A few days ago I read one of the most moving articles and it made me go completely silent after that. There’s something with that article that sits with me… Like it talked to me and whispered something that could be meaningful in your life, but it can also mean something awful that you carry in your life. The article is from Courtney, 90s Milk, and the title is “my friends don’t know me.”

There’s something I’ve been feeling for a long time but never had the words for. And maybe that’s the most unsettling part. Not the feeling itself. But how long it took to name it.

One line just stopped me:

“Sometimes there’s something lonelier than being alone. It’s being surrounded by people who only know their version of you. Not the true version.”

I sat with that for a long time.

And then I wrote this on Substack Notes: “I am that friend. The one who knows everything. The one who remembers birthdays. The one who notices the little things. And yet somehow I’m also the friend who gets forgotten. My favorite things, my birthday, the things that make me who I am. I wish I could forget everything about them the way they forget about me. But I don’t think I can do that either.”

I’ve been sitting with that note ever since. Those words, warm but warning, are giving me almost the answer to what a good friend really is. Sometimes I do ask: am I not enough to be a good friend? Like, as a human being? That’s the kind of question that sits there in my head for a while.

I’m not angry. It’s more like sad.

There’s a kind of sadness that doesn’t have a name yet. It’s not losing someone. It’s realizing slowly, quietly, that maybe the friendship you thought you had was mostly being held up by you. The room goes dim. The wind gets louder. And all you can hear is your own heartbeat asking, does any of this even matter to them?

It’s almost like they’re there, but they’ve never really been there.

It’s all just transactional, just casual. Maybe to keep their friend list long. But it was never really about you. Just the thought of having you as their friend, but never really wanting to know you as a person.

“The slow realization that there are entire rooms inside of me that some of my friends have never walked into. Not because they’re locked. But because no one’s ever knocked.” - Courtney.

Back in my birthday two years ago, my friends went completely silent. Like no one really remembered. I was like, oh maybe they’re just busy, maybe they forgot. But a month later, another friend had her birthday, and every single one of them reminded me: it’s her birthday tomorrow, what should we buy for her? And I was completely blown away. Like, you forgot my birthday just like that, but you didn’t forget hers? Do I really have to remind my friends that my birthday is coming? No. Of course I wouldn’t do that. But I did cry about it. Alone. Which I think says everything.

It’s never just about forgetting my favorite things, my favorite food, my birthday, etc. It’s bigger than that. Being friends means you have to make effort, the kind of effort that both of you deserve. The effort to actually get to know someone. And it needs to go both ways. In my experience, I’m not going to keep making effort for someone who doesn’t meet me halfway. It’s a waste of my time.

Growing up I learned that there's something so intimate about talking with a friend, really talking, discussing. The more you talk, the more you dig, and it feels like you find treasure in the sand. You find out who they actually are. You find out what they like. You find out everything about them. And all of it, just from talking. Something so simple, but somehow so rare.

I still believe in the kind of friendship where someone knocks. Where someone asks the second question, not just the first. Where someone remembers not because you reminded them, but because they were actually paying attention. I still believe that kind of friendship exists, the one that feels like coming home, the one where you don’t have to perform or shrink or explain yourself.

I haven’t stopped believing in it.

I’m just learning, slowly and a little painfully, that not everyone will knock. Some people are content to stand outside and assume they already know the room. And maybe that’s not cruelty. Maybe that’s just who they are. But it doesn’t make the silence any less loud. It doesn’t make the waiting any less heavy.

So I’m learning to stop holding the door open for people who were never really trying to come in. And I’m learning, still learning, that wanting to be truly known is not asking for too much.

It never was.

And to whoever is reading this and feels seen, good luck. Not the careless kind of good luck, but the kind you say to someone before something that actually matters. Good friendship is out there. It exists. Maybe it hasn’t found you yet, maybe it’s still on its way, but it’s real. Keep being the friend who knocks. Keep being the one who remembers. Don’t let the wrong friendships teach you to stop showing up. The right ones will meet you there. And they will be worth every quiet birthday, every unanswered text, every room you kept open. Easy come, easy go. And what’s meant to stay, will stay… :)

Love, ZD

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Growing up has not been easy for me, being the youngest daughter forced me to grow up faster and emotionally mature because I want my parents to be proud of me but yet it drained me everyday because they always expected me to be just like my older sister. But, I am the way I am, I also wanted to be seen like a “normal” one… Here’s what it feels like to be a youngest daughter:

1. Expected to be strong

   Somehow they expected me to be strong, the truth is there’s a lot of things that I hide from them. Not because I don’t want to talk about it but because I dont want them to worry about me. Everyone thought I was fine because I never made a fuss but it wasn’t like that. I was the one who stayed quiet, kept the peace and held everything in. They didn’t see the version of me that cried alone, felt misunderstood, and just wanted someone to ask if I was okay.

