A Memory of Good Days

White haired elder man with white beard

sits outside under the Porch,

In a September summer sun, with short sleeves

and his favorite baseball hat

with a basketball logo on it.

Playing solitaire.

But not alone.

He is remembering his friend Dutch

Who played cards with him weekly for 50 some years

Until Dutch did not show anymore.

He still laughs at Dutch’s jokes

As he recalls those days.

He is not alone.

He never was.

Morning Meditation before the school bus comes

Raindrop on a flower petal

Sun reflecting off the water

Flower blooming much longer this cycle

Bees and birds collect prizes daily from the bounty

Young child smiling watching them.

First comes love.

Love, and only love, comes first in the successful parenting of a child. By successful, I mean that we, as parents, succeed in accomplishing the goals we set out to achieve in growing healthy and strong children while maintaining a lifelong, close, loving relationship between us and our children.

If you want to enhance cooperation and learning and protect the bond and lifelong closeness between you and your child, then first comes love. Love can build a bridge across a lifetime between a parent and child. The bridge can collapse if there is damage done to the parent/child bond. It can be very difficult to rebuild. The choice is really yours. I do believe it is a choice. Choose wisely. You may not get a second chance on this one.

Some of the long-range effects of letting love come first in your relationship with your child are listed below.

1. Confident children. Children feel secure if their basic needs are met and if they know they are well loved by their parents. When the parent/child bond is strong, a child is strong emotionally. An emotionally strong child feels secure, and with this sense of security comes confidence, confidence when facing challenges, confidence to make mistakes and learn. When childhood ends, if the love and bonding needs of a child have been met, an adult child goes out confidently into the world. He is not looking to finally get the love in life his parents did not provide or were not available to provide. His relationship hunt is focused on something much different then. He is confident, filled up, assured of being lovable and worthwhile. His self-esteem is high from being nurtured by his parents, and he is focused on accomplishing adult developmental stages instead of constantly trying to redo incomplete childhood development stages. Children raised with a First Comes Love Approach make for loving, close parents.

2. Relationship success. The confident child, now an adult, walks around with high self-esteem. She enters into relationships with light baggage from the past. Her expectations are high in terms of what to expect from significant others in relationships. Because her parents modeled a good example of healthy relationships, the adult child has greater confidence and high standards for a close relationship and therefore greater relationship success. The confident child believes that she is responsible for her own happiness. If she is responsible for her own happiness, then she does not look for happiness from a significant other. She looks for enhancement, companionship and an addition to her life rather than a life from a relationship.

3. High self-esteem. Because the child received unconditional love from his parents—his parents separated the deed from the doer (Chapter 2) when addressing mistakes and problems—his self-esteem remains high. A solid bond to his parents makes him confident, capable of building close, loving relationships in the world. In fact, he probably has practiced this in relationships already and has achieved some success and learned from his mistakes. Therefore, he goes out into the world filled up from life with his parents. Instead of looking to meet unmet needs, he can enhance the healthy life he has now.

It is important to remember that self esteem can be like a thermometer. It can go up and down based on life experiences. Starting out in life with a positive strong self-esteem from the influence of his childhood launches a child into the world with a solid base to build on.

4. Respectful and cooperative children. It is my experience that when children are raised by parents who understand that first comes love, it increases their desire to cooperate and please their parents. It is up to the parents to effectively tap into this well of confidence and security. Once you have established the love connection, the strong bond, and avoided doing damage to the bond, the next step is to take advantage of what you have established with your children. Some parents are good at tapping into this and some are not. If you are not sure how to do this, then I recommend you get some help.

5. Lifelong, close parent/child relationship. Once your children are launched into the world strengthened by a loving upbringing, they will transition into a new stage in their relationship with you. They need you also to transition into a new phase of development in your relationship with them and not resist the change/growth. If you have not done damage to the love bond through your parenting style, then you can expect as parents to become more of a mentor/consultant to your child as they get older and older. Parents still have stored inside, easily accessible, the caregiver role (if a child has an accident, an extended illness, financial problems, etc.), but your task at this point is to transition into a mentor/consultant role.

If you have done the work and kept the bond of love strong, then expect a close parent/child relationship. This may include regular checking in and phone calls for advice, periodic life reports, and enjoyable visits in which you get to experience the maturing product of your love investment. The feeling of a relationship based on closeness is significantly different from the relationship based on obligation. Woven through this new adult child/parent relationship is a mutuality and cooperative interrelating. Sharing rides, going to the ball game, giving information, going to the library, borrowing sugar, regular visiting, going for walks, babysitting, house-sitting, shared trips, etc, are all a part of a wonderful quilt-like relationship that you are both making together. The parents can reap the harvest of the relationship seeds they sowed with their child from early on.

In addition, at the end stages of an elder parent’s life (see Figure 3); the child starts to provide caregiving to the adult parent. If the relationship is close, it is more likely that the quality and amount of time a child spends with an elderly parent will be significant. It is a natural stage that develops if the love between a parent and a child is not damaged but nurtured. It is my belief that this reduces the early entries into assisted living and nursing homes for elder parents. I believe that it will positively affect the health of the elder parent.

6. Close relationships with your grandchildren. When your relationships with your children are intact, you can expect to have greater access to a quality relationship with your grandchildren. Just getting along better with your adult children and their significant others will allow for more contact and quality time with your grandchildren. When they have them, of course. Parents will be less worried about “protecting” their children from the grandparents, if they are confident in their parent’s love.

7. Pride as parents. It is great to be proud of your children from a distance as you hear about their successes or hear about their strengths as human beings. It is far more wonderful to witness their life up close because your children, as adults, desire to be around you. Don’t confuse this with dependency and unmet needs on the part of your children. Dependency involves your children being driven to being close out of a sense of fear and lack of confidence. Independence involves your children being close because they like you and appreciate you and like having you in their life and their children’s life. You have input into which type of relationship with your adult children from the parenting style you chose when they were young.

8. Parental love makes for secure children. Every day your child will march out that door to play or go to school or to participate in the world feeling secure and confident. If you used the First Comes Love Philosophy, they will be filled up with parental love, the magic elixir. It is a potion so powerful that a child’s desire for it rivals Ponce de Leon’s desire for the fountain of youth. Drinking such nectar makes a young person feel secure, confident, and full of love. If love is available in their parents’ home, then children need not spend a lifetime searching elsewhere. If the parental love elixir was not available when they were growing up, then children will continue the search for it as adults.

9. Children’s love makes a parent warm. It is not the goal of parenting, nor is it the goal of this book, but it happens that the love of a child makes a parent feel warm, loved and connected to their children. When children are filled with love from their parents and the environment they grow up in, they share that love right back to the parents, freely. Children’s love warms parents, and it adds fuel to the parents’ love tank. It will not, and should not, be the largest source of love for a parent, but it is a source. It reminds me of the song by Malvina Reynolds, Magic Penny. Malvina sings, “Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more.”

10. Allows for a natural developmental transition from parents giving care to their young children to adult children giving care to their elderly parents. The final natural developmental stage of a parent/child relationship involves adult children providing care for their elder parents. It is the completed circle of life development for the parent/child relationship. The role of parent(s) transitions from the parent being the child’s primary caregiver to the child being the parent’s primary caregiver at the end stage of life.

We have almost lost track of the practice of adult children caregiving their adult parents. This natural developmental stage of the parent/child relationship is slowly diminishing and at risk of disappearing. It appears to be more prevalent in other countries/cultures than in the United States. In my opinion and experience, the main reason that this final natural developmental stage of the parent/child relationship has been disappearing in the United States is that the relationships are neglected or have been damaged by poor parenting practices. These poor parenting practices damage the parent/child relationship to the point where the child creates distance as they get older. The final natural developmental stage of the parent/child relationship is therefore only partially completed if at all. The final natural developmental stage of parent/child relationship would include the beloved elder parents living with and cared for by an adult child.

By adopting the First Comes Love Philosophy of parenting I believe that the custom of closely caregiving elder parents will start growing again in the United States. It is a natural phenomenon that has been blocked, like a river that has been dammed up. It is time to open the floodgates. In the past decade, the dammed waters in the Grand Canyon were allowed to flow freely for a period every year. This has caused new deposits of minerals, nutrients, and plant life. As a result, the Grand Canyon is being revitalized.

I believe that allowing a First Comes Love Approach into a family’s culture and parenting plan will bring life back to the close, loving bond between a parent and child. As a result, the last developmental stage of a parent/child relationship will experience a revival.

Now, I don’t mean providing care to a parent out of obligation. There is far too much of that going on now. In listening to the distress of my clients, peers, and friends, it is clear that many of them struggle with what to do with their elderly parents. As a result of emotional distance, the decisions to place elderly parents in institutional care are more common. Many of the problems that adult children face with the end stages of care for their parents can be alleviated by becoming emotionally closer, by increasing proximity, by becoming involved in their parents’ lives. It also has become clear to me that the reason that adult children don’t do and don’t want to do this is that they are not close to their parents emotionally.

There is no surefire, money-back guarantee to ensure parent and adult child closeness in later life. Physical closeness between parents and children can be negatively impacted by career demands and lifestyle decisions. Parents who did some damage to the early parent/child relationship may have such loving children that their children remain lovingly close anyway. Nothing is certain. However, you increase the odds of having a lifelong, close parent/child relationship by practicing the First Comes Love Approach to parenting. In interviewing adult children and elderly parents about their early relationships, I have consistently found that a close, loving, early parent/child relationship is predictive of a lifelong, close relationship, as opposed to a parent/ child relationship based on obligation. (My wife’s mother, Marie, lived with us for 25 years until she passed away at 100 years old. It was the best decision in my life to have her live with us. Marie was smart enough to have a strong love connection with her daughter).

There are other factors that can affect the ease with which adult children and parents relate in later life, including pain and pain management, illness, difficulty adjusting to and allowing others to care for us as we age, letting go of control, to name a few.

A Lifelong Close Parent/Child Relationship

My 90⁺-year-old mother-in-law lived with my wife and me and had for over 25 years. Her husband died about 27 years ago. It has been a transition that has gone very well for all of us, I believe. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has become easy and natural and fun. None of this would be possible if it were not for the fact that my wife’s mother has a close, loving relationship with my wife. My mother-in-law is reaping the benefits of making sure that the bond of love between her and her children remained intact. In addition, my mother-in-law and her husband modeled this in their family. You see, they had their parents living with them at the end stages of their lives, and they made it work.

We all know too many friends whose elderly parents live nearby, but they do not get along with their parents and are not close. The relationship is based on obligation.

From my vantage point, it looks like a certain quality of life is lost for those parents who chose a parenting style that distanced them from their children.

Parent/child relationships are like plants. They are living organisms that need regular feeding and nurturing to stay alive. If we don’t provide care to the relationship, it will start to wither and die. There are things we can to do enhance the strength of our child’s bond of love with us.

The love that our children need to see and feel is part of a daily routine. Just like a plant, a parent/child relationship needs to be fed and watered every day. The great thing is that it does not require any money to accomplish this. It can be expressed in hugs, positive words, touch, snuggles, a note left to say “See you later, alligator” on their chalkboard, with phone calls, by playing with them, going for a walk, sitting and coloring, and crawling on the floor.

Kindness to one

Kindness to all.

Kindness to none

Humankind will fall.

For 25 years my wife’s mother lived with us. When my wife and I got married for the first time for both of us, we were older and her mom, my mother-in-law (MOL as I called her, Mother of Love) was 75 years old. At first, it was awkward for me and mom-in-law. We bought a house that had a split level upstairs and downstairs with the intention of MOL living downstairs and us up. MOL took several months to accept our offer to live in our home. She was living in her house she raised her family in with her husband, who had recently passed away. My wife and I were taking care of two homes for a while, mowing the lawn, cleaning, and the payments for both houses. MOL slowly felt comfortable living in our new home. From then on a great adventure ensued.

