A few months ago I came on here and told you all about my struggle with alcohol and what controlled me for many years. It wasn’t alcohol that controlled me, it was what I thought I would become if I introduced myself to it. Many other things preceded alcohol in my life. I will say none struck me as dangerous the bottle, but that was subjective. In recent years, every single ad on tv is AI or gambling. You can’t escape what our world has become, but you can control it.

Alcohol ran after me for a long time. I wasn’t interested, and like any good standoff with a solicitor at your door, you tell them to move on. It did move on. It struck a deal with about every single person in my life though. Was I the only one that could stand up to the sales master? No. They actually just stopped coming to my door. After a while, everyone knew it was no use trying to get any alcoholic volume in my blood. So, I was completely fine with being labeled as such and moving along.

Christians that fall in the evangelical/baptist camp see alcohol as demonic. The conversation online is led by those who came to Christ after years of letting the bottle win. They are projecting their own lack of self control on others and claiming that their struggle is also someone else’s. I disagree with this approach and think it entirely too narrow for the whole.

You’re making a declaration that alcohol is bad, but you were just on the opposing team. I am not alcohol’s enemy, but you were. I have no problem what so ever with the liquid that poisons you. The control it seems to exert on you, it doesn’t me. I am not better than you because of it, but I will not hold to your same opinion.

I see me and alcohol as teammates. The same way you view chick-fil-a your ally, one with a history of fried gluttony would mindfully avoid. I do not disagree with your approach in warning people of the dangers of alcohol, however, the temperance of substance exists.

“Drinking is not a sin, getting drunk is.”, you explain to me. I agree with this until you squirm at the presence of a bottle. You can just say you wish prohibition would have achieved longevity. I do not necessarily disagree with this sentiment on a large scale, but it is not your job to police what is now available. You will never know what someone else can handle. You can’t see a handle, but they have no problem.

Am i making sense?

All of my struggles were hidden under an image. I have talked about this before, but if I did not confess what my faults were, no one would ever know. I think it is odd that everything I ever did was to protect the image. I actually don’t think it is too crazy because everyone my whole adult life sees an image before they meet me.

I talk about Jesus online.

I talk.

I.

It is an unsettling feeling knowing that someone knows you before you meet them. We weren’t made for such a thing, but I must adjust for the sake of souls.

The cigarette for example is becoming more popular, but I can’t stomach the idea of someone smelling smoke before they know my name. I am once again protecting my image. The cigarette is dirty in the public eye, and I have lived my life to not be. Superficial, I know. I also fail to see the appeal, so I kindly sit out and spectate what I don’t understand.

Like you with alcohol, my heart sees red danger lights blaring at the sight of a cigarette. Not for any reason other than how it could pull me away from carrying my cross. I know the more substance I tamper with, the more escape I bring forth. I don’t want to escape this life because I lose valuable time to marvel at Thy creation. So, it’s not right for me, but I can’t make a declaration.

Speaking of souls, I have had alcohol bring me to some of them. I have drank since my conformation, but not abundantly. It is weird being my age and somehow finding out how much is too much, but I haven’t had to make such a call before it was too late yet. I have left being dumb in other places since then.

So, where does this lead me? I do enjoy the doors that alcohol opens for me. I prayed for such doors, but it is a tough road to walk when you desire to love, but also hope for universal self control of everyone. God knows I have a problem with self control, so welcome to being human.

Anyways, one thing that alcohol did open my eyes to is that it is experiential. You don’t know why some engages until you feel its caress. A snug hold that makes one forget why they came in the first place. I do hate what it does when abused, but I do not hate the one that chooses to go to it. I know why. If I had not Christ, I would run to it in excess too.

I love that Christ is above everything, and that everything falls under his dominion. It makes me uncomfortable to see one run to lesser when they know where to find the author, but I also do not know why I can’t seem to listen to my own writing.

In a past week I went to confession for distrust in Christ’s dominion. I though I could do better at steering this ship. You ask me if I know numb and lack of control? I am the leader.

I want to be the best for everyone. I would stand in rooms when it was time to pray and the first instinct of most people in the room was to have me administer the blessing. It was there that I knew i could display an excellent outside persona! I don’t particularly care about that outside image anymore if I hold within me contempt for my brother. Yes ask me to pray, but if God only hears the prayers of the righteous, were all out of luck if I have not love.

The one you looked to for prayer needed it himself.

If I ever lack self control, I hope the Lord wakes me up to try again. He has long before alcohol.

