Subscribe now

monday (day before my birthday)

slept in, had mcdonald’s breakfast, finished packing and getting ready, and left the house. the drive up to door county is around three hours (i’m inclined to say that it ‘isn’t too bad’ but i’m also not the one who drives lol.) we stopped at a target right as we got into town to stock up on snacks, fun bevs, and i picked up a few makeup items and refills that had been on my list for a while. we were a little early for our airbnb check in so naturally we went to a winery to kill some time. it was quiet and beautiful, and such a fun way to start the week.

we unpacked and settled into the airbnb, and proceeded to spend a couple hours co-hobbying. (we brought more than one book apiece, a card game, and we had the tv to watch our current show, young sheldon.) later we drove over to a nearby park to watch the sunset and walk around. the whole week had a sort of gloominess to it with occasional bursts of sunshine, but the sunsets were still pretty, and i was so thankful that it never rained.

to wrap up the night, we picked up a pizza (hot honey pepperoni), got comfy on the couch, and watched a few more episodes of our show, before i fell asleep on my husband’s lap. it was perfect.

tuesday (my birthday!)

among my first couple of thoughts most mornings is thanking God for another day; on my birthday it was for another year of life. i used to be scared of getting older. i used to think i was losing something rather than gaining something. the last couple of years, more than anything, i’ve felt so grateful. the past year was hard in a lot of ways, because life is hard and painful and messy, but it’s also beautiful and magical and so, so good. i’m so excited to be twenty-eight!!

i had messages from my sweet friends and family and opened some gifts. i some new hair products, books (stay tuned), the cutest jellycat tshirt, and a couple other things that i love so much. we took our time getting ready and then walked down the street to a cute outdoor coffee shop. we read for a bit before going downtown to browse all the little shops. we spent the rest of the afternoon at the beach. the water was freezing and refreshing, we leaned back and read our books, and snacked on cheez-its and a blackberry vanilla olipop (me) and arctic raspberry liquid iv (him).

for my birthday dinner, we went to a restaurant we’d been to before that we loved. it was a little loud with moody lighting and great food. we had bread & butter, crab cakes, steak, chicken, and an assortment of vegetables. we talked about how glad we were to be there, in that moment, with each other. afterwards we walked by the water, and got custard for dessert once the sun had gone down. (not pictured, but just imagine: vanilla custard, caramel sauce, pretzel pieces.) it was, once again, perfect.

wednesday

woke up early, journaled for a bit, and once again took our time getting ready. we drove up the peninsula a bit for coffee and a lemon poppyseed muffin (me) and vanilla sprinkled donut (him) as a light breakfast. we walked around another cute downtown filled with more shops. i picked up a couple new tops for work, some door county merch, and a few books to add to my birthday haul. we had phenomenal sandwiches for lunch, and then decided to go back to the beach for the rest of the afternoon. we got burgers for dinner at a pub around the corner then collapsed into bed. dare i say, it was…

thursday

after cleaning up, packing, and checking out, we went out for coffee and breakfast where we got an iced cherry latte and a breakfast burrito (me. still thinking about it) and an iced caramel macchiato and chicken & waffles (him). afterwards we went to another park for one last walk by the water. i was sad to leave but i knew we’d be back.

on the way home, we stopped at half price books and barnes & noble to do one last round of birthday book shopping. completely on accident i ended up getting/receiving twenty-eight books for my twenty-eighth birthday, which was such a fun surprise and the cherry on top of a wonderful week.

and as promised…

1. the artist and the feast by lucy steeds

2. summerland by elin hilderbrand

3. prep by curtis sittenfeld

4. our perfect storm by carley fortune

5. main characters by bobby palmer

6. kate & frida by kim fay

7. cleo dang would rather be dead by mai nguyen

8. golden son by pierce brown

9. summer island by kristin hannah (from my mom)

10. angel falls by kristin hannah (ditto)

11. the bucket list by rachel hanna (ditto)

12. the unselected journals of emma m. lion volume 3 by beth brower (from hubs)

13. the unselected journals of emma m. lion volume 4 by beth brower (ditto)

14. percy jackson and the olympians: the sea of monsters by rick riordan (ditto)

15. every version of you by natalie messier

16. franny and zooey by j.d. salinger

17. james by percival everett

18. pachinko by min jin lee

19. the good parts by evann normandin

20. good joy, bad joy by mikki brammer

21. commonwealth by ann patchett

22. twice by mitch albom

23. seek immediate shelter by vincent yu

24. take what you can by naima coster

25. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt by ben reeves

26. fairy tale by stephen king

27. an infinite love story by chanel cleeton

28. where the wildflowers grow by terah shelton harris

    ---

thank you so much for reading and coming along with me on my birthday trip, i hope you had a good time!

talk soon <3

zara

another huge thank you to bestie katie for the beautiful book banners <3

engaging, heated, romantic—books to pack in your beach bag or picnic basket, when you’re in the mood for sun-soaked love stories and sweeping family dramas.

Summer Romance by Annabel Monaghan: at once witty, heartwarming, and relatable, this beach read follows a professional organizer whose life is in chaos when she strikes up a summer romance that helps her rediscover herself and find joy again.

The Ex Vows by Jessica Joyce: this second chance, forced proximity romance follows estranged exes who have to work together to plan a wedding for their best friend. As tensions rise, they are forced to confront the truth behind their unresolved history and the possibility of a new beginning.

These Summer Storms by Sarah Maclean: blending sharp drama, complex emotions, and tender romance, this book follows the long-awaited return of a woman to her childhood home off the coast of Rhode Island who finds a string of challenges and surprises in the face of her father’s death.

The Unwilding by Marina Kemp: exploring themes of love, grief, and memory, this novel follows the inner lives of three women as they attempt to unravel the family secrets and power dynamics that have followed them years after a pivotal summer spent together in Sicily.

Good Dirt by Charmaine Wilkerson: this story follows a woman from an affluent black family in new england who, struggling with a childhood tragedy, spends the summer in France where her past catches up with her, and she is forced to confront generational trauma, family secrets, and her own identity.

warm, breezy, relaxed—books to carry with you everywhere, for slow mornings, in between errands, and everyday life, when you want something that meets you where you are.

Sandwich by Catherine Newman: equal parts funny and sad, bold and quiet, this story follows a middle aged woman through a chaotic yet life affirming week in Cape Cod, sandwiched between the dynamics of her aging parents and growing children.

The Five-Star Weekend by Elin Hilderbrand: set against the backdrop of idyllic Nantucket, this book follows a woman who, after a shocking life change, invites four friends from different phases of life to come together in a surprising yet captivating journey of friendship, self discovery, and forgiveness.

Happy All the Time by Laurie Colwin: known as a modern classic, this is a clever and charming story about two best friends in New York City navigating adulthood, love, and the idea of ‘happiness’, while celebrating the bonds of human connection in the face of mundanity and hardship.

Spectacular Things by Beck Dorey-Stein: exploring themes of sisterhood, sacrifice, and legacy, two sisters, the responsible caregiver and the carefree athlete, are intertwined with their mothers hidden past as they pursue their own ambitions and navigate their futures in a small Maine town and beyond.

Run for the Hills by Kevin Wilson: with witty and heartfelt storytelling, and themes of chosen family and forgiveness, a young woman’s quiet life is upended when she gets roped into a roadtrip with her previously unknown half-siblings on a quest of hijinks and healing to find their absentee father.

reflective, emotional, atmospheric—books for long drives, rainy days, and evenings on the porch, when you’re craving something a little more thought-provoking and deep.

The Bright Years by Sarah Damoff: a multigenerational family saga about a family in Texas who are at once in love and harboring life changing secrets from one another. Portraying both complicated but realistic family dynamics and emotional depth, each character navigates the effects of addiction, loss, and healing.

Homeseeking by Karissa Chen: an intimate and sweeping narrative following two childhood best friends and lovers who are separated by war and spend decades weaving in and out of each other’s lives as they confront and redefine their own ideas of home, identity, and love.

Shark Heart by Emily Habeck: a magical realism novel about a newlywed couple whose lives are disrupted by one’s diagnosis of a transformation into a great white shark. Used as a metaphor for degenerative diseases, this unique novel explores love, illness, caretaking, and the beautiful and terrible nature of humanity.

The Berry Pickers by Amanda Peters: this story follows the parallel lives of a young girl who goes missing in the blueberry fields of Maine, her brother, and an affluent, adopted girl in a nearby town as they each grapple with missing pieces of their past, overcoming trauma, and the search for truth and connection.

The Names by Florence Knapp: praised for its unique structure and emotional impact, this novel follows a mother and her son through three alternate timelines based on the name chosen for him as a baby. Using a “what if” framework, each path explores domestic violence, family bonds, and free will.

gripping, social, electric—books for staying up late to see how it ends, when you want something immersive and unpredictable to binge and tell all your friends about.

Too Good to Be True by Carola Lovering: told from three perspectives across dual timelines and exploring themes of love, obsession, and betrayal, this psychological thriller follows a seemingly perfect relationship between a twenty-something woman and a charming older man that unravels slowly through deception.

Before We Were Innocent by Ella Berman: focusing on the complexities of female friendship and the lasting effects of trauma, this coming of age meets true crime novel follows two friends who, living in the fallout of a life-changing summer in Greece, are thrust back into each other’s orbit, and forced to confront their past and reconsider their role in the story.

The God of the Woods by Liz Moore: spanning decades and told through multiple timelines and perspectives, this literary thriller follows a series of disappearances at a wealthy family’s summer camp, exploring the complex dynamics between the camp owners and the local community, along with themes of grief and family secrets.

The Guest by Emma Cline: known for its tense prose and ambiguous ending, this novel follows a young woman as she spends one summer week drifting aimlessly through the exclusive social scene in The Hamptons. Using her wit and charm to survive, and leaving behind minor chaos, she navigates class, desire, and her own morality.

Bright Young Women by Jessica Knoll: based on a real life but unnamed serial killer, this novel critiques the media’s romanticization of and obsession with serial killers and true crime, and shifts the focus to the victims and survivors. Told through dual timelines, the narrative follows two women as they connect through grief and a shared pursuit of justice.

here’s what’s on my summer TBR, featuring a few new summer releases on my radar and some backlist books i can’t wait to get into! i pulled from a few different summer moods to include some new to me authors, authors i already love, and a little variety in genres (looking at you, Red Rising). i’m excited to read in the sun, fall in love with new characters, and find something that makes me think a little bigger or deeper.

• Pool House by Mary H.K Choi

• The Shampoo Effect by Jenny Jackson

• Big Little Truths by Liane Moriarty

• Tropesick by Lauren Okie

• The Someday Garden by Ashley Poston

• Mad About You by Mhairi McFarlane

• Junie by Erin Crosby-Eckstine

• Instructions For A Heatwave by Maggie O’Farrell

• Slanting Towards the Sea by Lidjia Hilje

• Red Rising by Pierce Brown

thank you for reading! let me know what your summer reading mood is and what you’re looking forward to this season! until next time,

zara <3

here’s what i’ve been up to!

📚 reading

may reading wrap up:

• homeseeking by karissa chen: a beautiful, heartbreaking story about the strength of human connection, the power of love, the fight for your homeland, and the past versions of yourself that deserved so much more. a phenomenally crafted debut that reminded me why i love reading.

• into the blue by emma brodie: this book took social media by storm in the last month or two, and unfortunately i was on the side of not quite loving it. i found the main character to be so deeply irritating and unlikeable that it took away from other elements of the story that i did enjoy—impactful and emotional writing and the tethered bond of the acting—but i will say the last 50ish pages were superb.

• no matter what by cara bastone: this type of romance was so beautiful and refreshing to read about—years long history and context and inside jokes and reasons to really believe in and root for their relationship. they felt like real people going through and overcoming real trauma and grief, and the ending felt so earned and satisfying.

• the road to tender hearts by annie hartnett: this felt like being told the world’s strangest, most heartfelt bedtime story. flawed characters, second chances, and love in every page.

• love by the book by jessica george: i resonated so deeply with this as a late 20s woman going through a decade-long friendship breakup while also breaking the ice with new friends. an endearing, thought provoking, and ultimately hopeful love letter to female friendship, found family, and what it means to live a full life amidst a changing world.

“Do friendships end when someone stops being of worth? Or maybe it’s comparable to romantic relationships, where after years together, it’s less about trying to replicate what you once had and more about growing alongside each other, and allowing the other person to change. Maybe the answer lies in figuring out how we maintain what we have with distance and new priorities between us?”

• evvie drake starts over by linda holmes: ‘sleepy seaside town’ couldn’t have been more accurate. some sweet and thoughtful moments, but overall kind of forgettable.

stay tuned for an upcoming summer reading guide featuring specifically curated recommendations and some of my highly anticipated reads!

📺 watching

• off campus: my self control left the building when i binged this show in a day and a half. granted, it’s only eight episodes, but i was hooked. it was funny and cute and so entertaining. i don’t care for spice, so there was a fair amount of skipping for me, and i enjoyed the show (more, probably) without it. and as someone who didn’t read the books and doesn’t plan to, i was pleasantly surprised at the amount of depth and ‘real’ things the characters were going through, which also made me enjoy it more.

• invincible: i started watching this with my husband (who has already watched it once) because he couldn’t stop talking about it and it piqued my curiosity. an animated superhero show isn’t entirely off brand for me as a marvel girly, however, this is is on a different level. it’s pretty violent and gory, to be expected to some extent, but the family dynamics, character arcs, and intergalactic politics make for a very plot-twisty, bingeable, and emotional watch. we’re on season four and yeah, i get it now.

👩🏽‍🍳 cooking

meals / snacks / drinks on rotation in our kitchen lately:

• chicken sausage orzo

• skinny dipped dark chocolate peanut butter cups

• hard boiled eggs

• triple berry bubblr

• ground beef and broccoli

• homemade pizza

• boulder canyon kettle cooked chips

• chicken quesadillas

• sub sandwiches with fresh fruit

• strawberry vanilla olipop

• homemade chocolate chip cookies (just tried this recipe for the first time, so yum)

  ---

🧩 entertainment

• once again, seasonal (bucket) lists! really want to prioritize time outside / in the sun / by the water this summer

• volleyball! we joined our church’s summer league and it’s already been so much fun

• monopoly deal

• crossword puzzles (sudoku next?)

