I won’t bore anyone with a super long intro though, so, let’s just get into some of the fun books I got to read the past month!

Ninth House - Leigh Barbugo

This was a super long book and usually that’s something that scares me off a little bit because it’s a serious time commitment. But I actually really enjoyed it! It’s definitely slow to start and a little hard to understand at first. It’s not really until the middle that you start to catch on to everything that’s happening. However, I will say, I don’t normally read fantasy, so maybe it was just a little harder to get into because it’s a new genre for me. It does pay off to stick with it though because once I got into the storyline, I couldn’t put it down.

Ninth House is especially fun because it’s a mix between the real world and fantasy. Galaxy, the main character, ends up at Yale after a series of very traumatic events. Everything takes place on and around Yale’s campus, but the secret societies at Yale are involved with magic, ghosts, and the underworld. I won’t say much more because it’s all part of the story and what’s revealed slowly throughout. But there’s a lot of fun twists and turns that kept me at the edge of my seat. I highly recommend if you’re a fantasy fan.

She’s A Lamb - Meredith Hambrock

I posted about this book already in my notes because it is just that good! This book is exceptional. It’s probably one of my favorite books I’ve ever read in my life. Hambrock executes the unreliable narrator device so well and Jessamyn, the main character, has such a distinct voice and personality. When reading books from first person perspective, sometimes I find the writing to be too polished and the character never really has a voice. However, Jessamyn is the complete opposite. I know her voice and character so well.

Jessamyn is an actress who is vying for a part in the Sound of Music. When, she doesn’t get cast and instead ends up on the crew as the childminder for the kids playing the Von Trapps, she begins her descent into insanity. I loved every second of this book. It only took 3 days for me to finish, I couldn’t bring myself to put it down. So many crazy things happen in this book and it just gets wilder and wilder. I swear I’m not crazy, but I did really see parts of myself in Jessamyn and thought she was a really relatable character, even though she’s absolutely insane. I think everyone should read this! It’s 10/10, so incredible.

Play It As It Lays - Joan Didion

I know, I know, it’s kind of a Substack cliche to read Didion. But this book was genuinely an amazing read. Beyond the feminist themes, which is what Didion is known for, there were so many layers and mystery to this. In my opinion, I think the vagueness of this book leaves a lot up for interpretation. The reader can decide how they view Maria and her story. And I think every person’s interpretation will be wildly different, especially when it comes to the ending.

Maria lives in Los Angeles and is an actress who hasn’t gotten work in a while. She has a tumultuous relationship with her husband, Carter, who’s a film director. She has one daughter who is in a psych ward and only a couple close friends. Play It As It Lays, simply follows a short period in her life when things start to go wrong for her. It’s such a beautiful story with such a simple plot. As a woman, it’s incredibly relatable and I think the ending is probably one of the best of any book I’ve read. It’s touching and sad and depressing and heartfelt. The book really puts you through every emotion and by the end, you completely understand Maria and who she is as a person.

Trad Wife - Saratoga Schaefer

Oh my gosh. This book is absolutely insane in all the best ways. I couldn’t put this down. It’s such a great satire on trad wife culture on social media, while also being incredibly terrifying. This is both a psychological horror and a body horror. There’s so many creepy elements and gorey descriptions. It was so much fun and the writing is incredible.

Camille is a wannabe trad wife influencer and the only thing she doesn’t have to fit the image is a child. Her pregnancy tests are always negative and her husband is cold and rapidly pulling away from her. One day, she goes to the eery wishing well behind their property and wishes for a baby. After that, weird events start occuring. My favorite part about this book is that initially, you have zero sympathy for Camille and her lifestyle, but as the book goes on and you find out more about her life, you start to feel for her and understand her. By the end, I was cheering her on and rooting for her, even though things got very intense and crazy. If you’re into modern horror, I think you’d love this book.

Ok! That’s all the books I’ve read the past month and a half. I really loved this month of reading and truly enjoyed every book I’ve read. I will say, I’m certainly not picky and I think a lot of people are more judgy and picky when it comes to books than I am, but honestly, I’m just happy to be reading and enjoying other peoples stories. I have been lucky with my latest book picks though! Here’s to hoping I’m just as lucky with books in the end of July and August! I linked all the books in the headers so if you are interested, you can see more information on all of them!! Thanks for reading :)

the problem is, my new gym is just as bad. i’m usually the only woman there, sometimes accompanied by the occasional older woman who gets on the treadmill right next to me, even though there’s ten other ones open.

most the clientele is teenage boys. they all seem to be between the ages of 13 and 21. they’re poorly behaved, film each other, block equipment while glued to their phones, and sometimes go out of their way to make fun of other gym goers. thankfully, i’ve never been bothered by them, but i watch as they make fun of older people, heavier gym goers, and any woman who dares leave the cardio area and step foot in the weights section.

i tend to be uncomfortable in any male dominated space. i’m constantly consuming media that’s warning women of the dangers of men, the new social media trends they’re participating in to embarrass and humiliate us, and the overall uptick in violence against women. call it confirmation bias if you’d like, but it seems like men just get worse and worse.

and yet, when you go on social media or read the news, there’s hundreds of men claiming to be “lonely”.

the male loneliness epidemic.

men aren’t lonely, they just aren’t willing to evolve in a society that no longer exclusively caters to their needs.

my mom shared a Guardian article with me the other day about men masturbating in public on female shoppers while filming it. these men are part of online communities where they share this footage with one another, sometimes even profiting off of it. they commiserate about being lonely whilst degrading women, but are still confused why no one wants to date them. the article even describes them as “lonely men”.

something i think a lot of women have experienced to some degree is trying to bring up some uncomfortable, borderline antisocial behavior to a male coworker, family member, or friend, and offer up advice to change it. they refuse, acting like it’s part of their identity. too obstinant to want to adapt and better themselves as a person. but then you have to sit through yet another conversation about how life is hard for men now, women don’t appreciate them, women don’t say thanks when men hold the door, or women don’t engage in uncomfortable small talk with them anymore. you sometimes have to sit through another conversation about men’s mental health. or at least see a conversation about it on social media.

because, as women, men make sure that we never forget that they have higher suicide rates than us. as if suicide is a mere competition to one up each other, rather than a serious epidemic and societal issue.

but male suicide rates are higher, not because they have harder lives than women, but because they are more violent and rarely seek out help.

in the U.S. men are 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide than women, as per data provided by BBC in 2019. however, according to the NIH, women attempt suicide more often than men do. a fact that men frequently leave out from their arguments about suicide rates. the truth is, men successfully commit suicide because their methods are more violent. 6 in 10 gun owners in the U.S. are male and firearms account for over half of male suicides.

but men also tend to refuse therapy. which leads to later self-harm, violence, and complex mental health issues. according to the CDC, 24.7% (1 in 4) of women receive therapy in comparison to 13.4% of men. women are also way more willing than men to receive medication for mental health issues.

what does this have to do with loneliness?

well, now more than ever, women are taking care of themselves independently by going to therapy, dealing with mental health, and pursuing higher education and careers. while men are still stubborn about seeking the help they need, which leads to substance abuse, violence, and outcomes that not only effect themselves, but effect the people around them later on.

as well as this, social media’s prevalence leads to young men being able to consume unregulated extreme content at the press of a button. 73% of adolescent boys regularly encounter masculinity-related content on social media, 23% are highly exposed to this content.

masculinity-related content, sometimes referred to as the manosphere, black pill, red pill, and/or looksmaxxing are all extreme forms of influencing that tell young men what they have to look like or act like to be a “man”. it’s a very exaggerated form of toxic masculinity, popularized by creators like Andrew Tate. Tate was recently arrested for rape and sex trafficking. these are the types of men that teenage boys and young men are looking up to. clavicular is a recently popularized, peter thiel endorsed, black pill influencer. clavicular degrades women and encourages men to smash their bones with hammers to achieve better bone structure.

here’s a disturbing video of andrew tate, clavicular, and nick fuentes (a real avengers assemble of terrible internet personalities) at a nightclub in miami singing Kanye’s song titled “Heil Hilter”:

this type of content is incel-adjacent, but in a way even more dangerous. looksmaxxers are deeply insecure men (and occasionally women) who revolve their entire livelihood on their looks and how to “ascend”. they’ve created charts and nicknames to group people into different looks categories that are apparently supposed to define a person’s self worth and speculate on how they are treated in society.

this corner of the internet is an echo chamber of insecure people encouraging kids and teenagers to be insecure as well.

women aren’t as susceptible to the black pill content. for years women have been pushed capitalism fueled lies about what’s wrong with our bodies and how much money we have to spend to achieve these unrealistic body standards. however, the focus on men’s looks is relatively new, at least to this of an extreme. they don’t know how to deal with it.

although it’s a grave men have dug for themselves on social media, the pendulum of insecurity swings from self hatred back to misogyny.

mixed in with messages of toxic masculinity, self-harm, and a desire to impress other men, influencers like Tate and clavicular spend a lot of time hating on women. not surprising at all, but when the content is so widespread it becomes dangerous.

Various studies report that the rise in manosphere content has resulted in an increase of violence against women. even in mainstream media, on shows such as Adolescence, they cover, in detail, the dangers of this type of content.

when incels and manosphere participants started pushing the idea that women need to be a certain weight to be “dateable”, women on social media pushed back, making jokes about only wanting to date tall guys. even though these men were the ones who started the argument, their napoleon complexes kicked in and their insults becoming even more specific and pointed.

“hiplet” is a new term circulating social media. created by looksmaxxers/incels to degrade women who have hip dips, these men claim that it’s just not “sexually appealing” for a woman to have hip dips. funny because about 80% of women have some varying degree of hip dips. so maybe these men just don’t like women?

the unfortunate thing is that these terms would be hidden away in reddit forms or private chat rooms before the popularization of tiktok. now, women who are posting with friends have to deal with “hiplet” or other degrading comments on their posts.

studies show that on tiktok, the journey into extreme content is alarmingly easy for young men. it normally starts with gym content or money content, the types of things that interest boys. this content leads to more aggressive gym content that encourages men to be “high value”, that they are worthless if they aren’t strong. from there, men start getting videos that encourage the use of substances (peptides, steroids) or harmful methods to achieve unrealistic gym goals. at that point, the algorithm has fully submerged them into the manosphere. more and more videos pop up that detail violence against women, promote self-harm, and pull very young men into insecurity while also demanding that they have animosity towards women. these creators tell their audience that women have too high of expectations, that they don’t deserve all that they ask for, and the men who take in this content believe it.

what does “lonely” really mean to these men? they usually have a family, friends, and are often deeply entrenched in these dangerous online communities.

i think porn is the answer to this question.

men crave a form of intimacy that isn’t entirely realistic and they’re correlating it with their loneliness.

an estimated 57% (or more) of young men between the ages of 18-25 have watched porn in the past month. pornhub receives around 130 million site visits per day. in the U.S. around 84% of boys between the ages of 14-18 had admitted to already seeing porn. and often, men in the U.S. blame their “loneliness” for their problematic porn intake.

