but when something happens and, in hindsight, you realize just how much was your fault, what do you do when the connection has ended? when there’s no room for reconciliation or repair because the other person has decided that they don’t want you in their life anymore?

as someone who feels physically uncomfortable when others are mad at her and can’t focus on anything but the situation when she’s done something wrong, this is a particular kind of sting. if someone misunderstands me even a little bit, i feel this intense amount of discomfort. i can’t help but base my sense of self around this one thing, allowing it to equate who i am with what i did. in an unfair assessment of myself and my judgment, i convince myself that i am a bad person for making the mistake and that everyone else in my life will realize it soon enough.

sometimes there’s just nothing you can do. making mistakes is part of being human, and you will inevitably do things that hurt others in your life. then, they can choose what to do with that. some people might choose to walk away from you, or graciously forgive you with the hope that you’ll do better next time. sometimes we’re so caught up in our own experiences that we forget to consider how others might feel. although i know this, i can’t help but feel like a complete and total failure of a human when i mess up or cause another person harm.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i constantly think of this quote by taylor swift which was shared during her NYU commencement speech where she said, “in your life, you will inevitably: misspeak, trust the wrong person, under-react, overreact, hurt the people who didn’t deserve it, overthink, not think at all, self-sabotage, create a reality where only your experience exists, ruin perfectly good moments for yourself and others, deny any wrongdoing, not take the steps to make it right, feel very guilty, let the guilt eat at you, hit rock bottom, finally address the pain you caused, try to do better next time, rinse, repeat.” she goes on to say that these mistakes will cause you to lose things and to lose people, but a lot of the time when we lose things, we gain things too: a wiser and more mature approach to interpersonal relationships, more empathy and understanding of others’ experiences, and priceless knowledge from your unique experience.

taylor says that life can be heavy if you try to carry it all at once, and part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about deciding what is yours to hold and what needs to be let go of. you can’t carry all bad experiences, or all grudges, or everything that others did that hurt you. you can’t carry all the guilt that you have from a time when you didn’t know what you know now; you did the best you could with what you had at the time. you also can’t carry the weight of all the mistakes you’ve ever made, because you need to make room for all the new experiences you’ll have. constantly living in the past and letting the guilt eat at you isn’t helping anyone or fixing anything — sometimes all you can do is move on and try to do better next time (this is easier said than done, though).

i have to remind myself that people can choose not to be part of my life anymore if they don’t want to. as someone who has a deep fear of being abandoned, this is a particularly hurtful but very important realization. some people will choose to leave because they don’t see the point in furthering your connection; you two might just be on different paths and don’t exactly ‘click.’ in this life, you’re meant to find your people, so sometimes being rejected is nothing but a redirection and a way to make room for the people who are meant to be in your life.

i’ve been in the wrong more times than i’d probably like to admit, but here’s the thing: life is about growing, learning from your mistakes, and changing for the better. you can’t do that unless you make a mistake here and there. there’s such a thing as being too self-aware, in my opinion, and it can be very inhibiting — it can cause you to constantly overthink, live in the past, and focus only on what you’ve done wrong while ignoring all the things you’ve done right. my inner critic can be brutal at times, constantly replaying all my mistakes and the things i wish i could’ve done differently. self-awareness, though, also needs to come with self-compassion in order to be productive, or else it’s just self-obsession.

being self-aware means understanding that others have their own perspective on what happened, and it might not align with your experience at all. i understand that each person has their own biases and emotions which influence their choices. i also know that nobody wants to be around someone who can’t admit when they’ve made a mistake or give a simple, sincere apology. having the ability to admit that i’ve made mistakes actually makes me a better person to be around, not the other way around, when you think about it.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i’m trying to remind myself that people are allowed to leave me at any point, and they don’t owe me a chance to apologize or to try and make it right. i’ve done some things that have caused other people to leave, and although it stung in the moment, i’ve realized that them leaving made room for the close friends that are in my life now. i think being in the wrong gives you a chance to grow and learn, to become more understanding and empathetic, to learn how to show up in your interpersonal relationships, and how to show others consideration.

i’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and i’m only 20 years old — but i’ve also grown wiser and learned a lot about myself. there are many people that i wish i could apologize to, but they are no longer in my life and have decided that they don’t want to be. i have to learn to be okay with that, move forward, and try to do better next time. i think that’s all any of us can do.

thanks so much for reading 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

“where are you working this summer? how are you going to be productive and earn money? what goals are you working towards? how are you balancing wellness and enjoyment? have you applied to any jobs? what are your plans for the future?” — hearing these questions over and over, especially when you have all this free time and consistent feelings of impending doom, is exhausting and mentally draining. not to mention how the heat of summertime already makes you feel exhausted enough as it is!

it’s extremely difficult not to compare your life to others with social media and the access it gives into other people’s lives, giving you a front-row seat to everything they’ve been up to and just how productive they’ve been.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i know that social media is a highlight reel — a collection of the best and the fun moments, but it’s difficult not to compare other people’s posts to my mundane life. not many people post about the mundane days, the days where you wake up later than you meant to and simply exist with no plans. the days where you spend most, if not all, of your time by yourself. it can feel so lonely opening instagram on those days to be greeted with a post from a girl you went to high school with (and who seems to be up to something amazing every weekend), posting about being at the lake, or the baseball game she went to, or her family’s trip to italy.

comparison can sneak up on us, but when i feel myself getting in my head about it, i try to remind myself that i’m doing much better than i think i am. just because i don’t have many “postable” pictures on my phone from the past week doesn’t mean i haven’t spent my time meaningfully. this past month, i’ve spent quality time with my friends, spent time outside, poured into my hobbies, started a new nannying job, made connections, and met some super inspiring and amazing business owners who i’ll be working for soon. there was a time just a few months ago when i was having a small mental breakdown (okay, i was freaking out about my future), wondering how i would be spending my summer and making money. things worked out though in the end, and i should be proud of the effort i’ve put in!