• nyt games

• daily walks

• haven’t colored in a while but including it here as a reminder to start a new page this week

  ---

💌 connection

• date nights / intentional time together: this is something my husband and i are always trying to implement more of, but especially in the season of life that we’re in. we went on a picnic over the long weekend, which is a small thing, but it’s something i’d been talking about wanting to do for a long time. we put together a little lunch of sandwiches, fruit, and chips, brought a game and a book, and laid in the sun for a couple hours. it was so relaxing and such a fun, easy way to spend quality time together. we also love going on daily after work walks and talking about our days, watching our show or playing board games with no distractions, and more occasionally going out to dinner and reminiscing about how much our lives have changed and what we’re looking forward to.

• church!!! just in general, i love it and everyone there so much. but more specifically, i recently took a ‘job’ as the ministry co-coordinator for putting together small groups, and as someone who loves lists and organization and admin, it feels like a perfect fit. there are a lot of moving parts and ongoing projects left to work on, and we’re so excited about how it’s coming together.

• buddy reads and weekly facetime calls with my long distance bestie <3

  ---

✨ little joys

• early sunlight through the windows

• a brand new notebook

• cookies fresh out of the oven

• warm weather

• bunnies in our backyard

• new friends

• fun bev while making dinner

• new music

• big sweatshirt warm from the dyer

• falling asleep on the couch on a friday night (is this too niche?)

  ---

thank you so much for reading!! until next time,

zara <3

“there are friendships imprinted in our hearts that will never be diminished by time and distance.”

the idea of ‘best friends forever’ is tenuous when you’re young. you think everything will last forever. you make plans, predict the future, you promise, you swear. you are never prepared for things to fall apart.

i miss you fiercely. i go days without thinking of you. i want to cry thinking of all we’ve lost. i’m angry you didn’t have more to say, grateful there’s nothing to take back. i want to open our messages, go through old photos, analyze every word of our last few interactions. i think about texting you random life updates, screenshots of pop culture news i saw online, a new book, a movie, a fun drink i tried. i think about overused exclamation points, one word answers, emojis, no answer at all.

i remember sneaking into the movies, giggling in math class, black friday shopping, sleepovers, bus rides, feeling like i couldn’t survive high school without you. i remember milestones, long drives, laughing until we cried, coffee shops chats, feeling like there was no way i could never not know you.

we always said our friendship was a ‘low pressure’ one. we weren’t the type to text all day everyday or constantly talk about our feelings. we never called each other out of the blue with important news, never showed up unexpected at each others houses. we were semi long distance; long enough for it to feel like work to get there. this low maintenance label gave us an excuse, after so long, to stay surface level while still claiming the title of best friend. furthermore, it absolved us of the guilt of not always being up to date on each other’s lives. ultimately, it gave us an easy out.

then, i remember feeling slightly disconnected, like every time i wanted to go a little bit deeper or talk a little bit more, i hit a wall or the conversation was redirected. i remember feeling misunderstood, frustrated, defensive of my choices because they weren’t ones you would or had made. i remember feeling on the outside of something, like i missed an exit way back and there was nowhere to turn around.

it’s not because of motherhood. it’s not because of busy schedules. it’s not because of different phases of life. these things matter, of course they do, but rather than bringing us closer or using them as a way to introduce new aspects of our personalities, we we let the gap widen. we used them as convenient excuses. we wanted everything to feel the same, stay the same, when it couldn’t. we were not the same people. maybe we just didn’t know how to move forward, how to assume different roles or play new parts in our carefully curated relationship.

instead, it’s misaligned perspectives, judgements, misunderstandings with no attempt at genuine connection or reconciliation. it’s falling back on history and context that is no longer relevant, no longer a saving grace. it’s years of ‘must be nice to…’ and ‘i wish i could…’ it’s not feeling seen or heard. it’s growth in opposite directions. even in the best of circumstances, how were we to overcome this?

it’s easy, when a relationship ends, to think back on all the things you could’ve done differently. all the things you could’ve said. how you could’ve shown up better. it’s even easier to maintain your own story, your own perspective, to double down, to protect yourself.

i didn’t say goodbye, but maybe it was implied. i always hope and pray the best for you, i will always love you, and at the same time i feel a sort of relief. i will think of you at the next milestone, the next time i see something that reminds me of you, and i’ll continue to mourn the versions of us that we once were, and all the ones we never got to be. i hope you find what you’re looking for.

spring has finally sprung, and i couldn’t be happier.

Subscribe now

now, onto what i’ve been up to!

📚 reading

in an effort to be succinct (lol) and because i think it’ll be fun, here’s a one sentence review of every book i’ve read since my last bulletin:

• an academic affair by jodi mcalister: bring back men who yearn.

• the will of the many by james islington: proud of myself for getting through this, but i was so confused.

• britt-marie was here by fredrik backman: funny and thoughtful and heartwarming.

• tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom: love each other or perish.

• all the light we cannot see by anthony doerr: “i love this book”, two minutes later, “i hate this book”.

• and now, back to you by b.k borison: an alternate universe where my name is delilah and i’m a meteorologist.

• before i forget by tory henwood hoen: had me with the father/daughter dynamics, lost me with the flat writing and weird exploitative business ventures.

• lightbreakers by aja gabel: the most precious and cruel gift is the passage of time.

• theo of golden by allen levi: i didn’t love this like i thought i would but there were some good quotes about life and grief.

• buckeye by patrick ryan: really enjoyed the deep exploration of family dynamics, identity, and generational trauma.

• dandelion is dead by rosie storey: quirky, messy, and a little bit icky, but at least she has a cute name.

• tom lake by ann patchett: encapsulated perfectly all the beautiful little moments that make up a life.

• the unselected journals of emma m. lion: vol 1 by beth brower: between this and bridgerton i’ll never stop talking in a british accent (very charming and witty and fun.)

  ---

📺 watching

ever since watching both gilmore girls and stranger things in full for the first time i’ve been itching to get lost in another fictional world, so if you have any recs please send them my way!!

i watched the first three seasons of bridgerton upon a friend’s incredible insistence which left me feeling very underwhelmed. three seasons is a lot to watch for someone claiming to not really like something, one might say, and one would be correct. i got caught in a web. a highly dramatic, sometimes uncomfortable, no brain power web. all i have to show for it is the aforementioned british accent i’ve adopted.

in the meantime, my husband and i been watching a plethora of cooking shows and sitcoms. our favorites are next level chef and masterchef. we love to ask each other what dish we’d come up with if we were in their positions, and then pause and cast our votes for who will get eliminated. it’s so much fun.

we also loooove abbott elementary. the season five finale just aired and cleared up a lot of mess thankfully, and it’s made us so excited for next season. it’s funny and heartwarming, and the cast is brilliant.

👩🏽‍🍳 eating

not many new recipes have been coming out my kitchen lately, but here’s some oldie but goodie meals / snacks / drinks i’ve been loving:

• iced latte with brown sugar, honey and cinnamon

• milk and dark chocolate covered almonds (thank you, trader joes)

• crispy potato taco bowls

• sweet and spicy salmon with rice and broccoli

• bloom energy crisp apple

• baby carrots with ranch dip

• roasted sweet potatoes

• avocado toast with balsamic glaze and everything but the bagel seasoning

• poppi root beer

  ---

🧩 entertainment

to go along with wanting to live a slower, more intentional life, here are a few hobbies/activities i’ve been been enjoying (some of these are off screen/social media, which who knew, actually does make a difference, and some are technically on screen, but not in a doom scroll, brain fog sort of way):

• seasonal bucket lists!!! some things i want to do to really embrace and romanticize this spring:

  • picnic in the park

  • paint pottery

  • go to the farmers market

  • visit a new (to me) coffee shop

  • ditto a local bookstore

  • date night with no phones

• i recently made a junk drawer pinterest board which is kind of a catchall, unserious way to save things that are cute, nostalgic, crafty, funny, anything that speaks to me and doesn’t fit anywhere else. it’s low pressure and fun and has been a great way to gain inspiration for other areas of my life.

• i also recently (and by recently i actually mean yesterday) made an ‘on a walk’ playlist filled with the most random but somehow the most perfect assortment of music to feel energized and excited about being outside. i found these cute cd playlist covers on pinterest to really make it fun. next up, shower playlist.

• i (finally) got a crossword puzzle book!!! i got a new york times ‘get better as you go’ book with different difficulty levels and you know, i do actually feel myself getting better after nine puzzles in one week. i love it so much.

  ---

✨ little joys

• (slowly) reading through the gospels

• sunday mornings

• daily walks

• little free libraries

• heart shaped ice in coffee

• booktube on while cleaning or cooking

• cute monthly wallpapers

• finding a new five star book

• quality time with loved ones

  ---

thank you for reading and let me know what you’re looking forward to this spring!! until next time,

zara <3

as the weather warms up and i feel myself finally coming out of my winter shell, i’ve started thinking about seasonal reads, activities, vibes, etc. i compiled some recommendations for every spring mood as well as what’s on my TBR as we settle into a new season and want to get lost in a story.

huge shoutout and thank you to bestie katie for being my impromptu graphic designer and helping me with the book banners <3

Subscribe now

these books feel tender and hopeful; they invite reflection, connection, and growth and encourage fresh starts and new beginnings.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman — a witty but socially inept middle-aged woman navigates loss and loneliness in her perfectly ordered world, but a chance encounter with a coworker offers her a new perspective and takes her on a journey of healing, friendship, and confronting her past.

Adelaide by Genevieve Wheeler — a twenty-something American woman living in London has a bright, full life, but when she falls for a charming but emotionally inconsistent man, it results in a tumultuous relationship that explores themes of grief, mental health, and self-discovery.

Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano — a Little Women inspired family saga about four inseparable sisters and a man who enters their lives, causing a disastrous rift in their relationships. New circumstances force them to rethink what they thought they knew about love, loyalty, identity, and each other.

My Friends by Fredrik Backman — the life changing bond between four teenage best friends transcends time as twenty-five years in the future, their relationship impacts a young woman who is intent on understanding a famous painting that leads back to them. A moving story that explores trauma, art, and the power of friendship.

The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo — a sweeping multi-generational saga that follows four daughters of a seemingly perfect family and the unexpected ways that love and loss exist together. Told through multiple perspectives, this story examines marriage, sibling rivalry, and relationship dynamics with humor and authenticity.

honorable mentions:

• The Correspondent by Virginia Evans

• Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

these books feel warm and joyful; they ask you to sit in the sun a while longer, consider the beauty all around you, allow love to bloom.

Funny Story by Emily Henry — a laid back bartender and a quiet, people-pleasing librarian have more in common than they think when they become roommates after their significant others break up with them for each other. Full of humor, second chances, and found family, together they discover new paths in life.

Beg, Borrow, Or Steal by Sarah Adams — two feuding elementary school teachers in a small town can never agree on anything but circumstances force them to work together and confront their undeniable connection, along with overcoming their own personal and familial hardships along the way.

Ready or Not by Cara Bastone — full of heartfelt dialogue, emotional depth, and a sweet slow burn romance, this story follows a young woman through the good, the bad, the ugly, and love in all its forms when she ends up unexpectedly pregnant.

The Rom-Commers by Katherine Center — a woman who dreams of becoming a successful screenwriter is hired to help a famous but difficult author write a romcom. His cynicism leads them on a path of personal growth and overcoming their pasts while she tries to prove him wrong about love.

Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell — with a mixture of nostalgia, compassion, and the messy reality of adulthood, former teenage best friends reconnect after fourteen years and begin to untangle their past and the love story they left behind with the possibility of rekindling something new.

honorable mentions:

• Before We Were Strangers by Renée Carlino

• Perfect Fit by Clare Gilmore

these books feel charming and whimsical; they challenge you to stay up a little later, take the long way home, experience something new and exciting.

The Wishing Game by Meg Shaffer — a reclusive author invites four people, including a down-on-her-luck teacher’s aide, to his private island to participate in a competition for his new book with a potentially life changing prize. A heartwarming and adventurous novel about overcoming adversity, chasing your dreams, and the power of books.

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt — known for its unique narrative voice, emotional depth, and themes of grief, redemption, and connection, this story follows the unlikely bond between a highly intelligent octopus and a grieving widow as they unravel her mysterious past.

Half A Soul by Olivia Atwater — a witty and whimsical take on regency fantasy about a young woman who was cursed with losing half her soul, leaving her incapable of feeling emotions. When she meets the enigmatic court magician, dangerous hijinks ensue while she navigates society and finding a cure for her condition.

A Novel Love Story by Ashley Poston — a literature professor finds herself trapped inside her favorite fictional series where she believes she must help the town find its ‘happily ever after’, while at the same time growing closer to the grumpy bookstore owner who seems intent on stopping her. A playful commentary on romance tropes and the relationship between readers and fiction.

Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross — a young adult fantasy romance about two rival journalists competing for a position at the local paper, leading to a romance that unfolds through magical, anonymous letters. Soon they’re pulled into a larger conflict while navigating family expectations, first love, and a changing world.

honorable mentions:

• The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

• Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (sorry i had to, and yes this is a spring book i won’t accept any arguments)

some of the books on my spring TBR!

Tom Lake by Ann Patchett — set on a cherry orchard in northern michigan with a youthful romance, mother/daughter relationship dynamics, and themes of love, family, and memory make this the perfect recipe for a springtime read for me.

Theo of Golden by Allen Levi — sign me up for anything with an old man protagonist! said to be a heartwarming and sentimental novel about generosity, human goodness and connection, and finding holiness in the everyday. i can’t wait to cry like a baby (complimentary).

Dandelion is Dead by Rosie Storey — with themes of grief, sisterhood (my absolute favorite), identity, and hope after tragedy, this story follows a woman who impulsively goes on a date pretending to be her late sister after finding a message from a charming man in her dating app.

The Road to Tender Hearts by Annie Hartnett — a sixty-three year old recent widow and lottery winner embarks on a road trip to find his long lost love when his estranged daughter, orphaned grandchildren, and a cat named Pancakes join him and it becomes a chaotic journey of family dysfunction and unexpected connection.

