what does it mean to be alive


does it mean to see the sights that others sought
or to speak the speech that others spoke
to hear the things that others heard
or to breathe the same breath that others drew


Must I dream the dreams that others dreamt?
or think the thoughts or walk their paths?
i cant create the creations with the same intent 
i cant live the life that others lived


for what is life if left unlived?
what is life but a singular myth 
lived once and not thrice or 500 times. 
because no two lives will ever be lived 
and no two sights will ever be seen
no two speeches will ever be spoken
with the same toned tonals in their vocals
twice 


because Once is enough to live a life,

if that life is truly yours.

not the seasoning - the phrase. take it with a grain of salt. you’ve heard it your whole life. I have too. someone says something that lands a little too hard, and there’s always a voice

a parent, a friend, your own going: easy, easy, don’t take it so seriously. Salt it. Dilute it. Dont let it all the way in.

and i want to ask, for once, out loud

why?

why should i have to take so much of what i hear with a grain of salt? why cant i just be overly dramatic, wildly sensitive, fully moved? why must i hold the opinions of other people so lowly, when i think of those same people so highly?

because heres the part nobody says back to you when they hand you the salt.

if i trust you, that means something. it means id take your word for things. it means if you told me to run, id run before i asked why. so how do i trust you - really trust you - and in the same breath decide that whatever comes out of your mouth needs to be cut with doubt before im allowed to swallow it? you cant have both. either i trust you and your words land at full weight, or im salting everything you say, in which case lets stop calling it trust and call it what it is.

and it gets stranger when you find out where the salt came from.

the phrase is old, like really old. older than English. Cum grano salis. the roman writer Pliny wrote down a recipe for an antidote to poison and the instructions ended with:

take it with a grain of salt.

(people still argue about whether he meant the salt to make the antidote work, or just to make the vile thing go down.)

either way , sit with it. the original grain of salt was a precaution against poison.

so when someone tells you to take their words with a grain of salt, hear what theyre actually saying. theyre telling you to treat what they say as a thing that might harm you. something you need protection from.

do you really want to live like that? keeping an antidote on hand for the words of the people you love, just in case?

now.

im not stupid, and i dont want to be naive, so let me argue against myself for a second, because the other side isnt nothing.

people are wrong all the time. good people. people who love you. my closest friend is terribly slow (sometimes). people I admire are certain about things they half remember. i myself have said things with total conviction that turned out to be air. so the defender of the grain of salt has a real point: this isnt about distrust, it’s about humility. i can trust your heart completely and still know your memory is bad. trusting who you are is not the same as trusting that youre right.

and theres a mercy in it too. if you took every single thing at full weight, youd be unlivable. every offhand criticism would gut you. every bit of flattery would inflate you. youd be yanked around by every mood in every room. the grain of salt is ballast. its what keeps you from capsizing.

fair. genuinely fair.

if that were all the grain of salt was, id make my peace with it.

but thats not how we actually use it.

watch yourself for a week. notice when you reach for the salt.

when someone praises you “oh, they’re just being nice” salt.

when someone criticizes you, that one goes down whole, doesnt it.

No salt. you lie awake with it.

so the grain of salt isnt the even handed humility it pretends to be. we dont sprinkle it on everything equally. we use it to wave away what we don’t want to believe and swallow what we already feared. its not a scale. its a costume that doubt puts on so it can call itself wisdom.

and real discernment, the good thing the grain of salt is impersonating, is expensive. It means weighing each thing on its own.

this person. this claim. this moment.

the grain of salt is the opposite of that. its a blanket you throw over everything so you never have to do the weighing.

its salting your food before you’ve tasted it, youve decided its bland, or poisoned, before it’s touched your tongue.

and then theres the feeling. lets talk about the feeling.

somewhere along the way we decided that being fully moved by something is embarrassing. childish. that the grown up response is the muted one - the shrug, the its not that deep, the grain of salt. we call that maturity. but I wonder how much of it is just anesthesia. weve confused not-feeling-things with being wise.

what if being wildly sensitive isnt the flaw?

what if the capacity to take someones words at full weight -

to be reached, to be changed, even to be hurt -

is the whole point of having let them close in the first place?

the grain of salt protects you, ill give it that. but a life perfectly defended against being hurt is also perfectly defended against being reached. you sealed the door against the knife, and now nothing warm gets in either.

and heres the part that unsettles me most, none of this was ever your idea. nobody sat you down, made the case for the grain of salt, and let you decide. it was poured into you.

dont be so dramatic. dont take things to heart. toughen up.

you inherited it the way you inherited your accent

before you could consent to either.

its so deep in the water you grew up drinking that questioning it feels almost rude.

so question it.

im not telling you to believe everything anyone ever says to you. thats a different naivety, and im not interested in that one either. heres what i actually think, and i think it holds:

stop treating the grain of salt as free, and stop treating it as the default.

it isnt free

it costs you intimacy, conviction, the ability to be moved.

and it shouldnt be the setting you leave the whole world on. flip it. let full weight be the thing trust earns. let taking the salt out be the gift you give the few people whove shown you they deserve it and let the salt become the exception you have an actual reason for, not the reflex you grab to keep everyone at a safe, gray, manageable distance.

a grain of salt should be something you justify. not something you inherited.

so the next time someone hands you theirs, youre allowed to say:

Hold the salt. Id like to taste the thing.

