The morning starts with a shadowy figure in the backseat of a car. It is 5AM, I am delirious with sleep, and I am unsure whether my Uber Share mentioned picking up another rider. “Must have,” I think. “Otherwise why on Earth would a random person be in this car.” I get in the car. I turn to the man next to me. I squint through the end of night and measure his silhouette. He is dressed in all black and is softly snoring.

I check my phone and we are, in fact, not picking up another passenger. This man, who was here before I got in the car, is clearly something to the driver. Friend? Child? Adult? Accomplice?? Actual co-rider I’m hesitant to trust after a traumatizing weekend? His hand inches closer to mine as he falls deeper into sleep and I try not to freak out because kidnapping is not an option when it comes to me. I’m too charismatic, I’m too annoying, they always let me go in the end. Besides, I’m playing Pokemon Go at 6 AM and our Uber is following the route and you can’t kidnap someone who’s just trying to walk their Keldeo.

I run through scenarios in my head as an exercise to calm down. Surely, this is nothing, it is early morning and I am particularly tired after spending three days soothing my friend through her ex-boyfriends outbursts, but you can never be certain. Maybe he is the drivers son and he is on his way to school after my drop off. Maybe I knew him in a previous life and his soul wanted to sit next to mine in silence one last time. Who were we to each other before? “Sisters,” I think, and the idea is so outrageous I snort just a bit. The driver turns, smiles, and takes the moment for conversation. “I think the bridge is shaking!!!” He says - to calm my nerves, to comfort himself, I’m not sure. He stretches his back by letting go of the wheel and punching the air repeatedly. We are on the queens expressway.

After a twenty minute delay, I arrive at the airport. I get up from my seat and notice a massive stain directly beneath me. “FUCK,” I think, convinced every bad thing to happen in life is a direct result of me being alive. “Did I spill my water?” I did not and I wave the driver away into the milky morning sky. I hesitate on giving him a rating. “Femmes smile too much, we’re conditioned to be polite,” my clown teacher told me the night before, my face too open and too polite and too ready to forgive everyone at the cost of my discomfort. “Four stars,” I say, guilt eating at me. I’ve never given anyone four stars before.

I send a voice memo to my groupchat immediately. “My driver kept punching the air and there was also a literal stranger in the backseat,” I said. I arrive in DC with relative ease and when my phone turns back on, the consensus is “report him.” Women and queers require rallying to express even an iota of a backbone and I love that my friends reaffirm an objectively weird encounter. “GET a refund.” They say.

I reach out to Uber support and end my message with “idk I don’t want them to get in trouble I would just love a refund!!!” I don’t want them to get in trouble. I just want a refund. I accept the fact this may be my only snafu in traveling to Iowa today, a summer of snafus resulting in over 30 hour delays. Rain, heat, wildfires that leave the sky a jaundice yellow with a blood red sun poking out. Today is CLEAR skies. Outside of the minor 15% paranoia of being kidnapped (I can’t be. I’m too funny) I imagine the rest of the trip will be easy. I have landed in DC without a hitch.

Poop gate unfolds slowly and then all at once. I board the plane to Cedar Rapids, take my seat, and immediately am inundated with niceties from the woman next to me. “You smile too much, so polite, so open,” my clown teacher told me the night before. I have a face people tell everything to which ranges from “look at this photo of my kids” to “look at my Jerry springer episode.” This woman goes on about her time in Vermont. She expects me to react in shock when she tells me five drinks cost her $90. Sadly, I live in New York.

The overhead scratches and the pilot comes on. “Sorry folks we’re experiencing some mechanical difficulties.” The woman and I look at each other. “Uh oh,” she says. “There’s - uh,” the pilot stutters. “We’re working on emptying the lavatories from the previous flight.” The people around me snicker. I immediately pick up my phone to text jokes. “We should be off the ground in fifty minutes but we may only have one operating bathroom.” Our plane is too poopy to take off. Her diaper is too full.

The woman next to me attempts to regain my attention but I am too busy blasting the funniest texts off to multiple people. “Plane too poopy :( plane too poopy :( plane too poopy :(“ I copy and paste to every three person groupchat in my phone. After forty minutes, we’re forced to evacuate the S.S. Dave Matthews. I tell the woman in 12C I’ll ask the desk for wheelchair assistance for her before I go, racing up the jet bridge to ask for feedback from my dad. “Didn’t you LAUGH at my JOKES?” I ask him on the phone, the source of my humor. The king of comedy. The phone crackles and I’m unable to hear his response. I roll my eyes, constantly desperate for my dad’s approval, and hang up. He responds with a photo of cousin Eddie yelling “shitters full.” I’m placated for now. Poop gate has passed and we’re ready to board.

We take our seats again and my 12C comrade immediately starts chatting up a storm. Striker is her grandsons name. Her son bought a convertible for $2,000. This plane is old. Her kids are mostly in Iowa. My face is open, my head is nodding, my mouth engaged. “I can’t stop thinking about what our teacher said,” I tell Marc on the bus home after clown class. “I’m naturally curious and excited but I also punish myself for having no boundaries. I’m angry all the time. I want to be alone all the time. I don’t know what’s really me.”

The woman nearby attempts to show me a photo of her grandkids as I write and I stop to look. To listen. To be held in a conversation I’m not sure will end. The silent man asleep in the uber, the woman telling me every facet of her life - both an unexpected intrusion I widdle myself down to make room for. “Femmes are conditioned to be open,” as if I am something I can’t control. My kindness an open caged door I find it impossible to fly out of. “Write about poop gate,” my friend Alex says and so I do. It begins as a bit and ends far away from the joke it started as. The mask it served as.

Potentially, I am a stone still able to be chiseled into something else.

There is no telling if the urge would hit me had I not been hit with a deadline. Alas, I had. And as a child, if I had known my access to Tobey Maguire would soon be cut off, I would have been livid. “Don’t tread on me!” I would have yelled. “Paws off MY illegal poker wielding prince!” Paying homage to little Meg, I savored the opportunity to reunite with the 2002 Sam Raimi trilogy. In my reverence, I noticed something I had never thought of before.

Green Goblin Did 9/11

I am firmly convinced Green Goblin did 9/11. I understand there are a few holes in this theory, he’s fictional, but the longer I think about it, the more I see how full proof this cover up was. Beloved American Billionaire Gone Rogue, Bad Behavior Blamed on Foreign Influence? The Washington Post would have a field day!! I know, I know. “He consistently lost to a child Meg, how could he effectively take out the twin towers?” With ambition and the help of the American Government, that’s how.

Backstory

Norman Osborn is a daddy issues boy. He watched his loser, abuser father fail and thought “I need to do 9/11.” The only way to do this, of course, was to get super rich and become a household name. He made a deal with the devil, which included literally selling his son’s soul, and Oscorp Industries thrived as a result. The devil was like “don’t worry, you’re not going to remember this,” and Norman thought “sure! have Harry’s soul!” You’re telling me someone that evil isn’t capable of committing a national tragedy?

Reasoning

General consensus is Oscorp Industries was founded sometime around the early 2000’s. Comic book nerds can fact check me on this one, but that is what Marvel Universe Wiki says so I am standing by it. Primarily, the corporation specialized in robotics and chemical manufacturing but has been known to dabble in military research and weapons development. Unsurprisingly, defense contractors profited off the Iraq War.

Simple. Period. That was his motive. Greed begets greed. And now he’s somewhere flying around on his ripstick in the sky making billions off the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Sam Raimi’s Trilogy

Sam Raimi’s trilogy was created as an ode to the American patriotism that surfaced following 9/11. The country needed a hero to rally around and a cause to unite over and that man, outside of George W Bush, was going to be fictional Marvel character Spiderman, who’s approval rating far surpassed 90%. The teaser trailer for Spiderman planted the evidence before our eyes, a helicopter AND the Twin Towers. You can’t tell me Green Goblin didn’t see that trailer and think “yeah… I’ve got some ideas.”

Norman spends most of his time bobbing and weaving through iconic New York buildings, maneuvering Times Square during Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Parade. In this scene, he zips around 1 Times Square and exacts revenge on the board members who wronged him, turning them to dust with his Pumpkin Balls of Destruction. The balcony they stand on, having been blown up, immediately crumbles with a screaming Mary Jane begging for Harry to help her. This proves two things.

1. Norman has the capacity to destroy buildings

2. Harry Osborne is my least favorite character

Following? Okay? Do you get it? He has motive to profit off the Iraq War and he has means, his Pumpkin Balls of Destruction. There’s even a scene where New Yorkers align themselves against Green Goblin, pelting him with soda cans from the Queensboro bridge yelling “if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.” They wouldn’t want this guy out of their city unless he did 9/11 or was from the Midwest!!!

I fear for what he will do to 1 World Trade Center in the upcoming Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

The Comics

Most notably is Green Goblin’s fascist arc creating the Dark Avengers. After Tony Stark failed to do anything as head of S.H.I.E.L.D, Norman Osborn was placed in a position of power leading H.A.M.M.E.R, a CIA equivalent. Here, he created an entire paramilitary evil Avenger group. Huh, aren’t there theories 9/11 was a false flag operation conducted by the CIA and Israel? And now he RUNS the CIA? Makes you think…

Now rebranded IRON PATRIOT (!!!), Green Goblin sported a red, white, and blue themed Iron Man suit. After getting rich off 9/11 and using his resources to fund an Oscorp equipped Dark Avengers police force on the street, Osborn assumed complete control and dominance over America. Like, sorry - he got richer AND he got more powerful? Yeah, this guy did more than just sell his son’s soul to the devil (he did 9/11).

Standby for my next article: “Why the Joker killed Charlie Kirk.”

Unemployment has revealed to me that I am, above all else, useless. The amount of internet deep dives that have kept me up range from horrific to masochistic and none of them have bettered my psyche. Reading every At Risk dog bio in New York, compiling a 84 page powerpoint to explain Summer House to friends. I looked up a Ken Burns documentary one night at 2AM and that alone felt sufficient enough to file under “learning.” The War felt summarized in title. I didn’t need to watch it to get that one.

Because heaven forbid I better myself with knowledge.

The latest tangent from reality has had me in a chokehold for over 24 hours. And now, at the time of writing and editing, it has been a month. Blush Blush, a Dating game playable on PC, serves as the final push for suicidal people. Imagine the horniest person in the world became CEO of Neopets and rebranded it for Lindsey Straube’s audience, an author of a book where a female protagonist has her pelvis shattered by a shape shifting snake. Blush Blush is not too far off from this. Basically in the game, you click on manimals (not misspelled) until they turn from a rooster into a human and talk about their penis. The penis isn’t furry anymore, guys!! They want you to know that!!

The first night I downloaded the game, I left my computer running over night. I needed to save up money because suddenly, every item cost over a million dollars. I fell asleep furiously clicking on Volks and lied to Elsie about when I went to bed. Famously, she said “watching you play is like watching someone relapse.”

There are too many things I want to say about this game. I will start at the beginning.

The plot begins as such. You, a Zoo attendant, are passing out magical water that turns men into animals. The game indicates this has happened before but nobody cared enough to stop it from happening again. It’s up to you, a genderless marshmallow, to change them back with your sex appeal and cash flow from the five hundred jobs you work. At some of these jobs, you make $1.25 thousand dollars a minute. And you think that would be enough but somehow, it’s not.

There are twelve manimals total but of course, you can unlock more with real, American money.

Nimh, the first manimal, is a virginal bunny who indicates he has never laid eyes on a woman despite being an animal famously known for fucking. With Nimh, similar to every manimal, you start as adversaries before leveling up to eventual lovers through various actions. Take them on a date, buy them a coffee, click on them incessantly over and over to earn hearts. Whatever you do, you will be aware of the fact you’re wasting precious moments of your life playing a furry game at age 32. It’s awesome. You have to keep going.

After Nimh comes Volks, resident bad boy turned wolf who would gleefully kill you given the chance. Unlike Nimh, who’s defining characteristic is making a noise akin to cumming everytime you click him, Volks growls anytime your mouse hovers. Much like my third boyfriend, he would not care if I lived or died. Much like my first boyfriend, he’s an asshole.*

* (The point of this game is to relive trauma)

**(Want to clarify: I have not dated a furry. I just play a lot of Toontown).

Similar to Nimh, Volks’ relationship with you levels up based on how much you do for him. The boys start off low maintenance, demanding coffee or a date to the boathouse, but then begin asking for ludicrous things as the game goes on. You want to work your way up the crush ladder? Buy them 500 drones. You want to be their non gendered, marshmallow partner? Buy them 1 million coffees. “Well that sucked,” Eli says after you buy him 45 hammocks. They never indicate what they’re going to do with the absurd amount of merch, they just demand with no end in sight.

And no, they will not buy you anything in return. Yes, you will carry out these activities because you haven’t left the house in a week (I’m unemployed).

After friendzone, the next logical step is “awkward bestie.” To unlock awkward bestie, you have to pass the below screen grab. At this point, I am faced with the truth that yes, I’m playing a furry game. Even worse, I am so invested I already know I will play this game to the end. I have to know what the other manimals look like. Because let me tell you, the kiss section is.. tame.

The farther I get into the game, the more the game entices me to start over as a means of speeding up time. “C’monnn if you start over now, you’ll make double the money.” “C’monn if you start over now, you’ll unlock jobs faster.” I don’t even hesitate, I start over after almost a WEEK OF PLAY. That’s right guys, I don’t even want to tell you how long I’ve been on this game. I will though, because I believe in honesty (a month).

Sunk cost fallacy be damned, the more time I spend on something, the more obsessive I get. Manimal after manimal begin pouring in and suddenly, it’s a barnyard buffet. Kelby, a rooster turned lifeguard, is the third boy added to the Maniverse and he wants you in SHAPE. Alongside spending billions on these guys to enhance your one sided relationship, you also have to work on yourself as a person - something I hate doing in real life. Kelby wants you at level 4 healthy and level 7 smart but Kelby better know his fucking place because he’s competing with up to TWELVE manimals to kiss me.

Gay pegasus Eli arrives followed by Garret the bull followed by every-ex-I’ve-ever-had-Anon. Anon is a Scottish lemur who works in tech and famously, almost everyone I’ve dated worked in tech. While on Facetime, Elsie said he looked like one particular ex due to the fact Anon had “no shoulders.” Each man comes with a “stats” tab which solidified our belief Anon is not too far off from “no shoulders” ex. Anon is 5’9, a hacker, loves video games, and is obsessed with Pizza. Mind you, this IS a cartoon animal, so take what I say with a grain of salt but… this is the kind of vibe of most of my previous partners :/

I largely avoid interacting with Anon for these reasons.

Around the time he’s introduced into the game another, crazier concept happens. The real world is established and a mysterious phone you’ve always had begins buzzing. Real men (NOT manimals) text you throughout the game and almost EVERY one of them is texting because they heard you’re some mythological creature who’s crazy good in bed. The goal of this segment of the game is to acquire three compromising photos of these men before the game CHARGES YOU TO CONTINUE TALKING TO THEM. You can pay diamonds, a currency in the game, OR you can pay actual money. I’m not sure how much Blush Blush in particular has made, but the game has 14k followers and the company has brought in over 800k in revenue. Sex sells, guys - but not real life sex no way that’d be fucked. up. Furry porn only.

THAT’S where the money’s at.

By far the most uncomfortable of the men texting you in this simulation is your Boss. He is angry you’ve stopped working, attempts to extort you, and then sexually harasses you nonstop. Essentially, he’s so mad you quit and almost caused the zoo a lawsuit that he is unable to keep his shirt on. I feel like more explanation is necessary here but there really isn’t one. I wish this man was real so I could take him to court.

Any normal person would stop at this point. You’ve unlocked most of the manimals, you’ve unlocked the texting portion, there’s not much more to the game outside of uncovering more manimals. It’s repetitive, it’s useless, it’s a waste of time. Sadly, I’m addicted.

During my first play through, this is the part of the game I stalled out at. I was only able to unlock Boar Dmitri and famous video streamer/pink tiger Ichiban before realizing I was unable to advance without starting over. It took too long to accumulate money in game and the reset promised 6.54x faster speed on jobs. Plus, one of Dmitri’s requirements to level up is reseting FIFTEEN. TIMES.

If I couldn’t spend money on the manimals, I would never advance past boyfriend/girlfriend. And if I never get past boyfriend/girlfriend, I would never unlock the wildest graphic thus far. It’s important for ME to unlock the wildest graphic thus far. It’s integral to my growth as a person. My old company motto was “lead with curiosity” and I got laid off from that job before I could put those words in action. Thus, I’m cashing in two years later.

May I present: the actual transformation process. The moment animal… becomes man…

I don’t have a goal at this point in my gameplay outside of uncovering what all the men look like. I mention this to Elsie and tell her “I could just Google the results” and she makes a good point. “Can you even find photos of the men? I doubt it. I think no one would post about this game because they’re probably deeply ashamed.”

Sadly, I calculate the amount of time it would take to get me out of my Blush Blush phase and the result is.. harrowing. For example, piece of shit Anon demands he wants 69 drones - priced at 2 Billion each - if I want to get the lemur ears off him. It takes me an entire day to raise 1 billion dollars indicating it would take me nine months to reach the price point needed to purchase said drones. I am not wasting half a year de-furrifying these guys dicks. 69 drones = 138 billion dollars = 276 days.

Who are you, Obama?

I want to cut corners - nay - I need to cut corners if I am ever going to be out of my Blush Blush phase. But still, a part of me genuinely believes I can do it. I can warp the fabric of time to bend to my will and not use my new power in a useful way, like going back in time and carrying out an assassination, but can use this new power to unlock all Blush Blush men overnight. William requires level 32 peaceful to unlock. Myx: 35 creative. Stirling: 44 observant and Scale: 50 discipline. They are apples in the Garden of Eden and I’m a hungry Eve chewing on dirt. How desperate am I for paradise? How obsessed am I with acquiring every last tidbit of Blush Blush knowledge? I move the game to the trash bin, hover over emptying trash, and chicken out at the last minute. Surely, if I leave the game running over night, I will have unlocked the boys by the morning?

The next day, I go into the trash bin and drag the game back to my desktop. 24 hours later, I have unlocked NO NEW MANIMAL.

I reach my breaking point. I Google “all of the boys in blush blush” and unlock a Wiki showing their photos. This is how I imagine Jesus felt finding a cactus to suck on after 40 days and 40 nights in the desert because hunny, I’m quenched. The most exciting news I learn? Stirling, one of the aforementioned manimals who I did not unlock, is a snake who doubles as an ice skating vampire.

Other interesting news? Anon seems to be a fan favorite.

That’s right, the Blush Blush community is alive and active. People are so involved with the 2019 game, they post various drawings, musings, and merch dedicated to Blush Blush on Reddit. They have KEYCHAINS of the boys. They have fan art of the boys kissing. They have requests for body pillows they quote “can’t say what they’d do with.” I pour over this thread at 1AM alone in my room and feel like I should be arrested for what I’m reading.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It is, after all, a furry game.

In conclusion, Blush Blush is exactly what you expect it to be: a mind numbing experience with pretty colors and repetitive motions. It is the perfect game for gambling addicts because you are never destined to win yet think you will if you just keep pulling the lever. I want to say something nice about Blush Blush but, much like a slot machine, if I sit for a minute and reflect on the time I’ve put into this game, I will be legitimately disappointed in myself. So I choose not to. And I choose, bravely, to uninstall it from my desktop <3

Happy pride month ya’ll (Google said furries don’t count but I’m posting this on June 1st and there is quote “significant overlap with the LGBTQ community").

Reviews of the game:

“easy mindless game for when your brain is dead and cute boys, whats not to like?” - tamarastacey

“if you wanna be my lover you must purchase a multimillion dollar watch and take me on no less than 6 roller coaster dates. don't settle” - sparrow

And, the one I relate to most:

“I DON'T EVEN LIKE MEN” - CrowWasHere24

* Editor’s Note: don’t worry. I got a job.

** Editor’s Note: I can’t promise it will stop me from doing shit like this in the future, though.

The paper people, if you must know, were colored blue and pink (NO! SAME! SEX!)

The big question of 2026 is “are you sure they’re your person?” A slew of marriage focused media - from horror to psychological torture (A24) - has been posing this question for a few months: what makes a soulmate? It started with Something Very Bad is Going to Happen, a Netflix show I had to binge in 24 hours before they kicked me off my parent’s account, and has recently been rounded out by the Drama, an A24 movie that is.. intense.

After I finished Something Very Bad is Going to Happen, I called everyone to ask if their partner was the elusive one. The premise of the show is you must be certain your spouse is your soulmate otherwise, you die. For somebody who’s desperate to die (me) and doubles as a hopeless romantic (tragedy) the answer is easy. My friends, however, varied. “If your life depended on it, would you feel confident marrying them?” I asked many in a manic, 2 AM text. Most said no which, fair.

Post Drama, I’m once again wondering how to know if they’re the ~oNe~

I am a recovering romantic. After being told “sometimes love isn’t enough” in my last breakup, I no longer know what is enough in a relationship. And since I have been told I am not the proponent of a relationship that makes it enough, I have embarked on a journey trying to figure out what makes a soul mate. Is it choice? Is it a cosmic bond? Most importantly, when do you know someone is not the one? What is the definitive moment that breaks the ties that bind?

While Something Very Bad is Going to Happen insists the phenomenon of a soulmate is decided by fate, The Drama emphasizes choice. In my personal opinion, it highlights two types of everlasting love: romance and friendship. Thus, I’ve conducted a poll to see how the people I’ve known longest in life would score on a test I call: the Drama.

The Hypothetical:
- Romance: What would you do if your partner admitted they were going to do a school shooting at age 15 three days before your wedding?

-Friendship: What would you do if I admitted to planning a school shooting at 15 three days before my wedding?

The answers: surprisingly more on par than I expected.

Starting from the top:
Dad (32 years known) on Romance: *laughs* “you interrupted dinner to ask this question?” Editor’s note: he is apparently at dinner with my aunt and uncle, who he says would “probably say the same thing.”

”I wouldn’t get married without a psych evaluation,” he says. In response to me clarifying the wedding is in three days so he has to giddy up, he says “I’m not getting married in three days, I’d probably slow that baby down.”

Dad (32 years known) on Friendship (I guess? Or me as his kid idk): “I’m golfing right now.”
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Mom (32 years known): Did not pick up. Probably good, considering mental health makes her “uncomfortable.”
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Kellie (sister, 32 years known) on Romance: “I would be shocked that didn’t come out beforehand. That’s so hard I think it’s too nuanced for me to give an opinion on to be honest,” mind you she’s married but she said she can’t even entertain the hypothetical. “If my partners giving any hints of weirdness I’d say we need to go to therapy.” She says she would need a minute before wedding.

Kellie (32 years known) on Friendship (obligation: sister): “You tell me three days before your wedding? I mean, okay. Idk why you’d wait three days before but that’s your decision,.” I’m expecting a nice “I love you, you’re my sister” but all I get is “I know you, you’re okay.”

——————————————————————————————
Molly (29 years known) on Romance: “I love my partner, of course I’d marry her.”

Molly (29 years known) on Friendship: “I wouldn’t be surprised if you said that,” *Editor’s note: Molly takes every opportunity to diss me. Keep in mind when considering me as a person. “I’d mostly be mad I didn’t know since I’ve known you my whole life.”

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Hannah (28 years known) on Romance and Friendship: “In both scenarios if therapy was involved, I wouldn’t be concerned about it.”

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Nish (14 years known): “I’m at the mall.” Forgot to follow up

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Elena ( 14 years known) : “I want to go to the mall.” We are on a group call. No one is paying attention.

Elena (now back on topic) re: Romance: “I don’t think I’d actually freak out. Your brains not even developed at fourteen and she clearly did the work to become a gun advocate”

Elena (14 years known) about Friendship: “I don’t think I’d be surprised honestly.” Suspicious. Know it’s a joke but starting to wonder what vibe I give off. “I think if you told me it wouldn’t be that big of a deal”

—————————————————————————————-

Elsie (13 years known minus 5 where we didn’t speak) on Romance: “hopefully he got the help he got so he’s not in that space - kids can be cruel and I’d feel bad he felt pushed to do that.”

Elsie (13 years known minus 5 where we didn’t speak) on Friendship: “is it selfish to ask if we went to the same school? I just feel like kids are so misunderstood and things are the end of the world to them. I know you wouldn’t do that now.” Guess my vibes are historically terrible.

—————————————————————————————-

Marc (14 years known) on Romance: “School shooters are radicalized by the internet I can’t hold it against her. She was obviously depressed, it’s one of the biggest reasons working class people likely do that.”

Marc (14 years known) on Friendship: “my special love isn’t reserved my significant other. I would respond the same way. Also, why are you asking for this very specific question?” I skirt the question because I don’t want to spoil the movie.

We then sang How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees before he asked if I wanted to come over for spaghetti (I did).
—————————————————————————————-
Laura (10 years known) on Romance: “You know, that’s the thing - objectively what everyone else did had consequences but this person learned to be a better person because of their flaws. In this scenario I’d need more information but I’d still get married.”

Laura (10 years known) on Romance: “Again, I would still ask for more context but I’d still be your maid of honor. I wouldn’t stop being your friend.”

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Alex (9 years known) on Romance: Took a minute for him to answer seriously. Par for the course. “Literally they were 20 years younger, that’s not the same person. Everyone is insane when they are teens. Seriously, what does this have to do with soulmates?”

Alex (9 years known) on Friendship: “That’s not the worst thing I could possibly know about you.” When I ask him to clarify, he sends a 2 minute voice memo: “Seriously, I don’t know like maybe you killed my dad or you have an actual, current plot to murder me. I can think of 1 million scenarios.”

—————————————————————————————-

Jackson (8 years known) on Romance: “I was just on the phone with Rosa and she overheard this voice note and said “that’s the plot of The Drama!” and I immediately hung up.”

Jackson (after they’ve settled down): “My nature is to say I would break it off. The three days before the wedding is the key part for me because I don’t know that I would be operating with a rational brain. If they demonstrated ways they’ve changed then maybe but probably a dealbreaker I didn’t know before.”

Jackson (8 years known) on Friendship: “I’d be concerned but I think you could sell me that you’ve changed a lot since then.”

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Becky (7 years known) on Romance: “I respect their right to grow and change but I can’t be the one.”

Becky (7 years known) on Friendship: “Huge conversation but probably would go through with it and spend 6 months after distant and processing.”

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Lillian (5 years known) on Romance: “I feel like if i know someone well enough to marry them i’m not gonna be worried about their troubled 15-year-old past!!”

Lillian (5 years known) on Friendship: “If it was your specifically I’d be like “damn that’s crazy, see you at the wedding!” But I probably wouldn’t have you pet sit anymore.”

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Rebecca (1 year known) on Romance: “Absolutely not.” When Jon (2 years of friendship) asks if she’d be open to it if her partner had done the work to heal, she reiterates. “And my partner is a cis white man? Absolutely not.” I agree with her that I’d only be okay with it if my partner was a woman.

Rebecca (1 year known) on Friendship: Hesitantly says she’d still be my friend. Get the vibe it would result in distance, though.

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Christine (Roommate, new relationship. Less than a year known) on Romance: “I think I would hyper fixate like her fiancé’s character due to my anxiety but I wouldn’t fault for her if she didn’t do it. She made friends and rose above depression.”

Christine (Roommate, new relationship. Less than a year known) on Friendship: “I’d hyper fixate on it but I wouldn’t determine that you were a bad person.” Touched by this sentiment considering we are new friends. “These thoughts or intentions happen so often in all of us ESPECIALLY at that age. People don’t talk to kids enough of about angst, depression, and intrusive thoughts. There’s so much I’m internally embarrassed about at age 16.”

