We were just casually chatting about busy summers, kids, school, kids sports, running a business, kids needing to be fed every day, how to not burn out as parents, oh, and kids.

She was teaching her son about not giving up when he plays tennis. He swings and misses more than he swings and hits the ball. And he’s really, really hard on himself (aren’t we all?).

She casually said, “Tennis is a game of failure! I keep telling him he has to keep swinging if he ever hopes to make contact with the tennis ball.”

And she kept right on talking.

I don’t think she noticed that I grabbed my pen real quick and wrote her words down on my notebook that stays by my laptop. I only changed one key word. Tennis was replaced with ‘leadership’.

“Leadership is a game of failure.”

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I didn’t tell her I wrote it down and, as of me writing this, I haven’t yet told her I’m writing this. She just kept on trucking with our conversation and I didn’t want to interrupt her. She was dropping nuggets of wisdom and I wanted to pay attention!

So hey fellow Amy, if you’re reading this, thank you!

So the game is up - we are going to be failing, and failing a lot. We hear it so often that it feels a little cliche at this point, but I’d love to really put this into context. In fact, I want to talk about how we fail to stay focused and how we fail to be engaged in our work, though this is a type of failure we can do something about.

Context switching, as defined by Atlassian, is “the act of jumping between unrelated tasks or projects, which significantly reduces cognitive focus and overall team productivity.”

In a nutshell, it’s when we go from Task A to Task L to Task F to Task Z to a nap to thinking about a shower. We can’t finish Task A because we had a thought that jumped us into Task L, but we can’t do Task L until we finish Task F (that we started two weeks ago), and before we know it, our brains are mush and we’re tired but don’t know why.

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Context (or task) switching can be caused by an email ding. A phone call. Someone walking into your office. It can even be caused by a hungry stomach growling.

We are surrounded by distractions and everything is pulling for our attention, making it nearly impossible to work on a task without failing at it at least once.

This is such a huge problem for our productivity, that researchers who’ve studied this have found that it takes an average of 23 minutes and 15 seconds to get back on track with our original task (UC Berkeley Psychology study). A FULL TWENTY-THREE MINUTES Y’ALL, plus some change. No wonder our work days drudge on but we feel like we’re not getting anything done.

So what do we do to fail less at executing tasks and succeed at reducing context switching?

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There’s lots of very effective strategies, and the right one is the one that works for you. But here are a few I like:

• You know your distractions, so reduce or eliminate them

  • If it’s a phone dinging, put it in another room

  • If it’s someone walking into your office, put a sign on the door

  • If it’s new emails, close the browser

These sound super simple, but we aren’t doing them, right? Start trying. Let it feel uncomfortable but see if it helps.

• Take breaks

  • Your brain is like a muscle. You cannot run it on all systems-go all the time. Before (BEFORE!!!) you sit down to start doing a task, take a break

  • Get something to eat or drink, move your legs, and breathe real air. Reset, then sit down and focus (and implement suggestion one too)

• Get an accountability partner

  • You can body double with them

  • Check in before and after the task is completed to see what you accomplished

  • Create a reward system with your partner and reward yourself

None of these strategies are rocket science. You already know all of them, at least, I would bet you do. But are you actually doing them? They don’t help if you don’t implement them.

So get to it!

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Like you have 40 humans that you are responsible for, often times even extending beyond the workplace (their spouse leaves them on Saturday and you have to find someone to finish their project on Monday - cause he sure can’t).

It feels like you have the biggest, most chaotic and fun extended family, but it’ll be hell on wheels if you forgot just one of their birthdays. No one noticed that you remembered ALL of them for five years, but sh*t hits the fan the first time you forget.

It can look like having to manage and be aware of 40 different personalities, all of which are really like 200 personalities each, because each person has five personalities and each one of those comes out at different times (she didn’t sleep well last night and suddenly you’re dealing with “Salty Susan”, and he didn’t get lunch today and suddenly you’re talking to “Just About To Blow Up Justin”, and God forbid they don’t meet a deadline, and next thing you know, you’re consoling “Too Hard On Themselves Trinity” like you’re their therapist).

If you’re laughing after reading that paragraph (but also your right eye is twitching a little again), you are my people. You’ve got the stripes and you know exactly what I’m talking about!

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YOU, as the leader, are navigating all of this every day - but all anyone ever sees is the one conversation you had with them. They don’t see the all-nighters, ruminating in the shower, overthinking the email, and quite frankly, the moments of feeling like you’re going to give up and burn it all down because fuck it, it’s not even worth it.

#truth

Someone recently asked me about delegating. She wanted to give away tasks so she could stop the thoughts of burning it all down (figuratively, obvs), and I asked her if she’d done anything already.

She said, “Well, I have a form that I need people to fill out once a year. To be nice, I pre-fill out a lot of the form - like their names, address, phone, whatever info I have on file. So all they have to do is sign. But I stopped doing that. I figure, they can fill it out. And it’s saved me so much time!”

I was speechless! This was SUCH a genius idea!

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We often view delegating as an all-or-nothing. But what if we delegate in ways that are a PORTION of the thing we want to give away (ideally until we can delegate the entire thing).

She saw a task that had to be done, decided that she was over-giving and over-doing in something that did not need her expertise. People can fill out their own forms. Most people expect to anyways.

I’m all for going above and beyond on customer service, but not at the cost of burnout on our end (because then you aren’t really serving well anyways, let’s be honest).

So she stopped doing the whole entire form, and just sent it to them to fill out in its entirety.

And guess what, the world didn’t stop spinning. Everyone was okay and she effectively delegated.

A little micro-delegation if you will, that gave her back a ton of capacity in her work, which of course spills over into her personal life.

So what can you micro-delegate? What can you improve and reduce your workload on, even just a little bit (that probably feels like a lotta bit)?

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“There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the faster you see it, the quicker you get to it.” - Nina S.

One of my Nest membership clients recently shared this quote on our group call. It struck me so hard that I stopped listening to the rest of what she was saying and furiously started writing it down. I’m not sure if she was just talking and that wisdom poured out of her spontaneously or if it’s a famous quote that I was just hearing for the first time.

She was talking about problem-solving and focusing on what she wants to create in life. When we can see the light, it’s so much easier to focus on. But what she said wasn’t that…. she said “the faster you see it..”

The faster you see it.

Think about that for a moment. The light is there, sitting at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t fail to exist just because you haven’t seen it yet. It’s there. It’s always there. It’s unchanging.

The difference is when we see it. And once we see it, the quicker we get to it.

If you want to pause reading this and marinate on that for a few minutes, please do so. There’s so much depth and truth in that simple statement that I’d hate for you to rush it.

