I fight
The dark night
That lives in my soul
Trying to dim my light
And make sure I am right
Words are perfect and tight
When what I need is to shine
My bright light
From my heart
Onto the page
And not lose sight
Of my why
Of my mighty
Passion and love to write

One year ago, the weeks after my ex-husband moved out of the family home were some of the hardest of my life. I used sheer willpower and dissociation to survive the early days of solo parenting two boys under five. At night, I would cry and ruminate over the chaos that was my new reality.

One July evening, I put the kids to bed, went downstairs to clean up the kitchen and couldn’t move my body. The grief and overwhelm had manifested so physically in my chest, legs and shoulders that I could barely breathe. Paralyzed in front of a pile of dishes, I felt lost as to what to do with myself. I couldn’t cry anymore. It was as though the fountain had run dry, yet I still had so many feelings needing release. I had been leaning heavily on my friends and family, but it was time to turn to myself for support.

I got out a notebook that had been sitting in my desk for years, untouched since I used it at my first speech therapy job. Until that night, it had been years since I’d done any creative writing. I had been writing only for clinical or academic reasons in school and at work. Writing so freely felt foreign, but in a good way — like catching up with an old friend.

I started spilling out all the thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart, with no filter or editing. I wrote for two hours straight, tears pooling on the messy printing. Afterwards, I felt two things at once: lighter and more clear-headed after releasing so much onto the page, but also confronted by the raw truth in my words.

Once your thoughts exist outside of you, you can no longer hide from them. They have been named. They want to be acknowledged. And what follows is a choice: disregard them or act on them. The words ask you to have the hard conversation. Quit the thing. Reach out for help. Change your mind. Take the risk. Early in reviving my journaling practice, I made a promise to myself that I would always write honestly and act on the realizations that emerged.

The summer carried on, and journaling became a central part of my self-care. Then one day, I was surprised by something new that came through. I was no longer writing free, unorganized thoughts. Instead, a fresh rhythm appeared on the page. Metaphors, visualizations and rhymes entered my mind like popping popcorn, and my job was to get them onto paper and work them into form.

I was writing poetry for the first time since I was a teenager, and it felt wonderful.

Those early poems were about sadness, rage and grief and poured out like a concise conversation between my heart and my head. My hand became the vehicle that carried those emotions onto the page. For the first time in a long time, my heart had a voice.

I spent the following six months dedicated to my craft. Initially, I wrote only for myself, but it wasn’t long before I began writing for others, too. I started sharing my work on Substack and Instagram, where it received wonderful encouragement and appreciation. My poetry and personal essays inspired others to share their own hardships, and I realized then the power of putting art into the world. Writing for myself was enough, but knowing it resonated with others gave me even more reason to continue.

I wrote daily, took courses, travelled to writers’ retreats, joined a local writers’ group and hired an editor. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by performing my poetry at a live reading during the Desert Salon writing retreat. It became one of the highlights of my exploration as a writer and inspired me to plan local reading events. I reduced my speech therapy hours to create time for my dance and writing project, @withjade__, which is now a profitable business. I have now filled ten journals and written more than one hundred poems on grief, joy, hope, healing, self-care, love, sex, shame, loss, motherhood, friendship and travel.

This path has not been easy, though. It has included effort, self-doubt and failure, but I feel deeply grateful to have found my calling. I now wholeheartedly believe that art —like dance and writing — is more than entertainment. It is a channel by which we simultaneously share and face who we are. As Clarissa Pinkola Estés writes in Women Who Run With the Wolves:

“To begin healing... tell the truth about your wound... Hold out for the right medicine. You will recognize it because it makes your life stronger rather than weaker.”

That idea has stayed with me throughout this journey and inspired my reflections on poetry as a healing practice below.

Poetry as Medicine

When I write poetry, I feel healthier. It is one of the purest forms of medicine I know. I write to tell the truth, to free myself from shame and to process emotions that would otherwise stay trapped inside me. The poems I’m most proud of almost always emerge during, or shortly after, emotionally intense experiences. Pain, joy, grief, love and hope seem to find rhythm before I fully understand them.

Sharing truthfully is an opportunity to grow empathy. It gives someone else the gift of recognizing their own experience in another person’s words. What other purpose is there to creating art if not to deepen our understanding of one another? I want my poetry to move readers, even in uncomfortable ways, through its honesty and vulnerability.

Poet Ruth Stone once described poems as racing across the landscape, and if she reached her notebook in time, she could “catch the poem by its tail.” I’ve always loved that image.

Poetry as a Wellness Practice

When I write poetry, I am engaging in a wellness practice. It opens a channel for inspiration from the world around me while allowing my inner world of emotions and ideas to flow onto the page. When I write regularly, I feel lighter and more emotionally clear. When I don’t, I become emotionally congested, as though my thoughts and feelings are waiting to be released.

I still experience writer’s block and procrastination. For a long time, I thought writing shouldn’t feel so difficult. Eventually, I realized the discomfort is part of the work. Writing about my life asks me to face painful memories, shame and experiences I would rather avoid. But every time I do, I leave the page feeling braver, more resilient and more connected to myself. That is why I believe storytelling can be so deeply healing.