You will never find more joy in liquid than Jesus, however. If you are like me and know both, let no drink touch your lips that does not strengthen you to do his will and share his great mercy.

Someone is always watching.

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Thy Will.

I want to stop making it an expectation

To the flowers,

to the trees,

buzzing all around are the honey bees.

How attractive is desire,

opposed to expectation?

If I think,

“A little more color could have been nice, or

why make the ant a little bigger than the lice?”

What should be cause for elation, becomes agitation.

Why must I pester God with my lustful aspirations?

I sit in peace, while war wages in other nations.

Who am I to yearn for anything at all?

But I must do so If I am ever to feel small.

When I reckon I cannot act like a deity to conjure up my exact ploy,

I recall that I am just a little boy.

God in all his faithfulness assigned me a task.

Where is your presence Lord that in it I may bask?

Beyond my control, I have none.

I stopped expecting and life became both more beautiful and fun.

Surprise me today with a pink or yellow rose!

There would be no poetry if we all wrote in prose.

Will my eyes open tomorrow,

Or will I be sent six feet below?

A sail boat groans he doesn’t run on oil.

The wind implores him to just be loyal.

Your expectation initiates your own defeat.

In reality, you failed to receive God’s special treat.

What did you miss today because of expectation?

Oil runs only on excess.

Wind is boundless.

My mentor told me to stop living in expectation. He said it is much better to live in a world of desire. A world of desire means you always hope and wish for an outcome, but you never fall into the land of expectation. Expectation leads to agitation and disappointment.

If I expect my friend to finish a task, but he fails to do so, I have created a divide that was set only in my mind. If he fails, then our relationship does as well. In reality, I love my friend and desire him to be better, but I have created a environment of little return.

Even if the task gets completed, there is no celebration of joy and laughter, instead it is one of prediction bias. There is little reward for this mindset.

God opens your two eyes and circulates your two lungs every morning.

If you expect the sun to be shining, but it turns out to be cloudy, how does this effect your day? It goes from thankfulness to indifference. You don’t recognize the red and white blood cells traveling through your veins, the air that is circulating inside of you, or the cells that are growing rapidly within your frail flesh. You focus only on your expectation when the beauty of life is still in operation.

The expectation is death. The desire is sweet as honey.

I desire for millions of people to read my poems, but I will not expect them too. If I do, I make myself an enemy to people who never insisted I was a foe. We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. See the world through the eyes of desire. You may get a blue bird instead of a hummingbird, and it will be exactly what you needed.

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A saltwater tear would fall from my eyes and sneak into the crevice of my lips. I was reminded that I am the salt. It coated my tongue and I recalled that God is the only one that can even put this into motion, so I better get in alignment before I lose any chance at all.

I wrote you verses. My hand wrote the Word of God out for you. I know you don’t know God, or believe he has anything to say, but I wrote it for you.

You gave them back to me.

I wept.

I didn’t weep because you returned them, I cried because you kept them initially. You may have looked at them once, or maybe you looked at them hundreds of times. Who will know? I am quite sure this was the only part of the Bible that you had in the house, but you gave them back.

Thank you for giving them back. I have ten bibles in my room, so it is not like I needed them back to read, but I needed them back to know you read them.

I can’t open the letter you wrote too often. It floods my memory with precious gems and smiles. It is too much to take. I get to the end and see my own wretched handwriting attached. Then, my mind is filled with what could have been and what is not. I am damned to recall because it’s incomplete.

I would, however, read the sentence you wrote at the end till the day I die.

“I have kept these in my room, but it seems right to give them back to you at this time.”

I watched my friend receive the sacrament of baptism today. A friend I haven’t known for too long, but impactful nonetheless. I teared up four times as the preparation ensued. I saw him raise his hand in praise and inches away stood his mom who believes there is no God. To his left is his brother who believes the same.

I didn’t know this until yesterday. One day before his baptism he explained to me that he wasn’t even sure his mom would show.

He waits expectantly for her heart to soften, as well as his other blood relatives. He has now received the greatest sword of all to wield, The Holy Spirit. Praise be to the Spirit who now lives in him.

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinth 3:17b

I was overwhelmed with emotion seeing this transpire. He goes to get the sacrament in front of the congregation and his mother grabs her phone to video. Then, the brother reaches for the same. Freedom we must capture!

One day they will understand. Lord, hear our prayer.

I am reminded daily of what our actions can do. Living with integrity is the key. Who wants to jump on a ship that they can’t trust. You must live in a manner that is to be marveled upon if you desire to save your blood. It is not your own blood that has done anything, however, it is the working of the perfect blood that has mixed into yours. You are the feet of Jesus. You are the eyes of Jesus. You are the hands of Jesus.