We visited Ireland together twice, MOL flew on a plane for the first time in her life. MOL had a weekly gathering of friends in which they played cards (penny anti) and ate together. We travelled around the area to Casino’s, historical sights, watched the yearly Josh Billings race in which her son participated in religiously and watched the local July 4^th parade either on the sidelines or at home live on tv. We gathered with my family, imagine events of 45 people, eating, singing, playing games and acting out Christmas themes. It only took a few years for a particular relative to realize that all the games were set up so that the young people won and got the prizes. MOL loved the family gatherings both with her side of the family, especially the elders building a geological chart, accompanied by food and hilarity, (after all on her side they were all Irish). Warm weather weekends often included tag and garage sales, as much for socializing as buying items of curiosity. We had many a visitor, many a tournament of UNO with the younger members of the family, Patriots and Celtics gameday gatherings, yard game events in which the elders became very competitive, and the laughter was not limited. Many of season of flowers and local Garden tours that brought out big hats, big surprises and big laughs. Yes, we attended plays, especially local Shakespear and Company plays, we attended music events, Saturday markets and warm weather drives around the Berkshires to enjoy the beauty and divergence. Cold weather would encourage the Christmas tree lights tours. The religious holidays would find us at Midnight Mass for Christmas, Easter vigils and May flower shows. MOL’s favorite tv show was the old “What’s my line?” from recordings of the 1950’s show we found on YouTube. It was amazing how many famous historical figures and stars from that time were on that show, and perhaps that is why MOL loved to watch it weekly. We discovered my MOL’s love of horses, and we viewed many episodes of Irish and Scottish horse races with shrub jumping, Cross Country trail challenges bull of jumps as well as competitive horse events. For 25 years hilarity ensued. After 20 years dear MOL needed some aids in our home to help my wife and I care for her, progressively more help was needed as we approached her 100-year birthday. MOL dubbed on provider “Shenanigans” because she couldn’t seem to remember her name. All who knew her fell in love with MOL, and after 25 years my heart was overflowing with love for her, never mind my wife’s big heart. The days after MOL we felt sad and were grieving as we still are some 5 years since. We never felt regret after living with her for the full 25 years and her never going to a nursing home.

Three years ago we agreed to bring support into our lives. We went to the Humane Society and started our search for 2 younger cats. It was taking a while, and we asked my cousin who was involved with them for some help. She quickly found one candidate, and we discovered the other at the same shelter. Frick and Frack are our emotional support animals, and we are human emotional support. It is a mutual thing. With help from YouTube tv we helped the two young male cats’ bond as brothers and they show their brotherly love, play and roughhousing daily. Just like when MOL was here with us (and we still believe she is) hilarity ensues daily with the shenanigans of the two darlings who entertain and comfort us daily and we them. They were never meant to replace my MOL, and they haven’t replaced her. We talk to MOL daily and remember and share stories of her often. No, our boys (the boys from Boise, Idaho, Boysenberry’s, Boyo’s as we call them) opened our hearts even further, even bigger just as MOL has done.

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Meaning and Origin of “Frick and Frack” our two cats

“Frick and Frack” is a slang term for two people who are inseparable, often seen together, and share a close bond — a play on the names of two famous Swiss ice skaters.

Origin in Popular Culture

The phrase comes from Werner Groebli (stage name Frick) and Hans Rudolf “Hansruedi” Mauch (stage name Frack), Swiss comedy ice skaters who performed together in the 1930s–1950s Wikipedia. They became household names through the long-running Ice Follies revue and appeared in films like Lady, Let’s Dance (1944). Their act was known for synchronized skating routines, eccentric stunts, and a close on-ice partnership that mirrored their off-ice friendship Wikipedia+1.

Groebli and Mauch combined their real names into a Swiss-German joke: Frick from a Swiss village, and Frack from the word for a frock coat Wikipedia. Over time, the names stuck as a shorthand for any inseparable pair.

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1. Introverted parent: There are extroverted personalities and introverted personalities. Neither one is better than the other. Extroverts are better at building a network of resources, whether among friends or relatives. Often, introverts are not strong in this area. They have friends, but usually they are fewer in number—sometimes only one. Introverts are accustomed to being by themselves more for a greater comfort level. This often changes for many introverts when they become parents. Introverted parents can and do override their solitary nature to gather resources for their children. Even some extroverts, even when they become parents, struggle with gathering resources for their children.

Parenting Tip

Janey, a single mom, works long hours and overtime at her waitress job. She came in to see me for parent coaching because she was overwhelmed and not quite sure what to do. Her children were seeking negative attention, acting out a lot at bedtime, in the morning and when she came home at night. It was clear that Janey’s two kids (Ella, 8, and Anna, 6) were starving for attention. The remedy clearly entailed finding more resources to meet her children’s needs. Compounding the problem of Janey’s lack of resources was the fact that Janey was shy and kept to herself. She wasn’t that way with her children, but she found it difficult to relate to other people. When we talked, Janey, although unsure, was willing to start building and collecting resources to solve the shortage of Mom’s love. We made a list of possible solutions.