Poetry as Self-Development

I experience writer’s block and procrastinate often, which has led me to abandon my practice at times, thinking writing shouldn’t feel so hard. Eventually, I realized the discomfort is part of the work.

Writing about my life forces me to engage with painful memories, shame and parts of myself I would rather avoid, let alone share with the world. But it’s also why I feel so much better afterwards. Each time I write honestly, I become a little braver, more resilient and more willing to be seen.

Storytelling doesn’t erase pain, but it transforms my relationship with it. That is why writing has become one of the most meaningful forms of self-development in my life.

It has now been a year since my separation and I am healthier and happier than I was this time last summer. I am settled in a new home, have a solid co-parenting routine, am growing my creative business and learning a lot about myself while dating.

I not only use poetry to process my divorce but my current dating experiences as well. Writing about sex, love, passion, rejection, disillusionment and dishonesty in modern relationships is such an empowering way that I share my truth on this journey.

Check out this post for a poem I wrote about one of my most memorable intimate experiences this year and stay tuned for more entertaining dating content in my upcoming short story collection. Lastly, follow along on instagram at @withjade__ for live readings and interviews where I share more about my poetry.

Writer’s are master procrastinators, especially when it comes to sitting their ass down and writing. This amazes me because why would one avoid doing something that they love doing? I am not completely sure of the answer to this but have two main theories: one, when we avoid writing, we are actually avoiding feeling and two, it is human nature to put off doing hard things. This morning, I found 22 inventive ways to put delay my daily writing practice.

1. Scroll on instagram looking at my writing posts.

2. Stalk a hummingbird outside my Topanga, California airbnb.

3. Contemplate the colour of the hummingbird and decide that it is chestnut brown and terracotta orange.

4. Contact three new speech therapy clients. Did not confirm three new speech therapy clients.

5. Worry about how I wasn’t writing.

6. Make a list of things that I could write about.

7. Obsess over writing content I could capture while still in California.

8. Send LA Akashic Records reader three pictures of extra directions for today’s session.

9. Well up in tears thinking about what I wanted to write about: love, loss and defeat.

10. Drive into town, park in the wrong spot, buy a matcha, salmon lox bagel and melon juice and enjoy them outside, wondering when I will start writing.

11. Decide that eating breakfast is more important than writing.

12. Read the Writing Down the Bones chapter that discusses how writers are master procrastinators.

13. Contemplate what I am doing with my life.

14. Contemplate if I even like writing at all.

15. Consider quitting.

16. Feel sad about the thought of quitting.

17. Decide not to quit and start a note in my phone with journals to submit my work to.

18. Buy snacks for my Airbnb and drive back.

19. Set up my writing space by lighting a large green candle, putting out my journal and opening the painted wooden box from my Grandpa.

20. Scrape the melted green candle wax off the front of my journal with a kitchen knife.

21. Sit down at the wooden table covered in a lace tablecloth and grab my pen.

22. Write this list and then finally, arrive ready for my free writing practice.

Dear diary,

I want to rehearse the happenings of this morning but first, must share that I am feeling emotionally tender after having sex yesterday. I broke my four month intimacy strike and I think I am okay with it. Phew. There, I said it. It happened. And, I need some time over the new few days to really see how the experience lands in my body. So, more on this later but for now, Chris, I adore you. You make me feel sexy, beautiful, powerful and safe. Thank you for Sunday, darling.

Okay, next up. I think something special just happened on my morning walk to “magic beach”. I was walking past Marina Way park, dwelling on yesterday’s intimate experience, unsure if I made the “right” decision, fucked up my destiny line or worse, clouded my headspace before I take off to California tomorrow. I have been wracking my brain with worry over the possibility that casual sex with Chris has stirred up my emotions to a point of destructive distraction. I worry that I will now be preoccupied when I need to be focused on my writing and self care. Due to being so deep in thought about this, I was not listening to music as I often do on my walks and tuned into my surroundings more than usual. Let’s go back to 20 minutes ago for more details…

I am about to cross the lakeside roundabout to head down the long road past the marina and I hear a car. I shoulder check to ensure I can cross safely and in a quick, side eye glance, I see the guy. For those of you who haven’t been following along, I have an “imaginary” boyfriend that I created through a combination of value setting with my counsellor, manifestation work and sessions with my medium. This has been really a fun and effective practice for creating a standard for a future partnership. Since April, there has been a man hiking near my writing spot who fits the bill and I have a sense that he might be someone important. My friends and I call him “trainer guy”.

I quickly direct my gaze back in front of me on the sun-drenched road, hoping this meditation will help settle my heart rate. I’m sweaty and I am excited. Trainer guy walks 20 feet behind me. Tall stature of over 6 feet tall. Dark hair, shaved down to the skin. Handsome, slim face. Dark, chocolate brown eyes. Tanned, olive skin. Toned forearm and bicep muscles. Hands that look rough and calloused in the most sexy and rugged way. He wears a beige hiking backpack on the front and black one the back, as usual. His t-shirt is a worn in, maroon one that I recognize clearly now. His shorts are also “hiking beige” with many practical pockets and loops. I direct my focus back in front of me. My breath quickens again and my cheeks blush as I think about how attractive he is. My haunting curiosity isn’t dissipating but only building as the frequency of our encounters increase. Trainer guy has been looking super hot and more appealing than ever before and either my attraction is intensifying as I realize he is from my future or I am reacting entirely to a fantasy created inside my head (lol). I don’t know if he saw me see him or not but, when I turned my head to look for cars, it felt like his gaze was piercing into my soul. He felt so close that I could feel his breath on my neck and his eyes scanning my body, like when you know someone is watching you. His energy was sultry, serious, focused and strong. The thing about twin flames aka two people with an intense soul connection, is that when they are near each other but not touching or talking, there is a magnetic pull. This feels just like that - an unshakeable, illogical draw towards someone I barely know.

