Last year I went home to Malawi on annual leave.

Definitely not the most financially savvy decision to make, as I’d only just recently started my new job and barely had anything saved. The entire trip was last minute- so flights and travel costs were a lot more expensive.

But I just had to go HOME.

I was 100% sure if I did not go home, I would go crazy. I felt suffocated and LOST. I remember describing to my friend how it felt like I watching a movie in which the main character, me, was in grayscale and the rest of my life was in vivid color. Everything about life looked fine, but I just didn’t quite fit in it.

Going back to that feeling of being lost.

I thought I had come to terms with the reality of leaving home. It was a reality I had opted into, after all. The freedom of breaking away and building a life and identity that was completely different to the predetermined paths already laid out for me.

Did I think it would it be hard? Yes, of course. Nothing good comes easy.

But what I did not anticipate was the very foundations of my life and self-identity being shifted (more like demolished!) and staring at the ruins and thinking- I was only trying to redecorate the kitchen! I didn’t know I’d signed up to the entire house being bulldozed to the ground!

So I got the freedom I thought I wanted- at the price of an arm and a leg.

The hardest shift was the dissonance between my self-perception, and other people’s perception of me. My self-perception- competent, professional, PERSON. Other people’s perception- black/woman/immigrant- somehow LESS THAN.

And I could feel myself starting to entertain this doubting thought in the corners of my mind- was I less than? Logically, I knew I was as good as and NOT less than, but emotionally, I could feel the shift.

I needed that felt reassurance that I was seen, acknowledged, and appreciated for the PERSON that I was and am.

And that was exactly what I got. One of my favorite moments was dinner with my dad where we discussed the personal challenge of wanting to change a system. My personal route has been acknowledging that I was/am not bigger than the system and did/do not have the power to change it, hence leaving. My dad’s route was biding his time and becoming powerful enough to create the changes he wanted to see. Listen to him trying to persuade me to be more patient.

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

All my previous posts are now freely accessible to free subscribers. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Share

I think about how the past few months (or years) have been a constant shaping and re-shaping of identity.

Mostly because I am being stereotyped in ways I’d never considered before- black, African, immigrant.

And what I had considered core to my identity- Malawian, woman, doctor, Christian- my relationship to all those aspects has changed drastically over the years.

I have also become increasingly aware of rhetoric that feels like cult programming everywhere. Us vs them. THIS is what makes life meaningful. THIS is what you need to be aspiring to.

Subscribe now

Share

As a woman, I feel tension between my self-perception that I am a PERSON first, and what feels like the general consensus that I am not a person, but a baby-maker first. I am grateful I was raised by parents who taught my siblings and me to value independent thinking and self-autonomy. I question the idealisation of traditional marriage as the end goal we (womb owners) should all be aspiring to. I dream of leaving a legacy in medicine and leaving this world at least 100x times better than I found it. I love the idea of companionship and bringing life into this world, and I pray that one day I find ‘THE ONE’ but I know this life is full and beautiful regardless of when/whether that happens.

As an internationally trained doctor, I feel grateful to be here. I am proud to have come this far and recognise the blessing it is to be receiving post-graduate training in the UK. Being here has made me appreciate how good the medical training in my home country, Malawi, is. Moving to the UK was the right thing for me to do. I struggled with my decision for a while and up until recently felt like I was one foot in the UK and one foot in Malawi. I am still always looking for jobs and roles that I could take up in Malawi or southern Africa, but I have made peace with my decision and acknowledge that I am no longer there. I am here. In this season, this is where God has put me and this is where He would have me.

As a Christian, I am extremely wary of organised religion, and the implicit need for conformity and control built into most systems of faith. I value autonomy and believe that 80% of my faith is my interaction with the world, and 20% is religious practices. I am a firm believer that ‘to work is to pray’. My vocation, my friendships, my relationships with my family, my neighborhood, and community- those are the primary acts of worship and faith. My prayer is to know God, for that is eternal life, and to be a vessel of healing and restoration in this world. And whilst community is important, I think that sometimes organised religion can be a hindrance more than a help to spirituality.

More than anything, I am grateful that I am free to explore my identity as I wish. I am free to ignore people’s opinions and stories about me. I am free to craft my own. That is freeing.

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

All my previous posts are now freely accessible to free subscribers. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Leave a comment

Share

Leave a comment

Apparently, what is meant to be yours will always find you?

And if an opportunity slips away, it was never really yours in the first place?

While I resonate with the underlying themes of serendipity and providence, and I will be found desperately whispering this to myself many a time, I very much doubt the truth of this.

The reality is, sometimes we miss what was meant for us. And sometimes, maybe the damage is reversible, and other times, maybe not so much.