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In conclusion, everyone agrees. Alana Haim was the villain.

on a surface level, my relationship with bieber was the same as every other person. love him, hate him, love him, hate him. it spanned over a decade and a lot of it, the negative press he received from myself, always followed other’s opinions. it was cringe to like bieber as a young girl who was ~different~ from other girls. this was (duh) internalized misogyny, but i had zero insight at age 12. i was “not like the other girls” - an easy phrase I used to write off parts of myself i couldn’t understand. i couldn’t claim bieber and also have crushes on solely gay men. i couldn’t be that obvious with how obvious i was. the hate ran deep because i was a woman and a queer. i despised the former and had no idea about the latter. the call was coming from inside the house.

bieber had zero chance against a nation plagued by the patriarchy — a sweet, innocent boy posting Youtube videos in 2007 vs. a tyrannical machine. he catapulted to fame in a society desperate for a heart throb to latch on to outside the jonas brothers. our older sister’s had NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, a group declared as “masculine” per my sister in law, and millenials leaned more soft. their generation had the “bad boys,” men dressed in streetwear ready to pull you into a whirlwind of club love affairs, and we had the actual boy next door, the ones who pined. it was a curveball shift to culture and society fuddled over how to accept it.

were the one direction boys gay? probably. was justin bieber receptive to the f-slur? well, he better be. hate poured in from all sides and a large part of that was fueled by men. the understanding of man as men was expanding to be more inclusive and, in some ways, bieber was the paradigm of that shift. he was the overwhelming catalyst that tipped the scale from old to new. we couldn’t have this little guy girl be the face young girls dreamed of as they laid their head down to rest at night. we needed to shame them out of this pseudo-gay obsession with this pseudo-male lesbian. i mean he looked like ellen degeneres. the public couldn’t have YOUR daughter dreaming about lesbian star ELLEN DEGENERES (sadly, I agree with the homophobes here).

the hate was overnight and overwhelming and seemingly out of nowhere. countries got involved. celebrities got involved. everybody and their mother had a take on this innocent, crooning child. the case of disdain was so airtight, society leaned in hard when he became the villain, both for legitimate reasons and innocuous ones. people were placated — they always knew he was evil, they just couldn’t figure out why. couldn’t examine what seeds gave growth to their bias nor understand why they rooted for the downfall of a thirteen year old boy. all they knew was they were finally justified in their (h)ate(omophobia) and they walked away pleased with the “jokes” they made.

i, like almost any queer person in the world, could not escape my fascination with biebz. i didn’t know if i wanted to kiss him, be him, or throw him off a building. one minute, i thought i was the only person who might understand him. the next, i was disgusted with him to the point of repulsion. when he messed up, i felt disappointed - as if I was the one letting everyone down.

“he’s the unholy combo of meme and amazing talent,” my friend marc texted in 2015. “of zero self awareness and absurd confidence.”

Purpose came out around that time and we pregamed almost every weekend to “what do you mean?” before getting absolutely obliterated at DC’s. it was the fall of my senior year and i was drinking too hard, smoking too much, and being too much all the time. i had zero self awareness. i was absurdly confident. i was overcompensating and shitty and terrified to graduate college.

soon, i would leave the state that bound me to my family, my friends and the final tether of my youth would snap. it was a thread i’d been unwinding for years, a distance pushed farther and further between who i was and who i would be, and i had no idea what i would become when the string fully unfurled. i went on birth control, i had sex, i came out as gay - all the things my catholic parents were surprisingly unnerved by - and i was the one who had the most difficulty swallowing all of this. i was the one shaken by change. “justin bieber rebel era,” i yelled as i slammed tequila shots and coped by passing out in bushes.

in the midst of this, justin bieber posted a photo of him in calvin klein boxers. i zoomed in and out on this photo of him and wanted nothing else but to look like bieber in that moment, nothing else but to be completely enamored with myself posting underwear photos on main.

“FUCK IT,” i texted marc. “i got a bieber cut.”

i never felt cooler than i did in that moment when i had the bieber cut, the edgy short hair with a way too expensive dye job. i was still a few years off from understanding what gender meant to me but whatever it was, i knew it was justin bieber. knew if i ever filled out the gender section on a job application, i’d leave room for “shithead with swagger, who women adore.” it seems like for most, gender identity starts with a haircut. for me, that was absolutely the case. it was liberating, it was enticing, it was the closest i’d felt to being myself. in 2026, it seems he’s doing the same for others.

which brings us to today, to the controversial coachella set that he only got away with because he’s a man. “lazy,” some say. “what the fuck,” icon zara larsson says. and yes, it should absolutely be a talking point for the double standard women have to face, but i, personally, loved the performance. i loved the ode to his former self - almost as if now that he is a father, he understands he was just a kid when this all started. i can imagine most child stars are often running from the place where it began, where they took off and took orbit in a world that loved them until it didn’t.

i have a hard time forgiving myself for my past. i carry a lot of shame for things i did in my twenties and a lot of shame still (at times) for being gay (annoying it’s still here years later but alas). self loathing shaves my days down into filler episodes, TV moments i let friends know they can skip, and no juicy episodes exist, anymore. i don’t allow myself to exist in any capacity because i am plagued with guilt, i am haunted by mistakes and bridges i’ve burned. and maybe that’s what i adored about bieber’s performance, the need to embrace it all. the need to play a video of him running in to a glass door or yelling at papparazi. it was stripped down and simplistic, a filler episode pointing out our past is ours to forgive.

i once saw hanif abdurraqib discuss “it’s not about separating the art from the artist, it’s about separating the memory from the art.” that’s a lot of what justin bieber is for me - someone who serves as a cornerstone of my childhood and a milestone of my queer identity. “remember when both of us defended the shit out of justin bieber?” an ex once wrote on my wall in 2013. this was at the height of a bieber spiral and we had just left a party where somebody had brought up whatever scandal he was recently embroiled in. we fought all the time but for once, we were in agreement. for once, we waved a white flag over somebody we both wanted to be for different reasons.

“belieber till death do us part,” i responded.

**EDIT: I’m adding a photo I spent $20 on of me next to a cardboard cutout of J Biebz. I went on March for Life and bought a Virginity Rocks t-shirt and was superimposed in front of a Roe V. Wade march. It’s kinda the funniest thing in the world to me.

It’s been two years since my series of losses but still, they haunt me. Like a tree stump tangled in grass I trip over every time I walk uphill. I catch my foot on one piece of the past and fall down the stairs, unable to catch myself on the railing. Each step crashes into each other and ultimately, reminds me of reasons why I’m unable to do it. Why I’m unable to pick myself up. You’re unlovable, you’re incapable, you’re all alone all alone all alone.

In this string of misfortunes, I got waitlisted for a full ride MFA and was subsequently rejected. Not the biggest thing, but still something that happened during my Bad Time. Before that, I wrote all. the. time. I used to post immediately and didn’t care who hated my writing and didn’t care if it was perfect or polished because I was proud of it. Now, I toil. Now, I tirelessly edit every word I write. If it’s not perfect, I spend months rewriting it until I abandon it. A Google doc of 26 words exists with the same essay I have tried to write for almost a year and have failed to perfect. “I can’t write until I move past the breakup,” I tell my friends when they say just start again. “I can’t write until I have perfectly captured the moment my life see-sawed for the worst.”

The only thing that doesn’t make me feel hopeless is a good soundtrack. Like Achilles dipped in the river Styx, anchoring his soul to his heel, my soul is anchored to music - the only thing that makes me feel less alone when I’m at my lowest. I like to walk with the sun on my face and imagine a scenario where I am in love. Or I’m tragically heartbroken. Or I see myself in reflective glass and think damn, has New York really done that much for my ass?? Okay. Maybe I’ll stay.

I love to curate the soundtrack to my life a lá Liz Buxbaum and love to share them with my friends. There is something romantic about burning CDs for your crush, slipping them in their high school locker, and waiting for feedback on their thoughts. I loved to arrange the songs like a story, putting together the ones that sounded best, making sure they knew Track 3 was always the one that made me think of them. I miss making playlists for people. Even when they don’t listen to them, it’s a labor of love that makes me feel giddy.

I went back to Iowa two weeks ago. I said it was to recharge but really, it was to retreat. I got laid off and rarely keep a job and this was the first one that felt adjacent to somewhere I’d like to go. Somewhere I could use my creativity. I reminded myself “this is why you don’t hope.” “This is why you never get too close to the sun you stupid fucking Icarus.” But I did. My life was disrupted (again). Then I saw a woman with the voice of an angel sing Black Velvet at a seedy dive bar in the middle of Iowa and it served as a reminder to do the things I love because I love them. To ignore everything else and bask in the glow of music and, most importantly, WRITE.

So I am here writing. Not editing. I will not edit, if I am consistent enough with this, and will try to put out a playlist of songs I am vibing with on (realistically) a monthly basis if the mood strikes me. You already know where I’ve picked up the first song. A lot of these are just my current vibe which I would coin: I Just Found A Natty Light Outside in the Snow After a College Party. Beer is Still Cold. Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Me. I’m Going to Drink it And Head to the Bar at 8AM.

I don’t have a specific photo of the Natty Light Bush from College (that was real) but here’s a meme from around that time.

I’ll get better at the name. That’s just a very Midwest March to me. Healthy mix of fuck em/want em back/let’s ball. Buckcherry after RAYE is simply *chefs kiss* to me.

P.S. If you can’t tell by all the Greek mythology, I recently read Percy Jackson. It whips.

P.S.S. Here’s a link to the photo I use with this post.

Whom amongst us has been watching Mike Flanagan’s new show, hmm? Is it you? Because I am dying to talk about it. Be noted, I am only on episode 6, but damn he’s done it again. I’d say in the Mike Flanagan universe, this isn’t my favorite, but how are we going to beat what has come before.

We are so close to having gone through the alphabet one time around on NOW PLAYING and that’s so exciting! I can’t imagine there’s many V, W, X, and Z shows but there ARE a few U shows and today’s is going to be Ugly Betty. I never saw Ugly Betty as a kid but really wanted to. Given the extremely colorful palette it’s rocking, today is my redemption arc in finally watching the ABC classic.

Toting a four season run, Ugly Betty starred America Ferrera, Mark Indelicato, Ana Ortiz, and more. It premiered on September 28, 2006 and ran until April 2010 with a 97% Rotten Tomatoes score. Truly, the people I know who have watched the show do sing its praises, and its media coverage falls in line with said songs.

The show focuses on the life of “wannabe-writer” (Same) Betty Suarez who lands an assistant job at a fashion magazine despite her heinous wardrobe. Okay, Devil Wears Prada much? Love it.

Plus, it’s also set in New York City, soooo..

Sorry for the week long delay on this. I’ve been trying to figure out a new way to jazz up the Now Playing newsletter that’s going STEADY with a 147 subscriber viewership and am not sure how to do that!!!!!!!!! I am open to suggestions!!!!!!!

Betty, in a tweed blazer, is all big smiles in the lobby of Meade Publications. A fashionably tall girl sits down next to her in a poncho which Betty immediately compliments to no avail. The girl scoffs and says it’s from Dolce & Gabbana. When the guy calls her name and stands up, he gets a good look at her and denies her the job straight up. She doesn’t take no for an answer, chasing him up the stairs saying she loves to read their publications, and really keeps hitting it over the head. Overhead, an older man sees her tell all of her qualifications and watches as the man closes the doors on Betty.

At home, Betty’s sister and father are asking about her interview and she fumbles. Her dad is like but you’re so qualified!!! Maybe you’ll get it next time, this is your dream! Her sister has a pick me up though and asks her son to tell Betty what he overheard the other night. Namely, Betty’s boyfriend on the phone was telling someone that “she’s the one” and now they’re all excited at the prospect of him proposing.

Oh boy. He’s cheating, isn’t he?

Betty’s very excited Walter may propose and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Walter. He hands Betty some electronic before asking Betty if she’d like to talk. He invites her outside and romantic music starts playing. On the TV, a man reports the Editor in Chief of Mode Magazine was passed over for Daniel Meade, the son of publications owner Daniel Meade.

It’s TIM FROM the L WORD!!!! LMFAO!

He’s asleep in his chair when his dad barges in asking how he likes his new office at Mode Magazine. Daniel is a bit of a playboy and his dad walks in on his assistant giving him head and he’s like no, no no. That’s not going to work.

Meanwhile, at Betty’s - you guessed it - Walter is in love with someone else. Some girl named Gina. She’s very nice about this breakup, nicer than I’d be, and he wishes her good luck with everything before sauntering off. Betty eats a whole pie while her nephew answers the phone to Meade publications. Betty’s got the job!!!

Thank God ONE THING is going in her favor. She’s going to be assistant to the Editor in Chief.

Her nephew is like here? This magazine? Do you have anything fashionable? And she goes actually, I do AND WEARS THE PONCHO FROM GUADALAJARA!

This show is comical.

The woman at the desk asks if she’s the Before. Like in a before and after shoot. She says no I work here I’m the new assistant to the Editor in Chief and this woman’s face is intrigued. She’s Amanda and she says assistants usually get there before their bosses so she better show up early. Betty says this is her first real job and Amanda’s smile is tight. She was told she didn’t have enough experience for this job. Betty goes to the conference room and walks right in to a glass pane. Daniel turns around amidst the meeting he’s running and asks if she’s ok before Wilhelmina bursts in with a gift for his, a nice, fancy crystal thing. Wilhelmina, played by Vanessa Williams, is the chief antagonist of this series - the formerly disgraced Editor in Chief at Mode. Daniel thanks her for her first day gift but says she got her name wrong. Wilhelmina takes the reigns immediately and there’s tension between the two of them and it’s certain she’s’ “my way or the highway.”

Betty taps Daniels shoulders and introduces herself saying she’s her new assistant.

Meanwhile, Wilhelmina’s assistant is giving her botox in her office. She’s complaining about Daniel and asks Mark, her assistant, if it’s because she’s getting old and he says no. Daniel is going to fall flat on his face with that new assistant. Betty’s at her desk researching Fabia for Daniel, whatever that means. Her and Amanda are bonding over some photographer Phillipe and Amanda’s like he’s great. She gives the lowdown which is that Daniel hooked up with Phillipe’s ex and also Amanda dated Phillipe. Mama Mia. Daniel tells Wilhelmina he knows she doesn’t want him there, does Phillipe have any new ideas? Daniel thinks she’s trying to sabotage him. Betty asks Daniel if he wants lunch and she digs herself a grave kind of implying Phillipe stole someone else’s idea before excusing herself. Phillipe chews Daniel out for hiring her because she’s ugly and insists he should beat Betty’s morale out of her.

Stop ! With the Hostile! Work Place! Environments!!!!

Not yet because you thought Amanda and Betty were friends but when Betty goes to the break room to eat her lunch, everyone stares. Christina goes up to Betty and says she works in the closet as an in house seamstress. She’s bubbly and upbeat and introduces Betty to Zelda and Nancy. They’re the down to Earth people here and Mark tells Amanda “it’s the bizzar-o version of Sex and the City” she says “stop it I’m gagging.”

Obsessed.

Some mysterious man sits next to Head Meade (don’t know his name) saying “nothing to worry about, she’s gone. Closed casket” and he asks the guy to triple check because if the things Faith knows about the company comes out, he’s screwed.

Plot thickens!

Daniel calls Betty and rides her ass about lunch. He says he loves Coleslaw but hates Cabbage, can she do something about the dressing and asks if she can do something about it before it gets to room temperature. In a break room, she pulls out all the cabbage, going to bed at 3:00 A.M. You guessed it, it’s montage time, and she’s working HARD for the money, for sure. She’s taking gum off his shoes, picking up calls at night, doing all the Devil Wears Prada things. Her sister calls and says she forgot Dad’s birthday and she’s like I’m sorry, I gotta go. She calls Daniel and says “the Red Turkey” is on the move so he can kick another girl out of his apartment to fuck the new girl. He’s not only forcing Betty to work but leveraging his position to fuck all these girls who he might give the job to.

Betty goes home really late and you can tell Daniel feels a bit bad about this but not really. Betty passes Walter and Gina making out on her way home and it’s just icing on top of the cake for a bad day. Her sister is taking all the decorations down and she says this is the first time since mom died we haven’t all been together since his birthday. Hilda, her sister, says she hopes this is worth it. As she goes to bed, she makes a “Work Ideas” journal and sigh. Girl, same. I also have a work ideas journal but in journalism, they never listen to us!!! It’s never realistic!!!!! This gets me down, having a pitch meeting tomorrow I’m truly burnt out on, but Betty, get yours. Pitch that whatever story and get it bought.

Girlboss your way straight in to the sun.

Daniel gets in to the elevator and Betty tries to talk to him about these new ideas she’s got. He gets off the elevator and keeps strutting his way past the entrance but Betty is persistent. Daniel’s like shit, actually, can you get one of the outfits from upstairs for set? Betty goes to the closet and finds her Irish friend Christina and she asks how Betty’s work life is. Betty admits nothing she does is good enough and that Daniel treats her like dirt. Christina said she overheard people talking and they said Bradford, Daniel’s dad, hired her because he didn’t want Daniel to be tempted to sleep with his assistants and Betty is shaken by this. She’s like oh, wow. I guess I should be grateful at least I got a break. I should be going. She hurries out and sad music plays. Her idea is revealed: her sister’s cosmetic industry that is definitely a MLM scheme.

Girl! That’s not a pitch!

At the photoshoot, everyone is running around and Phillipe tells Daniel the Brazilian model is late. Essentially, Phillipe insists she needs a stand in Latino and points to betty. “Someone with her skin tone” lmfao. Anyways, Daniel asks Betty and she gets nervous and runs away. They all think she quit but she comes out in her leather and poses for Phillipe. People on set are laughing and I feel so bad for her. She’s shorter and bigger and everyone’s laughing as Daniel asks Phillipe to stop shooting. Betty grabs her purse to go and Daniel chases her to apologize but she says point blank: this is what you wanted. Now you don’t have to work with the ugly girl your dad forced you to hire.

Good for her!!! Stand up for yourself!!!

At home, her nephew gives her a pep talk on how her sister wants her to be more realistic and how he thinks she’s full of crap. Two doors down, she spies Walter kissing Gina and she races out of her house to confront him. She throws open the door to Gina straddling some man who is not Walter and Gina’s like he’s over. I told him from the start I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I used him for a discount on a flat screen TV. Betty storms out closing the door behind her, breaking the TV.

At the meeting, Daniel shows Fabia the photos from the shot and she says no, these are fucking stupid and throws M&M’s at him. Wilhelmina smiles, smug, and Daniel is confused. Mark says Fabia’s probably still sensitive about the accident. You didn’t know she backed her SUV in to twelve people at a bar? Wilhelmina was like if I may, you didn’t include me in the concept.

Daniel’s in huge shit.

Fabia’s thinking of pulling advertisement from every magazine. Bradford chews out his son for his decision to work alone on this ad and Daniel is begging for another chance to make this better. Daniel keeps calling Wilhemina but she is not picking up. She is, in fact, sleeping with Phillipe and did indeed sabotage Daniel’s campaign. At the office, Daniel is trying to figure out how he’s going to save face and sees Betty’s proposal on his table. At home, she’s on the phone dealing with the government for her dad’s sake and he’s complimenting her on her tenacity. She’s about to fucking need it because Walter’s at the door begging for her back. She says did you realize this before or after Gina dumped you and he says no, I broke up with her at the same time Daniel shows up. He says he “wants to talk” and apologizes while having a coming to Jesus moment. He’s got no one to blame but himself </3 and she says that’s nice but you’re going to leave here and I’ll still be out of work. She’s like you have no problems like mine you just sleep with models and eat at fancy restaurants but oh no, Daniel DOES have a moment. His brother died and yeah, that doesn’t measure up, but he has trauma, too <3

I want to strangle him.

He says Betty, I saw your ideas. They’re great. I want you to come back and be my assistant. I’m taking your portfolio to Fabia. She stands her ground and says I have to think about it which, that’s what the night is for. She better make a decision by tomorrow. Her dad shuffles in and I’m assuming he’s going to convince her to see the good in this guy’s heart. Go back to the job, sweetheart <3

Aaaand she does because that’s the whole show!

The next day, Fabia is pacing. She’s wondering where Daniel is because he said 10 A.M. - Wilhemina says I am so sorry, let me show you some of my ideas just as Daniel strolls in with a new idea. Betty opens a slideshow of her and her mom and he says “we’re going to focus on mother and daughters because it’s the small moments that matter" and Fabia is like ok, show me the stats. Betty says about 58% of your demographic would be settling down having kids and Fabia’s like sure, that’s fine, I go now. Bradford’s congratulating Daniel but Betty doesn’t take the compliment, deferring it back to him.

The writers are so clearly setting them up to date later and I hate it!!!

Wilhelmina speaks to an unspoken figurehead who says soon they will have control over the company if they can just get rid of Betty.

The plot thickens.

Betty tells Daniel all of the things she has planned for work tomorrow as Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall plays.

They really couldn’t have picked a different song!?

Overall, I’d give this a 9/10. Honestly, I like it. The colors are fun, the costumes are great, and there’s enough mysterious subplots set to be invested in multiple things. They, like it or not, established a couple to root for (I do NOT stan Daniel and Betty but I get their dynamic is stan-able) and have a great set design to establish a bigger world than Devil Wears Prada could play on. This one is more upbeat and lively than the sinister undertones to the perfect 2006 movie. Also, I think I have to legally enjoy this given this is literally how cruel a world journalism is. Unrealistic that Betty, an intern, would sell a pitch on her first day and I got some catharsis watching her get absolutely dunked on in the pilot. Not because I’m a mean, callous person, I just acknowledge I hate my job because journalism is cheap labor. I need someone else to fail to qualm my own failures!!

Sorry, Betty!

Gorgeous Now Playing Hive Rise Up! We stumble yet again in to another week of living Hell (Life) when the weather changes and Yeehaw Meg (Me) gets cranky!!!! I’m fucking pissed!!!!! In actuality, I’m depressed today, but I got through it by watching the baseball scene in Twilight seven times and I’m on the come up! I’m feeling better!

I hope everyone else’s week is going more spectacular than mine!

Fall is always a hard time because my mood (I’m bipolar. No, really). fluctuates GREATLY when November sneaks upon us and I can only really get by day to day if that. I finished a great book today by Ashley Audrain called The Push though and it’s been my saving grace the past five days. I blitzed through this book. If you’re looking for a haunting mystery, I highly recommend.

Anyways, I am just type type typin’ away. I started a Now Playing Twitter that I am horrible at keeping up with but if you want to throw me a follow, I WILL follow back. I’m only asking people legitimately in to this newsletter because I refuse to pester my friends to follow another Twitter between that, my personal one, and my podcast Twitter. Did you see how I hyperlinked each? I’m a marketing God amongst men.

This is the only one I’ll make ya’ll follow, tho (I’ll follow back!!!!) https://twitter.com/NOW_PLAYING_MEG

That’s a wrap on intro, now let’s get to the show.

I wanted to do Ted Lasso this week but who the fuck has Apple TV+ straight up. It feels like an incredibly straight show I’d love to learn to be well versed in so I can pass as a dick sucking cis but I refuse to start a free subscription on any platform after unknowingly paying for the Criterion channel for almost a year. That shit ruined my bank account. So this week I picked:

Teen Wolf

It’s bold of me to start the hour long beauty that is Teen Wolf at 10 PM on a Monday but I’m feeling adventurous. For those of you who don’t know, Teen Wolf (I’m not covering the Michael J. Fox one IDGAF and anyways it’s a movie so) is an American Supernatural teen drama show loosely based on the 1985 movie of the same name. Premiering June 5, 2011 I watched this show religiously with my best friend down the street Molly in her basement throughout all of college. This show was an absolute beacon, a buoy in a wild world. Following high school student Scott McCall, who becomes a werewolf after being bit by an alpha werewolf, Scott deals with his new life as a creature of the night defending the town he loves while developing close feelings for new classmate Allison over the course of the series.

This show’s got it all: supernatural, spooky, Dylan O’ Brien. BOY did I fuck with it during it’s time. I keep trying to get my girlfriend to rewatch it with me but NO DICE MAN!!!!

Everyone DM my girlfriend RIGHT THIS SECOND and tell her to WATCH TEEN WOLF WITH ME!!!!

I truly can’t believe they tried to make Scott the main guy when Stiles existed tbh.

We get a, you guessed it, sweeping shot of dusk settled trees to start this series off. Beacon Hill’s cops are on the scene of the crime at the edge of the woods with their sniffer buddies the German Shepherd brigade. At home, Scott McCall is stringing his lacrosse stick unbothered about the turmoil happening at the corner of town. Why should he?! He’s not a werewolf yet. Let him enjoy his little life doing pull up’s in his bedroom to some early 2010’s rocker music. He hears a creak outside and goes out with a baseball bat because he’s spooked. His friend Stiles (<3) pops out of nowhere and says his police father found two bodies in the woods and they’re bringing in police officers in adjoining districts to help look. They only found half of one of the bodies and Stiles is super excited about this. He’s like “we gotta go check it out. You’re always bitching nothing ever happens in this town” and they head out to the woods with one flashlight.

Scott complains about how he has lacrosse tomorrow, Stiles does not care.

Scott is like alright Stiles what if the murderer is still out here and Stiles is taking everything in jest, be still my heart. Scott’s got asthma and he goes to breathe in a big huff as Stiles tries to evade the police officers flash lights running far ahead of Scott. Scott calls for him but Stiles has been found by his dad, who’s frustrated his son is out in the woods putting himself in danger. Scott hides behind a tree to avoid getting caught and Stiles covers for him, saying he’s at home sleeping. His dad doesn’t believe this and sweeps his flashlight over the terrain but he finds nothing. His dad gives the whole “this is an invasion of privacy” speech and walks Stiles back to his car and unfortunately for Scott, he is alone now in the woods. He pulls his hoodie over his head but that’s not going to help you buddy! You are out here, alone, with a killer on the loose.

Bet your asthma’s acting up now huh.

Scott is squinting his eyes looking off in to the distance when a bunch of deer run over him like that scene in Lion King and knock his inhaler out of his hand. He somehow fucking survives not getting trampled to death and turns his phone flash light on to look for his inhaler. He finds half of the dead body instead and accidentally rolls down a cliff from the shock of it. Our boy Scott is really in trouble now because he’s got a problem breathing and probably has a bit of a concussion. Off in the distance, a black furry creature sees him with yellow piercing eyes and jumps on our guy attacking him. He runs out in to the street and almost gets hit by a car before rolling his hoodie up to reveal a bite mark.

Fellas, let me tell you: that’s not going to bode well later on.

When you think about it, all women are werewolves in their own way. A lot of their periods sink up with the full moon and werewolves also change and have anger management issues once a month??? Kind of nuts. I almost wrote once a week because I haven’t gotten my period since 2015 and truly don’t remember how the female body works. Nonbinary bliss is having an IUD so you can cosplay not being a girl but also not being a boy.

Women, werewolves, full moons. They’re all powerful ladies to me #ally

At beacon Hills High School the next day, Scott bikes to school with his lacrosse stick on his back as Jackson drives up next to him, the resident bully of the school. God, I fucking love Colton Hayes. What a gay icon. He’s got a really fancy car and tells Scott to watch out for his car next time before skulking off. Stiles meets up with Scott and he tells him a wolf bit him and Stiles is like hmmm, no. There’s no wolves in California. Scott is like alright if you’re gonna gaslight me I’m not going to tell you about the body but Stiles isn’t paying attention because Lydia Martin just walked by and he is obsessed with her despite her not noticing. Scott and Stiles are “nerds” in this social order which would never be true.

Stiles is too charming to be a nerd.

The teacher said yeah there’s some people dead but the police have someone in custody so don’t worry. Study the syllabus. A phone starts going off and Scott can hear the phone despite not being in class. It’s coming from OUTSIDE (super hearing) and he sees new student Allison talking about how her family just moved here from San Francisco. She walks in to the classroom and Scott rests his beady little eyes on Allison, giving her a pen.

He then proceeds to stalk her around the school. Not before Lydia picks her up, though. Lydia says I love your jacket, you’re my new best friend. Jackson comes up and makes out with Lydia and invites Allison to this weekend party put on by the lacrosse team. Lacrosse is really big at this school and they’re the popular people, not football. They’ve won the state championship for the past three years because Jackson is team captain.

Scott overhears this entire conversation, which ends with Jackson inviting Allison to watch their practice. Scott says “I’m not sitting out this season, I’m going to make first string” and Stiles is like WELL WHO’S GOING TO BE ON BENCH WITH ME?! A valid question. Coach puts Scott in goal to make a joke of him and he overhears Allison ask Lydia who he is to which, she says “no idea.” Scott gets hit in the fact once but he’s ready this time and catches the ball in goal. The team is shocked and Stiles cheers. Coach isn’t used to this athleticism from him and stands mouth ajar. He isn’t letting anything by and Jackson steps up to take him on. Time slows down as he throws a shot at Scott, who catches it with ease. Stiles cheers and so does Lydia.

He’s super excited to talk to Stiles after practice.

