i don’t have many friends who drive. so perhaps it was my luck that working at a record label coincided with gaining a couple of friends who 1. drove, and 2. were musicians.

i don’t have much else to say about this. i think the car ride is an underrated medium with which to discover music. when you get into someone’s car and are forcibly stuck with them for the next 20-30minutes and you have to listen to whatever music they put on bc its Their car, and inevitably there’ll be misses that you have to sit through but there will also be hits that you will only discover are hits bc you’re forced to sit through them in situations where you otherwise wouldn’t, and something about this forced exposure is highly beneficial to expanding your music taste where you otherwise wouldn’t venture… (at least, if you’re someone like me)

1. headlights

you’re driving me home & i’m listening to you sing along to headlights. i stare out at the empty 2am highway and let my mind drift. i’m thinking about the limbo i’m in. i haven’t told you anything about it (but two weeks later you tell me that you felt it already and that you’re a psychic) but something in me settles on that car ride. i feel the weight of everything i know coalesce along the horizon, of things both said and unsaid. feeling and knowing that nothing has technically changed, but also feeling like everything has started settling into the fissures. the lucidity of this knowledge feels simultaneously like freedom and surrender. i accept something on this car ride, but i don’t quite know what it is yet

2. september lightning

a memory i almost forgot i had. i’m never prepared for these car rides bc you’ll inevitably put on a song that i personally deem as far too sad for casual listening, and as you sing along i’ll feel my conscious mind separate from itself until all i know is some amorphous unnamed feeling, and i’ll be thrown abruptly into a headspace i wasn’t prepared to enter so early in the day. it’s different, coming to know songs through a friend. it’s different when the first time you hear a song isn’t just through a pair of speakers but also the heady unself-conscious head voice of your friend sitting beside you who has obviously listened to this song many, many times before this. sometimes you find yourself caught in the liminal space of an evening where it’s barely 9pm but there are no other cars on the road, and something about the grey uniformity of the industrial area you’re in as the backdrop to all of this makes it feel like perhaps you’re not really sure of anything anymore

3. city love

on the way to a natural wine bar. i’ve felt a little… jittery the entire day, and tense but not really, in the way you are when you try to contort yourself into an unalarming, relaxed shape. dinner was delicious but i still feel weird and i’m trying not to mention it. don’t want to cause any concern. i’m in the backseat and you put this album on and it’s embarrassingly the first time i’ve heard this song ever, but i immediately relax. it’s like i’ve stumbled into familiar territory. some part of me already knows this song. the contours of it, the laid-back groove… you sing along to the guitar solo, every single note, and something in me knows i have to learn that solo when i get home. i’m still uncomfortable the rest of the night. i go home and listen to room for squares for the next week straight

a/n: i wrote this months ago and have posted it on almost every platform except for this one, which confuses me. i think it’s scary because the events detailed here feel weirdly intimate & i don’t know how to be like “Actually it’s all totally chill. We’ve been socialised to think that intimacy and closeness holds Weight, that it must Mean something, but actually you can have moments of closeness in passing and let them drift away…”

very gently buzzed off mulled wine. sitting in a quiet studio listening to the tap drip & the radiator hum. my typing loud n echoing off the walls. happy to sit in this silence. thinking about nailbeds, tired eyes, mussed hair. the lighting in this studio is so warm, and so much of the furniture here is of wood, it makes me feel like i’m touching grass. stressed, about many things, (my boss is angry at me), (tense), but things have been worse. things have been better, as well, but you know. can’t ask for much these days. the studio always smells vaguely of sandalwood, and i’m gently, quietly content to be sitting here, hazily typing this out, feeling the keyboard under my fingers, passing the same glass of wine back and forth between the two of us. worse days have been had. i don’t mind this at all

(i am, in the end, a fan of companionship. to exist comfortably next to each other, in a mutually enjoyable silence…)

2. tsingtao

warm summer night. we aren’t even walking with each other. i’m in front, safe in the knowledge that you’re behind me, watching my back as we stroll through the neighbourhood (drunk uncles abound)…

there is too much chinese food. none of us, including you, know or recall what we’ve ordered.

every dish is a surprise. we always make you order. it’s unspoken; the menu goes to you, unquestioned. it’s comfortable in the same way it is when you know that you’ll be taken care of. everything is always delicious. there’s always too much food, but the bill never comes up to too much, even with the beers. this is how i learn that abundance can be comfortable

i sit next to you & we pour the beers. or rather, i struggle with the bottle opener and you ask me “are you even a real alcoholic”. i laugh. there are worse things to fake.

someone else makes eye contact with me from across the table. i engage but don’t reciprocate. you lean over and mumble something to me about him. i murmur my agreement

the alcohol is hitting my system now. the food is good, but salty, and i’ve drank a little too much too fast in an attempt to quench my thirst. you laugh at me and say that i’m “confirm gone alr”, but then tell me that if i 干杯 you’ll do it too. “really?” “really” “Really?????” “ya ya GO”

grinning as i knock the glass of beer back. it’s too cold and too fizzy. i see you pause out of the corner of my eye. i keep going. you keep going. we finish our drinks. you point at me and say “later during meeting you don’t seh ah” and i just laugh. i don’t make eye contact with you

3. pulut hitam imperial stout

at no point in this evening do i know where we’re going. i don’t mind this at all. i ask you to pick me up and you oblige, and we drive to a food spot in chinatown that i’ve never been to. we order four dishes between the both of us & two beers. later on you tell me you’ll bring me to a place thats much better than druggists, so after dinner we get in the car and for the second time that night i have no idea where i’m going

at some point you end up next to me on the sofa and we’re on our phones in companionable silence. there’s been an uncharacteristic ease to the evening and it’s taken me by surprise. i’m usually stiffer, uncomfortable, awkward. sometimes i am less than what people expect of me. usually i feel out of place but in this bar you’ve brought me to it feels like i’m where i should be. comfortable companionship. i don’t feel the urge to fill the silence or to make sure you’re having a good time. (we’re having a good time.) we talk about things that don’t really matter (your protein intake, tricep extensions) and you crack my inner thumb and i laugh in shock. we are two beers in and deciding on a third when the (chinese singaporean) guy sitting next to us slips fully into an irish accent that doesn’t falter when he tells us we should totally go for it

you drive me home & i’m more inebriated than i meant to be. i don’t remember what we talked about. but i remember that the night was good, and that i haven’t felt this comfortable & loose in a while

+1 linda’s martini

you’re driving me home & i’m listening to you sing along to headlights. i stare out at the empty 2am highway and let my mind drift. i’m thinking about the limbo i’m in. i haven’t told you anything about it (but two weeks later you tell me that you felt it already and that you’re a psychic) but something in me settles on that car ride. i feel the weight of everything i know coalesce along the horizon, of things both said and unsaid. feeling and knowing that nothing has technically changed, but also feeling like everything has started settling into the fissures. the lucidity of this knowledge feels simultaneously like freedom and surrender. i accept something on this car ride, but i don’t quite know what it is yet

I don’t know if this will go through. I believe in resonance. I believe in the mutuality of resonance. I believe that if you meet someone and that you feel a sense of connection, of resonance with them, that there is a high likelihood that they feel it as well, and that you are not feeling these things in... What’s the word? Something like isolation, but not really.

Mm.. And I understand that this may be cope, this may be delusion. I myself have experienced much one-sided resonance, where I think someone resonates with me and the energy is not reciprocated. So it is a toss-up, I think. It is an instinct that has to be developed.

And of course there are caveats to this, where it’s like oh, you might feel resonance with a celebrity, but it doesn’t mean the celebrity is gonna feel a resonance with you. And you know, the caveats are that we have blind spots, and that the mutuality of resonance is oftentimes predicated upon how accurate your perception of the other is, & how accurate the other’s perception is of you. (sensing) So I think this is something that can be calibrated as you get older. I think I wasn’t very good at it when I was young. Like when you really like somebody but they don’t like you back and you’re like damn… Damn. I guess that resonance was one-sided. And like, that’s a very good case for like why resonance might not always be mutual.

But I’m inclined to believe that it tends to be. (Mutual, that is.) I think visakanv(?) has spoken on this before(?) but I can’t recall the exact words, … something along the lines of: if you really resonate with someone’s work, 1. you should tell them, 2. chances are they will resonate with you too on these highly specific things. (He articulated this far better than me, I will try to find the source eventually)

• sort of like what henrik describes in his article, but from the other side… heh

  Escaping Flatland

  A blog post is a very long and complex search query to find fascinating people and make them route interesting stuff to your inbox

  This essay is the third part of a series. Here is part 1, part 2, and part 4. They can be read independently…

  Read more

  4 years ago · 1249 likes · 76 comments · Henrik Karlsson

But you know, perception is something to be developed. I think I wasn’t very good at it when I was younger. I think that... As you get older, you get a better sensing for both 1. what is [accurate] and 2. for the likelihood of someone [responding] to you and feeling the same way. And backing off when it’s clear that someone doesn’t feel the same way, and not investing too much of your time and energy on someone that doesn’t feel the same, instead of pursuing it like a stubborn little doggy.

Like, sometimes you want to be delusional about a connection and you pursue it one-sidedly, and it doesn’t really work. And lowkey, if they don’t recognize the resonance that you’re feeling, then... Then it can’t be real. Because if they don’t recognize it then there’s probably less resonance than you think… I’ve confessed to a person once in my life, and it didn’t go very well (I got rejected). Later on I saw something that was like “you should never confess to a crush,” that you should never have to confess to a crush. A confession is inherently kind of one-sided. I remember it said something like: you shouldn’t have to confess to a crush; if you have to confess, there’s a high likelihood that they don’t like you back.

Because the nature of a confession is that you are telling something to someone. But if you’re trying to pursue someone, and if it were mutual, then the confession wouldn’t have been needed. It can be done, of course, but it should already have been obvious (that you guys have feelings for each other, due to natural escalation). You know? Because like, I think it’s obvious enough when you like someone, and if the other person hasn’t reciprocated, it’s probably because they’re not interested in you. That is the unfortunate truth. If you were in a talking stage with someone who genuinely likes you and reciprocated, you wouldn’t have to confess to them, because things of their own accord would have very naturally developed anyway, and there wouldn’t be an actual need for a confession because things would just naturally escalate in that way because of the mutual interest in each other!!!

And I think that the concept of mutuality and resonance is sort of the same in this sense, in that it goes both ways but there’s also the element of, [you have to pay attention to how the other person is responding] and if they’re not really responding then you may have to accept that there is less resonance than you may think.

I don’t know if I’m being coherent about all this. I think I was more coherent when I was just talking to myself about this while making my ramen. (Don’t ask why I was talking to myself…) But once I turned on the mic (because I realised this was something I wanted to get down) it all sort of went downhill…

But yeah, I believe in mutuality.

And the spiritual part of me wants to believe in it, because I find it very hard to accept that I could feel so strongly for a person and have them not feel the same way. And this sort of one-sided resonance has never really happened to me again, especially after I learned about the whole mutuality thing especially in the context of confessions, and I think I sort of gained an instinct of when to step back when someone wasn’t responding and when to not invest more and… both an instinct, but also the sensibility to back off and not to pursue something that the other party clearly doesn’t desire as much, and to be mature enough and sensible enough to let it go when you’re faced with this kind of response. Yes.

what i’m trying to say is that: if you like someone, i think they’ll like you back. i believe in energy. i think it’s highly unlikely that you’d feel strongly about someone and that they don’t feel anything in return at all, unless you are highly delusional and have a really warped sense of reality. i think our intuition is often right, if you are brave and honest enough about the inputs and information you’re receiving. i think resonance is real…

this was very enlightening. this is true in general, regardless of gender. i do like people who are sentimental, and who are unafraid to show it. i’m a fan of people who are unflinchingly earnest, in public: while many people are capable of tapping into this sort of sincerity & honesty, a majority of them are only this way in private; so how am i ever going to find them if their sentimentality is hidden?

over the years i’ve been drawn, repeatedly, to people who are demonstrably sensitive (and sentimental!) online. some of them have become my dearest friends; i like to jokingly call them my “victims”1. the process of befriending has often gone something like this:

1. notice someone online, who posts “stuff”

   1. this “stuff” tends to have these attributes:

      1. very earnest / a distinct sense of “them” / an unusual perceptiveness & sensitivity in the things that they notice or comment on / a sharpness in their articulation / the ability to articulate all of this / a distinct lack of self-consciousness with regards to posting all of this in public / a sense of sensibility (ha) about it all

2. i start following their work

3. i admire them from afar

4. i develop a parasocial relationship with them in my head

   1. sometimes, if the opportunity presents itself, i will send them a nice text telling them how i like their work

5. i forget that the parasocial relationship with them is one-sided

6. i start sending them posts/media/etc that i enjoy (and that i assume they will enjoy and resonate with too, based on my imaginary relationship with them in my head)

7. we eventually become friends

the attributes under point #1 make it very easy, in my opinion, to discern (mostly) accurately whether i identify with someone.

the disclaimer, of course, is that i’m trying to find you. sometimes resonance is one-way, and i am as apologetic as i am disappointed to be on either end of this. it doesn’t quite work if only one person feels a strong sense of relatability. the move, in this case, is never to force it; you should always maintain a respectful distance, and back off if the other person seems uncomfortable — i am not at all trying to endorse creep/stalker behaviour. in much the same way guys are advised to approach girls they’re interested in, you should extend any offers of friendship without an expectation of guaranteed acceptance, and bow out with grace if declined. it’s like if you wanted to buy someone a coffee & they refused — you would say “sure no worries!”, instead of buying them a coffee anyway and tossing it in their face.

another one of my wonderful friends addi has said that he remembers me most by something i said at a gathering he hosted:

this is not a sentiment i talk about a lot, but it is something that i am always thinking about. i am driven, mostly, by the friends that i make. i confess that i do not care much for big picture themes like community or innovation or environmentalism, though i agree that these are all important; but i am personally most compelled by individuals. beyond my personal creative endeavours, which mostly feel like a service to myself and my self expression, there is not much i want to do with the world other than seek connection. not as a means to an end! i’m not even very sure why this compels me so. somehow i find great joy in watching these people move through the world, and seeing the work they produce and the change they effect, and i just want to be there to bear witness to it all…!

this is also why i tend to be such a huge supporter of my friends. my friendships, after all, started out with me as a fan. sometimes my friends thank me for supporting them, & my response is always: i’m a fan! i’m supporting you the same way a fan would want their favourite artist to put out more songs/art/etc! i just want to see you do more of the things that you do! my motivation, in this sense, is actually pretty self serving, but luckily it benefits the both of us…

however, i must confess: i haven’t been very good about letting people find me. despite my admiration for it all, i’m not very good at capital-p Posting. i would like to be better at it! posting feels extremely unintuitive for me, especially when trying to make it palatable & comprehensible for people other than myself. posting is as difficult as it is easy for me to tell someone how much i like their work. somehow i lack the intuition for what would compel both me and others equally. so here is a small request:

what would you like to see from me? what do i seem to know about, that you would want me to talk about? what do you think i should be making more of?

let me know. love u<3

bibliography:

Escaping Flatland

A blog post is a very long and complex search query to find fascinating people and make them route interesting stuff to your inbox

This essay is the third part of a series. Here is part 1, part 2, and part 4. They can be read independently…

Read more

4 years ago · 1218 likes · 75 comments · Henrik Karlsson

bouldering has more or less taken over my life. it occupies maybe 30% of my waking thought (a conservative estimate!). for how much i think about climbing, you’d think i’d be better at it, but alas — i am not. this fact saddens me greatly.

my problem is this: i care greatly about climbing. i also care greatly about how i look. thus stands my problem: how do i look drippy while climbing?

this question, while deceptively simple on the surface, has far more factors to it than meets the eye. i will list them out for you.

1. mobility

whatever outfit i choose to climb in must allow me my full range of mobility. i must be able to move freely! to ascend the rocks as and when i wish, not held back by fabric!

2. sweat

climbing is a sport. as with all sports, i get sweaty. i want to maximise comfort while climbing, so i would like my outfits to allow me to get minimally sweaty.

“ok ry,” you may say. “thats just two things! in fact, you could even just phrase the whole thing as trying to Maximise Comfort!”

to that i will say: you are right. but i am a picky girl! and i have run into many issues that i am unable to sort neatly into beautiful categories. taxonomy was never my strong suit. you will have to forgive me. let me try to explain it this way:

when i first started bouldering, my default outfit was an oversized shirt and cargo pants. this served me well as i worked my way through the beginner routes.

then i started getting better. and the weather started getting hotter. and i started trying harder on the wall.

my cargo pants were no longer cutting it. if you are even semi familiar with the fashion trends these days you will know that there is one simple rule to all of it: the baggier the better. but these baggy, low crotched pants weren’t cutting it. they were restricting my mobility! with some of my pants, there would be at least six inches of rise (crotch space) holding me back from raising my foot barely above my KNEE!

this would not do. not at all. how was i to high-step? to swing my legs back and forth when attempting coordis?

i switched to shorts.

i was free! my calves and thighs, out into the world for all to see! behold: legs! free to breathe and touch rocks! i could do whatever i wanted on the rocks, unrestrained! the world was my oyster!

also, the weather was steadily getting hotter. bouldering is an indoor sport, but my commute consists of at least 30minutes of walking under the sun, and the gym staff were starting to get stingier with the air conditioning. shorts were a welcome reprieve for my legs from my humongous, heat-retaining baggy cargo pants.

but this joy was short-lived. very soon, my clumsy ass started getting bruises and scrapes on my legs, without long pants to protect them. this i could deal with. what i could not live with was having to endure the commute on public transport and feeling my bare sweaty thighs touch the plastic of the MRT seat. sensory nightmare.

along with the increased sweatiness, i’d also started to climb in my sports bra. #FULLFREEDOM! now my arms were fully unrestrained as well! free from the prison of sleeves! but now i had to worry about coordinating my sports bra with my shorts. you may not know this about me, but i am built very much like a door. as i’ve grown older i’ve learnt to circumvent this by very carefully picking what silhouettes i wear and sticking firmly to those silhouettes. but faced with my meagre collection of two (2) sports bras and a smattering of mismatched shorts, i found myself looking, once again, like a door. unpleasant.

i’ve forgotten to mention that i do not own very many shorts either. my current favourite pair of shorts are the men’s uniqlo airism shorts. they look like this:

i will be honest: they aren’t the most flattering. i have to roll up the waistband so that they fit me better. but they are loose, and comfortable, and have two MASSIVE POCKETS that can fit perhaps the entire world in them. so i am a fan. they are also long enough to protect my thighs (ALL of them) from any surface i may choose to sit on. so they are very good indeed.

however the image of a girl in a sports bra and baggy men’s shorts with the waistband rolled up and the tag sticking out is not the best. and i want to look good! i like looking good. i want to look at least Presentable when i take videos of myself climbing! so this really puts a spanner in the works.

(i have other more well-fitting shorts, but they don’t have pockets, which makes it a bit of a hassle to travel in them… nowhere to put my phone or keys! also, see above about too-short shorts being a sensory nightmare)

i switched back to pants.

i immediately regretted this decision. it is so bloody hot in the gym and outside. i can’t go back to wearing pants. my sensory tolerance is at an All Time Low, and my ability to withstand the heat is now close to none. so i have now decided that i will switch, permanently, back to shorts.

which leaves me with the question: how the hell do i look drippy in shorts?

any answers and input will be much appreciated.

love,

ry

bad things keep happening to me, and i find myself getting quieter and quieter. there are more and more things i do not speak of. and perhaps this is a good thing — the raucousness of my youth is not something to be romanticised (too much) in post. bad things keep happening to me, and i find that i speak less and less of you. perhaps this is natural. obsession cannot last forever.

bad things keep happening to me, and i find myself retreating further and further. it’s quieter in my head now.

things will get better. but for now i am mute

I picked up makeup when I was 18, when I first entered college. I’m not sure what pushed me to start, but I do know that I started by doing nothing but black, winged eyeliner (quite horribly done, at that). I didn’t quite understand the concept of eyeliner, and how it was supposed to start at the outer corner of your eyes, and I walked around looking like some sort of deranged chink (I can say this, I’m Chinese) for a couple of weeks before I figured it out. I’m quite sure now, thinking back, that I started doing eyeliner because I thought the egirl look was Really Good. However my sense of fashion had not caught up to nearly anything yet, so reader, I implore you to imagine: me with ugly grey rectangular glasses, denim shorts, a white shirt, no makeup on my face except for some godawful eyeliner, and running shoes. Honestly? I’m surprised I had friends while I looked like that, and a small part of me says that: at least I know that my friends definitely like me for my personality, and not my looks.

Eventually I learned to do my makeup beyond eyeliner: blush, eyeshadow, lips, lashes… Four years on and I still haven’t quite figured out a good base routine for my dry skin, and usually forego it entirely. I’ve since moved on from thick, winged black eyeliner to a more delicate, wispy brown one; I stopped using eyeshadow quite quickly, thank god, though I do indulge in glitter sometimes; I’ve switched from a matte to glossy lip tint; my blush is much more subtle now. I’m still not very good at makeup — I feel like the girls who are experts at makeup are able to look drastically different with makeup, but I haven’t quite been able to reach that level yet. When I wear makeup, I just look like me-but-with-makeup.

All this to say: I picked up makeup at a time in my life when I was discovering I had severe anxiety. Doing my makeup before I left for school became part of my routine — I started getting ready an extra 15 minutes before I had to leave, then gradually 20, then 30 minutes as my makeup routine got more elaborate. Before I discovered makeup, I would sit, paralyzed by anxiety and nauseous, waiting till I had to leave the house. But now I had something to do with myself, something to fill the time — something I could throw myself wholly into, that didn’t just distract me from my anxiety but take me out of it entirely. (It’s hard to have the spare mental capacity for anxiety when 100% of my mental effort was going into drawing not just one, but two symmetrical perfect wings for my eyeliner.) Doing my makeup was and continues to be an incredibly grounding routine, almost meditative in the concentration needed, and as my anxiety has (somewhat) lessened over the years I’ve relied less and less on my makeup routine to cope with anxiety. But on particularly bad days, you’ll still find me sat in front of the mirror for 45 minutes, indulging in an extremely elaborate eyeshadow look, and inevitably showing up for whatever it is I’m going for looking ridiculous.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go spend 20 minutes trying to nail the perfect smoky eyeliner…

i met him 8 months ago bc i saw his profile on linkedin and, impressed by his profile, thought to myself, “who the hell is this guy?” so i asked him for coffee, and he agreed. we got salted egg chicken at simlim and made surprisingly unawkward conversation. 2 months later i met vale for lunch and she told me about this acquaintance she knew who did a bunch of cool stuff while on exchange, and i said Woah thats so cool!! Lemme connect with her on linkedin. a week later, said acquaintance accepts my linkedin request and dms me to ask: Would i be interested in working for parka? i, dumbfounded, go back to text dominic yuan to ask: Hey i thought u say u not hiring anymore part timers? Who is this person texting me to ask if i want to work for parka??? Ladies n gentlemen. It was his *sister*. I was not smart enough to put the pieces together even though they had the same last name on linkedin. Long story short, i work for parka now.