A temple, you are. Holy and righteous. My God I want to run through the streets and proclaim this absurdity. I will not do so, however.

I will not have to say anything. Salt and blood I leave in my tracks. Both are needed to survive. Sooner or later their curiosity will peak. Their parched soul will one day hunt for fulfillment.

I will welcome them into my temple and show them my sacrifices that bleed profusely. You can’t ignore the blood that pours. I have given up so much for the opportunity to save the ones that share the same blood.

I will sacrifice every fat calf for you to come home. It still may fall flat, but I cannot live with myself if I do not try. You being lost is already cause for my death.

I will wait and work the land you left. You are enjoying the prodigal, well you’re not enjoying it, but you think you are. If you come home, I may run and meet you before the Father can.

I am not sure you will read this, but if you do, “you gotta get up”.

Yes, I am talking about you.

I love you so very much and it only increased when I found what you are missing. You need to get up brother.

I pray deeply for you, the reader, and your lost blood. I hear you. I understand you. I love you.

We must leave it in the Lord’s hands. I hesitate to cuss here because it leaves me in a state of uncertainty. I want to tell you the formula, but I haven’t one.

So I will leave you with a promise to the faithful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

And this is the confidence which we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 1 John 5:14

Lord, hear my prayer.

Blessed Virgin Mary, Our lady of Compassion, I turn to you with filial confidence. You shared fully in the work of our lord Jesus Christ, whose Death brought life to the world. Help me now to understand the truth about the divine compassion. Teach me to accept the sufferings that come into my life as you accepted obediently your own deep sorrows. Loving Mother of the Redeemer, you consecrated yourself by submitting to the divine plan. Obtain for me the grace to make my own submission to the same wise providence, now and at the hour of my death. Amen.

Peace be with you.

William Bogdan

This has me thinking this morning. I never fully recognized the recipient of Christ’s miracles. I did in the sense that I knew it was the surrounding peoples, but not that it wasn’t also himself. He didn’t receive anything but a cross for his deeds. The gracious and giving one received no reward because no one knew how to give. They were learning a new lesson and Jesus could only hope that they were taking notes. He presented his case for a worthy life and how one should operate under that example. In the meantime, while they tried to grasp what that meant, the majority handed him death in return.

So, what does that mean for me and you? I express and hear the excess of cries in regards to deeds being unreciprocated. “I do so much for everyone, and nothing seems to come in return.” Something along those lines is more or less accurate. I am the one who repeats it too. However, my quarrel is not with man, it is with me. When I expect to receive, I am just like the one’s I ask so much of. If I do not work for others, they will not work for me. I may not receive anything from the works that I do, but maybe I will from someone else’s act. Does this make sense? When I act, it is for others and not myself. When others act, it is not for them, but for me and my neighbor’s sake.

Jesus came with this new idea of serving and sitting elsewhere besides the seat of honor. Leave the seat to someone else. If I leave the seat for someone else, and then they leave it the next time, eventually there is no one left to take the seat of honor except myself. No pride is within the one that is granted the honor now because no one desires the seat anymore. As a matter of fact, they may just take the seat away. Everyone knows that there is more adoration given for an invite over the seat itself at that point. You just want to be recognized. The seat really means nothing to you. The question is “Will anyone even ask me?”.

This only works if we all collectively serve each other, so it won’t work (perfectly), but do not doubt that it will never occur. It starts today with you, however. Be worthy in serving. Be the best servant the world has ever seen. A hard heart is waiting to be shown service. Christ is in your heart, he is in your nose, he is in your fingernail, he is in your hands, he is permeating throughout your body. It is time to let him work through an unfastened vessel who expects nothing but suffering in return. There is always hope for return, however, because Christ has gained me and you as the priceless inheritance for his sacrifice.

Let your work not be in vain. If it is with Christ, it can’t be so.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. - 1 Corinth 15:58

Peace be with you

William Bogdan

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God. Humans are more important to God.

There once was a time where the animal was feared and not a friend. A human was a rational creature set apart from the rest of creation. What can possibly happen when we bring the two too close together?