He tells Stiles he can smell things and hear things he shouldn’t be able to see or hear- like Mojito gum in Stiles pocket. He’s like I don’t have- wait- ah, yes I do have Mojito gum in my pocket. Scott is saying I’ve been infected since I was bitten and Stiles is like I think I’ve heard of something like this. Are you a werewolf? And Scott is like quit joking and Stiles is like ayyyy ok but if you are! You better take precautions because Friday is a full moon! My little wolf boy, my little wolfie boyfriend. Derek, a fellow werewolf, stands behind them unannounced and is like what are you doing here? Scott says he was looking for his inhaler and Derek throws it at him before walking off. Stiles says you don’t remember him? His family burned in a house like ten years ago. Scott, meanwhile, takes off his bloody patch from where he was bit and finds it completely healed. At the Cat clinic he works at, the cats all fucking hate him and are hissing nonstop at him. Confused, he closes the door at the same time a disgruntled Allison bangs on the front of the office to let her in.

It’s been raining too! You know what that means! Queue: Meet Cute

Allison crying about a dog she hit on the highway and is like can you help her!? Please? She’s in the trunk. The dog is barking like a maniac and he’s like let me and gets down to the dog’s eye level and his eyes turn yellow. His intense stare chills the dog out and they go inside. He says the dogs leg is broken and he can put it in a splint, our multi-talented man. He gives Allison a t shirt and she undresses while he looks from the other room before peeking away. Allison is like I’m so sorry I freaked out like a girly girl. I’m not a girly girl. I’m a tough girl. I’m Katniss Everdeen tough. You haven’t even seen my winter combat boots yet and my side braid. I like interesting shows like Breaking Bad and not reality television.

Scott’s like woah ok you don’t gotta put on an act I also would cry if I hit a dog with my car.

They laugh and bond over their internalized misogyny and the status of the dog is that it’s going to live. Scott says pet her, she’ll like you now and Allison gives in. He’s like “see? She likes you” and stares really intensely at Allison, swiping an eyelash from her cheek. He walks her to her car and asks if it’s really family night on Friday. If it’s a lie, would she like to go to the party with him and she says yes :) Family night is a lie :) I’d love to go to the party with you on the night of the full moon.

CONFLICT INTRODUCED

Scott wakes up shirtless in the middle of the woods and is confused as shit. It’s morning and he’s in a little hole with no clothes outside of his shorts. He hears a branch snap and looks around to see the same beast that bit him running alongside the mist. He takes off running and jumps in to a pool to avoid the werewolf. It is some rich guys backyard and he is baffled to see a teenager jumping fences swimming around.

Scott is getting ready for the Lacrosse scrimmage the next day when Jackson confronts him asking “where do you get all your juice? There’s no way in hell you’re out there kicking ass on the field like that without steroids?” Scott does some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen where it looks like he’s chewing gravel saying he’s also freaking out because he woke up three miles in the woods this morning and has no idea what’s happening. Jackson doesn’t buy it and says he’s going to figure out his deal before leaving to go get on the field. Stiles tells Scott they found animal fibers on the body of the dead girl and Scott runs away because he’s got a game to play. Stiles is freaking out though because it was wolf hair but Scott’s got no time!!! He’s gotta do this scrimmage! He’s gotta make first string!

The coach is laying pressure on too saying they’re basically useless if they don’t make the cut.

Tyler plays a forward position but gets his ass handed to him by Jackson. They’re head to head and Scott pulls out some incredible moves before scoring on the other team. Literally no one can stop him. Coach calls him over and says what the hell was that? Incredible. You’re starting buddy. You made first line.

Back at home, Stiles googles werewolf nonstop to try to figure out if his hunch is right and also looks up a silver bullet because fuck it, Scott’s friendship means nothing. He’ll kill him if he’s gotta, I guess. I’m laughing so hard at the fact he’s googling silver. He immediately went “no answer, just kill.” I love the idea that there’s no remedy, not even a thought his friend can be saved, and he’s just gotta kill him, I guess. Stiles is relatable as fuck because he says he took a lot of adderall and has been reading a ton which, me all of college if you count “reading” as “listening to the same Tom Jones song for five hours thinking I was God.” Apparently, wolves howl because they signal to each other that they’re nearby so there’s probably a ton of them in the area. Stiles said what you did was amazing on the field today but it was impossible. People can’t just do that overnight. Scott is like let’s talk tomorrow and Stiles is like what? No. Tomorrow’s the full moon. Scott has a date though and a party so he doesn’t have time!!! Stiles says he’s going to kill tomorrow if he doesn’t figure it out. Stiles tries to grab his phone and cancel the date but Scott gets really mad and goes to punch him and now the vibes are off. Energy is ruined. Stiles breathes heavily and Scott makes some half assed apology. Stiles picks up the chair Scott knocked over and notices claw marks!!!!

This is a great advertisement for Adderall making you a genius.

Scott is shirtless (barf) getting out of the shower and runs in to his mom. She’s so excited he’s going to a date and a party and gives him the car keys. She’s like we don’t have to have the talk, do we? And he’s like about sex? No. Never. They have a tiff and he gets the keys and Allison looks good for the year 2011. She’s wearing a white button up, jeans, and a black blazer. Gay. At the party, a dog barks at Scott and Derek notices this. He is also at the party before disappearing. Scott shakes this off and goes and dances with Allison. They’re pulling each other close, being pretty handsy, when Scott makes eye contact with Lydia from across the party getting felt up by Jackson. Scott tightens his grip on Allison as some primal urge overtakes him and she asks if he’s okay. He’s like I gotta take a breather for a second and we get go pro style camera as he sweats his ass off trying to find some place to pass out. He walks out of the party with Allison chasing him and takes off down the street in his car. Derek comes up behind her to be like hi Allison, I’m a friend of Scott’s. My name’s Derek. We get the sense MTV is trying to dress him up as a villain at this moment but that’s not the case.

He’s trying to help the situation.

Scott sits in the bath tub with water running over him battling a wicked headache. The music is going fucking crazy as he looks at his ugly gray hands grow nails. Checking himself out in the mirror, he notices his eyes are yellow and his teeth are fangs. Stiles comes to check in on him and is trying to get in but Scott says you need to make sure Allison is ok. Stiles says Scott, Derek drove Allison from the party.

Scott’s gone full blown werewolf mode and he is tracking Derek down.

Jumping out his two story window, Scott dramatically lands in a puddle of water and tilts his head to the sky, full blown wolf mode. He’s an ugly little fucker when he looks like a werewolf but I guess there’s no way to make a huge, hairy animal sexy. I’m very anti-Big Foot. He takes off to the woods as Stiles chases down Allison at her home in his car. Mrs. Argent comes to the door and Stiles tries his best to save face being like “ah, I’m being crazy but uh it’s about your daughter uh,” and she calls Allison to the door. It’s a classic bait and switch moment. Allison is fine.

Scott realizes this and looks around and Derek says “she’s safe from you.” Derek says be quiet, wait. Too late. They’re here. It’s a team of hunters and the hunter is Allison’s dad. Uh oh. We don’t know this yet but I’m pretty sure the brigade leading this is Allison’s dad. Scott gets an arrow in his arm and dad’s comrades roll down a hill as Derek and Scott take off, narrowly escaping. Derek explains to Scott there are hunters who have been hunting them for centuries. Scott blames Derek for this happening to him and Derek’s like the bite is a gift, you should be grateful. Plus, you’re going to need me if you want to control it. We’re brothers now.

Scott crumples to the ground holding his arm.

The next day Scott walks home because despite being brothers, Derek refuses to give him a ride. He straight up said “you wait out the night and figure out how to get home without any clothes but your Levi jeans on.” These hoes aren’t loyal. Damn. Stiles has to pick him up on the side of the road wobbling home like some feeble child and Stiles says you better come up with an apology for Allison or you could just tell her the truth, that you’re a werewolf. Stiles says he’ll be there for Scott, they can chain him up and he’ll watch over him. It’s a very touching moment and is proceeded by Allison being upset that Scott left the party and is being vague now. He says can you just trust me? And she’s like hmm.. Am I going to regret this? And he says probably. Do I still get a second chance? And she forgives him so fast. Wow, to be 18 and desperate for love. The plight of teenage romance.

Her dad comes to pick her up and Scott notices it’s the LEAD HUNTER FROM THE CREW!!! DRAMA!!!! A LOVE THAT CANNOT BE!!!

Overall, I’m going to give the pilot a 5.5/10. The rush of this series coming out every week and how good it was accounts for a lot of the hype around Teen Wolf in my opinion but nowadays, the pilot wouldn’t hold a candle to the shit coming out. It was definitely one of a kind for it’s time, with the only other pseudo spooky-supernatural rival being American Horror Story, but it didn’t get really inventive until the second/third season when they introduced a ton of different supernatural stuff. Shit really picked up, then.

It’s definitely an interesting pilot that’s sexy, fun, and ooze charisma (in part, because of Dylan O’ Brien) but I was kind of under impressed. I don’t know if it needed more or less of what it was already working with but the structure seemed like nothing happened despite a lot being established. Maybe I’m biased towards vampires and don’t find werewolves interesting or maybe it’s that they didn’t make anything about it appealing to an audience instead, establishing a teen show alongside a supernatural world without much tying the two together. I could give it a 6 purely out of nostalgia reasons but I’m going to go with my gut here.

And my gut is saying Tyler Posey’s acting absolutely tanked Teen Wolf’s credibility. :(

Good morning eager Now Playing beavers I come to you live from my little goblin hole to bring another newsletter hot to your inbox. Now, many of you may be wondering where I was last week, crying your little faces off thinking “our poor Meggie has abandoned us” but do not fear for I am here. Anxious, excited, and overwhelmed as hell trying to balance this alongside the most taxing 9-5 I’ve ever had.

The highs and lows of journalism, babYyyY.

Given this is my first run down the alphabet, and I did Friends previously for this newsletter, I’m going to be tackling a sitcom favorite in the same NYC universe. That’s right, it’s Seinfeld, the wacky 90’s comedy show that produced an out of touch comedian (Jerry) and a God (Julia Louis Dreyfus) in it’s own right. First premiering in 1989 and ending in 1998 (DANG), Seinfeld was co-created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and follows four single friends navigating NYC life. Among them Jerry, a stand up comedian, is the ring leader of the group who opens almost every episode with a bit from his standup set that is preceded by an episode expanding on said bit. You know it, I know it, it’s a staple to sitcom television.

(I say this never having gotten past the second season).

I can feel my friends already texting me “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ALL OF SEINFELD?” after reading that line so I’m going to stop you right there. I have no time between self loathing, unemployment debt, and worrying about if everyone in the city hates me to watch nine seasons of a show. Maybe some day after I sell my first book, I will have inner peace and sit down to watch ~Seinfeld~ but for now, you’re going to have to settle for the Pilot episode.

Love you! Thank you! Text me if you’ve gotten this far please! I don’t want to work today!

“Do you know why we’re here? Do you know what this is all about? To be here, to be out,” says Jerry and same. Everyone is gay. He REALLY keeps hitting on the out thing and boy, would this be the perfect start to a gay 90’s sitcom about a lesbian stand up comedian. What could have been, am I right? But no, this is Jerry talking about how when you’re out, you want to be at home. Wherever you are in life, you gotta go. We’re always on the go.

No peace, just run.

Jerry is getting lunch with George Constanza, his bestie. George is wearing a purple shirt and Jerry is jumping down his shirt cuz he (gay) hates the buttons on his shirt. A lot of attention to what your guy friend is wearing to be straight but I digress!!!! George is stressed about if this coffee is decaf or not and gives the waitress a hard time about it before proceeding to ask Seinfeld why he’s cancelling his second show tomorrow. There’s a girl coming in, a professor from Lansing, MI, who Seinfeld’s going to hang out with despite being in love with Georgy. He literally says “it’s like talking to you but better” which feels VERY MUCH like domestic love. Jerry says she’s coming in for a seminar and the woman says they haaave to get together while she’s in town. George says “she has to be in town and you should get together? You’re a backup. She’s not going to see you. You’re a B Plan, a just in case.” George is VERY up in arms about this and asks the waitress for advice on the situation too. Is this woman interested in Jerry? Is she being polite? The waitress answers that no, based on what George says, the woman doesn’t want to hang out with Jerry.

But who cares when he’s off to do more domestic shit with George!

They head to the laundry store (?) together and ok pause because I know there’s a name for the laundry store and I cannot figure it out. Dermo…mat? Dermotologist (wrong)… L- oh my fucking God. It’s laundromat. I live in a city and I couldn’t figure out Laundromat. Jesus okay yikes well anyways, they’re at a laundromat and Jerry’s talking about this guy walking by who’s got everything: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners, this isn’t his first load. Jerry goes on about the girl Laura because he is positive she’s in to him. George is frustrated because he’s clearly right and puts Jerry on the spot about how she hasn’t made any concrete plans nor told him what hotel she’s staying at. He’s very fed up with his friend (lover) and Jerry finally reconciles with the fact she’s not going to call him. They argue about whether the laundry is dry or not and Jerry insists on staying because you can’t over dry laundry.

I have this rule about Chicken, I don’t think you can over cook it (0/2 on Meg revelations tonight) (the fuck is a Laundromat) (you can absolutely dry Chicken).

We segue in to Jerry’s standup set about how laundry’s most exciting day is the day they go to the Laundromat. He breathes life in to the behind the scenes thoughts of how socks love staying in the dryer so they can do a little Courdory disappearing act and live their life freely outside an apartment. We see Jerry’s apartment for the first time and, similar to Friends, it’s not bad!!! It’s pretty big! And he lives alone!!!!

He must do pretty well for comedy!

Kramer pops his head in as Jerry continues a conversation he’s having on the phone. Kramer spoils Jerry watching the Met’s game by saying they lose and Jerry breaks down because he waited all night to watch this game. He taped it <3 Remember taping???? I’d only tape Reno 911 and get scared my parents would find it but God, it was my gospel.

The things we do to savor television.

Kramer’s supposed to be a bit of a curve ball as he ransacks Jerry’s fridge looking for meat. Jerry says “you haven’t been out of the building in ten years” as Kramer shovels a sandwich in his mouth and the two sit on the couch side by side, Kramer flipping through, and subsequently ripping shit, out of a magazine on Jerry’s table. He wipes his face with a page from the magazine and says Kramer can come over tomorrow if he wants, Laura isn’t coming over because he misread the entire situation. He’s really hung up on this Mussy he’s trying to plow (Midwest Pussy) and speak of the devil!! Laura calls! She says her plane gets in at 10:15 and Jerry can get his friend George to come pick her up without even ASKING!! HIS FRIEND! Does he have something in the morning?!?!

Not very good friend discipline if you ask me!

She asks to stay at Jerry’s house and he’s over the moon. The next day, he brings in an extra bed with George and George is like why’d you bring in the extra bed?? Aren’t you sleeping together? And Jerry (decent man!) says “I don’t want to be presumptuous” which, point for Jerry. George keeps insisting she wants to sleep with him now, completely switching teams from his earlier stance, and I stand by Jerry to bring a mattress in. Good for him. Kramer comes in and also rags on the mattress. “Why even give her an option?” OK PSYCHO!!! This little misogynistic tirade goes straight from the Handbook or the Game or whatever that early 2000’s negging book was and Jerry cleans the bathroom while George and Kramer make small talk. We learn George is in commercial real estate and we transition in to:

Another of Jerry’s standup bits.

He’s talking about prepping the bathroom for a woman and I get why his standup was endearing in the early 1990’s. It’s just observations that are middle of the road and not divisive but kind of entertaining. He’s talking about how women have a lot of cotton balls and what do they use them for and honestly, I also wonder this. Is it for nail polish? Ears? Eyes? I use cotton balls when I’m out of toilet paper and that’s just last case scenario. I don’t actively buy cotton balls thinking I’m going to use them to wipe but that’s always what happens.

Wait, is that why women go through cotton balls!?!?!?

Jerry heads to the airport to pick up Laura and he’s nervously biting his fingers. He’s like “this is impossible, why don’t women say what they’re thinking” and it’s because men don’t listen. They do, trust me. George is giving Jerry pointers on how a hug is good, shake is bad, but there’s nuance to the rules. Each signal is open to interpretation. Laura runs up at this moment and puts her hands over his eyes and says “guess who!” They do a weird hoorah with their two hands and George can’t read what it means. Back at his apartment, Jerry’s showing off the apartment and tells her to make herself at home. She sits on the couch and takes off her shoes as Jerry just awkwardly stands in the kitchen. He asks if he can get her anything and she asks for wine which could mean anything. She asks to turn down the lamp and still, to me, this could mean anything because once I get off a flight, I’m tired. She asks if she can stay tomorrow night too and he’s like sure! What’s your schedule tomorrow? She’s got a seminar and that’s it, she’d love to go on a five hour boat ride around Manhattan and he’s like oh!!!! Well!!!! Sure!!!! The phone rings and he picks it up and it’s someone for Laura, the fuck? How does that even work? How’d they figure out her number?

Bad news bears, it’s her fiance calling.

She opens up about how hard being engaged is and Jerry can’t get over the fact she’s engaged. He’s really harping on it and is regretting agreeing to go on a five hour boat ride now.

In his standup act the next night he talks about how women are super confusing because they’re subtle. What do women want? They know what men want: women and yes, they do fucking know that!!!! We take advantage of that because you put us in questionable situations!!! Stop fucking complaining because you think you’re entitled to everything!

Both gay, and straight men, think they’re so god damn entitled!!! To! Everything! (Another case for Jerry Gay)

Obviously, this is a shorter newsletter because with the time change, traveling last week, and getting back to work I’m a wee bit exhausted, but I hope it was fun nonetheless! Overall, I’m rating the Seinfeld pilot an 8.5/10 because despite the fact it wouldn’t hold up today being a boys’ club and everything, I feel like the format was unique and interesting for it’s time. To split up the show with Jerry’s standup bits and inner observation of the world around him was a concise barrier between self, life, and work. There’s also something to say about how interesting it is, and I don’t know if this holds throughout the show, that the most intimacy is what he shares with an audience instead of his close personal friend. He brings nervous energy to the stage and sure, he brings that with George too, but I feel he’s more comfortable on stage sharing his thoughts than in his regular life which is often the story of a performer. Side characters remain side characters in this, probably because it’s impossible to establish a lot given a twenty third minute episode, but the dialogue is fun enough that it makes you think about your own little thoughts and feelings. I get why people consider Jerry Seinfeld the king of Observational Comedy.

Welcome! This week on Now Playing we’re going to be discussing Riverdale, a CW show that started off strong and plateaued in recent seasons bringing an onslaught of Tiktoks poking fun at what previously was a masterful TV show. Airing on the CW on January 26th, 2017 to a total of 1.38 million viewers, one of those being me, Riverdale followed the lives of quarterback superstar Archie, girl next door turned sociopath in season two Betty Cooper, insanely hot rich bitch Veronica Lodge, and emo J.D. Salinger wannabe Juckhead Jones on a wacky series of mishaps. The first season opens after a particularly chaotic summer following the drowning of football player Jason Blossom, brother of HBIC red head Cheryl Blossom, and the four main character unravel the mystery surrounding the Blossom family. Who killed Jason Blossom? Did him and Cheryl ever kiss?

The answers to one of these- and more- lie in it’s thirteen episode season.

Riverdale went fucking nuts on marketing in the city of Chicago and with bisexual lighting galore, I was all in on the show. I waited MONTHS for this CW baby to open it’s pearly gates to my sweet, serene eyes and when it finally did, it DELIVERED. I know the show gets a ton of hate for being off the walls and all over the place to the point, people have called them out for forgetting they already introduced Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but I loved this show during it’s hay day. It was the perfect mix of spooky, sexy, and slutty teen drama that gets my gears going. Yes, I get KJ Apa is weird on Tiktok and Yes, I know the plot has gone to shit, but for now can we just appreciate the building blocks that created an empire? A place where breakout stars like Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes thrived?

Riverdale season one, and maybe even season two, definitely deserve the hype.

We start our story with a classic Jughead Jones monologue, the summary? This town is NOT what it appears to be. There’s sweeping shots of an old 50’s/60’s style small town named Riverdale and damn, they’re beautiful. We follow the Blossom twins driving their red convertible to the river on the Fourth of July. They came out holding hands for an early boat ride and make their way down the river as thunder crashes overhead. Dilton Doiley, a kid leading the local Boy Scout chapter on a bird watching expedition, finds Cheryl on the side of the river with mascara running down her cheeks. The police come and search the lake to no avail and Betty’s mom Alice tells her husband Hal Cooper she hopes Jason suffered in his last moments.

Oooooo, a MYSTERY.

Jughead writes this whole little novel in Pop’s Diner and details some of the minute info of this tragedy. They bury an empty casket and Cheryl’s story is that she dropped a glove in the water and Jason reached down to get it, tipping the boat, panicking, and drowning. Jason’s story needs to be cast aside for a minute though because resident hot girl Camila Mendes, who plays Veronica Lodge, is rolling in to town with her mom Hermonie Lodge. Given that Camila is now 28, the same age I am, that means she was around 23 years old when filming this and boy, what a fun age to become famous at. You don’t have the messiness of your EARLY 20’s, running around doing absolute feral shit, but you’re still messy enough. Bags haven’t set in on your eyes. You’re not nearly as hungover as you will be in five years.

The moral of this story? I am having a CRISIS on the verge of turning 30 years old (A year and a half away) (Calm Down).

Hermonie tells Veronica this is a smaller apartment but it’s in my name and not your father’s. From this line we concur that Hiram Lodge is a weee bit of a control freak and that Veronica is the product of daddy issues. Hermonie says she’s in the mood for a burger from Pop’s Diner and Veronica’s like why is a Chop Shop selling Burgers. Across town, someone also looking to chow down on some man meat is Betty Cooper, who’s detailing her crush on boy next door Archie Andrews to her best friend, Kevin. Kevin is peeking through the window looking at Archie across the street who’s now rocking abs.

Betty better take her shot ASAP!

Betty’s at Pop’s Diner catching Archie up on her summer. She says Toni Morrison tells her personally that “Bettie, don’t rush this time. It goes by so fast at your age. One summer can change everything,” to which, Archie responds:

She asks how his summer was and he says he’s a poet now. He got bored pouring concrete so now he’s got some song lyrics going on in his head and he really feels sooooo much better about his path in life. He’s going to start trying to make music because he listened to one New Order song that changed his life. He’s like yeah, I can do it better than Kurt Cobain did. I can write it better than you’ll ever feel it, sweaty <3. Betty is ENAMORED by this and is like wow, have you told your dad? Are you going to ask the music teacher for help? Are you going to try out for football? Ok Mom chill out! Archie’s like calm down, you’re the only person I’ve told and she’s like wow, that’s… touching.. I think now is the time to admit my feelings but he’s NOT PAYING ATTENTION because VERONICA just walked in and oh poor sweet Betty, she just said all that for nothing. Veronica comes over and strikes up a conversation about how she just moved here from New York and is also starting her sophomore year at Riverdale. She’s really scared because she’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s and this place is sooo In Cold Blood. We learn Betty is her peer mentor and Archie jumps the gun inviting her to join their dinner.

Betty realizes yep, there goes my shot.

First day of school and Archie is ready to get to school!!! His dad Fred Andrews, the actor Luke Perry, who tragically died really young, is trying to push working at the cement filling company or whatever their blue collar job is in the family on Archie but Archie’s like can’t :/ Football tryouts. Parents love putting pressure on their high school kids because Alice is telling Betty this school year is also really important for colleges. Grades, extracurricular, sports. Alice doesn’t want anything jeopardizing her future especially after her sister Polly was defiled by that nefarious Jason Blossom. Betty defends herself like “mom, I was seven minutes late for curfew, it’s fine” and Alice goes on a tirade of how all men are the same #true. Her mom gives Betty a fucking Adderall and is like don’t worry, I refilled your prescription.

Mmmm I can already tell THAT’S gonna be a problem.

Archie’s buddy Reggie, who they replace in the second season, is hyping Archie up about how ripped he is now. How’d he do that? Is he taking steroids? He calls their buddy Moose over and ask Archie if he hooked up with a teacher over summer. Did he? DID HE!?

Only time will tell!

Betty is giving Veronica a tour and she’s dunking on how po-dunk the town is. Where’s the club? Kevin says there’s two: one gay bar called Innuendo and a strip club called Ho Down. Friday night there’s football games and tailgate parties in the parking lot, Saturday nights is movie nights, and that’s it. Kevin is “gay, thank God. Let’s be best friends,” says Kevin and he’s like ok, perfect because I have questions about your dad. Is he really the devil? Veronica gets icy in response and continues moving on but that’s what you get for befriending us gays! We like to know your trauma and tell our trauma in response!!

Sorry STAIGHTS but if you don’t tell me your deepest darkest secret in the first five minutes of knowing me, WE’RE. DONE.

Archie finds Josie practicing with her two friends on stage and Archie approaches her asking for help with his music. She goes in to Read Receipt mode and says the Pussycats are creating a signature look. Last year, they won Rockland County’s Battle of the Bands and this year, they’re building on that success telling their story through songs they write. Essentially what she’s saying is Archie!!! Bye!!! Archie leaves the theater, dejected and Veronica, walking with Kevin and Betty, immediately locks in on him. She asks what his deal is, if Betty’s dating him, and when Betty says no she says perfect will you put in a good word for me? Kevin, which is clearly a Duck name, clarifies that although Betty and Archie aren’t dating, they ARE end game. She’d ask him to the Semi Formal but it might be cancelled because of Jason.

Who’s Jason? asks Veronica.

At the assembly, Cheryl Blossom is answering that question. She says Jason was a vibrant, fun person and he wouldn’t want them all wallowing. She asked the School board to allow the Back to School Semi Formal to happen and by the grace of God, they’re gonna. The dead be damned these little horny goblins need to shake their asses if it’s the last thing they do. They’re going to celebrate this man’s life by making a grind circle in the sweaty school gymnasium to grind on each other in a borderline PG-13 way. Archie, especially, is making eyes with his music teacher when a flashback occurs indicating oh buddy, they DEFINITELY got it on. I don’t get WHAT is so hot to writers about the teen-teacher hooking up plot line but we get it a LOT. Ms. Grundy saw Archie wiping his face off on the side of the road during the summer time and said wow little Archiekins your body is banging, it is way toooo hot for you to be outside :/ Lemme give you a ride <3. They hook up in the car in the RAIN later that night because I guess that’s just what happens in teenage drama shows!

Archie chases her down after the assembly and is like can we talk? And she’s like sure, only about music, make an appointment. We’ll get it on the books.

Hermonie Lodge goes to visit Fred Andrews and asks for a job indicating he should probably give it to her since they have history (dated for a bit in high school). Fred admits he split up with his wife who’s now in Chicago and Hermonie also gives her background story about how she wishes people in Riverdale would give her the benefit of the doubt. He says yeahhh but your husband is on trial for fraud and embezzlement so I can’t have you balancing my company checkbook, sorry. Nothing personal it’s just your husband is a criminal and not like, a cool, hot criminal like Martha Stewart he’s also going to try privatizing the prison system in season three which is no good, besties.

At lunch, Archie is showing Betty and Kevin his music and Veronica comes and sits down to inquire into Archie and how cool he is for liking music. Veronica is like honestly, I though people would be obsessed with me and they’re not, sooo. Kevin says usually, they would be, but Cheryl is putting on her all with this sympathy thing and look at that, she’s on her way over here. “Veronica Lodge” Cheryl Blossoms oozes, purring like a terrifying snake. She asks to sit at the table and is asking if they’re all gossiping about how hot Archie is. They say no and Cheryl picks up immediately trying to recruit Veronica to try out for cheerleading. Veronica says fine but Betty’s going to try out too. Betty says last season when she tried out Cheryl said she was fat and Veronica’s like I mean, you’re hot now. Comforting words if I’ve ever heard one. Veronica says she’ll help Betty prep if she’s so god damn set on being a River Vixen!

I wasn’t a cheerleader but I was a mascot in high school. I think that’s better, imo.

Archie’s trying to finagle his music teacher he was fucking in to giving him music lessons and she’s like listen, we can’t start anything. He says fine but I need to talk to someone about what we saw because afterwards we didn’t do or say anything about it.

Oooo and what can this little mystery be?