• edit: i no longer work for parka! but they are still very cool:)

i started climbing at almost the exact same time i met dom. i wasn’t very good at it, but i liked it a lot. two weeks in, i met a friend for dinner, and she introduced me to her friends as: This is ruiying. shes a musician and she climbs. and i would wave my hands and hasten to clarify that i’d just started two weeks ago, i’ve only climbed twice, and she would say: No no. Ur serious about it. I can tell. and i would blubber and make a poor attempt at refuting. she was right, ultimately, and climbing became a big part of my life (and personality), and every time i went into studio i would jokingly ask dom if he wanted to climb with me. he never seemed very interested (hes more of a soccer guy), but it was funny to ask him anyway. then he went on leave for one month (“leave”) and i asked him if he was excited to go on leave and suddenly he was the one asking me: eh we go climb? Obviously i cheered. and so dom started climbing with me, very occasionally. this is how we became friends.

THIS STORY IS GETTING LONG. BEAR WITH ME.

one day we were at climb and dom turned to me and said: ‘eh you wrote deliberate ah? not bad. could sound good if i mixed it.’ and i gaped at him and said WERE YOU LISTENING TO MY DISCOGRAPHY? ITS TERRIBLE! and he laughed & said no la. then he joked about making hyperpop, to which i enthusiastically agreed. then the conversation moved on. Later that night we were texting and dom said: ‘thanks for jio today. was a good climb. we make hyperpop pls’ and i said ‘oh yes. actually. here is something my fren made for me once, but he has since abandoned me.’ AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW W2F WAS BIRTHED…!

the moral of the story is: sometimes u can get lucky messaging random people off linkedin. sometimes they will give u a job. and sometimes they may even climb with u, after much pestering. the moral of the story is that u should ask ur boss to climb with u, and maybe u will become friends, and he will write a song with u. dom is a very good boss, and i’m very lucky to have him produce and sing on my song. ❤️ stream w2f when it comes out on friday!!!

u may presave it here!!! https://orcd.co/ry-d0my-w2f

<3,

ry

what i wanted to say is: this is a memory i will hold fondly: texting joo the night before to ask her if she eats mangoes and telling her that i was gonna buy fruits before going to studio the next day. her asking me “are u proposing to me” (i laughed). going to the fruit stall i always go to after i visit the temple, being worried that the mangoes didn’t feel as sweet and ripe as they were a couple days ago, trying to pick out a couple that smelled the best in spite of this, eventually settling on two that felt a little riper, smelled a little sweeter… texting joo on my way to the studio n telling her that the selection wasn’t great today but i did my best n hopefully they’d be good, and her saying she fought with her mom before she left the house, me trying to reply reassuringly and tell her: its okay, i will cut fruit for u and we will be ok ❤️ reaching studio, doing an atrocious job of cutting the first mango, scooping out a spoonful to feed to her, seeing her shock n delight n joy at how sweet the mango was (success!) and then her consequent shock (neg) at how awfully i was cutting the mango 😭 her taking over the fruit cutting as i scooped the cut mango into a bowl to place in the freezer, both of us making a mess bc of how ripe the mangoes were, juice dripping all over the place (and ourselves), …. placing the cut mango into the freezer and then the both of us standing over the sink/cutting board sucking the remnants of ripe ripe ripe mango flesh off the seeds and skin, giggling to each other at the mess, patting ourselves on the back for not wasting any of the delicious mango…..

love can be so easy! let me share ripe fruit with u. ❤️

05.12.24

i write to you having emerged from the debris of a 10 month relationship that extended several months into situationism. if you’ve been keeping up with my worldly exploits elsewhere on the internet, you might note that i’ve been alluding to heartbreak recently. yes. i am incoherent right now so the words are struggling to materialise, but i can explain the incongruency, but i won’t. all i will tell you is: treat this as backlog. i was in love, i am in love, we will see if i continue to be in love

i don’t remember if you’ve witnessed me in love before. i wasn’t allowed to talk about my previous relationship, so nothing remains of that except for whatever’s left in my memory and iphone gallery. my first confession should have been that i have taken a lover. this i know, as i had to start reading the “if you are attached/if you have a lover” section of my online tarot readings because the “if you are single” portions no longer felt accurate. anyway. i don’t know if i could call my previous relationship love. i would, but my lover would probably scoff at me (i’m exaggerating). so maybe you haven’t missed out on anything at all! ^ ~ ^

either way, i have a lover now. and as you know, such things tend to devolve: i am now in love. in many aspects this is a rather unfortunate development, but like i said: such things tend to devolve..! people speak of sparks, and dear god… dear god. i am just a girl. people speak of sparks, and i am unwittingly drawn to the light…

i’ve been listening to a lot of linying. house mouse, there could be wreckage here, there’s still time (under her moniker ‘doris club’)… there’s a je ne sais quoi captured in her lyricism that has seemed incredibly appropriate for whatever i’m experiencing. listen to her albums and come back to me

• there could be wreckage here / a flare in the sun / storms in the atmosphere / and i’ll be the one / to be on my feet running down the street yelling ‘i’m happiest like this’

• this time it’s catastrophe! / you know when you know / soon i’ll know the gravity

• but then these days i’m bold / i know better / i’ve seen blue moons in dreams, / watched good men grow tender

• something holy gently told me i can be free, / just gotta be a little bit blind / so i don’t look too hard / i just play my part and see / what happy looks like on my knees / if it comes to me

• i want a little faith in me!

whatever. i’m in love! and it’s been scary confusing enlightening terrifying (and i’m aware that 3/4 of these descriptors are exceedingly negative) but i think i am made better by love! the circumstances are unfortunate but i’ve fought valiantly against this and lost every single battle. so i’ve resigned myself to fate (the fates!) and i will be riding this wave wherever it takes me.

i surrender! i surrender my desire for a logical culmination! my desire to be healed! the blurriness of being alive!

ily. be well

<3,

ry

a/n: this was written months ago n saved in my drafts. i cannot say that i identify or resonate with this anymore but i figured i would publish this nonetheless, as a silly little vignette of how i once was… don’t hold me accountable for any of this!

i don’t like reading things that make me feel bad about what i’m doing. “doing this is wrong!” “DON’T DO THESE 6 THINGS!” … i dislike this kind of negative framing (damn, maybe those corporate companies were right when they always prefer positive framing). if i’ve done the things that was advised against (e.g. “don’t stay up till 4am” and then i stay up till 4am), it makes me feel bad about what i’ve *already done* (that’s in the past! that which has already happened, and which i cannot change!). i have a deep deep distaste for this sort of doomer framing, or anything that might induce guilt and shame. people have called me a baby for thinking like this (“no one (in real life)’s gonna hold your hand and guide you gently. no one’s gonna care about your progress or be invested in you, so you have to get your shit together and do it yourself. no one’s gonna tell you what to do. no one’s gonna baby you. you’re an adult. no one’s gonna be gentle with you”). i hate this framing. i am a little wuss.

how to ride a bike

there’s that story that goes, a dad is trying to teach his son how to ride a bike. as his son teeters on the bike, his dad says “don’t run into the tree!”. the son hears this, looks at the tree, and runs directly into it.

• don’t think about elephants

Okay, here's me planting an idea in your head. I say to you, don't think about elephants.
the solution to not thinking about elephants isn’t repeating to yourself “dontthinkaboutelephants dontthinkaboutelephants”. it’s thinking about donkeys instead

• you just lost the game

ironic. you’re winning the game until someone announces that you’ve lost it. the game, in particular(???), is to *not* think about the game — but when you hear of the game you’ll think of it. there’s no good way to win. unless you think about donkeys?

• in racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go.