“the mistake is writing while anticipating an audience.”

…is it though? why is it a mistake? let people clickbait. go on with your day. if you don’t like clickbait, avoid it. complaining about it is, weirdly, making you more annoying than the person you’re complaining about.

and this poses a paradox - because right now, i’m complaining about something someone is doing. i’m tired of seeing this. which makes me no better than them. but i haven’t heard anyone else say it out loud, so here we are.

—

hater mentality.

we’ve moved away from collective conformity around liking things, and pivoted straight into collective conformity around hating them. trends now revolve around what we’re disgusted by, not what we’re drawn to. and from a marketing standpoint, it tracks, hate provokes a deeper response than like. anger, envy, disgust. you can build a whole personality on those. you can’t build one on a polite nod.

but i’m tired of watching people hate something they were obsessed with two seconds ago, just because the algorithm has decided that the thing is now uncool.

—

labubus.

for two or three weeks, every cool girl had one. then overnight, they were embarrassing - proof you were tasteless, juvenile, late. and i get the critique on paper: why are grown adults paying lots of money for an overpriced toy to dangle off a bag. fair.

but no one talks about the in-between. for those two or three weeks, everyone wanted one. we remember the mockery and conveniently forget the desire. i think what happens is: someone trend-obsessed catches wind of the labubu, realizes they’re late, and rather than just sit out a trend, they pivot to critiquing it - because being above it feels better than being behind it. and the funny thing is, they stop critiquing it the moment they get one. or the moment the cycle resets.

i fell into hating them because other people decided hating them was the smarter look. but i actually like charms. i liked charms long before labubus existed.

—

mediocrity rejected by herd mentality

there’s a new urgency to love or hate something. neutrality is no longer an option. to be neutral is to be boring. and to be boring is to be socially invisible.

so we manufacture strong opinions on things we don’t actually care about, just to stay in the conversation.

and it’s ironic - the loudest “don’t let the media tell you what to think” voices are, themselves, telling you what to think. they forget they are also the media. and i forget that i’m also the media. every opinion shared is a small piece of programming for someone else.

the same girl who spent a year performing “clean girl” is now hating on the girls who showed up to it months later. she’s not done with the cycle. she’s just early to the next one.

—

propoganda.

I don’t think media can live without propaganda, or that any text doesn’t hold some. Even this one.

Especially this one.

I’m trying to convince you of something right now - that the hating-everything-everyone-loves cycle is exhausting, that herd mentality wearing a contrarian mask is still herd mentality, that we are all, somehow, the media we resent. that is a thesis. that is propaganda. & I am not exempt.

and maybe that’s the actual thing I’m tired of - not the haters, not the trend-chasers, not the ex clean girls turned clean girl critics.

I’m tired of the pretending.

The pretending that we arrived at our opinions alone. that we are immune to the algorithm while everyone around us is drowning in it. that our taste is principled and theirs is performed. that we hate the labubu, sincerely, from the bottom of our independent little hearts - and not because someone we follow rolled their eyes at it first.

the truth is messier. i liked charms. then I didn’t, because liking them got embarrassing. then I realized I was embarrassed because of strangers. then I got annoyed at the strangers. then I started writing about being annoyed at the strangers. and here we are - me, performing self-awareness, hoping you’ll think I’m one of the smart ones. which is, of course, just another costume in the same parade.

so I don’t know what the takeaway is. maybe just this:

opinions are cheaper than they feel. the certainty in our voice is almost always borrowed.

the thing you love today, you may be coached into mocking by friday, not by some shadowy media cabal, but by a person you trust who’s also being coached, by someone they trust, who is also being coached.

The least propagandistic thing I can do, probably, is admit I have no clean ground to stand on. I’m in the soup. You’re in the soup. The soup is the medium.

ill keep my charms, though. quietly. 4 me.

that part, at least, feels like mine.

while worlds of quiet wait within.

you ask for time - as if the ticking hand

could ever pause, could ever understand

it counts the seconds, not the ache,

the hour, but never what it weighs,

the minute, not the years we make

inside one long, unhurried gaze.

so let it tick. let it divide

the day in tidy, careful rows

what matters keeps another rhythm:

a depth that opens as it goes.

the clock was never taught to hold.

it only knows how to let go

to spend each moment, bright or cold,

and never ask us where they go.

but we are not its kind.

we stay. we gather. we refuse the stream.

we press a hand against the day and call the keeping of it - a dream.

so let the hour run as it must.

let minutes scatter, thin as light.

some part of us, beneath the dust,

is learning how to hold the night.

