It’s been a hard couple of days for our generation, and just like anyone else, I can’t believe this is our life right now!

I am not going to speak about all that is wrong with what is going on because it would probably take a book to describe it, so I’ll focus on the ongoing "send messengers" approach because that is WIIIILDDDD!

But a little background for those who might have missed it (I doubt there is anyone, mais on le fait quand même!): our protectors have become our offenders, and this has opened a can of worms in the worst way possible! The can needed opening, that’s for sure, but in an advocacy way, not a victim-blaming and perpetrator-support kind of way, and that’s exactly what happened!

The girls and men (boys are the nonsense guys going on TikTok lives saying “you were asking for it!” Mtshyuuuu) have been doing everything in our power to get heard: the stories, the events, and so much more! THANK YOU, KEEP ON!!!

Let us rewind on what’s been going on, shall we? As part of the #hehenicyuma campaign against illicit alcohol, the people responsible were dragged into press conferences (with faces & names out in the open, btw), and authorities have since then made visible statements to support this movement, including but not limited to a dedicated day to actually dispose of these seized merchandises covered by the media, social media, and artistic campaigns they personally champion and rehabilitation programs for the people affected by these byuma!

But for an issue that’s affecting the safety, dignity, and overall well-being of 52% of the population, what was done?

The people who literally scarred the Gisenyi lady (wish we could put a name to her face; she deserves at least that!) for life, "barafashwe barafungwa"! Seems like little for all the damage they did, don’t you think!?

I won’t go into the details of the damage, but here are a few articles I think can bring some of that into perspective:

Beelikestacos

Who Decides What Is Decent?

I think there is an important conversation we should be able to talk about right now. I woke up hearing what happened to the girlies last night…

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6 days ago · 110 likes · 8 comments · Beelikestacos

My Sister's Letters

Nuko Ijipo Iba Ibaye Ikibazo...

Dear Brenda…

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5 days ago · 133 likes · 1 comment · loumakdaaa

SHEMA

RAPE IS NOT A CRIME- You are hormonal

DISCLAIMER: I intend to be as vulgar and as brutal as humanly possible. If you do not want to digest too much argumentation due to the weather today, save this for later and come back when you wanna be angry…

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2 days ago · 44 likes · 3 comments · SHEMA

I could go on, but let’s focus on these, and you can do your own research! I encourage a visit to ’s IG for even more context, and follow every repost; it is very important that you do so, because we have an army, and their work is not going unnoticed!

I’d promised myself this was going to be brief, but I am afraid I am failing at it; let me get to the point I am trying to make.

If I’m not mistaken, it was on Wednesday that a meeting was held where the right people sat in a room with the influencers and said, “Umukobwa w’umunyarwandakazi ni Don’t Touch” (according to Mutijima, at least)!

According to Mutijima’s video, as a result of the conversation, apparently the “64% of parliament” made sure that the law—the one being enforced and making our knees and shoulders an issue of national security, necessitating a literal life of fear for every female in this country—didn’t pass! So, all this is actually unconstitutional, and you are being passive about it!? WTTTTTTTF!

Dear Rwanda,

We love you, we are proud of you, and we have a leadership that works! Although we can’t see it at the moment, we have seen it before, and right about now would be a good time to remind us that “umugore kw’isonga” isn’t a slogan but a way of life mu rw’imisozi igihumbi!
It has been so for as long as I can remember, but this past week has been a crash course on how to ruin a good thing fast (think ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days,’ but faster!).

We are not asking for you to set a precedent, although that would be stellar! But let’s start here: we are asking that you give the #handsoffrwandanwomen #Ndeka the same effort you gave #tunyweless and the one you are giving #hehenicyuma; mind you, that’s literally the bare minimum, if I do say so myself.

We’ve seen this picture so many times already, so right now I want us to focus on the text on the picture! “Demanding that Rwandan women be safe in their own country doesn’t make us the enemy.” This is mostly because, these days, asking for accountability and ownership has led some people to call us “unpatriotic”!

This is the most patriotic act of our time, if you ask me! The Rwanda that our diaspora brags about to their host countrymen, the Rwanda we are so proud to call our home, and the Rwanda that’s considered a Phoenix (ishami rya shibutse kwishavu, if I can use these lyrics, iykyk) deserves this!

So to our lovely leaders, here is what communicating properly would look like right now!

And for the lazy readers, this literally asks that the leaders actually do their jobs! We need the press conferences and the statements; we need to see the faces of the ‘women we voted into parliament’ as they speak up for us; we need to hear the leaders actually put on record the offenses that are being done to us, in the streets, on digital media, and in all spaces of life! And mind you, this is just the communication part!

Then comes what matters: ACTION!

Why not parade those pervs on media outlets as they are taken into custody (start with those people doing lives and being so openly derogatory to the women of Rwanda), for starters (for SNG, if you will)? On a serious note, though, a public apology, sizeable compensation, and a restoration pathway (therapy and the like) should be offered to the lady you loaded in that pandagari!

Beyond the punitive actions—which are a must and which I won’t dwell on, since they already exist constitutionally and have been mentioned by so many others before me—we need restorative and preventive actions!