There is a Jamaican proverb ‘ Who cyaah hear mus feel’; those who do not listen must feel.

Maybe we needed that missed opportunity, that broken relationship, that closed door, that financial loss, to drive home the lessons and realities we have continually ignored, evaded, or dismissed. Maybe that pain will finally overcome our deliberate blindness to our own faults, and the many ways that we tend to get in our own way.

All to say that, regret is always a good place to pivot.

We definitely cannot turn back the hands of time.

And we can’t change the (poor) decisions we had made before.

But we can commit to not making the same mistake twice, and commit to not having the same regrets year after year after year.

We can commit to making NEW decisions, and NEW habits that address the real root of our problems.

Happy New Year, again!

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

All my previous posts are now freely accessible to free subscribers. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Leave a comment

Share

Leave a comment

I am now three weeks into my hospital placement and I am loving it! I love working in a clinical team, and I love general medicine. Most days I feel like I’m learning something new and that I am contributing meaningfully to the team.

But it is a lot of work on other days.

For the sake of context, beginning this month, the ward is one junior doctor short. Which means that on a good day, we are a bit tight, but on a bad day, it is simply unmanageable. And this is before we take into account anyone falling ill and not making it into work on the day!

Last week I went into work an hour early a few times. Yes, I would like my trophy now, thank you very much. I looked at rota, realised we’d be TOTALLY screwed, and decided going in early might unscrew things just a bit. I’m not sure it did, but it allowed me some room to work at a pace that felt safe for me.

The thing is, I prefer to be thorough and at least 85% sure of what I am doing.

During my first week, I’d come in at 9am sharp. Which was great, because I got to run and get moments of silence before work. But it also meant I was RUSHING through work, and not doing things to a level of thoroughness that suited me. Especially as the patients were new to me, but not new to the team. No one had the patience to allow me to read through the tens of pages of notes before coming to the conclusion that the issues were indeed the same as they were yesterday.

But as I said, I like to be thorough! And if I can’t be 85% sure of what I’m doing, then maybe at least 70% sure?

Especially for new patients, I prefer to look through EVERYTHING myself first before accepting the diagnosis and plan that has been put in place. But looking through everything, especially at my level of skill and training, takes time. Time that I definitely do not have. Especially as I get the sense that it may not be my job to make sure the initial diagnosis is correct! It seems that my job is to carry out the plan that has been put in place by the consultant, and keep an eye on the patients.

In a perfect world, my rota would be tailored towards more clinical and educational activities.

But that’s just not the current reality of how things work. I have to go out of my way to get meaningful learning. I mean, I could aim to get in, get out, and do an all-round satisfactory job. Maybe some things would get missed, but it isn’t my personal responsibility to make sure they aren’t missed anyway. I may not understand exactly why we are doing A instead of B, but again, not my personal responsibility to understand why. And the reality is, I will not be paid more for putting in more of an effort.

But at the same time, I don’t want to compromise my own personal standards of quality of work, or lose out on learning opportunities.

Because I am in the earlier stages of my career, I do believe that the responsibility of learning and growth lies squarely with me. I don’t want the job and contractual obligations to distract me from the fact that there are real skills that I need to gain. Skills that will serve me for the rest of my professional life, so if it means going the extra mile to gain those skills, so be it.

I am my own responsibility.

And apart from being responsible for my learning, I am also responsible for my actual work. I could say that I’m doing xyz for my patient because the consultant said to do so. But I have to know why, and I have to agree with it, or at least not disagree with it. I hold myself responsible for what I do, and I always will.

But isn’t this how and why I burned out a few years ago? Was it not under the name of ‘going the extra mile’ and ‘personal excellence’ that I suffered?

My answer to that to myself, is that maybe the more I do the thorough reviews at my own pace, and understand the thinking and reasoning behind why x and not y, all this decision-making will become more reflexive for me, and over time I will naturally become faster and more adept at it.

Despite this, I still do wonder- how far is too far in the pursuit of personal excellence?

Especially if you are at an early stage in your career, and considering how competitive the world has become, is there any room for ‘just enough’? How do you balance growing and gaining new skills with the reality that you may not necessarily be compensated (at least not immediately) for going the extra mile? When, if ever, does it make sense to do unpaid labor?

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

All my previous posts are now freely accessible to free subscribers. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Leave a comment

Medicine has never been my first love.

Or second or third. I just fell into it and a decade later I’m still in it, despite repeated attempts to quit. I have always enjoyed the academic aspect of learning and practicing medicine. I just struggled with integrating it into my identity and figuring out my path within medicine. So whilst I now love being a doctor, it took me a few years to understand, accept, and love my identity as a doctor.