The first death in my life that impacted me deeply was my dog. I sat on my porch as I watched my dog of 13 years experience kidney failure in front of my eyes. Her hair stuck to my clothes months after, and the sound of her collar jingles on my nightstand to this day. I left to go out of town while she was in distress. I had sat in the grass and knew the reality of what was to come, although there were no professional indicators yet. While on vacation in South Carolina my dad called me while I was preparing for dinner and told me that my pet was euthanized and relinquished from her pain. The crickets and cicadas drowned out my cries. Up to this point, I had cried a handful of times in my adult life.

To have a pet, or any animal, is to love it. God may have given us dominion, but that certainly gives us no right to abuse that power, as we will get into later. We have every right to treat these creatures with respect. I want to preface this post with that because I have a heart for animals and pets, however, they are not equal to the human.

In no other time in our history has there ever been an ethical dilemma between man choosing man over animal. Well, until now. I credit the western outlook on empathy and love to Jesus Christ for this. I think there is no better way to live one’s life than that example, however, man is now equal with animal, and this just isn’t so.

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Our society loves animals: A lot.

A Gallup poll had a survey of prompts where people voted on whether instances were morally acceptable and morally wrong. Divorce ruled 81% acceptable/ 13% wrong, Abortion 52/38, Gambling 71/25, and so on. The one thing I desire to shed light on is buying/wearing animal fur at 60/37. Abortion is one percentage point higher on the morally wrong scale compared to buying animal fur. A human being with unique DNA which contains the Image of God has a one percentage point advantage over animal fur.

When man was created by God for God, he designed them in his image.

So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them. -Genesis 1:27

Have we ever thought about the image of God? The Imago Dei.

No, in fact, most of us have not. I haven’t really. What does it look like to be the image of God? Let’s establish some definitional basis.

image | ˈimij | noun1 a representation of the external form of a person or thing in art:

We know we are God’s representatives. We are the bodies in which he lives. In no other being or animal is such a gift granted.

We are set apart. We are different. We are the Image of God.

The Hebrew word: Tzelem is the word we see used in Genesis for image. It refers again to likeness or representative.

That is a lot of one liners. Let’s see if I can put some paragraphs together…

God is human, but the Father is not trapped in a body. The Son came as human, but also God. The Father is God, but not human. So, Jesus is the visible Image of God, while we are image-bearers. When I think of an image, however, I think of a picture. A picture captures the exact moment pixel by pixel. It differs none to what my eyes had seen in the moment. If this is how I see myself in relation to the Father, then I am not seeing God.

I am seeing my Image of God.

This is a dangerous game. This is what got the Israelites and every civilization wrapped up in a whirlwind of endless pursuit. They all tried to capture God with a depiction. Desiring something they could see was just the tip of the ice, as underneath lies a deeper meaning: Wanting to be gods equal with God. Why do you think we have an enemy? He desired god-status and achieved a frivolous version at the price of death.

We must not make God into a depiction. The Father has never been seen in all his fullness because when he showed up in our likeness, we killed him. My mind likes to imagine what the Father entails, but I am happy to concede that I can never paint the mural.

Humans are set apart. We had a separate creation sequence different from when land animals were created. I must be making this up! Surely there is no discrepancy between the way man sees man and the way they see animal. Surely equality is an extreme view set upon the fringes.

In her new book, “Fellow Creatures: Our Obligations to the Other Animals,” Arthur Kingsley Porter Professor of Philosophy Christine Korsgaard makes the case that humans are not inherently more important than animals and therefore should treat them much better than we do.

Christine is a Harvard Professor who has also been a vegan for 40 years. This of course is an overwhelmingly subjective piece, as her outlook is focused on the extreme, but I will grant that this piece is also subjective, however, its foundation is objective.

“Animals are sentient beings and some are capable of interacting with us, but on the other hand there they are, on our dinner plates, pulling our wagons, hunted by us, and made to fight with one another for our amusement. It just seems like an obvious moral issue,” - Korsgaard.

This is a great observation. Why are we as a society more forgiving to some animals, but to others we have no sense of empathy? Why can we race pigs around a track, but crack down on dog fighting? It is all societal aesthetic.

This is destroying our culture. We are rotting away. Look at Canada and their laws for on-demand euthanasia. Aesthetics and the value of life are being set by society. The lady in her 80’s with dementia is not supposed to be valued more than the 23 year old blue collar worker contributing to society, but in our society, he is! Capitalism has corrupted our view of human dignity. Produce, repeat, produce, repeat. Here I go down a path that is into the weeds, but I think this helps you understand where we are at.

If you have no faith in a higher power, or the creation story, then yes you are stuck. Korsgaard seems to distance herself from faith in God and the Genesis account.