Thoughts race through my head like “where did he come from? “Where does he park or does he drive here at all?”, “what time is it?”, “we are both off our routine, I think?”, “I hope he didn’t hear me talking to myself”, “does he feel the same way?” and “play it cool and maybe strut a little.”

We continue to walk the long, black asphalt road alongside the sailboats stored on trailers, keeping the safe 20 feet between us. It feels like a subtle pursuit. I am pursuing my healing and creativity, while I walk my usual route, daydreaming as always. And, trainer guy is pursuing me, trailing closely behind, watching, keeping me safe, holding me in his energy. I just love this feeling. I just love this fantasy. I wish he would pick up his pace, walk beside me and finally strike up a conversation. I wish that this would be the day that my medium told me about where he finally initiates a conversation and says, “I see you all the time and need to find out why. Let me take you out”. But, I know today is not that day. It would be too soon. It wouldn’t be right. I am heading to California tomorrow and he is up to something important with those two, heavy backpacks.

I keep walking at a steady pace while humming the song “Into the Blue” by Sienna Rose to calm myself — I’m falling with you, weightless and true, nothing else to prove, every breath, every kiss feels new, take me deeper, into the blue — I try hard to seem relaxed as to not weird the guy out with my evolving infatuation. I make it to the sun bleached tennis court parking lot beside the beach and feel a wave of relief pour over my body. I am almost at my destination, where I will stop to journal and trainer guy can finally cross past me and this tension can subside. I will be able to breathe again. I walk past the tall metal gates and see one of my favourite bushes in full bloom with pink Japanese rose flowers. He is catching up quickly and so I try to keep my walking pace while grabbing a stem. My hand fumbles a bit and thorns pierce the skin on my right central palm and pointer finger. Blood lightly pools on my hand so I gently lick it away, imagining him noticing and wishing my mouth was on his lips instead. I press the pink flowers to my nose and smell the fresh sweetness of spring. This simple act of stopping to smell the roses serves two purposes: one being self-honour and the other to flirt a touch - show trainer guy a little bit of my whimsical and playful side. I continue to revel in the subtle and beautiful details in nature even within my flustered state to show myself that I will keep choosing me, my interests and the simple things even if a man comes into my life. It says - I can stay grounded. It says - I will stay present and regulated, two things I have been working very hard on. I show my body that it is safe to feel this connection. It says - I am okay to consider love. And, hopefully, the right guy will notice the little nuances that make me me and adore them.

I have now hit the sandy part of the path and keep wandering down to magic beach. I call it magic beach because my kids and I placed a pink, green and yellow hand painted fairy house on a willow tree nearby and this is my sacred spot where I manifest my dreams. Magical things will happen here, I can just feel it. As I approach Lake Okanagan’s shoreline scattered with soggy sticks, black mud and browning foliage, I brace for trainer guy and I’s paths to intersect. This encounter will come to an end soon as it does every time I see him. I never know if it will be the first interaction of a future romance or last time we ever see each other. We are running into each other multiple times a week now, within larger and larger ranges of time outside of routines, making this all feel so serendipitous. Sometimes, it’s 8:45am and others it’s just before 12. Some days it’s a rainy Monday morning, other days it’s a sunny Friday at lunch time. This is the closest we have come to syncing up our walk. Up until this point, trainer guy has always been arriving as I am exiting or we miss each other entirely, like ships passing in the night. This time feels different. It feels symbolic. A moment in time where our paths not only cross but sync up, literally and metaphorically. I take it as the universe’s way of telling me, “don’t worry, you have not ruined our plan for you by having a little fun yesterday, we’ve got you”.

I shuffle closer to the shoreline, the prickly stem of pink roses still in hand, and am pleased to see the resident mama duck and five ducklings swimming near my favourite contemplation log. I walk up to them to stop and admire their fluffy, little yellow bodies and think that this would be a great conversation starter, but I am not going to start the conversation. Outwardly pursuing trainer guy isn’t a plot point in my fantasy. I glance back at him, he walks behind me, we exchange a quick smile and then carry on with our morning. I exhale a sigh of relief that he is now in front of me and I can admire him without obvious gawking. He walks with the usual conviction and focus, down the same desert path, lined with sage brush, along the water. I sit and rest on the sturdy log that is over 10 feet long, taking in the shimmer of the lake, watching this man travel around the distant bend of cliffs, dirt and sand. I wonder if he might be a future lover. Future father to my daughter. Future life partner. I wonder if this might be a moment we talk about down the road. How we were both noticing each other, dreaming of possibilities that could be. Of that time he walked behind me, also wondering if I felt the same way. And then, he disappears from my view and I pull the petals off the pink flower, one by one, whispering to myself, “he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not….he loves me”. I cross my legs, get my speckled white journal and favourite black pen out from my inside my shoulder bag . I write my heart out, releasing all the sensations I just experienced and get ready to head back home. Before I depart, I take a moment of pause to soak in this desert sun and the full body rush I feel after my encounter with trainer guy as I won’t be back for a couple of weeks. I utter to the beach “I will see you in June - work your magic while I am away” and make him miss me?”, and head back down the sandy path, the asphalt road, the city sidewalk into town and back home to my fifth floor downtown apartment to pack for California.