The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle. i read this in a book when i was 8 or 9, and the metaphor has stuck with me since

focus on what you want to see more of

visakanv has a tweet that goes,

• focus your time and energy on what you want to see more of.

he often quotes this tweet as a response to people engaging with haters. or, well, he also engages with them in a good way (haters are fans too/haters do the best marketing). if you hate dogs, and you keep tweeting about how much you hate dogs, … your timeline will inevitably be filled with dogs. people are invariably(?) going to engage with you on dogs, which personally, if i were a hater of dogs, doesn’t seem quite ideal.

i’d rather focus on what lies ahead of me. what can be fixed, what has yet to be, what can still be changed/salvaged. my default state is that of a dweller. i would consider myself an expert on ruminating— on the past, on what has already been, on everything i’ve done wrong and everything i could’ve done better. i am intimately familiar with the flavour of guilt, shame, regret. Listen. i have ruminated endlessly on my shortcomings and how far behind i am and it has not helped me even a bit. i know some people run on spite. that they are able to convert these feelings into fuel to push them to go further. i am not one of these people.

this is something i’m a bit ashamed of, but i need to be coddled. i am, regrettably, of the strawberry generation. the asian tiger mom parenting does not work on me (surprise, surprise… who would’ve thought), but honestly… is anyone really surprised that it doesn’t work, when the strict asian mom voice is something i’ve so wholly internalised to no effect? if u think about it it’s kind of pathetic actually. but what i’m saying is that it doesn’t work on me… whatever anyone else could possibly have to say about my terrible life decisions and awful work ethics, i already know and repeat to myself (like GOSPEL!). soooo … i can say definitively that it is no bueno.

breakfast burritos n coffee

i don’t really understand metaphors, tbh. that story that workplaces love to tell when they bring their workers for personality tests, of the potato, egg, and coffee bean — that when you put all of these in boiling water, the potato softens from raw crunchy potato to soft edible mash, but the egg hardens from raw liquidy egg into a hard boiled one, and the coffee bean makes… water into (delicious) coffee. and i think the lesson is supposed to be something like, you should be like the egg/coffee bean? and let hardships improve you instead of weaken you and break you down?

“The potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity– the boiling water. The boiling water had changed them. However, each one reacted differently.

The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.”

- the first link on google when i searched “potato egg coffee”

i’m not very sure tbh. but i don’t really understand metaphors, and i think this story is confusing and useless bc — if i’m a potato i’m not gonna magically turn into an egg..? or a coffee bean? like what am i supposed to do???? if i am a potato that’s softened by boiling water, this is just how i am? what do u want me to do about it…

(i mean obviously this isn’t the point of the story, bc we’re not actually potatoes and i guess as humans we can “change” or “choose how we respond to situations” but like…. really? really? this is an incredible useless and ineffective story if that’s what it was supposed to illustrate. i feel like my takeaway from the story has just been like, Well i guess i’m a potato. what do u want me to do about it. can’t change it)

i need to be coddled! i love getting my stupid hand held and i love getting praised. i sound so childish. my bosses have historically hated me for this (i’m exaggerating) bc they are not in the business of babying or mentoring. they’re probably looking for an Independent Free Spirit who is Self Directed and can Take Charge of their own learning. a Go Getter! but i think i am too self conscious, shy, and socially anxious to be that kind of person. i’m still imprisoned by the arbitrary rules of my brain (“i can’t say hi to my boss cos that would just be weird and awkward and i don’t want to disturb him even though he’s literally my boss and saying hi is the POLITE, EXPECTED THING TO DO” etc). so unfortunately i think i come off as rude sometimes (when i am just nervous, and shy). clearly i won’t do very well in the corporate world…

TT______TT this will be my downfall. i want to say that i will rely on the people who can see me for who i am! and who will like me and think that i am good! but people like to tell me that its not good to rely on that, and that people are mostly bad :\ but i can’t help it. i like structure and guidance (and praise). argh. maybe i have daddy issues

ok but maybe i’m not giving myself enough credit. woof.

it’s not like i’m useless, u know. i think i’m just too nervous and unsure of myself, and i hedge too much for it to be healthy. i think i should be more confident in myself, more corporate bosswoman. surer of myself, say things without laughing nervously, not have the awkward nervous smile on my face when i present stuff or say stuff. Rawr. gotta work on that self esteem… which is funny to think about, bc i think this is something people have been pointing out to me since 2018, but i’ve somehow never seen it as something i needed to change or work on until now. heh. all in due time, i think

(tangent: when things like these happen i get nervous. i feel very anxious n guilty n shameful that i didn’t work on these things earlier. but i think, sometimes this was just how it was meant to happen. it couldn’t have happened earlier, even if i tried really hard, bc of something or another. for e.g. i told myself i wanted to learn to code in 2021. and i never got around to it, and now comscience is this huge big thing and i feel like i’ve missed my opportunity, and i’m so far behind now. but i don’t think i can blame myself for not learning back in 2021, bc if i were honest, between 2021-2024 i’ve tried to learn coding multiple times but it’s just never stuck, or i’ve just never had anything really pushing me to have the conviction to learn. but now that i’m thinking of making a personal website, i’m dipping my toes back in again, and i think… all in due time. it’s never too late. i get too caught up in ideas of falling behind and comparing myself to others and thinking about how society is moving so fast and how i’ve failed to Seize The Trend! the Opportunity! but again…. all in due time. i’m learning to let go)

so where was i? … i don’t like bad advice. advice that scolds you and tells you you’re doing everything wrong. i like advice that guides you elsewhere. that tells you what you *should* do instead. if you claim that doing ABC is bad, you'd better also tell me how to *stop* doing ABC, and what other XYZ i should be doing instead of ABC. you get my drift? i guess this is why i like visakanv’s stuff so much. it’s very uplifting, supportive, it directs people somewhere, he tells you what he thinks is a better direction. most people are just caught up in what’s BAD. most people are carousels of negativity and cynicism. i am trying to fight this. i am trying to be gentler with myself, more encouraging. obviously i’m not very good at this, bc i’ve been so dialed into the rat-race capitalist zero-sum mindset of needing to GO HARDER GO FASTER GRIND GRIND GRIND GRIND I’M SO FAR BEHIND FUCK KEEP GOING GO GO GO YOU’RE ALREADY LOSING CMON MAN DONT BE A FUCKEN LOSER!!!! but ah.. that kind of thinking hasn’t been productive to me. i’m so worried about being behind, about being slower. it goes against all of my instincts to accept that maybe i will take more time to “succeed” and that i won’t be able to have all the typical indicators of success as quickly as everyone else (nice cushy job with benefits at a well-known reputable big company that pays well) (or in the school context, awards, deans lists, gpa, scholarships, leadership positions, accolades, competitions, etc). sighing heavily.. thinking about all this brings the weight of it all back to the forefront of my awareness

so i'm trying to be gentler with myself. to not care so much about time and speed and quantity and positioning. i want to surrender to whatever my timing and path may be and have enough faith that it will lead me to the right places at the right time. that i am doing okay and that i'm not behind. that i'm exactly where i need to be, and that everything will work out for me eventually. that it's okay for the ‘right now’ to be ‘not enough’. (i know this might be flawed reasoning and that i may never feel like the ‘right now’ is enough. i want to be okay with the right now) that i'm doing okay! that i'm doing good! and that there is still hope for me, and that i haven’t irreparably fucked up my future and my chances of succeeding. sighs

i saw a jisoupy post the other day that kind of describes this whole conundrum very elegantly. transcribing the text of the post within this newsletter for ur benefit:

jisoupy: “when times are rough its easy for me to get into this mode where i try to fix myself. i think, “i’m just being lazy, i just need to get back into it”, or “i could be doing so much more. why do i have to be like this”

i find myself paralyzed, overwhelmed with even the smallest of tasks, like showering, or making a meal. all the while, responsibilities keep piling up. i wonder why i can’t do the things everyone else seems to do so easily. it puts me into a deep sense of shame.

it feels like a never ending cycle:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i feel shame & anxiety > i try to fix it by working harder & tiding myself over with treats > it doesn’t work & i feel even more shame (“somethings wrong with me”) > i’m burnt out emotionally & mentally > i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks again

but lately i’m trying to be gentle with myself instead, even when it *feels* counter-intuitive. this is what i *assume* will happen:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i be nice to myself & take it easy > i become aimless and lack discipline > i won’t do anything and my life will fall apart > i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks

but this is what will *actually* happen:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i give myself grace and acceptance, and seek help/confide in friends > i’m able to see more clearly what i need (rest, purpose, novelty, connection, movement, fun, nourishment etc) > my cup is slowly filled, i develop trust in myself > i set sustainable expectations & respect my capacity > discipline & resilience is developed from a place of care and joy > growth! the cycle doesn’t repeat!

of course in a capitalist society it's difficult to operate in this mode, since our wellbeing and livelihoods are so interlinked with how productive we are. but i think in whatever way i can, i want to unlearn shame and treat myself like a human in a world that often asks us to ignore that.

