Hii, I’m Evodia a pastor’s daughter by the way and let me walk you through my deconstruction period 101: a tutorial for those who need it.

“In the land of God’s and monsters, I was an angel.”

I’ve always been a die hard Christian. As I’ve mentioned earlier ,I come from a very Christian family. I’m talking church every Sunday, prayers every night ,CU member you name it, I’ve done it. That was my reality for as long as I can remember ,and it remained that way until I finished high school last year.

As a Christian ,you already know all the “what nots” and Spirituality, in Christian terms, was basically portrayed as cutting your veins and using the blood to sell your soul to the devil. So naturally, I stayed far away from it.

That was until I started getting more exposure to spirituality. I decided to start listening to subliminals which honestly, worked like magic. But I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing it, so I started making excuses for myself “Yes I’m still a Christian, just because I do this doesn’t mean…”

By August, I had fully immersed myself in spirituality. I was listening to more subliminals, experimenting with manifestation and honestly going crazy .Yet somehow, I still kept telling myself, “I’m still a Christian, but…”

Again.

And again.

Around October, I decided to “get free.” I asked myself a very simple question: Do I actually believe or am I gaslighting myself into believing that I still do?

The answer was very definite.

But I won’t lie to you, I wasn’t as “free” as I thought I was.

I didn’t realize that once I left religion, a part of me had been conditioned to believe that I was now the enemy, destined for hell. I was scared of the inevitable. And honestly, I feel this is a canon event for anyone going through religious deconstruction eventually, it will pass.

Other than that, I’ve experienced so much hypocrisy from some of my old friends. You would think I had personally become the devil himself. The same people judging me for stepping away from Christianity drink and smoke every Friday night, but suddenly your sins are somehow purer than mine, because you believe and Yay ! Good for you, you’ll be going to heaven regardless, right?

But, truth be told, I was just as hypocritical as them before I woke the fuck up. I used to think I was morally superior simply because I felt guilty after committing a “sin” and then repented. I know, Diabolical.

#acceptance

As of today “I’ve reached a state of pure harmony.”

I’m no longer scared of death or where I’ll go after I die. If I’m going to hell, then so be it. I’ve lived and loved in my truth.

This article was inspired by “Gods & Monsters” one of my favorite songs by my favorite artist of all time, Lana Del Rey.

And just as she said:

“No one’s gonna take my soul away, I’m living like Jim Morrison.”

Maybe this is what freedom is supposed to feel like not finding another God to worship, but finally realizing that my soul had always belonged to me.

I can’t believe it, I’m free from religion.

I’m finally free.

Yeah,I have a problem.

I honestly don’t understand it myself, but I’ll always be the one who got away. I love disappearing.

Sometimes I ask myself,Why am I always running? No one is chasing me, yet I want to run as far away as possible.

I love being in the spotlight but not forever. Just watch me now before the curtain drops, then wait for my next act.

I can’t explain it,Maybe this is just me soft launching the idea, #Put the phones down !!! I don’t know.

Ok yes, I love being available, I love posting my friends and myself. But sometimes it gets overstimulating.Like NO- don’t perceive me.

And I don’t think these are signs of being an avoidant. I used to think I was, until I realized I’m actually very in sync with my emotions and I’ll always speak.

Anyways,besides the point.

You know those movies where that one girl disappears and starts a completely new life? Don’t say there were no signs.

Firstly,I’m talking about grown women whose frontal lobes are fully developed. No matter how many times people tell them to leave,the choice is ultimately theirs,and they are aware of what’s happening.

I’m 19 btw so I still lack a lot of life experience and exposure.But from my perspective,marriage and having children with someone are levels of intimacy and commitment that many of us probably can’t fully understand yet.And that’s why I tend to stay quiet when conversations like this come up.

People are always shouting “LEAVE LEAVE” while their own two week situationship has had them in a chokehold for the past year.If you can’t leave a simple relationship like that,what makes you so certain that,if you were in a 20 year marriage with children involved, you’d suddenly be able to walk away without hesitation? Hadi nyinyi hamkuangi serious sometimes.

And before anyone puts words in my mouth,I am not advocating for women to stay in abusive relationships. I simply think there should be room for conversations about these situations that aren’t immediately hostile or dismissive,yeah.

P.s I haven’t finished watching The Polygamist,this is a general take that was to be a note.

“Evodia, you’re so happy.”
“I love how positive you are.”
“Evodia, you’re always smiling.”