Restorative actions:
- For all the victims, create healing and rebuilding programs, COUNTRYWIDE! Because the people in Kigali may be the ones speaking out here on the social media streets, but go deep into ibyaro and find those teenagers who can’t be in the same room with their uncles, or those women who sleep with their children when their husbands come home drunk—literally all the people who are suffering in silence. Give them options, teach them skills, give them therapy, restore not just their dignity but also their minds and self-image, and improve their lives!
- For the perps, alongside the constitutional premises of punishment, give them a walk in the women’s shoes, to put it lightly! Educate them on the history, context, and the full implications of women’s rights and worth, beyond being objects for the pleasure of men!
- For the Rwandan community as a whole, the can of worms that this has opened has shown that there is a BIG gap in knowledge and understanding when it comes to the respect of women’s rights, so how about we create campaigns around that!? Create literacy campaigns, specialized bodies if need be, that aim at educating EVERYONE on these matters. And most importantly, these need to be owned and championed by the relevant leadership organizations!

Preventive actions:
1. Create spaces for victims to come to leadership knowing they won’t be told, “Are you sure you weren’t asking for it?” “What were you wearing?” and the like! A genuinely safe space that takes complaints seriously, no matter how small—even as small as inappropriate, uncalled-for hand placement—because most of them start there and are fed by our silence—a silence that’s fed by our fear! These spaces need to be implemented in every institution, from schools and workplaces to imidugudu, literally from the most nuclear part of society to the entirety of our country.
2. Create the laws that protect women or educate people on the existing ones! Create the laws to protect the victims of the abusers of the law! Get clearly worded articles into the constitution that speak of GBV! Make sure these laws, once established, or if they actually exist at the moment, are made known to the general public; but most importantly, ensure that they are exercised in visible ways so it is really known that:

THE RWANDAN GOVERNMENT MEANS BUSINESS WHEN THEY SAY, ‘UMWANA W’UMUNYARWANDAKAZI NI DON’T TOUCH.’

Side note: I am no law scholar or practitioner, but I believe there is a very primal need for the re-evaluation of the letter of the law! The language used should be evaluated for gaps, possible misinterpretations, and misconceptions.

All this to make my point: influencers can rally people; they can start a movement; they can steer public opinion; and they can try to hold the perps accountable, for they are the voice of the people. But think how much more can be done when their work is supplementary to accountable leaders that publicly own the issue at hand!

Rero mubyeyi, Oooh mon 'petit pays,’ my siblings and I would love you to come down into our rooms and soothe us; we want the fatherly anger that says "ninde wahemukiye umwana wanjye!?" and the motherly concern that says "humura mwana wanjye ndi hano." And more, we want these to come with action for change, because your daughters are suffering, we are scared, and we long to see you stand up for us!

I could go on for days, but let me leave you with this:

You are not alone, but stay safe, girlies! The only way is through, and we shall be victorious!

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

But when it comes to the desires of our heart and the things we actually give our time to, I think this borders on an exciting conversation about intimacy—like the full scope of intimacy, not the watered-down version we now use!

Took the long way home, and the things that happened in between made me realize that the way I perceive certain things was built by my covetousness.

Then I got home, and I saw this reel that said, “God, if I’m meant to be alone, at least take away my desire to be loved.”

If not for anybody, I want my heart to know and long for the one from whom all love comes, so here goes nothing.

According to the theory of the Freedom of the Will, the mind never chooses neutrally; the intellect always selects what the heart finds most desirable at any given moment.

Example: so that guy isn’t really the love of your life; he is just atm doing things that appeal to your heart, so it tricks your mind into believing he is IT!

And this goes deeper into what actually makes up who we are! What we look for in relationships, careers, the thoughts that occupy our minds when we are alone, and the yearnings that make us long for someone’s arms in the middle of the night with a heavy heart!

I’ve come to the realization that this is directly proportional to the voids that our lives have experienced prior, especially in our early lives (infancy, adolescence, or even as early as gestation). Researchers have continually shown that the kind of relationships and experiences we have in infancy become the blueprint for the relationships we seek out later in life.

Personally, I’ve realized that I’d been yearning for things as a result of their lack in my life, and as such, I’ve been putting a very heavy (unspoken) burden on the people in my life, making me more susceptible to disappointment and ultimately all the hurt that I currently carry with me!

But that reel reminded me of something I’ve been trying to do for a minute now! I am aware I don’t have the right blueprint; I am aware of what that has made me do, and I am also conscious of where that has gotten me! So I am learning, intentionally and committedly, from a better place, rebuilding the blueprint, one hurt at a time!

I’d been looking for love in all the wrong places (in Joshua Baraka’s voice), and all that did was break me even more! The desire in itself is not wrong; we were made to love and be loved, but we must do it from the right heart posture!

So I adjusted the prayer from “God, if I’m meant to be alone, at least take away my desire to be loved” to “God, take away my desire to be loved by anyone but you.”

Because one thing I know for sure is that no one was meant to be alone (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12); we were made for community and companionship; it’s just that we have reduced it to romantic love or nothing else!

With my new prayer, one I am sharing with you so we can do it together (maybe, sibyo!?), I am aiming to change my direction, pour que mon cœur soit plus affiné à l’amour du Seigneur avant tout autre et qu’il en soit comblé!

What I believe this does is, with a better foundation, we can pour better into others, we can love ourselves better, we can heal from those wounds we try so hard to avoid, we can build the communities we desire to have had growing up, and cerise sur le gateaux, maybe we can look for ‘spouses’ from a better perspective, one that avoids the 3620 demographic!

That’s the journey, so help me God!

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

But from the inside, there is so much more to it than meets the eye.

And this is not just another read on “I need more friends” or the tralalala that comes with people writing on loneliness.

Let me talk about myself before I generalize. This hit me on a random Tuesday afternoon; I was in a room full of people who knew me, could talk to me, and were genuinely good company (and there was half-decent food too), but I felt lonely. I literally drifted into my head to this internet not-so-strange stranger who once offered to let me move in with their family because I said I was lonely in the middle of the night.