This may take your breath away to realize, but we are the ones with dominion, and with that comes with rule. Remember, the Image of God is within our being. This is special and should not be sold for a lie, unless you are prepared to sell your birthright for a bowl of soup, or in our case, a leash and collar.

I am about to explore some really sad statistics that could crumble an entire lifetime of dominion by a single generation. According to pew research, 51% of all pet owners view their pets as equal to a human member of the family. My God, the pet has become human! 97% of pet owners say that their pets are “part of the family”. Sure, a part of the family, but not a member. My dog was seen as part of the family, but in no way was she human.

Again, a worse stat is always to follow.

For example, in one study, people were faced with a dilemma in which they could either save a human being or their pet dog, but not both, from being hit and killed by a bus. Under some circumstances, more than one-third of people surveyed chose to save their dog, leaving the human to his cruel fate. - psychology today

A human person is valued less than a dog by 33% of surveyed individuals. Preposterous.

Morality. What about morality?

Humans are moral in nature. Recently, there has been claims of just how objective that morality is, but we must not neglect the fact that there is some sort of moral code in us. Murder is wrong. We do not think it is ok to murder because of this moral code. Whether that is from my view of objectivity, or yours of subjectivity, we both (hopefully) think it wrong. Historically, (overall) humans have been pretty clear on the whole murder thing. What about when an animal murders another? Morally wrong? No. Animals are not moral. The Image of God makes us share in his morality, and there is only one unique recipient of this.

Souls. What about the souls? I mean maybe. I guess the animal could contain something like it, but not the same as me and you. One of the clearest ways to see this is the human soul’s attachment after being intimate. Animals were once the only (acceptable) species to have intercourse with the entire liter, but now humans are no different. No wonder we can’t draw the line between the two. We’ve taken the animal instinct to have sexual encounters with the multitudes, but do not realize our souls actually feel the impact.

In humans, for whom the brain is the largest sex organ, orgasm is inseparably linked to the workings of the mind…Sex can be used to facilitate self-transcendent experience. Having sex seduces lovers into dreaming dreams and making promises: Human sex engages the psyche, which, in turn, releases the human spirit. - Daniel A. Helminiak

Not one who has had sex is surprised by any of this.

Human exceptionalism is the belief that humans are superior quantitatively, distinct, and hold higher moral value than other species. Now, I think the Genesis account gives us ample evidence to support this claim, but do not think dominion means neglect or abuse the lower. Remember, God gives us rule even of our own bodies, but we must not abuse it. The Harvard Gazette has an article that links this religious human exceptionalism to ecological disaster. In the article titled ‘Human exceptionalism is at the root of the ecological crisis’, Kermit Pattison correlates the two. This “human superiority complex” has given the apex the mindset to neglect the things below. I agree that mass extinction, ecological crisis, and other mistreatments of the earth have been caused by humans, but it is not the religious point of view that it should be accepted because we have “dominion”.

One of the things I love about the Catholic Church is their focus on this topic. The Protestant church has really no concrete view on this, which makes the Harvard Gazette article possible. A mainstream American protestant view is one of superiority without any sort of limit on the environment. To no one’s surprise, most protestants are right leaning, so take the next few sentences granting me this. Recently, a hijack has taken place which spews some obscure take that you can’t be a republican, christian, and care for the planet. This is idiotic. They have let the Democrats have admiration for the planet, while they settle for saving babies in the womb. This is why the Catholic Church will find no habitation in American politics. No Catholic can claim a political party in America because favor is found in both, while displeasure encounters the same.

CCC The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC)§373 states that "subduing" the earth is not arbitrary or destructive, but stewardship.

CCC §2418 states that "it is contrary to human dignity to cause animals to suffer or die needlessly,

Just a few to show you what we are dealing with in regards to the church.

A closing note: Our love is God’s love.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1John 4:7-8

Love is what sets us apart from every creature crawling and flying. A theology of the body. This is the title of Pope John Paul II’s deep dive into our genetic make up. Free will allows us to love and gives our actions consequence. Every day we have the option to join into that love with God, or if you are lucky enough, another person in matrimony alongside that. Love described by Pope John Paul II as “free, total, faithful, and fruitful.” No animal has this faculty because their image does not reflect God’s. The trinity, our most prized and eccentric singularity regarding the Christian faith, guides the human in how to love. Man knows what love is and how it is supposed to operate because there is an image within them all that is slowly revealed like a polaroid, manifesting three persons whose love is shared eternally and incessantly.

No animal will ever have this magnanimous grace. You are superior, but remember,

‘‘the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.”