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For some reason, the way we approach most challenging things in life is with resistance. Tension. Pushback. Rumination. Lack of action. But once we start to see a glimmer of resolution or completion of a goal, it feels like time speeds up. Momentum suddenly builds, and things don’t feel so hard any more.

In truth, the only thing that changed is our seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, that begs the question, can we find a way to see it any sooner?

One of our strengths as leaders is the ability to find that light - and I would argue it’s our duty to find it (before everyone else). A strong leader is paving the way ahead of their team, which means our eyes should be peeled for the light at the end of the tunnel at all times. We should be looking forward, keeping ourselves and our teams moving forward. If we keep our focus on finding the light at the end of the tunnel even faster, then all the faster we can point our teams to it when they’re struggling to see it on their own.

Is it possible to see the light any faster, or are we bound by the laws of physics and we just have to wait until we get closer to the end point for it to come into focus? I wish Einstein were here so I could ask him, though he’d probably just answer with physics answers I’d never understand anyways.

So you’re left with me, sorry.

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I would argue yes, we can see it sooner.

We are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel at a faster rate when:

• We are looking for it (seems obvious but bears being said)

• We trust that it’s there even before we see it (we trust our lived experience)

• We know it’s our responsibility to look for it (we’re leading, right?)

• We understand the momentum comes after the work (leading with purpose)

• We train ourselves to know what to look for (constant growth & development)

Each of these alone could be an entire two-hour long discussion and workshop with five learning objectives, but I’ll spare you. You already know these things. You just may not have pieced together the importance they play when combined into one cohesive strategy towards growing momentum in your team.

Put them all together, and voila, your team will all be cheering with you as you see the light together, faster.

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I figured I was snoring due to recent weight gain. Or sleeping with my mouth open like a fish out of water. Didn’t think much of it - just chalked it up to one of those things your body does as you get older and you learn to live with it, like a weird knee click or needing readers to see a menu.

Then I went to NYC for a few days.

You probably think I’m going to say it got worse, right? Cause NYC air isn’t exactly known for being fresh and clean, so one would assume my symptoms got worse, right? NOPE.

No dry throat. No dry eyes. Slept like a rock, woke up like normal - and I was even sharing a bed with my teen, so if anything, I should’ve felt worse being woken up all night with his tossing and turning.

But when I came home to Savannah, the first night back, it was back to the usual again. Dry throat, dry eyes, right on schedule.

I’d noticed the symptoms before I’d left, but not noticed that maybe they were unique in my environment. It took me being removed for a moment to see things more clearly.

So I started looking around my room and that’s when I saw it - my fan. Filthy. And I don’t mean “oh, a little dusty,” I mean the kind of dusty where you genuinely can’t believe you’ve been sleeping with it blasting air on your face every night without noticing. It was gross, y’all.

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Here’s the embarrassing thing about it, though. That dust didn’t accumulate overnight. Nobody’s fan gets that bad in a week. It builds up slowly, day by day, so gradually that we never actually see it happen - we just wake up one day and it’s bad.

I hadn’t noticed the dust at all. I’d noticed the symptoms. The dry throat, the dry eyes… those showed up long before I ever saw what was causing it.

So naturally, I did what any reasonable woman does with a discovery like this. I took the whole fan apart. At 11pm. On a Tuesday night.

My husband looked at me like I’d lost my mind. He told me the fan wasn’t that dirty. He kind of rolled his eyes and went back to what he was doing while I hauled out cloths and Clorox wipes to prep for fan surgery.

Y’all. It was so much worse than either of us thought.

It took an hour. An HOUR. Multiple cloths, an embarrassing number of Clorox wipes, and every single blade screaming with months of neglect I didn’t even know was happening.

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When I finally got it clean, I could not stop looking at it. It was bright. Shiny. It genuinely looked bigger, like the dust had been hiding its actual size this whole time. I turned it on and it sounded better. It was running smoother, quieter, like it wasn’t working as hard to do the same job.

I hadn’t even realized how loud it was before. That’s the part that got me. I’d just gotten used to it. It had become my normal, and I didn’t know how loud “normal” actually was until I heard the difference.

That night, I slept without the dry throat. Without the dry eyes. First full night of relief in weeks, thanks to an hour of scrubbing a fan blade at 11pm while my husband side-eyed me from the bed.

We do this in our leadership and our growth, too.

We get so used to something not working right that it just becomes our baseline. We don’t notice the dust building, even if we notice the symptoms.

The team member who’s a little checked out. The meeting that always runs long and nobody knows why. The version of ourselves that’s a little more tired, a little more short-tempered, a little more “fine” than actually fine.

By the time we notice, it’s already been building for a while.

And when we finally decide to do something about it, to actually take it apart and look? Not everybody’s going to get it. Somebody’s going to roll their eyes at the time, the money, the energy you’re putting into “fixing something that wasn’t that bad.”

They’ll tell you it’s fine. They believe it’s fine, honestly. But they’re not the one waking up with a dry throat every morning. We are.

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We should trust what our gut is telling us, even when someone else can’t see what we see - especially when we’re the one closest to the dusty ass fan.

And once the work is done? Things just run smoother. Easier. Quieter.

We don’t even realize how much noise the old way was making until we’re standing in the quiet of the new way, looking at something shinier and somehow bigger than we remembered, wondering how we lived like that for so long.

So look at the fan. Where’s your dust? What have you just gotten used to that’s actually costing you more than you realize?

Take it apart. Even if it’s 11pm. Even if someone rolls their eyes.

You’ll sleep better. I promise.

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My son (teenager) has a bunch of chores to do this summer, in addition to having fun and enjoying himself. I’m doing my best to raise him (teenager) with a sense of responsibility, accountability, and motivation.

But, my son (*did I mention he’s a teenager*), is not really showing any of those qualities right now. Instead, he’s showing laziness, grumpiness, general overwhelm at very small things, and a desire to think only of himself. Frankly, it’s driving me bat shit cray-cray.

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As I was explaining the importance follow-through and his actions matching his words, I told him that these concepts are universally important for him as he grows up - in school, in a career, and even in relationships. These are things that are foundational for success as a human.

I added that, for people like me, follow through means that much more. When someone with an Acts of Service love language is surrounded by people who say they’ll do something but don’t follow through, it’s an added insult. We take it so much more harshly than someone without this love language. So not only does he need to learn this skill, but be aware that people like me exist and if someone gets extra hurt by a lack of follow through, that may be why.

He immediately quipped, “So not following through is like your hate language?”

I love seeing the world through his eyes sometimes.

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We are so focused on how we perceive the world and what our needs are for us to perform well, that we often overlook what sabotages us. Can we not only identify what we need, but what actively works against us as well?

And yes, this applies to the workplace too. In fact, there’s a book that delves into this called the Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace that has some interesting insights on how to know what appreciation styles you prefer communicated to you at work, and how to communicate other types with co-workers and team members.