…

and still, against all sense, we reach, as if a moment could be held

the one who taught me excellence

who urged me to strive yet let me be free

free from the worlds horrors and my own deepest sorrows

on the days I felt lower than the soil of the earth,

you lifted my spirits to views far above the skyline

when I was consumed by anger and rage,

you were always there calming me with grace

for all the times I wronged you, I am sorry

for all the times you comforted me, thank you

for every memory we share, I am truly grateful

to my favorite person on this earth,

my favorite show partner and my food sharer,

to the woman who gave me birth,

who raised me and sacrificed everything for me

I love you, mama

am i not deserving of my tears?

am i ungrateful, and blind?

to the gifts of nature,

the love and privilege in my life.

are my sorrows unjust?

are they an insensitive cry,

because i can’t help but wonder

there are those who are more worthy of my tears than i.

are my thoughts naive,

do I simply not understand?

the great burden others have

the weight on their shoulders, but the freedom of my own hand

are my struggles valid,

if they are dreams for another soul?

is the crack in my porcelain cup a sin,

when some have no cup at all?

i mourn the thorns upon the rose

while others crave the bloom,

wondering if my quiet grief

is just clutter in the room.

…

but

perhaps to silence my own heart

is the true and final greed

for if I starve my hunger's cry

I cannot feel another's need

by burying my "lucky" grief

beneath a guilt so deep,

I kill the only part of me that has a soul to keep.

by shaming every "easy" tear

to prove that I am kind,

I build a prison out of peace and leave my soul behind.

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collections of moments, snapshots, a myriad of stories

a drawer full of paused laughter, birthdays frozen mid-song

every photograph is a small window into a room I will never belong

I will never step inside or see the life that has now passed

I will never see the soul of the people trapped behind the framed glass

can’t even start to fathom the lives of the people passing by me

or the footsteps left in the sand, in the mud, such trails of memory

My great-great-grandmother is a ghost made of ink and a name on a page,

A flickering thought of a woman I can’t quite define or engage.

I imagine her world in a grayscale tint, muted and thinned by the years,

But her life was as vibrant as mine, full of colors and laughter and tears.

Her voice must have echoed through kitchens the way that my own does today,

With a laugh loud enough that the walls kept the echoes from fading away.

Now she’s pressed between pages of plastic, a face that is flattened and still,

A fragment of time that was captured against some photographer’s will.

My mother unearths every photo like a relic or treasure she’s found,

Brushing the dust from the people who once walked on solid ground.

And I know that one day I’ll be framed in a film that I’ll never behold,

Just a story in someone else’s album, a life that’s been paused and grown cold.

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I want to make art

I want to be art

to me art is a way to express yourself,

your feelings

your desires

your imagination

a world we cant touch into using technology or sight alone, but by harnessing words, poetry, paint

helping others see a perspective

unattainable with words alone

ideas like tranquility, stress, emotions tangible and viewable

opening a whole section of language,

one spoken not by your tongue

but an exchange through the eyes and the art

a language spoken, without the artist being there to speak

understood by all.

art is a storytelling method you use when words fail you

but more than that

is the point of personal interpretaion

and I live by this

never ask an artist what their art means

because they will never tell you the answer;

they will always tell you what it means to them

but by doing so it ruins your interpretation

you erase the your meaning your brain made for the piece

you cross out the hundreds of possible back stories u curated

and re-evaluate your own elucidation,

thinking of it as less right

when really there is no wrong in art

art objectively can be defined as a diverse range of human activities

that involve the creation of visual auditory or performance artifacts

that express the artists imaginations, conceptual ideas or technical skill

art serves multiple purposes

challenges societal norms

documents history

& provides a platform for self expression

a feeling and state humans instinctively crave

to reflect the human experience

as artist Pablo Picasso once said

this highlights the subjective nature of art

and what resonates with one may not resonate with another

throughout history art has been a mirror to society, reflecting its values, struggles and aspirations

from cave paintings of our ancestors

to contemporary installations addressing climate change

art has always held a significant place in social discourse

with this understanding of art

I want to explore the linear progression of past present and future

the certainty of death and decay,

I want to explore transience and mortality,

I want to explore life,

more to it

because in the end art is a feeling

a feeling I long for

I without art am not human

and the world without art is just a rock

So

So

Tired

My battery

Completely

Utterly

Wholeheartedly

Drained

People, talk, socialise

SmallTalkWeather

How are you

“Im fine”

Really

Am I?

How am I ?

SmallTalkPeopleTalk

SmallTalkTrafficFood

Listen, socialize, work, focus

SmallTalkTrafficWeatherFood

What are you

doing this weekend

When is the weekend

Can I go home

More small talk

SmallTalk of SmallTalk

Complaint fake laughs

Smile held only when face to face

Dropped immediately when face is turned

More small talk

SmallTalk

Why small talk

Can we stop talking so small ? ? ?

the slate would’ve never been clean

a speck of dust would’ve been enough

to label it a blemished, tarnished machine

clear is just empty

perfect is desolate & bleak

no innonce is promised intently

no purpose is given to the weak

let the stitches catch the light

& let your pencil shrink

crumble up your paper

let it scorch of wrinkles and ink

The sudden shift from stark and blank,

To colors deep and heavy;

A wealth within your identity bank,

A soul no longer empty.

You are not a ruined paper,

Or a curtain torn in spite;

You are a textured masterpiece

Beyond the reach of white.