And then I started to over-analyze that simple, candid moment. Because it is very common to understand someone being lonely at 11 PM alone in bed with a dry phone and probably too many unresolved emotions from the various relationships that could’ve been but never were.

But how do you explain the kind of loneliness that hits in the middle of a crowded room or even more an enticing conversation that should feel like a warm hug?

I haven’t found an answer to this yet, but I have felt it, and I think some of you reading this might have too, so here is what those moments have taught me.

Loneliness is not the absence of people; it is not the absence of love, connection, or even intimacy (I’ve been held and lonely, and maybe you have too!). No one can explain your loneliness; only you can! And maybe it is something that can be resolved as simply as a hug from the right person or a word of acknowledgement from a parent that’s 30 years overdue, and maybe it isn’t, and that’s fine!

Maybe your lonely is coming from a deeper-than-human-interaction place, and for that, I recommend JESUS! As someone who has experienced the beauty of His love that fills even the holes I didn’t know existed, I highly recommend that you try him before this life, and economy, take you one heart-wrecking night at a time.

In the meantime, don’t let the wrong arms hold you (or do, who am I to stop you!?), and don’t let the void in your heart make you forget the people who care and the lives that would be slightly dimmer without you in them!

For example, if you’ve ever been on my feed, losing you would genuinely wreck me because, like, yooooh, y’all are my literal lifeline!

I am not going to give a way forward to resolution; I haven’t found one for my own either, but I can guarantee you those warm moments will eventually weigh more, and you’ll be lighter. It’s just a journey, and those have never been nice enough to walk at our pace.

Stay Blessed, Until next time, maybe….

I met him at an internship I did months into earning my degree, and it all started in a way one can easily get kidnapped in was this someone genuinely dangerous?

I was walking out of work, and so was he. My sister had just ditched me to go on some date, so I was going to walk a bit before I could grab a bike home.

And this guy, whom I’d barely met around during work, asked me where I was going
I said home.
He was like, “This early, on a Friday?”
Yes!
“How about you come with me?”

In my defense, I did say no a couple times, but he was insisting, way too much! So I was like, “Sure!” Who am I to say no to some free food (I should’ve RUNNN)?

This man proceeded to order a cab; I went in it with him (What on God’s green earth was that woman (me) thinking?

We then went to spot nbr 2 in the 3 ‘spots’ in Kigali, but it was crowded, then he said, “I want something more intimate,” so we went to ‘the next great thing’.

I’ll preface this; that was not a bad “Friday night ice cream date” in any way. He did get a cab again to my house and then to his (or did he…? Guess we’ll never know).

The problem is all that followed, the longest, seemingly unending spiral of an ego too tall and effort too short to make it make sense.

What followed this “date” were countless coffee and ice cream dates that I can now only describe as me yielding to attention and mistaking it for affection that never arrived.

I am not going to say it wasn’t good; it was, some how , while it lasted, and before I had to listen to “My card isn’t working, can you pay this one? I’ll get you back” for the énième fois on my birthday! And had I been a financially irresponsible individual (no shade, but I know people who go on dates with no backup payment because “the man is going to pay”), I know I see a dishwashing scene in that time of my life.

The money thing was never even the issue; it was the gaslighting, the lack of consideration, and a blunt lack of any form of self-awareness or willingness to grow.

It still bugs me to this day bcz I cancelled on a very established realtor (good man, really; he made plans for my birthday 1.5 months in advance!!) for him to end up making me spend my birthday dinner staring at some unkempt dreads (or was it cornrows? I really can’t remember) attached to a face glued to a laptop (don’t forget, I paid for it, bdw).

I got to go be a responsible adult, so I might come back to this, but all in all, I pray that man heals, and mind you, I didn’t even say the half of it!

There’s the time he woke me up at 8 AM on a random Saturday ngo ‘I wanna see you, let’s have a breakfast date,’ proceeded to pass out drunk, and make me wait for 3 hours nursing an iced lated looking dejected !

And then there’s a whole 3 months later, “I want you back because I am willing to tolerate your ‘bad character,’ as it is your charm,” and a whole year later, “I know you want me, and I am meant to be your husband.” The list goes on…

Let me know in the comments if you want that too.

Happy to say I’m in a better place, single and crying with joy at other people’s wedding vows.

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

moonlight

Is it really delusion thooo?

Hey y’alllll…

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a month ago · 43 likes · 24 comments · moonlight

Honorable First Speaker,

Following your rather challenging but mostly intriguing exposition of the subjectivity of reality and delusion by extension, I would like to extend my humble opinion on the matter.

My breakdown will be based on one key concept:

Conditioning by culture and learned behavior!

As you did, I would like to start with color, and shockingly enough, my case study is about the color green, too!

There is a tribe, the Himba, in Northern Namibia and Southern Angola that is well known for the fact that they don’t see or know the color blue!

Shocking, right? But at the core of this finding is this question: “Do you really see something if you don't have a word for it?" (explored in “It's not easy seeing green,” an exploratory article that references Kevin Loria’s ‘No one could describe the color ‘blue’ until modern times’). The Himba tribe turns out to have more names for the various hues of green in their language than English, but not a single one for even one hue of blue!

Still on the topic of color! Try showing shades of brown to an umushumba from somewhere in Nyanza cg Nyagatare; they will start telling you “iyi ni ikigina, iriya ni umusengo, etc. These are shades that a Westerner would just say, “That’s light” or “That’s dark brown”!

These are both examples to illustrate that language shapes perception of color! But that’s just on the surface level! Going deeper, we notice that the cultures, dialects, and environments we grow up in shape what and how our brains build and perceive the reality around us.

I understand this further strengthens your concept of “Reality is subjective,” but it also adds another layer to this: “The subjectivity is not individual but community-based.”

For starters, the fact that what I am writing is exactly what you will read is proof of a common reality that we share in our big ahh skulls (your words, not mine). In the study on how culture affects people’s thought processes (known as cultural neuroscience), there is a discipline known as neuroimaging that attests to the fact that culture physically alters visual processing pathways within the brain (assuming we all know that information processing happens through neuronal signal communication), hence creating both similarity and uniqueness depending on where you are looking from. What this looks like in practice is that I will share views -or in this case, a reality- with people with whom I share a culture in some way!

Funny example: This morning, a colleague asked us to explain “Urahagwa” without any context, and honestly, depending on amasaku n ubutinde you put on it, this word could mean like 4 different things (I will let you battle it in the comments!), and this got very heated, very fast, and yet everyone in that conversation was Rwandan!

This shows that even close communities don’t actually share a view, but they share some sort of understanding! We were all in agreement about the possibilities, but we were all trying to advance our personally perceived one before anyone else’s.

Allow me to go granular on sight and sound: Yes, they are reflections of light and vibrations, respectively, but these reflections and vibrations are interpreted by a brain that was conditioned from birth! You know the sound of an airplane because when you cried as a baby when it passed by your house, your guardian/sibling would say “avion!” so your brain was conditioned to translate that sound into an airplane! The colors we perceive are a result of the various things we were shown as infants and told, “blue,” “red,” “yellow,” etc. And as we grow, we do some learning of our own, which is why je peut te dire ‘jaune banane’ et ‘jaune moutarde’ are two different kinds of yellow with so much more confidence than a man who just says ‘byose n umuhondo wa!’

Our realities are different—some shared, some acquired, some completely individual—but they always meet at some point. This is what explains why there is a line defining delusion and why the delusional person is never on board with the idea! They are so far removed from the shared reality that the rest of us inhabit and are too deep into their own to perceive factors like societal norms and the like. Mental health experts encourage caregivers of individuals with schizophrenia to abstain from telling them that their experience is a delusion but rather help them understand that both realities can coexist: their scary ‘delusional’ reality as well as the actual reality where their loved one is right next to them, and that guy with a knife can’t hurt them!

I have a friend who always says “it’s all about taste & preference,” and until recently, I would have validated that! But as I went into the rabbit hole of trying to make sense of these brain gymnastics, I actually ended up concluding that it’s really not! Taste and preferences are also acquired through conditioning and habits. Who knows? Maybe the Cerelac you had as a child was mostly vanilla-flavored, making your brain more responsive to the sweetness of vanilla ice cream, or perhaps that’s the flavor associated with a positive memory from your childhood that you are not consciously aware of, but your brain is unconsciously reinforcing through the choices you make when choosing a sweet treat on a hot summer day.

Multiple behavioral and neuroscientists have proven, time and time again, that the emotions we express are rooted in cultural and lived experiences that our brain interprets through learned behavior or reflections of the acquired images based on the various wavelengths of the light received by our eyes or any other sense that is being activated!

Before I become more philosophical than is necessary, let me end on this note: there is a reality, one that is shared by some, though one shared by all is a phenomenon we, as humanity, are yet to achieve. Our realities are built on shared backgrounds, languages, cultures, experiences, and learning. This explains why it makes total sense for me, or any other Rwandan, to find it outrageous to drop a piece of trash in the road, while a Ugandan might think we are neat freaks! Same observation, different realities!

Finally, it wouldn’t be me is I didn’t say this! Engage yourself in activities that allow you to learn and expand your understanding of the world because reality is not static; it is ever-changing and ever-evolving, just as humanity is! So, before exploring the potential of reality being non-existent, I hope we invest in broadening our perceptions of life, or the realities we can experience within our little piece of eternity!

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

This is a rant, or a road map; it depends on who’s reading and how you read it!

I saw (and reposted) a TikTok recently that said, “Can people my age slow down?” And une connaisance recently said, “Kigali people are on a deadline” when we were speaking about weddings that are out here!

My literal digital footprint won’t let me breathe my single air in peace! I can’t scroll twice without a wedding transition from a kid I helped make their bed in high school or a random stranger having my Pinterest wedding through my phone and

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I like to think y’all are getting cuffed because you have genuinely found everything you wanted bottled up in some cutie pie or some snack of a man, and I am happy for you, genuinely crying internally, of joy & lonely

And then there’s the fact that I see those things and wish I could have them for myself, like what did I do to the universe to deserve the heartbreak & disappointment that is my love life?

Recently, I was speaking with a friend, and because of adulting, I’d just figured he had been (and still is) in a long-term relationship with a mutual. I asked if we should be expecting wedding bells soon, and he said he isn’t sure. Then, I don’t remember how we got there, but I said (like I always do) that I want a sugar daddy, and this man said, “I could have been; you’re just too good for me. I don’t deserve you” (ignoring the compliment there, for now). I was baffled!

1. How can you have been with someone’s daughter for 2+ years and not be sure if there is a forever option for you? Mind you, this man told me about his relationship as a way of telling me not to give up on love (because honestly, looking at my life rn, I might as well. And I told him so!).

2. I was baffled about how a man, who’s in a relationship, knows I know his girl, offered to provide ‘sugar daddy services,’ and then I was like, won’t she kick me, and mans was like, ‘she’s okay with me being nice to people’. Nigga, what!????