At the time of writing this, I have just finished my first rotation as a specialty registrar in General Practice.

To be honest, I always thought myself an internist. Internal medicine is where I first came to understand and value clinical reasoning. As annoying as most students found internal medicine handovers because of the drawn out discussions on differentials, I enjoyed all of it. I loved hearing the thinking process behind the formulation of differential diagnoses, and building on the illness scripts that I already had.

And then after my foundation years, I found myself working on a stroke unit and I thought to myself- THIS is what I want to do.

I loved the medical complexity of the patients, the combination of emergency care for acute strokes and then longer term rehabilitation and secondary prevention. And because the unit had just started up, there was a lot of opportunity for leadership, quality improvement, and learning. I did not see myself leaving the unit, but after a few months, leave I did!

Let’s fast forward to a year or so later where I felt completely disillusioned by medicine.

I was just done. I remember accepting a permanent government job and resigning a month in. I just had this overwhelming sense that if I entered the system, that would be the death of me. I did not want to ever become an apathetic clinician, and I was convinced that the system would beat the compassion and zeal right out of me. Furthermore, I just never wanted to practice medicine again. I never wanted to see another patient, or step into a hospital ever again.

Reflecting back, I see that all of this was me reacting to all the moral injury that I had suffered.

Moral injury is an interesting concept. A lot of the research and understanding of moral injury and distress came from the experiences of veterans but has since evolved to encompass other people and professions. For me, working as a medic in a resource-limited setting was rife with morally injurious events, one after the other. I don’t think I will ever fully recover from my OBGYN rotation as a foundation year doctor. The number of maternal deaths I witnessed- almost none of which were not preventable. Almost all of which were women younger than I was! The number of women with obvious cervical cancer who I biopsied and clinically staged, countless women each week who were going to die from a preventable cancer.

And then the children.

Will I ever recover from all those paediatric deaths I had to confirm? The number of children with sepsis and resulting DIC? The number of children that I watched pass away because CPR would be pointless- no capacity for intubation and intensive care. Or how we sometimes gave up on children simply because we were not sure the health system would support our efforts. It felt like the common sentiment was ‘there is no point in going above and beyond, because we are probably going to come up against a wall somewhere.’

Moral injury is defined as persistent distress that arises from a personal experience that disrupts or threatens: (a) one’s sense of the goodness of oneself, of others, of institutions, or of what are understood to be higher powers, or (b) one’s beliefs or intuitions about right and wrong, or good and evil.1

In my case, I had decided it wasn’t worth practicing medicine anymore. The psychological cost and distress was simply too great. The very thought of entering a hospital again filled me with so much dread and anxiety. So much so that I thought the best way out was to switch over to just public health, or switch careers and work towards becoming a clinical psychologist. I wanted nothing to do with clinical medicine.

Fortunately, during this existential crisis I moved to another country.

I was finally afforded a break to reassess my identity, priorities, and put together whatever pieces of myself were left over. Despite still pursuing other paths, I decided to complete the assessments to register as a medic. Just to prove to myself and others that if I walked away from clinical medicine, it would be because I decided to, rather than out of a lack of options. And just to not feel like I was letting my parents down-they weren’t aware of all this internal conflict.

But somehow, after a full year of no clinical contact, I found myself shadowing in a GP surgery.

I remember the feeling of dread, the pit in my stomach, and the extreme unease I had on my first day. Despite my calm demeanour, everything in me was screaming against walking into the clinic that day. I only showed up because my friend had arranged this as a favor to me, and it would have been very disrespectful to not meet them halfway. My friend arranged the entire shadowing experience for me, went with me to talk to the partners, and held my hand throughout the process.

Imagine my surprise at not only surviving the session, but actually ?enjoying? it.

The GP I was shadowing, was fully aware of my intention to move away from clinical care but they insisted I continue with the shadowing. And over time, I was amazed at just how familiar everything felt, the depth of my knowledge and skills, and how much anxiety dissipated over time. I began to look forward to going to clinic, studying, learning. I loved how general practice felt like a mix of leadership and clinical care. I don’t know how I felt about being expected to know enough about each specialty to treat common conditions, but I enjoyed the variety.

Fast forward even more to now, having completed my first placement as a registrar.

I think about the many moments of ‘rightness’. That feeling and overwhelming sense that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Contrasted to the many moments of pure panic, insomnia, restlessness, anxiety, and impending doom. The positive ‘Thank you so much, doctor, you’ve been so good’ versus the hurt of ‘Dr Matemvu was very aggressive and did not listen’. Being the first to make a correct diagnosis for a chronic condition versus sometimes staying up at night wondering should I have done something different? Being astonishingly good at some clinical skills, and being complete rubbish at others.