They were also at the lake on the Fourth of July and they heard a gunshot at 6 A.M. near the river. She’s like WE both have to live with the choice WE made that’s the PAY OFF for SILENCE. She then denies him the opportunity to take music lessons with her and the scene is over.

You know they always set boundaries in the beginning only to break them later (PRETTY LITTLE LIARS!!!!!!)

Veronica and Betty are trying out for cheerleading and Cheryl is like this is boring, where’s the flair? Veronica says you haven’t seen our secret move and turns to Betty to kiss her and Cheryl rolls her eyes, not taking the bait. This is when I should have figured out Cheryl was going to be a lesbian because I also rolled my eyes so God bless our queen bee for tearing them apart for being “faux lesbians.” Cheryl says it’s time for the interview portion and digs in to Betty on her sister, Polly. How’s she doing? Veronica, do you know about Polly? Betty tells Veronica Polly and Jason started dating and then Polly ended up in a group home because she lost her mind. Betty is getting really stressed out and apologizes for what happened to Jason, handling this harassment like a champ. Cheryl gives Veronica a spot but not Betty and Veronica lays in to Cheryl about being entitled. She says Betty and her come as a matching set so she’s taking both of them and also, Veronica’s going to dethrone her.

“You wanted fire? Sorry Cheryl, my specialty is ice.”

At football practice, the coach gives Archie Jason Blossom’ old jersey because he’s on varsity now!!! He did it! And as a Sophomore too, the big leagues! Congrats bud! He gives the coach a whole spew about how he has to help with his dad’s family business after school and blah blah blah. The coach says “sleep on it” as Betty and Veronica put on their cheerleading outfits for the first time. Walking home, Betty asks Veronica why she stood up for her and she says when her dad got arrested, people dragged her ass online for being a bitch so Betty is her redemption arc. This is her fresh start and she’ll be damned if anyone stands in the way of that. Betty, in return, shares a bit of trauma about how Polly was obsessed with Jason but she didn’t really care about him and then Alice, her mom, laid in to Polly about not being her daughter, anymore. This is a beautiful moment between girls and to top it off, Veronica calls Archie over in an attempt to get Betty to ask Archie to the dance. She asks if he wants to go to the dance with both her and Veronica doesn’t let Archie say no. She’s like I don’t give a damn about your “mindset” you’re coming and he’s like okay, fine.

Betty is DANCING in her room over this YES!!!! Slay, queen.

Spotting her in a cheerleading outfit, Alice is maaaaaad Betty is a cheerleader now. She doesn’t want her to be anywhere near a Blossom and tells her to take off her cheerleading outfit right now. Betty puts her foot down about having to be perfect all the time and she’s not listening to Alice anymore, she’s going to the mall to buy a dress because she’s going to the dance with Veronica and Archie. Alice says girls like Cheryl and Veronica don’t like girls like Betty but Betty is out the door.

Try being a better mom, how about that!!!

At the Lodge’s, Hermonie has retrieved a missing bag she has no clue about. Unzipping the leather bag she finds a fuck load of money and sighs because this means Hiram’s up to some fuck shit. Archie, meanwhile, is practicing a little guitar on the patio when his dad comes out to talk about a call he got from his coach, today. He says coach said you couldn’t play varsity because you’re spending too much time with me but you told me you can’t work because you’re playing football, who are you lying to? It’s go time as Archie opens up about his softer side, an adoration for the acoustic he so lovingly is coddling. Dad, you wouldn’t understand, I want to study music. I’m a soft boi. Football takes you to classes though, son. Football takes you to Business school where you’ll learn to be a MAN!!!

No disrespect dad, he doesn’t want to run the company with him. He changed. He fucked the music teacher once and now he’s making a career out of it.

Dad says he doesn’t care if he plays football and he doesn’t have to work for him ever again if he doesn’t want to but these decisions you make now have consequences. Whatever you decide, be confident in it. Don’t lie. Archie stands slackjawed on the porch in an Old Navy cardigan, pondering what this could possibly mean.

If it’s not Toni Morrison telling Betty about how she should appreciate summer, he doesn’t understand.

At the school dance banners of Jason hang everywhere. Betty asks when Archie has to let coach know about football and Veronica’s like I’m sick of the boxes we put ourselves in can we just liberate ourselves for the night and Veronica gives Betty the green light to try flirting with Archie. She fixes his bow instead like a mother to a son and he dips out to go find the music teacher while Kevin sneaks up on Betty to say Moose, the football player, tried making a move on him in the bathroom OOoooooo secret LOVE AFFAIR!

Music teacher Ms. Grundy is on edge about Archie approaching her and he says listen, I won’t tell anyone anything but you have to help me. Music keeps me sane. I want to do an independent study with you as many mornings you can and that’s all it will be. I’ll say nothing about July Fourth. She smiles and is like hehe ok Monday, Wednesday, Friday, talk to me more in that voice uwu. He smiles like nice, I’m in. I can write my little Jason Archelta songs. Cheryl interrupts the dance to introduce this evening’s entertainment which is our FIRST musical number Riverdale has ever seen. It’s Josie and the Pussycats playing a cover of All Through the Night by Cyndi Lauper. Betty and Archie slow dance and it’s anti-climatic because they have sibling vibes. Kevin and Veronica are mouthing at her to go for it and Betty says she has a fantasy of them as a power couple and Archie’s face falls. He looks over to Ms. Grundy and Betty is clearly upset.

Cheryl’s like hmmm, I have an idea.

She invites Archie, Betty, and Veronica to her after party and says Archie’s gonna do seven minutes in heaven and we’re going to spin the bottle to see who it’s going to be. It lands on Veronica and Cheryl says if you don’t go, I will - and I’ll certainly make a move. Veronica sighs and goes in to the closet with Archie and they make small talk about New York, Cheryl, etc. Veronica asks the deep question of why not Betty? He’s like we’re best friends and I don’t feel anything for her. Veronica also admits that she didn’t have a boyfriend in New York and is leaning in close to Archie as he admits he has felt things for someone over the summer. Archie takes a step closer to her as she says “you’re dangerous” and he goes to kiss her as they BOTH admit they SHOULDNT KISS!

Jesus, they didn’t hold off for even five minutes.

They start kissing and come out to find Betty has left. Veronica grabs an Uber to go find Betty, since her phone is off, and ends up going home empty handed. I’m a bit confused, since it’s not like anyone opened the door to them kissing, and the kiss wasn’t messy enough for them to make any slurpy noises, so how did Betty know they were kissing? I’d just be like “I trust this girl, she’s not going to kiss my crush” if I didn’t have any proof. Veronica lays on her mom’s lap to be comforted as Archie heads to Pop’s Diner looking for Betty. Instead, he finds Jughead Jones sitting at a booth looking emo with his little computer. He sits down across from him and Jughead says he’s working on a novel about Jason. Archie starts asking some real deep quesitons to Jughead like, was he doing the right thing with his life? Was Jason okay? Jughead deflects and is like what are you up to now, Football God? He leaves Archie with parting advice to just talk to Betty because it would have gone a long way with Jughead so it obviously will with Betty.

Heeding his advice, Archie goes to Betty’s house.

Betty walks outside in her dress and sees Archie. She says she’s not going to ask what he did with Veronica but she is going to ask if Archie loves her. He says of course but I can’t give you the answer you want because he’s never been good enough for her lmFAOOOOOOOO. I’m dying. Yes king gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. Don’t tell her the real reason which is you just don’t feel it back, that’s fine too. Jughead goes off on a speech about how two hearts broke that night.

Moose and Kevin go to the lake and do “everything but kiss.” Kevin trips as they get closer to the lake and they find Jason’s body washed ashore with a gunshot through his head.

Mamma Mia!

Jughead wraps this episode up nicely saying that by morning, the world around them changed. Everyone would be talking about how Riverdale wasn’t the same town as before. It was a town of shadows and secrets, now. On Tuesday, the first arrest would be made.

Setting some pretty high stakes in the pilot episode, besties.

Alright fuck it overall I’m giving this a 9/10. They introduced enough of the characters in a concise way that made you feel a bit of attachment to each without giving us too much to overwhelm the plot. The pacing was nice, the plot was mysterious enough, and the cast is so god damn hot I want to die. I am a slut for CW shows and I truly loved the first season so much that maybe the 9 is nostalgia clouding my judgement more than anything. If I was a good gay, I’d dock points for the subtle homophobia riddled throughout the episode. The “girls kissing for attention” and the “kevin as gay best friend” WAS Annoying… hmmm… ok fine, i’ll dock it one point. Riverdale’s getting an 8/10

Real Riverdale heads know the scene I’m about to watch now that I’ve finished the pilot. That’s right, Jughead and Betty FUCKING!!!

YEAHHH BOY

Well Now Playing fans we finally made it to the dreaded letter Q. Now, there are very very few Q shows so I’m thinking I will just go in order down the list to be concise for the time being. That means we may be covering our first ever animated show on the newsletter! Can you believe it!? It’s called Q-Force, a show I have never heard of in my entire life.

Unsurprisingly, most of the Q named shows are, you guessed it, queer related! C’est la vie.

Seeing as the lead of Q-Force is literally named “Twink” I’m going to confidently say every Q show is a Gay Show. David Harbour, Patti Harrison, and Dan Levy are in this show, which is promising, and it’s a show that centers around a gay squad and his scrappy LGBTQ super-spy coworkers. It premiered in 2019 with ten episodes and was cancelled after one season.

This is Twink MALARKY!!!!!!!!

I'm having to do a shorter episode today seeing as I’m on the clock (oops) so let’s get right to it, besties.

This Netflix original opens on a forest in 2011 in the middle of nowhere. A white Twink shoots guys with a gun and goes “bye, bitch” when he clocks one in the eye and “hi, bitch” when he kicks one unsuspectingly in the face. This tracks, seeing as gay men are NEVER humble, and at the end of this excursion he finds a RAINBOW GRENADE (lmfao) where he throws three at four trucks, blowing them up. This is all a timed ordeal and a woman proudly tells the director next to him she’s so excited he’s about to hunt the Taliban.

She’s very proud of him.

At a ceremony, the director announces the induction of thirty new cadets about to enter the field as covert operatives. They got a record breaking two women they count for diversity, both white, and the joke absolutely does not land. Steve, the main guy, walks up to receive an award the same year Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is revealed. He comes out as gay but this does NOT go over well, as it never would, and the director knocks him off the mic saying actually, it wasn’t Maryweather who was the valedictorian, they just made a mistake and are now all bullying Steve!!!!

Yeah, dumbass!!!!! Why’d you come out!!! We keep that shit locked DOWN! I’ve gotten hate crimed enough in small town America to KNOW we gotta be hush hush.

In line at lunch, the director tells him you’re going to be running your own division and ships him off to Gay Town, USA aka West Hollywood. Steve’s pretty upset with this and ten years pass by. Working out in his LA house, he sees news about terrorists getting caught, an old message from a coworker about meeting the president, and two naked people in his kitchen asking about the Airbnb they’re staying in.

Basically, Steve’s life isn’t working out too well!

These naked people are Swedish or something and not afraid to let their meatballs hang out in Steve’s kitchen. They’re on vacation! They need more towels because they used them all. They’re pretty clearly hitting on him looking for a third but he side steps them to enter his secret little lab on the side of the house. Steve is VERY excited today because they’re talking about introducing a spy car in to the squad. The car is just like, a four door Subaru Outback but!!!! It can fly!!! It’s a super car!

It also has Tracey Chapman’s entire discography which I, for one, would die for.

G number 2, as opposed to the first person who talked, is the techie gurl. She found the Malaysian plane and that’s her update. Twink is the name of the Master in Disguise Gay who’s apart of the squad who immediately drops the word Bitch to indicate omg! He’s gay! He’s probably also a queen too, getting big RPDR vibes from him, and that’s the squad! The techie, the master of disguise, and the auto mechanic! Worse, the agency is cutting their budget by 15% which is not good news.

The Gay Squad REALLY needs to get a case.

Morale is low because gay people are working harder than their straight comrades. Auto mechanic Deb is saying they’ve been busting their balls trying to get a case and nothing’s been happening so she’s considering taking an assistant manager job. Steve needs to get his act together and find them a case because he’s losing hype with his team. He pulls out a gray hair in the mirror and is stressing because he was on top of his game ten years ago, what happened!

As he waters the backyard, the naked people are back there just hanging. They say they used all the towels and Steve goes off on how upset he is about not getting missions to these naked strangers. The woman is like oh? It sounds like there’s a lot of anti-LGBTQ-discrimination in your world and he’s like yeah! There is! He calls his squad to the room and says he’s going to demand West Coast HQ give them a case. On the phone with the Deputy, he loses traction trying to stand up to himself and instead butters her up. He’s like “it might be neat if we got a case” and she answers flippantly but he gives her a sob story about not being able to get a case. She says you think I have any agency? I’m the only woman with power blah blah blah opportunities don’t come on a schedule and she pings out leaving Steve with nothing.

He’s NOT about to take this lying down.

He says that’s it, we’re going rogue. Let’s live this dream! Deb says the Navy wasted her potential too and Twink/Tech Girl are also in for finding a case. Deb brings up that Crocs are flooding the market and she thinks foreign influence is trying to undermine their feet. This literally sounds like me in my newsroom pitch meetings and I commend her for the reach. Sometimes you gotta. For example, I just pitched that the KKH game is gender reaffirming for me but really, I need money because [INSERT IMPORTANT NEWSROOM I WORK FOR HERE] doesn’t pay shit!!!!!!!

Twink brings something to the table sussing that someone he met last night is a terrorist. At his 11 o’ clock show where he’s drag dancing he sees someone who has bruises on his face and a briefcase cuffed to his wrist. There was also a tattoo with the words “Anarchy will grow from the blood of the uninitiated” on his chest so very sus! Steve is on it and is wondering how they can find a gay guy on So Cal. Twink says Grindr obviously and scrolls through his Grindr to find he did, in fact, match with the guy.

Looks like they have a case!

Back at WeHo HQ the girl boss lady takes a call from the deputy saying he doesn’t want Q Force on the field. Boss Lady is like? I didn’t assign them a case? And the Deputy is like they’re too soft, what if someone misuses their pronouns which blah blah blah they’re always mad about this, always mad about the little pronoun thing. This is annoying, a damned if we call it out damned if we don’t. I, typically, never correct someone on my pronouns and then feel like a class traitor when I don’t. Is there any right way to approach this? I don’t want people to cite me as the lax trans person chill with it cuz I’m not, but it does get so annoying.

Woof ok rabbit hole back to show.

Boss Lady calls a helicopter down to go confront Q Force on this new mission and she climbs up the ladder in to the helicopter off she goes. She tries calling them but they ignore her call because if they solve this case, who cares. Techy has hacked his phone and finds a road and church emoji. Steve thinks it’s a meet up at this gay bar and is running the wheels in his head about a distraction when Twink walks out dressed as Ariana Grande.

They are on their way to the Abbey bar and on the mission.

They find the guy in the bar and Steve approaches him to flirt. He speaks his native language and is hitting it off with the guy. The guy inches in to say “don’t move, I will make you pregnant soon, I just have to urine” and Steve sticks a tracker on his back. Very romantic first encounter. Steve texts the group to say the tracker has been placed as everyone runs over to Twink to take a photo with fake Ariana Grande. Steve sees the bad guy give a usb to this other guy and intercepts it just as the Villain attacks. He gets the best of Steve and takes off in a red corvette and is on the move. Steve jumps in a car with Deb and it’s a high speed chase, baby. The car takes off in to Jet Mode and they fly after Bad Guys car, where Steve jumps on his car and takes control of his wheel, crashing him in to a mansion. They fight in the street and the Villain almost falls off a mountain but Steve saves him at the last minute, bringing him back to their layer to interrogate him.

This would be good if the Girl Boss Director hadn’t showed up.

She revokes their status as agents and Steve says listen, I stayed around and waited for ten years and I’m tired of waiting. I haven’t dated, make a family, etc. etc. Girl Boss says we have to wait twice as hard and long to get our shot and now you threw away your whole future for nothing but techy chimes in to say not nothing, this USB has a ton of shit regarding a black-market nuclear arms deal so fuck you V. She doubles back and is like shit, ok I’ll call the Deputy and calls him out for undermining the Q Force.

Gays win again <3

She says unless you want a nuclear bomb on your hands reinstate their credentials. If they ever fuck up again you can fire me. She’s putting her neck on the line for them so they better do as she says!!!!

Welcome back Q- Force!!!!!!!!

The next day, Steve wakes up feeling good. He does some push ups, looks at an office to rent for his squad, and meets a guy named Benji, the most cursed name in the world. Their brand new headquarters is lit as fuck in this big corporate office despite being next to a man with the worst name and if he’s the love interest, I will not finish this show. They get an assignment and the shitty guy who took Steve’s valedictorian place is their new boss begrudgingly and is mad he’s there. There’s tension between Steve and this boss man and I looked up if Steve dates Benji and he does so I refuse to finish this show.

Fuck you Benji!

Overall, this felt like very dry, outdated humor an older gay would write instead of a newer one so I’m thinking I’m going to give this a 3/10. It didn’t wow me outside of the colors, which were very nice, and I didn’t laugh at all. It’s not as progressive as it thinks it is in my opinion, punching down on the Q Force a bit too much to be centered in any sort of realistic homophobia gays may encounter which is much more subtle nowadays and I wasn’t that impressed by it. I don’t think military men would be overt in their gay phobia instead projecting said homophobia through more violent measures but who am I to know I’ll never be in the military!

Almost gave it a 2.5/10 for including my exes name as the love interest.

We’re back to the normal alphabet next week with the letter R so drop any recs of shows you want to see and I’ll cover them!

Ta ta!

This week we’re gearing up for a rootin’ tootin’ good time covering HBO Max’ latest dive in to the Pretty little Liars universe. Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin is the fourth installation in the PLL Franchise following a group of four teens dealing with the mysterious death (suicide) of their friend Angela. Similarly based on the books by Sara Shepard, this one seems to take a bit of a different tone despite having the same loose plot as the typical PLL make up. Boasting none of the character named cast: Aria, Hanna, Spencer, Emily, I truly don’t know what to expect from the latest and greatest except raw, sexual Power.

Let’s see what this one is all about!

They’ve got the old intro music playing and already, the opening sequence slaps harder than the previous one does. We’re following who I assume is A being absolutely deranged on his fuck shit with vials of shit in jars and all these photos of the main girls hanging around. It’s a very American Horror Story intro of them and I respect them for getting right in to it with no opening scene to set the mood.

A New Order song plays as “Millwood, Pennsylvania December 31st 1999 “ fills the screen.

Someone is calling out for a “Sidney, Corey, and Davie “ but none of her friends can hear her. She stumbles through the back door of a Halloween party with makeup streaked down her face asking everyone for help. Bestie is not doing too hot but her friends are having a blast on the dance floor and are too busy to notice her. Relatable, seeing as when a song I’m banging to like “Shut Up and Drive” plays, it’s no one but me and the dance floor baby. She grabs her friend Sid but Davie is like No, we talked about this and Sid turns around to dance with her friends, ignoring the crying girl.

Oh? Did Angela (crying girl) commit some fuck behavior? Some slight against girl code? Was Angela a big ol’ bumbling slut?

Resolved, Angela climbs a ladder as a countdown to midnight takes place. Everyone notices her up there and the music stops as she jumps off the scaffolding, dead.

Huge bummer for her five friends who now have blood pooling at their feet. (Also sorry I called you a slut RIP)

Twenty two years later, a mom is having dinner with her daughter Imogen, a pregnant teen. Her mom tells her to drink her milk and then holds her hand, comforting her daughter on some falling out she’s had with a friend recently. Mom’s a “cool mom” because she calls this girl a “stark-raving crazy bitch” and her daughter is like mom! You’re so bad! The pregnant girl gets up to grab her friend at the door who says “Greg’s waiting at the car so I don’t want any drama.” Karen, the friend, gives the mother Davie a letter that was taped to her door. The “A” in Davie is highlighted and the letter is a flyer to the old Halloween party she attended where her friend died.

Davie’s having wacky flashbacks but has to keep it contained because Imogen (interesting name) and her buddy Karen (wearing all pink) head up stairs to talk shop. Davie turns the flyer over and it says “Gone but never forgotten. You can’t ignore the past forever. The countdown starts now.”

Hold up, freeze frame, they also live across from a GRAVEYARD!?

The drama with Karen and Imogen is that Imogen made out with Karen’s boyfriend at a party. I don’t think he’s the one who got her pregnant, but that question is left to be answered as running water is now seeping down the hall. Imogen tentatively calls out for her mom as she moves closer to the bathroom but finds her mom dead in the bath covered in blood.

Okay Dexter Season Four.

One Month Later on September 28th a teen and her hot mom are talking about what they’re doing for dinner. Tabby has been picking up extra shifts at work lately because she wants to give Imogen space after her mom passed. There’s something to be said about the cycle of a mom dying and this teenage girl about to have a baby, but it’s lost on me because all I’m paying attention to is the COSTUME design happening. It’s great. Imogen comes downstairs and is skipping breakfast but will eat after school. I’m catching vibes that she’s living with Tabby Hayworth and her mom Sid which is yet to be determined.

Time for Tabby and Imogen to head to school!

They’re walking to school mulling over the fact their parents were friends in high school. Neither of them were aware of this information, but they pass over the conversation quickly in lieu of Imogen being nervous to return back to school. On the way there, they stop at her house to pick up a few things but she’s got TRAUMAAAA and is not going to go in. Fair, considering I would also never step foot in my own home if my mom was brutally murdered in there. I am a very sensitive baby who can’t even sleep right now reading Michelle McNamara’s book so seeing my own blood and kin lying in a heap of her own filth? Count me out please!

Tabby’s headed on up the stairs to put the key beneath the mat when a figure moves in to frame in the house, watching them. It genuinely scares me but neither girl notices it, showing up to realize it’s Spirit Week at school. Karen is in the front doorway selling cupcakes and stops Imogen to check in on how she’s doing. Tabby, rightfully so, calls Karen out for being a narcissist who hasn’t checked in on Imogen, genuinely and she’s like ok but I was there too so like??? I have more brownie points than u, Tabby <3

I love when friends try to monetize trauma. Gimme more.

We cut to a screaming Karen running out of the house flooded in red lighting. Ooooo this is MUCH darker than the original Pretty Little Liars, I’m here for it.

Karen hugs Imogen and says in her ears “nobody wants your pregnant, tragic ass here.” Karen is uglier than Imogen, making me think she’s jealous of her, but she also seems more popular so I’m confused what her MO is. Tabby says fuck everyone, you don’t owe anyone anything and you can sit with me at lunch. Imogen is like thanks <3 and heads to class as we get introduced by a new bad bitch in town:

Faran, a hot girl who does NOT have the time to say hi to Karen despite Karen’s desperate pleas. Karen shifts her attention to some girl named Mouse looking at a GSA poster and says Mouse doesn’t need to come out, they already know. Mouse bravely calls her a dick and turns around to run in to some girl with an ankle bracelet on, who bonds with her over the fact that yes, Karen is a raging cunt.

Karen and some girl named Kelly.

The girl with the ankle bracelet is named Noa and has to show up first thing to the nurses office with pee every morning for some reason. She says hi to Kelly in the nurses office and they’re?? twins?!! Noa walks by some guy named Shawn and has a massive freak out about her life being a shit show, saying she has to pee in a cup for the rest of the year and do community service, too. She’s sad she has to miss the dance with Shawn because she has to stay at home and oOOOOOooO indicates there might be some sexy time, ok!!!! I could NEVER in high school but you go off! Kiss in those halls!

Ope, mood ruined though. A text from an unknown number says “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” AHHHH!

In a film class, Tabitha calls out the teacher for not putting a single director who’s a woman or person of color on their list of films they have to watch and he’s like ok well this was vetted by my colleagues so?? Old people can’t do any wrong? You can watch whatever movies you want outside these walls and she tries to plug her own film club but is shut down. Immediately getting a text from an Unknown number that says “what’s your favorite movie?” Tabby gets on edge when the guy responds he’s a Peeping Tom. Imogen gets a more direct text that says “Look out the window” and it’s a terrifying guy standing some way off.

Horrifying.

Mouse gets a text that says “Can the mouse come out to play?” and the stakes are UPPED! Smart one that she is, she blocks the number. Good. In ballet class, Faran is given the part of the Black Swan and Karen doesn’t get a part but is rather, an after thought as “The Queen.” She makes eyes with her sister about how annoyed she is as Faran stretches on the pole as Karen makes an overt macroaggression about her being the Black Swan. An unknown number texts her that she’s going to slay as the black swan and vibes are off, she’s stressed out.

Side note, they have one actress playing twins Kelly and Karen! Very true to the PLL book series because Allison ended up having a twin later on! Spoiler!

In Pittsburgh, Faran’s mom picks up the phone to Faran excitedly saying she got the part in the ballet dance. Her mom says she’ll come to the high school to see her in the play but has a little moment of doubt because as we all know, the mom is one of the woman who’s friend Angela died in the first scene. People flank Imogen in the bathroom about what she’s going to do about the baby since her mom’s dead and panicked, she goes to the nurse and says she wants to get rid of the baby. She says since her mom’s not around to help raise it, the best option is to abort it but she’s six months pregnant and it’s too late which fucking blows oh my God.

This is worst case scenario.

The nurse says she can give it up for adoption in three months though and she’s like yeah, okay. Karen, meanwhile, tracks down Noa in the hall to say something condescending while asking if she’d vote for her for Spirit Queen. At community service, she’s cleaning up a section of town the mayor thinks has a lot of potential but isn’t quite there yet.

Back at the school, Tabby enters the boys locker room to grab a ??? Go Pro??? She goes to work and the guy from her film class, Chip, also works there. Noa, meanwhile, sees the creepy guy lingering in a nearby window while she’s cleaning up and goes to report him to the cop overseeing their community service. She catches a YOUNGER GUY giving him head in the service program and runs away.

Yikes! Men are BAD!

Tabby is cleaning the counter at the movie theater while her now Manager talks to her about directors the way men love discussing movies. He uses the words “auteur” and “Hitchcock” and immediately, I’m tired. Tabby makes a point about saying all the victims are sexualized before being killed in Dress to Kill and this MANAGER is like wow, you remind me of the girls I dated in college <3. She side steps that and says she’d love to go to NYU and also, can they do a double feature of Jordan Peele movies on Thursday? He’s like do you need a ride home? And she says sure and he’s like great.

Okay bad vibes, bad vibes.

Imogen goes back to her house and smells all her mom’s things :( Poor girl. She sees the ultrasound of the lil’ baby in her stomach and cries before spying the flyer Davie got before she died. Opening it up, she finds the note on the back. Ay carumba!

Noa comes back from community service and her mom says “you don’t need bad influences in your life.” A flashback plays indicating she was also there the night Angela died which we’ve come to understand seeing as all of the mom’s kids are being targeted. The manager Wes brings Tabby home and stops on the side of the road to smoke weed. He says “you’re something else you know that Tabs? You’re special.” He dangles NYU in front of her saying he’s talked to his old professors about her and they’re impressed which WE ALL KNOW IS A PLOY!!! IT’S NOT REAL!! She’s talking about Ari Aster and I’m groaning because I know he’s taking this as an opportunity to yep, there it goes. He’s holding her hand. He’s moving in for the kiss. Right as he does, he sees the fucking scary guy just standing there looking at them both.

Can’t believe the terrifying dude saved the day.

Back at home, Tabby says goodnight to her mom quickly before running up the stairs, flustered. She locks the door behind her and plugs in the camera she put in the guy’s locker room to just??? Take notes on their junk???

Why lol

In ballet, Faran is absolutely SLAYING the competition but her teacher only says “good enough.” Henry apologizes for sweating on her but he seems gay so idk what this is. The teacher calls her in to the office afterwards to chide her for not staying for class the day before. She’s not going to get to Alvin Ailey (whatever the fuck that is) with that attitude, missy!!! She says she’s thinking ABT but the teacher says “I doubt they’d take you because you had scoliosis.”

Literally why is no one rooting for hot girl Faran :(

In the computer lab, Mouse meets an Ash who says Mouse should come to one of the Spectrum meetings, which is the gay people meeting. He’s like we have good snacks there and it’s a safe space and I don’t get why they’re flirting if Mouse was established as gay but Alright. Imogen meets with the principal about the possible abortion she floated by the nurse and he’s like we’re all so worried about you :/ Maybe you should go to a different school WOWWWWW. I’m sorry, what is the principal doing? Edging her out because she’s pregnant and wants an abortion? He literally says people are “Triggered by her presence here” and she says what classmates?