First, you aren’t sure about this girl after probably chewing her for 2 years; then you are openly discussing potentially cheating on said girl, as if it is normal! WTHHH (I pray he doesn’t read this, kuko yahita yimenya like immediately).

So, we just saw the two buns of the Kigali dating scene burger, and then there is me, the salad leaf stuck there, until someone throws it out. And I am definitely not okay.

So, dearest gentle reader,

If you know me personally, please consider this an out-of-character read, and if you don’t, well, this is a rare occurrence for both of us, so enjoy, love!

I WANT IT ALL!

All the lovey-dovey things I sometimes cringe at! The love worth signing away half of your net worth. The borderline obsessed man who literally worships the ground I walk on. The love that is so safe, fulfilling, nurturing, and overall amazing that I don’t even have to tell you I am in a relationship; you can see it from my ‘glow’!

Back to that my friend who said, “I don’t deserve you!” I asked him, and he went on to say I am too good: “tall, dark-skinned, cute.” Basically, he went on to say I have literally everything that makes me worthy of the best kind of love and nothing less, so I asked him a question he could do nothing else but dodge, smh

“Then why does nothing in my life reflect that?!”

This was more rhetoric than anything. After all, I always ask myself this, like I think I self-evaluate more often than is normal. Although none of those who basemented my self-esteem has actually found better, I like to think I might be the problem.

But today is not about trying to fix me, or whatever is wrong with me; today I just want to ‘kuruhura umutima’!

Bell Hooks writes in All About Love: New Vision, “Affection is only one ingredient of love. To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients—care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.”

I am convinced that God, the almighty, all-knowing, all-powerful one, wouldn’t put something in our hearts without the possibility of fulfilment (Ephesians 3:20). So with this in mind!

I really pray, for all & myself really, that we find someone who understands and chooses to practice love in a way that leaves the heart yearning, not from lack though, but from a place of contentment that creates the desire for more!

And most importantly, let it be soon….. Amen

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

This is going to be a short one, I hope!

I met Rugamba mu ngando (the military camp ngo for high school grads); people who knew me & him said we were literal twins (we still call each other “twin” to this day), and the vibe really was IT!

He was the kind of guy who would ditch his guys to come sit with the girls, and he would always make sure he was next to me. He would literally move across a room to bring me inyama on nights we had it on the menu, and he’d joke, “nta twin wanjye w agashwitu”—no twin of mine is skinny! as an excuse to bring the meat in question.

I remember one particularly rough day, after banana & apples (kuviringita in dirt & grass), he could see how tired we were and of all the girls there; mind you, there were these two sisters who were like his best friends, like they knew each other from before there; he helped me with my water bucket; don’t laugh, there that was a big deal (like defying the authorities there to go to the girls dorm might have gotten him in some trouble I imagine. If you are Rwandan, yk who the ‘authorities’ are!).

To say the least, Rugamba and I were the best of friends by the end of that dreadful week. I would even say having had him was the literal highlight of that week. I genuinely didn’t keep in touch with many people from there after that week, except him.

Reality hit us pretty fast!

I was raised by a serious bras-de-fer (apparently in English it is “iron fist,” which makes absolutely no sense; it should be “iron arm,” but I digress); to say it plainly, she was STRICT. I didn’t have a phone until I was 18, which was way after I started college, and this was right out of high school, so we exchanged Facebook or IG (or both; I genuinely don’t remember). To keep our ‘friendship’ alive, I would use my big sister's phone at night, when they’d come home, and we’d talk for hours!

Since he was known to my other sister, I don’t remember how, but he used to visit me at home. And we were strategic: never get caught bringing a guy home because we would have been dead! So my sister & I were Martha & Mary when he was around (I will let you figure out who was who on your own). And if you don’t get it, go read your Bible!

Then, on one fateful day! Iminsi 40 iragera

I think one of our uncool elder sisters was home that day cause he came and we spoke from outside the gate, and as fate would have it, Mummy decided to come home on her own (which meant my cue, which was my brother going to pick her up, was gone), and she found us right there standing turi mu biparu (yapping). The politician she was, she said hello, asked him his age, parents, and all, and then went in.

It smelled like the calm before a storm, literally! And it was a tide before the tsunami instead! The second tide happened in the living room (I don’t remember how that happened, and this might have been the first; I really suck at chronology). All I know is one day, my beautiful angel of a mom looked straight at that guy (who is, in fact, like 1 year older than me, meaning he was legal & I wasn’t) and said “umwana wanjye uramushakaho iki!? Kandi njye nzagufungisha!”- What do you want from my kid? I will get you jailed.

Long story short, that was the end….. Almost!

Like two months after that, I got a phone and moved into hostels on campus, and we picked up, almost, where we left off. But it was not the same, I think the fire that was to fuel more than a very genuine friendship was watered by the ‘jail’ word🤷🏾‍♀️😂

When he said I should write this story, he was like, “Write about how we were both in love with each other and your aunt messed it up…” To be honest, I think ‘in love’ is strong vocabulary, but we were definitely building on something.

But as much as it was unfortunate how it ended, I am not complaining, for it is that rift created by Mummy that has allowed us to be the friends we are today!

So, Rugamba, maybe she saw beyond us and protected us from each other! The years have scarred us differently in love, and God, am I glad I can come to you about it rather than you being the subject of it! And it is an absolute pleasure that you can do the same with me!

Being your little sister is so much better than the girl you sneak around with because of her strict mom!