Kin by Tayari Jones — praised for being witty, insightful, and emotionally rich, this historical fiction follows the lifelong friendship of two motherless girls as their shared loss tests their bond and pushes them to navigate different life choices and societal pressures.

honorable mentions because i can’t help myself:

• American Fantasy by Emma Straub

• Cherry Baby by Rainbow Rowell

• No Matter What by Cara Bastone

• The Book Witch by Meg Shaffer

• The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion by Beth Brower

thank you for reading! let me know what you’re looking forward to this spring and what’s on your TBR.

until next time,

zara <3

now let me tell you about my last couple of weeks!

on my bookshelf

• lost lambs by madeline cash: every so often i’ll read a book that i know is out of my comfort zone/not suited to me or my taste, but that i feel like can provide a pathway for interesting, thought provoking discussions (even if and sometimes especially if i don’t agree with the takes.) this was one of those books. most of this was genuinely so bizarre, but there were some shining moments of introspection and humor.

• the correspondent by virginia evans: this was truly exceptional. i’m still at a loss for words honestly.

  “You should know that this text, this work of storytelling, touched something in me, lit a wick. I suppose I’m moved. That’s what I’m trying to say. You moved me.”

  “It’s taken me some time to recognize how knowing you has been like coming in from the cold, lonely road to find a warm fire and a table laid.”

  “The grief that must fill the world is incomprehensible. Our small dose felt as large as the sun, didn’t it?”

  beautiful, rich, intimate, perfect. literally everyone should read this book.

• happy all the time by laurie colwin: i saw a comment that said colwin is the boomer version of sally rooney, which made me chuckle, but i enjoyed this! a short and sweet commentary on friendship, adulthood, marital life, and domesticity with sympathetic characters, witty dialogue, sharp humor, and an ending tied up in a bow.

i’m currently reading an academic affair by jodi mcalister which has been such a treat for valentine’s day vibes. speaking of, by the time this is posted i’ve gone book shopping (my favorite gift from my valentine) so look forward to that, i’m so excited to share a haul!

binge-watching

i’m screaming as i type this (no, seriously), we have ONE episode left of stranger things. i have so many thoughts, but also, my brain is empty? the first couple episodes of season five i felt a little underwhelmed/bored, which is very similar to how i felt at the beginning of season four, but i ended up loving it. so i’m simultaneously excited and scared with this one. i feel like there’s not enough time to wrap everything up, to get everybody home, to put everything back together and i just have no idea what to expect. i love the characters, like these are actually my best friends so i can’t handle anything bad happening to them. i’ve also unlocked a part of my personality that really enjoys sci-fi/fantasy/a tiny bit of suspense and it’s been so entertaining. will report back when i’m undoubtedly emotionally destroyed :’)

in my cookbook

• lemon chicken pasta: light, bright, and delicious. i sub with rigatoni and top with red pepper flakes.

• buffalo chicken stuffed sweet potatoes: i really want to start using my crockpot more this year instead of forgetting it exists, so we tried this recipe this week, and really enjoyed it! spicy, sweet, and super filling.

• breakfast for dinner night with pancakes, sausage, and a veggie scramble. my favorite way is with spinach, but i also love to do green peppers and onions.

• homemade chipotle bowls (chicken recipe provided by mom, she’s a bad texter, sorry) with cilantro lime rice, pico, corn, guac, the works. so delicious.

also made rice krispies with valentine’s m&ms for a sweet treat. <3

fun and games

i’ve been coloring so much lately, it’s one of my favorite ways to wind down in the evenings after work. i just got a few more of my favorite coloring books and i’m so excited to get into them.

our social streak has continued in the last couple weeks. we had a birthday dinner, we’ve been helping out with kids club at our church (so fun and life-giving), and trying to spend more time with family. we’ve also been watching the olympics, which truthfully, i only really care for the figure skating, and i’ve been on the edge of my seat, squealing.

the weather is starting to get so, so much better. sunny and slightly warm and perfect for finally being able to go for walks again. false spring? maybe. am i still so happy? absolutely. i’ll take every opportunity to practice gratitude and get excited about something.

little joys

• fresh flowers

• slow mornings

• “this reminded me of you”

• comfy clothes after a long workday

• finding a new favorite song

• mini ice cream cones

• sunshine

• starting a new book

• costco. that’s all

  ---

i hope everyone had a lovely valentine’s day. until next time!!

zara <3

Subscribe now

there was no new bulletin last week because we were visiting my aunt, uncle, and grandma a couple of hours away. we yapped, played games, and stayed up way too late watching UFC (which, admittedly, is not totally my cup of tea, so naturally i was curled up in the corner with my book, and when my eyes got too tired for that, i spent the rest of the night covering them with my hands.) we went to church with them last sunday (so good), then went for brunch at a cute place called the tulip cafe (ditto). all in all, it was a great weekend. we’ve been a bit more social lately than we typically are, but it’s been nice to be able to catch up with loved ones and break up our normal routine a bit.

on my bookshelf

i’ve finished two books in the last two weeks, the first being my reread of 11/22/63. stephen king’s writing is obviously incredible and there’s something so compelling about the concept of time travel, alternate realities, and changing the course of history and life as we know it. (i enjoyed dark matter last year for this reason. am i starting to like sci-fi?) there’s also a strong romance plot, which has caused me actual emotional pain, and which i absolutely love. everyone go read this book.

yesterday i finished this must be the place by maggie o’farrell. i gave this book 4.5 stars, but it’s one where i feel like if i sit with it for a while, it could actually end up being 5. either way, it was so, so well done. it was so thoughtfully written, featured messy characters, complicated family dynamics, and explored identity, mental health, and grief. a beautiful, painful concoction that i happen to adore.

“I don’t think our language contains a word with sufficient largesse or capacity to express the euphoria I feel as I bury my face in her hair, as I dive inside her coat and press her form to mine. What redemption there is in being loved: we are always our best selves when loved by another. Nothing can replace this.”

i loosely put together a january TBR at the beginning of the month. i don’t always do this, but i love a list and i especially love seasonal TBRs. i’ve refined my reading taste a lot and usually have a pretty good idea of whether or not i’ll be interested in certain books, so long story long, sometimes i stick to my lists and sometimes i don’t.

my february hopefuls:

• the will of the many by james islington (rolled over — hoping to actually get to this this month)

• the correspondent by virginia evans

• lost lambs by madeline cash

• an academic affair by jodi mcalister

• all the light we cannot see by anthony doerr

  ---

binge-watching

we are officially on the final season of stranger things!!! i can’t remember the last time i got through a show so quickly, especially one that is so current and has such a strong presence in media and pop culture. it’s honestly been such an emotional roller coaster (cue me sobbing at the end of season three and immediately facetiming katie to scream.) i love the friendship and found family aspects so much, the adolescence/teenage drama and hijinks, and even though they do sometimes actually scare me, i think the sci-fi elements and storytelling are so well done. season four was a very close second favorite behind season one; there’s just nothing that can top the feeling of finding something new to love and obsess over. i’m equally nervous and excited to see what season five has in store, but also sad that it’s coming to an end.

in my cookbook

we decided to not eat out during the month of february since last month was so disorganized and chaotic in that area. (also, health!) it’s felt so nice in the last few months to really change my mindset and make being in the kitchen a very relaxing, fun, decompressing time.

some meals we’ve enjoyed recently:

• ground beef and broccoli: this was a new to me recipe and it was so good! i really loved the crunch of the broccoli and the asian inspired sauce. will definitely be revisiting this one.

• pepperoni pasta bake: i’ll admit this one is a little random and i did judge the recipe by the picture, but we actually ended up enjoying it! it’s really simple and great option for a ‘lazy’ night.

• chicken sausage and broccoli orzo: this is one of those meals that you probably don’t need a recipe for, but again, it’s super quick and easy, and i really like using chicken sausage for protein.

  ---

fun and games

not much to say in this department because i’ve just been doing all the same things lately, which isn’t a bad thing! writing, scrolling pinterest, coloring, watching youtube. we had my husband’s belated work christmas party, which was fun, and then hosted some friends for fight night (more UFC, i don’t know what’s going on with that.) i’m looking forward to spending some time at home this week, just the two of us and our little hobbies.

little joys

• large diet coke with cherry from kwik trip

• reorganizing my bookshelves

• a brand new chapstick (or lip gloss)

• temperatures above freezing

• morning prayer time

• sleeping in on the weekend

• online window shopping

• fellowship with loved ones

  ---

until next week!!

zara <3

i rewrite history in a single afternoon. there are no rules, i tell myself. here, in my mind, he can be anything. he can be present and accounted for, he can be sober, he can be loving. he can tuck me in at night and eat breakfast with me in the morning. he can take me to the park. we can go for drives, have picnics in the backyard, fall asleep on the couch during movie marathons. he can teach me how to drive and watch me graduate from high school. he can meet the man who will one day become my husband.

i think of growing up in a house where his shadow hid in every corner. i think of learning how to ride a bike, his solid grip on the back, never letting me fall. i think of lazy weekends, playing board games, walks to school, field trips. i think of his loud voice, his strong hands. i think of his disappearing acts, his easy indifference, his amazing talent for never talking about anything serious or real. i think of how much was pushed under the rug, buried deep down. i think of how he used to tell me how he loved me, and how i believed him. i think of the version of him that existed before i ever knew him. he’s mythical, unreal, a character i made up.

i’m tormenting myself with the idea that the presence of him in my mind will go away when i’ve forgiven him, once and for all. if i could just create the perfect childhood in my mind, the perfect world, i would be free. if i could just rewire my brain, find the perfect balance between pushing him away and allowing a part of him to stay close. if only if only if only. maybe if i’d tried harder, maybe if i were better, smarter, different. maybe if we’d had more time, if he’d made better choices. maybe maybe maybe.

it’s not fair to create this sort of alternate reality, not really; to put this kind of pressure and manipulation on myself or a situation that has long since been laid to rest, to think i have any sort of power over it. when we talk about forgiveness in church, i sometimes get a knot in my chest, i feel a drop in my stomach. i haven’t figured it all the way out yet. (who has?) it’s for me, i know, not for him. it’s handing over the burden, laying it down at my Savior’s feet, because it was never mine to carry in the first place. it’s trust and grace and peace. it will never be perfect, i will never have all the answers that i want, i am still learning, still healing. i remind myself of this, but i’m only human, and the road is long. sometimes i feel myself completely unattached from him. he holds no weight, he was there, and now he’s not. forgiven. forgotten.

other times, i daydream.

my relationship with my father was, and is, one of the more complicated matters of my heart. i am angry, a lot. i am sad, nostalgic, confused, tired. i miss him, a lot. even with the bad, i am reminded of how much i love him. it’s a difficult thing to reconcile. he is so much of me that the loss of him seems to be happening over and over again. it’s fresh every time i think about him, and at the same time so completely unbelievable. i could write a thousand pieces on the subject, but for now, thank you so much for reading.

zara <3

on my bookshelf

in complete contrast to last week, i only finished one book this week: loved one by aisha muharrar. this book had a lot of elements that i really enjoy; character driven, exploring grief, platonic love versus familial love, female friendship (which i would’ve liked even more of). there were a couple moments throughout where i started to feel a bit bored and kind of like ‘what’s the point of this’, but the writing was succinct and it ended up coming together in a way that felt true to the characters, which i appreciated.

“There was a throbbing meaninglessness that could at any moment spread into an ache and pull me apart. Over time, I did think about it less, but when I did, this wide gulf would open again, and even if I didn’t fall in, just walking the perimeter of it was miserable.”

the next book i started, which i’m so excited about you have no idea i could go on and on, is a reread of 11/22/63 by stephen king. i’m buddy reading this with my friend katie and i can’t wait to see what she thinks of it, and also just to dive back into the world. the size of the book is a bit intimidating, but so so worth it. we’re also going to watch the show afterwards which, you guessed it, i’m so excited for.

binge-watching

we’re still watching stranger things of course, and really enjoying it. we’re somehow on season three already? which feels crazy to me? but anyway, some thoughts:

• i overall liked season one more than season two. it felt so fresh and exciting and i loved being introduced to all the characters for the first time.

• my favorite character is still eleven, please protect her at all costs. i love seeing her come out of her shell and develop relationships. she’s also just so cool.

• someone please get billy out of here. i cannot stand that guy.

• the steve/dustin friendship is sooo good.

• i love the overall look and vibe of the show, it’s so much fun. however, why am i genuinely spooked at times? i’m talking yelping out loud….

i’m so excited to keep watching!!

in my cookbook

this week was a bit of a flop in terms of recipes. we had the unstuffed pepper skillet that i’ve mentioned before which is so good and made some quick, easy tacos another night, but everything else was a little disorganized. when we were out of town, i finally tried raising cane’s which i was excited about even though i know it’s kind of overhyped. i liked it, i just wish the fries were crispier/more crinkle cut. overall 8/10 (my husband gave it 6/10, we’d rather have zaxbys, iykyk). we also ended up having pizza a couple nights, and snacking a lot. overall not our best week in terms of eating habits, but life happens! i’m looking forward to getting back into our meal plan routine this coming week and having a combination of old favorites and new recipes.

fun and games

my coloring book fixation has once again entered the chat, and i love it. i’ve been using the fuzzy hygge coloring book which is so cute and cozy. i got some new pastel markers for christmas and it’s been fun to do different color themes and patterns (literally going back to my current page immediately after writing this).

my husband and i also played a a couples questions game, which we have multiple brands and versions of, we just like yapping, while we were out of town. for us they’re a great way to be present and foster quality time and genuine conversation.

i was reminded of the mobile game good coffee great coffee while watching youtube this week. i remember last year when it was making its rounds on social media, and i had such a blast with it. it’s such an easy, mindless game to just lay on the couch and play with a show or movie on in the background.

little joys

• fuzzy socks

• laughing so hard your stomach hurts

• waking up to a clean house

• cozy ambiance videos

• long walks

• seasonal pinterest boards

• cracking open a cold one (energy drink)

• telling people you love them

  ---

as always, thanks so much for reading! ily all!

zara <3

on my bookshelf

somehow i’ve already finished three books this year (although one of them was the last book in the beartown trilogy, it tore my heart out and i loved it, i promise i’ll shut up about it now.) going off of my january hopefuls i read and then there was you by sophie cousens, and unfortunately i really did not like this book. i saw a spoiler about a certain part of the romance/love interest and i should’ve known it wouldn’t be for me, but i still wanted to give it a try. open mind and all that. there was a really cute dog in the story, which helped, but i ended up giving this book two stars.

i immediately followed this up with another romance, in your dreams by sarah adams. this is the last book in an interconnected series that follows four siblings in the fictional town of rome, kentucky. this book is friends to lovers / unrequited love (if such a trope exists), and the guy is a farmer and the girl is a chef. i enjoyed this book but it did feel like there was something missing for me. i would’ve liked to see a bit more emotional depth in the romance and more time spent with some of the side plots, especially the parent/sibling dynamics, which i thought were really lovely. overall this was sweet and fun. four stars!

binge-watching

i finished gilmore girls: a year in the life….…. need i say more? no, but actually, this felt like a huge waste of time and total character assassination. emily’s story arc wasn’t that bad but everything else just kind of left me with a huge question mark. why are lorelai and luke still not communicating after nearly ten years together? why is rory willingly subjecting herself to being the other woman? what’s up with the random musical numbers? i loved the original series despite its many flaws and in my head it ended there.

i’m not usually the type of person who keeps up with all the new / popular shows and movies but now i kind of want to be? i love being in on the conversation, so on the (very) strong recommendation of (once again) my sweet friend katie, we finally started watching stranger things. we just finished season one and we’re having a great time. i love that it’s a little spooky, a little funny, and really endearing all at the same time. my favorite character so far is eleven and my husband’s is hopper, both followed closely by dustin. i can’t wait to start season two and see how my thoughts and feelings change.

in my cookbook

i’m not really someone who can freestyle in the kitchen, i like to follow recipes (unless it’s like a little snacky snack or girl dinner then i’m all over it), so i was really excited to get back into the kitchen and cook this week. my mom got me this really cute recipe journal with a weekly spread and a section for your grocery list, and it stands up so you can display it in the kitchen, which i love.

standout meals i made this week:

• lasagna soup: i only make this recipe in the winter because it’s such a comfort meal for me, and it gives me something to look forward to. it’s cheesy, creamy, a little spicy, and great for leftovers.