Am I a fraud? Am I really happy, or is it all just an act? I honestly don’t know.When the curtains close and I’m no longer performing, my emotions tend to get the best out of me. I try not to label it as “depression” ,but there are moments when I feel really sad.As a self aware person,I understand why I feel this way but the cause is beyond my control,so what more can I do? Wallow in it ???

At times,I feel ungrateful, because as Brooke Davis said, there are so many good things happening in my life.To the extent a third party could even call my life “perfect” I’m healthy,I’m surrounded by people who love me deeply. And yet,when my emotions cloud my mind,I struggle to move past it.So why do I continue to wear a happy facade when internally,I feel like shit?

The answer is simple,I refuse to wallow in sadness. Life is too beautiful- why give up when it has so much to offer? I have to see Greece,I have to open an animal orphanage.I have dreams that won’t let me quit.

I hold onto the belief that if I convince myself I’m happy and lean into it enough,eventually it will become real and manifest itself in my life.I aspire to have a kind of happiness that feels effortless,the kind that radiates so brightly it becomes something others admire.I want to live fully in each moment, smiling so much that the smile lines on my face form permanent creases when I’m old.

“Live life,breathe air,I know someday we’re going to get there.And feel so wonderful.”

I want to be happy,truly happy. Not the kind I have to fake,but the kind I can feel,deeply and honestly.

For now, I’ll keep reminding myself,

“It gets better.”
“It gets better.”
“It gets better.”

Until one day, it finally is !

First of all, if you find the title of this article (inspired by Ariana Grande’s God Is a Woman) “insulting” in any way,then I’m sorry to say but you might still have a long way to go in breaking the shackles placed on us by patriarchy (But that’s a conversation for another day).

From a young age,women are taught that their value is tied to how “pure” they are,how they dress,act and who they choose to be with.Meanwhile,men are rarely held to the same standard.In fact,they’re often praised for the very behavior women are shamed for.

Let’s talk about purity culture and how it places the burden of sexual morality almost entirely on women. I find it funny how women are expected to be “pure” while men are expected to be “experienced” .Which raises a bigger question who are these men sleeping with then ???

To really understand my point of view we have to look at the roots. Purity culture didn’t begin as just a moral or religious belief it grew out of patriarchal systems where men held power over family and property.In many African communities,a woman’s sexuality was tied to marriage and value.

Take FGM, for example: women were promised marriage if they underwent the initiation,which could involve the stitching of the vaginal opening, leaving only a small space for basic bodily functions.This was done to enforce virginity,but why were there no equally extreme expectations placed on men? I mean It’s a two way street.

Later on religion reinforced and formalized these ideas. Different belief systems emphasized sexual discipline but often more stricter for women than men.Over time,these ideas became deeply embedded in society even among people who don’t identify as religious.

So while purity culture may look modern,its foundation is not. It’s built on systems that were never designed to treat men and women equally and that’s why the double standard still exists today.

If purity is truly valuable,why isn’t it expected equally???

Now let’s actually discuss:WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU???

I understand Sex is sacred energy but I don’t believe marriage should be the only condition that makes it valid.What about people who don’t plan on getting married are they expected to remain “pure” forever?

Here’s my take,while I fully support the notion #CANCELPURITYCULTURE,I believe in choice ! Everyone should have the freedom to decide what’s right for THEIR own body. I’ll do what’s best for ME and you do what’s best for YOU.

Before I close this article, I want to share a note I posted earlier that actually pushed me to write this article.My hot take on slut shaming (I’ll just paste it as it is)

“Yesterday,my friends and I were talking about Shakilla (the remote one) and it got me thinking about how slut shaming mostly affects women than men.I find it ironic how society constantly tries to “tame” women’s sexuality, while men walk scot free !

Take FGM,for example,why should a woman’s vaginal opening be stitched to preserve her virginity???Why weren’t there equivalent rules or restrictions imposed on men?

My unpopular opinion is there is nothing wrong with a woman deciding what to do with her OWN body,even if it involves material gain.Many of these rules and expectations are influenced by religious and cultural beliefs and I understand that sex can be viewed as sacred even on a spiritual plane field but if we really think about it,women labeled as ‘sluts’ should not be shamed.After all,there are men sleeping with the same number of people only difference being ONE OF THEM IS GETTING PAID !”

It’s sad to say but we’ve been taught to measure women by standards that were never meant to be fair.

So girl get up,don’t let societal expectations pass judgement on you,just make sure that it is an autonomous decision you’re making for yourself.