Cut to a cafeteria scene where Imogen is on the prowl going after Karen. She says “are you fucking serious?” and the entire cafeteria turns to watch her chew her out. Karen’s like “you’re unhinged :/” and Imogen turns to Karen’s boyfriend Greg to say “will you finally tell her the truth?” Imogen’s so god damn fed up she says she’s going to run for Spirit Queen against Karen and she’s going to win.

Home girl storms out with her head held high.

At Karen and Kelly’s dinner, vibes are tense. Karen’s bitching about Imogen and Faran getting the lead role and her dad cuts her off to chew her out. We get the vibes she has daddy issues and that’s why she’s up tight but also she’s a bitch? Do we care? He says if she wants to dance the lead role she needs to be better and it’s super tense at their house thank God the scene is over.

Mouse, at home, is talking to Ash online because apparently she’s not a lesbian but we’re just going to dangle the gay thing out there and never portray queer relationships period!!!!!!!! Annoying! Mouse’ mom, who was also there the night Angela died, says a word of caution about Mouse talking to a boy she doesn’t know well and we switch back to ugh, Karen.

Karen is at dinner with Greg and she’s chewing him out about getting a suit or something for the dance. She’s talking about her parent issues including her mom being a coward and her dad being a dick. Greg says “it’s ballet, who cares?” and she kicks him under the table going off on his football games. She says “you’re lucky I let you touch me” and he gets up to leave, throwing money down on the table on his way out.

Good, put her in her place.

At school, Faran is dancing when she sees a figure in the mirror. Home girl is ALL alone at this school and I’m stressed! I don’t like this! She’s running around! The lighting is eery! The Madam interrupts her line of thought asking why she’s not practicing and then saunters out past her. At Imogen and Tabby’s, the two talk about Imogen’s bold decision to go for Spirit Queen and she opens up about having a ton of panic attacks the previous day. She reveals she asked the nurse for an abortion but didn’t really think through it. Given the circumstances, Imogen is like idk if I can be pregnant I mean I went back to my house and found this invite my mom received the night she died and I’m freaking out, I can’t figure out why she killed herself. Tabby reassures Imogen she will be okay and better yet, she’ll win Spirit Queen and the two guffaw.

Everything’s going to be okay :’)

At school, the Janitor yells at the mysterious man and tells him he can’t be in the school. Following him outside, the Janitor enters a little side room shop thing and sees a ton of weird shit, including Faran’s shoes, a mouse, and a ton of flyers, laying around. He says he’s calling the Sheriff and the dude slashes his throat.

Sad reacts only.

Imogen shows up to school the next day and sees a ton of Karen’s posters slashed out with “Bitch” and “Whore” written on them. Obviously, Karen pulled the classic Camp Rock move (I recently watched this) of staging her own bullying to get the good girl out of Final Jam. The principal calls Imogen to his office, thinking she defaced Karen’s posters, and Karen gets a dead fucking rat in her purse!!!!!! Good!

In the computer lab, someone sneaks up on Mouse and that someone is Mr. G. He asks if Mouse put a rat in Karen’s bag? Things aren’t looking good for anyone because weed is showing up in Noa’s urine sample and she’s like I didn’t though? Not me? She’s getting detention for a week and my girlfriend just joined the show to ask “where are they finding all these black principals?” upon seeing the nurse is black.

Love when Ana shows up for the last six minutes.

In ballet, Karen’s foot is hurting and the teacher takes it off to find a fucking razor in it. She accuses Faran and she’s like why would I do that? The teacher sends her to the principals office and it looks like they’re all in detention, baby.

Breakfast Club time!

Imogen tells the group yes, her and Karen used to be friends but now Karen wants to destroy Imogen because she kissed her boyfriend once. Faran says Karen put razor blades in her own point shoes to get Faran kicked out and Noa’s trying to figure out if Karen threw her drug test for saying she wouldn’t vote for Karen for queen. I put together Noa saw Karen’s dad (the cop) getting head from a kid and OHHHHHHHH!!!!

BIG TWIST.

Mouse talks about her backstory with Karen which isn’t big, she just introduced herself as Mouse and Karen calls her Rodent. Imogen is really rallying the troops against Karen and they’re saying they should cancel Karen. They all agree to get payback on her and decide they’re going to kill Karen as the next rational step.

Overall, I’m giving this a 7/10. I think it introduces modernity in to the show really well, making it a pertinent teen show to this time period specifically, and I’m not sure I’ve seen something that introduces that with ease in a while. I genuinely jumped at a few scenes and enough was established to keep me invested, but I wonder if it was too much, if every spinning plate will come down. Having an ensemble of five is muuuch different than four and though each plot is unique in itself, I worry HBO Max is taking on too much to chew. Given that it was an hour long, at times the pilot dragged on. Though yes, I am curious to see what comes of Pretty Little Liars, being an avid fan, it doesn’t stick out in my head as one I care to continue watching in the long run.

A lot of my friends have hyped it up hardcore, though, so maybe it’s worth sticking with it.

See you next week for whatever Q show I can think of !!!!!!!

This, and next, week on Now Playing we’re going to be examining the wide eyed world of Pretty Little Liars, a show I religiously consumed throughout high school/college. If you asked me what book series I’d die with growing up, clutched like pearls in my early age casket, I’d have told you very confidently at fourteen years old “I want to be buried holding the first Pretty Little Liars book.” To me, the series was EVERYTHING: hot, salacious, borderline psychotic. I wanted nothing more than to fall in line with the main characters insane behavior: Hanna’s shoplifting problems, Aria’s brazen love affair, Spencer’s willingness to risk it all, Emily Lesbian. Though the latter may not be true, judging by the fact I doubt I had any sense of sexuality in middle school, I truly looked up to the people in the PLL series so much that in hindsight, a lot of my bad behavior may have been curved had I never engaged the series. The Midwest doesn’t suck per se but when life is monotonous its hard not to crave chaos, the kind that follows four girls around in a single letter. The infamous A.

I didn’t fantasize my life falling to shit, I enacted it *kissy emoji*

Pretty Little Liars is an early 2000’s to mid 2010’s bonanza in both book and television form. Following the lives of four girls - Spencer Hastings, Aria Montgomery, Hanna Marin, and Emily Fields - the series navigates typical high school life with one caveat: an ever looming “who dunnit” disappearance. After their fifth friend Alison DiLaurentis disappears from their sleepover and her body is recovered later on, the four start getting mysterious texts/demands from an unknown number named “A.” These girls got a lot of secrets, Aria fucking the teacher, Emily being a lesbian, etc. etc., that A threatens to out unless demands are met throughout the entire series.

Growing up, I wanted to be Spencer. Buzzfeed, however, just dealt me this hand after taking a quiz.

It’s gnitty, it’s gritty, it’s got an age gap relationships between teacher/student that should not exist. At some point, I’m sure we’ll cover the lengthy series on my podcast Ya, We Read It (plug) and in the meantime, you can read my love letter to Ashley Benson in Instyle here.

Let’s GO:

3oh!3’s Don’t Trust a Hoe plays on a stormy night as the five (pictured above) have a girly girl sleepover. They’re laughing when all of a sudden, the music cuts out. The storm has cut off the electricity and Spencer, Hanna, Emily, and Aria inch towards the door, scared. Out pops Allison and this is the last time we’re going to see her alive besties so take note. She lovingly teases Emily about maybe liking the new Beyonce a bit TOO much and passes alcohol to Aria to drink, a natural born leader. I whisper “Leo” under my breath but according to Google, Allison is a Gemini!

The worst of the signs IMO (If my ex is reading this, I hate you please die :) )

Bitch that she is, Allison drops the phrase “friends keep secrets” and smiles knowingly. The lightening thunders and everyone’s asleep, Aria being the first to wake up. Time has passed and no one knows where Alison or Spencer are. Spencer comes back in a little Old Navy argyle sweater and says I can’t find Ali anywhere. I think I heard her scream though.

BOOM: A newspaper with the title “STILL MISSING.” A title boasting “One Year Later.” The gang? Is NOT having a good time.

We start our little deep dive in to these characters with Aria, who is in an empty bedroom wearing a Rue 21 dress saying it’s weird to be home after a year away. They went off for “dad’s sabbatical (recovering alcoholic? What does that mean” and Aria’s upset because it’s the anniversary of Ali’s disappearance. Her mom is encouraging Aria to give her old buddies a call! Just do it, they’re probably also hurting. Aria’s dad tries to console her on the way out to no avail and Aria says she’s “still keeping their secret” between dad and daughter.

SPOILER: She caught him cheating on their MOM!!!! You couldn’t catch me dead keeping that from Miss Mary Baby Gates despite my personal feelings on her.

Aria drops her little brother off at lacross practice as some early 2000’s inspirational song plays in the background. “I Won’t” by Colbie Caillat rolls in to some new song equally as banshee coffeeshop woman-y. Aria sits at this bar at 4:15 on a weekday as an older guy next to her asks her questions. Well looking enough, he asks Aria how she’s doing and she says “a bit jet lagged, I’m back from Iceland” and I kick myself knowing I’m having the same line of thought as this older teacher thinking yeah, I’d also assume this girl is older than 16. I didn’t even leave the country until 28 and since my experience is universal, it’s nuts to me she spent a year abroad.

This is not an excuse for grooming, just a line of thinking. Back to the grooming.

(Insert hot teacher’s name I don’t know yet) talks about spending time in Reykjavik and how he’s starting his first teaching job, soon. The Fray’s “Happiness” plays on the speaker and Aria says I love this song, I want to teach someday. I’m leaning towards majoring in English and I write, I’m a writer. Seeing this as an invitation, Mr. “Hot Teacher” asks if he could read her writing and compliments her taste on music for liking Billboard Top 100 Band of the Time the Fray. He says he’d like to know more about her and boom, they’re making out in the bathroom.

I don’t really get how people in their mid/late 20’s can’t tell when someone is younger than like, 20. If you’ve got no eye bags, ask their age!!!!! Ask it in general! Also, what the fuck is his name!

Enter hottest girl alive Ashley Benson Jesus fucking christ I want to die. I want her to stomp me out with her heel. Hanna (Ashley Benson) is trying on glasses flirting hardcore with the register guy. Her friend Mona (this name made me laugh a lot as a fourteen year old, as you might have guessed) compliments her eyewear. “Ay Carumba Hanna, how much is that gorgeous set of eyeglasses you’re rocking?” Mona says verbatim (false) as Hanna responds “$350 you dumb bitch.” She then walks away from the counter INSISTING she’ll be right back (false x2) and waltz’ over to find Spencer shopping. This is shocking since Spencer interns for the mayor, is redoing her barn, taking classes at Hollis, and is tweeting: something as important as the other three. Hanna and Spencer bond over the anniversary of Ali’s death and silence overhangs them as Hanna finally breaks it apart, asking what Spencer is looking for, an item to wear to her sister Melissa’s engagement.

Hanna recommends a showy little purple number before walking out with her sunglasses on. Her and Mona are two bad bitches who love that five fingers discount.

The school bell rings as Aria pulls up with her dad. Before she goes in to school on her first day back, her dad gives her a little monologue about how he loves her mom but he made a mistake. Yes, unburden this on your teenage daughter before she goes back to high school after her summer vacation. She watches him drive away before having a flashback with her and Ali ignoring Mona on their walk home. Ali pulls her on a side street where they find Aria’s dad making out with some woman in his car.

Oops!

Emily jolts Aria out of this flashback and is genuinely excited to see her. She’s like hi! I miss the pink strip in your hair! How are you? Aria, shooting down this kind gesture, is like um? We kind of lost touch… Why are you being so friendly? Similar to Hanna and Spencer, they also bond about the anniversary of Ali’s death, saying how awful it is that she’s likely dead, at this point. Walking in to class, Emily is like “moving right along, I heard the new teacher is hot.” Hanna enters after them with Mona in tow and Emily lets Aria know Hanna’s the new It Girl, indicating all four of them fell out despite living in the same town. (Insert Hot Teacher) is writing his name on the board with his back turned to the whole class and his name is Mr. Fitz! He turns around to see Aria and says Oh crap!

You’d think now would be a good time to shut this whole love triangle down but no, no, no. They draw it OUT over the series.

Aria gets a text that says “Maybe he fools around with students all the time. A lot of teachers do. Just ask your dad. -A” and has a minor freak out. She has no idea who this number is and is wondering if it’s her maybe dead friend Allison? Who else could A be?

Time to get to know Emily a bit!

Back home, Emily is tense. We get the idea she has a lot of expectations set upon her by her mother as she divulges info that Aria is back and her mom meets it with immediate criticism on how she used to have pink hair. “That kind of behavior might fly abroad but not here” she says as she packs up a wicker basket to bring somewhere. Emily vibe checks her mom, saying some people dream of making it out of Rosewood.

Apparently Allison made it out, she’s dead now!

Emily brings the Wicker basket full of goodies to the new residents of Allison’s house. This gorgeous girl walks up to retrieve the gift basket and says Emily can have whatever she wants from the box of stuff that was in her room. Emily and her have a conversation about how that stuff used to be her friend Allison’s but they “don’t really hang out anymore.” Hot Girl asks Emily if she’d help with the rest of her boxes and Emily smiles, agreeing to it. She digs a bit deeper asking why she isn’t friends with Allison still and Emily is evasive, picking up a photo of a guy asking if this is Hot Girl’s boyfriend. She compliments Hot Girl on her boyfriend and says she has her own boyfriend, Ben. Hot Girl compliments her body in return saying yeah, Emily definitely looks like she’d be a good swimmer.

Nice.

Maya (hot girl) says her mother is a cellist but she is not, indicating she plays other instruments instead. She asks if Emily would kill her if she smoked a bit of weed, seeing as she’s a jock, but Emily’s a cool girl, she plays it cool. “Go ahead,” she says with her arms crossed before obliging to join Maya in smoking weed. Seeing that she’s a swimmer, I DON’T think this is a good idea, but we’ll see how it plays out. She says this isn’t her first time smoking which is a lie and Maya asks if it’s okay she’s corrupting Emily. She’s like yeah, I think I am :’)

Okay flirting vibes!

We shift gears to Spencer, who has just gotten done revamping the barn in her backyard only to hear her perfect sister Melissa will be moving in with her fiance Wren while they redo the place in the city for them. Spencer and Melissa have tension, seeing as Melissa is the golden child of suburban white mom’s, and this is why I related to Spencer so deeply growing up. Their relationship in many ways resembled the way I felt towards my own sister, striving but never necessarily fitting up to the perfection she emulated. The two in this show are closer in age, leading to more problems that stem from inherently competitive women, but damn if I didn’t FEEL THIS SHIT as a kid.

Anyways, Spencer’s not too happy to give up the barn she redecorated to live in her Junior year while Melissa gets it immediately, since she’s “in a couple.” Wren comes out to shake hands with Spencer but she’s quick to avoid an introduction, sidestepping his invitation to retreat to the barn.

Later that night, Spencer is outside reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” while Wren steps out to smoke. She chides him for this, being a med student and all, and asks if her sister knows, which she doesn’t. She says Wren is different than the other boys Melissa typically dates and when he asks, she says welp! Time to get to dinner. She says she actually likes him, which is unusual, and he smiles.

Lots of back door flirting happening, wuh oh!

The perfect follow up to the Spencer-Wren scene, Aria enters Mr. Fitz school room after school. He says “listen, I though you were amazing when I first met you, but I also thought you were in Hollis” but doesn’t move his hand away when she insists that this move is what’s right for them both. She insists he feels it too and he’s like we just can’t and walks out of his room.

Good! Fucking set boundaries you go back on later on!

Emily and Maya walk home brushing hands, oooOO! Emily says she has a bit of time before her practice at 4 and Maya’s like wow, I’ve never had a jock friend before, guess that makes you my first :) Emily’s smile fades as she sees garbage men putting Allison’s stuff in their garbage bin. She divulges to Maya that Allison went missing, how she doesn’t like to talk about it because then she has to think about it and Maya apologizes, kissing Emily VERY close to her mouth. They awkwardly giggle and Maya apologizes, leaving a smirking Emily behind to go to swim practice.

GAYYYY.

In the locker room, Spencer is there post field hockey practice as Emily opens her locker to a note that says “you’ve found another girl to kiss?-A.” Emily’s mood shifts and the scene ends.

On to some good ol’ fashion Spencer/Wren flirting. Spencer is getting a Diet Coke to go into the jacuzzi and you’ll never guess who also comes in to the Kitchen wearing checkered swim shorts: British accent Wren. He asks Spencer for a towel and she throws him the one around her shoulder. Massaging her shoulder, she lets him say she had a tough practice today and he’s like don’t worry I know what’s wrong and he starts to MASSAGE HER. Sorry, I’d never be this comfortable with any man let alone my sister’s fucking boyfriend. She’s like, letting little moans out as Melissa calls out “Wren” from the other room and Spencer ROCKETS out the door.

Her one smart move thus far.

Aria’s mom and dad are trying to reinvigorate their loveless marriage by drinking wine as they unbox their house. Mom’s like ugh, neither you nor Aria seem happy to be back and dad says he hopes the family stays as close as they did in Iceland. The mom is sus of this comment but leans in to him anyways, ruminating over the DiLaurentis family and how hard it must be for their daughter to be missing. It’s a sweet moment outside of the fact we (the audience) knows the dad CHEATED!

Spencer is casually reading on her bed in a business tie and three piece suit. She spies on Melissa and Wren kissing outside the barn while her computer yells DING! It’s an email that says “Poor Spencer. Always wants Melissa’s boyfriends. But if you kiss, I tell- A” and now Spencer is in on the A drama. Who could this person possibly be?

Flashback episode, BITCH!

Hanna, Allison, and Spencer are all hanging in Spencer’s kitchen. Melissa walks in with her boyfriend, Ian and he offers to help Spencer with her field hockey shit. Melissa chides him for being a babysitter to Spencer and Allison drops the mysterious “you need to tell your sister.” Melissa is like “? what?” before dipping out with Ian and Spencer is MAD! She says OUTSIDE to Allison and there they go, ready for some girl on girl CRIME. Hanna is sus of this and lingers near the side door, watching Allison tell Spencer “she’s going to find out. If you don’t tell her, I will.” Spencer’s like alright, tit for tat bitch- if you tell everyone about me kissing my sister’s boyfriend once I’ll tell everyone about “the Jenna thing.”

She goes to her window to look out longingly and maybe sees.. Allison?

Emily goes to Aria to say someone left a very personal note in her locker. They ruminate over the idea maybe Allison isn’t dead since no one else knows what was in their personal notes. Aria says Allison’s probably playing with them now since she loved to do it when they were alive. Emily asks if they should tell someone and Aria says she can’t so I guess they’re both just kind of fucked. The conversation switches to bonding over how they both feel alone in Rosewood and they both just seem kind of tired.

I also would be exhausted if I was a high schooler being blackmailed.

Back at Hanna’s mom’s house, Hanna and her mom talk about how Aria is back in town. They discuss Hanna’s moms divorce and how exhausted she is talking to people about the breakup, indicating there was a bit of foul play on his end. Apparently, Hanna’s dad dumped Hanna’s mom and whatever that means, I have no idea. Hanna checks her phone to see a text from Spencer that says “we need to talk” as the front door bell rings. Hanna gets up to get it and lo and behold, it’s the cops. They say Hanna’s been on tape shoplifting a pair of sunglasses and fucking handcuff her in front of mommy.

At the station, her mom puts on the freaking CHARM trying to get Hanna out of a bad situation.

Hanna’s phone rings again with a text from A saying “be careful Hanna, I hear prison food makes you fat.” Her mom walks out and Hanna follows her and from what I RECALL from the books, I’m like 90% sure her mom blows the officer to get Hanna out of jail. Her mom gives her a lecture about shoplifting, saying she buys her everything she wants to be popular, and Hanna says that’s not why she shoplifts. She shoplifts maybe as a substitute for her eating disorder? To get her dad’s attention? No idea. She apologizes to her mom and her mom says you’re going to deny you did it, I’m taking care of it.

Yeah, with HEAD.

A fire ambulance passes Emily walking on the street and she runs up to Maya’s house, frantically looking for her friend. Maya tells Emily they found Alison’s body and she watches as a stretcher rolls past them with a body. Hanna is the next to show up on the outskirts of the crowd with Aria following in her car. Spencer sees from far away and Aria runs to her as musically plays in the background. The two talk and Hanna saddles up next to them about how they all made a promise not to talk about “the Jenna thing.”

WHAT’S THE JENNA THING!?

Back at Hanna’s house, Hanna eats a ton of ice cream as she watches the news about Allison’s body being found. There’s banging on the door and Hanna mutes the TV as she sees the cop from before making out with her MOM!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!! Her mom looks behind her shoulder at Hanna, disappointed, as Hanna watches helplessly.

Damn the DRAMA of this pilot.

Allison’s funeral is the next day and it’s a harrowing time. Emily hugs Spencer and Jesus Fucking Christ, Mr. Fitz immediately seeks out Aria asking if she knew Allison. They have a melodramatic moment where Fitz is like “I don’t know what’s worse, staying away from you or being a jerk about it” and Aria’s like oh wow, this man. I should open up to him. He apologizes for being a jerk which no??? You’re just setting a boundary??? She says “I’d never want to do anything to get you in trouble” and kisses him on the cheek to which, he kisses back hard!!!

His eyes are way too far apart dear God.

Aria walks in to church and hugs Mrs. DiLaurentis. She sits up front with the other Pretty Little Liars where they talk about how Ali was popular in life and death. Hanna takes out a flask and gives it to Emily to drink a bit as Aria receives a text. Though it’s not from A, they all piece together they’ve all gotten a text. Spencer turns around and sees Jenna Marshall, a blind girl, walk into the church and they’re all surprised. Allison’s mom asks if they were friends with Jenna and they say no.

For those who don’t know, I think the five girls caused Jenna to go blind

Outside the church Detective Wilden hands them a card and says he’s going to need to talk to each of the four girls about Allison’s disappearance. Since it’s no longer a missing persons investigation, he’s resolute on figuring out what happened that summer.

They watch Jenna enter a car concerned as all their cell phones ring. The text reads:

“I’m still here, bitches and I know everything. -A”

Overall I’m going to give this pilot an 8/10. It’s enough to get my drama desperate ass interested, with secrets laid out like a world to be built upon, and quite frankly: the cast is super fucking hot. I wouldn’t lose an arm over Lucy Hale but Ashley Benson and Shay Mitchell could destroy my life if they wanted to. I’m probably impartial, since I loved the books and adore looking at things through rose colored glasses, but I enjoyed the pilot enough. Did it stand out amongst other dramas of its time, with a rotating plot of mystery, secrets, and high stakes? Absolutely. Is it a background show to be put on with bingable content that can be missed and not necessarily revisited? You betcha.

That’s the duality of a Hot Girl Show.

Today on Now Playing we’re diving right in with the OA! I know little about the OA but wanted to cover it after seeing Brandon Perea’s profile on the New York Times following Nope’s release. In the article, he talks about Nope as a sort of comeback following the OA’s quick cancellation after two seasons, a shock for many fans following its cliffhanger ending. Although creators planned for the series to have five parts, Netflix only green-lit two despite it’s favorable criticism. I know very little about it outside of the fact it sounds like Sense8, with many supernatural, science fiction elements, but I’m eager to see what the pilot has in store!

I’m keeping this intro short N’ sweet since this first episode is ONE HOUR LONG.

Part 1, Chapter 1: Homecoming opens with shaky found footage of traffic on a bridge. A blonde weaving through crowded cars and bypasses the person filming to jump off the bridge. The kid filming this is freaking out but don’t worry, the next scene indicates Ms. Suicide is gonna be already. She wakes up in the hospital three days later a-ok because she hit the water feet first so she’s not all banged up. Unsure if this means she can’t walk anymore but that’s not the nurses concern, she’s just trying to find the family of this woman. She’s also wondering how this lady got scars on her body and what her name is.

Boom, title of the show. Blondie’s name is “the OA.”

Cutting to a house where a woman named Nancy lights a candle, the tension is thick. Nancy lights a candle in front of a photo of who I believe is the OA in question and Nancy’s sister Erica is asking her to log on right now to see a Youtube video of, you guessed it, Nancy’s daughter OA jumping off a bridge. I feel like I’m getting a lot of the facts wrong here and anyone who’s legitimately seen the OA would be laughing at how I’m translating this, since I HIGHLY doubt this blonde chick’s name is the OA, but I’m just reporting the facts as they come and the facts are OA’s mom is NOT stoked to see her daughter jump off a bridge on Youtube.

Nancy and her husband Abel go to the hospital ASAP.

The person leading them to OA’s room lays down the facts STAT. OA has some scarring on her back, she should be in the psych ward, things like that. These people are like hey, that’s all nice and cool, but we’re just trying to see our daughter right now and the nurse is like :’) Fine. OA sits up in bed saying “who are these people?” when they walk in the room which is an absolute vibe check. Wish I had done that to humble my mom after I tried killing myself and she had to come get me from the hospital, too. Her mom takes her hands and has her touch her face and that’s how she figures out it’s momma talking to her. We learn her real name is Prairie and the family is crying at this reconciliation. Even more wild, the girl went missing seven years ago and was blind back then.

The nurse is absolutely baffled.

They take dead name OA now Prairie back with them to her home as she finally sees her neighborhood for the first time. People are chasing the car waving because a video of this girl just went viral on Youtube and also this blind woman can see now. Reporters flank her alongside people with signs and she puts a blanket over her head as she walks back inside. Internally, Prairie is telling herself her name is not Prairie which I’m excited about because it’s a pretty hard name for me to spell. I keep forgetting there’s two I’s.

She feels the carpet under her feet and smiles before falling to the ground in her home.

Officers have shown up to ask her questions about her disappearance. They probe about the night she disappeared and she says I’ve been present for all seven years I’ve been gone. She says she walked for a long time to the bridge she jumped off of but wasn’t sure where she came from to get there. She tried to get a ride and got picked up by an old woman in a dusty car on her way where she was brought to a shelter with other presumably unhoused people. Once in the shelter, Prairie was like “not for me” and tried going back to where she was held captive only to find an empty place. The bridge she tried jumping off of was only a conduit to get “back to them” and the police are very confused on what this means. They’re like ma’m we are the only place people should ever go to for help why??? Not call??? Us?

Love that even in this fictional world the police aren’t helpful.

Prairie does drop a wild phrase that the captives she was with “died more times than she can count” and the police are like okay, we’ll drop this for now. Upstairs Prairie lies awake tossing and turning letting out the word “Homer” as she aggressively turns on her computer. Her computer talks at her with an automated voice to indicate what she’s doing on the computer, since she was previously blind. Trying to get into the Wifi, she needs the password but doesn’t know what it is to Google Homer. Searching around her house for the Wifi password, she eventually finds a video recorder carrying clips from her youth. She watches the tape for a bit before rifling through other shit. She finds an alarming amount of knives, stakes, can openers, and almost pierces her finger before her mom comes in to intervene. The two go on a nice late night walk and her mom asks why Prairie can see now. Prairie says she can’t tell her and mom moves on to a new subject about how the neighborhood ran out of money and couldn’t finish building all the new buildings they meant to finish. Prairie sees two neighbor boys on their roof doing back flips and filming each other before they spot her. “Shit that’s Prairie Johnson,” they say.

We cut to one of the roof back flip guys having sex with some girl the next day. I hope this girl sticks around because she pretty quickly leaves after having sex and is annoyed he wants to watch movies with her. She’s like “Steve, you’re hot, but we are just fucking. I like some guy in chorus,” to which, he punches a wall and cries after hearing lmfao. Steve’s dad opens the door to find him standing butt naked in front of his window and is completely unfazed which, incredibly realistic- my parents never knock as well when I am naked. We learn Steve is also in high school because his teacher emailed his dad about how he’s a big bully which tracks for some dude who punches walls.

Can’t relate to the bully part, can’t relate to the no boundaries in high school with my parents stuff.