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

there’s also always the thought that i need to have a “summer body,” even with the resurgence of body positivity and authenticity on social media. i constantly feel this pressure to look and feel my best in the summertime.

at least for me, in all honesty, it’s much more difficult to enjoy my experiences when i don’t feel completely at my best. the thought pops into my mind that i might enjoy the ice cream i’m eating more if i were as skinny as i want to be, and then i wouldn’t be criticizing myself for enjoying it in the body i have. i might have more fun at the pool if i were skinnier and more toned, and then my sole focus wouldn’t be on the way my body looks when i’m sitting down in my bikini.

these little things infect my experiences, tainting them and shifting my attention onto my body and how it looks rather than what i’m experiencing.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

there are many things that i’m a beginner at that i only started doing this summer: lifting weights at the gym, nannying, and event planning. it’s easy to feel inadequate when you’re first starting at anything. i’m still figuring out how to do these new things, yet i feel like i need to be great at them or else i’m failing.

i love kids, but sometimes i don’t know how to act around them. when i’m nannying, sometimes i feel like i’m not being “fun” enough. i put on a positive, happy face no matter how i’m truly feeling and do my best to be as fun as i can for the kids.

i don’t have that much practice lifting weights, so sometimes it can feel like everyone in the gym is looking at me and judging my form (i know they aren’t really; it’s just the spotlight effect — something i learned as a psych major).

i’m only shadowing a few business owners to see how they work and how their team works together — i don’t need to be an expert in what they’re doing or contribute heavily yet. i’m allowed to just sit back and observe so that i can learn; i actually should!

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

every day, it’s a struggle to quiet my mind and remind myself that i’m doing okay. i don’t need to have everything figured out yet. i don’t need to have this amazing social life (i’ll experience a glimpse of that again when i move back to college for fall semester). i’m allowed to be a work-in-progress. my body is a summer body, and it doesn’t need to earn the right to wear a tank top or a bikini. i’m allowed to eat ice cream and enjoy it without worrying about my body.

if you struggle with comparison too, especially in the summertime, i need you to know that you are doing great. the grass is always greener on the other side, so keep watering yours! try new things and don’t be afraid to look a little silly. i know it’s difficult when you’re constantly being asked what you’ve been up to — hello, welcome to your 20s, girl (i say to myself, lol). you are on nobody else’s timeline but your own, and you’re allowed to take your time figuring things out.

you’re doing a great job being you! there’s only one of her.

thanks so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

when i think about it, i can’t really remember the last time i experienced touch from another human. i know that sounds pretty sad, (i don’t let myself think about it too much!), but it just isn’t something that i experience very often.

right now, i’m living at home for the summer before i move back to college in august. at home, i never really come into physical contact with my family very often. occasionally, i receive a hug when saying goodbye to my mom after she drops me off at college, but i’ve noticed that i’m usually the one to initiate it. my family just isn’t the type who gives and receives touch.

this used to make me super upset when i was younger and i was seeking comfort. i noticed then, too, that in the moments when i did outwardly seek comfort, i was met with words that attempted to soothe me (but honestly never really did) and no hug unless i asked for one. somewhere along the way, i learned that it was safer and more of a sure bet to depend only on myself for comfort. you could say i’ve mastered the art of self-soothing.

i imagine how it would feel to hug someone that i was dating after a long day, sitting on the couch or cooking dinner together. i imagine holding hands with someone in a way that feels instinctual, and connecting, and right. i want to experience the type of love where soft brushes of hands and hugs are frequent occurrences, and the other person feels loved through simple touches the same way that i do. i want to experience the comfort of being near another person, perfectly content and cozy and safe in the feel of their touch. i wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone and know that they want you to seek comfort from them.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

as for my female friendships, we hug all the time. hugs to say hello when we haven’t seen each other in a long time and hugs to say goodbye with a quick conversation about when we’ll see each other next. so i can say that i’m not completely touch-deprived, but i value these moments so much and they make me feel so loved as a friend. human connection involves feeling cared for and understood; my friends know that i love hugs, so they remember it when greeting me and when saying bye. to be loved is to be known, and i’ve always said that. ◡̈

when this feeling hits me (usually on a sunday night around 8pm) and suddenly i’m craving a hug or a hand to hold, here are some things that i like to do and that i recommend you do:

1. take a long, hot bubble bath and let the water surround you, giving you a warm hug.

   (i like to use something with a soothing scent like eucalyptus or lavender, light some candles to place around the bathroom, and sometimes pour a fun drink). it makes it extra fun!

