Once you remember that time, try to remember what kind of mindset you were in.

And try to replicate that today.

What sort of habits did you have at the time that contributed to that good feeling, to those successes?

Because right now, you’re mainly focusing on, “I feel bad,” so all your attention and the onus is on that. And because of that, it feels like the only thing that matters, when it doesn’t have to be.

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This is not me telling you to not let yourself be sad and feel your emotions.

This is me telling you to not let those emotions rule who you are and who you become.

You do not need to become the personification or the allegory for sadness simply because you are currently experiencing a bout of sadness or going through something.

It does not have to become permanent when it’s meant to be temporary.

Now, some of you are at a point where advice on the internet may not be enough, and for those of you who feel that way, please, if you can, go consult a therapist, psychologist or doctor, this is not a substitute to professional help.

I’m just someone with a Bachelor’s in Psychology, so I have no clinical experience.

Another thing I want you to consider when you feel stuck is gratitude.

Not the forced kind.

Not the kind where you’re miserable and tell yourself, “Well, at least I should be grateful.”

I’m talking about genuinely looking at what you have right now and acknowledging what is working.

You can want something better while still appreciating what you currently have.

You can dislike your job and still be grateful that it pays your bills.

You can want a different relationship while still appreciating the people who love you now.

You can want to move into a new home while still being grateful that you have somewhere safe to sleep tonight.

You don’t have to pretend that you love your circumstances to appreciate what they are currently providing you.

I actually did this myself.

For a couple of days, I kept repeating:

“I don’t like this job right now, but I’m so grateful that it gives me the money to pay my bills.”

I wasn’t trying to convince myself that I loved the job at the moment. I didn’t.

I was simply acknowledging what it was doing for me. The following week, I was offered another promotion.

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Now, I’m not telling you that repeating an affirmation for a few days guarantees that you’ll receive a promotion the following week.

That’s not the point.

The point is that my attention shifted.

Instead of constantly focusing on how much I disliked my job at times, I started acknowledging what it was currently doing for me.

I stopped looking at it as something that was trapping me and started seeing it as something that was supporting me while I figured out what was next.

Sometimes you are so focused on what you don’t have that you fail to acknowledge what is already working in your favour.

And I think that’s where gratitude becomes pretty powerful.

Not because you need to be grateful to “earn” more.

Not because the universe is keeping score.

But because your attention matters.

What you consistently focus on becomes what you consistently notice.

So, if you’re feeling stuck right now, I want you to ask yourself:

What is working?

What do I already have that I once wanted?

What am I currently experiencing that I would have been grateful for a few years ago?

What is supporting me, even if it isn’t my final destination?

You don’t have to convince yourself that where you are is where you’re meant to stay. You simply need to stop treating where you are as though it is entirely bad.

Maybe you’re not stuck. Maybe you’re simply in a chapter you haven’t learned to appreciate yet.

And perhaps the most important thing you can do while waiting for the next chapter is to remember that this one is still yours. Feel what you need to feel. Want what you want. Change what needs to be changed. But don’t let temporary circumstances convince you that your entire life is defined by them.

You are allowed to be sad without becoming sadness. You are allowed to feel stuck without deciding that you are stuck. And you are allowed to want more while being grateful for what you already have.

Sometimes the shift begins when you stop asking, “Why don’t I have what I want yet?”

And start asking,

“What is already going right?”

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Every habit begins as a belief.

Every reality begins as an identity.

The life you experience is shaped by the story you repeatedly tell yourself about who you are. Your identity influences what you expect, what you tolerate, the opportunities you notice, the relationships you cultivate, and the decisions you make every day.

If you continue identifying with an old version of yourself, your mind will naturally seek familiarity by reinforcing the same thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Change doesn’t begin when your circumstances change. It begins when your identity does.

This is why I believe identity creates reality.

Imagine your mind as a garden.

Every thought is a seed.

The thoughts you water become the beliefs you hold. Those beliefs become your identity, and your identity shapes the reality you experience.

When you intentionally plant thoughts rooted in self-worth, confidence, love, abundance, and possibility, you begin cultivating a mindset that can sustain the life you want to build.

Transformation is not created overnight.

Consistency creates familiarity.

The more often you return to your desired identity, the more natural it begins to feel.

Persistence creates transformation.

You do not have to be perfect. Missing a day does not erase your progress. Growth is not about perfection, but about returning to the person you are choosing to become.

Every time you choose a thought that aligns with your desired identity, you are planting another seed.

Every time you nurture that seed with intention, you strengthen its roots.

Eventually, what once felt unfamiliar becomes your new normal.

This is the philosophy behind Seeds of Thought.

Plant intentionally.

Nurture consistently.

Become naturally.

Whether you realized it or not, your assumptions, expectations and beliefs have silently shaped the way you’ve interpreted the world, the opportunities you’ve pursued and the decisions you’ve made so far.

You may not have been conscious of it. But you have definitely been doing it.

If today you want to understand how to consciously manifest, let me help you.

Before we get into techniques, affirmations or SATS, we need to establish one thing.

Manifestation doesn’t begin with your circumstances.

It begins with your identity.

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If you haven’t already, I recommend reading one of my previous article on Self Concept vs. Ideal Self, as it lays the foundation for everything we’re about to discuss.

Without understanding who you believe yourself to be, it’s difficult to understand why your assumptions feel so believable in the first place.

According to the Law of Assumption, your external world reflects the assumptions you consistently hold about yourself and your life.

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Growing up, I was not very coddled or consoled when I was sad.

I was met with stern, logical explanations for behaviours, but not given the tools to deal with the emotions that came up after going through those situations.

Now, as an adult, I still crave that consolation.

I just have one wish.

And it is to be held and consoled while I cry.

To this day, this wish seems so distant.

So far away.

Like a fantasy you would see in a Disney movie.

Yet it is a very realistic thing.

There are several children being consoled as you read this piece.

As I write this piece…

Last night, I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could be consoled.

But my mom had told me a couple of days prior that she was tired.

And that she wanted to live her life for herself.

And I understand that she may be tired after raising three kids.

But I can’t help but think I didn’t get the same mom my older siblings got.

I got the frustrated version.