Underneath the sheets, Prairie films a video for someone she was probably romantically involved with about describing beds to each other and missing sleeping next to whoever the fuck Homer is. She says there’s moments she thinks she made Homer up and honestly, maybe she did because I thought she was talking about legendary Illiad author Homer. Her mom opens her door because NO ONE CARES ABOUT KNOCKING HERE and Prairie’s annoyed since she still hasn’t gotten the password for the wifi. Her mom’s like “about that, we’re monitoring phone and internet usage” because the hospital said your child needs to be watched all the time. Wild, my parents let me watch scary movies in the basement alone after I tried yeeting myself off this Earth because I was like “I don’t feel anything” and then I didn’t sleep for a week.

Haunting of Hill House is fucking terrifying whether you want to live OR die.

Prairie sneaks out of her house in the day and hikes up to a house with her camcorder, letting herself in the back door. It’s unfinished, so there’s a couple different people just hanging out in this house, and she goes up to this guy asking for wifi. The guy is like this is? An unfinished house? There’s no electricity.. Maybe ask someone upstairs? And she goes upstairs to ask but is accosted by Steve, who’s selling drugs to some kids. He takes her camera and won’t give it back to her because he’s like uh, I’m selling drugs here. Worse, she’s not gonna get it back because there’s a dog he orders to fucking attack her. She bites the dog back and the dog starts whimpering before she says “you’re good, you’re good,” and the dog calms down! Good for her! She’d make a living being a pet trainer at Pet Smart. She takes the camcorder back from Steve and someone breaks the silence asking how she got her sight.

She shakes her head and walks home with a bloody arm.

Bathing herself back home, her mom watches over her in the tub and asks if Prairie will please just work with her a bit here. She’s trying her best and Prairie won’t tell her anything so she watched a video of Prairie looking for a Homer and ooo, Prairie is embarrassed about her mom knowing she’s got a little crush on the Illiad author. Her mom’s like are you hearing voices again? before going on a monologue about Prairie running or some other childhood memory for us to bond ourselves to the character. She tries inquiring about Prairie’s scars but Prairie pulls away. It’s not that she doesn’t want to tell her she just knows it would hurt her mom to know the truth. She asks for time because I mean, she’s in the bath tub. She deserves a little privacy.

No idea if Prairie is in high school but once again, very relatable. I’m 28 and my mom STILL throws the door open when I’m in the bath.

At school, Steve, who also looks like a thirty year old actor playing eighteen, gets pushed by the field hockey team and opens the chorus door to look in scoping out his competition. He sees the lead singer Miles, who has a very nice voice, and chases him after school to compliment him. Miles is like honestly, I don’t want to talk to you- you made fun of my friend for being gay and Steve’s like I get it :) and instead punches him in the throat.

If this is going to be one of those “he’s a bully because he’s in the closet” plot lines, I don’t care and don’t want to see it!

Shaky footage of dolls films the screen as Prairie pivots in to being an at home cinematographer, I guess. She films herself talking about a boy she met who she thinks has something to do with everything going on. These videos are clearly a diary for whoever Homer is but the filming gets interrupted by Steve climbing up to her window demanding she let him in. He bought her a mobile router which apparently will help her get internet. Of course, this is a sort of “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” scenario so I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. He sets up this little router for her to be like I need you to get me out of going to this military school in Asheville and she agrees to help but on some conditions. She needs five strong people and is going to use the abandoned house as a meeting point.

They agree to be in cohoots for whatever it is the other needs.

Biking up the street together, they’re suddenly best friends going shopping talking about this girl Steve likes. She’s like “you don’t want to go there anyways until your visible self is more realized” and Steve is like that’s confusing, what does that mean is that like a thinly coded way of saying I have no desires? He gets defensive and makes a deep cut about her being a grown up who still lives with her parents. They’re still buddy buddy though as she tries on clothes and STILL gives him advice to just being a gentler person. She hears him whisper boring and he’s confused as to how she heard this, turning around to see her insane scars on her back before turning back. It’s a really awkward scene but she’s got everything she needs to go in now and pretend to be Steve’s parent to get him out of trouble.

A teacher recognizes her on her way in but she keeps her cool at Steve’s school, strutting in her high heels to Broderick Allen’s room to talk about Steve’s behavior to none other than PHYLLIS FROM THE OFFICE LMFAO. Phyllis lays in to Steve about how he’s costing hard working students the right to an education and has real psychological issues. She’s planning on removing Steve from the school and Prairie asks why Phyllis became a teacher? Maybe Steve can’t learn because Phyllis lost track of why she wants to teach. Boldly claiming it’s because Phyllis lost someone and that’s why she stopped enjoying teaching, Prairie goes on a monologue before Phyllis is like let me stop you there, your son punched someone in the throat and now he can’t sing so I don’t really care, I don’t want it here. Prairie keeps artfully gaslighting, saying “if you want to do your job, focus on the bully, not the angel singer. You can help him become a man,” which Phyllis mulls over. Walking out after this moving speech, Prairie once again says her name is “the OA” as she leaves.

Confusing, I’d still kick him out, honestly.

The next day, Phyllis winks at a smug Steve and I’m sorry, but we really need to remove the guy? I don’t want a redemption arc for him he fucking punched some guy in the throat. OA did her job though and is now logging on the internet to see if her love Homer is still alive. A story from Jefferson City plays about a news clip following a star quarterback ending up in a coma who wakes up from his lil’ near death experience to be interviewed on how he almost died. Despite the game almost KILLING HIM, he’s like I’m gonna return to football to win <3.

Assuming this is OA’s high school love, the clip came out in 2007. I will assume she’s in her mid twenties.

Her mom's like Prairie, there’s an important phone call for you, the FBI <3. Handing her the phone, Steve is on the other line to sing her praises but Prairie is like no no no no time, I need five people at midnight. Feels like Steve’s a man of his word but she’s asking a lot of requests including leaving their front doors open when they meet up in this abandoned house later on. Steve, rightfully, is like this sounds really sus, I got you a router, I think we’re even but she keeps pushing. She’s at the end of her rope and needs to help someone and plus, she “chose” Steve, whatever that means.

He ends up agreeing to bringing five people later that night.

Phyllis runs in to Steve’s dad at the grocery store to sing the praises of his “new wife” as his current wife saddles up to him. This isn’t about to end well as the Winchells go to knock on Abel and Nancy’s door with Steve in tow. Nancy invites them in to the living room and Steve comes clean about trading the parent teacher conference for internet. Overhearing this, Prairie runs upstairs to record herself asking for help on the camcorder while the adults downstairs wonder out loud if Steve and Prairie are gonna fuck, next. Steve comes to her defense saying they’re just friends and he says her help makes him feel better, he values her friendship. Upstairs, OA is panicking trying to upload this “I need help video” to Youtube while the downstairs brings up maybe OA should be committed. I mean shit, they’re sending their kid away, they should take care of OA too and follow hospital guidelines.

They take the camera and her BEDROOM DOOR AWAY.

Phyllis, who’s name in this show I refuse to learn, is on the phone talking to someone about how the situation was unavoidable, mistaking Prairie for Steve’s mom. She opens Google to look up OA and it autofills to Over Eater Anonymous before bringing up Prairie’s video, which prompts her to close her laptop immediately. Brandon Perea, however, also gets the video sent to him by a friend with the caption “Steve ratted her out.” Watching the whole thing, OA goes on to say “I need to crush an invisible border you can’t see, but feel.” She goes on about how though she can’t change their fate, she can help them meet it.

The kids who were at the drug trade earlier on where the dog attacked Prairie see this video and head out to meet up with OA at the abandoned house at midnight.

Jaye, the girl Steve is hooking up with, sees Steve walking drunk on the side of the road and asks why he punched this guy in the throat at school. She’s like you’re going to get kicked out of school and offers to give him a ride. As he loads his dog up in to the car, he sees a front door open before getting in. In the front seat, Steve asks why she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend and she says she wants to get good at sex so when she falls in love, she’s good at it. Plus, she sees Steve looking in the mirror at himself during sex so who cares. He’s also in it for himself. She drops him off at his house as he runs up his driveway clearly very excited to go meet up with OA at the abandoned house. Leaving his door open, he runs up the street as OA blows out the candles she left out for people to come.

Just in the knick of time, here they all come.

Steve’s like I’m getting Asheville so fuck it, let’s ball. She’s like I can’t, though, I need at least five. One of the kids asks where exactly she’s going and she’s vague once again, saying I need to go somewhere but it only works if there’s five people because I need to leave someone behind. As Steve insists she starts, another pair of footsteps radiate throughout the abandoned house and up walks PHYLLIS!!!!!!!!!

WOW!!!!

This is going to make me cry, she must just be like a lonely old woman.

OA tells them her story from the beginning about how they can all help people they’ll never meet but until then, they have to trust her. She asks them to close their eyes and go on this journey with her before detailing how she was born in Russia in 1987 to a very wealthy father who owned a mining company. He made a lot of money he paid to the Voi living in a very rich area in Moscow. At FIFTY SEVEN MINUTES IN TO THE FIRST EPISODE we get the title sequence:

Netflix Presents: The OA.

Let’s get it poppin, bitch.

She talks about losing her eyesight and how she was not born blind. It’s an aerial shot of Russia as people’s names play over the screen. Having the introduction this far in to the episode is definitely a choice and one of the executive producers being Brad Pitt is certainly another one. Sweeping shots of snowy terrain play and the episode certainly isn’t over seeing as there is twelve more minutes. OA goes on to detail how a new house was built on their land all the time, the man who drilled coal, the man who made cable. She grew up with the sons and daughters of oligarchs and her mom died in childbirth, leaving her father and her behind in a huge house. She had a lot of crazy dreams like one where she’s trapped in an aquarium and can’t get out. Waking up for comfort from her dad, she’s picked up by a big man and speaks fluent Russian to him. He calms her down and cancels his afternoon to console her on this. Driving out to an icy river, he gets out of the car and grabs a crowbar from the trunk. He then picks up his daughter and begins breaking the ice to what, put her in the cold water???

Yep, that’s exactly what it is.

She goes to the hole he made in the ice water and submerges herself, shivering as she goes. Looking back to check in on her dad, she says her dad taught her about bravery that day and the dreams of the aquarium never came back. Her nose didn’t bleed for an entire month and now, she was starting school, heading there on her special, nondescript, black bus. She says he wants to get off the bus as all these kids are talking about death and not feeling like they belong anywhere. Once again, her nose starts bleeding and the bus careens off the side of a bridge, falling in to icy waters. The kids scream as the car floods with water, slowly sinking to the bottom of the river. OA goes down to try to push open the car window and notices there is light beneath them so maybe they can break one of the windows. Swimming to the front windshield, she sees a hole and swims out of the car, swimming to the surface to see it covered in ice.

She says every kid died that day including her.

A hand reaches through the universe to grab her up out of the hole and it’s actually really beautiful, there’s lights everywhere and a motherly woman asking if she wants to go back. She says it will be very hard and she will suffer but personally, the woman wants her to stay with her. Nina, however, wants to go back, and the woman obliges. She says she wont watch for her, however, and closes her eyes making her permanently blind.

She wakes up on the shore crying to her dad because she can’t see anything at all.

Overall, this pilot deserves at LEAST a 9.5/10. I didn’t feel like any part of it dragged, the characters were given their due diligence, and the mystery surrounding the episode REALLY got me hype for what’s to come. With overhead shots of a snowy Russia the OA is not only visually stunning, it’s also compelling in terms of plot that is not too dialogue heavy but plants enough seeds to leave you wanting more. The protagonists were fleshed out, the story didn’t give away too much in the beginning, and the supernatural elements felt natural to any world. I get why people were upset this got cancelled.

Yes, if you’re wondering, I am back in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this week bumbling about for a myriad of reasons. I’m aimless! I’m depressed! I am at the beck and call of whatever my family needs from me at any given moment because those two adjectives are typically all they ever expect of me.

Damn Meg. You’re getting a bit TOO deep in the intro. You ok?

In honor of one of my favorite shows Never Have I Ever coming back this past week (DO NOT SPOIL THE NEW SEASON FOR ME) I’m going to be covering the pilot as a sort of #tbt nostalgia type thing. Never Have I Ever premiered in 2020 at the turn of the pandemic to a myriad of praise for it’s depiction of a first-generation Indian American teen dealing with grief, popularity, and all things in between. Created by Mindy Kaling, the series follows Devi as she navigates sophomore year alongside her best friends. Drawing the attention of hot Paxton and intelligent Ben Gross, Devi’s life becomes messy while she processes the death of her father. It’s funny, touching, and incredibly sad at times.

It’s also one of theeeee best depictions of mental health I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Never Have I Ever deserves an endless amount of hype at least, on my end, on how it approaches trauma. Devi’s dad dying really fucks her up and instead of lying down and letting grief wash over her in waves, it comes in really violent, really angry riptides, consuming Devi until there’s nothing left but her and the beast controlling her. As someone who’s mental illness manifests in chaotic outbursts, whether that be pushing many loved one’s away through borderline insane behavior (maxxing dad’s credit card after the Trump vote (sry)) or shutting potential friends down, I’ve had my fair share of being on every end of the spectrum when it comes to insanity. For at least a few hours during the time I’ve spent losing my mind, Never Have I Ever was there to show another person pushing everyone away as a means of punishment as well.

Probably my favorite piece of criticism on the show is this one from my previous editor Evette that I highly recommend you all read.

15-year-old Devi Vishwakumar is praying to a shrine of assorted Hindu Gods with Geometry book laying out talking about her first day of school. It’s Sophomore year and Devi is trying to make up amends for her freshman year by being invited to a party with alcohol and drugs, having her arm hair thin out, and getting a boyfriend this year. She asks the God’s for help with this, especially the boyfriend thing. Aiming high for a “boyfriend who can rock her all night long,” John McEnroe is the narrator of this series.

That’s right: fucking John McEnroe. Angry, tennis boy we love and adore.

Her story starts when her parents Nalini and Mohan moved to the United States in September 2001. She loved her dad but things became complicated when Mohan had a heart attack at her spring concert festival. He ends up dying and a week later, Devi’s legs stop working, landing her in a wheel chair. Luckily, her two best friends Fabiola Torres and Eleanor Wong were by her side throughout this entire tragedy alongside Paxton Hall-Yoshida, the hottest guy at Sherman Oaks High. In fact, though she’s never talked to him, he’s the reason she can stand again. Seeing him playing football with his friends across the parking lot one day, she stood up to get a better look at his face and magically was cured.

All in Freshman year her dad died at a school function and she became paralyzed. Safe to say she’s hoping to turn this year around.

Pumped up, Dancing on my Own Plays as the Title Sequence hits the screen.

Her mother is on her ass about getting to school and Devi’s cousin Kamala gives her a lunch on her way out. Kamala moved in after Devi’s father Mohan passed to finish her PhD at CalTech. She’s pretty and smart so Devi’s obviously jealous of her, asking her mom immediately when she’s in the car how long Kamala is going to be living with them.

Too bad for her she’s gonna be there a while!

When she gets to Sherman Oaks, everyone is looking at her. Immediately linking up with Fabiola and Eleanor, she breaks the news to them that they’re not cool and need to do something to be popular this year. In fact, Devi has a plan this year to rebrand, saying Fabiola should dress differently to show off her curves and Eleanor needs to chill out on spontaneous singing. Devi says if they won’t change the next step is moving on to boyfriends:

Cue the entire conflict for the ongoing series: Ben or Paxton.

Devi tells them hey, we’re going to get attainable boyfriends this year don’t worry. Fabiola’s gonna go out with Alex Gomez despite him being a foot shorter than her and Eleanor will date Boriz Kozlov, the Russian exchange student eating a RAW ONION. Devi, meanwhile, will be going for Jonah Sharpe despite Jonah being gay. Technically, he’s not out yet and he’s popular so it’s the perfect shot for Devi to springboard off of into popularity heaven.

Personally, I think that’s a full proof plan.

We’re introduced to Ben Gross who’s backstory includes calling Devi, Eleanor, and Fabiola’s friend group the UN, yikes! I didn’t know Gross started off racist I just thought he lovingly teased Devi cuz he had a crush on her, WOOF! He says Devi being in a wheelchair is “psychosymptomatic” according to his dad because he obviously is threatened by the fact she’s smarter than him. This is evident by them constantly competing in the debate club they’re in, a montage of 1st grade on showing them winning first and second place respectively. This class is Facing History and Ourselves and you’ll never believe who’s in her class with her:

Paxton.

“Damn” she says as he sits down in front of her, re-enrolled in this class after failing it his sophomore year. The actor who plays Paxton, I will note, is thirty years old and definitely doesn’t look like a high schooler when playing one in this show. She tries talking to him after class but the teacher calls Devi and Ben back in to try to distill the conflict between them, since Devi gets violent when she’s mad and beat by Ben. They agree but take their tension out into the hall where Ben makes fun of Devi flirting with Jonah driving home the UN thing again which apparently doesn’t mean United Nations, it means Unfuckable Nerds.

Rich coming from a guy named BEN GROSS.

At therapy, Devi is mad about Ben’s comment and asks her therapist if she things she’s bangable to which her therapist is like: I’m not going to tell you you’re sexy I’m just going to say that kid sucks and you should ignore him. The therapist tries focusing on the good things like how she’s back up on her feet and not paralyzed anymore. Her therapist is like “I think I have something that would help you: a grief journal” to which Devi says “if this doesn’t work you could always prescribe me Klonopin.”

Same girl.

At dinner, she tells her mom that her first day was okay at school but Ben Gross was still a dick today. Her mom savagely calls him 5’2 and then moves on to telling Kamala that her parents found her a match for marriage. His name is Prashant, he’s an engineer, but she’s not very excited about it. Devi is upset Kamala got a “husband in the mail” and she can’t even trick a gay guy to going to fast food with her and takes her meal up to her room, cueing a dream sequence where she remembers a night watching John McEnroe with her dad. She starts crying asking her dad if she’s ugly, indicating this is a moment she potentially is currently imaging more than anything. Her father tells her to fight back with her spirit and stand up for herself, hugging her as she wonders out loud what he’s doing here considering he died.

She wakes up as sad music plays.

The next morning, Devi serves up a hot look at school the next day. Wearing a short skirt and high heels, Fabiola says she looks like an Indian Kardashian. Fabiola says she’s wearing her best polo and Eleanor is dressed up as a 1920’s flapper girl. The plan is? Get the boyfriends locked and loaded.

Devi trips on her way to class.

Putting a big band aid over her bleeding knee, she asks Jonah if he’ll come over and gets in to an argument with Ben, which ends on him insisting his dad is hot. The teacher interrupts them to say they need to mend their present and both Ben and Devi snap back, getting them sent to the principal’s office. She says they’ll both report there after school to do unpaid labor because they’re in trouble. Ben said he can’t because he has to go cheer on his girlfriend at field hockey and the Principal lays into them about how she’ll call every Ivy and say they shouldn’t be admitted.

They start moving boxes of paper as punishment in to the computer room when Devi finds Eleanor kissing Oliver Martinez.

Eleanor admits they’re dating in secret because drama club would be up in arms if they knew a techie was dating an actor. Eleanor apologizes and says she didn’t want to upset Devi but yes, Fabiola knows. Clearly Devi is upset about this, shutting the door to scream outside and stomp home. Slamming open the door and throwing her shoes off, she storms upstairs feeling betrayed by her best friends. She puts on sweats and throws her Geometry book through the glass window, an angry episode spurred on by John McEnroe’s narrating. As her mom storms in to her room after the huge crash, she interrogates her on what happened to the window. Devi responds a bird flew in to it but her mom is quick to catch the Geometry book now sprawled out on their front lawn.

Overwhelmed, Devi storms out and runs down the street to her therapist Dr. Ryan’s office.

Unfortunately for Devi, Dr. Ryan has a date but concedes to helping Devi because she’s clearly in distress. She says her friends don’t trust her not to have a nervous breakdown and she hates not feeling like a normal girl who’s not called mean names. Dr. Ryan says having a boyfriend won’t make her happier or change who she is so maybe she should focus on the things she can succeed at this year that would make her feel good about herself. Thinking hard, Devi says she knows what she should do and skips out of the office. Pacing up and down outside of school, she sees Paxton walk out after practice and introduces herself to him, boldly saying she’s into him before going on a rant about how he should have sex with her.

Walking away ashamed, she turns around when he says “yeah, okay. I’m down.”

They shake hands as she goes home to write in her grief journal: “I’m gonna have sex with Paxton.”

Overall, I’ve got to give the Never Have I Ever pilot an 8/10. It’s so damn endearing and I truly have no complaints. It sets up a perfect premise to build off of later and the twist at the end with her waltzing right up to Paxton asking him to have sex with her was unexpected even after seeing it through once myself. I think what will always stick with me about this show is how in line and chaotic the choices Devi makes for herself in lieu of PTSD to feel power when feeling in control of nothing. It makes the ending so much more earned.

Feels like a short newsletter but alas, this was a short episode! Also, the dialogue between Devi and Ben is so fucking realistic in terms of that hate-flirting we all knew and loved in our early/late teens. (Just me? Just me? Who knows, I’m mean).

My relationship with Man Seeking Woman is a touch and go basis, a show you can easily slip in to when you want and disassociate on the Pokemon Go app when you want as well. Really, I have a huge infatuation with Man Seeking Woman for its insanely surreal approach to experimental television, turning heartbreak in to bits for pure viewer entertainment. I jump in to the series when I want to explain the type of storytelling I wish I could capture to friends, something nonlinear, something abstract. Overall, however, I’ve never stuck with the series. It could be because an ex introduced me to it or simply, nothing sticks in a society built on consumption, but Man Seeking Woman is, for me, something I forgot about until it’s there once again.

This is not to indicate I don’t revere the show but more-so, a comment on my short attention span.

It’s concept is straight forward enough: a Chicago dude bumbling through the dating scene looking for love. Trying to get over a recent breakup, Jay Baruchel finds himself in many unordinary, unusual scenarios, turning the mundane into something bigger than itself. I remember watching one episode horribly hungover on a couch in Chicago, where Jay receives rejections from women in the form of college acceptance letters. I laughed out loud when one of the letters was because she is now a “female only campus” and poked my friend to point at the screen. “Me” I indicated, nudging him to say “same,” the guy I was fucking next to me the entire time.

I hate all my exes and hope they’re all having a bad Tuesday. Suffer.

Jay Baruchel is wearing a coat cause he’s cold (brr!). He’s leaving his now ex-girlfriends (Maya Erskine) house wondering out loud if they can be buddies and she responds yeah, in time! aka the universal sign for fat fucking chance! Why anyone would want to be friends with an ex is beyond me, I tried it for years because I love self harm, but I know many friends who actively talk to their abusive parents every day so what do I know! Yes queen, keep calling your mom! Keep vying for your dad’s approval!

Maybe toxicity is the key to happiness.

They shake hands, he takes his newt Isaac Newton, and Jay’s on his way home, a storm cloud following only him in otherwise sunny Chicago. Ah fuck. Not only is rain falling from this sad cloud, birds are too!

Not looking too great for my mans, Jay.

Eric Andre is going through Tinder and Jay is laid out on the couch in despair. Wondering out loud if dating apps work, Andre matches with a hot girl eight blocks away. Unfortunately for us city folks, we know eight blocks is too far. Andre starts narrowing his options down to someone a little bit closer by and is on his way out. Jay, sad, regales how him and Maya were together six years, can you believe it? He looks forlorn at a college photo of them as I yell “IT’S TIME! TO MOVE! ON!”

Do we know any married couples from college we’re truly proud to claim we know?

Andre invites him out to a place called Torch tonight where Jay will “crush gash.” He asks Jay if he’s read the Game, the way to a girl’s heart but he actually has his own game in plan, meeting up with his sister’s friend she’s going to set him up with. Andre is shocked Jay didn’t ask to see her photo before meeting her but he’s going in blind, baby. And that’s really fucking terrible for him because she lives in the dumpster and is a literal troll.

She looks like this and drinks anti-freeze, my dream.

His sister hits him with a million questions of “do you go to the gym?” “do you have a job?” He’s a temp, like me, and I respect him for that. His sister is really begging him to give her buddy Gorbachaka a chance and he does. They have dinner and he is such a nice guy to this troll person who literally doesn’t say any words and looks terrifying. He pays $12 to buy flowers for her that she chews up and spits out. He continues asking her questions to which she grunts responses to, a first date in pure silence outside his end. He says his friend Eric spend hours trolling the internet and his date gets mad and bites his hand then his leg, dragging him under the table at his offensive comment. As she runs towards him he kicks her and she hits her head against the wall. His sister asks why he doesn’t think it’s going to work and he says because Gorbachaka is, quite literally, an ugly slimy troll.

He apologizes for his outburst saying it’s on behalf of his recent breakup.

Gorbachaka stands in the door way and snarls, a sad troll. As Jay limps home to take care of the massive bite mark on his leg he reflects on his previous relationship, sad music playing the entire time. Seeing the shirt Andre left out for him, he goes out to the club and gets in line only to be pointed towards the back by the bouncer. It’s a $20 cover, bitch and he’s gotta get in but first? He’s gotta hit on this blonde girl outside. He unzips his coat to show her his shirt and she’s horribly confused. The bouncer turns him away for being an absolute weirdo and Jay Baruchel rolls with the punches because he is the perfect everyday guy.

Back home, Jay sets up his profile in his fancy shirt. His parents call while he tries uploading a photo of himself and they compliment his shirt. Chastising him for not putting plane tickets to visit them on the discover card, we get our first real fact about his character: a 27-year-old temp be still my heart. They say it’s not his fault he’s broke but his sister’s a special case, getting promotion after promotion. They ask how the date went and talk about how they met to which, Jay mutes the phone call. Sadly eating cereal, he calls his ex Maggie (Maya Ensrick). She says it’s great to hear from him and he should come over to this huge party. He bandages his leg, gets a nice shirt on, and buys Proseco for the party, excited for a new chance.

Too bad for him because Eric just dropped she’s seeing someone new named Adolf. Adolf Hitler.

In this universe, Adolf faked his own death, is great at karaoke, and is surprisingly charming. He’s having a really hard time grappling this new truth seeing as (fact 2) he’s Jewish and also it’s Adolf fucking Hitler. He murdered millions of people. Eric Andre and the girl he’s with are like hey give the guy a chance just as Maggie calls him over to say hi. Adolf rolls up in his mobile wheelchair and pours Champagne for everyone. He’s ANCIENT and freaks out when Josh (Jay) introduces himself to Hitler cuz unsurprisingly, his last name is Jewish! He’s being a charming host, offering up old music to play on the CD Player, and him and Maggie lock tongues.

Jay proceeds to get really fucking drunk.

Hitler bonds with Eric Andre over new age dating styles. Andre tells him about Tinder and Hitler admits how he got women back in his day, by telling his soldiers to get them for him and then burning down their house. That was his Tinder. Maggie said “I wish I was there with you” and Hitler says “you’d be dead” and she’s like :/ I know, I know. He goes to get her German Beer as Maggie bops on over to Jay. He says “I miss you” because he’s drunk and uh-oh! Here it comes! “Why are you with this guy?” and she says we just fell in love! He admits he loves her and asks if she still loves him? Loudly, he proclaims he’s better than Hitler and the whole room goes quiet. Eric Andre says he should leave but should apologize to Hitler before he leaves. On his way out, he tries to get into the cab with Andre and his new girl to no avail.

This character lives in Pilsen! Fun!

Taking his Proseco to go, he tries to get on the train at a very nice Belmont station that is clearly not Belmont. Having to hop the railing, he knocks the Proseco over and slices his hand open, sitting on the bench next to the platform feeling sorry about his life. Vanessa Byer sits down next to him and he attempts an incredibly awkward conversation with her, opening with “good thing it’s the weekend.” Luckily, Byer meets him with equally awkward conversation and at the last minute, he decides to get on the HOWARD BROWN LINE!!!!!!!! YOU LIVE!!!! IN PILSEN!

Buddy!!!! You’re going to have to get a very expensive Uber home!

They bond on the brown line and try to figure out if they have mutual friends starting with Jake’s, a cursed name. They find one person they both know the name of and that’s kind of it on mutual conversation that they get to before she leaves. He introduces himself to her and before she leaves asks if she’d like to go to dinner with him. She gives him a business card before awkwardly exiting. Looking at this card like his life depended on it, he exits the train as he gets a call from the MacArthur foundation. He’ll be receiving the genius grant for picking up Laura. Asking many inquisitive questions on how he struck up a conversation with her, they take notes on how Jay secured this date. He’s enthusiastic to tell them on the phone about how he asked a random girl out and this group of blokes are very excited for him.