Did you know that magic is real? A couple months ago, my psychic told me that I am going to meet a sexy, rich and compassionate man and launch the career of my dreams this summer. It is only May and I am already watching these events unfold.

This is as much of a piece about self-love as it is about calling in romantic love because the latter cannot manifest without the former. We must discover the most fulfilling and nourishing ways to love ourselves before we can welcome a beautiful relationship into our life. Below, I am going to tell you a story about how I am currently navigating this journey.

I am approaching the one year anniversary of my separation from the father of my two children, who I was in a relationship with for 13 years. This has been the biggest and hardest break up of my life. I have learned a lot about grief, healing, self-discovery and finding new love this last year and am relieved to be over the difficult, initial hump of adjustment. The romantic love my ex-husband and I had has now transformed into a new dynamic of cherishing one another as a friend and a co-parent and I now have true closure over the misalignment I felt between us for a while.

Following the immediate separation, I jumped straight into a period of casual sex and then dated one person for a couple months, which resulted in a confusing “situationship” turned friendship. While I learned a lot from these experiences and could not have bypassed the “experimental” stage if I tried, I got to a point where I was over it. I desperately needed to shut out boy distractions and focus fully on my inner work and creativity. I would be pouring energy into my romantic life and my inner voice would scream, “girl, you have much bigger things to focus on, let this go and trust me!” I argued with her for a while until a much needed external shift happened: I sold my house and moved into my own, dream apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I worked extremely hard on myself in the months where I juggled a situationship and establishing self care routines, but I was still in limbo. I needed to go all in.

During the period of establishing self-love routines, many resources and inspirations came into my life. I was building up ways to care for myself and be fulfilled alone while pondering what I wanted in a future, aligned partnership (how’s trust, compassion, attraction, emotional connection, mutual inspiration and respect, to name a few?). Some books that I read in this time include all of Rupi Kaur’s poetry collection, Kate Rose’s You Only Fall in Love Three Times, and Alana Kaivalya’s The Way of The Satisfied Woman. Kaivalya’s concept of the four pillars a woman needs in a healthy relationship (i.e safety, security, trust and to be cherished) helped set my standards for what I want.

I learned about my love pattern through spiritual resources: The Pattern and Human Design, which by no surprise revealed that mine is “romantic and impractical”. After learning about the importance of connecting with inspirational people that show you what you desire can be attained (expanders!), I joined Rachel Saunder’s online community, The Sanctuary. I had the pleasure of being able to listen and learn from Rachel about her own love journey. My favourite offering from her to date is the online dialogue between Rachel and her boyfriend where they share experiences and wisdom from their relationship. I also adopted a “morning pages” journaling routine thanks to her adaptations from Julia Cameron’s, The Artist Way.

I invested in self-work around my own shadows and internal fears related to creativity, self expression, money, relationships and career using various To Be Magnetic workshops. I just finished their money challenge and may jump into the love workshop next. Lacy Phillips, the creator of TBM, preaches that money and love are tied together. When we experience limitations, self sabotage or unhealthy patterns in money, it diminishes our love life. Comparatively, when we experience alignment and abundance with money, it elevates our love life. I had to work through many feelings of shame, fear, scarcity and unworthiness in the areas of money to begin to step into a headspace where I felt safe enough for the big love that I want. Spoiler: this stuff grows happiness. As per the workshop’s direction, I kept a list of all the monetary and non-monetary abundance in my life for a month, some examples being eight, unexpected last minute dancers in my dance series, money refunds out of nowhere, easeful second hand furniture sales and the discovery of new, phenomenal music that inspires me. This vibration of abundance is pouring over into areas of creativity, fulfillment, friendship, career and relationship to self.

I have also been utilizing music and writing. As a dancer and singer, I adore music and when I find songs that I connect with, I drop into an otherworldly state where I visualize my dreams and future. In this state, I turn a desire into a future memory in my body and there is so much power in this practice. When we can imagine how we want a future experience to feel, we will not only know when it comes into our life, we will be repelled from anything misaligned that can get in the way. Katya Nova’s future self meditation is a beautiful tool that I have used in this process. One of the most significant moments in this meditation is when Katya asks, “look at your future self in the eyes and ask her, what did you have to say yes to to get here? What did you have to say no to?” Cue crying!

I have become obsessed with creating playlists that mirror emotional journeys that I am currently on. I listen to them repeatedly until I feel the dream has landed in my mind and then go back to them when I need a refresh. Check out this playlist for a collection of songs that take you on a journey of love from the stages of yearning, meeting, fear and doubt, falling in love, early intimacy, joy and ultimate divine union. Check out this playlist for a different collection of songs that I am currently using to manifest my dream life.