🌸🌷💐🌼

so what now?

i was gonna end my essay here and just publish it as is, but i’ve uncharacteristically decided to glance through my essay before publishing and i realised i have fallen prey to something i always criticise other people for: talking in lots and lots of abstractions with no real concrete examples, conclusions, or suggestions! so here is my feeble attempt to do that, with some examples of good advice that i enjoy:

• exploring vs exploiting

henrik karlsson has an essay that is a good example of .. showing u ways forward

• anything of visa’s

i like that he’s really supportive n encouraging n helpful and i like this approach to things. (put the gun down, etc)

i’ve been struck down by stomach flu. ending this here goodbye all feel free to ask me anything and i will add on

• indigestion. i always eat too fast while using my phone and my tummy feels bad after

• screentime. i’m on my phone way too much. anyone have suggestions on how to stop using my phone? my screentime is like >8hours a day please help me

• music. i want to write songs but i think my roadblock rn is guitar and chords. my lack of knowledge re: chords, progressions, voicings, and strumming patterns is withholding my ability to write songs and melodies. i’ve been struggling and struggling to find a nice sounding set of chords to write a melody to, and yesterday i attempted to just fuck the chords and pull a melody out of thin air & it worked so much better

• hair. my hair is too short for my liking now and i miss my long hair. my friend said that long hair is better for people with big heads cos it balances the weights out or something, and now i’m like hmm yeah i get that. But alas i chopped my hair off and am devastated about it. i’m trying to look on the bright side, like how my hair took so long to dry while it was long, and how it felt so heavy all the time, and how my scalp would feel so warm. now my shorter hair is much, Much more manageable. however, in my fits of despair i took to it with scissors and now its a bit annoying when i tie up my hair bc some bits are too short to be tied up and this has proven an annoying issue when i want ALL my hair to be tied back, zero baby hairs

• clothes. i don’t feel hot anymore, and every time i visit those vintage thrifting places like queensway or haji lane, or any time i visit an arts market or really anywhere that young people populate, i feel deeply deeply Basic. (i am usually in a shirt and jeans.) people look so cool these days and i feel like i am lacking so much je ne sais quoi in my fits. is it the lack of accessories? the clothes themselves? i’m trying to figure it out, because i think my mental wellbeing is directly linked to how hot i perceive myself as being. i’m just a girl. its crazy that my mental state can be so contingent on my appearances but ah, what can i say… its good to feel good about yourself, and makes life much more enjoyable…

• (fitness. i want to get stronger, i’m really weak, i have low stamina and zero strength, exercising is hard bc i can achieve so little that it’s hard to … mm .. push myself. and i can do so little that its hard to attempt to stretch what little i have. for eg: i want to do a pull up. i cannot do a pull up, so maybe i’ll just hang on the bar? i can’t hang on the bar for very long. i give up. no progress is made. where do i go from here? my muscles do not strengthen, i stagnate. that is just one example but it applies to everything else. it also doesn’t help that when i am by myself, i have very little motivation and do not try very hard to push myself. sighs heavily)

• music (again). i love funk. i love big band typa stuff. i love big showy broadway musical theatre etc songs with loud bright high vocals. i would LOVE to make a funky little song, a la lawrence, gracie with her incredibly strong vocals. alas, my voice is not suited for the genre. i do not sound good, nor do i sing well, in this genre of songs. my voice sounds best in quieter more intimate songs. but i love funk so much. i wish i could make it. alas… even if i were to attempt to stick to my strengths, i am finding that i’m not quite sure/not very good at writing good little tiny intimate songs. see examples:

  • rocket ship - nep

  • a big brown dog named bagel (first verse) - nep

  • the perfect pair - beabadoobee

  • sunny day - beabadoobee

  • the way things go - beabadoobee

  • would you believe - sam kim

  • scent - sam kim

  • honestly most of sam kim’s earlier discography, esp sun and moon

  • wiing wiing - hyukoh

  • mmmm. lizzy mcalpine… erase me, ceilings…

  • hmmm. actually maybe i could do a little tom misch. his vocals are on the quieter end, aren’t they… his songs are so groovy. but i don’t know how to make grooves like that

alright that’s enough for today. love u all, except for those who don’t love me back, fuck u sincerely. but otherwise, love u all who have love to give. i’ve a growing intolerance for people who are insincere and/or keep their cards close to their chest. i think there’s a way to maintain your boundaries without coming off so hedgey and manipulative. to that one girl i’m thinking of, fuck you. in another lifetime i’d skin you alive, but you’re lucky we’re in this one. <3

kiss,

ry

heh. but as much as i like the tone of his newsletters, i think the time (my time?) for newsletters has passed. i think i need to change up the format of these, transition into essays or something.. rah. but i’ve never written a story or essay before, so i’m not sure how to go about it..

some examples of essays i really like are:

• looking for alice - a good little love story that is also informational. i reread this occasionally

• actually the stuff i enjoy i cannot show u. but my friend V sent me this draft of a story/essay/thing she was working on n it blew my damn socks off! shes such a good writer n storyteller. it was so inspiring. i was like woah.. woah.. Woah. it really was very good. i find myself thinking about it still from time to time

• …to be continued

but how do people write essays? how do people figure out what to write about? how do you pull a story out of yourself, fully formed… how do they find a plot? how do i find what’s compelling? i think it doesn’t help that i myself don’t really feel compelled at all these days. i think about visa’s concept of voltage all the time…

i really have to work to *feel* stuff. my default is a very neutral state of dissociation… i find it hard to feel things. i think i may have accidentally installed dissociation in myself as my default coping mechanism, and i didn’t notice for so long that i’m not sure how to turn it off. it’s hard to feel alive most days, not that this is something i mind or notice. i usually just drift. but i feel it most distinctly when people ask me about myself, and in my struggle to respond wholeheartedly and substantially i get the distinct image in my head of trying to reach into myself past layers and layers and layers of thick, dense fog trying to extract myself from within. that’s when i notice it, at least. sometimes people ask me about myself and i find myself struggling to give them a good answer with enough content to support the conversation, and i don’t understand why the conversation is so stilted until i get back home and process the conversation, and realise that i actually have a more substantial answer in my head now and that i actually have more stuff i could share rather than just… “i don’t really mind it. it’s fine”.

my working hypothesis is that this response (or lack of it) is a direct function of how safe i feel at any given point of time, in any given circumstance. sometimes i don’t feel safe & i don’t realise it. barring a certain level of familiarity or resonance, it’s hard for me to talk about things, even if i actively want to. i wrote this instagram caption back in late feb on resonance, broken english and all:

"to me there’s something about rapport that u can really only get by building it up over time.. its like.. slowly as u keep coming into contact with each other, ur vibration frequencies get closer n closer n more n more resonant.. (this convo is inspired by the convo i had over lunch with F and K, which i enjoyed.. was also interesting to realise that between the 3 of us we have all 3 water signs..) i’m like a cat.. if i see u frequently, only then i’ll be more comfortable with u… n if i stop seeing u frequently, no matter how close we were, i will forget how to be comfortable around u.. its not even about like closeness or depth of friendship i feel.. is just about .. my comfort level. weirdly. yeah. i always struggle with trying to get back in sync with my friends after not having met them for a while, n it honestly always throws me off.. so i am .. i am trying my best to live without it, bc who has schedules that can sync up even semi regularly these days?! Cmon man. That kind of thing is rly a treasure. waaa. adulthood is so hard. growing up is hard"

i feel so ineloquent. my goodness. maybe i just have to DO. just have to try. RAH. what do i even write about??? how do i write a story out of it???? screaming. argh. okay. let me know if u have any thoughts or ideas. i’m pooped.. heh.