As leaders especially, this is crucial to creating a resilient workplace for yourself and your team because as my teenager so eloquently put it, if it’s not communicating appreciation, it’s communicating hate.

How often are we angry at someone at work, or building resentment, or just dislike certain people we work with - without ever stopping to reflect on why? Maybe they just grate us the wrong way or we don’t like their personalities or think that they just don’t “get us”… but could it be that they are speaking our ‘hate’ language instead of interacting in a way that communicates appreciation?

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It may be that simple.

Before you can figure out if this is happening, you first have to figure out what your appreciation languages are, and your hate languages.

Start by asking yourself -

• What makes me feel seen at work? (Is it gifts, compliments, public or private praise, etc.)

• What helps me know I’m doing a good job?

• What creates motivation for me to do my work?

Start with those and then ask yourself the opposite (what makes me feel invisible, unappreciated, disengaged) and see what comes up. It’s a great starting place for your own awareness and ultimately your own ability to communicate your workplace needs.

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My friend was so proud and said, “I won first place!”

I told him I was impressed but after he told me he won, he immediately followed up with, “Well, I still got some questions wrong, but I hit the buzzer first. While everyone else was thinking about their answers, I went ahead and locked in my turn. Then I figured out the right answer.”

Oof.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I was immediately gut punched. I am not the person to push the buzzer right away…. I stop. I ponder. I overthink - unless it’s something like eating candy and then there’s no thoughts required. But on any decision that might slightly matter, I am not one who is quick to take action.

His story made me wonder how many times I’ve missed out. How many times I may have known the right answer but was worried I might mess it up. Worried that I thought I knew the answer, but what if I were wrong, and I embarrass myself…

I think my friend saw my look of awe and added, “I still got it wrong sometimes, but who cares - I got more right than everyone else - cause they didn’t even have a chance to try!”

Imagine how much better our lives might look if we didn’t care about messy mistakes. Not that we would try to make mistakes in a reckless way, but what if we took a step that allows us to take actions without feeling like we have to mull it over to death before acting? What could life look like if we just thought it over quickly, took the action, and allowed ourselves to look dumb in the process of figuring it out?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

We can look to top geniuses for examples:

Einstein famously called his cosmological constant his "biggest blunder," only to have modern astrophysics prove that cosmic expansion requires it.

I am no Einstein, so if he can make mistakes and be a genius… maybe I can too.

In fact, what if none of us ever did anything because we were so worried we might do it wrong? We would never grow or learn or discover new ways of doing things. All new discoveries and processes are attributed to people who took actions and didn’t care if they messed up…

They were brave enough to try.

What would it take for you to be brave and step out, taking actions and reducing overthinking? What would you need to believe about yourself or the possibilities of what you could achieve if you did?

How would your life look different, in the best way possible?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

The conversation then went something like this:

I asked her what she’d been up to. Her answer (as expected), was “not too much.”

So I prodded a little more… “But what have you been doing lately?”

“Really, not much.”

We talked a bit more and she started listing out so many things she’d done in just a few day’s time - doctor’s appointments, calling the insurance company, taking care of her pets, calling the vet, paying bills, cleaning the house, date night with her partner, going to work and all the projects she’s working on there, showing up for her friends, checking on her sick mom… the list goes on.

As soon as I was able to draw her attention to those, she said, well “There’s not much significance in the mundane.”

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Right. Because if we’re just doing the things in our day that keep the wheels turning, it’s not significant (sarcasm). Whether that’s personally or professionally, we get forgetful about all of the things that we just do.

Yet if we stopped doing them, our world would look very different.

Case in point - I just went to spend a few weeks with family and work remotely out of state while my husband stayed back to work here. When I’d been gone nearly two weeks, he made a late-night confession.

“Amy, you’re never going to let this one go (side note: he’s obviously right), but I haven’t taken the trash out the whole time you’ve been gone. I mean, I’ve taken it from inside the house to the big can. But I forgot to take it to the curb for two weeks now.”

Yes, at my house, I’m the one who takes out the trash.

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This tiny little chore, this mundane thing that I do with no fanfare every week, had our garage FULL of fruit flies, and the smell of rotting chicken. The tiniest little mundane task actually has a significant impact on our quality of life. I came home a few days later and there are still fruit flies in my car because they took over the garage (so please forgive me if you see me out on these streets swerving all over the place… I’m trying to keep fruit flies out of my nostrils!).

The mundane things are often ignored, but still important.

They are significant, powerful, and impact us more than we’re willing to admit.

What things - mundane or not - are you not acknowledging as part of your work load? What things, both personally and professionally, are you not giving yourself credit for because it’s ‘too small’?

What could your life look like if you stopped and took the time to truly acknowledge what you do DO every day? Would you give yourself more grace and enjoy your work more when you stopped to see everything you were truly doing?

She still lives independently in the home she’s been in since the 1990’s, even though her husband passed away years ago. She’s sharp as a tack and remembers more details than I do.

She cooks, cleans, bakes, pays her bills, and cracks jokes all day. She also naps whenever she wants to - she’s my kinda woman.

She loves to tell stories of my great-grandfather, her father, who I knew well. He passed away in his mid-90s, also very sharp until the end. Every time we visited him, he would always say “Just do whatcha wanna do.” Whether we were coming in the house, leaving the house, or walking from room to room, Papa wanted us to know we could ‘do what we wanted to do.’

I’m not sure if his childhood meant he couldn’t do what he wanted or why he wanted to make sure we knew we could, but it was a constant saying of his. I can still hear his voice as he said it.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

My Great-Aunt tells story after story of Papa, her mother, and our family. I’ve spent two weeks living with her, working from the tiny bedroom desk. In between emails and meetings and client calls, I’ve gone out to sit with her by the big kitchen window.

Sipping her coffee, reading one of her twelve Bible devotional books she reads a day (that’s a real number, that’s not an exaggeration), or watching her pray for the over 120 people on her prayer list every day, I can see a perspective of life that few get to see.

She grew up living in a shack, pumping water from the ground every day, and wiping her bottom with the Sears paper instead of toilet paper.

Today, she sits in an air conditioned house with a coffee pot and more freezers packed full of food than anyone could ever eat. She could feed the whole town and there’d still be food left over.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

She’s led her family through ups and downs and ins and outs of change, hardship, successes, failures, deaths, and births. She is not only a great-grandmother, but she is now a great-great-grandmother.

How does one get to an end point like this, with such grace and success?

We make sustainable choices.

We look at what we’re creating and we are honest with ourselves about what is truly sustainable and what isn’t.

What can we handle and what do we need to outsource?

What is helping us reach our goals and what is keeping us spinning in circles?