   I learned to hide my emotions, I felt like I didn’t have a voice so I often kept my feelings to myself. It’s just me and my thoughts. Learned to hide my emotions since “she’s too young to understand”. The thing is, I don’t want to make everyone worried about me, I was just the one who made it easier for everyone else, fighting all the battles alone, “I’m okay”, “I’m fine”, “Everything is great”.

   Somehow that made me tough and emotionally strong. To be honest, growing up I found it hard to talk about my emotions. I thought that hiding my emotions is always going to be the best option (in my head), I guess that’s why I don’t talk about my feelings a lot, or even talk about what’s going on in my life or simply like a life updates. Not because I don’t want or like it, but because sometimes my opinions and emotions didn’t really matter all because I am the ‘younger’ one. That’s why it’s so hard for me (somewhat) to open up about how I truly feel.

2. Be the calm in the chaos

   I learned what it is like to be calm in the chaos, the one who holds everyone else together even when she’s falling apart. While the people around me were building the tension, I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, every word I say is measured, every action is calculated to avoid disappointment. I learned in such a young age that speaking up is not always going to be heard (Although speaking up sometimes matters and is important), honestly it’s just hard for me to be open about everything.

   I’m expected to be mature but treated like a child, so I’m just going to adjust myself to keep the pain. Sometimes I’m being way too caring, aware, and an observer of what is going on with the “world”, the fights, the words no one could take back, the slammed doors, etc. It’s hard being too caring about everything, cause now I can’t take that back, I can’t stop being too caring about it. The truth is, just because I’m the youngest, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel deeply, just because I’m the youngest that doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say, just because I’m the youngest that doesn’t mean I can handle everything.

3. Crying silently

   When I had a bad day, people around me were too hard on me just because of something I did, yelling at me, even worse screaming at me. Crying is my coping mechanism, I might seem tough on the outside but truly I’m weaker on the inside, sometimes having a good cry is what I need. But when I cry or am seen crying, they called it overreacting, or when I stay silent I’m called distant or “silent treatment”. I feel like no matter how much I express myself, I’ll always be seen as too sensitive or dramatic.

   Maybe we always portray a younger sibling’s life as “spoiled” and “privileged” but never showing or talking about the struggles and hardships we face. I’m also a human I’m struggling to survive my own life, I just don’t talk about it often that’s why I always taught myself to be okay so no one had to worry, hehe :) I have to stand up for myself no matter how tough it is, having a pep talk that everything is going to be okay, and taking a rest whenever I feel tired.

4. Expected to be the most available one

   Always have to be there when my family needs me, when they need me to help with something, to buy something, to check something on the internet, booking hotel rooms, planning the holiday (making lists of itinerary), booking movie tickets, planning the events, thinking what to wear (like a dresscode), thinking where we should eat, where we should go, what we should watch, and even what we should do.

   It seems like a whole lot of jobs for a single person, but that’s what I do on a daily basis. I have to be available for that no matter how busy I am or when I have a deadline in a few hours, in a few days or in a few weeks. I guess that’s okay, I care deeply, even when I’m exhausted. But, who’s there when I really need them? Or simply when I need some help? I guess I have also to be there for myself.

   Being available doesn’t mean I am always available 24/7, always on the phone when someone needs me, etc. But, truly I showed up for them because I care or should I say I care too much for them, I guess they’ve mistaken me by being ‘The available one’, ‘Helpful’, ‘Handy’. I really want to help them, I do, but I don’t want them to take advantage of me just because I always help them…

Growing up I learned I know everyone else’s stories, I remember birthdays, arguments, family moods, and I do carry little pieces of everyone inside me… But nobody really knows or asks for my story, side, etc. And somehow, people forget you’re carrying anything at all. I want to say whatever you feel or whatever you do, you’re not being too much or not enough, you’re more than enough and I want you to remember that your feelings are valuable and you’re allowed to cry and scream as much as you need… We also deserve the world and much more ;)

Love & HUGS, ZD

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I had panic attacks, cried everyday, isolated myself, until enough was enough. I finally reconnected with myself, got my spark back & came out the other side. Just like everyone else some days I bloom, some days I break, but I’m just a human, I’m still growing & that’s enough.

I always remember that however good or bad a situation is, it will change. Someday it would all disappear & then I realized everything happens for a reason, some things have to end or happen for better things to begin. So I’m letting my emotions break free now. Everything is gonna be all right.