Recognising and adjusting to the tension of conscious incompetence.

The tension that I feel of wanting to grow and become better but also always wanting to be right and do right by my patients. Learning to not hide knowledge and skills gaps and hope for the best, but actually acknowledge them and ask for appropriate help. To be forthcoming about my reasoning process and my illness script, allowing my educators to know what’s going on in my mind and support me with improving my clinical reasoning and consultation skills.

But I love a good challenge.

I love being in a state of constant improvement and growth. I love seeing and marking progress, in spite of how uncomfortable it is to live under the microscope of training. In spite of the discomfort of receiving feedback about things I did wrong or could’ve handled better. I love knowing that this roller-coaster experience is shaping, moulding me into the clinician, leader, and person I am meant to be.

Thinking back to all the internal turmoil and my near exit from clinical medicine, I am grateful I did not make the leap.

I’m grateful that things did not pan out as I had planned, as my current reality far surpasses what I wished and imagined for myself. I’m grateful for all the non-clinical doors that slammed shut in my face. I’m grateful for my friend, Dr David Roberts, who God used to bring me back to the world of clinical medicine. David, who accidentally found out that I had studied medicine, and mentored me back into it. Who taught me that medicine is a hard and demanding mistress, but to press beyond the feelings and tap into purpose. Tap into that understanding that even in the chaos, that still small voice of God speaks- directing, guiding, leading, and loving.

One of the biggest myths we are sold today is – ‘You can have it all’.

You can have everything you want without having to sacrifice something in turn. You can eat all the sugar and fast food you want and still be healthy. You can have kids but still maintain the independence of a single person. You can work 80 hours a week but still be a fully present parent.

We ignore the reality of opportunity cost.

1.       Opportunity cost is inherent to every decision we make.

Opportunity cost is the potential benefit that we miss out on when choosing one alternative over the other.

Choosing to take a break from my career means I get the benefit of feeling joy, peace and contentment that comes with following my curiosity. I also get to explore and develop new skills. But it also means that I am choosing to forego the benefit of staying on a well-laid out path- the benefit of stability and career progression.

Every single time I choose option A, I am also choosing to forego the benefits related to option B.

2.       Accepting opportunity cost allows us to live with our decisions.

Choice ALWAYS involves loss.

Our refusal to accept this reality is what keeps us forever chasing the fantasy that we can choose option A but still have the benefits of option B. We remain stuck and unable to commit to any one single path. But understanding and accepting opportunity cost allows us a certain peace and contentment with any path we choose.

We can acknowledge, accept, and be content with the loss that comes with each decision that we make.

Especially when making life-altering choices, don’t forget to consider opportunity cost.

Subscribe now

Share

Leave a comment

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man’- Heraclitus.

This is still one of my favorite quotes about life.

Over the past few years, I have gone from going to the gym to doing yoga at home to doing calisthenics to running. I have gone from meat-eating to vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian. I have gone from hospital medicine to applying for academic roles (unsuccessfully) to nearly pivoting completely away from medicine to now working in primary care.

As you may guess, I know one or two things about changing one’s mind.

Years ago, when faced with a decision to be made, my first thought would be ‘okay, what’s the right decision?. How do I make a perfect decision that guarantees zero regrets for the rest of my life? I don’t want to be wrong, I want to get it just right on first try!’

Getting it absolutely right was (and still is) a very tall, unrealistic order.

Back to my favorite quote, ‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man’.

What you thought was right yesterday, is not what you think is right today, and will not be what you think is right tomorrow. You don’t have the benefit of a crystal ball to see into the future. All you have is all you have.

So there is no ‘right’ or ‘correct’ or ‘perfect’ decision to make- just a reasonable one.

How do you make the right decision? By making a reasonable decision that makes the most of the cards you have in your hands. Not the cards you wish you had, or the cards you had earlier but put down. The actual cards in your actual hands.

Using your today’s knowledge about yourself and what you want out of life to guide you.

What is your vision for yourself? What are your values? What about your strengths? What are your current limitations?

What is your ideal scenario? What would bring you the most contentment? Does any one decision fit that bill (probably not)? Are there other things you could do to make the decision more ideal? Can you change your mind down the line? What’s the worst case scenario anyway?

Sometimes, thinking about some of these questions makes you realise that the decision to be made is not this big fearful thing.

You may find that you actually have a lot of freedom as to what decision to make, and what opportunities are available to bring you closer to your vision and goals.

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Are you a covert know-it-all?