Peace be with you

William Bogdan

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The ones that left “freedom” to fall under his authority are considered normal. In this culture it is more frowned upon to not partake in kingdom culture, than to be an individual. People see it as connecting with others, as well as a safety blanket in times of trouble. Those who stay distant from this kingdom rule see the partakers within the walls as fools. They view it as superfluous and getting involved into more trouble than they realize.

The king isn’t to blame for this trouble, however. The king is rich and his kingdom shows it. He gives his people access to a great deal of escape. He gives, but sets no limits. It is up to the subject’s discretion on whether he abuses these gifts. He simply asks that they find joy in his company. After all, the Father and Creator who gave them the king, asked the same when he placed him there.

The individuals on the outside may see themselves as superior for being set apart. A pride in their ability to outlast the cries of people inside the walls. It can feel good at times to not be apart of the crowd, but what is their reason? For some, it may be a superiority complex, as I mentioned, however, some may do it because they don’t see the point. Frankly, they see it adding nothing of value to the life they desire. If they can let the those living responsibly in the kingdom stay, then they are not wrong either. Both can live in harmony, but it rarely occurs that way.

This is not about a kingdom.

It’s about the bottle.

Booze, drink, spirits,

Alcohol.

The monster that everyone has conquered except me. The shadowy figure that rears its head every time I walk out the door. Monday through Sunday, its availability has no limits. So what is the hold up for me?

A little kid who grew up with no negative impacts in regards to the bottle, holds the most extreme view? How is that?

I don’t know.

From a young age, everything I touched became a problem. Some less impactful than others, but the same principle applies. Once I picked something up, I didn’t like putting it down. My life was fine without it, but now I have experienced a life with it, and I can’t go back. Whether that was playing a song till I couldn’t listen to it anymore, picking up a ball until I couldn’t lift my arm, or even setting my eyes upon the exposed bodies of individuals on the internet. It’s here now, and I didn’t want it to leave.

Bottles were always around. People would sneak around and try to hide their newfound love for a buzz. I never had any trouble accessing it. I’d go to grab a popsicle and pass by the wine cellar. I would go to get the scissors to open my delight and gaze up at whichever handle you fancy. My hand never got close to unscrewing the tops of any of them, however.

I was happy to be needed. I have driven countless miles for the sake of being sober. I also liked the allure of being asked why. A mystery that no one could crack because I really didn’t have a reason. I liked standing out. I had to make myself something, so I could be of interest.

Pride.

I, I, I.

I could be excluded and give my conscious a reason. I started to be a walking conviction. I didn’t like that. I sure hope it wasn’t something I said. I started to question why I was operating like this.

Notice how none of these reasons seemed to echo that I did them for the sake of my faith? I had convicted myself. It was never about God. It was about me.

I wish I had the same disgust instilled for my other vices.

My grandma may have been one of the reasons. She offered me 1,000$ to not drink until the legal age. I passed that, but it may have caused me to alienate apart of myself that I wish I knew sooner.

I could go on and on about the dangers of alcohol and the negative effects. I made that my excuse for not partaking. I may have believed that at one point, but it was something much deeper. I wanted to be better than you.

And I was.

I had the self control that you didn’t. I never have tasted a drop of alcohol on my own volition. One time, I mistook a sweetwater for a sprite. That was quickly spit out. I don’t remember for sure if that actually happened, but I don’t think I’d make it up.

Some people have the struggle of not being able to control themselves. I know I told you about my struggles with addiction, and you may be puzzled on how I can say that I have self control, but I do on certain things when it is in relation to competition. It doesn’t come from the best place, I realize that. Like most things, I should avoid or treat myself to whatever makes me a better disciple and love God better.

It’s been almost three years since I have eaten fast food. Why? Well, I feel a lot better and look significantly better than I did. It is one of the best decisions that I have ever made. However, you know how good it feels to tell someone that the greasy, unhealthy, countless ingredients fried sandwich is not something that you partake in? You wouldn’t believe how high my pride gets in that moment. Always trying to find the upper hand in the land of competition.

I have learned to lose that though. I do everything in my power to not compare because nothing I do is a result of anything I did. I live this life because the Spirit of God lives in me. I am well aware of what happens when I take control.

Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:4

It is meaningless. Like, congrats Will! You are better at not sinning, while still sinning in the process! I throw a party in my head and at the same time view my neighbor as subhuman to fill my own résumé.

There’s the problem. That is my struggle with alcohol.