Taking one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, repeat as often as I can to finish. If January me met October me, she wouldn’t believe how many plot twists life has thrown my way this year. From surprises I never saw coming to lessons I never expected to learn, it’s been a crazy ride.

If you’re going through something similar, I want you to know, we’re all on our own journeys & still learning to be the best that we could be. We are all humans anyways—we do have problems to learn from. Learning to face & fix our own problems rather than just running away from them, they’re never going to be fixed if we run away. Whenever we feel tired, we should learn how to rest, not quit.

At the end of the day, baby steps are all we can take. Sometimes we’re not even taking baby steps, sometimes we’re still & that’s all we can do. This is also our first time being humans, & we’re still trying to be the best we can. The best we can do is to appreciate everything we’ve been through and never give up, even when it feels like the only option.

Baby steps are still steps, they can be quiet, small, or unsure. But, no matter what they are, they will move us forward to a fresh start. Starting new isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being responsible & doing it regardless. A single baby step might lead us to gain everything we’ve ever dreamed of or wanted—don’t let that opportunity go for fear of taking one in the first place.

We should celebrate those “baby steps”, everything that happened in our lives, every achievement & every hard works. Everything will happen for a reason, what will happen, will happen in its own time. May everything that has ever stopped us in our lives, that has ever made us tired or feel small, be transformed into lessons & strength.

We want to win, not only in the big things we strive for, but also in the small everyday things that shape who we are. We pray that every effort & prayer we offer finds its way & hopefully we can see this journey again with a calm heart, full of gratitude, & accept every part of ourselves, even the wounded parts.

“If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” - Tim’s Daily Flowers

Have a lovely day everyone!

Love & Hugs, ZD :)💐

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To my beloved women friends, my cousins, my sister, my lovely mother, and to all women around the world :

Happy International Women’s Day! today we celebrate our special day as women. Being a woman is definitely not an easy job for us, this is a day where we celebrate the strength, resilience, and achievement of women around the world.

I am generally still learning what is it like being a women, there are too many things to do to protect ourselves in this wild world, we walk home with keys between our fingers, share our location with family or friends after getting in a car, and text “home safe” like it’s normal - because for us, it is.

We carry the mental load of remembering birthdays, appointments, and what’s in the fridge that needs to be used before it goes bad. Taking care of everything they need, like it’s our job, the thing is we didn’t (and never) sign up for this job ever. But we do care and look up at each other who needs our help.

And sometimes we didn’t get the same feedback, who’s there when we sick? Who’s there when we’re hungry? Who’s there when we need a talk to? Etc. So, is it wrong when we need our time to be alone, is it wrong when we need time to take care of ourselves, I guess they never understand…

None of this are fair, let us honor to the women for raising women standards, for speaking up, lifting up other women along the way, recommit ourselves for to the ongoing fight for gender equality and justice. Thank you so much for everything… Although there’s still a hardship forward but we got each other back :)

For all the my women in my life, thank you for teaching me everything I need, thank you for making me strong, fighting battles every day that others don’t even recognize as warfare. and thank you for empowerment and support even when we don’t really know each other. Here’s to our strength, to our resilience, to our both big achievements and small 🥂♥️

Because being a woman is hard, but being part of this global womanhood? That’s something worth celebrating. Love yaaaa! What’s your thoughts about Intenational Women’s Day? - I’d love to hear your thoughts!

“The worst thing that we can do as women is not stand up for each other, and this is something we can practice every day, no matter where we are and what we may believe, it is both possible and, more importantly, it becomes powerful to come together in common purpose and common effort.” - Oprah Winfrey

Big Love, ZD

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We sort of became friends. A year later, around August-September, she changed to become somewhat more fun; she was there when I needed her. I never noticed that change after everything happened. Maybe I was blind, or I was too focused on something else. A few months later, in January, I noticed something different about her - she was not herself (that’s the first thing I noticed). I could see it from afar, she became someone she isn’t. For a few weeks, I kept this observantion to myself, not sharing it with anyone, including her.

Then I realized who she was trying to be - she was trying to be me. Not to be dramatic, but I saw the differences; they were always there right in front of my eyes. I thought I was being crazy - the style she chose, her choice of words. It started with something small and eventually became bigger than I thought. Maybe I was in denial about this until one day I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I talked to my friend who apparently had also noticed it and couldn’t agree more.

