It’s almost September… and that means it’s almost fall! Whether you’re looking for yourself or a friend, get ahead of the Halloweenie rush with these spooky finds. After you put on your “Spooky Season” sweater, cozy up on the couch with a ghost dachshund pillow and bewitching blanket. If you’re feeling thirsty for blood, Anthropologie has you covered with witchy mugs and plates.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Why is everyone talking about…

wired headphones?

We might be going back to the “Bieber fever” era. Hailey Bieber’s recent posts hint at Justin Bieber’s design of light-up corded headphones. I think I’m still Team AirPod unless you’re wearing the wired headphones to watch Wallace’s videos. I reached out to our Executive Editor for comment. However, he expressed that he does not have an opinion on the matter due to a dog’s inability to wear either auditory device.

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Wallace loves the power of borrowing and leverage, but paying debts off sooner rather than later usually pays off. Sometimes, interest can be tax deductible (ie. mortgage and student loans), and high interest loans/consumer debt should be paid off first. This is sound guidance for the average Joe, but nobody seems to love borrowing more than our government. The national debt has reached a record high: 40 billion dollars! Uncle Sam says, “put it on the next generation’s tab.”

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Boil, Boil, Toil, & Bubble

Something tasty is happening over at the DuPawnt Science Lab! Our Chief Snack Officer has been busy testing out some new bubblegum flavors. It has taken many clinical trials to bring the number of samples down to four.

So far, the popular vote is likely to be Apples & Bananas. I wonder why Philly Cheesesteak isn’t. Maybe it would taste better if you order “whiz witout”.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a word search. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

3. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

What did the skeleton say to his dog?

Bone appetit!

About the Editorial Team

catch up on TWW:

It’s almost September… and that means it’s almost fall! Whether you’re looking for yourself or a friend, get ahead of the Halloweenie rush with these spooky finds. After you put on your “Spooky Season” sweater, cozy up on the couch with a ghost dachshund pillow and bewitching blanket. If you’re feeling thirsty for blood, Anthropo…

Read more

Our managing editor is out of town and will respond to your messages upon her return. The Wallace Weekly will resume operations on August 26th, 2026.

If you miss Wallace this week, which is inevitable, you can find him on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, or YouTube here.

Want to connect with Wallace on a professional level?

Is the cyclospora / cyclosporiasis outbreak over? The students over at the DuPawnt Science Lab surely think so. Since dogs don’t tend to eat lettuce, this outbreak hasn’t raised too much concern among canine circles. However, they do seem to be more concerned about the E. coli outbreak found in frozen blueberries…

Switching over to some good news, there is an outbreak affecting thousands of dog owners across the nation. I know; “good news” and “outbreak” aren’t usually in the same sentence. DuPawnt has recently received several reports of cured illnesses after hoomans cuddled their dogs for at least 15 minutes. So far, there do not seem to be any adverse side effects.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

*satirical report

Why is everyone talking about…

Anne Hathaway?

Since her recent baby bump debut on The End of Oak Street press tour, millions of dogs have diverted their attention to the fictional dog, Starbuck, and Anne Hathaway’s own dogs, Esmeralda and Kenobi.

On the other hand, many hoomans have professed their astonishment of her participation in five movies this year. The Wallace Weekly team has some catching up to do. However, if something happens to Starbuck, I will be turning off the TV.

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Wallace’s expertise in the finance industry goes beyond analysis and planning. He also knows how to dress like a finance bro. First, polo (extra points if it has a whale logo on the front or a crown behind the collar). Then, quarter zip. The more expensive the better. Navy blue pleated pants and a dark brown belt are to follow. To wrap it up, brown loafers. Bonus points if you have a luxury watch. That’ll give you some prestige. There you go, now you too can look like everyone else on Wall Street.

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• A great white shark was arrested for stalking. Luckily, he was caught before any damage was done.

• A clownfish received a verbal warning after reports of excessive inappropriate jokes. He then proceeded to joke about the warning.

• A sea sponge was pulled over for driving with a blindfold on. He claimed it was the only way he could drive well…

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a word search. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Find the words

3. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

I have a few jokes about unemployed dogs…

but none of them work.