What makes our lives more full - professionally and personally - and are we actively choosing those things?

We can lead, or we can lead well.

We can burnout while leading, or we can lead sustainably.

We can keep our eyes on the prize, or we can waver with the wind in the process.

My Great-Aunt didn’t get to 93 years old and still baking pies by taking the easy way out. She had great genes to start with, and she made sustainable choices to get her where she is today.

We can all learn a lesson from her and Papa… You can do whatcha wanna do. So what are you choosing?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

This evening I was walking long stretches of dirt roads with my niece. Well, I don’t actually know what she is to me… my 2nd cousins’ daughter. But I’m not sure he is my second cousin. I dunno - she’s kin somehow.

After two weeks of living out here in the deep country, I’d already run from about 32,000 horseflies, 6500 wasps, 18,101 ticks, and quite a few mosquitoes.

Living out here is not for the faint of heart. Nature is king and nature is out to get your ass.

We had walked, watched the birds, talked about the difficulties of teenage-hood (which is similar no matter how rural you get), and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was a beautiful, hot af, muggy, nature-filled walk.

On our way back, I got a sharp stab in my left calf. Now, if you’ve never been bitten by a horsefly, count your lucky stars. Let me be frank - it hurts like a son of a b*tch. They will bite you through blue jeans and the blood will pool up in the jeans; I know from experience.

Today, I was wearing my black leggings (on brand for me), and it bit me through the thin cotton cloth. It hurt, and I immediately slapped my leg in reaction. It buzzed around me and tried to find another place to land. I jumped, squealed, and swatted. It tried to find yet another place. I twisted, turned, screamed, it went behind my back.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I twirled like a ballerina on the wet dirt roads, nearly falling over, swatting with all my might, and I almost got the little booger.

Then it went straight for my maybe-niece.

She, wearing shorts, started screaming and jumping and dancing (with a little more grace than me, in part due to the 100 less pounds that she weighs than me). She swatted, and it came back to me.

This continued - I am not kidding - for about 15 minutes. We slowly were dancing down the road, unwilling participants in a horsefly tango, before we both just took off running.

Now listen. I was wearing long sleeves. It had rained all day. It was muggy and humid. I am on the path to being fat. I am certainly 100% out of shape. I. Do. Not. Run. But I ran my fat a$$ today! Up a hill, in the mud, trying to get away from this damn horsefly.

It didn’t work.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

He was persistent and chased us nearly a quarter mile down the road. I was out of breath and thought that maybe if I just let him bite me good, I can hit the f*ck out of him and kill him on my leg. It just might be worth it.

And then my niece (quite literally) attempted to ninja-kick him, because why not. And he flew off into the field next to the road.

We’d finally become too much bother for him.

Now, I don’t know - who was more resilient in this situation? Us or the horsefly? On one side, we are because we won and he left. Yet, on the other side, the horsefly is because he had a plan and a strategy and focus. We were just flailing like idiots the whole time, grateful there were no other witnesses.

What are your thoughts?

Google says resilience is defined as “the ability to adapt, recover, and bounce back from adversity, trauma, or significant stress. It involves mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility, allowing individuals or systems to navigate challenges and even grow stronger from difficult experiences.”

In truth, we were both resilient in a lot of ways - adapting, recovering, and bouncing back. I would argue that the horsefly didn’t experience the same trauma and significant stress that I did, but I might be biased there lol.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

We are often facing situations like the horsefly every day - but the triggers look benign from the outside and the flailing is all happening inside our heads. It looks like an email that acknowledges someone else for the work we did and our thoughts running away with us.

It looks like being asked to work even more overtime, with little to no warning, and being pissed but not working out those feelings, essentially slapping ourselves in the process - only causing ourselves strife but no one else.

It looks like running from our problems when we’re out of shape because we didn’t prepare for the horsefly tango.

I know that I wouldn’t have come back home with a beet-red face and so much sweat on my shirt that five hours later it’s still drenched (this is sadly true), had I been more prepared. But I also know that I’m resilient, I survived the attack with only one bite, and next time…. next time, I’m bringing fly spray.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I didn’t know he was going to be asking this question, or any of the questions he asked. I didn’t have time to process, rehearse, or mull over exactly what I wanted to say. I don’t think anyone had asked me that question before that day, and it surprised me.

In fact, what I said to him is not the first thought that popped into my mind. My very first thought was, “Why wouldn’t I have? Being a miserable turd is no fun.”

Instead I said something else that was true, something to the effect of - “I had a choice. I was going to go through cancer no matter what, so I got to choose how I wanted to do it. And I chose joy.”

We really do have a choice, don’t we?

“Growth doesn’t automatically come from difficulty.” I read that this week and it made me think of that podcast interviewer’s question.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I think we all think growth is automatic, right? I think we expect difficulty to automatically just make us better and more resilient and stronger.

And it CAN. But it doesn’t happen automatically.

How many people do we know that go through hard things and become hard themselves? Thickening their outer walls and shutting themselves off to people.

How many people get feedback that’s hard to hear or not something they wanted to hear, and they dismiss it and self-validate instead of grow?

How many times do we go through the same freaking struggle over and over because we don’t take the time to learn and change?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Instead we stagnate.

We justify.

We explain ourselves, like it somehow makes things different.

We validate our own preconcieved notions.

“She just won’t listen” or “he’ll never change” or “I tried ten times already, I’m done.”

Struggle ≠ automatic growth.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

We still have to choose to grow. We have to choose to listen to the guidance of the experts and those that have gone before us. We have to know that we are sometimes wrong and eat crow.

Without that choice, our struggle is just our struggle, nothing more and nothing less. We can choose to make it a story or another piece of data to validate our current situation. We can share it with other people for understanding and sympathy and they’ll likely agree with us - because they already know we don’t listen to opposite opinions.

Or we can stop and ask ourselves is this the direction I want to keep going?

What is this struggle showing me about myself, my situation, my life choices, my goals that I want to do differently?

And then we have to dig in and change. Get an accountability partner, get a coach, get vulnerable and exposed to the right people, and commit to doing it differently.

It will not be pretty. In fact, it’ll be hella messy.

But struggle ≠ automatic growth…. we have to choose.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Maybe I’m just tired but that felt like an epic mic-drop moment. I feel like there was some unintentional ancient wisdom shared in that brief sentence.

We were discussing a difficult situation at his job, where things just needed to be addressed. He’s responsible for several people on his team, and knowing him well, I know he has a servant’s heart.

He wants to fix problems, find solutions, and partner with everyone on his team.

And he also has to get sh*t done. That’s his job.

It’s a fine line to balance responsibility with accountability. Empathy with execution. Kindness with results.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Something had happened at work (I’m not privy to the details) and he could see that things were starting to go off script. The plan was falling apart and he was seeing the writing on the wall that their project may not be finished on time.