Singer, Joy Rhodes, writes music about inspiration, hope and self-love. She captures the essence of surrender in the manifestation process beautifully in her song, Supposed To:

“I don’t rush the timing

I don’t question the flow

What’s meant to find me already knows

Everything is working out exactly how it’s supposed to”

Spiritual education has been essential on my journey as well. I gained massive insight around my life’s purpose and future love life from coaching sessions with psychic and energy healer, Heather Giesbrecht. Her guidance catapulted me into a state of dually chasing my creative dreams and calling in the love of my life. The best part of her support has been the increase in confidence to step into my purpose and take aligned action, the motivation to raise my standards for what I want and the validation of knowing that my intuition already knows many things that Heather sees in my future. At this point in time, I am integrating her magic by building my creative brand as well as manifesting my ideal partner. My friends and I laugh because at the level to which I can visualize the future partnership Heather described, I basically have an imaginary boyfriend.

The tea from Heather is that my man is

in his late thirties, very sexy, athletic, has dark hair, works in the corporate world, is wealthy, and is from out of town. We are going to meet somewhere outdoors where I will be journalling on a rock and he will join me to strike up a conversation. He is kind, smart, emotionally mature, confident and ready to find love. We will connect over our current missions of healing, spreading joy to others, and living a purpose-driven, free life. He will love my boys like his own, treat me like a queen and be my “anchor”. We will support each other unconditionally and build a beautiful life on an acreage, where our daughter will be born. I will write books and teach dance while he uses his corporate skills to build new community centered projects. It will feel like love at first sight and be the connection we have both always dreamed of.

Visualizing this person can be a very intense process and so when I feel overwhelmed by the strong connection already there between him and I, I channel it into a series of love letters to the future (post coming soon!). I love this romantic, dreamy, sensual and vulnerable practice and will absolutely tell you all about him when we finally meet.

Finally, I have been gifted with sparks of inspiration for poems about romance. I will leave one here for you to enjoy as you digest the above insights into my current love portal. Check out this link if you want to download and keep my poem, With You.

What are your favourite self-development tools? Drop a comment below <3

Thank you for being here.

xo Jade

”I can’t have this kind of energy in my life” he said

The day after he

Opened his heart

And then opened my shirt

Shared his fears

Then soothed mine with his hands 

After he told me his wife was happy

That it was me

She liked me when we met on their off grid land

—

”I’ve let myself and my wife down ” he said

The day after he

Revealed his deepest desires

While I revealed my body

The day after he removed the lock on his truck trailer

Out front of my house

Like he removed his tough, country man persona

And then removed my jeans

—

“I was so fucking stupid” he said

The day after he

Climbed on top of me in my bed

Undressing me

Touching my skin

Placing his mouth on me

Desiring, worshipping, seducing…

—

”I…ummm…shit” he says

And I absorb his words like I absorbed his gaze

From across my couch last night 

And I question:

“Wasn’t he sure?

Wasn’t she sure?

Didn’t we handle this with integrity?

Honesty? Trust?

Wasn’t I smart? Discerning? Or naive.

What did I sign up for?

What the fuck have I done”

—

“I am so sorry about last night” he says

Regret fresh on his lips 

Leaving me feeling like a mistake 

The other woman

Like a vessel that absorbed his attention, affection, and shame 

Then, disposed of

Like that fast food container he threw in my garbage

After his drive to the ski hill that day

—

“I can’t talk to you anymore” he finishes

With a tone of rejection that made my heart sink

The day after he

Put his body in mine

Reassuring me

Comforting me that it was okay

After we moved in rhythm

Released in rhythm

After we built intimacy, I thought 

—

Then, I finally spoke:

”Well, I regret it now too”

Uttering the only words I could muster

Within my anger, confusion and guilt 

Sitting alone in my home 

Empty

Like a bank account that had just been withdrawn from 

Making another life richer

While I got poorer

—

The day after

I gave away my trust 

And then gave away my body 

After I took a big risk

To find human connection at any cost

—

Or, alternatively

That was the day before 

I realized something that still remains unclear

Perhaps, a lesson

Perhaps, a breaking point

I am not sure

I have an important story to tell and it involves the lessons, trials and tribulations from the last year of my life. In the first half of 2025, I dabbled in an open marriage, questioned my career, broke my ex-husbands heart, had an abortion, experienced first in my life, deep, sexual intimacy, screwed up as a Mom too many times to count, religiously attended couples counselling to try to save my marriage and ended up separated, carrying the burden of the family home on my own with two kids under 5. 

The chaos continued into the fall and winter of 2025 where I navigated the immediate separation and associated loss with a summer of drugs, partying and unsafe sex. People close to me were concerned for my well-being and I was assessed by a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder, which I was ultimately not diagnosed with. I muscled my way though my assigned days of mothering and speech pathology work, of which I do not remember a lot of, to be honest. I was in shock and experiencing insurmountable grief over the loss of my family and marriage. It was a very, very dark time and I still do not know how I got through it. 