2. put your softest blankets in the dryer so that they’re warm when you’re winding down for bed.

   (something about a warm blanket makes me feel so cozy, and it’s such a simple thing to do).

3. give a dog or a cat lots of cuddles!

   (i love cuddly dogs, especially when they lay across my lap when i’m sitting on the couch. dogs and cats love being pet, and sometimes just doing that can comfort you, too).

4. hug a stuffed animal! lol

   (i’ve always been someone who has stuffed animals on their bed, and i don’t see that changing anytime soon).

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i crave touch and hugs, yet rarely receive them. sometimes i feel like the experience lives only in my imagination, or somewhere in the future when i’ll get to hug the love of my life while swaying together in the kitchen after a long day. i lowkey am touch-deprived, and it makes me feel a little crazy sometimes. hopefully the love of my life, whoever they are, loves hugs and holding hands as much as i do!

if you can, hug a friend or a family member. pet a dog, take a bubble bath, or give your stuffed animal some love. gotta feel a warm touch somehow!

thanks so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

the need to know how often you think of me appears, begging to be addressed. does the memory of me pop into your mind on a random tuesday and completely switch your mood, making it just another day you have to get through as you try and push down the pervasive feeling that there’s a lump stuck in your throat and a sting behind your eyes?

i wonder what i would say if i actually saw you in person as i was out running errands or picking up lunch. would i freeze? what would the expression on your face show, looking back at me? would i be able to read your emotions just by looking at you, like i always used to? do you miss me at all?

i can’t drive past the places we used to go to together without the memories resurfacing in my mind. today, i went to the panera we used to go to together. i couldn’t push away the memory of going there together after school in 7th grade, spending hours with our homework on the table, but definitely not getting anything done because we couldn’t stop making each other laugh. those were the days when i didn’t question whether you wanted me around — it was just a feeling. our friendship was the proof.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i miss you so much it hurts. i like to think that if i lived my worst nightmare and bumped into you, you might stop and smile and avoid the small talk like you always used to. i never questioned if you wanted me around because you were so real and you got me. you were loyal and so, so sincere. you were the funniest person i knew.

we never used to hug, yet now when i scroll through instagram and see a post from you, you stand there smiling with your arms around your new friends from college who i’ll never get to know. i’ll always just be the friend that you hope you don’t bump into when you’re in your hometown — or maybe you do hope you might bump into me — although you know it would be so painfully awkward.

i can’t drive around my hometown without thinking of you; it’s like you and this place are a package deal. it’s july again, and i remember it’s your birthday. i’d never reach out, though. i’ll let the thought pass, but i’ll always think about you on your birthday. do you think about me on mine? or, does it pass by like any ordinary day?

i can’t be here without being reminded of our memories, good and bad. it’s such a strange feeling to carry this grief with me years later when i’ve met new friends in college, and i have new people to go to coffee shops with and laugh with until our stomachs hurt and our cheeks sting.

i’ll always think of you when i pass by the coffee shop on the corner, and the panera we used to go to after school, and the sandwich shop where we went after our first day of senior year, and the park where we’d sit and talk for hours.

i feel sick with nostalgia and grief, and there’s nowhere to put it. two years have passed since you decided you didn’t want me anymore. the grief feels a little lighter now, but it’ll always be there, threatening to resurface on an ordinary tuesday. i’m afraid that i’ll always feel this way when i’m back home.

i miss you so much it makes me feel sick, and you will never know it — but you might if we bumped into each other somewhere. you’d probably see it all over my face.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

thanks so much for reading 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

i wonder if i meant as much to them as they did to me.

to anyone who wonders if they're missed, if they've had a positive impact on anyone, or if anything they do really matters when everyone seems to leave anyway, here are some reminders for you.

someone is reminded of you when they hear that certain song and remembers when they first heard it with you. 

someone has replayed a moment with you in their head for days, thinking about how seen and validated they felt because of you.

someone still thinks about the compliment you gave them years ago. 

someone took a different route home just so they could have more time with you. 

someone has stayed awake longer hoping you’d text them back.

you’ve been the best part of someone’s day. 

someone was shopping and saw something that made them think of you. (if you were still in their life, they would’ve bought it for you as a gift). 

someone remembers how you made them feel included and accepted when no one else did. 

someone feels extra confident when they put on an outfit because you complimented them on it once. 

someone replays a conversation they had with you over and over in their head, overthinking that awkward thing they said (but you likely forgot once the moment passed).

the person you decided to be friends with could’ve been feeling deeply lonely and disconnected from everyone in their life until they met you. 

someone replays a happy memory they had with you in their mind when they’re having a bad day. 

someone is trying to let themself be vulnerable with you instead of running away (they really do want connection, they’re just afraid). 

someone feels your absence, one way or another. it hits them when they’re driving with the windows down, when they go someplace you used to go to together, or when they do their hair the way you used to. 

someone still has that picture of you and them hanging up on their wall (and it makes them sad to think about taking it down).

someone sees the gift you gave them and thinks about the memory of receiving it (they felt so loved by you).

someone remembers the way you like your coffee, and they order it that way sometimes just because (it’s me, i do this).

someone feels excited when they see a notification from you pop up on their screen. 