MILF, hentai, anal, and lesbian were the most popular genres on pornhub last year. which, let’s be honest, is not exactly realistic examples of healthy relationships for a heterosexual male.

i dared to go onto pornhub for the first time in my life, for the sake of this essay, to see the most popular searches of the day.

asian anal, hijab, latina, and stepson were top 4. not only are 3/4 shockingly racist, the other one is borderline incestous. disturbing.

porn mixed with manosphere content and general social media use leads men to have wildly unrealistic expectations of a woman’s body.

so, yeah, men are sexually lonely. but only because they think that their future girlfriend should be a virgin that has anime proportions. women have the common sense to realize that prosthetic penises (the rare few times there’s male nudity) and chris hemsworth’s god-like body in marvel movies isn’t realistic in real life. but men either don’t think it through that much or they think they’re deserving of some unrealistically beautiful woman.

red pill content from creators like andrew tate and clavicular tell men that they are entitled to sex with women, that they deserve it because they are men. tate told men that rape was just a “feminist conspiracy”, that, instead, men have a divine right to have sex with any woman they desired.

the “online rape academy” that CNN reported on , had over 64 million site visits.

men celebrated conor mcgregor’s return to UFC even though he recently was in court for assaulting a woman so bad she had to have a tampon surgically removed.

men aren’t lonely. men crave to live in the type of world where women are at their beck and call. men want to face no consequences for their actions against women. men want a sex slave and maid, not a girlfriend.

the rise of the male loneliness epidemic is just another form of manipulation. men want to guilt women for their independence. it’s a way for men to avoid the fact that it’s time for them to evolve to current relationship standards and current societal norms. it’s a way to diminish women who speak out about real world issues. it’s conservative propaganda to enrage men about women no longer just existing to get married and start families.

some people might angrily think i’m making the same generalizations about men that manosphere men make about women. but women have statistics, real experiences to actualize these claims.

every minute, 1.3 forcible rapes occur against women in America, that’s 78 women an hour. 1 in 8 American women have been raped at least once in their life. 78% of women experience rape at the hands of a man that was close to them, a man they trusted. Over 80% of women have experienced some form of sexual harassment or assault.

1 in 3 women worldwide experience some form of physical violence in their life. a quarter of women 15-49 have faced violence at the hands of a male partner.

in the U.S., 1 in 5 women experience sexual violence from a male partner, 1 in 4 experienced physical violence from a male partner, and 1 in 8 were stalked by a male partner. 16 million women say they’ve experienced violence in their relationship before the age of 18.

in Italy, around 32,000 men were nonconsensually sharing intimate images of women in a group online.

meanwhile, deepfake and AI porn is gaining popularity. women’s images are being used without their knowledge to create nude videos and pictures that men are sharing on social media.

Elon Musk’s AI platform Grok filled X with sexualized images of women and children. 23,000 of the 3 million images were of young kids. it was estimated that 190 sexual images were being created per minute for over a week.

England and Wales have declared violence against women a “national emergency” because of the 37% increase over the past 5 years.

the UN reported that femicide has reached a 20 year peak, even though overall homicide rates are decreasing.

this is a global issue and while i’m fully aware that not every single man is doing terrible things, these instances happen way too frequently to call it a minority anymore. millions of men are participating in aggressive online communities, the number of women getting assaulted increases rapidly, and conservatism continues to rise amongst young men.

So, men can argue “not all men” as much as they want. They can claim to be lonely at no fault of their own.

but, in my opinion, men aren’t lonely enough.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling

I love Mindy Kaling. The Mindy Project is one of my favorite shows and I just think she’s so funny and very inspiring for women who want to work in entertainment or comedy. This book was so good, so funny, and exceeded all my expectations. Unlike Amy Poehler’s book (which I wrote about in my last book related post), Mindy Kaling isn’t scared to share embarrassing stories, dig deep into her personal life, and give helpful tips to women who want to pursue the same career as her. One of my other favorite shows is The Office, and in this book, Mindy dives into her time writing for and acting on the show. She gives anecdotes about her costars and background information on popular episodes and plots. However, my favorite part about this book was it’s relatability. The stories from her childhood and teenage years are embarrassing but universal. She shares things that most people wouldn’t talk about and she does it in the funniest way possible. I adore Mindy Kaling even more after reading this.

Cat’s Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut

Slaughterhouse-Five is one of the best books I’ve ever read, so, a while ago I picked this book up at a really cute bookstore in Malibu (Malibu Village Books). It’s been sitting around and I finally decided it was time to give it a read. In Cat’s Cradle, he meshes our real world with a fantastical satire on religion based on real historical events. The magic of Vonnegut is that he can write something that no one else would ever be able to pull off and in my opinion, Cat’s Cradle is proof of this even more than Slaughterhouse-Five. From the perspective of a man researching the creator of the atomic bomb, he goes on an insane journey, ending up discovering the island of San Lorenzo and their complicated religion called Bokononism that tells its followers that everything is a lie. I know it sounds confusing, but the world is crafted so beautifully that you almost forget that none of it is real. Vonnegut explores the absurdity of people’s need for meaning and religion, showing the reader how meaningless life is, even when we place faith into empty things. The book takes many twists and turns leading to a wild and explosive ending. I highly recommend this book.

In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash - Jean Shepherd

A Christmas Story is my favorite Christmas movie (along with Elf, of course) and this is the book that inspired it. Jean Shepherd shares real stories from his childhood through a fake character, Ralphie. Since Shepherd narrates the film as well, I could hear his voice in my head the whole time reading. The novel follows Ralphie as an adult visiting from New York. He goes to his best friend, Flick’s bar, and they reminisce on their childhood, which leads into the anecdotes that inspired A Christmas Story. Set in the time of the Depression, it’s a great look at the time period from a more positive light than how other books and films tend to portray it. Shepherd highlights the connection of family, friends, and neighbors during the time. He rarely focuses on the fact it was the Depression or that his family was short on money, since the memories come from his childhood, they’re all told from a place of childlike wonder and rose colored glasses, which makes it a positive experience for readers. He shares stories about candy, movie theaters, and first dates. It’s a fun, light-hearted read. And I loved it.

Okay! That’s it for now. I’m a slow reader, so three books in 2 months is a real accomplishment for me. I’m hoping to be more consistent with my writing on here, especially since I’m trying to get in practice for college in a few months.

Till next time :)

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i’ve always been scared of things related to my eyes. it took years to be able to use an eyelash curler (which by the way, they do look like medieval torture devices). when i was younger, i saw a woman on the shakey subway curling her eyelashes. i thought she was brave. and i thought “i’m never going to do that. ever”.

for a while, when i was fourteen, i convinced myself that i was going blind. spoiler alert: i wasn’t.

moral of the story, my eyes are a touchy topic. only a couple years ago was i able to put on lash clusters, which is the closest my fingers have ever gotten to my eyes.

i also hate doctors. i love medicine and science and being able to treat illness. but my nervous system freaks out at the doctor. i think it’s called white coat syndrome or something. my blood pressure always spikes when that evil arm wrap starts squeezing the living hell out of my bicep. my heart rate is at a consistent 100 bpm. i’m far too anxious for the doctor.

recently i’ve had to overcome this fear due to really bad allergies. along with a sinus infection and constant tissue use, i also scratched my eye. which has resulted in my own personal hell of blurry vision, teary eyes, and a runny nose.

on this past saturday, i went to the emergency room after waking up with a swollen red eye. they poked and prodded at my eyes while the heart rate monitor screamed at them, embarrassingly alerting the nurse that my heart was beating over 125 bpm.

“are you anxious or something?” the nurse asked.

yes. yes i am. if you couldn’t already tell.

they referred me to the ophthalmologist.

the ophthalmologist is like exposure therapy. it obligates me to endure the things i hate the most.

while i was sitting in the chair, bright light blinding me, while a doctor who had an eerily similar voice to bill hader (my ideal man, by the way) flipped my eyelids upwards multiple times, i thought to myself: i can’t believe this is my life.

but you know what’s amazing. i, today, did quite possibly the most challenging thing for my anxiety. and i survived. i survived the nurses and doctors. i survived the continuous flow of eye drops. i survived the eyelid flipping and the bright lights. and i’m fine.

as hard as it’s been to feel like i’m dying from intense allergies and a sudden onset of weird vision. this experience has reminded me that i’m capable of a lot more than i give myself credit for.

when i was sitting in the waiting room with my mom while my eyes were dilating, i said, “after this, i think i can do anything”.

it was partially a joke but also partially true. i’ve overcome a lot of my fears and anxieties, just by sitting in a chair looking into a bright light. and that’s pretty awesome.

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i thought it would be fun to do a little collective, interactive tarot reading for march! so without further ado…. scroll down to the picture of the three crystals and really think about which one is calling to you the most! then you can scroll down and find the reading that matches the crystal :) i hope you enjoy and connect with your reading!!

The Crystals

which crystal resonates the most with you?

1. amethyst

2. rose quartz

3. black obsidian

go with your gut feeling. sometimes it’s easy to overthink which crystal is calling to you the most, but whichever one your eyes are pulled to, is the right one for you.

Group 1 - Amethyst

this reading is super interesting! you might be juggling a lot right now or feel overwhelmed with life in general and everything going on. that’s what the two of pentacles is telling me. you seem very put together and calm and like you always have everything under control, so other people may saddle you with more tasks or just assume everything is okay. and maybe you are managing just fine right now, but it’s taking up almost all of your energy.

the emperor shows me that instead of trying to destress or change the workload and overwhelm you have, instead you're maybe working harder or trying to be even more disciplined as a way to deal with the issue. you’re kind of stuck in this energy right now, hoping it’ll pay off but sometimes pushing yourself harder or taking on more tasks, isn’t the right move.

in march, the universe is urging you to instead take on the energy of the hanged man. you must pause and surrender to gain a new perspective on your situation. right now, you’re in the thick of it and can’t see things from the outside. the hanged man is asking you to step back and look at your situation in a different way. sometimes, you need to surrender and trust the universe. that doesn’t mean give up or quit. it just means letting go of trying to control everything and let things flow. this could mean side lining work or tasks that aren’t super urgent. it could mean doing something relaxing to take care of yourself. anything that will give you a break and maybe a new perspective on your life. it could really help you think of new solutions for your problems.

in march remember the meaning of spring. just like in nature, spring brings a time for renewal, time to bloom, and become maybe a newer and better version of yourself. you just have to trust the universe <3

Group 2 - Rose Quartz

you’ve been anxious lately. maybe not being able to sleep, waking up anxious, having nightmares, overthinking. things just seem very stressful. that’s the energy coming from the 9 of swords. whether it’s work, a relationship, or something entirely different. there’s been a lot weighing down on you this past month.

however… good news! the 8 of wands signals that the month of march is bringing positive and quick change and growth. things all of a sudden may feel like they’re picking up in pace. whatever you’ve been stressing about no longer needs to cause you anxiety. life is going to shift fast but don’t let it overwhelm you, it’s bringing you to where you’re supposed to go. this may be a new job, a new relationship, promotion or growth in your current job, pushing through problems in a relationship you’re already in, a move, a vacation, something life changing.

the hierophant is the universes advice on what kind of energy you need to embody to make sure this fast paced month of march is as positive as possible. it’s urging you to keep structure in your life instead of getting swept away in overwhelm or too much excitement. find something (or someone) to ground yourself in: a belief system, a parent, a mentor, or a friend. it’s okay to enjoy your life as you level up but the most positive change comes when you stay grounded and down to earth as you succeed and achieve your dreams!

enjoy march and remember not to get too wrapped up in anxiety. let go of that 9 of swords energy! this may just be your most life changing month yet <3

Group 3 - Black Obsidian

the knave of swords is the energy you’re in right now. you’re curious, energetic, full of creativity and ideas. (of course you are! you’re on substack). but you might not know exactly how to convey all your ideas properly or where to direct all that creativity. it’s easy to get caught up in what you THINK you have to do when you’re seeing others online have success doing specific things. but your calling is different. you should be sharing your creativity in a unique and different way.

the king of wands is telling you to be confident in yourself and your creativity. in march, you should choose to be more decisive in your creativity. share the things you aren’t sure others will relate to, share what you’ve been editing over and over and nitpicking, and most importantly, don’t focus on likes and followers and the algorithm. you’re meant to share your art and you should be confident in the fact that will find the right people.

however, take this advice from the universe: the knight of swords wants to make sure you don’t burn out or do too much too fast. don’t churn too much out at once. continue to hold yourself to a high standard, just understand that you rightfully should be more confident in sharing your work.

the month of march will be a very important month in your creative growth. this is when you should go all in and commit to sharing your art in the way you want to (not the way you see others doing it).