1. Finding out who Anna and Ella’s friends were and arranging play dates.

2. Asking her cousins if her children could come over and play.

3. Exploring what coworkers do and sharing resources or learning from them.

4. Enrolling her kids in after-school activities.

5. Have grandma or grandpa come over in the morning for breakfast right after

school spend time with them or at bedtime to read stories.

Janey ended up utilizing all five of the possible choices listed. She became more assertive in asking, and she was rewarded with improved behavior by her children, a reduction in guilt and anxiety, which improved her sleep, and her children showed happiness (which made Mom happy).

2. Depression in a parent: Some parents struggle with excessive sadness, depression, or withdrawal. This condition tends to isolate them, and they act like introverts (see above). Parents can plan for this; in fact, I highly recommend they do so. It is crucial, even before parents’ sense that they may be getting depressed and starting to withdraw, that they have already made some arrangements. That way, they can “call in the cavalry” to pick up the slack in caregiving. Play dates, relatives, friends, and sitters can be on call to help when this condition worsens. It takes preplanning and thoughtfulness, but it is worth the effort so that the needs of the kids will be met. Of course, this plan can also include direct help for parents who are challenged with depression at times.

Depression, excessive sadness, or grief can also come from a divorce or death of a spouse. Both the parent and the children have needs during this time. It is important that both be attended to by the available resources. A parent’s grief must not prevent the needs of the children from being met during this time.

Choosing a parenting approach is important.

Different approaches bring different results.

To keep your love alive and do no damage, I recommend a parenting approach that does not punish but teaches, does not lecture but guides, and does not criticize or use put-downs and sarcasm.

I recommend an approach that avoids doing damage and enhances the strength of the bond of love between a parent and a child. Do No Harm to the most valuable, important, possession your family has, the connection of love between a parent and a child.

In my experience the vast and overwhelming majority of children’s acting-out behavior can be addressed by looking closely at them and their lives and noticing that they need and crave our love and attention.

Bloated bank accounts of bloated men that absorb any leak from the thin peoples of labor.

Thin men and women who are thin on housing resources,

Thin on food resources,

Thin on services from the government.

Bloated cars, bloated properties, bloated from drinking all the clean water.

We need to drain the swamps of indulgence,

Take back our tax dollars.

Imprison the criminals.

Lets see who gets bloated In prison.

“There is a hole in the bucket dear Lisa, dear Lisa

There is a hole in the bucket dear Lisa a hole.

Well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry-Fix it!”

The role of a parent is to provide for the basic needs of a child, to guide the child, to teach the child, and to be a mentor to the child as she or he goes through life for the very first time. Most importantly, it is the role of the parent to love their child and demonstrate that first comes love. It is a reasonable expectation that a parent-child relationship is for a lifetime. Effective communication centers on love. Without a bond of love and closeness between a parent and a child, no parenting plan or style will work as effectively, no matter how brilliant, creative, or right-on.

I promise to fulfill, to the best of my ability, this Parent’s oath:

I will respect the wisdom and skills of those honored parents in whose steps I walk and gladly share my knowledge with those who are to follow. I will supply, for the benefit of my children, food, shelter, clothing, knowledge, protection, love, guidance, and a nurturing environment while avoiding the traps of over-parenting and under-parenting. I will remember that there is art to parenting as well as science, and that first comes love, warmth, empathy, and understanding in a parent/child relationship and that they outweigh a parent’s anger or a chemist’s drug. I will not be ashamed to say, “I don’t know,” nor will I fail to call in my peers or seek help when the skills or knowledge of another is needed for my child’s care and recovery.

I will respect my children and expect respect from them in return. I will take care in matters of my child’s development and my child’s free will. Authority is given to me to grow and develop a life, but it may also be within my power to damage a life; this extraordinary responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own weaknesses and strengths.

I will remember that one of the goals of parenting is not to punish a child for a misbehavior, a dangerous act, or a mistake in judgment but to provide discipline, teaching, and role modeling to a growing human being whose relationship with me is affected by the consequences of my actions. The word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means student and implies a teacher/student relationship. I recognize that the goal of discipline is for children to self-discipline. In the best tradition of being a responsible parent, I will teach my children to be responsible.