while someone might see you as a person to be fixed or changed to fit their comfortability, someone else will love you for exactly who you are (seeing you as perfectly and uniquely you). 

although it might feel like nobody chooses you, i promise you that there are people out there who will love you and choose you a thousand times over (and they’re waiting for you! you haven’t met all the people who will love you yet!)

it’s easy to convince yourself that nobody misses you when you’re the one who’s been left. it can feel like all the love you gave was a waste, but i promise you, someone thinks about you and the memories you made together. i hope you come back to these reminders when you’re feeling alone or forgotten. i’m trying to remind myself that the love i gave those friends was not a waste, because they meant so much to me at one point. if i love you at some point, i will always have love for you. don’t doubt your value just because others couldn’t see it. 

thanks so much for reading 💗 until next time. 

with love, kaylee

i want to have a summer that my 15-year-old self would love. now that i can drive and i have my own money, i’m finally able to do everything my younger self had yearned to do!

i was just hired for a nannying job, which means i’ll basically get to hang out with a super cool 11-year-old for the next three months. i’ve never been a nanny, so this is a very exciting opportunity for me, and i’ve mainly just babysat for my neighbors when needed, taking any job i could get. i’m super excited to be sort of like an older sister for her. she loves to do crafts, bake, and basically do all the activities i love to do. her mom told me that she and i could go shopping, to the movies, to the pool, to the craft store, and out for ice cream. i start the job in two weeks, and i couldn’t be more excited. i’ve come up with ways to make this summer extra fun for her, and also for me! this has inspired me to get even more whimsical, if that’s possible! ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

so, here’s what i’m planning to do to add some whimsy to each day!

try all the crafts i have saved on my pinterest board! ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i’m someone who has a lot of crafty hobbies. i love to crochet, make friendship bracelets, make picture collages, all of it! i craft a lot, and i have so many supplies that are begging to be used. this summer, she and i could:

• paint tote bags

• collage & scrapbook with fun-patterned paper

• paint with watercolors

• make friendship bracelets

create a playlist & watch itinerary for the summer! ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

i love to make playlists for every specific occasion, but especially for the summer! create one for the month or season and continue to add to it with songs that remind you of summer, uplift you & make you want to drive with the windows down!

as someone who loves to make spreadsheets (nerdy, i know), i love to make a little “syllabus” or itinerary to follow so that i never lose track and i can check something off after i’ve watched it! i’m planning to make one for my reading TBR, as well. it doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just a list to follow if you’re a TV watcher like me ◡̈

include a theme whenever possible! ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

my mom used to choose a specific theme for summer break, like “the summer of adventure,” or “the summer of trying new things.” it made everything so much more whimsical and encouraged me to embrace my creativity. i want to do the same for the girl i’ll be nannying. <3

so, i’m going to include a theme whenever possible! she and i could:

• have a disney movie marathon

• have a week of baking

  • we could look on pinterest for recipes and try out a different recipe each day (brownies, muffins, cupcakes)

  • watch a baking show while we wait for our treats to bake, and talk to each other like the bakers on the show (“5 minutes remaining, bakers!”)

• have a mermaid-themed day

  • we could go to the pool and play mermaids, then cozy up on the couch with snacks that are blue (candy and gas station slushees) and watch aquamarine and h2o just add water (i’m just making this up as i write this, but you get the point).

there are so many ways to get creative and make things a touch more whimsical!

slow down & spend time outside ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

my favorite part of summer has always been being outside in the evenings, watching the sun set and feeling the sun on my skin. i love going on evening walks, getting ice cream after dinner, bringing a book to the park with me, sitting outside on my picnic blanket, and just walking around the yard barefoot. here are some outside activities that she and i (or just i) could do outside:

• go to the farmer’s market and pick out some fresh produce

• have a pool day (i bet we’ll have a lot of these)

  • get a sweet treat on the way home, of course!

• go to the park & have a picnic

  • pack up some sandwiches, chips, and juice boxes to bring with us!

• decorate the driveway with sidewalk chalk

when i was fifteen, there were so many things i wished i could do, but i still relied on my mom to drive me everywhere, always asking for permission before and never going anywhere alone. now that i’m twenty, i think i owe it to myself to do all the things i wished i could do when i was younger. i think she’d be a little obsessed with who i am now ◡̈

• get myself an iced latte, go to the library, and browse for as long as i want

  • i’m a big fan of not being rushed and asked, “can we go now?”

• go to the movies alone (it’s not as scary as you might think)

  • sometimes there are movies that i want to see but don’t end up going to because no one else will go see it with me. sometimes you just need to go to a quiet theater alone, get yourself a slushee and some popcorn, and curl up with your blanket. i’m challenging myself to go do more things alone and take myself out on solo adventures!

• go thrifting alone (again with the not being rushed thing)

  • thrifting is an activity that, for me, is somewhat of an all-day commitment. it’s nice to just put on some headphones and browse for hours, not having to worry if i’m taking too long. i love to look on pinterest before i go and find inspiration for pieces that i want to look for. it feels kind of like treasure hunting when you find the perfect item that’s exactly what you’ve been looking for ◡̈

• take myself out for ice cream just because i want a sweet treat

  • i remember asking my parents for ice cream when i was younger, and we would go probably once a week. as an ice cream enthusiast, i love being able to go get a sweet treat whenever i want with my own money (plus, i feel like calories count less in the summer, so honestly, who can blame me?)