And Mummy( love you always my angel ❤️‍🩹), I guess Thank you is the bare minimum I can do.

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

For this story, let’s call him Ben (don’t want him knowing this is out here; he kind of still is in my life). I met Ben at uni, and we were in almost the same class. For the first year or so, we were strangers!

And then I really don’t even remember how it happened, but one day we were a group of, like, 6 or 7 people that would hang out after class and all, and the next thing I knew it was mostly him coming to stay with me at school because I was kinda stuck there!

I think it all started with me being very easily uncomfortable around groups and peculiar about who I get comfortable with, and he happened to be one of them! Again, when it comes to how we got to where we ‘ended ’, I don’t know, but I know the build-up, and DAAMNNN!

We were very comfortable together, and looking back now, he was very committed to making that happen smh. I was in a relationship at the time we started being friends (Mpbhaaa), so, well, he knew it was off the table from the get go!

But there were signs, signs a man was down, I interpreted as a blooming friendship 🤷🏾‍♀️

We had nicknames for each other, the rutwe, njiji kinda thing going on. He would always find ways to touch on me; well, most of it would be to push me while we walked together. He would literally go out of his way to come spend time with me, as in he lived in Nyamirambo and I would be at school in Kinyinya; and he would come ‘to work on projects’ with me at school, mind you he had internet at home, and, him being at school meant he would buy me lunch (as a broke uni-student, lunch for two for like 5 days a week is ALOOOT) and have to walk me to the bus park, maze agafata akamoto back Nyamiryos!

Again, ubwenge buza ubujiji buhise, because I should have seen all these things. You know how a man who actually admires you will find any opportunity to take cute pictures of you, make time to spend time with you, and literally do things you mention just because you deserve it! He was all that, and in my head, that was just bestie!

Ben would come to visit me at home, then take me to places I’d said I wanted to try, even if we would just get ice cream because we (he) could only afford that. Ben also happened to be best of friends with one of my close cousins, and being ‘a part of the family’ was a privilege he’d use to be around even more! Man was milking it and I was like, that’s my best friend….. ( in Meghan’s voice)

Late-night talks, rants about my then-boyfriend; he did it all! This man came to visit me at my workplace (something my then-actual man never did). He was the man I used to say would set standards for the fact that men & women can actually be just friends and be the best of them!

Until….

I started to notice a shift! Mind you, this is very not time-bound; I barely remember those kinda things. Ben and I were very clear from the beginning that he was the kind of guy who understands boundaries when it came to our relationship. He had been verbal about the fact that he believed (still does) I was FOOINNE, and as time passed, and my relationship eventually ended, he became more direct with his advancement of this fact! And in my head I was like, “Thanks, Ben, I got it the first 5k times.” And his touchy-touchy acts started being less playful and got somehow intimate.

I remember a specific time we were out together; I had told my parents I went to get my hair done, which I had, but it was done, and I was out with Ben; it was a rather chill night. I wanted to put on the sweater I had brought, but he insisted on cozying up to him instead, and he had this weird obsession with staring so longingly at my hand; then I was like, ‘Weird!’ but now that I am with someone who has put words to that longing, I feel stupid!

Before I make this longer than it needs to be, with the years, I got bigger (thicker, they say), and his eyes would wander around lower when we were together, and I would push it away, saying he’s just being a guy! Then one night, we were chatting, and he made his intention clear, and well, I wish it had been, an ‘I love you!’ At least that would have been respectful, cute even, but nope!

This man was like, ‘Long story short, I want to crack (sounds better than the f word, which is the one he used!).” I played dumb and was like, ‘With whom?’ and in all his rizz, he was like, ‘You, dummy.’ The only way I could explain how his confirmation made me feel is DIRTY! Like this man I believed to be respectful and loving, a man I considered my best friend, just said that to me🤢

Well, it was never going to work like that, so we kinda lost touch from there; like, we were still friends, but our relationship was significantly scarred from there! I made myself clear that ‘boo, I only see you as a friend’, and I didn’t throw all the insult arsenal at him because I had let things go too far here and there, which I think made him believe I was prolly looking forward to something similar, so maybe I am to blame for bringing his hopes up somehow.

I think due to that drift that came between us, that’s when I got close to my now ex, and then we got together; he was still kinda trying to ‘get with me’, so I told him I had accepted that guy, and well, he said it: “You would give anyone a chance but me!” This was the second guy I had ‘given a chance’ before him since that text and it wasn’t sitting right with him I guess 🤨

At that point, he had been clear about how ‘in love’ with me he was; like he had said it so much, then my best friend (female and still my best friend) was teasing me about him, and that woman is never wrong about anything! His friend group (the one with my cousin in it) would always be like ‘jya kureba cherie wawe’ when he’d go on his own, and it was getting out of hand since I am still not very much a fan of that audacious text and the betrayal I felt of losing a good friend to the ‘I want more than this and it’s that or nothing’ regime.

So long story short, he was in love with the girl he called ‘bestie’ because despite all those advances and the buying me the massive teddy, I always scream I want (nubwo it never got to me, his cousin stole it bcz I didn’t want to trap myself by going to his place to pick up, peep the ‘wansuye’ disguise), he would still say to his guys and our friends that we are just besties!

So to all the male besties out there, please keep the actual admiration and care when you eventually do decide to make a move on your bestie; who knows if I wouldn’t have caved had he taken me out to some nice dinner (sth he had done as my bestie actually) and asked me to be his girlfriend instead of that dreadful Snapchat text!