Sometimes, know-it-alls do know it all. But more often than not, people who think they know everything to be known about anything, tend to know very little. You know those those people who draw you in with their charisma and confidence, only to feed you with the biggest nothing burger? Arghh.

Unfortunately, when it comes to decision-making, we tend to be a lot like those people.

We think- and ASSUME- that because we make decisions day in and day out, we know what we’re doing. But do we? Do we really?

I’ve come to learn that everything is a skill. From listening, speaking, walking, doing the dishes- everything is a skill. The same goes for decision-making, it is a skill complete with mental models, frameworks and the whole shebang. Similar to using a phone without reading the manual, you may be able to get by for your day-to-day needs, but you’ll be missing out on a lot of cool features!

So though no-one likes a know-it-all, no one likes being wrong or not knowing either!

That stage of conscious incompetence, is one we like to avoid at all costs. Especially when it comes to something we perceive should be second-nature, like decision-making. Even if we have an important life-altering decision to make, many of us will not admit that we do not actually have the tools needed to make a sound (notice I did not say ‘right’) decision. Anything to avoid the discomfort of ‘how can I not know how to do something as simple as deciding, at x years of age!’

After letting go of sunk costs and understanding there is a new decision to be made- assess your own capacity.

Do you have the right tools and skills to make this decision? Do you know how to think through the pros and cons? Have you assessed best and worse case scenarios? What about the resulting impact, if any, on your long-term goals? What is the driving force behind this decision?

Don’t be a know-it-all if you don’t know-it-all!

For all the life-altering decisions you need to make, first learn a few tools for thinking through them before diving in. It will save you a lot of pain, heartache, and regret. It’s not just about finding the ‘right’ decision, but making decisions in a way that is most helpful for us and what we want out of life.

And these tools are what we’ll be looking at in this series!

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

No one wants to be wrong, ever!

A few years ago, I was 100% positive that I could never- and I mean never- not eat chicken. I was equally sure that I could never- and I mean never- leave my home country for work.

Here I am today, still alive and kicking after nearly 18 months of no meat, happily working in what is definitely not my home country. As it turns out, it is possible to change your mind and survive to tell the tale!

Why can it sometimes feel like a betrayal to change our minds? About people we’ve known for years, a career we’ve spent decades investing in, a value system handed down to us by someone else, or just ideas that we have always held? The saying goes, ‘be open-minded, but don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out.’

That being said, we need to be open-minded in order to not miss out on all the wonderful opportunities this life has in store for us.

This requires some serious mindset shifts to empower you to be OKAY with changing your mind.

First, accept that the decision right in front of you is a new decision, separate from all past related decisions.

Imagine this- you start building a house in what you thought was a prime location. You are certain you’ve made a wise investment on your money and you are sure in a few decades’ time it will pay off. You finish laying the foundation and framing the structure, and so far everything is looking good.

But then you find out that the location is actually a wind-whipped wildfire area. You thought you had done all your due diligence, but because you’re not local to the area and you’ve never built a house before, you just happened to overlook this. You now have a new decision to make- do you continue building or not?

The reality is, the money and effort spent on building the foundation and structure are already GONE. New and relevant information= a new decision with new parameters. Are you happy to spend all your savings on this building that is in a location prone to wildfires? Or would you rather cut your losses and say, ‘well at least I didn’t put more money in and I can still get out of it’.

In the same way, my today’s decision on what country to live in is completely distinct to yesterday’s decision to live in x country. I have new information, sometimes even the same information, but with a new perspective, that calls for a new decision to be made.

Accepting and making peace with sunk costs- time, money, and any other resources that were spent as a result of yesterday’s decision, and will never be recovered- is the first step to freeing yourself to change your mind, and life, for the better.

What sunk costs do you think you need to accept and move on from?

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Around June, I saw a lot of posts online about ‘locking in’ for the last 6 months of the year.

‘Have you achieved the goals you set out to achieve in January, sis? If you haven’t, you need to “lock in” and push through and get there.’

Meanwhile, I was barely aware of the pressure to tick the boxes on plans made in January! Here are my four reflections on achieving goals and reflecting on progress-

1. A year is an abstract and arbitrary way to measure time and growth. When you’re a college student, it makes sense to track progress using an academic calendar as your life is ordered around that calendar. But when you’re older, it suddenly doesn’t work as well! We encounter new information and ideas on a daily basis, sometimes rendering the goals we had in January completely obsolete. Every day, every week, every month, is an opportunity to take stock and redirect as necessary.

2. Our lives are a simply a product of our habits and mindsets. Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves are completely out of reach, taking into consideration our current habits and mindsets. In that case, the solution isn’t always to lock in and push harder. Sometimes the solution is to step back, analyse the problem and the root cause, and use that information to figure out a way forward. Our habits and our mindsets are what we need to be keeping track of.