• go to the craft store & buy supplies for a craft i’ve been wanting to try

  • yay for having my own money! fifteen-year-old me would be so obsessed with the amount of hobbies i have now, and she would definitely be obsessed with my bracelet collection (that i never take off of my wrists, haha)

back to making things whimsical while nannying ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

as a nanny, here are my “rules” that i’m planning to follow to ensure that i’m being extra whimsical:

• saying “yes” to everything as long as it doesn’t cost too much money to do & isn’t hurting anyone

  • yes, we can do a messy activity! but we have to make sure things are cleaner than they were before (yes to slime, glitter, paint, but cleaning up is a group effort)

  • yes, we can stay up late and watch disney channel movies! (we just can’t be staying up late every night)

  • yes, we can drive around, get a fun drink, and go shopping! (we just need to stick to a budget)

• bringing my craft supplies with me to keep in my car in case we need them!

  • i’ll put things like stickers, paints, watercolors, bracelet string, coloring books, and markers in a “craft kit” so that we’ll never be bored (and, i bet she’ll have more fun using my supplies anyway)

• having multicolored sprinkles with me at all times

  • because who doesn’t love adding a little whimsical pop of color to their food? i’ll ask her if she wants some on top of her breakfast in the morning to start the day with some whimsy ◡̈

i encourage you to slow down and do things because YOU want to!! be whimsical and be true to who you are, because it doesn’t matter how everyone else is spending their summer. as a nanny, i will be encouraging authenticity, whimsy, and joy! it’s no one else’s life but yours, so be true to you!

i hope some of these ideas inspire you to embrace your creativity & do things that your younger self would be obsessed with.

i hope you enjoyed this guide to having a whimsical summer. thank you so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

our minds actually tend to give more attention to our negative experiences than our positive ones. this tendency causes us to ruminate on our own failures, dwell on the criticism we receive, and focus on potential risks, which influences the way we remember certain events and how we make decisions. this causes us to fixate on arguments or the negative traits we see in other people as well, seeking out certain information to avoid getting hurt.

we convince ourselves that others have bad intentions if we’ve experienced enough of that in the past, leading our minds to jump to that conclusion whenever we have an experience similar to what happened. when making decisions, we tend to give more weight to potential negative outcomes, making decisions based on how to avoid risks or missing an opportunity.

this bias was first developed by humans to keep us safe from potential threats in caveman times, since remembering a threat, such as a dangerous animal, was much more important for survival than remembering a positive experience, like the memory of finding food. these instincts that are ingrained in us can feel impossible to change, but they actually can be by intentionally rewiring our thought processes. the brain has what’s called neuroplasticity, or the ability to change its structure and create new neural pathways. when we think a certain way, or the way we always have, that neural pathway gets strengthened and reinforced. the good news is that we can change our way of thinking and shift our focus to the best-case scenario.

we can literally change our minds to focus on the positive events and choose to believe that our bad experiences were actually the exception, not the rule.

we can rephrase negative self-talk into constructive and neutral language instead. we can acknowledge that our thoughts are not facts, and that the people who care about us generally see us in a positive light despite our mistakes. we can remind ourselves that it’s very likely that all our friends do not hate us, and ask ourselves if our past mistakes were truly personal failings or just our fears persevering as we did what we thought was right, given what we had at the time.

by shifting our focus to the good things that happen to us, we can train our brains to focus on the good things first instead of defaulting to our negative experiences, and then therefore, thinking of ourselves in a forgiving light. brain fMRI scans actually show that negative stimuli generally require more cognitive effort to process than positive stimuli (national institute of health). that means that it actually takes less effort to focus on positive things! so, let’s train our brains to exert less effort and focus on the positives.

i know that this is all totally easier said than done, so i challenge you to try these things if this sounds difficult:

1. every time you have a negative thought about yourself, ask yourself if you would talk to your best friend the same way. or maybe even your younger self. would you tell them that they’re not enough? would you just assume they’re a bad person when they make a mistake instead of forgiving them? probably not, so extend the same grace to yourself.

2. give yourself or someone you love a compliment every day. it can even be a stranger! this was a goal of mine in high school, and it really helped guide me when i was feeling stuck. at the very least, it adds a sprinkle of positivity to your day. and making someone else smile feels good!

3. sit down and write about how you're feeling for 10-15 minutes each day. this will help you process all the negative emotions you're feeling and calm your nervous system by getting it out of your head. you could even post some of your writing on Substack, like i do! sharing my thoughts and experiences with all of you helps me feel less alone.

4. try a new activity that pushes you out of your comfort zone. activities that require a lot of focus and critical thinking will help shift those neural pathways! you could try learning a new language, baking a new recipe, learning to play an instrument, or reading. MRI scans show that reading of any kind increases connectivity in the brain and strengthens its language and sensory processing networks!