He could also tell that it was due to a few, small but meaningful, mistakes. Little things that added up to bigger issues.

As the leader of the team, he had a decision to make. Raise hell or raise concerns.

We often feel like raising concerns means that we’re raising hell. We fear that if we share some difficult feedback, all hell will break loose. People will hate us. We’ll be viewed as a bull in a china shop. The whole world will fall apart and we’ll go down with it.

In fact, just today, one of my private clients reflected back to me how she’s being pushed to say the hard things while running her business. Even though she’s the owner, her assistant told her something that was hard to hear. Truthfully, my client should’ve been the one to say the thing, but her assistant found her bravery before my client (which is actually so beautiful and shows a lot of trust).

My client said, “It’s. SO. Hard. I knew it. I could see it coming. But I was afraid to say anything. I didn’t want her to hate me. I treasure our (professional) relationship.”

She’s right. My brother is right too.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

As leaders, people depend on us.

They need us to not only see the hard thing, but to do the hard thing.

It requires vulnerability.

It requires self-reflection.

It requires thick skin.

It requires action.

Where can you raise concerns, but not raise hell this week?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

It. Was. Epic.

They saw my long hours, hard work, persistence, and dedication. And now I could help really steer the ship in the Science Department.

I had ideas. Really freaking good ideas.

The students were going to have a better experience. The other Science teachers were going to love me. The parents were going to vote me best teacher of their lifetime.

I had so much to give, and enthusiasm to boot.

I remember sitting in one of our Science Department meetings shortly after my promotion. I had a great idea and I couldn’t wait to share it with the team.

One of my fellow teachers had started to share an idea, and I validated her ideas. I shared my own. We worked together. We collaborated. We created. And I walked out of that meeting feeling like I was on cloud nine. It was all coming together.

Fast-forward about a week or so, and I was having a hallway conversation with this teacher. It was class change time, with the hustle and bustle of the halls, kids cussing and running to class, and teachers having one of the few two-minute adult conversations we had sprinkled throughout our day.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

She said, “Amy, you need to know - and this might be hard to hear - but you’re coming across like a real bitch lately. I’m not sure what’s changed, but it’s starting to get annoying.”

WHAT?!?!?!

Class changed finished and we had to go back into our respective classrooms and start teaching. I taught in a daze for the whole class before dismissing them.

I wasn’t sure if I should step out into the hallway for the next class change or if I had the courage to face her again. No one had ever spoken to me that way before, and honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

My ‘promotion’ had made me available for criticism.

My desire to serve and effect change was putting me in a vulnerable place.

My stepping into taking action pissed people off.

Something about my words, my delivery, my methods… something I couldn’t place… was pushing people away instead of bringing them closer.

And I had no idea what it was.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I had a blind spot the size of an elephant and I had no idea how to figure out what it was… because, it was a blind spot. How in the hell was I supposed to see it, much less fix it?

I had to sit with the fact that people were having parking lot conversations about me and I’d had no idea it was happening.

I was walking around, not only thinking I was doing a great job, but proud of myself for everything I was doing! And I was wildly missing the mark.

No one was having the conversation about the successes, but instead no one was telling me just how much I was failing them. And it took the courage of a friend and fellow to tell me. Honestly, she probably got to a breaking point with me and risked our relationship to let me know.

How many parking lot conversations had been held before it even got to that point? I was nervous to find out.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I knew I had to put on my humble hat and ask her.

The only way to the other side of my failing was through tough conversations. Ones that would shine a bright light on my weaknesses. While also simultaneously having the bravery to listen with an open mind. One that was dedicated to fixing what was wrong - even when what was wrong was me.

So I did.

I dug in. I ate humble pie. I cried. A lot.

Slowly, piece by piece, I was able to see where I was coming across as arrogant when sharing my ideas. I saw where, when I thought I was ‘collaborating’, I was really steam-rolling my ideas with a smile and calling it collaboration. I could finally see how my attempts at authority were really veiled judgements about others. And I had to admit the impact it was having on the team.

Piece by piece, I unraveled my faults and started to intentionally improve them. It was messy. It was ugly. It took more time than I wanted it to. But months later, we’d arrived at a place of symbiosis. A place where everyone was heard and valued and the team flourished because of all of our combined efforts.

Yes, I still led. No, it wasn’t the experience I thought it would be. But it literally shaped who I am today.

And I’m finally at a place where I’m grateful for that (overtly) direct comment in the hallways.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

We can’t wait for him to get here. He’s going to have PRESENTS. Treats. Miracles we’ve been waiting for our whole life! A day off. Time with family. Pajamas. Sleeping in.

True Magic.

And then we treat Mondays like our narcissistic ex.

We used to think he was cute but now we gag at the sight of him. He’s gaslit us into thinking he’s on our side - “Look how great this is! You love me, right? I didn’t do anything wrong… it was just how you thought of me!” He’s sneaking behind every corner, waiting to remind us that he’s still there, God forbid we ever take a moment to not think about him. He acts like the victim, but if you only had a better attitude, it wouldn’t be so bad.

True Sucky-ness.

Let’s stop gaslighting ourselves, and see the Sunday scaries for what they are… they’re the revival of a hustle and grind that steals our joy instead of providing it. No one wants to see their crazy ex, and the night before you know you will, it’s only normal to be filled with dread.

So let’s deal with our work week like we deal with our human equivalents of a software bug. We plan around it and reduce it’s importance until it’s no longer relevant.

Let’s go.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

What’s the actual thing that gets us stressed about Mondays? The thing that we keep thinking about on Sunday nights? It’ll be different for all of us, but I’m going to wager that the answer lies somewhere in the ballpark of being asked to do too much, being worked harder than humanly possible, dealing with people that stress us out, and/or feeling like the hard parts of work never get done. Was I right?

Once you know what it is that’s churning up all your thoughts and feelings into the scaries (and this may change week to week), then we have to come up with a strategy to circumnavigate it.

Ask yourself - what’s one thing I can control that would make this easier? (Hint: your brain is likely going to tell you “nothing”. That’s normal. It’s also a lie. Don’t give up here… push yourself a little).

Then, think about how to do something differently. What can you change? Is it a different breakfast (or actually eating breakfast for once - I’m looking at myself here). Is it driving a new route on the way to work? Is it talking to your bestie the night before? What can you do to switch it up? Our brains love predictability, but often use it against us. Do something new.

And lastly, plan.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I always recommend in my trainings to leaders that they should be planning on Friday. What do you need to do next week? Brain dump your fears, frustrations, celebrations, questions, and whatever else. Create something with that mess - I’m going to call this person, email these five people, and go out to eat on Wednesday as a mid-week motivation. Whatever works for you! PLAN.