You’ve reached the end,thank you so much for reading this ! (here is a sweet treat for you “🍫” )

Looking back, I honestly can’t pinpoint where the insecurity started. All I know is that growing up, I would literally lie and say I was half Luo and half Kikuyu just to feel “accepted.” My surname is Warega and my mom is brown-skinned,which made the lie easier to believe.(p.s if you knew me in primary school,I’m sorry for the lie.) But if I really psychoanalyze it,I think the main reason I wanted to be Kikuyu so badly was because of the beauty standards I associated with them,long hair and lighter skin.Those things don’t get to me now, but as a child they affected me.On top of that,most kids in my class were Bantu,so I constantly felt out of place.

The lying eventually stopped when I joined high school and little by little,I started accepting my tribe.

To be fair, I think a lot of that insecurity was picked up subconsciously while growing up. It’s hard to explain, but if you’re Kenyan, you probably understand. You could have asked me the “opposite” of a Luo back then and I would have automatically said Kikuyu. That’s how bad it was.I genuinely believe the tribalism rooted in older generations influenced me more than I knew and it’s honestly sad to see it still happening today.

Even now, in public spaces especially government offices,some adults still feel the need to ask about my tribe like- “Excuse me Sir,I believe we’re facing bigger problems,this cannot be your biggest concern!”. Early last year,when I went to apply for my ID, a man who wasn’t even part of the registration process insisted on checking my documents and after asking where I’m from, he started making low-key offensive jokes,he even called me “Daughter of Raila.” Yep- Moments like that really show how normalized tribal stereotypes still are. Sometimes it genuinely feels like that generation is already too deep in it, and I don’t even know if there’s any saving.

I once had a similar realization during a conversation with an older woman,probably in her 30s.She asked if there was any tribe I couldn’t date, and I told her I honestly didn’t care about stuff like that “atakuja vile atakuja” and she was so shocked. She then admitted she would never date Luhyas or Kissis and if I’m being honest,that sounded like internalized tribalism. It doesn’t make sense to categorize an entire tribe based on “certain behaviors” when behavior is rooted in individual morals and personality,not ethnicity !

Despite all this, I truly appreciate how much our generation has evolved like the only reason I usually know my friends’ tribes is because of their names it’s never been a main concern for me.I genuinely hope it stays that way and continues improving for the generations after us.

Deep down,I feel like I had failed my ancestors by not embracing my identity earlier. But today,I can confidently say I AM A FULL LUO AND I AM PROUD !!! (Should I say it louder for those at the back?)I love everything about my culture,the food, the lake (my favorite place), the language,the history,all of it and when I have my own kids one day, I’ll make sure they grow up appreciating exactly where they come from.

Typically, when a supernatural being dies for a girl, you’d assume it’s because of her beauty but what the deities saw in Misa was something entirely different.

My brother once called me a late bloomer because I tend to watch shows he recommended months or even years after he first mentioned them. At long last, I decided to watch Death Note, and I ended up binge watching it for two days straight (yes,it was that good).

One character who truly stood out to me was a girl named Misa. For the sake of those who haven’t watched the anime yet, I’ll give a bit of background without revealing any major spoilers.

The story involves Gods of Death, also known as Shinigami. They are immortal beings who oversee humans until their time of death. Their role is to write a human’s name in a notebook, which causes that person to die when their time comes. Being immortal, the only way a Shinigami can die is if they fall in love with a human.

If I’m being honest, Misa isn’t exactly the smartest character,she has her flaws. In the series, she made a deal with a Shinigami that cost her half of her lifespan, all because she was head over heels for a boy who never loved her. Honestly, she dedicated her whole life to a man, obeying his every word. Yes, I’ll say it again she was very stupid !

But what fascinated me the most isn’t her mistakes it’s that not one, but two Shinigami died for her sake. I believe this happened because the love she gave to those around her was genuine. She was the kind of girl who could light up every room she walked into a literal ray of sunshine. She was always happy, always smiling at everyone. (I’d honestly love to be her friend)

I’m convinced that’s why the Shinigami chose to die for her. Watching her remain authentically herself full of love and affection.despite being constantly underestimated and put down, genuinely made me happy. It made me reflect on just how powerful innocent ✨radiance ✨ is ! Despite gaining a longer lifespan because when a Shinigami dies for you, you inherit theirs,essentially becoming immortal,she ended up killing herself for someone who never loved her.

So now I ask you,in the way you love,exist, and stay true to yourself, would a Shinigami be willing to give up immortality for you?