephew!"

On the way back this happens..... Genesis 14:18: "Then Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. He was priest of God Most High."

Who tf is Melchizedek??!! Nobody introduces him. Nobody explains where he came from. He just APPEARS with bread and wine like a mysterious priest waiter. King of Salem. Priest of God. No parents mentioned. No backstory. No origin. Just here he is. The Bible never explains Melchizedek. He just shows up, blesses Abram, and leaves. Theologians have been arguing about who this man is for thousands of years. Some people think he was an actual king. Some think he was an angel. Some think he was Jesus himself doing a holy drive-by. Who knowws?. The Bible said🤷🏾 and kept it moving.

Abram gives Melchizedek a tenth of everything he recovered. No questions. THEN the king of Sodom shows up and says, "give me the people; keep the goods for yourself."

And Abram says something wild asf.

He says: I ain't takin shit from nobody but the Lordt, especially from your nasty ass cause ain't nobody about to say they made me rich."

This man refused all the loot. Everything he recovered from war. He said he didn't want anyone to be able to credit anyone but God for his wealth. The same man who collected bags from Pharaoh for pimping out his wife. NOW he has principles about money. 🙂‍↔️.

Niggga...

Now let's recap part 2:

Abram's nephew Lot took the nicest land available without hesitation then moved directly into downtown Sodom next door to King Evil to see sum strange.

Got kidnapped because of it

Abram revealed he has a 318-man private army he never mentioned

Rescued Lot with military precision

A mysterious priest/ king? appeared from nowhere with wine and bread and then dipped.

Abram refused war loot on principle but was fine collecting pimp money from Pharaoh

The Bible really said "here's a man who was silent when his wife got taken but pulled up with 318 niggas for his nephew." THE MISOGYNY!

(TO BE CONTINUED — Part 3: Sarai is DONE waiting for this damn baby. She tells Abram to go and do the fuck with her Egyptian servant Hagar. Abram, like "I thought you'd never ask" And everything that could go wrong goes wrong.)