Next up, the President.

Mr. Obama calls to praise him about how the old-fashioned way still works when asking out someone. Getting out of a car waiting for him with his name on it, a ton of reporters flank his side to interview him on how exactly he secured a date with someone. “Hitler aint’ got shit on you dude” Andre yells, pointing at him from outside his window. Jay’s on top of the freaking world, even going so far as to let his pet Isaac Newton go.

A hawk immediately swoops on to his windowsill to pick Isaac up.

At only 10 episodes per season, coming in at 30 episodes total, I’ve gotta say Man Seeking Woman is one of the more inventive shows I have seen in a long time. I’m a sucker for anything bit heavy and abstract, judging by the giant Scott Pilgrim poster on my wall, and Man Seeking Woman is absolutely inventive in bringing in big time actors throughout it’s three season run making a cohesive show that is sketch heavy as much as it is plot. You invest in Jay’s character, a good guy bumbling through his own world, and relate to how heavy everything feels following a breakup, how no one seems/looks as good as your ex, how your ex’s new partner is the devil incarnate. I’m going to give this pilot a 9.5/10 because I really liked it but I can’t be too easily impressed according to film Twitter.

And now you’re wondering “where the hell was Yeehaw Meg this past month?” Great question. Well, July was a little difficult for me, besties. If it wasn’t two weeks of COVID, one week of me stressing about losing my job, and another week getting horrendously down on myself, it’s was just plain old not wanting to do anything creative! Period! I don’t know if you know this, but I am not a machine built to survive this modern climate at all! I am simply: an elegant oaf!

I love Now Playing, and am going to try to be consistent with it again, and if you can all just have patience with me here as I try sorting my life out that’d be great! I know only like- two of my friends actually reads this (hi Megan! hi LeRoy!) - but for those two friends I SHOULD be working harder! They sign in to see me throw shit at a wall every week!

And I must say this little “shit at the wall” newsletter has gotten me 1) Interview with Bustle and 2) This piece with Vulture last week

Are you completely fucking over me talking about myself? I am too. Let’s discuss this week’s pilot episode.

Now, contrary to popular belief, I have not seen the first L Word, I am solely a Generation Q stan. This show, however, is a staple to the lesbian community and since I am on the letter L, it would feel almost criminal not to include this one as the first L show covered. I’m a big fucking lesbian after all!!! I live this shit daily!

Seriously, the amount of drama in the Chicago lesbian community, wooooo boy.

The L Word aired from January 18, 2004 to March 8, 2009. Following the lives of queer, bisexual, and lesbians (you guessed it) alike, The L Word featured televisions first ensemble cast of bisexuals and lesbians! Despite all the insane controversy, including biphobia and transphobia (I’m just going to guess this is also present in the show), the L Word depicted lesbian sex for the female gaze in a way that was virtually unseen before on television. Not only is this show near and dear to my heart, Ana and I were also compared to Alice and Dana on a Tiktok of ours by multiple people!

Pretty depressing if you know how that one ends! The video went viral though so who can complain really.

Time to start this episode I know has a sex scene in it while my mom does dishes in the other room! I’ll update every time she interrupts me for something mundane.

The L Word begins with sweeping shots of L.A. Tina holds a pregnancy test in the bathroom and Bette excitedly professes they’re having a baby, trying to kiss her and initiate sex which isn’t great for me since, again, mom’s in the other room! They get in their car and drive off to work waving goodbye to their neighbor Tim.

Shane and Alice are at the coffee counter ordering but hot shot Shane’s gotta head out for something at 9:00. She scoots out the door past a group of girls eyeing her and we get the sense ok: Shane’s the hot one. Tina and Bette show up but only Tina stays, sitting down with Alice and who I think is Dana (?) to talk about how the “insemination is happening later that day.” Bette’s talking about how they’re going to Dan Foxworthy, a shrink, for couples therapy and Dana’s like woah but you’re happy no happy person needs therapy (lie) (not true).

Rolled up sleeves guy Tim goes to pick up Jenny from the airport and we get an introduction to the worst character in the history of television. As previously stated, I have not seen this show, so I do not know Jenny’s deal at all, but I know many people despise Jenny and I am eager to find out why. Think it might have to do with the previously aforementioned biphobia but only God knows, at this point.

Tina’s in her lil therapy sesh with Dan and Bette’s late, showing up on the phone and not hanging up too fast I will say. This guy cuts through steel saying should ya’ll have a kid if your sex life has been shit for three years? Bette’s like okay but we’ve been dating for seven and since you’re hating on us for our nonexistent sex life you clearly know nothing, as a cis-het man. Though Bette is not wrong about men knowing nothing, she is wrong about the fact they should be fucking!!! Like!!! Doesn’t matter if it’s gay or straight: Tina wants her cummies and Bette is withholding said cummies, something Dan calls out ASAP. He says the mutual dependency can be a deterrent to them having sex which can happen with women.

I’m hesitant to say “facts” when a man is speaking… but…

Red flag number two occurs when Tina said she fucking QUIT HER REAL ESTATE JOB to PREPARE for HAVING THIS BABY!!! Girl!!! You’re about to be pregnant for NINE MONTHS! You’re really just going to SIT AROUND THE HOUSE RELAXING !?!?!

!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Tina and Bette show up to this dude’s art studio to get his SEMEN!!! We really thought they were just going to go to the doctor to get this but no, Tina is keeping this semen in a vial between her legs until she gets home to inseminate herself and I respect her for it. IVF is like, $20k and what if it doesn’t work? Then what?

Tim, meanwhile, is showing Jenny the sights of L.A. including the beach and making out in the car in traffic. When they get home, he says our “neighbors aren’t really traditional” i.e. faggotville, USA. You’re welcome, Jenny we make everything fun. Tim introduces Jenny to her new backyard studio that she adores. He’s leaving soon too so she can paint away to her hearts desire. Go nuts!

Once he leaves, Jenny peeps on the neighbors who are a naked Shane and a naked blonde girl making out in the pool. Our innocent little Jenny watches them swim and fuck in this pool completely naked and it’s very hot. My mom left to buy groceries if you are nervous.

Tina and Bette bring the semen to the doctor and she’s like it’s easier if you’re aroused to inseminate the person. Bette is like oh God you’re telling me I have to fuck my girlfriend and Tina is like please, I beg of you. In the stirrups, Bette starts giving Tina head and stops to rant to Tina about how she’d probably never suggest that to a straight couple. The doctor comes back knocking on the door and Tina throws her hands up exhausted like “I will never get my cummies :/” The doctor shows Bette the semen they brought in and none of them are moving.

Guess it doesn’t matter anyways since Bette really doesn’t want Tina pregnant, regardless.

Jenny’s gone grocery shopping and is looking for a job application. Tina meets up with Dana and Alice at coffee and talks about their donors weak little sperm to which, Alice responds “Sean’s such a good lover I’m surprised his sperm was weak.” Dana doesn’t love this, indicating Alice should pick between tits and dick at some point, and here we get the first sign of biphobia! Yikes!

Ah to be alive in 2004.

Tina’s asking them to help her find another donor in the next two days, since that’s her window of ovulation, and Shane shows up to join the squad for lunch. Dana’s like please Shane can you not dress like such a dyke, tennis sponsors aren’t going to want to back me if they know I’m a lezzie and everyone, rightfully, jobs down her throat for this. Shane is like it’s fine, I have to go I have a meeting in a bit and Alice tells Dana she’s going to shrivel up with her internalized homophobia.

Also Dana, tennis is the most LESBIAN sport, are you kidding? We all did it. We all loved it.

Back on the sperm question, they see Jenny walk by the shop and Dana makes eyes at her like helloooo. None for her though as Jenny goes back to have sex with Tim and explains the sex she saw between Shane and some random blonde girl and they’re fucking to Jenny describing this sex scene.

It is very hot. I am enthralled.

After railing his girlfriend Tim goes to work to teach swimming at a nearby college. He’s telling one of the swimmers he coaches that his girlfriend’s moving to LA for the long haul and we get a little semblance of maybe he was hooking up with her? Uh oh!

We must love hanging out in the coffee store because Bette, Tina, Alice, and Shane are making fun of Dana for how gay she is which, light teasing is what she deserves. Alice has decided they’re going to host a party at Bette and Tina’s on Saturday to find an eligible sperm donor. They tell Dana to get her bush waxed too if she’s looking for bush confidence.

Important fact of life: bush confidence is key!

Jenny’s peeping over the fence when Tina pops up gardening. They introduce themselves to each other and I’m not sure Jenny has pieced together Tina’s not the same blonde Shane was fucking but if she has, she isn’t letting on. They bond over how Tina wants to go back to school but is trying to get pregnant and Jenny’s like but??? lesbian???? Jenny also sees a gay dad group walking with babies and is BAFFLED by how many queer people she’s around in LA. Tina also invites Tim and Jenny to the party tomorrow if they feel so inclined.

Okay, so I get that they’re trying to move us towards the “Jenny having an eye opening gay experience in the future” type plot.

Night of the party! Two girls are fighting over the fact one of them kissed a friend and Alice drops a comment on how lesbians mistake friendship as foreplay which is not far from the truth. Shane shows up to the party and some girl immediately calls her out on not calling her back, sorry about it! Shane’s a player! The girl leaves mad and runs in to Jenny on the way out, who she tells to yell at Shane on her behalf. Tim saddles up to Dana all excited to meet her and Dana pulls her doubles partner Harrison nearby to pretend they’re dating. All the girls roll their eyes at this, as they should, but if it’s also going to impact your sports career I’d probably hide my sexuality too! Especially for tennis.

I’d do anything for tennis :/

People are comparing index and ring fingers which is the gayest shit I’ve ever seen and Shane shares a glance across the way with some girl. Dana’s doubles partner Harrison hits on Tim but he doesn’t pick up on it because he’s a straight guy. On both guy and girl end I cannot emphasize this enough: TENNIS IS THE GAYEST SPORT!

Shane’s making out with the girl she made eyes with previously as Tim comments there are a lot of lesbians here at this party. Shane WINKS at Jenny, indicating they obviously are going to be a thing, and Dana’s little fruitcake drinks a fruity drink because he’s a fruit. Harrison’s making a joke about lesbians that completely goes over Tim and Jenny’s head and Dana pulls Tina aside to chew her out for inviting straight people. They’re sussing out donors with this one guy who’s hair is graying and he’s like no because this kid is inevitably going to hate his life with you both and come crawling to me.

Alice is sitting on the couch flirting with Jenny asking about the prize she won in fiction. Jenny’s eating it up and Marina, the owner of the coffee shop the Planet, sits down next to them to ask about what they’re talking about. Alice admits she’s a journalist for the L.A. Magazine and Marina says she also reads short stories by people like Amy Bloom and Anne Carson. This is the gayest fucking conversation I’ve ever seen of Marina and Alice competing over Jenny. Marina asks most life altering book Jenny’s ever read and Alice has them both whisper it in her ear and it must be the same answer because she gets up to leave.

Bye Alice!

Bette and Tina are interviewing eligible bachelors for their own sperm. This guy says he’s bow-legged and wouldn’t want to pass it on to any kid but they both are like oh we can work with that. This guy clearly doesn’t want to be their donor and they pull away eventually, retreating from finding a donor.

We meet a new character down at a movie theater who’s being pulled over by a cop. She’s on the way to her “first gig in a year” and her license is expired by six months. She’s trying to sweeten up the cop with backstage tickets to an Ivan Brothers concert and it works, he folds but not before he says she’s going going to have to leave the car on the street. The cop escorts her to the “gig” which ends up being Bette and Tina’s party. We learn the mysterious strangers name is Kit as Alice greets her at the door.

Marina finds Jenny near the bathroom and is staring her down intensely. She follows Jenny in to the bathroom and starts kissing her to which, Jenny isn’t opposed. She embraces her but then leaves the bathroom quickly to find Tim, who’s talking to people about how he was on the Olympic swim team. Jenny is like “take me home, now” and whether it’s because she’s upset or horny, no one can tell. When they get back she tells him she “felt weird” and he’s clearly upset because he was talking to important people about his time on the Olympics. The minute he sits down she immediately starts blowing him to prove a point to herself she’s not gay but he pulls her head up to start fucking instead. They’re going at it and she seems incredibly unimpressed but nevertheless, straight women persist.

Alice tells Bette her sister Kit is here and she visibly tenses. Kit skipped her gig at the Roxy because she got pulled over and a man interrupts them to ask Kit to be featured on a soundtrack. Bette is like please go with him we can talk later, I know you need the money. Everyone’s hanging out after the party that was a huge bust since Tina and Bette didn’t find a donor. Shane heads out with Shane’s Slampiece and Alice heads out too to go home alongside Dana and her beard, Harrison.

Tim wakes a sleeping Jenny who is outside in the studio because she couldn’t fall asleep last night. She’s saying she woke up at 3:00 AM and came out to write which was “sooo scary.” Tim inquiries in to why Jenny was so upset and she’s like oh I was just drunk it’s not because I’m a closeted homosexual or anything.

Yes girl you stay in denial.

Dana and Tina are doing a soul cycle type bike class and Tina’s saying she’s upset they didn’t find a donor and Dana is saying she’s mad she’s always attracted to straight girls. We’ve all been there. Later, Tina runs in to Jenny at the cafe and invites her to come sit with them and tells them about a workshop she was invited to for writing. Alice, trying to be helpful or maybe flirting, says Jenny should check out her magazine for resources or join Marina’s reading group. Sensing she’s been summoned, Marina comes and sits down and asks Jenny if she’d like to join her reading group. The two are HARD core flirting and the girls take notice of this and leave. Marina apologizes and Jenny’s like “I’m not upset but I’m not, I’m not-” and CANT get the word queer out because SHE IS!!!! SHES GAY!!!!

Marina’s like fine if you’re going to leave let me walk you to your car. Marina asks if she wants to come to Radar the next night and Jenny hesitates before saying no, thank you. Marina opens the car door for her and tells her to call her if she changes her mind.

C’MON GIRL YOU GOT IT!

Tina and Bette are sweetening up a Jean Paul to be a donor. He doesn’t seem to really give a fuck about his sperm and whether they get it or not so he starts signing the contract but asks about the stipulations of said baby. They want him to cum in a cup, he’s like no? We clearly have sex, it’s the most straight forward option and they do this back and forth a bit. They’re like we don’t fuck men and he’s like I mean I can fuck all of you? This is the only option, I can’t bring a child in to the world if we don’t have sex. Disappointed, they take the contract away from him but I really think !!! They may go back in the future!

Bette is laughing about the whole Jean Paul debacle at lunch with everyone but Tina’s upset about the fact they can’t find a donor. Bette pulls her aside to talk to her and it’s clear they’re about to fight because that’s what they do.

Jenny says goodbye to Tim and she’s all dolled up to go, too. Tim’s like woww you look so good and Tim’s friend is like you’re going alone? Tim’s like yeah of course she needs to make friends and we trust her. She shows up to Radar and sits with the group. Shane immediately gets up with a girl to go play pool with her and Dana is mad she can’t pull the way Shane can. They all argue over the fact it’s because Shane’s nipples are perfect and Jenny takes the out to go wander around, clearly uncomfortable. A girl tries talking to her and she says “no, thank you” before storming out.

Embrace the gay, Jenny! Find inner peace!

Overall, I’d give the L Word pilot a 5.5/10. I’d feel like I’m hate criming my own community if I ranked it lower, but at times it felt slow and the insemination as the central debate took away from a lot of character development that could have been established in an episode clearly made to establish. I got peaks in to everyone’s personality but I wanted more outside of Tina and Bette. Even Jenny felt like she could have been given more justice to the intricacies of her behavior instead of a bathroom scene making out with Marina to indicate yeah, she’s gay. It sucked me in I will say, obviously, but the get at the end leaving us on “Jenny has unspoken lust” was boring. There wasn’t high enough stakes to get me as an audience and I feel like it could have been shorter with more concise, grounded establishing that makes you go wait: I want the next one and the next one. I hate to say lukewarm as a lesbian, but it was!!!! Lukewarm!

With that being said I will binge the entire series from here on out :)

One last hurrah before I go:

I have no idea what Kissing Game is but it is technically filed under LGBTQ on Netflix which, when considering the log line, is kind of homophobic. “Teenagers panic when they're threatened by the outbreak of a contagious infection transmitted by kissing” genuinely sounds like the biggest hate crime in the world. Set in a Brazilian, cattle-ranching town, Kissing Game is a Brazilian thriller drama Netflix put out in Portuguese. There’s not much on the show, and I had to do some digging to find it, but it looks like a simple premise - mass hysteria spread amongst teenagers as their horny adolescence finds them some trouble. Based on the description, I truly don’t know if I’d consider this “queer” as much as “I want to fuck because I’m 17” media but hey I guess we’re about to find out.

The show opens on a club with heavy bisexual lighting. It’s a Brazilian show so you know it’s about to be hot and everyone looks like they’re on molly. What I assume is the main character wakes up in a bed and is trying to find her friend Bel, who is currently sobbing on the bathroom floor. Bel really wants her friend Fran to leave because her mouth is all fucked up.

The intro plays and its fun electronic music. We’re in for a trip.

Someone silences their phone in bed and we get a wide shot of this guy waking up to an overslept alarm. He quickly runs around his apartment preparing breakfast because homebody’s about to be late to god knows where. His dad appears in the kitchen and tells him since he overslept, he lost his ride to school and his little brother waves on the way out. Biking aggressively, Chico makes his way to school not missing much outside of a discussion on Cow femurs. Fran also goes to this school and is texting her friend Bel wondering where she is, considering she’s not in school. She texts another friend asking about Bel’s whereabouts and the scene shifts to many school kids outside waiting to meet with the pricinpal.

Bel’s mother exits with blotchy eyes, uh oh!

The principal calls Chico into her office and chastises his posture as they sit across from each other on exercise balls. When learned he just moved here and is one of Progresso’s children which must mean his father is a pretty big deal. The principal asks to see Chico’s phone because some girl named Isabel has been missing since last Saturday. She’s just going to take a quick little look at Chico’s phone and notices wow, he was pretty close to Bel, the girl now missing. They’re discussing a place called Corpus Medius which is the party she invited him to that she went missing after. The principal gives him a big pep talk and discusses how there’s a border between them and the cult, a place they cannot go. They are not welcome there and in this community, there are certain rules they must follow if they are to remain safe.

Okay, tension!

We get a flashback of Fran and Bel hanging out in bed stalking Manu, the principals daughter. She’s currently in Texas and Fran comments that Bel must be jealous of her, wanting to get away from this small community. The two wrestle and get… very close, Bel on top of Fran with very palpable tension. Bel puts on makeup as they get ready to go out, oblivious to Fran’s detached air. Fran says she doesn’t want to go out because her mom isn’t well again and Bel says she always plans her life around her mother.

We learn Fran did, indeed, stay behind the night of Bel’s disappearance.

The principal is giving Fran a pep talk trying to sweeten her up to learn about Isabel’s whereabouts. She insists she knew Fran was over at her house and plays a voicemail Fran left for Bel wondering how she’s doing after getting back from the party. Once again, the principal says the “cult” is dangerous, luring kids in with false, exciting promises of sexual activity. The parties they throw are “just a cover” and that the cult is not responsible for consequences. The principal admits she knows Bel’s condition is serious and she needs Fran to take this interaction seriously if she’s going to help out her friend.

We get a flashback to the club and ya’ll, look at these colors.

Bel and Fran are at the club where this time, Fran has came with Bel. They find a guy named Alex who is “very high at the club.” They beckon for him to come down and ask what he took, trying to find drugs on him so they can take some too. In present time, Alex is now being interrogated by the principal about what he’s been up to at the club. She pulls out a vial of drugs and he insists he doesn’t know what it is despite the fact it was in Isabel’s purse. She says listen, I respect you because we both know who your grandfather is but I need you to talk. Maybe detention will jog your memory.

And in this small Brazilian cattle-town detention? Is scooping cow shit.

Alex and Chico get detention together and Chico’s like yo what’s up with the Principal and her weird little ball. Alex lets Chico in on a secret that the principal uses this technique to find who is lying, the worse posture you have, the more you’re lying. Listen, I could not sit on an exercise ball to save my life regardless of if I was lying or not. If you asked me my name, I would fall over even if I said “Meggie” so how this is an effective technique, I have no idea, but people in power: go off. Alex chides Chico for not clearing his phone history before going in with the principal as some girl named Marina posts her entire day on Instagram. She’s asking everyone what they think about Bel’s disappearance?

Apparently, Bel’s dad is the mayor of their town Progresso which is also an important thing to note.

Fran storms in to yell at Alex for what he gave Bel since the entire school is saying she overdosed. Alex says he has no idea what was in it, “they” just gave it to him.She says she’s stressed about Bel because she woke up screaming with a purple spot on her mouth. Fran is now in detention with them so they’re going to have a lot of time bonding but Alex says he also took the drug and has no side effects so she should just chill out. Chico’s like yeah Fran lighten up, it was her decision to take the drugs and Fran storms off, as she should. Chico runs after her and falls in to a time lapse where he has now biked to club Corpus ready to rage. We get more fun lighting, slow mo scenes, and people dancing/kissing.

God I wish this was me.

Fran and Bel are kISSING TOO and I really stan them as a couple. Chico breaks them up though because men need everything and Bel paints lipstick on his face and down his neck, getting all erotic with him instead of Fran. Bel and Chico start kissing and Fran watches sadly, swaying in beat to the music as I guess the woman she loves just fucking ignores her: rude. Bel sees this and pulls Fran close to her and now all three of them are kissing.

Brazil likes to fuck.

Fran walks home and speeds up when she notices Chico following her. She sits down for a minute and Chico asks if she’s ok, inquiring in to her feelings about Bel. He doesn’t like Bel but it’s obvious Fran does so he should just back the fuck up. Chico gives Bel’s lipstick back to Fran to give to her and then saddles away all proud of himself for “doing the honorable thing.” I know I’m being hard on him because I want Fran and Bel together but come ON. They’re kissing AGAIN with bisexual lighting going on, ethereal music playing in the background. I don’t want a MAN to stand in betWEEN THEM!!!!

Alex, the thirty year old looking seventeen year old, is getting checked for splotches on his body. His mom texts a Modelo Parents groupchat that everything is fine as Alex watches an ASMR video of someone drowned in pink/blue lighting wearing a mask. He closes his eyes.

The parents have a little work out group because they’re all bonding at the gym talking about bible passages and this cult everyone is worried about. Tomas, the main leader, is talking about the bible a lot when one mom says the border has been breached. The principal, mounting a step machine, says they need to take a more aggressive approach.

What that means is between this group of parents and God.

Chico is outside scrolling on his phone looking at the Brazilian version of Grinder and I fUCKING KNEW HE’D BE GAY. He finds a photo of a guys torso with a purple blotch and looks up to see the cowboy standing in front of him. The guy locks eyes with Chico before going in to the house behind him.

Kissing Game said ok time to learn about cowboy man.

Cowboy man is named Maurilio and he has a lot of cows. He has coffee with his friend who says it’s hard to get out of bed, that everything hurts. He’s covering for his friend Davilo herding cattle while she’s sick but is saying it may not be enough. The boss could fire her without reason if she doesn’t have documentation. He discusses another farmer on the farm who’s femur was wearing away and they were wondering if it’s because of the work on the farm. We overhear them talking from WU-OH Fran’s room!?!?!?!

IS Fran?? Their CHILD?

Fran paints a photo of a woman who’s body is being detached from itself and puts it outside next to a cross of a younger girl who must be her little sister. She goes live on Instagram filming the vigil she’s set up when Bel FINALLY texts her. Immediately, Fran heads to the hospital and runs in to Bel’s mom, firing off rapid questions about where Bel is. Her mom says they took her away to isolation and no one can see her, sobbing as she reveals this. Fran feels bad thinking this is her fault since she didn’t convince Bel not to go out. Her mother reveals they still know nothing about Bel’s condition or how the drug affected her when Alex is wheeled in sporting a purple lip.

Fran starts freaking out because Bel kissed Alex who kissed her and it’s just like- none of it is good.

Overall, I’d give Kissing Game a 6.5/10. It’s a great foundation to build a show upon but I wasn’t necessarily drawn in by any of it outside the flashy club scenes. I think Fran and Bel could be a great relationship to invest in to long term but the show relied a lot on the ol’ razzle dazzle than building anything concrete. Might finish it but more likely than not, I won’t !

Today on Now Playing we’re going to be watching Gentleman (J)ack, a show that technically starts with the letter J because I said so. Finding queer shows is hard and since SOME OF US (looking at you, Caroline Framke) want to tear down what LITTLE GAY MEDIA WE HAVE, we will probably not have any new Gay J shows soon! If there were, however, J shows, I’d like to throw a few ideas in the ring that might be JUST gay enough:

• Just Gay Enough

• Jumbo Boobs to Put My Little Lesbian Mouth On (Gay)

• Juiced Up (Maybe could be a gay male show? Sounds horny!)

• The J Word (juice)

I don’t know, could be fun! (Someone please hire me to be a writer)

Gentleman Jack is a historical drama series created by Sally Wainwright that tells the history of how butch and femme came to the forefront of American zeitgeist. Set in the 1830’s, it stars Suranne Jones as a landowner and Anne Lister, who I assume is her love interest, as an industrialist, whatever the fuck that means. The series is based on diary entries from Lister detailing her numerous lesbian affairs. With a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes, the series, which premiered in 2019, has seen a two season run with a new one set to follow. Even better, it’s based on real life diary entries from Anne Lister!!!!

Which came first: the lesbian or the strap on? (I’m kidding but just found this insanely interesting fact I cannot stop thinking about now: Archeologists found an oriental double ended dildo carved from jade that date back to the 10th – 13th century.)

Without further ado: Gentleman Jack!

It’s 1832 in Halifax and a horse drawn carriage with a blonde woman and her aunt in it is pulling up to cross a bridge. They look out the window and see Shibden Hall, a place the Listers must reside at since the aunt says the “Listers don’t invite people inside, typically. A third carriage very aggressively passes another one and knocks a kid petting a chicken out of a different carriage (many carriages), effectively breaking his leg. There’s a lot of blood and since this is 1832, that’s not good! What the fuck are they going to do to care for this poor kid!!!?!??

Some woman tells someone to go get Dr. Kenny because this child is about to bleed to death. She must be the keeper of the place because she goes to check in on Ann Walker, the blonde from the previous scene, and says their coachman’s going to drive them home. The people in the coach that drove them off the road are some incredibly inconsiderate ASSHOLES since they didn’t even LOOK when plowing through both carriages. This poor kids bone is sticking out and Marian, Miss Lister’s niece, pours them brandy, rolling her eyes when Mrs. Walker compares Marian to her older sister Anne. Where’s Anne? She’s in Hastings setting up home acting as a “sort of companion to Miss Hobert.” She’s coming home on Friday before inevitably traveling again. She’s looking for a new groom, whether it be for her or her sister is unsure, and they say “wherever Anne is, drama follows”

Que one of THE hottest show introductions I’ve EVER SEEN. It’s fiddle music with some woman putting on boots and stringing up a corset and I’m DRIPPING! I literally rewinded three times to watch this.

Anne strolls in to town with a man in her horse carriage who dislocated his arm. They went over a pot hole on the way and someone on board carriage beseeches her for her risky undertaking. She stands up to him before introducing Eugene from her carriage, a younger girl who pukes because of the shaky ride. She’s got a nice little feather hat on and Anne slaps her on the back like “c’mon champ my drivings not that bad.” She then goes to overlook her kingdom atop a grassy knoll.

This girl is REALLY upset to be back in Shibden, breaking fourth wall often to say how annoyed of her shabby little family she is. She rolls her eyes and strolls down the hill towards her family, who are now discussing some Earl Grey figure who is trying to have an audience with the king about the Reform Bill. Politician named after a tea? Or a tea named after a politician? They all run out to greet Anne as she immediately starts giving orders, introducing them to Eugene, her new maid. She stops through the corridor looking for her uncle who promptly asks about what went wrong in Hastings.

Eugene lugs her bags up the way and gives them to a Joseph Booth before going about her marry way, ignoring the boys talking because she doesn’t speak English. They follow her down the way with all her luggage as Anne and her family enjoy lunch. They discuss George, the groom shot out of the tree, and try to get to the bottom of how he got shot out of the tree. He was frightening birds out of the tree for people to shoot and got shot himself. Anne said she was super stoked to see his head get sawed off, the clearest lesbian thing I’ve ever seen.