I pledge with all my heart to do no harm to my children to the best of my ability. I pledge with all my heart to do no harm to the bond of love between my child and me. I will work to enhance our bond of love at every opportunity and eliminate any behaviors that destroy or harm it. I understand that the bond of love is the foundation of a cooperative, loving, respectful, and lifelong close relationship between a parent and a child. I will provide counsel to my children and teach them how important understanding emotional expression is to their healthy psychological well-being. In addition, I will be diligent to prevent childhood trauma whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

I also pledge to do no harm to myself and to avoid blame and feeling bad about myself as a parent, knowing that I always strive to do my best. If I fall short today, I have tomorrow to try again. I will remember that my children and I are members of society, with special obligations to all human beings. I pledge to raise responsible children who will grow to be responsible citizens. I pledge to be lovingly parental to all the children I encounter.

If I keep this oath, may I enjoy life, love, and closeness with my children, respected while I live and remembered with affection forever after. May I always act so as to role-model the finest skills and traditions of parenting, and may I long experience the joy of love and closeness from all those children who cross my path.

Enjoy the process of developing your own oath and commitment to your children, to your parenting. The most important part about the oath is that it is something you relate to commit to. Feel free to borrow mine.

The ceremony around the signing of the oath you can develop on your own (and I recommend you do), but I might suggest it be public and involve children, relatives, and friends. Make it important, and it will be important to you and your children! The ceremony publicly or privately can declares a parent’s commitment and may give the event a certain power and importance to those involved.

In parenting your child—a child, any child—I have found that love is the greatest influence. It is just that simple. For a child, his parent’s love is the sunshine that grows the plant; it is the air that keeps him alive; it is the water that quenches his thirst. For the child, there is nothing more important than a parent’s love. A child is like a young puppy in that way, excited and energetic to get attention from his caregiver.

A parent’s love is the most precious thing to a child. It is like the most valued gemstone or the winning lottery ticket. The great thing about this is that you already possess it just by being their parent. There is no toy you have to buy them; there is no permissive style of parenting you have to perform in order to get them to love you. They already do. You are it! Bask in the glory.

Earlier this year, Robert Lang’s origami koi were on view at California’s Descanso Gardens in an installation titled “Vertical Pond III: From the Ashes.”CBS News

At 65 years old, Robert Lang is recognized worldwide as a master of origami, responsible for more than 800 origami designs. the unthinkable became possible at the start of 2025, when the Eaton Fires hit Altadena, Calif. The home Lang shared with his wife, Diane, and the studio that paper built, were destroyed. So Robert Lang made art from the ash, paper and the remnants of a burned down studio. An authentic artist at work, still going strong after destruction. To me he is a “hero” of recovery and moving forward.

The “angry” wannabe king turns billions and billions of our tax dollars into ash and garbage. He takes fine artistic work and turns it into ash, mold, destruction and rubble. The famous Washington Reflection Pool, the historic Kennedy Center, the beautiful Rose Gardens and the White House itself is a joke of poor taste.

One makes art out of ash, paper and the remnants of a fire. One puts his money and time into creation.

The other takes art and turns it into ash and destruction. OI ne puts our money and our historic creations into destruction.

I choose to be like Robert Lang. I want our children to be like Robert Lang.

I want the “angry” wannabe king to face the consequences of abuse and robbery of our monies and go to jail.

I want us to rise from the ashes like Robert Lang.

Carry on. Have a good day.

When we have no expectations of children giving to others and we allow them to only focusing on their needs it is a lost opportunity. Being taken care of all the time, without any expectation of giving back to others, is a model of a dysfunctional relationship. Children need to learn how to give. It is not healthy for them to live a life always receiving. That is not how life works.

Some parents raise children who never have to do a chore or lift a finger to help in any way in the family. The parents see that as their job; however, they mention at each therapy session how lazy and irresponsible their children are. The hope is that, throughout their 18-year apprenticeship with their parents, children are allowed, and expected, to be contributing members of their family, neighborhood, community, town, state, and country. The following is a list of some possible ways parents can instill this value.

1. Volunteer at the soup kitchen regularly with your children.

2. Make a list of chores that children are expected and required to do daily and weekly based on their developmental abilities.

3. Ask your children for help to plan a vacation, make a shopping list, etc.

4. Ask that friends and family members give presents for families at a local shelter instead of giving to you during the holidays. Collect the presents at your house.

5. Have conversations, and tell stories about responsible citizenship.

6. Vote when elections are held.

7. Organize family cleaning days.

8. Spend some Saturdays helping build houses for Habitat for Humanity with your family.

9. Be aware of needy or lonely community members and bring them cookies or turkeys or cards for holidays and birthdays with your children.