• chicken sausage orzo: this is a quick, easy, really yummy one pot meal which is great for nights when i don’t really feel like cooking and/or when my husband works late so it’s a win win.

• hot honey flatbread pizza: i mentioned this last week too, but as a pizza loving household, it’s a staple. i change up the toppings depending on how we’re feeling, and i like to use garlic naan for the crust. 10/10.

• burgers and homemade sweet potato fries: a classic! this is the second time i’ve used this recipe for the fries. i skipped the cornstarch this time around and i personally thought they were a lot better. next time i’d also use more seasoning.

  ---

fun and games

i spent most of my free time this week reading so i haven’t engaged much in other hobbies. i’ve been keeping up with willow on webkinz of course, and scrolling on pinterest, which is muscle memory at this point. i had a girls day with my mom and sister where we spent the day shopping, talking, and laughing, then we had a family game night. we played a few different board/card games, including drop the mic, where you have to think of and sing a song with a certain word in the title, splurt, where you have to think of and shout out a word that contains, begins with, or ends with a certain letter, and then we did charades and Bible trivia. over the years my husband and i have been collecting games, because it’s fun and also because it’ll be sweet to share and pass on to our kids, and almost all of these games were christmas gifts which we loved so much.

little joys

• communion

• slow mornings

• quality family time

• watching the (later) sunset

• cracking open an olipop or poppi while making dinner

• facetime catchups with long distance friends

• walking around the bookstore with no rush

• inspirational / motivational phone background

  ---

thank you so much for reading! until next week <3

zara

there’s nothing really that special about january first except for how symbolic it feels. it serves as the perfect opportunity to get that new notebook or planner even though you have several unused on your shelves, or for rebranding your website or organizational system even though you’ve been obsessing over it for months already. it’s the perfect time for reinvention. i really do think there’s value in allowing yourself to dream big and reminding yourself what’s important to you. i think where the problem comes in, at least in my own life, is the pressure. whether it’s from social media or society or if it’s self-inflicted, i think there are ways to make it feel less daunting and overwhelming, less like a bulleted, step by step list of ways to make this ‘your best year yet’ and more like just living. because it’s not one size fits all, and there is no perfect recipe for creating a life you love. it is having goals and being intentional and trial and error.

when i think back on this year i’m mostly filled with gratitude. it was a steady and gentle year. there were, of course, things i didn’t do that i wanted to, ways in which i wasn’t motivated or disciplined enough, family dramas, petty arguments, ways we fall short because we are all human. but overall, i’m happy and safe and so loved, and i think sometimes that’s all this is. all you can ask for.

my vision board and goals for 2026 are mostly all variations of things i’ve wanted to work on or achieve in some way over the last couple of years, which i don’t think is necessarily a bad thing. it feels like a nice way for me to track progress over time and be realistic, instead of trying to turn myself into a completely different person every year.

some of my priorities for 2026:

• grow in my faith and relationship with God (looks like: reading my Bible everyday, fuller prayer life, and more active in my church)

• focus on my health, nutrition, and movement (looks like: going for walks/using my walking pad everyday, cutting sugar and alcohol consumption down, and becoming more consistent with meal planning and cooking at home)

• show up better in my relationships (looks like: loving my husband more biblically, being intentional about quality time and date nights, and nurturing and pouring into my friendships/loved ones)

• mindful financial habits (looks like: sticking to our budget and paying off all our debt — so close!)

other small but mighty goals and intentions:

• continue writing everyday and keep up with posting schedule

• read more nonfiction — memoirs, faith based, etc. (please send any recs my way!)

• lower my screen time / more mindful consumption

• start journaling regularly

  ---

in other news, let me tell you about my week(ish)!

on my bookshelf

i spent what felt like the entire month of december inside the beartown trilogy. this is a series primarily about ice hockey which typically wouldn’t be super interesting to me, but fredrik backman transports you directly into this tiny, frozen town in the forest and introduces you to a heartbreakingly hopeful community from the very first page, and it’s unputdownable. a truly incredible world and cast of characters.

“If you want to know why people sacrifice everything for love, you have to start by asking how they fell in love. Sometimes it doesn’t take anything at all for us to start loving something. Just time.”

“What makes us shout loud with joy? What makes us cry? What are our happiest memories, our worst days, our deepest disappointments? Who did we stand alongside? What’s a family? What’s a team? How many times in life are we completely happy?

it was a slow but rewarding reading month and because i knew i’d be busy i was also doing a no-buy on books. and as much as i have loved being in beartown, i’m also itching to get to some other books that have been on my radar for a while.

my january hopefuls:

• and then there was you by sophie cousens

• in your dreams by sarah adams

• loved one by aisha muharrar

• this must be the place by maggie o’farrell

• the will of the many by james islington

  ---

binge-watching

i finally finished gilmore girls. yes, for the first time, and yes, i loved it. i’ve been deep in the trenches of fandom reading all the discourse and theories and how much everybody hates the revival (which i am currently watching. no comment.) i think i enjoyed the early seasons more. there’s something about fresh faced, rosy cheeked rory that i loved so much, constantly carrying around books, rivals with paris, the early friday night dinners, and her and lorelai attached at the hip. i also just love stars hollow itself with all the random town festivals and small town quirkiness. the epitome of fun and cozy. the boyfriends however are a different story. dean was a no, jess was a no, and logan was a….it depends. the later seasons, particularly six and seven, were a little more painful, but still really bingeable. i also really enjoyed how the characters were never just one thing, they’re all messy and layered and emotionally complex, and i think it added a huge layer of relatability in a show that can sometimes feel pretty out of touch with reality.

in my cookbook

very unfortunately for me, i got my wisdom teeth removed a couple of weeks ago so i haven’t been cooking much at all. i’ve been getting by on mashed potatoes, ramen noodles, cottage cheese, applesauce, and scrambled eggs but thankfully i’m starting to add regular food back into my diet. that being said, i’m really excited to get back into cooking and weekly menus. i’ve gone back and forth on the concept of meal planning for a long time. sometimes it works and sometimes i forget all about it. when it does work, though, i really love it. it eliminates that really annoying part of the day when you get home from work and no one knows what they want to eat or feels like cooking. it’s also just incredibly simple. i scroll on pinterest and find some recipes that look good, then i usually go through my calendar to see which days are busier than others to determine what type of recipes i’ll feel like cooking on certain days. put a cozy ambiance or youtube video on in the background and it’s a fun little activity.

a few of my favorite recipes:

• marry me chicken orzo

• unstuffed pepper skillet

• hot honey flatbread pizza

• sausage tortellini bake

  ---

fun and games

like everyone else on the internet right now i’m loving the idea of offline hobbies. something fun, a little creative, and low pressure that gets me off screens and forces me to slow down and spend time with myself. i love anything that makes me feel like a kid again for a while. last year i was really into coloring, which i’m carrying into this year, and it has been a great way to turn your brain off for a while and just relax. i love finding inspo on pinterest (can this be a hobby in and of itself? i’m including it as one), and trying out different patterns and coloring techniques. i love doing this with, yet again, a youtube video, show or movie on in the background and it’s a great way to spend an evening. another hobby, which speaks right to my inner child, that i’ve recently started thanks to my sweet friend katie, is webkinz. i have a cutie little horse named willow who i log in to check on and feed and play games with everyday. this may sound a little silly, and it kind of is, but to me that’s the point. it’s just pure whimsy and fun.

little joys

what this means to me is finding ways to create or integrate small pockets of joy and fulfillment into my everyday life, and practicing gratitude for the blessings, big and small, that make these habits and routines possible.

how i’m loving life lately:

• celebrating my husband’s birthday with dinner and a staycation

• ben and jerry’s gimme s’more ice cream for dessert

• listening to worship music while getting ready and riding in the car, and the peaceful feeling follows

• the ritual and sounds of making my morning iced latte

• dimming all the lights and turning on my candle warmer

• the corner of the couch where i settle in with a blanket and my book

• utilizing my prayer list

  ---

thank you so much for reading! i loved brainstorming and writing this post, and am looking forward to creating more. let me know what your new year’s goals/intentions are and how you’re loving life lately.

zara <3

worst (in no particular order):

rachel weiss’s group chat by lauren appelbaum - 1/5

this was one of my first reads of 2025 and i can still remember how intensely i disliked it, which is kind of impressive in its own way. this book had the most annoying cast of characters maybe ever. no character development, redeeming qualities, or romantic chemistry to speak of.

deep end by ali hazelwood - 1/5

rip to last years list when i couldn’t shut up about how much i loved ali hazelwood’s books. this book, paired with some personal reflection throughout the year, really ruined her for me, along with the entire concept of smut in books. it’s just not for me, it doesn’t serve me or align with what i’m looking for, and there are so many books out there i would rather spend time on.

the secret history by donna tartt - 1/5

circling back to the beginning — somehow this was my second time reading this book and i wish i could scrub it from my brain. that’s all.

ps i hate you by lauren connolly - 2/5

this sounded promising - brother’s best friend and a strong side plot of grief and family dynamics. however, i was once again let down by an insufferable female lead. also i’m so sorry but moving across the country, buying a town home on the same street, and interviewing for a position at the same company? jail.

it’s different this time by joss richard - 2/5

another unfortunate case of loving the cover and hating what’s inside. to me this was just simply not a believable romance, the miscommunication was on another level, and the characters read like teenagers (derogatory), which opens up a whole other critique on the actual writing, which to me, was not great. oh and a third act breakup in a story where they’ve already broken up once? jail x2.

never over by clare gilmore - 2/5

as a clare gilmore superfan it truly pains me to say that i did not like this book. the mix of tropes, narrative structure, and dialogue came together in a way that felt very cheesy and forced to me. i didn’t like or buy in to the romance or the main character’s personality, and i really missed the emotional depth and more sophisticated writing style of her previous two books, which i LOVED.

you between the lines by katie naymon - 2/5

there were a few things i liked about this book: the cover is gorgeous and i appreciated the side plots on writing/publishing discourse and complicated parental relationships. everything else was painful to get through, especially the lack of emotional maturity and boundaries. also i really hope taylor swift got some royalties for the amount of times she was mentioned/referenced.

like mother, like mother by susan rieger - 2/5

this felt very slow moving and thick with the intention of going deeper but never really getting there. there were a couple depictions of sisterhood in this book that i enjoyed, but apart from that i was mostly bored with the narration, characters, and overall direction of the story.

the night circus by erin morgenstern - 2/5

i think ultimately i was just not the right audience for this book. while i do think it was well written, i was not vibing with the time jumps, magic system, or most of the characters, which left me feeling very confused throughout and definitely by the time i got to the end.

deep cuts by holly brickley - 2/5

i liked the 2000s era setting of this book and there were a few striking lines that caught my eye, but more than that i found the characters to be deeply unlikeable (and not in a way that felt purposeful or gave them room to grow, they were just…like that), which really took me out of the story and left me unable to connect with them.

honorable mention: what happens in amsterdam by rachel lynn solomon - 2/5

there wasn’t necessarily anything bad about this book, it was just so surface level and forgettable. there were a couple sweet lines and moments but mostly i didn’t feel like there was enough emotional depth or backstory for me to really care about the two main character’s histories and struggles.

best (in no particular order):

good dirt by charmaine wilkerson - 5/5

my first five star of the year! my heart hurt so good after finishing this book. it was extremely touching and personal. there are a lot of storyline changes and POV shifts throughout the book which felt necessary in getting the full emotional depth and complexity of the characters and their decision making. the love stories and little crumbs of romance in this were also incredible.

the best worst thing by lauren okie - 5/5

this book was such a surprise and it absolutely blew me away. the main character deals with infertility issues and i really appreciated how they were handled. each interaction and conversation was the perfect mixture of vulnerability and grace, and pain and betrayal. on top of that, the romance was romancing. it was funny and flirty, and tender and sweet. i loved the writing and attention to detail. it was so perfect and eye opening.

beartown by fredrik backman - 5/5

i genuinely had no words after finishing this book, just tears. extremely poignant and moving, and truly brilliant writing/characterization. this was my most recent five star and i fear i will be thinking about it for a long, long time. (i’m currently in the middle of the final book in the trilogy and it’s ruining me. i love it.)

the bright years by sarah damoff - 5/5

this was a simultaneously heartbreaking and hopeful story of loving someone through addiction and through grief. there were some really stunning lines in this book that took my breath away. thoughts and experiences and wishes and pain that felt like they were taken directly from inside of me. a timeless read.

wild dark shore by charlotte mcconaghy - 5/5

this is one of those books that i think is best to go into blind. it was haunting and gripping and extremely atmospheric (but also really, really tender and full of so much love). the writing and distinct voices of each character were so well crafted and i really enjoyed the musings on parenthood and building a life and your responsibility to the world and in the world.