3. One clear vision is more important than many goals. What matters to you? What trajectory do you want your life to take? What are your values? These bigger questions are a thousand times more important than simply jotting down ‘save money’, or ‘go to the gym’. Having a clear Big Why is the only way to live with clarity, confidence, and purpose.

4. Always start from a place of gratitude. Recognise and celebrate the many blessings, opportunities, and privileges that you have. ‘Gratitude is riches, complaint is poverty’

Is there any topic/subject you would like me to write about? Anything you would like to read more of? Do let me know!

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

This is my favorite Dr Seuss quote, ‘Today you are you…’

Not someone else, not a version of you you wish you were.

You are you and that is truer than true.

I think about the fact that I am a forgetful person. More than once, I’ve locked myself out of the house, left my phone in a taxi, lost my bank card. A huge chunk of my day is dedicated to finding my phone, pen, or glasses. I never leave the house at my first attempt to do so, there’s always something I’ve left behind!

Years ago, I found this tendency to forgetfulness completely exasperating.

Especially when I misplaced valuable items that I could not readily replace. Like my IGCSE and AS level certificates, which are still missing to date. Or when my phone went missing for the 20th time in the day. My internal response was always negative and angry, ‘Grrr, not today! Why do you have to do this to me!?’.

My anger did absolutely nothing to help the situation. If anything, all that emotion only made me more likely to slip even more.

Over the past few weeks I have been even more forgetful (not sure how this is possible!) than usual, but I noticed that my internal response to these lapses has evolved from a few years back. Most notably, it does not make me angry anymore. Not even when I have to go back into the house for the 5th time, to get yet another item I have forgotten to get on my way out.

If anything, I do find it quite funny, especially in comparison to my housemate who walks out just the one time and that’s it.

My response now is that of acceptance and curiosity. ‘Why am I so forgetful? Why am I slipping more than usual this week? Maybe I should stick to one bag/purse per week? Am I waking up early enough? Should I re-organise my living space? Do I need to set another reminder?’

I may not be able to stop being forgetful (if there’s a hack I don’t know about please let me know!). But accepting and taking a posture of ‘how do I work, live with, and maybe even enjoy this’ has been empowering. I know how to manage myself better, what works for me, and what doesn’t.

From what I’ve observed, our natural response to the behaviours we don’t like in ourselves can be that of a strict schoolmaster towards a naughty pupil- ‘Get in line now, or else…’ When really our behaviours are like fruit in a tree, they are the product, not the root of our internal environment. Accepting that we are who we are today gives us the permission we need to be honest enough with ourselves to trace the tree to its root. Only then can we make sense of what we do, or don’t do, and what the best way forward is.

‘Be curious, not judgemental’

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Winter is my, and probably everyone else’s, worst season of the year.

My preferred way of staying active is walking, which is not especially enjoyable in the winter. Last winter, I remember telling myself it would be CRAZY to go out in the wet, cold, and often dark roads. I was sure that no one in their right mind would be out running or walking in such dismal weather- surely I was not alone in deciding not to go out!

To me, then, it made perfect sense to stay indoors.

Fast forward to now, I joined an online running community and found out that people do, in fact, go outdoors in the winter. Whilst they may agree that it is wet, cold, dark, and dismal, they’ve found ways to make it possible and sometimes even enjoyable. With the right shoes, clothes, accessories, and mentality- they’re good to go!

So while I spent the winter convinced I couldn’t go out, others spent it outdoors, not considering the weather to be a limitation for them.

I remember searching for advice for what to wear when running in the rain, and the single most important instruction given was- accept that you’re going to get wet regardless of what you wear, and get on with your run! Focus on safety and making yourself comfortable, not avoiding the rain.

This made me reflect on that natural tendency to want to control the stuff we can’t control, all the while ignoring the things that are within our ability to change. All through winter I thought, ‘I can’t wait for this to be over so I can resume my normal life!’. Totally disregarding the fact that with the right shoes, clothes, accessories, and mentality, I would be good to go in any weather.

For every single thing that is out of our control, there are many more things that are fully dependent on us.

In reality, I should have been more focused on weather-proofing the core activities of my daily life, such as walking. What would winter have looked like if I, like some of the members of the online running community, decided I could and would continue on with life despite the weather?

And I wonder, what would life look like if, instead of focusing on ‘limitations’ that are far beyond our control, we focused on weatherproofing our lives and the work that matters to us?

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

‘Some things are up to us and others are not.’- Epictetus.

There are some things we CAN control and some things we just CANNOT control, no matter how much we try. At any given point in our lives, there will always be a measure of uncertainty.