The one who was already tired of repeating the same things.

The one who was tired of giving herself away.

But…

And this will sound selfish.

How is that my fault?

Or my issue?

I didn’t choose to be here.

But she chose to have me.

How is it fair to tell me that you’re tired?

You wanted me.

And now you’re tired?

I get it.

But at the same time, I don’t.

I have not been alive for as long.

I have not lived the same circumstances she has.

I have not had the same struggles.

But I know that it can’t be fair to tell your youngest child that you’re tired because the older siblings ate at your essence.

I didn’t.

So why am I reaping those consequences?

I didn’t get the same amount of financial support my older sister did.

I didn’t have the security of having a roof over my head paid for during my first year of university like my older brother did.

No.

At 17, I left my parents behind on a different continent.

I took on student loans.

Paid for my own shared apartment.

Paid for and cooked my own food.

Managed my own money.

Classes.

Paperwork.

I was made to be more responsible than either of my siblings at the same age.

But I get the same treatment they do.

And I just don’t think that is fair to me.

I wish she would see that.

But every conversation turns into a battle over whose truth is more important, more valuable, or harder.

There’s no real connection through the hardships.

None.

Just a perpetual combat.

One that ends with, “I tried, and now I’m tired.”

And so, at 25, I just have one wish.

It is to be hugged while I cry.

Instead of surviving and hoping the next feat is big enough for her to want to hear me out without resistance.

But how does one start that process when they don’t know where to start?

As someone who once found themselves asking the same question, I can give you the advice that got me to have a robust self concept, going from thinking I only brought misery to the table, was unlucky, ugly, unworthy of love, good for nothing to beautiful, eloquent, well spoken, intelligent, lucky, a magnet for opportunities and wealth.

The first thing is understanding what is self concept?

Your self concept is the inner identity you carry. It’s more than confidence or self-esteem; it’s the quiet narrative you live by every single day. Every “I am” statement that runs through your mind is a thread weaving into the larger story of who you believe yourself to be. Over time, this story becomes your reality.

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Next up is sitting down and identifying the things that got you to thinking the way that you currently do. When? who? How did it start? And why did you continue to perpetuate these thoughts?

Deconstructing the genesis of these belief systems is very important. It’ll help you be able to construct new beliefs systems in its place, once you give yourself the grace and understand that these beliefs don’t have to follow you for the rest of your life.

You might be thinking, well I know all this but still, I don’t see any change.

There’s actually another component we need to understand and that is the Ideal Self.

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In those five years of friendship, we obviously grew as people.

But the one thing that led me to end our friendship was a lack of recognition of my character as a person. A whole person, distinct from the emotions and feelings they felt in my presence.

This person liked what I made them feel about themselves but never acknowledged the person I was behind the emotional reaction my companionship created within them.

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Any time any component of my identity was brought up in conversation, it was forgotten or dismissed.

What region of my country am I from? They didn’t know.

What was the accurate pronunciation of my last name? I corrected them, and they said they wanted to pronounce it “in English.” My name is pronounced in French, and they speak French, yet refused to correct their pronounciation.

I talk about how, as a Black woman in the dating scene, I am often seen as a sexual object and not engaged with as someone worth pursuing beyond casual encounters by a certain group of men.

“That’s not true.”

Any time something wasn’t going their way, I was either wrong or the discussion needed to end.

In contrast, when they would complain about how they were perceived because of their racial identity, I sat and supported them. I even went out of my way to bring up discussions about racism towards their community to make them feel seen and heard. They couldn’t do any of it for me if it didn’t make them feel good about themselves.

If I wanted to explain how them wearing cornrows may be seen as cultural appropriation, they would stop me and say, “But some people in my culture…” referring to a group no one had ever heard them mention before, despite spending countless hours talking about their culture over the previous four years. Instead of being willing to have an educated discussion about my reasoning, they simply claimed it was part of their culture through a group they weren’t even a part of.

Deflection.

They told me, once again, that it wasn’t true and that their African coworker braided their hair, so why would it matter?

I’m nowhere near perfect, but I can recognize when someone doesn’t like being challenged and will gladly shut you up when you try.

Yet, when they needed a shoulder to cry on because someone had made light of their ethnicity or appropriated it to look a certain way, I was there supporting them. Always.

I do not write this as a sob story but as a cautionary tale.

Do not mistake the feelings someone makes you feel for friendship or love if you cannot stand ever being challenged.

You may not actually like the person. You may only like what you feel in their presence. There is a big distinction between the two.

I may like how I feel around someone. That doesn’t necessarily mean I like their character. Do not lead with your ego, as it will keep you from having important conversations. Conversations needed for your own development. If you move through life never being challenged and always thinking you are the smartest person in the room, some nasty surprises will meet you down the line.

I understand some may want to conclude this person was a narcissist or something similar. But, the need for people to label every difficult person with a personality disorder also deserves discussion. Not every asshole you meet suffers from NPD. And this “friend” was not a narcissist.

Perhaps they were simply selfish. Indeed, they were. But it goes beyond that.

Being unable to separate the emotional state you’re experiencing from the person you’re engaging with is essential if you want to make sound judgments, especially in situations where you may encounter dangerously manipulative people.

So yes, it can be that deep.

Yes, we should talk about how these “little” things in friendships are often part of a much bigger pattern. Once you begin making those observations, know that you don’t always have to try to change these people.

In my case, this friend had exhibited those behaviours for months, even years, but towards other people. I would call them out from time to time, but they would dismiss the conversation with, “I know what I want and deserve.”

In that pursuit, they became everything they used to complain about.

The person who continued dragging people along despite not liking them, incessantly talking badly about them behind their backs while smiling to their faces, and when directly asked about the state of the friendship, insisting everything was fine.

The person who spent months complaining after a coworker called them basic one time, only to become someone who called others basic years later if they didn’t dress on the same level.

Once again, when called out, they denied it.

The person who couldn’t simply be grateful for gifts and would immediately return them with the very person who bought them while talking down about them.

“I would never wear this colour.” This, after spending months saying they wanted to wear more colour.

Or the person who became upset when someone, unsure what to buy them because they were difficult to shop for, chose to give them money instead. When that person asked, “Would that be enough?”, they later complained the gift was lazy.