To mar the white you used to know;

the falter, the bash, the color takes its hint,

following, clinging, everywhere you go.

You cannot scrub the pigment out,

Nor bleach the canvas clean.

A choice becomes a permanent stain,

For everyone to see.

sharpening a chipped pencil,

never attains the same height

your once clean slate

now painted in a tarnished, off white

a curtain you cut, now sewn together

the stitches, they show, they stay forever

the scars of time will never fade

just alter, ripple adjustments made

a plaster is there

not to conceal

but to remind you that your scar

was once and always here

time and space will not reverse,

life moves in one direction;

so why does the compass that you hold

pull back your unanchored attention?

gave you something so valuable something so true

their heart their soul their essence their lives

an empty cave, a fathomless pit in which they’ll dive

would you dare to neglect it?

discard it?

would you dare to impede it?

ensnare it?

so recklessly amusing, imprudently abusing

irresponsiblely refusing and unjustly accusing

accusing someone.

accusing them of action

not theirs but your own.

an undeserved sanction

lived by someone who didn’t know

the faults you painted

the mistakes you made

written on someone else face

not with their handwriting

but at your own pace

i wouldn’t dare

atleast i hope i wouldnt

it’s kind of a paradox it’s funny,

that the faults i point in others are really faults within me

but i do hope i carry somewhat a truth:

that the trust that someone entrusts

should stay entrusted, loyalty with proof

a world saturated with so much disloyalty

someone kind, someone trusting, treated like upstate hidden royalty

like a gem u wouldn’t find sitting waiting for you in a mundane cave

1 in a million! wow! what a suprise! such a shock wave!

to have some decency in this world

why isn’t that the least we expect

well maybe i don’t

i misjudge someone, a judgement left unchecked

i assume the person to be judging me

a prejudice placed on them meant flea

when really im the one judging, the unjust plea

the fault I place in them, an inequitable fee

Why isn’t decency the least we expect?

Perhaps it’s my judgment left unchecked

I assume they are judging and wish to flee,

When really, the judge is living in me

painting my shadows where their light ought to be

the mirror I broke, and blamed them for the debris

tarnishing the crown of the one I won’t see

handing down a sentence for a crime lived by me.

the towering trees that stand upright and tall

while the leaves that flutter they dance and they fall

the birds that sing, they fly, they let out a call

mountains frosted, a hardened wall

the wind it blows, the silence its stalls

how dare you not see beauty in all ?

the tears they twinkle they sparkle they trance

the sob the sniff, the cry, the misty glance.

the laughter the cheer, the snort by a chance

do the feelings not fondle the heart in advance.

the smile, it stretches, it beams, it glows,

it starts widening a sound a wind that blows

ever so familiar ever so close

a sound that is fond and dear to most.

in light in dark you feel a gaze

a gaze of warmth, of comfort a well known maze

one you’ve been through, memorised the ways

not a single word, just a look and a daze

beauty doesn’t belong, its not something you can buy or withdrawal

beauty is abundant, whole, beauty is always entwined in all.

there’s a special place in my heart for the people I let go. I reminisce about a time where we laugh, tease and share company. you were a good friend. but I had to let you go

a quote that stings because it speaks truth is that “you can understand where someone is coming from and still not accept how they treat you”

you might understand someone’s actions, feel empathy and try to legitimise or to vindicate, tho that doesn’t give them the right to do it to you.

a really wise friend told me “you can feel sorry for someone, you don’t have to be their friend”

empathy explains behavior, but it doesn't excuse it

its a truth I knew, but never realised the implications, it was liberating to hear that from someone, to be allowed to hold compassion without being a doormat.

I had a conversation with this friend, and was contemplating whether I should reignite an old friendship on the doubtful volatile premise that she might’ve changed

I always held out this belief that she would change, it was a hope I had mistaken for a fact. in that mistake I realise my prejudice and judgement. how unfair it is to her. by holding onto the “truth” that she had changed. I was holding her hostage to my own expectations.

I was looking at her who I wanted her to be, rather than who she is. blended my delusion with reality.

its a subtle kind of unfairness, to love a version of someone that only exists in your head, and feel let down when they fail to uphold those standards, and simply act like themselves.

there’s a special place for people like her in my heart, because I deeply desired for that hope to be true, and I convinced myself it was true, treating it as a proven reality rather than just a wish.

and while I wouldn’t know if they changed or not, I hope the best for them.

the fond laughter filled memories and the comfort they provided. but I wouldn’t let them in again .

so thank you for the smiles, the cheers, and the souvenirs of our friendship, thank you for changing me, teaching me in ways you didn’t mean to, thank you for being the page or the chapter of my book that I’d never erase, i’ve just moved on to the next.

thank you for the friendship that was.

that rolls the park

the same ball that

leaves a mark

i try so hard to succeed

but in every effort i bleed

i bleed of failure and flaws

scratches, patched up claws.

is the bird that flys

fierce in its eyes

not in debt of victory

no? an idiotic trick filled with tomfoolery!

how dare the one who tries too hard

ask forgiveness for limbs worn out and charred

rotting away with reaps of effort

did this not matter? a pointless endeavour

over exerting overeager, over doing it.

under stated. under achieved. under validated.

the hours, the labor, the number of days

will never equate to the abundant praise,

that others get from their limited efforts.

while i dig relentlessly for empty treasures

the life they live, the absence of pain

the leisure the comfort, their gilded ways.

the time i spend, the breath i take

does it not matter? am i not deserving of a break?

is it not the ball

the rolls uphill

better than the ball

that rolls not by their force

but by gravity’s will

the push and exertion should lead to an applause

but rather the clap is directed to someone who didn’t try at all.

but why do we crave such subjective validation

This longing, hunger, such pathetic determination

The lust for an applause a standing ovation,

We deem these as our souls cure, our hearts salvation

The person applauding will not be found

Because your eyes seem to prance and dance around

The person cheering, your ears won’t hear

But you can see them, hear them so clear

because you’ll find this person not with ears or eyes

by shutting them and looking where your truth resides

the seed u seek is already grown

not in someone else’s garden but your own

so stop pouring water in someone else’s garden

expecting a thank you, a please or a pardon

how does tending to others fields

ever help yours grow or succeeds,

its futile to look into others

for truths that are hidden under your covers.

so let the ball roll, not for the park or the hill,

but for the strength in the push and the peace when it’s still.

for the ball that you move

through the sweat and the dark,

on the soil of your garden

is where it leaves its true mark.

please

your going too fast,

your writing and reading and painting and screaming and crying and laughing and thinking and pausing and speaking and listening and shouting and whispering

slow down

take a breath

and simplfy

you don’t have to be everything

that doesn’t mean your nothing

doing everything

trying to, with all your might

won’t succeed cause everything you do

is full of angst and rush and is airtight

on a schedule, a calendar an illusion of “productive”

you’re tired, dull. your energy used, destructive

notion, Pinterest, full of images you said you’d be

“im doing great’ gaslight. deceive.

your life isn’t dull because there’s not enough in it

your life is dull because you’ve oversaturated it.

sit with it. admit it. tell yourself truths . and actually commit

commit to being you

don’t take more than u can chew

you lose yourself. pieces.

a puzzle lost with no meaning

no direction just a compass with no head, no north no south

just endless bearings, a running mouth

“I will do this” “lets do that”

empty promises, empty words, less value more chitchat

burning holes through trust, not only of others

but also your dignity.

for I pity me.

can’t you tell? can’t you see?

listen to me

your losing yourself the more you act like who you deem to be.

don’t expect to be

just live free.

you’ll earn back your dignity,

your proximity,

to the goals you thought were in synonymity

to be all, great, everything

so slow down,

don’t let the oxygen you breathe

be where you drown

it was always pitiful if you liked pink in elementary. you were seen as a stuck up or too girly. its ironic how time and age change our perception of femininity.

we used to hate it, well I know I did. I didn’t want to be girly, not a single drop of pink in my line of sight.

I never really knew why, but maturing is realising that hating pink was never about the colour, it was more of the expectation to like pink because I was a girl.

I hated the idea that other people get to decide my choices based on the premise of gender.

And what I found more strange was that boys were never expected to like blue, just to not like pink.

but where did this assumption even come from?

I went into a rabbit hole of searches trying to pinpoint a significant moment in history that caused the pink-blue dichotomy, but the surprising thing was that there were no particular colour associations for girls and boys at the turn of the 20th century.

there was no agreement among manufacturers about which colours were feminine or masculine, or whether there were any such colours at all.

but it happened.

its even more confounding when you look at the scientific data that studies of colour preferences of infants and toddlers found a preference for primary colours, with no differences between boys and girls. by the age of two, girls started to prefer pink, and by four, boys started to reject it. this is around the same time as infants start to become aware of gender.

they conformed with societies gender coded choice, and i’m not deeming that to be wrong, just curious. where did this come from?

if people would associate pink to girls because they are conforming with the majority, how did the majority even come to that conclusion anyways? if this all is a domino effect of conformity who pushed the first piece to fall.

i didn't resent the colour pink itself . i just didn't like society telling me what to do just because I am a woman, I want to take those decisions by myself. and its ironic, because now I love pink, it everywhere my phone case, my Home Screen, even my substack.

but the underlying motif was the longing for that feeling of choice. freedom.

I chose pink because I like it, not because im a girl. those two identities can live independently, I like pink not because im trying to be feminine, I just like the colour. I can be feminine, a girl, and like the colour pink but those are not cause and effect relationships.

so pink(ish) is my fav colour, I don’t want to drown in pink, but like pink accents, shoes, accessories. but I don’t like saying I have a fav colour, no colour alone is as appealing as a perfectly curated group of them. and im hesitant to pick a colour and stick with it. to identify with one thing because that doesn’t truly define what I like, as a whole.

saying my fav colour is pink is like rejecting all the other colours. and really I love them all, as an artist, as a girl, as a human, we are much more complex than to cube ourselves into one colour.

really I have a lot of fav colours, my fav colour is clouds, rhode lip balm, the beach, glass, polka dots, figs, pomegranate, palm trees, cheetahs, jaguars, thick foamy matcha, ice, fog, blueberries, sequences, fluffy rag doll cats, ballerina shoes, salmon nigiri and I could go on for days.