George, the little boy who fell out the carriage, got his leg amputated. We also learn the Walkers did, in fact, take the Lister’s carriage so I am wondering when this budding romance between Anne and Ann (no way) is going to start. A man named Briggs is ill and won’t be able to collect rent for the next six months as Anne realizes well shit, that might be my job from now on which really sucks because I don’t want to be here at all. She storms out, walking aggressively down the street, and knocks on a door only to receive no answer. She goes to the back entry way and tries opening that door to no avail as well. She stacks buckets on top of each other, swings her feet over the wall, and jumps in to their court yard, knocking on the back door because literally nothing will stop my hot Dyke.

She asks Miss Briggs if her father is in and his wife brings her to him, a nasty disease taking over her leg. She tells him she’s going to collect the rent herself and she needs an up to date record because her uncle doesn’t really have a record. He sends his wife to get the Shibden estate records and groans, clearly in pain at what looks like a Henry VII ass leg disease. He gives Anne a little update on the town: Red beck’s flooded and, most importantly, her coal is worth more to her now than stone quarries, given the fact railroads have been popping up. Rawson Brothers would pay premium for it and she should sell if she wants to make a profit.

A gay AND a sugar mommy? What can’t she do!!!!!

Eugenie is throwing up again to which, one of the other house maids asks if she’s been drinking a lot. Slowly, the maid pieces together Eugenie is pregnant, saying it was George Playforth’s baby, the man who got shot out of the tree. They feed her Gin saying “hopefully that will work” and the maids freak out over Eugenie’s head in English and Eugenie tells this maid that maybe she should tell Miss Lister. The head maid is like why? And she essentially says “Because Miss Lister is a lesbian she’ll understand the salaciousness of my situation.” I’m not sure this maid knew Anne is a lesbian because she looks genuinely shocked, sending her to bed saying if Eugenie tells Anne about this, she’ll be fired.

Meanwhile, Anne’s outside petting a little pony sussing out his situation. The pony is a little sick and Anne takes his pulse, all signs pointing to the fact she’s a little doctor herself. She tells him to put a Mustard Poultice on him and keep him indoors. Her sister Maurine stops her when she comes inside and chews her out for not being at lunch to which, Anne dismisses. Maurine says “is it wise for you to be collecting the rent? People are going to talk” hinting at something spicy beneath the surface. She says it’s fine being different in York or Paris but in Halifax people talk. They’ve already been saying she “drove the high favor back from Wibsey” which she had to because they had cholera. Not only is she driving her little cars, she’s collecting rent now which is ALSO a man’s job. Anne opens a letter from Mrs. Lawton and reads it intently while Maurine asks if she had a falling out with Miss Hobert in Hastings. No time for Anne to talk though she’s running down the stairs to the kitchen to talk to the head maid about Mrs. Lawton sending word she will want to be staying with them next week on their way to York. Her maid is tense around her and Anne inquires about Eugenie to which, the maid smiles and says she’s doing well.

Ok clearly this maid did not know Anne is a lesbian.

Anne looks wistfully out the window and lets the sun shine on her while unpacking her stuff. In it, she finds her diary and flips through the pages nostalgically, stopping on an entry from April 15th about the “truth being out.” Her love was going to Italy without Anne and we get a flashback episode of Anne storming in to find her lover flirting with a Captain Donald. Ms. Hobert has invited Donald to dine with them that evening and leaves the two alone to talk for a minute where Ms. Hobert says Donald has asked her to marry him. Anne sinks to the floor crying because that pussy DEFUNCT now. That pussy’s got it’s OO email on. No More Ms. Hobert Munching on Some Hairy Time for Anne anymore.

She shakes herself out of this memory as her aunt says hey your uncle and your sister are hanging out in the drawing room if you want to join. I know I’m not interesting or cool but you can talk to me, too. Anne sits down and her aunt takes the time to talk about the Walkers and how young Ann is so shy which is weird because she’s at least worth $3k shillings a year. She’s got Aunts and Uncles to guard her fortune but what she thinks Ann Walker needs is a friend. Whether her Aunt knows THIS Anne is gay or not only time will tell but it does seem like she’s trying to set up Anne with Ann.

Hmmmm??

Meanwhile, back at the Walkers, some guy is timing how long he can hold Ann Walker’s hand. She looks really unnerved as he runs his thumb along her hand and it turns out he was just timing her pulse. He inquiries if they have any upcoming holidays planned and her aunt says they have a week set aside to hang out at the Lake District with her cousin Catherine. The doctor thinks she’s got some trauma built up from the little carriage jolt and the doctor says “maybe she’s just lonely, has she ever been introduced in the assembly rooms at Halifax?” Her aunt says since both her parents died and her brother died on his honeymoon in Naples they’ve been very wary of fortune hunters looking to marry her just to get money. Her sister Elizabeth also moved hella far away so it’s just been Ann which is a huge bummer for her!! The doctor was like keeping people home who are prone to melancholy isn’t that good an idea. Sometimes, we need to let them out for an adventure!!!!

Exactly. Let Anne finger blast Ann on the beautiful countryside.

A random man named Thomas Sowden greets the Hardcastles, who’s son is now on bedrest following his leg being torn up. Thomas gives the son a little figurine of a soldier he’s made and gives his whole back story on this doll, saying he was shot twice but persists despite his nasty back story. It’s a very sweet moment but the boy isn’t really up to speaking to people which shit, I wouldn’t be either. Thomas offers his help with the farm if the Hardcastles need and that’s all we get of that very sweet episode!

Anne is talking to her uncle about coal and he’s like oh you don’t want to get in to selling coal, it’s a nasty business. Anne greets everyone in town and they head on in to the local bar to find Mr. Hardcastle. Anne says she can come take a look at his son as soon as possible and both realize there’s still no information on who was driving the carriage that drove them off the road. Sowden, Thomas’ father, discusses rent with Anne. They go back and forth on how his rent was stalled so he could fix the roof but he didn’t fix the roof so now she’s hiking the rent up to fifty pounds. She’s like if you want to be treated fairly you will treat me fairly and respect your lease either respect me or I’ll find someone else. She’s like if you get the roof fixed in the allocated time you won’t have to pay for January but if it’s not fixed, you will have to pay. He forks up his money and says a time will come when tenants overthrow landlords which, God hoping.

1832 then, 2022 now and we’re still waiting.

Thomas and his dad go to the bar where he throws back a drink and Anne calls up the next person. She says she’s not going to renew this old guys lease because he’s sitting on good land a younger man and his family could improve. FUCKING BRUTAL.

Back at home we’re introduced to a Mr. Booth who opens the door to a Mr. Washington at the Lister Manor. He asks if Anne is in and goes to meet her, saying he lives in the Walker estate which he looks over while Elizabeth is away. He has a home in the grounds with his wife and six daughters and has been recommended to Anne via many other tenants. They banter before getting to the point about how she needs someone who will write to her regularly about his decisions as a landlord in her absence. He’s like okay so Shibden is your estate? And she’s like yes, my father left it to me. You’re going to answer to me also what do you know about coal? He says I know you’ve got a lot of it and he would either reopen Listwick or mine the coal himself. He wouldn’t lease to the Rawson’s because coal is cut throat and people don’t always play by the rules, they’re not pleasant to do business with. He says they might be stealing it off her already since it’s hard to prove coal trespass in court. If she mined it herself, she’d certainly make more money which, she smiles at.

Lesbians get it done, after all.

We have another flashback episode of Anne and her ex lover Ms. Hobert. The scene is tense and she stares longingly at Ms. Hobert’s neck, trying to kiss it before Ms. Hobert says “don’t.” She snaps back to the present as Eugenie does her hair. Anne asks Eugenie “is it over” indicating she knows she’s pregnant and Eugenie says ‘not really.” Mr. Booth stumbles in saying Mrs. Lawson’s carriage has been spotted and Anne goes downstairs to ready the estate for this woman staying. She kisses her twice on the cheek and it’s preeetty suggestive. Hmm!

Anne is telling her family about how she wants to sink her own coal pits and Marian is like hmm. Interesting. Would you know how? Marian has zero trust in Anne trying to run this town as a profit and announces to the table that Anne evicted one of the oldest men in this town. She’s like listen, let me run things how I see fit and they bicker for a bit before uncle shuts it down in front of Mrs. Lawson who doesn’t often see her husband, making EYES at Anne.

That’s right: it’s fucking time.

Anne is fucking Mrs. Lawson in her bed from bEHIND fingering this girl and checks her watch to make a marking in her diary of?? Her conquest??? HOT!!!! Mrs. Lawson asks about Hastings and Anne says “no.” A simple “No.” Mrs. Lawson says you should marry a man because she’d have a title, money, everything you want and you might not have to sleep with him. She says I could never marry a man under any circumstance, it’d be perverse. She wants to live with someone she loves and spend her time with someone who loves her too not someone who drops in when her husband allows it. Mrs. Lawson’s like ok but if you don’t do that you’re going to keep getting entangled with women who marry men and get upset when they do that.

She also drops an “I love you” in there casually.

Anne asks if Mrs. Lawson will leave Charles and go on the run to Paris. Mrs. Lawson asks why she’s always on the run, is it because she feels odd in the world? Unfit in a society which sees her as weird and not brilliant? Mrs. Lawson says hey hats off to you if you can find that person who will give it all up for you but I’m worried that person doesn’t exist. BTW Can we have sex again? Anne is like no dude, not now. You’re just going to leave tomorrow.

Over at other Ann’s estate, the guy who might take over as landlord for Miss Lister is letting the Walkers know he’s going to be assuming duties with the Lister’s for a bit but it won’t affect his time watching over their estate. Ann is like hmm maybe it’d be good if I also came with you and made some friends as these other two people in the room gas up Anne being really fucking cool despite not being super feminine. Ann dismisses Mr. Washington as she tells the other two in the room she met Anne once at tea when she was 19 years old for around two hours before she left. Ann, these random two people, and her consider paying Anne a visit because she’d be a very good friend to have and Ann seems pretty eager about it.

What came first: the gay or the good head?

Dr. Kenny is checking on Anne’s aunts leg that has nasty old holes in it and he updates everyone on Miss Walker. He says she was shaken from the carriage accident despite not being hurt physically. “Ann suffers from her nerves because she lives alone,” he tells everyone and Anne is like I hope you don’t discuss my family with other patients Dr. Kenny :) He gets back to work as and the aunt says Marian went to the Walkers to discuss the carriage accident and is like “why don’t you go?” Anne, however, thinks the Walkers are kind of boring and dismisses going. Mr. and Mrs. Priestly are downstairs, the cousin of Mrs. Walker, and Anne runs downstairs to greet them. Omg, Ann is down there to!! Anne and Ann meet and shake hands, neither of them the HOTTEST lesbians but like, I’ll take it!!!!

Ann looks at Anne very longingly as she talks about the Reform Bill and though she hasn’t voted before, she wishes she would. She discusses the gender differences and how unfair it is she doesn’t get to vote despite being a landowner. She’s against the Reform Bill while Marian is for it and I’m not sure why but that’s their point on the matter. Anne’s Aunt comes downstairs with the doctor and Ann said she wanted to visit again with her cousin to say thank you for the kind hospitality she displayed. Anne asks if Dr. Kenny would look at her cart hourse as Anne sits down next to Ann and PUTS HER ARM AROUND THE TOP OF HER CHAIR!!!! Holy shit they’re flirting so hard. Ann’s aunt and uncle say you better be careful Anne keeps a journal and they’re just MAKING EYES AT EACH OTHER!!!!

A monologue endures where Anne is musing hooking up with Ann. She’s like “she’s obviously in love with me and though she doesn’t have rank, she has fortune.” Ann and her aunt/uncle ride off and Anne is wondering if maybe she stays at Shibden and try to make Anne her wife??? She smiles at the thought a little but it seems forced more than anything.

Meanwhile, one of the handy men has to shoot the carriage horse but can’t so Ann does it as we end on the pilot of Gentleman Jack: a logical, cold, active protagonist and her gentle heart that will tie her down long term. She saddles up to the Walker estate eager to get a head start at taming Ann’s fortune and asks if Ann is at home.

OOOOOooOOoooo boy, I may just have to buckle in for the long term on this one.

Overall I’m going to give Gentleman Jack a 7.5/10. I love this shit but at times I did get confused, with almost too many plot lines being introduced and not in a solid enough way for us to know what’s going on. I think the Reform Bill took away a bit too much from the gender politics of the show and should have been introduced in maybe the next episode but understand to get the ball rolling sometimes you’ve got to cram a lot into a Pilot. I will say, however, they managed to make some REALLY hot chemistry with a lead who isn’t exceptionally pleasing on the eyes (I’m so sorry Suranne Jones: it’s the hair). Like, this lead is HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can watch it SOLELY because she’s not strong in a “strong woman” way, she transcends gender. Her masculinity doesn’t feel pushed on us, nor is it inorganic, and because of that, I truly do want to see this through to the end. I’m a sucker for “angry, strong, defensive hero type” and her “loving, grounding, sensitive love interest.” Make it gay???? I’m SOLD!!!!!!!

I think for the lesbian period dramas I’ve seen (and they’ve been a lot) this doesn’t feel like sexuality is it’s focal point and I adoooore that. Yeah, we get it, they can’t be together because it’d be outside norms but as I wrote about in this piece here, gay wasn’t really a problem in the 18th century outside that it posed a threat to the idea of marriage and less to do with the “girl on girl??? that’s weird” semantics. I think Gentleman Jack plopped queer people in a setting and let them live and because of THAT, I will be watching all two seasons :)

Next week: a K show??? Is there a K gay drama? PLZ HELP!!!!

Pride Month means shows about Gays and what better Gay Show to watch than one called It’s a Sin, a show I found googling “queer shows that start with the letter I.” Though I am horribly anxious because I have a hearing for unemployment coming up next week (EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS ON THE LINE, BESTIE!) I am taking this week to cover a queer show and next week will be a week off. To those who read this, pray for your little lesbian icon, Meg!!!!!!!!!!! I will need all the help I can get so the government doesn’t take lots of money from me for no fucking reason!

But enough about me, let’s get into TWINKS!

It’s a Sin, for those who haven’t heard of it, is a British television series that premiered January 22, 2021. Following the journey of a tight-knit group of friends living in London during the height of the AIDS Crisis, the series sheds light on the turmoil the queer community faced during the 1980s HIV/AIDS epidemic in the United Kingdom. Apparently, getting this series off the ground was hard for creators, seeing as BBC One and ITV before finding a home with the streaming service All4 in the UK. Viewed more than 6.5 million times, the series grew in popularity before landing on HBO Max: Thank God.

With 8.7/10 on IMDB and 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, this certainly seems like one to invest in longterm. Won’t be hard considering it’s only five episodes, either sooo allys? This is your time to rise up and GET THIS SHOW ANOTHER SEASON! I’m sure if you loved Rent, you’re going to love this (I confidently say, having never seen it).

Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We open on Ritchie discussing women’s standing in the 1800’s. Clearly seated with his family, he mulls over how wild it was men were punished for the crimes of their wives, with some being tried for murder because women were not deemed responsible for anything they did. It is September 1981 and their parents are excited about Ritchie’s choice to go to Law school. His mom says she’s going to clean and sort Ritchie’s room before he goes off to school and he nervously freaks out about the multiple gay magazines he has, with a montage inter spliced of him hiding the magazines in his suitcase.

Off he goes with queer media in hand!

Ritchie hops in the car with his dad and they’re off to the main land, riding on a big boat as his father has the sex talk with him. He hands him a lot of condoms and says he’s going to have a greeaaaat time on the mainland if he just manages to not get a girl pregnant. As his father walks away Ritchie laughs at this, tossing the condoms into the ocean.

We’re introduced to Roscoe.

Roscoe, shoveling dirt? Mud? Clay? I don’t know, I’m femme. Roscoe is getting picked up from work by his dad who likes to get a pint around the corner when he’s off. He gets in the car and shit is TENSE! “Who is he?” says his dad as he very stiffly responds “that’s not fair, I can’t help working with men.” At home, his family prays over him holding a GAY NEWS tabloid which I assume they found in his room. “Father forgive my son Roscoe. He has fallen in to the pit of Sodomy.”

Interesting, so his family knows whereas Ritchies does not.

Uncle Basil shows up and his sister is telling him he’s “shown up to take you away.” She hands him 120 quid and tells him to go. Run. Where? No one knows. But Basil is about to take him out of the country because if Roscoe is found out, his whole family is deported to Nigeria. “If they send you back home they will beat you, bleed you, and kill you” his sister very anxiously tells him. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to run from Uncle Basil or what but I guess only time (the next two minutes) will tell. His father indicates the Society will help them pay for everything and it seems the plot is pointing to Uncle Basil taking Roscoe back to Nigeria to do some sort of conversion therapy esque thing, whether that’s through just being immersed in society or a legitimate program designed to wash that gay away, baby. We hear thumps upstairs before his Roscoe walks in wearing a skirt telling everyone off saying “piss off, thank you, goodbye.” He slaps his dad on the way out and struts down the street with an umbrella over head.

Next up: Colin!

Colin is a blonde haired, brown eyed white boy who looks like a clerk from a law office. My facial recognition is shit so it’s going to be reallll hard telling him apart from Ritchie but alas. He shows up to a house he seemingly is house sitting for a few people who seem to be friends with his mom. She introduces him to the family and brings him upstairs and says it’s a “check every Friday.”

Okay, so it seems he’s just renting a room in a house full of people.

A sweeping shot of London ends with Colin in a suit, with a stern Neil Patrick Harris looking forward at the wall. Whether Colin is his apprentice, we have no idea, because the scene shifts quickly to Colin calling his parents about his new life in London. He has to memorize ties, since Cambridge and Oxford have different ones, but he did it. He made it out here he says, smiling into the phone the whole time. They ask if he’s making friends outside work and he watches with a lingering eye as some guy takes his shirt off in their shared kitchen. He lies to his mom that he is, in fact, going out for drinks but ends up reading his comic book instead. We cut back to work where before Colin leaves, his boss asks him to take off his jacket in the backroom and tells him to wash his hands aggressively to get the fibers from the suit out.

I got a bad feeling about where this is going!!!

Colin starts washing his hand and his boss is looking at him very intensely, holding his hands to really wash them boys tough. He makes Colin take his shirt off and cleans his arm as Colin looks very stressed. Neil Patrick comes back unexpectantly to get a bit of work and looks on as the boss scuttles out upset, clearly caught in the act of trying to coerce Colin into something weird. Neil Patrick takes him to get drinks and lets him know if the boss does that again, just give him a nod because he will remind their boss about his wife. Neil indicates he knows Colin is gay and asks where he is from to which Colin responds “South Wales.” Luckily, I am a big smart beautiful genius who knows South Wales is a place because I read Sally Rooney and I’m sure she’s written about it at some point in time.

Can’t believe London was a place created by Sally Rooney and Sally Rooney alone.

Neil says is there a girlfriend back home? A boyfriend? He’s like you don’t have to tell me, I’m not interested, and just to make you feel better I’m going to take the time to tell you about me. I live in Hackney with my long term boyfriend of decades and I am comfortable and fine with my sexuality. “You’re perfectly safe with me,” he says and Colin smiles. Neil pushes a bit to sus out if Colin is gay and he says “yes” to wishing he had a boyfriend. Neil smiles and orders them another pint and I swear to fucking God if he outs him, I’ll be so mad.

Did you know Neil once was in the audience of a Quarantine show I did? Now you do. Needed to talk about myself for a bit. A N Y W A Y S!

Ritchies smiles at a boy in a bar before reading his little Law & Politics books the next day at the airport. A beautiful man at a dance studio is discussing a rare cancer 41 gay men in New York died from as he pulls his hair above his head, showing how strong he is as Richie looks on lovingly. Some girl nods to this guy and is like “you interested? I can introduce you” and then chases him out the class to introduce herself. Her name is Jill and she does English and Drama at this school. Jill’s like “do you want to meet Ash? I can introduce you?” and she does just that, going to the gay bar, introducing Ritchie to Ash as bisexual and they immediately pick it up.

Then the most EMBARRASSING THING HAPPENS!

Back home, this guy is like YOU NEED A WASH!!!!! YOUR ASS NEEDS A WASH!!!! And when he comes back from washing his HOLE they don’t even indicate they had SEX. He’s like was that your first time? To Ritchie about having sex? Having sex with an Indian man? I genuinely don’t know, but he follows up his question with “did you think I was exotic? Does your island have any Indians?” so maybe he’s just indicating this was Ritchie’s first time with someone not white?

I GENUINELY DONT KNOW IF THEY HAD SEX OR NOT!!!!

They start talking about how Ritchie’s family would throw him out if they knew he was gay and how he used to fancy some guy named Steve Austin who must be famous or something. Ash laughs at Ritchie’s quips and tells Ritchie he had sex with someone 37 years old and then Ritchie goes on a long tangent asking if he’s Hindu? Buddhist? It must be hard if he’s Hindu? Buddhist? And Ash OBVIOUSLY gets very upset about this and becomes cold, telling him he’ll see him around.

Ritchies goes and cries to Jill, this girl he JUST MET.

Neil Patrick tells Colin his history about how he got his job at 18 at Gatwick and met his partner was cabin crew from Iberia. They went back to Neil’s, hooked up, and they’ve been together for thirty years. Neil brings Colin over to his where his partner openly kisses him and I’m so excited he’s being open about this because Colin is BEAMING! Neil and his partner share a joint and say they’re neighbors know of course but he’s cut ties with his family meanwhile Neil’s partners mom seems pretty tight with it.

Adorable, love it.

Meanwhile, Ritchie and Jill are progressing fast as he brings her home to be there when he comes out to his family. It’s a time jump as Christmas time is in full swing and his father asks where Jill’s from… but like, really from? She says the Dominican and he’s like oh ok nice well we accept you but don’t be fucking my son during this time ok? Separate bedrooms and all. They smile tight smiles as the scene moves to them all in the living room and Jill clears the space to say “Ritchie needs a word with you all anyways” AH!!!! Ritchie starts off a dramatic speech about how he’s made a decision and wants to explain to them that he’s not doing Law and is changing to English/Drama. His dad is really upset because Ritchie has a grant and the parents do not understand what he’s doing with his life. It’s an all out shit on Ritchie fest as his dad storms in to the kitchen and slams some cabinets, blaming Jill for Ritchie’s decision to change to drama, indicating the reason he did that was because she put out. She stands shocked in the kitchen as his dad leaves the house.

For some reason, Jill stays???? With Ritchie?? And they go to a club where Ritchie has sex with one guy, another guy, a montage of guys and Jill’s just??? Where? During his Christmas break? At some point Ritchie LITERALLY has sex with two other guys and then Ash shows up once again. They have lots of sex as Ritchie advances to being the town Twink, nodding heads with everyone at the club with his little chain necklace on. He gives a beer to !!!!! Roscoe!!!! Who he then??? Also fucks!? He must because later on Ritchie introduces Roscoe to his best friend Jill and we realize ok this whole thing has been a montage.

Ritchie is obviously going to !!!! Give!!!!! Everyone HIV in this show!!!!!!!! AH!

Neil Patrick is talking to Colin about how Juan Pablo’s cold is back at work and he’s very concerned about it. The doctor’s don’t know what it is, maybe Juan got it from birds? Neil is confused why the doctor says he has Psittacosis, some kind of animal disease, and seems very worried about his partner. The next day, Colin has to work through his lunch because “Mr. Coltrane is out sick.” He calls their phone but the line is dead and the next day, a new man is standing in for Neil Patrick. Colin goes to Henry and Juan Pablo’s house, knocks on the door, and sees a shadow move through the window. No one comes to the door and Colin leaves, dejected. The new hire has replaced Henry and Colin goes back to knock on Henry and Juan Pablo’s door again the next day.

The neighbor tells him he’s gone to the hospital and that’s the only update we get, unfortunately!

Colin goes to the hospital the following day to see Henry and lies, saying he’s Henry’s nephew so he can get in to see him. They make him suit up as he glances through the door at a very sick figure. He’s got a mask, gloves, and a green medical dress on as Colin goes to see him. Henry smiles at him weakly, sporting man spots on his body. He says he has cancer and that they’d expect this kind of disease if he was 90 years old, not at his age. “It’s bad luck, two of us getting sick at the same time,” says Henry about Juan Pablo, indicating he’s gone home to Portugal and Henry’s upset because he can’t call him. He mulls over where their condition may have came from, maybe it was mold in the kitchen? Colin has to get up to go grab Henry’s lunch because they refuse to bring it in to his room, meaning he probably has to get up every day to get it.

Damn, I’m legitimately crying.

Colin tells his house mom? Landlord? He’s going out all night and sits at a bar alone watching other gays kiss each other. Roscoe brings him a beer and tells him to cheer up and now, Colin’s apart of the gays. He’s in. They all get in a car heading to the Pink Palace where everyone is friends and we realize Jill, Ritchie, and Ash are living together with Roscoe, who’s sleeping with the Landlord. They’re trying to urge Roscoe’s sister to move in with them as they dance around to 80’s music. Colin sits very uncomfortably on the couch watching everyone have a good time. Jill starts opening doors, finding Ritchie and Ash making out, and another door where people are having an orgy. Ritchie sits down with an old witch looking lady who says there’s a gay flu called GRID going around in America killing only gay people. Richie chides her saying it’d be all over the news if this was a thing.

Oh, Ritchie. Lmfao.

Roscoe introduces a Miss Rachel Tozer, some guy dressed in Drag singing one note to the sheer delight of the audience. Everyone hoots and hollers at this ONE NOTE as Colin asks Roscoe about the spare bedroom available. Roscoe’s like it’s 80 quid and you’d be sharing the room with me but it’s hella cheap and Colin is really excited about this! He’s like absolutely! He looks around at his new room and walks down the hall to the kitchen, getting a thumbs up from Jill and a flirty eye from Ritchie.

This man is so sweet and so pure I truly hope nothing happens to him.

He’s bouncing his head as he realizes maybe he can live his life, moving and grooving in the crowd of people having a good time. He jumps up and down very awkwardly but it’s endearing because he truly is just such a pure person. An alarm rings at 8:00 AM and Colin wakes up very hungover, shutting it off and sighing as he gets out of bed.

Roscoe pulls the sheet over his head to ignore Colin’s alarm.

Ritchie also gets out of a different bed and is shaving as Ash goes to get the newspaper, spanking his butt as he goes. Colin gets out of his room to go shower and it’s cute! They all live together now! Jill writes in the kitchen and shares a song note with Ritchie as he heads to an audition. Colin runs out heading to work as Roscoe puts on makeup. They all share ONE NOTE “La!” with Jill as they run out the door. It is so pure and sweet and I want to die.

I miss college and this sort of atmosphere so much.

Ash, meanwhile, shares a newspaper clipping with Jill that says “Concern about a Mysterious Illness.” And we know what’s to come. Ritchie meets with some official looking hot blonde, Colin goes to work at the tie shop and sits down in front of his boss, stern, Roscoe meets up with someone in the bar. Ritchie is having lunch with an agent and says he’ll leave college, Colin is having an assessment with his boss after his year spent working there, and Roscoe is interviewing for a job producing shows at the bar. The parallel is everyone asking them what they’re going to do when they’re older and they share their big dreams about how they’re going to be rich, have work they like, and do incredible things with their life.

The scene cuts to nurses taking away a now dead Neil Patrick Harris.

I have to give this at least a 9/10. I saw Vulture give it a pretty solid 3/5 for each episode, but this is the first pilot I’ve ever seen that ended with me crying pretty uncontrollably. You know where it’s going, you know what’s going to happen, and the hope it builds for these characters just to be crushed in the future is truly so devastating, you can’t help but be immediately invested in their lives. I want to know what happens next! I know what happens next! I want history to change! There’s no control over it and it’s a train wreck waiting to happen, one that lets you know from the beginning there’s no happy endings, only realistic conclusions. I’ve seen a lot of media about the AIDS epidemic and this one has no remorse showing dreams dashed by government mishandling and miseducation about the Crisis. Even Neil Patrick laying ALONE in a HOSPITAL ROOM because NO ONE UNDERSTOOD AIDS made me sob uncontrollably.

I really hope this season gets another run and I cannot WAIT to see where it goes.

See you in two weeks as next week I gotta go to COURT BABY!