the wedding people by alison espach - 5/5

what really spoke to me about this book was the main character’s beautiful arc — from wanting to end things to being able to stand in the face of fear and pain and see all the wonderful things you could have on the other side. i loved the sharp and dry humor, and i thought the conversations around friendship and reflection and mourning were so insightful. there was some truly incredible commentary in this book about living, particularly choosing to live, that i loved.

bright young women by jessica knoll - 5/5

this was another huge surprise to me. i’m not a true crime girly at all, but i read this on a recommendation and am so glad i did. it was a really frustrating and emotionally taxing read but the payoff was worth it in my opinion, and the writing was incredible. i really appreciated how this was such a victim centric story and how so much it felt like an act of solidarity and bravery.

broken country by clare leslie hall - 5/5

this was such an incredible portrait of forgiveness and grace and love. the characters were messy and flawed and frustrating at times, but they felt so real and true that it made it easy for me to empathize with and understand them. the writing was succinct but so profound, and i’m still thinking about the ending.

the life cycle of the common octopus by emma knight - 5/5

this was poignant and thought provoking, punchy and sharp. the commentary on motherhood (and fatherhood, and really, being apart of a family, full stop) was gorgeously done, especially as the title started to make its connection. i loved the friendship and first love and messiness of being a young adult. the writing was immersive and the setting was incredibly lush. so, so good.

heart the lover by lily king - 4.75/5

i read the majority of this book curled up in the corner of the couch with a giant blanket which, in my opinion, was the best way to consume this story. the writing and characters were both so deeply vulnerable and heartfelt. the last time blew me away and i’m still not over it.

honorable mention: it’s a love story by annabel monaghan - 4.75/5

a very rare case of me actually liking and relating to the main character in a romance book. she was incredibly empathetic and introspective. i found myself holding a lot of grace for her and rooting for her to find acceptance and truth within herself. i loved the beach setting, the different family dynamics, and the romance was so full of banter and warmth.

thank you so much for reading! let me know what your favorite (or least favorite) books of the year were. stay tuned for the next post where i’ll be talking more about my 2026 reading intentions and other general new year’s thoughts.

zara <3

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

for any of you who are new here, i write a lot of personal essays. i like to write about my childhood and family dynamics. i like to dig deep and be be vulnerable and really draw on the experiences that made me, that brought me right here, to this moment. writing this newsletter. i’ve had a hard time in the past taking myself seriously, thinking of myself as a ‘writer’, convincing myself that i have something to say that’s worth hearing. i can talk myself in circles, come up with every excuse in the book. i’m busy (not really), does anyone really care? (yes), what would i even write about? (anything. everything. there are parts of myself i haven’t even met yet (an entire essay in and of itself)). the point is this: do it anyway. be afraid or embarrassed, and do it anyway. feel a little weird or silly or out of place, and do it anyway. i’ve always heard that, but never really understood it. i guess because this is the first creative pursuit i’ve cared about this much, that i’ve felt such a connection to, that i really feel called to. i always knew i wanted to come back to this; to writing, creating something, telling a story. it’s an ache, a phantom limb that never goes away. i wanted more structure, though, a sense of reliability, a schedule. i wanted to show up for myself, and in turn, show up for all of you reading this.

so, with that being said, i’m so excited to introduce a new segment here on the blog:

• the sunday bulletin. starting in the new year this will be a round-up style post chronicling what i’ve been reading, watching, eating, treating myself to, hobbies i’m into, etc. i’m looking forward to using this as opportunity to share any life updates and how i’m finding joy in the small things. i’m sure that posting once a week will be a bit of a challenge and learning curve for me, but it’s a routine and consistency i’ve craved for a long time.

you can, of course, still expect personal essays on no particular schedule, along with any seasonal or monthly musings and digital diary entries. i would also love, at some point, to dabble in short stories and fiction pieces.

i’m so grateful to everyone who has subscribed, liked and sent kind words. it means so much to me and i love being able to share my heart with you all. i’ve prayed, dreamed and hoped (and prayed, again and again) that the path for my life would be revealed to me, that my gift would be put to good use, that the love poured into me would be used to love others. a concept my husband really likes and talks through with me is getting to the bottom of why we want something.

‘what’s your why?’

this is it. welcome back.

here’s to the future of brutally soft woman <3

zara

january

reading stats: 8 books, 2,863 pages

top moods: emotional, reflective, tense

top genres: contemporary, literary, romance

1. i didn’t know i needed this by eli rallo (3.5 stars)

i’d followed eli on socials for a long time and when i saw she was coming out with a nonfiction book about love in your twenties, i was excited. the beginning was promising, a mixture of her personal experience with dating and relationships and her ‘rules’ for making the most of those situations. as the book went on, though, i just found myself not really connecting with the main concept of the book. many parts weren’t relatable to me and it felt pretty repetitive and unorganized. i do think her voice is fresh and fun, this just wasn’t for me, but i am intrigued by her next nonfiction piece.

2. the woman in me by britney spears (4 stars)

i’m not the biggest britney fan but i had heard a lot of good things about her memoir, and was interested to hear her finally speak her truth, or maybe the closest that we’ll get to it, about her conservatorship. i was hoping to get a little more clarity on some things that were mentioned but britney’s story, while powerful and heartbreaking, is ultimately her own and i hope she’s able to find true peace and happiness going forward.

3. ruthless vows by rebecca ross (4 stars)

this is the sequel to divine rivals, which i loved, but this fell a little short for me. the romance of the first book was severely lacking, for reasons that make sense within the context of the story, but still, i missed it and i wanted more. the main focus of this book was the war, of which the main characters are stuck on opposite sides. i was expecting more suspense and drama but it kind of just felt a little boring and filler-y. the writing was gorgeous and the ending was sweet but overall i preferred the first one.

4. the last housewife by ashley winstead (3 stars)

this was a great example of not believing everything you see online. i saw this recommended by a couple of booktubers i watch (which yeah, take that with a grain of salt and here’s a little reminder to check trigger warnings) and i was not ready! the story follows a girl who kind of accidentally joined and then escaped a cult in college and the long term effects it had on her life. great writing, but the intricacies of what went on within the cult were really graphic and overall the vibes were just really heavy and disturbing. not for me but if you like true crime stuff, maybe for you!

5. wellness by nathan hill (4.25 stars)

this is one of those literary fiction books that’s super wordy and dense with exposition and information, but really well worth getting through. i loved what this book had to say about being an adult still haunted by your childhood and how that manifests in relationships and parenting and habits and behaviors and ways of life. some parts were dry and put me in a bit of a lull and while i didn’t necessarily agree with or buy into every philosophy, i did think it was so fascinating and clever and showed that in one way or another, everyone’s just trying to make it through.

6. the fury by alex michaelides (3.5 stars)

i unfortunately am one of the people who thought the silent patient was well done and was shocked by the plot twist so for that reason i had pretty high expectations for michaelides’ newest release. this was an interesting thriller because the point of view (unreliable first person but also omnipresent at times?) acted almost as a character in and of itself. it got a little confusing at times and i think overall required some suspension of disbelief. the murder mystery kept me engaged though and while the plot twist/ending didn’t completely blow my mind, it was a fun ride.

7. the midnight library by matt haig (4.25 stars)

yes, i’m so late on this book and yes, i loved it. the concept of parallel universes and trying on other lives was so appealing to a chronic overthinker and emotional girly like me. it was interesting to see the main character’s perspective change and what kind of lessons she learned with each new scenario. the writing was simple and although the story, especially the depiction of mental health struggles, was really vulnerable and relatable, it was a tightrope to walk without being too cliche or predictable. overall, for me, this was a really heartwarming and reflective story.

8. turtles all the way down by john green (3.75 stars)

i probably would’ve enjoyed this a lot more if i’d read it when i was a teenager, but it was still good. i thought the representation of anxiety and ocd were well done but the main character’s therapist kind of bothered me and it never really seemed like she was getting the help or support she needed. i did enjoy the different portrayals of love: missing her father, feeling suffocated by her mother, fighting and making up with her best friend, liking a boy. it was really fascinating to see how she responded to these feelings and situations and allowed (or didn’t allow) them to be present in her life.

february

reading stats: 9 books, 3,318 pages

top moods: funny, emotional, reflective

top genres: contemporary, romance, young adult (oop)

9. good material by dolly alderton (4.75 stars)

dolly alderton’s writing does it for me every! time! i thought this was a really unique and funny way to flip the script on a breakup story. this was maybe one of the only times i’ve read a book almost entirely from the point of view of a man and didn’t have a horrible time. he was really mopey and self pitying but i mean what else can you expect from him after losing the love of his life? i really enjoyed the structure of the story and all the mundane details of him trying to get his life back together. i also loved the point of view switch at the end, it brought so much context and insight to the relationship and breakup. the ending felt like a neat little bow being tied into place.

10. come & get it by kiley reid (4.5 stars)

this was a slow burn no plot just vibes sort of book but somehow it was still really engaging. the characters were icky and problematic but also fleshed out and really fun to read about. i thought the musings on money, class and race were really fascinating and gave a lot of insight to the different relationships and decision making throughout the book. the dialogue/social interactions were really sassy and funny and perfectly captured the time and age group of the characters. the ending was a little lackluster in that nothing really got resolved and nobody took any responsibility for their actions.

11. a love song for ricki wilde by tia williams (3.75 stars)

i have a love/hate relationship with magical realism depending on how it’s executed and sadly this wasn’t it for me. the romance felt really insta lovey which is obviously just a product of this type of story, but still wasn’t my favorite. i also thought the writing/dialogue, specifically in the present timeline, felt really forced. i did really enjoy the 1920s timeline and the characterization of the female main character. overall this just felt kind of lacking to me, especially compared to williams’ first book which i loooved.

12. better than the movies by lynn painter (4.5 stars)

so like i said, young adult typically isn’t my jam, but this! i read this in one day, giggling and kicking my feet the entire time. it was silly and fun and cheesy, but with enough emotional depth that you feel like you’re really investing in something. i thought this story really captured the complex feelings of being a teenager so well. it’s sticky and messy and scary and you’re falling in love and you’re deciding your future and you have no idea what you’re doing. i loved the romance, it was perfect boy next door/partners in crime/best friends to lovers vibes. overall, so cute and so much fun.

13. a million junes by emily henry (4 stars)

this was like a magical mini beach read. the ‘forbidden love’ was fun and made for some good tension and banter, and i loved the strong female friendship. the generational family drama was interesting at times but some of the magical realism bits were a bit much and i really just found myself wanting more of the romance. i appreciated the discussion around grief and thought it was handled delicately but realistically. it was fun to read and see the roots that grew emily henry into what she writes now.

14. bride by ali hazelwood (4.5 stars)

i mean what do you expect from a girl who grew up loving twilight? this was literally just a silly, goofy time. no world building, no explanation for why the vampire girl couldn’t eat any human food besides peanut butter or why the werewolves had green blood. just an arranged marriage and a really cute little girl and a very loosely threaded friendship and a fun little (barely) enemies to lovers. and i loved every minute of it.

15. love theoretically by ali hazelwood (4.25 stars)

there’s something about ali hazelwood’s books that feel like a black hole that you never want to get out of. they’re fun and easy to read with great romance and a handful of emotional depth. the main character was painfully relatable but also painfully annoying at times, and i loved the growth and emotional maturity she experienced throughout the book. this was one of my favorite couples she’s ever written, and i loved the friendships and family dynamics. i don’t care if all of her books are the same story in different fonts, i want them all.

16. the heiress by rachel hawkins (3.5 stars)

this is one of the those books that basically left my brain after i finished reading it. this is technically a thriller but it read more as a family drama to me, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. it was super fast paced and the different point of views along with the letters and newspaper clippings made for an engaging read, if a littler cluttered. the changeling aspect of the story was the most fascinating part and i liked the ending.

17. yolk by mary h.k choi (4.75 stars)

this story was gut wrenching and heartbreaking, but also really funny and sarcastic. i really enjoyed the (kind of) romantic subplot and i thought the estranged family dynamics and the portrayals of grief were really well done. the representation of sisterhood in this book was unlike anything i’ve ever read. loving them more than anything in the world while also feeling like you’re from a different planet. the screaming matches and insult contests and inside jokes and holding each other when you can’t sleep. the unfailing knowledge that you would do anything for them.

march

reading stats: 10 books, 3,851 pages

top moods: emotional, reflective, lighthearted

top genres: romance, contemporary, literary

18. modern love by emma straub (4 stars)

emma straub is so good at character studies. i’ve enjoyed all the books i’ve read by her (especially this time tomorrow which made me ugly cry). this was one of those stories where nothing really happens but the characters feel a lot of feelings and think a lot of thoughts, which i happen to really enjoy. her writing is super immersive and personal and although this wasn’t terribly relatable to me, there was some interesting commentary on youth, identity and marriage.

19. beautiful world, where are you by sally rooney (4.25 stars)

i read normal people a few years ago and felt pretty meh about it so i never really gave much thought to the rest of rooney’s work. when i finally picked this up i (mostly) really, really enjoyed it. more than anything else i think it explains the human experience so perfectly. the characters are largely unlikeable and complicated but they’re also vulnerable and compassionate and just yearning to love and be loved. i thought the prose and structure of the story were incredible.

20. the women by kristin hannah (4 stars)

the first part of this book was extremely moving and really gave a lot of detailed insight into what it was like for women who served in Vietnam. the second part, though, was super chaotic. not only was our main character suffering through the pain and loss of the war, but it felt like every other plot twist possible was being thrown at her, and it started to feel like too much. overall though, this was obviously a hugely important and impactful story and i enjoyed the hopeful ending.

21. this could be us by kennedy ryan (4.25 stars)

kennedy ryan always manages to squeeze in a few lines of dialogue or description that make me cringe so bad, but i did really enjoy this and i think this interconnected series is so fun. the main character’s journey of self discovery and learning to love and accept herself as a woman was so refreshing. i did think the social media of it all was a little heavy handed, but that’s a personal preference. i thought the slow burn romance was so perfect and so sweet. i also really enjoyed the representation of autism and the care and love that went into creating these characters.

22. love on the brain by ali hazelwood (3.5 stars)

this unfortunately is my least favorite ali hazelwood book. the main character was giving manic pixie dream girl and not in a super fun way. her commitment issues, while mostly understandable, did start to become a little obnoxious. the romance was sweet when she finally got out of her own way, but i would’ve liked to see more of them actually together.