Then let it the f*ck go.

Go into your weekend, knowing that you already figured it all out. Anything that comes up over the weekend will be dealt with on Monday. And you know it will - because you already planned.

Check mate to the ex.

No more Sunday scaries.

It is simple. It’s not always easy. But it IS doable.

Try it out, keep practicing, and you’ll only get better at it.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

It’s a lot. We both just kept saying on the call… “This is a lot.”

I gave her a challenge - in the next week, I wanted her to look for her NO’s.

Being overwhelmed, she’s carrying too much. She’s juggling everything. It is all starting to weigh her down, making even the simplest things feels ten times harder than it needs to be.

I could see, from the outside, that something needed to be put down. So I asked her, not to create a ‘no’ where there didn’t need to be one, but as things come up, really stop and think… should this be a no?

She interrupted me to say, “I’m going to write this down so I don’t forget.”

And then she paused.

Her voice got higher and she said, “I can tell you what I’m NOT going to do! This to-do list! I’m not doing it. I’m writing down everything I’m NOT going to do.”

I died laughing, “This is your UN-to-do list!!!”

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Think about how powerful that is. Yes, we laughed and it was honestly funny, but step back for just a second and think about that.

Her defining her “No I’m NOT going to do this” list creates so much momentum:

1. She sets and clearly defines boundaries on her time and energy

2. She immediately knows what she now IS going to do

3. She reduced guilt because now it’s just a ‘rule’ she made and nothing she has to hem and haw over

4. Decision fatigue is nearly eliminated - she isn’t going to do it. Period.

5. She is reminded that she is in control of her time, and it’s up to her to get shit done - or not

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

So what needs to go on your UN to-do list? What drags you down? What do you hate doing that you can let go? What would create a ton of traction for you if you just eliminated it?

I’d challenge you the same way I challenged her - where can you find your no?

• Once I make more money, I’ll feel safer

• After I get the promotion, then I’ll know I’m good enough

• If I only could master that skill, then life would be easier

• When I get out of this job, the next one will be better

• Once I lose weight, I’ll be loved more and feel more confident

The list goes on.

I was talking to a group of friends the other day about a VERY fucking frustrating goal I have. I won’t share it publicly, but it’s something I’ve lusted over for yearsssss. I really want to achieve a level that sometimes feels absolutely impossible.

I’ve paid thousands for really good coaching and it’s helped me get closer, but I’m not there yet. I’ve stayed up late to learn more, and it’s given me more momentum, but I haven’t quite reached that goal yet. I’ve done affirmations, talked to my friends, prayed my ass off.

I’m doing alllllll the things. But I’m still not there yet.

And sometimes (okay, constantly), I’m pissed that I haven’t reached this goal yet. Like, genuinely just pissed.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

So I’m sitting here on Zoom, in a group coaching call, and venting to my business besties. I was low key playing the victim. I don’t tap into victim energy often and I have a low tolerance for it in others, but sometimes, if I’m honest, I slip into that mindset myself.

WHYYYYYYY haven’t I accomplished what I’m working towards yet? 😫

I’ve done all the “right” things. I’m showing up even when my brain is telling me to give up. I’m taking actions, growing, pushing myself beyond my comfort levels, and STILL it’s not happening.

And IF ONLY I could get there, then I could take a deep breath. Once I’ve accomplished this thing, then I’ll know I am capable. Then I can be proud of myself. THEN I can take a deep breath and rest on my accomplishment. Then I can open new doors and move into the next phase. Then, I’ll know I’m a badass for real.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

One of the women spoke up and said, “That’s called Arrival Fallacy.”

I beg your finest pardon.

According to omnipotent Google, “Arrival fallacy is the false belief that reaching a specific, long-sought goal (e.g., promotion, marriage, wealth) will bring lasting happiness or fulfillment. Coined by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, it causes people to neglect present joy, only to feel empty or disappointed upon achieving the goal, often creating a cycle of setting new, higher milestones.”

We see this show up all the time. Google also shared concepts related to Arrival Fallacy:

• “Hedonic adaptation: Returning to a baseline level of happiness despite positive changes. (note: we see this in lottery winners)

• Olympic Gold Medal Syndrome: The profound letdown or depression athletes often experience after winning their top prize.

• The "When-Then" Fallacy: "When" I get X, "then" I will be happy.

• Moving the Goalposts: Continuously setting new, harder targets, rendering past achievements irrelevant.”

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Talk about a mind-blowing moment. Not only do I do this, but lots of people do this, and we’re all fucking setting ourselves up for disappointment.

So what do we do? How do we navigate this when our brains literally have us convinced that reaching a certain goal is going to create a particular feeling and a life we want?

How do we let go of feeling like achieving that goal will create a be-all, end-all situation for us and solve all of our problems? How do we convince ourselves to keep going even if we now know the goal won’t create that outcome?

The strongest answer…. cultivate gratitude in the present moment.

Ew.

Honestly, I don’t like ‘fluffy’ answers and things that feel feelings-based. I like hard science and action and lists. I want a list I can check off because that’s way easier than doing things like cultivating stupid gratitude.

And yet here we are.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Ironically, my therapist advised me to start a gratitude practice at the start of Lent. Daily writing down the things I’m grateful for, and because my therapist is second in line to Jesus, I do pretty much everything she tells me.

So since the start of Lent, and even now - well past Lent - I’m writing daily gratitude lists in the morning. Let me share a few of the things I’ve written over the last few months with you:

• Rainy mornings

• Hot coffee

• My business mastermind

• My assistant

• Lunch with friends

• Birds

• Healthy body

• Chilly mornings

• Clouds

• Puff plus lotion tissues that don’t hurt my nose

• Under eye gold thingies (literally that’s what I wrote lol)

• Waking up on time

• Spanish moss

• Two consultations with potential new clients

• My dad bringing me coffee

• My parents watching my kid so I can sleep later

• Cat snuggles

• My double chin (cause I am learning to appreciate my chub)

• The fan running at nighttime

• Deep conversations on Ossabaw Island

• Feeding donkeys

• Solo space

• Learning

Honestly, even just re-reading some of these things and writing them out for you feels good. It feels like life is full. It feels like I have things to appreciate, and that I can appreciate life now, whether or not I reach that big audacious hairy goal.

There is something motivating about cultivating gratitude. There is power in releasing a goal’s grip over ourselves. There is momentum in finding value in the process and not just the outcome.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I like my hazelnut coffee creamer. I like my coffee only after taking my son to the bus because I can drink it in peace. I don’t brush my teeth in the morning because I can’t figure out a coffee routine around toothpaste and I refuse to let the two ever meet. I like starting my day in devotional and journaling.