About the Editorial Team

catch up on TWW:

Is the cyclospora / cyclosporiasis outbreak over? The students over at the DuPawnt Science Lab surely think so. Since dogs don’t tend to eat lettuce, this outbreak hasn’t raised too much concern among canine circles. However, they do seem to be more concerned about the E…

Read more

Happy National Work Like a Dog Day! This is very fitting as the DuPawnt Science Lab has resumed normal operations with a new experiment. The rainy weather also allowed for a cozy study session. This week, the experiment included a mini science kit from Five Below. The results of mixing baking soda, citric acid, and water were short-lived. I would say that the magic was found in the experience and preparation. It is very important to follow the procedures in the correct sequence and measurements.

As pictured above, my new glasses are placed on my desk. My assistants tried to put them on me but to no avail. They will remain as desk decor for now to make me look smart.

Stay up-to-date with Wallace’s experiments & more on his YouTube channel

by Wallace, Executive Editor

A Month in Review: July 2026

July was PACKED. This month’s scrapbook is July 4th themed, of course. Wallace saw fireworks for the first time and it happened to be the biggest firework show in the world. He was curious at the beginning but quickly realized that they were not for him.

July was also a time for Wallace to narrow his career goals. He has his own desk (it’s actually a shelf riser but don’t tell him), “World’s Best Boss” mug, laptop, desk decor, and business cards. Now that he has his own office, he has been inspired to continue science experiments. So far, we have made a volcano in a jar, watched raisins dance, and observed mini chemical reactions.

What should Wallace try next?

Leave a comment

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Wallace is all about tax efficiency when it comes to investing. He knows that taxable bonds go in an IRA and growth stocks are for the non retirement account. Of course this is general guidance, as our readers may have different objectives than Wally. His main goal is to help his pawrents buy a house which is a tall order given real estate prices in Northern Virginia.

“We’ll get there one day,” Wallace says, “It’s too bad my dad can’t file jointly with me to take a larger standard deduction.”

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• An octopus was caught masking its identity and resisting arrest after a stolen crab dinner. Officers were unharmed but covered in ink.

• A sea turtle was arrested for speeding and reckless swimming, going over the limit using an illegal ocean current. The reptile claims that he was in a rush to deliver a clownfish to his missing son.

• An anglerfish was stopped by a game warden for fishing without a license. Says the anglerfish, “I can’t help it, I was born this way.”

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

Why are there no losers in a dachshund race?

They’re all wieners.

About the Editorial Team

Catch up on last week's issue

Happy National Work Like a Dog Day! This is very fitting as the DuPawnt Science Lab has resumed normal operations with a new experiment. The rainy weather also allowed for a cozy study session. This week, the experiment included a mini science kit from Five Below. The results of mi…

Read more

The DuPawnt Science Lab was forced to temporarily close their doors this week after a culinary test caused the smoke detectors to activate. There were not apparent smoke or flames and nobody was affected. However, some occupants of the lab reported psychological effects from the fear-inducing alarm.

Mr. DuPawnt is eager for doors to reopen shortly. This hiatus will allow for time to update the uniform and prepare for new experiments.

Click here to watch last week’s science experiment come to life.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Like many investors, Wallace sometimes overlooks bonds as an integral part of a well diversified account. As the living pawrent that I am, I have to remind him that debt instruments lower the standard deviation of a given portfolio and therefore reduce overall risk. Bonds don’t offer exciting returns but they can be a good option for managing volatility.

“But what about sacrificing growth?”, our readers ask. “It could be worse,” we say on Wallace Street, “you could be holding cash.”

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• A hare has been identified as a suspect for recent claims of stalking and eavesdropping in the area.

• A group of pigs were caught trespassing private property to participate in a mud bath.

• Following a string of burglaries, the CCTV footage has not helped investigators identify potential suspects. Due to the suspected camouflaging, investigators believe that chameleons may be at fault.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Dog Flu

The National Institute of Hairballs (NIH) has identified a new outbreak of the Dog Flu across multiple states. Symptoms may include excessive barking, reduced zoomies, and impaired snout-eye coordination when playing fetch. This virus is curable but treatment requires dog owners to stay home and spend an extra amount of quality time with their affected furry loved ones. There have not been any reports of canine-human transmission.

*this is a satirical report

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles: Word Salad

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

Why was the dog good at stand-up comedy?

He knew when to paw-se.

About the Editorial Team

The DuPawnt Science Lab was forced to temporarily close their doors this week after a culinary test caused the smoke detectors to activate. There were not apparent smoke or flames and nobody was affected. However, some occupants of the lab reported psychological effects from …

Read more

This week’s science experiment at the DuPawnt Science Lab went a bit unexpectedly. The goal was to make raisins dance, but there wasn’t any music playing this time. First, we tried sparkling water but the raisins did not move a muscle. After conducting some peer-reviewed research, the hypothesis was revised to determine if water, baking soda, and vinegar would give the raisins some more confidence. Slowly but surely, this did the trick. The photo above gives a glimpse of the experiment’s positive results. Next time this study is replicated, we’ll have to play music to see if the raisins dance some more.

Keep an eye out for the raisins’ performance on my YouTube channel.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

*none of the ingredients were consumed during this experiment

The Wallace Street Report

Subscribers to the Wallace weekly constantly ask our team of analysts for stock picks. To them we reply, “find out in the unabridged version for a small fee!” Of course I am kidding, but even our pup is stumped by the markets volatility lately. Timing the market has proven to be a risky strategy as some of Wally’s dog park companions have complained about substantial short term capital losses in their portfolios. Wallace wants to take this moment to remind our subscribers to think about their financial goals and the bigger picture rather than daily market fluctuations. “The longer the time horizon, the more risk you can afford and vice versa,”Wallace advises, “adjust your asset allocation accordingly.”

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• A chinchilla escaped prison by jumping over a 6-foot fence. The search is underway for this tiny fugitive.

• Several tenants of a local apartment complex have been filing noise complaints directed at an elephant’s unit.

• A group who proudly calls themselves the Bandit Badgers were caught breaking and entering home gardens and stealing crops. Authorities promptly responded with their newly recruited dachshund team.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Treat Protests End After 7-day Strike

Dogs could be heard howling last night for a good reason. After the rejection of the proposed deal led to a weeklong strike, officials have come to an agreement with the public and normal operations have resumed. Although the strike has caused disruptions across several communities, protests have remained peaceful.

And so far, there seems to be positive feedback on the deal:

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles: Word Salad

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

What do you call a dog that can’t stop sneezing?

A-choo-wawa

About the Editorial Team

This week’s science experiment at the DuPawnt Science Lab went a bit unexpectedly. The goal was to make raisins dance, but there wasn’t any music playing this time. First, we tried sparkling water but the raisins did not move a muscle. After conducting some peer-reviewed researc…

Read more

“When life feels too big to handle, focus on the small things that make you smile (especially if they have four short legs and two big ears).”

What is The Wallace Weekly?

Great question. The concept of The Wallace Weekly is a lighthearted and blog-style newsletter published every Wednesday. It is written by a mini dachshund and his pawrents. Topics include satirical news, recipes, weekend adventures/travel, crosswords, and more.

Why Wednesday?

As Wallace’s pawrents, we love comedy, puns, and alliterations. When we created Wallace’s first social media account on Instagram, we wanted the handle to be creative and unique. The beginning of Wallace’s social media journey began with photo dumps debriefing his previous week on Wednesdays, namely Wallace Wednesdays. Since the beginning, the goal of Wallace Wednesday has been to bring joy to the middle of your week. When life feels too big to handle, focus on the small things that make you smile (especially if they have four short legs and two big ears).

Meet the Team

Wallace is a black and tan miniature dachshund, born on May 15th, 2025. When he’s not working as the Executive Editor of The Wallace Weekly, he likes to spend quality time with family. He burrows under blankets to snuggle, but don’t get up because he’ll steal your seat! He loves to be around family and wants everyone to be in the same room at all times. He loves to visit his grandpawrents; when we take his travel crate out, he knows exactly what that means.

Chloe is a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) who works in special education. At The Wallace Weekly, she acts as the Managing Editor and handles storytelling and production. Chloe likes to apply her behavioral skills when (attempting) to train Wallace. She also enjoys cozy gaming, yoga, movies, and anything that lets her be creative.

David works in finance and consistently contributes to The Wallace Street Report offering in-depth analysis on rising treat prices and long-term toy portfolio growth. His interests include video games, reading, and hiking. He’s even taken up boxing lessons recently. But most of all, David loves long walks with our long dog.

We hope you will enjoy Wallace’s stories as much as we enjoy writing them. See you on Wednesday. ⊹₊✎⋆

Yours truly,

Chloe & David

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

The DuPawnt Science Lab officially opened its doors to the public on Monday, July 13th. Their mission is to combine things that a lot of kids enjoy: dogs, crafts, and science. The canine staff are not authorized to execute these experiments, but they are an integral part of the safety supervision and procedural integrity.

As DuPawnt continues to expand their program, you can follow along across social media platforms: wallace.wednesday . Viewers can rest assured that these experiments have been rigorously tested by the safety inspection team before release to the public.

I was given the opportunity to witness the first experiment at the new facility:

Watch Here

by Wallace, Executive Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Medical advancements are extending the average lifespan of Americans year after year. This is wonderful news, but it exposes the bipedal mammals to longevity risk, the risk that one will outlive their money. To mitigate this, people can purchase annuities and long term care insurance. This is not something that concerns Wallace. Although his life expectancy is shorter, he makes every day count. He sees his life as an opportunity to make those around him smile and forget about their troubles, even for a little while. I think there is something we can learn from him: plan for the future but be present and enjoy the now with the people you love.

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• A panda has been arrested for vandalism of multiple residential properties after planting bamboo without homeowners’ consent.

• A monkey was charged with evading arrest after being questioned for his suspected involvement in last week’s reptilian identify theft scheme. He was seen fleeing from police through the trees. This has instigated a widespread search with help from helicopter and drone footage.

• An aardvark’s extermination business is currently being investigated following reports of improper disposal of pests.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Protests Erupt as Treat Distribution Plummets

Thousands of dogs have united across major U.S. cities to protest budget cuts in the treat department. Major treat distributors claim that deliveries are not perfectly consistent every day but have been supplementing with pets and words of affirmation. The protest participants beg to differ.

Many have been threatening to go on strike if actions aren’t taken to address this widespread issue.

Based on what I saw at yesterday’s protests, these activists are serious about going on strike. With the protests just starting this week, it’s not clear when the strike would start. All of the protests have had a peaceful start on both sides, although there have been some reports of low growls. Several participants have hopes that the protests will stay that way.

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

* The idea for this article was created with support from

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

What did the waiter say to the dog when he brought out her food?

Bone appétit

About the Editorial Team

Wallace, Executive Editor, oversees The Wallace Weekly and maintains full creative control. Chloe, Managing Editor, handles storytelling and production, delivering your midweek dose of good boy news. David, Financial Journalist, contributes satirical stock reports, offering in-depth analysis on rising treat prices and long-term toy portfolio growth.

The DuPawnt Science Lab officially opened its doors to the public on Monday, July 13th. Their mission is to combine things that a lot of kids enjoy: dogs, crafts, and science. The canine staff are not authorized to execute these experiments, but they are an integral part of th…

Read more

This past holiday weekend on July 4th, Washington, D.C. surpassed the Guiness World Record for the longest fireworks display of the longest dog. Spectators were quick to notice the tribute to hot dogs and wiener dogs. Although the dachshund display was received well by the public, this was not the original plan. Sources related to the firework company indicate that this was the result of a prank.

This is actively undergoing investigation and authorities do not yet have a clear suspect. However, we had the chance to interview the only person that has come forward with a potential description of the prankster(s).

“I was waiting for the fireworks to start. I was wondering why they were delayed for over an hour until I saw something or someone nearby. It was very dark so 1 thought it was just shadows.”

When asked what the shadows looked like...

“They were very small so it was hard to tell. Not very tall but long. Then, all of a sudden, the shadows were gone but I could see movement in the grass like something was digging and burrowing under the fence.”

This was a very odd observation for sure, but something is better than nothing, If you have any information that can be helpful in this search, please contact your local authorities.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Like many investors, Wallace struggles to understand how cryptocurrency fits into a typical portfolio. While functions like the constant dividend growth model can give us an idea of the intrinsic value of a stock, calculating the value of cryptocurrency is a bit more abstract. Even though Wally lacks experience in the area, he wants to release his very own coin.

Our dachshund really summed up how the market for virtual money works in one statement!

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report.

• Last night, a deer was pulled over for driving with his car’s high beams on for the entire drive.

• An unidentified animal was charged with Identity Theft and Fraud after wearing a dinosaur disguise in public claiming that dinosaurs were no longer extinct.

• A cheetah was caught speeding 50mph over a 25mph speed limit. He said he couldn’t help it.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

Editor’s Pick: June Scrapbook

Another busy month! June was filled with lots of love with the hoomans of The Wallace Weekly recently getting engaged. Wallace is already asking if he can be the DJ at the wedding…

What songs do you think Wallace would play as a DJ?

Leave a comment

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

What did the waiter say to the dog when he brought out her food?

Bone appétit

About the Editorial Team

Wallace, Executive Editor, oversees The Wallace Weekly and maintains full creative control. Chloe, Managing Editor, handles storytelling and production, delivering your midweek dose of good boy news. David, Financial Journalist, contributes satirical stock reports, offering in-depth analysis on rising treat prices and long-term toy portfolio growth.

This past holiday weekend on July 4th, Washington, D.C. surpassed the Guiness World Record for the longest fireworks display of the longest dog. Spectators were quick to notice the tribute to hot dogs and wiener dogs. Although the dachshund display was received well by the pu…

Read more

The National Institute of Hairballs (NIH) is back and currently accepting applications for their upcoming clinical trial. They are asking for miniature dachshunds to apply in order to be considered for a treatment claiming to lengthen their legs, thus making them taller. The institute has been met with backlash regarding the relevance of this study. Our reporters were on the scene of yesterday’s protest to gather comments and opinions:

Some of the miniature dachshunds who have already applied to participate were contacted but did not respond to requests for comment. It seems that we will be left with unanswered questions for the foreseeable future.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Wallace considers international equity as an important part of any diversified portfolio. As an investment expert, Wallace connects with specialists to decide which countries have optimal opportunities for capital appreciation. Our little dachshund already knows the intricacies of German exchanges but has close relationships with other canines who hail from foreign nations. A poodle from France, chow chow from china, bulldog from England, Akita from Japan, chihuahua from Mexico, and Saint Bernard from Switzerland to name a few. Apparently networking at the dog park pays off!

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Crime Report

This is Wallace, Interim Police Chief, with your local crime report from last week.

• A sloth driver was ticketed for driving under the speed limit, thus impeding traffic.

• An octopus was arrested for shoplifting. His defense? Sticky fingers.

• A young group of hyenas were escorted out of the Cinebark movie theater for laughing too loud. No, this was not a comedy movie. This was Obsession, a movie now playing in theaters in the genre of horror.

by Wallace, Executive Editor

New Restaurant

There’s a new restaurant in town. This one might come as a surprise because it is fully run by bees. As can bee expected, all of their dishes contain a not-so-secret ingredient: honey. Take a look at the menu for their soft launch this weekend:

• Beef Wellington

• Beechamel Lasagna

• Beef Sliders

• Beeluga Caviar

Before you dive in to any of these dishes, it is highly recommended by food critics to try their Whipped Goat Cheese with Honey.

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a crossword. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or print

2. Read the clues

3. When playing online, click on the numbered box corresponding to the clue and type your answer.

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom by clicking the links below:

• Instagram TikTok YouTube Facebook

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

Why did the hot dog go to the 4th of July party?
Because it heard it was buns of fun.

About the Editorial Team

Wallace, Executive Editor, oversees The Wallace Weekly and maintains full creative control. Chloe, Managing Editor, handles storytelling and production, delivering your midweek dose of good boy news. David, Financial Journalist, contributes satirical stock reports, offering in-depth analysis on rising treat prices and long-term toy portfolio growth.

The National Institute of Hairballs (NIH) is back and currently accepting applications for their upcoming clinical trial. They are asking for miniature dachshunds to apply in order to be considered for a treatment claiming to lengthen their legs, thus making…

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Today, we have a special edition of The Wallace Weekly to feature a breaking story. Our very own Managing Editor and Financial Journalist are engaged! Don’t worry; The Wallace Weekly HR team has approved this relationship.

The couple took a weekend trip to Lewes, DE and Cape May, NJ. The itinerary included a charcuterie board on the beach, ferry rides, garden strolls, wine tasting, and steak tasting. I was busy enjoying some puppy time off (PTO) at my grandpawrents’ house, so I was not able to join the festivities until my pawrents returned. Although I wouldn’t have been able to fully enjoy the winery, I’m sure I would have loved chasing the chickens at Beach Plum Farm. I am also jealous about the steak dinner; hold the seasoning please.

Join me in celebrating my pawrents’ next chapter in the comments below!

Leave a comment

by Wallace, Executive Editor

The Wallace Street Report

Tangible assets like precious metals have long been used by investors as a safe haven if the stock market were to crash. The low correlation between the price of gold and silver and the performance of stock indexes makes them solid for diversification but not without risk (liquidity risk in particular). While silver and gold remain in the public eye, diamonds fall under the radar. A prudent individual can argue that a diamond granted to the one you love is one of the best investments you can make. There are certain systematic risks that cannot be diversified away with this venture, but the returns can easily outweigh the costs if the investors are disciplined and focus on the long term outlook rather than short term bumps in the road. Wallace’s pawrents look forward to their joint investment as their love for each other compounds each day!

by David, Pawrent & Financial Journalist

Subscribe for free or fund Wallace’s coffee break ☕︎

Subscribe now

Follow Wallace on His Social Media!

Longest Day, Longest Dog

This past Sunday on June 21st was the Summer Solstice, otherwise known as the longest day of the year. Celebrations typically include extra long walks for your extra long dogs. Wallace definitely participated in this tradition while visiting his DC-native grandpawrents. However, when you give a dog a long walk, he’ll want a long nap (or two). This is not a problem for either party.

by Chloe, Pawrent & Managing Editor

Puzzling Pawzzles

Welcome back to “Puzzling Pawzzles”! This week, your brain break includes a word search. Although, if you find this difficult, your brain might need another break.

Here’s how to play:

1. Click this link to play online or Print

2. When playing online, drag the entire word to highlight it

3. Find the words

4. Have fun!

The solutions to Puzzling Pawzzles can be found at the bottom of this newspaper, but no peeking until you’re done!

*Puzzle grid generated on edupics.com

Want More of The Wallace Weekly?

Here’s what you might have missed in the Unabridged Edition of The Wallace Weekly this week:

• Full crossword puzzle

• More columns written by Wallace:

  • Weather report (“Wallace Weather Watch”)

  • Op-eds on sports & hobbies (“The Dachshund Sports Draft”)

• Ask questions to be featured in “Wise Words from Wallace” (paid subscriber-only Q&A)

If you want to show Wallace your appreciation and get access to the Unabridged Edition, click the button below to give him a treat! 𐂯♡

Give Wallace a Treat

You can also find more of Wallace’s adventures outside of the newsroom:

• Instagram, TikTok, & YouTube @ wallace.wednesday and Facebook

  @ thewallaceweekly

If you have a furry or human friend who would enjoy The Wallace Weekly, share this issue with them!

Puzzling Pawzzles Solutions

Before You Go…

What do dogs have for breakfast?

Pooched eggs

About the Editorial Team

Wallace, Executive Editor, oversees The Wallace Weekly and maintains full creative control. Chloe, Managing Editor, handles storytelling and production, delivering your midweek dose of good boy news. David, Financial Journalist, contributes satirical stock reports, offering in-depth analysis on rising treat prices and long-term toy portfolio growth.

Today, we have a special edition of The Wallace Weekly to feature a breaking story. Our very own Managing Editor and Financial Journalist are engaged! Don’t worry; The Wallace Weekly HR team has approved this relationship.

Read more