The fast food is of course not good for me, but my reasoning in skewed in that moment with my friend. Instead of my mind being focused on myself and the negative impacts it has on me, I immediately go to comparison.

As I got older, I understood my reasoning. I began to break down this viewpoint in my brain. This scary monster is not scary at all. If I truly believed alcohol was this bad, why do all the people I respect and love indulge?

I had an irrational fear of an inanimate object who couldn’t talk or move. My flesh had put a wall up and I began to sit in a chair of honor set upon a heap of dung.

I’m 21 now and I still haven’t drank. I still don’t completely understand the draw. I don’t like what it does to the people I love. It makes people into a shell of themselves. However, the closer I become to those who enter this kingdom rule, the more my heart softens. I began to see why they would desire such an existence. It is not the alcohol’s fault for the lack of control in regard to its subjects. There comes my epiphany.

I can’t let alcohol rule me.

Let’s see if I can explain. Alcohol has no power over me. There really isn’t a single fiber in my being that is attracted to its luster. However, I must become like my brethren to fall from my chair of deceit. A form of humility if you will grant it.

Does that make sense? I am reminded of St. Paul describing himself becoming like everyone for the sake of the gospel. My conscious does not discourage me from tasting the buzz. I would not be sinning by sipping on the fermented grapes. If that is your case, I would advise you to avoid such an endevour.

I wanted to be set apart so bad. It tells me to in the bible after all!

Therefore, come out from among unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD. Don’t touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. 2 Corinth 6:17

The context of this is not to avoid everything in which we see the majority enjoying. St. Paul is describing Idol worship here. There is no command to avoid wine, instead it is a command to use it as a tool for accessing the blood of God. It is also asinine to describe alcohol as “filthy”. The thing Jesus uses at his last supper and in his first miracle are nothing to consider as such. It is a culture ploy and echoed out by others rooted in nothing but opinion. I would much rather be known for separating myself from other’s by the way I love, than to turn down a drink for some cultural distinction.

God can’t make sinful things. You, the person, are to blame for how you let alcohol rule you. The same applies for all worldly pleasures.

I think for some, it is better to abstain. If you are being ruled day in and day out, you may be a subject within a kingdom of no escape. You lock yourself inside, while God is waiting outside the wall.

On May 16th, I will taste my first sip of what was alcohol. God’s blood will enter my system for the first time under the appearance of wine. I will put my lips on the edge of the chalice and no longer have a fear of what I thought was so intimidating. The boy who used to make sure it was grape juice in which he was drinking out of fear of doing something wrong, will now gladly take and drink whatever connects he and his savior.

My God can turn anything to good. Alcohol is not my master. The savior of the world has offered me a cup, and I can’t run fast enough to approach it.

So, that was my struggle with alcohol.

I no longer see myself as better than anyone. It took my own sin to realize this. I began to view myself lower than everyone. All I had to do was look upon the cross and see God upon it.

Christ lives inside of me to speak life into his creation. How can I do that if my pedestal is beyond the reach of their ear?

Be praying for my Conformation and the Eucharist.

Peace be with you

William

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This is something I have been dwelling on the last few days. I am quite embarrassed with some of the content that I was proud to post. Belittlement, disunity, and correction of those whom I do not love.

“For the saint preaches sermons by the way he walks and the way he stands and the way he sits down and the way he picks things up and holds them in his hand” -Thomas Merton

A screen is protection, a wall of great fortitude.

We fail to realize just how much protection it offers until we meet a neighbor face to face. How real a soul loved and created by God becomes when we lay our eyes upon their eyes and their flesh.

I was at the park last weekend and two missionaries from the Mormon church were present. Now, I disagree with the Mormon view of the Eucharist and the denial of the trinity, but that is a soul in which God took time to construct. The question I ask myself is “If they had the knowledge I have about the subject, would they believe their views?” Immediately you lose your zeal to bring out the sword and out of your mouth flows love.

She explained that they were having a bible study on the upcoming Thursday, where they would be partaking in the Lord’s Supper. “Bread and water are the elements.”, she explained. Immediately, I know those are not the elements, but I did not react in the way I would have if I were not a foot from her uniquely constructed DNA. I didn’t have a screen to hide behind, or a keyboard to tap, instead I had myself.

I didn’t fight her on it. I didn’t tell her she was wrong. Instead, I explained how I was becoming Catholic and how important the Lord’s Supper was in steering that decision. We share the same love for the sacrifice of Jesus. I must start where we agree, to get to why we differ.

She handed me the flyer for dinner, and I walked away realizing I haven’t loved my neighbors. However, it got me thinking, who is my neighbor?