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

For someone not very new to adulthood and the 20-something life, I feel like I haven’t figured out the bulk of it, at least the majority of what I should have figured out by now, in my opinion!

Again, the goal here is to steer away from opinions and use perspective, but I find it hard to actually use the available perspectives when the sword of life is juste au bout du nez.

But the beautiful thing, the one thing I might have kinda figured out, is that there is a God, not just any god, a God who deemed me, very messy and very rough-draft me, worthy of loving, choosing, and most importantly, He chose my heart (my life) as his dwelling place.

And if I ever lose every other available perspective there is, I hope I never lose the perspective that finding my Salvation has given me!

So, back to the 5k bill, a short storytime. A while ago (like last month really), I had a trip, trying to live out the adventurous part of me, blah, blah, blah; and that took me to an early morning, ngo I had to meet the group at BK Arena and the very punctual me, I was there on time, but the roads were closed, so I had to go to a ‘secondary location’, but I needed cash, bcz MoMo didn’t work where I was going! So I tried to look for my bank’s ATM, but I couldn’t find it, so I I&M it was!

And then that ATM gave me all my money in 5ks and then gave me 5k worth of 1ks, like WHYYYYY?! I was literally very frustrated about that, but we move! Went to the ‘secondary location ’, which happened to have a 24-hour supermarket, and I sat in it for the warmth (Kgl isn’t exactly warm to the touch at 5 AM at a gas station; also, I was dressed for the summer I was going to have, not the winter I was going to travel in).

Just as I went in, a slightly more advanced-in-age lady came in, asking for change for 5k from the cashier, and they didn’t have it, and she looked really lost, and then it hit me: I had change for 5k, bcz of that damn ATM! So I asked her “urashaka kuvunja bitanu?” and she confirmed, and I gave it to her, and she gave me her very crumbled and aged 5k note, thanked me slightly, went out and prolly continued her life without any other thought about it.

So back to the perspective this is about!

We’ve all been at that point in life where we feel like “amasengesho ntago arenga plafond!” (your prayers don’t get past the ceiling to get to their destination). And I mean like really stuck. Sometimes we reach a point where we question the God we pray to and over-examine our walks over the past few days. Well, I don’t think that ever goes anywhere, because, all in all, we still don’t get the answer we desperately need.

But in that search for purpose, something I have been seeking for my life, that one encounter was a lesson in patience & ‘trusting the process’.

Someone once said that God doesn’t have to speak to you in a blinding light like Paul, in dreams like Joseph, or through visions like Ananias; you just have to be still and see how He manifests in your life, because He is always speaking—we are just not always listening.

So in my calm, I found an understanding of this through two main things:

• Not every path has to come with a destination picture. What this represents is that you don’t actually need to know where you are going—a little like Abram (“Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” ~ Gen 12:1). Which also has a cute little subtext:

  Confusion is not always just that; sometimes it is a call to be calm, taking the time to actually listen to what God (or the universe, whatever you believe in, honestly) is calling for you to do at the crossroads you sit in at the moment!

• No response is actually a response. Like we like to say, ‘no’ is a complete sentence, and sometimes, so is silence. When you pray for change and it doesn’t come, stop looking up and look down (don’t join the Illuminati or sum like that!). I barely ever remember where I encounter things, but I once read/heard: “You don’t just pray for the bus to not leave you; you pray and then do everything you physically can to make it to that stop ASAP!” Hence, what are you doing to actually get the change you are asking for? There’s a common saying that goes, “Take one step, and God will take the 99” or sum like that, or the other one that says “Imana ifasha uwifashije” (God helps those who help themselves). But those can be misleading (and are nowhere in the Bible, btw); hence, I give you this one:

Just like you tell all your secrets to that not-so-stranger person you like, take the time to work with God toward what you are looking for in Him alone. Hearts can sync when they interact long enough, so let the fulfilled life you live be from a sync with the Author of life itself.

So after receiving an express, same-day delivery response to my mild inconvenience on a Saturday morning, I learned that answers, especially those from God, follow a timeline we can’t comprehend. But they do come, in ways we can appreciate for their spontaneity, intrigue, and uniqueness.

So next time the heavens feel quiet, I hope having come across this rambling of mine will have you slow down and praise in the valley, because we know and trust the Author & Finisher of our faith.

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….

I could say many things that went wrong over those 40-60 days around my birthday, and that list would be Loooooong! Anything from work, school, health, relationships, and any other quadrant of life that could ever exist! But for the past month, I had the privilege of a shoulder and an ear that not only let me vent and complain but also provided me with perspective, one I had at my disposal for the longest of times, but didn’t consider, not even for a second.

“Life is perspective, and you don’t have any. You have an opinion. There’s a difference.” — Beth Dutton, Yellowstone.

If you know me, you know my mind runs a little wild and is the randomest thing ever! So about that quote, it came to me as part of those random moments, and it sparked something, this article for starters. Been a writer all my life, well, at least until I started Uni! I know of registers that should have had Biology in them that had poems and skits, but here I am, almost a decade later, barely writing anything at all.

But I digress; that quote has been a reminder that my complaints about life breaking down are nothing but opinions, very narrow, uninformed opinions! So, as the title suggests, and to prevent myself from getting any more derailed by my disordered mind, I am going to do a short review of complaints vs. perspectives from the past few years of my life. And from that, I believe we can understand (or really, I am just reminded) that there is a very big God that is always working beyond what we can see at the moment.