I don’t like the premise of a fav colour, cause colours aren’t meant to be solidarity, monochrome they’re supposed to be communal cohesive collective.

a condensed quote from a movie I enjoyed, and its parallel to colours, when I see a piece, or a colour I like in a picture, its always “I like —- colour, I think its my fav” and not “the colours around this colour make it pop, maybe that’s why I like it”.

I think we’ve all (especially artists) experienced it. we like a colour so much when we see it in an image or elsewhere, but when we take it out of its context, individualise it, strip it from its neighbours it doesn’t hit the same.

that roots back to colour theory (a topic for another day), and that art really isn’t the sum of its parts, we can’t say: well because of the simple premises of me liking this, that, and this when I combine them I will obviously like it.

news flash

there is no certainty of that outcome, like+like+like doesn’t always equal like?

and I like to think that love and art are the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you, so when I love colours, I don’t love one because that would never fully encapsulate the reflection of me. I love groups of colours.

so in the end , I guess I don’t have a fav colour, just grouping preferences.

we live life in colours not monochromatic

multi chromatic.

we spend so much time packaging your identity our sense of self into a perfectly sealed, polished product when really finding yourself was never a journey with a destination. you don’t reach a point where everything suddenly falls into place. its really more like a river, never stops, shifting, expanding, speeding up, slowing down. on this river you never see the same view twice, you might see a similar view, maybe with more depth or insight. but never the same lesson taught twice.

why go against the grain, trying to curate an “identity” that was never ours, where skin that isn’t ours, putting place value to things we never thought twice to even value.

you don’t need to stop to find yourself, your parts are not all sardines in the same can. your “self” isn’t dimensionless,

your “self” isn’t just complex it is the epitome of complexity

you might not even notice it but you are constantly learning about yourself. your sculpting and unformed idea that will never eventually fully form. the final point isn’t a finished sculpture. there isn’t even a final point at all. this mould we are trying to figure out, is always wet, it will never dry and solidify.

because identity is a fluid.

never meant to be held or seen from all angles. and never meant to stay in one place

there is no final version of you, just infinite chapters waiting to be opened,

again I finish this article as the ones before

I say none of this as a person on the other side, or someone who’s got this figured out

this article is the advice, the words, the analogies im needing to hear.

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Let them judge you, let them misunderstand you, let them find “better”, let them gossip about you, let them lose you

just let them

what do you have to lose if you just let them? some people can’t help but keep all as a grudge, or must get revenge, they’ll try to explain themselves in every possible way, try to show themselves in every possible domain, to what? prove themselves? why? to grab a fleeting sense of validation, or presumptuousness? just let them misunderstand you. you don’t owe anyone an explanation. you’re not made to be understood or to be seen by the masses.

if someone you know wronged you, why waste your energy on a lost cause? They’re already convinced enough in the first place to be wronging you. What will your unnecessary over-explanation help with? what do you benefit from misplaced energy and an argument that was already resolved before even starting it

literally beating a dead horse.

if your still confused-

• Beating a dead horse: Continuing to argue a point that is already settled or decided, even though it’s futile.

its already settled, the horse. is already. dead.

and just let it be dead?

there is nothing more you can do, and the more you think that you can the more energy you lose.

Energy the could’ve gone towards your affection towards the people you love. Could’ve gone towards your career, could’ve gone towards that one hobby you wanted to start, or that article on Substack you wanted to start to write.

stop beating the dead horse and start tending towards something you can control. something that brings you peace not more erosion.

if someone is talking about you. let them. if someone is wronging you. let them. if someone misunderstood your actions. let them . if someone misunderstood you. let them. if someone offended you. let them. if someone wants to judge you. let them

if someone is going out their way to get a reaction out of you, why give them what they want

just let them

don’t give them what they want, and even if they don’t want it, don’t do something that will stray you away from your self-peace.

at the end of the day emotional maturity is letting people be wrong about you.

Let them be wrong.

Let them project.

Let them guess.

Let them assume.

Let them misunderstand.

this maturity often comes with the realisation that we ourselves had done the same with someone later regretting the same. we learn empathy when we are conscious of our own doings.

every night you go to sleep on a bed with a pillow with nothing and no one but you and yourself. only you truly know your intentions. only you have the keys to your unwillingly guarded heart. so if you really really need to prove something to someone, prove to yourself that you can be content with only yourself knowing, that that inner peace is more than enough. and so just let them, and also let them GO. they should have no place in your life if they are going to misjudge you that quickly.

so live by the hashtag

#justletthem

this is such a beautiful verse, it sounds so blissful and compelling.

before, this verse used to solely serve me as a delight to my ears, and it always so simple to understand, until I joined a course that opened my eyes, my heart to the use cases, the depths of this beautiful verse.

usually, at the end of the year I like to do what pop culture likes to call a “yearly audit” where I sit and reflect on my year, when it came to my دين I would find myself lost in terms of a criteria or a systematic way of reflecting on what I did and where I should improve. I remember constantly praying that الله would ease the way, help me find an outlook. and سبحان الله in js a weeks time my mom asked me if I wanted to join a 3 day course to better ourselves as muslim women led by very knowledgable female scholar.