23. dear dolly by dolly alderton (4 stars)

“you loved someone and it changed you. aren’t we the lucky ones?”

i thought this advice column was really fun and i appreciated dolly’s signature witty and sharp voice. i’ll read anything this woman writes.

24. done and dusted by lyla sage (3.25 stars)

me immediately after finishing this book: yeehaw (smiley face with cowboy hat emoji)

this was kind of ridiculous and cheesy with no real plot but i had a mildly fun time. i do think the covers in this series are so pretty and fun.

25. bye, baby by carola lovering (4.25 stars)

the way this woman got me to sympathize with a literal baby stealer……….

this was a really surprising and complex take on female friendship, and i really enjoyed that. honestly i don’t have much else to say except that carola lovering loves an unreliable narrator and a plot twist.

26. my last innocent year by daisy alpert florin (4.75 stars)

“i would soon come to understand that adulthood was exactly this: the upending of everything you believed when you were young”

the characters in this book were mostly unlikeable and the story was sometimes sad and difficult to reason with, but the commentary on consent, the gray areas of victimhood, power imbalances, and the terrifying and painful and electrifying of growing up were so! good! i also loved the college backdrop and the new england of it all, however the monica lewinsky scandal felt like an afterthought rather than a central and relevant part of the story.

27. tiny beautiful things by cheryl strayed (5 stars)

first five star of the year! this made me laugh and cry and remember how beautiful it is to be alive. loved, loved, loved.

april

reading stats: 12 books, 4,337 pages

top moods: emotional, reflective, dark

top genres: literary, contemporary, mystery

28. piglet by lottie hazell (3.5 stars)

literally all my review says for this book is “she’s a hungry girl, i get it” and yeah, that’s really all i have to say about this one.

29. conversations with friends by sally rooney (5 stars)

the words in this book were injected directly into my brain and i will never forget them. more mostly unlikeable characters who made ‘bad’ and annoying decisions, but once again, it was such an excellent character study and i loved how human they were (frances i’m looking right at you). definitely want to reread this one.

30. the most fun we ever had by claire lombardo (4.5 stars)

i picked up this book after seeing it was a reese’s book club pick and i ended up loving it. it’s a story about family drama and domesticity and sibling rivalry and relationship dynamics and parenthood and growing up and being a small person in a big world. it was kind of dense, but super compelling and emotional.

31. the night she disappeared by lisa jewell (3.5 stars)

for me personally, this wasn’t as spooky or thrillery as some of lisa jewell’s other books. it took me a bit to get into but i did end up enjoying the story, especially the evolution (and eventual downfall) of the main characters relationships, but overall not one i think about much.

32. worry by alexandra tanner (3 stars)

wrote in my review “these literally felt like simulation people”. i honestly remember nothing about this book.

33. pineapple street by jenny jackson (4 stars)

this was mostly a story about rich people behaving badly (and stupidly) but also about being in love and breaking the cycle. some of the characters actions did feel a little unrealistic at times but overall it was pretty fun and engaging. i also really enjoyed the new york setting and scenery.

34. the berry pickers by amanda peters (4.25 stars)

read this book in two sittings while screaming “you are ruthie!!!!” and “omg!!!!”

a little slow at times but so, so good and this is one of the rare instances where i am begging for a movie adaptation.

35. the reappearance of rachel price by holly jackson (3 stars)

not only was this totally bonkers but it was sooo long for a young adult thriller. for these reasons, i’m out.

36. i could live here forever by hanna halperin (3.75 stars)

another book i picked up completely randomly after hearing exactly zero things about it, and it wasn’t my favorite thing ever, but turns out some parts of it were actually deeply personal and made me sob, so there’s that.

37. how to end a love story by yulin kuang (4 stars)

found out this woman was writing the screenplay for beach read and that’s all i needed to know. (though i actually would really love to know why every other word in this otherwise thoughtful and heartwarming novel was in italics). i thought this was one of the better enemies to lovers couples that i’ve read outside of fantasy because there was a real, true reason for her to hate him. the romance wasn’t to die for but they did have some really sweet and fun moments.

38. before we were innocent by ella berman (4 stars)

female friendship and morally ambiguous characters will do it for me every time, especially when they’re as nuanced and thought provoking as the people and situations in this book were. i really enjoyed the past/present timelines and the mysterious writing style, and i thought there were a lot of great moments of reflection in regard to growing up and being faced with the choices that will ultimately decide who you’re going to be and what kind of space you’re going to take up in the world.

39. anita de monte laughs last by xochitl gonzalez (4 stars)

the precise and distinct voices of the three perspectives are really what made me this book so engaging for me. i thought both of the ‘romances’ in this book were not necessarily anything to root for and instead made for some really interesting social commentary. i thought the supporting cast of characters were fun and added a deeper layer to the main characters. the magical realism/ghost stuff didn’t really do it for me, but no surprise there.

may

reading stats: 9 books, 2,817 pages

top moods: emotional, reflective, tense

top genres: literary, contemporary, thriller

40. the year of magical thinking by joan didion (4.25 stars)

“a single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty”

baby’s first joan didion! this book ripped my heart out and stomped on it. a little dense and repetitive at times with medical jargon and hyper specific times, dates and details but it was apparent that this was wholly for joan didion herself to attempt to verbalize her pain, grief and mourning. definitely want to read more of her work.

41. funny story by emily henry (4.5 stars)

my queen!!! this wasn’t my favorite couple she’s written but i do think it was her funniest book. i loved the setting, the side characters and the library rep. to the girls with daddy (and mommy) issues…..i see you and i love you.

42. the husbands by holly gramazio (2.5 stars)

no thoughts, and no vibes either. unfortunately i really should’ve DNF’d this book, but the cover is pretty!

43. where the crawdads sing by delia owens (4 stars)

alexa play “no body no crime” by taylor swift.

44. what my mother and i don’t talk about: fifteen writers break the silence (4.75 stars)

anything about mother/daughter relationships….please pass me the tissues. this was incredibly vulnerable and touching and my only thought after i put it down was “ouch”

45. thirst for salt by madelaine lucas (4.25 stars)

“there is no end to grief, because there is no end to love”

this was slow and really introspective but the prose and imagery were beautiful. this book felt like pressing on a bruise and that tickle in your throat before you start to cry.

46. circe by madeline miller (5 stars)

perfect book, no notes. circe, absolute queen, you will ALWAYS be famous.

47. the push by ashley audrain (4 stars)

this was a super unique (and by unique i actually mean insane) take on motherhood. i really liked the narrative style of this and there was this kind of dreadfully ominous feeling throughout the book that kept me on the edge of my seat.

48. the guest by emma cline (3.5 stars)

the writing in this book was engaging and fast paced, but the entire thing had a general feeling of filth and unease that simultaneously stressed me out and forced me to keep going. even though i mostly understood the choice to not include any backstory and leave everything so open and ambiguous, it still got to be a bit annoying. i liked reading the author interview afterwards although it cleared absolutely nothing up.

june

reading stats: 7 books, 2,961 pages

top moods: emotional, hopeful, funny

top genres: contemporary, romance, literary

49. the marriage portrait by maggie o’farrell (2.75 stars)

the writing in this book was really pretty and felt very timely but it was so slow and sluggish to get through at times which really took me out of the story and made me start skimming through certain parts. the concept was really interesting but overall just not for me. another instance where i probably should’ve just DNF’d.

50. ready or not by cara bastone (4.5 stars)

this was a perfect example of a booking finding me at the right time because my emotions were ruined and i cried at the end. the triple threat of “hi i’m your mom”, “she had red hair” and “i’ve been blinked into existence, grown and protected by those who love me” destroyed me. the main character’s inner monologue was a bit too quirky at times and i would’ve liked just a bit more closure with some of her relationships but overall this was so sweet and heartwarming and funny.

51. ariadne by jennifer saint (4 stars)

was chasing the high of circe when i picked this up and it didn’t quite measure up, but i had a good time. the lore is honestly just so entertaining, and at times really emotional, even if you don’t know that much about it.

52. not in love by ali hazelwood (4.5 stars)

are we sensing a theme here? she wasn’t my number one author this year for no reason. the spice scenes in this book were very, very generous which isn’t really my thing but i enjoyed the rest of the plot and the characters so much that i was able to skip over / overlook them. the childhood trauma touched my heart and itched my brain in the most heartbreaking and wonderful way. ali hazelwood, thank you so much.

53. just for the summer by abby jimenez (3.5 stars)

the main themes of mental health and trauma in this book, while handled with care, felt like a bunch of dumping and moving right along which made me lack a lot of sympathy for the main character. there were some cute lines/moments within in the romance and i did warm up to them as a couple more by the end. my favorite parts were the easter eggs and nudges to the first two books in this interconnected series which just reminded me how much i loved those.

54. apples never fall by liane moriarty (4.5 stars)

shoutout to my aunt gayle who talked my ear off about liane moriarty until i finally picked this book up. the dialogue/character interaction, multiple point of views and dual timelines made this reading experience so immersive and captivating. i really enjoyed the suspense and family saga of it all (duh) and i don’t even like tennis but i was glued to the page.

55. swan song by elin hilderbrand (4.5 stars)

my other queen!!! this was the last installment of her nantucket novels and the ending made me so :’) such lush and rich description, perfect scene setting and fun, fleshed out, laugh out loud characters. making it my life’s mission to catch up on the rest of her backlog.

july

reading stats: 10 books, 3,581 pages

top moods: emotional, lighthearted, funny

top genres: romance, contemporary, literary

56. wild love by elsie silver (4 stars)

“i broke every speed limit to get you” !!!!!! this was a very cheesy but extremely cute small town, single dad romance novel. that’s all.

57. the ministry of time by kaliane bradley (4.25 stars)

the way i screamed when she said “being in love is a form of blunt-force trauma. i was concussed with love for him”. some of the sci-fi/time travel elements were a bit confusing but i loved the dreamy writing and ambitious plot. this felt like one of those books i could reread and get something new out of each time. incredibly imaginative, witty and tender.

58. a novel love story by ashley poston (3.75 stars)

this was such a fun concept and a really cozy and sweet read. poston’s writing was engaging as usual and i enjoyed all the different storylines and personalities we were introduced to, but for me the romance felt super disingenuous and just unnecessary. i would’ve felt more connected if this were a literary/women’s fiction book with more of a focus on the main character’s self discovery journey.

59. love interest by clare gilmore (5 stars)

this was my most unexpected five star read maybe ever and i think it was just another case of right book, right time. the main character wasn’t even that similar to me but something about her inner monologue, her fears and insecurities and decision making process (and then how she grew from it! her character arc!) really spoke to me. and the romance. please. when i wrote “screaming, crying, throwing up” in my review i meant that.

60. summer fridays by suzanne rindell (4 stars)

i know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover but hello, she’s gorgeous. this book gave me so much emotional whiplash. it was hard to root for any of the relationships because they were all a little problematic and questionable. that said, there was still so much to enjoy about this book. the new york city backdrop was really special and atmospheric, i loved the discourse on the publishing industry, and i thought the instant messenger/dial up internet/2000s setting of it all was really fun and cute.

61. summer romance by annabel monaghan (4.5 stars)

this was a very warm and cozy story while still packing an emotional punch. there were a lot of beautiful discussions around grief and motherhood and being capable of ‘starting over’ even after you think you’ve hit your peak in life. i really like monaghan’s writing style; simple but profound and lots of small details that really add to the storytelling.

62. the summer pact by emily giffin (2.75 stars)

can you tell i was in a summery mood? the premise of this book sounded really interesting but this really missed the mark for me. there seemed to be no real depth, especially regarding the tragedy in the beginning of the book, the dialogue felt stilted and overall i just found myself not really caring about the characters’ journeys. another stunning cover though.

63. savor it by tarah dewitt (4.5 stars)

the plot in this book was a little underdeveloped but i enjoyed reading about the characters so much that it didn’t bother me. i loved the small town dynamic, the farm/animals, the self discovery journeys, the bits of tension and banter, the food! really funny, thoughtful and heartwarming.

64. summers at the saint by mary kay andrews (4 stars)

this was kind of dense and a little overwhelming in the beginning with the amount of character intros and storylines but i enjoyed seeing how everything came together. it was a fun little summer mystery. really reminiscent of elin hilderbrand which of course i loved.

65. the rom-commers by katherine center (4.25 stars)

the actual romance in this book didn’t do much for me because the guy read as a little childish and just meh to me (but that speech at the end……yeah). the main character was so sweet and kind and silly and i really enjoyed her point of view and seeing her growth throughout the book. i loved the deeper discussions around sisterhood, independence, loss and the many kinds of love.

august

reading stats: 8 books, 2,876 pages

top moods: emotional, adventurous, tense

top genres: contemporary, dystopian, young adult

66. this summer will be different by carley fortune (4.25 stars)

the beginning of this was a bit slow and the third act conflict felt a little cheap but overall i really enjoyed this. the love interest was really sweet and i loved that he had his own fully realized story outside of the romance. i also appreciated the more personal and intimate storylines about friendship and grief and following your dreams. the setting descriptions and attention to detail were also stunning.

67. the lost story by meg shaffer (4 stars)

this was whimsical and charming but overall didn’t measure up to the wishing game for me, which was one of my favorite reads from 2023. the narrative voice and structure were really fun but the pacing was a little weird which led to storylines not intertwining very neatly and the fantastical elements falling a little short. i liked the relationship/family dynamics a lot and this did make me wanna watch the narnia movies so points for that.

68. remarkably bright creatures by shelby van pelt (4 stars)

this was a really sweet and wholesome story. a little slow at times but everything came together perfectly (and i’m not gonna lie i was really worried for our guy marcellus there for a while)

69. this used to be us by renee carlino (3.5 stars)

i think ultimately i just wasn’t the target audience for this. i did really enjoy the parts about the main character being a writer and learning about that part of her life, and i thought the kids were so brilliant and funny. the writing style wasn’t my favorite and i just found the couple, together and separately, to be a little childish. the ending was also a massive let down for me.

70. happiness falls by angie kim (4.75 stars)

all i said in my review was “no one talk to me i need at least 5-7 business days to process this” and yeah i’m still processing. a super unique and very distinctively written family drama / mystery.