10. Give up lecturing your children about what they didn’t do and implement consequences for not accomplishing their tasks. Television is watched after chores and homework are done and inspected; friends come over or are visited when chores, responsibilities, and homework are done; there are computers in children’s rooms only when grades are B and above in all subjects. Expect them to be contributing members to the successful running of your home.

The First Comes Love Philosophy was first developed in 2003 by myself, William J. Turner, has a ripple effect that allowed it to spread out my thinking about the world. I started writing about it related to parenting (First Love is required to care for a child), but I see now it applies to wider topics, geography and places and environments humans live. I see now in being a pet owner that it applies to animals as well. If I start from a place of love, or any child or person starts from a place of love, then everything goes better.

-First Comes Love applies to the country of Ukraine, to its brave, strong, determined people who me and many in the world have fallen in love with.

-First Comes Love applies to the people of Russia who are as hurt by the Autocratic dictatorial rule of Putin as anyone else in the world. We see you, we love you. There is hope for you.

-First Comes Love applies for all immigrants from whatever country it does not matter, who are looking for safety, health, work, education for themselves and their family members, like all the rest of us in the world are, especially those of us from the US.

-First Comes Love applies to the mid-east and Gaza you are not forgotten and you are loved.

-First Comes Love from this mostly Gaelic white Boy from Massachusetts applies to all peoples of color in all shades and combinations. Black Lives Matter, People of Color Lives Matter, Bi-Racial People Lives Matter, is a lesson I have folded into my heart.

-First Comes Love applies to the LGBTQ+ community, no matter where they are, no matter who they are, no matter the gender, for all pronouns, everywhere. all the gay people I have met and loved, and all those I have yet to meet and love this goes out to you all.

-First Comes Love applies to all women, all females no matter the age. Life bringers, the humans literally carry us all in the stomachs and on their backs. I see you, and I know that your leadership is needed, and is a solution to many life problems today. The doers, the caretakers, the matriarchs, the female human inspirations.

-First Comes Love applies to people of all faiths, beliefs, and practices. God represents love; First Comes Love in growing human being’s hardy like a well-tended garden.

There is no intention of excluding others in this article. Only human foibles of myself that I can expand on as we go.

Thank you for your indulgence.

My mother, Mary Elizabeth Owens Turner (a licensed teacher in Massachusetts), was an example of the first comes love philosophy of parenting, not only with her children but also with her fourth and fifth grade students whom she taught. Like the famous Irishman Thomas O’Connell, my mother too was a great liberator, a great liberator of the human mind and spirit. She was a teacher in South Lee, Massachusetts. In the 1960’s it was a poorer section of Berkshire County. My mother taught two grades in one room of a two-room schoolhouse. My mother’s secret to successful teaching and parenting was love and closeness. She built a close relationship with each of her students and knew their personal life stories. As a result, she would communicate the most heartwarming stories of interactions with her schoolchildren every week to me. She taught me some of my most valuable life lessons in working with children. One thing she taught me was “first comes love” when it comes to teaching/parenting a child. Each year my mother taught; her classes would score at the top academically for the school district. I know now that her love was the key ingredient to her student’ So as a son listening to the life lessons of my mother, as the seventh of eight children, as a seven year older brother sibling/caregiver to my youngest sister, as a childcare worker and foster parent, as a counselor, as a group home parent, as an adult resource to single-parent children, as an uncle, and as a lover of peace and getting along, I found it easy to like and to love children. It is a treasured and lasting gift my mother passed along to me. My mother’s physical presence passed away in 1992, her teachings and spirit live on in me. I authored this book to pass on this gift and the first comes love philosophy to others.

Many parents have asked me, either directly or indirectly, “What do children need from their parents?” My answer to them is, “First comes love! There is a lot more that they need but first comes love. The chapters in this book provide the specifics of the First Comes Love philosophy. First Come Love is a parenting book for all sorts of parents, including biological parents, foster parents, stepparents, childcare workers, teachers, and family and child therapists.

In my experience, first comes love, and with love we can accomplish many goals in the formation, guidance, and development of a young person. As a result of this approach to parenting a person can fully expect a lifelong close relationship with their children from birth till death. I set out to author this book to share what I believe to be a universal truth: first comes love in the successful parenting of a child and now it has expanded for me to be in the successfully relating to all human beings. First Comes Love.