Every morning, I come in my Queen’s Room*, coffee in hand, and sit down at my desk. I put my coffee on a cup warmer** because I never finish it before it gets cold. I open up my devotional and my fox journal and get to reading.

My Queen’s Room is painted a dark green - Betta fish they called it - and feels snuggly and moody. I love it. I have pops of light here and there, and often times the juxtaposition of the dark and light together set off a perfect mix of comfort and beauty. In the far back corner of the office is a tall lamp, shining light over the whole space. It’s an awkward corner to reach and the pull tab for the lamp is hard to access without knocking the lamp over.

Luckily, in today’s world we have a wealth of tech to support our minor inconveniences. Enter, the smart plug connected to my Alexa.

With no effort beyond a verbal, “Alexa, turn on the light,” my room is brightened and lifted for my morning routine.

If only the rest of life was that easy.

If only, when I’m tired and exhausted, I could ask Alexa to turn on some light in my eyes.

If only, when my day is overwhelming, I could ask Alexa to run a meeting or make a phone call or change my doctor’s appointment.

If only, when I’ve overcommitted myself to yet another thing because I’d feel guilty if I didn’t say yes, I could ask Alexa to go in my stead.

Unfortunately, turning on our light is a job we can’t outsource. At least, not yet.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

My light is still my responsibility.

If I’m burning the candle at both ends, it’s my job to figure out how to keep the light going.

If I’m extending my professional responsibilities beyond my actual job and it’s hurting my performance, it’s my job to reign myself back in.

If I’m not delegating tasks because I think I can do it better, it’s my job to learn to let go of control and allow others to shine.

If I’m working too late/too hard/too much and not taking enough breaks, to the point that I’m wearing myself thin, it’s my job to pay attention and make the hard choice to rest when I just want to keep going.

Today is a great example.

My son got me sick. He coughed and sneezed all over me all weekend, and I didn’t think it was anything beyond allergies. I was wrong. Monday morning, I had a low-grade fever, super sore throat, and felt weak. F*ck.

I have a really busy week this week. So I worked from bed on Monday and Tuesday, thinking I could trick my body into faster healing if the work was done in a different place.

Turns out, my body’s not that stupid.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I’ve been taking DayQuil, ibuprofen, eating good foods, making sure I am going to bed at the right time. But I’m still feeling shitty. I hate it when the formula doesn’t work the way I want it to, or on the timeline I want it to.

On Wednesday, I am meeting a client for lunch. I think we’ve rescheduled this lunch twice already. And I still feel like shit.

It’s my job to pay attention. It’s my job to take care of myself. It’s my job to know what I need to be healthy enough to serve my clients well.

So I made the hard choice. I texted my client and asked if we could still do the lunch, but do it virtually instead. It would allow me to work from home (my meetings are all back to back to back today), and I wouldn’t have to fully cancel our lunch.

Sending that email was hella hard. Especially to a client that I love.

But I am learning what my job is when it comes to my sustainable performance. I can’t burn the candle at both ends and expect to be good at what I’m doing - personally or professionally.

It can’t be, “Alexa, turn on the light,” it has to be something I tell myself instead.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

*My Queen’s Room is the affectionate title I have for my domain in the house. My office, it’s my office.

**Link is an affiliate link, meaning that if you purchase the item, I will get a small percentage of the sale at no extra cost to you.

Picture this - it was not yet 7am and I’m standing in the bathroom next to my kid, who is nearly my height now, staring in the mirror next to him, tears building in his eyes.

He just got a haircut this weekend, and it was finally a haircut he liked. We have spent yearsssssssss trying to master his hair to his liking. And, in my wildly biased opinion, his hair is perfect. It’s the hair I would’ve dreamed of having at his age. But the grass is always greener and all that.

But there’s only one problem - the cut is just the start of the problem.

Now, we have to style it.

At 7am.

And it just. wasn’t. working.

Nothing he tried, nothing I tried, nothing that was suggested was getting him to the result he wanted.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

When we were at the barber, he was taking a huge risk on a new guy. I just happened to come across him on TikTok and my son liked the results. We took a leap and booked the appointment.

We were all nervous. We knew how important this was. No pressure.

Thankfully, the young barber was detailed, taking his time, being precise, and fully invested in executing the perfect haircut.

I was sat on a little chair to the side, watching it all unfold. Saying silent prayers for success.

Ever concerned with the progress, my son kept trying to get a glimpse in the mirror while the barber worked. Straining his little eyes while trying to keep his head still, he was reaching for any sight of the progress he could get.

As the barber moved to one side, he turned my son in the chair, away from the big mirror in front of him. But, he immediately noticed a mirror to his left side. The barber tilted his head, ear to shoulder, and angled downwards.

That perspective was not conducive to him checking the progress in the mirror. The horrors! I watched as he stretched his eyes all the way as far left as he could, trying to watch.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Yet as his eyes moved, so did his head.

The barber corrected.

My son tried to see himself again.

The barber corrected again.

My son moved yet again.

The barber, ever patient, moved him again.

And my son still stretched to see himself.

It was in that moment that I realized - what we set our eyes on dictates our actions. Constantly concerned with whether or not the outcome was going to live up to his expectations, my son was making it harder on the barber, and therefore less likely to be perfect.

And he couldn’t help it.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

He just had to watch. He had to see. His attention had to be on what was happening. He couldn’t let go in that moment to trust the process and allow the expert to work. He wanted to watch the whole thing.

If we try to show up every day, paying attention to everything, making ourselves available to it all - we can’t keep up. Our eyes are looking at one thing, changing our actions and then something else grabs our attention and we’re suddenly herding cats and trying to keep up.

The barber knew what he was doing. He had the tools, the training, the vision for what the finished product could be. What he needed most from my son was simple: trust. Just be still. Let me work.

But we live in a world that has conditioned us to believe that watching everything, responding to everything, being available to everything is the same as being on top of everything. It isn’t. It’s the opposite.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

When you are always on — always checking, always available, always reacting — you are that kid in the chair.

Eyes darting. Head moving.

Making it harder for the very things you care about most to come together the way they should.

Your attention is compromising the outcome.

The best haircut my son ever got happened in the moments he finally stopped watching and just let it happen. Now if we can just learn to style it.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I used to be an Assistant Principal for the largest school in the state.

It was all-consuming.

I managed a team of over 35 staff at any given time. Everyone needed me - from small problems to divorces to PTO for surgery.

Something that took me years to learn was that some of my team were quiet.

They didn’t want to be ‘needy’. They didn’t want to be a burden or a bother. So instead, they allowed their work to eat them alive. They missed family events, they did extra work for staff that were slacking, they were making sure anything they gave me was flawless.