i’m wishing you so so so much luck on your creative journey <3

i hope you enjoyed your reading and resonated! this was a lot of fun to do!

i’m wishing you soooo much success and joy and creativity in the month of march! thank you for reading :)

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i decided i wanted to try something new. substack is a hotbed of really well written essays about celebrities and pop culture and being a woman and living life in magical ways. however, i’ve come to the realization that maybe that kind of writing isn’t my strong suit. i know it’s the best way to get subscribers but i want to share more personal things. the more dull, day to day things we all deal with. sadly, we can’t all be whimsical thought daughters.

i’m not an aesthetic person, nor do i live an aesthetic life. while people share images of their bedside tables perfectly laid out with jewlery and thrifted goods, i direct my attention to my bedside table: a shrine for my terrible allergies that includes various allergy medications (that never work), a humidifier, and nasal spray. that’s my reality. and i’m not trying to curate my life any other way. i like to share my tarot cards and manifestation content but i also want to keep it real. sometimes loving life and manifesting positive things is deeper than living a life that looks good on pinterest. and sometimes, no matter what, there’s some things we can’t avoid. like doing jobs that make us miserable.

three days ago i started a new job. i’m at the stage in my life where i am not gifted with the option of doing things i love and instead am left to do the humilitation ritual that is a minimum wage food service job.

i’ve worked a lot of jobs in the short time i’ve been legally able to work. reception, barista, sales, host, and now line cook. i’ve done it all.

i wish i was one of those people who could make money doing what i love. but i am not. i also have the mindset of a way more privleged person when it comes to working a minimum wage job, in the sense that i feel like i shouldn’t have to do it. however, my invite to the entitled rich girl party has been lost in translation and i have to work at panera bread.

don’t get me wrong. i do like to work. BUT i’m very specific about the types of work i like to do. and certain things are very hard for me to deal with. specifically, uncleanliness in food industry jobs.

today, as i stared at a piece of chicken floating in balsamic vinegar, i thought about all the ways i could kill myself at work.

i directed my attention to the bread knife. a little too dramatic in my opinion. plus, chicken pieces in salad dressing is bad enough, no one needs blood in their food too. then i thought, well, i could probably drink a bunch of cleaning product. but that’s a hit or miss situation. the food grosses me out enough that quite possibly, i might die from pure disgust after digesting broccoli cheddar soup that somehow also contains droppings from all the other soups surrounding it.

then a caesar salad order popped up on my screen, successfully snapping me out of my cartoonish, dumb ways to die daze.

later in my shift, i also came to the conclusion that i would never eat out ever again.

as a vegetarian, realizing that even if i order something without meat, there might be meat remnants in it, really makes me sick. cold, pale grilled chicken pieces marinating for hours in salad dressing that’s being given to customers who may not want chicken in their food is a very creative type of hell.

i snapped back into my trance after my male coworker kept touching me and getting way too close to my face to say random things. nothing makes me more suicidal (and lets be honest, homicidal) when a man gets up in my personal space. leave me alone, please.

regardless, i’m very thankful that my biggest problem is having to show up to a job that i do get paid for (although, i get paid entirely too little) to handle meat and other gross foods. but it is humbling to realize that sometimes, you have to do things you don’t want to do and we aren’t all gifted with privliged lives.

in my ideal world, i’d be doing something artistic and creative. my only creativity today was making salads look pretty and imagining my death in a variety of ways.

but, i’m okay with this for now. i go to college in 6 months and future me will be thankful i saved up a little money. even if it means subjecting myself to floating chicken every once in a while.

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i just thought it would be fun to share my thoughts on each book i read :)

Rouge by Mona Awad

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Okay so confession… i actually started this book like 8 times over the past few months and then in the new year decided to lock in. i was hearing really good things about rouge and picked it up one day at the bookstore.

rouge is a psychological thriller and satire on the modern beauty industry and the lengths people will go to be “perfect”. the further in you get the more Lynchian it becomes, which is a feeling i’ve never seen captured in a book before.

in my opinion, it’s a little slow to start and throughout there are some slow bits or things that make absolutely no sense. but it does pay off in the end because most things are wrapped up and explained. the tom cruise thing is very interesting and probably the most confusing part of the book. what i gathered from it is that you’re supposed to interpret who he is and what he’s a metaphor for. i went down a reddit rabbithole of reading everyone’s theories which was honestly a lot of fun.

i highly recommend this book, you just have to blow through the first bit which is a little slow, but it’s worth the read for sure.

Yes Please by Amy Poehler

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐

the second book i read was amy poehler’s memoir. my mom bought me this book a while ago and i’d been meaning to read it. i love amy poehler and i love parks and rec.

i have mixed opinions on this book. i thought it was fun and lighthearted but it didn’t really capture her vibe the same way other people’s memoirs do. she did say at the very beginning of the book that she didn’t want to write a book in the first place and that feeling kind of carried throughout (and was mentioned many more times).

my favorite parts of the book were the stories about getting started in improv and her beginnings at SNL. there wasn’t very much about parks and rec, just a chapter that was co-written by michael shure (who created parks and rec). otherwise, it seems amy poehler has had a very easy life (which good for her!) but because of that there wasn’t tons of material for her to pull from for her book, at least, not in the same way as tina fey or mindy kaling.

The Book of X by Sarah Rose Etter

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐

if you like experimental books this is definitely one for you. honestly, i’ve never really read an experimental book before and i thought this one was interesting. it’s written in small blurbs, no chapters, and is split into three parts. the book focuses on a girl who was born with a knot in her torso that has deformed her body. her mother has it and her grandmother too. and in the world of the book, it is a medical phenomenon that everyone knows about. the book follows her through her time in high school into her adult life in the city up until her death.

one thing i did like about the book was the split between a surreal world and mundane life problems. she deals with family issues and boy problems but also seeks solace in a quarry that’s made of meat. it’s all very layered and odd. i think the strongest part of the book is the second part when she’s working in the city.

the first part where she’s in school, in my opinion, had too much focus on childhood sexual relationships. i would understand it in small bits, but it was pretty much the only focus of the first part of the book. i would’ve preferred more focus on her family dynamic and her character rather then having the idea that boys find her knot disgusting hammered into me as the reader. i guess just more character development early on would have been nice.

it seemed as if the book was supposed to be a feminist piece that focused on issues of womanhood. but for me, it seemed to slip way too much into focusing on body issues and male validation for it to actual be a comment on the things women go through. i always get a little bored with “feminist” literature that only focuses on surface level things. i would have loved more focus on other issues that we as women have to deal with besides wanting our stomachs to be flatter so men want to sleep with us. that’s a little stereotypical for me.

otherwise, i thought the writing style was very interesting and the ending was beautiful and i think tied together the main character’s journey really well.

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

so, i’m not done with the book yet. but i love it! i’ve been wanting to read this book forever and finally am getting the chance to. thankfully, my mom works for penguin random house and is able to get me all the penguin classic books for free (or discounted, i’m honestly not sure)!

i love the writing style so much. i mean, obviously, it’s oscar wilde, you’d expect nothing less than amazing writing. but sometimes, for me, older books can be kind of a tough read because of the way they’re written (i know that makes me sound like an idiot, i swear i’m not!!) but that’s not the case for this book at all. i can picture everything in my mind, i like the characters, i love the setting. i think it’s just a super fun book.

i’m now realizing there’s kind of a theme in the fictional books i’ve been reading. they’re all focused on physical vanity. i didn’t even realize that until now. rouge, book of x, and the picture of dorian gray are all about looks, vanity, and perfection (and if perfection is really even possible at all). i actually think rouge is very similar to the picture of dorian gray thematically. maybe mona awad was inspired by it while writing rouge.

i’m sure most everyone has read dorian gray, but if you haven’t, i highly highly highlyyyy recommend. if you were to read any of these 4 books, it should be this one.

anywho… that’s what i’ve read so far! i’m not a very fast reader, that’s one of my few character flaws (lol). but i do love to read. and deleting tiktok has made my life so much better for many reasons — a big one being that i feel like i’m able to just immerse myself in a book again.

if you got this far, thank you! and please send book recommendations in the comments!! i love hearing what people are reading and love adding new books to the list 💌

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my favorite kind of reality show is the dating ones. they’re cheesy and cringe and dramatic and i love every second of it.

and over the years of rotting my brain while watching these shows, i’ve noticed something. gosh! they do a great job of making these men look like trash.

but here’s the thing… maybe they don’t have to MAKE them look like trash. they just are.

i was telling my mom about love is blind. she refuses to watch reality shows because she’s smarter and cooler than me, and i’m sure she judges me for my television habits. but, to get revenge for her being cooler than me, i force her to listen to all the nitty gritty details of what i just watched.

love is blind is a masterclass of what to avoid in modern dating.

i hate modern dating. it’s stupid and feeds into the idea that a man can do the bare minimum and get rewarded for it. people act like you NEED to have a dating app to meet someone, except, generations older than us met people just fine without dating apps. and it’s all way too social media focused. “situationships” on snapchat, “talking stages”, not really going on real dates, but posting on tiktok to make bitches from high school jealous. it’s stupid.

anyway, now that i have that rant out of the way…

the concept of love is blind is amazing. so much now is focused on looks, and removing that aspect brings people together who would never meet in real life.

but when they meet in person, it seems like the concept of the show is lost on a lot of the contestants… and most of those lost, are, of course, the men.

there have been many studies recently on men and how they’re affected by porn and social media. it causes them to treat women negatively while also having very high standards for what a woman has to be and look like.

love is blind (and other reality dating shows) highlight how very very real this is.

other reality shows, like love island, are filled with beautiful women who have had many plastic surgery procedures. whether it’s a boob job or insane amounts of lip filler, they all look like a certain instagram ideal that’s become so popular. the men love the BBL of it all. it’s almost expected. they drool when a new bombshell enters the villa, saying “i love her curves” in their talking head, or crassly just admitting she “has a great ass”. they drop their connection to focus in on the new girl with a slightly bigger ass, even if they have no chemistry with her at all.

and i just want to make my own little PSA and say that i’m not faulting women for this. beauty standards are very real and very odd. what i am focusing on is how strange men act depending on a woman’s looks.

on the newest season of love is blind, a contestant named devonta, a man of color, was absolutely horrified when he met his fiance, brittany, and saw she was black. then, if that wasn’t bad enough, he said “you know, that’s something i’ve never actually dated… let alone proposed to.” yes! that’s right folks. he referred to his fiance as a “thing” because he (as a man of color just pointing that out again!!) doesn’t date women of color. alright….

people on reddit were outraged by this, rightfully. pointing out that he very clearly profiled her by her name, brittany, assuming she was probably a white woman. men do this constantly on love is blind, trying to figure out what a woman looks like without asking outright.

devonta is just one moment of many in love is blind history where the men LOVE a woman’s personality and are ten toes down ready to get married and have twenty babies and then bang! all of a sudden they see her face and are all of a sudden very passionate about waiting till marriage to be intimate.