5. listen to positive, uplifting content, whether that be music or podcasts. the media you consume really does influence your mental state and the way you think. your brain takes all that information and catalogs it, so listening to depressing music will keep you feeling that way. listening to music that matches your mood and mental state can be very cathartic (trust me, i listen to noah kahan and phoebe bridgers almost every day). but, it also reinforces that feeling and keeps you feeling that way. when i’m sad, i only want to listen to sad music, but it can help to listen to a few upbeat and happy songs too. or, maybe watching a podcast or movie that you know will uplift you and make you feel hopeful.

thinking positively doesn’t come easily to me either, so i’m trying to take this advice along with you. we can do this together!

you have the ability to change how you see the world. you’ve got this ◡̈

thank you so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

you know, i think that possibly might be why i decided to study communications and psychology in college! i used to struggle to even write down my feelings in my diary when i was younger. i was unsure of how i felt about things because i was never asked about it before. so, i learned to ask myself.

i get really sad and jealous witnessing my friends with their own families, receiving comfort when they’re upset. growing up, i was sort of made to feel like my negative emotions are only mine to carry; they’re too heavy to put on somebody else and ask to carry for me. that would be asking too much of them.

when i was little, i never remember being comforted when i cried. i would go to my room and close myself off from my family, crying out all my tears in private. sometimes, i would cry myself to sleep and wait for someone to come into my room and comfort me, but no one ever did. i processed everything by myself and figured out how to calm myself down. i wish i could go back in time and give this version of me the biggest hug. she was so frustrated because she was torn between wanting to seek comfort and wanting to maintain the illusion of holding everything independently on her own. she learned that it was just easier to rely on herself.

thankfully, the female friendships that i have now make me feel so fulfilled because they want me to come from a place of honesty and vulnerability. they ask me, “how are you?” and they truly want to know the real answer. i don’t have to be anybody other than my true, messy, complicated self when i’m with them. with the girls, talking about how we feel is expected. i don’t have to pretend that things don’t hurt or that i’m completely over that thing that happened a long time ago. i have good and bad days with my mental health, and sometimes bad memories resurface at the most random times. they are always there to make me feel loved and safe. by talking about how i’m really feeling, they help me process everything. vulnerability is a two-way street, and it makes me feel so fulfilled to listen to them and help them through their own things. with some friends, i don’t have to repackage things so they’re easily digestible. i can splay it all out in front of them with a, “i don’t mean to trauma dump.” they never seem to think that i am.

sometimes i’m afraid that i really am emotionally unavailable. it feels impossible and so uncomfortable to talk about my feelings with anyone that i don’t truly and completely trust. i’ve never dated anyone, but i know that a big part of building trust is being willing to let your guard down a little so that the other person feels comfortable to, too. i think it takes me a lot longer than other people to get to that place, though. if i started dating someone, they’d have to be willing to stay through my bad days, where i close off and shut down. they’d have to learn not to take it personally. because i keep so much of my mental load to myself, they would be so integrated into my life that they’d see it too, and that sounds terrifying to me. i'm not comfortable depending on someone else that much. i’m scared that i’ll feel so overwhelmed with their presence that i’ll freak out and not know what to do with it. nobody has ever been that present for me, and a romantic relationship, or at least the kind of relationship that i want for myself, requires that. it means that i’ll have to be vulnerable, even if it’s scary. with my friends, our conversations about what’s been going on with us are basically every week or every few weeks, giving me time to process how i’m feeling on my own before having to share it with anyone. i’m not sure that i can check in with someone every day in such a vulnerable way. that kind of honesty is only reserved for my journal and the occasional hangout with the girls.

conflict of any kind feels dangerous to me, and makes me feel like i need to run and hide. conflicting and fighting with someone makes me feel unsafe, and i tend to withdraw, hide, and stop communicating when i feel unsafe. i know that being with someone who’s avoidant can feel exhausting, and especially with my tendencies, i’m scared that the cost of putting up with it will be too much for most people. i’m worried that i’m not worth the effort it takes to get me to be vulnerable.

if i do expose all my fears and issues, what if they decide that it’s all too much and then leave me? then they’ll know all my secrets, and i’ll feel bad because i should’ve known to keep them to myself, and i’ll never want to share that much with anyone ever again. the mere thought of this is exhausting, but luckily it’s only in my imagination! who knows, maybe my female friendships and writing on Substack will help me gain more practice sharing my true feelings, and by the time i get into a relationship, my emotional unavailability will subside a little. in the end, being in a relationship means having the courage to expose your true, authentic self in order to invite love in, because to be loved is to be known, and that requires some level of vulnerability.

anyway, do i need therapy? probably. thanks so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

earlier today, i was cleaning out my closet and i found a few picture frames of my two ex-best friends and me, tucked away. i had hidden them in a place where i wouldn’t have to see them while i picked out my outfit each morning. the pictures used to sit out on my desk as a reminder that we belonged to each other. two years ago, they were my closest friends, and i thought we would be in each other’s lives forever. why would i have expected anything else?

slowly, i started to realize that they didn’t care about me as much as i cared about them. they showed me no consideration when they started hanging out with the girls that we had (collectively) cut off for talking behind our backs and being fake friends. they didn’t care when i felt uncomfortable on our senior beach trip, surrounded by a group of “friends” who said things that made me feel unwanted and so stupid.

something i live by now is this: people make decisions based on what (and who) is important to them. i will never beg anyone to show me consideration again. i’ve learned that i shouldn’t be around anyone that i have to convince to keep me around. i only want to be around people who undoubtedly want to be around me as well. i don’t have the energy for anything else anymore.