:p,

ry

i turn to astrology (and tarot, and whatever else is adjacent to these) when i am comparatively (astronomically) down bad. when i find myself searching for pick a card tarot readings on youtube i know i’ve been thrown off kilter. or that i am yearning for certainty…

recently i’ve been coming to terms that i don’t have “what it takes”. if you’ve been reading these newsletters for a while you will know that i am plagued by a terrible case of inferiority complex & that it is frankly deeply unbecoming n cringe.. alas i have not found a solution for it. and so i will persist in my little inferior bubble… i’ve been seeing tweets recently along the lines of “one day i decided to just stop being unattractive (one day i just decided to become hot, and i was)” and i think the same concept might apply here. but it feels so contrived when on paper, quantitatively, i feel worse than my peers… feels so contrived to claim that i have (market?) value when i objectively haven’t done very much, and am quite lame..

of course dwelling on the matter and holding a pity party for myself will not change things, n yet i do it still. anyway…

i’ve been struggling to find my way because i’m not quite sure where i should be going, and i don’t know who to look to to model my own path after. i am not a banking or finance girl, nor am i a tech or consultancy girlie, much as i’d enjoy the pay (oo la la…)… it’s unfortunately glaringly obvious to anyone who knows me that i am not cut out for the grind (!!!) associated with typical rat-racey corporate-ladder-climbing careers, n i think this devastates myself the most (i want money!!!!) (while my friends are like, ‘its fine! whats wrong with doing creative stuff?? its totally fine?? typical corporate stuff is clearly not for you & thats fine???’ but to me its like. Ahh. augh..)

Crying. but what else can i even do that’s as lucrative???? my degree brings me nowhere. i want money but my standards aren’t that high (i’m a social science major my starting pay is so low that if i don’t put money as a priority i think i will starve), but i want to be comfortable, u know? like deeply comfortable. like, i can buy drinks when eating out at restaurants comfortable. (i told u my standards aren’t that high!) i can eat at restaurants averaging 20-30$ per person comfortable. i can treat my friends to lunch/dinner comfortable. etc etc…

• someday i want to get back into music, but rawr… so tough, so tough. any1 based in sg and loves funk and would wanna jam? i’m honestly not even good enough to play funk but god do i love the genre… i love u couch i love u lawrence…

crying. the path of least resistance for me rn is marketing/comms, bc it’s something i like and i think i’m relatively decent at! i’m not a graphic designer by any means but i love thinking about campaigns and trends and strategies. ^~^ which i think is fairly common for anyone who is chronically online… and who also has a sociology degree. haha. but i have a deep inferiority complex around it, bc its the bottom of the corporate food chain, & i feel like everyone looks down on it…

• idk. i’m greedy. i want money and i want to not be looked down upon, haha

ah. what to do…

another thing i’ve been thinking about is attempting to turn this into a more formal blog. and write like, essays and articles and stories and shit. but i’ve never done that before and i’m not actually a writer so i’m scared. lawl. if i were better/more interesting/etc this would be like a knockoff walmart version of alex dimitrov’s substack, which is also a newsletter but so incredible delightful to consume. i think i’m dissatisfied that this newsletter functions so informally and like a public diary & that it doesn’t like … er, have any “value” or “function” and doesn’t rly “show off” anything about me. does that make sense, like if i had a portfolio or discography i could point to those things and people would be like Cool! You can do stuff :) but i can’t do that with this substack bc i’m just yapping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh

i dunno. thats what ive been thinking about. alrighty. have a good day folks

-ry

interest areas:

• sex

  • epistemology of sex.. the development of kink/bdsm and how its increasingly commonplace..

• romance/relationships

  • attitudes towards finding partners, settling down..

• education

  • interested in people that fall behind, and why. interested in life courses..

• queers in sg

  • curious to find out about the demographic of queers that aren’t chronically online and aren’t so deeply influenced by western culture.. want to see variances in ideologies

things i am searching for:

• companionship

  • someone to eat kaya toast n eggs with me in the mornings

  • someone to play pingpong/badminton with me poorly

  • someone to take long walks with me

• direction

  • in life

  • waiting to figure out what compels me the most

• stability

• surety

things i am thinking of eating:

• fried chicken (popeyes, jollibee…)

• chips

• something sour, and salty. limes and tajin

• mexican food… salsa

things i am thinking of buying, but haven’t, bc who has the cash?:

• loop earplugs (what model?! will they fit my ears?)

• smiskis

• good honey

• sony headphones (the wh1000xm4s…)

• more long skirts

• more clothes, always… (unfortunately)

• a mofusan plushie keychain, bc my boss has one on his desk & seeing it everyday has made me think to myself Omg so cute i want one too.

things i want to do, but can’t bring myself to:

• sing (actually, i’m ok with this, but i’ve forgotten how to sing, and my throat hurts every time i try to bc of it)

• exercise more (gym? my stomach has been pudgy recently. but i also want to do fun things, like swimming (with friends) badminton (with friends) or pingpong (with friends). one day i would like to try dancing, bc it seems fun (if with friends).)

• be smarter. read more stuff. know more stuff

• extend my attention span. i’m so distracted. nothing is interesting to me anymore, which is upsetting

• draw more. i want to make more zines but i am never compelled to when i’m alone

• clean my room. maybe if i have more space i will feel better about making stuff and doing things

• sleep earlier. i am a sucker for revenge bedtime procrastination

• eat better. eat healthier. but food is expensive, and hard to find healthier options when i’m so picky

• be smarter. think faster. do things better. have more capacity to do work i find boring and annoying (i want to impress people, like my boss) (i crave validation and i want to be good)

am i always waiting? feels like it. i am sure that when the time comes i will be compelled to do whatever i need to do, but maybe i am wasting my time… or maybe there are just more productive ways to spend my time while i’m waiting to be compelled. i’m dehydrated and my hands are dry and i forgot to bring my handcream (i actually don’t know where it went).

oh well. what are u searching for? what are u waiting for? what are u interested in? send me ur own lists. let me know.

luv,

ry

Btoh tell me write again so i write again. Hello everyone

I m an amalgamation of things my friends tell me, n alice say try new writing voice, so this is my voice now.. bit of singlish bit of boomerism. Coupled with the boomer typing styles n all. Perhaps incomprehensible grammar n syntax (Wat is syntax actually?) to non Singaporeans, but whats it 2 u ..

Hello hello. btoh say Write shorter also can.. two sentences nia.. but that dun feel good. He say write until u reach wholeheartedly #100… he say no need write wholeheartedly le.. But i think whatever i do will be earnest. Is bopes. Is a part of me. Is just the language that is holding me back, the voice that doesn’t feel resonant anymore maybe. I scared of writing le…. I open the substack writing page n i … close it. Words cannot come out. I dun like it. My brain blanks. I detest the feeling of translating my ooey gooey feelings into words.. feels weird.. i dun like it. 

I dun like doing a lot of things.. in a weird way. When i was young i would accidentally do something wrong (something inconsequential la), n my fadder would say kindly but sternly Go apologise to ur mom, go say sorry, N i would hem n haw n hem n haw n Stand in the doorway n just never do it!!!!! Cos it feels weird. I dun like the feeling, of the word coming out of my mouth… i AM apologetic.. But feels weird..

Now whether that is just a function of high context (?) communication in Asian societies/contexts, where ppl dun say stuff outright n do it thru other ways (I love yous n sorrys in the form of cut fruit), or whether this is really just a weird me thing where i dun like the Feeling of stuff… i dunno. I say feeling n it sounds abstract n emotional, but I mean it in a very physical way… It physically feels weird n i dun like it!!!!