(of course, this has happened with women not loving how a guy looks. but the women tend to be more into the personality then looks and if someone isn’t their type, they still try to make things work. the men are not as kind.)

another very memorable moment is chelsea from season 6. she was obviously very insecure. HOWEVER, the megan fox thing was completely blown out of proportion and jimmy wouldn’t let it go. (btw, megan fox herself said she could see the resemblance and you know what, i do too).

sometimes, the mens displeasure for their fiance’s appearance isn’t as overt. it’ll come out in sly little comments and rude remarks that snowball as the show goes on.

bartiste (god i hated him!) and nancy was a terrible example of a man with too high of standards that manifested themself as increasingly ruder comments. nancy, who was beautiful and way out of bartiste’s league, wasn’t good enough for him and his huge ego. for some reason, he saw himself as a “headturner” and a 10 out of 10. making multiple comments about how nancy could lose weight or how looks matter and she didn’t “match him”. taking it a step further by hyper fixating on raven, a tall, muscular pilates instructor who was partnered up with someone else. bartiste thought that raven was more of a head turner then nancy and that he and raven would be some sort of hot power couple that would make a room go silent when they entered it. SNOREEEEE! nancy was way too good for him and her family clocked him almost immediately when he started making little comments to them (going as far as to tell her brother that he’ll make sure to keep her in shape… weird).

and my final example (however i could go on and on) is zanab and cole. when cole met zanab everything was fine. things went downhill when colleen entered the picture. she was the other girl cole talked to who he cut things off with because he thought their personalities didn’t match. she’s a blonde ballet dancer who exudes girl next door energy and apparently, the exact type of girl cole always dated. instead of acknowledging this, moving on, and accepting the fact that he vibed more with zanab. he told zanab she was a 9/10 and colleen was a 10/10. wtf dude. his comments snowballed too and he clearly was hung up on looks, although he danced around it for the cameras to not look like a complete dick (spoiler alert: he still looked like a complete dick).

all this to say, i’ve come to the conclusion that these dating shows are a great example of what women should watch out for while dating.

below all the melodrama and lip filler, you find very real characteristics of the type of men you’ll meet while dating. it shows you first hand the microaggressions that might start almost unnoticeable but have the potential to grow into full blown abuse. it shows you the type of men who say the same lines to women on dates to manufacture a feeling of connection, even though it’s fake.

when i watch these men, i build this mental checklist in my head of all their icky behaviors. some men are overly enthusiastic about having kids, others hammer in the idea that their wife should be exercising while pregnant to not gain weight, others are anti birth control.

soooo here are some archetypes i’ve created based on the men from love is blind. everything you should watch out for. so take a scroll through these dating profiles and see what you should avoid:

The Full Package

Height: 6’2 apparently…

Education: Dropped out of college but still thinks he’s smarter than you

Loves: making sure they feel like the hottest one in the relationship, negging, making sexual comments about other women, telling you they’re a 10/10

Hates: women who look like women, other men looking at their girlfriend, feeling inferior in anyway

Ideal date?? Going to a movie so they don’t have to talk to you and then try to convince you to go back to their place where they’ll spend some extra time hammering in the idea that they love to work out and care a lot about their body and they “turn heads”.

The “I Secretly Hate Myself so I’m Going to Hurt You Instead” Guy

Height: Under 5’11 and won’t shut up about how their life is so hard because they’re shorter than 6’0

Career: Works in business but is still stuck in the becoming a DJ fad from 2016 and spends a lot of money on equipment that collects dust in a dirty apartment

Loves: Joe Rogan and/or Andrew Tate, making sure no woman feels like enough, internalized hatred that is projected on others, making almost everything uncomfortably sexual and when you say no they make it about how society makes life so difficult for men who aren’t 6’5 with washboard abs

Hates: accepting the fact that they hate themself and have a bad personality, acknowledging that height isn’t as big a factor in women’s preferences as men say it is, being nice, women

Favorite movie?? American Psycho or Wolf of Wall Street but they’ll tell you the Notebook or some shit

The Gym Bro

Lifting PR: they’ll tell you 400 lbs or something insane like that

Socials: davelifts99, 2300 followers, posts about protein goals and lifting for men who want to get into lifting. bonus points if they comment rude things on womens videos telling them to get in the gym.

Loves: gym, gym, gym, lifting, did he mention the gym?? making women feel over or underweight, having a superiority complex, only talking about the gym or macros

Hates: women who don’t feed into their ego, food with no protein, carbs

Ideal woman? Someone who will spot them while they work out because that’s love, right?

The Prefers Male Approval Guy

Top Searches on Google: chatgpt, chris hemsworth workout routine, chris evans workout routine, how to look like superman?, how to make more male friends reddit, most manly hobbies, pornhub

Education: college degree, probably some school like penn state where they got really into greek life

Loves: hanging with the boys, boys nights, playing video games with the boys, his fellow brothers from kappa sigma phi, feeling like he’s living out the plot of Hangover

Hates: when men don’t think he’s cool, women who don’t act like one of the bros, but also women who are too friendly with men, and women who don’t let him spend 99% of his time with his bros

Favorite movie?? Any Judd Apatow movie

The Know It All

Fun Fact: he thinks about the roman empire like every other man but he wants you to know that he really likes to throw himself into topics and learn everything there is to know. really. ask him anything. well… ask him anything about cars, historical wars, or Tarantino films.

Career: something boring for sure that he talks about constantly

Loves: being the smartest in the room, sharing fun facts, women who make him feel smart and special, Fight Club

Hates: people pointing out he’s wrong, women who have feelings, women who enjoy crystals and spiritual things

Idea date?? museum or art gallery where he can mansplain everything to you

Mr. Hates His Mom

Favorite Musician: Kanye, Travis Scott, and Guns and Rose’s

Five Year Plan: becoming a father. but it has to be a boy.

Loves: complaining about his mom, hyping up his dad, trauma dumping and theraspeak that makes no sense, projecting mommy issues on his girlfriends

Hates: when you have trauma, women who have bad relationships with their fathers, women who have good relationships with their mothers, when you ask about their mom

Dream car?? Tesla. He 100% loves elon musk and wants a tesla.

The Nice Guy

Most said phrase: “girls never want to date a nice guy”

Political views: dating bio says “moderate” which is just someone who’s afraid to say republican (they should be afraid. red flag.)

Loves: long walks on the beach, dogs, picnics, children, all the nice guy things, you know? just kidding, they love to tell you they’re so nice and let you know of all the nice things they do and don’t get rewarded for

Hates: not being rewarded for being a decent, functioning member of society, women who won’t go out with him, women who don’t tell him he’s nice

Favorite movie?? well, you know, he’s such a hopeless romantic, he just loves any good romcom

The “I’m Just Joking” Guy

Favorite comedian: Matt Rife

Career: works an entry level 9-5 but swears he’s the funniest dude alive

Loves: making you feel terrible about yourself and then saying it’s a joke, joking about women’s looks and intellect, saying something politically incorrect and saying it’s a joke, literally joking about everything, he’s just a silly guy

Hates: when people call out his rude behavior, women who “can’t take a joke”, deep conversations

Favorite TV show: Big Mouth

And Finally…….. The Feminist

Favorite line: “I’m the biggest feminist you’ll ever meet”.

Social media: occasionally reposts a quote that’s like “real men support women” but never actually stands up to issues in real life. no protests, no donations, no voting.

Loves: telling you he supports you as a woman, saying he likes Sylvia Plath, pretending he understands politics, mansplaining feminism to women

Hates: being reminded he’s a privileged man, women who don’t applaud him for saying he’s a feminist, when you disagree with him

Favorite movie?? lies and says something like Lady Bird. even better if he “lets you know” that he ACTUALLY liked Barbie and not just because he thinks margot robbie is hot.

pass. pass. pass. pass. yikes. now obviously, there are many other types of men, but i find that you can find bits of pieces of each of these in any red flag man (aka the men on reality shows and the ones that traumatize you in real life).

(shout out to brett from season 4 of love is blind for being kind, respectful, and normal. he’s very rare).

life is hard enough, dating shouldn’t be as hard as it is. but unfortunately, women have to be so alert and so careful. so, if you run into a mr. hates his mom or a self proclaimed “full package” who thinks he’s better than you, run the other way girl. it’s not worth it.

anyway, i’ll be in bed watching reality shows and judging all the men. love you all! good luck out there and stay safe <3

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Last night, I pulled the Justice card. So, I asked Chat GPT for a list of movies that are about justice. It gave me three options: Legally Blonde, Gone Girl, and Promising Young Woman. I was drawn to Promising Young Woman. It’s been on my watchlist for years and the cast is just so perfect.

I really loved this movie. I know there are a lot of mixed opinions out there, but I thought it was realistic while still being fun. And although I have beef with Emerald Fennell right now for her tragic Wuthering Heights casting choices, I thought the casting in this movie was spot on.

Casting loveable actors like Adam Brody (The O.C.), Sam Richardson (Veep), Max Greenfield (New Girl), and so many others to play terrible men was genius. When they show up, you get excited. They’re “nice guys”, just like they describe themselves in the film. They’re the kind of actors who usually play characters you root for. And then they’re characters turn out to be awful people. They disappoint the viewer… just like men always end up doing. This film weaponized the actors likeability (who would have expected McLovin to force cocaine on a woman and try to take advantage of her?!). It forces the audience to reflect on how society often lets its guard down around men who seem “harmless” or like a “nice guy”.

This film connects deeply to the Justice card. Justice is about truth, and truth isn’t always comfortable. Promising Young Woman isn’t a simple story of good vs. evil. It’s messier than that. It’s about balance being restored, even if the process is painful. The ending doesn’t offer a clean, happy resolution. While Cassie does get justice for Nina, she doesn’t get to experience it. Al Monroe gets to hurt another woman. Cassie never gets the satisfaction of seeing her mission succeed.

In the original Tarot deck, Justice holds a sword and a scale. She cuts through illusion and brings balance. She sees the truth, even when it may be ugly. That’s what Cassie does. She’s not trying to be a saint or make everyone feel good. She’s exposing a system built on denial, and in doing so, she’s confronting the people who wronged her friend. She’s even willing to sacrifice herself for that truth.

Quotes That Align With Justice

“You know, they put themselves in danger, girls like that”. ~ Justice sees through victim blaming. The card demands accountability. This line represents the illusion, the warped narrative that society tells to avoid holding people responsible. Justice cuts through that illusion. In this case, Cassie is justice. In every scene where a man takes her home, she says she wants to leave, just like many real women do. But the men insist she stay. Even though she’s pretending to be drunk, it mirrors a very real dynamic. Are women “putting themselves in danger”… or are they just being ignored?

“I was just a kid.” ~ A line said by multiple of the men in the movie. The Justice card says that past excuses don’t erase present consequences. This is a huge theme in the film. People trying to outrun accountability by claiming they didn’t know better. But we see they haven’t changed at all. And Justice is timeless. It doesn’t care how long ago something happened. If balance isn’t restored now, it will be later. Karma doesn’t forget.

This was such a powerful watch. Cassie’s journey reminded me how necessary it is to see clearly, just like the Justice card asks us to do. Pulling a tarot card with the same energy as a film is such a beautiful reminder that movies are more than entertainment, they’re mirrors. They reflect the world around us and within us. Whether it’s obvious or more subtle, there’s always a message waiting to land.

This film reminded me that things don’t always play out how we want or expect. But karma (or justice) still shows up, usually in divine timing, and often in ways we don’t see coming.

On a lighter note, if you’re indecisive like me, I highly recommend pulling a tarot card to choose your next movie. It’s going to become my new go-to ritual. So try it: let the card pick the film, let the film reflect the card, let both speak to you.

There’s always a reason why that card fell from the deck. Just like there’s a reason you were meant to watch that movie.

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Anyway, after watching at least half of Sam Rockwell’s filmography with my mom (after his White Lotus guest appearance, don't judge me!), I realized that I tend to be drawn more towards funny, less “conventionally” (whatever that means) attractive men.

To be honest, chiseled men who look like they just wrapped a Dolce and Gabbana perfume ad don’t do it for me. It honestly icks me out a little bit. I know, crazy. I always say I’m not into the “Superman” or “Ken doll” type. For starters, blonde men creep me out. I can’t explain it; I tried to in therapy. And men with the Superman look just don’t seem right to me. They’re too perfect, but not in a good way. Henry Cavill, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans. I just don’t get it. And I apologize if I’ve just offended anyone.

My biggest celebrity crush, for years now, is Steve Carell. When I watched “The Office” in 7th grade, I fell in love. Most girls fall for Jim, and I get it, he’s tall. But Steve Carell is funny, and funny trumps all else in my opinion. Every year, I personally tell everyone I know that he should win People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

I also love Jake Johnson. Especially in New Girl. This is more of a popular opinion, I think, but hear me out. Nick Miller is just an absolute disaster of a human being. You want to fix him, but you also want to rot in bed with him all day and eat pizza. But he pulls off the whole “I’m a mess, but I’m endearing” vibe because he’s funny. And that kind of sums up what I’m into: a disaster, but funny.

Finally, although I could go on and on, I love Bill Hader. I’m choosing him because I kind of discovered him a different way than most. I don’t watch SNL, and when he was on SNL, I was a little bit too young. But I watched this show called “Documentary Now”. The very first episode, they are doing a parody of the documentary “Grey Gardens”. Bill Hader is dressed up like a woman and dancing around and I loved it. Then, I watched Superbad, one of my all time favorite movies. And that was just the icing on the cake. He’s tall, he’s funny, what else could a girl want.

I hadn’t really reflected on my unconventional taste in men till my mom pointed it out after we watched “Charlie’s Angels” and I declared my love for Sam Rockwell. She told me I should write about it for Substack (shout out to my mom).

At the end of the day, it’s less about looks and more about the laugh factor. If someone can make me laugh, that’s all I care about. I can’t stand men who take themselves too seriously or can’t take a joke. The ones who need to make sure their jawline could cut glass, or that their biceps are bigger than my head. Who cares?

Not everyone gets it. I know a lot of people are into the Chris Hemsworth types, and that’s totally fine. But I just think it’s time we expand our definition of “attractive”. So many people only care about looks and then end up with an absolute villian of a boyfriend because of it. A lot of “attractive” men, unfortunately, know they’re attractive and use it to their advantage. So, why not make room for the guys who know how to make us happy and make us laugh? They might not own a pair of jeans and maybe they have a slight dad-bod situation going on, but that’s all part of the charm.

And honestly, what girl wants a boyfriend hotter than her? Not me. I want people to see us and say, “Wow. How’d that guy manage to pull her?”. It’s all part of the fun.

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This old Toyota of anxiety is named Walter. And Walter really likes to creep in and stay for a while.

The thing that some people don’t understand about Walter is that he doesn’t announce that he’s coming to visit. Sometimes certain events trigger him to come stay with me. But not always. Sometimes everything could be going great, but Walter decides it’s been too long since he’s seen me, so he pulls up uninvited.

Today, Walter came for a visit. I’ve actually been doing pretty good with my anxiety recently. It used to be bad. I was always panicking and stressing about small, random things. But I’d like to think I’ve been regulating my emotions better and not letting little things trigger a spiral.

But sometimes, it’s hard to control.

When Walter comes to visit, everything has a deeper meaning than it normally does. Anyone with a Walter understands this feeling.

A little tickle in my throat suddenly turns me into a 30 year long chain smoker who’s developed lung cancer. A headache means I probably only have a few months to live before the brain tumor takes over. A message I send to a friend that doesn’t get an immediate response means that they hate me and will probably never talk to me again. But they will simultaneously use everything I’ve told them against me to ruin my life.

You get the gist. It’s not fun. It’s actually very draining.

When Walter comes to visit, I tend to sleep a really long time. But also still have insomnia somehow. I won’t be able to sleep till 3 AM, but then will sleep for 12 hours because I can’t pull myself out of bed in the morning. All because Walter tells me the day ahead is full of fear and uncertainty that I can’t handle, so I might as well stay sleeping.

My therapist and I came up with the name “Walter” for my anxiety for a reason. Although Walter comes to visit often, Walter is not me and I’m not him. It separates my fear and anxiousness from my brain. I can address it as if it’s a real person.

The personification of anxiety helps me slam on the metaphorical brake pedal. When I start to spiral it’s easy to blame myself. Which only makes things worse. I think I’m broken, weak, or dumb for being concerned about such little things.

But blaming Walter and personifying your emotions sets you apart from your worries so you don’t blame yourself. Walter is just a grumpy old man. He doesn’t do well with uncertainty, is obsessed with worst-case scenarios (like most old men), and he doesn’t like to be alone, which is why he visits me so often.

But Walter isn’t me. He doesn’t speak for me and who I actually am. He just gets loud sometimes. And giving him a name helps me to see that. It helps me talk to him like I would to a friend who’s freaking out. Because if my friend was spiraling, I wouldn’t spiral too, I would try to stay calm for their sake. I have a conversation with Walter in my head, or in a journal. And usually, he ends up packing his bags to go back home.

Simple things help me address Walter. Watching my favorite show, journaling, hugging my mom, or just simply breathing. And while it’s not magic, or a be all end all to Walter. It does help quiet the noise.

So, if you’re feeling scared right now. You’re in that rusty, paint chipping, 1992 Toyota Camry, just like me, that’s ok. You’re not broken. You’re just human. Give that feeling a name. Let them ride shotgun if they must, but remind them that they are not driving. You can press the brakes whenever you want to. That voice doesn’t speak for you. They’re just a loud backseat driver, telling you that you’re going to crash. But you’re not, you’re safe. Slowly, the road will start to feel smoother. The engine will be quieter. And sometimes if you’re lucky, Walter will fall asleep in the backseat, giving you just a little bit of peace to keep going.

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Goal:

Define your dream life with zero limitations. Dream as big as you can. Nothing is impossible.

Journal Prompt:

What does your dream life look and feel like in vivid detail?

Affirmation of the Day:

I am allowed to want everything I want.

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I heard back from a job at a high-end department store at a mall near me. I had kind of a bad feeling about the job but I told myself it was just temporary. A couple months of a job I don’t like is really no big deal.

I’ve always had issues sticking with jobs. I get bored easily or don’t like the environment. But I’m really good at job interviews. I’ve gotten every single job I’ve interviewed for. Which is part of my problem. Even if something doesn’t feel right, I take the job for the extra money, and then end up quitting a month later.

Anyway, on Saturday morning, bright and early, I showed up to my interview. The second I got there, everything felt off. The lights were too bright, the music was too loud, it just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t nervous. But I wasn’t excited either. I didn’t really feel like anything.

I checked in with an employee to let them know I was there for an interview. They told me "someone will be right with you”. That was a lie. I waited on a chair next to the bathrooms for about 20 minutes. Smiling at everyone passing through to use the toilet, thinking it was the person interviewing me.

When the woman interviewing me finally showed up, I got an even worse feeling. She introduced herself (we’ll call her Kate). She told me she was running late and completely forgot she had an interview. I laughed it off and told her that I liked her dress. She coldly said, “Oh. Thanks.” Alright…

Kate showed me around the store, introducing me to tired looking employees who weren’t very enthusiastic. It was like red flags were waving in my face and alarms were loudly going off in my ears.

We sat down at a table outside the store. She told me that we were waiting for another person to join us. I tried to make conversation. She blew it off. And we sat in silence until the other interviewer showed up (we’ll call her Jen). Jen was also cold. Neither of them made an effort to introduce themselves, or the job for that matter. And none of them asked me about myself either.

I’d never been interviewed by two people before. And I felt very uncomfortable in that situation. One of them was psychoanalyzing me from across the table, while the other rapid-fired questions at me.

Both of them seemed like they didn’t look at my resume or application at all. They asked me for all my personal information and for all the jobs I’ve worked in the past. Something I’m used to people knowing when I go into interview. The whole thing just felt very messy and uncomfortable.

They asked me a lot of strange questions, none of which were to get to know me or how I would fit in at the job. They told me the job was commission based, which was the complete opposite of what the job description said on Indeed.

I left thinking, “this did not go well”. At least from my end. I was very uncomfortable and nervous the whole time.

This morning, I got a call from Jen offering me the job. A surprise to me because of how poorly the interview went. I turned the job down but thanked her for her time. She said “are you kidding me?” and hung up.

Normally, I would have accepted the job. In the past, I’ve taken a lot of jobs that I didn’t want just because I wanted some extra money to spend on Ulta, clothes, or some other thing I don’t need.

I think it’s important to distinguish between your reasons for taking a job. Are you doing it for a check or are you doing it because it’s what you want to do? Sometimes, of course, people have to take jobs if they are short on cash. But if you are in a situation where you don’t need to take a job and it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s okay to say no.

Life is too short to take jobs you don’t need or want, just so you can have extra spending money. If you’re working a job don’t really like, you should at least be spending time pursuing what you actually dream of doing.

I’ve learned that jobs aren’t just about money. And money isn’t always a strong enough motivator. For me, I have to really love what I’m doing to stay interested in continuing a job. For example, I love working at cafes and making drinks. But retail jobs are always something I have a hard time staying interested in.

Sometimes, you might get a bad vibe from somewhere, and it’s okay to say “no”. You don’t even need an explanation. There’s a million jobs out there. And at least one will be good enough for you.

After turning down the job, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I chose myself instead of the job. I chose to keep living my life instead of giving my time and energy to something that wasn’t meant for me. I get to keep sleeping in, going to the gym, eating dinners I actually enjoy. I chose my happiness over money. I chose peace over panic. Alignment over anxiety.

And I know that choice will come back to me in good ways I can’t even imagine yet. Monetarily or otherwise.

So, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t force it. Just take a breath, acknowledge that it isn’t meant for you, and keep walking.

The life you want? It’s still ahead of you. And it’s so much better than settling.

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burned

you said you never would

but you did

now my heart aches

like a melancholy soundtrack

i learn how to live again

without you by my side

i’m at a loss

i trust

i love

i breathe

i exist

and every beat of my heart

is a beat for someone i love too deeply

someone whose heart

doesn’t beat for mine

my blood is black and blue

the bruises im left with

not on my body

but in my soul

i travel to another dimension

one where we still

...exist…

but it’s just my dreams

and i awake

in the morning

lonely and sad

where i began

i don’t love you

you know it

so you bully me

till i can no longer speak

i step away

i save myself

what’s the point?

you made me feel broken

i lie awake in bed

i do every night

i can’t remember your face

but i recall your evil voice

you haunt my thoughts

in the dark,

in the light

i see your ghost

take me away

put me away

hide me away

from you

i’m scared

but really

what do

i do?

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This week I wanted to do something a little different and fun! I recently bought a Celtic Astrology Oracle deck and learned about the different signs. There are 13 signs and they align with your birth date, just like star signs, except in Celtic tradition your sign is connected to a plant and an animal instead of stars.

The signs embody deep wisdom, unique traits, and spiritual guidance. The animal acts as an extra spirit to enhance and guide your personal energy.

Below I’ll share the signs and you can find the date that corresponds with your birthday for more insight on what nature has to say about you!

🌳 The Achiever: December 24 - January 20

Plant: Birch

You are someone who seeks out excellence in every aspect of your life. You are always drawn to improve yourself or any situation you encounter. You are a natural born leader and are meant to pave the way for others.

Animal: Stag

Integrity is your trademark. In your life, you feel like you need a purpose to feel fulfilled. You carry strength, confidence, and vision everywhere you go. There’s a quiet wisdom about you that makes you radiant to others.

Message

Don’t let perfectionism get to you too much. Instead embrace fresh starts and trust your gut and inner leader instinct. No matter what, you were born to stand out.

🌳 The Thinker: January 21 - February 17

Plant: Rowan

This tree is full of protection and intuition. You are someone who doesn’t follow the crowd and instead, sets the trends. You listen to your soul when it comes to your inner calling and don’t listen to others about how you are supposed to live your life. You are born to be creative and have a strong intuition when it comes to sensing hidden truths.

Animal: Cat

Your spirit guide, the cat, makes you independent, mysterious, and deeply spiritual. You may be very observant of others, but you thrive off your own personal freedom. You are skillful and resourceful and are always able to find your way through troubled times.

Message

Trust your instincts, they are strong. And never be afraid to walk on your own path. Don’t worry about the judgement of others. Magic follows you everywhere you go, you are meant for success.

🌳 The Enchanter: February 18 - March 17

Plant: Ash

You are full of imagination. You may naturally be shy, but when you find your people, you are strong and outgoing. There’s something magical about you and your imagination. But Enchanters have to be careful of not spending too much time in their fantasy worlds. There’s magical opportunities in real life too.

Animal: Snake

You are able to shed your skin and renew yourself again whenever you want to evolve. You have a cool exterior but there’s always more going on below the surface than meets the eye. You are cunning, smart, and always have a heightened perception of what’s going on around you.

Message

Change is your superpower. You are able to transform with ease. Embrace that talent, and watch yourself evolve beyond your wildest dreams.

🌳 The Trailblazer: March 18 to April 14

Plant: Alder

You have a warmth about you that draws people in. If you wish, you never lack in friendship and connections. But you are also a very adventurous person, that sometimes may be hard for others to keep up with. You are someone who likes to move and explore. You like to try new things and have new experiences. You may be impatient and restless sometimes. But your natural warmth and kindness makes up for that.

Animal: Fox

Your animal spirit guide, the fox, provides you with intelligence and wisdom. You tend to be very clever and quick-witted in all situations. You are someone who should never be underestimated, because no matter the circumstance, you always come up with a way to land on your feet.

Message

Stay sharp and clever. But never let the restlessness keep you from appreciating the present moment and the powerful connections that you have in your life.

🌳 The Observer: April 15 - May 12

Plant: Willow

You always trust your intuition and follow its guidance, even if it makes no sense to others. The willow is the moon’s favorite tree, which means you are ruled by your big dreams and your strong emotions. But that’s a good thing. Others may ask you for advice a lot because they trust your wisdom. You are always able to discern the truth, in all moments of your life.

Animal: Cow

Being born in the sign of the cow means you are loving, thoughtful, and strong. The cow, a celebrated creature in Celtic culture, represents nourishment and abundant good fortune. You are gentle and calm, but sometimes your strong emotions cause stubbornness, and you can never push a cow, if they don’t want to be moved.

Message

Honor your emotions and lean into your natural intuition. That’s your superpower. But try not to let your negative emotions take you ever, instead lean into the strong, positive emotions you feel.

🌳 The Illusionist: May 13 - June 9

Plant: Hawthorn

There is more to you than meets the eye. You may feel, deep down, that there’s something just out of reach calling you. You have tons of power within you. You are protective and sometimes wild, but you are meant for great things.

Animal: Seahorse

The seahorse provides you with flexibility and resourcefulness. You are quick and intelligent, but sometimes impatient. You may jump between subjects in conversation because you have so much to say. But that is for good reason, there is a lot of depth to the thoughts you have. You are loveable and forgiving to everyone, and generally expect them the same from others.

Message

You have a very complex energy about you, but don’t be afraid to embrace both your hawthorn and seahorse side. Mix your softness with your sharp edges. It makes you unique and powerful.

🌳 The Stabilizer: June 10 - July 7

Plant: Oak

You are gifted with strength and endurance. But it’s a gentle strength that doesn’t overpower others. You have a loving, protective nature about you that makes you prone to encourage and care for others. You consider the long term when making decisions and have the understanding that sometimes things take a while to fall into place, but you have the patience to wait for those blessings.

Animal: Wren

You know how to weather a storm. You remain calm and cool under pressure in hard times. You are active, social, and kind to others. You tend to sacrifice your own needs for the greater good of others. You are beloved by everyone who knows you.

Message

Even the strongest and kindest people need a rest sometimes. Don’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. Remember that although you love to help others, it’s okay to share your concerns with those who love you.

🌳 The Ruler: July 8 - August 4

Plant: Holly

You are called towards leadership. You are affectionate and protective of those that you care for and devote a lot of your time to the people and things you love. You have a strong confidence in yourself and it encourages others around you to be confident too. You take on challenges with pride and welcome all opportunities for growth.

Animal: Horse

In Celtic culture, horses are related with triumph and valor. You love a good challenge and the chance to exercise your intelligence. You tend to be competitive, but also value teamwork and strong connections with others. Sometimes you can come off as headstrong, but your charm wins people over. At the end of the day, you are willing to go to the ends of the Earth for people you love.

Message

Your fire burns bright and others can see it. Channel your competitiveness wisely. Nothing can get in your way if you put your mind to it. So, seek out challenges and opportunities to grow in love, career, and life in general.

🌳 The Knower: August 5 - September 1

Plant: Hazel

You are highly intelligent and love to learn new things. You may be drawn to the academic world as a student, teacher, or just a general collector of knowledge. You are a keeper of information. Those with less quick minds don’t understand you, but you are never put off by that. You are wise beyond your years and treat the world as your classroom.

Animal: Salmon

In Celtic mythology, salmon are signs of knowledge, inspiration, and prophecy. You have a special degree of wisdom that others don’t have. You may tend to feel like there is more out there for you, like something is missing. You may yearn to be someplace else, no matter where you happen to be in the moment.

Message

Your mind is your greatest gift. Always trust your wisdom and insights. Share your knowledge with others and never feel bad about your intelligence, even if others don’t understand.

🌳 The Equalizer: September 2 - September 29

Plant: Vine

You are able to see both sides of an argument and understand them both. This makes you very compassionate and empathetic for others. But sometimes it makes you indecisive. You may be drawn to the finer things in life. Looking for luxury and elegance in everything you do. Your happiness will come when you learn to enjoy luxury while also sharing with those who are less fortunate.

Animal: Swan

You are evolved, eloquent, elegant, and expressive. You have outer beauty, but also, have a very powerful inner beauty. You may be very passionate in relationships, which sometimes leads to a territorialism. You always protect what you love.

Message

Always remember to follow you heart’s rhythm. In everything you pursue. Your path is uniquely yours. So enjoy every beautiful moment and share them with those you love.

🌳 The Survivor: September 30 - October 27

Plant: Ivy

Your tenacity is your greatest strength. Nothing can ever stand in your way when you are determined to succeed. You are loyal to others and always willing to lend a helping hand. You may tend to get overly attached to others, which leads to disappointment. But if disappointment does come, don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are able to survive and succeed at anything life throws at you, but you don’t have to do it alone.

Animal: Butterfly

You are meant to be beautiful and full of lightness. But the stages of metamorphosis can be dark and painful. You may have gone through a lot in the past, or are going through a lot right now, but you come out the otherside better. Always trust change and find the beauty in everyday.

Message

Continue to keep growing, even when life throws twists and turns at you. You are meant to flourish at everything you put your mind to. There are great things waiting for you.

🌳 The Inquisitor: October 28 - November 24

Plant: Reed

You are someone who knows how to dig deep to uncover truths and hidden meanings. You are a good listener and a good keeper of secrets. Sometimes, you may be drawn towards gossip and drama because others confide in you. But remember to stick to your morals and use your trustworthiness for good.

Animal: Wolf

Those born in the sign of the wolf are fearless. You are deeply committed to your “pack”, whether that be your family or friends. You feel things deeply and choose to share your emotions with those closest to you. But despite your strong emotions, you are still powerful and fearless.

Message

Trust your instincts and follow your heart. You have deep intuition and a community of people who love you, this means you have the ability to go where others may fear to tread and follow your dreams.

🌳 The Seeker: November 25 - December 23

Plant: Elder

You have a wild streak about you, whether that was in your youth or in the present. You tend to be very restless, which can sometimes lead to recklessness. You seek fun, but are also very intelligent. Some people might not understand your complexity. While wild, you’re also philosophical.

Animal: Falcon

You have the ability to focus and follow through with all your intentions. You may hear a higher calling and you are able to rise above your troubles and see the big picture. You know exactly what it is that you want, and you always have a plan on how to get it.

Message

You are full of aspiration, creativity, and a force of change. Embrace your fearlessness and follow the journey that you are called to.

Your Celtic Tree Sign is a Guide, Not a Box

Just like the trees and animals in nature, we are always growing, shifting, and evolving. Your sign reflects your soul’s energy and natural gifts, but how you bloom is entirely up to you. Whether you resonate deeply or find pieces of yourself in many signs, trust that nature always whispers truth to those who listen.

Let your sign empower you, inspire you, and most importantly, remind you of how magical you already are.

I hope you all enjoyed.

Until next time,

- Violetta Rose ✨

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I was at the gym, it was ab day, and after my workout on the treadmill, I made my way over to the ab equipment. At the ab twist machine, I noticed an older man come over to the machine across from me. But he wasn’t working out, he was just standing there watching me. I had my headphones on and was really focused, so I didn’t pay much attention to it. After about a minute, over my music, I hear him saying something to me. I pretend I don’t hear and continue my workout. He keeps trying to get my attention. Getting louder and louder. And then completely uncalled for, he grabs my shoulder and shakes me.

Any woman knows how it feels in a moment like this. You kind of freeze up. You don’t know whether you should scream at them, ignore them, or go along with it. I didn’t know what to do. So, I took off my headphones and asked him if “everything was ok”. He smiled at me and told me I had “really good form”. What does that even mean? I forced a smile and nodded and started to put my headphones back on. He stopped me and told me I was a really beautiful girl. I nodded again and tried to get back to my workout. He asked me how old I was. I said 16 (I’m not, I’m 19, but I thought it would get him to go away. It didn’t). He just told me I was beautiful again. So, I told him I had to get back to my workout.

At this point, I was already pretty shaken. I decided to move on to a different part of my workout. So, I went to the back of the gym to do mat exercises. However, the older man decided to follow me into the back. While I was doing planks and crunches, he stood really close to my mat, leaning up against the wall, watching me. Not even attempting to look like he was working out. He was standing over me, intimidating me, watching me while I pretended to ignore it.

A younger guy, who I guess noticed this, came over to me and pretended to be my boyfriend. He said, “I just finished my workout, if you were ready to head out and go home”. I caught on, smiled, and said I would love to. He walked with me out of the back and once we got far enough, he said that he saw that the older man was being kind of creepy. I laughed and thanked him for his help.

And then he asked me for my number. Ugh.

I politely declined, but thanked him again for his help. He got really mad. And said “wow, men can’t do anything nice for girls anymore, can they?” Like I owed him something. Like he couldn’t just be nice without getting something in return.

Obviously, this really annoyed me. I said thanks again, coldly. And left. I just wanted to cry. And the whole experience really just left me kind of shaken.

After this experience, I reflected on the whole thing. I realized how hard it is now for young women to do anything. The gym is a place for self-improvement. It’s a really intimate setting, if you think about it. No one looks their best, they’re sweating, making weird faces. It’s the last place you want to be noticed or have to manage male attention. At the gym, women should be allowed to have a moment of no stress. Not worried about how to ignore men or diffuse their attempts at flirting.

But it’s like that everywhere. Not just the gym. The most peaceful places can be ruined by men bothering you. And then it’s our job, as women, to figure how to deal with that situation. And it’s not fair. Men deal with no ramifications for terrorizing a woman in public. But women have to deal with the stress, freezing up, and men making us feel like we owe them something for their basic human decency.

I didn’t want to go back to the gym after this. And I didn’t for about a month. It felt unfair that I had to choose between my health and feeling safe. At the gym, not only have I been bothered, but I’ve been followed to my car afterward. And it just didn’t feel like a safe environment for me anymore.

But this is the truth of being a woman. When we step out of our house, we have to deal with the dread of being bothered, followed, harassed, and catcalled. It’s a never ending battle, and we never get to win.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this reality. And I realized that even though it sucks, I shouldn’t spend my life living in fear of men. Because they don’t deserve that satisfaction. They don’t deserve the energy, or the acknowledgement that what they are doing is working.

So, on Monday, I went back to the gym. And have been every day this week. And it’s a small victory, but I’m proud. I chose to win this time. I chose to not let it bother me.

In this world, we have to deal with male attention, everyday. It’s expected and it can be dangerous. If you ignore it, it can escalate to something worse. If you acknowledge it, you’re inviting more flirting and harassment. If you push back, your safety could be at risk. It’s an impossible thing to balance in an already stressful world. We never agreed to it, but we are forced to manage it every day. It’s a full time job and we don’t even get paid.