71. the hunger games by suzanne collins (4.5 stars)

reading this book for the first time as an adult was insane. it’s difficult to call a book like this “good” (although i understand the modern classic takes) or say that i “loved” it because it is horrifying and heartbreaking but there’s also such a deep love and longing and ache for humanity between the characters and throughout the story. this hurt my heart. (also, peeta!!! <3)

72. catching fire by suzanne collins (5 stars)

when peeta said “you’re my whole life i would never be happy again” i felt that. i will never stop thinking about this book.

73. mockingjay by suzanne collins (4.5 stars)

finishing this book felt like my heart being ripped from my chest and run over multiple times, and no i’m not being dramatic. (you love me real or not real??? iconic)

september

reading stats: 6 books, 2,730 pages

top moods: emotional, reflective, hopeful

top genres: literary, historical, classics

74. a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith (4.25 stars)

a little sleepy through the middle but overall an incredibly touching and timeless story about love and family and growing up. teared up a few times and underlined so many stunning lines. ily francie!!

75. slow dance by rainbow rowell (4.75 stars)

i do think a bit of nostalgia was driving my feelings while reading this book because rowell’s writing style is very particular and familiar, but i really loved it. the characters felt extremely empathetic and all of their interactions were filled with so much longing and love.

76. lessons in chemistry by bonnie garmus (4.5 stars)

women in stem!!!

but actually this was a super frustrating and sad yet inspiring read. the characters were written so intimately and personally and the story was crafted with so much care. i really, really enjoyed this and i really want to watch the show.

77. somewhere beyond the sea by tj klune (2.75 stars)

unfortunately this was just not really what i was hoping for from the sequel to this world and story (furthermore, does everything need a sequel?) it felt really self indulgent rather than character focused which i think did a disservice to the storytelling. the kids, of course, were so sweet and funny and smart. just not for me.

78. same as it ever was by claire lombardo (3.75 stars)

this is a novel and story that really felt like work to get through and for me personally i’m not sure if the payoff was worth it. it was long and slow and clunky and there was a couple times where i considered putting it down and moving on. many of the characters in this book are unlikeable and icky and whiny, or boring or too nice or two-faced or ungrateful, which yeah that was kind of the point, and yeah life is like that. overall this was a really personal take on motherhood, love, mental health, and living a life you feel like you’re supposed to be proud of but feel disconnected from.

79. real americans by rachel khong (5 stars)

i think this was my favorite book of the year. i really loved the multi-generational family saga and i thought the interconnecting storylines were filled with so much hope and depth. the writing style was gorgeous and the vignette style scattered throughout really lended to the mystique and dreaminess of the story. there were so many important themes and discussions that were touched on and woven into these characters. it was all so well constructed and thought provoking. this is a book i could read again and again and go on about forever. brilliant and beautiful and heart wrenching. 6 stars <3

october

reading stats: 5 books, 2,580 pages

top moods: funny, emotional, lighthearted

top genres: romance, contemporary, literary

80. wild eyes by elsie silver (4 stars)

yet another very cheesy but cute small town, single dad romance. nothing crazy but these books are entertaining and great palette cleansers.

81. the husband’s secret by liane moriarty (3 stars)

not super compelling and really not that much depth (especially when compared with apples never fall) but just interesting enough to make me stay until the end. i would’ve liked a little more mystery and a little more closure, given how everybody’s storylines were so intertwined, but i did appreciate the futuristic ‘what if’ epilogue.

82. the ex vows by jessica joyce (4.75 stars)

i fear second chance romance has claimed a place on my trope pyramid and a place in my heart. this was so warm and soft and sweet. i really enjoyed the backdrop and scenery of the winery, and i loved the different discussions around the concept of ‘home’ and what it meant to each of the characters, and i loved the delicate and extremely realistic depiction of anxiety/mental health and how it manifests in life and love, and i loved the depth and history and growth and ‘i would do anything for you’ type of love shown in these relationships. did i just convince myself this is actually five stars?

83. emily wilde’s encyclopedia of faeries by heather fawcett (4 stars)

not me giggling and kicking my feet over a lazy, morally grey, golden haired faerie king!!! i think the plot got a little cluttered and carried away at times and i didn’t love it enough to continue the series, but it was a fun time.

84. the unwilding by marina kemp (5 stars)

i loved the exploration of parent/child/sibling relationships in this book, especially the idea of your parents existing entirely separate from you and from your siblings, having grown up with entirely different experiences, and digging into the past to find a version that delivers what you think you’ve been missing. i thought the storytelling was incredibly immersive, i loved the three different parts and how they so neatly slotted together, and the prose was so striking. this made me feel oddly homesick and melancholy and hopeful in a way that made me want to give my mother a hug.

november

reading stats: 10 books, 4,118 pages

top moods: funny, lighthearted, emotional

top genres: romance, contemporary, fantasy

85. my roommate is a vampire by jenna levine (1 star)

the only, and i mean only, good thing about reading this was buddy reading it with bestie katie.

86. one-star romance by laura hankin (3 stars)

you’re telling me that these people who actually have nothing in common and have only interacted a handful of times are suddenly in love after eight years??? it was really difficult to feel any sort of emotional connection to the main characters, especially the girl, when they kept making such poor decisions. i did really enjoy the secondary couple’s storyline a lot and thought they were really sweet.

87. nothing like the movies by lynn painter (3.25 stars)

throwback to not everything needing a sequel!!! my favorite young adult couple ruined. my biggest qualm was that there seemed to to be no growth or maturity in their characters despite going through situations that would’ve warranted it. it also felt very repetitive but also like nothing at all was happening. there were some entertaining and cute moments but overall just not what i was i was expecting or wanting.

88. perfect fit by clare gilmore (4.5 stars)

the way clare gilmore writes a pining, lovestruck man needs to be studied because why was i blushing and covering my face while reading this in my workplace??! really, really sweet and funny and touched on some important issues about self love and friendship and being a twenty-something just trying to figure it out.

89. when the world tips over by jandy nelson (no rating)

*deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

buddy read this with bestie katie and spent the entire night literally screaming and laughing and crying on my couch.

90. the night ends with fire by k.x song (4 stars)

mulan is my favorite disney movie so i was so excited when i heard about this book. the girl was kinda crazy, not gonna lie, but the fighting and magic and (very) complicated family dynamics and war politics and the whole underlying theme of ‘i deserve more, i can be anything i want to be’ made for a really fun and fascinating read. plus the lil enemies to lovers vibe near the end was lowkey sooo good. so excited for the sequel.

91. 11/22/63 by stephen king (4.75 stars)

sorry but why did nobody tell me this was lowkey a romance novel??? i was not expecting to be so emotionally invested in this but the complexity in the storylines and depth of the relationships were so good. this was so close to being five stars but they did my girl sadie so wrong, although i guess technically it still is a ‘happy’ ending. really, really loved this.

92. blue sisters by coco mellors (4 stars)

there is nothing in the world quite like the uniquely beautiful and messy and ‘i’m gonna kill you but i would also die for you’ love of sisterhood. i really enjoyed the discussions around grief and addiction and feeling so lost and so misunderstood but being able to find a way to believe that it’ll all be okay anyway.

93. the pumpkin spice cafe by laurie gilmore (3 stars)

would’ve loved more descriptions of this very small and quaint town and a smidge more depth in the characters/relationships, but overall a cozy seasonal read! bonus points for the cute cover.

94. half a soul by olivia atwater (3.75 stars)

i thought the main character was really witty and endearing, and i loved the exploration of her emotional depth (or lack thereof). i really enjoyed the banter and the understanding and compassion she and the love interest had with one another. i do feel like the pacing was a little too fast at times and the epilogue felt unnecessary, but overall really whimsical and fun.

december

reading stats: 7 books, 3,233 pages

top moods: emotional, mysterious, sad

top genres: romance, contemporary, mystery

95. breaking the dark by lisa jewell (4 stars)

came for the marvel storyline, stayed for the unresolved trauma and crumbs of romance and weird vampire mystery. some of the dialogue and social situations felt a little silly but overall this was really engaging, and i love the way lisa jewell tells a story.

96. shark heart by emily habeck (5 stars)

a silly little book about a man turning into a shark but it’s actually an incredibly emotionally dense and devastating exploration of loss and grief and marriage and motherhood and dreams and memories and pain and friendship and forgiveness and the fragile line between life and death. the writing and narration styles really added to the uniqueness and intimacy of the story. this will be living in my head rent free possibly forever.

97. manacled by senlinyu (5 stars)

there are truly no words in the english language to talk about this book or what it was like to read it. dramione i love you forever.

98. the girl he used to know by tracey garvis graves (3.75 stars)

i was deep in the trenches of an emotional comedown when i picked this up and it was a great palette cleanser. very fast paced and straightforward storyline. some of the dialogue felt a little sterile at times and i felt there could be some more personality and life given to the characters but overall i really wasn’t judging this too harshly because it did exactly what it needed to do for me.

99. magic hour by kristin hannah (4 stars)

i could’ve done without the romance in this but overall it was a really gripping and atmospheric story and i’m so glad the main character got her happy ending.

100. a man called ove by fredrik backman (4.25 stars)

this was found family at its best. made me miss my grandpa and cry (a lot)

101. the most wonderful crime of the year by ally carter (4.25 stars)

really enjoyed this! it was full christmas mystery vibes while still being really emotional and funny. perfect book to end the year with.

if you made it to the end of this, i love you, and thank you so much for reading! happy new year <3

xo zara

i started a new job. it’s a strange but not unfamiliar feeling, starting over. i imagine i’ll never run out of opportunities to be the new girl, the outsider, the small fish in a big pond. i think it’s comforting, though, to know that what follows is a chance for friendship and community and endless things to learn. a fresh perspective. i wear business professional clothes and have my own desk and computer with sticky notes and folders and chapstick and granola bars scattered around. i park in the same spot everyday. i say good morning and laugh and tell jokes and show pictures of our house or something funny i saw online to the same group of women everyday. i’m learning, feeling challenged, taking on new responsibilities. it’s the first time i’ve felt any resonance to the word ‘career’ in my life. i feel so happy to be alive, to be here.

when i turned twenty-six i finally started to feel a little less like time was constantly lurking over my shoulder, ready to attack. a little less like i was losing something by growing up and moving forward, and a little more like i had so much yet to experience and that there was nothing to feel held back by or to be afraid of. we stayed in a bed and breakfast up north. there were flowers and sunshine and water all around. we ate breakfast at a cafe that had board games on all the tables and laughed when we didn’t know any of the answers to the trivia questions. we went to wineries and walked around gift shops and had ice cream and watched movies and played mini golf and walked along a little stretch of beach with our toes in the freezing cold water. we whispered ‘i love you’ to each other every second of everyday. i felt so happy to be alive, to be there.

it’s 8:04am. i’m sitting by the patio door watching the snow fold a crisp white blanket over the trees, the chairs, the little swing set way back by the woods. it’s quiet and the christmas tree lights are reflecting in the windows. it’s been on my mind and in my heart work on (seriously) expressing more gratitude. for every little thing. the seemingly insignificant things that actually make my life better or brighter or bigger in some way. waking up, having a warm bed, taking a shower every morning. eating breakfast, drinking coffee, listening to music or a podcast while getting ready. my six minute commute to work, my coworkers, my manageable hours, even having a job at all. comfy clothes after work, cooking dinner, telling stories about our days, watching our favorite shows. reading before bed. falling asleep next to the person i love.

thank you God, everyday, for this life. i feel so blessed to be alive, to be here.

xo zara

xo zara

we met on twitter during my chronically online middle school days. i don’t remember much about the beginning, all i know is i woke up one day and we were best friends. we texted all day long, we facetimed after school, we told each other secrets and made each other laugh and introduced each other to important people in our lives. she was a year younger than me so while she finished her senior year of high school and i took people’s orders at burger king, we started to make a plan. we had yet to meet in person. her family was going on a trip to tennessee and they invited me to meet them there and spend the week with them. i didn’t have much money so i begged (and begged and begged) my mom for help and she booked my plane tickets. we were so excited. when the time came, my flight was cancelled because of the weather. we cried on the phone together because we were young and dramatic and we thought everything was ruined. i booked a new flight for a few days later and they picked me up in nashville. it was so awkward. we had no idea how to talk to each other without a screen between us. we had a long car ride and spent the first half of it side-eyeing each other and trying to smile and ignore how weird it was. eventually we got over ourselves and then couldn’t shut up. we had so much fun together watching random reality tv, eating mini muffins as a midnight snack, sitting on the balcony and talking about how unreal it was to finally be together in person. a couple months ago, a facebook memory came up of this trip. it was a selfie we took at this little market we went to. we had snowflakes in our hair and smiles on our faces. by the end of the trip, the plan was fully formed: we were going to live together. that was seven years ago and everything has changed.

when i arrived in georgia, my first thought was that it was so bright and so hot. the second was that i couldn’t believe i was about to live somewhere with a pool ten feet away from the front door. the third was that i missed my mom. the first couple of weeks were everything i dreamed of. we swam in the pool, we watched tv, we drove around, we had fun ‘family’ dinners. later we even went on trips to the beach and mountains and disneyworld. but it was just that: a dream. it didn’t take long to realize how out of my depth i was, how everything would change once i realized i had no solutions for any of the challenges i was about to face. i kept thinking that my family didn’t go on vacations. i never had a room with two closets and a tv mounted on the wall and my own bathroom. i didn’t have a car or a pool or a dog or a credit card connected to my parents bank account. i was seething with jealousy, overwhelmed with gratitude, drowning in homesickness and confused about how all of these feelings could live inside of me at once. none of that was her fault of course, but that didn’t stop me from feeling attacked or betrayed in some way. i felt much younger and more naive than just nineteen. i felt like a toddler, learning how to walk again. i had to find a job and buy a car and pay rent and buy my own groceries for the first time in my life. her parents were encouraging and supportive; they helped me buy a car, they bought me christmas gifts, they added me to their family group chat. they eased my transition and stood by my side. it felt good and safe, but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

we both found jobs, though they weren’t that great. they were seasonal and far away and didn’t pay much but it felt like a step in the right direction. we spent several months decorating our new space and cooking meals together and basking in the glory of Being Adults. we had birthday parties for each other, we we had movie marathons, we made each other laugh like we were still in middle school. still, there was an all caps, bold, underlined warning label constantly in the room with us: this was all hers. she was an only child, not used to sharing. i was her best friend, yes, but still an intruder. underneath it all, a quiet but steady hum of homesickness lived inside me. sometime early in the next year we ended up at the same job. (this marked the beginning of the end, though we ignored it and held it off for as long as we could). we weren’t just friends and roommates, we were coworkers too. the way we communicated and interacted with each other started to change. we were petty, sending each other texts about eating the last of something or not cleaning up. at work, we were bossy and flippant. we never really confronted each other, we were too proud for that. we were young and we thought the annoyance radiating off of us was enough, that we could avoid a real conversation. (it wasn’t. we couldn’t.) our dynamic became a delicate balancing act of dancing around each others feelings and never saying what we really meant.