Uncertainty itself will never go away, but we can learn to live with it. As the Serenity Prayer goes;

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

It’s out of my control.

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with one of my siblings. After a bit of chatting, I told them that I had to get off the call shortly because I was running out of time to do my weekly review. They jokingly remarked, ‘eh eh, you guys take life so seriously’.

I laughed and replied ‘I wish I didn’t need it’.

That conversation reminded me of a song, The String That Ties Us. In it, the artist describes the inner musings of a kite come to life. The kite is overwhelmed by the sheer sensation of gliding through the sky, but on the other hand, it wonders at the constant tugging at its back from the string. Before long, the kite is convinced that if only it could detach, then it could really fly!

The kite is convinced that greatness lies on the other side of detaching from the string, but it is actually only able to fly because of the string- as soon as it detaches it will crash to the ground.

Consistent weekly routines, including keeping a weekly review, allow me to function and adapt quickly to an ever changing reality. On top of my routines, I have detailed plans for the coming months, years, and even decades. A plan A, B, and C for everything imaginable.

All this is great, but it isn’t, and will never be, an actual cure to LIFE.

All the strings in the world will not stop the kite from experiencing turbulence, or stop stormy weather from crashing the kite. All you can do is build a good kite, find optimal wind conditions, and simply try your luck. Whether you’re a planner, like me, or prefer to fly by the seat of your pants. We all want and yearn for solid ground, and sometimes the only solid ground we get is the knowledge that some things are out of our control.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

What I am most grateful for in my life is that I have had the privilege of experiencing love, compassion, and mercy.

Despite being the one family member that everyone else is a little afraid of, my sister is one of the most generous and kind people I know. When we lived together, she would, quite literally, always throw money at me. She knew I needed to save money because I was planning on moving to England. She insisted, without my asking, on taking on more of the household expenses to help. She bought me shares in a mining company. And when the time finally came for me to make the move, she lent me all her savings to make up for what I didn’t have.

My sister’s friends are just as kind and generous.

Years ago, my sister’s contract with the organisation she was working for ended, and she did not yet have something else lined up. Her friend, without hesitation, and without being asked, stepped in and paid for three months of her rent. No strings attached. (If you’re thinking- where are you people finding these people?!!- search me!)

When I first came to the UK, it took a while to settle in.

I struggled with finding a consultant or GP who was willing to let me shadow them for a period of time. For months I sent email after email, but no one was interested in a faceless someone asking them for their already scarce time and attention. It felt completely hopeless. Until, at random, I met a semi-retired GP who offered to help without my asking. He spoke to the partners at his surgery, and sent in the documents they asked for, on my behalf. And when they asked for a face to face interview, he attended with me, answering every question they directed towards me! And I literally had just met him!

To this day, he remains a dear friend and mentor.

I always tell this story because, to this day, I honestly have no clue why he chose to go above and beyond for me.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of undeserved kindness and generosity?

Giving without the expectation of anything in return feels counter intuitive, especially because not getting anything in return is a real possibility! In a world where it feels like resources are scarce, no one wants to get the short end of the stick. But as I look back on my life, I know for myself the ripple effect of both small and big acts of generosity, kindness, and compassion.

As irrational and illogical as it may feel, or be, the greatest of these is truly love.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Can two things can be true at the same time?

One of my favorite podcast episodes is titled ‘The Cope of Unimpressiveness’. This particular episode discusses the view that in the grand scheme of the infinite universe and human history, our lives are really just tiny blips, and overwhelmingly…unimpressive. In a world that uses ‘impressiveness’ as a measure of importance, this can be a hard reality to live with.

But is the reality of unimpressiveness the whole picture?

My dad was the first of his family to complete university education. He was also the first to move out of the village into ‘town’. His stories of life growing up in a village are more akin to fiction; walking barefoot 10km one way to school, studying from notebooks well into the night with nothing but a home-made paraffin lamp. And relying on the charity of well-wishers to fund his secondary and tertiary education.

A stark contrast to the lives of me and my siblings.

We all went to good schools. We only went barefoot by choice. It was expected that we would all finish university at the minimum- and we all did. Not to mention we had the internet and computers! Even in times of lack, it was nothing compared to what my dad experienced in his childhood.

What would have our lives been if he had not broken the cycle of poverty and illiteracy?

Dr Anne Lembke, a professor of psychiatry, observed this from her career in addiction medicine; when one addict decides to go into recovery, that decision usually reverberates across their family and even friends, inspiring them to change for the better.