After that, I never talked to her anymore. About 2 months later, I had the idea that I wanted to talk to her privately, just the two of us. We had a great conversation about how I felt, and I could tell from those unspoken words that she wasn’t denying everything. She just said things like, “I thought we had the same taste (in style, etc.)…” and “I told my friend about you, and she said maybe I’ve gone too far.” But honestly, I felt great that we had that talk because everything could be clear now - about me and her, and especially about the idea of copying someone.

After that, I tried to be fine with everything that had happened. About 2 months later, nothing had changed. She was still trying to be me (Somehow I saw her observing me through the look she gave), and this time it was even harder to deal with. Those efforts she made were crazy; even my friends noticed. Every piece of clothing that I bought or wore, she would wear the next day - literally the exact same ones. Well, they weren’t “identical,” but just so “close.” The colors and the style were so “me,” and that’s crazy.

Even the accessories, the way she walked, her Instagram stories (the placements, the photos, etc.) - yeah, maybe I’m crazy, but all of that happened to me; I saw it with my own eyes. I understand that ideas can help people grow, and people can change or choose their own “style” to become their identity. I understand that completely. I’m also at a stage where I’m still finding my identity, but I also never liked the idea of stealing someone’s identity.

You can love someone’s ideas but not steal them. You can still make them your own; you can create another version that will suit you better. It was a very difficult time for me to think about or even understand. Days became weeks, and weeks became months; we never talked to each other. Those were pretty hard decision to make, but I guess they were the ones. What’s crazy to me is that she never changed anything, even after our conversations and after all the hints.

One day, one of my friends asked her about what happened between us, and she said, “She thinks I’m copying her work.” That was it - she denied everyting that had ever happened. Another time, my friend asked her, “Why don’t you go talk to her?” and she said, “She doesn’t want to talk to me.” God. It was just one time thing: she asked me a few months ago, “What’s your problem with me?” I shook my head, and ever since then, she’s felt like she’s right about everything, and I’m the one who made it all up.

Well, from the beginning, she always thought she was right about everything, and that’s crazy. I mean, how can people deny everything? Until today, I haven’t talked to her anymore. I guess I’m too tired to accept that she’s never going to admit it, and there isn’t any effort that she’s made. I dont’t want to be the first one to reach out again. TBH, I’m scared: what if she denies everything again? What if she never changes? What if she forgets everything I said? So it might be best for me to keep quiet.

It hurts to trust someone after they’ve lied to you, whether out of fear or shame about the truth. I never knew this could hurt me more than I thought it would. Maybe she wasn’t my friend after all. Maybe she’s still finding her identity, and I don’t want to disturb her anymore; I’ve had enough. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, so I don’t know how to react or how to deal with it. I still don’t know if this is the best approach or not, but I guess after everything, I couldn’t figure out how to get out of that “circle.”

These weren’t very comforting days, but at least I managed through them, and I care about my mental health enough not to have to think about someone who doesn’t care about others’ mental well-being… Last but not least, don’t seek something to make yourself happy at the expense of ripping away others’ happiness. Also, staying silent is a form of self-healing ;)

“I don't care that they stole my idea . . I care that they don't have any of their own” - Nikola Tesla

#SOTD :

Have a lovely day everyone!

Hugs & Love, ZD

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My love life is quite mysterious. I'm unsure whether I've never been in a relationship before or if I simply don't take relationships seriously. Everything feels blurry. It's interesting how easily and quickly some people find love.Throughout my 20 years, I've listened to friends talk about their partners, but I've never experienced that myself. Interestingly, this doesn't make me yearn for their relationships; instead, it makes me think twice about being in a relationship.

From what I've heard, my friends' relationships seem great, but there's always something imperfect (I know, not every relationship is flawless). Their strong commitment—constantly texting, calling, or sending pictures to each other mid-activity—feels somewhat disruptive. They often seem more focused on their phones, essentially ignoring their surroundings.

These types of commitments don't seem to work for me. I don't feel much joy in having to pause my activities to reply to messages, especially when I'm comfortable replying to friends' texts after hours or even days. Perhaps it's not my time yet to move my priorities towards a potential partner, to someone I might soon spend 24/7 with. While it could be enjoyable, the idea of having someone who loves and cares about you is intriguing.

Being single in my early 20s feels liberating. I love and prioritize myself, focusing on friends, family, work, personal growth, and etc. I don't want a partner to fulfill my desire or to prove that I'm lovable. Being alone doesn't equate to loneliness; it takes time to become secure—emotionally, physically, and etc. If I'm selfish, I want to be loved in the way I love, but I won't explicitly request it. Instead, I'll let someone come to me (one day) and fall deeply in love… <3

“Love has a way of finding us when we least expect it”

- Pamela Anderson

Love, ZD

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