we were harsh and mean and fake towards each other. we went days without talking and gossiped about each other. she thought i was ungrateful and i thought she was entitled. still, we always came back to each other. at the time i was just starting to feel like a grown up. i was no longer a teen, i had been away from home for nearly two years, i thought i was starting to figure things out. i didn’t think people who called each other their best friend could sustain such a volatile relationship, but i had seen a lot of contradictory behavior between loved ones in my life. i thought i had to stay there, that i owed it to her and her parents, and maybe to myself. i never thought about the possibility of leaving or even that the choice was available to me. whenever things went back to being good, we never talked about when things were bad. we went back to laughing and going out for lunch and lounging by the pool. it was like hitting a reset button. later in the fall, i enrolled in college. i had thought about going for a while but never really thought it was something i was able to accomplish. (i was really good at living in denial.) i spent the day with a few other girls walking around campus during orientation and while i felt a sense of belonging, there was also a scarily similar feeling to the one i felt when i first moved: that i was in over my head. we saw each other through job changes, relationships, school, mental health, everything. and yet, we were constantly in the middle of a fight. she didn’t like that i had other friends or that i made different decisions than her. i didn’t like her passive aggressiveness or feeling like i always had to check in with her. we said horrible things to each other. we were falling further and further apart.

a year later, she told me she thought it was best for us if i lived on campus. i knew things weren’t good between us. i was still commuting and working full time so in a way, it made sense. she didn’t seem to understand how expensive that would be for me (my student loans are laughing in my face as i type this), but it was convenient for her so that’s what happened. three uniquely beautiful things happened as a result of this: a new lifelong friendship blossomed, i met a boy, and i finally started believing in myself. after move in day, we stayed close for a while but soon after, we disagreed about something and went months without seeing or speaking to each other. it was easy with me being away. i was sad and i found myself missing her, but i didn’t do anything about it. i didn’t want to give her that power when she already seemed to have so much of it. i focused on school and fostered my other friendships and things were good. in mid-november, before thanksgiving break, i started having car trouble. it had been on and off for a while but then the battery died. her parents were out of town so i sent her a text. i didn’t know what would happen or if she would even reply, but she did. she came to get me. neither of us apologized because that wasn’t part of the game. we pushed it under the rug and moved forward; the rotten core of our friendship. i spent thanksgiving break with her and family, like any other holiday, and it was almost as if nothing had changed. i went back to campus afterwards but we kept in touch this time and we’d spend the weekends together in the pool house. it was that easy to hit the reset button and fall back together.

then 2020 happened. we were on a spring break trip in florida when we first started hearing the news, when i first heard the word ‘quarantine’. on the second to last day of the trip, my school sent an email saying we’d have to sign up for a time to come pack up our rooms and leave it all behind. everything would be online now. in many ways it felt like a giant step backwards, but it seemed like our friendship was in a better place so i tried not to worry about it. the next several months were spent in what felt like a replica of the beginning, or a do over maybe. the laughing and movies and swimming and cooking and talking and late nights. we acknowledged the stuff from before, from when we weren’t speaking. we talked about what we’d been doing, how classes and dorm life were, how work was going. i told her about the boy i met. (this, ultimately, was our breaking point. the big, unavoidable one.) one night at the beginning of summer we were up late, talking on the porch. we started talking about the future and what was next for us. i was twenty-one at this point. what did i want? we got on the topic of moving out of her parents backyard, finding a place for us. admittedly, i still wasn’t making a lot of money but my bills were cheap and i had a bit of savings. the idea took on a life of its own and we almost immediately started making a plan. a do over, indeed.

we were going to buy a house together. (every time i think about this, i’m reminded of what a miraculously stupid idea it was.) everything started happening really fast. we talked to a lender, we met with a realtor, we went on house tours, but something wasn’t right. i wasn’t in the group chat with them and we agreed on almost nothing and there was this feeling in my stomach and my chest, screaming at me. in the middle of summer i got a text from her one day saying we were taking a break from going on tours. she said it like she was in charge, like this was her project, like she was the boss. and she was. that was the revelation: she was the boss of everything. my entire friendship with her was contingent on what she wanted, what she felt comfortable with, what was most suitable for her. it was all hers. the giant sign, right in front of my face. of course, that wasn’t what she really meant, ‘we’. she meant that i wasn’t going on tours anymore. she was, and she found a house, and she was going to buy it all on her own. it all felt so unfair. she told me about it a few weeks before she was due to close and move in. she had the audacity to tell me i could still move in with her. i had the audacity to say yes.

i kept seeing the boy (who i’m now married to), which caused the biggest fight of our friendship. after all, it was our breaking point. he slept over a lot and she didn’t like him so that was enough ammunition for her. we were extremely passive aggressive with each other. we hardly spoke to each other in person despite living in the same house. we decidedly and deliberately played no part in each others lives anymore. it lasted a year. it was a slow, painful death; there was no stopping it. i think it was easy to let this take the fall instead of owning up to the inevitable truth: we were not good friends to each other or for each other. we were the worst versions of ourselves around each other; making cutting remarks, talking badly behind each others backs, rubbing things in each others faces. there was a clear divide between us and we couldn’t break the barrier. more than that, we didn’t want to. we were simply incompatible. there were good memories, moments of honesty and care, but they didn’t undo the pain we caused each other. they couldn’t outrun our ending. we put a bandaid over it all for so long; there was only so much patching up we could do. that august, after a year of living in silence, i left my house key on the coffee table and had my own move in day with my boyfriend. the rest of my life began.

i wish i could go back and tell my younger self how brave she was. i would tell her that she’s strong and resilient. i would tell her that it’s okay to stand up for herself and speak her mind. i would tell her to trust herself. i would remind her to be present and grateful and remember what it was like to stand in front of the ocean. i would tell her to say thank you more. i would tell her to call home more. i would remind her what being a friend looks like, what having a friend feels like. i would tell her to be kind to herself. i would remind her how impossibly young she is, that nobody has it figured out, that she’s not too late, that there’s no rush, that she can change her life any time she wants to because she already did it once. i would tell her to get up and try again.

xo zara

sometime last year when i was still seeing my old therapist she asked me a question: “can you recall the first time you ever felt anxious?” i still think about this a lot. the truth, which i’ve had a lot of time to reconcile with, is that i can’t remember not feeling this way. at the time, though i told her the first memory that came to mind: starting middle school. somehow going from sixth grade to seventh grade felt like the end of something rather than the beginning. i had an irrational fear of becoming invisible and being left behind. i was terrified of all the things i didn’t know. bigger school, more people, harder classes. it’s pretty easy (hindsight and all) to figure out that these feelings stemmed directly from my childhood home life. where i was constantly on high alert, full of nervous energy, always a minute away from tipping over the edge. tapping my hand against my leg, my leg against the floor, swaying back and forth, home from school with a perpetual stomach ache. i lived inside my head, drowning in overthinking and self soothing. what kind of mood is mom in today? is dad coming home? wait, we’re moving again? it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. i had a really hard time adjusting to change, which was inconvenient, because my life was rarely ever calm or stable. when i finally got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, as an adult with years of anxiety attacks and imposter syndrome and stomach aches and hating speaking in crowds and crying over punctuation in a text from someone important to me, it made sense to me in a way that felt oddly comforting. it felt like i finally had answers for all these things that felt “wrong” about me. it didn’t change my life, because i knew, but it made me want to live my life a little differently. it made me want to be kinder to myself, and more honest. it made me want to open up and talk about it more. it made me want to love those around me better.

my substack drafts are a wasteland. the beginning of essays and musings and sporadic thoughts that are sitting around collecting dust, begging me to do something with them. lately writing has felt like pulling teeth. when i sit down in front of my computer screen, i stare at the cursor and feel as blank as the page. i have things to say, topics i want to explore, conversations i want to be a part of, so why can’t i spit anything out? why can’t my brain just for once be on my side? i realized i was attaching these strict, arbitrary rules to my writing and being really hard on myself. ‘if you don’t spend at least two hours writing on your days off, you’re lazy. if you don’t post anything for more than two weeks, you’re a failure. this doesn’t sound right. that’s not how it’s supposed to be.’ and on and on. life is just…not like that. nothing is perfect. i am not going to love my writing all the time, i am not always going to be eloquent or perfectly understood, and there is no room for punishment when those things happen. there’s just me, showing up for myself, doing what feels right and authentic to me. i started this blog to prove to myself that i could. to practice and get better at writing, to share parts of myself and my heart with the world, to have an outlet. if i try forcing it and twisting this thing i love into something ugly, i lose it all. there are no rules and i have to remind myself of this everyday. i’m proud of myself and i have to remind myself of this everyday.

thank you for reading,

xo zara

Subscribe now

I spent a lot of time in front of screens and on the internet when I was growing up. I begged my parents for a phone in sixth grade because I was obsessed with the idea of texting. It was one of the ones you turn sideways and slide up to reveal the keyboard. I was only allowed a certain number of texts per month and I always used them up right away. Eventually, like most things when you’re a kid, it was tossed away and forgotten about for the next thing.

We got a desktop computer in our living room that I spent hours on. I watched Hannah Montana music videos on YouTube and played Webkinz and Club Penguin. I created my first Facebook profile. The Christmas of my seventh grade year, my favorite Christmas, I got my iPod touch. I realized there was a whole world out there. I discovered Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr and proceeded to make accounts and profiles on anything I could. I even downloaded a texting app. I was rarely seen without my iPod glued to my hand.

I was very unselfconscious on these platforms; I didn’t see any harm in taking up space online, in stating my opinions or posting selfies or talking to people. I made a lot of “internet friends” which now isn’t a crazy thing to say, but back then, when I was thirteen years old, it was a little alarming. These girls, who lived hours and hours away from me, became my real friends. We messaged all day which eventually turned into FaceTime calls. We knew intimate details about each other’s lives; what the inside of each others bedrooms looked like and what our family members names were. (One of these girls became my best friend, who I met in real life and years later ended up moving across the country to be roommates with. This mostly ended in disaster and was a very full circle lesson for me. But that’s a story for another time).

In retrospect my attachment to the internet and the sense of validation that came along with it wasn’t very healthy or productive (which is a feeling that would come back to haunt me) but I was a budding teenager and I was having fun. I had a Taylor Swift fan account and I posted photos of almost anything; myself, my friends, my writing, my bedroom, my neighborhood park, my childhood dogs. I felt seen and heard and a part of something in a way I didn’t in real life, which allowed me to look past the other ways the internet was affecting me. Soon my beat up iPod was replaced with a pink iPhone and all of my chronic online behavior seemed to magnify. Still, I didn’t think much of it, or more accurately, I ignored it. This continued for years.

By the time Tik Tok came around, I had ditched Instagram a few times already, going through vicious cycles of deleting and redownloading the app. Even though I hadn’t posted anything since early high school and it wasn’t even a means of socialization for me, I couldn’t fully let it go. I still regularly used Twitter and Facebook, scrolled on Tumblr, and I watched YouTube everyday (admittedly, I still do this). When I think back on this now, it makes me sad. I was incapable of being alone. I craved stimulation and interaction all the time.

I didn’t download Tik Tok right away which at the time felt like my greatest exercise in self control. It only took a couple of weeks, though, for that familiar feeling to come creeping back, and I started scrolling. And scrolling and scrolling. A year later, after discovering BookTok, I started posting my own videos. Book hauls and reviews and mini vlogs. This felt a little bit like reclaiming control of this thing that had seemingly taken over my life. I eventually ended up redownloading Instagram and making a new account for books and for content, telling myself it wouldn’t get bad and it would be fun. It reminded me of my early days on the internet. And it cured my insatiable need to be included. For a while, at least.

It took a long time, years, for me to confront my relationship with the internet and social media. It felt safe, like a security blanket, and the idea of my life without it seemed empty and boring, so I never considered it. I would mindlessly scroll and lose hours of my day. I would have brain fog from overstimulation and consuming useless information. I would subject myself to videos and photos of girls who didn’t look like me, who didn’t live the same life as me, getting ready or going shopping, and fall into a pit of insecurity. My screen time was 10 hours a day. Finally it got to a point where I felt horrible every time I picked up my phone. I kept thinking, this can’t be good for me, this can’t be healthy, and it wasn’t.

I tortured myself with thoughts of wanting to feel included and involved and in the know. Really, I was just making excuses for my obsessive behavior. The habit of scrolling and seeing what everyone was doing, of following along with all the trends and new products, was so deeply ingrained in me. It was so normal. It also made me feel like shit. It never seemed to cross my mind that I could simply stop, that I didn’t have to feel that way all the time. There was no reason I couldn’t detach myself from those apps and find more fulfilling ways to spend my time, except for the fact that up until that point, I didn’t want to.

I deleted Tik Tok last year (I redownloaded it during my Harry Potter phase for the edits). Sometimes I still get the itch to scroll and I’ll go on Pinterest or pick up a book. Or I’ll go on Facebook but it’s pretty boring over there. I kept Instagram for a while and continued posting some content. I put app limits on my phone and that helped. I read 100 books last year and that really helped. After the start of the new year, I deleted Instagram, too. Social media isn’t inherently evil; it’s what you make of it. A lot of people use Tik Tok as a search engine and it’s really useful for them. They use it to find new recipes or books to read. There are healthy ways to exist on these platforms. I just couldn’t seem to find a way to do it.

I had to be honest with myself about why I was there and what I was getting out of it. For me, the bad outweighed the good. That’s not to say that I’m done with social media forever; life changes all the time. People grow and evolve and change their minds all the time. But right now, this is what works for me. This is what helps me stay present and be mindful of how I spend my time. I don’t need to know what everyone is doing every second of the day. I don’t feel an overwhelming need to take up space online anymore. (Except here, with my words. Does this count?)

As always, thank you for reading. I’m so grateful for this little corner of the internet. Until next time,

xo Zara