i felt deeply hurt for so long, constantly replaying everything that happened in my mind. i thought i’d never go a day without thinking about them and the ending of our friendship. how could they just replace me so easily like that? there was a deep, melancholic feeling that i couldn’t shake, no matter how i tried to distract myself. i felt emotionally drained every day. my family never asked what was wrong; they just assumed i was being lazy, which added to the mental load and made me feel even more isolated. i only told them about it when i was ready and had already processed everything by myself.

when i looked at those pictures today, i didn’t feel the same hurt as i once did. instead, i felt nostalgic for that specific time and memory, back when i didn’t question whether they loved or valued me. i know now that just because something ended doesn’t mean it was entirely bad. i loved them at one point, and they meant so much to me. where does that love go? it doesn’t just vanish. we were friends for 6 years, seeing each other through the awkwardness of middle school and sticking together through high school. in the months before graduation, something shifted, and they no longer saw a place for me in their lives. i felt like i had to convince them to choose me because we belonged to each other for so long. there wasn’t a big fight, and there wasn’t any closure; i just slowly felt less prioritized until they decided to form a new group without me. i didn’t know what that said about me or about our friendship. i questioned if i was easily replaceable and what i could’ve done differently to make them choose me over everyone else.

i can think about all of this now, and it doesn’t hurt anymore. it’s been two years, and time really does heal. the wound has healed over and scarred, leaving behind only the memory of what happened and how i felt. since then, i’ve met new people who make me feel loved and valued as a friend. they never fail to remind me that they love me, and i feel assured that, if there’s ever an issue we need to talk about or if i ever do something wrong, they will come talk to me directly. i don’t have to wonder whether i did something wrong or try to figure out what i can do to fix it. i don’t have to constantly be in fight-or-flight mode, scanning for any hint of possible rejection. spending time with the friends i’ve made in college has lightened the load on my heart, and i no longer feel weighed down by that hurt. the scar remains there, but it protects me from feeling that level of hurt and rejection again, reminding me that i’m capable of healing from heartbreak and getting back up when that once felt impossible. it makes me even more loyal to the people who choose me as their friend every day and never make me feel like i’m not enough. if i’m feeling nostalgic, sometimes i even scroll through my camera roll and think about the happy memories with my ex-friends that i keep tucked away. i remind myself that those friends were simply present for a chapter of my life, and i’m still writing the story. i just needed to turn the page.

thanks so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

this is one of the many ways i aim to influence how others perceive me, because i have this uncontrollable need to please everyone around me. i feel physically uncomfortable when the people in my life are upset with me or have misunderstood me in any way, feeling physically nauseous and needing to immediately fix everything. when someone lets me know they like having me around, i feel a sense of ease and comfort that i can’t really put into words. it makes me feel safe to be myself and finally exhale; nobody is mad at me, i’m not in danger, and everything is okay.

uncertainty about what others think of me feels like anticipating rejection, holding my breath until they decide that they don’t want me anymore. i’ve done a lot of reflecting on this, and i understand that this mindset is definitely the result of the friendships in my life that have ended without closure, leaving me confused about why they left.

being rejected in the past made me feel like i didn’t do my job correctly, which was to convince them to stick around. this felt like a personal failing, which caused me an overwhelming sense of discomfort and made me want to just run and hide from everyone. sometimes it feels like i’m holding a sign over my head that says, “i need to please everyone. please give me your validation!”

i know that since i don’t necessarily like everyone, not everyone is going to like me. a friend to all is a friend to none, and i’m not going to click with every person i meet. i know that, yet this mindset persists, leaving me exhausted after every social interaction. constantly monitoring how others feel about you (or how you think others feel about you) leaves you feeling stuck in your own thoughts and unable to live in the present moment. so much of my thoughts consist of how i’m acting, how others will perceive me, and how i’m speaking, filtering myself from actually just existing as i am. so, who am i when you remove the need to be liked? i’m someone who loves to make others feel valued and loved. i’m someone who appreciates tiny gestures and loves to make others feel included.

i’m trying my best to remind myself that the point of life was never to make everyone like me; it’s about doing my best, learning from my mistakes, having fun, and surrounding myself with people who make me feel safe to be my authentic self. not every rejection is a personal attack; sometimes it’s just redirection and a new opportunity to make room for those who are a better fit. to the recovering people pleasers out there, please remind yourself that having self-respect is more important than how others feel about you. try and ask yourself: by attempting to make them like me, am i actually being my true, authentic self? or am i altering myself to accommodate them?

it was never your purpose to make others feel comfortable.

thank you so much for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

i have, as many people inevitably have, accidentally hurt others. i have said the wrong thing (too many times, actually) that i immediately wished i could take back, said something mean, told a lie, said something disrespectful, and forgotten to act out of a place of kindness and respect. i know that making mistakes is part of learning, yet i feel like hurting others is a personal fault, and it makes me a bad person that people shouldn’t want to be around. when i think about my past mistakes, i fall into a pattern of shame and panic, questioning if i deserve the good relationships i currently have in my life. after i make a mistake, i am very honest with myself. i’ve never been one to think in a delusional way; i understand that i did something i shouldn’t have, and i acknowledge that i can learn from that. however, it’s really difficult to detach from the thought that making mistakes and hurting others equals being a bad person.