Rawr. This is feeling nice. But i have to go buy snacks for my dad, or else i will be late to dinner… goodbye all..

it’s been a while. i’ve been very, very tired, and the only reason why i’ve returned to write this is bc two weeks ago a dear friend said i should bring it back, and it’s been on my mind since. so here i am!

how have you been?

personally, i’ve been tired. i think i am weaker than most people, so i think when i say that i’m tired, the extent of it doesn’t really register for people. i feel like i’ve been tired for a while, and i haven’t really had time to rest with intern, but the rest i get during weekends delude me into thinking that i’m recharged and okay again, so i continue agreeing to plans and tiring myself out further. sorry for that really long sentence.

and it’s really bad! i’ve been worn down. i know it’s a problem, bc the way my social battery gets smaller and smaller each time is palpable; i keep burning out during outings, and it’s so obvious and noticeable that i’m kind of embarrassed. i just stop talking and kind of dissociate.. it feels like i’m going into power-saving mode and literally just trying to pilot my body around to survive and walk around and do the bare minimum until i get home.

so i’ve been saying i’m tired for a while, and it feels like no one really listens. i feel like no one really believes me. but it’s finally caught up to me, the exhaustion finally wore down my immune system, and last week i fell deeply, deeply sick.. and is it weird that i feel a sort of vindication that i now have proof as to how tired i’ve been? to how worn down i’ve been? i want to thrust my thermometer into people’s faces and loudly proclaim “LOOK! gaze upon my high fever! i told you! i told you!”.

like, thank god i’m sick. maybe people will finally believe me.

being sick sucks though. i had a breakdown midway through bc i felt so pathetic and useless. i’d gotten better for a bit but then i got worse again; i had a headache, fever, AND nausea, and i went to take a shower to try to cool down, but it made me feel WORSE because my head was throbbing but my body was FREEZING, but i didn’t want to use hot water bc my head would hurt more, so i just froze my sick ass off through the shower.

then i got out of the shower and attempted to blowdry my hair, but i was so tired and weak from being sick that my hand hurt while holding up the hairdryer, so i had to stop and take a break. i felt so pathetic and tired and weak that i had to hold my tears back when my mom walked past me and casually asked me to help clear the dishes. later on i wanted to ask my mom where the hankerchiefs were because i wanted to sponge my forehead bc my fever was getting warmer, but i couldn’t get the words out because i fully broke down from how pathetic i felt. my mom was very concerned.

so i was sick again for a few days. i was very grateful these few days bc i felt very cared for, where previously i felt very sick and alone, esp bc i think my family didn’t realise how sick i was… but after my breakdowns they realised that my fever was pretty bad and they took very good care of me and my mom sat by my sick horizontal ass and sponged me down like i was a baby again, and i felt very sick n very loved. i am very grateful. it was just what i needed..

so yeah. that’s the story of me falling sick.

in other news, i feel like i’ve gotten too tired to care about a bunch of things. here are some things i feel like i no longer care about, accurate as of rn (6 jul 2023):

• music

  • i’ve been so tired n physically weak that listening to music hurt my ears

  • i don’t have the mental bandwidth or capacity to listen to music. i feel like i listen to music too actively to have it casually playing in the background

  • i am so bad at it, and people are so good, and i should just leave it to them and give up

  • giveuppance. makes me sad, but whatever

• photography

  • used to be really into it. vsco, lightroom, all that jazz

  • i’m tired now. it’s not something i particularly care for anymore

  • it’s not my passion, and it’s too difficult for me to do it satisfactorily for myself

• academia

  • self explanatory

  • i’ve talked this shit to death

  • no more man. i’ve lost this battle years ago, and badly

man. i feel a bit pathetic writing that last point. but eh. such is life. i try to remind myself that there are many ways to rome, and the academic battle is not something i need to win to live a comfortable life in the future…. i must forge a different path! my own one! i need to figure out what it is that i want to do with myself. i just wanna be good man.. i wanna make enough money to support myself.. i wanna be a better daughter.. i wanna be nicer to my parents.. i wanna treat them better.. i wanna be better to the people i love, and not so snappy n prickly. i wanna be more stable..

someone called me unstable the other day, which is something i’ve always known, but it hurt to hear. it sounds .. derogatory. like an insult. like it’s a moral failing. made me feel Bad. in like a, “i am a rotten child” way. like i’m a bad person for being this way. i think i’ve gotten more fragile as i’ve grown older, and i’m not sure what to do about it.. all the bumps in the road really get to me now. i’m easily shaken up. i also think that my instinct to close off when i’m Goin Thru It is biting me in the ass even harder now!!! i always feel like i'm a burden n that i should keep everything in n deal with it myself… which then makes me feel even worse bc i feel so ALONE n BAD!!!! rargh. i am very bad at asking for help. i want to try to reach out for connection more.. n open myself up..

ok i’m done. thank u for listening. that has been a very brief but vague rundown of ~most of my worries rn. hope u enjoyed the little story about me being sick, and then me being unstable thereafter. what’s new! haha. i hope you’ve been well! life has been unexpectedly tricky to navigate as of late but i’m hoping that everything settles down soon. i love u very much.

love,

ry

today i am thinking about presentation skills .. i don’t think i’ve ever regarded myself as a very good presenter? especially in academic settings. i am unable to make an engaging and interesting presentation on an academic topic/reading. ok i guess that’s not necessarily presentation skills but just .. whether i am able to synthesize n distil information n reform it in a way that is interesting. but anyway i usually stumble when reading from a script & i always talk too fast n i feel like my content is rly boring n not super engaging when i present! 

but recently i feel like i’ve somehow …. gotten better at presenting? like recently i did a presentation and i originally wrote a script but when i went up to present i suddenly felt like it would feel rly weird to read from my script? so i ditched my script entirely n just . talked . n it went .. smoothly? i think. content-wise i flopped, but i feel like i was surprisingly eloquent! like .. i could form sentences! n i didn’t stutter! n another time i had a presentation where we had to memorise our script n i was magically able to talk rly fast n smoothly despite not properly having memorised my script .. tho to be fair i was presenting on something i was familiar with!! nonetheless tho i was surprised. bc usually when i present i stutter n stumble a lot over the pronounciation of words, but in hindsight i wonder if it’s bc a script actually hinders me more than it helps me .. ! hmm ..

yeah. idk! thought it was interesting. very briefly when i was 12-ish i thought i could be a good impromptu speaker/debater. bc i thought i was not bad at just coming up with things on the spot and arguing with conviction .. ? but honestly i became a loser very quickly from age 13 onwards-ish. so i no longer thought i was good at anything at all. n i adopted the personality trait of not being competitive .. i do not like competition bc i think i will lose .. n i dun like losing .. yeah

 but anyway ya these recent experiences have made me start 2 wonder again .. like. maybe i Am a little bit good at talking? actually still not rly. i do very poorly in group discussions esp in uni bc there is nothing in my head n i do not process things fast enough. but anyway i am not Super good at talking anyway but i think also half of it (‘it’ being good at talking) comes from being from a girls school with a very loud extroverted culture. people from my school have a very distinct presentation style that is immediately recognisable. mostly. or maybe it’s been too long since we graduated n everyone has grown into their own distinct presentation styles. BUT NONETHELESS. i feel like 90% of ppl from my school are good presenters, albeit .. very standard in their good-ness. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. like everyone sounds the same. but is Good. cos is like .. loud, clear, eloquent, etc .. but all sound the same. ya

ya. sorry i went on a tangent. but anyway ya! maybe growing up is just about slowly starting to rebuild ur self-esteem. the other day my dad told me that one thing he messed up in raising me was that he didn’t raise me to be confident. n i didn’t know how to react lol. anything to do with parents is highly complex and a whole other rabbithole to get into. but yeah. that was just to say that i think i have very little faith in myself, like most every other girl .. he he

wah. i dunno how to end this. this was just a very unnecessarily long ramble on presenting. LOL. again, lmk what u think .. hm. apparently substack has a new groupchat feature or something (i do not recall) maybe i should figure that out. seems like it wld be fun :p esp if it’s similar to the comments feature on telegram channels ... it wld make . Talking . easier . i wanna hear ur thoughts .. yeah. ok. i love u! have a good day :p (also….. there’s been a drought in my brain again. so i think no more newsletters for a bit. i will see u when i see u. <3)

love,

ry <3