I remember seeing 10/10 and wondering what does this mean? what are we assessing? why ten? that’s when they opened اية ٣٥ في سورة الاحزاب

the revealing of this اية at the time of the prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم was a significant moment for the muslim women, because it was a response to a inquiry from a women who’d asked why women aren’t mentioned in the Quran as a separate entity?

(if someone is unaware, the reason Arabic defaults to the masculine form for mixed-gender groups is a matter of grammatical convention, so in the Quran when addressing everyone it is in the masculine tone)

I think its quite beautiful that instead of the prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم answering her with “that’s just the grammar” or “why do you think that” he waited and الله replied with a اية that further emphasises the complete equality between men and women in matter of عبادة (worship). Equality in obligation, reward and forgiveness.

Reassurance.

this اية is also special in another way. it simplifies and illustrates the qualities that encompass the comprehensive aspects of Islamic law. Attributes that we should all aspire to have. and here is where the criteria and grading begins.

this exercise is one you want to be 100% honest with yourselves, your answers are between you and Allah. (make sure your doing this somewhere private)

1. get a piece of paper

2. in the corner try to simply assess your relationship with all out of 100% (we will return to it later, and don’t try to explain yourself js yet, js write a number down)

3. fold that corner so you don’t see the number

4. next your going to write the ten attributes (listed below) leaving space on each, to write a short summary/notes

5. next to each title put __/10 where you will assess/rank in every domain

before we start I’d like to emphasises,

This is not a measure of worth, but a compass for growth

if you score low, that doesn’t reflect failure, when in fact the very act of coming to terms and being truthful about it is already a huge step of growth. your headed in the right direction

(research these yourselves for better results, because I’ve simplfied a lot)

الاسلام (islam)

the main pillars of your دين, as recited in kindergarten

الشهادتان (شهادة أن لا إله إلا الله وأن محمداً رسول الله)، وإقام الصلاة، وإيتاء الزكاة، وصوم رمضان، وحج البيت

the two testimonies of faith, establishing prayer, giving zakat, fasting Ramadan, and performing Hajj.

الاسلام (islam) comes from the root word سلم which means to submit to الله with everything. the essence of islam is to fully submit yourself to Allah.

To assess yourself in this area, consider each pillar 2 points and rank based of that e.g. I pray on time and all my sunnahs would be a 2/2, then add them up to get out of 10.

الايمان (iman)

Also has pillars of ايمان

الإيمان بالله، وملائكته، وكتبه، ورسله، واليوم الآخر، والقدر خيره وشره

Belief in God, His angels, His books, His messengers, the Last Day, and predestination, both good and bad.

to fully 100% have no doubt in all of these is a sign of high iman

the simplest way to explain ايمان : is the firm belief in the heart, the affirmation by the tongue, and the action by the limbs.

Again here assess yourself based on your honest beliefs of each entity out of two points (consider books and messenger one entity) and sum them to get out of 10

القنوت (devoutness)

it acc really hard to find a direct one word translation for majority of these words because they don’t truly hold/encompass all this word tries to describe.

to be a قانتة (a devout) is to elongate your acts of worship, prayers, duaas, good deeds. to be committed & consistent. to want to learn not for the sake of learning but application too. the continuity + consistency in acts of obedience, the continuity + consistency of forbidding ones self from their worldly desires, and the continuity + consistency of repentance + asking for forgiveness.

honestly rate yourself out of 10 in this area.

الصدق (honesty)

such a simple and well known characteristics but often overlooked.

pure truthfulness is the conformity of speech to reality and conscience, and complete sincerity.

It is (obviously) the complete opposite of lying.

to be honest is to have truthful intents and actions (including speech) with the Creator, creation, and oneself.

it is achieved through sincere worship of God, fulfilling promises, and avoiding hypocrisy and distortion

it is considered a fundamental virtue.

it is often overlooked because of the mass normalisation of subtle dishonesty, I will list some here with alternatives to remind myself and everyone who shall read this:

• Speaking everything one hears

relapsing information you heard from a source without checking if the source is reliable is a form of falsehood and it will lead inevitably to the spreading of lies if the original source is untrue

• Insincere compliments or social white lies

something I have to caution myself doing is telling "white lies" to be polite or avoid hurting someone's feelings (e.g., falsely praising bad food or an unflattering outfit) this is a form of falsehood, instead ( if necessary to achieve a noble objective like warming hearts or avoiding offense) use "misleading impressions" or vague, true statements like - for example - instead of false praise for bad food simply thank the person for the food, no more no less. There’s a difference between saying “this food is delicious” and “thank you for the food” both warm the heart, but one falls into dishonesty, and one falls into manners.

• Exaggeration in normal conversation

I think someone put this so well, when you add “spice” to a story, add information that never really happened, exaggerate events that could lead to misinterpreting facts (e.g., claiming to have somewhere many times when only going there once) is considered dishonest

instead, think before you speak and ask “is lying here worth disobeying Allah?”