Wonderful people came into my life, many stayed with new roles and several left my life. Everything was changing, always. I found love and companionship with a beautiful man who helped me pick up pieces of the chaos. He cared for me and my children when I could barely function and we shared many, many nights swapping stories about the heartbreaks we had both just experienced. Our emotional pain, mutual support and chemistry made for the best sex and intimacy of my life for months on end. Our connection was divine timing at its finest. Two souls meant to meet to help heal each other, learn lessons for the future and clear a shit ton of karma (more on this later!). While it was a beautiful connection, I knew it would not be forever as it began to get in the way of my healing and evolution. I knew that I was going to have to find my way to my future self and spend some time with just her, building her up in a new, better life.

Following a classic, post break-up solo trip to Costa Rica to “find myself” I actually did begin to find myself. I started 2026 ready to embark on the biggest period of spiritual growth, self healing and genuine fulfillment of my life. I found healthy outlets and tools for healing such as manifestation programs, counselling, spiritual life coaches, yoga practices, and astrology. I started to become clear on how I actually wanted to spend my time and curated who I spent my time with. I did a deep dive into my human design, manifested the sale of my home, moved into my dream apartment, cut back my SLP work load, started my Substack and launched an adult dance project. I realized that I had been yearning for my creativity for too long and this had been a major source of the greater unfulfillment I had experienced. I worked, and am still working hard on boundaries with myself and others. I grieved daily, cried often, hurt like hell facing my flaws, lost my shit on my kids more than I can count, and decided to take a break from sex and dating. I started to surround myself with expanders ie. people that I looked up to in areas of love, family, wellness and creativity and watched the magic unfold. They showed me that I could have the life I wanted. I found my passions again. I found my heart. I created and launched Penticton’s first ever hip hop and lyrical dance pop up, which sold out with a waitlist! 

As you find me now, here in the spring, I am more of myself than I have been in a long time. I am genuinely fulfilled and at peace when I am alone with myself: the greatest triumph of all of this work, truly. I am showing up as authentically me more and more each day and chasing my dreams. Finally, I am at a place where I believe in the magic of the universe as much as I believe in the power of myself. My projects are thriving and I am planning a near future career change. I am hosting an 8 week dance series with over 15 local, female dancers over the next eight weeks: a literal dream come true. I have the most cash in the bank I have ever had in my life and rather than being afraid of what to do with it, like I would have in the past, I have plans to connect with aligned advisors to help me invest the money in the market and in myself. I was accepted into a writers residence in California in May and am a part of a local writers group that is proving to be incredibly supportive and inspiring.

My near future goals include further growing my Substack, building a body of work for a book, exploring literary agents, taking a somatic practitioner course and creating a weekly class to offer to my community that blends writing and movement for healing. I also want to fall in love again and find my new version of “family”. Mostly, I want to keep getting healthier and happier, without any glass ceilings. So, there you have it! Wow! Below, I get into more detail of how I found my new direction with this blog and what you can expect from it. Thank you for being here on this journey with me.

The Writing Journey 

I have been grappling with the direction of my Substack for a while now. When I first started it in January, I was happy to let it be a place where I go to write, unrestricted, and discover if I like writing at all, what I like to write, and how I like to write. I am learning from others that with any writing journey, you need to just get out there and do it. Write the thing. Try the format. Just sit and give yourself time to create. See what happens. Open your mind and let it flow. Try not to get too stuck on external validation, perfection, profitability or a strict goal. Sounds great, right? No, haha! For someone who has spent the last 15 years in a university or clinical work setting, I am not used to taking uncalculated risks lacking direction and “guaranteed” outcomes. Ah, but this is where creative embodiment is the antidote to the negative effects of living too much in that space of control and rigidity! Enter one of my favourite aspects of the creative lifestyle: the expansion that occurs in letting go, flowing with your true rhythms and slowing down. 

Along this journey, I have also been trying to find my voice, asking myself questions like: what do I have to say? What do I want to say? What feels a bit scary to say but will be so healing to release? What do my readers need to hear? How can I use my writing gifts to fill my soul and help others connect with theirs? I have come up against many psychological and emotional blocks such as fear, shame, insecurity, and doubt when deciding what I “should” share with the public. I am incredibly honest with myself in my regular journaling practice and have found it so cathartic that it has me wondering, why are these thoughts kept in private versus others are released? What might I gain if I share my total truth? What might I lose? I have had many people express deep gratitude and appreciation for my more vulnerable writing and have learned that anything I am experiencing and sharing, another person needs to hear to feel less alone. 

In terms of style and format, I have been experimenting with writing poetry and stories as well as daily journaling. The inspiration for poetry comes and goes and at times, can feel a bit rigid for me. Journalling, on the other hand, is my ride or die writing practice. I am lost without it when I skip a day and am utterly obsessed with the research around its impact on mental and emotional health. I feel it. I love it. And, isn’t that the point of creating? That the process feels good in our body, first and foremost. I think so.

So, with that all said, welcome to my little online space where I am going to share raw stories about my personal experiences with creativity, love, sex, divorce, mothering, friendship, spirituality, travel and healing. I hope you (continue to) enjoy.