The person who wanted everyone else to do what they wanted, when they wanted it, and who couldn’t accept the boundary of “I’m sober” or “weed causes me panic attacks.”

Yet when they themselves said no, no negotiation was expected. Unlike what they expected from everyone else.

So, yes, they were incredibly selfish. Of course I noticed it in the end. But if there’s a lesson to be learned, I’ll always choose to learn it.

I also learned that, just as blind as they were to realizing they liked what they felt in my presence rather than who I actually was, I too was guilty of something similar.

I liked what they represented to me. A temporary cure for my loneliness. I was extremely lonely when I met them, and they filled that hole. For that, I’m thankful.

But after therapy, I realized I didn’t need more people outside of me. I needed to fix what was inside. Once I did, I no longer felt that loneliness. I felt whole. I woke up to a truth that had been there the entire time.

They were never as great as I had made them out to be.

They were a flawed human being. As was I.

The difference is that they never wanted to acknowledge their own flaws or have conversations about them.

Ultimately, that is what led me to end the friendship.

So you too should make those observations. Talk to your friends. Address issues. Don’t end a friendship over two isolated problems.

Ask yourself:

Is there a pattern?

Is there a pattern of trying to speak with them or call them out, only for them to perpetually refuse to listen?

Do they have a pattern of extreme hypocrisy once they’re no longer the victim?

Are they unwilling to acknowledge their flaws?

And if they do recognize them, are they willing to address them, whether with you or perhaps with a therapist?

Those are all questions I asked myself.

And I asked them.

The answer was simple.

They didn’t see their wrongdoings.

They didn’t believe they were wrong.

They didn’t want to hear me out.

They didn’t want to entertain the idea of therapy despite acknowledging issues they struggled with.

Instead, they chose to continue engaging in the very unhealthy habits those issues created.

Know that, as the saying goes, you are not “Captain Save A Hoe.”

Or, as J. Cole put it:

“Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved.”

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for both people is to let your paths diverge.

You’ll have tried.

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Ready to make the phone call. Ready to go to the gym. Ready to apply for the job. Ready to leave the house. Ready to talk to that person. Ready to live.

The problem is that readiness never came.

Anxiety is fascinating because it convinces you that preparation is action. You create a to-do list. You watch videos about productivity. You read articles on confidence. You save posts about healing. You research. You plan. You think. And yet your life remains exactly the same. You mistake consumption for progress.

The reality is that anxiety isn’t defeated through understanding alone. It is defeated through evidence. Every promise you make to yourself is a contract. And every time you break that contract, you gather evidence against yourself.

Imagine if your best friend constantly told you they would show up.

“I’ll be there.”

“I’ll call you.”

“I’ll help.”

“I’ll come.”

And then they never did.

Eventually, you would stop believing them. Not because you hate them. Because they have proven themselves unreliable. So why do you expect yourself to trust your own word when you repeatedly break promises to yourself?

“I’ll start tomorrow.”

“I’ll go for a walk later.”

“I’ll meal prep this week.”

“I’ll apply next month.”

“I’ll try when I feel better.”

Anxiety thrives in this environment. Because every broken promise reinforces the idea that you are incapable. Not incapable in reality. Incapable according to the evidence you’ve collected. Trust is not built through motivation. Trust is built through consistency.

Most people treat themselves worse than they would ever treat a friend. If a friend called and said they were having a difficult day, you would probably show compassion. If a friend wanted to start going to the gym, you would encourage them. If a friend failed once, you likely wouldn’t tell them they’re a failure.

Yet many people wake up every morning and immediately become their own worst critic. They demand perfection. They expect immediate results. They ridicule themselves for mistakes. Then they wonder why they feel anxious all the time.

Your nervous system is listening.

Anxiety often grows when your actions communicate uncertainty. Every day you say one thing and do another. Every day your intentions and behaviour fail to align. Every day you teach yourself that your own word means very little.

Of course you’re anxious. Why would you trust someone who never follows through?

The solution is surprisingly boring.

Start making smaller promises. Promises so small they feel ridiculous. Go for a five-minute walk. Read one page. Clean one corner of a room. Stretch for two minutes. Drink one glass of water. Not because these actions will magically change your life. Because they teach your brain something much more important. They teach your brain that when you say something, it happens. That you can rely on yourself. That your word carries weight.

Over time, these tiny acts compound.

A five-minute walk becomes thirty. One page becomes a chapter. One application becomes ten. One conversation becomes a friendship. And most importantly, anxiety loses one of its favourite weapons. The belief that you cannot handle life.

The goal was never to become fearless. The goal was to become trustworthy. To yourself. Because once you trust yourself, anxiety stops feeling like a prison sentence and starts feeling like what it always was: a feeling, a temporary one.

And unlike your feelings, your habits will remain.

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How you explain events to yourself is one of the most powerful ways to rewire your self concept. When positive things happen, attribute them internally. Say to yourself, “That happened because of me. Because of my energy, my worth, my effort.” Allow the good to reinforce your identity.

When challenges or setbacks arise, attribute them externally or neutrally. Say, “That was just timing,” or “That was their perspective, not my truth.” This keeps negative events from attaching to your self concept. Over time, this practice strengthens the belief that you are powerful and capable, no matter what is happening around you.

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Imagine having a friend that always speaks negatively about you, your goals, your aspirations. Brutal right? Right. But you can always stop being friends with them, you can take them out of the equation that is your life and move on to be a happy individual who succeeds.

Now imagine that same scenario, except instead of a friend it’s yourself. You always speak negatively about yourself, your goals, aspirations and impose limits upon yourself that don’t actually exist.

Now the stark difference between these two scenarios is that well in this second one you can’t get rid of yourself. You wake up every single day as yourself until the day you die.

It’s now much harder to go on now isn’t it?

You don’t believe in yourself but can’t leave yourself at home when it pleases you.

That’s why I believe you need to be delusional about everything you want in life. Start just lying to yourself until that lie becomes truth.

You don’t need to believe in it as much as you think it. The more repetition, consistency in telling yourself that thing, the closer it is to being true.

Let me take myself as an example.

I used to love soda growing up. I would drink orange, grape and cream soda Crush and coke religiously. And one day when I was around 20 I decided to start lying. Tell myself and others I hated soda, especially Coke. That the only ones I could drink maybe once or twice a year were Root Beer and Ginger Ale. And do you know what happened? Exactly that. I now genuinely despise the taste of Coke and all sodas except the two previously mentioned and everyone around me including the family that saw me down sodas after sodas as a child now refer to me as “the one who doesn’t like soft drinks”. It is one of the most disgusting thing to drink in my opinion.

Now let’s extrapolate that to everything else.

You want to graduate with Summa Cum Laude? Just say you’re a studious person that always gets straight A’s, on the Dean’s list.

Slowly you and your actions align with that.

You start to skip out on some night outs and study instead. You start to retain the material faster, focus more in class and come the end of your bachelor’s you’re walking across the stage with mention Summa Cum Laude.

Another great way to understand why it is important for you to not believe in limits is to realize that there are people out there that have exactly what you want. Down to the house, car and pet. What’s the difference between you and them? They were delusional enough to believe they could get it and you aren’t.

Some of the worst but richest people genuinely were delusional and believed they were figures of advancement and discovery before anyone else believed in them or their products/goals.

Take Elon Musk.

I know a horrible man but just stay with me for a second.

Did you know that he would go around saying that he was the reincarnation of the spirit of Alexander the Great?

Not after getting to a billion dollars but before even securing funding for his company Zip2.

By the age Alexander the Great conquered the known world (30) Elon Musk had already become a millionaire (27).

Proof that delusions of grandeur can be beneficial to truly succeeding in life. Elon Musk isn’t the only example. Tons of celebrities have had this “delusional” strength to themselves: Michael Jackson, Jim Carrey, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Aniston, Ariana Grande, Megan Fox, etc.

Now the point of this article isn’t to motive you to be a trillionaire that abuses of tax evasion, their power and influence but to simply let you know that yes you can.

So do you need your current circumstances to be proof of everything going your way? No.

Both SpaceX and Tesla were on the brink of shutting down before Musk miraculously respectively got funding from NASA and a financing round being closed last minute.

Continuing to believe in yourself and your projects is the true key to making it in this lifetime. Not hard work. Some of hardest working people are making dimes on the dollar as you read this.

The more money you make the less hard work you put in.

After reading this article, I want you to make a list of the goals you want to achieve in this lifetime. Then, I want you to know that you can and will achieve them as long as you become not only delusional about them but also know that you are your biggest supporter. You need to glaze yourself, think you are all that, you are the prize. Once you become delusional, you stop worrying and start to believe “everything always works out for me”.

You end up mastering detachment. You are no longer bound to the results but just the feeling of having accomplished those results.

Ask me what I think about the new album Stray Kids just released.

Ask me about my favourite shows.

Ask me anything really.

I grew up always making space for others to share their beliefs, thoughts, cultures, opinions, fears, etc. So much so that I forgot to notice when people would ask me about myself, make that same effort, reciprocate without being asked to.

At the grown age of 25 I realized I had been friends with someone who would call me their best friend but they didn’t even know where I was from, couldn’t listen to me for long, would interrupt me when I spoke, and didn’t like when I had opinions that included my identity as a black woman such as things pertaining to the influence of black culture or more importantly, the fact that lots of our culture gets adopted by others without credit. They really didn’t like the term cultural appropriation but would speak about it at long when it came to their culture. And of course, I would listen, make them feel heard and valid.

But they could never tell you which Kpop group I was into or what shows I like to watch either, never took the time to show me the same curiosity or take on a little bit of the emotional burden in the friendship.

Yet I knew everything about them.

Including their family members’ birthdays.

They never made space for me to talk about my cultural identity, my identity and experiences as a queer black woman.

If anything, they would refuse to listen to my opinion if it didn’t align with theirs.

And so I realized I was THEIR best friend and they weren’t one to me.

I was there to make them feel seen but they didn’t want to see me, or didn’t care to see me. Even in our last conversation, they made it about what THEY wanted instead of listening to any of my needs.

It made me ponder, wonder and consider what do I look for in a friend?

I then came to the realization that I look for someone who is willing to ask me about my opinions, listen to them even when they don’t agree.

I want someone who remembers what I tell them.

Doesn’t force what they want onto me if they know don’t like those things.

Not someone who forces to a bar or club to drink when they know I’m sober.

The deepest form of love someone can show me is remembering something I told them in confidence.

The other week I was talking to a friend who remembered what I had told her last year about my circumstances with my sister and family as a whole.

She remembered exactly where we were eating, what day it was and she doesn’t know that it deeply touched me that she remembered that.

It might seem small to some of you reading but being remembered is such an intimate feeling to me.

With 8 billion people on earth, only a handful get to know you. So when these people remember the little details about you, it’s feels like a warm embrace that says « how could I forget about you ?».

To me it tells me that person has an ongoing desire to know, understand and get to know my current and evolving sentiments, emotions.

And that specifically means more to me than any material thing.

The gift of love, attention and intentional engagement makes me feel the most appreciated and I wish that upon all of you reading this.

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If you’ve been trying to reach a certain goal but haven’t been able to yet, have you been able to figure out why? If so, was a lack of endurance or patience the conclusion you came to?

Part 2: Endurance

Starting is exciting. You set a new goal, you feel motivated, you buy the planner, the gym membership, or the shiny supplies. For a moment, it feels like progress. But the truth is: anyone can start, only a few can endure. Think of running a race. The first stretch feels good; your legs are fresh, your mind is sharp, and you’re keeping pace. Then someone passes you. Or you feel a cramp. Or you get tired earlier than expected. Many people quit here. They stop running because they feel defeated by someone else’s progress, or they let temporary discomfort convince them it’s permanent. And yet that’s endurance: the ability to keep going even when you’re not the fastest, even when you’re tired, even when it doesn’t feel rewarding. And here’s the problem: most people don’t build it.

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The Illusion of Progress

Statistics back this up. Studies show that 43% of people quit their New Year’s resolutions by the end of January, and only 9% actually keep them long-term. When it comes to fitness, research from the HFA found that 50% of new gym members quit within six months. Why? Because buying a gym membership or announcing a resolution gives people a dopamine hit that feels like progress. They feel accomplished just by declaring, “I’m going to get fit” or “I’m starting a business.” And when friends cheer or encourage them, that validation tricks the brain into thinking the goal is already achieved. So the grind never comes. This is why you’ll see people hyped up in January with vision boards, hashtags, and big declarations… only to disappear by mid February.

Endurance is the Filter

Endurance is what filters the over thinkers, the dreamers from the doers, achievers. It’s the ability to show up on day 63 with the same energy you had on day 1, even when no one is cheering anymore, even when it feels tedious, even when you’re exhausted.

Here's my thought: You could be passed by someone faster. You could get tired. You could lose motivation. Endurance is the difference between stopping when you’re tired versus stopping when you’re actually done.

Some actions I’ve taken to break the trap of endurance are the following:

1. I keep my plans private. I share the results not my intentions (this also helps alleviate pressure honestly). Avoid the dopamine hits you get from oversharing goals.

2. I focus on consistency not speed. Not everything materializes over night. It might be achieved for you in the 4D but in the 3D not yet.

3. Track your streaks instead of your motivation. Endurance is built on repetition. Checking off everyday you show up helps push you to continue.

4. Redefine success to your standards. Some days finishing the workout is success, other days it’s showing up to the gym when you didn’t want to. These both matter.

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I clicked off after a few minutes and went back to watching anime because I genuinely did not care, but also because I don’t necessarily think it is that deep. Let me explain.

This particular creator had built her whole career around not getting plastic surgery because she loved her body as it is. Yes, I understand that by getting surgery after building a platform on which she said she would never get surgery is 100% hypocritical. She should rightfully be criticized for this. But I think it should stop there.

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Why are people now saying they no longer feel confident in THEIR own bodies because SHE got surgery on hers? She clearly used the body positivity movement to cover the fact that she was insecure and made the mistake of thinking posting online for others to see would help her in her own walk with insecurity.

But what we should bring attention to is the fact that some of her viewers’ self-worth was attached to hers. That should never have been the case. Why is your self-worth and self-esteem dependent on some random creator online? Why do her actions change how you view yourself? Why was she held as this saviour level, pedestalized?

None of the above should have been a thing. No one online should determine how you feel about your looks or personality. No one you follow online should be put on a pedestal. The higher they are, the higher the fall.

Why are people so comfortable putting so much trust, importance, and value in a parasocial relationship? Why are people curating false identities based on their favourite influencers?

I hate to be that person but we live in a society that has pushed individualism as the norm and I do believe that internet users (netizens) having more and more parasocial relationships with influencers online is a proof of that.

Had the netizens had someone at home, a friend, a loved one, a therapist, or best case scenario, a community to help them work through their low self-worth and self-esteem, I don’t believe the amount of parasocial relationships of this kind would be so important.

In parallel, we need to also stop basing our opinions on what influencers, creators, streamers have to say. You should not go to social media for any and every question you have. If you cannot form an opinion without hearing someone else’s first, you have bigger fish to fry.

Why do you need some random strangers’ opinion to know what your opinion should be? Especially strangers you have nothing in common with.

Let’s go back to reading books, the news, scientific papers and then forming opinions.

We don’t need to know what 17 year old Kayla who just dropped out of high school to pursue her “Day in the life” content has to say about the most recent elections. She probably isn’t informed enough to speak on them.

Have we not learned that most influencers do not care about their audiences?

That most things being peddled online by strangers are commodities now?

Have we not noticed that streamers are willing to perform modern-day minstrel shows for a few subscriptions on Twitch?

Are we criticizing them for a mistake any other human would make, or are we criticizing a mistake that reflects on who we are? As if their actions reflect who we are as a completely different individual.

Some of these cancellations and/or commentary videos on these influencers seem to crucify young people making mistakes the same way criminals are treated. (Important to note that I am not referencing any creators using slurs or mocking minorities, just the ones that make regular mistakes)

My philosophy on engaging with people online:

The only way I will go about watching or following people on the internet is to take the advice, the art, the entertainment, and leave the person behind. That is a sure-fire way to not be sad or disappointed when the person makes a mistake or says something that most of us have said behind closed doors. I don’t believe in putting anybody on a pedestal or holding them to a different standard than I would my friends and family. Creators are humans, with all the flaws that accompany them. I would hate to be human online and have 16 video essays dissecting the one mistake I made because I was insecure. Being put on blast by so many people for mistakes they’ve made themselves must feel like hell.

I think the next time you engage with some of your favourite creators you should ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I admiring this person’s work, or am I attaching my self-worth to their success?

• If a family member of mine made this content would I hold them to the same standard I hold this creator to ?

• Do I feel whole and valuable without comparing myself to this creator?

• Do I like them for their flaws and all or expect them to be perfect all the time?

• Do I know where they end and where I begin?

• If this creator stopped creating would I still know who I am and what I value?

I understand some of the opinions I’ve explained in this short essay could be polarizing but I truly do not believe dogpiling on an insecure individual online is the best way to give constructive criticism to “help” them. All it does is add fuel to the pre-exisiting fire in most of these minor cancellations. Let’s stop overanalyzing every little misstep these creators make and start separating ourselves from the projected idea we have of the influencers.

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Comparing yourself to others who might not desire the same things as you, who do not have the same experiences as you is completely useless.

For the last couple of years I kept comparing myself to influencers and others my age and think I was falling behind or not doing what I was supposed to do. But what am I supposed to do? Is there one single thing someone in their early-mid 20’s is expected to do?

The short answer is no.

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There is not one real thing a young adult is “supposed” to do.

You get to choose who you want to be, who you want to show up as.

What did younger you want to do?

Has that changed? Very possibly.

You change as you age, so does society therefore living up to expectations made 2 decades ago by random people does not really make sense now does it?

In order to redefine my life and experiences as an adult I had to let go of the expectations set by my family and create ones I truly wanted to accomplish, wanted to fulfill for myself and myself only.

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No longer listening to your favourite artist because their latest album, which you thoroughly enjoyed, flopped.

Posting a “can we normalize wearing skinny jeans” video on TikTok because you want to wear them but don’t want to be ashamed or made fun of.

I hate to begin this think piece in the following manner, but boy, do we live in a society.

A society of spectacle.

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On one side, people commit crimes on livestream for clicks, views, engagement and, more importantly, money. Essentially becoming a product to an audience that pays with its time and attention.

On the other, we seek validation so intensely that we would let a potentially perfect relationship go to waste simply because our friends do not perceive the person we already like and find attractive as attractive themselves.

Now, why does that actually matter?

They aren’t the ones sleeping with them, kissing them, building a family or a future with them, and yet their opinions override our own needs for romantic connection, our desire to be seen by a partner, and our attraction to that individual.

Isn’t that curious?

For the sake of validation, we are more than willing to forego a fruitful relationship.

What about dating apps?

Let me tell you about them. We market ourselves as best as possible in hopes that someone will look at our profile for more than a second, not dismissing us based on the first picture. Then we hope someone sends a like, maybe we get a match, and later we wait for a message. But did we really want to converse with ten people at once, or did we just want to know that we could be wanted by more than one partner? How many first messages are we actually sending? How many conversations get past the initial “Hi.”? Did we really want to find someone, or did we download Hinge for a temporary ego boost?

One of my favourite sociology books, Guy Debord’s The Society of Spectacle says the following:

Take your favourite underground artist, for instance. If you were a Billie Eilish fan in 2017, did it annoy you that she became popular and was no longer your little secret?

Some of you will say yes. Don’t lie.

The same applies to viral TikTok items. Do you still use that Hydro Flask you bought a couple of years ago? Maybe. But you probably also bought a Stanley cup and, more recently, an Owala bottle. Not necessarily because you liked them, but to fit in with micro-trends. People just needed to know that you were aware of the trends and keeping up with them.

But we also need to realize that the moment a commodity becomes popular, mainstream, it loses its intrinsic value in our eyes.

I believe this passage from The Society of Spectacle sums this up perfectly:

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Our continuous search for novelty and external validation or permission has disrupted our reward system to the point that the outsider’s perception of our choices becomes more important than our own.

The For You page is only for you when you are consuming content on your own device.

But when you are posting to it, or hoping your content reaches it, it is no longer “for you.” It becomes for them. It will not land on your own feed. The content you produce becomes for others, not for yourself.

Those story highlights can arguably be for you. Not everyone will see them. But that video you post? It is exclusively for others to see. Otherwise, it would remain on your phone or on a private account.

You might argue that you are posting for yourself, whether for exposure therapy, to help others, or to spread a message. But spreading it to who? Other people.

Now, understand that posting for other people is not necessarily negative. Spreading awareness about a disease, a disorder, or a war is meaningful. But it is still for other people.

And that is where lies the distinction.

It is not about whether something is for you or for others. It is about whether you have outsourced your sense of value to those others.

There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be seen, validated, or understood. These are deeply human desires. But when your decisions become dependent on permission, when your preferences become contingent on approval, and when your identity starts to be what is rewarded rather than what is true, something internal has shifted.

Your time, your attention, your choices, and even your desires start to orbit around an external audience.

You are no longer asking, “Do I like this?”
You are asking, “Is this going to be liked?”

You are no longer choosing based on intrinsic value.
You are choosing based on perceived reception.

And slowly, almost imperceptibly, you become both the product and the consumer of the spectacle.

The question then is not whether you are participating. We all participate.

The question is: at what point did you stop being the creator of your own preferences and start waiting for permission to have them?

Since I cannot quote the whole book, I’d like to leave this last quote from Guy Debord’s The Society of Spectacle:

Debord, G. (1994). The society of the spectacle (D. Nicholson-Smith, Trans.). Zone Books.

But wanting isn’t enough and never will be.

If I were honest with myself, I’ve started many things I didn’t finish. I’ve set goals that didn’t last past the wave of initial excitement. And for that I’ve blamed my circumstances, my resources (or lack thereof) and even the people around me for why I wasn’t where I wanted or hoped to have been.

But here’s the truth, the only thing that was standing in between me and my goals was myself.

And it’s probably the same for you.

You’re not lazy, untalented or incapable. Well, it could be but it’s also mostly that you keep falling into the same traps. You get comfortable with what you manage to get, you lack endurance to pursue your goals longer than a month, your ego gets in the way and you have limiting beliefs. These elements are silent killers of progress.

I originally was writing this for myself but I realize that there are others out there who might resonate and recognize themselves in these habits. So please, hold on and understand that your goals aren’t out of reach, but the version of you that’s clinging onto comfort, excuses and doubt? That version needs to go.

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Part 1 : Comfort

The first time I realized was a trap was in 2023. After losing my job in tech, I had a hard time finding a new position. And slowly but surely I got comfortable with being home all day, watching YouTube, Twitch and reading my books and Webtoons. But my garbage started piling in my room, I started avoiding going outside to take the trash, avoiding going to the grocery store, ordering delivery for everything, breakfast, lunch, dinner. Going outside felt like a foreign concept. I was comfortable staying inside.

Comfort feels safe. It feels warm, familiar and reliable. Think about a cold winter morning: your alarm goes off, but the blankets are heavy, soft and perfectly warm. Even I’ve been through this, getting out of bed means facing the cill, the effort, and the unknown risks of the day ahead. So, you stay. That’s the trap.

We often live our lives this way, choosing the blanket of what feels good over the discomfort of what helps us grow. Comfort zones give us the illusion of safety, but they slowly and quietly rob us of progress.

The same applies when it comes to people. For many, the real comfort zone isn’t just their habits, it’s conformity. Blending in. Staying quiet. Not standing out too much, not taking risks, and not being seen as “different”.

But conformity is dangerous because it feels productive without actually being so. You get the comfort of belonging, but not the reward of growth. Taking as an example Solomon Asch’s line-judgement experiments1, it revealed that many participants conformed to an incorrect majority answer rather than risk disagreement.

Another popular demonstration, like the famous “Face the rear” elevator bit2 (a staged group turns to face the back of the elevator), shows the same idea in everyday life: people mirror the group’s behaviour even when it makes no sense.

The takeaway: people often behave as if the group’s norms are reality, but you can deliberately choose otherwise. Conformity means erasing your uniqueness to fit in. Assimilation means finding ways to adapt to a group, community or culture while still keeping your identity intact. The truth is: comfort zones and conformity are killers of potential. They trick you into thinking you’re safe, when in reality, you’re just stuck. Growth happens when you step out of the cozy blanket and into the cold. When you risk standing out. When you accept that discomfort is a sign you’re heading the right direction.

I believe every time you choose discomfort over comfort, or individuality over conformity, you’re teaching yourself resilience. You’re building the muscles that will carry you to your goals.

The actions I’ve personally taken to break the trap of comfort ere the following:

• I do at least one uncomfortable thing a day. Speak to someone new (I’m deeply introverted and hate small talk). Take a new route or ask for feedback I’m afraid to hear (I’m a perfectionist through and through, my deepest fear is not performing well at work).

• I check myself for conformity. Am I saying or doing something just because everyone else is? I often ask myself, if no one was watching, would I still do this?

• I practice small acts of individuality. Share a real opinion in a group conversation (for instance if someone brings up traveling to Dubai, I share my very strong and real opinion). I started dressing in a way that reflects me instead of finding under baggy clothes. I let people see me instead of the watered-down version.

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We went to a destination I had absolutely no interest in and had mentioned this to the group: London, England.

We went anyway because this friend really wanted to go for his birthday and also wanted to visit his sister there.

Before and during the trip, I mentioned that afterward, we wouldn’t be hanging out as much because the trip was very expensive. Being Canadian, the exchange rate between the Canadian dollar and the British sterling pound is not in your favour. Both friends understood this and had no issues, or so I thought.

And so we traveled.

We discussed what we liked and didn’t like about the trip, as well as our respective faults.

I mentioned that I didn’t like how expensive activities were my friends’ preference. They explained that I never explicitly said no, which they were right about, so I let it go. I didn’t say no. I only hesitated and commented on the cost when prices were mentioned, but I never directly declined. He also mentioned that his family would pay him back and if his budget was $3000 and ours was $1000 we should expect to spend more than our budget… Do with that what you will.

All was good.

We came back and hung out less, but we still saw each other about four times that month, roughly once a week. We texted slightly less as well, which made sense since we weren’t seeing each other four times a week like we had before the trip.

I also had personal family issues going on, so I didn’t really feel up to socializing. I just wanted to stick to my routine and go to the gym to feel better, which helped tremendously. Despite this, I showed up for him when he needed me, when it mattered.

But suddenly, my friend started asking other people why we weren’t speaking or hanging out as much instead of asking me directly.

When he finally did come to me weeks lated, he said that I didn’t value the friendship as much as he did because we texted less for 4 weeks, not stopped texting just less. And at first claimed he remembered what I said about hanging out less but during our second conversation, he said he actually didn’t remember and didn’t even remember saying the thing about value. So I caught him in a lie. He said he still wanted to hangout, like we would before, to which I thought, but that is exactly what I don’t want to do because I need to save, not spend $20 a day going to 4 coffee shops a week.

He also said he had been there for my graduation and when I had a bad date, both of which happened over two years ago. But I had too, his graduation, during a date, so I was left perplexed by the examples…

That immediately made me realize I had spent years being kind to someone who didn’t acknowledge what was done for him unless it met his standards or timing.

Despite helping him proofread, correct, and type a job application, assisting him with job searches, helping with immigration paperwork, lending him my plates and bowls for a family gathering and delivering them to a location of his choosing only to not get them back for over two years, lending him a nail-cutting set that was never returned, showing up for him when he fainted at the gym and bringing him food, traveling to a foreign country I had no interest in just for his birthday, running errands with him, storing heavy purchases in my apartment when he got tired of carrying them, and later bringing them to him the next day.

Now, it might seem like I was keeping track of everything, but I wasn’t, not until he brought up value and listed what he had done for me, which again amounted to two examples from years ago. I just started to reflect on our friendship and what could push him to hold such a strong position.

I realized that no matter what I did, if it wasn’t what he wanted at that moment, or if I didn’t want to do something or genuinely couldn’t, it was interpreted as me not being a good friend.

He also said that he thought both me and our other friend didn’t value him because we didn’t immediately throw him a birthday party back in Canada. He said he had done things for our birthdays and expected the same.

I was puzzled. We traveled to another country to celebrate his birthday. We had a birthday dinner, cut a cake, went to high tea at a luxury hotel, went clubbing despite no one wanting to go, and then tried over six times to invite him to dinner once we were back in Canada, but he kept saying no to our invites.

He then compared this to what he and our other friend had done the previous year while I was on a solo and family trip abroad. These situations weren’t comparable, as they weren’t on the trip with me like we were for his, and I was available to go to brunch when asked because I had also suggested meeting up upon coming back to Canada.

It was unsettling to finally realize that he kept count, something he admitted himself, of what he did for others and expected equal returns. He even threw a tantrum about not wanting to attend another girl’s birthday because she didn’t do something for his birthday this year. Meanwhile, she was in Canada and messaged him to wish him a happy birthday while we were all in London on our way to his birthday dinner, to which he replied only “Ty.” He only came back to Canada 3 weeks after his birthday had passed.

This made me realize that he might simply be spoiled and childish, and I no longer wanted to pursue a friendship with someone so entitled.

Why buy someone a gift just to be asked, “they didn’t have black?” Then watch them return the gift in front of you to buy something entirely different. This happened when he eventually had another birthday dinner and celebration here, and it wasn’t the first time.

Last Christmas, he said the pants we got him weren’t the ones he wanted, despite pointing to that exact pair in the store the week prior. The birthday before that, the same thing happened with a Lululemon pair of pants I got him. Even though they were very similar to what he had shown on Pinterest, he said he didn’t like them, returned them, exchanged them for a beanie, and lost the gift card.

My psychologist called him an entitled brat. My mom, who told me not to be friends with him five years ago, said he was entitled and inconsiderate. My brother agreed. Everyone seemed to hold the same opinion, which made me realize I wasn’t imagining things.

So I decided to end the friendship.

I understand this may come across as a rant about everything I disliked about my friend, and in part it is, but there is an important lesson I learned.

We were both at fault.

I was at fault for continuing a friendship with someone who guilt-tripped me into going to clubs and bars. I have the ability to say no. I am an adult. I should stand by my opinions and expect to be heard by someone who calls themselves my best friend. But whenever this person disagreed with me, they would dismiss me and my experiences, and I didn’t push back to preserve “peace” and to people-please.

Being a people pleaser is a selfish act. Why please others? Because it makes you more likable, more palatable, more dependable. But it comes at a cost: betraying yourself, your morals, and your values.

I shouldn’t have continued this behaviour for years. I should have spoken up earlier. I did try, but it wasn’t received well and was ignored. I should have walked away then, not five years later. In other words, I was a pushover.

On his part, the issue was being nice for potential benefit. Why do something while expecting something in return? That expectation is on you, not on the person who didn’t reciprocate. They didn’t ask for it. You imposed something they never wanted and then demanded the same back.

When we first became friends, I mentioned that I didn’t like chocolate, cake, or flowers. For my last two birthdays, he gave me chocolate, cake, and flowers. I don’t enjoy grand gestures for my birthday. I prefer a nice walk and a good conversation over brunch. I don’t care much for gifts, just quality time. But that’s not what he enjoys, so that’s not what he offered. Instead of complaining, I accepted it as his way of expressing care and was grateful.

I’m glad I ended the friendship. After all, he never pronounced my last name properly, and when I corrected him, he said, “well that’s how I’m pronouncing it in English,” and continued to mispronounce it.

Looking back, the real issue wasn’t just entitlement or mismatched expectations. It was the fact that, throughout those years of friendship, I fell short of having self-respect and enforcing my boundaries.

I was sober. I didn’t smoke weed or drink alcohol. I was clear about that from the start. I’m diagnosed with panic disorder, and I had told this friend multiple times that weed triggers panic attacks for me. Yet when he would guilt-trip me and say he couldn’t drink or smoke alone, I gave in. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to disappoint or be perceived as difficult.

The same pattern showed up again when I left the ER after experiencing palpitations and tachycardia. The doctor explicitly told me to manage my stress and take it easy. That same day, he wanted me to go to the gym with him anyway. My health, once again, was secondary to his wants. At least that time I didn’t give in.

That’s when it clicked.

A lack of boundaries teaches people how to treat you. When you repeatedly abandon yourself to keep the peace, you silently communicate that your needs are negotiable. Over time, resentment builds, not because the other person is crossing boundaries, but because you never truly enforced them.

Self-respect isn’t loud. It doesn’t require explanations, guilt, or justification. It’s quiet, firm, and consistent. It’s choosing yourself even when it makes others uncomfortable. Especially when it makes others uncomfortable. All it takes is a simple no.

This friendship didn’t end because of one trip, one argument, or one disagreement. It ended because I finally stopped betraying myself.

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And it made me cry.

Let me explain why.

Growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to feel my emotions comfortably.

They always had to fit a certain standard that my mom had in place.

I couldn’t be sad because, according to her, I had “a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my plate, and all 4 limbs”.

I couldn’t be angry because it made her feel inadequate.

I couldn’t be too happy because that meant there were things around the house I could be busy doing instead of laughing.

I couldn’t even pause to be upset by the news that a 15-year-old classmate was potentially being tried as an adult in Florida for his alleged involvement in a drug deal that led to his brother’s death, because the dinner table needed to be set.

So you ask, why does this video of a grown man laughing at SpongeBob possibly lead you to cry?

Well, growing up in a black immigrant household, you are taught that life is hard, but your parents had it harder. What you are going through as a kid in the US, Canada, or Europe is nothing compared to what they had to go through back home.

That you shouldn’t complain, shouldn’t be tired yet, should have the energy to do what THEY want you to do, and more.

But it’s hard to accomplish someone else’s dreams while not being able to feel or allowed to talk about your emotions, even though they get to whine and complain about the ones they never got to express while they were young.

You are supposed to be the child, the therapist, and the parent, but you can never talk back.

Except you were made into an adult at the tender age of 7. Translating everything, having to wake them up to drop you off at school, keeping all their passwords, filling up paperwork, cooking, and taking care of your younger siblings.

If you don’t tick all these boxes, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse awaits you.

So you never end up doing the things you truly aspire to do, never get to feel your emotions and let them go (if you’re even capable of identifying them), never get to take a moment to enjoy the little things.

You’re always in a constant state of stress. After all, you grew up knowing who was walking up or down the stairs based on their steps, and with the garage door opening being the end of your free time in the living room.

It’s for this reason that a grown man laughing to his heart’s content, free of judgment at a kids’ show, made me tear up.

I was so glad to see genuine, carefree enjoyment and laughter in such a simple thing as watching SpongeBob.

Something as trivial as that was nearly impossible to do as a kid without an impending sense of anxiety, thinking, «When is she gonna come yell at me? »

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After 4 years of healing

You change

Healing changes you

For me,

It changed me for the better

I now realise I am, in fact a romantic

I like romance

I want romance

I love it

I cherish it

I yearn for it

Being healed unveils your true self

I want to get to know her better

My real self

She seems nice

Genuine

Honest

And just loving

I want to be more like her

As fast as possible

(Phone Journal entry #5 was originally written in 2022; punctuation and typos were fixed.)

I want to be at peace of mind.

But how do you achieve such a thing?

Is it by achieving your goals?

Is it by having a high-paying job?

Is it by having what others strive for?

Or is it by doing what you want to do in the moment?

Is it an easy task?

Is it a long task?

What does it take to be at peace?

Why is it such a volatile

But subjective and confusing thing?

It’s not an object

And yet for many, it’s been the subject of reification.

People put peace of mind and aesthetic

On the same level,

Yet they aren’t.

Your mind cannot be at peace

Just because your living room is aesthetic.

Your mind cannot be at peace

Just because you move into an apartment with a view of the city.

Your mind cannot be at peace

Just because you moved out.

And yet most of us have this feeling that

Moving,

Changing our space will fix our minds.

But when realization hits,

We’ll find something else to change

To give the impression of finding peace.

In such a vicious cycle,

We’re all stuck.

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