The worst part, it’s not just “creepy old men”. They’re just the ones that make it obvious. There’s other ones, who seem like allies, who are kind. They are playing the same game and want the same “reward”. It’s exhausting and frustrating. And it’s not something men ever have to think about or worry about in their day to day lives.

I don’t have a solution. I wish I did. But the truth is, being strong and going back to the gym was my solution. To prove to myself that I am more than just some girl a man bothers in a gym. I’m strong. I’m resilient. I’m brave. I’m a woman. But I’m so much more than what men notice about me. And I like the unnoticeable things the most.

The reality of being a young woman is that we have to be aware, we have to adjust, we always have to be on guard, just to exist in a public space. But a man would never be able to handle that pressure and stress everyday without any kind of reward and acknowledgement for it.

And that’s what makes us, as women, so much stronger than men ever could be. And they don’t even know it.

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However, today I went to the coffee shop and was not so kindly greeted by a very rude barista. She didn’t listen to my drink order. She blew me off. And muttered the total at me ($12 for two drinks, by the way, yikes!).

As someone who has worked as a barista, and many other customer service jobs, I completely understand how it feels to have a bad day. But I’ve never been blatantly rude to a customer. You never know what’s going on in someone’s day, so it’s always important to be kind.

If this was just a one off incident, it would have been fine. But things like this have been happening more and more recently. To me and other people I know. Whether it’s a barista at a coffee shop, someone walking by you on the street, or your neighbor, people are becoming more and more rude and disconnected from others.

Recently, someone new moved into the apartment next to me. I saw her leaving her apartment one day, and smiled at her and said hi. She glared at me, no response, nothing.

When I scroll through TikTok, most of the videos seem mean spirited. And the ones that aren’t have a comment section FILLED with rude people.

And it’s hard not to take moments like this personally, or hyper-fixate on the rudeness of others. It’s easy to think that someone else’s coldness is a reflection of our own self-worth. But I’ve learned to believe that it’s not.

The world moves so fast. It seems like everyday it moves faster and faster. People get caught up in the blur. Caught up in their phones, caught up in jobs, caught up in school. We are constantly overstimulated by everything going on around us but always come out of the blur empty handed. We have access to everyone through our phones, but it seems like we’re connected to no one.

So, maybe it isn’t about rudeness. Maybe as the days go by, we slowly start to forget. We forget how to see each other, how to be kind to each other, how to treat one another like we matter.

What do we, as kind people do? Do we forget too? Do we become cold just like everyone else? Or do we choose to be someone else? Someone soft and kind. Because choosing to be kind in a world full of cold people is powerful. It speaks volumes about your resilience. It’s resilient to smile at someone when they glare at you. It’s powerful to continue to be kind when someone is being outwardly rude. It’s strong to not let the world make you bitter.

There is something rebellious about staying soft in a world that is programmed to make you cold.

Your kindness is like the last candle burning in a dark room. People who pass by may try to shield it, or snuff it out. But as long as that candle stays lit, there is still light. And even the smallest flicker can be seen from far away. It could bring someone sitting in darkness some light. It could change someone’s life.

I even find myself stirring in moments of bitterness. It’s hard not to. You feel like the world is against you. Like no one sees you for who you are. But I find that being bitter does nothing for me. Being bitter makes me tired, sad, and lazy. It brings me down. But being kind, soft, and calm brings some joy to my day. Even if no one reciprocates. The only kindness I need is kindness from myself.

We never get to choose how others treat us. But we always get to choose who we become because of it. I rather be someone who keeps warmth and kindness alive. Someone who does not let the bitterness of this world get to them.

It costs nothing to be kind. But it can cost your happiness, wellbeing, and relationships when you are bitter and rude.

So, choose to be different. Choose to be kind.

If reality is an illusion, then who, or what, is shaping it? Science suggests that our minds play a way larger role in constructing the world around us then we even realize. From the subconscious mind to quantum physics, the idea of manifestation might not be as mystical as it seems. While it’s sometimes played off as “wishful thinking” or simply, “delusional”, we are very much able to make our dreams come true and shape our reality through manifestation.

Now, I’m not claiming that you can just think about something and it’ll manifest itself into your reality. But, manifestation as a topic is based in neuroscience, psychology, and quantum physics.

Manifestation follows a very simple formula that takes your desires from mere dreams and turns them into reality:

Vision + Mindset + Intention + Action=/__u/violettarose.substack.com/Manifestation of Your Goal

By implementing this formula into your daily life, you will be able to achieve your wildest dreams. As long as you just believe in yourself.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind

Your subconscious mind is a powerful place. It is estimated that about 95% of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are controlled by the subconscious.

Our conscious mind processes information logically, but the subconscious absorbs patterns, beliefs, and experiences. Even if those things aren’t true.

For example, if you as a child were constantly told that you weren’t good enough at something. Let’s say a sport. As you grow up, you could end up excelling at that sport. But your subconscious mind was wired to believe that you “aren’t good enough”, even if your conscious mind knows better, logically, and everything around you proves that thought wrong. You are still believing in your subconscious that you aren’t good at your sport and it’s your job to tell yourself that you ARE good enough. And that will rewire your subconscious.

This is important in manifestation because it’s all about aligning your subconscious with what you want in your reality. It’s not just about thinking positively. If deep down you are convinced that you don’t deserve success, money, or love, then your subconscious mind will consistently self-sabotage you and block good opportunities from coming into your life.

So how do you reprogram your subconscious?

• Affirmations with emotion - repeating affirmations alone won’t work if your subconscious resists them. Instead, say them while feeling the emotion behind them (confidence, joy, etc.), this will trick your mind into believing it as true.

• Scripting and journaling - writing down your desires in the present tense tricks the subconscious into accepting them as reality. Remember, your conscious mind is the only thing processing information logically. The subconscious can be tricked and rewired.

• EFT tapping - uses acupressure points to release subconscious resistance (covered more later).

• Hypnosis and meditation - the subconscious mind is more malleable when you are relaxed and at peace. Using guided meditations can help plant new beliefs faster.

• Visualization and repetition - the subconscious learns through repetition. The more you see, feel, and experience your manifestation in your mind, the more your brain accepts it as real.

The subconscious is always shaping your reality, whether you are aware of it or not. The more you consciously feed it empowering beliefs, the easier manifestation becomes.

Reticular Activating System (RAS) - The Brain’s Filter for Manifestation

The Reticular Activating System (or RAS) is a bundle of nerves in the brainstem that acts as a filter for information. All throughout the day, your brain receives millions of bits of sensory data per second, which is crazy to think about! The RAS decides what actually reaches your conscious awareness. This is the reason why when you think about a specific brand or color of car, you start seeing it everywhere. Or when you learn a new word you suddenly start noticing it more in conversation. It’s because your brain is now primed to see it, thanks to the RAS.

So, how does this affect manifestation? Your thoughts and beliefs program the RAS. This means that whatever you focus on, the brain starts to seek out in your environment with a little extra effort. If you constantly think, “there are no good opportunities for me”, the RAS will end up filtering out potential opportunities that contradict that belief, because you are so rooted in that belief, your brain isn’t actively searching out for opportunities in your reality. If you rewire the RAS to focus on success, abundance, and noticing synchronicities, you will start noticing and attracting the experiences and things you want.

How to train your RAS:

• Writing down your goals daily - studies show that people who write down their goals are significantly more likely to achieve them. This is because it programs the brain to focus on and prioritize the outcome of the goal.

• Ask the right questions - instead of asking “why don’t things work out for me? ask, “where can I find more opportunities today?” This will help to shift your RAS to seek solutions to the right questions, instead of reinforce limitations you have set on yourself.

The Law of Attraction and Energy Frequencies

The Law of Attraction (LOA) is the idea that what you focus on will expand. While it is most often framed as a spiritual concept, science does support the idea that our thoughts and emotions influence our physical reality.

The key? Energy frequencies.

Everything in the universe, including thoughts and emotions, emit a measurable frequency into the world. Studies have shown that emotions like love, gratitude, and joy create coherent, high frequency energy, while fear, doubt, and stress create low, chaotic frequencies.

Your personal frequency attracts matching experiences (high vibrations will equal positive outcomes and low vibrations will create obstacles).

How to raise your frequency and attract what you want:

• Gratitude practice - write down things that you are thankful for at the end of everyday. Gratitude is scientifically proven to rewire the brain for positivity and increase overall well-being. I have started doing this recently and I find that it has helped lessen my depression and makes me happier. Sometimes we don’t realize all the great things we have, but when we focus on gratitude, we remember that there are many things in our lives to be thankful for.

• Embody the feeling of “already having it” - the brain doesn’t distinguish between real and imagined emotions, so feeling successful before it happens will make your manifestation easier.

• Surround yourself with high-vibe influences - people, music, environments, all those things affect your energy. So, be cautious and aware who (or what) in your life is affecting your energy, positively or negatively.

• Clear low-vibe blocks - with EFT, meditation, and movement, you can release limiting beliefs and emotional stagnation in your mind. This will clear space for high-frequency manifestations.

Neuroplasticity and Habit Formation: Rewiring Your Brain for Manifestation

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to rewire and reshape itself constantly based on repeated thoughts and experiences. During the day, every thought you think strengthens certain neural pathways in your mind. It’s like a mental highway being built. The more you think a thought, the more automatic and prevalent that thought will become in your life. Whether it’s positive or negative.

This is important in manifestation because if you are constantly thinking negatively about yourself or your reality, your brain will hardwire that belief. Which makes it harder to notice positive opportunities in your life. But, if you intentionally rewire your brain to focus on what you desire, whether it be success, wealth, love, or confidence, those pathways will become strong. And after those pathways are strengthened, your external reality will shift to match.

How to rewire your neural pathways:

• Breaking old thought loops - when you catch yourself thinking a limiting belief or thinking something negative about yourself, interrupt that thought with a new and positive one. For example, instead of thinking “I’m not good enough”, think, “I am successful at everything I do”.

• Act as if - if you begin acting like the version of yourself that already has what you desire, that will reinforce your neural pathways.

• Repetition, repetition, repetition - the brain learns through consistency. The more you repeat a thought or behavior, the stronger that neural pathway becomes. It’s like learning to play a song on piano. You won’t ace it at first, but the more and more you play it, the better you become at playing the song. Soon, you may even be able to play the song without looking at the sheet music.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT): Releasing Blocks to Manifestation

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or tapping, is a mind-body practice that combines acupressure with psychology to release emotional blocks. It is a very simple practice that involves tapping on specific points on your face and body while focusing on limiting beliefs. This helps to rewire subconscious patterns. Studies show that EFT reduces stress hormones like cortisol, making it easier to shift into a high-vibration state.

This chart shows the places where you tap. You tap on each point for a few seconds while saying affirmations to yourself.

This helps with manifestation because many people subconsciously hold onto limiting beliefs like “I’m not worthy of success” or “things never work out for me”. If these beliefs aren’t cleared, they act as energetic roadblocks. And this keeps you stuck in old patterns and behaviors.

EFT helps to release these blocks, allowing your subconscious to accept new beliefs that align with your manifestations.

How to use EFT for manifestation:

1. Identify the limiting belief - example: “I don’t deserve success”.

2. Tap while acknowledging the block - tap through the points while saying, “even though I feel unworthy of success, I deeply love and accept myself”.

3. Shift to a positive affirmation - once the resistance fades, affirm a new belief: “I am worthy of success and abundance”.

4. Repeat until you feel a shift - the goal of this practice is to release emotional resistance that your body and mind is holding onto.

My recent EFT success story:

About a week ago, I did an EFT video on YouTube before I went to sleep. It focused on attracting wealth and abundance into my life. The next morning, I checked my bank account and my tax refund had come in earlier than expected. As well as this, my mom and I sold some music equipment that we have been trying to get off our hands. Making that sale made us some extra money. All this came in after doing the EFT.