It can be so easy to believe that our lives and our choices do not matter. As interconnected as the world now is, it is easy to feel isolated, small, and unimportant. When really, that could not be further from the truth. The effects of the quality of our lives and the decisions we make reverberate within our sphere of influence, even to generations after us.

The specific cycle you want to break, or the key milestone you want to achieve. The habit you want to break, or the one you want to build. Regardless of who does or doesn’t understand why- you thriving, overcoming, and succeeding MATTERS.

Even in the grandest scheme of events and in light of human history and the infinite universe, you matter.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

My teenage brother is always telling me that I judge people too harshly.

He is always asking ‘don’t you think you need to be more accommodating?’ and other such idealistic tropes that seem to thrive in his young mind. I never argue the point, but I do tell him that one day he will understand.

What he does not fully understand yet, is that the people we spend time with, and give access to, determine who we are and who we become. Not influence, but DETERMINE. We all intuitively understand peer pressure, but many of us think that we have outgrown, or can overcome the influence of others in our thoughts, beliefs, and patterns of living.

We grossly underestimate the impact our social network has on who we are.

The Framingham Heart Study is one of the most important studies in the world on heart health. Over the past 75 years, they have studied over 15 thousand participants from 3 generations. Aside from the usual biological questions, they also explored the impact of social networks on obesity. They found that a person’s risk of becoming obese increased by 57% if they had a friend who was obese, 40% if a sibling became obese, and 37% if a spouse became obese. Even with a friend of a friend, the risk was 20% higher!

Not just our immediate circle, but our immediate circle’s circle also unknowingly shapes us.

The impact that other people have on us consciously and subconsciously, is a FACT. Not a theory, not a suggestion, but a FACT. Ignoring facts in the hopes of being the exception to the rule, is foolishness. Ignoring facts because of emotional connection, history, and familiarity, though understandable, is also foolishness.

The thoughts, the habits, the dreams that we long for and desire to have, will always be out of reach if we are in the wrong community.

That is what I hope my brother someday learns. That as harsh as it may seem, it is wise to avoid and cut ties with people if their influence is likely to be detrimental to us. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, or that you are a better person, it just means that your lives are simply not compatible. And that’s okay.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share

Starting the day at 5am- the holy grail of personal improvement.

Years ago, inspired by the many books that encouraged it, my goal was to get to a point where I was up and ready to attack the day at 5am. It felt like that was the best way to get the most out of life, and to my credit, I did manage to do this for maybe 4 months over the 5 years I tried.

Fast forward to now and, surprise surprise, I almost never wake up at 5am.

Truthfully, over the past three years, I’ve rarely stuck to any single pattern of a morning routine. Whenever I change my morning routine, I always wonder whether to log that in as ‘fail’ because isn’t consistency key? Not having a fixed morning ritual that I can brag about is still a sore point for me, but I have learnt two things from this over the past three years;

1. I am a unique person living a dynamic life.

Would I love to find a routine that I can copy+paste word for word to my daily life, yes. Is that likely to happen, no.

We are all unique creatures, not just in terms of the specific life circumstances we may find ourselves in, but our inner workings and what we actually need and desire. We can learn principles from others, but rarely can we successfully ctrl+ c someone’s life to become our own. We have different values, strengths, and even physical limitations.

I value my faith and connection with God; mindfulness and being present in my body; having a healthy body; learning and discovering new things; and showing up for the people I love. These are the blocks that make up my life, but how those blocks fit together is always changing. I’m always having to adjust them to fit in a way that is practical, but also incredibly joyful and life-giving.

Finding your own building blocks, and iterating as you go, is a lot more sustainable and realistic than surface-level imitating.

2. Managing myself is more important than time management.

When I was in university, I always admired my peers that stayed up all night to study. The only time I ever did was in my first year, out of peer pressure more than anything. I’m not sensitive to caffeine, so I had to combine coffee with energy drinks just to force my eyes to stay open, much less read and understand what was in front of me.

Over time, I realised it just wasn’t for me, I was not qualified to be one of God’s strongest soldiers. Instead, I figured out that I was a fast learner and reader, strengths that I decided to lean more into in the following years of uni.

In the same way, understanding your unique strengths and how you work, is more important than imposing better ‘time management’. Understanding your sleep cycle, when in the day you are at your peak, what foods activate/slow you down, what activities energise/deplete you. All this is more important that suddenly deciding to add 1 million tasks to your to-do list.

When you understand yourself, you can organise your life to more effectively suit you, and do what actually matters.

By upgrading your subscription, you get unlimited access to previous posts, and specially created resources to cultivate a life of clarity and purpose. Other resources are at the link below, and as always feel free to book in a call if you’re interested in working together.

https://linktr.ee/drzaithwa

Subscribe now

Share