Grief has been a central part of mine and my family’s life this year as we navigate many changes and losses. The ending of marriage, the sale of a home, new co-parenting routines, loss of time with my children etc. The boys have also, of course, felt the impact of all of this and I started to wonder how might they even process and articulate these complex feelings? If my grief was so intense, yet I could articulate it and express it through art and in community….what tools do they have to release their tension? What can I do as their Mom to provide them an outlet? In timely fashion, I came across this lovely children’s picture book that beautifully describes how grief is like different animals. I read the book to my almost five year old the day I bought it and was so moved by how he grasped the concepts. I explained to him the grief that I have been experiencing and how it has moved from being heavy “like an elephant” to smaller “like a mouse”. Something lit up in him and I could tell that he could conceptualize some of his feelings in a kid-friendly, metaphorical way <3. I also gave him the gift of permission to feel and the vocabulary to explain. Now, my older son goes about his day telling people about his grief and it is part heartbreaking and impressive all at the same time!

I am taking a 6 week yoga and writing course here in Penticton with an inspiring woman, Sanaz Busink And our second week’s topic was on grief. She provided us the journal prompt “Today, grief is ____” and I immediately thought of this children’s picture book. I reflected on how, lately, my grief has felt lighter and smaller - like mouse: enter the dual inspiration for my latest poem. I hope you enjoy xo.

Parenting is a precious category in my manifestation work this year as I have two little boys who are 2 and almost 5 years old. I really value my relationships with each of them and strive to build healthy attachment and trust between us over the years. Motherhood has also been one of the hardest things that I have ever done! My love for Bowie and Acre carries the greatest responsibility I have ever experienced while at the same time being a source of deep inspiration and purpose. My truest wish for my children is that they grow up to be happy and secure with their authentic selves and have the courage to choose a life that fulfills them. I hope to be included in that journey…and maybe even be a role model who inspires that journey. Parenting is very difficult these days with the financial, professional and personal demands that compete for our time each day. And now that 2026 will be the first full year that Dean, their Dad and I, are co-parenting from separate households, I especially want to focus on presence with the boys. Below is a list of my parenting intentions also seen represented in the collage. I hope you enjoy <3

• Intentions: more presence, rest, off-screen play, 1:1 time, child and interest led play, and less scheduled time. I am working towards a slower pace in my time with the kids so that we can connect and be more fulfilled.

• Time organization: in order for me to be more present with the kids, I need to be very conscious about how I spend my time when I am not with them. For me this means working only on the weekdays that they are with their Dad (Monday-Wednesday) and being in full mom mode when they are with me. I complete all my household chores before they come home and have babysitters come in during my “mom days” to offer support on the things that take my attention away from the kids. I plan simple meals and avoid over scheduling our time with play dates and extra-curriculars. I love napping with my kids and find it very regulating for all of us, so that is a priority mid day as well.

• Navigating emotions: these little people have BIG feelings and so I am leaning on all the resources to help me co-regulate with the kids. One of my spiritual guides suggested I read The Highly Sensitive Child to further understand the boys. Dean and I are also beginning counselling with a play-based therapist to learn how to support the kids through our separation. I participated in a “star child” reading where a medium helped me understand the varying needs of the boys and conscious parenting practices to support them. I am learning that while Acre will communicate his needs and feelings anywhere, anytime, Bowie is more non-verbal and needs me to hold 1:1 space for him to share. This is challenging as a single Mom but I can do it! Most importantly, I am finding that the more I fill my cup and regulate my own emotions, the better I can show up for them.

• Rituals: children love rituals…They ground them and provide safety in knowing what to expect. I have started some new rituals with the boys including having snacks ready, group toys out (ie. puzzle, art etc.), tv off and candles ready for when they come back to me on Wednesdays. We pick a new coloured candle each week and light it to mark the start of our new time together. I ensure that we have nothing planned for the evening so we can go sloowwwwwww, connect, play, eat, watch a movie and then cuddle for bedtime. Over the week, I light candles at nap time, bed time and bath to send the signal to our bodies that is time for rest and digest. We also do little lotion foot rubs and book time before bed as well (one of my favourite rituals). Before their Dad picks the boys up on transition day, we relax and play and go over a magnetic calendar for the week. I sweep the house with palo santo to close another few “mom days” and kiss them goodbye. The rhythm grounds the kids and it grounds me.

• Shared experiences: I have done some travelling with Bowie this year and just conquered a solo trip home with both boys over Christmas, so now I am ready to manifest some fun, new trips! Gather Kindling is a company that hosts mother and children retreats and so I am excited to explore that option in the next couple of years. I am also planning on taking Bowie to Tofino this summer to go whale watching before he starts kindergarten :)

As I come out of an intense holiday season, my soul is craving a little time to pour into my travel dreams. Some for this year, some for another year! We will see what pans out…

I have been doing a lot of intense manifestation work using the To Be Magentic method. Following the initial reflection and goal formulation, I write and re-write the projections as a little revision process that helps it all sink in. Enter a manifestation: series of posts capturing my foundational categories of travel, creativity, health, parenting, finances, housing, work and relationships. So many core categories…I know.