The Placebo Effect: How Belief Creates Reality

I’m sure everyone has heard of the placebo effect. It’s the phenomenon where people experience real physical or psychological changes from a treatment that has no active ingredients, simply because they believe it works.

In medical studies, patients who take a sugar pill can experience improvements in their health, just because they believe that they’re receiving treatment.

The placebo effect proves that belief alone can have a profound impact on our physical reality. Your mind has the power to change your body and change your external circumstances. When you truly believe that you deserve something, you take actions that align with that belief, and those actions will create real-world outcomes.

How to use the placebo effect for manifestation:

• Believe in the power of your thoughts - your manifestations will begin to take form when you believe that your desires are already on their way.

• Positive self-talk - replace doubts with empowering beliefs like, “everything is always working out for me,” or “I am deserving of all my desires.”

• Saturate yourself with proof - surround yourself with evidence of others achieving what they want. Seeing it work out in others will reinforce the belief that it’s possible for you too.

Quantum Physics and Manifestation: The Science of Possibilities

Quantum physics is the study of subatomic particles, and it reveals that at the tiniest level, everything is interconnected and constantly in motion. It suggests that particles don’t exist in one fixed state, they are pure potential until they are observed or interacted with. This phenomenon is called the wave-particle duality. It implies that reality is constantly shifting based on what we focus on and perceive.

Quantum physics relates to manifestation because it suggests that thoughts and consciousness can influence reality at the quantum level. This supports the idea that our beliefs and perceptions shape the world we experience. If reality exists as potential until observed, then we have the ability to focus on and collapse possibilities into our desired outcomes. Quantum mechanics shows that the observer affects the observed. This means that by directing our attention toward what we want, we are actively participating in the creation of our reality.

How to harness quantum physics for manifestation:

• Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want - since the act of observation influences potential outcomes, focusing on positive possibilities gives them the power to manifest.

• Embrace the uncertainty of the universe - in quantum physics, nothing is fixed until it’s observed. In the same way, you don’t need to know every detail of how your manifestation will come about. Just trust it’s already in motion.

• Tap into the field of infinite possibilities - quantum physics reveals that everything exists as potential. By expanding your imagination and allowing for limitless possibilities, you unlock the potential for new opportunities to emerge.

• Vibration and resonance - the energy you emit, like a tuning fork, resonates with the universe. By raising your vibration to match your desires, you become a magnet for the opportunities and experiences you seek.

The Dance of Manifestation

With all the millions of possibilities out in the world, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t believe in yourself and follow your dreams. Manifestation is not just a mere act of wishing, it is the understanding that reality is fluid, malleable to the touch of your thoughts, beliefs, and desires.

You are not just a passive observer in this world, you are a creator in the truest sense. You shape your existence with every intention, every breath, every vibration.

As you weave the threads of your desires, you are tapping into the timeless energy that surrounds you. You are drawing from the infinite pool of potential that exists in your life. The universe will respond to you by not only in what you say, but in the feelings you carry, the beliefs you hold, and the vibrations that you choose to emit.

With every thought you think and every affirmation you say, you are actively rewriting the story of your life. You are reminding the world and yourself that anything is possible, that your desires are not only worthy but also inevitable.

So, next time you think you aren’t good enough, remember to trust in your power. Trust the unseen forces of the universe and your mind that guide you. Let go of all your doubt and allow your soul to take the lead. I promise you that it will lead you to beautiful places.

Manifestation is a sacred flow, an invitation to become the very essence of your dreams, to walk the path of your desires, and to be the living proof that reality bends to the will of those who believe.

You are not just a dreamer. You are a creator. And all your dreams can come true.

It’s 1 AM on a regular Tuesday. I’m in my room, watching TV, winding down before going to sleep. I open TikTok, I’m logged into my spam account, and see I have a new follower and a message request from the same person. There’s no name and no profile picture, so obviously, I’m confused. I press into the message, glance over the words, taken aback with surprise. It’s my ex.

It made sense. Over the past year he’s made multiple attempts to get back in contact with me, all of which I have swiftly shut down. But on this specific day, it had been months since I had heard from him. He was blocked on everything (or so I thought).

For context, I had an on and off again relationship with this guy during my senior year of high school. I had started a new school, was intrigued by the fact he was the quarterback on the football team, and got swept up in an incredibly toxic relationship.

In October of senior year, after dating him for about a month, I found out he went to a Halloween party with his ex-girlfriend. We broke up. He wasn’t keen on putting labels on things, so, after Christmas, we started “talking” again. We stopped, we started again, back and forth, back and forth.

He started college in the fall of this year, we were sort of official, and I find out that he’s cheating on me with a girl from the soccer team at his college. Honestly, it wasn’t a surprise to me. And I was shockingly, not upset at all. I screenshotted the picture I got sent of the two of them and messaged him the picture with no context. He, of course, as men do, tried to defend himself. But I had enough of him. So, we broke up. For the final time.

He’s reached out to me a lot. He’s still going out with the girl he cheated on me with. But somehow, he has the audacity to keep reaching out to me and telling me that he “misses” me and “loves” me. I always shut him down. And he always ends up going on a rant. Spamming me and calling me names and saying horrible things.

As much as it hurts to be called names, I’m proud of myself for not being the same girl I was in my senior year of high school. Back then, no matter what he did, I was willing to take him back. I would make excuses for his actions and put up with his bad behavior. But something this past year changed.

I learned to protect my own energy. I learned to respect myself. I learned that just because someone likes me, doesn’t mean I have to like them. And it’s okay to be single and it’s a beautiful thing to be on my own. I love myself. And I’m not seeking outside validation from men anymore.

When he reached out to me on TikTok, with a fake account, I realized that this isn’t about him anymore. It’s not his story. It’s mine. It’s not about him wanting me again and coming back into my life. It’s about me outgrowing him. It’s about me learning to say “no”.

So, I replied to him and, not so kindly, told him to go away. And as per usual, he sent me a bunch of rude messages. But what did I do? I laughed. I genuinely laughed out loud. Because he hasn’t changed. But I have. And it gives me so much joy to know that while he stays stagnant, I continue to improve myself and grow.

This brings me to the most important part of my journey. I have, very recently, learned that setting boundaries is self-respect, it is NOT rude. If someone is disrupting your peace, draining your energy, or just bringing negativity into your life, cutting them off or blocking them is not being petty. It’s not an act of hostility towards someone else, it’s an act of self-love for yourself. I never block someone, whether it’s an ex or otherwise, because I’m mad or trying to be rude. I do it because it protects my peace, and I care more about that than the feelings of someone who never respected mine.

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And the truth is? People usually try to find a way to come back into your life. Especially ex boyfriends. But that’s not your problem. And never let them tell you it is.

In the movie of your life, a bad ex boyfriend is just a deleted scene. I decided, I’m moving forward, I never want to hit rewind again. Relationships end for a reason and sometimes it’s best to leave them in the past. You can honor good memories with someone and remember them fondly without ignoring the things that made them feel less pleasant in the moment.

The block button is a beautiful thing. It’s a quick way to close off a chapter that needs to end. It’s a way to protect your peace and energy. It’s a way to put yourself first. So, block that number you’ve been meaning to block. Delete the chat. I promise it feels so good. It’s like a weight finally being lifted off your shoulders. Your life is way too important to include people that wouldn’t take the time to love you properly. Prioritize yourself, love yourself, the only person you need at the end of the day is you. So, remember, don’t entertain ghosts. Bury them.

Today, I felt called to do a collective three card tarot reading for you all. Maybe you randomly stumbled across this post and felt called to it, or you’re already subscribed to me and have been reading my daily tarot notes. Either way, if you’re seeing this, it’s meant for you. And trust that you’re seeing this message at the right time.

Tarot is all about tapping into energy, both individually and collectively, so this reading is meant to give just a little bit of insight into what themes might be showing up in our lives right now. As always, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. If a certain message sparks something in you, trust that it was meant to find you.

What Do You Need to Hear from the Universe Right Now?

Card One: The Challenge - Six of Wands

Six of wands is usually an indicator of victory, success, and public recognition.

You may be walking towards a light, finally following your heart and your vision for what you want your future to look like. You may be sharing your work, putting yourself out there, but you’re not getting back as much of a response as you hoped. Maybe the applause isn’t as loud as you imagined. Maybe the hands that should be reaching for you are folded, watching, waiting. Or maybe, you have finally arrived at a moment of victory, only to be left feeling like an imposter.

Does success still taste sweet when no one is there to witness it? Is putting yourself out there enough success in itself? Or does success mean hundreds of eyes on you, cheering you on?

The six of wands is a card of triumph, of being seen, of being known. But when it arrives as a challenge, it whispers a different truth: What if your worth was never meant to be measured by applause? What if the real victory was in the journey, in the quiet, in the moments no one else will ever see?

The universe is asking you to sit with this. To question whether your self-belief is built on shaky ground, dependent on the validation of others. You have already won, your spirit knows it, your soul knows it. The question is: do you know it?

Card Two: The Lesson - Ace of Swords

There are some moments in life when everything suddenly starts to make sense. When the truth you may have been avoiding becomes impossible to ignore. This is one of those moments. The ace of swords is a breakthrough, a flash of insight that changes the way you see yourself, your path, or the people around you.

Maybe you’ve been feeling stuck recently, unsure of your next move in life. Maybe fear or self-doubt has clouded your vision. But the fog is lifting now. A realization is settling in. A realization that is sharp, clear, and impossible to unsee.

The truth may be exciting, it may be uncomfortable. It may require you to cut ties with something (or someone) that no longer aligns with you. It might mean speaking up, setting boundaries, or choosing a path that others don’t understand. But this is all in your best interest. This is a defining moment in your life. And even if it may hurt at first, it will lead to beautiful things in the future.

The universe is telling you to trust what you know and trust what you see. Trust in yourself, don’t worry about what others think. This is your moment of clarity. Don’t ignore it.

Card Three: The Advice - Temperance

Not everything needs to happen for you all at once. The universe is always moving, shifting, and aligning things in ways you can’t see. You may feel a constant need to rush things, to force an outcome, to demand certainty. But temperance is asking you to breathe. To trust. To flow through life, not to force.

This is a beautiful lesson in balance. In patience. In knowing that extremes, whether that be in action, emotion, or thought, will only pull you further from the peace you seek. Maybe you’ve been overworking yourself, pushing too hard towards a goal without giving yourself time to rest and reset. Or maybe you’ve just been feeling out of sync, caught between what you want, what others want, and what feels safe.

Temperance is reminding you that harmony is not about standing still, but learning to move with the rhythm of life. Some things are falling into place in divine timing. The healing, the clarity, the success, they are all coming. But for now, your job is to meet the universe halfway: by trusting, by balancing, by allowing. Trust yourself and trust the universe.

Let things unfold. You’re exactly where you need to be.

What to Carry With You

✨ You are already on the path to success, but don’t let external validation define you. Your worth as a person is never measured by applause, it’s always measured by your growth, your resilience, and your bravery to put yourself out there.

💡 A moment of clarity is here, trust it. If something deep inside you clicks and suddenly feels undeniable to you, don’t bottle it up. This is your truth. Own it.

🌊 Flow, don’t force. The things you desire are coming together in divine timing as we speak. You don’t need to rush anything. Find balance, take care of yourself, and trust that everything is aligning behind the scenes.

Reflect and Release

Here are a couple journaling prompts/reflection questions if you feel called to do so after this reading 🔮 If you feel comfortable, I would love for you to message me and tell me what you wrote!

1. What does success mean to you, beyond external recognition?

2. What truth have you been avoiding that is now becoming clear?

3. How can you bring more balance into your life while working toward your goals?

Always remember that you are exactly where you need to be. Keep going. The universe always has your back.

I’m so thankful for everyone here and am always supporting and rooting for you.

Until next time 💫

- Violetta Rose 🌹

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