And it heavily cost them their well-being.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

One day, out of the seeming blue, I got a resignation letter from one of my best teachers. We’ll call her Victoria.

Victoria sent me an email with very little in the email body, other than stating that she was resigning, she’d enjoyed working with me, and it was time to move on.

I spit out my coffee.

Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I immediately picked up the phone, called her, and asked her what the hell was going on. Where did that resignation even come from?

“Amy, I’ve been staying up until 2am every day working. And I missed my son’s soccer game so I could catch up and not be behind.”

WHAT??!! I had no idea.

That’s the hard thing about being a leader. Sometimes our blind spots are hiding right in front of us, in the best staff we have. They may be performing the best, but it’s costing them everything they have.

I told her that she was taking the next day off, free PTO, and meeting me for lunch. And to bring her laptop.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

I bought her some Panera and we sat for a few hours fixing everything that was draining the life from her. Boundaries around her time, every day logging off at 4pm, and no more ‘perfect’ work. It was allowed to be messy if it needed to be. The world wouldn’t end.

Thankfully, she trusted me. Victoria was willing to try. She wasn’t fully bought in and she didn’t think I’d suddenly handed her the keys to the world, but she was willing to skeptically implement and see what happened - no promises.

A few months later, Victoria was thriving. It wasn’t a perfect process, but we figured it out together. She wasn’t missing her kid’s events any more, she was feeling better and smiling more.

She had found herself again - as a teacher and a human.

The ironic thing is, her students needed her as both. A burned out teacher was of zero value to her students. Burned out staff were harder on me than thriving staff.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

The homeostasis that’s created when the leaders, the team, and the clients are all thriving is one that can run full steam ahead - with everyone in sync to what’s best for them.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I can confidently say that any performance that happens as a result of burnout is not valuable performance.

All day long, I’ve worked - with clients, networking, speaking, consultations, connection meetings. Then I pay bills, cook dinner, get my kid off the bus and start homework, chores, and create connection with him.

From the time my eyes open to the time they close, I’m doing.

But there’s a stretch of the day from 9:45p to midnight where I feel the most like myself. I’m ‘off duty’ in the roles I play every day, and I get to choose what I do during that time.

The world is my oyster.

Do I want to binge watch Bridgerton?

Make some headway on the 18 books I’ve been putting off reading?

Sleep?

Or work on my business?

Wait, what? Did I say do work? More work?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Hell yes, I did!

I absolutely love working on my business, especially after hours when people aren’t needing me. I can sit, warm cup of tea, in my dark office, with music on and work to do.

It’s often when I write these Substacks - clear minded and focused without distractions.

Follow up with people - because I have the free mind to remember who I need to follow up with.

I can learn, listen to trainings I invested in without making the time watch.

I have time to dream.

I looooooooooove working after hours sometimes. Not every night, but quite a few of them. I also love working on the weekends. I love that my life and my business blend and I get to do this work.

I have lived like this for nearly seven years, and honestly, even before I opened my business.

Some people judge me for it. My husband doesn’t understand it. I don’t always share that I do this with other people, because I refuse to spend time defending how I spend my time.

But it’s time to talk about it. Because passionate work actually helps reduce burnout.

Yes, I said it.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Working EXTRA, when it lights you up, actively reduces burnout. It’s okay if that rubs you the wrong way. It’s not the popular message right now. We have to be mindful of how much we’re working, obviously, but if we’re working extra because we’re so excited about the work that we’re doing, that IS a form of self-care.

Living my life like this for over a decade, it’s something I’ve never talked about. I was too worried about how people might take it wrong or judge me (the Queen of Balance) for working late nights.

But here we are. It’s time I said this truth out loud.

Have you ever felt this, or am I alone in this one? I feel like there are a lot more of us out there but we’re quietly hiding at night, working silently, and having a damn good time doing it.

Maybe we could start a club.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

If you don’t know me and my story, that may seem like an odd statement to lead with, so let me catch you up real quick.

Today is the 6th anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with a very aggressive and killer cancer. My ‘cancerversary’ I like to call it.

I’ve never been big on celebrating birthdays - I literally forgot my own birthday one year - but man let me tell you… I celebrate them now, and I celebrate my cancerversary! Not everyone understands that decision (my husband included), but that’s okay. For me, it represents a type of birthday for me. A renewal. A new beginning and a fresh start. It might’ve been one hell of a rocky start, but it was deeply powerful.

I literally had a 40% chance of being alive today, and if that isn’t the start of a new beginning, I don’t know what is.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Sometimes my cancer journey seems like it was a lifetime ago, and sometimes it feels like it’s biting at my heels, trying to grab me again.

Cancer is a chronic journey - not like a flu or cold that you treat and it goes away. Cancer can go away, but every headache, nose bleed, weird bump, and strange feeling will PTSD you right back to where you started.

Those of you who have navigated this journey know that even when you’re cancer free, you still see your oncologist - for me, that has been monthly for the first five years and I’ve finally graduated to every three months.

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life

Telling a friend you’re headed to the hospital is normal, not a random emergency, so you learn to reserve “I’m headed to the ER” for those events.

I hope that you can learn from me, and maybe you can glean some wisdom without having to actually walk this walk. Here are a few of my biggest life lessons that I’m grateful to have been taught, even when the lesson was suck-ass.

1. Life is short. No really, it’s short as hell.

2. We decide how we live our lives. We are not victims, not even of cancer.

3. We can do hard things.

4. Who you surround yourself with, matters. Choose wisely. No assholes.

5. People you think would be there for you, won’t.

6. People you never would think to lean on can become your rock.

7. If there’s something that should be said, say it.

8. Don’t worry about making mistakes. You’ll regret not trying.

9. Tomorrow is not promised, act wild today.

10. How you look does not matter. One day you may have DDD breasts and the next day, they’ll be amputated. Don’t worry about your looks.

11. Every iteration of our bodies is beautiful.

12. People can look healthy and be hella sick.

13. Making time for yourself should always be a top priority.

14. It’s okay to do what you want. No one cares.

15. People will judge tf out of you, no matter what you do.

16. People will blame your cancer on you. True story.

17. Veganism does not cure cancer.

18. A positive mindset makes everything easier.

19. You get to choose if you have a positive mindset or not.

20. Cancer is a great excuse to take breaks.

21. Cancer is not a great excuse to give up.

22. There is life on the other side of shitty things.

23. When the world feels like it’s ending, it’s not.

24. We are rarely the first person to go through something.

25. It’s important to lean on those that have journeyed before us.

26. We are not alone.

27. It’s okay to forget the trauma sometimes.

28. It’s okay to randomly be fully pained by the trauma again.

29. It’s okay to dream beyond the pain.

30. It’s okay to live life the way we want to.

What would you add to this list?

5 Rules for a Balanced + Badass Life