• Making a promise with no intention to keep it

self explanatory. dishonesty and hypocrisy

instead don’t promise if you don’t plan on keeping it

• False excuses in school/workplace

faking an illness, fabricating an emergency or simply not saying the truthful excuse is a form of lying

instead either remain silent, say the truthful reason or even simply not excusing yourself in the first place if you have no real excuse.

There are more and I encourage you to look them up and reflect upon your actions.

Now honestly out of 10 rank yourself

الصبر (patience)

usually people assume patience is التحمل (resistance/ to put up with), how much can you bear? when really, real patience صبر is only prevalent after the breaking point, the limit. التصرف ما بعد التحمل. what happens to you after your limit, how well can one restrain oneself and refrain from despair, discontent, and complaint in times of calamity and hardship (after their breaking point). how well can one restrain oneself to continue to obey الله and avoid disobeying Him, and continue bearing painful fates.

it is only after real hardship do you find صبر

rank your self out of ten.

الخشوع (Humility)

to surrender yourself fully to Allah. every time you worship him in every place every action you do it whole heartedly, truthful intent, and you act as if Allah was there infront of you, watching you. You surrender out of humility. with this you get طمأنينة و سكينة peace and sakeenah. you feel راحة (comfort and relief).

The tranquility of humility

again rate yourself out of ten

الصدقة (charity)

another simple yet also sometimes overlooked

some assume that all charity encompasses is giving money to those in need. when acc they are a lot of different types of charity. however it is important to prepare/ready yourself for the act of charity. You must have 2 things:

1. pure intentions

2. the will & eagerness to act on it

charities include:

• Donating money, clothing, food, or providing your labor to help others

• A kind word or a smile

• Helping the elderly

• Removing obstacles/trash from the path

• Teaching someone something beneficial

• Building a well for clean water.

• Planting trees.

• Contributing to a mosque, school, or hospital.

• Visiting the sick

• Feeding the hungry (humans + animals)

• Giving directions

• etc (research)

again rank yourself in this attribute

الصيام (fasting)

is to refrain from three main things:

1. الشهوة worldly craving and desires

2. الاكل و الشرب food and drink

3. الكلام السيئ inappropriate + disgraceful words

assess yourself by asking, how often do I fast the sunnahs (Mondays and Thursdays), and how was my fasting last ramadan? rank out of 10.

الحفظ (to guard/ protect/ cover)

Those who guard their chastity, both men and women: from adultery and its preliminaries.

It is to be modest with your physical attire but also to act modestly, to lower our voices, to not beautify (deliberate temptation, not natural pleasant speech) our voices, for both genders to lower their gazes, that is how you become a حافظة

Modesty is about intention, context, and manner

rank yourself out of 10

الذكر (remembrance)

to always be in remembrance of الله، and don’t be of those mentioned in the Aya

“And do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who has followed his desire and whose affair has become excessive.”

الذكر constitutes of many things including:

• duaa

• prayers

• morning athkar and evening athkar

• repetitive remembrance

• repentance + seeking forgivness

• etc

to remember Allah in conversation, when you enter a place, there are so many opportunities to remember Allah.

based on how many opportunities you have vs how many your remember Allah in rate yourself out of 10 for this domain.

Obviously we haven’t covered everything in every attribute but you should have an overall simple understanding of not only the attributes but how to assess yourself within them.

now with the __/10s from each of the 10 different attributes sum them together, and that’s your final overall percentage, now unfold the corner of the paper we folded in the beginning and compare.

You have officially audited and reflected on who you are right now, you have a point of refrence you can compare with next time you analyse yourself again, you also have the 10 fundamental attributes and how they rank, order from lowest to highest, and start setting a game plan on how will you improve in lowest ranked area. keep checking on yourself.

before I end this guide (that I will be referring back to), I encourage all to research these 10 simple (but overlooked) attributes and comment something i haven’t mentioned (or keep it to yourself, as you please).

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and don’t forget as we are approaching ramadan (اللهم بلغنا رمضان وأنت راضٍ عنا، O Allah, let us reach Ramadan while You are pleased with us) to better ourselves and continue to reflect and improve.

I hope this guide helps you as it helped me, and finally the most important thing of all is pure intentions, الله looks at sincerity before numbers.

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O Allah, guide us among those You have guided, grant us well-being among those You have granted well-being, befriend us among those You have befriended, bless us in what You have given us, and avert from us the evil of what You have decreed. Indeed, You decree and none can decree against You. Indeed, none is humiliated whom You befriend, and none is honored whom You oppose. Blessed are You, our Lord, and Exalted are You.

O Allah, we ask You for guidance and success, and that You make us among those who listen to the word and follow the best of it. O Allah, rectify our affairs and the affairs of the Muslims, and make us among those who respond to Your call, and grant us a good end, and make us among Your righteous servants. Amen, O Lord of the Worlds.

Glory be to You, O Allah, and all praise is due to You. I bear witness that there is no god but You. I seek Your forgiveness and repent to You.