this thought pattern can be extremely difficult for me to break free from. sometimes i sit in it for days, letting the guilt eat at me. i remember things i said or did last year, three years ago, or even five years ago that i wish i could take back. i know that my feelings of shame and guilt do not excuse my actions. i know that i was young and hadn’t yet learned everything i know now. in writing this essay, i’m trying to remind myself that because i have been someone i’m not proud of, i now know exactly who i want to be. i do not want to be that other version of myself anymore.

a lot of the time, it feels like past versions of me follow me around when i’m with certain people, lurking and pulling me back down to their level. pulling me back to the girl i was. those versions of me seem to live in other people’s minds as well, threatening to define who i am today. some people will cling to the idea of you that they remember, and that can be really uncomfortable. i wish i could change who i was and tell those people that i am not her anymore.

when i say the wrong thing or make something about me that really isn’t, i remind myself that the people who care about me will generally forgive me, rather than define me by my mistakes. when one of my friends makes a mistake or says the wrong thing, my first instinct is never to define them by it. i acknowledge that making mistakes is what makes us human, so why can’t i extend that same grace to myself? i know there are definitely people who have attributed my mistakes to a character flaw, defining the sum of who i am by the things i’ve done wrong. but i also know that the people in your life who genuinely care about you want to see you in a good light. they want to give you the benefit of the doubt and not define who you are by your mistakes.

i feel like, at a certain point, it’s a form of self-harm to focus solely on your mistakes and ignore all the ways you make others feel loved. it’s a disservice to exclude all the good things about yourself from your self-concept, choosing to only see the negative things. we were never meant to be stagnant. people change, grow, and evolve. actually, if you aren’t changing and evolving, that’s a disservice to yourself. to keep improving yourself means that you’re on the right path. keep looking forward, and choose to keep growing. it might feel like the idea of you that others have in their minds is the true, real version of you, but you don’t have to be that person anymore. other people don’t define who you are; you do. choose to create and improve yourself. you are a work in progress.

as taylor swift said, “sorry, the old taylor can’t come to the phone right now. why? oh, ‘cause she’s dead.”

thank you for reading 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee

when i was younger, i thought that by now i’d have been out in the dating world for years. i hate to disappoint my younger self, but that is not my reality. i’m a single girl who spends her time with her friends, whom she loves (and who’ve all received romantic attention before).

sometimes never being considered feels like i’m a ghost. as dramatic as that is, nobody sees me, and as far as i know, has been romantically interested in me. it’s a very lonely feeling, but honestly, it’s also all i’ve ever known. in a weird way, this experience of mine feels like a sort of security blanket; it protects me from ever getting hurt. because i’ve never experienced any of it before, i don’t even see the possibility of meeting someone and getting into a relationship anytime soon.

i’ve heard all the “reassuring” sayings from girls who’ve had all the experiences i long for, telling me it’ll come when i “least expect it” or that i just need to “focus on myself.” the thing is, though, all i do is focus on myself. and i never expect it. i move through life thinking about romantic love because, as a woman, it’s how i’m conditioned to exist. i’m constantly consuming media about it, yet i’ve never experienced a glimpse of it myself. romantic love feels like a myth to me —something that others get to experience, but i only get to watch.

although thinking about this makes me sad, i’m also grateful for it. i don’t have to worry about navigating drama, taking on someone else’s heavy emotions, or bearing the pressure of having to be in constant communication with someone. i’m free to leave my phone on do not disturb for days. i’m not committed to someone just for the sake of having companionship. i have gained the life skill of relying on myself, and i know that i’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t actually make my life better.

as women, so much of our worth is tied to how much attention we receive. that’s the part that makes me overthink; i’m not necessarily sad about the lack of attention, i’m just very confused. i’m not sure if there’s something i’m doing wrong (although there probably is, since i avoid men because they make me nervous). maybe there’s something about me that makes me less lovable? does my body language in public not communicate that i’m open to meeting new people? it’s easy to feel invisible, like everyone else is so many steps ahead of me and i’ll never catch up.

but i remind myself that feeling “invisible,” although it hurts, means that any tiny sliver of romantic interest i do receive someday won’t dismantle my high standards. i do have a fear that if i finally receive it, i’ll panic or say the wrong thing. i won’t know how to react. but i also think i’ll be able to tell if it’s genuine or just someone testing to see if i “give in” to attention easily. my standards are high because of the media i’ve consumed my whole life. what keeps me hopeful is the idea that i have so much to look forward to. i’ve never experienced romantic heartbreak and i’m not hung up on anyone. the best is yet to come! i know i want something that feels steady, genuine, and safe, and hopefully that’s out there for me.

a friend once told me that when i finally get a boyfriend, i’ll be treated the way i deserve because i’ve waited so long. never receiving romantic attention has taught me to rely on my female friendships to feel fulfilled and loved. it’s taught me what i want, and it’s taught me that i’m okay on my own. until that person comes along, i’ll be fine. until then, i have my romcoms and romance novels to get me by.

thank you for reading! 💗 until next time.

with love, kaylee