1. 2023: That year’s 1st term was just a shambles; I lost an aunt I loved so much and like three other close family members. And then March happened! I was on the verge of being withdrawn from my undergraduate program for reasons that had built up from previous years, which came with a cost I couldn’t afford. I had just lost my chance at decent employment, and the bridges I had burnt were coming in handy while I couldn’t use them. And when the school-related stuff came to a resolution, I didn’t see that my biggest current problem had been resolved; I focused on bridges that were being shaken by it.
   As the French commonly say, “L’homme ne peut pas voir plus loin que le bout de son nez.” And boy were they right! I have been narrow-sighted (yet hyperopic by optics) my whole life, and now I can see that that exact time had sooo much good in it I barely glanced at, so here is the 3-year-old gratefuls.
   That April, I gained a little sister and brother (really a niece and nephew, I started living with) and an amazing best friend in their mother (my cousin, whom I’d known all my life). That same month, I joined the church that would be the community that would (and still is) heal me and lead me to salvation. That April, I was able to continue my undergrad, how could I literally forget that and whine about misfortune!? And that year, on my birthday, I was celebrated, something that had not happened explicitly & exclusively since I could remember!
   And for those gratefuls, there are thousands of memories, late-night talks, bedtime fights (with my niece refusing to sleep, obv), morning rides, and two tiny humans bursting into my room at random times and trying on my heely boots. For that, and all that was birthed as a result of that month, I can only say, I am grateful and be reminded of yet another French saying; "L’homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."
   
   ”As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways” ~ Isaiah 55:9a
   

2. 2024: This one almost didn’t make it to the roaster, because I’d gotten a wonderful internship, had my schoolwork on track, was making new and cool friends, like all was good, until… I know myself for not being very good at multitasking, i.e., work and study, for example, and that took a toll on me! Then I tried getting creative with how I manage my school responsibilities ( my internship work was exciting and I prioritized that, silly me!), and let’s just say God decided to use me as an example of uncreative people! Also, that’s when I started to notice that I wasn’t even doing well in my ‘priority’ responsibilities and I’d lost my standards, literally, so CHAOSSS! And boy did I cry that month! And on THE day, my standards reminded me how bad it’d gotten, I paid for my own BD dinner (mind you, ngo I had been taken on a date, mpbhaaaa)!
   Again, looking back today, there was so much more to that time! I didn’t fall; I stumbled, got bruised a little, and got up and went on my way! That same month, when school got tougher, I figured it out, and before the clock struck Midnight la veille de my birthday, I was a graduate, well, as long as coursework was concerned. Can’t say things got better with the internship, but I learned so much, met people who showed me what genuine care looks like, and some quality merch, jk. And as for my Birthday dinner, my wonderful little sister (my niece) was like, ‘let’s fix that!’ and it was magical!
   Reminder, this is an overview of my Aprils, the rest of my year, well, that is something else, but as I do this, I am being reminded of how pivotal these years have been in my life! And for all the gloom I put onto my birth month, I can confidently say the months that follow it bring all the bliss!
   And from this year, I saw growth, reconciliation, joy, peace, and above all, a God that always reminded me “ Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” ( Isaiah 49:15)

3. 2025: After a very big high ending to my 2024, a whole graduado, good job starting literally after graduation weekend, rekindled some lost bonds, a ‘promising’ man in my life, and a literal visible glow, nothing could have prepared me for those first 4 months! Somehow, I lost my sense, literally ( and this went on until like August), dropped the standards again (starting to question if I even have standards), and I (again) paid for my own BD gift, which never came bdw, at least the previous year was dinner I’d eaten. I felt lost and confused at work, and almost lost my faith a time or two, and for the first time in a long while, I started feeling the depression come back, so I did something crazy!
   I looked at my yearly goals and decided that, with all my self and God doubting going on, I was going to get baptized! Looked more achievable than anything else, like how hard can a dip in a pool be? And now looking back, that was not my depression speaking; it was God! I did it not having told literally anyone; most of my family learned about it post the occurrence. And looking back, this is by far the best decision I made in April that year, because par force de ce devoir, I got back to my Bible, and I was faced with the reminder of my journey to who I am today, as a child of God, and by the time I stepped on that stage ( had to give a testimony with like 2000 people there with like literally no relative of mine there bdw), I was at peace, with my heart but most importantly with my Savior, and the irony is it was la veille of my birthday!
   So, although life had thrown me left, right, and center (and it continues to), that day, I was loved, cared for, chosen, and redeemed by a father who has never failed me, a friend who has never left me, and a lover who will never stop choosing me in ways I can’t put into words rn! And that day remains my highlight and biggest grateful of the year!
   
   “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” ~ Romans 8:28a

2026: This one was not special, as that time was spent in a state of realization, I would cry that things only go wrong, and then be reminded of how they simply haven’t just been black! For this year I am reminded that in all things my heart is too soft so it remembers bruises, my mind is too fragile so it remembers the hurt, but my soul, oooh my soul, with the gift of the Holy Spirit, remembers that in every storm, I have never, not once walked alone, been alone and that they will be joy in the morning, that if it’s not good, my Abba is not done yet!
If I were to create gratefuls for this year, this would be it! I am grateful for the perspective I gained on how blessed, fulfilled, and guarded my life has always been, regardless of my opinions of mayhem!

I’d say so much more, but I leave you these:

“…because God said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” ~ Hebrews 13:5b
“…but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” ~ Psalms 30:5
“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” ~ Phillipians 1:6

All in all, one thing I haven’t learnt, not just from this ordeal, but from the God that has given me His spirit that has opened my eyes; no matter what comes, ‘yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.’ ~ Habakkuk 3:18

Stay blessed, until next time, maybe….