I understand that love is telling the truth, but what is my intention? To be a superior, or to view myself as less than her? I am quite familiar with a worldview breaking down, as my protestant faith has ceased to remain. I didn’t get to that conclusion by being belittled, I arrived by experiencing grace.

What is a neighbor?

neighbor | ˈnābər | (British Englishneighbour)

a person living near or next door to the speaker or person referred to: our garden was the envy of the neighbors.

• a person or place in relation to others near or next to it:

What am I supposed to do with this? Jesus calls everyone my neighbor doesn’t he? Who is my neighbor? Is it just the families that live in my subdivision? Or is it also those I cross paths with everyday? Well, they are both considered my neighbor. Flesh and blood, the ones that lie in my midst. The screen and my phone blur the line of what a neighbor is. So, is the avatar on my phone really my neighbor?

In Luke 10 we are presented with "Who is my neighbor”. So, let’s explore this. The Jewish man is passed by three individuals in the flesh. They all notice him and two walk by, while the Samaritan man gives him aid.

Under these circumstances, Jesus is in a period where you didn’t have access to every person in the world. Your fingertips didn’t have the ability to reach the multitudes. From where I sit, I have tried to view the people on my phone as my neighbor, but it is impossible. They are my neighbor in the spiritual sense of the word, as I do not get to treat anyone as anything else than a creation of God, but I will never get the neighborly flesh to flesh relationship.

This is what worries me about exhausting myself trying to convince myself as if my fleshly brethren are comparable to the ones on my phone. Social media is already a farce and imaginative, and it certainly gives me the ability to treat others differently because of that. Through the screen, we don’t view man as neighbor, they are limited to an avatar. Which means they can never be my neighbor.

I am becoming catholic and the schism that lies in-between those opposed to that belief is greater than I could have imagined. I am responsible for widening it too. In my pursuit for truth, I have deemed the ignorant and lost as futile. I have only done this on social media, however, never has it come up in the flesh in the same way.

This isn’t just a catholic thing; however, it also leeches back into even my protestant days where I learned the word heretic, and everyone became one except myself. Again, this was limited to social media.

“They are so dazzled by the reflection of God in the souls of the men they live with that they no longer have any power to condemn anything they see in another” – Merton

How can I be dazzled with man, if I do not view them as man? This is exactly why social media is so dangerous, and why my heart burns differently when flesh is in front of me. If you are lucky enough to view an avatar as your neighbor through the phone in your hand, you have achieved more than me.

Think of it this way: If I view God through the lens of a mediator, not Christ of course, who is our mediator through whom we see God, but rather a friend, colleague, or parent, then I will never know him personally. Faith is independent in nature. It is a personal endeavor first. So, if this same logic follows, the person through my screen can never be my neighbor because I haven’t known him. I know about him, but I do not know him.

This is the danger.

I don’t think we were ever supposed to be introduced to so many “neighbors”. Sometimes, I can’t even love the one next to me. I am setting myself up for failure by adding more and more, without learning what it looks like to love the flesh in front of me.

This is not an excuse to now pick up our phones and see these avatars as punching bags because they are not our neighbors. They are still the people we must love. We must. How difficult that is when we don’t have any stake in their lives and care to how they feel though. However, isn’t that proof enough that they aren’t our neighbors if the extent to which we think of them is just as an image?

Neighbors are flesh in the strictest sense of the word. The screen can never make us see others as real people because our own pages are caricatures of our own lives.

Loving myself is the other part of this equation. I love myself because I am a work of God. To love another as myself is to view my neighbor as a work as well. A better work even. I am lower than all of you, and if Christ can love me, he is sure to be able to love you.

I want to become so minuscule that I become a mustard seed. I don’t even want to see the point where I turn into the luscious plant because my pride will only grow with it. I think that is why we are rewarded in Heaven. If there is one thing I know about the Father, it’s that he gives good gifts. Each person I walk next to is a good gift and how grateful I must be that he has entrusted me to speak of his loving mercy to their dry and parched land.

So, through the screen, if I seemed to be prideful, I was. If your heart has viewed me as a pharisee, I was. I viewed you as an avatar and not as my neighbor.

I was, I was, I was.

But today, I will be.

Only a fool trips on what is behind him.

I know one of God’s greatest gifts is set to be put in front of me and I will no longer remember who I was, but only what I can be.

I have only neighbors; I haven’t an enemy.

Do you desire to know who paid for this remedy?

Peace be with you.

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