After I travelled to Costa Rica this past November, something inside of me awakened. I used to travel a couple times of year but since I became a mom in 2021, I have not been able to as much. It is so nice to be back at it! Travelling is a way that I fill my adventure and creative cup as well as challenge myself in the areas of independence and confidence. During my Costa Rica trip, I found my perfect current cocktail for travel: solo travel to a retreat or experience. The solo travel aspect gave me reflective time alone and the retreat experience gave me community, inspiration and comfort.

I have set a goal to travel alone twice a year to either meet friends or attend a retreat. Below is a list of my current inspirations (also seen above in the visual)

• California 2026: I have been getting so many downloads to head to California in early summer, so this is likely my next adventure. The dream itinerary includes a writers retreat in Joshua Tree, a visit to the Rudy Jude boutique in Venice and then a restful ending at Lacy Phillips Topanga Airbnb. My vision is to spend time at the writers retreat gathering inspiration for more poetry and essays. Additionally, I envision editing any work that has come out of the last year and winter writing workshops that I am taking. I hope this feeds into one of my creative goals: to write a poetry book in 2026.

• Dance Retreat: I am in awe of Amenti’s recent Bali 10 day movement immersion. I cannot wait to see where Gil Gomes Leal hosts his next one!

• Portugal: I have no idea what is pulling me there, but I will be going.

• Panama: I have had my eye on Sansara Resort for years now and there are direct flights from Calgary now, so this is on the bucket list! They have all sorts of wellness retreats so I will see what speaks to me when the time comes.

• Touch Earth: I am currently obsessed with Rachel Saunders and her creative community: The Sanctuary. She hosts retreats abroad called Touch Earth that provide a space to connect, be creative, rest and indulge. I am watching closely for information on the next trip! I have a feeling that this will be my next big trip abroad.

• Olivia Dean: I do not know where I am seeing her in concert this year but I will be seeing her!

Following my recent retreat trip in Costa Rica (see previous post for more info!), I have reconnected with writing. I realized during various experiences at the retreat that my soul has been a storyteller for a long time and writing is one way that I share my gifts with the world. So here we are…

I have been utilizing Rupi Kaur’s guided writing book and signed up for the Integrative Institute of Psychology’s narrative therapy writing course staring in the new year. Stay tuned for the fruits of these endeavours.

I learned so many lessons on this trip and am sure more will reveal themselves to me over time:

1. Take the risk and be brave.

2. Solo travel is one of the best ways to build confidence and work through grief.

3. Long plane rides without kids are a vacation in and of themselves.

4. Costa Rica is a beautiful and special place!

5. Seek out experiences that align with you who want to be and you will find yourself among so many “expanders” that inspire you.

6. Women in their 40s and 50s have got it going on. The self-acceptance, awareness, confidence and peace they embodied was stunning.

7. Magic, “source”, and intuition are so real. I whole heartedly believe now.

8. Amazing things can happen when you have an open mind and don’t over plan your trip. I left the final 3 days on the island open ended and winded up having sleepovers and beach days and visiting trendy restaurants with some of the women who stuck around too. It was the perfect way to wrap up.

9. It is not how long you spend time with someone but what you endure together that marks a bond. I will love the women I met forever and we keep in touch all the time. One of them is coming to stay with me and the kids for winter solstice this weekend “just because she felt called to be with me” <3

10. We are lacking togetherness and community in our modern, day to day lives. We are meant to navigate grief and womanhood in community.

11. I will now be going on two solo trips a year to fuel my soul!

I am still finding the words to describe the experience and its impact on me but what I do know is that this trip changed everything. It catalyzed my manifestations for the future, which now involve a change of relationship, parenting arrangement, work flow, spiritual practice, creative practice, financial wellbeing, friendship needs and housing. I mean - that list - holy shit lol! To finish off trying to capture this experience, I have listed below the itinerary breakdown and added some photos :)

Arrival Day: Full moon ceremony in the jungle.

Day 1 INITIATION: movement and future self meditation, power dynamic partner exploration, emotional release techniques, group body worship and scrub and Inanna ropes performance in the temple.

Day 2 SURRENDER: beach outing, introduction to shibari rope practices, pain and grief workshop, and death ritual experience at night in the temple.

Day 3 POWER: womb ceremony, artist / muse partner exploration, ancestral speaking, ancestral twerking, and what we all call the “night of debauchery” or sensual exploration.

Day 4 PLEASURE: body scan, yoni mapping, shibari workshop, the last supper, and the final night in the temple that included an unexplained fire of our altar (WOAH!) and group cuddles to live violin music.

Day 4 GOODBYE: we finished the experience by gathering outside and sharing lessons, intentions and words of love of each person.

I have felt so called to find new ways of understanding the universe and myself through this chapter and human design has delivered! Align: The Human Design App provided me with a beautiful description of my energy type, gifts, manifestation style, personality type etc. and it resonated so deeply with my experiences that I had to create a visual reminder. Enter: Canva haha! I whipped the below visual together, printed it and taped it up on my mirror for regular reminders of my most authentic self 🌜

I come from a long line of writers and artists and it feels like I’m coming home to my roots by starting a collection of musings. No rules or limitations - just following inspiration as it comes and healing through expression.

One blue day is an ode to many things. A special soul gone too soon. A chapter of life full of heartbreak and transformation. And, the power of creativity to nourish and heal, as described so beautifully by the poet, Anais Nin: