well, it actually started with mia matthews. my mom had american idol playing on the tv one spring sunday eve. i hadn’t watched any of the previously aired episodes, nor had i seen any performances besides the one i providentially walked into. the performer (mia), in her sweet, sugar cane voice was singing “those memories” by our dolly (along with linda ronstadt and emmylou harris.)

immediately afterwards, i queued the song, put in my airpods, sat in the basement, and was star struck by the sound.

several months later, dolly’s melodies accompanied my safe space.

i found myself buried in a season of unforeseen isolation. i was far from home, family, friends — any source of familiarity navigating life beyond college in the central north carolina countryside. my health was struggling, my relationship on the rocks.

originally, my 40-50 minute commute to work was a burden, only adding to the exclusion i felt.

dolly made it a place of solace.

i’d listen to her soft southern twang in the morning’s quietest moments. i’d bend and twist through country backroads, watching the sun spill forth between the pines, illuminating the fog resting above the pastures and below the trees. she’d sing to me songs of the shores of heaven and the pangs of heartbreak. she’d whisper reminders of faith and beauty found in the humblest of beginnings.

it was that tender moment each morning, between the horrors of the night and the trials of the day, when i felt closest to heaven.

she’s a sparrow when she’s broken
but she’s an eagle when she flies

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my love for dolly parton doesn’t reach back into my younger years like many others. rather, it was a more recent discovery in the formation of my early womanhood. what dolly parton means to me, and to this world, lies the heart behind my whole presence here on this platform.

in the flood of tributes and epitaphs written by artists and creatives across the world in the wake of dolly’s passing, one thing i’ve always known to be true about her has been made clear (as a clear blue sky):

dolly parton was a little slice of heaven on earth.

or, one could argue, a big slice, given the impact she has had on generations now and then.

america’s sweetheart.

i’ve watched documentaries. i’ve seen posts and articles and books. there is none quite like her, and i’m sure there won’t be again.

she was beloved. described countlessly as kind, generous, humble, faithful, bigger-than-life, confident, witty, pure, genuine, loving, honorable… the list goes on. she personifies all the things we wish to be remembered for when we leave this earth.

behind all the blonde and rhinestones, she was “real where it counts.” people knew her to carry the childlike spirit she never left in her tennessee mountain beginnings. though she was far from being “vanilla” per se, her pureness of heart and hope for heaven embodies all that this substack stands for… pursuing what’s heavenly and wholesome in a world that quickly lets evil and darkness overrun the raw goodness we each desire.

dolly reminds us to remain true to ourselves, put others first, walk in confidence, honor one another, adopt humility, laugh it off, seek child-likeness, have empathy, and most of all: to share the good news of a Savior who brings peace, joy, and satisfaction here on earth, and tenfold in heaven beyond.

in the depths of my valleys, dolly reminded me to

“set my mind on things above, not on earthly things.” - colossians 3:2

we have hope in our sufferings because we know this is not the end. our story continues to be written beyond the grave, and there will be a day with no more sorrow and no more tears.

she covers a hymn she sings so sweetly:

there’s a land that is fairer than day
and by faith we can see it afar
for the Father waits over the way
to prepare us a dwelling place there
in the sweet by and by
we shall meet on that beautiful shore

see you on the shores, dolly.

rest in peace.

- vanilla girl.

(^the playlist that got me through those darker days🤍)

i believed, for a time, i would do anything to acquire this dream. that is what young love does to one’s heart, after all.

and so i did. i rebuilt my life near the eastern coast where anything and anyone familiar to me was but an echo in the after-cry of my pursuits.

in a series of events, unfortunate and otherwise, my dream fell through. though the statement is simple, the reality was anything but. it was not a dream, for a time, i ever wanted to let go. i’m not sure what one might expect to happen to you when a dream is abruptly removed from one’s tender grip besides suffocating under the inexplicable weight of heartbreak. and mine felt removed and replaced and removed again three times over.

however, long story short, i let it go. i had to. it stung for awhile… deep wounds don’t heal overnight. but in the midst of rediscovering myself without said dream, an explosion of new dreams erupted.

i suddenly found myself with no work contract, no lease, and no relationship tethering me to anything. i could go anywhere.

the world was quite literally my oyster.

of course, i was content to stay where i was should the right opportunity arise. however, a dream i had been putting on hold for the last seven years finally presented itself.

i’ve been given an opportunity to move to maui, hawaii. i’ll be doing a year-long internship serving in communications and media for a local church on the island. communications and media: dream come true. full time ministry: dream come true. hawaii resident!? dream come true!

i have a growing list in my notes app of colossal and minuscule dreams alike that i’ve been adding to almost weekly. funny how the absence of one dream gives birth to so many others.

however, my two years on the east coast chasing my gosh dang tail proved to be a couple of the hardest of my life. apprehension might be permissible in my scotch-taped heart and my indisposed body.

“what if’s”… the little joy gremlin thief. y’all know.

it’s easy to anticipate all that might go wrong.

but honey, what if it all goes right??

what if we expect the best outcome in every situation before we jump to the worst conclusions?

one could argue that is a formula for unmet expectations, but i’d rather wire my brain to consider the best before i fear the worst.

i had some of the sweetest moments of my life in the last two years as well. memories and people i will cherish forever. and the harder moments only refined me towards a resiliency to meet future challenges with the confidence that i know the One who gives me the strength to get through them.

whatever dreams i may possess, i pray they are God’s dreams for my life too. it broke me to realize my dream three years ago wasn’t quite what God had for me. but i know He has more in store. and i regret no ounce of that pursuit to follow that dream when i had it.

listen. i really believe this: i could die tomorrow not having crossed off any of those life dream bullet points in my notes app and be content. my life has been full and blessed and God has given me far more than i deserve.

life with Him is the greatest dream come true. and i can’t even imagine what life will be like with Him after.

and the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. -isaiah 35:10

chase your dreams. know the Lord has every one of them in His hands.

i keep praying: Lord, i surrender all my dreams and fears to you.

He promises an abundant life. (john 10:10).

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all my love,

vanilla girl

aka: my flip phone.

i’m here to offer my ultimate recap of the experience. it’s been in my possession since thanksgiving of last year, and it isn’t going anywhere soon. being over half a year in, i feel i have a full overview to enlighten those who may be curious about the swap.

*ring ring*

hold up, i’m getting a call.

“hello?”

it’s vanilla girl. “hang on, v, let me put you on speaker.”

motivation for the swap:

“okay, heyyy. for those of you who haven’t followed along in my previous articles, i wanted to share with you my motivation for the switch from a smartphone to a dumb phone. this is always the first question people ask me when they see it. most of the time, my response is simple:

i was sick of wasting my life away on my iphone.

even if i got rid of social media on my iphone, my addictive subconscious would find some way to spend inane time glued to the screen every spare moment i had. maybe one could argue i don’t have enough self-control, but i wanted to rid of the temptation altogether. it helps that i don’t need it for work for the time being either.

honestly, so many people talk about being addicted to their screens, but few people do anything about it. ergo, the problem.

the swap:

in a sequence of events to prep for my flip phone, i did the following:

i bought an ipad off facebook marketplace because i knew i’d still want an apple device for facetiming, venmo, mobile banking, etc. it doesn’t have data, wi-fi only. i’m still connected in a sense, i’m just no longer carrying the world in my pocket.

i completely deleted my instagram and tik tok account. instagram was a big one for me. i have zero regrets. i still use facebook here and there on my ipad…for the moms.

i bought a little notepad to carry with me for reminders and grocery lists, i got a calendar to hang on my wall, and i made sure i had an old film camera that was up and running.

when the day finally came, i simply walked into t-mobile, transferred my brother’s broken iphone data to mine so he could have it, kept my same number on the flip phone, and stayed on our family plan for whatever that’s worth.

what happened right away:

it took some serious adjusting even within the first couple hours. texting is 10x harder. no more imessage. no voice memos. i also struggled to get group chats to work right away and sometimes texts wouldn’t come through at all… but that fixed itself eventually as i shut down imessages on my ipad.

it was hard not to immediately feel irrelevant to the world. i no longer had instagram, it was difficult for me to stay connected to friends i have all over the country when group chats were faulty, few people my age make phone calls these days, and texting became a whole chore. no more endless notifications greeting me with every tap of my screen. no one is tracking my location.

it felt so quiet so fast. it was unsettling at first. but my body’s response to it was actually wild.

i was actually floored when, as soon as i got rid of my iphone, i started getting the best sleep of my life. 9+ hours of baby slumber every night for several weeks. last year, i could tell my iphone was starting to affect not only my mental health, but my physical health, too. my sleep wasn’t great, and even looking at the iphone’s small, heavily pixelated screen (3 million, to my flip phone’s 200,000) made me often feel dizzy or off-balanced.

though this trend hasn’t always continued — other factors play into one’s lack of sleep — for awhile, i felt like my nervous system actually has had a chance to breathe. (this hasn’t been a cure all, but there was a noticeable shift at first.)

despite some hurdles, things went up from there.

odds + ends of owning a flip phone:

qr codes:

the death of me. gym scanner. safety waiver. student checkout. dinner menu. website link. register here. parking payment. sports ticket. concert ticket. AIRPLANE ticket.

our world runs on fricken qr codes now. luckily, i have still found a way around all of them! punch in my phone number at the gym. print out my concert and airplane tickets. call the number to pay for parking. or usually i just have a friend present with an iphone to help me out. :P

maps:

i’ve mentioned this one a lot before, but this is another tricky trial to navigate. usually, i just know my way around the town i live in. i even have the route to my friends’ house almost two hours north memorized. occasionally, i’ll look up a route on my ipad and memorize it before i leave the house to check the fastest way to someplace new. the flip phone does have google maps, and though it’s majorly inconvenient, it’s useful at times.

let me just tell ya though: it’s incredible when you’re forced to use your brain, people. maps or not, the smartphone does so much of the thinking for us. i have loved being able to do some things the hard way and reclaim the ability to think for myself.

people’s reactions:

priceless. every time. the gasps. the “no way”s. the offers to marry me from drunk flirts at the honky tonk. (those cowboys nicknamed me “flip phone.”) teenagers think i’ve lost my mind. young adults commend it. elders also think i’m crazy. i would say 3/4s of people say “oh i’ve been thinking about doing that.” usually followed by: “if only i didn’t have to use…”

all talk. i’ll believe it when i see it. don’t think, just do. let me be proof that it’s possible. ;)

calling:

i make lots of calls now! and it’s honestly great. it’s not as difficult as we sometimes make it out to be. the more you do it, the easier it gets. i’ll call friends for short questions during the day, or spend 50 minutes catching up with family or college pals on drives or before bed — which is overall a better way to spend my spare moments instead of doomscrolling.

music:

i’m obnoxious and download my favorite spotify playlists on my ipad and will sometimes connect it to the car because ain’t no way i was giving up premium. but the radio can be fun too, i’ve won rodeo tickets off the local country station. :)

“analog” things i do now that i don’t have an iphone:

write my schedule on a physical wall calendar. print out my boarding pass at the airport. jot down notes and grocery lists in a pocket notebook. read before bed. bring a book with me everywhere and read when i’m waiting. or sit and ponder. write reminders on my hand in ink. sketch. listen to the radio. talk with strangers.

it’s really just a return to being a kid again.

THE TAKEAWAY:

truly, having a flip phone has made me feel like i’ve reclaimed my life, my mind, and my confidence.

here’s why:

i’ve reclaimed my life because now my life is just my own. i’m no longer living twelve hundred other lives before nine in the morning!! i’m no longer spending my life watching everyone else’s, rather, i’m participating in my own. i can’t see karen’s sunday afternoon reset, morning routine, and unwarranted parenting advice. nor can i see johnny's hiking trip, 5am pre-work pump, or inhuman meal prep strategy. not that these are inherently bad things, but now all i see is the ceiling when i wake up. the book i’m holding in my hands. the breakfast i’m prepping that i’ll enjoy in the backyard as i welcome the morning sun.

i’ve reclaimed my mind because it’s relearning how to think for itself and work on its own. it’s free to wander and imagine and interpret and notice, which i just have to believe is harder to do with an iphone at your hip. it’s not as scary as we fear. it’s more freeing and enlightening than anything. not that my mind never races. sometimes i start playing chess on my flip phone to get my impending thoughts to chill out. it works though because it’s less of a brainless distraction, and more of a tool that refocuses my attention.

i’ve reclaimed my confidence because i’m no longer comparing my looks and my life and my status to thousands of people i know nothing about. all i see are the people in front of me — my community at church, my friends in bible study, my kids at work. doesn’t mean comparison is nonexistent, but it decreases the playing field for that temptation significantly. plus, i feel more confident in my ability to just do some things the more inconvenient way (which really aren’t that inconvenient at all.) like memorizing my way around town, having more capacity to remember things like birthdays or prayer requests, and asking for help when i don’t have an iphone to solve my problems for me.

the benefits of this swap have far outweighed the inconveniences for me.

yes, sometimes i would looove to send a funny gif to the group chat, facetime my roommate at the store, or film a video of fireworks and festivals.

but i’m more present than i’ve ever been.

i don’t think i even realize how refreshing it is.

it’s not that it’s new to me — it’s just a return to the life i knew fourteen years before owning the world’s most influential invention. for better and for worse.

i’m really waiting for others to hop on this bandwagon with me… let me be proof that it’s possible! i understand that several people need an iphone for their careers. i also understand that this decision isn’t going to magically reverse the direction and trends and patterns our world continues to march in. but if anyone is feeling a tug to make the swap, pull the trigger. at least delete the dang social media.

i don’t think you’ll regret it.

talk to you later!

<3 vanilla girl”

*snaps phone shut*

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under seas
by tori bohney

under sea, 
breathless,
pressure pushing
on every side
yet, to the surface,
i rise,
weightless,
disoriented.
it’s dark. flickers
of luminescence disturbing
the void. the abyss.
i still can’t breathe
underwater.
heavy, yet weightless.
gravity’s fool.

not my body.
not my home.
not in my control.

where’s my oxygen tank?
my raft of rescue?
“help!”
silent.
save for the dancing 
bubbles released
from my breath.
can’t breathe.
my head swims. 
i spin. 

i hear footsteps.
footsteps?
on the surface
of the sea. 
there’s hardly a ripple.
water’s stilled
above me. 
pierced feet.
then a hand —
a pierced hand —
extending it’s way
towards me
closing the aquatic space
between.
i can’t breathe.
the hand finds me
before i even have to reach.
it embraces me
pulling me towards
the fractal image of the
sky beyond the sea.
i feel heavy.
can’t breathe.
yet light,
weightless.

then i emerge. 
i choke and gasp
as my heart clamors
relentlessly inside.
i can’t see.
sunlight beaming.
but i can breathe.
i rise
like a rose.
i can breathe.
i’m being held.
i’m safe.

am i safe?

i see the sea
beneath me.
i’m standing
above it.
what lies just below?
the breathless
helplessness
that just beheld me,
suffocated me.

am i sinking?

i can’t go back.
i can’t breathe. 
but… 
i can breathe.
a finger tilts my chin
towards the sky.
i can’t see
what’s below
any longer.

i am safe.
i am held.

i’m not sinking.

i hear the crow of the gulls
and feel the gentle whisper
of the wind on my nose.
i am safe.
i am held.
we don’t walk back to shore,
but further towards the horizon
above the deep blue sea.
i trust the One who
rescues me.

i am home.

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unedited. unfiltered. just words that transfigured on a page from the ink of my pen.

abrupt thoughts that simply staccato like an arrhythmia. nothing elaborate or ornate. just a funnel of words that redirected my shaken body to peace. i’m not even sure what one would call the storm i was treading during the genesis of this poem… but words have always been a source of rescue for me — the written word. the Word of God. verbal speech fueled by love, comfort, solace, empathy.

pen and paper, the act of creation, the art of imagination, and presence of the Holy Spirit all seemed to center me, returning my loss of control back to a steady sense of self, and a peace that transcends understanding.

a peace that seems impossible to grasp at times, if i’m being honest. when the world feels like i’m stuck in space, my brain floating, my eyes crossed, my heart racing, my blood burning, feeling unstable, off-balanced, breathless — a feeling i can only describe as pulsing toxicity — it is hard to find the peace.

i went a week without showering; walking was a challenge, standing was a challenge, driving didn’t feel safe, focusing on something in front of me felt impossible.

and nobody knows what’s wrong.

in the most unpoetic way, it makes me feel crazy. nobody can see it. everyone has guesses.

every breath becomes a desperate plea for the Lord’s presence and His strength to see me through the day.

He’s never forsaken me.

i’ve never been alone.

in the worst of my drownings, God’s timing has never left me alone. total strangers have been there to sit with me, pray with me, comfort me. dearest friends picked up the phone and came to my rescue. when no one is around, i’ve received texts of thoughts and prayers right after my scariest minutes alone. families have taken me under their wings.

Jesus is always with me, and pockets of joy are scattered endlessly throughout the shadows of these ebony valleys.

i still get panicked. i still feel woozy. i still doubt God’s ability to not only heal me but to grant me the peace my body longs for, or the nearness my spirit feels parched of.

but He still carries me and guides me through dark ocean nights and bright salty days.

the presence of suffering doesn’t equal the absence of faith.

that’s what strengthens us, after all.

🤍vanilla girl

i just hit a quarter of a century, baby, and it was my first birthday being single in five years.

with that criteria in mind — saturday, single, and 1/4 of a century (slay) — i was ready to make this birthday a big one.

by God’s grace, i have the sweetest community of friends who understood the grandeur of this milestone and were willing to help me pump up the party.

like a twenty-five-going-on-five-year-old, we made an official birthday party invite to my super awesome, totally tubular, hot-doggin’ good time POOL party, SPORTS competition, and GRILL OUT all wrapped into one. the invites were sent and the people were coming. it was going to be epic.

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however, there were some hiccups.

hiccup #1: the pool doesn’t open until may 9th. bummer, but at least i don’t have to worry about changing and looking like a wet rat for all the night’s festivities.

hiccup #2: 100% chance of rain. all. day. not ideal for my outdoor grilling and volleyball birthday bash. i saw this one coming a month away… clear, blue, 90 degree skies all april and the subsequent week, but not the 2nd. just 50 degree downpour. i wasn’t really feeling a get-dressed-up and go to dinner kind of night, so we would have to find a different way to pivot.

hiccup #3: received news the day before my birthday that i most likely have a crack in a not-so-good spot in the engine of my used Ford i just bought in november. i was told if i keep driving it, i could end up damaging the whole transmission. never news you want to hear at any time, but especially not on the eve of my quarter century extravaganza.

after getting the unofficial car diagnosis, i drove it straight to the gym to put the news out of my mind until a solution could be made (preferably after the next 48 hours).

and there, standing next to the cable machine, bobbing my head up and down to probably rihanna, i decided in my heart, mind, and soul that i wasn’t going to let anything steal the joy and excitement from my celebratory weekend.

and i didn’t.

in that moment, i started grinning and grooving like a kid on christmas, grateful to be alive, to be able to move my body, and to enjoy the waters that are quenching our parched north carolinian fields.

a generous friend of mine took a look at my car for the weekend, and i got to drive around my dream truck for a couple days.

all my best friends showed up to the field in the mud and rain, slipping and sliding around playing ultimate frisbee, and dirtying the dogs in several rounds of sand volleyball. the rain slowed, and we grilled burgers and hot dogs at a house nearby, enjoying more games and fellowship sheltered from the drizzle.

we just did what we literally do every saturday, and it was so filled with joy. it was the perfect day to simply feel like a kid again.

i kept thinking to myself: why not make that choice for myself everyday? to choose joy and to treat each day like a day worth celebrating?? DESPITE my circumstances.

i let my circumstances steal so much of myself from 23 to 24. i let my letdowns override my joy. there is a time for grief — it still slips into my heart when i remember one i’m no longer sharing my celebrations with.

but i can make a choice not to let it keep me from delighting in the undeserving gifts of life i’ve been given. life is too beautiful and God is too good not to rejoice. that’s what i want to carry with me into 25.

my word for this calendar year was actually joy. and sitting around the living room, eating delicious lemon cake, my friends time and again noted the very presence of that word they see in my heart.

i am forever grateful for the God who put it there.

you make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. - psalm 16:11

i know what you’re thinking: it’s the fully developed frontal lobe of my brain sharing all this priceless wisdom with you. you are welcome. you can leave $5 on the way out. put it on a plaque while you’re at it. “CHOOSE JOY”… very original.

but do it. for real. love and celebrate people and life cuz it’s short, y’all. i know because i’m starting to get old. ;)

I LOVE YOU!!

vanilla girl

welcome to the rambling diary of a heartbroken diva. it’s kind of all over. there’s no real direction to it, i just like the title i came up with. let’s hop to it.

first of all, i don’t think i’m actually a diva, i just got a little cocky. i’m about to be 25, i’m happily unmarried, i have two degrees, and i hang out with a pooping two-year-old for a living! yay! this is for context. (i refuse to play the “i-am-behind-in-life” game because nah, i’m right where God has me… right?)

it’s been over a month since my last post. i currently have three unfinished drafts of ready-to-go (ish) essays sitting on the vanilla girl bench, waiting to be put in the game, but there they shall sit until i call the play.

i wanted to review the few excuses for my mini sabbatical:

1. life…duh

2. feeling like substack is just more social media…yuck

3. a substack post i recently read…yikes

let me explain.

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1. life…

my classic, unoriginal excuse for being away for a moment. fortunately, life hasn’t kept me from writing. however, a tug at my heart when i write has simply kept me from posting. i’ll start writing something that feels forced, not how i truly feel in the moment, so i hesitate. then, on the other end, i attempt to write what i feel, and upon reading find anger, bitterness and pride fused within my words. (diva.)

to be transparent, this has felt like a bitter month. but i’m not sure how much of the source of my indignation should be revealed online.

i want to be real, but also sensitive towards certain readers.

overall, i could just request some prayer.

a couple weeks ago, i received the heartbreaking news of pastoral hypocrisy in my church, along with the finality of painful door shut on what’s really been the last five years of my life marked with a heart given away to a heart incapable of reciprocity.

in other words: my heart feels let down by men who should’ve been representing Christ’s love most in my life. but that’s not how the story went.

i’ll spare the details because honestly, they’re not that important.

AND HONESTLY: it’s okay. truly.

i am allowing my heart space to grieve and to heal. it hurts, but i know making room to feel the pain then give it to the Lord will help me move forward. (matthew 11:28-30!!)

the church is going to be okay. my heart is going to be okay.

God is still good. a thousand times over.

i am beyond grateful for His sovereign grace, and for His loving hand over my life. i’m grateful He loves us enough to remove things from our lives that aren’t meant to be there, and to protect us from things that were hurting us to continue to do so. His “no” in something i was hoping for is His most loving answer for my life. the ache in the aftermath i’m currently enduring really just makes me love Him more.

because i have hope in Him, and not in man.

when praying about a big decision i was trying to make, a sweet friend of mine asked me this:

“which decision leads you closer to Jesus?”

right away in my heart, the answer was obvious.

she was prompting me to seek first God’s kingdom. so i sought a loving Father who i know will not forsake me, who is unchanging, and who’s Word is always true. i want to always desire His will for my life over mine. her question might be some of the best advice i’ve ever received.

2. is substack social media?

woah, hello from left field. this remark is a little irrelevant to my subs on here that just sign up for the email instead of having the app. however, here’s my recent take on the app, and growing as a brand on substack.

i recently had a note go a little “viral” on here (not quite viral, per se, but it’s received more likes than anything i’ve ever posted anywhere before.) and of course, it’s something you secretly hope for with every note you post on this platform. then it happens, it brings in some traffic and new subscribers, but it never scratches the itch. the notifications just feel overwhelming at times, and i personally feel more confused than affirmed in my efforts on here.

substack will tell you a lot about living offline, activities to do instead of doomscrolling, prompting you to delete instagram and find a hobby. all of which i’ve done, and all of which i contribute to the same chitter chatter (see evidence above.)

but then i’m on substack, and i’m scrolling. and my brain is bombarded by endless voices from unasked-for opinions, and i’m left once again feeling like there’s something i’m missing out on. i start questioning if what i have to say is really worth listening to, or if posting a note is just adding to the noise. and i know i’m compromising my creativity in order to fish for more traffic…in the name of “clout.”

i think since getting the flip phone and deleting instagram and since reading the post i’m about to share momentarily, i just feel very sensitive to what i’m allowing take my time and attention.

maybe i’m overthinking it. i still love this community. i just don’t want to always be living in someone else’s world — i want to be careful to be present in my own.

3. this post:

Lilly’s Letters

I stopped using Substack for a month, and now I’m stopping for good

I don’t want this to come across as some self important and serious post, because it’s not…

Read more

10 months ago · 1128 likes · 57 comments · Lilly Drury

which leads me to this.

don’t worry, i’m not trying to delete substack just yet. but this article pushed some serious buttons that really got me praying about what my motivation is for being here. it’s worth the read. it has over a thousand likes for a reason.

ultimately, the author of the essay claims that substack is really another form of social media — though many people on here would like to say it’s not — and that when we’re on social media, we’re spending our lives in “The Other World,” not “The Real World.”

she explains The Other World like this:

The Other World is not a world that I live in. It is a world where the social lives of Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk ruin someone’s weekend and determine levels of happiness. It’s a world were no one is reading and everyone is using AI. In The Other World, people hate their neighbors, there is no hope for anyone under the age of 35, everyone hates their job, no one is happy, political beliefs are less beliefs and more of a moral code, people don’t work hard, and life as we know it is over. Children are doomed to their screens, parents are worthless, America is failing, and the only sane thing to do is to talk circles around it all. Inhabitants of The Other World post first and think later, and they are so, so angry. They feel contempt strongly and are victims always. Victims of what? Any and everything.

and The Real World like this:

In reality, I dropped off cookies at my neighbors last night as a thank you for helping me carry my new bedside tables inside. In reality, I stopped at the park while on my walk to throw a touchdown to the group of little kids playing in a pick up game. I played cards at the bar with my friends and we got so many people asking to join we took over the whole back patio. I cried in a little venue with 100 other people during a concert two weeks ago and it felt really magical. Somebody dropped their coffee in a cafe yesterday, and me and five other people jumped up to help them. Strangers are actually wonderful people if you talk to them. Small talk isn’t annoying, it’s planting the seeds of community, and I’ll let you in on a little secret— if you can stop thinking about yourself for 10 minutes and become curious about others, it is unbelievably fulfilling to talk to people. Life is full of so much love. There is happiness and joy and passion and there is also sadness, but real sadness is never one dimensional. It’s never pure evil and annihilation. There is always a way out or something to be gained within it. In The Other World, there is no way out of their despair. It’s turtles all the way down.

to be honest, i like how substack captures that love of life in the creative power of the written word. i just get stuck feeling like i’ve already wasted so much of my life in The Other World, i don’t want to continue on that path. and i don’t want to feel like another voice screaming into the crowd. i just want to point readers to the only Voice worth listening to. (God’s. hi, welcome to my christian blog.)

substack is not all bad. but more often than not, it can still be too much.

i know i can put boundaries on substack to make sure i’m spending the majority of my time in the Real World. i’m still figuring out what that looks like.

i think i simply want to frame my time asking myself if i’m spending it in The Other World or The Real World…

watching march madness basketball games with pizza and friends? Real World. bingeing shows while i eat, before i sleep, when i apply makeup, and any time i need a distraction? Other World. reading a book? contrary to belief: Real World — physical, ad-free, imagination fuel right in front of you. scrolling through substack notes and pinterest boards? sadly, Other World.

i do have a draft of a poem on this topic i think will be taken off the bench soon. stay tuned.

overall, i’ve come to this conclusion: i don’t think i want to be here on substack to reach the World. to draw the crowds. to build my brand. or to be another number within that World.

i’m just here to reach the one. to encourage a sister or a brother. and to share about the One who changed everything for me. i’m praying my words will open up a door on any reader’s life who’s never experienced Christ’s life-changing love. i pray that it might change everything for them, too.

that, to me, is (or at least, should be) the whole point.

so there’s my mini diary entry.

i’m grateful you’re here to read my prayerful words. i have more ideas that i still feel called to share. it feels good to create! and to reflect on Christ’s work in my life! let’s support one another’s art, but then go make our own.

here’s to less consuming, more creating, and allowing our soul moments to grieve, laugh, heal, love, and be.

don’t be a bitter diva like i’ve been. life isn’t all about us. get back up, and get back out there. with the Lord by your side, joy triumphs the wounds of trials, and life becomes the most beautiful thing.

friend, you are so so loved. keep sharing it with those around you.

<3 vanilla girl

let me know if you need any prayer or have questions about Jesus. thank you for being here. i want to be here for you too!

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actually, we’ve known each other since i was six, maybe seven. i remember we were sitting on the carpet in my little pink bedroom. he told me he wanted to be my Forever. i said yes. and he’s been loving me ever since.

well, he says he’s always loved me. but i haven’t always loved him. i’ve been angry at him. i’ve doubted him. i’ve told him i didn’t want him. i’ve even walked away from him.

but he always waited for me. he promised he would never leave my side. he still held my hand and carried me through my darkest moments. he was a gallant protector. he kept me from dangers i never even had to see. the dangers i did face… that’s when he went to war for me. especially when i didn’t have the strength to stand. he made me feel safe.

he told me he loved me every single day. he even expressed it in a book — he wrote a true story of an unfathomable love mightier than death itself. every bit of it is remarkable to me.

but sometimes i kept the book tucked away under my bed. i hid it and let it collect the neglected dust of a forgotten tale. i wouldn’t pull it out because i would find myself trapped between an intricate tug of either feeling too good for the book, or not good enough.

however, this love of mine… he never got mad. he only kept waiting. he only kept searching for me when i would try to hide.

he always told me i was beautiful. he said he loved my heart and my laugh and the curve of my nose. almost every time he told me, i didn’t believe him. i thought he was lying. i’d cry, “i don’t feel beautiful!” i could see the hurt in his face whenever i’d say that. but he would just gently whisper to me that i was, and wiped my tears.

there were moments where i was doing things i knew deep down was wrong. i knew it would hurt him. instead of leaving me and telling me to grow up, he stirred in my heart a better way forward. he showed me how to walk away from those things. i’m so glad he didn’t leave me drowning in the mess i had made. he makes me better.

when i was 6, i asked him to be mine. he said he always has been.

when i was 13, i told him i wanted to get to know him better. he was more than happy to open up.

when i was 17, i told him i wanted nothing to do with him for awhile. he said he’d keep on waiting.

when i was 20, i was just…confused. he helped make things clear.

when i was 22, i told him i didn’t like myself. i told him i didn’t like how i looked. i didn’t like what made me, me. he showed me everything he loves about me.

when i was 24, i asked him for a really big gift. something i was really excited for. he said no. i was mad at him. i was hurt. but he picked me back up and loved me all the way through it.

the other week i asked him to love me again. i knew he always has. but i wanted to feel it the way i used to. i was letting other things fill the void for far too long.

and guess what? he opened the floodgates.

he said nothing could ever separate his love from me. he said he would never leave me or forsake me. he said he would sacrifice his most precious gift just for me.

i knew he meant it. and i believed it for myself.

he restored joy to my heart. he brought laughter into my life again — the kind that makes your tummy ache and brings tears to your eyes, then starts all over again when you remember it the following day. he gave me friends who love him too. and because they’ve experienced a love from him like i have, they know just how to pick me up when i’m down. they make me feel like i belong.

i’m glad i chose my Love to be my Forever. more than that, i’m glad he chose me. he brings me flowers when i’m blue. he gives me sunlight when i feel stuck in the shadows.

he knows we belong together. i know it, too. because nothing else in this world makes me feel the way he does.

trust me, i’ve tried to look.

i’ve thought: maybe if i went a little blonder and got rid of the acne, i would feel more beautiful and seen. or maybe if i found love and comfort in another man, i would start to feel whole. maybe if i cropped my shirt and held a drink, i would feel like i fit in. maybe if i had some success to my name, i would feel important. maybe if i had this or did that or lived there, i wouldn’t feel so afraid.

BUT GOD.

God, who said He wants to be my Forever.

God, who through His Holy Spirit, showed me i am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:14). God, who sent a perfect man to die for me and show me a love greater than anything i could find on earth (john 15:13). God, who adopted me into His family and His kingdom and gave me a place to belong forever, just as i am (1 john 3:1). God, who said i’m more valuable than the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. He’s counted the stars and knows them by name, and he loves and knows me (matthew 10:31, psalm 147:4). God, who promised to give me a peace that surpasses all understanding if only i would rest in His arms (philippians 4:7).

this Love of mine… He wants to be yours, too. He told me. He wrote it in His book.

you know how when you’re searching for seashells on sandy shores, you don’t often want to pick up and take home the broken ones? only the ones that are still whole and put together? i think sometimes we can feel like the broken seashells. we’ve been tossed by the unforgiving tides of the ocean, but finally, we’ve been given a moment to lay out in warmth of the sun and bask in the open. we’re waiting on shore to be picked up and admired and loved. but we think that because of our broken pieces and missing parts of ourselves, no one will want us. they will pass us by so we might be cast back out to sea.

but someone still wants you. God will come and pick you up. He will see you for the treasure you are, and He will put you back together, if only you let Him. it takes surrender. it takes obedience. but He wants to bring you home.

He wants to be yours forever.

since the beginning of genesis, when God created man, He calls himself LORD God. LORD, in scripture, means YHWH, or Yahweh. it’s the personal name of God. He wants to know us personally. He wants to be in relationship with us. He’s inviting us back to the closeness we had with Him in the garden.

take it from the broken seashell i am: He is worth your every yes.

i’m in love. and y’all should know it.

also, a note from me to you:

forever His,

vanilla girl.

thank you for reading and supporting vanilla girl! if you need any prayer for any reason, please reach out. i want to support you, too. <3

three months in now and here’s how i’m feeling!!

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the challenges:

i surpassed a tiny urge to go back.

hi again. i’m tori, i’m 24, and i got a flip phone around thanksgiving time last year. though very excited, it was a major adjustment at first. by the time christmas was coming around, i wasn’t sure i could keep going with the few (but significant) inconveniences the flip phone brought up. apple maps being a major one. group messaging, and messaging in general being another.

for example, i got stuck on the side of the road for the second time in 2025 right as i was about to fly home for the holidays. with the flip phone, it was majorly difficult to look up tow truck numbers, mechanics nearby, and i couldn’t send a pinned location to the girl who eventually came to rescue me. thank the Lord for my parents who stayed on the phone with me and sent me numbers and addresses. and i was able to confidently direct my rescuer to my location. so the Lord provides. but y’all, i don’t know how they did it back in the day! that was stressful.

i thought briefly about going back to my iphone sooner than i anticipated, but i stuck it out, and i’m pretty used to the flip phone now. i love it, actually. and i’m faithful the Lord will continue to take care of those little inconvenient needs when they arise.

sometimes, yes, sometimes, i miss instagram.

occasionally i just wish i could look up accounts i used to be “invested” in, or take a peek at the online presence of that crazy girl from that crazy reality tv show. just out of curiosity.

sometimes i’m bummed about losing the curated snapshot into my life or the collection of old “friends” i had on there.

but really, i don’t miss it all that much. it wasted so much of my time, and it sabotages mental health.

fomo sometimes, tbh.

i really thought having a flip phone would feel like this:

instead it often feels like this:

but then i feel like this when i realize i’m happily out of the loop:

and really, that’s about it.

• sometimes, people ask for a link to something and i have to be weird and ask for their email. :P

• my head hurts a lot easier whenever i watch a movie or look at screens for too long.

• trying and failing to use a touch screen now actually turns me into the incredible hulk. also, i get so lost when i see someone’s iphone with the new update.

• teenagers roll their eyes at me alll the time. then, out of curiosity, they look at their 19-hour-a-day screen time, and i’m like HELLO THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!!

• and i miss taking photos of some stuff, but when i had an iphone, i took way too many pointless pictures that just cluttered my phone. i do miss videoing a few things. but overall, it’s not bad. everyone around me has a phone to take photos if i want, and i’ll probably get a digital camera soon. otherwise, i’m just soaking in the moment!

the benefits!!

sometimes, it feels like my life isn’t all that different — i think i was decent about keeping a lower screen time when i had my iphone, but when i start to really reflect on it, there have been some significant upsides.

i’m more content.**

this isn’t perfect, but i’ve been intentional about praying for the Lord to give me contentment in this season, and He is delivering. i don’t feel like i always need to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, wishing my life away everyday. that stuff is poisonnn. i had a week where i really was thinking “the grass is greener” somewhere else, but this past week, my heart has been bursting with gratitude for where God has me, the friends He’s given me, the house He’s provided me, and the health He has blessed me with.

i’m less concerned about what my body looks like, and am more just grateful for it’s ability to dance in the kitchen… if you know what i mean.

** but okay, even without an iphone, i can still get insecure, develop idols and feel distracted. i wrote about it a little on my notes here:

i think of others more.

not to say this in a boastful way, but i think my head is just clearer?? this is something i’ve started to notice. i think i’m better at remembering things my friends are going through, or people i’ve just met who opened up about something. i’m more perceptive of wanting to serve them and reach out to them or even take the time to send a handwritten note! texting can be hard, so mainly i’ll remember it in prayer.

it’s been sweet to see because it really harbors more joy in my heart and makes my days feel more fulfilling and less purposeless. i think we are sucked into our own problems and distractions way too much on our devices.

better memory.

this piggy backs off the prior a bit. without having apple maps or a super reliable gps at the moment, i really have to make my brain work to get to places i need to go. i’m often impressed with how much it can retain. usually, i know my way around where i live, but sometimes i’ll have to look up a location on maps on my ipad before i leave and memorize the route. i have yet to get lost, knock on wood!

new friends have recently told me when their birthday is, and if i didn’t write it down right away, i made an effort to remember. and now they’re glued in my brainnn, like what! never had that before.

sometimes i’ll write reminders on my hands, but i try my best to just let the ol’ noggin do it’s job. (however, i have flowers sitting on my desk that were meant to go to a mom who recently received some tough news. i’ve had probably four opportunities to bring them to her and i keep forgetting… i’m just a girl.)

i have “more time.” i actually get bored now.**

i’ve started writing letters. i made a garland with ribbon and twine to hang above my bed. i’m reading leo tolstoy’s anna karenina, with ambitions to tackle war and peace next. i call my parents. i stretch and jump and dance and walk and i’m trying to learn a handstand. i look out the window. i pray. i youtube line dancing tutorials.

and then, when i get extra bored, i’ll turn on a netflix show. but sometimes that bores me now too, i’m picky lol. (but, man oh man, is it fun to make pancakes and grits and watch silly, stoopid shows with my roommate all night!!)

**snow days + no husband or kids + plus a part time job contributes to all of this extra time, obviously. but at least i’m not bed rotting and doom scrolling anymore with all my spare moments.

MY SLEEP!!!

y’all. 9+ hours every night. no interruptions. deep, solid sleep this entire month. i think i’ve found the golden ticket. previously, when i got woken up at night i could not fall back asleep. now, my teacher roommate will be up before the birds. i might hear her for a moment, then boom: right back to sleep.

this could be thanks to the flip phone, or it could be thanks to my nervous system just finally being in a proper state of rest. i’d like to believe it’s a little bit of both.

all in all

hey. if you want to get a flip phone too, DO IT. i’ll call you. you can come over. i have cards and puzzles and tea and some extra cash i’m not spending online to use for some unplugged adventures.

beyond just the flip phone, i believe God is honoring my commitment to Him.

my nervous system feels like it can finally breathe.

i’ve been laughing harder this month than i have all last year.

my prayer life feels rich for the first time in ages.

i’m living in a Christ-centered community with raw, deep relationships that are changing my life.

i’m actually putting God FIRST in all things and it has been abundantly joy-filled.

i’m turning to Him before i tap the nearest distraction, and it’s truly been healing.

a life spent chronically online is a thief of joy and cause for destruction.

a life choosing to live in the presence of Jesus is life to the full.

flip phone or not, i pray i always choose the latter.

your girl on the outside,

vanilla girl

thank you for reading and supporting vanilla girl! if you need any prayer for any reason, please reach out. i want to support you, too. <3

i doubt my own abilities to convey the tender genius of louisa may alcott’s work, but i wanted to share the rich encouragement it has offered me.

if you have not read the book or know the story, fret not — there’s still something in here for you. i only want to provide a glimpse into a dense literature work i love, and pull from the applicable precepts it teaches.

i’ll make it snappy.

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applicable wholesome themes from louisa may alcott’s little women:

1. humble service triumphs over haughty greed.

2. people are splendid creations built for love and light.

3. the Lord is a loving Father. and our ever-present comfort in times of hurt.

humble service triumphs over haughty greed

time and again, this novel displays the importance of putting ones needs before your own. even in a home plagued by poverty, we see it’s better to give than to receive.

“don’t you feel that it is pleasanter to help one another, to have daily duties which make leisure sweet when it comes, and to bear and forbear, that home may be comfortable and lovely to us all?”

“we do, mother, we do!” cried the girls.

“then let me advise you to take up your little burdens again, for though they seem heavy sometimes, they are good for us, and lighten as we learn to carry them. work is wholesome, and there is plenty for everyone.”

marmee imparts to her four daughters the beauty of making time to serve willingly and diligently, so that we might bear one another’s burdens well.

what strikes me here is the girls’ desire to please their mother, when she gently calls out their shortcomings in love. i think it reflects our relationship with Jesus in desiring to please Him as He graciously lends us forgiveness and guidance.

similarly, scripture calls us to put one another’s needs above our own:

“do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” - philippians 2:3-4

and to carry one another’s burdens:

“carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” - galatians 6:2

in a “self care” culture where we’re told to stay in our lane and take care of our needs first, our carefully knitted souls can’t help but beam with joy when we place the needs of others before our own.

try it!

then rest!

because even Jesus rested.

He often drew to desolate places for prayer (luke 5:16).

for we can’t pour from empty cups. marmee knew this too:

“have regular hours for work and play, make each day both useful and pleasant…”

this is where true wealth lies.

people are splendid creations built for love and light.

louisa may alcott so delicately describes her characters in a way that highlights the genuine goodness alight within them. one of my favorite descriptions is of Mr. Bhaer, who is the only man who seems able to penetrate Jo’s hardened heart.

“he was poor, yet always appeared to be giving something away; a stranger, yet everyone was his friend; no longer young, but as happy-hearted as a boy… if he had any sorrow, ‘it sat with its head under its wing,’ and he turned only his sunny side to the world. there were lines upon his forehead, but Time seemed to have touched him gently, remembering how kind he was to others. the pleasant curves about his mouth were the memorials of many friendly words and cheery laughs, his eyes were never cold or hard, and his big hand had a warm, strong grasp that was more expressive than words.”

oh, to be described as such!

to be known for our ordinary traits, yet be seen for our extraordinary kindness despite the exterior lack of wealth or physical appeal!

this novel is filled with a depth of love and care shared for one another, written between the lines of jovial celebration and solemn grief.

amy remarks near the end of the book:

“i never knew how much like heaven this world could be, when two people love and live for one another!”

matthew 22:39 tells us loving others is our greatest command, second only to loving God.

and what a lovely place love makes the world.

the Lord is a loving Father.

He is our ever-present comfort in times of hurt.

the march family’s father is serving as a chaplain off at war at the beginning of the story. marmee, his loving wife, speaks sweetly of her woes to her daughters after they’ve heard his letters and miss him desperately.

if you hear nothing else in this essay, hear what she has to say:

“if i don’t seem to need help, it is because i have a better friend, even than Father, to comfort and sustain me. my child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and may be many, but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. the more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother.”

God draws near to us as we draw near to Him. i feel it everyday.

He is near to the brokenhearted (psalm 34:18), and He is an ever-present help in times of trouble (psalm 46:1).

we can trust Him with our hearts. we can pursue wholesome obedience as we seek to reflect His character, rather than conform to the image of the rest of the world.

when the world says me, we can say you.

when the world sees what’s wicked, we can spot the good.

when the world screams in solitude, we can rest in knowing we’re not alone.

God is with you always (matthew 28:20). seek His goodness, and i know we’ll find our hearts warmed and our cups full, like the richness of the poor march girls.

many humble blessings,

vanilla girl

thank you for reading and supporting vanilla girl! if you need any prayer for any reason, please reach out. i want to support you too. <3

it sounds dramatic. and it could’ve been worse, for sure. but it is not a year i would like to soon repeat.

i think i hit my record for most amount of tears shed in the span of twelve months. never had my body felt more crippled with anxiety, my heart more broken, or my soul more lonely than it did this year. it’s still hard for me to think about — much less write about — the months of january and february. i was sick in every possible meaning of the word, and life seemed to hit me like a punching bag when i was already knocked off the hinges that suspended me.

the hardest parts of those months was facing all the trials without a village. i was in a new state over a thousand miles from home and family. my people were too far to be able to take me to the doctors appointments, rescue me from the side of the road, or comfort me in the depths of the night when i felt so sick i was afraid i wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

my dreams of marrying the man i moved half way across the country for were shattered not once, but twice. i felt misplaced from any notion of home as i packed up my life three times to find a different roof to go over my head. there were several months where it was a challenge to walk, shower, stand, or simply function without feeling like i was going to collapse. my heartbeat still misfires. my head sometimes still swims.

til the very end of this year, disappointment has dug its claws into my tired eyes. my new car decided to copy the old one and left me stranded in the rain. again. an entire trip to california to see family got canceled thanks to the unforgiving blizzards of the midwest. people keep leaving trampled trails of hurt in the wake of their words and actions.

that’s just life, right?

BUT.

but God.

i am not here to throw a self-induced pity party no one is showing up to. rather, i am here to offer a testament of God’s beautiful, magnificent, goodness in it all.

for who was there to comfort me in the echoes of my lonely nights? God was. who was there to lean on when i felt forsaken by all familiarity? God was. who loved on me when the love of my life needed space? God did. like crazy. and i wrote every bit of it down.

in PERFECT timing, i wept as a pastor would pray on a sunday morning for those sitting in the pews who just went to the emergency room, got a bunch of lab tests done, and felt like their body was failing. that was me. i just went through all of that.

another pastor would give a sermon at a different church i just happened to be visiting. he spoke directly to those who just got out of a relationship, or just moved to town, and he encouraged them. that was me. i just did both of those things. the same sermon ended with the same hymn i had been playing on repeat every night as i would fall asleep to remind myself of God’s peace — ‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

on mornings where i did not think i had the strength to show up to school to teach, a student would bring me a note saying i was the best teacher they’d ever had. parents of the cheer girls i coached would bring me flowers and gift cards after tearful mornings. my village DID come in the form of a family who took care of me in more ways than i could imagine, and started to bring laughter back into my life again (y’all know who you are<3).

all of these were gentle whisperings of a heavenly Father reminding me, “I’ve got you.”

we all go through suffering. we all face disappointments. the Lord does not promise that we won’t happen upon those things in our lifetime, no matter if we believe in Him or not. but He DOES promise to be with us and never forsake us (isaiah 41:10) when we choose to trust in Him. what i endured wasn’t easy, but the Lord carried me through it, just like He promised.

when i find my satisfaction in Him, i can never come up empty. i can praise His name despite my circumstances. choosing to allow Him to partake in my sufferings is worth it as it has granted me unexplained peace and strength and joy and freedom.

“fear not, for i am with you; be not dismayed for i am your God; i will strengthen you, i will help you, i will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - isaiah 41:10

and wow, did God bless me this year. my body finally started to heal. (and i feel like that started in the mediterranean waters of greece, which is crazy.) i moved to a city with a christian community that quickly felt like family. i had girlfriends my age again for the first time in almost two years! (post-college, starting-over life is hard.) my pace of life slowed in a much needed way with a mini career shift. but also, i loved my little third-grade students that i had with all my heart. praise God for them and the joy they brought me when i was at my lowest.

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with some exceptions, december has probably been the lightest and happiest and healthiest i have felt all year. i’m learning that i want to stop taking life and myself so seriously, and, rather, just take God seriously. i’m done spending my time wasting away on netflix and smartphones and shedding tears over people who aren’t there to wipe them. i want to sip up the sun and taste the sky and not only enjoy the world the Lord put me in, but invite that world to be a part of His heavenly Kingdom. the deepest of loves dwells there. and it heals.

i don’t want to fear what 2026 could bring. i don’t want to go into it holding my breath, being pathetically cautious about what other hardships could come. i want to go into it knowing the God of the universe has me in the palm of His hand, and He will fight my battles for me.

“come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - matthew 11:28-30

i choose faith over fear. i choose joy over sorrow. i choose Jesus over everything.

it may sound cliche, but i am truly praying for an abundance of joy and laughter in 2026. Jesus says He comes so that we may have life, and have it to the full (john 10:10).

i’ve watered gardens upon gardens of flowers with my tears this year. flowers that needed pruning.

but now, it is time for them to blossom.

happiest of new years,

vanilla girl

hey. i’m tori. i’m twenty-four and i just got a flip phone.

so. you’re thinking about getting a flip phone, too? you’re ready to ditch the smart phone life and unplug. be offline. off grid, if you will.

but do you have what it takes? are you willing to go there?

can you say no to the soothing rhythms of your favorite playlists safely secured all in one place?

how about the strategic ease of purchasing and researching and capturing anything and everything at the touch of your finger tips?

can you say no to the disturbing comfort of knowing where your loved one is at all times and vice versa?

or the effortless ability to find your way around anywhere within seconds?

what about the addictive ping of irrelevant notifications or instant messaging conversations?

think about the qr codes! think about the plane, concert, and “how to fold a fitted sheet” masterclass mobile tickets! think about the easy cash swap with friends after a night out where you conveniently forgot your wallet! think about the FOMO! oh the humanity!

update: i got a flip phone.

okay, i’m being dramatic. i don’t feel like a superior human now that i have a flip phone, nor like my life has changed too terribly much. i cheat with all of these things because i still have access to them on my ipad, i just have to be attached to wi-fi in order to use them. honestly, it’s hard to see how i would operate without things like venmo, having access to my mobile banking account, spotify, group messages, security camera apps, alexa, amazon, and more of the like. our world runs on a plethora of apps nowadays, and it would be a challenge to get rid of them altogether. i’m not totally off grid, and i’m still trying to decide if the benefits of the swap outweigh the challenges yet. but for now, while i’m no longer carrying the world in my pocket, i can’t see myself going back.

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the challenges. expected + unexpected:

instant messaging:

ditching my iphone for a flip phone took some wild adjusting at first. within hours of having the flip phone, i felt so disconnected in an unsettling sort of way. what took me seconds to text now takes me literally ten minutes. (i will never text and drive again.) i don’t always receive messages sent in group chats which is unnerving, and i had to disconnect imessages, so i couldn’t look back and respond to old messages on my ipad. no one likes to call these days (except my college best friend, who calls me at least once a week, and i love her so so much for it), so how was i going to stay in touch with the friends i have all across the country? i can no longer send perfect paragraph updates at a time most convenient for me. i can’t send videos or gifs or games. phone calls it is, i guess.

apple maps:

i was home for a holiday break when i got the flip phone, in a familiar place where i knew my way around. when i traveled back to north carolina, however, i tried using the google maps on my flip phone to navigate the one and half hour drive back from the airport. bro, no. the maps give you the directions, but you have to manually click to the next turn, and it doesn’t really tell you how many miles you have before your turn arrives. so unless you already know your way around a bit, you have to be paying close attention. i have a gps in my car, but that takes 10 minutes to plug in an address (and i have to be parked) and that is hardly helpful either, as it is pretty outdated. it doesn’t understand that the main interstate in my commute is even a road.

mobile tickets:

i accounted for this when i got the phone, but i knew for my flight back to NC, i’d have to print out a boarding pass because i couldn’t just whip out the ticket in my apple wallet. so, like a one hundred-year-old lady, i wrote down my confirmation number on the palm of my hand, printed out the boarding ticket, and went on my merry way. what i DIDN’T account for was delays and my layover. i had about a thirty minute layover in dallas. upon arrival, i went to the gate listed on my printed boarding pass. of course, the gate had since changed. so i arrived to the A gates, and when i checked the screens that show all the flights, realized i needed to head to the C gates. i got to the the C gate on time, no sweat, and they hadn’t started boarding yet. only, when we got on the plane, there seemed to be some mechanical issues. we deplaned. everyone was getting updates on their smartphones that we were delayed another two hours. some were logging onto their app to switch to an earlier flight. the stress! but it didn’t end up being a big deal; i was starving at that point anyways and was able to go grab some food then just wait for us to board again within an hour. i also met a nice lady who had just gone to france and we sat and chatted as she was kind enough to share her pizza.

the solutions!

the crazy thing i’ve realized with these set backs, though, is that the Lord literally provides. though i might buy a nicer gps for my car, so far, the Lord has gotten me everywhere i need to go. i’ll usually map a place from my ipad before i leave and memorize the turns, or check how long it takes to get somewhere. i’m often surprised with how much i actually do know the route, the area, and where i’m at.

though the airport thing was stressful, He provided for that too. i wasn’t late to my connecting flight and was able to get some help with the delay, make a new friend, and wait contentedly for something beyond my control.

as for keeping in touch with my friends, texting has gotten a little easier, and we really can just make a quick call without anyone getting eaten up by the social anxiety boogie monster. i can facetime on my ipad and send pictures on facebook messenger (more on social media in a sec.)

we think we can’t get by without these devices anymore. but the truth is: we can. obviously, people have for centuries. though the world has changed, the Lord is still sovereign over it all and takes care of our little needs in little moments.

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social media:

tiktok/snapchat/facebook/etc:

i have not used tiktok — is it one word or two words? — in forever (except to post a silly halloween cody maverick video a couple months ago… surfs up) but decided to fully delete my account. i don’t need those tacky, yet embarrassingly hilarious videos circling the inter web anymore. i haven’t used snapchat all year either, but may use it on my ipad to easily send video updates to the girls. facebook has been kept for marketplace and close friend updates. oh, and pinterest is the best social media platform that shall live on forever and ever amen.

instagram…RIP:

this one was so hard for me, y’all. i deleted my entire instagram account. just stab my heart and twist the knife. but seriously, this is the app i have had for over a decade and, full disclosure, have truly invested hours upon hours of my life perfecting it, tweaking it, and pouring my whole identity into it. and for what?

my account has undergone so many face lifts, it’s not funny. i have hundreds of archived photos (i only had about 8 posts when i deleted it). i used to have perfectly curated highlights pinned under my bio (those were all removed months ago too.) creative young me was chronically plagued by making my feed as aesthetic as possible. i would spend time searching through dozens of accounts to see who i sort of knew that i could follow so i could get my following up to 900, 1000, 1100. obviously, none of it was ever enough.

for awhile, i stopped posting altogether, feigning to care, and not wanting to appear self-obsessed or add to the endless noise. i liked the mini snapshot of my life you could see on my profile, and i didn’t think all those strangers following me needed to know much more. the last thing i posted was on my story about getting a flip phone and announcing that i was about to delete my account. i had never gotten more views, likes, or dm’s on a story post than that one. and it felt good. i loved that people liked the story or responded to it who i wouldn’t usually talk to otherwise. people from all parts of my past. the numbers were a rush. the notifications felt addicting. you can see why the app had to go, but you can also see why it was hard to sentence it to death.

but what were all these people saying in their responses to the story?

“i’ve been thinking about doing this and i think you just convinced me.”

“i wish i could do this. A DREAM”

“this is amazing,” “i’m so proud,” “you’re so cool,” yadda yadda.

thus lies the reason for the swap: everyone knows they’re addicted to their smartphones, but nobody wants to do something about it.

the truth is, some people can’t anymore either.

i found that at the center of all the reasons i wanted to keep instagram around was because of pride. i have invested way too much of my worth or identity in the number of followers i have, the cutest pictures of myself displayed neatly on my feed, or the desire to feel connected and affirmed and relevant. it was so hard to let it go because i was enslaved to the effective algorithm of instagram that told me how much i would miss out on if i didn’t have it.

newsflash: i’m not missing out on much. i was actually missing out more on living the life around me when i had instagram as my default time-waster any spare second i had.

in seasons where i would cut out instagram for awhile and get back on, i would literally feel offended when people would post pictures of their coffee or the sky, like they were intentionally trying to waste my time. it’s silly, and i’m not looking down on anyone who does post those cute little nothings — like keep it up, sis — but it might just be a tiny bit true. so much of it is simply a waste of time.

and don’t get me started on the ways this app would literally rip me and my self -confidence apart. we’re not meant to see the “super-model” girls our boyfriends are following or the posts they’re affirming when they hit the like button. we’re not meant to see the gatherings we weren’t invited to, or hear the political slander from friends who would never say that directly to our face. i will not miss the sickening feeling of thinking i’m not pretty enough, not cool enough, not liked enough. it’s all a facade, and it’s crippling our mental health and the beloved people God created us to be.

so good riddance, instagram. sayonara. hasta la vista. you can’t chain me to those thoughts any longer. i’m breaking free.

the benefits: (!!)

i’ll be honest, being iphoneless and instagramless includes moments of making me feel like i have or will become irrelevant to the world. people might feel like they can’t get in touch with me as easily or won’t see my life updates anymore (oh no!). but that’s okay. i have my circle. i am keeping in touch. Jesus had his circle, too — only twelve disciples. in a world where we can reach millions within seconds (which is an amazing tool, and is incredible!), we aren’t always built to function with that many eyes on our lives or voices in our head.

i’m still connected. i’m just not carrying the world in my pocket anymore.

it’s given me space to think, to breathe, to pray, to grow.

i’m always surprised with the quiet moments i have to myself now. moments where i know i’d usually be finding a way to fill that space poking around my iphone if i still had it. my thoughts now dive deep, and not in a scary way. it just passes the time more than i expected and gets wheels spinning that i didn’t even know were in there.

the flip phone is a conversation starter, too. the other night, i was at a high school basketball game and a teen girl i previously knew wanted to make sure she had my number. i gave it to her and she texted me. once she saw the green text bubble went, “omg, you have an android?!” i pulled out my flip phone, and the other teen girl next to her dropped her jaw so far to the floor i thought she was going to trip on it. most teenagers i’ve interacted with can’t fathom the swap i just made. it’s amusing, honestly, but it makes room to share my experience, my faith, or just make a new, real friend when i’m not glued to my screen.

this is silly, but i also love having it all be button operated — you don’t realize how frustrated you get trying to tap tap tap a button or a cursor on your screen and it’s not going where you want to go. ALSO, the battery lasts me about a whole week. amazing.

in conclusion:

i think about a month into this adventure — now that i’m starting to adjust — i truly enjoy the feeling of being unplugged. i’ve noticed less discontentment in my heart, less low self-esteem in my mind, and less anxiety in my body. there’s more room for laughter, confidence, thoughts, connection and Jesus.

we’ll see if i keep the flip phone around forever. i might not be able to with the direction our world keeps heading in. or, on the contrary, maybe everyone will start switching back to flip phones. i can still take pictures and videos on a digital camera, i carry a mini notebook around with me everywhere to jot down little notes or grocery lists, and when the radio gets annoying, why not take the time to just sit and breathe and pray?

we are overstimulated with so much noise these days, i think it’s suffocating us from feeling like we can have an intimate connection with community or intimacy with the Lord. we say, “God why can’t i hear you?” and He reminds us we don’t take time to “be still and know” (psalm 46:10). we ask, “why do i feel so alone?” and God reminds us that, “where two or more are gathered, there Christ will be also,” (matthew 18:20).

many people already notice that in a world where we are so “connected” we feel more isolated than ever. whether you decide to ditch your smartphone or not, don’t let that be you. put the device down, step out in FAITH — for fear is NOT welcome here — and deeply, soulfully, intimately, with tender care, connect. be raw. love recklessly. that can’t always happen hidden behind the veil of a silent screen.

your girl on the outside,

vanilla girl

i have been a little MIA lately. life has happened. God is good. thank you for your patience and understanding as i work to get silly scribblings out to my NOW FIFTY home slices! :)

one of my life happenings recently is that i am moving again… for the third time this year… fourth time in the last year and half. which, to uproot my life that many times in one year is more than exhausting. don’t get me wrong, i am so excited for this next move. but i am hungry for a settled season, free of constant change. whenever someone i haven’t talked to in a few months has reached out and asked, “what’s new?” this year, i find myself usually responding: everything.

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that statement has been no exception for november. and let me tell you, i’m a pretty tired of it. i have cried a lot this month. i’ve cried a lot this year. i pray things are shifting for the better now, and i want to have hope that they are. either way, i am grateful for where God has planted me for the time being. there have been plenty of undeserved blessings and pockets of joy and laughter sprinkled throughout it all. i’m excited for my next place to call home, and will be in the same city just in a different house and with a sweet new roommate! who doesn’t love the opportunity for a mini fresh start?

however, amongst the persistent shifting this year, i often find myself longing for home home. i regularly picture that as something i can only obtain when i one day have a husband and a family and a house of my own. or, i think of my “home” right now as the place i truly feel the most comfort and peace, which is with my family in northern minnesota. both of which feel far away. i’ve found myself obsessing over my seemingly primal instinct to homemake, and simply can’t wait to be wrapped in four walls that are completely my own and completely me. this so frequently stems from a discontentment birthed by the farmhouse momma media i tend to consume online.

i’m often desperate for a little farmhouse of my own, where early in the morning i have logs burning in the fireplace, fresh eggs cooking on my cast iron skillet, cream taper candles lit around the home, scents of cinnamon and coffee wafting from the kitchen, and horses and dogs and ducks waiting for their breakfast outside. a place where i can roam and work with my hands and inhale fresh mountain air. a safe place where i can invite everyone in to experience its warmth.

even as i type this now, i realize those things won’t truly satiate my cravings for a settled and simple life. they may not bring the sense of belonging or assured comfort that i desire.

sometimes i’m nervous i’ve moved so much in life, i won’t know what to do with myself once i don’t have a “what’s next?” dangling over my head.

i’m twenty-four and have lived in all four time zones in the US. i’ve lived in five different states, have had seven big moves, and probably ten smaller ones from city to city to city and back again since i’ve been alive. whether it’s 1,500 miles or 15 miles, i sure know how to pack up my life and make myself at home in a small room of someone else’s house. i consider myself a pro at this point.

sometimes, that’s just the nature of being in your early twenties. between college and home and summer fun and big girl jobs, you’re always on the move. or maybe you’re born and raised and go to school and get married and settle down all in the same spot. that’s far from my story, but here’s the thing:

it doesn’t really matter because we’re not really home.

we all desire a place to belong, to feel settled and loved and like we’ve got a purpose.

i’ve heard home described before like this:

“home is where your heart is”

“home is wherever you are” (meaning, another person)

“home is not a place, it’s a feeling”

i recently heard something along the lines of “home is wherever YOU (your own person) are because that’s where Jesus has you.” so if i’m in minnesota for the holidays, that’s home. if i’m living in a small studio apartment in a military town, that’s home. if i’m vacationing in hawaii for spring break, that’s home. (not that i am, of course, just making a point.) God has me in that spot for a reason, and that’s what matters. it’s the idea of being where your feet are and being present in that.

but truly, if your faith is put in Jesus Christ, earth will never be your home.

Jesus says this in the gospel of john:

“there is more than enough room in my Father’s home. if this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? when everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be where I am.” - john 14:2-3

God has prepared a place for us in heaven, in His own house, for us to dwell with Him forever. this is home.

paul says this in his letter to the philippians:

“but we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. and we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.” - philippians 3:20

we’ll always feel a little displaced until we recognize the presence of Christ alone is our home.

hebrews states:

“for this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” - hebrews 13:14

if you haven’t put your faith in Jesus — who is God’s own Son sent to die on a cross to redeem you and i from the death we deserve as a consequence for our sins (romans 6:23) — i wonder if parts of you never truly feel at home yet either. i wonder if something feels like it could be missing — a lack of purpose, a lack of belonging, a lack of love. i know apart from Jesus, i’ve felt that way. it feels directionless, hopeless, and honestly empty.

we all feel this shortcoming (romans 3:23), but God loves us through it (romans 5:8), and he rescues us from those depths when we put our trust in Him (roman’s. 10:8).

God is perfect love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:8/18).

i know i’ve idolized this notion of home, and feel afraid i won’t get a chance to belong. but Christ gives me purpose everyday to share His love with those He puts in front of me.

and that is belonging enough.

you are in my prayers, dear friend. thank you x100 for reading.

endless love,

vanilla girl

first of all, not to fret: i’ll still be here on substack. second of all, i don’t want to go into all the reasoning behind this decision yet because i honestly feel like it’s pretty obvious. don’t we all have that deep-down desire to unplug? some of us truly can’t because of work and the society we now live in, but i’m currently in a season where i think i can get away with it! mwahahaha. (i will probably share more once the flip phone is in my hands).

this has been something that i’ve been sitting on for months now. i’ve been sorting through scenarios in my head, continuously asking myself: “okay, what would i actually do without apple maps? find my iphone? scanning qr codes? what’s app? facetime? imessages? a camera? SPOTIFY?” i think we can all survive without social media, but like realistically, how am i going to survive without a smartphone??

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my answer for now: get an ipad. with a keyboard. a healthy alternative. from which i currently type to you now.

this way, i can still be “online.” i’m just not carrying the whole world in my pocket anymore — i have to be attached to wi-fi, or otherwise immediately available for those closest to me.

here is my plan of action. Operation Get Tori A Flip Phone if you will.

Operation Get Tori A Flip Phone

1. sell my macbook air and get an ipad. (CHECK. thank you facebook marketplace for the inexpensive new toy and mom for being the next inheritor of my laptop).

2. fix my grandpa’s old film camera at a film shop for more intentional photo-taking purposes.

3. purchase a mini notebook to keep on me at all times for random note-taking purposes. i.e. when i want to look up something random on my laptop later or write down a grocery list.

4. buy a digital waterproof watch. NOT a smartwatch, i am so against those, sorry. but this is to easily keep time without having a device attached to me, and possibly for alarm-setting purposes as well.

5. invest in new hobbies in case the boredom hits. i live alone and do have some downtime now and then. SORT OF CHECK because i just bought a cute electric keyboard piano off facebook marketplace as well. i want to invest more in baking and cooking from scratch, i have a season pass to the ice rink, i want to bring my viola back from my next trip home, i’ve got me a nice fishin’ pole, and now i want some christmas puzzles. :)

6. GO TO T-MOBILE AND GET THE DANG FLIP PHONE.

note: i also have an alexa and cars have radios and there will be other ways to listen to music, as that is very important to me. however, i think it is often too important to me and frequently becomes an idol in my life. i could spend much more of moments without music simply in silence or in conversation with my Savior. (also i think we overstimulate ourselves so much with constant music-playing and podcast-listening anyways. myself included. go listen to the birds and the breeze and the soft simmer of supper cooking on the stove. it’s okay to give room for your thoughts).

note part two: i may or may not totally get rid of social media as well. i may keep it on my ipad, but i’m leaning towards totally deleting my accounts altogether. it feels like a lot to give up. but i really don’t think it is.

so there’s my plan! i hope you can follow along as i share my experience along the way. it’s weird to feel like i should be documenting this as if it were some historic mission — literally this is just how everyone used to live. some of you reading have even been there. but how do we function now in a world so reliant on our handheld devices?

i’m about to find out. stay tuned!

love from offline,

vanilla girl

a few weeks ago, after years of being honey blonde (and a few darker hiccups in between), i finally went back to my roots — my natural, more dirty blonde hair color. it took a moment to feel settled with it, but now, i’m in love. in the least vain way possible, i like what i see in the mirror now. not because my reflection is flashy or bright anymore, but because it’s me; closer to God’s original creation. here’s what He’s taught me as my mane made the transition:

the more i grow up, the more i rediscover the core of who i am. like maybe little tori had it right and God actually knew what he was doing!?

but what did i do before i made that discovery? i spent years trying to escape the OG tori and “discover who i was.” i took so many unnecessary detours. post college me would think thoughts of “oh, if i went back and did it differently…” or “if i only knew then what i do now, i would’ve switched it up and would be so much cooler.” or some fatuous nonsense like that.

i imagined myself starting figure skating as a kid, sticking with sports through high school, getting fluent in french, studying exercise science and becoming a personal trainer. i would’ve ditched the thick 50s glasses and braces era and learned how to properly dress myself in a feminine way. i would’ve been talented in something (like figure skating or volleyball) and unafraid to put myself out there. all this, that and the other.

if you know me, you know that was not my upbringing, nor probably something i could picture myself pursuing had the cards been played differently anyway (except maybe learning french… i blame moving to the midwest for that one).

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let me EXPOSE myself for a moment:

from childhood through high school, tiny tori was - how do i say it? - a nerd by societal standards (but we love her for it, hang in there). and a tomboy, lowkey.

let’s see, starting from a young age in the mountains of northern utah, i loved being outdoors. i had two younger brothers to get dirty with - we would jump in puddles, roll in sand, smudge dust on our cheeks, etc. i wasn’t afraid to get a little muddy. which also meant i was obsessed with horses. total horse girl/cowgirl. that was my sport growing up. i loved all animals, especially ocean ones, and i wanted to be a zookeeper. i also had irish roots so, GET THIS: i did irish dancing for two years. awesome? i think yes.

come junior high era, i started playing the viola, got pretty good at it, was shy as ever, and read like a wormmm. i would bring 700-page books with me to school and would finish a single novel on any given saturday. not much of a social life. BUT i got involved in youth ministry and that started to change everything for me. more on that later.

my world flipped upside down when we moved from utah to minnesota while i was in high school, and i went back into my shell i felt i had just started to bust out of. i could’ve done high school volleyball or basketball which are two sports i enjoyed, but i was too nervous to put myself out there. it was hard to fit myself into a small town student body that all grew up together. staying home and reading was just easier. my viola skills plateaued a bit, but i still stuck with orchestra, and that became my happy place. music moves me.

cue the braces and fifties glasses era. i was not attractive (though i thought i was the hottest thing on wheels), but my gentle and loving personality somehow wooed the men anyways. ha. the further into high school i got, the more old soul i became. i loved watching old films, like ones with gene kelly and debbie reynolds as they tapped their toes and sung chaotically in the rain. i liked listening to elvis presley and bruce springsteen, i had a record player and cassettes, my dream car was a 1955 studebaker president. i got made fun of for reading memoirs on dick van dyke and walt disney - don’t even get me started on the disney obsession. i think after sixth grade i decided i loved disney again and that love went deep. i was not ashamed.

eventually though, the shame started to bare it’s venomous teeth. i went out to southern california to a bible college just ten minutes from the ocean. it was my first time living with girls, which made me realize i did not know how to dress like a girl. i started to meet some of the coolest and prettiest people ever, and that’s when tik tok exploded like a baby’s diaper. the insecurities hit me like a dump truck that year (sorry for the potty language) and i tried desperately to reshape whatever the heck made tori bohney.

i was not proud of what what made me me, nor did i feel like i had anything for others to be proud of. what’s so cool about writing and orchestra and being a horse girl and a church girl all wrapped up in one? who literally irish danced. embarrassing. it did not help that i battled over a decade of cystic acne too. but that’s another story.

of course, these were all lies twisted in my mind and heart.

i could write a novel about what happened in my heart that year, and how God started to go to work on it. i spent hours fussing over my looks and how i appeared to others, both in person and online. but God did some construction, and by the time i left the bible college, i actually had a bit of a glow up. i just felt more me and more accepting of who God made me to be.

however, i soon went to a university in northern minnesota, and it felt like that was a redemptive chance to be “cool” for the first time. so… i. became. a cheerleader. wow. i felt prettier and way more outgoing and now i’m on a “sports” team for the first time in my adult life. i was living it up. i also went from beachy faux surfer girl to short-haired, platinum blonde, rock n roll, groovy hippie. my love for the 50s era just jumped ahead a couple decades.

slowly i started to outgrow these phases of obsessing over my appearance and my edge and started focusing on my love simply for Jesus and ministry. spoiler alert: that’s been my most important, transformative, and beautiful phase.

it took awhile, but who i am as a person has finally started to settle in and change. well, not change. just morph back into an embrace of the girl i always was. i only lost her a little on the way.

because now here i am. my hair is back to its natural color and my blue eyes pop. i love reading and writing and people and ministry. riding a horse makes me feel more alive and present than just about anything. i am a proud old soul for so many reasons. when i hear a bruce springsteen song or beautiful symphonic melody or even a goofy irish jig, i am reminded of my roots and my love for my family and heritage and music.

although, all the quirks and interests are pretty much meaningless in light of knowing who i am as a child of God. that’s all people need to know about me anyways. and that’s what vanilla girl is. God made me uniquely me, and He uses that for His kingdom, for which i am so grateful. but being called His daughter - who is so loved that a precious son was sent to die for her - is all that really matters.

it’s sad to think i may have wasted those years trying to mold myself into someone i’m not. but the Lord brought me back around, and above all, i know i am a beloved child of His. and if i can help future girls embrace their vanilla sides sooner than i did, i’ll be grateful all the more.

your biggest cheerleader,

vanilla girl

greece was magic.

a sapphire sea rose to meet my gaze towards a horizon that was nothing short of stardust. fractals of sunlight glittered upon the water’s surface, and the salted breeze tore at peaks of waves, splashing wildly against the catamaran into my peppered vision. as the sun dipped beneath the volcanic pillars before me, it cast a coral light into the sky, illuminating the ivory city perched on the edge of an ebony cliff…

there’s a moment that often seems to be waiting in the echoes of expectation for trips abroad. perhaps especially for european excursions. it’s a moment where one feels so detached from everyday routines and rituals back home, so immersed in an exotic terrain, that the world stills for just a second. reality slips, breathing stills, and awestruck wonder camps itself in the flutters of your disbelieving heart. this can’t be real life. but it is. no way am i sitting here on a boat in the middle of the mediterranean sea watching the sun set against the hills of santorini. but i am!

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i remember that moment feeling spiritual. it reminded me of how i felt peering over the cliffs of moher in ireland six years prior. what lied before me looked so miraculous, i couldn’t help but be reminded of its Creator. i spent about an hour sitting in silence on the bow of this catamaran as it swiftly sailed back towards the harbor where we would anchor to watch the sun sink. i imagined myself to be a pirate for a moment (what i want to be when i grow up, truly), then spent the time in quiet, conversing with God, soaking in gratitude and letting Him settle the concerns of my heart.

just before the quiet cruise, the occupants of the watercraft were all indulging in quite possibly the best dance party of my life. why was it the best dance party of my life? because, of course, the tour guide blasted “mamma mia” by abba, and i was with my family and all these strangers out at SEA off the coast of GREECE in my light blue sundress and my ocean blonde hair, dancing like a QUEEN (and a kid) in a highlight-of-my-life kind of moment! it truly felt like a hug from the Lord, letting me know everything was okay because a lot of the time, i was not feeling okay.

greece was hard.

my heart beat like the hooves of a racehorse. nausea clawed at my chest. that ever-present feeling of disorientation blurred my vision. pangs of discomfort shot through my head. i need gum. fresh air. someone to tell me a funny story. it’s so hot. i’ve been stuck in the chicago airport for over eight hours.

moments before boarding our flight to greece, i was panicking. i was not a fan of the thought of being trapped in a little ship in the sky with 200 other people for ten hours feeling however i’d been feeling for the last several days, weeks, months. that kind of anxiety really isn’t like me. recounting the moment makes me feel queasy still. my remedy? at the time: music. i popped in my headphones and turned the volume of my favorite song all the way up. “ashokan farewell” by jay ungar and other artists. the song doesn’t even have words, it’s just a violin and a guitar pretty much, but it’s probably the most beautiful song i’ve ever heard.

i put the song on repeat and tears started to fill my eyes as peace settled into my heart. the second our plane left the ground, all the nauseous feelings left, and i was calm and comfortable the entire flight. praise God.

music became my little escape on the trip. not that i needed an escape from being in literally greece. but it helped calm my nervous system. suffering from months of symptoms due to mold exposure or a virus or whatever undiagnosed thing, i frequently felt dizzy or on the verge of unconsciousness. when the heat got a little too stifling, i would play my most beloved instrumentals in my earbuds to put me at ease.

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one of my other favorite moments (though nerdy, i do not care), was at a stunning overlook in santorini, where miles and miles of sea filled the vast expanse of the horizon. “test drive” from the film how to train your dragon was the song choice of the moment. iconic. in my imagination, dragons were cascading over the islands ahead, plummeting towards the ocean below. NERDY, i know.

but it made me smile. more than that, it actually made my heart soar right over the edge of the cliff with the sway of the music and i was beaming. try it sometime. i’m not sure when we all decided to grow up and stop having an imagination, but i hereby declare we bring back those silly child-like wonders. they’re not as silly as you’d think. a petition will be sent to your inbox shortly.

the takeaway.

which finally brings me a little to my point. being childlike - not childish - i think is actually part of the “vanilla way.” not that there are rules, but if being “vanilla” is about embracing a wholesome heart, i think childlikeness plays a large role in that. it’s the art of returning to a state of awe and faith we once beheld as children, yet struggle to cling to as adults.

“at that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ he called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. and he said: ‘truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. and whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.’”

- matthew 18:1-5

in scripture, the Lord reveals His heart for not only His children, but actual children. i remember once as a kid, maybe in first or second grade, my friend told me she had a pet giraffe. we went to her house and she showed me how the giraffe would walk about her house and stick its head outside the window. we skipped through her backyard and brought a chair up next to the stone fence to look over it. i’m pretty sure we placed a metronome or something on top of the fence, squinting out beyond the train tracks into the empty field, waiting for her giraffe to come. tick tick tick. time to come home, giraffe!

spoiler alert: the giraffe didn’t come. but i simply believed her. i believed she had a pet giraffe and blame it on my ever-still vibrant imagination. of course, i was hurt when i discovered my friend had a tendency to spin a sticky web of lies.

but let me tell you something:

God doesn’t lie. nor is He lying.

ask me how i know. as an adult, it’s good to ask questions. but with a childlike spirit, it’s okay to not know the answer to everything. that’s why we come to Him in faith and believe Him anyways. He takes us in like a Father with open arms.

if God were lying - about His love for us, His son He sent to die for us, a heaven that is waiting for those of us who chose to say yes to a relationship with Him - then wow. millions of people from hundreds of generations have built their lives on a bunch of hocus pocus. mine included.

but a good sum of us - the widows, the orphans, the sick, the abused, all the people who’ve been broken by the world - still have chosen to believe God’s goodness and truth despite the darkness and hurt of it all. why?

my favorite quote from c.s. lewis says this:

so. the utter high i got from peeking over the cliffs of moher, or gaping up at volcanic islands on glassy seas was just that. a high. a fleeting moment, that felt good and worth chasing. but it doesn’t compare to the deep, everlasting joy that comes from having a home in the inseparable love of Jesus. and all you have to do is ask for it. heart surrendered, in humility, like a child who knows something magical is waiting beyond the fence. the good news? there’s not even a fence.

“ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” - matthew 7:7-8

simple…

“if you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” - romans 10:9

and vanilla as that.

in childlikeness,

vanilla girl.

she and i were sharing a bomb.com meal from our favorite hibachi restaurant. she had just done my nails and i was helping distract her from an ominous phone call she was awaiting from a friend. somewhere between the top coat and the yum yum sauce, she started to open up to me about her past. a past that is anything but simple, anything but pretty. a past that forced her to grow up before she was even a teenager and taught her how to be mom before middle school. the story is hers to tell. but her response to it all sucker punched me in the gut.

going through something a kid never should have to go through, my hibachi date recounted her story with sorrow, yet ended it with a smile. i asked her about her faith and how she came to know the Lord in it all. she told me church was her safe place, her refuge. she knew everyday, when food was scarce and the unknown snapped its menacing jaws, that God was taking care of her and her siblings. He was providing for them and loving on them when no one else did. she told me that even now, despite the horrors of it all, she wouldn’t change a thing. she wouldn’t make it different. because she is who she is today because of it.

cue the water works.

i sat there thinking there’s no way i’m talking to a sixteen-year-old right now. this girl feels older than i am in her faith. she did not have a vanilla childhood. and my vanilla life cannot comprehend the things she has been through. yet she displays so much grace and love and purity of heart, and her strength is a testament of God’s relentless provision for His children. her story will move mountains someday - it’s already moving mine.

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though my upbringing looked wildly different from hers, church was a safe place for me too. i know it doesn’t feel that way for everyone. but i think when we look back on our lives, amidst the highs and lows, we can say “man. i’m sure glad i went through that. that someone out there got me through that. because i wouldn’t be who i am today otherwise.”

of course, with that can still be a lingering sense of “why?”, or a gripping bite of pain when the memory reappears. why did we have to go through that? when will the grief go away? no matter your story, i simply know this - we never have to face the mountains and valleys alone. there is a Father who loves us and provides for us - even when we don’t love Him, when we don’t see Him, we don’t feel Him, we don’t like Him, we don’t trust Him. from the beginning of time, He has always made a way to be with us. it’s there in the beginning of genesis.

this morning in my bible, i read this:

“and the people complained in the hearing of the LORD about their misfortunes… and the people of Israel wept again and said ‘Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. but now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.”

- numbers 11:1-6

God’s people, the israelites, were complaining that they didn’t have fine and delicious meat, like they did when they were back in egypt. aka, back in slavery. the LORD had brought them out of slavery now and provided manna for them everyday - food that they needed! yet they grumbled. it wasn’t good enough. throughout the rest of the chapter, God gave them the meat they desired, more than enough, but not in a way they expected. there was a downfall. but the LORD continued to stay with His people in the wilderness and provide for them.

just like He did for my sixteen-year-old friend. my friend who isn’t complaining and who knows God is with her in times of scarcity and in times of abundance. i am so proud of the woman she is becoming and the woman she is teaching me to be.

may we have similar hearts of gratitude and give credit and glory to the One who takes care of us all.

i love you.

vanilla girl.

monday. september 8th. 2:15pm. today didn’t go as planned. then again, when does anything go as planned when your car stalls on some back road and the check engine light starts blinking madly at you? the vehicle was no longer accelerating, and - pretty sure i knew the problem - i was afraid that if i kept driving i would hurt the engine. i got blessed though. when it happened, i was already in the neighborhood and was able to sort of cruise my way back to my apartment door.

shaken but safe, i pulled up, threw Pam in park (her name is a midwest comedian reference), and (God bless the south) our apartment maintenance man happens to specialize in mechanics so he came to the rescue. he checked it out (i won’t go into details because it feels embarrassing, also how many parentheses can i use in one paragraph), he found me at least a temporary solution, and he went on his way. before he left, i asked if this was part of his job description. he said something along the lines of “no, tis just a side hustle,” and i thanked him immensely for the free service that reminded me of my previous post (linked here). i’m going to find a way to get him a free meal shortly.

anyways, i got twice as blessed because it was my day off and i finished most of the necessary errands i was hoping to run prior to my return home. i was simply hoping to head back out and enjoy a nature hike and later type this up in the barnes and noble cafe, but i’m staying secluded to my home because, quite frankly, i’m scared to drive the car again and get stuck.

the last time this happened was hardly a month ago. that time, i didn’t feel as blessed. i was stuck on the side of the busiest interstate at rush hour for two and half hours waiting for a tow truck in the early-august heat. i was recovering from a fever, had just missed a thomas rhett concert the night before due to my illness (it matters because i was annoyed), and of course, as soon as the tow truck got there, it started down pouring. i had about an hour to go to my destination, but ended up dropping the car off at the auto repair shop and turning around.

it was easy to throw myself a tearful woe-is-me party that night because that seems to be the pattern for me this year (i can’t have nice things in 2025, boohoo). but that’s quite literally life, and this time around, life was a little more merciful. the sun is out, my groceries are safely in the fridge, and help is close by. this year the Lord has blessed me, i don’t deserve nice things, but He grants them to me anyways. i’m just hoping the hard parts of the year have started to build a little more resiliency in my tender heart for the future life-hitting-you-when-you’re-down moments.

so, now i’m home, writing at my desk, about to cook up some dinner and hopefully enjoy an evening walk later. i started scrolling through substack, inspired by budding artists and writers, and and i started noticing a pattern. gen z, white girl media seems to be thrilled that it’s september, and i can’t say i disagree. i keep seeing posts on soft autumn things of which to read and watch and do as the season shifts. i admit, i’ve been eating that up. a lot of it includes little ways to “romanticize” the change and embrace the meg ryan feel of it all.

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according to ai, to romanticize your life is to consciously find and create beauty, joy, and wonder in everyday moments and routines. i.e. “read by candlelight,” “walk to a café,” “just add cinnamon,” “check something off your list that’s been there too long, then buy yourself flowers,” etcetera etcetera. there’s an endless list of ways to do a little extra something just for you, just to take a step back and fill your (tea)cup - a way to add magic and whimsy to your autumn afternoons.

i think as a single, young twenties woman with a slower routine and without a family to take care of, i’ve been sprinkling these little “romanticizing” bits all throughout my days lately. occasionally at the expense of my bank account.

for example: today, as i was running errands (before the car issues), i took an unexpected scenic route and ended up buying myself some fun-sized pumpkins. i had a plan to wash my car, fill up my tires with air, and head to the grocery store. lucky for me, where i was filling up air happened to be across the street from a little local produce market i had been wanting to check out. so, before my jaunt to aldi, i stopped at the market to peruse. they had a little garden nursery outside with hay bales and pumpkins, and, seeing as the weather was 72 and sunny, i couldn’t pass up the opportunity to walk around. it felt a little like “romanticizing” my errands, and bidding hello to fall. the result, of course, was the spontaneous purchase of two mini pumpkins for the whopping price of $2.23.

it felt like a success. it brightened my day, was an inexpensive pleasure, and now i have a splash of autumn in my home without spending money i don’t have on cheap, artificial decorations. despite the car problems and everyday chores, my day held a romantical triumph. (i don’t think romantical is a word, but if anne shirley-cuthbert says it is, then it is).

so, is there anything wrong with wanting to “romanticize” life? 1 it’s hard for me to believe this was a concept before social media, or that those of the male species indulge in such a notion as well (maybe i’m wrong?). what even is romanticizing? is it a beckoning to take a step back as women or mothers who are caught up in the busywork? is it a call to slow down because we are so overloaded with wasted time used for consumerism antics? is it selfish? self-worshipping? is it simply a mindset? making yourself the main character? is there a right or wrong way to do it? is it causing me to spend frivolous money on simple joys that could be placed elsewhere? am i overthinking this???

i do believe there is a little “magic” to the simplicities of life we are now more prone to overlook amidst our barking distractions and cluttered minds. i think media is just highlighting those things again. things that have always been there, we just sit and watch someone else partake in them on a screen instead of enjoying the romantic activities ourselves.

when pondering such questions or trending ideas, i find it helpful to turn to scripture.

“finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” - philippians 4:8

okay, so there is a mindset we are called to have according to scripture. the verse above summarizes the big picture of what those thoughts should look like. think about lovely things worthy of praise! sounds romantic to me!?

the verse also urges us to think about what it true, and i believe scripture to be true. when it comes to romanticizing, i sort of think about the sabbath, which scripture tells us to keep. what is a sabbath? in short, a sabbath is taking one day a week to rest. refill your cup. sounds like a day or a time to romanticize, right? but it’s more than that.

the sabbath is…

1. a memorial of creation (genesis 2:2-3)

2. a sign of redemption (deuteronomy 5:15)

3. a special sign for God’s people (exodus 31:13)

4. a time for joy and blessing (isaiah 58:13-14)

setting aside time for joy and blessing also sounds romantical! but hold on, let’s read the isaiah 58 verse:

“if you turn back your foot from the sabbath, from doing your pleasure on my holy day, and call the sabbath a delight and the holy day of the LORD honorable; if you honor it, not going your own ways, or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly; then you shall take delight in the LORD, and i will make you ride on the heights of the earth; i will feed you with the heritage of jacob your father, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

in isaiah’s day, the sabbath was a legal religious ritual. today, nothing legally binds us to it. Jesus fulfilled the purpose and plan of the sabbath for us and in us (hebrews 4:9-11) so that it is no longer a strict rule we must follow in order to obtain rightness with God. rather, partaking in the sabbath today is simply delighting ourselves in the Lord, honoring God with our actions and lives, and receiving his blessings as we walk with Him.

so what does this look like and how does it relate to our topic at hand? for me, i think about my pumpkin indulgence earlier today. that was a blessing. i can thank God for the happy moment and consider how i portrayed Jesus to those around me while i was enjoying the unexpected detour. the lady who rang me up was quiet and not overly friendly. but she also was trying to service me while simultaneously digging for bandaids to bandage a pumpkin’s prick on her skin. she had three more bandages across her arms already. blood was seriously about to drip onto the counter, and we giggled about cruel pumpkins for a moment as i urged her not to rush with me, and take care of her more pressing matter. it’s just thinking about the little ways of honoring God and His creation, rather than making the moment about me and filling my cup.

of course, my day took a sour turn with the car thing. it’s my day off, i should be resting and enjoying my time, and my car had to go and mess it up! well, that mindset isn’t quite following paul’s instructions in the philippians verse above. i tried to honor God by treating my maintenance friend with kindness despite my frustration. we shared a good laugh too (i’m just a girl), and i’m delighting in the Lord that my day took a turn so i could write out this article. an article who’s existence is really to reveal more about God to myself than perhaps for me to help you. i praise Him for that.

all in all, i’m not sure i feel the need to go about romanticizing my life for my own pleasure and benefit. rather, i think everything i do and encounter can be an opportunity to glorify the Lord, and gives me a chance to see his goodness in everything.

thank you, as always, for tuning into my rambling, possibly confusing, midday thoughts. i feel grateful i can use this as an outlet, and be brave enough to share it :’). please pray for my car.

yours always,

vanilla girl.

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i’m finding, that as soon as the weather turns crisp, it’s commonplace for your average, young, american woman to reawaken the sleeping chronicles of a beloved mother and daughter in small-town connecticut living out their atypical, coffee-infused lives at the turn of the 21st century. (if you’ve seen gilmore girls, you’d perhaps read that run-on, excessively wordy sentence in a one-breath-and-as-fast-as-possible lorelai fashion to imply a reference). i am thus included in this seasonal indulgence, for it brings unexplained comfort and entertainment, deeming itself an annual tradition for your fellow vanilla girl.

if you haven’t seen gilmore girls, or could care less of its influential existence, fret not. i’m only passing coffee cup amounts of judgement, and your viewing of it is besides the point. but i confess, i have been blissfully whisking my quietest hours away replaying episode after episode as the tea brews, the makeup gets applied, or i’m found moments before a sunday afternoon nap. don’t worry - i try to make productive use of my leftover snippets of downtime throughout the day reading, writing, cleaning and the like, but it can be hard to say no to this cozy-when-it’s-cool comfort show.

and here’s why…

while i try my best to prioritize my thoughts and meditations on God’s word and the growth He’s continually pressing on my human heart, i’ve noticed my mind frequently returns to this show i’ve been spending so much time with. i saw an image on substack not long ago that stated,

“gen z loves gilmore girls cause it’s about a walkable community with no smart phones where everyone has an unlimited budget for eating out.”

while the eating out part doesn’t draw me in quite as much as the “walkable community” and “no smart phone” appeal, the statement helps me recognize the potential source of my slight infatuation. in stars hollow - the town where the show takes place - just about everywhere you need to go is within walking distance - the market, the local diner, the movies, the best friends. smart phones don’t yet exist, so it’s land lines, pagers, and the occasional flip phone to communicate from a distance. everyone knows everyone, and everyone takes care of everyone. role call for town meetings includes almost all of stars hollow’s participation, and community celebrations of historic or arbitrary traditions are not taken lightly.

man, if that isn’t the dream. to be so tightly woven into a community who cares and celebrates and shares and loves and embraces everyone’s kirks - i mean, quirks - and flaws. it’s not perfect, of course. there’s taylor’s and luke’s, messy breakups and awkward conflict. but that’s the beauty of it because they aren’t all just strangers sticking to their own lanes, detached from their neighbors and friends. everyone is involved in the mess.

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which also brings me to another, possibly more universally beloved show, friends. filmed at the tail end of the twentieth century, this show really knows what life is like without cell phones. as a girl who falls in the gen z era, i’ve never known what that has felt like and find myself envious. in friends, six late-twenties best friends (and sometimes lovers) live across the hall from each other in new york city apartments, the tenants of one apartment unapologetically frequenting the other.

again - sounds amazing. best friends basically all living together, sharing high highs and low lows. monica essentially feeds the whole group, and through effortless hospitality, there is a deep sensation of home and belonging for all of them. there’s a place for the blonde who’s maybe not all there, the psychotic clean/control freak, the nerdy paleontologist, the guy who’s kind of girly, the half-witted actor, and the pretty face who left a man at the altar and got cut off from daddy’s money. together, they fight, laugh, cry, love, and occasionally partake in adult activities that maybe shouldn’t be our influential lifestyle takeaway here. ;)

now. disclaimer. i know these are just shows. and though i’d like to believe this was how jolly life was before my existence in 2001, i’m sure that’s not all true. community and hospitality don’t always come easy no matter what era you’re living in. but as life has slowed down for me and i’m living in a new place in my own home, my thoughts frequently drift to ways community can be built in my life now and down the line. i’ve started to realize i’m happy to accomplish nothing in life (of worldly standard) if only i can someday cultivate that kind of community wherever i eventually establish roots.

side note - my parents are both incredibly hospitable people. there are few summers i remember growing up where we didn’t have people living in our home. we hosted book sellers from all parts of europe, olympic speed skaters, college students, visitors from africa, close friends and family, young hockey players from russia and mexico - the list goes on. my parents are the first to host super bowl parties, bible study gatherings, staff christmas celebrations, last-minute barbecues, and more. i have always loved growing up in this kind of environment, and i’ve seen the profound care given and received between my parents and the communities they’ve been a part of.

this, a gilmore girls/friends/my parents type of community, is quite literally my new dream. and i want it to be a dream that spreads like jam on a warm butter biscuit (haha, yum). i think there are tons of little things we can be intentional about to make this vision a reality. i’ve whipped together a mini list here, but there are so many ways to get creative with it. let’s flip the switch on isolation and start being neighborly. we can start opening our homes to unexpected faces and see how the Lord works in unexpected ways. we all need people to lean on. be interruptible. initiate the invitation. stop waiting for someone else to do it.

fifteen ways to cultivate community:

1. bake sweet treats or a meal for your neighbor. or better yet, invite them over for a meal.

2. stop and chat with someone on your walk. maybe they have a friendly dog you can pet or cute kids saying hi or you have a compliment for them. break the ice! take a minute!

3. host a neighborhood summer night cookout or bonfire. stay in the front yard or on the driveway and invite anyone walking by!

4. share a cozy morning coffee on the porch with a friend. read a book! no one sits on porches anymore…

5. have a tea party. cause that sounds fun and cute.

6. bring your coworkers coffee. or anyone a coffee for a caffeinated pick-me-up!

7. offer to babysit. make a homemade craft, bless a young family.

8. host a holiday party. or any themed party.

9. craft and pizza night! get creative.

10. give to the homeless. help the lady you always see on the side of the road, donate to a shelter, volunteer at a shelter. we need to stop overlooking these people in need. they’re a part of the community, too.

11. send a letter/write a postcard. postcards are easy!

12. get someone a bouquet of flowers. just because.

13. serve at church. one of the best ways to build community and get plugged in.

14. call a grandparent or loved one. or a close-by friend just to call!

15. knock on someone’s door. no one does this anymore. show up to a friends house with sweets to say hi or mow a neighbor’s lawn. stop! being! awkward! strangers!

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okay, my list might be fluffy and directionless. i was going to add get cat food for the stray kitties around your neighborhood because they need love too, but that’s a little irrelevant.

the point is this - be intentional. think of others before yourself. start small. just get the focus on those around you. preaching to myself here too.

“and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” - hebrews 10:24-25

tell me about a fun community/hospitable thing you’ve been a part of! have you ever been in a place or at an event or around people that maybe felt a little like stars hollow? i wanna hear! :’)

much, much love,

vanilla girl

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the other night i took myself on a date. i just moved to (yet another) new city and it was a saturday night. everyone’s out of town, i just got off work, i’m still in the process of making new friends - the perfect recipe to NOT sit alone in my apartment wallowing all night and go indulge in a little vanilla hobby of mine. it’s vanilla because i’m not a pro… i’m only semi-okay at it, which is an accurate description of pretty much all my hobbying abilities. (psa: it’s okay to start new things when you’re older!!)

i decided north carolina is way too heckin’ hot, so my antidote was this: pick up an iced coffee, blast some christmas tunes, and hit the rink. heat stroke = CURED. i skated for about two and a half hours. the ice was freshly groomed, my blades weren’t too dull from missing a winter season of use, and i popped my headphones right in, grinning like a maniac while I carved and swayed to the rhythm of Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.” haven’t felt that kinda bliss since… well, since dancing to “Mamma Mia” on a catamaran off the coast of Santorini, or galloping a horse through South Dakota summer pastures in denim overalls.

those are the big little moments i’ve been collecting like seashells in a glass bottle this year to pull out and admire when all the hard moments of the last several months feel a bit too heavy.

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the notion of patience has come up a number of times in the last few weeks at friday night fellowship dinners or my morning quiet time. observations of God making promises to His people, but often taking years to fulfill them, frequently appears. Or He goes about it in a round-about/hard-to-understand way. i’ve been reading in Exodus, and the Lord just sent ten abhorrent plagues to Egypt, hardening Pharaoh’s heart over and over again before Pharaoh finally decides to let the Israelites (God’s children) go. why? i don’t understand it, and i might not be meant to, but regardless, God was in control, and Moses and Aaron continued to obey Him in faith until the deliverance came.

“rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” - 1 thessalonians 5:16-18

it’s hard for me to believe that we aren’t ALL pretty much ALWAYS in a waiting season. so as i wait for the healing, wait for the answers, wait for the feeling of settledness and community and *cough cough* cooler temperatures, i continue to embrace the quiet moments within it all. the sweet moments alone where i get to laugh with and encourage the divorced mom resiliently teaching herself to ice skate. the tender moment i was encouraged by someone else for my bravery in doing something alone. the little seashells of time that deserve space in the my bottled collection as well.

“for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” - hebrews 12:11

let me tell ya, my circumstances this year have made me quick to complain, hesitant to praise, and tempted to throw myself pity parties no one is showing up to. my heart has not been filled with nearly enough hope and gratitude. but this day, right now, i am. to me, that’s the Lord providing me my daily bread, and how nourishing that is to experience.

love and blessings,

vanilla girl

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this image was my lock screen recently. how that is relevant to pure hearts and vanilla girls and 100 degree north carolina summer heat? it’s not. but it sparks simple ecstasy that mirrors my motives for the joy i pray to imbue within my publication of words. (i apologize in advance for my obnoxious application of alliteration - HAHA okay, I’m done, that’s annoying).

cue: “skating” by vince guaraldi.

snoopy is contentedly devouring a collection of words and an abundance of bones, throwing all caution to the wind as charlie brown stands nearby. a desirable state of mind if you ask me. it’s a happy scene, yet it reminds me a little of our “consumer society.” scroll, read, tap, *munch*, repeat. i can’t help but wonder if the newborn existence of this page is now adding another brick to that endlessly growing empire. to be honest, i don’t love listening to podcasts or scrolling through stacks that offer “how to…” or “what it really means…” or “becoming whatever-it-is-people-need-to-become-these-days.”

some reads or listens can be gentle and needed reminders. others just seem to add to the bickering noise already blocking out the only Voice I feel is worth listening to. regardless, few ever seem to leave me feeling i have new keys to a handful of life’s problems.

so i ask my hypocritical self the point of creating this substack if not to contribute to the consumer “let-me-inspire-you!” clutter. honestly, this page is born out of a dream to someday publish a book on my own adventures (or lack thereof) as a vanilla girl, and how that beholds adventures opposite of initial impressions. more on that later.

but it comes from the perspective of eyes which have always been fixed on the King of Kings and knows no different. one that’s a metaphorical snoopy deeply rooted in a different Truth of the world which supplies a bottomless bowl of undeserved blessings.

if none of that makes sense, call me crazy in the comments below ;) (and exasperating for using more alliteration). but whatever this page becomes, i pray it invites you in like warm honey tea on a rainy day (or fresh bones on a snowy one) and that you see not i, but Christ in me. or i pray you see simple blessings meaningful to you in something endlessly meaningful to me - words and the power within them.

much love,

vanilla girl

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