The ideal way to choose a spouse is first to lead a happy life. Lead a happy life that fills you up and brings a smile to your face. Be happy and do all the things that that entails. I cannot tell you exactly how to do this because for every person it is different, and finding out what contributes to your being happy is a journey you must make yourself. Enjoy the journey! By leading a happy life you will attract lots of people to you because happiness is the most attractive quality a person can have, and a smile is the greatest accessory a person can wear. Then the next task is choosing the person who contributes most to your life and enhances it. Anyone you choose should act as if being invited into the vulnerable part of yourself is like entering a sacred temple. They take off their shoes, they bow reverently, and they behave in accordance with being inside a sacred place. Then treat with reverence the temple of you and your life.

It might seem crazy what I’m ‘bout to say
Sunshine, she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care, baby, by the way, huh

(Because I’m happy) clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy) clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy) clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy) clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

-Pharrell Williams-I am Happy

Avoid sarcasm as a way of relating. Sarcasm mixes a negative aggressive message with a “joking” tone. Kids hear both styles of communication, but they are more likely to react to the put-down tone than any hidden gem in the message. Sarcasm is a very indirect style of communication that is often used in family and community cultures that struggle at communicating in positive and directly loving ways. I recommend you choose a more positive direct form of communication instead so that kids get clear messages and not put-downs.

I grew up in a family in Massachusetts which scarcasm was our language. It was a competition to see who could win the battle of words. It did not make me love my family more. It had the impact of me loving myself less. At age 29 I gave up scarcasm, eliminated from my list of things I did. After eliminating scarcasm I found the path to loving and accepting myself. That self love spread into my intimate circle, friends and community.

Say Hello to Kindness when it calls.

Invite it in,

show kindness a seat,

Offer it a drink of water.

Converse with kindness.

Laugh at its jokes,

Cry at its sad news,

Rejoice at the joyous gift of connection.

Show it the warmth it deserves.

Show it kindness in return.

Relish the visit,

appreciate the moment of kindness.

Thank it for visiting,

And invite it back, soon.

Show it to the door, with love,

Linger at the porch to send it off.

Warmly wish it a pleasant rest of the day,

As it departs and leaves a trace of

comfort at your dwelling

Yes, it is that political time. The wannabe king is waning. The demos are fighting.

The Democratic Socialists say that the people are dissatisfied and want what they want now. Housing, Food, Fair taxes, childcare, free education, free healthcare, and we don’t disagree with them. The Democratic Socialists believe the democratic party is laden with out of touch members who need to move on and have become too comfortable in their wealth.

The Standard Democrats blame Trump and promote Harris. The Democrats bent the knee to the wannabe king way too many times. So now the old Democratic party is going after the Democratic Socialists with the same smear campaign the Republicans are using. Here we go again.

Not all Democrats are fighting each other. Elizabeth Warren is fighting for us in Massachusetts and the rest of the country. Our governor Healy is one of the most powerful Democratic Leaders in the Nation. There are democrats not fighting each other.

Fighting for us is what we want not trashing your “perceived enemies” like the wannabe king.

Mom! Dad! The Democrats are fighting! My mom had a solution for us fighting. “Go outside if you are going to kill each other.” Which was remarkably effective each time. The Democrats need to have a summit if the standard bearers will acknowledge the power of the people and get up from their comfy chairs. Talk to each other. Quit the name calling, and red baiting.

No dessert until you come to an agreement.

Cats are napping together this fine morning, after eating, playing, looking for pets from us. It is a ritual for them. The mere presence of both calms my wife and I, survivors of 67 years plus of the adventure of life. Her negotiating being a woman in business, Me being a male Clinical Social worker. Retired refugees from work, elder care of Kit’s mom, political advocacy, the relative skirmishes/celebrations, and the historical march of a country still metamorphizing, 250 years, and we have not got it right yet. Thank God for the cats. Role models of relaxation, who choose to sit on our laps for comfort and comfort us, two refugees. We follow the news and current climates each day and the cats come to calm us down, lower the temperature, and release stress. Our lawn sign out front says, “No Kings” and so do we and our friends. Doctors and medical challenges are more frequent campaigns to overcome and recover from. Our recovery cats work simply fine with no batteries included, as we exchange love for worry, caregiving for those low selfcare years.